The Ryan Hanley Show - Reclaiming Masculinity: A Journey of Self-Mastery | Nick Koumalatsos

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

Ryan Hanley and Nick Koumalatsos explore the challenges men face in modern society, particularly around identity, mental health, and the transition from military to civilian life. Join our community of fearless leaders in search of unreasonable outcomes... Want to become a FEARLESS entrepreneur and leader? Go here: https://www.findingpeak.com Watch on YouTube: https://link.ryanhanley.com/youtube Nick Koumalatsos Website: https://nickkoumalatsos.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nickkoumalatsos/ They discuss the importance of self-mastery, the impact of trauma, and the need for men to take ownership of their happiness and decisions. The dialogue emphasizes the significance of hard work, delayed gratification, and the necessity of confronting societal norms that undermine traditional masculinity. Ultimately, the conversation serves as a call to action for men to embrace their roles as leaders and protectors in their families and communities. Recommended Tools for Growth OpusClip: #1 AI video clipping and editing tool: https://link.ryanhanley.com/opus Riverside: HD Podcast & Video Software | Free Recording & Editing: https://link.ryanhanley.com/riverside Shortform - The World's Best Book Summaries: https://link.ryanhanley.com/shortform Taplio • Grow Your Personal Brand On LinkedIn: https://link.ryanhanley.com/taplio Kit: Email-First Operating System for Creators (formerly ConvertKit): https://link.ryanhanley.com/kit

Your wife, your family, your friends are not going to respect you until you can master yourself, until you've installed self-discipline. Self-mastery is number one. You can't lead your family until you can lead yourself. It's not going to take you seriously, but through example of yourself, then you can turn around and lead your family. So then phase two is leading your family, rebuilding the relationship with your wife, whether there's resentment, whatever it may be, and then kind of going from that to your finances. And like, well, Nick, I could work on my finances now. Well, no, because you don't have the discipline to put the cookie down, you're not going to be

able to have the discipline to save and invest and make smart choices with your money. Dude, incredibly excited to have you on the show. I think your story is incredible and really what you're doing to help people, especially I think men in particular, although I think your story resonates regardless. You know, I'd love for you to dig in. We don't have to do the full download because I really want to get into some kind of I want to talk about some topics that I think are really relevant. But just like the the backstory a little bit and kind of how you got to the book. That's because because the topics in your book are where

I want to spend time because I personally have and very selfishly have some questions for my own life as well as I know a lot of people who listen to show are dealing with some of the things that you address and and I want to give them some tactile takeaway so so give us that that a little bit of the tour on how you got to the topics that ultimately became your book yeah and before and before before that I want to kind of hit on what what you said before we started recording was Like these men are white knuckling through their life and man, that's what and it's funny

I've used that term myself on podcast and with talking to guys And it breaks my heart to watch guys and they are like good dudes are just Holding on for dear life trying to keep things together with their families, their life themselves, and they're just white-knuckling through life, and it doesn't have to be that way. But yeah, the book, obviously it originated through my own story of leaving Special Operations. I left Marine Special Operations Command in 2012,

after 12 years. And thought I had it all figured out, thought I had me figured out, and it was like, this was the culmination of like the next thing that was just gonna be freaking amazing, right? And it was anything, I mean, I guess it was to some extent, but it was really anything, it was a colossal, just really meltdown of life.

And it seemed like every time I turned around, it just got worse once I left. So that's where it started. It started at the story of me transitioning from the military. And then where it went was, I, a couple years later, I started working with a nonprofit called Gallant Few, helping, while I was helping veterans,

I was helping guys in my unit doing some networking, going on some trips, because they were transitioning out too. Because in 2012, things drastically shifted in the global war on terror. So a lot of guys that were really active in that fight started to kind of cycle out. Deployment started to slow down.

Politically things started to shift and change. And so guys kind of started cycling out of the military and especially special operations. And so they started to come to me and I was already contracting. I had done really well networking. So all the business Professional side appeared to look like it was going really well

Meanwhile, my life was falling apart on the inside uh But so I started working with these guys trying to to network them and get them jobs and this and that based off what i've done And I met a guy named carl monger who was the executive director of gallon few And he goes hey man, and I was doing this on my own dime, we were pulling money together, I was just figuring it out, and he goes, hey, what you're doing is non-profit work,

veteran service work, you need to get organized so that you can scale this and help more veterans. So that's what we did, we created a project called the Raider Project, and me and a teammate kinda worked with, helped guys transition. So, it turned into the X-Communicated Warriors, or actually the seven stages of transition portion of it,

really became a keynote, was actually a keynote that I was giving. And it was a thing that I had seen in guys, that it was this cycle of these stages that these guys go through and The ones that are successful make it all the way through the seventh stage, right? And then there's a lot of guys unfortunately that don't make it through they get kind of stuck in stage five That sink or swim area and they kind of sink Or they just build a house and as my good friend Kirk

Weiser says they just build a house in that misery and they just you know they pitch a tent there and they start reinforcing the walls and they just stay in that area and so it became a keynote but as I was giving or traveling around talking with veterans and giving these giving this story I started to realize that it wasn't a really a veteran issue. It was a human being issue. It was an issue of identity. It was an issue of being afraid to turn the page. And so guys would get you know, guys and women, you know, it's crazy. Sports athletes, and I wrote that in the book. You know, you take the kid who's played like little league football since he was four years old,

