The Royals of Malibu - 4. You're Kinda Sexy When You're Mad

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

Does it count as a Walk of Shame if nothing happened? Because Reed dropping Ella on the side of the road after the party was just that. Harsh. In better news: Ella and Easton are starting to bond. Should we wonder if maybe they’re getting a little too tight? Also, Savannah is now pointing her laser beams directly at Ella in an attempt to destroy the new girl. So Ella decides to focus on what she does best: working, by getting a job at the local coffee shop. Because there’s nothing a latte can’t fix, right? Well, we’ll see about that... Follow The Royals of Malibu on Instagram Follow The Royals of Malibu on TikTok Explore more: diversionaudio.com Tag us in your best lip syncs!  The Royals of Malibu Season 1 is based on the book Paper Princess by Erin Watt. Read the book: https://amzn.to/3kBUEhY Featuring the voices of: Alyssa McKay as ELLA SINCLAIR, Zaria as SAVANNAH GONZALEZ, Chris Cafero as REED ROYAL, Nick Cafero as EASTON ROYAL, Armen Taylor as CALLUM ROYAL, Franchesca Agramonte as VALERIE GONZALEZ, Anna Rubanova as BROOKE DAVIDSON, Maura Vincent as DINAH O'HALLORAN, Stephanie Sherry as LUCY and MARGARET SINCLAIR, and Kieran Regan as DAVID ALBRECHT The Royals of Malibu is a production of Diversion Audio. Directed by Matt Sav. Written by Keyanna Khatiblou. Produced by Aimee Machado, Emma DeMuth, and Jacob Bronstein. Production Management by Ashton Carter. Story Editing by Lindsey Ploussard. Story Development by Emma DeMuth and Jacob Bronstein. Editorial Direction by Scott Waxman. Casting by Lindsey Ploussard, Alex Vikmanis, and Mayank Bhatter. Editing, Sound Design, and Engineering by Morgane Fouse and Michael Aquino. Theme Music by Eric Zeiler. Executive Producers for Diversion Audio: Jacob Bronstein, Mark Francis and Scott Waxman. Executive Producers for Pod People: Rachael King and Matt Sav. Special thanks to Kimberly Brower, Jen Frederick, and Elle Kennedy.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Diversion Audio Previously on The Royals of Malibu. Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to go to a party at Savannah's house. Alright, sis, you're the rules for the night. Don't try to name job because everyone here already knows you're a charity case. Are you the new girl? I'm Valerie rules for the night. Don't try to name job because everyone here already knows you're a charity case. Are you the new girl? I'm Valerie, by the way.

I'm Savannah's cousin from the wrong side of the tracks, and she wants nothing to do with me. Look, Savannah, I get it. If I were you, I'd be insecure too. An absolute baddie like me, sleeping just a few doors down from your precious Easton. Fuck you, bitch. You're fucking trailer park trash.

Get those cheap ass boots out of my house! It doesn't look so good. Do you know what he's on? You got me. I do a lot of drugs. You're really gonna leave me here? One note we should mention. This episode contains adult language and subject matter that may not be appropriate for younger audiences. Please take care in listening. Look, I love a hot girl walk. I used to take them all the time back in Fresno. But walking two damn miles through Malibu at night, in heels, isn't exactly self-care.

The blisters on my feet have blisters. Plus, I slept in my makeup and I couldn't already feel the acne beginning to brew. I would kill for a giant iced coffee right now. Ooh, and a bagel. I'd give my kingdom for a bagel. Or, you know, the royals' kingdom. Morning. Who are those coffees for? Good morning, Easton.

You look amazing this morning, Eastern. One is for you, and I brought you your phone. Wow, this is incredible. It's pistachio milk. Adds a little something extra. Is there cinnamon in this? Yeah, treasure cafe, knows what they're doing. Consider it a caffeinated olive branch. I'm sure you're pissed, but clearly you made it back in one piece. Was that supposed to be an apology? Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

I was so faded. I didn't even notice you weren't in the car until we got home. Yeah, I'm not surprised. Look, it's obvious that you and Reed don't want me here. So let's just agree to stay out of each other's way, okay? I said I was sorry. God, you're like a feral cat. Who hurt you? Lots of people, actually.

