The Scathing Atheist - 482: Fool On Parade Edition

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

In this week’s episode, The Supreme Court demands privacy while they destroy your right to it, the GOP does linear algebra on cum vectors to define baby murder, and Heath will once again answer the age old question of “What’s that smell?” --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist See how Maytreon is going here: https://elibosnick.wixsite.com/my-site To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Christians Freak out over Roe Vs. Wade Leak: https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1521494325930217473 https://mariomurillo.org/2022/05/03/the-good-news-rove-v-wade-will-be-overturned-the-bad-news-the-evil-way-we-found-out/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2022/05/04/faith-leaders-react-scotus-leak-abortion/ Satanic Temple files flag request with Boston: https://religionnews.com/2022/05/06/satanic-temple-follows-judeo-christian-groups-scotus-win-with-flag-request/ GOP Senate candidate admits he wants to block access to birth control: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/gop-senate-candidate-admits-he-wants-to-block-access-to-birth-control/ Kansas votes to remove “In God We Trust” from police cruisers: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/a-rural-kansas-town-voted-to-remove-in-god-we-trust-from-police-cars/ A teacher tore down a non-Christian verse on her classroom ‘prayer wall’: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/a-teacher-tore-down-a-non-christian-verse-on-her-classroom-prayer-wall/ Georgia Guv Candidate Builds Campaign on Demolition of ‘Satanic’ Tablets: https://www.thedailybeast.com/kandiss-taylor-georgia-candidate-for-governor-builds-campaign-on-demolition-of-satanic-tablets --- This Week in Misogyny: Afghan women push back against veil mandate: https://religionnews.com/2022/05/08/anger-among-afghan-women-as-face-veil-edict-splits-taliban/ Woman at Christian College expelled for being sexually assaulted: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/visible-music-college-rape-complaint-rcna26418

Warning, this week's episode contains thought crimes, also profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Allbirds, Adam and Eve, and by the new backwards running wristwatch for today's America, the Chapel Watch. The Chapel Watch, taking the smart out of a smartwatch. And now, The Scathing Atheist. I'm Matthew Austin, and as a resident of Britain, birthplace of Charles Darwin, and also home of Brexit and Boris bloody Johnson, I can assure you

we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Though some of us haven't evolved that far, apparently. it's thursday it's may 12th. And it's International Respect for Chickens Month. Absolutely. Respect the cluck out of those chickens. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. Cluck. I'm Heath Enright. And from Samuel Alitos, New Jersey, Hanover, Michigan, and Waco, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, the Supreme Court demands privacy while they destroy your right to it. The GOP does linear algebra on cum vectors to define baby murder. And Heath will once again answer the age-old question of, what's that smell?

But first, the diatribe. So Andrew, Lucinda, and I are walking around downtown Ontario in an increasingly frenzied effort to get a professionally administered COVID test. You need one to fly back to the U.S., and though we were led to believe it was going to be easy to do at any pharmacy in the city, we were finding that not to be the case. This one couldn't get us in until the next day. This one didn't administer tests on the weekends. This one's pharmacist got killed by a moose that very morning. And the whole time, the clock is ticking ever closer to the time that we've got to be at the fucking theater to set up for the show.

Finally, we find a place that can get us in in half an hour, and then we've got to wait 20 minutes for the results. So we get our results, negative, hooray, but we're up against it time wise. So we're practically jogging back to the hotel. And as though we were trapped in a goddamn sitcom, suddenly a parade shows up out of nowhere and blocks the route to our hotel for a dozen blocks in either direction. Now, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't just barge through the middle of a parade. I lived in New York City for almost a decade. As Jon Stewart once said, New York's is a parade based economy. I'm used to finding my way around giant lines of obstruction. But in this instance, A, I was in a super big fucking hurry and b

the parade was a full-on gong celebration of world full-on day that's actually tomorrow though so i guess this was the only time that they could get permission to block their streets anyway it doesn't matter i was damned if i was going to be late to my own show out of respect for a fucking weird ass alien cult of homophobic fascists, so we just push through the fucking parade. Now, of course, I'm fully expecting to unleash the floodgate. Like, generally, in situations like this, as soon as one guy does it, everybody does it. Or at least that's how it works in the good old U.S. of A.

But we weren't in the U.S. of A. We were in Canada, a country that, at least in my experience, lives up to its reputation for politeness. So instead of that, I just got a bunch of people giving me that, I bet he's an American look. And a quick glance around, it's obvious why, right? Like, I know what Falun Gong is. They don't. You know, they just see a bunch of Chinese people celebrating a holiday they've never heard of,

carrying signs that say, stop Chinese communism, and handing out pamphlets about proper proper breathing techniques they see some exotic ceremony that highlights the diversity of their city and they relish the opportunity for cultural exposure that it provides and then they see me as some insensitive american jackass who can't spare five minutes to respect another nation's tradition now my first instinct was to fucking plead my case right i just wanted to scream out it's okay to disrespect them. They're a crazy ass cult that forbids their followers from using medicine and says that Donald Trump is a literal angel from heaven. But I can't because I'm in a hurry. So I just walk away looking like an asshole because I was the more informed party. And later on, as we're Ubering

to the venue, it occurred to me how that single moment is sort of a perfect encapsulation of my entire fucking career. Hell, it's a pretty fitting metaphor for all of atheist activism, if you think about it. Society tells us to be respectful of everyone's beliefs, but we know enough to see the harm in doing so. And of course, because the people selling the bullshit religions also have their hands on the cultural steering wheel, we're always left looking like assholes and wishing that we had more one-on-one time to explain ourselves. I mean, full-on gong is about as far from harmless as a religion can get. These are the motherfuckers behind the epic times. We're talking about a faith whose adherents are constantly dying of treatable illnesses

