The Royals of Malibu - LATTES WITH LUCY E12 - Leaving a Relationship with Alyssa Mckay (Ella) Pt 1 of 2

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Welcome to Lattes with Lucy, a special bonus series of The Royals of Malibu hosted by Stephanie Sherry (Lucy in The Royals of Malibu). Today, Alyssa McKay joins Emma, and Stephanie to talk TROM and when to leave a relationship. This show is different because we want to hear from you! Let us be the Lucy to your Ella Sinclair - and write to us your questions on life. Let us know what you’re going through, nothing is too big or too small, too scandalous or too cringe - whatever you may be going through, we want to hear it. You can write/upload your questions at https://www.emeraldaudio.co/latteswithlucy for a chance to be featured in the show. • Follow The Royals of Malibu on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/theroyalsofmalibu/) • Follow Stephanie Sherry on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/itsstephsherry/?hl=en) • Follow Emerald Audio on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/emeraldaudionetwork/?hl=en) • Follow The Royals of Malibu on TikTok (https://www.tiktok.com/@theroyalsofmalibu) • Explore more: https://www.emeraldaudio.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The content of this podcast is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. We are not licensed therapists, counselors, or mental health professionals. While we aim to provide insightful and helpful discussions, our views and advice are based on personal experiences and general knowledge, not professional expertise. If you are seeking professional mental health support, we encourage you to consult a qualified therapist or counselor, which we are not even after a season of doing this. We have a very special guest today. Before we bring her on, I just wanted to share an update with you guys. One of the juiciest questions we got, can you remember what episode it was from? I think it was with Chris.

I think it was with Chris. It was about the girl who she was set to be married, get married the next month. And she saw on her fiance's phone that a text saying that he didn't, wasn't sure he wanted to marry her to his own brother. So bad, so bad. Oh my God, we need to find out what happened. I know, so she wrote us back. Hi all, I previously wrote in

and y'all gave some rock solid advice regarding a message I saw on my fiance's phone. We did end up getting married. Some additional context, he had a pretty traumatic childhood, so he never really saw a successful marriage. I generally don't think he intended for me to see the messages.

He had sent it the evening before and his brother didn't respond until the next day when I had his phone and he was upset that I saw it. Low key, I don't think he's forward thinking enough to plan that. Unfortunately, the anxiety is still there for me. I think about the message a lot. But in the two years we've been together, I've never had a reason to doubt his feelings, so I'm trying to trust that it genuinely was a misguided comment. How do you spend years of your life with someone with no connection?

Thank you for the advice. The lingering anxiety part still applies, but it does seem like he's really trying. Despite offering to call off the wedding multiple times, he was adamant that he did want to proceed. So fingers crossed, I guess. I wish we knew a little more of like how he explained it or how he re-rationalized it. I so understand, by the way, like the trauma coming into place and the trauma coming into like rearing to a head

in the most stressful time which is right before. Like I do understand that. You know and I think we have to trust you and like if you made the choice to go through with it, it's because there was a small voice inside of you that really trusted him and like believes that it was a really unfortunate moment and we have to trust you on that. Yeah. I just want to give you a hug.

I'm so sorry that during what's supposed to be the best month of your life was tarnished by what happened. I still hope the wedding and the whole experience was a beautiful moment for you. And at the end of the day, I don't know if you're talking to your friends about it, but the only advice that matters is what you truly think. And I hope you're not facing any,

feel like you're facing any judgment from friends, even like from some of the things we said too. I think like stuff said, like it ultimately is your decision and you can own that. I just hope that you have a lot of support, friends, family that have been able to help you through this and I'm really sorry that this happened to you and I hope that it is a great future you guys have together and that he's honest with his apology.

Me too. Emma, Emma, I'm so sad that this is our finale but I'm actually so stoked that this is our finale because we have a pretty iconic guest today. To say the least, I think everyone's gonna be super excited once they read the title of this episode. We finally have Ella Sinclair herself, Alyssa McKay. Welcome to the pod! Yeah, I'm so excited. Thank you. We are delighted to have you, my fake daughter. How are how are you? Where are you? Are you're like on the East coast, aren't you? Yeah, I'm in Jersey.

