The Scathing Atheist - 577: Damn Fine Fine Edition

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

In this week’s episode, the Pope drops the mic on trans children, Hinduism and Islam have a very serious dispute about lion nomenclature, and we’ll learn that Christians have a pretty ordinary set of skills. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Liberty University fined record $14 million for failure to keep campus safe: https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2024/03/05/liberty-university-clery-act-education-department-report/ GOP lawmaker pushes anti-abortion propaganda bill with scientific, antisemitic lies: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/gop-lawmaker-pushes-anti-abortion Pope says gender theory is 'ugly ideology' that threatens humanity https://www.cbc.ca/news/world/pope-francis-gender-theory-ideology-1.7130679 Indian zoo facing lawsuit over a "Muslim" lion and a "Hindu" lioness living together: https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2024/2/24/whats-in-an-indian-lions-name-a-roaring-dispute --- This Week in Misogyny: France adds abortion rights to its constitution: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/mar/04/france-to-hold-final-vote-on-enshrining-abortion-as-a-constitutional-right Pastor admits women who wear shorts don’t deserve to be raped: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/after-saying-women-who-wear-shorts Brian Houston insists he wasn’t looking for porn on Twitter: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/former-hillsong-leader-brian-houston --- The Mini: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ACCNws6eTs

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity, but probably not enough. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock, Aura Frames, and by my new idea for a business, Pornographic Book Covers for Hotel Bibles. Pornographic Book Covers for Hotel Bibles, because if you didn't want obscene covers, you shouldn't have venerated such an obscene book. And now, The scathing atheist. Welcome to the stage, Mary Rose, a queer from Indianapolis. She grew up in a dugger-ass family of ten, has been to the Creation Museum five whole times in her life, and at 28 is in her

second year of public health college. She can assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men like her father, Tom. It's Thursday. It's March 7th. And this podcast gave up on Lent before it was cool. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Jason, Alexander's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this

is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the Pope drops the mic on trans children. Hinduism and Islam have a very serious dispute about lion nomenclature. And we'll learn that Christians have a pretty ordinary

set of skills. But first, the diatribe. The underlying problem in America right now is that there's a bunch of mediocre white dudes looking at an honest definition of bigotry and saying, well, if you define it that way, even I'd be a bigot. And then thinking the problem lies with the definition. And while I'm sure I could be describing any number of people you've had to interact with online or otherwise, the mediocre white dude I'm thinking of is Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. See, back when Obergefell was decided, he penned this snitty dissent that

basically translated that misconception into legalese. His chief concern was that in protecting the legal right to same-sex marriage, the court would force the government to treat people like bigots based solely on their religious belief that being gay was a sin. In other words, he was worried that Christians would be labeled as bigots based on nothing but their bigotry. he was worried that Christians would be labeled as bigots based on nothing but their bigotry. Now, to be clear, this is not a new principle. While it may have been new to apply that legal distinction to homophobes in particular, the government always treated people as bigots regardless of where that bigotry came from. If you refuse to rent a room in your hotel to a mixed-race couple, it wouldn't matter that your opposition to interracial marriage was biblical. You'd have violated the law nonetheless. But the legal playbook for

Christians right now is to act like this is some sort of novel imposition on their sacred liberties as soon as it's applied to LGBTQ people. And just in case there was some homophobic Christian warrior that hadn't got the message, Alito said it loud and clear from the bench last week. The whole thing stems from a case that the court unanimously declined, but Alito felt the need to issue a, but if we did take it, here's what I would have thought statement regardless. So here's the case. A woman who worked for the Missouri Department of Corrections sues her employer when her boss retaliates against her for fucking his ex. She wins, right? The court finds that the department didn't respond appropriately to her complaints and they had to pay her a bunch of money and say sorry like they

really meant it. But in advance of the trial, three jurors were excused for no reason but that they openly admitted prejudice against gay people religiously. The jurors were asked if they belong to a religion that taught them homosexuality was a sin. And when three of them said said yes the judge agreed with the plaintiff's attorney that obviously you couldn't expect them to render a fair judgment for a lesbian whose entire lawsuit revolved around a same-sex relationship well one of those prospective jurors turned around and sued because she's christian and the sense of christian entitlement is fucking boundless she said she was being excluded from civic participation because of her religion. And the courts were like, no, you were being excluded because you were a bigot.

