The Scathing Atheist - 468: Take Me to Your Litter Edition

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

In this week’s episode, we buy the Hillsong church a brand spanking new domain name, Christianity leans all the way in with their "ignorance is strength" motto, and we’ll welcome back the most dangerous Ford since the Oregon Trail. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ Get more information about FreeFlo here: https://www.freeflo.org/ --- Headlines: This insane bullshit Noah talked about in the diatribe: https://www.texasmonthly.com/news-politics/texas-gop-candidate-furries-schools/ Hillsong founder steps aside amid charges of child sex abuse cover up: https://religionnews.com/2022/01/29/brian-houston-steps-aside-as-global-senior-pastor-of-hillsong-as-he-faces-trial-in-australia/ Mississippi mayor withholds library funds unless LGBTQ+ books are purged: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/mississippi-mayor-withholds-library-funds-unless-lgbtq-books-are-purged/ Anti-Vaccine ‘Expert’ Says COVID Vaccines Will Turn People Into ‘Transhumanist Cyborgs’: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/anti-vaccine-expert-sherri-tenpenny-says-covid-19-vaccines-will-turn-people-into-transhumanist-cyborgs/ Greg Locke organizes mass book burning: https://www.newsweek.com/right-wing-pastor-greg-locke-organises-massive-book-burning-1674983 Oklahoma bill would prohibit schools from hiring people who disagree with student religions: http://webserver1.lsb.state.ok.us/cf_pdf/2021-22%20int/sb/SB1470%20int.pdf One Million Moms freaks out about eHarmony commercial: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/01/christians-protesting-commercial-shows-gay-man-eating-peanut-butter-2022/ --- This Week in Misogyny: MI GOP candidate urges rape victims to give “heroic” birth: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/mi-gop-gubernatorial-candidate-urges-rape-victims-to-be-heroic-and-give-birth/

Warning, the profanity in this episode contains adverbs and conjunctions and shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve, Manscaped, and by the new beverage choice for idolaters, Golden Caffeinated Soda, because sometimes you get tired of the king of the juice. And now, The Scathing Atheist. If there's one thing I've learned from listening to The Scathing Atheist, it's that babies are delicious. And that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's February 3rd. And it's Ford Chaplain's Day. Yeah, because why stop a bullet with a Bible when you use the guy who handed it to you? No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Joe Rogan's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The

Skating Atheist. This week's episode, we buy the Hillsong Church a brand spanking new domain name. Christianity leans all the way in with their ignorance is strength motto. And we welcome back the most dangerous Ford since the Oregon Trail. But first, the diatribe. I wish I could access a log that would show me how many hours I've spent since we started this show incredulously googling a story, discarding one credible source after another because the story I'm reading about cannot possibly be true. Now, granted, it doesn't happen as much since the trump era began but because there's only so

many times you can say this is too stupid to be true before you stop believing yourself but it does still happen case in point the high school kitty litter box panic of 2022 so here's how i first became aware of this lucinda still maintains her old Facebook profile under her real name. I gave that up in favor of my No Illusions profile years ago because y'all are so much better than my family and my old friends from high school. But she continues to live this double social media life so that she can keep up with her friends' kids and shit. And of course, she grew up in South Georgia and North Florida. So between those updates on the kids is pretty much just a wall of Fox News paranoia and Trumpian drivel. Now, professionally, this is very useful for us. She stays way more

plugged in than I do to what the batshit crazy Christians are up to, so I have a great barometer of just how fringe some of the shit I read about in the atheist media is, right? It's also why it caught me all the way off guard when she said, have you heard this nonsense about the kitty litter boxes in high schools? And then I spent the next 90 minutes furiously Googling more information and then asking Google how sure it was that the onion hadn't changed its name to Texas Monthly. But it hadn't. Turned out they hadn't changed their name to Right Wing Watch or Reuters either. This shit was true. So here's what those ridiculous idiots are afraid of now. According to multiple sources, including congressional candidates, we'll get to it.

Schools in America are now adding kitty litter boxes to the public restrooms for students who identify as cats. Now, that is not real, right? Schools are not doing that, and even the most casual of Googles will confirm as much. All it takes is high school kitty litter to bring up multiple reputable sites and USA Today refuting this asinine claim. But of course, fact-checking isn't a strong suit for the MAGA crowd, course fact checking isn't a strong suit for the MAGA crowd so Lucinda had multiple gullible ass conservative Facebook friends unquestioningly sharing bullshit propaganda sites seriously making this claim now as near as I can tell this all starts with a somewhat careless story from an NBC affiliate in Kentucky the story is about a Louisville grandmother who started a petition to get students at the local school to stop dressing and acting like cats.

A petition that the school superintendent assures parents is as necessary as a petition to get them to stop having like old timey pistol duels or something. But the article doesn't get to that part until the end. eight fucking paragraphs to a completely credulous presentation of the grandma's story, which is that there are students calling themselves furries going to school wearing cat ears, tails, collars, etc. And I'm going to quote the anonymous grandma here who will, quote, hiss at you or scratch you if they don't like something you're doing, end quote. Of course, eventually, the story admits that what really happened is that a few students went to school wearing cat stuff got in trouble for violating the school's dress code and had to stop doing that but because this fits so perfectly into their dumb ass slippery slope argument that

they love to make about trans acceptance it caught fire and now many of the maga influencers are running with it and and to make the story work course, they can't admit that the kids were told to leave their tails and cat ears at home. So it grew into schools accommodating the furries by installing litter boxes in the bathrooms for those students to shit in. The latest claim in the saga is that a school in North Austin is lowering some cafeteria seats so that their furry students can eat directly from a bowl without needing you know utensils they just stick their face in there like a dog or a cat and this claim comes from a tweet by a candidate for a congressional primary down there guess which party this forced her representative of the accused school to put out this amazing statement where she points out that