Oh, Jersey. I'm from New York. It's so funny when you live in New York, you hate Jersey growing up. And then out here in LA, when I meet people from Jersey, I'm like, oh my God, I love you. How's it been? Um, I'm doing great. I just bought a house.

So I've been okay. Flex. Amazing. Yeah, it's doing great. I just bought a house, so I've been dealing. Okay, flex. Amazing. Yeah, it's been great. There's been a lot of renovations going on, so I've been driving back and forth and doing adult things, writing a lot of checks. It's been great. I mean, listen, there are a lot of people your age that don't know how to write a check, so you're already winning. I didn't. I used to have to look up like a check template and like how it's supposed to be written out and then I've done it so many times now which is like great but also kind of unfortunate for my bank account but it's good. It'll be okay.

I feel like what we usually start is with like a lot of like lore on like how did you get involved with Royals? I feel like everyone kind of knows that. What I really want to know, Alyssa, is who do you think killed Brooke? Okay, so I don't know if my theory is sound, but I feel like this would be a really cool storyline. So I feel like Callum did it. Whoa. Really? I know. And I don't know if anyone else has had that take yet, but I just feel like maybe like he killed her because he knew that that was the thing that was coming between him and his family. And this was like his way of like, I'm going to step up as a father finally and like get her out of the picture because she's like driving a wedge between me and my boys. Do you think he doesn't think the baby is his?

Yeah. Well, I actually, I don't know about the whole baby thing, but that was just my what's my theory. You know, I love all the theories. I feel like it's it's it's what makes it such an incredible plot point is that like no single member of this cast or crew has said the same person. And like, how iconic is that? Yeah. I honestly have no idea. I feel like the way that it happened, like it really could be

anybody and like even me personally, my Calum thing, I was just like, oh, that's a good idea. But like even then I like sat really hard and thought about it when I was like watching other people's interviews and I was like, fuck, I don't even know who could have done it. You know what I mean? Maybe it's a new person, who knows? I know. We'll just have to find out. Another question that I've been really loving is – because obviously the entire premise of this podcast is that Lucy and I are essentially the same person, which if you've met me is abundantly clear. I actually don't know your answer to this. Do you feel similar to Ella or different from Ella and in what way?

Me and Ella are pretty much the same person I would say. Like playing her has been so amazing because I feel like from the moment like I read the character description and read like the the pilot episode I was just like oh my god we're so similar and I actually feel like I actually talked about this in an interview recently that I in my real life like I pull from Ella when I feel like I need her because I think like the one thing that she has that I learned from her is like just being so confident and so daring and so outspoken and typically I'm outspoken in

my personal life but I feel like in business I never was and so whenever I feel like I'm like being a little mousy and I need to say what I really think and stand up for what I believe in, I channel my inner Ella and she's helped me grow in that way. Hell yeah. I love that. It's really, it can be so hard and so disorienting when you feel like in some situations

you can be a certain way and then in others that part of you like leaves the chat. Like I just think it's such an interesting part of like growing up and growing into yourself is like, how can I be the same person no matter who I'm with? Right. Yeah, especially I feel like as a woman, like you're always kind of taught, especially in the entertainment industry, like, you know, don't speak up. There's a million girls in line, like ready to replace you. But I think like standing up for yourself and what you're comfortable with, what you're okay with, like what you believe in. I think

it's so important and Ella has really inspired me to be more more outspoken and stand up for what I think is right, which is awesome. Speaking of telling people what's right, we're gonna share what we think is right in regards to these questions from our fans. Here we go, Alyssa, are you ready? I'm so ready. That was a great transition stuff. Thank you. I'm channeling Nick Cavero. I'm Erica, one third of the podcast Books and Betches, a comedy book podcast where we swear, spoil, and we talk about-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You cannot say that in this. What do you mean? That's like our slogan. It's our gimmick. It is, but just say we're a very funny adult book podcast. How about we just give some examples of things we talk about?

Well, there's a lot of chaos. Kristin, it with me I have. What the hell? We talk about books, but we're not your AP Lit class. I definitely hit on the major point. You absolutely did not. She did. You talked about-

Just not in the order you thought she was. You talk so slowly about one thing. A lot of sidebar conversations. I just, I am here. Are you denying the existence of Chewbacabras? You know, Erica, yes, I am. And we don't always get the facts right. Epilogues don't belong in books.