It doesn't matter where the bigotry comes from. So she appealed. Now, at the appellate level, this was dismissed on technicality. But in a manner that I can't help but equate to asking to speak to the manager's manager, she appealed to the Supreme Court. And they were like, yeah, the fucking technicality still exists at our level, too. And they declined to take the case unanimously. But Alito still felt the need to weigh in. So he issued a five page fucking I don't even know what it's called, a precision. Anyway, he issues this statement saying that it's a goddamn travesty that these jurors were excluded and that this was exactly the kind of thing he warned about in his descent to a bergafell that thing being of course gay people having rights see the sleight of hand

here is subtle enough that a lot of people actually miss it but what alito and all the other christian nationalist judicial warriors are doing is they're swapping out religious status for religious belief while our eyes are on the lovely assistant or the flash paper or whatever. Excluding somebody for their religious belief is fucking nothing. Right? That happens constantly and it always has. If you were going to sit on a jury, say for like a death penalty

trial, they would always exclude you. If you were like a Quaker who doesn't believe it, like who has a religious belief against voting to send someone to their death. Nobody objects to your exclusion. Le least of all Sam Alito. But all of a sudden, when we're talking about his bias, this is a fucking travesty that must be curtailed. Alito argues, presumably with a straight face, that these jurors could have rendered an impartial decision regardless of their bias. An argument that he wouldn't even bother to consider if the bias

was motivated by any other thing and wasn't one he shared. Because what he's arguing here is that religious bias is better than those other biases, that religious people can uniquely transcend above their bigotry and remain dispassionately logical, irrespective of it. It's a delusion he shares, unfortunately, with damn near every mediocre white guy I've ever met. And it's a delusion that Sam Alito, no doubt, needs desperately cling to just to get to sleep every night and to wake up every morning. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the corn checks and wheat checks to my rice checks, Heath Enright and Eli Bostic. Fellas, are you ready to square off? I am. Checks, notes, ready, yes. Hey, wheat checks are the only checks

I don't bounce at this point. There you go. So I was excited just to, yeah. All right, well, on this sad reflection of just how bland my post-coronary diet has become, we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, My Sheets Rock. $40,000 in de-icing costs? Heath, Eli, will you guys get in here?

Hey, no, what's up? Wait, what are all these charges from the Orlando Live show? Oh, he's talking about the nap zone. Nap zone, yeah, for sure. Okay, I'll bite. What is the nap zone? Okay, does that get a point just now? No, they're not the sponsor. Nap zone's not the sponsor.

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That's MySheetsRock.com slash scathing, code scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's my sheets, rock.com slash scathing code scathing. All right, Noah. Thanks. But Hey, sorry about the extra costs. No worries. It all goes towards my debt for the eventual Amsterdam show.

I don't think you need to build up a debt in advance, right? Oh, trust me, Heath. I do. I do. Got it. And now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight liberty university the most restrictive thing ever to be named after freedom was fined

a record 14 million dollars by the department of education on tuesday for violating federal laws on campus safety leading many to say say, holy shit, apparently the Department of Education can issue fines. Look out, Ron, this fucking Santas. And by the way, in addition to the 14 large, the university also has to spend an additional $2 million on improvements to campus safety to bring them in line

with said federal laws. Yeah, it's expensive stuff. You got to get a bunch of bouncy castles to put at the bottom of every stairwell in case Paul Weld Jr. comes back to campus all drunk. Yeah. If's expensive stuff. You got to get a bunch of bouncy castles to put at the bottom of every stairwell in case Paul Weld Jr. comes back to campus all drunk. Yeah. If he's important. Let me help.

