The Ryan Leak Podcast - What Friends Are For

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Today's episode is tackling chapter 9 from Chasing Failure: Friends, Don't Fail Me Now. One of the underrated components of accomplishing goals is involving others to hold you accountable. Join the conversation with Lacey Stenson and Ryan Leak as they unpack what it means to support others in their failures. You can also get your copy of Chasing Failure at ryanleak.com. If you'd like to receive encouragement from Ryan every single week, text "Followership" to 469-809-1201.

In today's episode, Lacey and I will be talking about chapter nine from my book, chasing failure. That's entitled, Friends Don't Fail Me Now. This is all about accountability and how you share some of your goals with other people in an effort to keep you moving forward. So go ahead and check out this conversation we had about chapter nine. Lacey, we're back. Awesome. And we're talking about chapter nine. friends don't fail me now.

This is the chapter that is all about accountability, which is one of the pillars of my executive coaching practice. I found that so many people get to a place of plateauing in their career, and they get to a place where they don't have anybody in their corner keeping them accountable. That's actually how I got into executive coaching was coming alongside a couple of people that just said, hey, can you just be in my corner and just hold me accountable? And I could easily go into my office, do my job, and no one's going to ask me any questions, and I'll just pay me the rest of my life.

But I don't really feel challenged to take things to a new level. And so I think that this chapter is very, very important for somebody's life and career. Yeah, I think it happens kind of, you're going to divide your career into like three, you know, into thirds. I think it's entering to your second third of your career or I think there's a book called like the Second Mountain or something that talks about that season of life. But it's almost the fall of pride a little bit is what you're saying, right? is you get so good that they start to ignore you a little bit, which is a little bit nice in the beginning because you're so exhausted from proving and performing and presenting

and waiting your time. But you're absolutely right. There's this season where you're now in the corner, nobody cares what time you come in, what time you come out. You've also reached a level of authority where people stop giving you feedback because some are scared of you or others just assume what you're doing is the right way to go. So I'm excited today to talk about how you think about pride and also the type of accountability that you provide others.

I think also today we'll talk about shared goals if we can, Ryan. I think that's something I've seen you do is talk about how to share your goals with others and how to hold others accountable or how to speak to other's goals next time you kind of see them. So let's dive in. One thing I think you do better than others is starting goals that are small but attainable. but you also, every time I see you, you walk me through what's on your plate for this year or this month. Anytime you and I are catching up,

you always tell me what you've got going on. So walk me through the philosophy of that. You're so quick to share others big and small goals and why do you do that? I think it's important that when you share your goals out loud, I think it creates an inherent accountability because if you tell people,

you're going to do something, that's naturally what they're going to remember you for. And so if I tell someone, hey, I'm working on a book, then the next time they see me, they're going to be like, hey, how's your book going? That's right.

You know, I remember when I was telling people that I was going to do this documentary, chasing failure, I talked about it, told people, about it for almost two years before it ever came out. Because I want to say we recorded the Queen Latifah show in November of one year. I didn't meet Kobe until February, like four months later. I didn't try out for the Phoenix Suns until the following September.

I didn't release the documentary until 14, 15 months after that, in December of 2016, I want to say. And so throughout all of that time, from the time, I mean, I told Kobe for crying out loud, hey, I'm going to be, I'm going to be doing this documentary. He's like, yeah, yeah, send it to him. I'm like, oh, crap. Now I actually, now I actually need to do this because people are expecting something from you. And so I was speaking at different places and telling the story. And at the end, I would be like, guys, I can't wait for you to see this documentary.

Knowing full well, it was not even close to being done. In fact, I was embarrassed. I didn't even want it to come out. I considered hiding it, burning. It's a terrible idea. But because I told so many people privately and publicly about my goal, every lunch, hey, man, did you try out for the Mavericks? Nope, I haven't actually tried out for anybody.

But you said you was doing that. Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it. I'm working. And at one point, I got sick of telling that story. And sometimes, until you get fed up with where you are, it's hard to move forward to where you want to go. And I got sick of telling that story of like, yeah, I'm working on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's going to be this thing in the future. But it's just like, no, dude, like, when are you going to like, like, do something? You know, and it's like, well, it's hard because, you know, NBA teams don't give workouts to motivational speakers off the street. It's not how it works. They especially don't do it from emails. And it's like, I get it. However, you got to try.