Hey, your feet look rough. Hold on. When I fuck up my hands at the gym, this ointment is the only thing that works. It's from Mexico I pick it up whenever I'm in Tulum. I don't want your weird cream, Eastern. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that from a girl, I wouldn't need my trust fund. That's not what I heard. Sounds like you do just fine with the ladies of the cove. All ages.

Ooh. Maybe it's my mommy issues, but you're kind of sexy when you're mad. Whatever, just give me the ointment. Like when you yelled at Reid last night, I think I browned out halfway through it, but I remember it being truly, sincerely hot. You are truly, sincerely, disgusting. Yeah, and? I didn't realize you were so obsessed with me.

No, no, no, no. I don't do obsessed. I'm not read. I simply enjoy beautiful women. So read is obsessed with me. Whoops! Yeah, didn't hear that from me. Anyways, enjoy your coffee. I just wanted to make sure, okay,

I'm gonna go back to bed with this giant breakfast sandwich before my hangover kicks in. You're not hungover? Still a little drunk, I think. Nice, Eastern. I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby, but it kind of works for me, no? Uh, so what makes you think that reads obsessed with me? Is this like a creepy thing?

Do I need a lock on my door? Uh... Let me know how you like my cream. Later! Oh, Eastern! What's the name of that coffee shop with the pistachio milk? Treasure Cafe! Hmm. Thank you.

Alright, uh, order up for April. Cinementil J. Lotte with the whip. Hi, what can I get you? I was actually wondering if I could have a job application. Well, we are on hire right now, babe, but uh... It's the slow season. Check back in a couple months. Do you want a coffee? Yes, uh, in iced pistachio milk latte, please. Do you know that eastern kid?

Eastern Royal? Yeah. The one with the young Johnny Depp vibes and a plot and a Mammack. He's the only kid your age who orders pistachio milk. Yeah, I, um, go to school with him. You go to the code? What the hell do you need a job for? I'm pretty different for most of the kids there. Oh, you're on scholarship? Yeah, something like that.

So, what do you want to job? I've always worked. I started babysitting when I was like 10. I just moved to Malibu and so far I'm not very good at making friends. But I'm good at working. I don't even need the money. I could be like your apprentice. You could pay me in coffee? Not gonna pay you in coffee. What kind of job experience do you have? Um, online marketing. I can make videos, I can make drinks, work the register,

whatever you need. I can start today even, if you want. Uh. Okay. We can try for two weeks, alright? My name's Lucy. I'm the owner. I'll be honest, I could do some help during the morning rush,

and on the weekends, but you'd have to be here early Five or six a.m. Most days and I'm just gonna tell you right now. I like things done my way So pay attention and you know, don't do it wrong twice. Oh, Lucy. Thank you so much. I will not let you down Have you ever made a latte? Thank you Thank you Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So, alright, listen up.

The espresso is we always have in stock, the classic and the blonde. So we've pre-heated the machine and then we'll ground the beans, and you tamp the grounds and pull. Go ahead, try it. What made you wanna open a coffee shop? Oh, you know, my parents had a coffee shop back in San Francisco where the whole neighborhood would come together.

But when I moved to Malibu, folks down here just seemed so anti-social and lonely. I just couldn't find my people here. So I created a space where they can find me? Yeah, I had something like that back in Fresno. And now you have the treasure cafe. We're our own little community, but I feel you. Malibu is different, man.

What do you mean? Most of the kids, you know, go to the massive international chain coffee store that we do not name. And a lot of the customers that do come in here are rude as hell. I love this place and the friends I've made, but business is slow. Well, your coffee is way better than I mean the massive international chain coffee store that we do not name. You can catch on quick. I don't know, maybe you can help me get more people in here with your online marketing skills. Of course, I'd love to help.