Guys, it's give me liberty or give me death or common misunderstanding. So this all comes from a two-year-long investigation with the education department summarized in a 108-page report that details a shockingly nonchalant attitude towards student safety or even their own fucking safety highlights include failing to issue timely warnings about criminal activities failure to notify the campus about emergencies and failing to maintain a complete crime log which means they literally tried to reduce their crime statistics by not writing down all the crimes cool the enron model of university safety right lovely yeah forgive and forget is not the policy you want your educational

institution to have uh no no of course we've talked a lot about liberty university on this show mostly as it pertains to their drunk and abusive, insufficiently clothed cuck of a former president, Jerry Falwell Jr. Yeah, he's all those things in a bad way. No judgment on the general, but on him, for sure. Well, the abusive part, yeah, but... Okay, yes, that. We've also talked about Liberty's

abysmal safety record, especially as it pertains to keeping female students safe from sexual predators. Now, the university has gone to great lengths to convince everybody that the real problem was just Jerry Falwell Jr. and that all the issues left when he did. They've gone to defamatory lengths, if you believe Jerry Falwell Jr., which he's never given you any reason to do at any point in his life. But regardless, it's clear from this report that there is still plenty of work to do.

Yeah, most of that $2 million they have to spend is motion detector lights in the corner of every dorm room to make sure he's not lurking there watching you fuck in the bouncy castles. Yeah, honestly, what's clear from this report is that Jay Falls II is just the most public sex pest to thrive at Liberty University, but by no means the worst. Right. Now, for their part liberty university played the role of chasen penitent and and pointed out that they've already spent 10 million dollars since 2022 in their efforts to be compliant with the laws at issue here and they think that makes them sound good but it's actually an admission that after spending eight figures in a desperate

scramble to reach compliance that began after the Department of Education's investigation began, they're still at least a couple million dollars shy of minimal legally required safety requirements. There are 108 pages of report away from minimal safety requirements. Yes. I mean, honestly, it's hard not to imagine Liberty students trying to make their way to class through a gauntlet of swinging axes and agitated chain chomps. Okay, you could give everyone a Tanuki suit and the power to become invincible like a statue. But if your view of women is based on the book of Timothy, it's not going to be enough. It's not going to be enough. Yeah.

Yeah. It's also worth pausing to point out that one of the reasons parents send their kids to universities like Liberty is to protect them from a world that they perceive to be full of sin and dangers. And as is almost always the case with private religious things that don't have to follow laws, they end up doing the exact opposite of protecting their kids. Yes. Again. Right. And look, when their crimes are rendered in language as anodyne, as failure to notify campus of emergencies, it's easy to think of this as like clerical oversight type shit. So let me give you a sense of the scale here. The previous record holder for the largest fine ever issued

by the Department of Education was against Michigan State University over the Larry Nassar affair. He's the doctor that sexually abused the school's gymnastic team for fucking eons, right? That fine was $4.5 million. So the shit Liberty was doing

was, in the Department of Education's estimation, more than three times as bad as that. Whoo! Yeah. And in putting the con in conception news, a new bill in West Virginia would force all students in their public school system to watch insane anti-choice propaganda videos as part of their science curriculum about human development.

The bill is called SB 468 or the baby Olivia act. And it's named after one of the propaganda videos called Meet Baby Olivia that's been described by most major organizations of medical professionals as approximate quote, fucking stupid and you're lying. The video claims

a sperm touching the outside of an ovum is a baby named Olivia, I guess, that has a heartbeat six weeks later, despite very literally not having a heart six weeks later. The beat comes first. You know how

in Christopher Nolan movies, sometimes the music kicks in before the scene changes, so you know it's coming. Or it's the backwards time thing. Sure. Wait until you see the version they have to show in Alabama Where baby Olivia and her friends are frozen At the IVF clinic like Sylvester Stallone

In Demolition Man So During the debate session For that bill a democrat made the argument That lots of Jewish people Among many others don't believe A sperm touching an egg Equals a baby.

And after a very long diversion during which somebody clarified what was meant by Jewish people, we got to hear from GOP state senator, Christian nationalist, and redundant neo-Nazi Mike Azinger, who spoke up to defend the bill. He started by saying, quote, It's essentially an absurdity that all Jewish people believe that lifehood, for lack of a better term, begins at another time other than conception. What? Just to be clear, a better term would be life, I suppose. I don't know why you would say lifehood like a crazy person.

Lifeiness? Ah, the English language has its limitations. He continued, any Jew really really but don't just say it out man if you don't just say any jew if you're mike asinger say jewish people he said any jew who believes the first five books of the bible would by definition believe that life begins at conception because Genesis 4.1 says, and Adam knew Eve, his wife, and she conceived. There, right there, end quote. Right, right where, Mike?

