The Ryan Hanley Show - Triumph after Trauma: Cyrus Jaffery's Journey from Conflict to Entrepreneurship

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

Became a Master of the Close: https://masteroftheclose.comEmbark on a transformative journey with Cyrus Jaffery, as he unfolds his incredible ascent from the war-torn streets of Afghanistan to the heights of entrepreneurial success in the U.S.✅ Join over 10,000 newsletter subscribers: https://go.ryanhanley.com/ ✅ For daily insights and ideas on peak performance: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ryanhanley ✅ Subscribe to the YouTube show: https://youtube.com/ryanmhanley Connect with Cyrus JafferyLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cyrus-jaffery-02840365/ Website: https://jafferyinsurance.com/Witness firsthand how a cramped Pakistani apartment with six siblings became the crucible for his resilience, and how these foundations of unyielding determination propelled him to lead a team of 160 in the vibrant spheres of insurance and technology. His memoir, "Triumph after Trauma," offers a raw, powerful testament to the human spirit's capacity to triumph over adversity.Delve into Cyrus's world of familial complexity and the stark influence such relationships can have on one's character and drive. His candid narration on the intricate dance with his father, who, despite providing a rocky model, imparted pivotal values such as discipline and punctuality, emerges as a cornerstone in his personal and professional evolution. The conversation also sheds light on the poignant transition to American life, demonstrating how embracing change—no matter how daunting—can lead to the discovery of inner strength and the inadvertent guidance negative role models can provide.Closing the chapter on this inspirational saga, Cyrus offers a treasure trove of wisdom, highlighting the paramount role of mindset, the embrace of failure as a catalyst for growth, and the fortifying power of disciplined daily routines. His stories weave a tapestry of success, illustrating that nurturing strong relationships and maintaining personal well-being are not just complementary but essential to professional achievement. Absorb the insights of a man who chases passion with fervor, and allow his journey to inspire you to turn life's trials into your own launchpad for greatness.

Welcome back to the show. Today we have a conversation with Cyrus Jaffrey. Cyrus is an entrepreneur. He's a speaker, a podcaster. He's a family man. He's a board member. And all of these things were born out of this tremendous story. His home was literally bombed in Afghanistan. He was forced to move to Pakistan, in which he lived in a one-room apartment with six brothers and sisters and his mom somehow found his way to the United States and has now become a multi-time entrepreneur founding multiple brands in the insurance industry and the technology

industry. He has more than 160 people working for him across all his brands. This story is amazing. It shows you that with determination, with the right mindset, with the right focus, with the right belief structure, we can make anything we want out of our lives. This is what Peak Performance is all about. It is what this podcast is all about. And I love bringing stories like Cyrus's to you. So with that introduction and no further avail, let's get on to Cyrus Jaffray. I'm good, man. I'm excited to have you on the show. I'm excited to talk about your journey. I really want to focus on the entrepreneurial parts of it. I think that's really where I'd like to talk about.

I mean, obviously we can talk a little bit about the insurance stuff, but I really want to know like, I mean, dude, you have such an interesting story, like being on your show and getting to know you just a little bit and then, you know, just digging in afterwards and learning more about what you're doing.

I think it's incredible. And I guess I'd love for people who don't know your story and maybe aren't familiar with you, you kind of gave me some of your background before we went live on your show, but I'd love for you to maybe just kick it off here. Start us off by telling us a little bit about where you came from, how you got into being an entrepreneur and business and all that kind of stuff. Just give us a little bit of the backstory. Yeah, man. I'm originally from Afghanistan, man. So I think that kind of throws off people when you're like, okay, so I'm two years old.

The story is actually right here. So my book just came out. Literally, it's the first copy I just got. Awesome. Triumph after trauma. And my whole life story is basically just dealing with adversity, is just basically having a winning attitude. So two years old now, I was in Afghanistan.

Mom and dad are born there. So we're basically hanging out. That's the early 90s when the Taliban came and invaded Afghanistan. And they bombed our house. My mom and dad are in there. My dad comes into the house and says hey to my mom hey our neighbor's house got hit

and there's a lot of dead bodies I gotta go help my mom is fighting him because my mom is pregnant I'm with my younger brother who is a year old or no he's my older brother who is four years old and it's me I'm two years old and they're like fighting because my mom is like dude you gotta get your kids out of here.

You can't be worried about other bodies because we will be next. And as soon as she says that, dude, our house gets hit, um, uh, with, uh, with a bond and debris everywhere, man. I go under a table, my mom sides open. I've got on the back of my head, actually scars from it. That's in the book. Um, from, because I was bleeding from my head and somehow man like we all got out of that house somehow man it was not my time at the time to I guess to be the end of it for me we go to a hospital for a week and then and then so the Taliban

when they invaded Afghanistan man that they wanted to control everything so they shut the whole country down and so you couldn't go from roads to get away to go to other countries because they wanted to keep everybody internal so you couldn't go from Rhodes to get away to go to other countries because they wanted to keep everybody internal. So you couldn't go through the main roads to escape. So you basically had to, we had my mom, my dad had to pay like 50,000 a person to go to a remote place, get in a helicopter. And then from there, they'll take us to Pakistan, which is the neighboring country to be safe. And my older brother and older sister were already there because there was some war.