Okay, all done. It has honey, brown sugar, and oat milk. Sounds hell sweet. Try it. Mm, that's fire. Good job, me. Good job, you. I think you fit right in here. All right, you can hang out for the day. I might hang out for a bit if that's okay. I have a ton of reading to do for school tomorrow. Sure, sit anywhere. Thanks, Lucy. You're gonna be okay Ella. I'm gonna go do your homework. Welcome Ella.

You're starting the semester a month late, but I trust you had time to catch up on the assigned reading. A room of one's own by Virginia Woolf, right? I finished it last night. Oh perfect. I'll pair you up with Eastern Royal for our group presentation. He had some creative differences with a few of the girls in his group and now he needs a partner. Of course. Crazy how we keep meaning like this. Am I the only girl you haven't tricked into sleeping with you? I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. licensed to deal with people like you. And more importantly, isn't me. Anyway, I assume you haven't done any of the reading, so I'll make an outline for a presentation and all you have to do is present it. You can read, right? Hmm, I've been meaning to learn, but being the resident school slut is really time consuming. Eww, what is that? I'm not fuck you idiot. Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, what are we gonna do with you? No one uses paper at the cove. You can use my iPad, just a,

use an incognito tab if you go online because my history is a bit, hmm, colorful. Noted, finding out what kind of porn you're into is truly my worst nightmare. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ The only person who pays any attention to me at the cove Finding out what kind of porn you're into is truly my worst nightmare. The only person who pays any attention to me at the cove is Easton. I can see him watching me and I try not to feel self-conscious, but... I highlighted the part you'll present tomorrow.

And what if I don't agree with your thesis? A room of one's own is about women having the financial security and privacy in order to be creative. What about that do you not agree with? Well, my mom had all of that and she still never wrote, never cooked, never did any of those things that she loved after I was about 10. I watched her waste away for years and she had all the stuff Virginia Woolf said she would need Plus if you consider Alice Walker's critique what about someone like Phyllis Wheatley? She was a slave she didn't even own herself and she was creative even downright prolific considering her circumstances What what do you look? I just don't think it's the feminist masterpiece people think it is You know what I'll do some work on the presentation, spruce it up a little.

You actually read the book. Surprise, surprise. I'm on track to be valedictorian, Ella. You just think I'm dumb because I'm so good looking. Ella, over here. Valerie! Hi. Here, come sit with me! I was trying to find you on Instagram last night and I couldn't.

That's because I'm on private, mama. Give me your phone. I'll add you. Is that you and Tam? Yes! Is it she literally perfect? You two are so cute. How often do you see her? Not enough. UC Berkeley isn't that far away, but either of us have cars?

When Callum gets me a car, we can drive up there. Really? Hell yeah! Whenever you want! I love a good road trip. Plus, I've always wanted to drive up the coast. I like you're seriously the best. I'm so glad you're here. For now, at least, before your cousin murders me. How have we not talked about that? You went off on Savannah.

I can't say, never seen before. You don't hate me for causing drama. Bestie? No, I wish you had yelled at her more. If I didn't have to live with her, I'd tear into her constantly. She is such a bitch. What's her deal? Because she is bored and miserable.

Her parents are totally MIA, but she's mostly adjusted to that, I think. Then she had a fling with Easton Royal over the summer and thought they were gonna be the coves new egg couple. Even though he'll bone anything up right with two nipples. When she finally realized that he's never gonna be her prince charming, she had a total mental breakdown. I can literally hear her scream crying in the greenhouse at night while she blasts. Sad girl T-Swift.

You have a greenhouse? Yeah. And it echoes. Anyway, I would recommend staying out of Savannah's way until they 50 won 50 her and send her on a grippy sock vacation. So far, I've managed to avoid her. I mean, maybe everything will just...low over? Hopefully. I genuinely think she needs an upgraded SSRI.

God, I still can't believe this is cafeteria food. Feels like this place should have a Michelin star or something. Hey, I need to go grab some things from my locker if you wanted to walk to class together? Nope, let's do it. I can be your bodyguard if we run into Savannah. Ha ha. Ha ha. if we run into Savannah. I know the Cove is wild, but do you think you'll stick around?

