The Scathing Atheist - 535: Mormon Money Mormon Problems Edition

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

On this week’s episode: The Disney gay agenda comes from INSIDE the classroom ... Russia offers asylum to the downtrodden Christians of America ... And the talented Bosnick returns to class up the joint. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: A Missouri agency tried to classify a fetus as an employee: https://www.kcur.org/health/2023-05-09/a-missouri-agency-tried-to-classify-a-fetus-as-an-employee-raising-concerns-about-personhood-laws Florida teacher under investigation for showing a Disney film where a gay character...exists: https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-politics-and-policy/florida-teacher-investigation-showing-disney-film-gay-character-rcna84446 https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2023/05/15/desantis-defunds-dei-programs-florida-colleges/ The IRS just hiked taxes on private jet flights and pastors are not excluded: https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2023/05/11/irs-just-hiked-taxes-private-jet-flights-pastors-are-not-excluded/ Mormons are super sketch about their secret money on 60 Minutes: https://www.axios.com/2023/05/15/mormon-whistleblower-60-minutes-church-finances Russia planning a village for conservative Americans who want to move to a 'Christian country': https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/russia-is-floating-a-plan-to-build-a-village-for-conservative-americans-who-want-to-move-to-a-christian-country-and-are-tired-of-liberal-ideology-in-the-us/ The Pope’s Exorcist used video game symbol instead of the real one: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2023/05/russell-crowe-movie-mistakes-dragon-age-icon-for-spanish-inquisition-symbol/

Warning, if you're offended by words and you want a podcast that's polite, keep listening and let us know how it feels to want. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by MySheetsRock and by the creepy social club for Paul Ryan and a bunch of other GOP Christian white guys, Orion Brotherhood. Orion Brotherhood. Why do people keep vandalizing our sign? And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is the official press representative of Cara Santa Maria's new book, Pseudoscience and Therapy, here to say that the fact that every single review for her new book mentions that Cara did 9-11

is fantastic evidence that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's May 18th. And it's I Love Reese's Day. And more of a Three Musketeers guy. Fuck you. There it is. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright. And from Bruce Springsteen's New Jersey and Kid Rocks Michigan, This is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, the Disney gay agenda comes from inside the classroom. Russia offers asylum to the downtrodden Christians of America. And the talented Bosnic returns to class up the joint. But first, the Eli tribe. Well, it's official. I'm a suburban dad because I'm talking about parking. I'm mad about parking. And I think about another person's van way too often. Now, I promise this gets to religion in a second, but hear me out. So first things first, I don't have a driveway or a garage at my house. My home is positioned all the way at the top of

this suburban hill, like I'm expecting the galls at any moment. It's part of the reason why we got the house so cheap. Well, that and the asbestos and the old power panel we had to legally agree to replace when we bought our house, but that's not the point. The point is, I park on the street like a commoner, and usually that isn't a problem. That is, until park on the street like a commoner. And usually, that isn't a problem. That is, until a couple weeks ago, when my neighbor decided to start parking his church's van in front of my house. Now, I'll say at the outset, I don't know this neighbor very well. In spite of living right next to me, we've spoken twice.

Once when his kid lost a ball in our yard and once when Anna and I brought some welcome brownies to the house when they first moved in. Maybe he has celiac disease and I insulted him. I don't know. He seems like a nice enough guy, but now the van has me questioning that. So first things first, the address of the church is right on the side of the van, which means that the church has a building and that building has a parking lot, a parking lot that would probably fit his giant fucking cargo van better than my humble suburban street. So now the van is a metaphor to me. It's religion taking up three tax-paid parking spaces when it could be in its tax-free parking lot next to its tax-free building.

Religion discontented with everything it gets for free, parking in front of my house to feed on my goddamn parking space. And don't get me wrong, I want to give the van the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that van brings meals to people who need them. Maybe that van ferries children people who need them. Maybe that van ferries children to much-needed services. But I don't know that the van does any of that. All I know is that the van takes things to and from a church, a condition that almost always worsens both the before and after states of the exchange. But more importantly, the van is now a symbol of my neighbor. See, I look at that van now,

and I wonder who my neighbor votes for. Statistically, I have a pretty good idea. Statistically, I also know where he stands on most political issues of the day, and I do not like those stances. Now, maybe he's an exception. Maybe he's a Black Lives Matter, support and gay love and friend to all. But the van is not a symbol of being those things. The van is a symbol of the opposite. The van says, hey, the people inside this van

are so sure that gays are going to hell and that Christ rose from the dead that we need a building to talk about it in once a week. And that building has so many people and things coming and going that we bought a van to support the activities.

And now it's here taking up your parking spot and you can't say anything because who gets mad at a van? Well, me. I'm mad at a church van. I hate the fucking church van. I want to slash its tires and smash its windows.

And when my neighbor comes down in the morning, I want him to feel half as unsafe as his fucking church van has made people feel for the last couple of millennia. But I don't. But I don't. And I won't. Because it's just a van in front of my house that I think about

too often. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the biscuits to my gravy, Eli Bosnick. Eli, are you ready to sop it up? All right, but bis quick about it.