Call it chapter one. That's a prologue. The second I see it. That's a prologue. Oh, I'm talking about prologues. Yeah. You can listen to new episodes of the Books and Betches podcast every Tuesday morning,

anywhere you get your podcasts. Bye bye. Okay guys, we have our first question. Alyssa, you're from Portland, right? Yeah. Originally. No way. I didn't know that.

Miranda is from Portland. Which I thought was funny. A Portland girl. This one's a little bit long, so bear with me. Okay. She says, Hi, Stephanie, your podcast made me realize just how much I've been in need of somewhere to anonymously vent. So thank you.

Beginning of next year, I, 27 female, and my boyfriend, 27 male, will have been together for four years. We got together during the heat of COVID, so restaurant dates weren't something we could do. I was 24, he was 23, and he's grown into a wonderful, funny, and gentle guy. Granted, neither of us are perfect, and yeah, we've had some arguments

throughout the course of our time together. I've always known I love him, and I know he loves me at my most 100% authentic self, which is the one thing I have always wanted most in a partner. So, I'm struggling to understand why there are times, even now, after he's made me feel safe and protected for the last couple of years, that I have my doubts. It's not a matter of trust or anything. I trust him completely. But lately I'm worried I've been feeling this nudge

from the universe that I might be outgrowing him. He's drawn me a bubble bath when I've had a bad day at work, held me and called me when I've had panic attacks, and whenever he has had a day off when I have to work, he'll ask me if there's anything I'd like done around our apartment before I get home. I know I love him, and he really does make me happy. So why do I feel like this? I can't shake the feeling of being caged in my own relationship. He's become my best friend, but lately I struggle to shut out what feels like a desire to leave and be on my own. Please tell me this is just my brain self-sabotaging my happiness for the plot because I refuse to let myself hurt

him for nothing. I've been in a situation just like this and I had like the exact same thoughts and it's always so like, it's so, so, so hard. But I truly believe that like every person, not every person, but like you have multiple soulmates in this lifetime and there are some people that are meant to get you just from point A to point B and sometimes that can be till death do us part but sometimes like you meet someone that is there to help you progress into the human that you're going to evolve and become if that makes sense and I feel like if the universe is telling you that the relationship is no longer

serving you in this lifetime like. Like it happened for a reason and it taught you to be the person you are now and it puts you one step closer to your forever person. I feel like I'm wording this so terribly. I'm not saying break up with your boyfriend, but you know what I mean? Like I just, I don't know. I feel like if the universe is telling you something

and you feel it so strongly in your bones that sometimes making the hard decision is the right one. But I found really interesting in the wording of this is like, there were obviously points that she made about how safe she feels, all of that, but it was a lot of like, look at all these nice things he does for me, look at the way he treats me, but it wasn't a lot about the way he makes you feel. And I know I don't mean to completely get specific about the wording of a post, but the point is you're clinging to things he does

and ways he treats you, which are all so important, but the most important is just that deep knowing and that deep security of this is a full-body yes. And it's starting to be a like 90% body yes. And I feel like that 10%, I think, I don't know, who, someone said this on the pod, maybe it was Francesca. I think when it's right, there will be no questioning. And I think that's what I believe, but it's hard.

I really can like hear in my head, like friends of mine disagreeing with that and being like, no, that questioning is part of it. And like not knowing is part of it. And working through that not knowing is what gets you to the other side. I think what's hard though is like, well, if there's questioning

because they're not doing something and is like if there's questioning because they're not doing something and you feel like there's just like something left to work through, like yes, absolutely work through it. But if it's all working perfectly but there's a part of you that wants more, I don't know if that's going to go away. And that sucks. It's really hard. It's a hard one to answer. But it's really, really difficult to feel like you've outgrown someone. It's such an uncomfortable feeling because you're like, this is a person that I once felt so in sync with and is continuing to be the person that they've always been, which

is loving and caring and devoted and wonderful. But I now long for that plus more. And how do you communicate that without utterly destroying someone? And I think the answer is that you assure them that that's nothing they're doing wrong, that there is just a part of you that needs to be developed in a way that can't happen with this person. And while that's a really, really frustrating and hard thing to hear, it makes it so fucking cliche but it's like, it's not them, it's you.

