The Scathing Atheist - 551: Jammie Jams Edition

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

In this week’s episode, Marsh will pop in and out of the pre-recorded headlines like a whack-a-mole, you’ll learn what we sound like in our pajamas, and Eli will try to upstage a baby. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Guest Links: Check out Simon’s book “The Sky is Blue” here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BSDDB6DC

Warning, the following podcast may be unsuitable for prudish motherfuckers. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HelloFresh and by the new device for Christian parents who don't want their kids to learn things that contradict their faith online, the iPad. But I as in E-Y-E and it's just a pad that goes over their eyes, because literally all true things contradict their faith. And now, the scathing atheist i am an artificial voice created by simon hosking author of the sky is blue a futuristic

queer cautionary tale of the power of unchecked technology and i can tell you we did evolve from filthy monkey people well i, I didn't. But you did. It's Thursday. It's September 7th. And it's Animal Pain Awareness Month. Were there people unaware of that? Oh, Mutsworth, apparently. I'm Noah Lusens. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from J. Robert Oppenheimer's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, animals feel pain, everybody. Apparently that needs to be said. Heath remains inconsolably high after the infused restaurant from seven days ago. You'll get to hear what we look like in our pajamas.

But first, the Diatribe. So I just got home from a company retreat in exotic tropical Newark. It's an annual thing that we've been doing for four years now. When we first conceived it, of course, the plan was to do it in new locations every year, but then Eli had a kid and we were like, all right, let's just do this thing in Eli's backyard until the kid is old enough to travel easily, right? So that's what we've done.

But despite the overwhelming New Jersey-ness of the whole thing, it was a blast again this year. We ate good food, played good games, had great conversations, and it all culminated with a big three-hour live stream for the patrons that make it possible. But the highlight of the week, at least for me, was the fact that we finally got a chance to actually meet Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. I mean, obviously, we've met him before in a sense, right? He's been appearing regularly on the Bible Peace Theater segments for years now. And we hang out for a while before and after those records to chat and shit.

But it's like, you know, 15 minutes here, 10 minutes there. We need to get on to a different record, et cetera, et cetera. It's never for very long. And it's also, it's never in person, right? Don was going to come by my place when he was nearby, but there was a death in the family that scuttled that plan. So this was the first time that I ever actually had a chance to shake the man's hand or give him a hug. And he had a fucking blast too, right? He made that abundantly clear. He was a fan of the show before he started doing voice work for us and getting adopted into the Piat family was clearly

a big deal for him. The week always has this feel of a family reunion and Don has a strained relationship with a lot of his extended family. so that's a feeling he apparently doesn't have a chance to enjoy all that often so I think it ended up being an even bigger deal for him than we'd expected even made this little family tree that had all of us slotted in as adopted siblings or cousins which admittedly was it was a little weird right especially when you backed out of the Don-centric construction and realized that like Eli's mom is now my cousin or something. But it was flattering as all hell. And it really made me confront a big chunk of my privilege that I often ignore.

And that's the thing. Look, I'm one of the very fortunate people who has a really awesome biological family that accepts me how I am and always more or less welcomes me, right? I have the profound luxury of finding family reunions boring. I get to find Thanksgiving's taxing. I get to be overwhelmed at Christmas. It's the kind of background blessing that you don't notice

until you contemplate its absence. But of course, when you spend a lot of time in the atheist movement, you wind up with plenty of reasons to contemplate that absence, right? I literally could not count how many people in my life have been denied that luxury, that exigency, because they rejected the family god or loved the wrong person or expressed the wrong gender. And look, it's a hard thing to cut a family member out of your life, right? I got family members that are full-on MAGA fuckers. And yes, I generally avoid them like the plague. And that's only partly because their unvaccinated asses might very well have the plague,

but they're still my family. I'm still polite to them when I see them at reunions and weddings and funerals. I'd still invite them to those things. I'd still take their call at three in the morning and help them out of whatever emergency they're in to whatever degree I could because they're still my fucking family, right? And I can see how they got roped into all this conservative bullshit. And I know I'm well enough to see the kernel of goodness in them. And I can't morally justify

leaving them helpless when I could help them. But then again, I don't have religion there to do any of the justification. Because when it comes to cutting family ties, you could not find a sharper blade than faith. Faith overrides your natural inborn evolutionary bond by offloading the guilt from your shoulders and placing it on God's. Religions try to take a lot of things that don't belong to them, right? Ethics, love, forgiveness, mercy, charity, but family, that's the one that pisses me off the most, right? Because that's the one thing that they can actually take away from people, and they do.

They say, those are some lovely familial connections you have, there'd be a shame if something were to happen to them, right? They reduce one of the most fundamental of our psychological needs into leverage in their bid for obedience. And whenever your family's mammalian instinct to let you out of that cage is roused, the fear of hell is there to burn their hand the second they touch it. So for whatever it's worth, for all of you who are listening along that are estranged from your family, we're happy that we can offer you whatever para-family you find here. I know it's not

the same thing, and I know we can't invite you to the reunions and shit, but we're happy to have you here. And if you ask nicely, Don might even add you to his weird little family tree thing. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight

is still nobody. We're all still recovering from Pajama Party week, and two-thirds of us were traveling yesterday, so we didn't have time to put together new headlines this week. But luckily, we'd anticipated this issue and still have more stocked up, never before heard headlines from the past. But first, a word from this week's sponsor, HelloFresh. And then what do you think Don would say after that? Probably something cool about being a DJ. Yeah, he would. He would. Hey, guys.

What are you doing? Keith learning to eat again without Don. Yeah. After a week of having Don around, normal meals just feel kind of, you know, blah. Well, if your dinner is feeling blah, why don't you try HelloFresh? Oh, what's HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get farm-fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes

delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on HelloFresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit. I don't know, Noah. Don't those meal boxes get kind of samey? You know who doesn't get samey? Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. And adventure, we know.