PB football, and he played middle school, you know, elementary, middle school, high school, college, gets drafted for the NFL or pros or semi-pros or whatever, and he's 23 years old and blows his knee out. This guy doesn't know anything other than being a footballer and now he can't do that thing at anymore. He can't be that he can't be that thing anymore at the ripe old age of 23. I mean how do you think that plays out? It plays out really negatively because that's all that that person knows. It's and then law enforcement, fire service, any first responders, medical community,

and you know what's even crazier? Stay at home moms, career stay at home moms. They dedicate 20 plus years to raising kids and then what do we do when we grow up and we turn 18, 20 years old? We bail with little to no thank you. You know what I mean? It's just like-

You get a hug at graduation and they're gone. Yeah. It's the most unfulfilling job ever, right? So this woman dedicates her life to raising her kids, honorably so, right? My hat's off to those women out there that do that. But then it's done and it becomes part of their identity as well. And then they have the whole empty, like what, like I've just dedicated two decades to this. And now they don't need me anymore, which they do in different capacities.

But nonetheless, that's part of their identity. And so women would read this story or hear the keynote and, and, and, and just resonate heavily with it. Everyone across the board, and that's when I started to realize, I mean, oh, this is not a veteran issue, this is just a human being life thing. This is just something that happens. We have different stages and chapters of our life,

and sometimes we get stuck in one thinking that that might be the best chapter of our life. So instead of turning the page and start writing the next chapter, we kind of just get stuck and we spin our wheels in this thing without actually having the courage to start writing the next one.

And what's sad is the next one might be the very best chapter of your life and you're waiting to start it. Yeah, you know, and I think it goes, you don't have to hit and as you described again with stay at home moms and you don't necessarily have to hit pros or be in the military, whatever. You know, I felt this even, you know,

I played college baseball, that, you know, baseball, football was most of my identity and then I got hurt playing football my senior year and I was lucky to transition to baseball and able to make a college team. But sports were always my thing, right? Like it was, I wasn't, unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough to make it anywhere sports wise or probably talented enough,

but good enough to get to college, right? But it was always my identity. It was always what I cared about. So you were my, I picked my major based on the, you know, my, you know, its ability to facilitate me, you know, practicing and all this different stuff. And then all of a sudden you graduate from college and it's over and you're just like, And then all of a sudden, you graduate from college and it's over. And you're just like, okay, who the hell am I now? And there's micro moments of this and then there's these big huge moments that happen. And the reason that I brought up before we went live that the idea of white knuckling is I think even in my own life the last few years, and I've shared a little bit on the show in the past,

I've had some events that have kind of shaken my, I thought, hey, I read, I'm a hard worker, keep myself fit, healthy, try to be a good person, believe in God, have a very strong relationship with creator God, I'm a Christian, raised Catholic. And I was like, man, for the most part, I'm a Christian, race Catholic, and I was like, man, I, for the most part, I'm doing good, you know what I mean?

Like, as I explained, I came from a town of 900 and kind of, I remember at 12, looking around that town going, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Like, every male role model is either an alcoholic or a drug addict or a criminal, and like, it just was going nowhere and I was like man I pulled myself out of that like look first first member of my entire family

to go to college all this stuff like oh I'm doing great and then you know here I am in my early 40s and I'm looking around and I'm like wow I've I'm kind of like fuck this up like I'm not I'm not like in a great spot here mentally and even though, and this is where I wanna, this is where this question is going. You said something that like, that really hit me. I was able to maintain the appearance that everything was great, that I was doing great,

that I was fine, that you know, I'm good, but behind the scenes, it literally felt like I was holding on for dear life. Like at any given moment I could take a step off the path and just fall into the abyss. And you know, a year out of that scenario I feel very good today. I feel like I'm working my way back, but I'm certainly not all the way back. But I know so many people, particularly men, but so many people, women too, that just this is what they're doing. They have this facade that they put out that like, hey, I'm good. You don't have to ask how I'm doing.

Like, I'm all right. I don't need your charity or whatever. But behind the scenes, they're masking it with drinking or they're cheating on their spouse or doing stuff that is really self-destructive. And, like, how do you work with that? Like, how do we start to break that down? Like, where do you go from there? Like, taking that situation of you have this appearance, but you're behind the scenes, you're holding on for dear life, or at least it feels that way. Like, when you're talking to a guy, whether it's a former team member or someone from the military, et cetera, how do you start to break that down

and help that person start to crack this problem open? It just feels like so many people today are struggling with this. First, it really comes down to do they want to fix it? Like, if at the end of the day, Ryan, if someone doesn't want change, there's nothing you can do about it. It breaks my heart, but like, and then I'll take it to the next level.

First they need to want the change. Two, they have to be willing to do the work to get the result. There's a lot of people, my wife and I talk to about this a lot of times, there's a lot of people out there that want the result, but don't want to commit to the work that has to get it done. So you have to have both, you have to have the courage to be able to want the change and you have to have the commitment to do the work

in order to change, right? For instance, you kind of brought some things up. Things like anxiety, depression, anything that you're feeling like that, those are subconscious cues that something in your life is amiss, that you're not living congruently with the things that matter most to you in your life. So if you are white-knuckling through life

and you feel like this way, then these are the things that are like, hey, knock knock, there's something wrong that you need to address. So instead of addressing it, what do we do? We turn to coping mechanisms and you already did it. Other women, drugs, alcohol, the nightly half bottle of wine or you know six pack of beer or pornography or whatever it is that's going to give you the dopamine hit that you need to make yourself feel good for a momentary time. Here's the problem with that. It is a black hole that you will never fill.