My dad worked for the US military, so he heard something. So they got the two of them out to go to school there six months before. But he didn't know that things were going to turn really bad that quickly. So it did happen. And we got stuck there. So my mom walked for two weeks to me. She's pregnant. And then my older brother, she would walk during at night. And then during the day, she would just hide because she didn't want to be seen. Because if they see you,

they don't care, man. The Taliban at the time didn't care. And so she did that. We got to this remote place. This is a crazy story because we get to this remote place. There's six helicopters, me and my mom.

And we get into one helicopter. My mom is just freaking out and she's praying really, really hard. And the helicopter, the pilot is like, dude, lady, stop freaking out. Get in this. Let's relax. So we get up in the air. Dude, we're up in the air. There's six helicopters.

Kabul River is underneath us, the largest river. And I spin one or two times, and then he just kept going, man. It just grazed the bottom of the helicopter. The other five fall in the Kabul river. I'm a hundred percent positive. Everybody is dead except for our helicopter somehow. So, so my story starts with the first two years of my life, you know, like we pretty much like I should have been dead two times easily.

Right. Like, so, but God had a different, different plan for me. And so we got to Pakistan. We're 12 years old, lived in refugee camps for a year, and then found an apartment. And we stayed there for 12 years and tried because my dad's side, their whole family is in Omaha, Nebraska at this point because my dad's oldest sister's husband worked for the University of Kabul. They had a relationship with university here in Nebraska. He came as a professor and then brought all his brothers and sisters as refugees to the U.S.

My dad was the only one out of 12 that said, I don't want to go. I love what I do. He was an entrepreneur himself. He owned restaurants and gas stations in Afghanistan back in the 70s. He was like, I don't want to do that. You know, he was a little bit older at the time. And so that's why we stayed and we never, we never came here. And then we had to deal with this.

We stayed in Pakistan for 12 years, one bedroom, man, you know, six of us kids in one room sleeping on the floor, going and fetching water to give a bath. There's no bath showers. You had to go grab water. There's no running water at the time. You had to go grab water a mile away, bring the water, and then use the same water with six of us once a week to shower before you go to school on Monday. But you didn't know any better, man. It was me and my brothers. Two or three of my brothers are within two years apart. And everybody else was living the same way so like you have no idea you think we played cricket we played outside all the time so like we had no we didn't know

what life was like other than the life that we were living so we thought we were hitting lottery because we escaped Afghanistan right so anyways uh tried 10 times to become a refugee hit the lottery uh I believe it was May of 2002 uh six months before or seven months after 9-11, we get approved to come to the US. We come here, I'm a freshman in high school. I don't speak English. My brother doesn't speak English. 9-11 just happened. We don't look the same. We look like we're from those countries that pretty much got them to the broad 9-11. So it was a tough upbringing. But yeah, man, so that's kind of like my backstory of how we go from Afghanistan to Pakistan to come to the U.S.

So when you get to Afghanistan, is your dad reengaging his kind of entrepreneurial spirit is he uh did he find a job is he trying to start businesses like like obviously and we're going to get into more of your what you're currently doing as we go but i'm really interested in how you have had this this entrepreneurial nature embedded into you is this like, like, obviously you saw it, but you're two years old, right? I mean, you're two years old when you first left Afghanistan for Pakistan, sorry. And now you're in Pakistan.

Is he continuing to push that? Is he teaching you? Is he talking to you? Like, are you guys, is he, you know, how is your dad or any family members influencing you at this time as you're continuing to grow i mean you were you were there for what you you were a a freshman height that's what 13 14 that's 12 years that that you were living there um what was that like uh and and

do you think that played a role in your in who you are today in terms of the entrepreneurial side obviously it impacted you immensely as a person yeah honestly man like um not real my dad like would come could come to to pakistan for six months and then he'll leave for six months he'll come in for three months and then he'll leave for six months and we had a terrible relationship to be honest with you we still do because like my dad was old school like you know like we got beatings all the time we would do this it was just that's but that's how his parents were. So by no means, like he was just like, hey, I'm trying to be, I'm trying to set rules. So one thing I learned about my dad, man, is like the discipline of like, hey, man, like you've got to do things right.

You've got to be on time. When I, like we, dude, we would get beat if like, so over there back home, like there was no, we didn't have cell phones or watches. So you don't know the time. So you go play. We're playing in this playground, which is about a mile away. And then over there, so there's prayers. So big noises come out. It's time to pray.

Everybody prays in Pakistan and Afghanistan or Muslim countries. So you see these loud noises. When those loud noises come, my dad is in town. That means like I'm late. Like that means. Are you tired of endless follow-ups and missed opportunities in your sales process, chasing leads is a losing game. That's why I created the one call close system, a battle tested sales system that uses behavioral psychology to close deals in just one call. No more. Let me think about it. No more. I'll get back to you. Using the one call close system, we took new reps from 25% close ratio to over 80% in just three months.

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lot about um the entrepreneur side of things my dad didn't teach me a lot about about about how to become a dad how to be a good dad how to be a good dad, how to be a one, any of that stuff. What he did teach me was the discipline of like, okay, um, how do you, first of all, how do you, how do you, how do you treat people? How do you, how do you, in his, in his, in his capacity, how do you raise kids? Uh, and, uh, and, and on how to truly be just disciplined and, and all that stuff and how to treat other people with respect and all of that stuff. Those are the things that I took from my dad, not his entrepreneurship. Yeah.