When it comes to options, honestly, more is more. That's why HelloFresh's menu includes 40 recipes and over 100 add-on items to choose from every week. Wow, that's a lot of choice. And HelloFresh is more than just dinners. You can also stock your fridge with easy breakfasts, quick lunches, and fresh snacks. Just shop HelloFresh Market

and add any of these tasty, time-saving solutions to your weekly box. It's true. HelloFresh sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor. And I love that not only did they have meals that fit my dietary needs, the bags unpack in seconds. All right, you know what? I'm in.

Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com slash 50scathing and use code 50scathing for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months. So you're saying I go to hellofresh.com slash 50scathing and use the code 50scathing for 50% off plus 15% off the next two months? That is right. So can I still sleep on a pillow of Don's hair? But Don's bald. It's

not that hair. Not that hair. I got it. So I can. And now, back to headlines from the past already in progress. And in putting the app into kidnap news, if I was to tell you about an organization

putting 9,000 kids on buses and sending them to an indoctrination camp without even telling their parents they were doing that, you might assume I'm talking about a deleted scene of Heath Ledger's Joker or a plot by whoever the bad guy was in that Flash movie that nobody bothered going to see because nobody gives a fuck.

However, if I told you that the indoctrination camp was run by Christians, you'd be way less surprised that we aren't talking about a comic book villain, or at least not one from fiction. Okay, I thought maybe you were talking about human traffickers from Sound of Freedom 2, and you'd like heard about it or something.

But yeah, also works for totally normal Christian thing they might do. Yeah, also, Marsh, just unrelated, but the villain in the Flash was Ezra Miller. Ezra Miller was the villain. But still, this is exactly what happened in the Diocese of Coventry in the middle bit of the UK. Eli, that's the bit between London, where listeners wrongly assume that I live, and Manchester, where you wrongly think I live.

Then how come every time I see you, you're there? Checkmate. Okay, that's fair. Do you think of that? You ever see Liverpool and Marsh in the same room? No. So 9,000 school kids were pulled out of 76 schools in June to be secretly sent to the Alive Praise

Party, the APP, an American-style evangelical Christian event run by Imagine Ministries. Imagine Ministries are a registered charity set up by the pop act Shell Parish, and she performed at this indoctrination concert to children who were taken out of their schools in order to stand and watch her sing about how great her God is. Okay, small thing. A live praise party, it's such a clumsy job of forcing app as the acronym.

Because, like, the youths love a good app, right? We have an app. Raw! Okay, but now I'm picturing a praise band with a heavy Scouse accent, and I am here for it! Okay, okay, like, oh, go ahead, soft laddies, me fucking save your life. Exactly, yeah,

come on! What? That's Scouse, that's scouse. Okay. Anyway. Tamar's just family talk. So all of this might actually sound pretty odd to American listeners, but it's worth remembering that not only is this not illegal in the UK,

these kinds of events are actively encouraged as part of the daily act of, quote, broadly Christian worship that is mandated to take place in UK schools every day by law. And what about the Muslim schools? What about the Jewish schools? You might be wondering, well, don't worry, they can, by law, force kids to worship their gods instead of the Christian one, because we aren't culturally insensitive here in the UK, except to atheist or secular kids who can apparently

go fuck themselves by law. Yeah, well, at least those kids can also go fuck themselves by hand, like without fear of going to hell or whatever. Positive. What I'm hearing right now, Marsh, is that he and I need to start Britain's first atheist public school. And I will give you a heads up. Noah has already given us a firm no to that suggestion. We tried it already. Never listened to anything. So all of this was raised by Humanists UK,

who've been campaigning against the mandatory act of worship law for decades. And they're really worth checking out if you feel strongly about this. It's a great way to direct your annoyance and outrage to somewhere useful. And it's a much better thing to do than to go to the website of Imagine Ministries and notice that they've got a wall of wonder page, which says that they want people to email them a picture, photo, video, drawing, or story of their favorite Bible verse to the email address that you can find on that page.

And I'm glad that everyone will direct their energies in the positive, productive way towards Humus UK that I mentioned, because I know that listeners here on this show, they've actually read the Bible and they could probably think of a whole bunch of favorite biblical stories that they definitely shouldn't send Imagine Ministries pictures of. Yeah, so don't do that, right? Oh, you'll be making prank websites in no time, Marsh.

I've never been prouder. We're saying don't, though. And in unprincipled news, one of the hardest things to report on in this show is when the victims of religion's ignorance are the people who deserve it the least. Never is it more obvious

that cruelty is the point that fear and anger are much greater motivators than the Holy Spirit ever pretended to be than when religion's wrath falls on the most innocent among us. And we got another sad example

of that this week when an 11-year-old boy was kicked out of sixth grade at St. John-la-Land Catholic School in Blue Springs, Missouri, not for something he did, but because his mom pushed back on the school's dumbass censorship policies. Okay, so now that kid is definitely gonna burn

in the lake of fire for eternity in their heads. Like, mom's a heathen and no Catholic school now. It's so horrible. We grant their stupid lie about actually believing that stuff and they become more evil. They're lying about their entire worldview at best. That's the

best case scenario. So, first of all, big thanks to everyone who sent this story in. There were a lot of you and one lucky winner will be finishing off a Mancunian with us shortly. Anyway.

Check that word, Eli. You can kill a Mancunian, but promising that you'll be finishing off a Mancunian is a very different thing. Look, as long as Andy is at QED, I finish off a Mancunian and every QED.

