The Scathing Atheist - 473: Saturn Ails Ya Edition

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

In this week’s episode, Florida has a silly law, the Russian Orthodox guy has a silly hat, and David Icke proves himself plenty qualified to be the “rule of threes” silliness punchline. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Viced Rhino’s stuff here: https://linktr.ee/vicedrhino --- Headlines: Russian Orthodox Patriarch Kirill says Ukraine is paying for its gay pride: https://archbishopcranmer.com/patriarch-kirill-ukraine-is-paying-for-its-gay-pride/ https://religionnews.com/2022/03/07/holy-wars-how-a-cathedral-of-guns-and-glory-symbolizes-putins-russia/ Michael Flynn claims the word “Creator” appears four times in the Constitution: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/michael-flynn-falsely-claims-the-word-creator-appears-in-the-constitution-four-times/ Students across Florida walk out of classes in protest of “Don’t Say Gay” bill: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/03/students-across-florida-walkout-classes-protest-dont-say-gay-bill/ Greg Locke says he's being threatened with death, hexes, and sex toys for exposing witches: https://www.christianpost.com/news/greg-locke-says-hes-being-threatened-with-death-hexes-sex-toys.html Atheists more likely to hide their identity if women, southern, Republican: https://phys.org/news/2022-02-atheists-beliefs-theyre-women-republicans.html Bianca Gracia said God “appointed” her to a Texas State Senate seat, then she lost: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/bianca-gracia-said-god-appointed-her-to-a-texas-state-senate-seat-then-she-lost/ --- This Week in Misogyny: MO Rep wants to stop residents from getting abortions out of state: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/08/missouri-abortion-ban-texas-supreme-court/ MI candidate makes appalling rape analogy (about his daughters!): https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/08/gop-candidate-rape-2020-election/

Warning, this podcast doesn't contain any profanity. I'm kidding. It does. Fuck. See? This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Honey, My Sheets Rock, and by the only betting company that bests My Sheets Rock, My Sheets Paper. My Sheets Paper. Because I've got to come up with one of these every week. They can't all be gold, okay? And now, The Scathing Atheist. From filthy monkey men and filthy monkey women and filthy monkey kids.

In fact, some people still are filthy monkey men and filthy monkey women and filthy monkey kids. Absolutely. It's Thursday. It's March 10th. And it's Salvation Army Day. Yeah, because it's not real Christian charity without dark money and open homophobia. There you go. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Carl the Pug-a-Pack-a-Corns, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Florida has a silly law. The Russian Orthodox guy has a silly hat. And David Icke will be overqualified for once as I look for a Rule of Three's silliness punchline. But first, the diatribe. This past weekend, I gave a talk

at an atheist conference about the history of the Christian film industry. And obviously, I've been talk at an atheist conference about the history of the Christian film industry. And obviously, I've been looking forward to that for a lot of reasons. It's the first time I've gathered with a group of like-minded people or any kind of people for that matter since the beginning of the pandemic. But another reason I was looking forward to it is that I came across something really interesting while researching for my talk. And I've been wanting to do a diatribe about it now for months, but I didn't want to spoil the talk. And now I can talk about it. So it started when months, but I didn't want to spoil the talk. And now I can talk about it.

So it started when I was trying to figure out where to start my presentation. I'm doing the oral history of the Christian film industry. So where does that begin? Right now, my initial supposition was that the Christian film industry started at the same time that the regular film industry started. I figured either contemporaneously with or shortly after the rise of the movie theater, you'd see a rise of evangelicals trying to cram them full of Jesus movies. But it turns out that that's not actually the case. I mean, sure, there were biblical movies from the very beginning,

but those were mostly excuses to show sex and violence in a way that pastors found hard to protest. The idea of a distinct Christian film industry doesn't show up until the late 1960s. 1968, to be exact exact so what happened in 1968 well that's the year that the motion picture association of america adopted the letter-based grading system for movies g pgr etc see until then every movie had to essentially be g all motion pictures regardless of their intended audiences were governed by a strict and laughably prudish set of rules called the motion picture production code It had 36 rules altogether, but there were 11 that were given primacy in a very thou shalt not manner. Now, in my talk, I went over all 11

of them, but for the purposes of this diatribe, we just need to worry about rule number 10. After a bunch of rules banning even the most milquetoast of profanities and any acknowledgement that humans have genitals, you get this rule that bans quote ridicule of the clergy end quote it comes right after the only good rule on the list actually the the one that bans the showing of children's sex organs which honestly makes you feel like this was an owen speaking of which type situation right like somebody suggested the rule against showing kid dicks and Ed was like, well, then Father O' Flannery is out. And then somebody else was like, also none of what Ed just did. None of that either.

So, yeah. So further evidence that where children's sex organs are, the clergy is soon to follow. But the reason I bring it up is to remind you of just what a protected class the clergy has historically been in this country. These rules were adopted in 1927 and they remained in effect until 1968. And I should emphasize that there's no rule that says you can't ridicule police officers or American soldiers or the president of the United States. Unless you count God of the universe as an occupation, clergy is the only job protected on that list. And that's why, right? Because making fun of the clergy was tantamount to making fun of God himself. Criticizing the clergy was a form of blasphemy. Is it any wonder then that they were so easily able to insulate a global child rape cabal without arousing public notice for centuries?