You know, I didn't have the best role models from a male perspective as well growing up in terms of my dad and my stepdad. And, you know, what I took a lot from them at that time in their lives, they both have since come around and are really good grandfathers to my, to my children. But as you know, when they were, you know, my stepdad and my dad, not, you know, I basically live from the standpoint of, I want to do everything the opposite of what these guys are doing. So it was like seeing, you know, sometimes if you can have the right perspective, even if that person is not a role model in so much as I want to be who this person is,

I want to model myself after them. They can almost be the negative, right? They can be the opposite and say, okay, I'm going to take how they, the things they did, the way they treated me or the way they treated my mother or whatever. And it almost does provide even a stronger framework. At least that's what I've found as to what I don't want to be. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be an addict. I don't want to be a fly off the hinge or, or, or not be trustworthy in my emotional state or how I'm going to speak to you or, or,

or the physical violence piece. Right. So like, I do think that it seems like you've been able to put in perspective, you know, and not perpetuate that. And in doing so, you probably use them, use your dad almost as like a, as like a, here's what not to do in some cases. Right. And that can be just as strong, I think for us, I, I don't know, particularly for guys. I think that that you oftentimes can look at that male role model and say, they're basically giving me a case study on who I don't necessarily I don't want to be in that standpoint. So. All right. So tell me you said you you hit the lottery. Tell me what it was like. And obviously, you know, I'm a I'm a white kid from the country in upstate New York. Right.

So I have no idea what it's like to be a refugee in Pakistan and to get a letter, a call, a message, whatever that says, hey, you have the opportunity to go to the United States. What's that moment like for you guys? What's the conversation? How much time do you have? Just talk me through that process a little bit because it's just such a foreign experience to me and probably most of the people listening. I'd love to just know a little bit about what that was like and what you were thinking in your head. Yeah. So remember so we did um we did like nine interviews and after that final interview they tell you okay like all right you guys are going to the u.s or or no you're not but like by the nine one i was like hey we're just gonna go do this again um and then it's just not gonna it's just not gonna work so i'm gonna i'm dad i'm i gotta go i gotta go play because like i really

enjoy like being outside and playing sports and stuff like that. So for me, it was when we, when we did get the news, it was one of those things where like, Oh, Oh, okay. Um, this is going to be different. It was like, dude, I had my life there, man. I had friends there. I had my life. I had everything that I had going on for me, man. I thought I was living the dream. I was, I was doing certain things. I thought I was going to go up there and do certain things. And I didn't know anything about the U S so it didn't really, I didn't really add any expectations. It was almost like my mom was like, was like taking me from somewhere where like I was, I was having a good time and like being a party pooper and taking me somewhere else and kind of disrupting my life almost. Right. But one thing I would tell you about my mom and she's a, she's a go-getter man. And she, she has her mind on something.

How she escaped and walked for two weeks to get us to the helicopter to getting us to pakistan as a single mom and raising six kids um the way she's raised those six kids and then leaving her husband back home and she her husband didn't come my dad did come come in here and saying hey i'm gonna i'm gonna do what's best for my kids then raise these guys into into into certain individuals so i i i took a lot from my mom uh both versus my dad of course but the moment was like man no like because we've been good we've been going and going and going this was another time of like okay now we got to go somewhere else it was like damn mom like i don't want to do that so i cried for the first 30 days i promise you i came here because i was like i didn't want to be here it's different it. It's not the same. I don't speak the language.

I have the same people. They don't like me. They treat me as an outsider, especially at that time. So, like, that first part was pretty tough. And that moment when they told me, man, I had some regrets. I had some bad feelings at the time about leaving. Was it fairly easy for you to integrate into Pakistan? Relatively? Yeah, I mean, I was two.

So it was one of those things where my mom was like, all right. So I kind of like, I know Pakistan. I don't know Afghanistan. So it was one of those times where I don't really remember Afghanistan much. Writing the book and going through the past and then interviewing my dad and my uncles and my aunts back home brought back some memories, but I was still pretty young. So I don't really, and when you deal with some trauma, a lot of times, man, I'm seeing a therapist and looking through a lot of things that I've dealt with in life. And when you deal with some of those things, man, like you kind of almost like block a part of your life that was very challenging and you don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to hear about it. You almost like that never happened, but it shapes you who you are don't want to talk about it. You don't want to hear about it. You almost like, and that never happened, but, but it shapes you who you are and you need to talk about it. And honestly, like if you don't talk about it, you're going to keep inside of you for a long time and it's just not going to be well for you. I think, I think I actually said this on your podcast when, when we were talking that the best advice i ever got was back in geez i'm gonna forget it was 2017 2018 a mentor of mine said go find a counselor or someone you can talk to uh it's got to be someone outside your family someone you pay and go see them every other week for the rest of your life and consider it just a life expense and i've done that for the most part. And I'm with you, man. You start talking about

things. And it's funny how, you know, I read a ton. I consume a ton. I think about a lot of topics. I write a lot, a lot of topics. But when you actually sit down with someone and you hear the words come out of your mouth as they're asking you questions and you're explaining and you're like, and I even found, and I love your feedback on this since you have this trauma and you have all these experiences and now you've recreated them in your mind through your book, right? Like I found that I would say something and I would like stop myself and be like, is that is that really the way I feel about that? Or did it really happen that way? Or, you know, and then as I talked about it more, it was like I started to go, wow, I've pretended like I felt this way about this or I boxed this up or I never really dealt with this issue or man, I've literally never told another human about this situation or how I felt about this or what happened in this moment.

