The Ryan Leak Podcast - Who Is They?

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

We're back after a long hiatus unpacking Ryan Leak's book Chasing Failure. Today's episode is tackling chapter 7 entitled 50 Shades of They. When it comes to failure, we all have somebody we believe is watching that we don't want to fail in front of. So how do you overcome that? Join the conversation with Lacey Stenson and Ryan Leak to learn more. You can also get your copy of Chasing Failure at ryanleak.com. If you'd like to receive encouragement from Ryan every single week, text "Followership" to 469-809-1201. 

Welcome to followership with Ryan Leak. It's a podcast that is designed to look at the other side of leadership. And that's following. Ladies and gentlemen, I very much realize we've been on a six-month hiatus. And that is because I've been insanely busy. My speaking and coaching business has grown immensely. My wife wrote a children's diversity book called Jackson in the not-so-colorful day. you should each go by 100. I've actually been working on a new book that comes out in December.

We'll give you a little teaser on that in a few episodes. We're working on courses and coming up with all sorts of content that I believe it's going to add value to your career and ultimately your life. So my good friend Lacey and I are picking up right back where we left off in December unpacking my book Chasing Failure. Today's episode is all about Chapter 7. 50 shades of they. I think we all have this proverbial they,

this group of people, these naysayers, the peanut gallery, if you will, that we think of, whenever we think about getting outside of our comfort zone, whenever we think about taking a risk, we tend to think about the criticism that will come with it from the they. So go ahead and check out this conversation

that me and Lacey had about chapter. Here, seven. Fifty shades of they. You're always so good with your titles. I think that's the best part. They stick in your mind. But let's talk about they. Who are they?

I know you've done a lot of coaching, both athletes and executives and followers. But in your experience, who's the big bad monster that we're talking about here as we refer to them as they? I think the heart and soul of this chapter is sometimes the day is so they always love pausing and saying who is your they.

When you use those words, they have great meaning. Because there is a they. It's just important that we name them. Because what can happen is if you don't name them, you might make the mistake of believing three people's opinion is everybody's opinion. Because it feels like everyone,

like if you hear the same thing three times in a day, like, man, people, this is, and it feels like it's this growing thing, but I think it, for us, it's good to step back and ask the question, who is, who is they? And I think as, as we talk about what it means to be the best employee that we possibly can be in our organization, regardless if our leader is awesome, mediocre or terrible, the fun part about they, is most people actually tell stories about their organization, one coworker experience at a time. Think about it. Culture is built, one coworker experience at a time.

So you start working somewhere and you make a mistake and somebody sends an email to you that says, hey, hey, don't worry about it. I did the same thing. Hey, you'll get it. You'll get it the next time. That person will walk away and say, man, you know what? People are really nice. Yeah.

That may or may not be true. But that is the beauty of what you are in control of. So regardless, if you have this amazing leader or not, you get to be the one coworker experience that they have. So I get to do a lot of diversity, equity, and inclusion training and speaking. And I talk about this all the time. I'm going, hey, you're president, your CEO,

your leadership team, your executive team, maybe they're woke, maybe they're racist, maybe they're just ignorant. I don't know where they are on the scale of being politically correct in the race, diversity, equity, and inclusion conversation. But realize that someone in your organization that may be a minority of any kind, belief system, race, gender, any minority of any kind in that organization is going to come to a conclusion about the organization one coworker experience at a time, which means we have a lot of power to be inclusive, to be forgiving, to be kind, to be considerate because someone is telling

the story of your organization with their experience with you. if you get one mean email and one kind email, what is true of the organization? Well, it just depends on how you're defining vague. And so realize that every single person is a part of somebody else's bet. And you should take great responsibility in that and go, you know what? I want to give, I want to give my best today. And I want to treat people the way that I would want to be treated because I realized that part of their experience working here, that story is being told one email, phone call, meeting, Zoom at a time. And if I'm a part of it, I want to make sure that they have a good experience.

Isn't that wild? We think so often of like the people experience role or a people officer role, but not a lot of organizations have formalized or codified what you're calling a coworker experience ambassador. I just think it would revolutionize the culture, because especially in smaller organizations, what you just said is 100% correct. If you're an employee in a small organization and the frequency by which you, you know,

email Becky and media every day, that's really your culture, right? It's really what you're saying, which is the employee experience, every single email or the level of engagement in the meeting. Talk to me a little bit about how you coach people through recognizing these very, I've heard you put they into different categories.

So we have a category where it's very formal. There's some level of authority. It's your boss, maybe your parents. And then there's almost this informal group. How are you coaching people or how do you help people get an awareness to then categorize the day and respond maybe a little different between formal and informal kind of days in their life? Well, most people in organizations are following somebody.

they're underneath someone in the organizational chart, if you will. And so part of that is you're going to be receiving feedback, or at least you should be receiving some sort of feedback on your performance and how you're doing in your job. And how you receive that is going to determine a lot of the trajectory of your career. The question that I would be asking each person, in this category of people who they're giving you feedback, you really don't have a choice but to get it.