Now, look, obviously, I'm not trying to absolve any religious institution from its responsibility in child sex abuse of all the things I'm not trying to do. That might be the one I'm not trying to do the hardest, but it's an all but inevitable outcome of religion in the form that we know it today. If God is above reproach, then God is above criticism. And since God will never be able to speak for himself, we'll always have to rely on humans to do the communicating for him as long as we cling to the societal delusion that there's a real god at the heart all of this shit those humans will always get a little bit of transitive infallibility hell that's the whole reason we have taboos against blasphemy right like a fucking real omnipotent being wouldn't be threatened by some asshole making fun of him but a human being whose entire claim to power rests on a socially enforced respect for that omnipotent being wouldn't be threatened by some asshole making fun of him but a human being whose entire claim to power rests on a socially enforced respect for that omnipotent being sure

as hell would through any other lens it's insane for the first three of the ten commandments to be all about acknowledging god's godness but as soon as you remember that the person actually soaking up all that authority is the same one writing the rules and that of course their powers are entirely dependent on that socially enforced acquiescence it all makes sense look we get chastised sometimes even from within the atheist community for being too adversarial and well-meaning listeners and prominent people in the movement will urge us to dial it back tune it down be nicer to the clergy many after all, are just genuinely good people trying to do the right thing. But it's worth remembering just how young our ability to even acknowledge otherwise actually is. You couldn't make fun of a priest in a movie or even make an earnest point that

criticized them without being banned from theaters all the way up into the 1960s. When our criticisms start sounding too harsh, you have to ask yourself whether it's a fair assessment or the byproduct of growing up in a world that's just barely over carving exemptions out to ridiculing one fucking type of job. But even if it isn't, right? Even if they're right and we're carrying our ridicule

farther than the circumstances call for, so the fuck what? Let the pendulum swing the other way for a bit the ability to point out that the roman catholic leadership is entirely peopled with child rapist and child rapist enablers is a hard-won privilege and maybe by doing things my way we might risk making fun of people a little more than they deserve but the risk on the other side is people getting away with child rape i feel like those are the kind of outcomes where you just err on my side of the spectrum as your default they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast bring you a special news bulletin

joining me for headlines tonight are the black and white to my red all over heath ed wright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to do the news? Cool, yeah. We're very diverse. As a metaphor, if we're in a metaphor. Okay, right. We're very diverse. Well, damn it. All of the good whiteness to sheets transitions I can think of are ones our sponsors probably wouldn't appreciate. So with no transitional material beyond that observation, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week.

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That's MySheetsRock.com slash scathing and use the code scathing. Okay, so maybe you got the sheets for free but yeah if you're not stealing how come you have so much more money in the bank than me there's so many reasons i mean just quick off the top of my head you texted me last night to ask if you should buy rubles now while they're nice and cheap fair enough yeah and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight given what's happening in the world right now, lots of people are making comparisons between Russia and the United States. You know, both are large military powers.

Both have a big nuclear arsenal. Both have done some extremely ill-advised invading of other sovereign nations. And of course, both have a terrifying Christian white nationalist problem. But I really don't think that comparison is fair because the Russian Christian leaders have way sillier hats. We are vastly different.

America is great and Russia is silly. That's a crazy comparison. Someone is brave enough to say it, Heath. Thank you. Of course, I'm talking about the leader of the russian orthodox church patriarch kyrill given the opportunity for a majority religion to be helpful one time goddamn ever in fighting against an

unethical military campaign kyrill did the exact opposite he recently blessed a new military glory themed cathedral that they have in Russia what's that and then just to be perfectly clear about his message he added a homophobic rant about Ukraine on top of that yeah okay in Russia's defense the second our religious leaders get anything close to the power that he has, they're going to dress way sillier. This is a difference of means, not ways. Right, right. Yeah. I mean, the starting point is the MAGA hat. We've all seen their belt buckles. You're not wrong. Thank you. So here's the latest on Kirill. He just has the one name when he's in character, but the full title is Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia and Primate of the Russian Orthodox Church, Kirill. That's the full name.

Okay. So he knows he looks like the world's oldest Zubinobo. It's good to know that that's in the title. Right. Why are there still patriarchs? Doesn't even make sense. It's good to know that that's in the title. Right. Why are there still patriarchs? Doesn't even make sense. I'll start with the terrifying new church of murder, death,

kill that they have. It started as an idea by the Russian defense minister following their illegal annexation of Crimea in 2014. That guy thought that Russia could really lock down popular support for their Christian white nationalism thing by connecting up the church, the state, and the military. So I really hope this doesn't catch on anywhere else. It sounds really fucking scary. So they started working on the plan for the Church of the Armed Forces. That's literally what it's called. And it finally got consecrated last week by kareel it's located on the edge of moscow inside a military themed theme park they have that too jesus yeah what

this religion needs is a military and what this military needs is a religion are equally terrifying sentences there's no positive endings that none right and by the way how russian is it that military themed theme park wasn't the scariest part of that description not even close yeah so the guns and glory cathedral is definitely a celebration of taking over crimea that's kind of where it started but they clearly went out of their way to make it about the victory in World War II to make it seem better. They have a dome on the cathedral with a diameter of 19.45 meters to mark the end of World War II in 1945. And there's a second dome measuring 14.18 meters to mark the 1,418 total days of World War II. war ii stretch and i actually like this part they melted a bunch of nazi weapons into the floor of the cathedral awesome which is

fucking great i mean add some people next time it's even better but still that's pretty good that's pretty good but the whole thing is clearly being used to celebrate a Russian version of Christian manifest destiny. And they see Crimea and now Ukraine as integral parts of their religious history. And now the propaganda message is that Ukraine is run by Nazis. So this invasion is just like World War II. It's not. It's not like World War II. It's never like that.