And, um, and then you can start to deal with it, but, but man, it is, it definitely is wild when you, when you are explaining something to people, to a, to a counselor or a therapist, whatever, and you hear certain words come out of your mouth and you're like, I don't know, your internal monologue would have never said that. But when you verbalize it and you hear it, it really starts to set it in your head. One, is that is that a shared experience? Is that something that you found? And two, like, how has that been going through the process of writing a book and recreating these past experiences? How has that impacted you? Man, I would say going to him for the last six to 12 months or whatever that I've

been going has made me a better husband, a better communicator. I open up a lot more. I share a lot more. I just feel like, man, there's one thing in my life that I never – there's one thing that I never shared with anybody in my life. And it almost like I knew it happened, and it was embarrassing a lot of times. And then talking to like a counselor or a therapist, whoever, things just come out of your mouth almost. It's like, wow, like I can't believe, like I've never even told my wife this. I've never told the person I care about the most because whether it was embarrassing or anyways, I was really young when this thing happened. So like, it's not my fault that somebody took advantage and all that stuff.

And like, so I think. There you are, bud. Dude, Ryan. No, you're good. You're good. You just, you just dropped on me that's okay hey let's uh

let's restart at um at you said you started to hear things come out of your mouth and you uh became a better communicator with your wife

better communicator with your family that kind of stuff right around there is where it started to get a little choppy okay um

and you said and I just sent a message to the team so I think I think we're gonna be just fine moving forward. I apologize for that. No, good.

Oh, good, man. Happens. You were talking about how when you started meeting, some things started coming out of your mouth that you hadn't said before, some stories you hadn't even shared with your wife, and that has made you a better communicator. So they're around there. Yep.

Yeah, so it has, man. It has made me a better communicator. And the biggest reason being is because like, when you can tell like your dark, deep secrets to, to somebody that you just met like six months ago. And, and, and I think it feels a lot better to, to say that to somebody because that person is not going to judge you. Right. And like your significant other is not going to judge you. Your brother and sister is not going to judge you, but you almost feel embarrassed to tell them because what are they going to

think of you? Because they're important to you, your wife and your brother and sister are important to you. You don't want them to think any different of you because certain things happen to you. So, so I would say, man, I, I wish everybody in the world, man, would have, would have a therapist, would have a counselor that they can just go and talk to about life. Obviously with mental health and a lot of things happening, man, especially some of that stuff happens in the winter around, around when it's a little bit colder, I guess, here,

or anytime, really, in general, man. I feel like when people talk about it, get that stuff out, it's just such a, you're just a better human being. I'm a better father. I'm a better husband. I'm a better leader at the office because I feel free and I don't have things inside of me that I'm just not sharing with somebody. And it's not embarrassing. It really is out, man. It's not you. It's things that happens to you in your life. And a lot of those times, and honestly, sometimes if it is embarrassing things that you did, sharing those things, man, it's funny because there are so many people that are dealing with the same exact thing but like but like nobody wants to talk about it because that feel of social media and other places are all about like let's talk about the good stuff and all this stuff man

there's some bad stuff too man and i think we need to talk about it um because that's the only way to become better and and and move forward and especially with me and human people that are like a lot of people we know people they're like high achievers. They want to do certain things and go and go and go and go and do this or that and all, and all the other stuff. I feel like those are the people that are hiding a lot of things sometimes because you're hiding things because you're just getting yourself caught up in all these businesses and stuff. So you're more busier than, than you truly should be. So, yeah, I, you know, I told, there's a couple of things in there. I think one, the more open that I've been with my life, the more I've found that most people's stuff is even crazier than mine. Right. So you think your stuff is the craziest stuff. You know what

I mean? You think, oh, no one's going to understand about this or no one's going to understand that, you know, you know, my, my, you know, every male role model in my life was an addict or that for a large portion of my life, my father was in jail. You know what I mean? People are not going to... And then people are like, oh, here's what I had to deal with. And you're like, oh, wait,

your stuff is just as crazy as my stuff. Or crazy. We're all messed up, broken people trying to do our best. And I think this is the thing I'm the, I may be the most interested in about you. So you got a wild story. And I am positive that there are dozens, hundreds of moments that you could have just become a victim.

You could have just said, you know what, you know, you know, my my my home got blown up in Afghanistan. God hates me. You know, I lived in a one room with six on the floor and my mom and my dad wasn't around. And, you know, God hates me. And, you know, and then I got forced to go to this country where I don't speak the language. You know, and I'm dealing with all this nonsense because this thing just happened when I let, you know, you could have been a victim so many times yet you're not. You've pushed forward. You're a family guy.