What you do is up to you. But are you coachable? Are you coachable? I can't tell you how many people who have either A, lost their jobs or B, weren't considered for promotion because they weren't coachable. And so part of receiving. receiving criticism or feedback. And one of the things that I coach people to do is take notes.

What it does is it shows the other person that you truly respect what they're saying and that you value it. It may not even be something you agree with or even change. But in the moment, you're at least, you've got a notepad out, you've got your iPad out. You're taking notes on their feedback that they're giving you. And again, you're not always in a position to dictate that kind of feedback if you have submitted under someone or that's just a part of your job.

I think the other category we're referring to, which is a little bit more informal, is actually soliciting feedback from a people that we love and trust, or perhaps it's someone that's on the same level as you in the organization, and you're going to them and saying, hey, can you give me some feedback? That's on you. What I've learned is if you go solicit feedback enough throughout your year, when you get unsolicited feedback, it's a small percentage of all the feedback you've gotten all year, and it can either reaffirm or so let's say you're soliciting feedback,

feedback January through June. And let's say you have a review at your boss in July. They go, hey, here's some things that I think you can work on. How awesome would it be if you were able to look at your boss and go, yeah, I was actually just talking to Tony about that a couple of weeks ago. I asked him, and is there something that I could be doing better? And he mentioned that. Hey, thanks for sharing that.

Do you hear the difference in just the tone of the conversation versus sitting back, arms crossed, body language of saying, can't nobody tell me nothing? Well, no, actually somebody can tell you something and somebody can help you if you give them the opportunity to do so. So I think it's important that you have a group of people that you are soliciting feedback from, that you're getting input from,

and it's going to soften the blow of unsolicited feedback or feedback that you don't really have any control over because that's just the nature of your job. I guess absolutely right. When I used to manage large teams, I felt like most of the conversations I was having around performance were actually conversations about perception problems. Because very few could actually speak to the technical side of your work product, right?

Most of the people around you are speaking to the perception of how you're showing up, how prepared you were everything you're talking about, your attitude, your ability to be coachable, to listen, to engage. And so I think the informal feedback that you can get from those around you is actually sometimes more valuable than the direct feedback you can maybe get from somebody like a boss or somebody who's more technical and saying, you know, here's the skill set you want to grow. And I've heard you say this before.

You know, are you looking for feedback on skill set or feedback on absolute? We're looking for feedback on personality, but at the same time, it's really kind of sometimes perception as well. Talk to me about this concept of a life committee. I'm familiar with a personal board of the director, but I'd love to hear how you came into that concept, you know, what you found as a benefit of having a life committee. And is this a tool that you would recommend today? And who do you normally recommend it to? Well, my life committee is simply a group of dudes. going to college with, we have made up the dumbest rules ever for, and we call them

committee bylaws. And we literally make up new ones like every month. Okay. It's just three other guys who I just consider some of my best friends that, you know, as we have different challenges in our life challenges in our families and raising kids and, career transitions and all of that stuff, these are people that you're giving a voice. You're giving a vote in your life. Brunee Brown talks about having a square squad. It's similar.

The square squad is she encourages people to take out a one inch by one inch white note card, if you will, and write down the names of the people that get a vote in your life. And she says, if they can't fit on the card, then they don't get a vote. And it's kind of funny because I've actually had people do this. And some of the people that they write down, their names are really long. And so it's like, hey, don't put them on there because they're going to fake up so much space. You only got one inch, bro.

And so it's like, you know, I guess I got some friends with some friends with some. very long names. I'm like, hey, I'm going to put your initials on it. We know who you are. So if that, they're essentially my square squad. Like they, they get a vote. And I would say there are a couple of others that wouldn't be in that group that I also would consider a part of, of my square squad slash life committee where, you know, yesterday I was invited to a, a, kind of an exclusive influencers gathering, if you will.

Sure. And I just, I actually sent it to somebody who I would consider to be in my life committee. And I just said, hey, you think I should go? Like I step aside from,

you know, oh, I could take a picture with this person. I step aside, I step aside from all of that, okay? I don't really care about that stuff. Like you just, you back away from that.

And you just, you go to a trusted friend and just go, hey, does this, you think this could add value to my life? Do you think it's worth adding another thing to my calendar? You know, there's pros and cons,

but you just get an outside perspective of saying, hey, you know, they get a vote. If I posted on Instagram right now, the event and who's invited to it, everyone would say, you have to go. There was some going to, actually, I don't have to do it.

