The Scathing Atheist - 481: Uterus-ky Business Edition

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

In this week’s episode, Jains lose the good religion excuse by a hair, Barack Obama lets Joe Biden borrow his demonic portal, and David Icke will start running out of euphemisms. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist Come see us live in Toronto! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-toronto-tickets-294592011637 To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Zachary’s favorite cat rescue: https://www.fatkatzabq.org/ --- Headlines: SCOTUS also gets case about Christian flag in Boston wrong: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/supreme-court-boston-cant-reject-a-christian-flag-but-theres-an-easy-fix/ Ontario mom shocked, somehow, by Catholic school’s anti-abortion homework https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/ontario-mom-shocked-somehow-by-catholic-schools-anti-abortion-homework/ MTG says Christians helping resettle immigrants and refugees are controlled by the devil: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/marjorie-taylor-greene-says-christians-helping-resettle-undocumented-immigrants-and-refugees-are-controlled-by-the-devil/ And the legal challenge to take her off the ballot is a "globalist ploy for a one world government": https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/marjorie-taylor-greene-says-legal-challenge-to-take-her-off-the-ballot-is-a-globalist-ploy-for-a-one-world-government/ This child had all her hair plucked out in a disturbing Jain ritual https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/this-child-had-all-her-hair-plucked-out-in-a-disturbing-jain-ritual/ The Pope asks what Ukraine was wearing when Putin decided to invade it: https://www.politico.eu/article/pope-francis-nato-cause-ukraine-invasion-russia/ Roger Stone Claims There Is a ‘Satanic Portal’ Over the White House: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/roger-stone-claims-there-is-a-satanic-portal-over-the-white-house/

Warning, you're lucky you're getting anything other than profanity this week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Honey, MySheetsRock, and by the new and far more urgent San Francisco treat, Mifepristoroni. Mifepristoron. I hear it stays good for up to five years. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Zachary from Albuquerque, New Mexico. It's 1 a.m. and like any good law student,

I'm getting down to my readings for class tomorrow. However, as I read an 1823 Supreme Court decision declaring Native Americans as savages

who are unable to own or sell the land they rightfully hold, I am reminded that Supreme Court justices, like us all, did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's May 5th.

And if our internal docket leaked, I'd be in jail right now. Yep, sure would, buddy. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And we're all in Canada. We may not be coming back to Gilead. This is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, James lose the good religion excuse by a hair. Barack Obama lets Joe Biden borrow his demonic portal. That was nice of him. And David Icke starts running out of euphemisms. But first, the diatribe. You're goddamn right, Lucinda's doing the diatribe this week, because Sam Alito may have a gavel, but I've got a hammer of my own, and I'm about ready to take a marble palace down with it. Of course, I'm talking about the draft opinion that Politico published a few days ago, where Sam Alito lays out the rationale for overturning Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey decisions.

These are the two Supreme Court cases that have protected the right to abortion throughout my lifetime and before. They represent 50 years worth of settled law. And while the draft itself isn't final, the vote apparently is. It'll take another month or two for them to make it official, but the constitutional right not to be forced into pregnancy is about to vanish. And if you think this doesn't affect you, well, first of all, you're just wrong. Nobody benefits from living in a society where people can be forced into parenthood. But also, it doesn't fucking matter. Fuck the canary.

This is the coal miner in front of you dropping dead. The same justification they used to overturn this one can and will be used to overturn other vital Supreme Court presidents. So the clock is ticking on things like federally protected gay marriage, federally protected access to contraception, and every single law that puts a check on Christian privilege. This is the thing I've been warning about since literally the very first whim I ever did. People used to complain that I spent too much time talking about abortion rights since, let's face it, they were under no real threat. Sure, the Republicans like to rattle their sabers about it, but it wasn't a fight they actually wanted to win.

Banning abortion would galvanize their opponents and take away their best wedge issue. Lucinda, you're being too paranoid. Lucinda, you're focused on the wrong dangers. Lucinda, you're overstating your case. But I was right, goddammit. The sky was falling all along. And instead of getting to enjoy a good I told you so, I've got to turn right around and start sweeping up all these shards of broken sky on the ground. I mean, you remember during Brett Kavanaugh's tear-filled tirade of confirmation hearing when he cried about how overblown the rhetoric against him was?

You remember the example he used? He said, quote, Democratic opponents of my nomination say people will die if I am confirmed, end quote. And he offered this up as though it were hyperbolic. But his Democratic opponents were right. Make no mistake, people will die because of this. People's lives will be ruined. Innocent people will go to jail. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you look at how flimsy the justification and a leader's decision is, it becomes super clear that nothing is safe from these theocratic activists. So yeah, everything is fucked. The goddamn plane, as the big Lebowski put it, has crashed into the mountain. And that brings us to the hardest part, because I'm already seeing frustration

boil over. I'm already seeing the calls on social media to burn it all down. And I get it. I get why people feel powerless and helpless and violent. But burning it all down isn't a thing. That's just a meaningless series of anger noises. I mean, it's easy to feel impotent at a time like this. And after the last six years, it's easier than ever to feel like voting doesn't matter and raising money for candidates doesn't matter and peaceful protests don't matter. And when you feel like all the official channels are choked off, what is there left for you to do? But the truth is that this all happened at once. This all happened on November 8th, 2016. And it all happened because we were too busy burning it all down to do theinformed people decided that Hillary and Trump were both just as bad.