Okay. Pan. In our lead story tonight. Ever since the Dobbs ruling struck down Roe v. Wade, the following two things are true. One, according to the law in many red states, a fetus is a full-fledged person. And two, according to reality, no the fuck it's not, what the fuck are you talking about? And that's the logical landscape in Missouri, where a pregnant woman was killed in the course of her job at the Department of Transportation. Her family sued for the wrongful death of the fetus.

at the Department of Transportation. Her family sued for the wrongful death of the fetus, but the department is claiming the woman and the fetus were both employees. So it's technically just two on-the-job accidental deaths, but not a wrongful death. So they're not responsible. Okay. That's the argument. Sure, but I think we can all agree that cramming a fellow employee

up into your uterus during work time is sexual harassment. So the DOT might not be fully to blame on this one. This is a tricky one. Yeah, it's tricky. Good point. Big thanks to Evan, by the way, for the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com. Good stuff.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Heath, are you telling me that listeners can send us silly news from the world of religion at scathingnews at gmail.com and not only hear it on the show. That, true. But when we inevitably have to dissemble Noah's Nintendo Switch to get him back on the air, we'll send them a piece of it to keep it secret like the wand of seven parts. Is that what you're saying to me? I don't think. Well, you know what? Actually, that's a pretty good idea.

I think it's the only way we're getting him back. So nothing Eli ever says here in this little part is true, but I a pretty good idea. I think it's the only way we're getting him back. So nothing Eli ever says here in this little part is true, but I do like that idea. So here's how this absurd fucking MC Escher-shaped legal battle got started. In 2021, Caitlin Anderson, pregnant at the time, was doing road work at her job, and she got tragically hit by a car and killed. Yeah, and I know that sounds sad, podcast listener,

but she did spell Caitlin with a K. So, you know, it's hard to decide what to feel about things. Mixed. So the Anderson family tried to sue the Department of Transportation on Caitlin's behalf. But according to the workers compensation laws in Missouri, employers can't be held liable for wrongful death if the worker dies on the job. So the Anderson family said, okay, fine. We're suing on behalf of the fetus now. And as we all know, personhood and legal rights began at conception. So this should work. Okay. Well, now I'm way less concerned about the latter attempt than I am by the former law, because that sure as hell sounds like Missouri

is incentivizing employers to put down their injured employees like a fucking racing horse. No, it's confusing. Again, I don't know what to feel about things. Putting a weird little tent over Caitlin on the side of the highway. Sorry. Sorry. It takes a while to move them. Yeah, I get it.

So everyone involved is apparently a crazy person from Missouri, and they all agree that a messy egg is a person. Yeah, messy egg. And from there, it escalates to crazy level two. In response to the lawsuit about the fetus, the Department of Transportation argued, yeah, no, totally, totally a person. We all agree on that. But also we were employing that totally a person person fetus. And when asked for a comment regarding that legal argument they were making, attorneys for the state said absolutely nothing. Because what the fuck would they say? Yeah.

Lawyer's just taking a drag from his cigarette. You guys should have a magic battle over it. It feels like this shouldn't involve us, right? Because we're like, we have to say the word facts. You know, we have to say that, right? This should not have to. I feel bad for the lawyers. So the case in Missouri has a trial set for 2024.

Hopefully, they argue that the fetus employee was getting paid below minimum wage. I want them to hit all the loopholes. We'll see how it goes. But regardless, the whole concept is completely untenable. When Roe v. Wade was still intact, we had clear language that said, yeah, obviously individual rights don't apply to a fetus. And I'm guessing when they came up with that, when they wrote that ruling in 1973, it was because a fetus is not an individual. It's part of a pregnant person's body. But now that Roe is gone, the entire legal topic devolves into absurdity.

For example, a child becomes an adult on their 18th birthday in a place like California. But that would technically happen three months after their 17th birthday in Missouri. And a guy who got convicted for child molestation tried to use that argument in court in Missouri. Yikes. Yeah.

That was in 2018, and the argument didn't work, thankfully, but now it might be different. Same goes for a pregnant person being prosecuted for drugging a child if they were caught, say, drinking tea made with marijuana leaves to treat morning sickness, which some people do. And I said that in hypothetical language, but that actually happened in Missouri and led to an arrest. Yeah. First of all, don't do the marijuana tea

for their other treatments for nausea while you're pregnant. But two, real medicine for that. Two, let's talk about the real problem here. I'm talking, of course, about the Irish. Too many of your

people said, may you live in interesting times, and we've ended up here, Heath. What do you have to say for yourself? You know what? I have no excuses for the Irish on behalf. No. I feel like the road has rised up to meet us, all right? Can we let it go now? Okay.

So another far less upsetting example happened in Texas. The Dobbs ruling triggered a fetal personhood law there in Texas. And a few days later, a woman got a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane, but she was pregnant. And she got another ticket for the same thing a month later. But both tickets eventually got dismissed because, you know, that was people in that car. Amazing. I mean, and to be fair, I also agree that laws shouldn't apply to pregnant women, but it's more of a get the hell out of their way sense of the word.

Yeah, I'm with you on that. You get to do like medium crimes, like anything up to medium crime. I'm probably OK with. I would say all the medium crimes and one big one. One big one. One per pregnancy? Yeah. Okay, sure. We all agree on that. And just for the record, the legal system didn't just get ambushed by this brand new issue recently. Ever since the GOP decided to hijack this issue as a wedge to get Christian voters, legal scholars have been pointing out all the reasons that you can't have a fetus become a person. For example, what happens if some shitty red state wants to deport an immigrant who got pregnant here in the U.S.?

The fetus at that point is a full-fledged American citizen who you can't really deport. Also, what about putting a pregnant person in jail? The fetus would get incarcerated without due process, which of course they have because they have all the constitutional rights. They're a human. And I'm actually kind of curious to see what happens when Republicans have to decide between amazing stuff in their heads, like deportation and imprisonment, when those things compete with the constitutional rights of little fucking blobs. Okay, be careful, Heath, right? Because the good guys only took a year to cure COVID.

