The Scathing Atheist - 485: French Fried Edition

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

In this week’s episode, Republicans demand church separation from the human secularist state, we’ll learn how to yell “fudge!” at North American cobras, and Anna will be here to up the talent average by a considerable amount. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Chimpions TTRPG podcast here: https://chimpions.co.uk/ --- Headlines: Arizona lawmaker Rick Gray says atheism caused the shooting in Uvalde: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/arizona-lawmaker-rick-gray-atheism-caused-the-shooting-in-uvalde/ Ted Cruz blamed it on "declining church attendance": https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2022/5/28/23145600/uvalde-school-shooting-republicans-defend-gun-rights-nra-convention Oklahoma bans trans kids from using the right bathroom at school: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/05/oklahoma-bans-trans-kids-using-right-bathroom-school/ Cardinal reveals Pope Francis ordered ouster of Vatican’s auditor over charges of spying: https://religionnews.com/2022/05/19/cardinal-pope-ordered-auditor-to-resign-over-spying-charge/ Trump to start new streaming platform to promote evangelicals, guns, and anti-woke shows: https://www.rawstory.com/truth-social-trump-streaming-service/ New conservative conspiracy theory claims Rice Krispies mascot “Pop” is transgender: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2022/05/new-conservative-conspiracy-theory-claims-rice-krispies-mascot-pop-transgender/ $2 million gold tabernacle stolen from Brooklyn church: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/05/31/tabernacle-stolen-brooklyn-church-nyc/

Warning, if you don't want to hear adult language, it's already too late to fuck off. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new energy drink exclusively for white supremacists, Hemlock. Hemlock. What, you're going to suddenly trust the mainstream media now? And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is a public service announcement on behalf of the CBC. It has been brought to one's attention

that there is an ungodly podcast being circulated in the seedier parts of the internet. That's right, Archibald. We understand it's by those damnable Chimpions fellows. Chimpions, you say? Is that Chimpions TTRPG? Aren't they the chaps that play a game where they pretend to be cowboys? Yes, that's correct, Archie, my old brute.

And not only that, those damn cads are saying that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's June 2nd. And it's Yell Fudge at the Cobras in North America Day. What? No illusions. Ami Laboznik. Ami Fenright. And from Paul Rudd's

New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Republicans demand church separation from the human

secularist state. Yelling at a cobra is the most reasonable cobra thing a Pentecostal preacher ever does, it just occurs to me. And Anna will be here to up the talent average by a considerable amount. Cobra is the most reasonable cobra thing a Pentecostal preacher ever does, it just occurs to me.

And Anna will be here to up the talent average by a considerable amount. But first, the diatron. I was struck by a memory the other day. I'm maybe 15 years old at the time, and my dad is in the midst of a furious screed about French fries. Now, this in itself is not all that noteworthy. My dad had a habit of working himself into an apoplectic rage about inanimate objects. I mean, I obviously get it from somewhere. But in this instance, the target of his tirade

was how much better McDonald's french fries used to be. See, until 1990, McDonald's cooked their french fries in a combination of vegetable oil and beef tallow, which is slightly healthier than giving kids chicken-fried cigarettes, but not by much. So a bunch of parents' groups pressured McDonald's into changing out to all- oil in 1990. And good intentions or no, in my dad's mind, the taste of his French fries was too high a price to pay for healthier children.

Of course, in an effort to justify his fury, he had to make it about more than fried potato sticks. So he explained that it was a symptom of oppression. It was tyranny of the fitness freaks. His words, as I recall them, were, it's a shame that oppression. It was tyranny of the fitness freaks. His words, as I recall them, were, it's a shame that a small group of people complaining can screw things up for everybody. Now, even at 15, I could see that that was a ridiculous statement. McDonald's wasn't changing their preparation method to appease a minority. If most people wanted bacon grease slathered on their french fries, that's exactly what McDonald's would sell them. But people were getting more and more health conscious around then, and McDonald's business had been declining for years because of it. In other words, they were

making this change in response to the exact market forces that conservatives like my dad idolize. What was actually happening was that my dad found himself in the minority, but that very concept triggers cognitive dissonance in middle-aged, middle-income, conservative white men, so he conjured up an imaginary majority that, against all the evidence to the contrary, agreed with him. Of course, conjuring up imaginary majorities is nothing new to conservatism. Richard Nixon dubbed them the silent majority in a 1969 televised address about how,

despite ubiquitous protests all over the country most people still agreed with him that the vietnam war was going great up until then the silent majority was a euphemism for dead people nixon turned it into a euphemism for making dead people 10 years later jerry fallow senior christened his bigotry-based political organization the moral majority despite being neither of those things But the fiction he had to tell his followers was that there was this vast number of people withholding from the national political discourse that also agreed with them. It wasn't that they were an ever less relevant political force doomed by the inexorable momentum of demographics, but rather it's that they were part of a secret majority whose voice was being

inexplicably excluded from the national conversation. And of course, this isn't some tactic that's relegated to the past. It's why some lady in Tupelo calls herself One Million Moms. It's why conservatives complain about cancel culture whenever the free market forces in the entertainment industry don't swing their way. It's why their rhetoric so often contains allusions to real Americans who live in the heartland and have wheat or grease related jobs it's why they're so terrified by the increasing visibility of people who don't look like them right like every black lady in a star wars property is another reminder

that their majority is a fiction i bring this up because i i think we atheists too often lose sight of this fact it's it's easy for us to do. I mean, obviously, the non-religious over-represent people who don't mind standing outside the majority. We're far more likely to idealize independent thought and non-conformity. Now, whether we live up to those ideals is a different thing altogether, but for the purposes of the point I'm making here, it doesn't matter. The point is, we don't have the same need to be broadly agreed with as they do, and because of that, we're likely to underestimate the importance of being open about our atheism. Of course, whenever I bring up visibility, I feel the need to caveat that with a list of exceptions for

personal circumstance, right? You're the best judge of whether you should be vocal about your disbelief. And I wouldn't encourage anybody to do so if they felt there was a legitimate threat to their health or to their income or whatever. But for the rest of us, it's important to be reminded sometimes that it does actually matter. I've talked with atheists who equate wearing atheist t-shirts or having atheist bumper stickers to trolling, right? As though the only purpose of proclaiming one's atheism is to antagonize Christians, but that's just not the case. It matters. It matters because a lot of these Christians can only spackle over that cognitive dissonance for so long. Their innate desire to follow the crowd can defend itself for a while with the familiar tactics of exclusion and imagination.