They ignored women. They ignored the LGBTQ plus community. They ignored people of color. They ignored immigrants. They ignored people of minority faiths. They ignored atheists. And they instead opted for grandiose but ultimately hollow proclamations about burning it all down. They tried to position themselves as somewhat

above mere politics, and in doing so, they showed that they were beneath them. And along the way, they condemned us to decades of judicial extremism. But that's where the glimmer of silver is around this dark cloud. People often make the mistake of thinking that the right is more motivated by this issue than the left, just because they see the right making more noise about it. But that's not true. We haven't been making as much noise of late because we've been winning. But according to Pew Research, 59% of Americans support the right to choose. Hell, according to the latest numbers from the General Social Survey, about a third of Republicans think abortion should be legal for any reason. And when you start talking about cases of rape or danger to the mother's life,

that number gets real close to 90. And look, as bad as this decision is, the Supreme Court isn't saying that it would be unconstitutional to protect abortion rights. They're just saying that the Constitution doesn't do it. They're wrong. It does. But one way or the other, we could still theoretically fix this problem with a federal law. Of course, to do that, we need Democratic senators, and we don't even need that many. Now, every indication right now is that the midterms are going to be a disaster for Democrats. Given the state of the economy, Biden's low approval rating, and the fact that red states with 36 people in them get as many senators as California, every pundit expects the Democrats

to lose seats in the Congress. But that was before this decision leaked. And hopefully that'll be what it takes to remind motherfuckers what happens when we get too lazy to vote for the person who isn't after our rights. Look, we got here because of sexism and apathy. That's what cost us Hillary's presidency and with it, the Supreme Court. The last thing we can afford to do is succumb to the same thing again. There are more abortion supporters than abortion opponents. There are more Democrats than Republicans. There are more women than men. It is too late to fix this moment.

We lost that in 2016, but we can still fix the future. And what's more, we're the only ones that can. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the fuck and fuck to my fuck. Keith Enright and the Eli Bosnick fellas, are you ready to rage? I am. I thought you were going to say ready to fuck, but I am ready to rage. You should have formed an arm

to direction. But before we get going today, I want to remind you that it's May, which means at least for us Matreon, the annual fundraiser where we remind you that the reason that we're able to keep bringing you shows every week is because of our patreon supporters and sorry if it seems insensitive to use this terrible news out of the scotus as a fundraising pitch but it has never been more important for secular voices and secular communities to be butting into the conversation we've got a bunch of fun goals for our annual

patron only pajama party live stream that you can check out on matreon.com and if you'd like to help us achieve them, you can pledge or increase your pledge at Patreon.com slash ScathingAtheist. And speaking of how we pay the bills, it's time to pause for an ad that you wouldn't have to listen to if you were a patron. Hey, podcast listener. You know, when you support us during Matreon,

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Ooh, ooh, maybe we could use ZipRecruiter to replace Don. I will kill us all. Okay, fine. Nevermind then. Love Don. fire oh oh maybe we could use zip recruiter to replace don i will kill us all okay fine never mind then love don and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight drafting the decision that will overturn row isn't the only terrible thing the scotus did this week yes after a lead story last week about what a bunch of terrifying theocrats we have filling up the high court and a diatribe today about the same fucking thing i've got a totally separate lead story that proves it yet again cool yeah and unlike the row one this motherfucker was decided unanimously also incorrectly so this one is the case of a christian nationalist that sued the city of boston for refusing to fly a christian flag on the flagpole

next to the american flag outside of city hall because, you know, there literally could not be a clearer case of government endorsement of religion, which is against the fucking law. And as obvious as that is to you, me and every right thinking human being alive on the goddamn planet, nine out of nine Supreme Court justices disagree. Nine out of nine. How the fuck does this happen? OK, new rule. The Supreme Court has to do all their deliberating

out loud at a crowded bar in new york city and they have to like change their opinion some guy who sounds like carl the pug peg corn makes a good point there you go hey yeah i've said this before and i'll say it again if podcasters are correcting supreme court justices something in the system has broken down yeah or they have to listen if it's it's called fucking pegacorn's like that's fucking dumb they have to be like yeah that is fucking dumb and they have to change them thank you carl so let me back up here a little bit because i i know that before we started doing the show i didn't even know a christian flag was a thing but christianity does have its own flag it's got a blue canton with a red cross in it the rest of

its white they've been using it for over a hundred, and it is every bit as symbolic of Christianity as the fucking crucifix, though a little less familiar, which is why Boston's official response when a vowed Christian nationalist, Harold Shurtleff, asked them to fly it on Constitution Day was come the fuck on, man. But Shurtleff argues that the city has hoisted other flags with religious symbols before like for example the flag of portugal on portuguese pride day what oh yeah because it contains five blue shields which are said to represent the wounds of christ that's fucking dumb well it is but as boston pointed out what that flag represents is portugal the country of portugal yeah yeah he had to admit that when he called it the Portuguese fucking flag. The Christian flag just represents Christianity, and the courts agreed with him all the way up to that bevy of theocrats that are running the show from the top. Okay, but look at all those rectangles you got.

You're worshiping Euclid. You're rabid Euclideanites. This is hypocrisy. Y'all flew the pride flag last week. What are lots of gay people? Christian. Exactly. Religious oppression.

Yeah. So predictably, the Roberts Court's single minded quest to redefine freedom of religion in a way that Kirk Cameron would approve of forced it to side with Shurtleff's absurd contentions in a decision written by the outgoing but not outgoing soon enough Stephen Breyer. The court held that Boston couldn't have a blanket rule that excluded religious groups from flying flags if they were allowing it for other civic groups. And this holds apparently even if that group's fucking flag is just black letters on a white background that reads the American government prefers Christianity. Yeah, sounds like that would count. Sponsored by Jesus. Okay, well, I think our day has finally come.

It's time to make the most offensive rectangle ever created and call it the Atheist Flag, and Boston has to let us put it up by law. There you go. I hate to break it to you, Heath, but that's called the Confederate Flag, and the South already has dibs.