the like the seats of their cafeteria can't even be lowered. Now, when asked what the fuck she was talking about by local reporters, she said no comment, and then apparently still hazy on what that term means, added a comment about how she was just relaying information she'd received from a concerned parent. Now, think about that shit. That's her defense. Her defense is that she just accepted a patently absurd claim that no reasonable adult should even be mentally capable of taking seriously

and then passed it along on social media without checking its veracity the key requirement of a congressional representative of course is to take in information from diverse sources things that you're not an expert on way competing viewpoints and then make decisions through one synthesis of that information admitting that you bought into an onion-esque conspiracy theory and didn't even bother to google it before passing it along is about as disqualifying for congressional office as any non-crime i can think of but unfortunately that doesn't matter when your voting block is entirely made up of people who also shared this

stupid fucking story without a fact check or let me give their stupidity all the benefit that it's due despite doing a fact check of course whenever i marvel over this kind of thing i have to remind myself how much practice these people have being afraid of shit that doesn't exist. Right. I mean, we're talking about people who grew up fearing the rapture and burning in hell for eternity. In many cases, those are the fears they continue to hold. These are the same people that brought us Comet Ping Pong, QAnon, the Satanic Panic, Subliminal Messages and Rock Albums, Bands on Dancing, Witch Trials. And this is inevitable. It's baked in.

In order to belong to their fucking club, you have to promise to fear a non-existent thing above all other things. And at the same time, you have to at least pretend not to be afraid of death, which is one of the few things you should actually be devoting some fear to. Getting fear ass backwards is one of the defining attributes of being a fucking Christian. And let's face it, in both of the aforementioned instances, you can't think about things too hard before coming to the conclusion that you're wrong. So the fact that they're disinclined to fact check their fears seems inevitable as well. Now, obviously, this mindset is fraught with problems. I'm sure you don't need an exhaustive list of why it's bad to fear non-existent shit.

But in addition to the anxiety they manufacture for themselves out of whole cloth and the time they spend tilting at windmills instead of working on real problems, we also have to remind ourselves how easy it is to manipulate frightened people. people. Anybody who lived through 9-11 and saw how quick we were to jettison decorum, morality, and common fucking sense to assuage our fear of terrorism will know that well. But at least terrorism was a concrete thing. At a certain point, we could wake up as a society and realize that the fears that there are terrorists around every corner were unfounded. And to a certain degree, we eventually did. We backed off of at least some of the worst reactionary shit we did in the wake of 9-11. But that can't happen when your fears are imaginary. Imaginary problems

that are conjured into existence without evidence can't get better. I mean, think about it. After thousands of years of war, God is no closer to conquering Satan because the people who are creating the fear

are also the people who are using it and it never stops being useful they're talking about you Jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight of the phosphate group and nitrogen containing base to my five carbon sugar molecule Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to nucleotide the listeners over? That's right, listeners. That was the final clue in our ARG teaching you how to make crystal meth. Hope you enjoyed it.

I think the drug would be acid if he was telling us how to make a drug. There you go. And speaking of illicit drugs, I need a break, so we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Adam and Eve. Hey, podcast listener. One of the great things about being an atheist podcast is we don't have to beat around the bush when it comes to Valentine's

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It's the gift that keeps on giving till your back hurts. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight tonight co-founder of the hillsong mega church and media empire and leading contender for the national title of crock of shit dundee if australia ever gets around to read my fucking emails brian houston has stepped down as the church's leader amid allegations of covering up child sex abuse he's taking this move at the request of both Hillsong's board and their legal counsel, though as near as I can tell, he's going to continue to get paid every bit as much.

And since his wife, the co-founder of the church will continue in her leadership role, I don't really think he's given up a whole hell of a lot of control either. Of course, if symbolic and meaningless lies and half truths about leadership and power bothered his Christian congregation, they wouldn't be a Christian congregation. So a quarter measure appears to be more than enough for them.

Yeah. Also, he looks like Jerry Sandusky's profile photo on LinkedIn. I know there's no such thing as looks like pedophile, but maybe there is. Maybe we check a little harder if there is maybe that. Yeah. He looks like the author's photo for a book called You Need More Money. Well, because he is is he wrote that book he wrote a book called you need more money that's an actual title yeah so the accusation at the heart of this is actually against brian's late father frank houston who died in 2004 he's alleged to have quote indecently assaulted a young male in 1970

end quote which has always struck me as a strange phrasing because it seems to suggest that there's a decent category of assault right i feel like maybe illegal accusations shouldn't give the perpetrator the benefit of euphemism anyway court documents suggest houston the younger knew about this shit all the way back in 1999 and failed to disclose that to police again weird legal phrasing here, quote, without reasonable excuse. Okay. What the fuck would that be? I don't know.

Sorry, the sun was in my eyes, so. Didn't disclose it. See, this is why I own IWillFuckYourDad.com. MyDadWillFuckYou.com. A lot more sinister. Right? A lot more sinister. Yeah.

Eli, you bought my dad will fuck you dot com and forwarded to hillsong church's website didn't you i sure did no i sure did i knew you would yes he did hillsong which is based in sydney but has churches in almost two dozen countries and like 30 in australia alone gained international notoriety through its popular worship bands and of course i'm using popular in the most relative of senses here, but it's been plagued by controversies over the last couple of years. They've been caught bilking government programs meant to help Australia's Aboriginal community. They promoted a dude who pretended to have cancer so he could later be miraculously healed.

They've been accused of cult-like behavior that leads to church volunteers being treated like slave labor. They were accused by a student at one of their Bible colleges of really dragging their fucking feet when she reported a sexual assault, and they repeatedly violated Australia's COVID-19 policies back when Australia was still trying to avoid the pandemic. They're also the church that Justin Bieber and Chris

Pratt belong to, which isn't like technically a scandal, but it kind of should be. Because, like Because how the fuck is he going to sound like Mario? It makes no goddamn sense. He's the worst Chris ever.