But every time they come face to face with it, we've taken another chip out of that armor. And once we break through, that desire to follow the crowd can't help but manifest itself in following the crowd. manifest itself in following the crowd. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Laverne and Shirley of atheism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to make all our dreams come true?

Okay, actually, Shlemiel, Shlemazel, Pozzolan, and Thunderstorm Incorporated, that's actually a really good summary of our company. No, yeah being honest it's true yeah uh for the younger listeners laverne and shirley was a tv show about two gay women and not even the writers of the show knew it yeah that's how it did not in our lead story tonight 21 people were killed by bullets from a legally obtained gun last week at rob elementary school School in Uvalde, Texas. It was the deadliest school shooting in Texas history and the 27th school shooting of the year in the United States. That's an average of one school shooting every week in 2022. Wow. And of course, the Christian solution to the problem is thoughts, prayers, and Jesus.

And they really need to stretch the definition of thought for that to fit. Yeah, I don't think they should be able to keep using that one. Fuck. Possibly the worst commentary from a U.S. lawmaker came from Arizona State Representative Rick Gray. And the competition for that title is fucking fierce. Like Ted Cruz, for example, is part of that competition. He blamed the shooting on a decline in church attendance you're dead well not to be outdone in stupid evil rick gray gave a

speech on the house floor explaining that the real cause of the massacre was evolution in biology class and the national religion of atheism oh that one that one. Here in the United States. Yeah. Not to be outdone in stupid evil is the closest thing Republicans have to a platform at this point, right? Yeah. And can we say? Leading the world by a long shot, they are. They are the moon landing of stupid evil at this point, my friends.

They are, though. Allegedly. So, here's the exact words from Rick Gray. He's a Republican, by the the way i didn't mention that why he's a republican oh okay quote the real core issue and i'll be honest this may be my bias but this is how i see it yes it fucking is your bias you're dumb sure is good disclaimer for decades for decades just relax it's for decades for decades we've been teaching our children in school there is no god nope Nope, we have not.

You can't pray. Nope. You can't even pray on the field. Nope. Also not true. Nope. There is no God. Well, okay.

You got one right by accident. But we don't take that directly. That's just, you start believing that if you learn, you know, real things. That is a true statement, though. Yes. Because of where the period is. Okay. Continuing one more time.

There are no absolutes. That contradicts itself, pretty much unsayable. It's survival of the fittest. Friends, we have a state religion in the United States of America. Even though there's supposed to be a separation of church and state, there is a state religion. It's human secularism. What? Wow.

Sick. Big sick. It's human secularism, a.k.a. atheism. End quote. Congratulations, Ricky. Once again, you've managed to accidentally point out that the opposite of your religion is learning things. Also, Ricky, you sure you want to mention that we're supposed to have separation of church and state elected official who's very obviously suggesting everyone become his religion? Are you sure you want to mention that?

And that the schools endorse it? Yeah. He does not hear himself. No. So, Rick, just a few redlining notes for you. The Rickster, please. I tried to read your quote. I had to stop after every goddamn sentence and be like, nope, or something like that. So, okay, a few more red line notes. First of all, it's secular humanism, not human secularism. Did you think we have secular fauna? Like secular peach trees growing in little dishes? What the fuck are you saying? I was listening to it earlier and I realized he got it confused for human centipede. He's like human secularism. Yep. I remember that.

Also, another red line for you. If you think survival of the fittest means killing people, you're a Nazi. That's you. You're a Nazi. You were reading your kid's middle school biology textbook and you were like, beaks of finches changed over time. Okay, got it. Gun-based eugenics by people.

Got it. That's terrifying. How did that thought happen? But most importantly, final red line, you're an idiot. You're just a dumb person. We've been teaching evolution in public schools for like a century. We got rid of mandatory Bible readings in public schools in 1963. And then we got an epidemic of school

shootings that started in the late 90s. How does this timeline up in your head? Did you think that was a really long fuse on us losing the mandatory Bible readings and then doing the shootings? Like we thought aboutwin for decades and then a bunch of christian people that well didn't exist during those decades started doing atheist murder way later what the fuck are you talking about honest answer anything but gun control yeah that's fair sure is also like when you give credit for everything good in your life to an impossible concept like God, giving credit for everything bad in your life to invisible atheist science teachers kind of tracks, if you think about it, right?

It's got to. Yeah. Yeah. So the obvious takeaway, don't sell machines of mass death to civilians. That's a pretty important one. No, don't do that. The Second Amendment is dumb and needs to go. But even if we keep it exactly as is, which we should not, but even if we did,

there's nothing in it about a kid who just turned 18 being able to get two assault rifles and 375 bullets on fucking DoorDash days before carrying out a massacre. And okay, here's the other thing we learned either prayer does not work or christian people are not praying for an end to school shootings or both and yeah spoiler it's both yeah so christians i know you're listening um what would you say you fucking do here well i believe the game plan is to get rid of doors heath um oh there you go and in oklahomophobia news it might have flown under your radar last week what with christian theocrats rededicating themselves to letting your children die so that their constituents hobby slash fantasy of being mel gibson and the patriot could continue unimpeded but

in the corn-soaked state of Oklahoma, they're taking a much more proactive approach to killing children, as this week, Governor Kevin Stitt signed a law banning transgender children from using the school bathroom of their preference. It's amazing how fast they can swing from blaming school shootings on the fact that high school kids are bullied back to bullying high school kids. Right. Doing exactly that. Yes.