Love that, man. Anyway. Boing. I have a soundboard too now. Anyway, in spite of the fact that Paul and Holly Muller are longtime contributors to the school, acting as volunteer coaches and serving on boards and in school positions, they had the audacity to object to Father Sean McCaffrey, who became the pastor of the school last year,

and thus received a letter from the school stating that they had, quote, stated both verbally and in writing, you do not agree with nor do you support the teachings of the Catholic Church. It continues, quote, after prayerful consideration and discussion among our school administration, it is obvious we no longer have a partnership with you, since the values of your family are not in alignment with those of our school administration, it is obvious we no longer have a partnership with you since the values of your family are not in alignment with those of our school.

Therefore, the school administration has made the decision to disenroll your child from our school, end quote. And that really sucks because as someone who went to a Catholic school, there are very few places more likely to turn you into an atheist. Like at this point,

that kid might actually stay Catholic now he's expelled. Exactly. Let's get him a Bible. Maybe become an atheist. And you might be wondering, podcast listener, which Catholic teachings the Mullers objected to. Was it the Eucharist, the Trinity, the Declaration of the Third Council of Nicaea? Nope. it was questioning that father sean pulled gay children's books from the library and banned the app duolingo from school devices because the app so stupid teaches the word gay well it just has it yeah it's one of the words in the app that is the words yeah i love that the existence of dictionaries is somehow flying under the gaydar for these idiots. But you add foreign language

and they're like, butt sex with two Italian men. You say Duolingo. That's my first thought. And now I don't want, this can't be in schools. Right. But they're right that Duolingo is anti-Catholic.

I mean, that owl very clearly considers transubstantiation to be purely a metaphorical thing rather than a literal thing. So I can see it just couldn't stay. It had to go. Now I'm picturing the owl like nailing the theses

to the church door. Also, did you guys see the Duolingo owl before the Parvey movie? He is serving. Anyways. Really? And of course,

as regular listeners already know, because this is a private and religious school, there is absolutely nothing the Mullers can do about this because religious schools don't have to follow laws. Even when those laws are no kicking kids out of school for their parents not being Catholic enough.

And the worst bit is, given that they're not Catholic enough, his parents won't even feel the crushing weight of undeserved but inescapable guilt about this whole thing. It's a tragedy. Oh man, I just got like a smell deja vu from my old hometown. That's so weird.

So many Catholic people everywhere. Yeah. But of course, there is a silver lining to this story, podcast listener. I'm talking about you. Specifically, your prayers. I know what you're thinking, Eli, this is an atheist podcast, and I know it is, but I'm willing to make an exception because you see St. John the Land Catholic School in Blue Springs, Missouri has a prayer request page on their website. And I know some of our fine, fine listeners could contribute some beautiful spiritual teaching

to their walk right now, legally speaking. So yeah, maybe, you know, send them a prayer request. But please remember to be extra Catholic about it when you do. All right, extra Catholic.

So don't any of you add that doxology for thine is the kingdom bullshit at the end of your prayer request. And also don't wear a condom. It stops the Jesus getting in. Exactly. Yeah.

The kingdom come. Ah. It's perfect. And in all of the above news, I am unimprisoned and able to walk freely and legally about the world, and that's because I wasn't on Malaysia Air's flight MH122 from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur on Monday when an unidentified 45-year-old Muslim delayed the plane for more than three hours by threatening passengers and staff while screaming, quote, my name is Muhammad, slave of Allah. Are you a slave of Allah?

Are you? Say it. Say it. Are you a slave of Allah? End quote. Other Muslims on the flight are like, Hey, dude, Ixnay on the Aveslay talk.

Our guy actually had those. Keep it cool. So, yeah. So, quick thanks to Brian for alerting us to this story through scathingnews at gmail.com, both because I want to talk about it on the show and because I want to remember it every time I start thinking that maybe I'm on the worst flight of all time. So apparently this flight took off as scheduled from Sydney at 1.06 p.m. And then it had to turn back when this asshole started screaming about Muslim Jesus.

about muslim jesus that the plane landed back and it's a point of departure at 3 47 p.m and then waited on the tarmac for three fucking hours while this guy screamed about allah for emergency responders to come get the bastard oh look i don't care if you started out that flight as an imam you left that flight as an islamopbe. Lots of problematic thoughts on that airplane. Real damage done to the cause. That's not really that many virgins if you think about it for an eternity. It's not really. So no, I'm going to go out on a limb

and say that if this was a guy named Dave who was yelling about being a slave to Christ, it wouldn't have taken three hours for the Australian Federal Police to mount a response. That's just my guess. But either way, I'd be kind of rooting for enhanced interrogation as they dragged him off the plane regardless. Apparently, he told passengers on his way out that he was testing the faith of the other Muslims on board, though he wasn't clear about anybody's grades. So I guess they get those at the end of the semester or something.

I guess they get those at the end of the semester or something. Sure, yeah. Either way, I owe the couple that sat behind me and Lucinda on our flight back from Denver an apology, apparently, and a formal correction. Turns out you are the second worst. I'd like to hear whether or not this gentleman requires proof of lightning before I make a judgment. Top five.

Top five. He's up there. Yeah. And in Entitled 9 news, one of the problems with giving religious institutions exemptions to laws is that laws, by and large,

are good things. Sure, not all laws and not all the time, but for the most part, laws are supposed to be what happens when we ask our smartest, wordiest nerds to just write down the stuff

we all generally agree is a good idea. And because of this, when religious institutions start asking for exception to other laws, there's not a great reason to say no, which is why the Biden administration had to confirm to Baylor Christian College this week that they are exempt from the U.S. Department of Education's Title IX policies banning anti-LGBTQ plus discrimination and sexual harassment. Right.