Not clear. Are you sure you're not just dealing with a case of stupidhood, for lack of a better term? Right. So to be clear, Mike was sitting in his seat and heard people talking and he was like, damn it, Jews are wrong about their religion again. Yes, I got this. Give me a second. Let me explain the Jews what they believe. Yeah. And just for the record, the Talmud says that life begins when the baby's head emerges from the mother's body. So according to that sincerely held belief, it is in fact your First Amendment right as a Jewish person to do a beheading style abortion on any baby that's born feet first.

Sure. As long as you keep the head inside during the guillotine procedure. Yeah, obviously. Also, none of that matters. Also, about 85% of Jewish people support uterine autonomy. Yes, as do the majority of theists in general in America, as do the majority of Americans in America. Yep. Well, great, Noah. Now Mike needs to explain what being an American means to an American. Yeah, right, right. So from there, Mike Azinger kept talking, and sadly, he ruined his very cogent anti-Semitic

tirade. He continued by saying, quote, all of a sudden we have a lot of senators who are all upset and worried about accuracies in science class. But evolution is a quickly dying theory that many, many understand to be an absurdity in and of itself, just because it can't pass the first

test of first cause. So this is a great bill. It shows conception and Google it at the very nanosecond of conception. There's a flash of light when conception occurs, when conception occurs in human beings. And I believe it's across the whole animal kingdom at the point the second of conception there is a flash of light that is god telling us that life begins there and exact quote from an elected official why would any of that mean to this doesn't even it's not true and there's no therefore and then God shows up. It's if the only bad thing religion ever did was inspire this idiot to run for office, that would be enough to justify our show. Yeah.

To be clear, if someone said this aloud on a subway, I would change cars. And this guy is using it for why the law he has proposed should pass. Yes. Yeah. So that was a terrifying West Virginianism, for lack of a better term. But my favorite part is the story behind the flash of light thing. And great work by Hemant Mehta for explaining this over at the Friendly Atheist blog. That's how I learned this. Apparently, a bunch of evangelicals latched onto the flash of a light thing after a study came out in 2016 about the activation of ova by sperm. There's a release of zinc around that moment. And the scientists were able to track that by putting ova in a fluorescent solution that binds to zinc.

And under a microscope, you could see the zinc light up. Amazing. There is not, however, a giant old-timey flashbulb that goes off whenever an egg is fertilized across the entire animal kingdom. If God was setting up a sign about abortion policy, no, he wasn't. Yeah, right. Nope. But I do love that Christians now have an image of their head of God taking a selfie with all of his children, like a Jewish grandparent.

Just like, one second, the flash was on. How do I, I got to push the light. The lightning is there. Oh, I want to make it an X. Okay. No lightning, please. And quick, before the headlines reach their third trimester, we're going to cut them off for a word from this week's other sponsor,

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Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Masada. It's not every week that I get to open this segment with good news, but I want to start tonight with a tip of the beret to the good people of France, who became the first nation in the world to enshrine the right to abortion into their constitution. And when asked why they did it, they pretty much just said, well, we don't want to wind up like America now, do we? And in a tantalizing vision of what we could be as a nation if we weren't so damned religious, I should point out that this wasn't exactly a tight vote. Of the 925 members of parliament that could vote on this, 780 voted in favor.

That's just shy of 85 percent and when the bill passed there was a brurous applause and they lit the Eiffel Tower up in celebration which really makes you wonder what those abortion is murder assholes must think of French people and make no mistake this is a historic thing France's prime minister told the people gathered to celebrate the lost passage, quote, we are haunted by the suffering and memory of so many women who were not free. Today, the president must respond to history. To enshrine this right in our constitution is to close the door on the tragedy of the past and its trail of suffering and pain.

Let's not forget that the train of oppression can happen again. Let's act to ensure that it doesn't, end quote. And while France is making historic strides in the field of women's rights, what are we doing back here in the good old U.S. of A? Well, the biggest stride I could find for us was that a pastor in North Carolina who said that women who wear shorts deserve to be raped later admitted that he was wrong. So, yeah, this is the story of Pastor Bobby Leonard of the Bible Baptist Tabernacle in Monroe, North Carolina. He was giving a sermon talking about the previous weekend that he spent leering at women at an outlet mall and counting to see if more of them wore pants or shorts, which is already plenty creepy even before he adds, quote, if you dress like that and you get raped and I'm on the jury, he's going to be free.