Well said. OK, just to review the legislative agenda in Oklahoma last week was one amoeba stage fetal rights. That's important. And two, which room are the kids shitting in? That's also important to us we need to make laws yeah so the bill sb615 threatens funding for school districts if they don't comply with the new transphobia policy and allows parents to sue school districts if they believe that their child had to share a restroom with a transgender classmate. And it does all this, ironically enough, in the name of

safety. So, quick reminder for those unfamiliar, the number of trans people who have attacked children in the bathroom is still zero. And the number of people who have attacked trans people for using the bathroom of their choice is way, way fucking more than zero. Yeah. how the fuck is the party perpetually obsessed with kids genitals gonna accuse the other side of being groomers it's insane okay uh just going over my to-do list here at the legislature hiring genital examiners for every public school check all right and now got a ban frozen because the sexual content is inappropriate

for kids. Great. Those are my two things. I'm a government official. I have power. Yep. One other thing worth noting about this story, by the way, this bill is actually only the latest in a series of anti-trans bills that Oklahoma has passed this year. Earlier this year, there were bills banning transgender students from participating in school sports and banning non-binary birth certificates in the state. So, look, I know that right now everyone's focus is on, like, automatic weapons. And, hey, that's laudable on its own, right? Of course. But it's also probably good to keep in mind that there's plenty of killing children

with just plain old hatred out there. Yeah. Yeah. And in popening arguments news tonight fantastic i was proud of that one we have an update on a story we've been following for damn near five years at this point it all started in june of 2017 when the vatican's first ever auditor general libero meloni abruptly resigned without explanation then after months of conflicting and often nonsensical explanations of his resignation from the Holy See, Maloney broke his silence

and claimed he was forced to step down after discovering evidence of possible illegal activity. That was in September of 2017. But since the Vatican is a sovereign autocratic fiefdom, there was no follow-up on that accusation.

Well, this week, in a mostly unrelated fraud trial, Cardinal Angelo Bichu goes on tight. Oh, yeah. But bless you would fuck the joke right up in this instance. Yeah. Anyway, as I was saying, Cardinal Bichu admitted for the first time that Maloney was forced to resign. And what's more, that he was forced to resign on direct order from Pope Francis fibrosis himself. OK, fired.

Yeah, you are right. That's called fire. They fired the guy that they hired to check if they should fire anybody. Yep. Fuck. Guys, guys, I'm starting to think

that maybe the good Pope isn't the compliment people keep saying it is, you know? Yeah. No, it's all relative. Now, when it was first announced last year, this trial was heralded

as some great symbol of Fran your isms commitment to justice because but she was at one time anyway, the third ranking official in the entire Vatican. And just like most of the Pope's gestures of reform, it sounds really good as long as you don't follow up on it. much like the story we started with, wherein the Pope and his then number two man, George fucking Pell, made a big show of empowering this new auditor general to quote, go anywhere and everywhere, end quote, in his review of the finances and management of the Vatican, like any Vatican department, actually.

And then two years later, they fired him and removed PricewaterhouseCoopers as their auditors altogether. Fucking Enron, Jesus. And they didn't bring anyone else on board to replace them right they never empowered those people even to release anything that they found yeah so this whole thing it's the catholic church's version of the inspector general system yeah that's the thing we started in the u.S. after Watergate to investigate government corruption and be an overseer.

So here's the sequence of events at the Vatican. They hired Maloney to investigate corruption. And then he started doing that job. And the Pope was like, guys, why would we do that? Fucks up our whole thing. He's fired. And Maloney at that point was like, hey, I definitely just found some corruption right now. Just now when you fired me.

They were like, I already fired too late, couldn't hear you. Yeah. The Catholic Church is like that friend that always bitches to you about how they can't find a nice guy, and you have to not point out that their last boyfriend's name was Chunch, and they met when he threw up on her at a state fair. You're just like,

this is you. It's hurtful no of course until now the official line from the vatican was that the ouster came because of a clash of operational styles which is it's probably spaces after the period yeah no really i mean it's probably true in in so much as maloney's operational style was legal right but you fast forward a couple of years and now cardinal bet you crawls out from beneath the bus that frankie just tossed him under and found his way to a witness stand where he's asked about maloney's 2017 departure and at first he declines to answer quote out of love for the holy father end quote which is the

vatican equivalent of saying i don't want to tell the truth because it would make the Pope look guilty. So the next day, apparently with Frankie's permission, he testified that the call for Maloney's resignation came from the top. What's more, he says that Maloney was fired after hiring outside investigators to spy on high ranking Vatican officials. OK, that was a weird case for the spy kids. It got dark. And can I say, by far the most dangerous. Yeah, right. Wrong investigators to hire in this instance.

They made a noir sequel, but they didn't release it. For good reason. Sorry to throw so much shit at you all at the same time, but it's a quick reminder that Pope Francis' reforms are the religious equivalent of that time that BP made their logo green to convince you that they were environmentally conscious. Okay.

Just don't take their shit seriously. And next up in headlines. We have a story about Donald Trump's foray into the online media game. And it's not going well at all. at all. Despite getting over a billion dollars for investors, his attempt to add an alt-right version of Twitter and Facebook called Truth Social is still going

nowhere. Should have been called Twiter, by the way. Come on. And their whole business plan at Twiter, what should be Twiter, is a social media app and they still don't have an app for Android available. Well, it's tricky, you know. It's tricky.