Yes, because how could it really be Christian if there are no slurs in it? I'm telling you, it's going to need its own warehouse. Yeah, it's sort of the perma answer. Now, I want to be clear. Baylor is by no means the first religious university to request an exemption from Title IX's anti-LGBTQ plus

discrimination policies. Hell, one could argue that the only meaningful thing religious education has in common in 2023 is exemption from those policies. They are, however, the first university to explicitly ask for exemption to sexual harassment policy. Like, in writing, from their lawyers, they requested that. And I cannot emphasize this enough, they were granted that exemption. Yeah. Yeah, but P.S., we'd also like to be able to smack puppies. Too much? That was too much. I heard it. I heard it. Just the sexual harassment and discrimination. Yeah. But this story actually gets more horrifying because Baylor wasn't just requesting permission to hypothetically sexually harass their students. response to four official OCR student complaints from former LGBTQ students who were both

discriminated against and sexually harassed while attending Baylor. And their response to those complaints was, yeah, well, we don't want to have to follow sexual harassment laws. And again, I just can't say it enough. The government of the United States in 2023 with computers and cell phones and everything said yes to that request. Yeah. So to be clear here, their argument literally was, look, the law says we have to follow up on harassment against gay students, but that would force us to side with gay students and we don't want to do that that was literally what they asked for and were granted yes exactly now in baylor's defense they put out

a claim saying that sexual harassment is against their school's code of ethics and that the sexual harassment policy they were like objecting to was the government definition, which is about protecting gay people, which is just absolutely not a defense. I don't know why I used the word defense for that. But it is the words that they said on purpose. So there you have it. That's their side of it. Right. But effectively, the fucking statement that they put out basically said, you must sexually harass somebody make sure they're

lgbtq right as policy so yeah next time uncle frank or some opinion page hot take reminds you that religious freedom is under assault uh maybe send them this story and remind them just what the religious want to use that freedom for yeah next up in headlines in armageddon better all the time news we have a delightful story about a christian nationalist pastor having a really bad day mega church pastor greg lorry of harvest christian fellowship in california just now realized in 2023 that the bible never mentions the United States of America by name.

Well, shit. Even during that part about the end times in Revelation. And he is furious. So he came up with a bunch of

perfectly reasonable explanations about why the God of the Universe didn't have a prominent mention for the greatest Christian nation in all of American history in any of the books and then

he gave a sermon about it last week and it was so very silly the germ theory of disease the scientific method the fact that slavery is bad of all the shit the bible conspicuously fails to mention the thing he feels like he needs an answer for is America the Beautiful. How come there was no USA, USA chant in Revelation? First, sir, spacious skies. Fuck that. Whose waves of grain are we supposed to be?

Yeah, exactly. Enjoy. So, big thanks to Debra for the links. Scathingnews at gmail.com Well, great, Heath. Debra taught me karate so now you fucked up my system. Okay. Sorry about your system. I also got a separate alert about this very important topic

because it happens to be an article from the crack journalism team at the Christian Post. So here's what Pastor Greylow had to say. His sermon was called Antichrist, America and Armageddon. And it's all about the Battle of Armageddon in the Book of Revelation. He mentions that the Bible says the two superpowers in the battle are the kings in the east and the forces of the Antichrist. And then he says, quote, where is the United States of America in all of this? It's a glaring omission.

in all of this. It's a glaring omission. I was thinking about the upcoming global battle between a seven-headed, ten-horned water dragon's army of scorpion horse locusts and the angelic forces of the creator God, and I noticed a small detail that didn't strike me as logical. I know, I know. Hear me out. Geopolitically. Yeah, that's what happened here. So from there, he explains a few valid excuses for God as to why the U.S. doesn't get mentioned by name. Theory number one, he says, maybe we're not mentioned because our country is decimated in a nuclear attack. And he didn't just make that up out of nowhere. According to Second Peter three, which he quotes here, the elements shall melt with fervent heat. The earth shall be burned up.

And after he mentions that verse, Pastor Greg says, quote, horrible. We think of these Maui wildfires and how quickly they spread. Topical, love it. The wildfires spreading quickly from Maui across America is something that's probably the second. Got it. He continuesfire is spreading quickly from Maui across America. Got it. He continues. Is second Peter a description of nuclear war?

It could be. Look at the mass devastation that happens in the book of Revelation. In many ways, it matches what is called a nuclear winter. In many ways. It has a scorpion horse. They both have heat. I guess that's, I read the whole fucking book.

That's the only similarity. Okay. Okay. Okay. But guys, guys, how fucking funny would it be for no American Christian

to get to participate in the rapture? That would be, that would be like us dying before Ray Comfort does. There are whole industries, guys. All right. So that was theory number one. Here's theory number two.

He thinks maybe we simply decline as a world power, you know, just like Rome. And in this version, we're going to topple our own empire with atheism, of course. According to Lurie, quote, as our country becomes more and more secular, systematically eliminating God and the Bible from our education system, courts, and the arts, from the arts? Really? Okay.

We'll begin to reap the inevitable results of sin. We will begin to rot from the inside, end quote. We're going to rot from atheism, just like the Holy Roman empire just like the holy roman empire wait but so he's saying that the atheists win that america won't have to be involved with the great tribulation whose whose side are you on man very confusing also if we fall, what does he think will be here instead of America? Just Will Smith's son fighting some monkeys with the power of anger management? Like, what does he need?

Make the movie, guys. Make the movie. And finally, we have theory number three. And of course, that would be the plot of every apocalypse movie we've ever done. So, like, Kirk Cameron rallies all the good Christian people into a spiritual awakening and millions of Americans repent. And then we completely disappear when the rapture hits. So America's not even there anymore. Oh, we might all get raptured.