You're a business guy. People respect you. You help people. Your family's part of your business. Like, how do you, how did you not become a victim? Like, what is it about? Is it you, your story,

the people who surround yourself? Like, you not become a victim? Like, what is it about? Is it you, your story, the people who surround yourself? Like, you could be a victim and no one would blame you, right? No one would say to you, hey, man, we get it. You had all this messed up stuff. You got all these things going on in your head. Like, we get it. It's okay to not achieve. It's okay to sit on a couch and eat Doritos

and take money from the government or whatever. Like, it's okay. You didn't do that. You chose a different path. And I'm so interested in why you, why, how, et cetera. You, you, you didn't go down that path. You didn't choose. You chose to push and, and to become this thing that you are like, um, I just think it's such a great example of what's possible. And I'm just really interested in how you got there. soccer. My dad played soccer and we played. I was a good athlete. So I really got caught up

into soccer right away when I got here at 14, 15 years old. And I was really good at it, man. I was the best player in our JV team right away as a freshman and played in varsity for my sophomore, junior, and senior year. And what soccer did to me, man, at the time was it turned almost something negative that was basically happening to me. I turned it into something positive because as I started having success on the soccer field as a freshman, you could see all these people that weren't talking to me, that were making fun of me, that were doing all this stuff and being racist to me. All of them kind of turned into like, wow, Cyrus, you're really good, man. Hey, do you want to hang out? I was like, what? I was like,

I was like, you guys, you guys were just doing this like two months ago. And now that I'm on a soccer team, I'm one of the best players. Like I have all these friends and like, I've never had that in the past. Right. So I'm like, but then I was like, man, I'm going to be really, really, really good because I want a lot of friends and I want a lot of people to like you. And then it basically turned into, okay, how can you do better? And how can you do better? Now, can you be an all American? Can you be this? Can you go to college, pay for college and all these things? So, so at the time it was, here's what happens. God, God puts you in different situations and puts different things in your life for certain reasons, right? So if my house didn't get bombed, if I didn't get in an helicopter, if I didn't go to Pakistan, if I didn't go through all the stuff I had to deal with my freshman year in high school, I wouldn't be the person I am today, man.

Maybe I am that couch potato that's sitting there and saying, man, like, I had it really good, so I'm sitting here and I'm doing my thing. So I almost see it as, hey, man, like, the more adversity in life that you deal with, it's almost building calluses in your mind to tell you that, hey, man, this is just another another day in Cyrus, Jeffrey's life, man. It's just another thing I got to deal with. Right. So I don't know where that comes from, to be honest with you. Maybe it's from like just born being born and just putting into this like adversity after adversity, after just making it like every day is like, where are we going to eat today? How are we going to eat today? Do we have enough for everybody to get fed today? So it's almost one of the survival mode, right? You're not really thinking of like anything else other than making it through the day to be able to have food on the table, if that makes sense. So that kind of survive. And even to today, like, like I'm still in the same mindset today. I'm just

like, man, I just got to make it throughout the day because now that I have like people that like, man, I just got to make it throughout the day because now that I have people that, honestly, I got with my wife at 23, 24 years old, and I was like, oh, this person relies on me. I have to support this person at the time. And then when I became a father is when I truly changed. I became a completely different person because when you have too much success, when a lot of friends, as you might know, when I was when I was 17, 16 years old, man, like I had a lot of friends. I was on the varsity. I was like a cool kid for once. I did some stuff that I'm not proud of, man. And like, I wasn't be, I wasn't the person I am today for sure. From like 17 to 22, man, I just went into like a hole almost. And everybody in life, you're going to go into certain kind of hole. But you got to know how to get out of that hole because a hole is always going to be there. You're going to go in a hole and you got to be able to find a way to get out

of it. And that's where I'm looking at like God puts different people and different things in your life saying, hey, soccer is going to get you out of that hole. And then it's Michelle, which is like my wife now. She got me out of that hole because I'm like, man, this person relies on me. I got to do really good on my job to pay the rent for our place that we had. And then when you have a kid, you're like, man, now like Sophia, my first, I had her at like 27, 26 years old. I was like, man, I can't fail because now it's not just me failing. I'm failing many other people. And then you have employees, right? And then you're like, man, I can't fail in the business because man, I'm failing many other people. And then you have employees, right? And then you're like, man, like I can't fail in the business because man, I got to, I'm going to fail like

10 other people. So I feel like it was survival made for a long time. And then God puts all these people into your life and you got to take those as fuel. So now I've got our organization, 130 people. I've got three kids, my wife, my mom, my older brother who got in a car accident, who was disabled. I feel like all those weight of all those people are on my shoulders. And I'm just, man, going at it. And I can't even sit down one minute and think, oh, because I don't have time for that because I got to just go, go, go. And that's not good. So that's why a therapist is really nice because you can sit with them in that hour and just absorb everything and be like,

man, not every one of those people have to be on your shoulders. Who is carrying you? And that's a question that's hard for me that I'm still searching today because it could get lonely at the top once in a while. Yeah, I think it certainly does. It, you know, I, in my career, in a while, you know? Yeah, I think it certainly does. It, um, you know, I, uh, in my

career, in my life, I feel like I've been on the top of the mountain and been knocked all the way down to the bottom quite a few times. Um, I've, I've had to start from zero quite a few times and everything that you talked about it, going down past becoming a person that you, you don't necessarily like, or even recognizing in the mirror at different times and having to pull yourself back out of that. And I think people excuse it when we're young, but we don't like to talk about it when it happens when we're older, right? There's like a certain age, and I don't know what that age is. Maybe it's late 20s, early 30s, where all of a sudden, when you find yourself in a hole, it goes from like, oh, you're just a kid finding yourself

to what's wrong with that guy? What's wrong with her? I don't want to tell anybody about this. I don't want anyone to know that I got fired. I don't want anyone to know that I'm depressed even though I got all these people and I'm making all this money. What's he got to be depressed about? Or why is he stressed or anxious? You know what I mean? Like, like, oh, it must be nice to have those kinds of problems.