You can know no amount of pornography, no amount of chasing women, no amount of affairs, no amount of gambling, no amount of drugs, alcohol, it doesn't matter what it is, you will never satiate that portion of your appetite. Like that's never, oh, if I can, I just need this thing to take the edge off. And then tomorrow it's again, and then the next day,

and it's never gonna get better. You're never to fill that void. It's an abyss. Yeah, dude, not to interrupt you, but I'll tell you one of the things that caught me really off guard, right? When I was going through my kind of darkest moments a few years ago, was like, I think the first thing I started doing was, you know, I've always had a few drinks or whatever. Alcoholism runs in my family, so I've always had to be very careful with that. But seemingly, you know, been able to break that it's never caused a problem in my life. And I've always kind of been like few drinks on a weekend or you know, you go to a barbecue,

whatever all good. The first thing that happened was I started having a beer or two or a drink or two a day, right? To the first coven and then I then you know kind of kicked in. Hey, man, that's not good I know that's not good for me. You know, I've spent a lot of time in fitness. Just one though, Ryan Yeah, yeah. Hey, it's just one no big deal. Okay, so I cut that back, right? And then I was like well, you know Smoking pot's not as bad for you I'll just take a couple of rips off a joint or have it edible, right?

Right. And then, so I did that for a while, and I was like, well, I feel like shit every morning. My brain doesn't work as well when I wake up. So, not that I'm against it, you know, no prob, hey, teach their own, it's all good, but I found for me that, okay, so then I cut that out. And it was like, I literally, because I wasn't solving,

as you said, solving the actual problem, then all of a sudden, now I'm betting on football games. And I was like, no, that doesn't work. Then I'm buying random shit that I don't need. It's like, you just cycle through all these things. And I was shocked at how, I always found the next little,

like you said, dopamine hit and because I wasn't solving the problem, like okay, I'm not drinking every night anymore, but Instagram, you know, I'm buying- And you validate, your brain validates the excuse, right? Yeah, completely. I'm buying random t-shirts on fucking Instagram at 11.45 at night while I'm binging Netflix,

you know what I mean? Like what are you doing? And what that is is that's an amygdala hijack, right? Yeah. And I take that back over to the simplest thing, like think about it at school, you have a paper due on, you have a paper due on Friday,

when do you write the paper? You know, most people are like the last minute, Friday morning, Thursday night, you know what I mean? Yeah. The last minute. And what the reason for that is, is morning, Thursday night, you know what I mean? The last minute. And what the reason for that is, is your brain is like, that's hard. So when your brain's saying, hey, this is the actual, like you start identifying the issue or maybe subconsciously you don't even know.

But your brain's like, don't do that because that's going to cause pain and hurt. That's going to be hard. So instead, go watch Netflix, go vacuum, clean out your car, go vacuum and you can take this down to the most simplest task and it's every single time your brain you know just kicks in ADHD mode and it's like oh I got to go do this thing over here or I got to do this or why don't you just go do this and avoid that discomfort. But the problem is this this is what this is what the wrist is where the the trick fuck is If you're listening or you yourself if you think about the thing that you're most proud of in your life

the most the biggest Accomplishment you have in your life and it could be a lot it could be several it could be You know doing a fitness show running a marathon doing the Spartan race building a business, you know Making a success here raising your kids. I don't know whatever it is for you never Never is this something that was given to you or came easily So if the things in our life are the absolute came easily. So if the things in our life are the absolute, like the things that we're most proud of in our life are the were the absolute most difficult to achieve the required the most hard work, the most sacrifice. Why don't we choose that every day? Yeah, we choose the sacrifice. Why don't we choose hard? Why don't we choose the things that that that are difficult that we potentially could fail?

If those are the things that we're most proud of in our life Why are we choosing easy over hard if if the hard things is what gives us the most satisfaction in our life? You know, I had this moment. It was it was about you know, I've probably a little more than a year ago sitting there wallowing by myself. Feeling sorry for yourself. Yeah, just, you know, because we all do it. Right? Yeah. And you know, so like, and it's particularly what's interesting is that like, it was this

weird diet, you know, as I'm working through all this stuff and, you know, I didn't have my kids that night because I'm, like I said, I'm divorced and I'm sitting there and I was like, instead of optimizing for like, let me numb something right now. I know what makes me feel the best, which is working out, eating the right foods. I love being creative writing, etc. All these different things. I run a business like, why don't I just optimize for those fucking things? Like, does make me feel good too.

You know what I mean? Like big sale, you know, putting a new product out for the company, you know, whatever the thing is, like those make me hitting publish on a post that I'm very proud of. Like those things make me feel really, why don't I just optimize for those? And, you know, kind of started slowly working out, working myself out of it. and kind of started slowly working out, working myself out of it, but that is not, we don't, for whatever reason,

that is a tough thought for a lot of people, right? They're like, it feels, is it because it takes longer? Is that literally what it is? It's just the timeframe to feeling good? Delaying gratification. Delaying gratification. Delaying gratification. Every single thing, all of these things that you're proud of, all require delayed gratification. So like, then we can talk about like,

if you really want to get into it, it's like, okay, then what do I do? Yes. Like, this is where I'm sitting and white knuckling. You have to take ownership of where you're at, like extreme ownership. One, your happiness is yours. Your spouse doesn't make you happy,

your kids don't make you happy, your job doesn't make you happy. Happiness comes from internal, like that's your decision to be happy or not. What's around you and your circumstances, like you can disagree all you want, but the reality is like it's a choice. It's a choice to be grateful that you have.