Pretty much anytime anybody says that. But when the majority of your country is white Christian people, apparently you can get them all riled up about your divine right to the cradle of religious civilization. And I, you know, I really hope that doesn't catch on anywhere else. Like that other thing I was talking about. Okay, that's terrifying and a bad idea. But I am totally melting down Joel Osteen's teeth for the floor of our eventual atheist basilica. I am stealing that.

That's great. Don't melt them. Oh, the fuck. How big a basilica are you planning? Always buy more tile than you need. No, that's an amateur. All right. That's fair.

That's fair. So just like almost every single story about a major religious figure, that brings us to the homophobic rant. Here it comes. He dedicated a whole section of his sermon from last Sunday to explaining that Ukraine needs to be invaded because they don't hate gay people enough in Ukraine. He said the test of a true Christian government is whether they refuse to have pride parades.

That's the test. And the only part of Ukraine that was homophobic enough was the Donbass region of mostly Russian Orthodox supporters of Putin. So if you think about it, Putin is technically saving the Ukrainian people by giving them a chance to repent and stop not hating the LGBT community. So, you know, they're welcome. Seriously, that's not hyperbole. That's the speech. I gave you an exact description of the speech. I mean, to be fair, Heath wasn't dressed nearly as silly as the curricular was. So the effect is slightly lessened. But trust us, it was we don't know. I'm pretty silly. He's he's dressed, yeah. But think about what a fucked up worldview you need to begin with to argue that Ukraine is like Nazi Germany

in that they didn't persecute minorities enough. Jesus Christ, that's what happened. Gave them their own triangles? Come on! And in flinflation news tonight, I would argue that the scariest thing about the lies of christian nationalists isn't their frequency their magnitude or even their viciousness it's how refutable they are right like these people don't demand truth or even verisimilitude that that means truthiness looking yes thank you yes and to be honest heath i spent five minutes

trying to plug in a more familiar word and i kept looking at it going there's a fucking word for that in sparrows and millitude damn it anyway the point is that trump proved their lies didn't even need coherence to be accepted so nobody was surprised at all when q anon promoter in chief michael flynn claimed in a recent speech that the u.s constitution contains the word creator four times the real number for those of you who don't know offhand is zero times zero yeah it says creator red white and blue times in the constitution mag 2024 so i mean better than like the trump version four is a coherent and incorrect number right no you're right it is a number And he didn't like draw in Sharpie on the Constitution

to prove it later or anything, too. So there's that. So this bullshit came at a campaign rally for MAGA pastor Jackson Lehmeyer, the candidate Trump

is promoting in the Oklahoma Senate primary. He was making the familiar America is a Christian nation point and he decided to bolster it with an appeal to a constitutional passage that I can only assume

is written in invisible ink along the back. Quote, democracy is always a fragile type. You read the Federalist Papers. You read the founders' writings. You read all these things. You study the history of this country. You study how it was founded.

Yeah, have you done all that, Michael Flynn? Why don't you? I do that. You don't do that. You, who is saying this, don't do that. You're a convicted traitor. Right, there's that. You don't do that. You who are saying this, don't do that. You're a convicted traitor, right? There's that.

But also, why don't you disprove all of that shit in the next sentence? Quote, that's why the word creator is in the constitution four times. We are then just to get, just to make sure he really drills down on this mistake. He carries on. We are endowed by our creator.

End quote. Cool. Yeah. Fun fact. we are endowed by our creator end quote cool yeah fun fact the most common word in the constitution is state huh if you include the plural it appears 212 times and the word church appears zero times i think i found a separation of church and state. It's two twelfths. So weird. So, yeah, best case scenario, he mistook the Declaration of Independence for the Constitution and mistook the number one for the number four. That is the most generous I can possibly be here.

Yeah, you know how it's like a bunch of people accidentally frame their college acceptance letter instead of their diploma? That's what Michael Flynn, yeah. So the most likely case, though, is that he long ago learned that it doesn't fucking matter what evidence you offer up to a crowd of Trump supporters. He just finished telling them that Nancy Pelosi was a literal demon and they didn't bother to fact check that. He was charging forward, securing the knowledge that everybody in his particular audience thinks that control f means holding in a fart yeah a lot of accidental pasting in that i pasted twice i pressed it again and their platform is control v so i get it

thank you and in the kids are all right, in the face of the absolute shit show that is American politics, it can be hard to find a glimmer of hope that isn't stuff like Taco Bell added the Mexican pizza back to their menu. Okay, that is top 10 possible good news, Eli. Okay, but whatever, whatever. Wait, did they?

Yeah, they did. Congratulations. Nice. But this week, I'm happy to say that thousands of students across hundreds of schools staged a walkout in protest of Florida's upcoming don't say gay bill. So while the present might suck, the future is looking better and better. Yeah. So long as you don't count the climate.

So for those of you unfamiliar with the don't say gay bill, it's the new law that would ban teachers from acknowledging the existence of LGBTQ people and give parents the right to personally sue the school district and the teachers if they do. It's enacted theocracy and we're all just kind of watching it happen like the love is blind reunion, right? It's horrible. Someone should stop it, but we're all kind of powerless to look away yeah no it's kind of like all the other shit about florida okay but shake needs to die in a fire when his tesla crashes itself i fucking hate him nobody cares you oh you have reservations at nobu fuck you nobody cares you're the worst gross what Are you a DJ? I hate you. Four of our listeners who watch Love of the Blind deeply appreciated that.

And two of our hosts. Yes, exactly. But of course, it's 2022. So it can't all be good news. Flagler Palm Coast High School senior Jack Petotsk, who I'm sorry if I'm pronouncing that wrong because he's not an asshole. That's the kid who organized the statewide walkout. And he was suspended, quote, indefinitely for handing out pride flags to his fellow students, despite the principal telling him not to. Now, Flagler Palm Coast High School has yet to comment. But that's probably because if they did, it would just be a slur.