Like, like you hear this stuff and you know, I, I think that these are the struggles, like it doesn't, it literally doesn't matter. You know, sometimes I hear people who are super successful give advice and I'm like, yeah, I think it's very trite. And it's like, yeah, you can say that now, but let's talk about what it was like when you were getting to where you are. And it feels like to me, how do you plow through that? For the person who's looking at what you built, and I want to talk a little bit more about that in a minute, but when they hear about what you've built, if they don't already know, and they're hearing 130 employees

and you've gone through all this, how do you deal with the day-to-day? How do you make sure that you have these people who are relying on you? This is the last thing I'll say and then I'll let you talk. I will say something to myself when I know I'm not in a good mental place. And I don't know if it's the right thing to say or whatever. But there are days when you just, like you said,

you feel like the weight of the world is just, and maybe it's even not, but it feels like it. And you have to be aware of that data point, right? Even if logically you know that's not true. Some days it feels like it. And I will literally look in the mirror and I'll say to myself, your only goal for today is don't fall apart. Don't fall apart.

I'll literally look at myself in the mirror and I'll be like, Ryan, just don't fall apart today, right? Don't be reactive to someone. Don't have drinks when you get home. Don't, you know, death scroll on Twitter or Instagram or something. Don't, you know, like, like just, just don't fall apart. You don't have to kill it. Just don't fall apart. And like, I found that that just giving myself that grace of like, you can have a C plus day today and it's okay, right? Gets you through to get to more A days where you have a day where you blow everything up, right? You just decide to go to the bar or whatever your vice is, whatever your thing is, right?

Those days knock you back so far versus just having a kind of crappy okay day getting through and getting the next one so so that has worked really well for me um well you know i don't know a psychologist may have different thoughts on saying that but um but like how do you do that you you got 130 people that look at you like how do you get through each day and make sure that you don't fall apart? Yeah, I think, well, I would tell you, you're going to fall apart, right? And if you don't, if you don't fall apart, you're lying to yourself that you're not falling apart. It's okay. It's okay to fall apart. But one thing I know is I know when I'm falling apart. I think a lot of people, for me, like when you know you have a problem or some things are not going well in your life, that's when you know you pretty much excel at this thing

called life because you know you're falling apart because that's the only way to fix it. If you know there's a problem, right? If you just keep bullshitting yourself that, oh, I'm not falling apart. I'm the best and I'm doing this and this. That's just not right for you. So for me, it's pretty simple, man. I know when things are not going well and I put triggers in my life to be able to know when those things are not going right. For example, there's four things in my life, man. And I look at this on the mirror at night every day, every day, because I know these four things are right, man. Everything else is going to fall in the line. And if I have a C plus day, I know that tomorrow is a new day, but I need to know that I've had a C plus day. The people that are going to have four C plus days in a row are the people that

are going to have a very hard time having a lot of A days. But the people that go from C plus to an A the next day, man, just don't fail twice. If you guys do that one thing, just don't do it twice in a row. Things are going to be just fine. So for me, it's the relationship with, for me, for me, obviously with, with, with, with God or what he has created for me and then my wife. Like, so, so I know at the end of the night, man, one thing we do, me and my, me and my wife is like, it's a kiss at night. So we don't just kiss at night just to go to bed.

It's one of those things where if my wife is this way, she won't give me a kiss if something's wrong and we need to talk about that. Then I know it might trigger like, hey, babe, I'm going to bed tonight. And I know something's wrong. All right, let's talk about it. What happened? Because a lot of times go to bed not talking about it. Then they go on, tomorrow night you will go to bed not talking about it. The next night you'll go to bed not talking about it. Then they go on, tomorrow night you will go to bed not talking about it. The next night you'll go to bed not talking about it. You're not on the same page. So for us, it was pretty clear right away that like, because I know that if that relationship is right, man, everything else is going to fall into place because I'm not in the correct mind when I come to work and I'm fighting with her or something. I'm just not in the right place. I'm

going to have a C plus day. So that's number one important thing is, can that be, if that communication up there is correct, because from then it goes my second one on my mirror, it's, I cross out a day. So right now it's 4,231 days. That's how many days I've left with my daughter when she leaves for college. So I know how important it is for me, for me every day to cross that out and go one more day. I'm like, man, did I spend quality time with her and with my son and the other son? Because that's extremely important as well. Because every day you're crossing it down. You're like, man, I didn't do a good job today. But you'll know the next day you will have a good because you'll remember that. And then third is health, man.

Because if you're not taking care of your health, you're eating bad, you're not doing certain things. You're just going to go in a funk, man, when you're not eating right, when you're not exercising. For me, it's 5.30 in the morning. Every morning I go outside and I work out. That kind of puts me in the right stage. And it's my meditation. A lot of people, it's meditation. For me, it's early morning and I go work out. And then fourth is I pick one employee every week, man, that's on my list that I have to just touch base with, whether it's a quick call or email or just keep an eye on them. Because a lot of times when you have a larger organization, we have like 29 to 30 employees and another 100 contractors. And it's all over the country, 30 some states.