out of a sense of piety. Their leader claims to be a psychic god-man that can enter into into his followers minds and punish them in the afterlife for doubting him but none of that shit was on the fucking pamphlet of course right like their public facing side is all about the importance of stillness and good posture and shit now to be clear i'm not saying that all religions are the same as this dangerous cult yes they are all dangerous they're not equally dangerous and they're not dangerous in the same way. The distinction between a cult and a religion is very important, even if we should be fighting against both. All that being said, this particular strategy is hardly unique to cults. Yeah, I remember when I was a kid, the Mormons used to run these TV commercials about the

importance of forgiveness and shit, right? Like dude would spray a bicyclist with mud as drove by, and then the bicyclist happens by him broken down up the road and helps him fix his car anyway. And that's the end. It would just say, like, you know, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Now, I didn't know how desperately that church needed to massage its image at that time. I was just a kid. But reflecting back on it now, the ads damn near ended saying, see, we're more than just polygamy. We're regular Christian stuff, too. And for some reason, this shit works on people. And not just dumb fucking people.

People who are savvy enough to see around the crumbs of philanthropy that billionaires sweep off their table now and again. People shrewd enough to divide the billion that Walmart gave to charity last year by the 572 billion it didn't people who fully recognize that bp changing to a green logo didn't improve the fucking environment somehow these same people we hear us talking about the harm that church is doing they'll say but what about the money they raise for the homeless who fucking cares that's image enhancing bullshit at the periphery of their faith and those same people would hear me make this point and try to argue that I'm talking about two distinct groups of people. Right. The religious people that do the harm and the ones that do the good. But if the latter empowers the former, why would it even matter? Yeah, I feel like the person in charge of coordinating Wal-Mart's charitable donations.

That's probably a genuinely good person who takes a lot of pride in their work and really believes in what they're doing. But so fucking what? But even that is being too kind to religion because at least Walmart actually gives away the fucking money. But the churches that preach about forgiveness and acceptance and universal love are the very same churches that ostracize LGBTQ people, demonize immigrants and otherize everybody else. their outward focus on charity and good works is the hold message telling you that the call they're ignoring is very important to them and for way too many people no amount of evidence to the contrary will ever convince them otherwise joining me for headlines tonight on the nocturnal and diurnal to micropuscular Heath Edright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to make a day of it?

You know what? I rotated around. I'm actually doing the Da Vinci system right now. Going pretty great. I'm also reading lots of David Foster Wallace, just so everybody knows. I'm the fucking worst. Sorry. I don't know why I say things like that. Sorry. I'm the fucking worst. Sorry. I don't know why I say things like that. Sorry. I was just going to say,

I feel like if your language ends up with diurnal, meaning daytime, you should scrap it and start over, right? Something's going wrong. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons why we should just... And before we move on, of course, I want to remind everybody once more that we're right in the middle of our Matrion pledge drive. This is the time of year where we remind everybody that the reason we're

still here nine years on is because of our Patreon donors so if you want longer shows optional ads bonus content and access to our exclusive patron only annual pajama party live stream now would be a great time to pledge or increase your pledge check the show notes for links to more information and with that pitch out of the way it's time for another pitch this time from our first sponsor this week stamps.amps.com. I'm telling you, dude, they taste just like beef jerky. No, they don't. Stop saying things taste just like things they don't taste like.

Hey, guys. How much you doing? Eli's planning to poison us. No. No, I'm not. I'm just getting ready for the Matreon vegan snack tasting. Like I said. Oh, you mean the Matreon goal where if we get enough new and upgrading members, Heath and I have to do a vegan snack tasting?

We agree to that. That's right. I'm shipping them to the house now so I don't accidentally get hungry and eat them. What I can't figure out, though, is the postage. Well, Eli, why don't you just try Stamps.com? Oh, what's Stamps.com? You can use Stamps.com to mail and ship and get access to exclusive discounts and great rates on shipping from USPS and UPS. it's an easy way to keep more money in your pocket

really how does it work stamps.com gives you access to all the post office and ups shipping services you need right from your computer and you get discounts you can't find anywhere else like up to 30 off usps rates and up to 86 off ups itPS. It's true. We use stamps.com to ship our Patreon rewards because whether you're an office sending invoices, an Etsy shop sending your products, or a warehouse shipping out truckloads of orders, stamps.com is the mailing and shipping solution for you. Start mailing and shipping with stamps.com

and keep more money in your pocket every day. Sign up with the promo code SCATHING for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the page, and enter the code SCATHING. Thanks, Noah.

So what kind of snacks are you packing anyway? Oh, a whole bunch. Like these ones, Cheez-Its. Oh, I actually like Cheez-Its. Oh, I'm sorry. I mispronounced it. It's Chia-Zits. Yeah, I'm'm gonna murder you and put you in the box don't and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight in leaking out my asshole news you probably missed it because it was overshadowed by the amazing news of our

toronto live show but someone leaked that the Supreme Court is planning to overturn Roe versus Wade. And you know what that means? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. That's right. Christians all over the nation lost their goddamn minds. Now, I should point out, that's not because of the 50 years of president that's being overturned.

Not that now that they've succeeded in taking away rights from women that their grandmothers had. Oh, no, no, no. They freaked out that someone broke the news with, you know, plenty of time for people to get pissed before the midterms and donate to get out the vote efforts so that women of color can save democracy again. So that's the freakouts we're going to be talking about. Yeah. Now, the last time I saw Republicans this concerned about leaks, they were coming from Russian prostitutes, right? So first up, we have Reverend Albert Moeller, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, who had this to say, quote, The release of this draft is dirty pool.