You got to move forward. But the fact that I told so many people, it just puts you in a position of saying, hey, this is who I want to be. So let's just put it in the court of our listeners. Let's just say you go to an employee, a coworker, even your boss. And you say, hey, this year, like, because again, MBA is like way over there. Like who's going to do that, right? Like people do that. So let's make it very practical, okay?

Let's just say, this year you say, I want to be a better listener. I want to be slow to speak I want to be quick to listen like that's just the kind of person that I want to be I realize that like I just I have this tendency to talk a lot

and speak up first and I've just decided I want to be a better listener you tell enough people that you want to be a better listener you're going to find yourself in a meeting and you're going to pipe up

and start talking and they just going to look at you like hey didn't you their face is going to say it. Didn't you say you were going to be a better look? You're going to go, that's right. That is your accountability.

Or you may say, hey, you know what? I want to be super intentional about like paving away for other people in my organization. And so what I'd like to do is I'd like to once a week take somebody who's newer to the organization to lunch. okay okay great well if people start seeing you at lunch and you're smoozing people above you over time people are going to start looking at you going but didn't you say you said something out loud to someone else that isn't actually the true story of what you're doing and so it creates this inherent accountability we talked last episode about this website illustration of you go to go daddy you buy the URL you get an email for that

URL and you've done your research and you do if you tell somebody else that you have a website coming out in July make it up it doesn't matter it doesn't matter I do this all the time I will say, hey, I'm doing this. And then all of a sudden, I don't know why. I would just add one little statement. I'm like, yeah, I'm doing this, this summer. And then it's like, oh, man. And I just gave myself a deadline.

But now people expect it. And they'll ask me about it in the summer. And then I'll get sick of them asking. And then I'll do it. The other side of the coin that I've seen personally, and I've also watched you benefit from, is when you share ideas with people or your goals, you start to get connected with really cool people or, you know, talent or somebody who's done it before.

Or, you know, I was thinking back to a conversation. Actually, you and I were talking maybe a month ago and you and I were talking about a Netflix show that we had both watched. And I was like, Ryan, I'm going to start this organization, that blah, blah, blah, blah. And you were like, oh, you should talk to my friend. He tried that. Did not go well. You know, and I'm like, done. Connected me, right?

And so I think some of it too is being able to learn from others that may be failed or learned something to the process. So walk me through where you've seen that work maybe in your life as well or how often statistically maybe are you seeing sharing goals with others or sharing ideas with others actually be a positive as well. Oh, every day. Because if we're going back to the website illustration, once again, you may have no earthly idea how to create a website. That's okay. Yeah. somebody in your network does, it may be a cousin,

it might be a college roommate, it may not, I mean, always ask to see a portfolio of their work before you go pay somebody or, you know, get your cousin to do it. However,

the more you talk about some of these things and involve other people, you'd be surprised who in your network is a photographer, is a graphic designer, is a, and again, you've got to do the homework that cannot be underestimated. But this is what I hope people walk away with from this particular episode. If you are the only person in your dream, if you are the only person a part of your future goals,

your goals and your dreams are too small, period. You're just too small. And most of us, when we think about our future, we only think about us in that future. Well, who else is in that picture? Are your kids in that picture? Do you see yourself adding value to your community? Do you see yourself adding value to your organization?

When most people think about a promotion, the first thing they think about is how much more money they'll make or how much more power they'll have or how much influence they'll have. But in our dreams, in our goals, I think there needs to be a sense of going, okay, who else is a part of this? I cannot do it alone.

the idea that that I'm going to be self-made is pretty ridiculous to me any person who's ever made that statement or any person that has been hailed, if you will, as self-made. It's just not true. It's not even close to true.

First off, every single one of them had a mom. There's no question about that. Every single one of them right away. I know some high school dropouts. I don't know any elementary dropouts. So you had teachers. You had an assistant. You had a suit.

You had a dress. I don't know any third grade dropouts that literally sold their own suit. And even if they did, they still had to go get the machinery. Somebody in their life helped them. Yeah. on some level or another. Nobody got where they are on their own. I put myself through college.