So I can't talk to everybody. But I know that strategically I can pick one person a week and then I can just go down the line. So at least they know, like, I'm just touching base with them, seeing how, how, how's your son doing, daughter doing, whatever that you need to ask. And so for me, if I can be disciplined on those four things, I know I'm having a C plus day, but having it visually every night when I'm brushing my teeth, it's very hard for me to be off two days in a row. Yeah. No, I love that. I love the don't fail twice.

This is actually something that at Rogue Risk and in every team that I've managed, I used to say all the time, I was like, guys, we're going to make every mistake that exists. Every mistake. And I think as humans, as people like guys we're gonna make every mistake that exists every mistake and i think as humans as people we're gonna make every mistake like and and and i'm i'm with you like god tests us you know i'm a i i'm a uh a firm believer and and i have a strong faith and I, uh, I believe that God purposely tests us. And I think the test is okay. Here's the, here's the miss, right? You,

you went, you, you, you didn't even talk to your daughter tonight. Didn't even talk to her. Didn't see her. You were doing this crisscross. She's got this thing, bam, bam. You didn't even talk to her. And you go in and you, and, and that's the miss. And you're standing there in front of the mirror and you're brushing your teeth and you're like, man, nah, you know, you just get mad at yourself for a miss. And you're standing there in front of the mirror and you're brushing your teeth. And you're like, man. You know, you just get mad at yourself for a sec. But here's the test.

Don't let it happen the next day. Right? And this goes for everything. You missed your workout. Don't miss your workout the next day. You had a bad moment. Your willpower was low. And you grabbed a bag of potato chips instead of a handful of grapes for a snack and you mowed

those potato chips because potato chips are delicious. Okay. Right. Potato chips are the best. But don't do it the next day. Next day, go to yourself. Hey, I had my chips yesterday. I'm going to have grapes today. And now the chips mean nothing. And like little trivial things that we, the loss is when it becomes a habit, when the failures become a habit. And like, you know, and again, dude, this is a big reason why I changed the name of this podcast from the Ryan Hanley show to Finding Peak. To me, these are the conversations that we need to have as entrepreneurs, as leaders, as mothers, fathers, partners. You know, I think, you know, in life, it is, I've never heard, I'll put it this way, and I think you would agree, but obviously you give me your feedback. I've never talked to a successful person who ever blamed tactics for something not going right.

I've never had someone blame tactics, right? Ever. Ever in history of all the conversations I've had with all the successful people, either on this podcast or in business, I have never had someone blame tactics for the reason that something happened in their life or their business that they were unhappy with. It was always their mindset and the way that they operated their life, right? I wasn't disciplined for this period of time.

I let my relationship with my spouse go. I neglected to have a tough conversation with this employee. I was too egotistical. I didn't have courage. Whatever the thing is, it's always the stuff that's going on between our head that causes the real problems. It's never like, well, if only I knew how to optimize my Facebook campaigns, then my business would have been a success. That's's never, ever been the case, you know? And I just think, uh, I just love that to death. So, so I do have one fob question, um, on this is, uh, so someone's listening and they love, and they, and they're going, you know, this is, I love this, right? Uh, I am going to get just a little nerdy on this

because I think it's just interesting. Um, when you say it's on your mirror, like piece of paper, did you write it? How did you visually present this to yourself so that it was a reminder every day? It was just a marker, just a marker, a black marker on the mirror. I just wrote it down. And then I had a marker right next to my toothbrush every night. I crossed out 5,220 days. No, 5,219 days, right? They put it down. It just keeps me on track, man, because here's the thing, Ryan, man, like money and fame and all the other stuff, man, none of that stuff truly matters. What truly matters is in that order, man, your relationship with your faith, your significant other, your kids, and then your health. Last in the bottom of it is all,

is my work. Like work stuff doesn't, at the end of the day, man, like that stuff really doesn't really doesn't matter to me if the first three are not are not done down correctly. But if the first three are man at a nine out of 10 at a 10 out of 10, work is going to be well because you're going to be in the right mindset. And for work, you need to be in the right mindset. And for work, you need to be in the right mindset. Nobody ever comes to work fought with their significant other or their kids are fighting with them and they're going to come to work and give it a hundred percent. They're just not. And cause you're just thinking about those things. So yeah. Yeah, dude, I love, I absolutely love it. So I want to, um, we haven't even talked about like the entrepreneur and I want to be, uh, I want to be cognizant of your time and of the audience's time. And I think, uh, we got to have another episode here and I want to even learn

more about the book. There's like a whole bunch of stuff. So I definitely think we're going to do a part two of this. If you're up for it, if you agree, we have a couple of weeks, have you come back? I want to do a part two cause I want to get into the book and I want to get into your entrepreneur journey. But, um, uh, and so let's stay, uh, understanding that we'll do that. And I got your commitment and I'm excited for that. Um, let's stay uh understanding that we'll do that and i got your commitment and i'm excited for that um let's stay just uh the last few minutes we have together on mindset so um as you've uh you've talked about how you've started to go to therapy and i know you're you're a big um i know you you have your own podcast you talk to a lot of successful people

there i know you're a big thinker about stuff. I know you spend time on these thoughts. You have three kids. If you were tasked with, God comes down and says, Cyrus, you can give your kids one idea, one concept to help them become the best versions of themselves? You get one concept, right? You can give to them. What would that concept be? What would be the message that you would give them to help them?