There's a lot to be grateful for it. Even the somebody that has a really, really bad has a lot to be grateful for the fact that you were just one and one and what one trillion or whatever, five trillion to be on this planet to exist. Like that's that's a gift, right? The we live in a we live in an earth that has infinite possibilities and opportunities. If you so choose, if you believe that they're there, which they are there, but you have to believe that they're there. So one is like you have to take extreme ownership of your life and where you're at.

Like that's just it. And then this other thing that things are supposed to be a certain way. Like we have this society that almost dictates, like well things, you know, and we create these stories in our head that like, no, I'm supposed to be this way and my life's supposed to work out and we have this grand plan, which is all bullshit, you know?

And if you like go to school, go through grade one through 12, go to college, get a degree, get a job, and then get married, have 1.5 to 2.5 kids, a house in the white picket fence, pay the mortgage, the car, blah, blah, blah, and live happily ever after. That's somebody else's fabricated life.

It is, and we fall into this trap thinking that I have to do it. And then when somebody wants to change, they're like, well, I can't, because I have this mortgage and I have these cars and I have these bills. I'm like, who says you have to have all of that? It's a facade.

You're making a choice to live the way that you want to do. And if you're not happy, well, you have the power to make that change in your life. Like I can't, I can't change my job. I've dedicated 15 years to this profession. So, you're miserable. Change it. Who cares?

Well then the money. Downgrade your life. I'm all for making money. Like I make a lot of money and I think people should make a lot of money. I come from nothing. But I've also done it in a very hard way a lot of the times where I didn't need to. I was my own worst enemy. Yeah, could you break that down a little bit? I'm interested in what you mean by that. So like basically I came from the world that, and this is one of my limiting beliefs that I had,

that I could achieve success. I come from nothing. Grew up in trailers and section eight housing and just poor men, we were poor. No dad in the house, abusive stepfather for six years until that blew up, you know, one night. So like literally come from nothing, you know, and then I built everything myself. I mean, I can't say I built myself.

I've had amazing teammates like nothing. No one's ever self-made. I've had amazing mentors. Because I have plowed forward and I've done the work both externally and internally the path has been laid with amazing people in my life that will Accelerate what i'm doing right and that continues to happen But I believed That I had it in me to be successful But here's here's the toxic trait or the or the limiting belief

I believe that I had to work 10 times harder than you, Ryan, to get the same success as you. I know I could be successful, but the universe dealt me a different hand and I had to work, for me to achieve the same level of success, I had to work 10 times harder than you. Success comes easy to you,

but for me, the universe was gonna make me work for it. So what happened? I manifested my own reality. I manifested my hardship. It was 10 times harder. Everything was. Cause I was thinking that way. Can you give me an example of that?

I think that's a wonderful, wonderful from an insightful purpose. Not so much from that you had to deal with that. But like, just can you break that down a little bit? Because I- It's the concept of like, basically like, if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

No one can do it better than I can. So if like, I've gotta be the one at five eight, five, you know, four 30 in the morning to 12 p.m. Like I, no one, I gotta outwork everyone. It's just, I gotta outwork you. So everything has to be done by me. And then because you're thinking this way, you fall into this weird vein of just,

and it reminds me of, what's the author of I Have It On My Shelf? Great, great guy. 10X is better than 2X? Yeah, Dr. Benjamin Hardee. Yes, but Dan Sullivan. Dan Sullivan, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan Sullivan's concept.

That's really, that's what, you know, so what changed was this, and starting in 2018, I started to get my own coaching. And then really went in was this, and starting in 2018, I started to get my own coaching. And then really went in 2020 when everything happened. I really started to kinda, 2018, that's when things really changed. And then I just went all in on it.

I just started to double down on that. And that's really where I started to kinda level up. And it wasn't through necessarily hard work. It was hard work on myself, but it wasn't like, I wasn't trying, I was trying to figure out what is the easiest road? Like what is- What's your zone of genius kind of?

What flows, yeah, what is flowing in the business? What's working? And at one time, Ryan, I had seven different businesses because I was like, more is more. More businesses, more money, right? Work harder. I have the infrastructure, I got the team, let's fucking go. But I was exhausted, out of shape, like not living good.

Everything was work, I wasn't prioritizing my own health. I wasn't taking a moment to check out and refill my cup. And I know that sounds counterproductive, but then you start realizing that you can create systems that literally make money for you. And I'm not talking about internet schemes and things like that, I'm talking about your business. You know what I mean?

You have to scale your business, and you have to put the right people in the right seats. And when you do that and you let go of the vine, that's when you have the clarity to really, you focus, like you said, you focus on your unique ability, you focus on your zone of genius and the rest you let go. And it's amazing what happens when you can do that. But this is why it's so hard is because

it challenges people's ego. It challenges people's pride. And then their self-worth. Cause they're like, well wait a minute, if I'm not doing it, if I'm not grinding hard, you know, hustle, hustle, hustle, grinding, whatever that means, right?

And I did all that, I said all that. But it got me nowhere, it got me a two X. But I want a 10 X, who doesn't want a 10x What it for a 10x you've got a you've got a self-analyze you got to see where you're holding Where you're the bottleneck where you're holding people back you said something earlier around identity, right? And I think that this is one of the core pieces you said, you know misery becomes someone's identity and I think a lot of people like I got a good buddy you know, misery becomes someone's identity.

