The Scathing Atheist - 537: Incorrupt Edition

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

In this week’s episode, Christian Karens miss their target, God performs the miracle of defying the "use by" freshness label, and Georgia politics will somehow get even dumber. --- Get a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/Scathing. Thanks to Stamps.com for sponsoring the show! --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out the Poor Historians podcast here: https://linktr.ee/poorhistorianspod --- Headlines: Target removing some pride merchandise after threats to employees: https://www.reuters.com/business/retail-consumer/target-remove-some-lbgtq-merchandise-after-facing-customer-backlash-2023-05-23/ Sheriff: Expect 10k-15k people per day over weekend to see body of exhumed nun https://www.kctv5.com/2023/05/26/sheriff-expect-10k-15k-people-per-day-over-weekend-see-body-exhumed-nun/ The team that made the movie Nefarious got attacked by Satan: https://www.christianpost.com/news/nefarious-the-spiritual-warfare-that-plagued-the-production.html Georgia GOP Chair Goes Full Flat-Earth, Says Globes Are Part of a Conspiracy: https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/kandiss-taylor-globes-anti-flat-earth-brainwashing-1234741082/ CT State Senator votes against exonerating those convicted of witchcraft 370 years ago: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65724066 --- This Week in Misogyny: Indiana Doctor fined for talking about 10 year old rape victim’s abortion: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-65714672 Texas woman sues state after being forced to birth stillborn:  https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/texas-abortion-ban-forced-birth-1234739485/

Warning, religion deserved to be cussed at again this week. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by the new movie where Tom Hanks is stranded on a deserted island and spends his time obsessively elaborating on a niche interest of his, Podcast Away. Podcast Away. Because some of us talk to volleyballs for a living, Tom. Don't judge. And now, the skating atheist.

Hey, this is Dr. Max, one of the co-hosts of the Poor Historian's Medical History Podcast. As an emergency physician and armchair medical historian, I can certainly confirm that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey people. Well, not everybody completed that journey. It's Thursday. It's June 1st. And it's fireworks eye safety month, everybody. Yeah, sure the fuck isn't July. So June, I guess. It's a time, no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Buzz Aldrin's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Christian Karens miss their target. God performs the miracle of defying the used by freshness label. And Georgia politics somehow gets even dumber. But first, the diatribe.

So I got these guys doing work on my kitchen and they're leaving the back door wide open most of the day coming in and out. So the other day, some neighborhood cat sees that and just wanders the fuck in to cool down, makes himself at home at my love seat. I'm sitting on a fucking couch at the time. He looks up at me like, I don't know what the hell you're doing here, but I'll allow it. And then he just curls up on the pillow there. He doesn't run off until I get up and try to pet him. Anyway, so afterwards, I'm posting about it on Facebook. And only then do I think to myself, why the fuck didn't I get a picture? I know as it's happening that I'm going to want to post about this on social media. And now here I am telling the story sans evidence.

I deprived Facebook of a cat picture. That's almost a criminal offense. But it just didn't occur to me in the moment to take a picture because I'm mentally incapable of thinking as though I have a camera on me. This is something I've noticed a number of times before. I feel like pretty much everybody younger than me and all the people who are like my age but could afford to live a little closer to the cutting edge of technology 20 years ago have this ability to sort of think with their phones. The first time I noticed it was when I first saw somebody taking a picture of their work schedule on their phone. And like my dumb ass had a camera phone by then. I'm still writing my shit down on a scrap of paper with a borrowed pen and keep it in my wallet all week.

Right. This shit hits me constantly because in my mind, a camera is still a thing that exists for documenting noteworthy moments or subjects for somebody who didn't grow up in an era where cameras needed film that had to be developed. It's also an external visual memory storage device. Like I was out with my sister and her 16 yearyear-old a while back. I told my niece, I said, hey, help me remember where we parked. So she took a picture of the cross street and then looked at me like the idiot that I am. And even now, a decade and then some since I started having a camera in my pocket at all times, I still can't think as though it's there. My brain is hardwired to think in a way that doesn't allow for external storage my brain is

if i'm going to be brutally honest about it outdated it was built for a different way of thinking and yes i can certainly get better at thinking around the technology of the day but it'll always be like thinking in a foreign language to me. I'll always think with an accent. That's a depressing thing to ruminate on. I mean, I want us as a species to get better at thinking, and I'm glad that we are, but I also don't want to be mentally obsolete. Of course, I'm bound to be, right?

We all are, even my smarmy niece and her intuitive use of modern technology. I watch as my generation romanticizes things like reading cursive and driving a stick as though both of those things didn't suck in this desperate flailing bid to pretend that younger generations aren't better than us but they are they should be and they are the access to information that they have since they're born that the technology that they're educated with, the substantially more inclusive society that they grow up in, all of those things give them an advantage.

And hey, kudos to us. Easy to lose track of this if you get far enough onto the declining end of that graph, but that is what we've been going for the whole time. And I'm sorry, because I know I'm making a lot of people uncomfortable when I talk about this,

especially some of the listeners that are substantially older than me. But it's a truth that we need to reckon with because at its heart, every attempt to fucking keep the Christ in Christmas or get prayer back in school or make America great again is born of this fear of obsolescence. This desire to elevate one's own generational values above the more evolved values born from better information. Now, that sits at the very heart of conservatism, doesn't it? We build this hagiographical nostalgia about an idealized time that never was, and we use it to shield ourselves against generational mortality. And when we do this, of course, the enemy is whatever's changed, right? It's fucking manual transmissions if it has to be.