Fucking Chris Benoit is a better Chris. I hate him so much. Christopher Columbus, better Chris. Right, yes. Genocidal Chris's are better. There's a guy who does Mario's voice. He's a cartoon. You can do a cartoon with the mario charles martinet guys he's alive he ain't super busy that's a me that's that doesn't take him that long he's got free time anyway get him there are a couple of reasons that it's worth

emphasizing this story that are unrelated to the upcoming mario film the first obviously is that a lot of people seem to think that child sex abuse cover-ups are just kind of a Catholic thing, but the Catholics just keep better records. Yeah. Right? Like, child sex abuse and covering it up is inevitable whenever you put people

in authority over children with no government oversight whatsoever. Yeah, really wish that wasn't a thing, but, yep. We have to operate like it is, because it is. But the second is that it's an important reminder that you know while there are certainly more and less dangerous religious messages they're all dangerous even the fluffy non-denominational inclusive mega church self-help

plus jesus stuff is dangerous as hell because lying to people about how earth works and then claiming authority based on that lie cannot be done harmlessly and the fact that even many atheists seem to think that it can will never cease to amaze me oh and in give me library or give me death well done sir thank you if you ever listen to our show and think was it always like this it feels like it wasn't always like this let me assure you you're not crazy and while this podcast serves as a damn good record of what christians always wanted in recent years they've gotten a hell of a lot more bold about it and we got another reminder of that this week when ridgeland mississippi mayor and man who looks like he's only mayor because golf course groper isn't a thing you can run for.

Gene McGee tried to hold back part of the public library budget this week until they agreed to get rid of all the gay books that offend him. Really? Hey, Gene, how did you know we had a whole bunch of gay books at the library i was i was searching for book comma gay because i hate that it's public safety you are i was what smoke bomb so according to library systems administrator tonja johnson quote he explained his opposition to what he called homosexual materials in the library, that it went against his Christian beliefs and that he would not release the money as long as the materials were there, end quote. And if you're wondering what Gene McGee thinks homosexual

materials in the library are, so is he. Okay. I read three interviews with this guy. Nobody seems to be able to get a clear and definite answer from him. What the gayness of particular pieces of paper are. However, he has concretely objected to a book called the queer Bible, which again, very much according to the sources I read. He obviously thinks is a Bible for gay people and not a collection of essays by queer people about the queer experience oh jesus it's super sad that name's taken though because like this story makes me really want to write a gender swap bible where all the characters are lgbtq and and now i have no idea what to call it i know it's taken maybe the gene mcgee bible yeah there you go so then miss

johnson who if we ever start some kind of like sainthood thing, is a strong contender, by the way. She tried to explain how any of this works. Quote, I explained that we are a public library and we serve the entire community. I told him our collection reflects the diversity of our community. He told me that the library can serve whoever we wanted but that he only serves the great lord above i heard the fucking mayor i feel like there are others so okay here you go here's a solution he walks in every book has been swapped out with a copy of handmaid's tale yeah now the good news is of course there there are ways around this asshole because he's a mayor.

That's not a thing. The library board has already taken this to the board of aldermen who approved the budget in the first place. Basically, the mayor like signs the check as a ceremonial thing, but they don't need him to sign the check. So this is all going to work out fine. And even if it doesn't, the city would stand no chance in an actual lawsuit. So it's not a problem because the library is going to lose funds.

It's a problem because McGee, who has been mayor since 1989 in this town, thinks that he can do that. I love that Tanya Johnson was like, hey, Mayor Gene, the check doesn't turn into a fucking pumpkin without your magical ink wand. So I have them. We're buying so many gay books now for spite. So every activity Tonya schedules for the next 12 years. Next up in headlines,

we have yet another new contender in our ongoing homicidal liar tournament. And her name is Sherry Tenpenny. Rapper named Dimebag bag she is not a rapper by the way not at all and shockingly she's not a cobbler in a dickens novel either no i'm sure it's gonna be one or the other but she is a christian right anti-vaxxer activist who somehow testified before the ohio house of representatives makes me feel a little bit

better about moving honestly yeah then i read about a candidate for Michigan governor saying that pregnant rape victims need to have that baby because it's good optics for Christianity. So maybe New Zealand's next. I don't know. Sorry, I'm getting off track. We learned something new about the COVID vaccine from Sherry Tenpenny last week. It's going to turn people into transhumanist cyborgs. And honestly, I'm fucking psyched about that. That sounds amazing.

But like, yeah, who the fuck is against transhumanism? Like, I mean, if we're giving the shit away for free, right? Like, that would be like somebody opposing vaccination. I got there eventually sorry sorry my bad sorry now i'm just picturing sherry jogging after everyone who has rocket feet now she's just like i love my natural oh sorry i got long covid so many disadvantages right now oh so here's a quick background on sherry tenpen First of all, she's an osteopathic doctor of not epidemiology, which means she's a real doctor, plus she knows about some fake stuff too.

And again, not an epidemiologist. That's very important. Also, she's appeared on Charlie Kirk's podcast. Despite his face thing, she was able to do that. And she's been a speaker at multiple stops on the reawaken america tour that's the lecture circuit of homicidal liars organized by clay clark and he looks he looks like he looks physical appearances it's not important we'll just go right past it honestly no we should just throw away the counter it's not doing anything i didn't paste a picture of

clay clark i don't know why you would mention the kid the counter would not change right now nothing happened nothing or it did it would change it would move if you're counting days where i don't say it's you know what i mean okay moving on just in case there's any remaining confusion about sherry 10 pennies scientific credentials she was mentioned as a source of information in the anti-vax documentary plandemic that we reviewed. But she was only mentioned a little bit. She's on the anti-vaxxer JV squad, is what I'm saying. She also told the aforementioned Ohio

legislature that COVID vaccines would leave you magnetized such that a key would stick to your fucking forehead. And then she did not go on to try to prove that to the people she was talking to yes uh which is such a bummer because her just like right let me push out i don't know maybe she did maybe she did

we don't know so maybe here's what might get sherry ten penny a shot at the varsity team she did an appearance on the stew peters show recently and physical appearances matter so we're going to talk about Stu Peters because he looks like the act of yelling wrist control was a human being somehow. Yeah. He looks like he's never bought a piece of clothing that wasn't described as tactical.