It's horribly unethical. Who talks like dirty pool pool with a capital t and that right get out of here there hasn't been a breach of the court's prize confidentiality and protocol like this in any recent memory probably in all of american history even the history of the supreme court end quote is that is the history of the supreme court somehow greater than the history of america so yeah few things more important to the supreme court than checks notes confidentiality this court has lost its legitimacy i feel like the pinkies swear not to peek behind the wrapping paper before christmas's small potatoes in comparison though yeah i get it though here i was assuming samuel alito was doing a lot of writing essays about feminism and you know blogging about sourdough starter and stuff like that

now i know he's a bad guy also fun fact the last time that there was a leak out of the supreme court it was a conservative justice leaking the votes for roe versus wade that is a fun fact little side note there yeah so some christians relied on quelling the fears of their opponents like focus on the family representative kelly rosati who said quote the leak is a stunning breach the substance of the purported early draft is not surprising wait purported i feel like she was watching Law and Order and she just said stuff she heard Sam Watterson say there. The alleged time dimension and its so-called position of earliness in that. Fuck you. She continues, Roe being overturned won't make abortion illegal.

Literally will do that in 13 states, minute one of day one and counting those states. Probably going to be bigger. States will act to protect unborn babies or abortion rights. Congress may act. No matter what, we must better support women with unexpected pregnancies, end quote. And hey, in case you think Kelly doesn't mean that, she really does, guys, because she then immediately shot herself in the head. Jesus Christ. No, that okay that's okay bullets don't kill people lack of oxygen to the brain does that exactly yeah still the less moderate voices of the party had some i'm gonna

go ahead and say completely batshit theories to share like christ Christian nationalist and show favorite Josh Bernstein, who said, quote, who leaked this information? Isn't it interesting that the child predator lover, right, the black militant leftist who hates white people and loves every single child sexual predator she's ever had in front of her, Katonji Brown Jackson. Isn't it interesting that for the first time in history we have a supreme court leak of a draft opinion could it have been her possibly a possible in a like a multiverse sense of the term i guess but since in this universe at least she's not on the fucking

court yet not so much bro i didn't know she's not okay okay she was doing a follow shift not getting tips probably mad about that makes perfect sense that's how that works in the supreme court he's doing alito's roll-ups but don't worry there's more he continued quote or perhaps maybe it was the puerto rican socialist Sonia Sotomayor. She's from New York. Another one who hates this country. And let's not forget the communist Jew, right? Elena Kagan.

Yeah, she's also from New York. He didn't say that. Okay. He makes the distinction that Sotomayor is a socialist and Kagan is a communist. I mean, that's a good distinction. He definitely knows what those words mean. Oh, sure. Yeah. So he concludes, so

I think it was probably one of these three evil bitches if you want to know the truth. So Republicans should go in there immediately and confiscate these three judges' email communications, hard drives, computers, laptops, phones,

find out who this leaker is, and charge them with treason, end quote. Well, yeah, because otherwise the Supreme Court could lose its confidentiality. One last one I want to include in here, and that, of course, is the reaction of Reverend Robert Jeffress, who's been on this show a time or two. Well, he's been mentioned on the show a time or two. Yeah. And here's what he had to say. Quote,

Roe is collapsing and millions of lives will be saved because of the millions of evangelicals who voted in 2016 for a president who kept his word. End quote. I'd also like to add a big thanks to everyone who hated donald trump but didn't help stop him in any way said the christian right bigot whilst gloating about forcing people to birth a child yep yeah think about that that one's from robbie jeff

and in erections have consequences news if you're thinking that after the supreme court dismantles abortion rights and sets us back 50 years the republican party is going to be done establishing theocratic rules that take away uterine autonomy uh one you should read the news and two i have a really cool jpeg of a monkey to sell you it's pretty awesome your 200 billion dollars and here's an example of that news you should read gop u.s senate candidate blake masters of arizona who looks like his name is blake masters you're picturing it correctly he announced on his website last week that he'll only vote to confirm federal judges who support removing the right to use birth control okay now heath if you look like the son that slenderman got off on sexual harassment charges you'd be against birth control

too blake masters is the reason for birth control this is very personal to him i get it yeah a lot of the republican agenda at this point reads like revenge against those of us who are getting laid doesn't it though so here's what it said on the campaign website for masters quote i am 100 pro life roe v wade was a horrible decision it was wrong the day it was decided in 1973 it's wrong today and it must be reversed but the fight doesn't stop there i will vote only for federal judges who understand that roe and Griswold and Casey were wrongly decided and that there is no constitutional right to abortion. And quote, just to be clear, Roe and Casey are Supreme Court cases that affirm the right to terminate a pregnancy. Griswold was the case that struck down a Connecticut law against birth control for being

unconstitutional because obviously it was unconstitutional okay so on the bright side a senatorial candidate who's planning to keep us from codifying roe might just be insanely ignorant everybody you might yeah but but regardless the court already decided in burwell v hobby lobby that all it takes to transform contraception into abortion is your boss's sincerely held religious belief. That's precedent now. So I'm not even sure they need to go after Griswold. Oh, God damn it. Can we do it the other way, though?

Right. Like we just give out plan B and we're like, no, no, no, no. Now it's plan C. That's a church. There you go. We'll make a flag. And just in case it wasn't already clear that the Republican Party is 100 percent conspiring to take over every uterus in America. Yes, they are.

That's not hyperbole. Here's how we know. First of all, the moment that someone noticed the quote on Blake Masters website and made it national news, he deleted the whole thing. He also went on Twitter and made accusations that there was a violation of journalistic ethics that led to it coming out. And Wynn asked, do you want to elaborate on that? He said, long pause, no. And Wynn reporter H.B. Enright asked, how the fuck is quoting a public website a violation of journalistic integrity? He said, long pause, still more long pause.

My answer is long pause, still more long pause. My answer is long pause. You can't see me. And most importantly, the National Republican Senatorial Committee, that's the body that tells GOP Senate candidates what to do. They have an official set of guidelines that says almost, quote, yes, of course, we're going to try to take away the right to birth control. But we don't just say it out loud, you dumb fuck. We're conspiring. Read a conspiracy. they have that code your statement into a corporate logo or a beyonce video would you act like a fucking professional man don't read our websites don't stand outside

of our houses i feel like these guys should maybe spend some time in literally any other historical period and realize how easy they have it we We got to get that time machine going again. Originally, the guillotine was made because it was less cruel. Right, exactly. Now they'd let me make it. And just in case anyone wasn't clear on this, it goes without saying, but birth control doesn't kill a baby. Nope.