And since demographics are always changing, that is bound to embolden racism or whatever form of bigotry provides the most visible scapegoat for our insecurities, right? The most visible cultural difference for most of today's conservatives is the evolving attitudes towards gender roles in younger generations. So that becomes the enemy du jour. Our generation was better because back then we didn't acknowledge the humanity of trans people. Boom, done, defended, shielded. And I'm not saying any of this because I want to sympathize with the fucking transphobes or understand where they're coming from or anything like that they can go fuck themselves i don't care where they're coming from they're coming from the damn past and that's where their bullshit

should stay i say it because regardless of how old you are you're getting older and i hope that by acknowledging this tendency now maybe when the time comes we can avoid doing the same shit ourselves joining me for headlines tonight are the good and bad to my ugly heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to dig ready to dig like toad in mario. Sure. If only there were a reference to some kind of, I don't know, underground area, perhaps in a video game. Oh, well.

All right. Well, now I'm sweating and shaking like Roger Rabbit. So while I mark the Tears of the Kingdom counter back to zero days, we're going to take a quick break for a word

from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. What's this? Magic powers? Damn it. Okay, maybe louder. What's this? Eli, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to trick the wizards into thinking I'm magic. I'm not even surprised at this point, but I'll still bite. Why? Oh, it's so I can skip the post office, silly. So being a wizard will help you skip the post office? No, convincing the wizards I'm one of them will skip the post office.

Because if the wizards think I have magic, they'll let me buy an owl. Bing, bang, boom. I'll never have to go to the post office again. I mean, Eli, if you want to skip trips to the post office, why don't you just try stamps.com? What's stamps.com? With stamps.com, all you need is a computer and printer. They even send you a free scale,

so you'll have everything you need to get started. If you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it through your stamps.com dashboard. And if you sell products online, stamps.com seamlessly connects with every major marketplace and shopping cart. I don't know, Noah. It sounds expensive.

How does that compare to, say, the price of owl food? Well, Stamps.com has huge carrier discounts, up to 84% off USPS and UPS rates. Plus, Stamps.com can automatically tell you the cheapest and fastest shipping option. Plus, no mouse balls. Plus, no mouse balls. Yep, no mouse balls.

Set your business up for success when you get started with Stamps.com today. Sign up with promo code SCATHING for a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the homepage, and enter the code SCATHING. All right, Noah. Guess I won't need to pretend to be a wizard after all. Hey, man, you looking to be a wizard?

Oh, sorry. Other kind of wizard. Are you sure? A lot of crossover. Yes, I am sure. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Christian terrorism is standing in the way of the free market yet again. And this time their target was, astronomically, Target, which rolled out its collection of pride merch of the main drivers of their growth over the last decade, the CEO of Target decided to cave to the terrorist demands and remove some especially controversial items. In a statement issued right after we recorded last week's show, they cite as the primary reason for their decision,

quote, threats impacting our team members' sense of safety and well-being while at work. End quote. All right, afternoon, everyone. We negotiated with the terrorists and we landed on doing what they want. This is my speech today. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Question.

If I start threatening staff, will y'all hire employees for your in-store Starbucks that aren't cartoon turtles who can see all my sins and hate me for them? Because that's an actual problem, Target. That one's real. Well, they do negotiate with terrorists. Now, one of the challenges they faced here is that the stuff that Christian bigots were most upset about them carrying

didn't exist. Sure didn't. So right-wing media was freaking out saying that Target was selling children's bathing suits that were marketed as tuck-friendly. And tuck-friendly bathing suits that were marketed as tuck-friendly. And tuck-friendly bathing suits that allow trans women without gender-affirming surgery to more comfortably conceal their genitals are sold

at Target, but only for adults. But they did find other stuff to pull from their shelves, and as though Target wanted to arm me specifically against the emails that this really isn't an atheism issue, the first thing to go was a collection that the bigots objected to because the designers

used satanic symbolism in some of his shit. Yeah, okay. Also, that email person, if you're an atheist and not a humanist, a great thing to do is go fuck yourself. Yeah, that too. What are you doing? Right. I love that

their compromise was, okay, nope, that's what you're doing right i love that their compromise was okay nope that's fair this designer has a separate design that we're not selling that does worship your invisible goat demon who wants to turn you gay so you can't hang out with jesus and his dad and cat cares mushroom trip so that's on us that one will pull right that's their reasonable concession now of course target did stop short of what the bigots actually wanted which is for them to That's on us. That one we'll pull. Right. That's their reasonable concession. Now, of course, Target did stop short of what the bigots actually wanted, which is for them to stop acknowledging Pride Month altogether. They're still selling a wide variety of LGBTQ affirming merch, both in stores and online, though apparently in red states and small towns, they're moving it to the back of the bus. I mean, the back of the store. And look, I actually am sympathetic

to Target's leadership here, right? If it's genuinely gotten to the point where they fear for their employees' safety, and I don't doubt that it has, there's no easy answer here. But I do want to point out that when they make this decision, right, when they give in to terrorist threats

by homophobes and transphobes, how safe do their LGBTQ employees feel and their LGBTQ customers? Exactly. Yeah, you're a corporation. Maybe treat the white dudes trying to make a TikTok half as badly as you do your factory workers

who make your underwear, and we wouldn't have this problem, huh? Right, yes. There you go. I'm saying. And in none of the above news, every so often here at the Scathing Atheist Podcast, we get a special treat.