I was thinking, you know, sexually graphic, but yeah, you know. Okay. Now now briar's decision did offer up a convenient loophole he cites a san jose law that says quote flagpoles are not intended to serve as a forum for free expression by the public and that flags are instead considered quote an expression of the city's official sentiments end quote and he says that's okay right so boston never bothered to do this because it's so goddamn obvious that a flag flying in front of City Hall between the American flag and the flag of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is an expression of the city's official sentiment that nobody thought to write it down. This is a textbook example of First Amendment. It's so obvious. What the fuck? Yeah, no, it would be like writing in a requirement that flags couldn't be living things. Why would you specify that?

writing in a requirement that flags couldn't be living things why would you specify that and of course alito cavanaugh gorsuch and thomas all wrote or signed on to concurrences that leaned hard the other way right so yes this one was narrowly decided but there's a very clear indication by the court zealot wing that the next one won't be and in oh that face eating lion club news pretty sure that we're not the only ones planning a trip to Canada right about now. But before you get your hopes up podcast listener I'd like to remind you that crazy Christian

assholery is everywhere. As we learned this week when an Ontario mom was shocked to find out that the Catholic school she was sending her kids to had assigned them an anti-abortion art project for homework. Art? What did they have them do, like draw a picture of the

American flag? Yeah, so as I said, the assignment was an art contest with the theme Unborn Babies Matter. Woof. So, to be clear, not just anti-choice, but implicitly racist in its degradation of the phrase

Black Lives Matter. And students were asked to, quote, draw a picture incorporating the use of this year's theme with the use of pencil, crayons, colored markers, or graphite pencil on an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper. Okay, so if your kids get an assignment like this,

I'm thinking you have the kid go above and beyond you do a shoebox diorama like really do it up and i have some great ideas for what you put in the shoebox some great ideas where those pencils can go to i was gonna say i think they were thinking ahead of us with the pencil crayons colored marco's requirement but like i said apparently rachel l dixon just woke up from a several thousand year coma because she was absolutely shocked to hear that this catholic institution was anti-abortion saying to a local paper quote i understand it's a catholic school and it teaches catholic beliefs but we're living in a day and age when women's rights matter

are we rachel are we was there some other era when they didn't with everything going on in the world i don't think these kids need to have this added on top of it end quote not adding which is why i probably shouldn't have been giving money to this institution for the last eight years yes stop being catholic what are you doing stop grandma and grandpa are about to die anyway. Whatever. Just wait until the last minute on the deathbed. Lean in really close and whisper, we are atheists. Just make them die unhappy. Fun. Yeah. Well, and to be clear, by the way, in Canada, these kinds of schools, Catholic schools like this get public funding. I mean,

I'm dating the episode by implying that in the u.s they don't but but technically they still don't right now so the canadian taxpayers about a third of whom aren't christian are paying for this sure are and look i point this story out for a couple reasons one over the last couple of days the reaction i've seen to the news coming down for the supreme court that i actually find the most disturbing is surprise right now look maybe that's just folks who are mourning and would like to pretend the information is new so that they didn't have to wrestle with it before but that writing's been on the wall and by the wall i mean literally everywhere since 2016 when everyone told us we were overreacting to Trump's election. But two, and much more

importantly, that Catholic school has a public Facebook. I know we have some artists in our audience. You should totally submit your Unborn Babies Matter themed poster. There you go. I hear there's a prize of 50 bucks in it for you. And the public website went down. Yeah. Next up in headlines, Marjorie Taylor Gre green is a member of the u.s house of representatives i pressed the hell out of that insane fact needs to be yelled about more often that's a fact but actually let me start over marjorie taylor green is a domestic terrorist who's a member of the u.s house of representatives and if we had laws that counted for christian people she wouldn't be able to seek re-election pending a lawsuit that very clearly explains how of the U.S. House of Representatives. And if we had laws that counted for Christian people,

she wouldn't be able to seek reelection pending a lawsuit that very clearly explains how she's a domestic terrorist and that means you're not allowed to run for office because of the terrorism. Okay, sorry, one more time. I got this, I got this. We don't have laws for Christian people, so Marjorie Taylor Greene is a domestic terrorist

and a member of U.S. Congress who's going to be allowed to run again even after doing a treason. And she talked again this week in her capacity as a congressperson. MTG is worried that the separation of church and state has eroded in this

country. Stay with me. This will make sense. Not really, but she said that and it will make sense that she said it. She's mad that catholic groups are getting federal funds to help immigrant refugees because that is an evil satan thing to do jesus christ it's it's like the only non-evil thing that the catholic church is doing so of course she's mad about it yep so mtg did an interview with michael voris of church militant they were talking about a group called catholic relief services getting money to help with

resettling refugees and she said quote i thought we had a separation of church and state she thought this is america what it is is satan is controlling the church i love when she traps herself with a word just to say it twice in a row really awkwardly like that. She'll keep doing that. Continuing, the church is not adhering to the teachings of Christ. We're supposed to love one another, but their definition of what love one another means

means destroying our laws. It means completely perverting what our constitution says. It means taking unreal advantage of the American taxpayer. And it means pushing a globalist policy on the American people, end quote. If she didn't think hypocrisy was a semi-aquatic African mammal, I'd say we were getting somewhere. She thinks semi-aquatic is a truck too. So to be clear, she thinks that churches shouldn't get state money if she personally disagrees with them. Yep.