And if you search for Truth social on google it says no information is available for this page they prevented us from creating a page description for some reason well apparently trump decided to pivot and start his own streaming service for shows that got canceled by the culture. The plan is to create a platform to promote evangelical Christianity, guns, and anti-woke programming. So Newsmax, Pure Flix, The Daily Wire, Christian Cinema, Infowars, OHN, and Fox News weren't doing it for him? Nope.

He thinks the market needs an eighth white supremacy network. You're just naming woke shit, Eli. Yeah. That's true. See, when Heath said it would promote Christianity, guns, and racism, I was going to be like, oh, it's going to compete with the Republican Party, but then I remembered it has a platform, so that doesn't work.

Right, that's true. So the Trump Media and Technology Group, TMTG, filed a prospectus for the new streaming service, and that service is going to be called TMTG+. Fuck it. Prejudice Network was right there. That's excellent. So, according to that prospectus, it's going to feature, quote, blue-collar comedy.

God, such a bad start. Yeah, baby. Wow. quote blue collar comedy god such a bad start yeah baby wow canceled shows trump specific programming it's de-escalating so fast trump specific programming faith-based shows oh it is family entertainment shows that embrace the second amendment and news'm going to add an asterisk right there. News, end quote. I'm sorry. I just kick it over the idea that it's going to be like a bunch of Christo fascist propaganda and season two of Firefly. I'm really into that one.

This prospectus also added, quote, TMTG's programming will provide a non-woke alternative to the programs offered by streaming services that operate in an increasingly politicized environment. TMTG will not censor the creators of entertainment, nor will it insist that its programming push some particular political ideology. Except you literally just said Trump-specific programming in your description of your thing moments ago. It's fine. Continuing. You literally just said Trump specific programming in your description of your thing moments ago. It's fine. Continuing. TMTG believes that embracing diverse perspectives will differentiate TMTG plus in the current crowded media and entertainment marketplace. End quote.

OK. So first of all, if you're not going to censor your creators, it's all white supremacy and porn. That's the entire website but secondly nothing says we're committed to diversity like saying that you're anti-woke yep is that is that your that's what they said yes okay heath noah i've been angling for a scathing atheist tv show for a while now and we can test their premise at the same time come on bullshit soon and uh by the way a little little background on this just for the record a bunch of the investors who gave trump over a billion dollars in seed money have already admitted how stupid that was of them to give him that money the company that's taking tmtg public even mentioned that fact in the official document they had to file before selling any stock

the document has a dedicated section entitled risks related to our chairman donald trump and it says things like yeah this guy goes bankrupt like constantly he lost at owning casinos as the house that happened and he's being investigated for like so many crimes, like so many guys. It's so many fucking crimes. Anyway, who wants to buy some stock? We're selling stocks with that guy as the chairman. Still a much better pitch than I've ever heard about an NFT. No, that's fair.

That is fair. So obviously TMTG, the Prejudice Network is what we're calling it. That's going to be a garbage fire. But it also just wrote our entire schedule for God-awful movies for the next several, and they're bankrupt. Okay. Never mind. We could get some

archives maybe, but yeah, they're gone. And in Snap Crackle Top News, thanks to a pride campaign from 2021 and a doctored image from 4chan, Christians were convinced that one of the Rice Krispie mascots is trans this week. And you know what that means. What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. Yes, the super duper obviously edited image is made up to look like a CNN story from May 20th and reads with the headline, quote, Kellogg's spokesperson announces Rice Krispie mascot Pop is now a trans woman, end quote. And Pop has rosy cheeks and a purple ponytail. ponytail in the picture yeah it's so sad look if i worked for kellogg's marketing department i would lose my job explaining that no no they're still all bisexual trans men like they've always been i love that a non-zero number of stupid fucking bigots were just sadly dumping out a big tray of rice crispy treats last week when they heard about this fake story also a different non-zero number that ate them anyway while weeping, just being like, but they're so delicious.

I don't know. I'm still gonna be big and I swear. They are delicious though. Let's just plant that flag. So good. So in spite of the super obvious satire and the fact that the headline spelt crispy wrong,

that didn't stop Christian idiots from picking this up and running with it newsmax host grant stitchenfield got super fucking confused and won on this absolutely insane rant about lucky charms which yes is a different that's a different cereal right yeah in his weird rant he called the lucky charms leprechaun gay and said of, I guess, Lucky Charms, quote, The cereal is rainbow hearts covered in edible glitter. How nice.

Give me a break. Here's the worst part. The cereal slogan, too amazing to put into a box, and then lists a space for kids to write in their own pronouns. Seriously. For those of you who want to vilify me for those comments, right? Right there? Aren't you just as offended

by the flamboyant rainbow hearts and glitter as a symbol of gayness? See, there are two standards here. I'm offended that he thinks hearts are the only charm in Lucky Charms.

Right? Yes. Idiot. It's a whole fucking rainbow in there. Yeah. One last thing. As is always the case when the Christians invent some new gay

menace, we got one of my favorite things in the universe. The dead-eyed, hateful statement of the company, which in this case came from Kellogg's spokesperson, Chris Banner, who said in an email to several press outlets, quote,

we have made no changes to the Rice Krispies mascot snap, crackle, and pop. Adding, what happened to us? We used to fly to the moon. Eli, did he actually say that last part? No, but they wanted to. I could tell they really wanted to. I'm very obviously wanted to. Speaking from their heart.

Rainbow heart. And finally tonight, in Devotions 11 news, a golden tabernacle valued at over $2 million was stolen from a Catholic church in Brooklyn last week. The theft, which the Diocese of Brooklyn... Devotions 11, that's excellent. Well, thank you. Oh, it's fantastic, yeah.

The theft, I was going to go with like Oceans 11-16 or something like that, but I didn't think that would really play. So theft which the diocese of brooklyn is calling quote a brazen crime of disrespect and hate end quote happened sometime between thursday evening and saturday afternoon of last week and eli was with me the entire time i can account for all of his movements that day true this is absolutely not part of a prank war even though in addition to stealing the tabernacle the thieves also appear to have cut the head part of a prank war, even though in addition to stealing the tabernacle, the thieves also appear to have cut the head off of a random angel statue.