The bad guys might create conceptual fetus viability just as fast for their thing. You know, don't make them choose. I mean, I feel like a lot of people who went through pregnancy would be like, you can get that out like right away. Just do it. Yeah, shoot a laser. Make that happen. Yeah, no, you know what?

This is, this might be a win-win. So thanks to Citizens United and Dobbs, a corporation is a fetus. And that's how it works now. That's the type of insane idea that you land on when you let dishonest theocrats be in charge of the nation's highest court. But here's the thing, silver lining.

If you're a pregnant person in a blue state right now, you can murder a corporation if you want to. Yes! So enjoy that while you can. Oh, fantastic. All right, and before we get to the next headline, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, MySheetsRock.

Oh, help! Help me, somebody, please! Never fear, Superman is here! Superman? Wait, aren't you, um, aren't you under copyright? Nope, I'm the 1920s version that's public domain. Anyway, what can I do for you? Okay, uh, well, I was hoping you could fly around the Earth super fast and turn the time back to winter. No can do, kid. Those powers are from movie Superman. But I could punch a gangster for you. Uh, no, that's, um, that's okay.

Right in the face. Right in the face. No, I got it. I'm good on that. Well, what do you want to turn time back for anyway? Everyone loves summer. Yeah, not me. I'm a warm sleeper, and during those hot summer nights, I often wake up hot and sweaty. Well, kid, you don't need time travel. You need the regulator sheets from MySheetsRock. Wait, what are the regulator sheets from MySheetsRock? MySheetsRock created the regulator sheets, which are designed specifically to keep hot sleepers cool and cold sleepers comfortable.

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all summer long now. Indeed you will, Heath Enright. Indeed you will. Now, come on, kid. Let's go stop a mixed race marriage. Oh, because 1920s version. Because 1920s version, yeah.

Cool. And in wrong of the South news, when Governor Ron DeSantis first introduced Florida's now infamous don't say gay bill, its advocates took to the airwaves to assure us that it wasn't about oppressing gay people or removing queer identity from the classroom. It was about introducing conversations at the appropriate time. And for the record, that apologetic is also bullshit, right? The only way-

What if we grant that lie? Yeah, it's not granted, right? The only way the discussion of queerness is inappropriate in a classroom is if it's inappropriately sexual, in which case it would be inappropriate regardless of the person's sexual orientation. We already have don't say ass fucking to third graders bills. We didn't need a new one.

Really specific bill name. Yeah. But nobody behind this bill cares about that. They just think gay people are icky and icky things shouldn't be in places. And we got a great example of their actual feelings this week when a fifth grade teacher announced on TikTok that she'd been put under investigation by the school board for showing a movie in which a gay character existed. Was there. Yeah.

Here's the thing. I hate to break it to you, Florida bigots, but this isn't new. The liberal cabal, we've been turning your kids gay with Jane Eyre for a fucking while now in school English class. And that is how it works. It is. So be afraid. Yeah. So first up, big thanks to Danielle, who sent us this story first, scathingnews at gmail.com. But we actually got this from like eight people. So again, each of you will be getting a piece

of Noah's switch. Run far, run fast and never listen to the voices from the woods. Yeah. So if you're listening to this right now and you're not running

really fast, Noah is in fact standing right behind you. Right behind you. Spin fast. Don't even look. Just go. Yep, just go.

Anyway, gay movie. This particular piece of bruffery propaganda came in the form of 2022's Disney animated film, Strange World. It's about a group of explorers, one of whom is gay, who go on an adventure and defeat the forces of evil without felching anybody.

Wow. Yeah. No, no felching at all. But you would not know that if you listened to the school board member and Swamp Karen, Shannon Rodriguez, who, as I mentioned, opened an investigation into the teachers. Swamp Karen is the best name. I saw that online and I was like, oh my God, forever. That is every white woman in Florida. Yep.

Forever. Yeah. Every white woman in Florida. Yep. Forever. Yeah. Anyways, Sharon opened an investigation into the teacher who showed the film and then doubled down on her insane opinions at a recent school board meeting, accusing the teacher of, quote, stripping the innocence of her son who's in that teacher's class.

Okay. Well, I'm assuming the cartoon characters in that movie talked about felching in graphic detail throughout. But here's the thing. There's plenty of good, wholesome, hetero felching to be done. It doesn't even make sense. Yeah, exactly. The argument that Shannon's making. Yeah.

No sense at all. But that's not all. Rodriguez actually had a lot to say on the subject. Quote, actually had a lot to say on the subject. Quote, it is not a teacher's job to impose their beliefs upon a child. Religious,

sexual orientation, gender identity, any of the above. Okay. Allowing movies such as this assist teachers in opening a door for conversations that have no place in our classroom.

As a leader in this community, I'm not going to stand by and allow this minority to infiltrate our schools, end exact quote. This minority? Yeah, and to be clear, when she says minority, she means gay people. Yeah. She's not going to let gay people infiltrate her schools.

Yeah. Well, no, this is a solid plan there, Shannon. Once you get rid of that teacher, no chance your teenage kids are having any sort of gay sex in 2023. Absolutely. Of course. Teenage kids are doing it at all, ever. You're good.

Yeah. And look, I know I say this a couple times a year, and our regular listeners are probably bored of hearing me say it by now, but the spotlight is exactly the way to deal with bigots like this. These people thrive where crowds are small, and they can wield their power and relative privacy, and this teacher did the exact right thing by bringing this story to the larger public.

