The Scathing Atheist - 541: Sad Pastor Edition

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

In this week’s episode, we’ll learn that even the national embarrassments are bigger in Texas, we find that pastors are mathematically sad and alone, and we’ll shop a new spot for our secret communism portal. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Learn more about donating a kidney here: https://www.kidneyregistry.org/ --- Headlines: Ohio congressman targets MRFF in Defense Bill: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/gop-congressman-targets-churchstate After complaints from Christians, Poland's 666 bus to Hel will cease to exist: https://friendlyatheist.substack.com/p/after-complaints-from-christians A majority of Republicans now say same-sex relations are immoral after a year of 'groomer' attacks on LGBTQ people, poll finds: https://www.businessinsider.com/majority-of-republicans-now-call-same-sex-relations-immoral-gallup-2023-6 GOP lawmaker says Mount Rushmore is a demonic portal spreading communism: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/south-dakota-state-rep-joe-donnell-claims-mount-rushmore-is-a-demonic-portal-spreading-communism-across-the-nation/ Insurers in Australia refuse to cover Anglican churches for child abuse claims: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2023/jun/25/australian-anglican-schools-left-exposed-as-insurers-refuse-to-indemnify-church-against-child-abuse-claims Texas governor embarrassingly fooled by fake article attacking Garth Brooks: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/06/texas-governor-embarrassingly-fooled-by-fake-article-attacking-garth-brooks/ Marjorie Taylor Greene rages at Pride chant after failing to realize it’s sarcastic: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2023/06/marjorie-taylor-greene-rages-at-pride-chant-after-failing-to-realize-its-sarcastic/ Sucks (ever more) to be a pastor: https://wfin.com/fox-national-news/exhausted-pastors-suffering-decline-in-overall-health-respect-friendship-study/ --- This Week in Misogyny: SCOTUS sides with reason on charter school’s skirt rule: https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2023/06/26/charter-school-girls-skirts-supreme-court/ Arizona governor restrists abortion prosecution: https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/arizona/2023/06/23/arizona-gov-hobbs-signs-executive-order-to-limit-abortion-prosecution/70348934007/

Warning, this podcast contains warnings. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Sparkle Donkey Tequila and by a lot of other intoxicants that aren't paying us to mention them too. And now, The Scathing Atheist. My name is Andrew. I just finished donating a kidney and even hopped up on pain meds. I still know that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey people. It's Thursday.

It's June 29th. And it's the Feast of St. Peter and Paul. Weird they make them share, right? Right. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from J. Robert Oppenheimer's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, even the national embarrassments are bigger in Texas. We learn that pastors are mathematically sad and alone. And we'll shop a new spot for our secret communism portal. But first, the diatribe. I remember one time I was at an atheist convention. I don't remember which one. And I get word that there's an asshole Christian on the street outside the convention hotel on a bullhorn, pestering all the atheists as they come in and go out. And that makes me hungry.

So I go downstairs, I step outside, and I don't see him right away. He was around the corner at a side entrance to the hotel where all the smokers were congregating, but I did hear him right away because his assholery is amplified. So I sneak up on him. And that's easy to do to a guy

who's screaming into a fucking bullhorn. I walk up behind him. I get like nine inches from his ear and I wait for him to take a breath. And as soon as he does, I scream at the top of my lungs. I reject the unfounded assertions you're making and would like to see the evidentiary basis for your conclusions. Dude jumps to a slapstickian degree. And he was so startled that he missed the fact that I followed that up by saying, in just like a regular normal human tone, see, loud isn't conducive to a discussion at all. But he missed that, and he wasn't going to hear it at all, even if I repeated it, because he'd learned his lesson about taking breaths, right? lesson about taking breaths, right? So the second he'd recovered enough to verify he hadn't pissed himself, he just screamed into his megaphone nonstop through some weird master flautist circular breathing technique or some shit. And of course, the first thing he started screaming about

was chastising me for yelling at him. Like, motherfucker seriously complained about my volume when I was literally trying to shout over him. And I think about that exchange every time I hear somebody talk about how they wish that atheists would be quieter about their beliefs. It's like, motherfuckers, y'all are the ones we're trying to shout down. You're in control of the volume here and you always have been. It would be literally impossible for us to be louder about this shit than you since our whole fucking thing is inherently responsive. We can't complain about the thing you're doing until you start doing it. Hell, you can't even describe our position without

referencing yours, right? We're atheists. We're also a bunch of other unfounded bullshitists too but we don't need a special word for it because the background noise from people who believe in astrology and bigfoot and flat earth isn't deafening the way it is with religion i mean i don't fucking believe that ferrets have accountants i don't believe that with every bit as much fervor and passion as i don't believe in god you never hear me talk about itants. I don't believe that with every bit as much fervor and passion as I don't believe in God. You never hear me talk about it, though, because I don't fucking have to. Right. But if people started making laws based on the idea that ferrets had accountants and started adjusting educational standards and trying to take away people's rights in the name of ferret

accountants, suddenly those same motherfuckers would be sick of hearing me talk about how ferrets don't have accountants all the goddamn time. But of course, it's more than that, isn't it? People like to cloak their discomfort as mere annoyance. We talk about it too much. We're too rude. We're too arrogant. We're too loud. They act as though they're merely irritated by the repetition, you know, the way that one might be irritated by a friend that just won't shut up about Star Wars or whatever, right? But the reality is much harsher because the thing we're talking about is the thing that they're contributing to.

Whether they're tithing Christians who directly fund the child rape cabals or timid agnostics who simply acquiesce to them, they're carrying a certain amount of culpability for the chief obstacle to human progress. And that's the kind of thing you don't have to remind people of very often for them to get sick of hearing it. So look, religious people, if you want us to stop saying duck season, all you have to do is stop saying rabbit season. After all, it is duck season in this analogy. And to all the non-believers who

criticize the vocal approach or who refuse to admit what a huge societal cancer religion really represents, just know that I'm talking as loud as I am because I have to make up for your silence. And I promise to back down to precisely the degree that you promise to step up. back down to precisely the degree that you promised to step up. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight

are the Android and Apple to my landline Heath Enright and Eli Posnick. Fellas, are you ready to answer the call? Two rings straight to voicemail. For sure. What? Who calls? Okay. That's on my headstone.