Pretty sure the Simpsons did it. I love that the diocese is like, that is for inspiring awe in the peasants that we can keep raping their children. Damn it. Not for, you know, whatever useful stuff they're going to use it for, like drugs. Yeah, right. Money. damn it not for you know whatever useful stuff they're gonna use it for like drugs yeah right money so all right so the tabernacle which is apparently the bejeweled box that they keep the eucharist in when they're not actively devouring the flesh of their god was first completed in 1895

it's so insane when you say their things out loud yeah that's all it takes yeah it's our whole shtick so now it's been described in some, the tabernacle has been described in some press outlets as solid gold, but I think it's actually silver with 18 karat gold overlaid on the silver. It's also bedecked with an assortment of jewels that the church apparently got by asking the parishioners back in 1890 or whatever to just bring in their jewelry and donate it to the world's most ostentatious bread box. The guidebook on the church's website pointsentatious bread box. The guidebook on the church's website points out that the tabernacle is, quote, guarded by its own

security system, which includes a, quote, electronically operated burglar-proof safe, end quote. Huh. Yeah, look for a mostly to be inserted in that description soon. Alright, guys, lesson learned. We need to get a new safe and put that inside

a safe because I think that was the problem. Also, pro tip, if you have a giant box that's encrusted in jewels, don't describe its security system on your website. There you go. Literally nobody but the people who want to steal it care about that information.

So yeah, apparently the thieves just cut through that burglar proof safe with a saw they also cut into a different safe which the church says was empty at the time which either means they have a decorative safe at that church or they were using that to hide money from their rape victims one of those the crime was discovered by father frank tomino who noticed the door of the church was ajar when he walked by Saturday afternoon. He went in to find the tabernacle missing and the Eucharist strewn about the altar. Termino said that the sight made him ill,

which, like, to be fair, for him, that's like, you know, he walked in there and saw a body part strewn around a crime scene, so I get it. The cops arrived. They're like, hey, man, did you... Did you draw a chalk outline of Jesus around those crackers on the ground? What's happening?

There was blood everywhere, sir. That's peach schnapps. You can't just make everything. No, and look, I'm not trying to endorse theft by making light of this. I get that there's a historical and artistic value to this thing that's going to be lost forever when it's melted down. But the fact that a tax-exempt charitable organization has a two million dollar cracker barrel was the real crime all along so i have absolutely zero sympathy for the so-called

victims yeah plus the history of that box is the catholic church has a lot of money yep there i summed it up for you now help me preheat the oven it was with me come off by the whole time okay so with that andrewved closing in the books and a bunch of other ones on the cutting room floor, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. You're welcome. And when we come back,

Don Ford will be here to fantasize about adventure. For the last time, Eli, you can talk about your new parenting show, Dear Old Dads, next week. This week, Andrew has some super serious stuff that he wants to talk to the audience about, and we just finished Matron. It's just, you know, I just don't want to pull the audience in too many directions at once. No, that's fair. That's fair. I have the sponsor copy right here.

It's actually a new advertiser this week. Oh, is it? Yeah, brand new. It have the sponsor copy right here. It's actually a new advertiser this week. Oh, is it? Yeah, brand new. It just came from Audiobang. Audioboom. Yup. Them. That. Yes. Okay, alright. And action. You don't need to call action before

the ads. Right. Yes. Action. Hey, Eli, what's the matter? Oh, hey, Noah. Yeah, old Hoofy here really is having a tough time. Who's Hoofy? He's my pet deer. He's just so young and inexperienced, you see. Well, why don't you try Old Deer Dads? Seriously, dude. It's a legitimate sponsor. What is Old Deer Dads, Noah?

It's a legitimate sponsor. What is Old Deer Dads, Noah? Old Deer Dads has the world-wise and street-smart deer you need to grow your pet deer into the stag you've always hoped they would be. Eli, this is literally nonsense. Almost done with the ad, Noah, that we got paid to do. So get your deer a dad that is old and deer, the other sense of the word, even though you spelled them wrong both times, at olddeardads.com. Olddeardads.com. Please listen to Eli's new podcast.

That's their catchphrase. No. No, it's not. You know, we make jokes a lot on Bible Peace Theater about how Eli doesn't read ahead. Or at least I thought we were making jokes, but apparently not only does he not read ahead, but he doesn't even glance ahead. Like, enough to realize that there are only four or five pages left in the book of the Bible

that he's satirizing, which is why we're happy to bring you this week's snack-sized version of Bible Peace Theater. How can you say arming teachers is a good idea? What are you talking about? No, you're not listening. It's not for the mass shooters.

It's for transphobic parents and people who don't like critical race theory. Oh, okay. That's actually a really good idea. I like that. Thank you. Hey, guys. You guys ready for Bible Peace Theater?

Oh, yeah. The part of the show where we act out the Bible to save our audience from reading it? You bet. Okay, so where did we leave off? Alright, so Hezekiah was the king of Israel, and unlike his predecessors, he actually listened to God, so God hadn't killed him yet. And he was played by me. Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure.

Don, did you install a spotlight in our house so you could introduce yourself? Yes. I knew that plumber looked familiar. Okay, that makes sense. You guys don't do that? Okay. Anyway, one day Hezekiah takes ill. Oh!

Oh, I am sick. Sick to death, one might say. You call for me, King Hezekiah? Yes, Isaiah. Oh, oh, I am sick, sick to death, one might say. You call for me, King Hezekiah? Yes, Isaiah, I am terribly ill. Can you speak to God to see if he can help a guy out? Oh, yeah, sure. No, I thought the God, he said you're going to live.