Yeah, but you still had a professor. You still had somebody along the way that got you there. So it's like, you're saying, I put myself through college. It's like, what do you mean you put yourself through college? Yeah, I work two jobs to do so. Yeah, well, somebody gave you a job.

It could have been, you could have been working at Walmart. Well, guess what? Walmart helped you get through college. And so I think for some of us, we want this hero story. It's just, that's just not true. It just on some level, we have to dream bigger to say, hey, you know what? I want other people involved. This isn't all on me. This isn't just me, myself, and I.

I want to make sure that my goals essentially impact other people. I was doing a keynote for a pharmaceutical company the other day, and we were talking about goals. And one of the things I challenged this company to do is I said, I want you to think about how you can help someone else pull off their goals this year. just so contrary to the competitive corporate culture that a lot of people work in. But I just said in light of the person you want to become, think about others and how they might be involved in your goals and how you might be involved in theirs. essentially the way that this industry, and I say this industry, the goals industry, if you will,

the dreaming industry works. We're always the hero story. We're always the main star. But I believe every single superstar needs an assistant. And sometimes someone has to raise their hand and say, I'll help someone else take off. Yeah. I'll help someone else build a company.

You've done that for years. Right. I mean, I think about how many phone calls you've made for me to say, man, I want Ryan to succeed. So if our lives are a movie, at the end of that movie, there are some credits. You would be a person that said, oh, yeah, Lacey's Matt.

I tell people about that all the time. Like, dude, man, only the last. year, dude, you've blown up, man, you're doing this. You spoke for them, man, this is awesome. I'm like, guys, I wish I could tell you, like, I worked harder. I wish I could, I was already working hard before I met Lacey. But Lacey made some phone calls that have amplified the hard work I had already been doing. So I am honoring the, the introductions by continuing to show up and give my best. But I'm not working any harder that I've always been.

But it's, but some people have to have that kind of mindset that says, looking at the resources that I have, and how can I have value to somebody else's life? Yeah, and I think we like really drop the ball as a society or as educators or even leaders trying to teach like 20-something how to do business development because we call it that doing business development right and we almost paint this picture that it's very transactional

I don't I don't think we talk like this anymore but maybe I'm a little old school like we don't really talk about business cards anymore but I think we really spend almost this generation of folks into the workplace to say look you know if you're going to ask a favor you got to give a favor And really, I think some of the best folks that are just living, really thriving, personal and professional lives, it's so authentic. And it's exactly what you're talking about, which is how do we set out to really help others, how do we connect others, really knowing their story and who might benefit from hearing that story or who might just know a photographer that's just trying out to learn photography. and today you can't afford, you know, the influencer photographer that charges X down the street, but maybe your buddy's buddy, right, can snap some photos and get you started for, you know, pennies on the dollar.

But I love this concept of an opportunity to give assistance to others. And I've also heard you encourage people to do that when they're stuck on their goals, because I think it reminds you, you know, anything's possible. And it gets you kind of out of this funk of what other people are in or when you're in a funk because you can't get passed. past today. Yeah, for sure. Let's talk about when you meet up with people

and their dream is dead, right? Ryan, how's the book? I'm not writing it anymore. But walk me through. I mean, you are. Yours is coming out of this, I'm excited. But walk me through both sides of that. When have you, you know, had to tell somebody

the dream is dead? We moved in a different direction. And what do you say when you ask somebody, hey, Lay's, how's the company that you started or, you know, how's the nonprofit that you wanted to start? and I tell you that it's dead in the water. Walk us through what that conversation looks like. Ooh, those are tough conversations because you don't want to, you know,

make a call that's not yours to make. But at the same time, if someone is bringing me something that is so far outside of their capability, or if I discern that their motives for wanting to do it. Like whenever someone tells me something that they want to accomplish, you know, I was sometimes just respond, well, why? Well, why? Well, Ryan, because we make a lot more money. Okay.