And based on the fact that Sharon Rodriguez's Facebook has been deleted, her school board official page is down, and there's a change.org petition calling for her removal with quite a few signatures. I have a hunch that the only minority being removed from her schools anytime soon is going to be Sharon's authority. I like that you switched her from Shannon to Sharon, like Karen and Shannon. Yeah, exactly. Got smooshed. Yeah, exactly. Smooshed her. Swamp Karen. Swamshed it.

Swamp Sharon. And in value subtracted news. Fantastic. A Christian church might have to pay a tax to the IRS, and that's a fucking headline. Woo! Yeah. Well, it's not income tax or property tax because they're definitely doing some really great charity work over there in Christianity. We have no idea about the numbers because churches are automatically tax exempt.

But I'm sure it's amazing. Sure. Definitely enough to outweigh being a literal hate group and a giant intellectual anchor on all of humanity. But there will be some kind of tax. It's actually not even technically on the church. It's on the church employees, but the churches might pay it. It's a small increase in the tax for people who fly on employer owned private jets, but for personal use. And despite pretty much everything else the IRS ever, ever, ever does with religion,

everything else the IRS ever, ever, ever does with religion, this one thing does apply to church leaders. At last, we opened the final Russian doll of religious exceptions to find Kenneth Copeland reaching for his checkbook. Okay, everybody, we did it, everyone. Yeah, so just to be clear, this is how hard we have to stretch to find a positive nugget about taxation of religion. The big news is a very small bump in the tax on millionaire pastors who get to use private jets that were purchased with tax exempt income. As of 2023, here's the new rule. each flight costs about eight dollars more as a flat fee and the mileage rate increased from a range of 18 to 25 cents per mile all the way up to a range of like 21 to 28 cents per mile so okay nice little bump but you gotta wash your pizza. Okay, make sure you're focusing on the right things here, all right? Wash your pizza boxes. So, yeah.

That's pretty much nothing. But it is a tiny bit of anti-Christian persecution. So that is fun. We're persecuting them a lot here. And the targets of the persecution are the worst people in the world, prosperity gospel pastors. For example, Eli mentioned

one earlier, Kenneth Copeland. Kenny Copeland? That guy, yeah, he has a net worth of about $780 million because he's actually honest about the whole tithing racket. He just tells people he's going to buy a private jet with their money instead of, you know, helping orphans or whatever, and they give it to him. Yeah.

And he claims the private jet is essential to his job. According to Copeland, quote, if I flew commercial, I'd have to stop 65% of what I'm doing. Yeah. End quote. Well, to be fair, 65% of what Kenneth Copeland is doing is having his face skin lowered onto his skull like Darth Vader's helmet every morning.

And I get how you can't do that on Ununited, you know? So sure. Yeah. No, it's awkward if you have to do that in a room in the aisles. You need a middle seat. So here's the big problem that does not get mentioned enough. Yes, nonprofit charities are tax exempt. And it's fine for that to sometimes include religious charities.

Actually, no, it's not fine. But most people think it is fine. I don't think it's fine. But it's generally for that to sometimes include religious charities. Actually, no, it's not fine, but most people think it is fine. I don't think it's fine, but it's generally considered to be fine. This program doesn't think it's fine. No, but it's definitely not fine that magic-based charities don't have the same rules. As I mentioned earlier, they're automatically granted 501c3 status without the normal vetting. And even worse, they don't have to report their finances. For example, the income of a charity is tax exempt, but income for the employees of a charity,

that's just a person getting paid for a job. So everyone working at a secular charity has to report all their compensation on IRS Form 990, including, for example, free private jet rides for personal use. But churches are exempt from that form. Yep. They're IRS Form 990 exempt. So we have no idea when Kenneth Copeland uses the private jet to fly to one of his many mansions instead of doing real, you know, charity business. Yeah. And more importantly, it is illegal for the IRS to even ask him for that information.

They're ask exempt too. Yeah. So here's my favorite part of the story, though. We have a little bit of positivity here. There's a group of heroes called the Trinity Foundation. Fuck yeah. Yeah. This is amazing. I'd never heard of this. They realized that churches being exempt from filling out a fucking form is insane. So these people at Trinity track the flights of all the ministry owned jets in the country, taking note of which flights are for personal use. And they post screenshots of all this information on their social media accounts, like, for example, at Pastor Plains on Twitter. Now, I would love it if the IRS would do their fucking job.

But in this case, the Trinity Foundation did it for them. So great work by the people at Trinity. Yeah, I was always rooting for her and Keanu Reeves, and I'm glad to be proven right. So that little nugget was fun, but the rest, it's pretty sad. Like that's the best we can do here. These are non-profit charities, just to recap, that own private jets and we're letting them be tax exempt. But now the pastors have to pay a little bit extra if they're not using the flight for legitimate magical purposes of that business.

That's where we are in 2023 when it comes to good news about taxing religion. Yeah. All right. I think we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, us. Hey, podcast listener. As you probably know by now, it's Matreon. That time of the year

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Matreon. It's a fundraiser for us. And in Mormon money, Mormon problem news. Probably shouldn't laugh that hard at my own joke, but I was so fucking, i wandered around my house that's one of the best ones you've done i love that one thank you showed my pug anyway we've got a follow-up to a story we reported back on in episode 522 about the mormon church's giant

pile of money it is in fact still giant it is is definitely illegal. And the Mormon church isn't even bothering to lie about it anymore. Yeah, no, they're being honest. So credit for being a lot more honest right after that expose. Right, exactly. Quick recap for the new listeners. I'm Eli, usually just the funny one, taking on smart and funny this week. Heath is also here. This is fun.

Way back in 2019. Say something smart and funny before you move on. I did Mormon money is fun. Way back in 2019. Say something smart and funny before you move on. I did Mormon money, Mormon problems. That was brilliant. Okay, I'll give you that. I earned my bona fides.