Well, it's on the bright side of the suspension, though. Now he can discuss gayness whenever the fuck he wants. So there's that. Yeah, that's true. One last thing on this bill. I know we have listeners in Florida. I know we have listeners who have kids in Florida, and it can feel terribly paralyzing to live in times where this kind of evil runs rampant. out right you don't have to grin and bear this the consequences for the people who support these bills should be constant eternal and your voice and your presence is an excellent first step and speaking of calls to action it's time for us to hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda that was a very legal vague call to action by you right thank you exactly beep, long beep, long beep. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what you want. If it's a legitimate race.

You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. I told you so's are never fun in my line of work. I've spent years warning about worst case scenarios if the modern Republican Party got its hands on the Supreme Court. And I was really hoping I was doing it in a preventative way more than a predictive one. But it turns out that I was too optimistic.

And now we're seeing all the shit that I've been warning you about this whole time. Take, for example, GOP State Representative Mary Elizabeth Coleman from Missouri. Her state already enacted one of the nation's strictest abortion laws back in 2019, which has forced thousands of women to travel all the hell way to neighboring states like Illinois to obtain constitutionally protected medical procedures. Well, she wants to put a stop to that too, and she's using that extra legal spy on your neighbor enforcement method to do it. She's crafted a new provision that would allow Missouri citizens to sue a resident if they traveled out of state to obtain an abortion. So legally traveling to

legally do a legal thing could get you sued. Now, this isn't a law yet, but she's attached the provision to several anti-abortion bills that have already made their way through the committee. And even if they don't pass, just the threat of these laws can have a chilling effect on both women seeking abortions and abortion providers. That's why they kept crafting these laws even back when the SCOTUS was still taking constitutionality more or less seriously. And of course, the pitchforks and torches enforcement method is designed to get around the most obvious problem of how the fuck anybody could keep track of this

without installing people at the state line to check your fucking papers. But somehow, Mary Elizabeth Coleman didn't earn the title of my least favorite Midwestern Republican state legislator this week. That one goes to Republican candidate for the Michigan House, Robert Reagan. Now, to be fair, the point he was trying to make wasn't a bad one. He was on a live stream with a group of nutjobs buying into Trump's lies about the 2020 election being stolen, and he's trying to dismiss their calls to action. And that's the kind of point you'd think would be easy to make without alluding to your daughters getting raped,

And that's the kind of point you think would be easy to make without alluding to your daughters getting raped, let alone soft peddling an endorsement of it. But that's why you're overqualified to be a GOP candidate for Michigan State House. After explaining that it would be too late to act on their grievances, even if they were true, he explained, quote, I tell my daughters, well, if rape is inevitable, you should just lie back and enjoy it. End quote. So, yeah. Kudos, by the way, to the only woman on the panel, a Republican strategist, that called him out on what a terrible analogy it was and what terrible advice it was. But luckily, Reagan's daughter doesn't strike me as the type to take anything lying down. She responded to the controversy by tweeting out, quote, if you're in Michigan and 18 plus, please, for the love of God,

do not vote for my dad for state rep. Tell everyone, end quote. So at least his inability to give sound advice is genetic. Anyway, after quoting that asshole, I needed some mouthwash, so I'll wrap things up there, and I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines, we actually have some good news.

Hate pastor Greg Locke is facing consequences. Now, okay, most of the consequences are pretty minor this week and he is in fact a plague spreading bigot who deserves a very long list of truly terrible things that i did brainstorm but andrew vetoed every single one it was it's actually a fun several hours of texting between the doors lots of of itchy scenarios. That was like the theme of my stuff. But the actual consequences were still a small victory.

And we're going to take it and we're going to talk about it. In response to his very literal witch hunt that he's been doing lately, Locke's Global Vision Bible Church has been dealing with an influx of roasty voicemail and roasty physical mail, including, according to Locke, actual evil witchcraft. This is serious. Stop sending us witchcraft. They got some hexing in the mail, like crystals and stuff, and he's convinced he got hexed by, like, witches. And I'm pretty sure we had nothing to do with that. Eli, is that correct

yeah pass alright so I know Andrew is still recovering from Heath's tech storm but it can't be illegal to set up a team to like walk out in front of him figure out where he's going and set up the little Blair Witch stick pile things

he turns around the corner that can't be illegal right in front of his dunkin donuts right yeah all right so just in case anyone missed it here's the relevant background on this during a sermon last month greg lock announced that he learned about six literal witches in his congregation he got their names and some of their addresses. How did he get that incomplete information? He spoke to a magical demon who had a spreadsheet of witches

with a few empty cells in the address column. Weird. So following his insane witch hunt speech, the people who already hated him got some extra motivation to really start fucking with him. According to Locke, quote, Everybody's mad about the thing I said about calling out witches. They are real. They know they're real.

They're not hiding the fact that they're real. It's just that the church is too unbiblical and ignorant to recognize witchcraft, sorcery, and spells and curses when they see them. We got a box the other day that said it was from my mom that was full of all kinds of crystals and hexes and vexes and curses. What? End quote. They also got a bunch of glitter bombs and sex toys in the mail.