And I think a lot of people, like, I got a good buddy, credible athlete when he was younger, smart guy, he's a good dad, but he's, he's fat as fuck. And I just feel so bad because I'm like, dude, you don't see fat 80 year olds. Like you have this amazing family and you're such a, he's a great dad He's a good husband. You know, I mean like good great husband You know, I mean like just solid human being but he is was not great

Yeah, yeah, he's good identified as like dad bod. He's like, oh, I got my dad by you know, whatever and I'm like Dude, I just you know And he that has become now his identity. And like, he sees, you know, some of the stuff that I do and, you know, the different and he's just like, ah, that's, you know, that's not me or I don't have time or blah, blah, blah, blah, all this different. He makes all the excuses. And I'm like, bro, you think I have time? Like, I don't have time to do this stuff. I make the time, right? I make the time. So if you find yourself, if someone's listening to this and they're, you know, they've put some sort of negative trait or negative emotion feeling, etc. and they've applied that to their identity and they're kind of living with that, how do we start to break that identity down? Like, how do we start to get past that?

So I've learned that whoever that guy is, I guarantee that you scratched the crust off of that surface and there's something pretty deep going on there. Nobody looks in the mirror and sees a dad bod and goes, fuck yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's just not the reality. When they're alone, like you can lie to other people, but when you're alone and you're honest with yourself, you don't want that. You know, you're accepting that because you think that's

the hand that you've been dealt but it really is misery and I've worked with enough men over the years that when you scratch the surface of this thing people are in a lot of pain and and for instance and a lot of this where this comes from I just talked about this at one of the retreats and we lot of this where this comes from I just talked about this at one of the retreats and we kind of break this is what I in the men's retreats that I do this is where I break this stuff down is one in three men are are physically abused in their life one in four men and this in this statistic range true every single time if I get a. If I get enough men in a room and get them to break,

drop their guard, and to be honest, this stays true. One in four men are sexually abused. Blew my mind. Blew my mind. I was like, there's no freaking way that can be true. And over the years, it maintains truthfulness. One in three men physically abused, one in four men sexually abused,

and that's not something that is macho, it's not something that people want to talk about, men don't want to admit that because it makes them look weak, it makes them feel a certain way, right? Out of control, they weren't able to protect themselves, and in reality a lot of it was when they were kids, right? It's like that's certain way, right? Out of control, they weren't able to protect themselves. In reality, a lot of it was when they were kids, right? And it's like, that's a tragedy, right?

You're a kid, you're supposed to be protected by other men and instead you're being traumatized and taken advantage of and that's pretty sick. But the problem is, men carry this weight, this trauma around with them that they don't deal with for a very, very long period of time, and this is how it shows up. It shows up in the self-sabotage,

it shows up in the coping mechanisms. It's the reason why guys will start a diet and then fall off the diet. It's the reason why they'll start saving something or have this new idea and then don't follow through. It is the number one reason that men can't follow through on what they say is because they get to a certain level and then they have this I this subconscious idea of themselves and then they falter and until we deal with that thing the

root cause then we're always going to be treating symptoms. And how do we treat symptoms? Kind of going back to what we were talking about, right? And until you get down there and you carve that cancer out of your life, you're always going to have this up and down thing that you're never going to be able to fix. Do you think some of this has to do as well with like the feminist movement around toxic masculinity and that this idea of men spending time together of being strong of being a protector like these ideas are frowned upon. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, I take do I don't fight, but I go to boxing and learning how to... Right, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, good. You know, and people bust my chops and stuff and be like, oh, you know, what are you going to do? You're 44, you're going to fight? I'm like, no, I don't want to get hit in the head. You know what I mean? Like, the reason I'm not a football player is because I got three concussions in high school. However, if someone's fucking around and I can throw a decent right hook,

I got a chance of getting out of that situation without the people I care about, you know what I mean? Or at least presenting myself in a way that that aggressor chooses somebody else, you know what I mean? But people will literally give me shit about it. And I've been trying to like- That's just their own insecurity showing.

Yeah, you know? and so how do you- I guess I have a lot of guys who, you know, and I talked to a lot of men about this, especially in the last few years with the podcast, you know, trying to bring these topics up. And as I was dealing with my own stuff, you know, I mean, this is quasi therapy for me as well. So, so you know just in a very selfish way, but guys that are, you know, a lot of guys are hesitant to be that like kind of more classic male role of the protector, the builder, the kind of rock of a household. How do we start to break through this mindset? I feel like it's being torn down a little bit now. I feel like the world is corrected

and the timeline we're on where the bullet missed Trump's face and hit his ear seemingly has put us on a timeline where- I think that to kind of go back on what started this journey for me five years ago, I've been in this for, since, I got out in 2012, stopped contracting in 2014. So I've been on this path since 2014.

And what really lit my tires was COVID. Because I felt like John Rambo, like I got out of special operations, I had my businesses, I grew my hair out, I'm surfing, I'm skateboarding, I'm spending time with my family, running my businesses. No one, I did media and I did stuff online, but no one knew my political affiliation, my religious, I didn't talk about that stuff.

I was just like, dude, listen, I dedicated 12 years of my life to this, my youth to this thing. Good, bad, or indifferent, doesn't matter, that's what to this, my youth, to this thing. Good, bad, or indifferent, doesn't matter. That's what I did. And now it's my time. Now I'm going to live for me. And then I had a gym during COVID that got raided by the cops. And yeah, so here I am going, how on earth did my gym get raided without a warrant? Like straight up cops entering the gym, cars, boom, boom, put the dumbbells down.

That was really a line from a cop. I swear to God. One of our members is a chef in the area was doing curls and the cop came in there and was like, put the gun, put the dumbbells down. And he was like, are you kidding me right now? And we're in a town of like 2,500 people. This is before mask.