Neither does abortion. But even if you believe killing a baby is a reasonable way to describe abortion, that's insane. But even if you believe that birth control does that in the same way that menstruation kills a baby or faster swimming sperm kill the future baby of slower swimming sperm or Kevin Costner diving in front of cum as it flies in the general direction of a uterus kills a baby while whitney houston sings in your really yeah kind of interesting sexual scenario that i'm describing what i'm saying is people with a uterus should be able to go on cameo and use government-issued debit cards to hire kevin costner to bodyguard against flying cum what and they should also be able to do any number of other things that kill a baby with all different levels of dramatic flair. Whatever the fuck they want. And if you have any questions about exactly how they want to do that, the answer is shut the fuck up. There you go.

Shut the fuck up, Dr. Nunya. All right. Well, we've obviously got to talk to Kevin Costner's people. So we're going to pause for a quick word from our second sponsor this week, Allbirds. And this is the backup pair to my backup pair oh that's smart see i've only got the one backup right hey guys uh what you doing oh hey like we're getting ready for the pajama party week marsh is coming oh that's right i'm looking forward to that well but so is this wife nicola she's she's awesome what's the problem's awesome. But it means at some point we'll have to try to walk as fast as she does probably. Oh, damn.

I hadn't thought of that. She's so fast. Right? I heard one time she was late for a doctor's appointment and she accidentally spun the earth the wrong direction like Superman trying to save Lois Lane. Was Superman trying to save Lois Lane? Yeah. I heard she was trying to find her seat at a track meet

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when she walked down the aisle, she accidentally beat Marsha up to the front and they had to like do the whole wedding over. I heard that too. I also heard that. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's your slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in

Misogyny. It's not that I'm done talking about the Supreme Court overturning Roe versus Wade. It's not remotely that. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be talking about that for the rest of my goddamn life. But it's not the only thing that's going on in terms of theocratic misogyny. So we have to talk about some other shit too. So let's start in Afghanistan, shall we? It was clear for years that the people who stood to lose the most from the U.S. withdrawal were the nation's women. They were pretty much immediately ousted from any conceivable position of power when the Taliban retook the national government. But nobody had any illusions that it would end there.

government, but nobody had any illusions that it would end there. And we were reminded of that last Saturday when they issued a new proclamation that forced women back into the all-encompassing burqas they'd so recently escaped. According to the proclamation, only a woman's eyes can be showing in public. No more tempting, innocent Muslim men with lascivious cheekbones and salacious foreheads. There might be at least a semblance of good news here, though. It looks like this edict, along with one a few months ago, barring girls from attending school beyond the sixth grade, might be causing an internal rift within the ruling party. It's not like there's a wing of the Taliban that is sympathetic to women's rights or anything,

but there is a wing that wants Western aid more than they want to oppress half the population. And after 20 years of relative freedom during the war, there's a very real possibility that any fracture within the Taliban could cause the whole thing to come crashing down and a more moderate government to grow in its place. And while that might seem hopelessly optimistic, it's at least a real enough possibility that the Taliban are worried about it. Of course, if the Taliban does fall from power, it's probably only a matter of time before we overtake them in the theocratic misogyny standings. And as if to remind the world what American women

have to look forward to if the batshit Christians manage to consolidate power, we were treated to a story this week about a student at a Christian music college in Tennessee who apparently was punished for having premarital sex after she reported being raped. At least that's the claim in the complaint she filed with the U.S. Department of Education a couple weeks ago. Now, to be clear, the premarital sex in question wasn't the rape. The school is accusing her of having had sex with her ex-boyfriend, which she denies. And apparently they threatened to expel her if she didn't sign a confession admitting to the charge. As it stands, they're allowing her to finish her degree remotely, but they also refused to remove the alleged rapist from her classes, refused to conduct a Title IX investigation, and tried to bar her from telling anyone else about the rape. So it might not be exactly the story that you

thought it was when you first heard it, but it's at least exactly as bad. So yeah, it was nice when I needed more in the way of transitional material to move from stories about the Taliban to stories from the US. But that's not the world we live in anymore. So if nothing else,

I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about next time. But until then, I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines in Kansas news. When you consider all the theocratic bullshit the Supreme Court's doing, it's kind of hard to get excited about small secular victories on the municipal level. It's kind of like trying to reassure the person who's late to the meeting

and can't find their keys by pointing out the relatively large number of personal belongings they haven't lost. But at the risk of sounding like that guy, our next story is about a city council in a rural Kansas town voting to have the phrase, in God we trust, removed from the city's police vehicles. Fuck yeah, rural Kansas. We have four people and the mayor's a dog but we don't need that pretty much we get the same amount of senators as california they're both republican sorry i fucked it up you guys were doing a positive thing our mayor's name is toto he's adorable there you go that's a little hat have such a better mayor anyway so so okay this story comes to us from haven kansas tiny tiny little town of about 1,200

people a half hour east of Wichita that had a full-blown Jesus freak as its chief of police. Sorry, has. A casual glance through the police department's Facebook page reveals several posts that unapologetically endorse Christianity and freely quote from the Bible, and a few months ago, Chief

Stephen Schaefer graduated from government endorsements of religion online to government endorsements of religion on police cars with the now familiar addition of In God We Trust decals on all the department's vehicles. Or both of the department's vehicles. I'm not sure how many, but more than zero. Yeah. Hey, if I've done more expensive prank wars than your Holy Quest officer, you're just an asshole putting bumper stickers on cop cars okay yeah sim pal cindy was shockingly expensive that was a lot she was worth it so but anyway that believe it or not came to an end last week when city council member sandra williams chimed in to

point out that police cruisers and social media accounts were not in her words an appropriate forum to be talking about God. After a brief exchange between her and the chief, Schaefer asked directly if they wanted him to stop promoting Christianity. The council went on to vote unanimously that, yes, they'd like to continue enforcing the First Amendment, regardless of the SCOTUS's feelings on the subject. Wow.