What do you need more money for? If you have more money, what are you going to do? it more money. Just tell me what it is. Do you want a new car? You want a boat, you're a yacht. What do you need more money for? Or what do you want more money for? It's not a bad answer here. I just want you to say it out wow, like why you want to do this. What is it that you, what's funny is when you go through this process, a lot of people actually figure out the things that they want in the future they could have now. They just haven't given themselves permission to do so. It's like, hey, you're, you're paying for car right now. It's like, if you want another one,

you actually could go get another one if you really want to. So sometimes I think asking, asking why is very, very important that a person's goals or aspirations have a why that they think is compelling enough to get out of bed. So sometimes it's a, I'll take people through a process of just, sometimes I play devil's advocate. Sometimes I play cheerleader. It just depends.

It depends on where they're at in it. Again, I'm the, hey, go start a nonprofit. Go start a company. Go try something. and who knows what you'll land on. A book I wrote a long time ago is called Unoffendable. And I wrote two versions of it. Most people don't even know that.

So I wrote a Christian version that's got like Bible verses and it's walking a person through how to be unoffendable through a biblical lens. Well, then I wrote another one because a client said, hey, we actually can't give this book to our employees, but we really want them to be less offendable, you know? They're like, this is a Fortune 500 company. They're like, this is actually our biggest problem.

Like, we need your help to solve it because, but we can't, we just can't sell this book. And I said, well, what if I, what if I wrote a business edition of it? Would you do that? I go, yeah, I'll write a business edition of it, print it in like an invert. So my unoffendable book is read. I printed this one white with red lettering and we just printed for that company. Well, they went to some other events

and we're sharing shared resources and they're like, you got to get this book unoffendable. And they're like, we can't find it anywhere. And I'm like, guys, I printed that just for you. It doesn't exist anywhere. Like, it's literally, I have them in my closet. If you want them, I'm happy to send them to you

because I need space anyways. And so what's funny is, is I landed on that title writing another book that never released. I was writing a book called Who's My Neighbor? And in the process of writing that book, I stumbled on this word unoffendable. And I was like, I actually think that should be the book. I was halfway through another book when I landed on the actual book. And so I'm just a fan of just like, hey, you go for something. And you never know what you're, what you're going to bump into.

And so sometimes I think showing up for a friend is saying, hey, sometimes you need to keep going. Sometimes being a friend is saying, hey, man, you might want to slow down. I don't know that this might be costing you more than what you can gain in the future. And so you want to just. be able to, I think, count the cost and know when is something that's like, hey, this, this, this isn't going to work. Someone else has tried it and they have failed many times. That may be a sign that you shouldn't try it or that may be a sign that you should study why they fail. Yeah. And, you know, overcoming it. And so, so I think that each and every one of those

conversations can be a little bit different. So, well, I know we've just got a couple minutes here, but the title is called Friends, Don't Fail Me Now. Can you end us on what happens when your friend's failure or when you fail your friend, how you think about owning your mistakes? When you fail a friend or when a friend fails you, could be the greatest test that friendship will ever have. And there are,

moments when you fail a friend or a friend fails you and your natural inclination is to just cut them off. It's to just say, all right, I'm done with you. We spent 10 years building trust and you just lost it in a moment. I think we have to be, I sit with so many teams that have, you have, that life experiences have taught them that they can't trust anybody. There's lots of trust.

I don't trust, no, I don't trust, no, I don't trust me about, I don't trust me, and I don't trust in by, I don't trust me by, and I don't trust in a lot of people have broken their trust, and I get that. I do wonder if that's a great way to live. I just, I wonder. I'm not saying it is or isn't I respect.

I just, I, I'm more of a benefit of the doubt. type of person. I don't live with the sense that someone is lurking around the corner to try and take advantage of me. I just

don't live like that. I don't. That's just not, that's just not my, I guess, my personality or whatnot. But I do think that if you do find yourself having lots of trust issues, I think it's, it would behoove you. I don't

know where that word came from, but I think it would behoove you to ask yourself, is that how I want to live the rest of my life? Not trusting people. In making people jump through hoops to be close to me. So I think when

you're a flawed human, those are the only options, by the way. I think when you fail somebody else, I think you just own it. You just take it on the chin. You just take the L. You just, hey, that's my bad.