There wasn't one COVID outbreak. It was just nothing. We shut down for a couple of weeks and then nobody said anything. Like there was just no guidance whatsoever. So I'm like, all right, what is the CDC saying? All right, open doors, check temperatures, limit certain people per square footage.

All right, we'll do all that, cool. And people were like, dude, Nick, I'm losing my mind. I gotta get back in the gym. It's a mental, therapeutic thing, training for sure. I gotta get out of my house. And so we did, and then a couple weeks later, we got raided, ended up all of, went viral, all over Fox News, et cetera. I was one of the gyms.

And I really, I just like, how did we get here? How did this happen? And I started to look at it from, I kind of put my special operations hat back on. I started looking at it from like an asymmetrical environment. And I was like, oh, this goes back even longer like, you know and if I want to take over I can say you say you know a

Group of us Ryan we're gonna, you know invade Canada and take over which probably wouldn't be hard. But Where would be you know, I say this all the time will we be worried about the The children if we had to invade the country and take over? No, we would will we worry about the women? No, will we worry about the elderly? No, who's our threat if we're gonna invade a country? military-aged males That's that's the threat. So so if I look at a long-term campaign How do I how do I remove the threat to taking over a country without firing a shot? We'll take military-age males, make them distracted, make them decentralized, get them addicted

to various things, and just completely remove them from the equation. Well, that's what's over decades. That's what's happened. You can look at, you know, look at the look at the shows in the 80s, you know, Al Bundy, The Simpsons, the doof, the doofus dad, what is, you know, the silly man, the silly dad. And then we just slowly, very slowly eradicated manhood. But you look at men, and I'm not saying they were perfect. They were not emotionally intelligent. They had a lot of trauma, they had a lot to deal with, but you look at men prior, you know, 60s and prior, they had a set of morals and guidelines that

they followed. The family unit was stronger then than ever, and at that time is when they started to erode the family unit, and that's when the country started to become weak, and that's the rise of the federal government. So you started seeing more federal government power and the reduction of strength in the family unit. And why is that? Men, men. That's what got here.

We allowed, we allowed somebody else to take control of our family, our community, our schools, our kids, everything. And we just sat by and watched it happen. But since then I think they showed their hand to it because of what I do in our coaching community and the guys that I work with. I've definitely seen it. It was about a year after, obviously there were certain people that were already on board in 2020, but about a year after even people that really believed it, the guys that had gotten, you know, had gained 40, 50 pounds, you know, and then stuff started to come out and things started to start looking a little hokey.

And they were like, I think I got duped. I think I got duped. And it's time for me to kind of, you know, step back into the role that I was meant to be. And I think there's been a big course correction. Yeah, it was funny. I was talking to my kids about this because I tried to take, for all the reasons that you just described, I'm a firm believer that parents have abdicated or abdicated so much of their responsibility

to educating their children, right? I mean, obviously you go to school, my kids go to Catholic school because I don't trust the public schools in New York State, but outside of that, right? That's math and letters and that kind of stuff, but none of the lessons of life that are important that are actually gonna materialize in any way that are gonna help them be successful are taught in schools, it's just not. You learn those things through community, either whether it's sports, I'm obviously a huge believer in sports,

or community groups, or just being around other kids. And it was funny, we were, I was talking to my kids about something, my older son's 11, and he was explaining a situation at school, you know, some kid was talking shit and different stuff. And you know, he was asking me kind of, not to him personally, but to one of his friends and he was asking me about the situation and you know, obviously you don't want to, I'm

not advocating for violence in a lot of these situations, but I explained to him, I said, dude, you know, when I was growing up and, you know, this is 80s, 90s, if you said some stupid shit, there was a chance you were gonna get hit. Yeah. You know? And like, you know- There's a consequence to your actions. Yes. Yeah.

And when that consequence got removed and we started seeing stories about people who were defending themselves and they were being classified as the criminal or the wrongful actor versus the instigator. That to me was a very clear sign that something was off because I don't understand a world where you can say something or do something to me. But then if I react to that, I'm the one who's, you know, respond in a fairly reasonable way.

You know, I'm the one that's actually wrong. And that was a huge wake up call for me, you know, watching them kind of grow up and in that in that question and seeing the way the youth interacts where people essentially feel like they can say and or do whatever they want. And there's zero consequence on the back end, unless somehow that misaligns with the values that that have been pushed upon us in this kind of postmodern liberal belief system, right. And, you know, you look at what's happening now where we're starting to actually police our streets again. You can act you know, we're starting to actually police our streets again. You can act, you know, we're starting to be able to re-express ourselves

through our First Amendment and these different battles that we see being fought. It does feel like things are correcting, but you know... I still, Ryan, I still do think that there's a cost. I think that it's not immediate. It's not like you say you run off of the mouth and you get punched in the mouth. But you got to look at the, you got to look at the type of individual. I think it's delayed I don't think that you can you can you don't get you have the freedom of choice, but you don't have the freedom of consequence so you can make a choice and there might mean they're not there might not be a

direct consequence right now but over your lifetime, if you look at the individuals that do these sort of things and act out, then just run their mouth. And if I really analyze their life, they're not successful. They're not making money. They're not taking care, they're not a stand-up person. They're not taking care of really anyone.