And again, there's nothing wrong with the event, but again, the live committee, the people I've given a voice to are past that. There is no amount of failure or success. is going to change the relationships that I have in my life community. They could care less about what I do or don't do or who I meet or who I don't need or who I don't need or what I get paid or what I don't get paid or how many books. They don't care. You need people like them. You need people in your life who are going to be with you, mountain top experience, valley,

experiences, ups, downs, highs, lows, pandemic, no pandemic. Doesn't matter who's president. Like, you need some people in your life that are going to help you through just making some life decisions. And so, and they reach out to me just as much on, hey, I'm thinking about this. I'm processing this or that. And so we've given each other permission to speak into some things. One of my live committee members,

I got done speaking at an event, and I did horrible. Oh, it was awful. It was awful, Lacey. Awful. I think, I want to say, I was supposed to speak 30 minutes and I thought I had done 30.

I had done 15. It was like mid-pandemic where it was like I was doing shorter. I just biffed it, you know? I just did. I had to own it. And I called him after and he goes, why were you even there? I was like, because I've told him, I will be he goes, but yeah, that's the problem, right?

He should have never, you should have never signed up for that event. And I'm like, you're right. I mean, he just helps me process and things. So I think it's important that you, you nurture those relationships. Those relationships are, you know, 10 to 12 years old. So it takes time. So don't put those expectations on any new relationships. That has to be built over time, one moment at a time, one challenge at a time.

You've got to build trust. You know, it can take years to build trust. It can take a moment to lose it. And so I think you've just got to go through those years with people. And all you can control is how you show up for others. You can't control how others show up for you. And so as you go through your career in life, I think the more you continue to show up for people,

it will become clear who is willing to show up for you as well. Yeah, not so true. You know, I think our audience is so much in the followership space. I think one of the biggest tools I learned, probably in my young 30s, was I started, because I was fortunate enough to sit so close to a lot of CEOs throughout my career in my 20s and my 30s, but I had a front row seat watching CEOs use their board of directors.

And I watched a lot of bad CEOs use their board in the wrong direction. And the CEOs I watch lead really well were really intentional about who sat on their board. And I think it comes down to this life committee concept of, especially as a follower, you're not going to have a board of directors if they're clearly not the CEO, right, or on the leadership team. But you do get a choice to decide to your point who's speaking into your life. And I learned early on,

you're never going to find one person who reflects everything you're trying to become. Their greatest potential is never going to be in this one person who happens to be, you know, the best, you know, female engineer, mom of two, you know, somewhere in Sacramento. It's very hard to find this one human that's going to be able to speak into all of the things that you want to grow in potential.

But early on, I think this life committee concept, it really allows you to almost find who is the best parent in your life, male and or female, that allows you to have somebody that's saying, let's just talk about parenting today once a month. Let's set in goals and accountability as to how do you be a better parent. And you find somebody who's going to mentor you in engineering, you know, to really speak to that area of your life.

But I love this concept that you're talking about of being with you through the highest the lows because I think it's in that trust that you learn both ways to listen to each other. Well, Ryan, we're about to run out of time. Can you end us on a note? I love in your book how you talk about being your own work critic. And the reason why I love it is you actually take a different stance than authors and speakers I've personally seen who, you know, really say like, let's pay attention to our self-talk, but you talk about it in a very different way. Can you tell us why you actually don't believe we should be our own? one word critic?

Yeah, you know, I think you know, part of it is I think we already have so many competing voices against us. I don't think that ours should be the loudest.

Like, let somebody else be that. And I also don't believe in being your own biggest fan. I think that you're almost put in this position of either I've got to be overconfident or insecure. I actually think that there is a middle ground that is a pretty true story of somewhere in the middle. Am I the absolute best at my job or am I the worst at my job? I don't get why those are only two options.

What about, hey, I actually gave my best today. I don't know where it lands. I don't know if it's goat status. I don't know if it's viral. I don't know if it's bookworthy. I don't know. I don't know if I should be running the company instead. I don't think it's that serious.

What about, hey, this week, and I'm, what's my tail off? And I'm going to live with the results of knowing I gave my very best. It may not be the best, but hey, I did my very best. And I sleep pretty well at night knowing that I gave my best to that day. Try to show off my family, tried to show up for my clients, try to write well, create well, treat people well and I don't always get everything done

that I wish I had in there are days where it feels like I failed but at the same time my goal was to give my best so I may not have gotten a project done in the time that I wanted to or even in a time that it's client wanted me to but I would hope that my clients

and the people in my life would know like I'm doing my very best and you know push coming to shove if then I'm going to if I make a mistake I'm going to own it I'm going to apologize

and I'm going to rebound and keep going to go And so I think part of our self-taught and being our own worst critic, it's like, well, I don't know that that's healthy for us. I also don't think being our own biggest fan is healthy for us either. I think the reality is it's somewhere in the middle of, the middle that you actually can control,

that you can give good energy to. Hey, thanks for joining us today on followership with Ryan Lee. I would love to keep you encouraged. each and every week. And I actually have a group of people that I text weekly to keep them inspired and motivated. If you want to be a part of that community, text the word podcast to 469-809-1201. Again, text the word podcast to 469-809-1201. And this will put my contact information directly in your phone and you will start getting a weekly encouraging text for me. If today's episode added any value to your life, I would ask you to do me a favor and leave a comment, share with a friend, and don't forget to

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