It could be Noah's biennial vacation, the discovery of a new Christian troublemaker like Greg Locke or Matt Powell to spice up our days and warm our nights. But nothing, nothing is quite as rare or exciting as a fresh Catholic miracle. Well, grab your noisemakers and party hats because thousands of Catholics are rushing

to a Benedictine monastery for religious sisters in rural Missouri to see the recently exhumed remains of the founder because, I shit you not, they haven't decayed as much as everyone expected. So stupid. Hey, monastery people, first of all, it's weird that you have strong opinions about correct amount for a corpse to decay. Like, that is a real thing that a scientist could have an opinion on.

Right. But not you. This is weird. It's amazing how many miracles fall apart under the. Yeah, but you're not qualified to be impressed

by that rebuttal. Right. And truly. So first off, big thanks to everyone who sent this story into scathing news at Gmail dot com.

There were a ton of you. Wait, wait, wait. Me. Are you saying that people can send us the latest and greatest in religious news to scathingnews at gmail.com and we in turn promise to exhume them five years after their death to check that they've decayed the right amount?

Why, yes, me. I am promising that. No, you're not. If we don't say anything, I think you might keep going forever with himself. The nun in question. My eyes aren't based on movement. I can see you, keep going forever with himself. The nun in question. My eyes aren't based on movement. I can see you, man. I see you. The nun in question is Sister Wilhelmina Lancaster, who, as I mentioned, founded the Benedictine Sisters of Mary,

Queen of the Apostles. That's in the title. I didn't just do like a weird Mother of Dragons thing about Mary. That's the whole thing is the title. It's hard to track to track she passed away in 2019 and four years later because catholicism is fucking gross they decided to exhume her body to relocate her remains to the monastery chapel but instead of bones they found a decomposing corpse. Yep. And that is what counts as a miracle in the age of photography and video.

Okay, yeah. Just one other quick note for the monastery people. Maybe don't run the chapel grave like a customer service line waiting list that calls you back. And apparently four years later, when a slot opens up, that's weird. And if you do, I'm just saying maybe the founder gets the dib

and doesn't have to go through that process. Yeah, yeah. At the very least, it's a little nepotism. So let me clarify again. She's not not decayed. She's just not as decayed as expected, right? News articles about this event keep showing this same photo of the body

and it is visibly decomposed sure even less impressively the nuns admit that there was a crack in the coffin and when they discovered her she was covered in a layer of mold so the miracle here is a partly decomposed body covered in mold right I'm surprised they're not making stand by me a part of the liturgy. Okay, this, Eli, this is the miracle of later cheese back on board. This is awesome.

Now, also, we need to point out, as most of the news stories do about this in their final or penultimate paragraph, there's literally nothing unusual about this level of decomposition four years on in a cold climate when the body is buried in a coffin, right? According to literally every expert in a fucking real subject that isn't theology that I saw quoted in any article about this, they're like, this doesn't even rise to the level of unusual, let alone miraculous.

even rise to the level of unusual, let alone miraculous. Yes, exactly. One last note about this story. I was not exaggerating at the beginning when I said thousands of people are heading to Missouri to see this body. The sheriff of Kansas City warned residents to expect between 10 and 15,000 people this past weekend. And keep in mind that that's before the Pope or one of his fucking miracle testers swings by to confirm this miracle, which they will. It's a story about Catholics that isn't centered around child abuse, and they are desperate of those, even if it means creating a spectacle around a partially decayed corpse yeah i know that's true guys corpse abuse look at this jingly keys corpse abuse that's terrifying

and in morning star wars news we have a story about satan and a bad movie during the filming of the movie nefarious the cast and crew were attacked by the devil himself no they weren't that's right we have another story from the christian post oh good the very important very serious headline of journalism from the christian post reads nefarious from strange ailments to car accidents the spiritual warfare that occurred while filming. So, okay, so wait, if I'm trying to summarize Eli in two bullet points, they would be strange ailments and car accidents. Eli, are you spiritual warfare?

You have to tell us if we ask you. You have to tell us if you are. I bleed the fifth. I don't think you can do that. I bleed the fifth. Sure. So, Nefarious is the story of a serial killer who's about to get executed and has to be certified as mentally competent by a psychiatrist. But it turns out there's a demon or something stupid.

It doesn't matter. What does matter, the makers of the movie are the same people who made the anti-choice propaganda movie Unplanned, also known as God Awful Movie number 189. They are crazy people. And so are a bunch of the writers at the Christian Post. Here's how the article begins. Quote, When directors Carrie Solomon and Chuck Konzelman first conceived of bringing the spiritual thriller

to the big screen, they knew they would face unseen opposition. But the duo didn't know just how much, in their words, the devil didn't want this movie to be made. That's the exact first sentence of the article. I mean, in the devil's defense, maybe he just saw Unplanned

and knew how bad it was going to be, right? That fucking movie co-starred mike lindell it sure did for fuck's sake yeah someone should have told the devil that the movie would release in so few theaters and for so short a time that even we couldn't watch it before it came out so according to Solomon and Konzelman, quote, we declared war against the devil for the Lord.

And from the first moment we wrote the script, weird, crazy things began to happen. End quote. For example, they got an Airbnb near the filming location and a squirrel broke in. No no that's an actual example and what did the squirrel do it immediately attacked a miniature nativity scene they were

gonna use on the set so which means one of them turned to the other in real life and said you think that was a devil squirrel? Definitely a devil squirrel. Thank you for saying it first. That's 100% a thing in real life that happened for real in their lives. Yes, it is. Also, also implies that there's at least a chance these filmmakers bring a nativity with them whenever they rent an Airbnb, and that will never not be funny to me.