I mean, it tracks. It's just weird to hear her say it. You know, it's just weird. Okay, so here's the proposed solution from MTG. She wants to withhold aid money from any country that has people coming to the U.S. because she thinks immigrants are being sent by their country of origin and we could incentivize them to stop sending people. And then she directly addressed Guatemala

as if Guatemala, like the country, was listening to her talk. She said, quote, Oh, I'm sorry, Guatemala. You're not getting a check this year because you've sent X number of thousands and tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands and millions of people to illegally invade our country as if they're an army. Oh, yeah. Fucking nothing chokes off immigration like further impoverishing a country. Also, millions of Guatemalans would be at least

one-eighth of the country's entire population i feel like we have fewer than that yeah i like that mtg doesn't understand enough about economic policy to successfully run a subway sandwich shop but is a sitting congressperson that's a good feeling right and on that note we're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week honey today's episode is sponsored by honey the easy way to save when you're shopping on your iphone or computer hi i'm eli bosdick you know when you pledge to support our show during matron you're not just supporting what we do you're also preventing what we don't do that's's right. Take, for example, Coupon Craig, an internet coupon salesman whose troubling use of AAVE requires him to be kept

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and applies the best one it finds to your cart. Imagine you're shopping on one of your favorite sites. When you check out, the Honey button appears, and all you have to do is click Apply Coupons. Wait a few seconds as Honey searches for coupons it can find for that site. If Honey finds a working coupon, you'll watch the prices drop. I used Honey to save a bunch of money on baby stuff, gift baskets for the holidays, and even just for my everyday online shopping. And Honey doesn't just work on desktop. It also works on your iPhone too. Just activate it on Safari on your phone and save on the go.

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Dogecoin shimmy shammy. Oh, God. Right? And we're back. And in Run Jane Run news, when you say stuff like, all religion is bad for a living, you get reminded of Jains,

a supposedly ultimately pacifistic religion mostly practiced in india a lot but like all things religious a casual google reveals that jainism is chock full of bad ideas bullshit and abusive ideas too and the western world got a shocking reminder of that this week when a video of an eight-year-old girl having her hair plucked out went viral because it's part of a ceremony of entering the faith. Okay, cool. You guys going to go pray for world peace? Yeah, awesome.

Jainism, that's her thing. I just have to pluck each individual hair out of the head of an eight-year-old child, and then I'll meet you at the temple. Yeah. World peace? Is it better than what Muslims pluck out of eight-year-old girls? Yes, yes, but that's a long way from saying that it isn't bad. Exactly.

And it actually gets worse. See, if all this kid had to do was literally tear the hair out of her head, it would still be abusive and terrifying. But she's becoming a nun, which means when they're done tearing the hair out of her head, she has to give up all her worldly possessions, which includes her family. out of her head she has to give up all her worldly possessions which includes her family and now she has to live wherever the heck her religion tells her to with no support network usually in the homes of strangers for the rest of her life no yeah i get it like eight-year-olds often have a clear and concise idea of what they want to do with their entire lives right yeah for example when i was eight i already knew i wanted to be a dig dug when i grew up and i wanted to be just like joe rogan one night made it now if you're wondering how her family feels about this torturing and losing their daughter well this is

religion so of course the answer is super duper proud this is what her dad had to say when interviewed quote she was tested by her gurus and they found her eligible to become a monk she spent nearly two years with monks and will now live her life in monkhood she refused mobile phone precious gifts and clothes she sat on a nine-day fast with a demand for diksha about five months ago my entire family feels proud that a girl from our family is renouncing the materialistic world end quote oh you you starved her for a week and a half too good i was starting to worry you weren't committed to the bit yeah and look we really don't like to talk about kids getting hurt on this show it's icky it's really fucking hard to make jokes about but i think this story is worth bringing the mood down a bit because i guarantee you 99% of our audience had no fucking idea that Jane priests have to hand pluck their scalps to join until they heard about it just now.

And I got to tell you, neither to the assholes who throw Janes out there as a political prop about why their groovy church is fine, actually, because self-harm is abso-fucking-lutely still harm. Yep. And I have yet to see a religion that doesn't include a heavy dose of that. Fucking religions are dangerous in direct proportion to how much power they wield. If there was a J-nation, it would be a terrible religion like all the other ones. Mm-hmm. And in Blame It On Ukraine news tonight, Vladimir Putin may have picked up

another powerful apologist for his monstrous invasion of Ukraine this week in the form of Pope Francis of Adan himself. Ha, he found a new one. In an interview with the Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera, he channeled his best very fine people on both sides and admitted that while Putin's invasion

is murderous to the point of borderline genocide ukraine was wearing a pretty skimpy nato alignment when it happens so you know plenty of blame to go around okay he did tell ukraine to go wait in the truck next time go wait in the truck yeah yeah oh man who would have thought the office of blessing adolf hitler's political ceremonies would be on the wrong side on this one? It's crazy. Yeah, you and Susan Collins both are so surprised this week. The pope said in my office.

So, yeah, the statement here basically echoed the familiar line that we've seen out of countless Russian stooges in America. The idea that NATO was provoking Russia by inching ever closer to their borders and that Putin, much like a cornered animal, had no choice but to fight back. And this is nonsense in a couple of ways. I mean, first of all, fucking Turkey joined NATO in 1952, and that was on the border of Russia at the time or the USSR at the time. But also the whole fucking point of NATO is to counteract the threat of Russian aggression. Being at or near their border is kind of integral to that mission. And on top of that, the implication is that defending against a thing is the same as provoking that thing, which would be like telling the victims of a home invasion it was their own fault for locking their fucking doors. Yeah, it's like telling Christians they have laws that count for them in America.