Yeah, straight to voicemail. I calls? That's on my headstone. I should have known better. Sometimes when he doesn't answer, Noah and I just use a magic eight ball to make company decisions. It works out about the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Speaking of which, all signs point to a word from this week's sponsor, Sparkle Donkey Tequila.

Hey, podcast listener. I'm Noah Lusions. And I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm heath henry a little bit of a pickle that we're in this week as you know sparkle donkey tequila is one of our regular sponsors and they were due to have an ad on this week's program but as you've doubtless heard by now as of this record sparkle donkey their mascot has taken several hostages at a Boise, Idaho M&M's factory and refuses to release them until their parent company, Mars Candy Corporation, quote, makes the green M&M hot again. Now, we want to emphasize that when we agreed to work with Sparkle Donkey, it was because of its fruity bouquet, fantastic flavor, and the fact that you, podcast listener, can ask for it at your local wine or liquor store almost anywhere in the world. Oh, you can even just check it out at blackrockspirits.com.

But we had no idea that the Sparkle Donkey himself had spoken so publicly and so often about his lust for the green M&M when we made that deal. Exactly. Now, obviously, we are holding the families of those caught up in this in our hearts. And Sparkle Donkey, if you are listening, please let those people go. M&M's is not able to release a green M&M with, quote, big honking bazongas

within the time that you demand, and their employees should not pay the price. Thank you. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, an increasing number of violations are being reported from American service members proving that the U.S. military is becoming a breeding ground for Christian nationalism, so Ohio Congressman Mike Turner wants to do something about those reports. Great. That's right.

The Republican chair of the House Intelligence Committee snuck an amendment onto the National Defense Authorization Act that would block service members from communicating with the Military Religious Freedom Foundation and prevent military officials from correcting church state violations if notice of those violations happen to come from the MRFF. Right, because who watches the watchdog? Big problem. What are you going to do there? The only answer is to murder every single dog.

Yep. All the dogs. I've always said our military is far too accountable when it comes to fascism and its race. Yeah, that's the big problem. So, yeah, so this all stems from a kerfuffle back in 2016 over a Bible in an MIA POW display at the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, which is in Turner's district. We probably talked about it in the show. I can't remember for sure.

Secular activists pointed out that including a Bible and no paraphernalia from other religions in the display suggested that there was something Christian about being a POW. Yeah, we like religions that don't get caught. Exactly. So soldiers complained to the MRFF. The MRFF complained to the brass and the brass bible all appeared next to each other in a sentence christians freaked the fuck out and acted like this was an affront to jesus there it is mike turner led the charge on this back in 2016 he fell flat on his face and he's clearly been shower arguing with the mrff about it ever since yeah so it's obviously about inclusion rather than being an affront to Christianity.

But for me, it's also an affront to Christianity. I like, I affront thee. Your book is bad. I affront you. That too. Also, just saying, maybe if you want to spread the Christian message, tell your boy to descend from the clouds every now and then and save a power to from captivity. I just saying it would do wonders for your visibility jesus wouldn't it though would you say you do here now this amendment did make it out of committee with bipartisan support but that doesn't really

mean much right the ndaa is always a bipartisan thing more or less and the version that comes out of committee is going to change a lot before it goes to a vote it's likely that democratic representatives that voted in favor of it in committee weren't even aware of the amendment yet. But that fact and the fact that it's blatantly illegal to target a specific watchdog group with legislation is no guarantee that it won't somehow wind up passing through the least sane Republican Congress in American history. Yeah, if our elected representatives could forego sneaking altogether, I, for one, would really appreciate

the lack of sneaking. Wouldn't that be nice? Also, the MRFF is a church now, so you can't do shit. Okay, are we done? There you go. Of course, for their part, the MRFF isn't going to take this one lying down. President of the organization, Mikey Weinstein, bowed to sue if the amendment passed.

And in a response with a refreshingly generous helping of go fuck yourself, he said, quote, if they don't like what we do at MRFF on behalf of our 84,000 plus military and veteran clients, they can take a number, pack a picnic lunch, and stand in line with the

rest of those fundamentalist Christian extremists bastards who constitute our enemies. End quote. Okay. I think we have the undercard for Zuck V. Musk. This is awesome. Any GOP lawmaker who wants to fight Mikey, I'll fly you there. I'll buy you the gloves, whatever you need.

Nothing more embarrassing. I feel like it should be Turner, though. Yeah. Next up in headlines, in highway to H-E double hockey sticks news, or single hockey stick, in a second you'll understand. After a long series of complaints

from insane religious people, a bus company in Poland had to change the name of a popular route because it was number 666, and one terminus was the name of a popular route because it was number 666. And one terminus was the town of Hell with one L. Oh, nice. Okay. To be fair, assuming that the folks

who brought us the Plaza Sal concentration camp less than two generations ago were ready for whimsy, that's on them, right? That's on them. Okay, but I feel like the Satanists should run a retaliatory campaign against the town for not having enough l's in its name right like turn about his fair play all right well big thanks to jane for the links skating news at gmail.com good stuff so hell is a

delightful resort town on the baltic sea and it definitely benefits from the novelty of people taking the 666 to hell. That's fun for people, and they go there. But that town can go fuck itself because demon magic is real. According to the Catholic group called Fronda, Route 666 is malicious and it's satanic stupidity. It also added, exact quote, it strikes at the Christian order of the polish state and its

foundations and hence at the good of all of us hell is the negation of humanity it is eternal death and suffering you can only laugh at this reality if you simply don't understand what it is yeah super serious which i couldn't say without laughing now you don't Yeah, super serious. Which I couldn't say without laughing. No, you don't understand it. Super serious. Hey, Polish Catholics, are there any other inhuman practices you want to focus on that aren't bus route names?