Yeah. So Tenpenny is talking with that guy and she said, quote, the stated goal of the COVID vaccine is to depopulate the planet. Who stated that as the goal? Right. Continuing.

And the ones that are left after that depopulation, the goal is to make them chronically sick or turn them into transhumanist cyborgs that can be manipulated externally by 5G, by magnets, by all sorts of things. Interesting. by 5G, by magnets, by all sorts of things. Interesting. It's a good thing Stu Peters viewers were warned, otherwise they could be easily manipulated. It's a little weird that they're still going with the depopulation theory, right? Because they know they're depopulating

at an awesome rate all by themselves. They're winning. Trying to beat us to it, maybe? You're probably wondering at this point, okay, but what about the phenomenon whereby a pair of particles are generated in such a way that the individual quantum states of each are indefinite until measured

and the act of measuring one determines the result of measuring the other, even when at a distance from each other. From the guttural to another, yeah. Great question about quantum entanglement. The answer is... Menangament. Also, go fuck yourself. She will say the words quantum entanglement,

but it won't be helpful. According to Tenpenny, quote, the whole issue of quantum entanglement and what the shots do in terms of the frequencies and the electronic frequencies that come inside of your body and hook you up to the internet of things the quantum entanglement that happens immediately after you're injected that's the end of that

sentence apparently really continuing you get hooked up to what they're trying to develop it's called the hive mind and they want all of us there as a node well they want the ones that don't die in the genocide the population right at the beginning i guess continuing they want us as an electronic avatar that's an exact replica of us except it's an electronic replica it's not our god-given body that we're born with bucket and all of that will be running through the metaverse okay they're talking about all of these things are real stew all of them it's not some science fiction thing happening out in the future.

It's happening right now in real time. End exact quote. Okay, so Sherry, there are a lot of things that you legitimately have to worry about, especially since you're not vaccinated against many of them. But nobody's coming for your mind.

Okay. Okay, sorry. Speak for yourself, Noah. Sherry Tenpenny's consciousness forever drowning in a vat of urine is how the metaverse gets my dollar. Sure. Yeah. I'm in for a dollar, too.

Ed, apparently everything I just mentioned was part of her testimony for the Ohio House. That was last spring, I believe. Jesus. She actually started this whole rant I just mentioned by saying everyone made fun of me for being a crazy person when I testified in Columbus, Ohio. But this is real

what I'm about to say. So to be clear, she's too crazy for the Republican Party of Ohio. Not great. Bottom line, here's the big takeaway. It's time to buy some IOTA coin and hodl that shit the iot in iota coin stands for internet of things and agent smith and the hentai robots

are not going to be able to get paid efficiently without iota coins we all know that stock up now honestly if neo had fought hentai robots, Matrix 2 would have been way better. Okay. Didn't he? Lest we fall into the trap of listing things that would have made Matrix 2 better for 16 hours again, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Was he not fighting hentai robots in Matrix 2? A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. Then it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Masajid. If it's a legitimate race, cooking can be fun.

This week in misogyny. So, yeah, he's already mentioned it briefly in his headline, but it looks like TWIM is going to open up in Michigan yet again. And whereas last week we had the awesome story of Jex Blackmore given anti-abortion activist nightmares by taking a pill live on the evening news, this week we have a misogynistic candidate for governor trying to sweet-talk women impregnated by rapists into carrying the pregnancy to term. So, the fuckbiscuit in question here is Garrett Saldana, a chiropractor by trade, so

already pre-disqualified for public office. But as if his simple existence wasn't bad enough, he recently went on the pompously titled Real America's Voice to tell anti-mask idiot April Moss that women who are raped should be thankful to God if they get pregnant. After all, that child might, by his estimation, be the next president. And the kid's dad, in my estimation, might be the last one. But yeah, he literally said that shit. He started off by telling the story of an adopted friend

researching his birth mother and learning that she was gang raped on a subway. That's absolutely not true, by the way. No fucking way he could have researched that shit. Anyway, he goes on to talk about how happy his friend was that he got to live instead of not live and how grateful he was that his mom hadn't gotten an abortion. And if Sodano realized at any point that the implication was that his

friend was also grateful to those gang rapists, his face never betrayed it. Of course, Sodano didn't want to take a hardline approach to encouraging rape victims to bear their attacker's children. Instead, he's advocating for the getting people to fight fires for 32 grand a year approach and suggested just calling them heroes. Quote, how about we start inspiring women in the culture to let them understand and know how heroic they are and how unbelievable they are, that God put them in this moment and that they don't know that little baby inside them may be the next president, may be the next person that changes humanity, may get us out of a situation maybe in the future. We don't know that, end quote. In other words, why can't those greedy bitches look on the bright side of their rape? Of course, as friend of the show, Hemant Mehta points out, he never bothers

to balance that alongside all the shit that the victim might be if she didn't have to go through a pregnancy and become an unwitting mother. I guess she never had the situation getting out of potential of her unborn man child. Anyway, on that depressing note, and with the hopes that we can move on to some other state next time, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines and caps, Locke news, but Locke with an E. Tennessee pastor, COVID denialist, family embarrassment, and diabetic in training, Greg Locke took a break from screaming at service workers about mask mandates long enough to organize a good old-fashioned book burnin'. For real, though. You know, know like no single person who isn't universally recognized as a historical

villain did automatically evil right every time he justified the event by citing chapter 19 of acts and pointing out that quote we will not tolerate witchcraft and we will not be compromised with devil worshippers end quote all right guys so i was reading this book about this really great flamethrower team they're doing public safety work they're burning evil books for public safety then some asshole they hired just stops doing his job out of nowhere guy montag or something it's a good book we won't burn that one but we're burning most of these fucking books because they're evil. Side note, that witchcraft passage, great if you're ever arguing with anyone about the Bible

because either witches are real or God wants you to kill everyone in Seattle with an undercut. And it's really... Either way, it's a problem for them. Yeah. So yeah, the first announcement came during a sermon last Sunday where Locke told his parishioners to bring Ouija boards, which he described as, quote, portals to hell, end quote. Sure.