Just, you know, smear some figs on your boil smear some figs on my boil yep yep and did god send i don't know a sign that i would be healed i mean he sent me but no no it's fine let me do a magic trick to you know put a button on your magic healing for you oh Oh, sorry. It's fine. It's fine. No, you know what? God is going to move the sun 10 degrees. Wow. Won't that obliterate the universe? No, no. For some reason, it will not. Just look at your shadow.

Oh, it's moving. There's absolutely no reason it could be doing that except for God! Right? And look, now God turned the sun into a doggie! Okay, man, that's too far. Yeah, right, no, it's just a shadow thing. Never mind, never mind. Didn't even get to do the bird.

What's that? I said something about God's word. God's word. I said something about God's word. God's word. And this one is the part of the same battalion, but it has a longer range. Yeah. Cool.

And now the D&D minifigs are in this case over here. Oh, God. Okay. When you look at the time. Yeah, I got to. This is awesome. But I got to head back to Babylonia right now. Oh. Oh, really? I haven't awesome, but I gotta head back to Babylonia right now. Oh. Oh,

really? I haven't even shown you my collection of Dragon Magazines. Dragon Magazines. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sad, sad. Original print. Yeah, no, that sounds great. Real sad to miss that, but I gotta go. I gotta do, um, I gotta do Babylon stuff. Okay.

Hey, who was that? Oh, that was the son of the king of babylon i was just showing him all the cool stuff in my kingdom yeah yeah no i thought that might be it so i got bad news uh-oh yeah what's the bad news yeah that guy he's gonna steal all your stuff uh and your sons will be eunuchs in his palace. Oh, really? Is it because I showed him my stuff? No, it's because you buy pre-painted minifigures. Okay, that's fair. So Hezekiah dies, and Manasseh becomes king,

but he's super bad. He sets up idols. He sacrifices his sons to the wrong god. He builds stuff in high places. So god makes an especially odd promise to his prophets prophets hear me yes god manasseh has done great evil in his life i will make so much evil come up on jerusalem that people who hear about it shall have tingly ears. Uh, sorry. Uh, tingly ears?

Yes, yes. You know, like, uh, like that, uh, that noise. Oh, you mean tinnitus? Yes, that. Okay. No, okay, that's bad. Well, and, and, I haven't finished yet.

I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you mean literally you're going to turn Jerusalem upside down? It's going to be bad and scary. You guys are too literal. Why would turning it upside down be part of dish wiping? I think he means to get the back. You know, never mind. Never mind.

Okay, let's see. Bad king, bad king, good king. Breaks the elders, kills some people, then bad king, bad king, bad king. And then the Babylonians destroy Jerusalem and take their stuff. And that's the end of the book.

Oh, that's like it of the book oh that's like it's not a lot there's not a lot of stories in Kings okay but I mean what did we learn well though it seems there's a conundrum in the podcast bible pieces always

ended in a song in the past Noah used to write poems too. And then I'd turn them into songs for all of you. But as it happens, one fell between the cracks. So I have nowhere to start. Do you think I pulled these songs out of my ass? It isn't true.

What can I do? Cause I'm not gonna read Kings 2 Fuck you, it's a crap shoot Way too long to get into For just one song Go Google it Go to sparknotes.com

Cause I'm not gonna read Kings 2 Cause I'm not gonna read King's Tooth. So I've come to surmise that the problem it lies in those biblical tomes where inspiration goes to die. Don't wanna do it, couldn't get through it. But I'm not the guy, so fucking screw it. And I think it's kinda of crazy and I'm like I'm off this lazy but I'm rejecting

that you're expecting me to come up with amazing lyrics don't need your panegyrics the evidence is empiric that I'm not gonna read Kings 2 fuck you it's a crap shoot way too long to get into

for just one song. Go be glitzy. Go to sparknotes.com Cause I'm not gonna read it. Fuck Elijah, dies off, leaves Elisha uncharged, and he thrives at the prophet's stuffy. Jehu kills two fiends, and poor Jezebel flings out a window, and she snuffs

at me. Assyria comes for us. Ezek is victorious cause God thinks he's glorious. Genesia is bad and with Judah God's had it then something about Babylon. Ugh. Fuck why did I read Kings 2? Fuck you. It's a crap shoot. Way too long but

I got into it for just one song. I googled it dude. Went to sparknotes.com. But why did Irene Kings too? Thank you, Anna. As always, you are so too good for us that I feel inadequate to even sufficiently thank you for your work. Now, before we go tonight, I want to do something a bit unusual. Friend of the show, Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast asked if he could have your ear for a few minutes for a bit of a call to action.

So, class, we have a guest. Andrew, take it away. Hi, this is Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast, and this is a call to action. It's a way you can make a difference just by sending an email. This is a baseball story that's not about baseball. Gabe Kapler is the reigning National League Manager of the Year. Last year, he led the San Francisco Giants to 107 wins, which is the most ever. It goes back to 1883. This year, the Giants are 25 and 21. They're one of the better teams in the league. And yet, some people want Gabe Kapler fired.

And as you might suspect, it's for reasons that have nothing to do the league. And yet, some people want Gabe Kapler fired. And as you might suspect, it's for reasons that have nothing to do with baseball. You see, last Friday, in the wake of the Uvalde school shooting, Kapler wrote a heart-wrenching blog post called Home of the Brave? I was going to read some of the most moving parts, but I realized it's all moving. Here are his words.

The day 19 children and two teachers were murdered, we held a moment of silence at sporting events around the country. Then we played the national anthem and we went on with our lives. Players, staff, and fans stood for the moment of silence, grieving the lives lost, and then we, myself included, continued to stand, proudly proclaiming ourselves the land of the free and the home of the brave. We didn't stop to reflect on whether we're actually free and brave after this horrific event. We just stood at attention. horrific event. We just stood at attention. When I was the same age as the children in Uvalde, my father taught me to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance when I believed my country was representing its people well, or to protest and stay seated when it wasn't. I don't believe it is representing us well right now. This particular time, an 18-year-old walked into a store, bought multiple assault rifles and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, walked into a school with an armed resource officer in its own police district, and was able to murder children for nearly an hour.