Nice. Good times. I'm so sorry, Heath. Hexes and vexes? Yes, rightath hexes and vexes yes right thank you that's correct he got sent a book of black belt sudoku even if you set aside vexes what does it mean to be sent a box of hexes and curses right did they just they shouted a bunch of spells into the packing peanuts and sealed it up before they could float back out very possible and if so how did he know they were there did the fucking spreadsheet demon tell him about him i

imagine he spoke to the spreadsheet demon again spreadsheet demon actually works in the mail room now they can't be too careful oh okay no right right that makes sense so one other important detail for any new listeners greg lock goes to duncan donuts every day and orders two medium coffees each with seven creams and five sugars and after injecting that directly into his penis he goes back into duncan and orders the exact same goddamn thing again that in total is 56 ounces of coffee, 28 creams and 20 sugars every single day. And I mentioned that again because apparently there's a group of local heroes somewhere near Buckwater, Tennessee, where his church is. And they're working on getting Greg Locke banned from the Duncan location near the church. So I'm just I'm so proud.

It's so many Heath points for this group of people. We'd love to see a video of Greg Locke having a very panicky meltdown outside of Dunkin' Donuts when he gets banned. I can't wait to see that happen. Please, somebody get that footage. They hand him one last cup of coffee on the house. But no cream and sugar. But no, yeah, just black. Put him backwards on a horse

and tear his sleeves off his shirt. And finally tonight in Gracias de Yucks News. What? What are you doing there? Just run me through it real quick. Regular listeners to our program will be familiar with Texas State Senate hopeful Bianca Gracia,

who has burst onto the scathing atheist headlines like the shooting star that she is. Burning hot, burning bright, and sadly, as we learned this week, burning for all too short a time as she absolutely got her ass kicked in the primaries because she's a crazy person. Oh, OK. Let's not act like crazy person was disqualifying elise you got her asses kicked in the primary and she was a crazy person yeah very good point actually this was a republican primary she got her ass kicked in the primary despite

being the best way to say it yeah yeah so for those of you who have missed her gracia a homeschooling mother of two who describes herself as a, quote, constitutional Christian conservative and quote, was the statewide Hispanic engagement director for the Republican Party of Texas and the state director for the Faith and Freedom Coalition, as well as the president of the ironically named Latinos for Trump. And she figured her time has come, telling a reporter one week after she announced her candidacy, quote, I have conquered it already. It is mine. I am claiming the victory, end quote. Quick, well, she still had a chance, I guess, right? She's got her

foot up on it like fucking Captain Morgan. Jesus Christ, this is awesome that she lost. I love this. But don't worry, she didn't just call political shotgun. She also assured us that the omniscient, omnipotent creator of the universe was on her side. Pin in that, quote, the Lord told me you're going to the Capitol and you're going to make those walls shake and you're going to make the devil run, end quote. She even turned to divine threats, saying in an interview with a group of pastors,

If you do not show up, then you will be held accountable because I have been appointed and assigned for this position and God is testing you all. I don't have anything else to say to you other than that. So you're either going to have to show up and show out or you're going to have to deal with it with the Lord. Worst guy could do is put them in hell. They're already in Texas. It's like what? Power works in hell all the time. Now, to Ms. Gracia's credit,

she has taken her loss with grace and dignity. I'm just kidding. She's a crazy person, and she thinks Hugo Chavez stole her votes. She tweeted, quote, voters were told at a voting location in harris county that they couldn't vote for republicans in the texas primaries but they could vote for democrats machines were down in five districts within harris county it seems like the 2020 election was just the beginning end quote but maize middleton is a republican she lost to a

republican right that's the nature of a republican primary yeah what are you talking about yeah so she heard about that and so she added a tweet two days later that said i cannot make this up this is a word for word quote okay the elections were run by the parties and if one side did not show up then the other side could not run the election for the opposite side. Cool. So they were not purposefully turned away. This happened to both Republicans and the Democrats.

Exclamation mark! Exclamation mark! So yeah, Bianca, thank you for your beautiful time across our lives. We'll miss you. And there's really only one way to show that. Hit it, Morgan. Eli, Eli, for the last time, we are not buying the rights to Candle in the Wind

so you can sing the entire thing about Bianca Gracia. Aww. I hate being the new guy. All right. Well, it looks like Eli might need another quick huff break. So we're going to close the headlines here. Eli, thanks as always. I'm also in a huff.

People's princess. And when we come back, we'll crack a book that'll make us wish we booked some crack. Today's episode is sponsored by Honey, the easy way to save when shopping on your iPhone or computer. Oh man, 80 bucks? There's got to be a cheaper price somewhere.

Hey, Heath. What you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. I'm shopping online, but there's just got to be a better price for this thing I'm buying. Well, why don't you try Honey? I'm trying, babe. No, no. Honey, it's the free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the

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What? What's happening? That sounds too good to be true. I bet when you use a honey coupon, they sell your organs, don't they? What? No, they don't. Well, they have to make money somehow, Noah. Wake up, sheeple. Eli, Honey makes money because they get paid when someone uses their coupons.

It's like really simple. Oh, they don't sell your organs? No. No, man. I actually started using Honey before they were a sponsor. They saved me a ton of money on video game stuff. Oh, yeah. I actually used Honey for our Christmas baskets this year,

and we saved like hundreds of dollars with Honey. Yeah, we sure did. And Honey doesn't just work on desktops. It works on your iPhone, too. Just activate it on Safari on your phone and save on the go. Oh, wow. That's awesome. If you don't already have Honey, you could be straight up missing out.

And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a solid and supporting the show. I would never recommend something I don't use. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com slash scathing. That's joinhoney.com slash scathing. Sorry about accusing you guys of supporting organ sellers. Yeah, no worries. No worries. It's not like you bought a billboard.