Can we think of anything that might be worthy of our focus? Train routes, maybe. Polish Catholic Church. Yeah, right. No, those Christianian foundations they've been working out great for you i just i feel like the original form of that quote ended with the name of the dude that was actively laughing at them as they said this right and they just they

just omitted the dot dot dot larry for the press release heath heath take our quote serious when you read it please so thanks to religion being completely fucking absurd, the bus company had to spend a bunch of time and money putting new route numbers on all their materials and signage to ensure that they don't continue destroying the foundation of the Polish state. And starting on June 24th, the way to hell is going to be route 669.

Oh, which is great because, you know, yeah, 69 sex thing. And also because the bus company announced it in exactly the mocking fashion that religion deserves. They put out an official announcement that said,

we're turning the last six upside down. So basically like, okay, idiots, we're slowly turning one of the digits of base 10 in this thing. Turning it, turning it. Let us know when the demon goes away.

Turning it. Okay, now it's gone now. The demon is gone now. Fucking great. It's 669. And in climbing bigotry news. Sure. You know, it can be easy

to look at Christian homophobia as just so much puffery of a dying worldview. And don't get me wrong, it is those things, but we got an unpleasant reminder this week that it also works. As ridiculous as you and I

might find calling a library story our grooming, there's way too many Americans who find these accusations convincing. Or, at the very least, it emboldens people who are already bigots to be honest about it to pollsters.

And we saw all of that this week in a New Gallup poll that showed a drop in support for LGBTQ relationships because the direction Christians are always facing is backwards. Well, no. That's the direction they're going,

but they never look where they're going. They're just stumbling backwards blindly, lest they be forced to confront all the shit their worldview inevitably leads to when it gains power. No, that's fair. Yeah, that's fair. So, yeah, of course, an uptick in bigotry is bad, but also this is making sex better for

me if I'm part of an LGBTQ relationship, right? Is it? Actually, it's making sex better for me regardless. Just knowing they're mad, I like that. You know, spite is powerful and sexual. Okay. Well, thank you for sharing, Heath. Okay.

Just me. Just me. Spite sex is Heath. Okay, just me. Just me, spite sex is positive. Okay. Now, I want to say at the front here that this is reflective of an overall more conservative shift, like period. Support for liberal ideas and policies

dropped almost universally across the board in this new poll, but nowhere took a larger hit than LGBTQ relationships, which went from 71% of American support in 2022 to just 64% this year. Jesus. And if you're wondering where that change is coming from, it's Republican Christians once again pulling the national average down. Support for LGBTQ relationships dropped by 15% among Christian Republicans between this and last year. That's the largest one-year drop since Gallup started asking the question. Jesus.

So they're getting better at getting worse, is what you're saying. Yeah. Regressing to the mean conf news. The Christian right, regressing to the mean conf. That's their thing. Exactly, yeah. Now, and I want to be clear here. This is because of Christian and Republican rhetoric, right?

Like, I'm sure opinion on green M&Ms and Budweiser is down among Republican Christians as well, which is what makes voices like yours so valuable. Because look, it's easy to forget that your atheist activism is important. After all, there is no God. So it's not like he's coming for you anytime soon. But your voice on these matters, your voice against a sustained campaign of hatred holds back the tide of bigotry.

So next time you feel like keeping the peace, going easy or playing nice. And I know a lot of you have to do that for like your jobs and your safety. So by all means, continue if that's you. But if you're just doing it to keep rooms pleasant, consider this story permission to be an asshole because you never know who's listening and it could matter more than you know. There you go. And in Dakota panning news, as you all know, as members of the Atheist Cabal, we've been operating a secret interdimensional portal

at Mount Rushmore in order to spread communism. Of course. So yeah, yeah. Obviously, we had plenty of the normal communism from standard space time, but this allowed us

to get a bunch of that extra-dimensional economic theory from the other dimensions. And of course, it's a great spot for bringing in the demons we need. The communism demons, yeah. And it was going great. But then, South Dakota State Rep Joe Donnell and some magical Christian prophets had a big conference and figured out our whole plan. donald announced it on the radio we've been made okay so for so for real even if mount rushmore had an interdimensional communism portal it would still be too boring to make it worth going to south dakota for right like that still would not be worth the trip all right and a big thanks to heather for the link scathing news

at gmail.com. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Heath, are you telling me that not only can people send us the latest atheist news at scathingnews at gmail.com, but when they do, one lucky winner will be kidnapped in their sleep and brought to an abandoned summer camp for a week of fun with their own clones? Don't like what your brain does. I don't like it. Yeah, me too. Okay. Scathingnews at gmail.com, everybody. So, the conference where

they put this all together, called Open the Heavens, Let God Arise, was held at the Monument Fine Arts Theater in Rapid City, South Dakota. That's right down the road from the Rapid City Howard Johnson, where everyone stayed. It was a great time.

It was a really fun time. The event featured Jim Price, Andrew Whalen, Mary Crowley, and, of course, live music from Bobby Cummings and Beyond the Veil. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. All of them. But the big highlight was an appearance by Donald Trump himself as a cloud. Oh, everyone very clearly saw Donald Trump in cloud form right above Mount Rushmore during the conference.

Steve Schultz, the profit show guy, documented the whole thing and talked about it on his show. I put a screenshot in the notes. You can see Trump in that cloud. It's the one right in the middle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right above Rushmore there. Yeah, no, I see the resemblance, but come on, like white, soft, pillowy,

sometimes unnaturally orange, not much substance, not long for this world. Most clouds look like Trump, right? That's fair, yeah. I miss when the Virgin Mary appeared on toast, right? Those simpler time, halcyon day. She still does. So the magical appearance by Trump was bad news for the secret portal because it totally tipped off Joe Donnell. And here's what he had to say on Mary Crowley's radio show. Quote, if you go back and do some search history on Mount Rushmore, it's actually a Freemason shrine.