And someone who deeply loves you will deeply understand your need to grow, even though they will be devastated that it's not with them. I think what you just said, it's not them, it's you, is something you should focus on. I think 27 is a really interesting age. I have a lot of friends in this age range and recently I've seen this happen several times. They've been dating the same person for three or four years. They're around 27, 28, they're late 20s. And that's a time when a lot of people have to decide, okay, are we committing together?

Like, are we gonna, this is a time if we want a family, we need to start thinking about that, or is it over? And I think a lot of people, a lot of women, it can be really stressful to reach your late 20s and have to commit. I think some people might just wanna enjoy that time can be really stressful to reach your late 20s and have to commit. I think some people might just wanna enjoy that time being single a little bit longer.

And it's okay if you wanna take a break, you know? Like maybe that is your person, but maybe you need just like another few months or another few years just to figure yourself out and what your goals are. And possibly you get back together with them. I have two friends that had a similar situation, and now they both recently got back together

with those guys. Like they just needed that year to just the final year of being single before they fully commit, and that really made their relationships. So maybe that is something that you're going through. Maybe you just need a little bit more independence before you fully decide to commit

There's also um, I I wish I could Google it quickly, but I don't want to waste our time There's um, like a it's like a time cost Fallacy in psychology where the example they always give is like if you're if you like are at a movie and you're hating the movie You like tell yourself you have to stick through the movie because you like already paid for it But like logically what all the sun sun cost. I'm gonna lose everything. But yeah, like that sun cost fallacy of like, I know what my not that she's saying this, but if it does perhaps feel like yeah, but I invested like my mid 20s into this person, like I can't start over now. Like it's so corny. I don't mean to like constantly talk about my

podcast, but on my pod never too late to the party, which actually is out on so many of these episodes of Lissa. I'm like my podcast was like may or may not ever happen. It's out now. It happened. It's like so much of for me being 33 and single and like still navigating all this shit is this belief that like, that like I can't waste any more time. and the reality is you just you just have so much more time than you think and I completely agree Emma with what you just said and that like there is no reason it's such a good point every time I think I've made a point Emma then goes after me and like gives like the better point which is like yes go on a break no no you literally always are amazing like go on a break Like that's a great option.

And if you like, then you can see like, oh wow, I am really growing separate from this person or actually no, like that was just nerves. That was just a me thing. And I wanna come back. I think it's a great, great piece of advice. I concur. Alyssa, Alyssa concurs.

Wait, I'm sorry to go back to Alyssa, what you were saying. So you said this happened to you. Like, so did you end up breaking up with that person when you had these kinds of questions? Yeah, I did. And my situation was a little bit different because I also wasn't being treated right towards the end of the relationship.

But I think that that was a part of outgrowing each other. And it was really tough because this person was a bit older than me. They were in their late 20s and I was 22. So by the end of the relationship, I started dating this person when I was 19. So obviously like 19 to 22 is so pivotal, just as 22 to 22 is pivotal.

And things change so much. But I also truly believe like the universe gives you signs for a reason. And at the end of the day, what Emma said, if you are meant to be with that person, they will come back into your life in some way and you just have to let yourself flow through life and also there is no timeline. Everyone's on different time structures and Golden Bachelor, they're like 70, 70, 80

years of loving love. Again, after loving other people for so long. Like you know, there is no cap on a human's capacity to love. Alyssa, that was cute and really true. I agree. That's so true. I think it's something Alyssa is saying too. I also believe you don't have one soulmate.

Like some people have several soulmates throughout their life. And going back to your point about the sun cost, just because you spent most of your 20s with someone and it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean it was all a waste. I think there's so much to gain from that. I think we're all kind of circling around like the same thing of just like, it's beautiful that it happened and it's also beautiful to move on.

It's your lucky day because we had literally so much to discuss with Alyssa that we had to break this episode up into two parts. So we're gonna end this first part here and join us next week for part.