And which is parishioners would presumably have to, like, purchase, right? Unless they are in the habit of just leaving portals of hell around with their board games. And, of course, to keep things topical, he added Harry Potter and Twilight stuff as well. Cool. Aw, jokes on you, Greg accidentally burned mormon abstinence propaganda right right exactly lock described the so-called burning service in more detail the following day on facebook where he added quote and i'm sorry for such a long quote but it's fucking greg lock every word of his is delicious quote we're not playing games. Witchcraft and accursed things must go.

Bring all your Harry Potter stuff. Laugh all you will, haters. I don't care. It's witchcraft 100%. All your Twilight books and movies, that mess is full of spells, demonism, shape-shifting, and occultism. Bring tarot cards, Ouija boards, healing crystals. Yeah, they're going to burn crystals, apparently.

He's going to be so mad. Why won't this part burn? It's so much. Someone give me a bellows. For days. Anyway, continuing the quote. Idol statues, spell books, and everything else tied to the occult. It's got to go.

If you think we're crazy, scroll on. We're exposing the kingdom of darkness for what it is. It's time for people to be delivered. End quote. Okay. Okay. So I went down a little bit of a rabbit hole, got an idea, and I did some checking. I went on Zillow right next to Greg Locke's church in Tennessee. Heath?

There is a 1.5 acre lot. Heath? It is selling for $18,000. Oh shit. We can raise that. We need to buy it. We need to construct a giant Ouija board the size of a building and start doing portal to hell stuff

right next to us. Weird blue lights and evil chanting. Yes, I love it. We are doing that. Patreon goal, listeners. Patreon goal. $18,000. That's not that much.

Legal question. Always a bad start. If you made a totem out of sumac leaves and you sent it to Greg with a note that says please do not burn my very special witch totem is that still murder to eli what did we say about asking is it still murder on the air yeah and may i say greg i just personally like as an author i can confirm

that we really deeply care about what you do with our books after you pay us for them. It matters to us on an emotional level that just rings with us for eternity. So might I suggest that you add a couple of copies of Outbreak, A Crisis of Faith to your kindling list, a book which not only contains a mess of spells, demonism, shapeshifting, and occultism, but also points out what an asshole you are by name. If any book deserves to be burned by the dozens, nay, hundreds, it would be Outbreak, A Crisis of Faith, How Religion Ruined Our Global Pandemic. Maybe he'd burn a few Kindle copies, too. That would really show me. You get that?

And in Oklahoma hold-up news, and in oklahoma hold up news the oklahoma state senate took a look at the obvious bat shittery of mayor gene mcgee this week and asked our nation to hold their proverbial beer as they filed a bill sb 1470 which says quote no public school of this state shall employ or contract with a person that promotes positions in the classroom or at any function of the public school that is in opposition to the closely held religious beliefs of students. End quote. That's so stupid. Okay, so Oklahoma just accidentally declared Lord of the Flies at the public school. No more adults. That's impossible. You can't have that rule this is gonna be fun well i love it because like they're they're

trying to make it sound neutral in the phrasing as they always do because they kind of have to but there's no way to do that without accidentally emphasizing what a batshit crazy privilege they're asking for right it's like it's like how publicly declaring that you think a wife should be okay removing something stuck in any of her husband's orifices doesn't throw anybody off the scent you know i deleted that facebook status in confidence i mean for me it just seems impossible that they don't see how this is going to go wrong for them right aside from the obvious i don't think we can hire any science teachers who teach science now problem even by their own christian theocratic worldview

they've now created a law where a muslim student can sue the district if a football coach preys on the 50 yard line and they super deep duper want to do that shit. Yes. Yep. Right. Okay. So if we have any listeners in Oklahoma with kids in public school and I'm assuming you and your kids closely hold the belief that Christian teachers don't punch themselves in the face every five minutes or evil. I want you to send us an email because we're working on a

potential lawsuit. We're going to do a test case. There you go. Or fuck it. Go full door mammo and tell them that you're offended by their religious beliefs not being offended. Oh, yeah. They can't prove that you're not. Yeah. But this bill actually gets worse. As we've said before, the point of bills like this one is to encourage nuisance lawsuits, right, that will harass school districts into compliance,

which is ironic because we've literally watched a dozen christian movies over on our sister show god awful movies with the reverse premise where the non-religious person is doing the suing and they're the bad guy because of it anyways as such they've put injunctive relief of ten thousand dollars into the bill for hiring someone who disagrees with students deeply deeply held beliefs. Wow. They've put a $10,000 bounty on any school district that disagrees with its craziest parents. Okay, cool. So they earmarked some money for that lawsuit. We're going to be doing good.

Good stuff. And we promise to donate that money to the charity of your choice if we pull this off, or we'll use it to buy that parcel of land next to Greg Locke's church for the Ouija board. That'll get us real close. Prank war thing. One or the other.

You can make that at your charity if you want. Hell yeah. And finally tonight in Christian freak out news, a guy ate some toast with peanut butter. Anna. What are you guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out.