Anyways, way back in 2019, the church's former investment advisor, and I feel the need to point this out, devout Mormon, David Nielsen,

filed a whistleblower complaint with federal regulators saying that the church's investment arm and sign peak advisors abused its tax exempt status by collecting billions of dollars without spending any of it on charity. A fact slightly tipped by the fact that churches probably shouldn't have an investment arm. shouldn't have an investment arm well i mean charities should but we shouldn't have tax exempt charities that are financially opaque also known as every single church right so exactly and i want to be clear that it's not like the church forgot about this money or was saving up for a rainy day when they might want to buy uruguay i I don't know. The church had 13 shell companies that Nielsen knew about and spent a combined $2 billion while he was working for them on for-profit businesses

that the church owns. Yeah, that's allowed. Yeah, it's allowed. Well, as we told you back in February, just four years after Nielsen's whistleblower report, the SEC finally looked into it and the Mormon church agreed to pay $5 million in fines for hiding an alleged $100 billion for the government. For those of you who want to do the math at home, that's a 0.005% fine for a crime. Yeah, that's five thousandths of a percent yep yeah and that's not going to change anytime soon because the irs is literally afraid of taxing a church in any way

because people would stop thinking the irs is super cool and hip and fat with a PH. Yeah. Fuck. And look, I know some of you are thinking, Eli, I've heard this story already. I am a regular listener, and I know that you're secretly the smart and funny one on every episode of the show. And that's as true to say as it is brave podcast listener. But you might also be wondering, what's new here? And the answer to that is that up until this week,

the Mormon church. I'm so tempted to interrupt as Carl the Pug. I'm not going to. How dare you? Let it go. Absolutely not. But the answer to that is that up until this week, the Mormon church had pretty much refused to comment on the issue. But an interview with Nielsen aired on 60 Minutes this week.

And so they finally decided to respond in the worst possible way. Mormon-ly. Yeah. First things first, the Mormon church refused to comment on how much money they had to 60 Minutes, though Christopher Waddell, a church leader who helps oversee finances, did tell 60 Minutes the reason they weren't open

with their finances was because quote, then everyone would be telling us what they want us to do with the money. End quote. No fucking charity over here. How much money do we have? Fucking none.

Yeah, that's how much we have. Yeah, exactly. So, no, they chose instead to release their own very lengthy non explanation through the church propaganda mill, the Desiree News in an article called, and I'm not making this up, quote, in CBS's 60 Minutes segment on church finances, it missed the sweeping rags to riches history of the faith. End quote.

Oh, did you want 60 Minutes to do a special about the Mormon origin story and the finances? I think that's a great idea. I think we should all do that story. Yeah, be careful what you wish for. So, yeah, obviously

a lot more eyes on the situation and a lot more questions have arisen about why the church saw a smaller SEC fine percentage than most people pay

for filing their taxes yearly rather than quarterly, for example. But hey, if this Matreon, things go super well, and we finally get that $100 billion I've always been hoping for, and people start to ask questions, I'll just remind everyone that I have a sweeping history of credit card debt,

and I'm sure that will fix everything. Cool. Sweeping, I say. And in To Russia With Love news. For all those frustrated Americans out there who feel like the United States has been taken over by the woke mob and you're being persecuted by all the anti-persecution, there's an amazing new option that might become available soon.

Fucking leave. Just leave. You can actually do that right away. I'll help you pack. But pretty soon you'll have another option. You'll have a dedicated place to go in beautiful Russia. According to the Russian government, they're working on building an entire village for Christian refugees seeking asylum to escape the tyranny of our godless liberal ideology over here. Okay, quick. I need to know if you can mail a bear across national borders right now because I do know how this ends.

All right. Big thanks to Brent for the link. So apparently this is a real thing and also the saddest pitch to encourage immigration. But it's also amazing because Russia is accidentally doing brain drain backwards, which is great for us. Russian immigration lawyer Timur Bezlingurov gave a big speech about this at a legal forum in St. Petersburg last week. According to Timmy B., the new village is going to start construction next year in the suburbs of Moscow, and it's meant for conservative families of North America, but obviously not Mexico, who want to emigrate for ideological reasons and are tired of, quote, the inculcation of radical values. Ah, yes. Finally, we escape America's oppressive drag queen story hours to Russia where our son was immediately conscripted into military rape squads. Yep. Go ahead.

Figure it out, guys. Do whatever you want to do. Again, help you pack. And I'm barely exaggerating, by the way, about that bigotry. You're not. The Russian plan is targeting North America, but Timmy B specifically mentioned that they're looking for families in the U.S. and Canada. And he explained how the village

is perfect for people who, quote, strongly believe in the prediction that Russia will remain the only Christian country in the entire world. Okay, did he say believe or hope? Because if he said hope, I'll take a brochure.

You know, I'll look. I do want buddy houses. He also added, quote, this is real. He said exactly this. He said, today they have 70 genders. It is not known what will happen next. I'm thinking 71, most likely. Yeah.

I don't know. Also, what a waste of a good 69. Am I right? Or maybe infinity, because that's how a spectrum works. Either way, Russia is here to help, and Vladimir Putin is all the way on board. That includes Putin's official decree that warned about a global battle for cultural supremacy. He said that Russia is in a unique position to be the champion of conservative ideology in the world based on, quote, traditional Russian moral and religious values. Not adding, why aren't people doing any delightful tourism in Russia anymore?