Yeah, 100 percent. Every single one. Yeah. And then, of course, like Noah was talking about before, the Antichrist shows up in like New York Harbor with his kaiju. And they're like, fuck, nobody's here. Except for a few Jews. Gross. So they like leave and go focus on the Battle of China or whatever.

And there's no reason to mention America in the book. Or China. That's theory three. Okay. But I feel like if God knows he has a country that's going to bat a fucking thousand and he doesn't mention it. That's just bitchy, right? It's about positive reinforcement as well, God. No, that's fair. Also, yeah, Noah, they don't mention China in the book either.

It's a very good point. And just for the record, the book of Revelation specifically does mention Libya and Ethiopia and Persia. So there you go. Some good helpful information about future hegemonic empires of the world. Those are mentioned. Yep.

And in get your ass to Texas news, they say everything is bigger in Texas. And that certainly includes danger to doctors who provide abortions, a crime that now carries a possible life sentence in prison, which makes it all the more curious that the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology, or as we call them for the rest of the program, ABOG, chose to hold their certifying exams

in Dallas, Texas this year. What a coincidence. But again, this is why I've always been against their policy of choosing the whole state by just throwing darts at a map of the US because the biggest states are always the ones that are the shittiest. You know, what they need is like Hawkeye so they could hit Massachusetts or Vermont or somewhere liberal.

Yeah, it's one acre, one vote. That's American democracy right there. That is how the system works. So first of all, big thanks to Jacqueline for sending us this story. Bring a big heavy stick with you to QED. For finishing off my QD. Yes, exactly. But for those of you unfamiliar, certifying exams are basically reviews to make sure doctors are doctoring correctly. And while they're technically voluntary, most hospitals require them for things like admitting

privileges and even more require them if you want to be able to do surgery there. So what ABOG is asking is for doctors who perform abortions in, say, New York, is to go down to Texas with a literal pile of the documented abortions they've done for a review. Don't do that. Yeah.

And also the ABOG are going to be holding those reviews under like a really big cardboard box propped up by a stick on a string, you know, for no reason. Don't worry about it.

No reason at all. Yeah. So you guys remember the scene in The Godfather when the guy wakes up and there's a bloody horse head severed right there in his bed,

freaks out. I have an idea. You guys talk now. You go. Eli, you go. Yeah. Now, ABOG, you go. Yeah. Now, ABOG, which is headquartered in Dallas, has told candidates that they should, quote, not be at legal risk because Texas's criminal and civil penalties only apply to abortions

performed inside the state. But that doesn't account for the danger the state still poses to doctors in pro-choice states who ship abortion medication to Texas patients via telehealth. Plus, that interpretation of the law relies on the good grace and respect for jurisprudence of Ken fucking Paxton, who, I'll remind you, mere weeks ago, joined attorneys general for a bunch of stupid states in promising to establish fucking fugitive fetus laws for anyone in their states who leaves to get abortion care. So, yeah, not comforting. Yeah. Texas lawmakers have lost their pinky swear privileges forever by this point. You can't take their word for anything,

at least not until cross my heart and hope to die becomes legally binding. Yeah. And look, there are workarounds for this thing, right? There are doctors that can delay their certifications. They can apply for remote exams like were offered in 2020 and 2021. But the point of these laws, along with the overturn of Roe versus Wade in general, is a chilling effect on abortion care for the whole country. And this story is a great example of that working exactly how misogynistic assholes want it to. Okay. Well, to fight back, maybe we can do some kind of like fetus offset program, you know, like carbon offset. Like for every abortion they prevent, we'll do an extra one somewhere else. Like we'll plant a tree, but you know, kill a baby. We're just trying to kill more babies. That's our whole thing. Exactly. So maybe we do that? Yeah. But now,

the good news is, once again, I do have a solution. Doctors, hear me out. Texas just accidentally invited some of the smartest people in the country to legally enter their state filled with lawmakers that want to imprison them for the rest of their lives

and end their livelihoods with only each other for alibis. I'm just saying, figure this out. Eli just had an idea. Marsh, you talk now while the beat finishes up. And in phase three prophet news, prophet of doom, Christian right hate pastor and self-proclaimed divine prophet, Robin Bullock is having a meltdown after realizing that despite his amazing prophecy abilities

about Donald Trump winning the 2020 election, Joe Biden remains in the White House. So either prophecy is fake or something else that goes in this part of the sentence that he doesn't know about. It was a rough day for Robin Bullock. Yeah. At this point, the government might as well have indicted Robin Bullock's God along with Trump this week. He's having a tough go of it. Yeah. So I guess he forgot about all these thoughts for a while, but then he got reminded again and he gave a big sermon last week called approximately, what the fuck?

Somebody is wrong about something and it can't be me because I'm a fucking prophet, so I don't know what's happening. It was during his weekly show called The 11th Hour. And the thing is, I know The 11th Hour

is meant to feel like it's the last possible moment because it's right before midnight or something, but it's not. The 11th Hour is 11 a.m. He's named his like, we need to act now. Sure. After the time you get a little snack to tide you over until lunchtime. We're talking the stakes of boozy brunch. Get it together, everybody. Get it together. So according to Robin Bullock, all the prophecies from him and other Christian prophets about Trump winning in 2020 were obviously correct

because they came from prophets and their prophecies. And here's the exact words from Bullock describing that thought process that he had. Exact quote. There's some things that we've given in a prophetic word that I've said that absolutely there's no way you could have made it up. They come to pass and it's all recorded. You just look at it and say, you can't make this stuff up.