If I have an actual co-friend here, I might be able to make the graduation without murdering anyone. You know what? I think I might. What the fuck? This is fucking gross. Someone put garbage in my locker. I thought it's disgusting. Are those you still butts? What the fuck? This is fucking gross! Someone put garbage in my locker?

I thought it's disgusting! Are those used to robots? It's all over my box. We'll get you new books. Just keep it together. Don't let anyone see your upset. This bullshit is temporary, but the internet is forever, you know? Yeah, except people are recording me

unsticking sanitary pads for my re-box. I hate this generation! Did Savannah do this? Oh, I'm gonna kill her. Shh! Whatever you do, do not cry. Don't let them win. Licking! Good! Ella!

Does it remind you of home? I bet she praised her painting with Saint Regina George at night. Okay, we gotta get you out of here before B. Real goes off. We'll tag you on in stuff. Get you some new followers. Welcome to the CUR. Our first royal family dinner in ten years. Like an episode of This Is Us. Emotional manipulation and all.

And without any of the brotherly love. I agree, Easton. I think it's great. Calum has wanted to do this for months, haven't you, babe? You're so inspiring. Having L.A. here is a good excuse to bring a salt together. Like a normal family. What should we talk about, sex?

Politics, religion? Broke, what are your thoughts on student loan forgiveness? Eastern enough. Ella, tell us about your first official day of school. It was okay. Did you join any clubs, make any new friends? Yeah, I met this girl Valerie at the party last week. We're gonna hang out this weekend, I think. That's fantastic. See, aren't you boys glad you brought Ella with you?

I'm pretty sure you're her only friend. That suits me fine. Us outcasts have to stick together. Read and I both made varsity water polo. No surprise. Except Coach says Read needs some extra conditioning before the preseason if he wants to be captain Read I assume you're working on that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to the wait room tomorrow I'm going to hear it. You boys are so athletic just like your dad

Calum tell us about the time you won the push-up contest in the army the Navy contest in the army. The Navy. Ooh, sexy like Top Gun. Yes, I was the Maverick of System Command. And you are way hotter than Tom Cruise. And I would know we dated for a month. OK, fam, Jam, I gotta go do homework. Elegate me a bunch of action items in English today.

Aren't you gonna ask if you're excused? Oh, please, may I be excused most honored and feared father. All right, all right. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Shall we? Well, Ellen Reed aren't finished eating. Yeah, I don't have much of an appetite after that comment. I hope you enjoyed dinner. Let's go, baby. Did she really date Tom Cruise? Doubt it. I feel like she 100% would have been lost to Scientology.

Congrats on the water polo thing. Seems like that's a pretty big deal around here. You know what water polo is? Of course I do. There's water and polo and horses. Look, I'm just trying to make conversation. So I heard about your locker. But you thought that was hilarious, huh? No. No. Savannah could be a real TV-ish bitch sometimes. What are you doing? Clearing the table.

You don't have to do that. We have a housekeeper. Dude, I can load a dishwasher. Do you want me to teach you? I know how to load a dishwasher. I highly doubt that. Challenge accepted. You rents all load? Sounds good. I want to see you finally do some real work. I'm not going to accept it. You rents all alone? Sounds good.

I want to see you finally do some real work. My mommy used to make us do chores, and she was around. Gowem only hired a housekeeper after Brooke suggested it. Oh, your mom sounds like my kind of gal. my kind of gal. You know, Eastern at least tried to apologize for last night. You said you wanted to walk home. Look I'm trying. I know.

You're trying, Reed. This is probably you at your best, as ridiculous as that is. This family is so messed up. Believe me, I get it. If you get it, then why are you treating me like garbage? I can't believe you told Savannah that I used to be a cam girl. Hey, that was an accident. Eastern wasn't thinking and he blurted it out.

I've only been here two days and all of your rich, popular friends already hate me. At best, they ignore me. And then when someone does treat me horribly, who my face? You say nothing. What kind of person just watches that happen and does nothing? Honestly, I thought you were handling her pretty well by yourself. I'm sure you've dealt with plenty of assholes. Just because I can take care of myself, Reed, doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate a little

backup. And stop coming for my job. For the last time, I'm not some slutty con artist here to scam your dad. I don't even care about the money. Okay, the real reason I agreed to come with him was because I just wanted to feel like I had a family again. Never mind. Ella, look, he's nicer to you than he is to any of us. That's the only reason I thought maybe something was going on.