They're really selfish. It's all about how things make them feel personally. And I think that they they, they do have I think it's a negative snowball effect of what happens to them. I think that's the reason why that they act out and they say the things they do. Because life is not happening for them. So they're angry. But they become the victim in their story. for them so they're angry but they become the victim in their story. Yeah that victim mentality is so incredibly toxic to our success and to our you know I

don't love talking about the word happiness. To me I've always seen happiness as a as a derivative of yeah it's a byproduct yeah it's a byproduct. Yeah, it's a byproduct. Yeah, you can't seek happiness. I immediately become skeptical. If you can seek it, you're just not gonna find it. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. Anyone who's selling happiness, I immediately become skeptical of, because I'm like, you know, that's not how you get there.

You know what I mean? It's purpose, meaning, sense of connection. You know, it's never. I sell the opposite. I sell the difficulty, sense of connection, you know, it's never. I sell the opposite. I sell the difficulty, and through difficulty, and through challenge, you will find happiness. But that's a byproduct of doing it. And that goes back to what I was saying, man.

You wanna be fulfilled, you gotta do hard things. Yeah. I wanna hit you with a concept, and you know, it might be face value, but let me know. I've been working through this construct lately or filter. I like to think about my decision-making structure or how I think about things through different filters. And I think one of the keys,

one of the major filters that we've missed here, especially through COVID, I think COVID lit this up like a Christmas tree, was this idea that our society had stopped living in reality, right? When you see, you know, men can be women, women can be men, that, you know, all these different constructs, you know, that somehow we should trust, you know, trust the science, even though none of it makes sense or, you know, we're not living in reality. And I've've really started I've taken this step back and said

What are what are the actual receipts from these actions? If you can show me a receipt that produces positive long-term results from this action. I'm open to anything, right? It's why though technically I'm probably considered a conservative based on where my views are. And that's not the way I've been my whole life. And it's certainly I have no problem going anywhere on a political or spectrum if there's a receipt behind it that shows me long term success. Right. One, does that play for you? Do you think that's a filter that works? And how do we start to manifest this more in our lives?

Like so many people just take shit at face value and I'm like, why, like why do you do that? Well you know this is what I've always done and I'm like are you getting anything from that? I like the idea of you talk about the whole society thing and like we don't know what reality is Remove yourself from from society and reality for a moment Go out in the middle of the woods disconnect from your phone. How do you feel? You know if I take some if I take you right and we go somewhere out in the mountains and there's no phone There's no society. There's nothing we We're just living doing things on an adventure How do you feel then? I feel fucking amazing

So then is it all this others is it you or is it this other stuff? Are we allowing what what a what input are we allowing to to? effect our Perception or our mood so I think the biggest thing and that's kind, and that's kind of going back to the beginning of this thing is like we are no longer, majority of people are not the captain of their own ship or the CEO of their own life. And I think that's the biggest thing it comes down to

is like you need to, you are in charge of your life. All of it. You're not a victim, no one hands you a raw deal and even if they did, so what? So what? Bad shit happens to a lot of people. Bad shit happens to me.

It's okay, it's all right. How do you combat this when you're constantly being bludgeoned with let us take care of you? Essentially the message for, I'd say, up until maybe a year or two post-COVID when people really started to wake up to some of the shit that's been shoved down their throat for so long it was you know we'll take care of you, we'll make sure. Why would you want somebody else to? Yeah I don't but it's seemingly a lot of people maybe it's not even what they actually want, but they're willing to accept that narrative

versus standing out or being different or putting their phone down. There is a great book by, and unfortunately, I hate to believe these statistics, but I hate that it's just true for, you know, century after century, it's true. Napoleon Hill's book, Outwitting the Devil. You ever read that or listened to it? I have, yeah. Highly recommend the audio book. It will blow your brain up.

It was written well over 100 years ago and it was finally released once he died. His wife died and then they released it. And she wouldn't let him release it because she said that basically the government would kill him, that the church would kill him that the the church would kill him You know billionaires would kill him So he wouldn't they wouldn't release it until he died and then she never released it

So is the foundation that released it afterwards It highly highly suggest reading the audiobook, but it talks about control and talks about how basically 98% are going to think like this, like what you're saying. And there's 2% of the people that are going to think for themselves. And that's unfortunately that's a reality and you have to choose, the individual has to make has to make the decision. Are they going to think for themselves and be that, be the CEO of their own life or are they gonna fall into the herd of everybody else and just consume and be that be the CEO of their own life or are they going to fall into the

herd of everybody else and just consume and be told exactly how to think what to believe. You know, it's wild. I have a one of my audience members made this show it on the show every once in a while. GNF the letters, maybe in video it looks better that way. Stands for give no fucks. And it came out of a couple years ago, I was kind of diagnosing my own life, right? Like when were the moments when I was the most successful,

when things were really driving forward, and when were the moments where I felt stalled? And there was one core thing that I kept coming back to was the idea that you just shared. When I was operating based on my own belief structure, regardless of how it impacted status, how it impacted relationships, and I don't mean that like in a, you know, obviously there's certain relationships you want to nurture, et cetera, but when I was operating as my own individual making my own decisions as the way I saw the world

was when I saw the most progress in myself. And in the moments where I advocated that responsibility to what I was being told on social media or by the news or what I felt was expected of a person in the position that I was currently in in that moment, that is when I saw the most stagnation, the most unhappiness, and my mind's willingness to drop back into these negative toxic traits. And I've kind of dedicated this show since that moment to talking to people like yourselves and trying to draw out ideas on

thinking for yourself. Like that one concept, if you can just kind of nail yourself to this idea where you're making the decision based on what you need in your life and not what your neighbor's gonna think or your mom's gonna think or your friend. Shit, what happens is insane and you can't guess it. It tends to be very serendipitous, but it is hard But it comes with purpose and meaning and fulfillment that you just literally you can't