What happened to that very recently? Well, here's the thing. I want to go on record. Christian people, I love this. Absolutely. For you. Yes. Yeah. And you'd be really

showing us too, like you leaving like right in our fucking face. Oh no, don't do it. Pretty please. I don't know what I would do without all the jobs you create or whatever the fuck. And finally tonight in corrections and omissions news, we make the occasional

goof here on the Scathing Atheist, a mispronounced shimmera. A malapropped nuclear. Noah and Heath once gave me a third of their company. Yeah, also the occasional misuse of malapropism to mean mispronunciation. Exactly, all those things. Exactly. And usually we get to those bits and bobs in our feedback segment.

But sometimes an error is too grievous, too important and takes place on our sister show, Godawful Movies. And when that happens, we want to come to you with full hearts, bright eyes. Can't lose. Owl City. What? I'm talking, of course, about our repugnant and deplorable failure to point out

that the recent Russell Crowe vehicle, the Pope's Exorcist, accidentally used the symbol for the Inquisition from the Dragon Age video game instead of the Spanish Inquisition as intended. Did not expect that. This is so good. Oh my God.

Yeah. So quick summary. We reviewed the Pope's Exorcist over on GAM episode 401. It's a delightful romp about how Russell Crowe trained for months to get into what I like to think of as Bosnian shape. And then he and a rapey priest fight two teenage girls at the climax of the film. What's not to love? That's the movie. Yeah, that's the movie. But the unimportant, important turn of the movie is that the demons were the ones who ran the Spanish Inquisition, which we learned through

flashbacks, old tomes, and catacombs covered in the symbol of the Inquisition of a video game from 2014. Russell Crowe might as well fight the Tasmanian devil at the end. It's so dumb.

But there's just one more detail to this story that I have to mention. The Pope's Exorcist 2 has already been greenlit. Are you serious? Yeah. Which means they've got a cinematic universe going, and I think they're going to need some inspiration. So Heath, if you can find the turgidity,

let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Names for the Christian movie video game crossover. Go. I'm not a big fan of puns. Kind of pedestrian. I like to do more, you know, advanced character-based humor type of stuff. But no, you go ahead. Okay. Remember when you listed all your awesome monkey puns at the beginning of Planet of the Apes?

We did it. Okay. So then you won't mind if I start with Zelda Exorcist. What? Perhaps you'd enjoy Bloodborne in a manger. I don't understand what's... Oh, Bloodborne. God of Wars, not dead.

If Pikmin tire you, what will horses do? See, Pac-Man. Okay, sorry. Yeah! I knew you couldn't help yourself. If Pikmin tire you, what will horses do is excellent. All right. I had to do a pun in there.

Okay. Well, we did a video game religious pun while Noah was on vacation. Any more spiteful, he'll have legal action. So we're going to close out the headlines. Eli, thanks as always. Jumaji. We're just going to take a quick break for the channel changing noise. And when we come back, Anna Bosnick

is going to join us for some Christian music and then some music by Anna Bosnick. As you already know, if you're a longtime listener, we don't sugarcoat our opinions about religion with polite language. We usually do the exact opposite because, fuck that, religion's dumb. We're going to be super mean about it because religion deserves it. But I don't think we're ever more mean than when we put a piece of Christian music on display and then let Anna Bosnick do a version with talent right after that. And we're going to do it again today with another segment of god-awful music. And of course, I'm joined by the Anna Bosnick. Anna, welcome back.

Always the guiltiest pleasure to be here, Heath. The guiltiest, darkest, secretest, most shameful parts of me are elated right now. Fantastic. So excited. Fantastic. It's real bad. And Eli, Eli, you're still here. You haven't said anything yet you want to go thank you I've been reintroduced into the podcast okay excellent and Anna tell us what Christian music do you have for us today is it anything with very direct racism built right into the title by any chance oh buddy you know what, listener? I want you to sit down for this. I hope you're sitting down for this.

This is called... The title of this is... Nope, going back. You got it. You know what? This song is called... And are you sitting down? Are you sure?

Okay. Please Don't Send Me to Africa by Scott Wesley Brown. Yikes. Oh, it hurt to say it out loud. Cool. Any possibility the title's misleading? It's actually about a talking postcard and some kind of mix up with the continent in the address.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It is exactly what it sounds like. Ah, the casual racism of the 1990s. This song is casual. Yeah, I mean, anyway, this song does what my least favorite children's books do. As you heard from the title, the song is what my least favorite children's books do. As you heard from the title, the song is about Africa, the continent. The continent of Africa, yeah.

People seem to forget has 54 countries, each with cities and agriculture and suburbs and a rich cultural history. It's pretty big. There's different parts that are different. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty big. There's different parts that are different. Yeah. Yeah. But as Americans, all we tend to see about Africa can be summed up by... That's about right. That's true. That's our cultural touchstone.

I learned that in geography class. You know, some sort of vague mix between the savanna and the jungle where giraffes, lions, chimpanzees all somehow know each other in a weird hierarchical sort of society with not a single human insight so as if to say this is what africa is a wild land that has never known civilization you know just once i want to see someone create a kid's book about how the bald eagle is the king of America and all the raccoons, mountain lions, subway rats and Floridian crocodiles somehow know each other and like live in the same neighborhood. Just once. Just anyway. That's an amazing idea.

I know you're doing a bit, but that's an amazing. I know. Right. I know. It's a wonderful like we can get some giant rat sized Texas tarantulas in there. TMTM. Oh, yeah. TMTM. Do not steal Texas tarantulas in there. TM, TM, TM. Oh yeah, TM, TM. Do not steal this.

No stealing at Disney. Anyway, this song sucks. That's what I'm trying to say. It sucks. So the song sucks. Like the title. Yeah. And Eli, elaborate a little bit more.