It's possible. Yeah, maybe it was for the movie, maybe it wasn't. That might have just been their go-bag nativity scene. Very possible. It's okay, I've got a backup,

but man, that devil squirrel, am I right? Told me I was stupid when I made that. Okay, so other than squirrel-based

spiritual warfare from Satan, obviously, they also had to deal with some dermatology stuff. The movie is based on a book by author Steve Deese. And when Deese came to visit the movie set, he got attacked by satanic skin magic.

According to Konselman, the first day that Steve visited the set, he got very sick with a cyst under his arm. Suddenly, it disappears. Literally, the morning before the theatrical premiere, it comes back. By nightfall, he's in the ER, mumbling and muttering incoherently.

He was near death and had a live infection, MRSA in his bloodstream. It was everywhere, and he had to undergo surgery. He almost died. Exactly. And when they removed that cyst, it turned out to be a squirrel. Well, the devil wasn't quite finished after filming was done. According to Konsman, it was a constant struggle in the theaters can confirm yeah the fire alarm

goes off in multiple theaters across the nation computers would malfunction so people couldn't buy our tickets it would show a theater was sold out but it wasn't can confirm that as well and that's why we don't have your money lou Lou. He also added that there were reports of people, quote, growling and vomiting in the theater and not remembering any of it when they woke up, end quote. And none of those reports were available on the World Wide Web when I checked, but I'm sure they happened somewhere.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I believe the part about people waking up after the movie and not remembering anything that happened i do yeah take a squirt and growling and throwing up is just seeing a movie in manhattan during the day man that's really yeah all right well in the end satan was defeated by the sheer talent of those movie makers who have a 33% score on Rotten Tomatoes for that movie. Solomon and Kahneman have heard numerous stories, they reported this to the

Christian Post, of people seeing the movie and then being saved or forgiving abusers. Don't do that. That's ridiculous. Or healing from trauma. Those stories brought the directors to tears. And that's why they're going to keep making very important movies about God,

even if it means more low-level pranks from a literal demon, including squirrel stuff. The article ends with Kahneman explaining, quote, it's a battle between good and evil, and the Lord has called us, end quote. They're going to keep making movies.

All right. Well, we need to going to keep making movies. All right. Well, we need to talk to the devil about up in his fucking squirrel game. So we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. This week in misogyny. Okay, so obviously I don't want to make this segment all about abortion every single week. But I don't do this segment every single week. So I guess I can make this one all about abortion and not give a shit. So let's start in Indiana. A strategy that is recommended only for moving out of Indiana and highlighting misogyny stories.

So you'll recall back in June of last year when Ohio's six-week abortion ban first went into effect, an abortion doctor named Dr. Caitlin Behard from Indiana talked publicly about performing an abortion for a 10-year-old rape victim that had to leave her home state to have the operation. And you'll recall Republicans freaking out about this because nothing highlights the cruelty of their policies like the effects of their policies. So they tried to pretend she was lying. And when it became super duper clear that she wasn't, they tried to find another way to punish her. Well, ultimately, they decided to go after her fucking medical license. Last November, Indiana's attorney general filed a complaint against her, alleging that she failed to immediately report the abuse of the child, which is, of course, required by state law, and that she failed to protect her patient's privacy by going public with the story. Now, to be clear, she didn't name the girl.

She just said that it happened. And because Republicans were so obsessed with pretending Dr. Behard was lying, a lot of effort was later made by other people to uncover the specifics around the case. Well, as to the first part, that was just bullshit. She testified that she did report the child's abuse to a social worker, as was her hospital's policy. But after 14 hours of testimony that included the deputy attorney general dismissing her as an abortion activist and calling her unfit to practice, the state medical and licensing board held that she did violate patient privacy and fined her $3,000. She did not lose her license to practice medicine, and the board president was careful to add that he thinks she's a good doctor during the ruling. But the key is that she spoke out against misogynistic laws, so she was punished. The

forced birthers will count this as a win, I am sure. But they won't count it out loud or anything. Because ever since Roe versus Wade got overturned against the wishes of the vast majority of the country, suddenly the people who've been screaming about abortion being murdered for the last few decades don't want to talk about it. So, you know, be careful what you wish for, I guess. Of course, we know why they're suddenly so reluctant to talk. As soon as you start talking about the actual results of their victory, you get shit like 10-year-old rape victims having to plan out-of-state trips to get abortions. Or you get stories like Kirsten Hogan's.

She's a Texas woman who's suing the state of Texas after she was forced to give birth to her stillborn son. She said of her situation, quote, I was made to feel less than human. Texas law caused me to be detained against my will for five days and treated like a criminal, all during the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience of my life, end quote. She was basically forced to stay in limbo until she either went into labor or her condition worsened enough that the law would allow her to get an abortion. And during that detention, she was told that if she tried to leave,

she could be criminally charged with attempting to murder her baby. And if you're tempted to dismiss her case as an extreme, I should probably point out here that it's a class action lawsuit. Anyway, I've got a lot more examples i could give you but i feel like you're sufficiently depressed for me to hand you back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda next up in headlines in don't flatter yourself news story about candace taylor kate oh good oh yeah she's the evangelical christian lunatic who ran for governor in ge against Brian Kemp in the GOP primary. How'd she do?

And she got 3% of that vote. She lost. That's actually good news, though, because the voice of reason in that primary was Brian Kemp. Well, that's the end of the good news. Because, you know, Georgia politics. Candace Taylor is now a GOP district chair in Georgia. She works in the public school system. She just got a position of power in the library system, and she's a very vocal flat earther now.