It's persecution to do that yeah and also if your response to someone gathering on your border is to invade them you're doing defense wrong sure are what does he want to inch back does it like nato should move the countries away what what does this even mean now if you're inclined to give the head of the international rape cabal the benefit of the doubt which to be clear you shouldn't you could excuse it as an insincere olive branch that he was publicly offering to putin in the hopes of inching the combatants closer to peace right like this statement did come during an interview about how the pope was trying to get a sit-down meeting with putin in hopes of brokering some kind of

peace treaty but since that doesn't appear to be on the table at all what really happened is that the head of the world's largest church parroted moscow's propaganda and undermined the international effort to hold russia accountable for starting an unprovoked war just another useful fact to keep in your back pocket next time somebody tells you about how this one is the good pope and finally tonight roger stone appeared on the elijah streams show last week i guess they couldn't book kat kerr this time around she was busy riding a lava flow in heaven or beating the shit out of a leprechaun or whatever she does okay i would watch kat kerr fight a leprechaun on pay-per-view i just want to throw that out absolutely so in case anyone's not familiar with elijah streams everything i just mentioned actually makes

sense and was part of their show in the past when they have kat kuran she's a prophetess and their mission statement at elijah streams is to find and publish the most credible prophetic words possible i mean technically they're succeeding. Yeah, I was gonna say. Yeah. And that includes the interview with Roger Stone, during which the convicted felon explained that a satanic portal appeared over the White House right after Joe Biden took office

and it's still there. Sorry, Heath. I hate to argue with you on air, but Kat Kerr never said there were leprechauns in heaven. She said they were seeing shamrocks. Take it serious. Come on, man. Sorry.

Apologies all around, Cat. I misquoted you. So here's what Roger Stone had to say about the satanic portal. Quote, it's like a swirling cauldron. I've tried to find some natural explanation, a reflection or an aerostat balloon for weather. No. a reflection or an aerostat balloon for weather no so if you're thinking hey roger stone pictures or get the fuck out don't worry he has it covered he brought the photographic evidence and they showed it on the screen during their show i pasted that photo into the notes so you guys can see the

very clear satanic portable it's the fuzzy orange thing in the big orange circle that they made fuzzy round orange thing in the night sky i guess the moon is probably hiding behind it which is why we can't see the moon in this picture i know this is an audio medium so podcast listener that is very fucking clearly the moon but if honestly if roger stone doesn't know what the moon is, it's only like top 10 craziest things he believes. So he's a moon denier. That's not out of the question. So they bring up the photo and Roger Stone says, it's very, very clear. It doesn't move day or night.

It's harder to see during the day, but you see it at night. And I'm convinced about the inherent evil of what's going on in the White House. And I think it's imperative that people of good faith and Christians, I like that he separated those two things, people of good faith and Christians know about this. And we begin a national prayer assault to close the portal. I don't know exactly what the plan is, but I do know that closing this portal is crucial to victory. This is not some practical joke. This isn't some conspiracy theory.

It's a satanic portal. It's access to this earth by those who are evil, and only by closing it will we be successful in saving this nation under God. End quote. Or I took the wrong meds and forgot I'm not a character from season two of Stranger Things again. It's one of those two things, probably.

America right now is just taking all of our Alzheimer's grandpas and putting them on TV. That's the whole nation right now is that. Fox News.

Or putting them on the Supreme Court. Yeah. So yeah, it's very clearly a satanic portal. I mean, they don't know that, but it is. I do have some questions about how Satan is running the show.

Just off the top of my head, I feel like you put that anywhere else, right? Right, yeah. Like inside the building? Yeah, but yeah. Not right over the White House. And now that it got exposed, we're going to have to shut it down. I feel like we're going to have to shut it down. And it's a perfectly good portal.

I'm sure it took a bunch of work i'm just saying satan if you're listening just you know shoot us a quick text before you do any big magic stuff we'll walk it through we'll workshop some ideas and we'll make sure you don't get foiled by roger stone next time it's embarrassing for all of us you're embarrassing us i i love the thought that there's just this huge pile of dead demons on the white house roof who didn't realize that there was going to be a drop. Janitors pushing them along with a broom. We got to build a platform or something. It's hard to scoop.

They're falling apart. Well, that seems to be as good a closing image as any. So I suppose we could wrap up the headlines right there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too much. And when we come back, Heath and Eli will reject my claims of having adult onset illiteracy. Ha ha ha ha.

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slash scathing code scathing. Okay, so we're very sorry, MySheetsRock. Please, please come back to us we won't let him make any more websites we promise you can't stop me from doing that my sheet okay for the first five chapters of david ike Everything You Need to Know But Have Never Been Told, you had to kind of read between the lines to find the anti-Semitism. I'm not saying it was subtle, but it was hidden behind the fig leaf of euphemism.

But I guess confident that by page 200, his aimless verbosity would have scared off all but the most committed adherents, he kicks the anti-Semitism into a higher gear on this week's edition of Everything You Need to Know. So he's going to start this chapter by pointing out that he's been warning for years against specific bloodlines. Yeah, subtle. And then he tries to do a disclaimer, but he does disclaimer backwards.

Yeah. He's like,'s like okay yeah that might sound like i'm talking about jewish people that that would be offensive i mean black people too look at this picture of barack obama and how you can see him morphing into a lizard alien if you look at his face for long enough that's what happens next in the book does it kind of feel to you guys like he's doing the racism version of crowd work, right? And he's just realizing his audience is the perfect amount of drunk. He's like, oh, shit. And who's fucking tonight? Yeah, right.