And Schaefer agreed to have the decals removed and stop posting Jesus shit on the city's Facebook page. Okay. Do I still get to be a barely concealed violent enforcer of the white Christian ethnostate? Of course, Steve. You're not fired. I just want you to just take off the stickers. Cool.

Cool. Yeah, it's good. You're not fired. Are you playing the circle below the waist punching game? I love that game. I'm doing okay. below the waist punching game thing. I love that game.

I'm doing okay. And as small as this victory obviously is, I think it's worth highlighting for two reasons. One is the reminder that even in Bumblefuck, Kansas, there are people who would rather not descend into abject theocracy. The other is that apparently this all started when a concerned citizen complained to Sandra Williams, which means that one lone voice actually did

manage to get this small change done through the official channels. It's just an important reminder that even on the smallest scale, your involvement can make a difference. Of course, at the same time, the city's mayor is already waffling about the decision for fear of seeming anti-Christian to the electorate. So maybe it can't. But for now, we're going to err on the side of optimism. And in Mr. Gorbachev

prayer down this wall news. First of all, if you get that joke, your back hurts. Okay, it does. Second of all, you know, whenever the conversation about prayer in schools comes up, one right-wing politician or another has to paint this picture of a quiet teacher taking

a moment of reflection for themselves when an atheist principal beats down the door and tases them in the butthole. Hey, Angelo, some right-wing politicians could really help. Hop on it if you're feeling inspired. Exactly. Now, in reality, the opposite is almost always true. And we got another reminder of that this week when a Christianian teacher with a prayer wall in her classroom tore down a non-christian student's edition and then threatened that student with hellfire yeah no that's right folks this story started with a public school teacher

having an in-classroom prayer wall then it got worse twice in the same sentence this is the america we're given to our children well some people no not naming any names right so the teacher in question is memorial high school biology teacher amy cook who legally created a prayer room in the back of her class with bible verses all over the walls i guess in case any of the biology got him feeling dowdy i'll do it yeah but here's what happened next according to the freedom from religion foundation's complaint quote our complainant reports that four weeks after they placed a non-christian prayer in the prayer room asking to achieve their goals and to be kept safe by the gods and goddesses they believe in, Mrs. Cook pulled our

complainant out of class and berated them for not being Christian. Mrs. Cook reportedly told our complainant that if they didn't repent, they would, quote, burn in hell and that she was required to intervene as a, quote, good Christian. Our complainant reports that principal grooms and assistant principal vessel are aware of this illegal conduct, but have taken no action to correct it. End quote. Or as the New York Times podcast, The Daily would put it, the teacher stepped into the hallway for a quiet moment of personal religious reflection.

But it actually gets worse. So not only is Amy Cook an obvious bigot who uses her teaching platform to proselytize, she's bragged about it when she ran for state Senate. So on her campaign website, Amy Cook 2022 dot com, she states, quote, As a parent, I was unaware of the dark cloud of corruption creeping into our school. And then I passed by a mirror and, man. It wasn't until I began to teach that I witnessed the spiritually damaging programs, liberal brainwashing, and political indoctrination being slipped into our schools. Like biology, right? Yes. The means are clever and well-funded. As a Christian, I could not remain silent.

Silence equals permission. Yikes.ikes right yikes for so many fuck but all of our follow-up questions make us go oh yeah great segue to uh sex ed talking that's good amy cook i'm glad you brought that up because she that continues when the l national mandate was forced under my students under the guise of sex with three X's. Jesus Christ. Education. In a two-week class, I boycotted it and alerted all my students' parents. It was successfully taken away from most of the students' young eyes. Interesting.

I continue to model my faith in God openly in my classroom because amidst all the confusion, I know where they will find true wisdom, strength, and love. Okay, just circling back. The sex ed was taken away from most of the students? Yeah. So in her head, she helped groom a handful of students for pedophile stuff and eternal damnation, of course. That's a weird line in the sand for us. Jesus Christ. As a

teacher, I successfully blocked children from learning and instead spread the gospel. I would love to be shocked by this, but you take it out of the first person and that might as well be like the Republican Party platform. They'd have a platform at that point. Damn it,

you beat me to it. So, yeah, as usual, this is horrible. By the way, the principal is on record saying that they won't let Cook go because they're also a believer. So the FFRF is probably going to have to take these assholes to court and then spend taxpayer money to get them to stop turning science class into mini church for kids. So I guess what I'm saying is next time your uncle Frank or the New York Times is daily podcast, repeat some BS about the right to pray. Send them this story. It won't matter.

But honestly, if we only said stuff that changes people's minds, we wouldn't have a podcast. So that's fair. And finally, tonight we have a story about Candace Taylor. Candid T. T indeed.