Right. You buy a billboard, you bought a billboard. I rented a billboard. I'm going to call Andrew. Yep. Sounds good. One of the weird things that we've inadvertently proven on this show is that though it's beneficial on balance, not every aspect of literacy is a positive one. every aspect of literacy is a positive one.

Take, for example, David Icke's tome of conspiratorial bullshit, everything you need to know but have never been told, which we are, for some reason, still reading. Yeah, literacy came back to bite us in the ass on this one for sure. Right? So this week we're going to explore the role that heavenly bodies play in our evil Jew alien simulation prison in Chapter four. One big program. Sure.

Specifically, the evil Jew aliens are beaming messages of shitty earthness to our brains using Orion, Saturn and the moon. Girls blaming their bad month on Mercury and retrograde are looking at David Icke like, come on, dude, be serious. Right. Come on. So his argument seems to be right off the bat, why would ancient people be so obsessed with Saturn, Orion, and the moon if they weren't interdimensional psychic communication components?

Right, so he names those three things, and then he tries to play like Circle the One that doesn't belong with himself, but they all belong or don't belong because that's crazy so he gets confused during his own book and we get to watch him in his confusion in his book he decides that saturn is the one that doesn't belong and he says to himself okay the moon and orion those are prominent in the sky but saturn why would

ancient people focus on saturn anyway i'm gonna keep writing my book and he will later get back to this but it makes it worse it gets so much done he should have just let it go yeah that would have been smarter every time he gets back to anything he makes it worse yes so he first explains that people, humans, come from Orion. What could that possibly mean, given the vast distances between the stars that make up that constellation? Shut the fuck up. Shut the ever fucking fuck up. Sometimes I feel bad when I put jokes like Carl the Bug of Peckacorn into our podcast that new listeners might not get right away.

And then I remember that David Icke expects humans are from Orion to be a priori knowledge and I feel much better. I feel much better about myself. Also, he claims that the pyramids of Giza were aligned with the three stars of Orion's belt. Uh-huh. Whatever the

fuck that would mean. And that's because the demon who's running our simulation is living on orion yeah just all of it on yeah just he's living on the area of orion and he needed specifically the belt part to be lined up with the big pointy buildings sure obviously the duh so with orion's place in this whole thing explained i guess sure we move on to saturn he tells us that a few thousand years ago saturn was ringless and it was the same it was so close to the earth that it was the same size in the sky as the sun back before it had rings okay that feels wrong i'm pretty sure that's wrong

okay so according to according to david ike it was a stationary sun at this point so the rings of the sun is called saturn always looked the same it was stationary so the planet saturn that used to be a sun would move around in perfect sync with the earth so it looked the same it was stationary so the planet saturn that used to be a sun would move around in perfect sync with the earth so it looked the same all the time for the mayans and the greeks and the egyptians like every time they checked apparently like it was like the scene from mrs doubtfire like somehow the sun was the saturn sun was pulling it off clearly but like so one day in the fifth century big saturn disappeared and just shockingly few people elected to record this event right he also mentions that there were colossal earthquakes and mountains were breathing fire and

there was a giant wall of water across the entire planet. The ocean boiled. The earth literally flipped over. His exact words. That's what he says. Yep. And some ancient people that happened to them and they were like, wow, that was like a whole thing. I'm going to write that down.

But like cryptically. Yeah, let's not get specific about it. I'm going to be vague about it. David Icke is like if Stephen King tried to weave the gunslinger universe into other people's books but like at rant like he walked around the library just grabbed any four books and was like this is what i'm weaving my universe into so okay so then he tells us about emmanuel velikovsky this is a russian dude who wrote a book long time ago claiming that saturn was a star and it used to orbit venus or some silly shit but of course the scientific fascism that's his term shut velikovsky down and banned his books and wouldn't let him join in any science games

you know you're full of shit when the opening paragraph of your wikipedia page describes your work as quote frequently cited as canonical example of pseudoscience okay all right so this guy velikovsky apparently read some mythology about saturn and jupiter in a fight and he thought it was about like those two planets passing each other in the hallway of space and Jupiter beat the shit out of Saturn because it was mad. Everything in this whole section is about this guy Velikovsky and David Icke not understanding

that ancient civilizations would often name stuff in the sky after their gods. And these guys are like, literal twinkle fight it was crazy saturn had to leave because it was scared and went far away now that's why that is what the case is now that's what they am i wrong like that's the only explanation no no no you are right yep so then he spends a sub chapter explaining how the fall of saturn corresponded with the fall of man which is why saturn is a satanic nazi now okay that was a hard right turn in the text wasn't it

yeah sure was it's like when you get to a new job and someone's explaining to you like how the walk in freezer works but then right in the middle they're like everyone fucking hates jerry and you've just got to like take that in along with the first in, first out system. Yeah, so you load it from the back to keep the rotation going. Heil Jerry real quick. That's Jerry right there. And you always put a day dot sticker on it when you're done. So that's the end of it.

So where did Saturn get its ring? Great question. Thank you. Well, for that one, we're going to have to check in with David Icke's inside guy at NASA, Norman Bergeron. I feel like Aesop's going to do better with where the rings are. Oh, yeah. So this is a man, by the way, who in David Icke's estimation did his best thinking in his 90s.