So, yeah. So he explains how the reptile alien Illuminati is shape shifting powers work. It's just like in that documentary, The Exorcist. I'm going to say it again. My pet theory that David ike thinks all movies are real gets more and more solid each day okay yeah and we learned that causes of shape-shifting may include ritual blood fests fury and also just doing it just doing it that was an embarrassing day when they figured out you can just do it right one of them was like guys okay i know we

we stole all these Christian babies, and we're doing the blood and eyeballs thing, but check it out. I could just be a demon lizard and a bat. It's so easy. We don't have to do all this. By the way, credit where credit is due, our Contic Hybrid Software Bloodline Network is the most convoluted way of not quite seeing Jews that I've ever encountered.

So another record for you, David. So I'm not being clear. Our contact hybrid software bloodline network from New York. Very funny. Yeah. Globalist our contact hybrid. Yeah,

exactly. And we learned here that they have no empathy. Yeah. Trust me. These lizards are bad. They would like write a series of books dehumanizing an entire group of people and inspiring a tremendous percentage

of conspiracy bullshit in the world today. That's how bad these lizards are, people. Trust me. And then he goes back to his fucking pseudo pun about the L-Eat because L is a... What's the L? It's a word for God. It's the Elohim.

Oh, nailed it. Yeah. Sorry, David. I didn't realize how clever that was. Yeah. So it turns out that the elite have a lot of traits, but most of them seem to boil down to thinking David Icke's books are stupid. Wait a second, guys.

I am sluggish after large meals. This is all coming together. Oh, that's true. And we learn here that the illuminati need the alien human hybrids he keeps talking about because apparently they have the power to take them over agent smith style yep and this is one of the many times we get to watch an author take a really big swing and a miss at a metaphor he says bloodline software programs act as middlemen and women between archontic reptilians and the frequency band

of human society and then there might as well be a note in the margin from an editor that's like what and i said after that so you know the scientists who use the gloves that go through the wall of like the hazmat tank i drew a picture of that it's's Jewish lizards playing chess through the... Can we cut? What? Can you cut? I lost my metaphor. And you can hear him like starting to hang up the dog whistle at this point.

He references how the divine right to rule comes from Old Testament God. At this point, he's just a Styx cover band playing the first few notes a lady before moving on to the next song and then he added the phrase God's chosen again just in case it wasn't clear he just puts down the whistle and he's like

Jews Jewish people are lizard aliens is what I'm saying out loud directly and also by the way to bolster his point he points out that plenty of pre-scientific people also thought kings were human lizard hybrids not quite the slam dunk you think it is davey honestly throughout this book he will constantly be like and it's crazy how people who were wrong about literally everything else from germ theory to space were just dead fucking on about this huh right it's crazy ah and then he's going to explain how the illuminati works

don't worry he's going to use the super original analogy of the web of a spider and the web by the way it's so secret that even the people running it don't know they're running it and he has to do this because like somebody's cousin frank or whatever keeps telling him no man i'm in a freemason lodge we mostly just do clam bakes and stuff right you can't let that disprove his conspiracy okay so he's saying they set up a giant conspiracy and somebody was like hey we should have a bunch of people just doing clam bakes and stuff it'll be suspicious and also not helpful i'm a demon lizard this is my idea okay i want to talk to the demon lizard who got stuck running the clam bake section section of the giant Illuminati. Who did that guy hit on at a Christmas party that he's like, ah, god damn.

Oh no, we're doing another thing at the Senior Center. Cool. So yeah, but we learned that the more secret the secret society, the closer it is to the spider, which is the central Illuminati thing. Guys, continuing on my idea about the

Clambakes and stuff, I was thinking we make the whole thing a literal web shape with the Clambakes and stuff on the edge and then it's better? I also, again, talk about a swing and a miss and an analogy. Figures 280 and 281 show us that it's kind of like a pyramid built on

other pyramids. That's so stupid. It's still peritimal. How are the little pyramids adding to your analogy, you fucking idiot? What if the coffee table book folds out

into a tiny little coffee table? It's less useful than that. So then he introduces a series of scary sounding groups that he calls the round

table, because I guess even David Icke's readers would scoff if he said Illuminati here. I feel like it's less that they'd scoff at the illuminati and more that they want the expanded universe okay you know no that's fair he does actually say illuminati later so the round table which he symbolizes with a six-pointed star yikes so close apparently owns israel yeah dog whistles are just getting louder every page you guys yeah again he's like sorry star. Yikes. So close. Apparently owns Israel. Yeah, dog whistles are just getting louder every page, you guys.

Again, he's like, sorry, Rothschild family, to be clear. They're Jewish. They're a Jewish family. Remind me, how is the whistle helpful again? Why do I have the whistle? And he also, like, out of nowhere, he starts telling us about the satanic pedophile mafia

that runs his hometown yes one of my favorite things about david ike is that he always adds one scary word too many that turns his thing into hilarious nonsense yes right he'll be like there's a blood cult baseball team what now it seems silly and of course we learned that the ancient knowledge of the noble savage was stolen by the illuminati yeah so if you think about it david ike is too woke everybody that's the problem and this is where i think he just hangs the whistle up altogether right the next heading in the book is called Sabbatean Zionism. And don't worry, though.

Figure 285 shows us that some of his best Jews are anti-Zionist, really. Okay, I think he's saying that Israel doesn't count because the Holocaust happened to Jewish people who aren't descended from ancient Israel specifically. Yes. israel specifically yes so so he'd be cool with lizard demon zionism if modern israel was in like azerbaijan instead yes i'm honestly just impressed that the holocaust is still real according to this book at this moment like we're only on chapter six yeah we'll see how it goes but right now it's it's real to him again a reoccurring theme of reading this book. It's been me wondering to myself, I wonder how many people he lost by accidentally admitting that thing was real just now. Some.