How bad was this music? Well, if you're a racist, you will love this music. Sorry, I know that doesn't quite follow the pattern, but Anna did a whole long thing. So just trust me if you're a racist. That is accurate. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Oh, actual punchline? Sure. We'll get into it, but I'm pretty sure the thesis of this song is like, Africa needs our white saviorism. So we should be coming to Africa. It's not so cleverly hidden. Yeah. I was going to go with best worst comment section on YouTube where I watched it. Oh God. It's rough. It's a bunch of Christian people saying how much they loved this as a kid. Already terrifying. But then I saw a comment from somebody named Rikert Botha.

That's a white guy from South Africa. That's like one of the most popular last names in Afrikaans, I believe. It's a white guy in South Africa, for sure. And he said, is there a way to get in contact with the artist? It has profoundly impacted our lives. Not great. Not great. Not the feedback you want.

Oh, no. And I'm going to take the easy one. I'm going to go with best worst defense. As we've casually hinted, this song doesn't age well. But don't worry, as we're going to find out in just a few moments, the author has a great explanation for this whole thing. Yeah. And bonus, this amazing work of art comes with a music video.

Oh, yes, it does. Before the music starts, we get a pastor telling his congregation in Texas the story of some wonderful Christian guy in that community. And then the pastor says, this great man went into the jungle and he never came back. He also mentioned something about a car wash. He does, yeah. That's a little bit of a lead in there.

And seriously, when he mentions the jungle, it has an evil echo noise. Yeah, yeah. And then evil jungle noises from, for sure, a Casio keyboard with like a racism preset button that he pressed. Oh, that's the actual start of the music. If you listen to it on Apple Music or Spotify or wherever else the fuck this thing is,

it actually starts with, quote, native jungle sounds. Oh, seriously, That was the button. Close enough to racism preset. Yeah. And in the music video, when that part cues, it zooms in on an underage girl eating a lollipop in a way

that made me pretty uncomfortable. But yeah, I mean, the racism is first and foremost. I just wanted to throw that out there. Also, other problems. And here we go with the actual lyrics this guy wrote on purpose. Eli, do you mind doing the lyrics for us? Oh, I'm ready.

Okay. Oh, Lord, I am your willing servant. You know that I've been for years. I'm here in this pew every Sunday and Wednesday. Wednesday? People go to church on Wednesday too? Seriously? Surprised me.

Double up? Wow. Gross. I've stained it with many a tear. And they weep? Yeah, apparently. Well, they're in church on a Wednesday. Twice a week or more?

Yeah, because it's Wacky Wig Wednesday and you're spending it in church instead of getting hammered at the gay bar as God intended. There you go. Now we know. Duh. I've given you years of my service. Literally reiterating the first

two lines. Cool. Yeah. He just said that. Also, the service he did for the Lord, we watch it in this video. It's scrubbing the floor in the hallway of the church with Windex and a little dust broom, like a handheld dust broom without even the pole coming out. Big time slip and fall hazard. I need this place's address. We can make some money here. He goes on, I've always given my best and I've never asked you for anything much. So Lord, I deserve

this request. Don't say the title right after this. Please don't say the title right after this. Please don't send me to Africa. I don't think I've got what it takes. Okay, we have to talk about what's happening in the video here because it goes into black and white because it's sad, because he's sad.

And he has this native attire that he is wearing as brought to you by great Aunt Martha's scarf collection. He's wearing it like a toga. He's wearing like a leopard print scarf as a toga over a t-shirt for fear of showing an ungodly nipple yeah yeah also this was very clearly the caveman costume he

settled for after his original costume idea was using up all the church's cork if you know what i'm saying oh god anyways he goes on i'm just a man i'm not a tarzan okay so the ideal person for going to africa according to this song would be a feral white guy who doesn't speak any human language yeah that's cool for. Don't like lions, gorillas, or snakes. And he beats his chest like a gorilla and eats a handful of grass. Did he have to add the curly wig? No. Does it make it significantly more racist? Oh, yeah.

Sure does. Yeah. Oh, sure does. We should point out that every shot of him as the caveman character for the rest of the song will just be him eating this grass he's standing in. So, you know, at least this guy ate a lot of grass. You know, there are upsides. Yeah. He seems to be impersonating a meerkat. Yeah. Unclear. Unclear. All right. He goes on. I'll serve you here in suburbia in my comfortable middle-class life, but please don't send me out into the bush where the natives are restless at night. Oh God. Okay. So we get a little glimpse of what his suburban

idealistic life looks like and his glasses, his sunglasses. I'm just saying they are giving, I'm about to call the police because I saw a black person in the park. So it fits is what I'm saying. And I know that this is like kind of the point of the song, but isn't I'll do the will of the creator of the universe as long as they don't have to leave my Western comforts and an inside thought. Right. OK, yes, absolutely. But it's satire plus very real racism. Not real thoughts plus

real racism. Did I fix it? Did I fix it for him? Yeah, exactly. So now he's going to slow it down for us. He brings us back to the acoustics for this section of the song. And just from a songwriting standpoint, why would you slow down the music again? That's the intro.

You've already gained so much momentum. You're just going to make it so much harder for us to sit through the rest of this song. The worst. I was all the way on board until this very moment musically. No, it's a great song until this moment. Anna Bosnick. Make that quote there, Tim. I'll see that the money is gathered.

I'll see that the money is sent. I'll see that the money is sent. I'll wash and stack the communion cups. I'll tithe 11%. Okay, I have a question. Yeah. Coemption. For those who have grown up religious, do they put gross things in communion cups?