Hey, I just do everything in your power to fight the ego that says, I was right. You were wrong. I think it's so important that if you let someone down, I think it's easier to stay friends with somebody that can own their mistakes. Yeah. than someone that is so arrogant that they think that everything that they touch turns to gold

but they can't apologize, they can't see it from somebody else's perspective. And so I think what softens the blow of a failure is the person and the character and the integrity. And I can't tell you how many, I can literally make a podcast on just, mistakes I've made with clients. Literally, I can do this all day.

I have a story every single week. I'm like, you do, actually. What is wrong with you? Well, I believe what, why my clients continue to give me future opportunities is because of who I am. And like, I didn't try and hide it. I didn't try and sneak. I didn't try and place the blind. I think that they, I think my clients trust my character.

I think that they trust who I've been and that I'm giving my very best. And it's amazing how people will forgive you when you own something. And it's amazing how much bitterness that'll hold on to if you don't. Yeah. Sometimes it's the only chance at forgiveness. Oh my goodness. And so, and again, there's so many differences. out there where it was like, no, someone broke their trust and you failed and there was

like evil intent and it was bad and, you know, I get all of that. At some point, you got to look at your part and go, okay, is that a person or is that everybody? And am I going to, am I going to give somebody else that much power over my life? I mean, sometimes I just look at somebody that is just so mad. They're just so bitter. And I just go, what happened? And they tell me what happened. And what happened was egregious.

It was. It was egregious. And I just think, okay, how many, it's not any less painful. However, the average person in the world, I think, has 350. Let's just say Facebook friends. How many of the 350?

have done something egregious to you. Yeah. Less than 1%, maybe two, if you just got some volatile friends, but you can't make the 98% pay for what the 2% did. Ironically,

and we can end with this story. Ironically, I was watching an interview Mike Tyson the other day. Mike Tyson. of all people. Okay, Mike Tyson, a man who bit off another man's ear for crying out loud.

Say Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson, okay? I was talking to a younger guy and a younger guy was like, somebody does me wrong, I cut you off for life. And Mike Tyson, in a very like fatherly,

like mentoring type of way, he just looked at him and he says, well, then he won. And the young guy's like, what do you mean? He's like, yeah, well, he's now your master. He controls you. He's taking you so far out of your character.

Now you're who he wants you to be. And I'm just sitting there thinking like, how much power have we given to somebody else's posts? How much power have we given to somebody else's actions? that we've allowed it to change our character. I just kind of little with this model. I'm just going, hey, here's a deal. You can be whoever you want to be.

That's fine. But I refuse to allow who you are to get me so far out of character that I stop being who I'm supposed to be. I can't control how my neighbors, act and live and I can't control how my other coworkers, how they act and live, but I don't ever want that to keep me from being who I know I'm called to be. So I think that I think it's very important that people just keep that in perspective a little bit. And so I think anytime you involve people, you're going to involve somebody that's flawed. However, I think it's very important

that you remember you're one of those flawed humans and the more we can own our mistakes and give grace to other people when they make them against us. Yeah. I just think it's a way to live. It's cutting, because essentially what I see happening

and I could be on a soapbox right now, but that's okay because it's a podcast. Essentially what I see happening is, I see people getting mad, or bitter, not at one person, but at the world because of what one person did. And this is like, this is how the world treats you. The world, no, you're three people at your job. That is not how the world is treating you.

And I just, I think when somebody lets you down, just be very careful of the, of the worldview you attain. that you grab a hold to from what was one instance or even a couple of instances. You know, hey, this has happened at this company. I worked at this job and it happened again. And then it happened. Well, this just must be how the world works. I would be very careful of that story and how you tell it because the stories we tell ourselves really impact how we live.

And so looking at those instances and just going, hey, I don't, I don't, I refuse to let old relationships keep me from nurturing new ones. I think that's something that someone definitely needs to hear today. So good. Always so good, Ryan. Thank you so much. Hey, thanks for joining us today on followership with Ryan Lee. I would love to keep you encouraged each and every week. And I actually have a group of people that I text weekly to keep them inspired and motivated.

If you want to be a part of that community, text the word podcast to 469-809-1-201. Again, text the word podcast to 469-809-1201. And this will put my contact information directly in your phone and you will start getting a weekly encouraging text for me. if today's episode added any value to your life. I would ask you to do me a favor and leave a comment, share with a friend, and don't forget to subscribe.