That's right. Christians are freaking out after an ad being run in Australia by the matchmaking site eHarmony depicted a man being given toast with peanut butter by another man. Oh, I wonder what they think that the peanut butter represents. Sitting at home. Now, wait just a darn minute. That feller's cure and that other feller's COVID. So you're probably thinking, yeah, Christian people are ridiculous,

but how much of a freak out could that possibly be from just toast with peanut butter? Well, I have good reason to believe it's at least one million people who had a serious problem with this advertisement because a group called One Million M moms sent out an action alert to their entire community and i can't imagine they just made up their title with a number that's an obvious lie that would be stupid we'd make fun of it all the time there's no way that's so here's the action alert from the leader of the one million moms monica cole quote by promoting same-sex relationships e-harmony wants to make it clear where they stand on this controversial topic instead of remaining neutral in the culture war and i'm going to stop

the quote right there not reading the rest just imagine all the other bigot stuff you might hear in that christian lady voice right there quick version just so you have some idea where she went with this. This is the gay agenda. A man lying with a man is a sin. Kids are watching TV when this ad is being run. The kids are just going to start doing gay peanut butter stuff all of a sudden because they've seen a man

eating a piece of toast with peanut butter. Also, I would like to add, I've never had an orgasm because of God. I have one million followers. That's not a lie. that's real for sure no lady i see how you get confused here but there is no controversy here okay everybody agrees it's jif when you're talking about the peanut butter see that one i like to pronounce as gif i like to keep people on their toes you're hitler so i'm pretty sure e-harmony was very intentionally trying to trigger the religious bigots and i love that good job yeah it worked but they did it with some subtlety which is

very confusing to religious bigots the two men in the commercial did not proceed to have graphic gay sex after the toast in the ad no but i'd say it's heavily implied because they seem like a really good couple that fucks a lot after they have breakfast. Like that's their normal thing. They get into it after breakfast. So that was fun. One other fun detail. They had one of the guys wearing a comically oversized dangling earring with

a Christian cross on it. Nice. So good stuff by eHarmony. I enjoyed that. Damn it. Jewelry that tacky belongs in the climax of our Christian romance movies. How dare you sully it, sir? And now I'm in the mood for peanut butter toast and sex with a man.

So I guess we're going to have to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here. No comment on whether that's related to the sex and peanut butter thing. Keith, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, Don Ford will be here. No comment on whether that's related to the Saxon peanut butter thing. None of your business. Noah, you wanted to see me?

Yeah. So, look, we have an ad this week from an old sponsor, but I feel like it's better that just you and I do this one really why this sounds bad it's for the company that makes um you know grooming tools aimed for men oh yeah yeah you mean manscaped

manscaped god damn it they just bought one spot as a trial what up knuckle fuckers? It's me, the Manscaped Man. Back just in time for Valentine's Day to tell you all about the Performance Package 4.0 Peak Hygiene Plan.

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Package 4.0 also comes with Weed Whacker Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, Crop Preserver Anti-Chafing Ball Deodorant, Crop Reviver Ball Spray Toner, and the Magic Mat Disposable Shaving Mat. Those can't all be real. Oh, they're real, alright. Plus, we're gonna throw in a pair of

Manscaped boxers. Anti-chafing boxers at a $20 value for free. You'll be so silky smooth she'll think you're a cleverly disguised child and kill herself like that guy from To Catch a Predator. There it is. There's the refund. Head over to Manscaped.com and enter code SCATHING at checkout

for 10% off your order and 100% off your sack. Guaranteed. Still giving the promo code, really? Manscaped. When the fear is gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain. Okay.

Manscaped man has cost us so much money. Yeah, it really has. Just a lot. What the fuck is... An evangelical. what the fuck is an evangelical the term evangelical comes from the greek word for gospel evangelion which sounds way cooler than gospel or evangelical according to the dictionary the term simply means of or denoting a tradition with protestant christianity emphasizing the authority of the bible personal conversion and the doctrine of salvation by faith in the atonement. And as concise as that definition may seem, it does beg the question, are there traditions

within Protestant Christianity that don't emphasize the Bible, personal conversion, or salvation? And if you asked an evangelical, they'd probably say yes and lump all such traditions under the heading of mainline Protestantism. But if you asked a mainline Protestant if their religious tradition emphasized the authority of the Bible, personal conversion, and salvation, they'd almost certainly tell you, yes. So clearly, someone's full of shit. And we're talking religion here, so odds are, it's everybody.

Now, if you trace the term back to the 16th century, it was largely a synonym for Protestant. To find the point where it diverges into a distinct type of Protestantism, you have to fast forward to the First Great Awakening in the 1730s. In its early form, it was largely an amalgamation of the three Ps of being boring as fuck at a party, pietism, Presbyterianism, and Puritanism. Rather than representing a denomination or sect of Protestantism, the evangelical tag denoted a movement within a number of Protestant sects. In many ways, the movement can be described as Puritanism-lite and grew in direct response to declining attendance and local piety in the previously puritanical cities of Massachusetts. While less cynical historians describe this as a method of refurbishing God's message for a more

modern day, realists see it as a bunch of Puritan preachers removing all the inconvenient shit from their religion because they were running out of money. For example, during the Great Awakening, denominations that used to say that it took a lifetime of sturdy contemplation to achieve true assurance of one's faith started saying it was a signing bonus that you just got for saying the magic Jesus words. This do-nothing-and-get-rewards approach to religion caught on quickly in the North American colonies, but as much because of the evangelical focus on missionary work as the new low price. Unlike many of the traditional forms of Protestantism, evangelicals held a firm belief that one wasn't doing their true duty to God unless they were all up in everybody's shit about it. This led to an increase in religious influence in government, schools, and the average American social life.

But like Puritanism before it, the evangelical movement became stagnant and outdated, and by the early 20th century, it was dominated by fundamentalists so fundamentalist that they actually called themselves fundamentalists. A desire by some more PR-conscious members of the movement led to the term neo-evangelical in the post-World War II era, which we now simply call evangelicals. So, yes, the swath of Christians that include Pat Robertson, Brian Fisher, and John Hagee started with an effort to be less fundamentalist.