She's a Christian right Republican running for governor in Georgia, hoping to primary Brian Kemp. And her campaign slogan is, Candace Taylor, Jesus, guns, babies. Just that list of things. Well, she's been polling in third place for that primary. So she decided to become the champion of a big new issue you know shake things up lots of important political stuff going on in georgia so she decided to pick one of those very important things and she's going to focus on blowing up some rocks with a bomb that's where she landed she's calling for the demolition of the georgia guidestones

that's a monument of granite slabs that went up in 1979 because, this is why she wants to blow them up, she thinks they're part of a satanic plot or a Illuminati plot or maybe a conspiracy by big granite to genocide most of the planet. Whatever. One of those groups wants to

genocide most of the planet in her head. It's one of those. If she's elected she's gonna blow up those fucking rocks okay taking your election playbook from isis it's a it's a bold move cotton let's see how that works out for her guys we're like five inches away from candidates running on the and then we'll remove the gold fringe from the flags and they won't know what to do ticket hey it's a platform so in response to this very pressing problem in state of georgia kate unveiled a draft of her future executive order to destroy the georgia guidestones for anyone who's not familiar here's a quick

background on what those things are the tablets are mostly meant to be basic information for anyone who survives the nuclear holocaust. For example, one of the tablets has engravings that note physical measurements of each stone so we can rediscover what inches and pounds are, I guess. One of the tablets acts as a sundial to show when it's noon. Another is facing the north star. I'm not sure if any of this is going to be exactly accurate after a giant nuclear explosion nearby, but that's the idea. All right, guys.

We know where North is and what a foot is, but does anyone know what the shadow of the screaming guy means yet? I guess I've mentioned. And it's in Georgia. I feel like the first thing they should do is add a stone about how truck nuts were decorative. It wasn't a species.

So we all know that plenty of Americans are terrified by science-y number stuff. I get it. But here's the part of the Guidestones that's really generating the controversy. There's a section of the Guidestones with 10 recommendations for the age of reason. And it's written in eight different languages. And this is the part that has crazy people like Candace Taylor and Alex Jones and a bunch of Christian leaders in a panic.

She's not the first lunatic to bring this up, just the most recent. Here's the big problem spot. Recommendation number one for the age of reason says, maintain humanity under 500 million in perpetual balance with nature now just for the record the population of the world in 1979 was about 4.4 billion so the engraving is clearly referring to a scenario where the nuclear holocaust killed lots of people but the crazy people think

this is a public monument calling for a genocide heath let's hear the rocks out i would like to hear the rocks so weird how universally they seem to be against killing off major swaths of the world's population when you're not talking about environmental policy but then selective yeah one other thing here along with her plan to destroy the guidestones, Taylor made a video standing in front of those tablets. And she says, the new world order is here. And they told us it was coming. This is a battle. She also posted online, I am the only candidate bold enough to stand up to the Luciferian cabal.

Jesus. You sure are, Candace. Yeah, you are. Just to review, in Candace taylor's head she's running for governor of a state in candace taylor's head there's a satanic illuminati plot to murder about 95 of the planet at this point that the conspirators wrote down on a giant stone put it in public yeah and they'll stop the plan if she blows up those big rocks right they won't know what to do anymore there are notes all right well you can't summarize today's republican party

better than a promise to blow up knowledge so i guess we can close the headlines there heath thanks as always jumanji and when we back, it'll be like we never left. And the dildos. We should talk about those. Oh, yeah, for sure. Guys, guys, I've got some good news. Oh, what's that? We actually don't need to do the Adam and Eve ad this week. We don't? Yeah, it turns out Tim released a video of me and my outfit

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That's 50% off one item and 10 free gifts to boot. And this exclusive offer is specific to this podcast. So be sure to use the code SCATHING to get not just the discount and the free goodies, but also the 100% free shipping. Use the code SCATHING. All right, guys, thanks for the explanation. Hey, you know what? Maybe folks will use it after they cool down

in a couple of months. Months, you think? Yeah, I mean, probably months, right? One of the dumbest ways that I've seen my life's work dismissed, and trust me, there are many, is the nonsensical idea that one can't reasonably criticize one set of abuses unless they've also criticized all the other abuses. And as ridiculous as that argument seems when you boil it down to the X's and Y's, there are no end of people willing to dismiss our criticism of religion altogether because we haven't criticized literally every other untrue thing ever promoted by anyone. But in hopes of at least slightly deflating that nonsense in advance, we like to branch out into the wider world of fallacies in a segment that we call... How Bullshit Is It?

So tell us, Heath, what nugget of nuttery will we be nailing down today? Today we're going to be talking about the Zayton Miracle. Okay, so if this is a miracle claim, shouldn't it be in our Devil's Advocate segment?

Okay, I had to come up with something that started with a Z. Maybe just let it go on the technicalities. We could just... I did a whole intro where I talked about how this segment wouldn't be about criticizing religious stuff. You wrote that after I told you on the technicalities. I did a whole intro where I talked about how this segment wouldn't be about criticizing religious stuff. You wrote that after I told you what the topic was.

Stop fighting. You're ruining my birthday party. Okay, fine. So what was the Zayton miracle? Well, according to believers, it's a series of ghostly appearances of the Virgin Mary. It took place over a church in Cairo, Egypt, between 1968 and 1971, and it was witnessed by millions of people. The witnesses included Christians, Muslims, Jews,

and non-believers, and was even witnessed by then-president of Egypt, Gamal Abdel Nasser. It was investigated and confirmed by the head of the Coptic Orthodox Church, the Vatican, and the Egyptian government, and no non-miraculous explanation was found. Wow, that sounds pretty definitive. Mm-hmm.

So how much of it's true? None. None of it's true. Yeah, that would have been my guess. So what really happened? Oh, nothing. Nothing happened. Really? Well, almost nothing. Well, almost nothing. It's impossible to say for certain what, if anything, the witnesses saw,

but the descriptions range from a faint halo over the top of the church to a full-blown Virgin Mary kaiju towering over the church like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. There were also witnesses that saw nothing whatsoever at the exact same times that other people were seeing the giant Virgin Mary kaiju and the inexplicable halos. And despite the claims about skeptics and atheists also seeing the apparition, there were exactly zero known witness accounts that were not from believers. Okay. I mean, every description of a miracle sounds impressive if you lie about it initially.

All right. So where does the story begin? Begins with heat lying about so the first sighting came from two muslim bus mechanics on april 2nd of 1968 who thought they saw a woman dressed in white on the roof of the saint mary's coptic church in zeiten at first they thought it was a nun about to commit suicide so they started waving their arms and jumping up and down and yelling, don't jump. This drew a crowd, of course.