Oh, God. Georgia politics, where when your representative accusesish people of starting forest fires with space lasers you take solace in the fact that at least that one believes in space that's something jesus and a big thanks to deborah and to podcast fan in south georgia for sending over the story scathing news at gmail.com very helpful coming for Coming for your corpse, Big D. Okay, so here's a little background on Candace Taylor in case anyone missed it. First of all, she ran on a platform of very literal Christian theocracy. And she said that out loud in almost exactly those words multiple times. One other thing worth mentioning here, her campaign slogan, which was painted on the side of her giant campaign bus that she had was Jesus Guns Babies.

And now she has a podcast called Jesus Guns and Babies. During the latest episode, she spoke with Flat Earth experts, Matt Long and somebody called Flat Earth Dave about all the evidence they have. And according to Flat Earth Dave, quote, if people knew a tenth of what Matt and I know about the globe, they'd be flat earthers too. Any more than a tenth, though. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I know. So, here's my favorite part. When Candace Taylor started talking about her thoughts on the flat earth matt long and flat earth dave got scared they just like slowly backed away in silence because she was doing their stupid conspiracy wrong seriously she's bad at thinking the earth is flat like some people are good at that. Not her. She's bad at that.

Here's the exact words from KT. Quote, all the globes everywhere. I turn on the TV, globes in the background. Everywhere there's globes. You see them all the time. It's constant. My children will be like, mama, globe, globe, globe, globe, globe, globe.

They're everywhere. That's what they do to brainwash. For me, if it's not a conspiracy, if it's real, why are you pushing so hard everywhere I go? Every store, you buy a globe. There's globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media. Why?

And I swear to God, exact quote. I'm sorry. Every store, you buy a globe? She buys a globe them i was i was on the sunday show with matt delahunty last week and a caller pointed out that that would be like us saying that flat maps were flat earth indoctrination right so so yeah she's too stupid to think the earth is flat right. Yeah. Well done. Okay.

But to be fair, counterpoint, if everyone agrees to something, it's wrong, is a great way to explain Candace Taylor's opinions though, right? It's like a kind of shorthand if you want to figure out where she stands. Okay. And just one other thing, circling back to that position of power I mentioned at the top of the story. Just one other thing, circling back to that position of power I mentioned at the top of the story. Candace Taylor just got appointed by her local school board to become a member of the Appling County Library Board. Oh, no. And thanks to a listener in that area, I learned how that position includes being a representative on the board for the Okefenokee Regional Library System, a system that includes the public library in Waycross, Georgia. Oh, yeah.

You hear that, Noah? You have a reasonable and legal reason to request a meeting with Candace Taylor. Just think about it. No, I'm officially a friend of the library and everything. Yeah, no, I'm great. She's not.

Okefenokee. Nobody who lives in an okie finokie region needs a library. You gave it up with okie finokie. It's a Native American word. It means

land of the trembling earth. And finally tonight, in which witch is which news, the Connecticut State Senate has voted... The Connecticut State... The Connecticut State Senate has voted to exonerate 12 people that their state convicted of witchcraft 370 years ago, 11 of whom were hanged. In so doing, the state legislature acknowledged that this was a gross miscarriage of justice and they helped to draw attention to witch hunts that are still occurring around the world today.

justice and they helped to draw attention to witch hunts that are still occurring around the world today but one republican state senator a fellow by the name of rob sampson yep voted against the measure there's a holdout yep but yep because yay because they could have been witches we don't know witches aren't real in observational history fine but in historical history uh they fucking could have been i'm not voting on that so first we're forgiving witches what's next hates goblins in our schools i'm a state senator so yeah so first of all kudos to the 33 state senators that voted in favor of the measure and congratulations especially to the ct witch trial exoneration project a group of descendants of those accused that have been working to get this shit done for 18 fucking years apparently seems like it wouldn't take that long there's a lot of

arguing on this one i feel like yeah what yeah really right no this this kind of shit though that really matters right it matters that we acknowledge our mistakes it matters that we highlight the problem both historically and currently. And it matters to the descendants of these people, obviously, whose names were tarnished in the historical record by collective religious delusions. And it also matters, then, when one Republican jackass stands in the way of that for fear of, quote, dictating what was right and wrong about periods in the past that we have no knowledge of, end quote. What? Okay. Maybe you don't have any knowledge, Rob. Right. Yes.

But just to mention the past is exactly what we have knowledge of as a society. How do you think we know which 12 people to exonerate you fucking idiot no but but of course his unwillingness to to take a firm moral stand against hanging people for witchcraft wasn't the only reason that samson opposed the bill it was also too woke quote sure quote i don't want to see bills that rightfully or wrongfully attempt to paint america as a bad place with a bad history end quote really right rightly or wrongly i was gonna say you're happy to be right or wrong about whatever you're about to say cool well he doesn't want anyone else to be right is what he's saying he then added quote i want us to focus on where we're going which is a brighter and better future end quote but like fuck you rob where we're going

based on current trends and samson's party is hanging people for fucking witchcraft so i feel like maybe this is more topical than you're giving it credit for asshole yeah man where we're going is supposed to be determined by you a guy who doesn't want to take a firm stance on witch burning yes thank you rightly or wrongly yikes all right well since saying any more true words at this point would doubtless highlight that america is a bad place with a bad history i suppose we could wrap the uh headlines there Heath, Eli, thanks as always. I think we found the most insane fence ever straddled. That would be

burning yes or no in 2023. Yikes. Jumanji. And when we come back, we're going to check in to see if David Icke has shut up yet. He hasn't. There's no answers. When you're looking for something that's as devoid of facts as the Bible, as anti-Semitic as the Koran, and as poorly written as the Book of Mormon,