Do you think that they would hit on everything like that and miss who won the election, folks? That's stupid. End quote. He almost got the point. This is such a stupid point. It's like he's trying to do the whole my girlfriend in Canada thing, but he's somehow trying to use his Canadian girlfriend as the reason why you should go out with him. Right. Yeah. I really wanted him to keep going down the spiral, though. He'd be like, and why would God just speak through often conflicting charismatics are you guys hearing this someone help me what it goes back into my ears it hurts my face yeah and uh as

we're thinking about this topic in general i think it's important to remember robin bullock looks like a heavy metal pirate that's just very important for you as you think this through. And he does not care how many people in his life are affected by it. He still will not be taking off that leather jacket ever, not ever. I like, okay. Cause this isn't the most important thing about this image of him that he has put in the notes, you know, because the most important thing is that he looks like Gimli having a midlife crisis. But on this image, it says that his name is Robin D. Bullock. Robin D. Bullock. I refuse to believe this isn't a joke name made up by a caller pranking a farm that specializes in bovine castration.

Yeah, it's got real Prairie Home Companion vibes. Are you Robin D. Bullock? Ah, he said Robin D. Bullock. He said it. So with all the bad news in this world, sometimes you need something to smile about. And Robin Bullock can be that person. He's terrible. He's terrible. He's currently teaming up with Roger Stone to continue the big lie. He looks very silly all the time, as we mentioned. And every so often he gets punched right in the fucking brain face with

the cognitive dissonance of being a prophet and also clearly being wrong about something. And then he gets trapped in a big software malfunction loop like an evil computer trying to figure out the strategy of nuclear Armageddon. And he starts spinning and steaming and explodes. And it's very fun for us all to watch, I think. Yeah, it sure is. And on that note, we're going to close the headlines out for the night. Pre-recorded Heath, pre-recorded Eli. Thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come, we're going to close the headlines out for the night. Pre-recorded Heath, pre-recorded Eli.

Thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll give you a peek at what the non-patrons missed out on last weekend. One of the nice things about working from home

is that you don't have to put up with your co-workers anywhere near as often as you do at the office. And that's great, unless, of course, your co-workers are also your best friends, in which case it kind of sucks. And that's why Heath, Eli, and I started an annual company retreat a few years back. And since it's the patrons that really make that possible, the whole thing culminates in the big patron-only live stream that includes music, games, and plenty of Q&A. Of course, every listener contributes to our success, so we thought we'd share some of our favorite moments from this year's Pajama Party live stream with you tonight.

Well, hello. Merriment, but merriment you would have approved of. You know, we play a lot of board games here at Pajama Party Week, and you can see a collection of them behind us as we play. We We sort of organized some of our favorites there to be prominent. Maybe there's some ones you heard of, some ones you haven't heard of. But one of the games that I would say reigns supreme during our time together, certainly when we're entertaining you, is a little game called Beak That. The game, the bonkers game, Battle of Wacky wacky challenges and we did a little of this last year

and you all loved it how did you love it so this year i decided to have a psychotic break while i was losing this part of the show and talk like this forever maybe i never dropped this character because he is the real me where Where is he? What is happening? I'm tired. What the fuck is... We had to turn off the air conditioning. No, we didn't. But we don't.

I'm dying. Let's just fire that back up. Let's fire that issue back up. Hello. Whoever's back there. Good morning. We're back. I also wish that.

All right, so this one, I'm genuinely curious, and I don't know who asked this one. This may have been one that Tim just snuck in on his own. Do you listen to the episodes that you aren't on or the other podcast appearances of your co-hosts? Heath. Okay.

I'm going to be forthcoming with my answer. I'm such an asshole. I have this thing in my head that it's like I'm like a jilted ex-lover in those moments so like let's say you two and Thomas Smith for example are on gam I listen to the shit I listen to the shit and I'm like oh they seem to really enjoy Thomas' jokes like a lot a lot they make like really fun fucking noises right after you talk a lot. That's cool. That's cool. Who was she? I also listen when I'm not on, and a lot of the time it's the only time I can listen because I can't stand me.

And I don't mean in the like, because people are always like, oh, I can't. I don't like the sound of my recorded voice. I don't like me. Like, I hear me and I'm like oh yeah he's the worst um so yeah I like it the other thing you have to remember and I think I've said this before I love I was a fan of scathing atheist before I was on the show and I still listen to the diatribe every Thursday morning while I make coffee so like I do not allow Noah to spoil the diet if he starts Noah to spoil the diatribe.

If he starts to talk about the diatribe, I'll be like, okay, that's good. The general subject is fine. So I listen to it every morning. So when I'm not on scathing, I get a whole episode to enjoy again. So yeah, it's lovely. So I'm the only asshole who's going to admit I don't want to.

I do, I do. But first of all, I'm obsessive about it because I'm like, oh, well, the only asshole who's gonna admit I don't want you know I do I do but first of all I'm obsessive about it because I'm like oh well that could have been edited a little smoother at that part there I've got a trick that we don't just completely fuck for those reasons as well I make sure that no races have been ranked or anything like that but the thing that happens to me is it's the same as is with Heath but going in the other direction. As soon as I listen,

like when I was off the last couple weeks, you guys did Scathing Without Me, and Marsh came on, and Anna came on, and everything. I was like, wow, they really don't need me at all,

do they? This is really fucking good. Damn. So it's like, it's kind of hard for me to listen to it because I see how, like I hear how good you guys do it. I'm just like,

wow, I really just also am there. We should all agree when we do vacation to do one really terrible episode to make the others or maybe like laugh as much as I do that was the Alaya tribe at least half tell me how big Thomas's jokes are tell me when it's it's are you serious we go start from the back of my throat because I know I don't measure it big Thomas's jokes are tell me when it's are you serious other places yeah are you problematizing to people who buy a Bible based moving is from Greg right But I love these game mechanics. But I love me to roll some dice. Moving.