Parents begged and pleaded with police officers to do something. Police officers who had weapons and who received nearly 40% of the city's funding as their children were being murdered. We elect our politicians to represent our interests. Immediately following the shooting, we were told we needed locked doors and armed teachers. We were given thoughts and prayers. We were told it could have been worse and we just need love. But we weren't given bravery and we aren't free. The police on the scene put a mother in handcuffs as she begged them to go in and save her children. They blocked parents trying to organize to charge in to stop the shooter, including a father who learned his daughter was murdered while he argued with the cops.

We aren't free when politicians decide that the lobbyists and the gun industries are more important than our children's freedom to go to school without needing bulletproof backpacks and active shooter drills. I'm often struck before our games by the lack of delivery of the promise of what our national anthem represents. We stand in honor of a country where we elect representatives to serve us, to thoughtfully consider and enact legislation that protects the interests of all the people in this country, and to move this country forward towards the vision of that shining city on the hill. that shining city on the hill. But instead, we thoughtlessly link our moment of silence and grief with the equally thoughtless display of celebration for a country that refuses to take up the concept of controlling the sale of weapons used nearly exclusively for the mass slaughter of human

beings. We have our moment over and over, and then we move on without demanding real change from the people we empower to make those changes. We stand, we bow our heads, and the people in power leave on recess, celebrating their own patriotism at every turn. Every time I place my hand over my heart and remove my hat, I'm participating in a self-congratulatory glorification of the only country where these mass shootings take place. On Wednesday, I walked out onto the field. I listened to the announcement as we honored the victims in Uvalde. I bowed my head. I stood for the national anthem, Metallica riffed on City Connect guitars. My brain said, drop to a knee. My body didn't listen. I wanted to walk back inside. Instead, I froze. I felt like a coward. I didn't want to call attention to myself. I didn't want to take

away from the victims or their families. This was a baseball game. There was a rock band. There were lights, pageantry. I knew that thousands of people were using this game to escape the horrors of the world for just a little bit. I knew that thousands more wouldn't understand the gesture, would take it as an offense to the military, to veterans, to themselves. But I am not okay with the state of this country. I wish I hadn't let my discomfort compromise my integrity. I wish that I could have demonstrated what I learned from my dad, my integrity. I wish that I could have demonstrated what I learned from my dad, that when you're dissatisfied with your country, you let it be known through protest. The home of the brave should encourage this. And that's it. Gabe Kapler announced he wasn't going to mindlessly trot out onto the field and place his hand over his heart anymore. He was

going to use his position, his visibility, to do what he could to stand for change. Now, you may know San Francisco as the town where an African-American quarterback, sending a similar message, got blackballed out of the league for quietly taking a knee during the national anthem. I don't know the full story there, but I do know that right now, the same people that drummed out Colin Kaepernick, led by ex-Giants ballplayer Aubrey Huff, a MAGA hat-wearing, true-believing Trumper, are organizing their followers to flood the Giants

with complaints about Gabe Kapler. And they have. Hate is a powerful motivator, and the giants are a business. They care about their bottom line. The risk that Gabe Kapler gets fired over this is real. It's happened before. Unless we show them that courage and social change can be good for business too. show them that courage and social change can be good for business too. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to take 30 seconds and send an email to the Giants. I'm going to give you the email addresses in a minute. And I want you to say three simple things in your own words. They are,

They are, one, I stand with Gabe Kapler. I support the message. Two, I applaud the Giants for having the courage to back their manager. I applaud the Giants for standing against gun violence and for not shutting him down. And number three, and this is the important part, I'll be supporting the team financially. Listening to games, going to games, buying a Gabe Kapler jersey, telling my friends to do the same, whatever. And that's it. I know a lot of you feel the same way I do.

And right now, our voices are being overwhelmed. They are being drowned out by right-wing hate monsters who are boycotting the Giants, threatening never to go to games, threatening not to buy merchandise until Kapler gets fired. let's let his bosses know that we support him that's the president of baseball operations farhan zaidi and the ceo larry bear b-a-e-r theirD-I at S-F-G-I-A-N-T-S dot C-O-M. And L-Bear at S-F-Giants dot com. L-B-A-E-R at S-F-G-I-A-N-T-S dot com. That's F-Zaidie at S-F-Giants dot com. And L-Bear at S-F-Giants dot com. Thank you so much for listening to this thank you for writing emails together we can make a difference all right noah you ready to do the next ad yeah where's uh where's

heath oh he um well he is eli did you lock him in the costume trunk in the attic again we were playing spooky ghosts. Great. Okay, this one is a real sponsor, right? Not just an excuse for you to plug your podcast with Tom and Thomas that comes out on Friday? No, no. It's for Raycons. We do ads for them all the time. Well, I mean, they are a real sponsor.

Exactly. Action. What did I say? You know what? It's fine. It's fine. Hey, Eli, what are you listening to? Oh, hello, Noah. I was just listening to the brand new podcast, Dear Old Dads.

It's about parenting, masculinity, and our own experience being both parents and sons. Available Friday on iTunes. I see. And how are the headphones you're listening to it on? They're fine. You know, in today's world of parenting, there are so few places for men to join together and talk about fatherhood. That's what Dear Old Dads is there for. It's there to teach, but it's also there to learn, much like the Buddha. Say literally anything about the headphones they are paying us for this ad for, please.