I don't care. Do you know how hard I worked to survive after my mom died? Of course not because you've never worked a day in your life. And, oh my god, what are you doing? You can't put Dawn's hope in the dishwasher. What? It's dish soap. Dish washer detergent is different from dish soap. Like tide pods? That's for laundry, oh my god.

There. See, you'd be lost without me. My hero, Alison Claire. What, uh, what are you doing? Your hands are wet. I'm drying them. I'm drunk. So, what are we like, friends now? You want to be my friend? I've been fighting my whole life, and I'm exhausted. I don't want to fight anymore, but if I'm going to let someone in,

I need them to be on my team, like for real. When people are making up lies and rumors about me, are you gonna say something to them? When you heard Savannah was putting garbage in my locker, did you tell her to stop? I didn't know about that until it was too late. But if you did know ahead of time, would you have actually done anything? A good guy would stand up for me even if you hated me because that would be the right thing to do when someone's being bullied.

Right. Well then I guess I'm not a good guy. Right. Well, action speak louder than words and it seems like you've got neither. Good night, Reed. Ella. Ella, I- This whole situation is ridiculous. One part of me is dying for Reed to accept me, and another part of me hates his fucking

guts. Sometimes I wish I'd never even come to Malibu. Then on my dresser, I see the photo of my mom. Someone has put it in a beautiful wooden frame protected. Someone in this house is rooting for me, I guess. Now, man, you heard what dad said since when do you listen to what Dad said? I don't want you getting in trouble. It's dangerous, Reed. Whatever.

When I look out my window, I see Reed getting his car. Sometimes I wonder if I manage to run away from my troubles or if I'm actually running towards them. Because as angry as I am with Reed, I desperately want to find out where he sneaks off to at night. On the next episode of The Royals of Malibu, look, we all know our girl Ella has been having some issues at school. Maybe she's starting to turn things around? I'm the girl's swim coach, the headmaster said you'll be trying out for the team. Hello?

What are you doing? Do you know who the swim captain is? Hey, Ella! The star is here, everyone! That doesn't sound promising. Is there a chance Savannah is finally backing off her mean girl crusade? I'm not gonna let you kill her! Let me kill her!

Uh, I'll take that as a no. Plus, Callum has some news for Ella that she's not gonna like. Your father's widow wants to meet you. Well, that sucks. There's only one guy who can cheer her up. Just kidding, there are two, and they live in the same house. Brought you white claws? Is that what all your little girlfriend's drink?

Underage drinking always leads to good decisions, right? So you think you could have me? I mean, couldn't I? There's only one way to find out. Make sure you strap in for the next episode of The Royals of Malibu. The Royals of Malibu is a production of diversion audio in association with pod people based on the book paper

princess by Aaron Wat, directed by Matt Sav, written by Kiana Cati Blue, produced by Amy Machado, Emma Demuth and Jacob Bronstane, production management by Aston Carter, story editing by Lindsay Plussard, story development by Emma Demuth and Jacob Bronstane, editorial direction by Scott Waxman,

casting by Lindsay Plussard, Alex Vickmanis, and Mai Young, Batter. Editing Sound Design and Engineering by Morgan Fouce and Michael Aquino. The music by Eric Zyler, featuring the voices of Alyssa McKay as Ella, Zaria as Savannah, Chris Caffero Asri Nick Caffero Asisten Armin Taylor Ascalum

Francesca Agramonte Asvallari Anna Rubinova Asbrook Mora Vincent Asdina Stephanie Sherry Asluci and Margaret Sinclair And Kieran Reagan as David. Executive producers for Diversion Audio, Jake Bronstein, Mark Francis and Scott Waxman. Executive producers for POT People,

Rachel King and Matt Zav, special thanks to Kimberly Brower, Jen Frederick and L Kennedy. Diversion Audio