And pretty soon there were a bunch of people squinting up at this figure. The police arrived on the scene a little bit later and tried to disperse the crowd. Now, the cops explanation at the time and almost certainly the reality of the situation was that they were seeing a reflection of the light from the street lamps that was kind of vaguely person-shaped. But a church custodian offered the alternative explanation that it was a miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary. Naturally, the crowd preferred the latter explanation. A few minutes later, the apparition disappeared. But hey, shout out to the guy who heard the cop explaining

you're looking at a street light and was like, or, or, or. Maybe it's my God's mom and everyone owes me a dollar for looking. Yeah, right. So wait, that's it? No, not even close. The apparition reappeared a week later on April 9th and continued to appear intermittently for the next three years with increasing frequency. Sometimes she would show up two or three times in the same week.

Okay, well, by the late 60s, we're very much into the photography era of human history. Yes, yes we are. Given the frequency of her appearances, you'd expect there to be plenty of photographic evidence of this miracle. So are there pictures? There are hundreds of pictures. Oh, wow.

Are any of them unambiguous and clearly undoctored? Well, you'll be shocked to learn that no, not a single one was unambiguous and clearly undoctored. That's so weird. Yeah. The photos, like the witness accounts, are widely varied. Almost all of them are blurry, low quality, and out of focus. You would think that the very best photographers in the world would be the ones taking them right yeah you think so but no mostly it was just randos snapping pictures from the streets and that's that's what we got okay podcast listener i googled these photos for this segment your uncle frank's politics five white closet of thanksgiving are clearer than these fucking photos wait but so are there any clearer pictures

there's a few yeah but they're obviously just illustrations drawn over the top of real photographs oh jesus they also contain a lot of inexplicable elements like for example in the most well-known picture of the event you can see sunlight very clearly reflecting on the heads of the people in the crowd but the sky is dark as though it was in the middle of the night so you're saying all of the photos are fake okay well it's worth noting that within a few weeks of the first sighting pilgrims were arriving from all over the place with hopes of witnessing this miracle and among the most popular souvenirs for these holy tourists were reprinted photographs of the event.

So there was a financial incentive to fake pictures. The pictures we have would have been pretty easy to fake. And we don't know the source of any of the most popular and clear pictures. That's not exactly proof that they're all fake, but it's pretty strong evidence that they're all fake. Yeah, he's not saying that these photos of the virgin mary floating above a building aren't real he's saying he's skeptical everybody he's skeptical asking questions but okay but what about video yeah that was a thing in the 60s too i think yeah that we had did we do video yeah so according to the wikipedia article egyptian television actually

did catch the phenomenon on video wow i bet that's among the most important and thus best preserved pieces of film in all of history huh uh there is no existing copy of the footage and no record of it ever having even existed but but they're pretty sure the virgin mary's head went back into the left and she is real for sure yeah yeah no i get it we don't have a tape of the christine chubbuck thing either so sometimes so still though you said there were over a million witnesses many of whom weren't christian that's got to count for something no no no i said that believers said there were over a million witnesses many of whom weren't christian neither of those things appear to be true, though. Okay, you liar! Liar, Ethan, right?

To be fair, there were lots of witnesses. There's no generally accepted number. Crowd size estimates are inexact to begin with. And these appearances generally happened at night, which doesn't exactly make counting the crowds any easier. But according to Christian authors trying to sell this as the real deal, in a single night, as many as a quarter of a million people would come out to see the event. Okay, all right.

But the number of people who came out to see it and the number of people who saw it, that's not necessarily the same number, no? Well, you can just go ahead and leave out the word necessarily. It's not the same number. Okay, all right. But what about all those non-Christian people that we're supposed to have witnessed it? Well, there are plenty of Muslim accounts, but that's not in need of any special explanation.

While they're not quite the fanboys that Christians tend to be of this, the Virgin Mary is a revered figure in the Islamic faith. But in terms of Jewish and atheist accounts, I didn't find any. According to the Wikipedia article, the only English language secular account comes from a professor of anthropology

at the American University in Cairo named Cynthia Nelson. She visited the church on several occasions, including nights when the crowds claimed to have seen the ghost. What she saw was a few intermittent flashes of light, and sometime later she saw an ambiguous shape of some sort shining through some palm trees. So, lights? Lights, yes. That's it? That is the entirety of the secular count on the thing. Yes, it is. Honestly, it's a pretty good summary of any time a secular person got a good look at a miracle, so it tracks. Yeah. All right, so

unexplained lights are a far cry from the Virgin Mary's ghost glowing its way around the church roof, but they're still unexplained, no? Sure. There may well have been unexplained lights that occasionally appeared near that church, yes. But let's keep in mind that unexplained doesn't mean unexplainable. I mean, even if they were unexplainable, it still wouldn't be especially good evidence that the virgin mother of God's kid

was appearing on top of an Egyptian church to wave at random crowds. But it's entirely possible that a perfectly mundane explanation was being overlooked. Like Catholic suggestion guy from earlier was up there flicking a fucking flashlight, maybe. Well, so was the source of the

lights investigated technically yes but the highest profile investigation was undertaken by the coptic church itself huh which it'd be kind of like disney investigating whether their theme park really was the happiest place on earth scientifically but yeah the head of the coptic orthodox church of alexandria pope karylos the sixth appointed a committee of priests and bishops scientifically. But yeah, the head of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, Pope Kyrillos VI, appointed a committee of priests and bishops to investigate, led by the Bishop of Postgraduate Studies, Coptic Culture, and Scientific Research. He's got all of those, huh? That's a department, I guess. And to nobody's surprise, that person confirmed that it was genuinely miraculous and no alternative explanation could possibly be found.