They're made by that guy who fucked Kim Kardashian. Okay. Dear Old Dads. Kardashian. Okay. Dear old dads. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it. Now, we're going to have to do this one without Heath, which is a damn shame considering the feedback and question. For medical

reasons. Yeah, right, right, yeah. For reasons of his blood pressure. So look, normally we don't do listener feedback on the show if all we're going to do is make fun of the person who sent it. You know, the whole point of this segment is to open up a line of dialogue with the listeners and dunking on the people who reach

out to us is not a great way to do that. Yeah, so just for the record, Noah is totally dismissing my idea for a brand new segment called Eli's Internet Feuds and he's doing it on the air. Yep, yep, he sure is. But I have to say, there is a level of stupid

where that rule of thumb no longer counts. There are some listeners whose feedback is so impossibly asinine that we actually want to cut off that line of communication altogether. And holy shit, was that the case this week? Plus, I did a whole diatribe last week about how rationality and atheism aren't as intertwined as we like to think that they are. And this email is damn good evidence that I'm right. So here we go.

Chris writes, writes i'm quite disappointed that you won't use widely available evidence and facts to determine that trump did in fact win the election oh it's this kind of email okay biden cheated the proof is widely available yeah it's weird how none of it made it into the multiple documentaries we watched about even the ones that were named after proof yeah he goes on why would you not consider it i thought you to be a critical thinker oh you're getting warmer you're getting warmer he's almost there no but he doesn't he turns he turns the other way but you made up your mind about politics and stopped considering that you may be getting lied to and you won't budge you budged on religion so why not politics again you're getting warmer i'm not asking you to switch sides who the fuck am i to you great question such a great question chris

i'm just asking you to try harder to find the truth in politics stop using google search for one thing yeah nothing fucks up your argument quite like credible sources right no no he goes no he explains they have algorithms in place to prevent the truth from coming out try duck duck go but with this caveat although they are now censoring the truth about russia and ukraine okay so chris wrote us to say your sources are lying to you and so are mine please take me very seriously it's not the great start chris is hoping for no i don't think so he goes out he's with it wait there's so much more the democrats are destroying or our country's sick today biden has started a war for no reason forced vaxes on hundreds of millions

of people millions of whom have died from the vaccine alone all caps and triple vaxed people are catching covid multiple times whereas unvaxed are much less likely to get it see these are the kind of hard-hitting facts you can only find on duck duck go well you can't find them on google that's for sure thanks bud love your atheism content anyway chris if i could release this show to everybody but you i would i absolutely would chris i'm considering shutting our show down in spite of the several cancer patients i know who are listening just to hurt you chris there you go yeah he goes on my only hope at this point is that when i catch up on your latest content you will have realized how fucked up the democrats are currently being and will acknowledge your mistakes in your thinking

something that democrats are rarely capable of do oh sorry are rarely capable of due to, as you put it, hubris, ego, control freakiness, et cetera. How dare you say I would put anything like that, Chris? Control freakiness? Whose podcast has Chris been listening to? I need to know. Chris, did you click a wrong? You clicked wrong, Chris. I must have.

I hope you clicked wrong. Anyway, he then goes on to offer, he says, I would be happy to send irrefutable, literally, evidence your way if you're open to it. I'm hoping your critical thinking nature can look past your ego and acknowledge you were wrong. Sure thing, Chris. There's a direct line on my PO box deep inside your own anus. So just shove your evidence up there real deep and i'll get it eventually now now noah let's not be close-minded chris i would love to see your evidence please

email it to me we don't do feedback segments nearly as often as i'd like and you're uh what we call in the biz the goose that lays the golden egg chris yeah Yeah, that's way more of a response than the email deserves, but for the record, whenever I find stuff like this in my inbox, I always respond with the same three little words, Mark as spam. Alright, well, Heath is still screaming in that box we locked

him in in the attic, so that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com before we relapse tonight i wanted to let you know about a new podcast you should add your list look for dear old dads debuting tomorrow wherever you get your podcasts. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday.

And even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Sanitation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this podcast couldn't climax if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his strength, Eli Bosnick for his dexterity, Lucid Illusions for her intelligence, Andrew Torres for his wisdom, Don Ford for his constitution, and Anna Bosnick for her charisma. I also need to thank the guys from the Champions TTRPG podcast

for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you need more RPG actual play podcasts in your life, be sure to check out the show notes for a link to their show. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous matrioneers. Andrew, Layla, K, Bernadius, Tylan, Nathan, Punspector, Elizabeth, Nicole, Three Jameses, Reluctant Skeptic, Bobby, That Alien Guy, Benjamin, Katie, Casey, Daffy, Saturn, Parasocial Activity, Three, Cynthia, TE Premium is the pits,

David, Camp Quest Michigan Needs Volunteers, Dustin, Dan, Laura, Old School, Scott, Aubrey, Lost in the podcast first feral cowboy elvin the painter destruct boy john b christopher two chris's dylan amber ian steven sarah mike tyler matt from canada offer zombie nerve 42 rebecca mr griff daniel steven ruth mary ian josh gage florida man news natasha scotty sauce fingers laura ghost wolf adam dave not a lot talking guy jane anella palusa david old crow sean phil eric white chocolate temptation Dave, NotALawTalkingGuy, Jane, Onela, Palooza, David, OldCrow, Sean, Phil, Eric, WhiteChocolateTemptation, FitzClortho, KeyBastard, Gozer, and Bradley. Whose genitals will take your breath away even more than trying to belt out 76 names without an inhale. Together, these 76 people, requests, locations, desires, podcasts, and Ghostbuster characters made sure Matron went out with a bang this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, if you do you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com scathing a this whereby you own early access to an extended and free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page of scathingads.com and if you'd like to help but we haven't found the magic words yet don't worry we will try again next week legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of b andrew torres tim robison handles our social media and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the content page at ScathingAdias.com. Who am I in this one? I'm somebody, right? You're just in a... You're Isaiah, that's right. Yeah, have I done Isaiah before?

I'm just wondering if I should give him i think so all right then i shouldn't probably give him a voice yeah because continuity is a thing we strive yeah no you're right the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2022 all rights reserved