It was set up to enshrine democracy or the Declaration of Independence. Okay, I'm going to stop right there. Quick thing. They started building Mount Rushmore in 1927, a little bit after the Declaration of Independence. And the designer guy, yeah, it was a Freemason. But that's true whether or not you go back and do any search history. That's also irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Donald continued, what the Lord revealed to me is that Mount Rushmore has a direct ley line to Washington, D.C. And the Lord said, basically,

that as we continue to work in prayer and do the work of the ministry, that he was going to break that connection. Because in order to understand the spiritual realm of what we're facing, we have to realize that in order for the enemy to do anything, the enemy needs the agreement of human beings. And oftentimes, that comes in the form of an altar, an active altar that acts as a portal for demonic things and quote we're busted my assessment of that quote would be entirely unchanged if you added

the words which is why i had to smear the poop on that school bus to the end of it like for real like that would not change that sentence's structure in any real meaningful way. No, that would be better because he'd have like a goal. He'd be like doing something. There would be a therefore. Exactly. It's a more active choice. I agree. Just seems like he's useful to something, not, but is, he thinks he is. Anyway, Joe Donald also mentioned another message from God that he got back in 2020, right before Donald Trump visited Mount Rushmore on July 4th, like in person, not cloud. Quote, God spoke to me and said, when Donald Trump steps foot on this territory, there's something that's going to be done as far as the Constitution being upheld. It's going to bring a breakthrough with the constitution said god what and what we're

really dealing with in that portal is communism it's the ideology and all the demonic entities and spirits behind that i have a question maybe unrelated what work is the word communism doing in demonic communism right is are the demons sharing in the work of torturing humans are we talking about abandoning the hierarchy of satan being in charge it's like now it's a lateralized power structure i just i i want to know the work the words do are there demonic capitalists that he's more in favor of yeah no, no, I get it. I have questions too. Yeah. It's like animal farm with demons. It's cool.

So just circling back to the pin, when Donald mentioned the term ley line, if you're not familiar, that was a reference to one of the dumbest conspiracy theories of all time. Sure was. It might get its very own citation. It's the idea that prominent structures

and landmarks fall on lines lines if you draw lines on a map you have to draw your own lines yeah yeah like wherever you want on a map if a line goes there and things are there that's a conspiracy and there's a whole community of ley line hunters who do this. They draw lines between churches and monuments and stuff to figure out the flow of Earth energies. Apparently, the old-timey Illuminati people,

lizard aliens, Jewish, did this to guide alien spacecraft because the aliens that traveled across galaxies would need some local help when they get there. No, no, it's like the dude with the orange cones at the airport. I get it.

I feel like Arrival wouldn't have had nearly the same gravitas if the first 45 minutes had been them trying to parallel park. So I get it. Right, no, they need the ley lines. Yeah, exactly. So here's the thing big takeaway in terms of strategy going forward for us this is an action item for the next time we make a secret demonic portal okay i'm listening maybe we don't have a giant well-known sculpture and popular tourist attraction as the location for the secret portal yeah i feel like i mentioned that in the original

meeting about the you know the portal in the first place, but here we are. It is what it is. Let's just be smart next time around and not do that. Literally anywhere else in either Dakota would have, yeah, right. So while we ruminate on that, we're going to take a break

and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. You pause too much in the meetings. That's why no one a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in misogyny well that's it folks not sure if it's, but we're at a point where the Supreme Court not doing the misogynistic is so striking, it's newsworthy. So I guess at best we can call this a piece of bittersweet news. When faced with the option of doing an incredibly sexist thing that would clearly violate the intentions of the Constitution and the common understanding of justice in a way that would unfairly favor religion, the Supreme Court didn't. way that would unfairly favor religion, the Supreme Court didn't. So this story comes to us from a charter school in North Carolina that had a policy requiring all female students to wear skirts. This policy was enacted in the words of the school to protect chivalry. Well, a couple of beskirted

students took issue with it, so parents complained. And apparently the school's defense was, we actually do a ton of sexist stuff, kind of our thing. Like for real, they responded to the complaint by pointing out that they also require boys to hold doors for the girls and that they require that each boy carry an umbrella so that they can keep rain off of the female students. And as one parent wrote in the suit, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that she is as capable as her male classmates, that she can achieve as much as her male classmates, that she can achieve as much as her male classmates can, and that she does not need her male classmates to protect her, end quote. In other words, she can carry her own fucking umbrella. When the school fails to change the

policy, the parents team up with the ACLU to sue them, and they win. The courts rule that this is a super obvious violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment, but the school appealed and lost again. So they appealed again, this time to the Supreme Court, and ultimately 10 states urged the SCOTUS to take up the case and exempt charter schools from the 14th Amendment, even though they're publicly funded. But they didn't, which is nice. It's kind of like when the supervillain is, it at spoils his cat and believe it or not i'm going to follow this up with a little more good news thanks to astute listener emily who sent us this one at scathing news at gmail.com see one of the real hotly contested battlegrounds in terms of american abortion rights at the moment is the state of arizona when the dobbs decision came down down, Arizona's laws were thrown so out of

whack that abortion providers were worried about being prosecuted under the laws that predated Arizona statehood and never got updated because the SCOTUS was setting the rules. And amid the fear and chaos in the aftermath, the normally red-leaning state elected themselves a Democratic governor who specifically ran on a platform of protecting reproductive rights. Well, that governor, Katie Hobbs, is doing what she can to make good on that promise, even though she's fighting against a lot of super conservative state, county, and municipal officials to do so. Last week, she signed an executive order that would give the state attorney general jurisdiction

in all attempts to prosecute anyone for abortion-related crime, stripping over zealous anti-choice county prosecutors of the ability to dust off some shit from the 19th century and try to jail a doctor with it. The order also vowed to deny extradition for anybody accused of violating anti-abortion laws in other states and established an advisory council specifically tasked with fighting more lasting ways to protect abortion access in the state.