This is from Greg. Greg would like Mickey Mouse's latest voicemail to Ron DeSantis. Ha ha. Ha ha. Oh, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. You're in some trouble now, aren't you, bud? Ha ha. Ha ha. Well, that, Ronnie. You're in some trouble now, aren't you, bud? Well, that's okay.

Minnie and Goofy and Donald and I, we set aside a little part of the swamp after you fail so you can just lie down and become part of the compost and be forgotten. Isn't that great? Good luck. All right. This one's from me. I'm not even going to This one's from me.

I'm not even going to pretend it's from the listeners this time. You know, you can't rest on a good idea. All right. Well, I feel like everybody who's watching the live stream is really excited that they were here the moment the concept of Carl the Pug-a-Pega Corn the Rock Opera was born. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, I feel like that makes me feel like... Pug-a-Pega Corn with a K? No. Absolutely. I mean, I feel like that makes you want to turn... Hug a peg of corn with a K. So, thank you.

So, this is a three-parter. How hard is it writing lines for your wife, like when she's on Bible Peace Theater or something? Are there jokes you thought about making but thought better of? Are there jokes that Anna vetoed so it's funny um that while that is very fitting of like the character that I play on air the opposite is almost always true we'll be working on something that man is gonna be on and should be like and then I'm like what if I farted out of shit my my own fuck ball? And I'm like, yikes, man.

20 people in the episode and she's just like, oh, okay. Or like, we'll be working on song lyrics and she'll be like, and that's when I'm fucking girl. Okay, I'll give you an example. Joshua is not a bullfrog. Jeremiah is not a bullfrog. is not a bullfrog. Jeremiah is not a bullfrog. Was a conflict with our family unit. Because I was like, oh, Jeremiah's

next. And she was like, I got it. It's gonna be about how Jeremiah's not a bullfrog. And I was like, okay. It actually needs to be about the book of the Bible that we've done. We're sort of working people through the Bible. And she was like, no, it doesn't. No. It needs to be about how Jeremiah is, in fact fact not a bullfrog

And we went back and forth on that for a couple of days and it is about how Jeremiah is not Cuz he's not Notoriously does not he does not that's true And she gets me going for I would be like okay, so we're not gonna do the bullfrog thing She's like yeah, let me Let me run these lyrics by you. He's not a bullfrog. I see what's happened. We've gone there.

We have a question from Sean. Have you ever vetoed a God Awful music song because you just liked the song too much to make fun of it? No, because I do actually like a few of the songs that I've already done. And I like, I mean, parody is not supposed to ruin the song. Like, it's not supposed to even be making fun of the artist unless, you know, the artist sucks. But, like, think of what Weird Al does and how that honestly makes the songs better when you listen to them. Right, right. He certainly doesn't hate all the songs I didn't carry Underwood is an amazing

country singer I fucking love that song and yet it's also a terrible song so you know needs better lyrics and I enjoy hearing it now more because now I have sure there's a half that way when I was I saw that question I got to thinking about it because sometimes the lyrics to these Christian songs are so bad that I can't even see what's good about it musically like I get so upset about the lyrics that I miss out on like I'm into beavers. What else? What did this song the song was I'm into Jesus and I hated it I hate it so much and then you did that and then I find myself singing it constantly

Yeah, you're a good song. Yeah, it's a good melody. It's just shitty lyrics. Yeah We also have a question from Merkin. For Lucinda. If you were on the Supreme Court Oh, I like that idea. Which fellow justice would get the varmint hammer first?

Oh yeah, you wouldn't have a gavel. You'd just have a fucking varmint hammer. At this point everyone who voted to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Yeah. But starting with the only woman, which is Amy Coney Barrett. Rot in her face. Are we doing Jeopardy rules?

The board is yours. Oh, yeah, I guess so. All right. We'll go with the asshole's got to be in there somewhere. Gifts from Gary for 10. Gifts from Gary for ten gifts from Gary for ten I just love the idea that all the listeners that haven't watched any minus my ass and friends and enemies for 30p Carl and friends and enemies for 30 you encounter two mimics in Arakak who are attempting to go

vegetarian but you ended up fighting them mm-hmm what shape deal that take during the fight dildos I think the buzzer dildos I'd like to buzz in yes I will incorrect what is dildos incorrect I wasn't It wasn't Dildos? It was not. It was Dicks. It was Dicks. It was Dicks. Actual Dicks. It was actual penis. That's right. Pinay. Shit. This is such a good, Kelly, this is such a good advertisement for the patrons that don't already know. Like really, they were Dicks? Oh, okay. Dildos was too tame an answer, huh?

Noah, you've regained control of the board. And I will slowly, slowly work this and tell you the story of the one time I almost went to jail for having a very large amount of pot in my car. But I'm a very privileged person who looks like every cop, so I got pulled over and they were like, this guy seems fine, but the whole

car smells like weed. I was on the way back from a spring break trip when I was in college. Stupid. I had a bunch, I had a bong that I bought in Florida. It was gross. I went to Daytona, Florida. It was the worst thing. Don't, don't do that. Don't go to, don't go to Florida. Just don't go to Florida at all. It's probably the move. Absolutely horrible, horrible state. I made it on the drive back less than a mile from my house. And I got pulled over because about a mile from my house. I was like, I'll be fine. I'll smoke a joint.

I'm almost home. What could possibly go wrong in the final mile of my trip? possibly go wrong in the final mile of my trip? Well, you could get pulled over by a New Jersey police officer who immediately calls for backup even though I look like a cop. What could I possibly be doing wrong? Call for backup, maybe get out of the car, maybe do the like the stand on one foot thing and the count to 30 thing silently and tell me when 30 seconds is up and I was like okay I smoke pot all day every day for the last four years of my life I'm gonna be able to do this just fine and

apparently I passed the test he's like all right fuck get out of here and nothing happened to me I had go to jail amounts of illegal stuff in my car at the time. Didn't go to jail. So, here I am. I made it. Instead of jail, podcasting. And joint rolling tutorials. Hi. We're back.