Huh. This reminds me an awful lot of when that committee of our moms did that investigation of who had the funniest podcast. Yeah, mine said it was Cognizant. That was rough. That was rough. Okay, was that the only investigation? Well, the Egyptian Ministry ministry of tourism also issued a validation oh really yeah yeah they validated although it's unclear if they did their own

investigation or if they just relied on the one the coptic church did what is clear is that the same ministry immediately started printing up pamphlets and distributing them as far and wide across the christian world as they possibly could. Okay, so I get that they're not exactly sending skeptics, but what about the Catholic Church? Right? I mean, sure, they've got a vested interest in validating miraculous appearances of Mary, but not on other people's churches, right? So did they do any kind of investigation? They did not. No, no, they did not. But apparently their lack of investigation didn't stop them from also validating this miracle.

I guess they decided the denominational rivalry was less important than having a 20th century miracle to celebrate. Yes, the mother of God is obviously our religion, but she visits the other ones sometimes.

Come on, guys. She's only 15. Give her a break. Give her a break. Alright, so I guess this is a pretty open and shut case, but I have one lingering question. So correct me if I'm wrong, but Egypt is like overwhelmingly Muslim, no? It is, yeah, between 90 and 95%,

depending on the source. So even though Mary is still a revered figure in their religion, it seems like if the government's going to throw their weight behind a miracle claim, it's not going to be one that validates Christianity. I mean, we're talking about the leading lady in the Christian faith. She's

appearing on top of a Christian church. The investigation is being done by Christian authorities. It just seems odd that the government of a Muslim majority nation would lend so much credence to a minority faith. Sure. Yeah. But to really understand the situation, you need to consider when it happened historically.

Oh, the day after April Fool's. It was a prank war. Was it a prank war? Probably not. But it did happen in 1968, less than a year after Egypt got its ass handed to it in the Six-Day War, or as it's known in Egypt, the setback of 1967. Oh, really? That was a not-quite-week-long war between Israel and an Arab coalition that included

Egypt, Syria, and Jordan. And it's one of the most lopsided military defeats of the 20th century. The Egyptians alone lost between 10,000 and 15,000, where Israel lost between 776 and 983. Israel also seized the West Bank at that point, the Golan Heights, and the Gaza Strip, which the world is still dealing with today. Okay, wait. So their theory was that the Virgin Mary was coming to rally the troops and kick some Jewish ass?

No, but there was a sort of cultural crisis that reverberated all through Egyptian society in the aftermath of that war setback thing. President Nasser wasn't exactly a democratically elected leader, but the humiliation was so overwhelming that even he felt the need to resign in disgrace. And then out of nowhere, a series of spontaneous protests against his resignation kept him in power. So weird. But it was at least bad enough that they felt the need to stage a resignation. He's just like, okay, we get it. Jews are still mad about the shmash, man. They'll probably just calm down and go back to being super friendly in a couple of years, guys.

We'll just, how long could this last? Right. back to being super friendly in a couple years guys we'll just how long could this last right so following that whole ordeal there was a widespread feeling throughout the country that the defeat came as the result of egyptians having abandoned their faith in favor of man-made ideas and belief systems this supposed miracle was probably an extension of that religious revivalism sociologists robert bartholomew and Eric Good explained it as a classic example of mass hysteria. According to Bartholomew and Good, it appears that the Marian observers

were predisposed by religious background and social expectations to interpreting the light displays as related to the Virgin Mary. So what we're left with here is just unexplained lights. Unexplained lights. Yes, we are. That is it.

And I should emphasize here that there's no consensus suggesting that these lights were in need of explanation in the first place. The secular account I quoted from before wasn't some anthropologist saying, but what the fuck were those lights? It was more like, but they're just flashes of light. Flashes of light happen. There's distant lightning, airplanes over clouds, shooting stars, just lots of photons flying around. There are. Also, keep in mind that Zayton is a district in Cairo, a city that had a population over 5 million at the time. So we also have to include all the sources of light typical for a very large city. Oh.

Okay, so then what we're left with is nothing. Nothing, yes. Not even lights. Well, I guess the only question left to ask is, how bullshit is it? Okay, so there's the obvious lie, followed

by the investigation by liars, followed by shut up, we're done. Why are you bringing up old shit? It's done. So at least three levels of lying. It's bullshit cubed. So I'm going to say it's

wombat shit crazy levels of bullshit. Okay, interesting. Wombat's shit cubes. All right. Well, if I'm tallying that correctly, that means it's secularism, infinity, spiritualism, zero. But it's halftime only.

No, it's halftime. Yeah, and somehow that score is going to get even worse on the next installment of How Bullshit Is It? Before we fade to black tonight, I want to remind you that Matreon is the best time to become a patron. Be sure to check the show notes for a handy-dandy link to our Patreon page and our Matreon page as well, where you can keep track of all our goals.

And thanks in advance. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be a worse host than those Jesus crackers if I i neglected to thank heath enright for his height eli bostick for his depth and lucinda illusions for her uh-oh love and companionship i also need to thank

matthew providing this week's barnsworth quote but most of all of course i want to thank this week's most matrionic mammals jeff max mockingbird nation natalie chris it's time to change your name to scatman dan you promised dave ryan ray Ryan, Ray, Roy, Random, Van, Go, Kaylee, Coyote, Stardust, Matt, Yolanda, Joe, Ethan, Tanya, Travis, Lindsay, Logan, Ancient, Serve, Soft Snackies for Quiet, Breakies, Eli's Future Cellmate, Ann, Jerry, Crystal, Weirden, Myrden, Jane, JD, BT, DM, Kevin, Tom, Tommy, Fiddlesticks, Carl, Mr. Ert, Olivia, Adrian, Dallin,

Eric, The Bug, and Anastasia. Whose generosity is so big it had to annex territory from the Genera County around it. Get it? I'm so proud of that joke. Anyway, together, these 44 fantastic freethinkers flung philanthropic funds to our foul-mouthed fuckery this week by

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