So yeah, the SCOTUS didn't do a bad thing, and the state of Arizona did a good thing. Both equally unusual propositions that came together to make for a surprisingly pleasant twin this week. But I promise to enrage you better next time. For now, though, I'll just hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Anglicant news, churches once again want us to feel sorry for them about the end of a sentence that starts with churches raped so many kids that. What's more, in this instance, they want taxpayers to pay for it and they're going to get that, which is only surprising because this is a story out of Australia.

But yeah, apparently in many parts of Australia, private insurers now refuse to cover Anglican schools for physical and sexual abuse against children. So the solution has been for the individual states to indemnify those schools, meaning that if they get sued, the taxpayers will foot the bill. So the end result of them raping so many kids they were uninsurable against kid rape was free state-funded kid rape insurance ultimately it saved them money oh yeah child sex abuse is the eli driving of child sex abuse uh i've always said that what cool heath is that it's because it's bad yes because that's that so yeah. Eli driving is the child sex abuse of weight. Eli driving.

No, it doesn't go both ways. So, yeah. So so quick thanks to Gray Bix for sending us this story at Scathing News at Gmail dot com, though they mislabeled it as a bit of good news out of Australia. Now, to their credit, I think they were just responding to the headline, which was, quote, Australian Anglican schools left exposed as insurers refused to indemnify churches against child abuse claims, end quote. And that does sound good, right, until you start digging. And in some instances, actually, it is good that the schools actually are on the hook for any lawsuit that comes along. But out of fear that this would lead Anglican churches to shut down their out-of-home and homeless child services, states rushed to take care of the problem with government-backed guarantees. The problem in their mind being that people who raped too many kids to be insured

against raping kids might stop having ready access to kids. Hey, if you're uninsurable and you keep driving, we take your car and you go to jail, right? So like maybe we treat this other thing as if it's serious like cars. That would be great. Okay, can we get the Geico lizard to take a look at any of this? He hasn't fucked any kids to my knowledge, right? Don't you dare doodly-doo right now, Morgan. Don't you dare. Doesn't matter how much audio I recorded before the podcast we sent to you. It's not happening. We agreed as a company. The answer was no.

Now, to be clear, lawmakers have admitted that this is not a tenable long-term solution. This became a problem in 2021 when new laws loosened the restrictions on who could bring abuse claims against the church. And since then, an interjurisdictional group has been trying to hammer out a long-term solution. But as long as their ultimate goal is to prop up child abusers, I don't feel like there's a tenable solution in the offing. I mean, there could be, but Australia won't read what I put in the suggestion box, so... Yeah, don't doodly-do that either, Morgan. And by the way... Same doodly-do. If you're wondering... And we're back. Why... it was complex, it took a lot of turns, unexpected turns.

But if you're wondering, by the way, why we're talking about Anglican schools and not Catholic ones, it's because Catholicism literally operates its own child rape insurance program. Yikes. So it's not that the Anglicans are worse when it comes to child abuse. It's just that they're worse when it comes to child abuse organization. You know, you got to build out the structures for your abuse. Terrifying. About the infrastructure. Horizontal fucking integration of that.

I don't know. Yes. Jesus Christ. And in satire rotation news. Nice. We've been saying for a while that the Christian right is such an absurd caricature of itself that comedy is dead. But as we learned from Jeff Goldblum, laugh finds a way. And now we're in meta, meta satire land.

They're immune to first level satire by being absurdly horrible. But they're also idiots who don't understand satire as a concept. So now they're doing caricatures of caricatures of themselves in response to the original caricatures and like swooshing a doodly-doo without even realizing. And we have two amazing examples from this week.

Would you like to start with Texas Governor Greg Abbott or Madge-tage-g Gadge Marjorie Taylor Greene. I prefer to be eased into Marjorie Taylor Greene. That's fair. So here's the latest from Greg Abbott. He retweeted an article with the headline Garth Brooks booed off stage at 123rd Annual Texas Country Jamboree in Hamberston, along with the comment, go woke, go broke. And in case anyone missed it, that's a reference to a stupid bigot thing from earlier this month.

Some homophobic country fans recently found out that Garth Brooks is a longtime ally of the gay community, and they tried to organize a boycott of the superstar with a net worth of like $430 million. Yeah, that'll show him. Yeah, no, no. Now all his royalties from CDs at Sam Goody, that's all going to dry up because go woke, go broke. Point being, Greg Abbott is a dumb person, but it's so much dumber than just trying to hurt Garth Brooks financially

with a tweet and CD sales going down. First of all, Hamberston does not exist. Not a place. Also, 123rd is clearly a made up number from a sarcastic lie that you are falling for right now. And most importantly, the article is from a publication called the Dunning kruger times yeah sure the fuck what now to be fair nothing about greg abbott has ever suggested that he's familiar with the concept of fact checking but yeah that's this should have that should have been obvious right and to be clear by go woke greg abbott meant have slightly more liberal opinions than the final desperate lunge of homophobia before our political party collapses it's not like garth brooks is out there fucking a trans lives matter

and that brings us to madge taj gaj it all started when she found a clip from last week's drag march in new york. In the clip, people are chanting, we're here, we're queer, we're coming for your children. Hate to spoil the rest of the story, but that was sarcasm. And of course, MTG did not catch it. MTG tweeted the clip from the drag march, along with a comment saying, quote, this movement grooms minors to have mastectomies and castration and fuels a multi-billion dollar medical child abuse industry. Pass the Protect Children's Innocence Act, end quote. Okay, so I get that the chant is sarcasm, but somebody should absolutely be coming for her children, right? I feel like they're probably all grown up

and I'm like, somebody should have come for them. And if LGBTQ activists were planning to do that, that would be one of those societal goods that would be worth chanting about, would be worth dedicating a chant to. Right.