Of course, knowing where the evangelicals have been doesn't get us much closer to understanding what the fuck they are, especially since the history of the movement is largely defined by what they're not. And modern evangelical groups are of no more use, as their primary goal is to make groups of people they represent seem as large as possible, even if that requires using rather fuzzy definitions. For example, the World Evangelical Alliance

claims to represent more than 600 million evangelical Christians worldwide, which represents about 195% of the total evangelical population. They get there by employing the Bebbington Quadrilateral, which you can tell is full of shit because they didn't just calling the Bebbington Quadrilateral, which you can tell is full of shit because they didn't just call it the Bebbington Square. They did a five-syllable word in there to make it sound thinky. Basically, this approach defines evangelicals through their theology. It posits four key theological elements, and in the tradition of overnaming laid down by gratuitously polysyllabic use of quadrilateral, they define these four elements as follows.

noticeably polysyllabic use of quadrilateral, they define these four elements as follows. Biblicism, the belief that all essential spiritual truths can be found in the Bible. Crucicentrism, a focus on the atoning work of Christ's death on the cross. Conversionism, the belief that human beings need to be converted. And activism, the belief that the gospel needs to be expressed in effort. If anybody strongly agrees with all four of these statements, the NAE considers them an evangelical. The problem here, obviously, is that you're going to catch a lot of fish in that net that would vehemently disagree with your classification. Hell, by that definition, you can find an awful lot of evangelical Catholics.

Even further confusing the definition is the tendency of the modern media to use the term evangelical as a shorthand for white Protestant, which is all the more baffling since WASP is already there and takes away less effort to say. So despite looking into the etymology, the dictionary, the history, the organizational definition, and the demographic definition, I wound up back where I started. See, to me, the term evangelical simply means extra annoying non-Catholic Christian, and the more I dug into it, the more I realized that truly was an operational definition. In other words, an evangelical is a fundamentalist with enough PR savvy not to use the F word. And if you like it, you give a heart. You just, like, tap. Okay.

But where's the home screen? I don't understand where you start. There isn't a home screen. You just keep swiping and liking things. You just keep swiping, like, forever? I mean, yeah, technically. It doesn't feel great. Yeah, it's probably not.

Right. Eli, if you're done explaining TikTok to Heath, it's time to do Bible Piece Theater. Right. Yeah, the part of the show where we act out the Bible. New book. Second Kings, right? That's right.

And I'd like to announce that Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, is here. Hello, Don. Oh, thank you for the introduction, Heath. Thank you very much. No, it's great for the rhythm. So we're going to start with the story of King Ahaziah and Elijah. Ow, ow, servant. Servant, come here.

Come quick. Yes, my lord. I fell and I hurt myself. Go ask Beelzebub if I'm going to be okay. Yes, my lord. Where did you injure yourself? Oh, I don't, it doesn't really matter. I'm going to be okay. Yes, my lord. Where did you injure yourself? Oh, I don't, it doesn't really matter.

Well, you know, he might ask. Okay. So I was doing yoga, naked yoga, and then I got hungry for a salad. Of course. I'm very health conscious as I am. And so the kitchen sent up a butternut squash for me to eat in my salad. Oh, you know what? You know what? I'll just go get the answer pop then. Yeah, you do that. And, uh, servant?

Uh, yes. Yes, your highness. Hurry, it's way up there. Oh, yes. Yes, your highness. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Elijah stuff. Elijah stuff is my favorite stuff. Yo, what up? Ah, the smell. Hey, angel of God, what's up?

Listen, King Ahaziah sent messengers to Beelzebub to ask if he's gonna get better. And that is not cool, so I need you to go intercept him and tell him that the real and only God says he's gonna die, and don't do that. Okay.

You got it. I'll send them. Oh, and also ask if he's going to die and don't do that. Okay, you got it. I'll send them in. Oh, and also ask if he's done with that squash. For God or for you? I don't see why that matters. Just do what I said. Yeah, I'm going to stick to the first message. It's fine. Fine.

It's a waste of a squash. Are you drinking buffalo sauce? Are you? No. What? Your Highness. Yes, Messenger. What? Uh, your highness? Yes, messenger. What news do you bring from Beelzebub?

Oh, yes, about that. We got intercepted by a guy in the road, and he told us to tell you that you're going to die. Uh, this guy, uh, was he hairy, or did he have girded loins? Like, girded? Well, yes. Honestly, it looked like he was wearing an apple as a belt buckle. Yeah, that's going to be Elijah. Tell you what, take some soldiers and tell them to take back his prophecy or else. Oh, yes, your highness.

That dude's junk is terrifying. Oh, yes, so much so. Thank you. Man of God, man of God, come down so that we may take you to the king. Um, if I'm a man of God, may fire come down and bakoom you guys. Nice. Dude, you, you, you go. Okay, I'm going. I'm going.

Hey, man of God. Man of God, pretty please. Please, please, please come with us so that we may take you to the king. Please. If I'm a man of God, may fire come down and beguile you guys. Come on, please. Please.

Come on, I said please! Great and awesome man of God, who is super awesome, and who has just the right amount of cloth around his trunk, will you please, pretty please, please, please, be the guest of the king. What do you think, angel of God?

Yeah, that's cool. You should go. Your junk does look amazing, though. Right? Thank you. Like a cartoon octopus. I take that as a compliment. Yeah, like in good ways, what I meant. You wanted to see me, your highness? Yeah, Elijah. You had a message from God for me? Oh, uh, yeah.

Because you asked Beelzebub for help, you're gonna die. Yeah, you already told me that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you killed hundreds of my men to avoid telling me something that you already told me? I did, yes. Well,

I kind of feel like... Well, would you look at that? Problem solved. Wow. Butternut. Yeah, butternut. So finally, the time comes for Elisha to die. Elisha, Elisha. Yes, Master. You are my pupil and disciple.

Yes, master. You are my pupil and disciple. Yes, okay. Also, our names are so close that quite a few biblical scholars think we might be the same guy and that the story just got confused. Yes, yes, also true. Come with me as God leads me on my last days in the world. All right, you got it. Elisha, how's it going, man? Oh, not bad.

Just hanging out with my master, Elijah. I see. You know he's gonna die, right? Um, yeah. Yes. Yes, I do. So, are you sure you don't want to, like... Nah, I think I'm good.