Because he dumps out. Yeah, it's the blood of a dead guy. They put it in. It's the blood of a dead rabbi. Oh my God, I just realized communion cups are not tithing cups. Alright. Because,

okay, he is cleaning out a tithing cup at one point and he does dump out some gross liquid. I had this image in my mind of someone emptied their coke into the tithing cup. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, blood of a dead guy. Sure.

Communion cups. Yep. I'm on board again. Sorry. All right. Did you want us to keep this where you didn't know that where you thought that churchgoers kept fucking tithes into coffee cups and sometimes people poured random liquids into them instead? I mean, that's what my joke was in my head.

Would you like this to be on the internet on our podcast? But you know what? I'll take it back and do the lines. How about that? Listen, you got to give 10% of your fluids. You got to give 10%

of everything. It's important. Sometimes people just urinate into the communion dish, darling. Yeah. This is what I got. I'm dehydrated today. I'm just going to like sweat

once you're drunk. Let's get in a glass of water. Anna's going to take a sip of water and remember how cups work and I'll continue with the lyrics. Great.

Quote, I'll volunteer for the nursery. Okay. The image he's chosen here is insane. The image for the nursery is a baby vomiting directly into his mouth.

Like, directly. Yeah, directly. Yeah, a lot of bodily humor in this music video, definitely.

Yeah, a surprising amount. Yeah. I'll go bodily humor in this music video, definitely. Yeah, a surprising amount. Yeah. I'll go on the youth group retreat. This line is accompanied by an image of kids burning him at the stake. And let me say, I get it. Yep. Yeah.

I'll usher, I'll deacon, I'll go door to door. Just let me keep warming this seat. Please don't send me to the ends of the earth where the natives are restless at night. That line is just the end of the holy religious song. Yep. Yeah. Okay. So about that satire moment we got to there,

I just want to mention one other comment from YouTube that I saw. Some guy wanted to make sure that nobody thought Scott Wesley Brown, who wrote this, was being offensive too late. So the comment was, quote, the song is sarcasm about how we're willing to serve God, but only on our terms. Many people complain about not seeing the hand of God, but conveniently forget to look at the end of their own arm. End quote. Okay. Oh, God. So here's the thing.

Even if we grant the sarcasm, the song was saying, you should take up the white man's burden. How can it be racist if we're trying to save you? So that's the message. That's not great. Even if we grant all the sarcasm to like paper over some of that. And this is what I was getting at with the actual punchline. There's actually an interview with Scott Wesley Brown about why he wrote this song. And it's that

he thinks we need to get up off our butts and go spread the gospel to Africa. I don't think he used the word savages, but it was definitely the subtext of this entire thing. Yeah, cutting room floor for sure. And to be clear, if you think what Africa is lacking is white suburban Christians, I kind of do want you to get eaten by lions. So now I'm torn about the content of the song. I'll come back around on it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the lions are endangered. They might need more food. Just saying.

All right. Well, that was a musical hate crime. Good pick. Anna loved it. It was also a musical, musical crime. But apparently, Anna found a way to fix it.

I'm impressed. Anna, would you like to introduce your new and improved version of whatever that was? Well, Heath, in the spirit of charity, fix it. I'm impressed. Anna, would you like to introduce your new and improved version of whatever that was? Well, Heath, in the spirit of charity, I asked a very special member of the podcast-iverse for help with this one. Oh. So without further ado, hit it, me. Oh boy, do I love to travel to life-shows and atheist cubs. And I like to go where we're needed most, where they pass puritanical laws. But there's one place in particular A land that a monster calls home

Her blood-curdling cry And her great smoky eye Just chills me down to the bone My brother killed a dog! Oh, please don't send me to Arkansas It's just not the right place for me Don't mean to alarm ya, but she'll fuckin' harm ya I'm scared of Sarah Huckabee

Has anyone seen my camera? I'm sure the mountains and hot springs are nice But the governor will squeeze you too tight Please don't send me to Arkansas Where Sarah hunts us at night You better have face in your keychain, but not for your own self-defense. She'll drink it like soda,

then vault herself over the nearest aquarium fence. She'll burst through your wall like the Kool-Aid man and steal your mom's casserole. She'll vote down your laws and then unhinge her jaws and swallow your garbage cans whole. Oh, please don't send me to Arkansas. I don't think that you understand. Now don't be a critic.

Her spit is acidic. She'll spoil your healthcare plans She breathes underwater because she has gills and has razors instead of a spine Oh, the governor hunts across Arkansas like the xenomorph and predator combined Oh, please don't send me to Arkansas, it's just not the right place for me I'm impervious Don't mean to alarm ya But she'll fucking harm ya

I'm scared of Sarah Huckabee Because of my carapace Oh, the mountains and hot springs are nice But the governor will squeeze you too tight Oh, please don't send me to Arkansas Where Sarah hunts us at night title. Please don't send me to Arkansas where Sarah hunts us at night. Oh, where the governor hunts

us at night. So I said to her, how am I supposed to know that all you can eat doesn't include the chairs? Yeah, so the cops show up, but I'm immune to pepper spray after the incident at the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I say, you guys better start using real bullets, but they're already running. Thank Thank you, Anna.

Fantastic as always. All right, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. But we're back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed,

debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Big thanks to the Anna Bosnick for once again bringing all the talent, and to Eli for marrying all the talent. And of course, a big thanks to all the Patreon donors for all their generosity. Our newest patrons will be thanked by name and lavished with praise by Noah next time around. And if you're feeling generous like those amazing people, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an ad-free

version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Tim Robertson handles our social media, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who wrote all the music which was used in this episode, and it was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.