the only place to go is David Icke. And for some reason, we're going there again in this month's installment of Everything You Need to Knope. installment of everything you need to know so we're 14 chapters into david ike's everything you need to know but have never been told and this month we're going to tackle his chapter on climate change which he's titled is it hot or is it me definitely not you david you bro rough yeah so he opens on the famous charles spurgeon quote a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes as though that was a challenge like it's always like i could get three quarters of the way around the world actually honestly that quote's a pretty

decent byline for this book if anyone wants to make a new edition it's a quote about the importance of truth immediately followed by the global army of Soros-funded progressives are running the hoax called global warming. Yeah. Next idea. And this is when he explains that climate change has actually just been a 50-year-long plus con by the Illuminati

to give them an excuse for global fascism eventually. Yeah. Sorry, it's a 50-year-long con by the thermometers? Are they in on it? Just to be clear on this plan, the secret fascists who control the world are running

a long con to control the world in 50 years. Yes! That costs them a bunch of money and shit. Yeah, but if you don't believe them, just look how much real power the UN yields. Yeah, they if you don't believe him, just look how much real power the UN yields. Yeah, they've been trying to start World War III for a while now.

Just can't find any takers. That's the issue. Powerful thing, the UN, a lot of teeth. So yeah, and he starts pinning all of this on J.D. Rockefeller, the oil tycoon. That's who's really behind the global warming hoax. And then he says also Rockefeller

includes Rothschild and I'm like because of the alphabetical proximity oh clearly also I feel like he used the wrong our name and he was like no no David

you have a no hitting the delete button policy while writing this book i'm like ah yes that global elitist that controls world events al gore let's talk about him he mentions al gore too yes he negotiated okay so i understand i can't be president but could i be in a documentary and then mocked by South Park? Al Gore is the tag-along little brother of the Illuminati that nobody likes at this point. He's just like, I almost

won the election. Wait up! Wait up! Let me do a documentary that doesn't help the planet at all. Then we learn about Agenda 21 and Agenda 2030. These are environmentalist agendas from the UN. And I wrote in my notes, I was like, I bet those are sequentially numbered climate change resolutions that accomplish nothing there.

Yep. Sure did. Sure did. It's weird that the bad guys keep giving their plans such obviously evil names, huh? Right? I'd call mine like Happy Sparkle Fun Bill just to fuck with David Icke at this point. Right?

Okay, but what about maybe the other direction? Like if I'm Bill Gates or Soros, I'm constantly wearing like little bits of lizard makeup on one side of my face and I'm like ducking

behind the podium and fixing it and coming back up. Yeah, hello. That was just a smudge. Nothing. Skin tag. Getting those like contacts that give you lizard eyes popping them out.

Yeah, right. He lists the malicious aims of Agenda 21 here too. And they're so fucking silly. It's like, number one, no national sovereignty. I'm like, I think he's exaggerating. Number two, state planning of all land resources. I'm like, he's exaggerating. Number four, abolition of private property.

There it is. Okay, I feel like we might have heard about that one. Right? Yeah. Okay, stupid. The whole section is stupid. But number six was children raised by the state. And I read that and I was like, that sounds like a good idea.

I trust the parenting of super advanced lizard aliens way more than the average human parent. Like, way more. Oh, sure. Especially Jewish parents. I want you. That sounds amazing. Yeah. Also, I loved number nine.

He says, creation of human settlement zones. And I'm like, yeah, we already have those, bro. I think it's called land of society. Places with people. And then he wraps up with number 12, mass genocide. I'm like, you're burying the lead, Dave. I think that's worse than human settlements. Yeah.

Also, it's very obvious everyone would do the genocide before the human settlements, Dave. Dave, obviously. Duh. I don't know. You can make the new settlers clean up, right? It's like, Eli, it's like you bought that house in Jersey as is. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yes. How many bodies did you have to get rid of along with these bastards? Just one. Just one, and it was small. Okay.

It was a child. It was a child. Yay! Look at us. Seven years together together this is the kind of chemistry you get and then he goes off on this long tirade about how they're gonna make us all live in tiny apartments with cameras in them yeah and every new yorker reading the book is like sweet i'm getting a camera yeah right right and this whole section is just complaining about very successful democratic socialism that's happened and is happening.

He says they don't mean equity in the sense of raising everybody up. They mean the equity of slavery, like in the Hunger Games. OK, let's think about that sentence. First of all, maybe give that book, The Hunger Games, one more read. I don't think you got it. It wasn't about equality. Also, nobody means equity of slavery. Nobody would mean, that's not a thing to mean,

except you, who just used that insane phrasing in your book that you wrote on purpose. He was bashing 15-minute cities before it was cool, though, so way to set treads there, Davey. Yeah, try to run Hunger Games in a 15-minute cities before it was cool, though. So way to set trends there, Davey. Yeah. Try to run Hunger Games in a 15-minute city.

See what happens. Like, I feel like it's a weird contract. Just a bunch of, like, happy French, sharing the baguette from the parachute from Woody Harrelson. Like, are they trying to make us fight or something? We have happy lives here. But he explains that he saw these micro-apartments they're going to make us live in when he toured the parts of the globe that'll still let him in and that's quite a few of them really in the grand

scheme of things why would you live somewhere so small when homeless people technically have the biggest house of all yeah right right but look look dude you can be against small apartments or you can be against reducing the population. You can't have both. Yeah. And your Zionist overlords can be doing small apartments or genocide. They wouldn't do both. That's just a waste of their time.

Exactly. Think it through. He goes, their desired dystopia requires tiny apartments and grimy high rises. Haven't you seen a movie in the last 60 years? They're all Duh. Does he think everyone should just own a big ranch? All the people in the world? We can all be off the grid. It'll be great.