It's also worth pointing out in this moment that the power difference between sarcastic chanting at a pride march and the congressperson pushing her bigot law is pretty large, right? One of these things is a much more real danger

that we should be concerned about. Yeah. And at this point, you might be thinking, okay, Marjorie Taylor Greene is a lunatic and tragically stupid, but nobody else would make the same mistake. Stop thinking that. Why would you think that? Of course they would. We got pretty much the exact same terrified reaction from Trump's lawyer, Jenna Ellis, along with several other conservative talking heads.

And we also got entire articles about the chant from the New York Post and Fox News. They employ people who graduated from journalism school like shitty ones but they did do that allegedly and they thought the lgbtq community of new york city was chanting their very real secret plan to come for your children yeah right no next week they're gonna have a fucking they're to take the clip of you saying that we really have an interdimensional communism portal in Mount Rushmore from before and go, see, caught red-handed.

Run an article about it. One other thought on all of this. I feel like it's super problematic that all these insane Christian people are only concerned about the non-hetero pedophiles of the world. Now, I'm focusing on

a weird angle here, but they did it first. They weird angled first. Why are they ignoring the majority of pedophiles? That's just bad parenting, right? Exactly, yes. All pedophiles matter, dash Heathenwright. Also, they're not coming for your children.

I feel like that's arrogant from a lot of these parents. Right, yeah, come on. Kids are ugly. The song isn't actually about you. My kid? Adorable. It's about Dave Coulier. And finally tonight, in put out to pastor news.

Whenever we can, we like to end the headline segment on a upbeat, right? We talk about a lot of depressing shit on the show and we try to soften the blow a bit by capping things off with something that can put a smile on your face. And this week, I just happened to see a headline that probably would have put a smile on my face through facial paralysis. They went like this, quote, study exhausted pastors suffering decline in overall health, respect, friendship. End quote. That's right. Pastors have never been sicker, less respected or more alone.

That has to be a good sign, right? Yeah. And this is a full genre of story at this point. And I love it. Like serious think pieces about how society is polarized that immediately devolve into like, I'm alone on Christmas because my whole family hates me.

Please enroll at PragerU and your validation is so bad, man. So, quick thanks to Dave for sending us this one at scathingnews at gmail.com. This study comes to us from the Barner Group, which is a faith-based research group that probably thought a study proven

that nobody likes pastors, but their moms was going to drum up sympathy or something, I guess. But it showed that between 2015 and 2022, pastors showed a significant decrease in their average mental and physical well-being as well as their spiritual well-being. Whatever the fuck that means.

Their overall quality of life took a step a steep hit as well as did their community reputation and just because and you have no friends is such a great bonus taunt it's such an awesome plus one they're also reporting ever fewer true friends okay so i looked at the study from the Barna group, and here's how they figured out spiritual well-being. Oh, do tell. They asked a bunch of pastors if their spirit health was excellent, good, average, below average, poor, or I don't know. I don't know! And the group who said below average or poor more than doubled from 2015 to last year nice just for the record

though the correct answer is i don't know or n slash a and nobody ever answered with that in either year weird okay also not for nothing i'm pretty sure everyone's physical and spiritual health is down from 20 fucking 15 yeah but unlike pastors that's not our fucking fault right yeah bill gates now i i i want to be clear that the absolute numbers here aren't actually that high right like this is self-reported stuff as heath mentioned and as of 2022 only 10 of pastors rated their emotional and mental health as below average right i feel like if if barna surveyed say podcasters on that one we generally do a lot worse yeah but i feel like i'd wreck the curve like that kid who throws up at the start of the sats so i don't i don't know that's fair i don't want to use that metric don't curve the sids but the key to this story

is the movement. Over the seven years that they've been tracking this, every quality of life measure they could think of for their survey has declined for pastors. The job of professional liar and bigotry shield has sucked more and more every year that they've asked about it. And if that isn't worth smiling about, I don't know what the fuck we're even doing here.

So with the party hat budget justified once again, I feel like we can close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll don some four. And then Tuesday, we go to this place in Flushing that specializes in hand-cut Beijing duck. Yeah, they put it in a wooden box. Yeah. Okay, so wait, wait, wait.

You guys go to a different restaurant every night. Yeah, we do. It feels like a lot. You feel like a lot, Don. Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Don. What did you get here? Oh, Eli turned my work chair into a catapult and fired me back at the house this morning.

Noah, do you go to all these restaurants? No, I do not. That's not true. He goes to the weed infused places. What? No. Yeah. Those, those I go to. It's like putting a pill in bologna for a dog. Yeah. That lovely image. Thank you, Eli. Are you guys ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? I sure am.

Where were we? We were just starting the book of Daniel. Ooh. Any chance this one has a story? You know what? It actually does. Like a beginning and a middle and an end and everything. Ooh, lucky us.

So where does it start? Right. So you'll remember the timeline. Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, attacked Jerusalem in the third year of King Jehoiakim of Judah. And because God is mad at the Jews again, he wins. I mean, that checks out. Yep. So now that Nebuchadnezzar is in charge, He starts collecting boys. He sends the head of his eunuchs, Ashpenaz, to go and get four boys from Judah, Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.

And he tells him to feed them wine and meat for a year to fatten them up because that's how he likes his stolen boys, I guess. Ooh, you know, I just remembered this story. That is right.

Twunk Daniel. Sorry, what's a twunk? Oh, you're not ready for that. No, you know, I just remembered this story. That is right. Twunk Daniel. Sorry, what's a twunk? Oh, you're not ready for that. No, you're not. All right, all right, withdrawn. So are we sure about this? Yeah, no, it's right in the Bible.