You're pushing all three of them off into their life journey at the same time and you can give them one message, one idea as you push them off into that journey. What would that be? Fail and keep trying. Fail, fail, and keep trying. Because, man, if you don't fail, you will not learn.

And I use that to heart, man. I have made some decisions on the business side that we have lost a lot of money. We have failed big time. But I learned so much from it. Right. And, and the other part of it is I don't want to set 10 years from now. I don't want to, I don't want to be like, man, I wish I would have spent 10 K and did that venture because look, look where that person has gone, who tried it when I was so like, I never want to be that guy that sits back and says, that says, man,

I wish I would have done that. I want to be like, man, I lost 10K. It is what it is. Not the end. Not everybody can afford to lose. I understand that part of it. But relative to them, it could be a thousand bucks, could be a hundred bucks. Relative to them. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. So try, dude. Try everything. And I tell people all the time, dude, in your 20s, man, try everything. And that's what I tell my kids. Try everything. If you don't wake up in the morning and excited about putting your pants on to go to work, no. Go find something that you truly enjoy. Try a bunch of different things in your 20s. Figure out exactly what do you really want to do. Because failing is truly

what's going to tell you what you really like. Because the things that you fail in, you're probably not very good at. You're going to learn some stuff from it. And then the next time you're going to do it, you're going to do it correctly. So for me, for my kids, that's going to be the thing. Hey, it's okay to fail. Get back up and do the things that you're supposed to do because adversity is going to hit you. You're going to go in a hole.

You're going to run into stuff. But how do you kind of get away from it? and then take risks, right? Like I'm, I'm a risk taker, man. I think a lot of people that are entrepreneurs are risk takers, of course, because 97% of businesses don't make it after five years. So if you're not taking those risks, man, you're not going to be in situations that you truly want to be. So you got to be able to take risks. I'm not calculating risks for some people, of course, right? You've got to really, if you're, what I tell, what I was going to tell my kids, I don't, they want to be in insurance, right?

One of my biggest jobs in this world is to make sure those kids are good human beings. If they can be that, like the rest of this stuff, I don't care what they do, whatever, like none of my business. If they can be good human beings, but if the one thing they can learn from that is to truly just do what you love, right? And if it's insurance or banking or tech or whatever that is when you grow up, do what you love, but then the other part of it is fail as much as you can because that's going to take you a lot of things in. And I'm hoping those lessons go to them.

But as you know, kids, man, they do, they do whatever they do, whatever, whatever they want to do. So here's, here's, here's what I know about that is that, um, my dad said a bunch of things to me and all the craziness of my childhood. Um, and many of those things, when I was a kid, I probably couldn't have recreated. However, there were some concepts that he said to me over and over and over again, that as an adult now, and as a father myself have now become part of my core value structures. One of them is exactly what you just said. You know, if you were to ever meet my dad, who's an amazing grandfather and our relationship is wonderful now and, you know, whatever. But like, you know, he said to me one time uh uh rye he said you're gonna realize this when you become a dad i was asking him about something he said you're gonna realize this

when you become a dad when you become a dad or in this goes for moms too uh when you become a parent um your only job from that moment on is to make your kids better than you. And that does not mean financially better. It means a better human. Your job is to take, you know, help fill in the gaps where your places are so that they can be better versions of you. And to your point, I think if you do that and you make that your focus,

the derivative of everything else in your life, your work, your relationships, your friendships, your hobbies, all these other things, they just become better because you can't put that kind of positivity into these humans that are connected to you and not have good things come out the back end. I think it's wonderful, my man.

Dude, so the book, Triumph After Trauma, where can people get it? Where can they, if it's, you know, how do we get them connected to the book? I want to get, well, there'll be links in the show notes for anybody, whether you're on Amazon or sorry, whether you're on Spotify or Apple

or wherever you're listening or watching on YouTube, I'll have links to the book. So where can people go if they just want to go directly? Yeah, just my story, man, about my life and how I come from where I came from and detailed notes on things that I used to basically use as leverage to be where I am today. So it's on Amazon. It's on cyrusjaffrey.com where you can go in and grab a book. We would love for you guys to try it out, man. And I hope it, the book was honestly pretty simple. The legacy thing, one thing that sticks around

for a very long time, as you know, is books. And it's something that I'm hoping that it maybe changes one person's mindset about what they're dealing with that, hey, a lot of other people have dealt with this as well. Wake up and do big things in life. Well, I mean, after people hearing your story and hearing the type of guy you are, I think they'd be crazy not to pick up the book.

And I know that more than one person will learn something and grow from it. It's been a huge pleasure. And we're definitely going to do this again in a couple of weeks because I want to get into the business side of stuff, which we didn't even talk about. But I appreciate the hell out of you. And thanks for coming on the show. Man, this means a lot to have me, man. an honor so appreciate you yeah thank you make it look easy hey stand up guy boom ten toes big body pull up in a range row i can chase the whole game when i say so i pull up shut it down yeah they know running this game in a game for me i never

switched up no change in me the only thing changing this season you go against me then you know that you tweaking, okay? Cause baby, I'm him. I be on 10. Two stepping in the party, I do not dance. Watch how I move. Make it look easy. Counting up wins, that's part of the plan.

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