Maybe you say so. Elisha, hurry! They have a sale on batteries! Yeah, I'm coming. Wow, that's like three cities we've gone to now where people have told me to abandon you because you're going to die. Weird, right?

Yeah, super weird. That's very specific and weird. Hey, hey, hey, you want to see some god magic? I sure do. Eh! Wow, you split the river like Moses. Just like Moses, yeah. Nice, like Moses. Just like Moses. Nice.

Good stuff. Good times, yeah. So before I go, is there anything I can do for you? I think I'm going to probably... Anything? Yeah, no, anything at all. I'll use my God powers. Awesome.

Okay, I would like a double portion of your spirit. What does that mean? It means I want to be twice as good a prophet as you are. Oh! That's nice. I guess. Right? Okay, well, you know, just stick around with me

and you will be a very good prophet. You said anything and I said twice. Okay, yeah, no. Sure. Twice as good as me. Nice, this is an homage. It feels awkward to be better than me, right, as your wish, right? It's positive.

Like it has a little edge to it. You know what, it's fine, it's fine. Oh, would you look at that? It's my chariot of fire to take me to heaven. Goodbye, Elijah, be a good prophet. I will. I'll be twice as good as you, I beep. Goodbye, Elijah. Be a good prophet. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I will. I'll be twice as good as you. I promise.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Seriously, you don't hear that? You know what? It's fine. I'll see ya. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Are we sure we're good on the copyright for that? The way Eli sings?

Yeah, no, we're fine. Hurtful. Hmm. I wonder if I have river splitting powers now. Nice. Hey, Elijah, Elijah. Hmm, wonder if I have river splitting powers now Nice Elisha, Elisha Yes, men of Jericho, what up? Ah, our water has dried up terribly Can you help us?

What? Crazy, yeah No, I'll get right on that Go get some salt and I will fix it Actually, we have salt in our bags right here. I said go get some salt. Okay. I don't need to do any magic. So one day, Elisha is walking along when he's spotted by some local children.

Hey, Baldy, where are you going? Yeah, Crumb Dumb, you going to get a haircut? All right, you kids. All right. All right, that's enough. You suck, Baldy. That's All right, you kids. All right. All right. That's enough. You suck, both. Okay. Okay.

All right. Well, I think that's a lot. I think it's okay. The Clay Clark mentions seem like a sex thing. Okay. I'm pretty sure that's not in the Bible. You can't just say that the Four Seasons thing happened. That's not a joke.

That's just repeating a funny thing that happened once. Okay, a little help here, God? Bears. I would like some bears, please. Your cowardice killed Coupon Craig. Okay, there we go. Good stuff. Elisha!

Elisha! I didn't feed children to bears. What? What? Yeah, we weren't going to say that you did, man. I felt like you were about to say that. No. We're going to war against Moab, but we don't have any water.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay, totally fixable. Bring me a minstrel. Mammy. No, a much less problematic minstrel, please. Yes, Elisha, what shall I play for you? Oh, anything at all.

Uh, okay. I guess, uh, twinkle, twinkle, whoa! God says dig holes in the desert and tomorrow they'll be filled with water. God is so great! La, la, la. Ha ha, love that song.

Excellent, thank you. Nice, man, but, um, God is so great. Love that song. Excellent. Thank you. Nice, man. But can I ask why you didn't just deliver that message to us? Okay, well, I'll tell you why it wasn't. It wasn't because I was worried I'd shout about killing children with bears, if that's what you're thinking. That's not the reason.

He totally killed kids with bears, right? Yeah, like super obvious. That's not the reason. He totally killed kids with bears, right? Yeah, like super obvious. Clay Clark is very funny looking. Okay. And now that we've reached a point of universal agreement, I suppose we can wrap things up, but we'll see you again on next month's Bible Peace

Theorem. Before we stick this episode in the fridge, I want to remind you that there's still plenty of time to get your tickets to free flow in Orlando. First weekend in March, join me and a whole bunch of other secular speakers, assuming that you're all the way vaccinated and willing to brave Florida. I understand if you're not. Look for more information on the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasph movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows, hot friend, God awful movies debuting at seven Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our half sister show citation needed to be doing at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously this would seem like a thankless episode if I neglected to thank people. So thanks to Lucinda illusions for being the love of my life.

He then right for being the apple of my eye and Eli Bosnick for being the cream in my coffee. I'd also like to thank Don Ford in a way that doesn't really fit into that Roger Rabbit line. I also want to thank John for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. It would have been nice to include a recipe or two,

but that's fine. There's no wrong way to cook them. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Dwayne, Phil, Phillip, Bo, Andrew, I heart dogs, Chris, Derek, Turner, your surly DM. How much hog could a groundhog grind if a groundhog could grind hog? Chimichanga, Arcane, Ryan, Andrew, I Heart Dogs, Chris, Derek, Turner, your surly DM, How Much Hog Could a Groundhog Grind if a Groundhog Could Grind

Hog, Chimichangara, Arcane, Ryan, Samuel, and Z. Dwayne, Phil, Philip, Bo, and Andrew, whose condoms could be used to trap submarines in wartime, I Heart Dogs, Chris, Derek, Turner, and Groundhog Grinder, who are so hot they could light a candle over the phone, and Chimichangara, Arcane, Ryan, Samuel, and Z, who actually

are getting any younger. Together, these 15 people's statements of canine affection and gritty tongue twister reboots helped keep the bills at bay again this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some of it to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist whereby you'll earn access to an extended app-free version

of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com and if you'd like to help, but not in a money-giving kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following at P-I-A-T-Pod on Twitter. And then tweet at us, because Tim gets lonely sometimes. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark,

who also rolled the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAIDS.com. Morgan, see if you can find the noise of a butternut squash leaving an ass and then falling on the ground. Yeah, that's what we're going for. See, you should have recorded it when it happened earlier in the week. Doesn't your face look red? Now I feel stupid. Back to the...

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