Very explicit. No, no, I know it's in the Bible. I mean, are we sure it's in the best taste for us to portray Daniel as a twunk, whatever that is? Heathelton, Elizabeth, and Wright. First of all, Don's non-binary, so he can say the N-word. Oh, no, I cannot. No, he can't. And two, it is Pride Month. And if you think our LGBTQ listeners do not want to hear the tale of the Bible's biggest,

and I shall say it, foremost twunk, it is you who are silencing them am i is it me definitely you're definitely silencing no a little hop on this i i don't really have a read on this i'm pretty sure if it's in poor taste they'll blame eli though okay i'm not doing a voice though oh like he could i could do a gay voice if I wanted to. Oh, really, Heath? What does a gay voice sound like to you? Swoosh, swoosh, please. I'm so sorry for him, Don. It's okay.

I just expected better. I said swoosh. Noah, a little help? Swoosh? Yeah, right, right, right. Somebody swoosh? So Ashpenaz goes to see Daniel. Hey, sleepyhead. How we doing in here? Oh, hey So Ashpenaz goes to see Daniel. Hey, sleepyhead.

How we doing in here? Oh, hey, Ashpenaz. How's it going? Oh, my God. You're so funny. You're so funny. Oh, sorry. What?

What'd you say? I said, how's it going? Right. Stupid. Good. This is good. It's good. Actually, it's not, though.

It's not. I mean, look, totally no big big deal and i'm not mad at all not mad like like i don't even care a little bit but i noticed that you haven't eaten any of the meat and wine that the king sent and like i totally think that's awesome and like i actually think it's really brave of you, like super brave. But, and I hate to even bother you with this, but like, I guess if you don't eat it, the king might kill me. So like, any chance you get just a little nibble going, maybe? Just a little bit. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about that.

I decided I wanted water and vegetables instead oh my gosh i love how like safe you feel to communicate your needs to me that's like so important and and special to me but um why well i think if i eat vegetables while everyone else eats meat and wine, I'm going to look way better at the end of the week. So what do you say? Totally. Totes. Toto and Magoto.

Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Oh, thank you. That is so nice. See you, Ashpenaz. Yeah. Cool.

Cool. Hey, catch you around town, Buster Brown. Huh? Nothing. Stupid. Okay, everyone gather around. Ananiah, Ashile, and Azariah, as you know, Daniel and I have been trying a little vegetables and water thing

for the last 10 days together, and I think it's really helped us. We've been trying a little vegetables and water thing for the last 10 days together. And I think it's really helped us. So to keep you in tip-top shape for science tutoring, I was thinking maybe we'd all try vegetables and water together. Sorry, we're getting in prime physical shape for science tutoring? I mean, I very clearly spoke in air quotes when I said science tutoring, but that is what the Bible says, so yes.

Okay, but what about protein? How are we going to get protein? Something tells me you guys are going to be fine on protein. But sure enough, the young, hot, fit science tutors all ate vegetables and drank water and are presented to King Nebuchadnezzar. Wow, Ashpenaz, I got to tell you, these young boys you brought me,

they are looking good. They are? Yep, and I love how much science they know. They know more science from eating vegetables? Yep, they just know They know more science from eating vegetables? Yup. They just know a ton of science. They're real, real scientific knowledge going on here, I can tell. Weird they kept this in the Bible.

Right? So obvious. So then, in the second year of his reign, Nebuchadnezzar has a bad dream. Magicians, astrologers, sorcerers, and Chaldeans, come before me. I'm sorry, sire, why are the Chaldeans here? Oh, they're an ancient people famous for their abilities at astrology. But no, I know, because I'm ancient people, but like, you already called the astrologers. I mean, not all Chaldeans are astrologers.

That'd be like saying astrologers and girls with an undercut. It doesn't make... Nope. Yeah, no, I hear it. That's fair. Chaldeans, Chaldeans, you are free to go

unless you're astrologers. That's on me. I don't care. I'll just wait here. All right, great. Okay, so the rest of you, I had a bad dream last night, and I'd like you to interpret it.

Oh, sorry. Yes, magician. I mostly do, like, parties and bar mitzvahs. Maybe a little corporate gig here and there. Yeah, I just do kids' shows. Okay, fine. Sorry. Anyone who does not do dream interpretation is free to leave. That's on me. I'm just going to get an Upwork

post or something next time, everybody. I'm sorry. Now, everyone here can interpret dreams, right? Great. I want you to tell me what my dream means, or I'm going to kill you and turn your houses into dunghills.

You did not say that at the outset. Those are the rules. Those are the rules. Okay, fine. Tell us your dream. Actually, you know what? I want you guys to tell me my dream

and then you tell me what it means. Oh, come on. It really feels like you just wanted to murder us, obviously. Okay, you know what? You know what? Just for this, because this has been such an unpleasant experience, I'm going to have every wise man in the country killed. That's the thing now.

Okay, okay. Sorry. You're going to kill everyone wise. How would you test for that? Exactly. I'm having all the wise men killed because you guys couldn't guess my dream. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Daniel stuff. Daniel stuff is my favorite stuff.

Hey, Daniel. Hey, Ariok, what's up? Oh, yeah, I mean, oh, it's bad news. Nebuchadnezzar wants me to kill all the wise people in the kingdom. And you guys know all the science stuff, so... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why? Also, how would he even test for that?

Would you test it? That's exactly what I asked. I don't know. I guess the magicians couldn't tell him what he dreamed? Uh, the card trick guys? I know, I know. Call them all in. But until someone can tell Nebuchadnezzar what he dreamt last night, my hands are tied.

Oh, I can tell you what he dreamed. You can? Oh, yeah. He talks in his sleep. I mean, um, God told me. Oh, all right. Well, let's go. Now, before's go.