Okay. Forgive me for going down a rabbit hole here. But when you Google Norman Bergeron, you get his bio page on the smithsonian air and space museum website which says quote bergen is the author of the classic books ring makers of saturn and tomorrow's technology today which document the existence of extraterrestrial vehicles of immense power end quote but if you look closely it's not his page of his listing as a scientist it's his listing as a donor he bought the donor level it's a little blurb on the smosonian website and then if you look at the bottom of his donor blurb and i think norman is the reason that this little text is there it says

quote wall of honor profiles are provided by the honoree or the donor who added their name to the wall of honor the museum cannot validate all facts contained in the profiles and quote amazing oh it's like thomas and andrew having to read the names of the stupid thing they don't like that's awesome so yeah so so he's in the middle of explaining to us that the rings of saturn are made by space dump trucks or something and then my notes go all caps and they say oh my god Saturn's rings

are a giant DVD with our simulation written on them now that's the kind of crazy I have come to expect from you David Ike fuck yeah man I gotta admit it hasn't been always easy to read this book but davey's just standing outside of our literary worldview holding a boombox of his own crazy you're back baby

you complete me in your eyes yeah so the jewish demon running the simulation wanted to make a DVD of his awesome conspiracy project. And he accidentally built that DVD around the edge of a planet that David Icke was able to study. And now the demon has to just leave it there or it's even more suspect. That is the theory we're presented with here. By the way, those cosmic dump trucks are plasma dump trucks. Yes.

The DVD is made of plasma exhaust from the dump trucks, to be clear. Yes. Now, of course, wherever there are six-sided symbols,

where are the six-sided symbols? Just keep up. Just keep up. There are sure to be Jews. Yeah. So he now relates all of this to the hexagram.

Typical. David is now blowing his readers' minds in a way that my toddler-shaped puzzles have lost their ability to do to him. Yeah. Well, and of course, the key to all of David Icke's cherry-picking is to claim that symbols can communicate with your subconscious, which is why the bad guys love putting clues into their logos and their planetary storms apparently yeah so there's a cloud pattern on the north pole of

Saturn that's in the approximate shape of a hexagon in David Icke's head that simulation demon was like alright I gotta put my fucking Jewish hexagon somewhere right cause like wherever I go I gotta put a Jewish hexagon and it's gotta be like 9000 miles on each side of the hexagon huh all right well nobody knows the giant dvd yet they didn't notice that this will be much smaller i feel like i'm gonna

put it there and of course since a hexagon is a cube much in the same way that an eye is Saturn, which is also a hexagon, which is also a cube. So basically he explains how... You doing numerology over there, bud? We'll get to it. I'm doing shaprology right now. So he explains how far ranging the conspiracy is by explaining how often we see Saturn

and or eyes and or hexagons and or cubes. And his list, no shit, includes the fact that churches often have black and white squares on their floors. So does five guys, five hexagons. Saturn. This is all checking out. Jewish. Jewish. Yeah. But it's actually crazier than what you just said as a joke.

Exact quote. America was established by the Europe-based elite, capitalized through secret societies like the Freemasons, and so urban America is arranged in squares, known as blocks. Yes! When you live in blocks, you are in the midst of the energy

created and represented by blocks or squares, which are at other levels energetically hexagons, which are at other levels energetically cubes, which are energetically hypercubes. Yes! Actual quote!

And holy hell hell when the anti-semitism floodgate opens you just ain't gonna close them back okay this is where he explains that quote israel is the creation and fiefdom of the archontic that's the bad guy, House of Rothschild, whose very name comes from another front-line symbol for Saturn, the six-pointed star or hexagram. Yeah, you hear that, everybody? I'm third cousins to a fiefdom. Right. You might ask what that makes me. A fief in the night.

Jesus Christ. That's excellent. Thank you. No, it's not. Don't encourage him. How dare you? that's excellent thank you no it's not don't encourage him i also need to point out here that marjorie taylor green's theory of jewish is far more coherent than what you just heard that is a terrible sign yeah marjorie taylor green is like come on man tighten it up we look dumb

trying to do our antisemitic things you're making us you're making us look dumb and then he talks about the opening of the gothard base tunnel in switzerland in 2016 which to his credit is one of the weirdest goddamn fucking things that ever happened it was a ceremony that i can only describe as david ike bait. Oh, do you mean the one where there's an angel baby with a paper? Yeah. Is that the one you're talking about? Podcast listener,

stop what you're doing right now. Driving surgery, whatever you're doing, watch this ceremony on YouTube, watch this ceremony on YouTube through the eyes of a tunnel worker who has brought their family to the opening of the tunnel ceremony. It's pretty weird. Terrifying.

I would like to go home. What the fuck? Alright, well, and since he's been doing so well with astronomy, history, and physics, it's time for David to take on math in a subchapter called Numbers Game. Yeah. Spoiler alert, everything

equals 666. Yes, yes. Sure does. Well, everything equals 666 if you keep changing numbers until you feel like stopping at 6 for one of them, and then you do that again like twice. He actually says,

exact quote, in numerology, you keep adding the digits he actually says, exact quote, in numerology, you keep adding the digits until there is a single number. And so numerologically, 15 is really six. But here's the problem, Dave. This is why you haven't escaped the matrix and killed the Rothschild family yet. Six in base 10 is actually six times 10 to the zero power. Oh, that's right.

All that adds up to seven, which is seven times 10 to zero power, which is eight. And you got to finish the numerology, man. You didn't finish. You let us know when you're done, but you're not done yet. So, but we learned, yes, we very much reinforced that spiritual forces are base 10. Yeah, exactly. I would like to point out also that he literally shows us a three by three grid with the rows and columns adding up each to 15 here. Yes.

David Icke was like, I did a Ken Ken. Turns out it's the Jews. that's the 15 15s all around jews yep also also freemasons basically sub jews yep yeah i wasn't i wasn't exaggerating that's what's happening right now by the way this is just to remind you the numerology yeah well he's he's ranking the race wars yeah he literally says that most freemasons are actually enslaved agents of the demon guy and they all control the government and the judiciary and they're all the lawyers and they're all the media and they're all bankers and then he's like oh no sorry what was I doing a dog whistle just now? Jews, I'm talking about.