It's it's you know, I've explained the sensation and it kind of it's like sex, right? Like you can hear about it, but until you experience it you have no fucking clue. That's right And then that's right, you know and you wake up one day and you're like, oh my God, I'm like my own person. Right. This is pretty incredible. Like I have my own views and I have reasons for those views and they guide the decisions I make. And you don't have to like them. But if you do, come on along. And that to me is just one of these ideas that it seems like is being purposefully,

now thank God for people like Jordan Peterson and others who really come out and try to make some of these things mainstream. I love his concept and try to live by this idea of be a monster but know how to control it. You're not a good person if you're weak and good because you have to be good or kind. But if you are a-

It's the old warrior thing. You know, it's better to be a warrior in the garden than a gardener at war, you know? Yeah. It's the balance. Men need to have the capability of violence, really. And it's like you go into boxing. Like you people can make, like why?

Like you default in a dangerous situation, you default to the lowest level of your training and if you have zero training, you default to zero. Yeah. And now you are a victim. Yeah, it was funny, man. I had a buddy that, you know, I was coaching and a bunch of my coaching buddies and friends

with the, you know, around the teams are, you know, I had posted like a story on Instagram or something just to me hitting the bags with like a quote behind it or whatever. It's more like keeping myself motivated than it, I'm not like trying to become a boxing influencer or anything like that. Trust me, all the boxing guys on Instagram

love to tell me how they would knock me out based on the way I throw punches. So I'm not, you know, I get that I'm not good. However, I was sitting there and my buddy, you know They're kind of busting my chops. We're having a good time and and one of my guys and one of the guys goes, you know Honestly, like why do you do that? I go bro. I have two kids if someone comes knocking at my door at 2 p.m At 2 a.m. I'm gonna grab my shotgun I'm gonna grab my hunting knife and I'm gonna, my job is to make sure those two little humans

make it out of that situation. That's my fucking job. Like, you know, like, how am I gonna do that if I have no way of protecting myself and no even basic martial skills, basic? I mean, in mine are very basic. And literally they looked at each other and they all went silent.

And I was like, that's why I do it, man. Like I hope that day never happens. But if it does, I want that to be just as bad a day for the guy knocking on my door as it is for me that he knocked. And I just hope more men embrace that idea. And I think they can do that by getting involved with individuals like yourself and falling into their world. So, you know, as a way to kind of wrap up our conversation,

and I appreciate the hell out of you, man, like, how do people get deeper into, besides the book, you know, and guys, we'll have, you know, wherever Nick points us, I'm gonna have it linked up in the show notes, whether you're watching on YouTube or listening to the podcast, just scroll down. Where can they go to get deeper into your world and start following along with what you teach

and how you talk about these topics? So that, you know, it's funny you say that about the book because that's really where it came from. Like the book started and the agoghi happened. And that's really our community. And we have kind of these four phases is master yourself. And that's like in all areas, mentality, dealing with your shit, physically, your nutrition.

Because the reality, your wife, your nutrition, because the reality, your wife, your family, your friends are not going to respect you until you can master yourself, until you can still self-discipline, right? Self-mastery is number one. You can't lead your family until you can lead yourself. It's not going to take you seriously, but through example of yourself, then you can turn around and lead your family. So then phase two is leading your family, rebuilding the relationship with your wife,

whether there's resentment, whatever it may be, and then kind of going from that to your finances. And like, well, Nick, I could work on my finances now. Well, no, because you don't have the discipline to put the cookie down. You're not going to be able to have the discipline to put the cookie down. You're not gonna be able to have the discipline to save and invest and et cetera, and make smart choices with your money, right? Like this is all faceted.

And then also, if your family's not on board, if your wife's not on board with investing and saving and the way you spend money as a family, then that's just gonna create more strife in your family. So there's a reason why it's phase three. And then phase four is like is like really like leadership. Like what does that dynasty look like? What is the legacy?

What kind of leader are you gonna be? And at once you've mastered yourself, you've got your family rock solid, you've locked down your finances and building generational wealth. What is the fourth phase? What does that look like? What comes next?

And that's kind of what we do. And then we coast through people through that. I mean, we've made, we've changed so many people's lives. Guys, I just got a text the other day from one of our guys who's down in Disney World and with his mom and his kid. And he's like, dude, before you guys, I literally could not fit in a roller coaster.

Now I'm running around like crazy playing with my kids. And he's like, thank you for this opportunity. You know he's like thank you for this opportunity you know he would have been dead the reality is he would have been dead he was well over 300 pounds his dad died at like 47 of a coronary basically coronary disease and he's thriving man he's gonna live you know several several more decades because of this and because of that he has you know and this is not just him, this is so many different people. We have guys that he's he's got a promotion, he's making like three times what he was when he was 300 pounds,

because it changes everything. And so that's what we do in the agogis is that so you can get the book and then you can look into the agogis and kind of go from there. But yeah, Nick, I appreciate you, man.. I keep pushing dude. I love your YouTube channel. I love the shit that you're doing This is so incredibly important Not just to to men kind of our age and where we are but to the next generation of men and women and leaders that are Coming up behind us like the you know These are the people who are gonna be taking care of the world that we leave them.

So it falls on us to continue sharing these messages. And I think you're just completely dialed in, bro. And I appreciate it. Thank you for your time today. Thank you, Ryan. ["Royalty Free"] Let's go. Yeah, make it lit, make it lit, make it lit keys.

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