The Ryan Leak Podcast - Helped, Heard, or Hugged

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

Someone you love comes to you with something heavy. And because you care, you immediately start solving it. You’ve got a plan, next steps, practically a spreadsheet. And you watch their face close. Because they didn’t come to you for a solution. They came to you to be felt. Ryan unpacks the mismatch that ruins more conversations than conflict ever will.In this episode, Ryan breaks down the three things people actually want when they share something vulnerable: to be helped, to be heard, or to be hugged. The problem? They rarely tell you which one. And we rarely ask. Whether you’re a fixer who needs to learn to listen or a sharer who needs to learn to name what you need, this episode gives both sides a job to do.

What's going on, my friends? Welcome back to the Ryan League podcast where we love to keep things short and sweet for you each and every week. I always want to give you something that I believe can have value to your life, relationships, leadership, just the way you live every single day. Today's episode is entitled, Helped, heard, or hugged. Helped, heard, or hugged. Today's episode is designed for me. okay this is a massive weakness of mine i live in a in a space where people primarily come to me for help like that's what i spend 99% of my life doing is helping other people i wake up thinking who can i help today. And so inevitably, there will be people that are close to me that will come to me with

something heavy, something real, they'll finally say the thing, they've been carrying around all week. And because I care about them, I'm like, boom, let me help them and immediately start fixing it. And I think that I did the loving thing. I think I offered a solution. And, And somehow I get it completely wrong because not everybody comes to me for a solution. Sometimes people come to me for a listening ear. I've done this with my kids, have done this with my spouse,

have done this with siblings, where they've reached out, and my default was, oh, I'm just going to help you. I'm just going to fix it. And so here are my three steps. and the solving it, and here's my plan, and here's a spreadsheet, okay? And pausing to recognize, like, the moment, like, that's not what that person needs is something I'm working on at a high level.

And so as I've been studying this in my own personal time, it's interesting. A counselor's talk about this idea of, you know, when you think about a bid for connection and, and you think about the dynamic in a relationship or somebody's sharing something with you and how do you respond to that and how do you be present and how do you turn off a side of you that is good for your profession

but may not be good for your personal relationships. What surfaces is this idea of I'm asking the person, do you want to be helped? Do you want to be heard? or do you want to be hugged? Helped, heard. Helped is when they actually want your input. They've got a problem, and they want your brain on it.

Give me your take. Tell me what you do. This is the one that's easiest for me. It's probably easiest for you, too, because I think it's the one we default to, whether they ask for it or not. I mean, all of us have been sitting at a lunch or on a phone conversation

and gotten unsolicited opinions and advice. I've been on airplanes with strangers, and they started giving me advice. I'm like, I don't even know your name. We haven't even introduced ourselves to one another, and you give me advice? How'd this happen? Heard is different, though.

Asked the person, hey, do you just want to be heard right now? That means, like, they don't want you to do anything. They want to be witnessed. They want to say the hard thing out loud and have somebody nod and go, yeah, that's hard. You're not fixing there. You're not planning. No spreadsheet. Just I see you and you're not crazy for feeling that way.

And hugged, well, that's the one. Sometimes we forget exist. Hug means they don't need words at all. They need presence. They need you to put the phone down, look them in the eye and just be near them. sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer a hurting person is your full attention and your closed mouth. For I'm honest, I recently had a friend share some things with me and weeks later, it came out that

he just didn't feel hurt. You know, he felt he evaluated. And that's on me. Yeah, that, that's on me. And sometimes, you know, when people are sharing, like, you almost feel like it's a little bit of a press conference, little bit, you know, like, they're sharing and then they're handing you the mic like, go. You're like, uh, uh, what, what, what? And instead of asking a couple more questions of like, hey, what do you need for me right now? And like allowing even more vulnerability into the chat a little

bit, like we just sometimes go to our default help mode. And I think in those moments, I think both sides have a job. Like if you're the listener, I think, I think your job is to stop guessing. I think we're getting this wrong because we're so eager to help that we skip the most important conversation. Counselors who do this for a living will tell you, like the single best move is just to ask. Like, do you want my advice or do you need to just vent? Are you looking for a solution or do you just want me to listen?

Like, just a few words could save the entire conversation. And I think leading with our heart before leading with help is massive. You know, confirming and validating before we spit out our advice, I think is going to give us so much more relational equity in that conversation. But I think if we really drill down on the truth about why we jump to fixing, if we're really honest, it's not always for them. Sometimes it's for us. Watching someone we love hurt makes us feel helpless. In solving the problem makes the helpless feeling go away,

so we sometimes fix to soothe ourselves. In real attunement means sitting in that discomfort just long enough to find out what they actually need. And so fixing isn't always as noble as we think it is. And I think we have to be aware of that, but it's not all on the listener. Like if you're the one sharing, I think you've got a job too.

And it's this, say what you need. Because here's the trap so many of us fall into. We carry a silent expectation. Yeah, and that expectation is, I'm going to share something with you, and now I need this person to save me, agree with me, read my mind. And we never actually say these things out loud, and then we can hold them accountable for failing a test.

They didn't even know they were taken. And that's not fair. To them or to you. So I think the healthiest thing we can do is to name it. Hey, I don't need you to fix this. I just need you to listen. And that one sentence changes the entire dynamic of the conversation. you just handed the person who loves you a map.

And now they can actually show up for you instead of stumbling around in the dark, hoping that they guess right because nobody can read your mind, nobody can read mine, and the people who love us the most are usually the ones trying the hardest to get it right and feeling the worst when they get it wrong.

And so I think we should meet in the middle. The listener gets better, at reading and asking and the sharer gets braver about naming. And that silent gap where so much resentment grows, it just closes. So yeah, I think this idea of, hey, do you want to be helped? Do you want to be heard? Or do you want to be hugged? I think it can add tremendous value to the relationships that matter the most.

I want you to try something this week. The next time someone opens up to you before you say a single word, ask yourself which one do they need. And if you're not sure, ask them. And the next time you're the one carrying something heavy, do the hard, brave thing. Tell the people who love you what you could actually need from them.

Because most of the time, people aren't asking us to be brilliant. And not asking us to have the perfect answer or the Ryan League special, which is always a five-step plan. They're just asking us to show up. And sometimes they need to be helped.

Sometimes they need to be hurt. And sometimes they just need to be hugged. My friend, thank you so much for listening to the Rionleck podcast. If today's episode added value to your life, I would encourage you to share it with a friend. And hey, if you can't, could you rate, review, and subscribe. Your support for this podcast helps us reach even more people with these short and sweet nuggets of inspiration.

Thanks for being a part of the journey. We'll catch you next time.