Who's running the grid? Shut up. There's also this bit where he's like, according to a military video, cities will get bigger, which is proof that the US government is going to use the military to force people into cities. Yeah. Now

I just want to send David all military announcements so he thinks they're going to force him to see the color blue and flag day. I want Eli dressed up as a rabbi with like that Secret Service earpiece winding down to, you know, into his jacket and Eli's

just slowly ducking behind bushes like everywhere David Ike goes doing doing the lizard makeup thing too yeah you could terrify him we can make this happen Heath we can make it happen and then in the midst of a chapter about how the weather isn't changing he's going to claim that the government controls

the weather and you might be thinking how it's with frequencies. I was wondering myself, but he explains it's with frequencies. Should we think about amplitude to get the fuck out? Who do you think you are? Amplitude? Bigot. You sound ridiculous.

Yeah, but then he explains that the Manhattan Project switched to making hurricanes when they got done with atomic bombs. Okay. In Dave's vision, did they get like a vacation in between those two projects? I hope so. It was just like party with cake the day of the bomb, and then it was right back to work on the hurricanes. Guys, guys, guys. I am become death. Like E-Y-E.

He likes the hurricane. Right? Shut up, Robert. No one-E. Like Hurricane I. Right? Shut up, Robert. No one likes you. You ruined the press conference. Sorry. And then we, like, we think he's going to make with the fucking chemtrails, but it turns out that this is just like a tease for the real chemtrail chapter, which is coming up

next. Okay. Give you a little spoiler. Apparently we spray metal particles into the air to increase the power of weather manipulation and it's such a beautiful illustration of david ike's brain he was like weather weapon storm hally berries pretty lightning the more metal in the sky that's how they do it we also i maybe he mentioned this before and i missed it but i this is the first time i realized that the reptilian nazi jews live in antarctica yeah yeah the least

realistic thing he said about jews so far is that we'd be willing to live in antarctica right yeah now to be clear so like a lot of countries he starts listing all the countries that have experimented with weather manipulation it's like yeah, a lot of countries did that and still do, and they haven't made it fucking work. Yeah. The only successful one is when the entire world got together and cooperated on burning fossil fuels, which is the only one that David Icke thinks is a hoax. He's almost useful in how wrong he is every time. You're right. No, that's pretty impressive. He starts talking about artificially generated earthquakes. And I'm like, well, that's a neat trick.

And then he's like, they do it with frequencies. I was like, oh, with frequencies. I was wondering. It's with frequencies. It feels like he's going to sell us frequencies by the end of the chapter, right? Putting the frequencies in our hands. I feel like we could sell him the brown note machine in real life probably for sure i'll drop it while dressed as a rabbi oh no

so yeah but we learned that the chemtrails put metal into the atmosphere which harp the high frequency active auroral research, needs to conduct the frequencies. The frequencies, but not the amplitudes. Yeah. That's why if you attach a magnet to your airplane, a bunch of clouds follow you around like Mario Kart. I don't know if you guys know that. Right, yeah, exactly.

They film you. Yeah, and then we learn that they're also coming for your food and drink, which is why it's illegal to grow tomatoes. Anna, if you're listening, run run they'll never take this okay but seriously he's talking about globalist thugs taking down community gardens he actually says that yeah like they're gonna force us to make 15 minute cities and then they're going to destroy the 15 minute cities we're not going to know what to think going and coming so an actual line he goes gmos pesticides and herbicides have to be understood from a frequency perspective okay who taught david the word frequencies between the last chapter and this one it wasn't all all like this. Hands up. Yeah, but GMO frequencies

will straight up fucking kill you is the key. Okay. He says they can stop the standing wave oscillation of the body or what we call death. Yes. He actually said GMO frequencies will straight up fucking kill you,

but dumber than that. Like he was saying definitely that, but even dumber. And then right after that figure 531 shows a menacing field of lettuce gmo the killing field yes but with lettuce jesus yeah and then he starts demonizing the concept of like government ownership of water and i'm like that's the impetus for statewide civilization in the first place right irrigation that is this is not a new thing am i a shill for big irrigation yes everybody is a shill what are you talking about right and the thing that he's talking about, the reason why the government controls

the water is because people are idiots who cannot stop poisoning themselves. To be fair, idiots who can't stop poisoning themselves is kind of David's business model. So I can see why he would want to support that.

The more I hear people talk, especially people like David Icke, the more I like fascism like okay i don't want him making any choices about anything ever yeah no he's he's he explains that he's down with helping the environment just not in a stopping climate change kind of way i'm willing to compromise for everyone to have to take their groceries back in tote bags. How about that? We'll do the tote bag one and that's it. Yeah. No, I did like,

and honestly, it feels like he's trying to make concessions in hopes of fucking a hippie chick at the end of this chapter. Yeah. And it's kind of going well, but then he starts shaking and he's just like,

club's a baby seal. I ain't woke. Fuck. Okay. I couldn't do it that long. Yeah, but the elite trans-dimensional lizard Jews figured that the best person to sell their bogus global warming agenda would be

the guy who couldn't beat George W. Bush at the polls. By a large enough margin that the Republicans couldn't then steal it. Yeah. Hey, a little fun behind the scenes fact. Our runner up was a butter statue. A butter statue.