Before we go, does my ass look good in this? Yes. Okay, then we can go. Your Highness, Daniel is here to see you. Oh, nice. Wait, before you let him in, does my ass look good in this? Yes. Okay, cool.

Send him in. Send him in. Your Highness, who I totally just teach science to. Yes, Daniel, who I just learned science from. How's it going? Oh, I mean, not amazing.

Ariok said you told him to kill me. Boo. Oh, yeah. No, um, here's the thing about that. It. Boo. Oh, yeah. No, um, here's the thing about that. It's just... Well, okay. It's just this thing. Well,

the good news is I was dreaming about you last night. Daniel, there are people here. No, no, no. I was dreaming. And in my dream, there was this big, burly, golden head and a giant brass body.

Give me an image. Okay, Sun Daddy, Jack Black. We stand, continue. Anyway, sandals, stone, iron, the whole deal. Love a summer queen. So, I'm hundo ready to kiki, and that's when God is like, mm-mm, that's boo Nebuchadnezzar. Ha ha ha, in sandals? She's a hypothetical.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, this is tea. The head was you. As usual. But the body and feet were other kingdoms you're gonna rule. Daniel, say less. I'm Jewish. All right, you heard him, Ariok.

Don't kill any more wise people. You got it, your highness. Dude, Daniel, what did you guys just say? Oh, it's a science thing. Don't worry about it. Science thing. Got it. So now that Nebuchadnezzar is Jewish,

he builds himself a 30-meter high, 3-meter wide statue made of gold and invites everyone to come see it. Okay. Okay. You two stay sober, okay? Oh my God, you're so bad. Ariok, you made it.

Yeah. I mean, you're the king and you commanded everybody to be here, so. Still, it means a ton, even though you didn't bring a gift. So did you see the giant gold statue? I'm totally Jewish now. I don't know if you knew. But I thought the Jews didn't do golden idols.

Barbara Streisand, anyone? No, you know what? That's fair. Right. So is everyone bowing? Is everyone loving this? Or should No, you know what? That's fair. Right. So is everyone bowing? Is everyone loving this? Or should we, you know, maybe kill them?

Well, that's the thing, sir. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are refusing to bow to your statue. Oh, those bitches. Tell you what. Bring them before me and I'm going to have them thrown in the furnace, okay?

Say less, Your Highness. Aria? Yes, your highness. Eriok? Yes, your highness. Did Daniel teach you the say less thing? Yes, your highness. I wouldn't. Yeah, no, I heard it as it came out of my mouth. Okay, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, you've had your moment.

So are you going to bow to my big golden statue, which I thrifted, by the way, or am I going to throw you into the furnace? First of all, totally did not thrift that. Second, we're Jews, and we only worship God. Aren't you Jewish too, sire? Thrifted, Ariach. No, it wasn't thrifted.

Yes, it was. Okay, fine. Guards, guards, throw them in the fire. Okay, Ariok, what's happening? They're not burning. Yeah, sir. It seems like they're just kind of walking around in there. Yeah, and that one looks like Jesus.

Sorry, what? Why is Jesus in the furnace? Yeah, no, that's actually probably a mistranslation of sons of God. Okay, so you know how angels are big fiery wheels? I am aware of this, yes. Yeah, so sons of God probably turned into son of God, and then that got turned into Jesus. So does the Bible say Jesus is in there?

Yeah, some do. Most of the mainstream ones stick with son of God. But when they depict it in pictures and stuff, they totally show Jesus. Like he's in the furnace with the three dudes. So Noah, what you're saying is there's biblical evidence to portray Jesus as flaming? We're not doing sassy gay Jesus.

It's not happening. I don't know, Heath. People are really liking this version of Daniel. I'm hearing a lot of buzz about it. Also, somebody tell me what a twunk is. I feel like I need to know, Heath. People are really liking this version of Daniel. I'm hearing a lot of buzz about it. Also, somebody tell me what a twunk is. I feel like I need to know that now. No. Okay, okay, that's enough.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, come out of here. Yes, Your Highness. Okay, look. Totally unburned. Don't even smell like smoke. Okay, everybody, everybody listen up. As you know, I'm a very devout Jew, and so are my close personal friends,

Shamlach, Mezrashvuch, and Babaduch. You just had us thrown in the fire. And so, from this day forth, nobody make fun of their God, who I should point out is also my God, because I am also Jewish, like them. And also, I guess you

guys are mayors or something now I don't want to be mayor Pete Buttigieg is a mayor okay I'll be a mayor all right well we're not going to keep Heath away from Google much longer than this so we're going to have to wrap up there but there will be more Daniel

to come on the next installment of Bible Peace Theorem. Before we retreat into the shadows tonight, I want to remind you that you have clothes in the dryer. No hurry on those. I just didn't want you to forget. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of A Sister Show with the Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of A Sister Show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half-Sister Show Citation Data debut at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't take my bows until I thank Heath Enright for being the spark, Eli Bosnick for being the tinder, and Lucinda Illusions for being the flame.

I have no idea what I meant by that, but it sounds really good, right? And Eli gets to be the tinder. I bet he likes that. So I'm rolling with it. I'm rolling with it, damn it. I need to thank Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for helping out with Bible Peace Theater. Once again, I also want to thank Andrew for providing this week's Farnsworth quote

and for providing a kidney. Jesus, good on you, dude. And Andrew wanted me to let you know that if you want to learn more about donating a kidney, you can go to nkr.org to go check out the National Kidney Registry. It's about as high an act of humanism as you can undertake, I do believe. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most delightful diploids, Adrian, John, David, Callan, Sam, and Gray. Adrian, John, and David, whose cocks are the ones roosters have been a doodle doing about this whole time. And Callan, Sam, and Gray, who are so hot their joints light themselves. Together,

these six sexy secularists secured second helpings of sacrilege this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side

of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not with money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content

info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com. Don, are you a twunk? Yes. Nice. Okay, I got it. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.