Well, a clip of that shit went viral and all of a sudden he saw the light and decided that maybe he should walk his endorsement of sexual assault back a bit. First, he said that the sermon was taken out of context. And I was like, well, if you wanted people to have the context, why the fuck did you immediately delete it from your website? But eventually, Leonard did apologize. By then, he'd basically deleted his and his church's entire social media presence. So his apology was limited to a reader board outside the church that said, quote, I am sorry for any hurt. I was wrong, Pastor Leonard, end quote. And before I let you go, I have to highlight one more story for you, because last Tuesday, Brian Houston, formerly of Hillsong Baptist Church, sent out a tweet that simply read, quote, Hillsong Baptist Church, sent out a tweet that simply read, quote, ladies and girls kissing,

end quote, because he apparently thought that bit was a search bar, which is fucking hilarious. But as is so often the case when a Christian idiot falls into a trap of his own making, Houston's desperate flailing just keeps making it both worse and funnier. 16 minutes after the original tweet, he deletes it and tweets out, quote, I think my Twitter may have been hacked, end quote. Then he has an assistant tweet out a lengthier, yeah, it was definitely hacked statement, perhaps hoping that his excuse would be more believable coming from a woman. Then he had her tweet out another tweet reiterating that excuse along with a partial screenshot of an email saying that his Twitter account had a suspicious login attempt. Though the screenshot fails to contain any information about when that happened. So he almost certainly

had someone try to log into his account suspiciously so that he could have this excuse. All so that he didn't have to admit to looking at the most anodyne possible excuse for porn. So while we all take a minute to appreciate the fact that we atheists get to watch porn guilt-free, I'll wrap things up for you and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in another Nope from the Pope news. One of the weird things about talking about atheism for a living is that far more often than people talk to us about God being real or that bigots are simply acting out the perfect word of the creator of the universe,

you get asked to give out trophies to non-bigoted religious people, which is a weird thing to do about a definitely harmful set of ideas, right? Nobody ever asks us to concede the self-confidence boost racism gives people or the financial opportunities afforded to home invaders. And yet, every time a religious figurehead says something remotely progressive,

we, atheist activists, are expected to trip over our own dicks in a rush to praise them. And perhaps there's no figurehead for whom this is more true than Pope Francis, who, since his inaugural triumph of not having been a literal Nazi, has been a media darling matched only by the time we all decided we'd like to the tiger King guy for a second. But the Pope is not progressive and he's not an ally as he reminded us in his own words this week when he called gender theory, a quote, ugly ideology that threatens humanity, threatens humanity. You got to have some stupid fears that don't threaten to end human existence. I know you have some medium stupid fears. This is a crying wolf.

So, big thanks to Lilith for sending us this story over at scathingnews at gmail.com. I don't think it was the apocryphal demon queen that sent us the latest atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, but maybe it was. And if you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, but maybe it was. And if you send us atheist news to scatleynews at gmail.com,

maybe she'll answer your prayer and steal your ex-husband's penis. Worth a shot. Anyway, addressing participants of a two-day conference in the Vatican on the evolving role of men and women, according to Christian teachings, the Pope was actually too sick to deliver his own speech. But it was so important to him to shit talk gender theory that he did a little bigot TLDR to sum up his feelings, and then he had an aide read the rest of his actual speech. So here's what he had to say, quote, I have asked that studies be carried out into this ugly ideology of our times, which cancels out the differences and makes everything the same. Adding, canceling out the differences means canceling out humanity.

He said while trying to cancel out a part of humanity in a speech. Right. First of all, maybe have the studies about gender theory start with learning the meaning of gender theory. There you go. Starting with Webster's Dictionary. That would have been a better study if they did it like that at the beginning. Yeah. But that's not all.