The answer is non-zero. But he does say that most Jews don't even know that their ethnic identity is an Illuminati front, so it's not anti-Semitic anymore. Yeah, we'll have most of the Jewish people doing clambakes and stuff. They like shellfish, right? You know, if I were a lesser man, I'd point out that everyone who yelled at me last year

for pointing out they're not Jewish anymore is using the same arguments as David Icke is in this book, but I won't because I'm a gentleman and a scholar. I bet that goes very well for you. I was wrong about that. And Ethan Wright. So he literally tries to defend himself from charges of anti-Semitism by pointing out that only some Jews control banking in Hollywood. Not all of them. I don't always like Jewish people.

But when I do, I prefer the poor ones. What the fuck? Okay. It's so bad. He talks about Ataturk and says that some people believe he was jewish and i think i think it's more accurate to say he was accused of being yeah jewish to like delegitimize turkish rule in islamic aries you might as well say he was found not guilty of being and then from there he's like you know who else thinks israel shouldn't count because of what i just explained jewish scientist albert einstein maybe you heard of him he's from new york

jewish yeah he says that today's satanism is an outgrowth of sabbatian judaism so yes he just drew a direct line between judaism and satanism and that's satanism of course of the david eich q anon bullshit variety. Right. And at this point, you're probably wondering, does David Icke literally use the term crypto Jew to describe Satanist Jewish Muslim, but really Jewish people who do evil demon magic? And yes, he does. Yes, he does.

Yeah. I mean, to be fair, I use the term crypto Jew to mean Heath's friend that I like the least. So the phrase itself isn't the issue. So I should probably be clear that the term crypto Jew is a self-applied term for Jewish people who pretend to convert to Islam or Catholicism to avoid dying in theocracies, but secretly retain their genetic condition. Sure. Can I still use it my way, though? Yeah, you could.

Absolutely. I just don't think David Icke should say it. I don't think he should say it. David Icke should get a bunch of normal words that he just can't say it's like a game of taboo for him exactly so yeah he closes his section on zionism with the words quote this network manipulates global governments banking corporations media and entertainment industry end quote it's always weird to me that in these conspiracies the jews need to control money politics and the direction of the marvel cinematic universe that's the key and now we wait and given how much care and sensitivity he gave to the last heading i'm sure that he's going to do a great job with the next subheading, where ISIS really came from.

Oh, all right. In the opening sentence, the Jews seize control of the Vatican at some point in history. Yikes. And hey, can I just say, pretty fucking impressive. That's a tough gig to get for a Catholic.

Right, yikes. Yeah, so ISIS came from Zionist Muslims muslims yes sir that is where he goes okay okay and then the vatican helped the nazis because that's that's the perfect cover yep is that what he's saying and yes that is what he's saying everything that doesn't make sense it's just like perfect cover yeah that's conspiracypiracy theory playbook. So now apparently the goal, their goal is to destroy all the other religions, leaving only Sabbatean Frankism, which is Satanism, which is Wahhabism. But that already controls all the world's religions. Yeah. In his thing.

I feel like that's got to be a bunch of the meetings with the inner circle of the web. Some guy being like, OK, we already run run everything why are we setting up new plots we have we have it we got the marvel cinematic universe we're fucking nailing it what do we do it feels like doing 9-11 that's a whole thing you're saying do a 9-11 that's a lot yeah also side note that was obviously a joke but i just did a control f on 9-11 to check that book oh no we have 58 mentions coming up of 9-11 can i say surprisingly lower than i thought right and at this point in the book by the way ike is citing an unsourced document quoted in an anonymous autobiography that claims wahhabism was created by the British Empire to undermine Islam. That is the fucking

the intellectual chain of custody here is just astonishing. I want to be at that first meeting though, right? Just, hello fellow Muslims. Do I have a proposal for you? I mean us. We're going to love it. Hear me out everybody.

We learned here that the Saudi royal family are also crypto Jews. Jesus Christ. Okay. That one really is the perfect cover. You got it. Yeah. We'll never see it coming. Yeah.

So to be clear, a common tactic to discredit anyone in the Islamic world is to accuse them of like secretly having a Jewish lineage. So the fact that he can dig that claim up about every prominent Muslim ever in history is not particularly noteworthy. Right. Every American woman's a communist witch. I checked. Right. No, that's not helpful.

Right. And then he has this whole like, you know, why else would Britain and the U.S. support the Saudi family no matter what horrible shit they do? And I'm like, I have a theory that doesn't require invoking shape-shifting hologram lizards from Saturn bro okay is the reason by any chance the same reason an aging

soccer player with absolutely no other life skills would write a book about shape-shifting hologram lizards from Saturn is it that well now Keith now you've confused me David Ike wrote his books for cheap oil you can buy cheap oil. You can buy cheap oil with the money, I guess.

And in case you thought for a second that it wasn't going to get worse, the next heading is titled, Archontic Reptilian Pedophiles. Cool. And I'm like, yeah, what harm could possibly come from telling people that the key to fighting child sex abuse is rooting out the reptile Jew aliens in their government? Okay, real quote from this section. He says, I spent 1996 to 2006 intensely researching elite pedophilia, Satanism, and mind control, which are all connected.

Okay, that's a real sentence if somebody writes that sentence don't write that sentence don't write something terribly wrong in your life okay is elite pedophilia people who are really good at fucking kids or yeah or like they don't count baseball coaches he's talking about skill it feels like so he bolsters his credibility by the way by quoting a clairvoyant who says they can't see any light emitting from hillary's heart chakra he's got us there i also can't see any light from hillary's heart chakra hillary clinton was an example tony blair was another example here yep so you guys you guys remember when Princess Diana died and Tony Blair gave that speech and he was like, this is tragedy. The royal family did not kill her people's princess.