Should have voted for Al Gore, everybody. Yeah, right? One of my favorite moments in the whole book is where he starts railing against the fact that his kid wasn't allowed

to say global warming was a hoax on his like British SATs or whatever without losing marks. Yeah. You know that largely urban myth that says you get X amount of points

just for putting your name on the SATs? I feel like David Icke's kid did not get those points. And then we get the rarely employed argument from those polar bears probably had it coming. Yeah, he mentions the image of the polar bear

standing on the tiny amount of ice. And he says, look at the picture and that's all you see, nothing more. But then you add a caption and it becomes environmentalist propaganda. The caption is the insidious part. So first of all, it's weird that you thought that would be like an aging polar bear

euthanizing itself on a tiny little ice flow if you didn't have a caption to explain it to you. Also, you literally just moments ago showed us an image of lettuce with a caption about polar pots and the killing fields. Right. He goes, why doesn't the media mention the studies that say global warming isn't happening and i'm like well yeah i guess i could only be the illuminati that's the only explanation so fox news pops into the room rubbing its nose sorry did you say you had studies on global warming isn't happening we'd love some studies also can we borrow like 787.5 million dollars i know you got that alien gold. Come on.

But this is also where he explains that they changed the term to climate change because it wasn't warm enough for them to keep using global warming. Imagine thinking people were too stupid to understand that global warming didn't mean never be winter again was the point for your side. And imagine thinking propaganda advice from frank luntz to george w bush was a point for your side also we've been saying both the whole time

the first use of climate change was a 1975 article by a geochemist called climate change are we on the brink of a pronounced global warming we've had all those words and we've been using them for a while now right yes both terms coined in 1975 yes yeah that was from lamont doherty by the way where i worked one summer pretty cool nice nice i went to new york university what are you doing man lamont Doherty was associated with Columbia University oh and well there you go Ivy League I just thought we were

sharing fun things Eli is NYU in the Ivy League or was it no it's not it's not one of those okay it's purple it's mildly

snooty the violence and then of course this is where he explains that clouds are way worse than CO2 emissions so why aren't we

trying to ban clouds right he says that worse than CO2 emissions. So why aren't we trying to ban clouds? He says that being against CO2 is like being racist against plants. Okay. After he said water is actually way scarier than CO2, we should ban the clouds. I started to write,

why do you hate plants as a joke? And then I looked down, very first sentence of the next paragraph. Yep. More CO2 is good for plant life. Why do the environmentalists hate plants? This is the point where I would block David on Twitter in case anyone's keeping track. Oh, okay.

Interesting. You gave him a long time. Long time. There's also this great fucking moment where he's like, you know, they always say, you always hear this statistic that 97% of climate scientists agree on human caused climate change but in reality and he starts giving all these numbers he's like but so in reality it's ever so slightly less than that might even be 96 sure great yeah one of those idiots in that three maybe four percent gets a big block quote in this segment he tries to explain that the oceans have so much

fucking water that it's really hard to heat them up. So I don't know what we're worried about. So this guy says, apparently, if we devoted every power plant in the world to heating the oceans, it would take 32,000 years to move it up one degree Celsius and take six quadrillion terajoules of energy. Okay. So I saw that I did a quick Google and one little division problem. That's the amount of energy that hits the earth from the sun in about a year and a half. The total. Oh, wow.

So we might want to keep letting some of that energy head back to space once in a while. Probably a good idea. You fucking idiot. One minute on Google. Yeah, no, and of course, after an entire subchapter of saying that the data is on his side, he devotes another one to saying the data is manipulated

and therefore meaningless, right? He's like, well, some scientists wrote a paper that wasn't as well researched as it should have been, and then they retracted it, which proves that climate change is a hoax. Yeah, we hear this from pseudoscientists all the time, and retraction watches a gotcha

is like saying erasers prove that pencils aren't real. It really is, isn't it? Look at this example of the scientific method happening in your face. Science is fake. No, no. We are saying that. We are saying look at this example of scientific method.

It's in your face jesus and of course he brings up climate gate a controversy created when republican operatives realized that they could put the suffix gate after the word climate yeah honestly anyone using gate as a suffix at this point is under suspicion i agree i guess what i'm saying is i'm calling for a gate gate thank you hold on I think Eli's the werewolf. You're the werewolf. You just said gate gates. And then we get, and I've never seen this one before,

the argument from if the government cared about global warming, why would they still be suppressing Tesla's free energy machine? That's a new one for me. Why have we never seen that thing that we've never seen? Interesting. Build me the green lantern ring right now. Right. And of course, less people think that he's on Trump's side.

He pushes back against Trump here. He's like, you know, Trump once said global warming was a hoax perpetrated by China. And that's not who's perpetrating the hoax at all. It's aliens. It's not a hoax by China. And that's not who's perpetrating the hoax at all. It's aliens. It's not a hoax by China. It's interdimensional oscillation aliens, Jewish lizards.

Very next thought, sanity must prevail before the hoax. And then he closes off by promising that the remaining chapters aren't going to be so grounded in the observable. Oh tease davey yeah let loose buddy but yeah no but we get to close on good news uh this time there are only three chapters left in this fucking book and a

postscript and we're definitely doing a fucking postscript yeah but but still the end is in sight and it'll be all that much closer on the next installment of... Everything You Need to Know. Before we wind it down tonight, I want to thank everybody who made our fundraiser so successful last month. I'm still amazed that I get to do this for a living, and I cannot slather enough thanks onto the people who make it possible. But I'll keep trying. Thank you. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister

show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister, so citation needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd be unworthy of outro segment duties if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the bee's knees, Eli Bosnick for being the bee's ankles, and Lucinda Lusions for being, I guess, the wings most of the time, but the stinger when she has to be. I also want to thank Max from the Poor Historians podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, and if you, like myself, have a morbid fascination with medical history, be sure to check the show notes for a link to his show. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous Matreon patrons.

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