And now we own a baby. If you haven't been enjoying yourselves, that means now, you hate a baby. We don't make the rules. This is Remy. Remy Smith. He's been here all weekend. Cindy got a chance to hang out with him.

Anna got a chance to hang out with him. He has been vaguely afraid of my beard. I get it. But more importantly than anything, the air conditioning is back on. So if it sounds a little worse, just know it's so that we don't literally fucking die which brings me to our next game try not to die I'm so sweaty he's very sweaty you can smell him from here so this is a new game we actually introduced this pajama party week this was a gift to me from none other than Todd can we

get him like a steak knife to play with yeah this was a gift to me from Tom Cecil it's called hive mind I highly recommend it's great for all ages he's still staying home I can say anything I want to if I have any personal truths I want to get out there, now is the time to do it. He's going to keep interrupting Eli, and it's going to turn into a fight. It's going to be the best, yeah. How did you guys like the pajama party?

Eli yelled at a baby. I forgot that Eli will compete for attention with a literal baby. I forgot about that. That's on me. Obviously. A corpse in every view. Yeah.

Eli just dies. I'll never share the stage with a baby or a dog. Everyone knows that. Anyways, Hive Mind. It's a fun game. It's great for kids. Do you have a family? I'm like, Heath, am I right?

You? Wow. Maybe you fight with a baby again. He's cute. We're like, wow! doesn't skip a beat. And if it did, I'd be concerned that I might have heart disease. That I might have heart disease Maybe premature ventricular contractions Also known as PVCs And I'd probably have to see a cardiologist

Might need some kind of timer in my chest When I look into your eyes, the room doesn't spin around And that's good, cause if it did every time I saw you I'd need to take a minute to light that Think of all the things we'd want to do That that condition would confound Plus chronic vertigo might also be a sign My vestibular system's in decline

You see, it doesn't have to be some esoteric thing I tell you I love you, baby, that's enough to make me sing I love you baby that's enough to make me sing So set aside all those cliched romantic lies I simply love to look into your eyes When I look into your eyes the earth doesn't cease to spin And that's good cause if it did we'd all fly east At sixteen miles a minute and a day would last a year And the poles would flood as a supercontinental Around that now spherical earth's equator would arise

So I wouldn't be allowed to look you in the eyes When I look into your eyes, serotonin is released within my brain It's a monoamine neurotransmitter It's derived from tryptophan, 5-HG receptors Trigger interest cells, second messenger cascades And then a host of other hormones get involved It's how attachment in our species has evolved You see it doesn't have to be some esoteric thing

I tell you I love you baby that's enough to make me sing So set aside all those cliched romantic lies I simply love to look into your eyes i love to look you in the eye And of course, that's only a taste of the three-hour live stream that is, while no longer live, still available to any patrons that missed it. Just check the Patreon feed for a link. And of course, the other Three Pajama Party live streams are also still available on our feed for anybody who might be thinking about becoming a patron and just needed a nudge. Before we shift this episode into park tonight, I want to thank George, Joe, Kit, Jeff, Kelly, Rachel, Ann, Thomas, Lydia, Remy, Tim, Don, Max, and everybody else who hung out with us over the pajama party retreat.

Thanks for making such a memorable week of it. Anyway, that's all the blessing we've got for you tonight. But we're back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting on 17 Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God of Movies, debuting on Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Sanitation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't call myself a host if I neglected to thank Heath Enright

for writing all the heathens, and to thank Lucinda Lusions for loosening all the delusions, and I need to thank Eli Bosnick for snicking all the elibas. I also want to thank the fine folks at mallet media for helping us with the pajama party live stream i want to thank simon for providing this week's farnsworth quote be sure to check out the show notes for a link to his debut novel the sky is blue but most of all of course i want to thank this week's best bipeds aaron gorlista dave michael judd cotra kfh jason amy sam and keith amario andrew jai feral cowboy jamie colby grumpy ball of sunshine at real anti-craze lady aj scott Dave, Michael, Judd, Kodra, KFH, Jason, Amy, Sam, and Keith, Amariel, Andrew, Jai, Pharaoh, Cowboy, Jamie, Colby, Grumpyball,

The Sunshine, Atreal, Antichrist, Lady, AJ, Scott, Will, Randy, Ava, Ashley, Jill, James, Heathgate, Canadian, Fiance, Crystal, Help, I'm Trapped in a Podcast Factory, Don, James, Iculus, Joshua, Joanne, OJ, Mike, Dan, OG, Esther, David, Aaron, Gray Raven, Satanic, Nightjar, Mads, Ken, William, Matthew, Roger, Gale, Agnosticentrist, Polk, 0812, Dylan, Someone Save Us, Paz, J, Tone, Sham, Hunter, The, Gail, Agnosticentrist, Polkhole0812, Dylan, SomeoneSaveUs, Paz, JTone, Shamhunter, TheAtomicAss, and Angie. Who are so sexy they leave me out of breath even when I don't have to say all their names in a row. Together, these 60 sexy secularists secured our sacrilege this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, we'd like to have it, please. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slashcom slash skating aths whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button at the right side of the home page at skatingaths.com and if you'd like to help but your money's too inflated to fit through the internet tubes you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review telling a friend about the show and following us on social media and speaking to social media tim robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the content page at ScalingADS.com. All right, because of the nature of the episode, there's no outtake, but it would be weird if there was nothing here at all, right? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.