Yes, right. The Kabbalah. They're using evil Jew magic. I'm really sorry. I was doing a vague dog whistle. This is anti-Semitic. I'm anti-Semites. I don't like Jewish people. So then he shits himself

with fear over the Large Hadron Collider and the way that it's secretly opening portals to saturn yep this section's amazing it starts with pretty much exact quote i've said it before in my other books i'll say it again if you smoosh a proton that opens a stargate to saturn you remember fucking kurt Kurt Russell and he had the cool sunglasses and it was the... All right. But admittedly, though,

it's weird to spend billions of dollars to confirm the standard model of physics is a really easy sentiment to sell. Yes. Honestly, trying to reach the satanic pillar Jew masons on Saturn makes way more sense to me than we funded science well right yes

here's the thing if we do actually open a stargate at a drunk lighter we have to hide it until david ike's dead right like we can't do that now publicly right if we create a black hole or something yeah the greatest nerds in the world they must have a department for this that's like we got to hold off. How much longer could he last? Deal with idiots PR thing department. Someone get him an oyster cracker. I don't think they have that guy.

They need that guy. Now, he also points out that the LHC is apparently situated at exactly the spot where the scorpion horse locusts from Revelation are supposed to pop out during the end times just walking behind the sloppy guy at the hadron collider sweeping up the crumbs this is how you get scorpion horse locusts man do you want to get scorpion locusts this is why everybody hates you a powdered donut in the middle of the tube are Are you serious right now? Alright, so he also, he says that CERN's logo has a 666 in it

and it does. I mean, that's a win for Ike, that one. Hey, nerds, nerds, bring it in. I need you to run all your logos by the crazy guy outside of your bodega, okay? This one's on you. This one's on you.

Absolutely their fault or they're actually satan related it's one or the other right yeah here's the thing though i was thinking about it 666 is actually 18 which is actually 9 oh you're right which is actually 10 well yeah no stop you gotta stop now because that's actually when it goes on for a while there two so now that that's taking care of Orion and Saturn. It's time for us to wrap up by explaining the part that the moon plays in all of this. Yeah, that's the only question I have left.

Thank you. And first things first, the interior of the moon, the interior of the moon, that's where they, TM, keep all their psychic harmony suppression lasers. Question. Yes. Do they have like extra space in the moon for like Amelia Earhart's body? Or is it like packed?

No. Physical harmony suppression bay force. So we're going to, we'll get there, but no. Dude, obviously it's a hypercube. Five dimensional space. You got Amelia Earhart. you got the Kennedys Bin Laden they're all just smoking scars hanging out

throwing around anti-semitic slurs together doing the Ken Ken it's fun that is David Icke's wet dream he's there with them that's what he's doing so yeah so he bolsters his bullshit about the moon by saying that science can't explain where the moon came from.

And by can't explain, he means updated their theory over the years. By which he means can't explain. Have they explained? Yes. He also tells us that the moon is hollow and probably is a long abandoned spaceship. Maglar, do we want to take the psychic comedy suppression laters? No, no time. We must leave them. Real quick, I made a really big

Jewish cloud. Do we leave that? Leave it. We're going to leave it. The bus is here. All right. I could put it on Saturn instead. He also spends a lot of time explaining all the great colors that we'd be able to

see if it wasn't for the stupid moon. David Icke and someone who didn't realize that that acid tab was double-sided have a lot of the same concerns. At one point, he literally tells his readers that it's all a simulation, so they don't

need to breathe. Oh, sure. But when I say it, I'm in trouble. We didn't have the moon. We'd have gills and we'd all have fucking jet skis with flame throwers and paper. No. Okay. That's Waterworld.

I went into Waterworld. I see what I did. I'm Waterworld. And Dennis Hopper. Nope. That's Waterworld. It's Waterworld. Okay. Well, that does it for the chapter's Waterworld. Okay. All right. Well, that does it for the chapter, but we still haven't quite reached the point where you can even easily prop the fucking book open, so there's still plenty of David Icke to come

on Everything You Need to Nope. Before we fade away tonight, i wanted to thank everybody who came out to see me at free flow this past weekend it was great to meet you i hesitate to name any names because there's too many people to thank and too many names that i forgot but i specifically want to thank scott for his thoughtful birthday gift dang for the same jody for the incredible cake vince anya and nick for letting me put him to work the first night and and Michael, Randall, Garrett, and Claudia for their great dinner conversation on Saturday. Anyway, that's all the Blast Movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 on Easter on Monday, and even a newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 on Easter on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for working three times as hard while I was away this weekend. I need to thank Heath Enright for working three times as hard while I was away this weekend.

I would need to thank Eli Bosnick for working equally hard as normal, but also providing moral support for Heath, who was working three times as hard as normal. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions for making four hour drive. Something I look forward to. I also want to thank vice Rhino and Lily for providing this week's Farnsworth coat.

Be sure to check out the show notes for a link to their show, which is way less child abusey than it sounds. If you just listen to the description, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Bossasaur, Ty, Josh, Birder, Brian, Ryan, Evan, Riff, Freelance, David, Greg, Karen, Mark, Not-a-Banana, Batan, and Miriam, who are so desirable that Putin invaded Ukraine just to get a little closer to him. Together, these 14 formidable freethinkers four win a forkful of fortune in furtherance of our fuck-filled fulminations this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

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