Just no emotion in the tone. And that's typical of Jewish reptile demons. I'm pretty sure that's the point he made there. Yes, it is. The point. Yeah. He also I know this is a small thing, but he refers to Jimmy Savile

as a record-breaking pedophile. And I'm like, what? Who's keeping these records? What are they? David Eichnoe, pay attention. He researched for years.

For years. The pedophile was DiMaggio-esque. I have a weird job. Okay. Pretty weird job. He even offers, this is so fucked up, he offers up a caveat like, Maggio-esque. I have a weird job. Okay. Pretty weird job. He even offers, this is so fucked up.

He offers up a caveat like, be leery of organizations dedicated to fighting child sex trafficking since they're probably in on it. Okay. So is he saying an organization needs to be like just medium meh about child sex trafficking or else they're a suspect? Yes. Yeah. I think so. And yet he doesn't trust the Catholic Church. this guy makes no sense i tell you no sense at all and okay so then he

really digs into the jimmy seville scandal now keep in mind that he's essentially doing this guy a favor right he's forgiving this guy's vicious immorality by blaming it on imaginary jewish lizard aliens that live inside the earth. Sure is. Right. While excusing the very real also not aliens who covered up for him. Yes. Right.

He also, he tells us that George Bush Sr. was a major pedophile. I mean, how else could he have run the CIA? Also, Bush Sr. didn't like broccoli, famously. You know who else didn't like broccoli? Kids. Yep. So, you know what bothers me i shouldn't have to do the homework for david ike like take it seriously he didn't do that broccoli thing oh so i love how he hedges his bets when he brings up pizza gate right he's like i can neither confirm nor deny it might be true i don't know he said i haven't

investigated this deeply enough where the fuck is that line where does it go to be clear the research he would need to do is does that pizza parlor have a basement i would do it oh god we learned that satanic pedophiles run hollywood and i'm like i think it's just regular pedophiles guys i I mean, you're, you're probably half right. I don't know. Someone's making love Island. No, that's true.

He also tells us that Angelina Jolie had to kill a snake to join the, the satanic cult. And I'm like, that's such a weird thing for like reptilians to make you do right. Perfect cover. Yeah. It's their own version of child sacrifice. Now.

Yeah. Tied it together. And then we learn that Satanism and pedophilia are intrinsically linked according to Ike again. Okay, he says, I have rarely come across an elite pedophile that was not connected, at least in some way,

to Satanism. So, okay. At some point, David Ike was talking to an elite pedophile, first of all, and David Icke was like, okay, so you're saying nothing about Satanism in your life. All right, get out of here, you scamp. You're fucking up my data set. It's almost all of you. Weird.

At this point in the book, does anyone else want to be like, hey, David Icke, how many elite pedophiles do you know? Also, how many medium pedophiles? And know? Also, how many medium pedophiles? And what do you mean by that when you rank them? Okay, all right. It sounds like you guys are dismissing his claims, but hey, a lot of crimes did happen on similar dates. This is true. Yeah, the special days for demon crime are based on, quote,

the astrological sequences of the ancients, according to David Icke. And that includes late October, early November, March 19th to March 22nd, May 1st, the middle-ish part of April ballpark-ish, and all the days that are the 22nd on the Gregorian calendar of the ancients. Okay. The fuck are you talking about? But now I'm picturing Jew, lizard, alien, ISIS people. Like they come up with a really great idea on December 23rd. And they're like, okay, fuck. We got to wait till after Christmas and Valentine's Day. Do you want to backpack through Europe?

Because we got some time to kill. We got three months. And then he digs into the real heart of satanic pedophile lizard demons. And those, of course, are the secret messages that they hide in music videos. And just to make sure he keeps it topical, by the way, the first example he uses

is Michael Jackson's thriller. I mean, he needed an example of a pedophile. I get it. That's fair. Yeah. Michael Jackson's thriller. I mean, he needed an example of a pedophile. I get it. No, that's fair. Yeah, Michael Jackson had snake eyes for a second during that video. So, David, why have you not made a music video

with you dancing and wearing, like, mongoose eyes? That's like the opposite of a snake. Just get your head in the game. I had to do the broccoli homework for you, too. Come on. Counteract it. Serious. He says 12% of people in America

are Satanists. His source, by the way, is, I've heard the claim that. Oh, sure. But when I use that as my source, Noah and Heath start writing nasty comments in the show notes. Yeah. And then, of course, we learn, finally, that they sacrifice their children

for their blood and their, wait for it, adrenaline. Oh for it adrenaline we did it same guy from the meeting from before okay i'll do 9-11 but adults have bigger adrenal glands kids in the blood rituals they're doing this wrong all right so with the teaser going full q anon still lingering i guess we'll close the book for a bit, but we'll crack it open again next month with even more Everything You Need to Know. Before we close the cabin doors this week, I want to remind you that you still have just a little bit of time left to pick up tickets for our live show in Toronto this weekend. Check out GodawfulMoviesLive.com for more information or just check the show notes for a handy dandy link. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more of Kate White.

They'll be able to look up for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show,awful Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a disappointment to my generations if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for not rage-quitting America before the record. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for agreeing to leave his manifesto out of today's record, and I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for articulating our rage this week. I also need to thank Zachary from Albuquerque for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Apparently, he recorded that back in 2019 and sent it to me in August of last year,

but it couldn't have been more topical. Also, he asked me to promote his favorite cat rescue, which you will find linked in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Kellen, Alistair, Alex, Edward, Bathatrice, Benjamin, Callan, Jeff, Lukia, Jazzy Bear, Tanya, Tweaks, Volvos are awesome, James, Matthew, Chris, and Jennifer and Felix, who are too spicy for white folks. Together, these

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