Pope Frankly My Queer I Don't Give a Damn also had a book recommendation for us. And it was the 1907 doomsday literature, Lord of the World, a book written by a Catholic priest about what would happen if there wasn't any religion. Look, guys, our social views haven't significantly changed since 1907, when the only places in the world women could vote were New Zealand, Australia, the Isle of Man and the Grand Duchy of Finland. So I'm pretty sure this is still good. I think we're still. It still counts. Yeah. It's evergreen. So yeah,

next time you see some front page news that the Pope said gay people can ride the bus or eat food at all, just please remind the people around you, especially if they're praising it,

that the Pope is not social justice's friend. If anything, he's the boss it must defeat at the end of the game. Yes. And finally tonight,

in big catastrophe news. Given the intense sociopolitical conflict in the country of India between the religions of Hinduism and Islam, the nation's court system is constantly dealing with extremely sensitive issues that have real life consequences for about 1.4 billion people. Also, there's a lion with a Muslim name and a lioness with a Hindu name at a zoo. And they were living in the same enclosure,

likely engaging in constant pantheist orgies of spiritual debauchery of lions and that's why the calcutta high court spent their real time in real reality as grown-ups and professional legal scholars considering what to do about this very serious problem fucking cats and cats living together mass hysteria. Say it's a problem of meow segenation. A big thanks to Stormy D for the link and for Catastrophe. Scathing news at gmail.com. So this all

became a court case when a Hindu nationalist group called the VHP heard about the brazen religio miscegenation of cats at the Bengal Safari Park. Sorry, meow miscegenation. Yes. Thank you. According to their official complaint

from the nationalist group, a lioness named Sita, named after the amazing and very real Hindu deity, was living with a lion named Akbar named after some fucking bullshit Muslim thing. And it's not just any Muslim thing. Akbar is the name of a Mughal emperor

who was known to be pretty secular for his time. He had a bunch of Hindu friends and he even married a Hindu lady. And that is unacceptable if you're a Hindu nationalist. They're claiming it's blasphemous and it's hurting the feelings of Hindu people all over the country.

An official for the VHC said, quote, Sita cannot stay with the Mughal Emperor Akbar. End quote. People of our religion are deeply invested in who a cat fucks.

You're not taking this seriously enough. We demand to be taken seriously. Okay. Yeah. I just want to clarify. If the lion had the name of a more devout Muslim emperor, they'd be okay with it. Probably not. More okay?

It's hard to say. So the origin of the lion naming is also a big part of the argument. The VHC is claiming Akbar the lion was originally named Ram after another Hindu deity, the husband of Sita. So it was all good. But then Ram got moved from a park in the mostly Hindu state of Tripura to the current park in the more Muslim state of West Bengal. And that's when West Bengal authorities renamed the lion Akbar for spite. West Bengal responded to that by saying, no, that was you.

You guys changed the name to Akbar. All right, how's this for a peace offering? We renamed them Adam and Steve. Yeah. I mean, look, I know American theocracy is a drag, right? We have careers as a result of it, but at least our zookeepers aren't worried their animal namings

are going to set off a geopolitical skirmish. You know what I'm saying? If they named them Adam and Steve, it just might, man. It might. We're getting there. So according to the article at Al Jazeera, there's a conspiracy theory popular among Hindu nationalists

that's likely to be causing the panic about a Muslim lion potentially mating with a Hindu lioness. That conspiracy theory is called love jihad. It's the idea that Muslim men are trying to destroy Hinduism by wooing Hindu women one by one and converting them to islam in response to that conspiracy several states with predominantly hindu leaders have introduced anti-conversion laws and police started cracking down on muslim men involved in interfaith relationships because they're allegedly doing love jihad. Okay, but love jihad sounds awesome, right?

At least Hindu nationalists are better at naming shit than whoever came up with white replacement theory, right? Okay, but also, how are they imagining that going? Like, hey, I couldn't help but notice you're awfully comfortable here in one of the hottest places on earth with no air conditioning. How'd you like to be in a bag all the time

or I'll kill you? Tricky. Buy you a drink? on earth with no air conditioning. How'd you like to be in a bag all the time or I'll kill you? Tricky. Buy you a drink? All right. So here's where the high court landed on this. They told the Bengal Safari Park to strongly consider renaming Akbar and Sita. They made it clear that giving a religious name

to any lion is fraught with peril, apparently. No word on the official renaming yet, but the park has moved Sita and Akbar to separate enclosures to ensure we don't get a Hindu slash Muslim chimera lion. And eventually, a shred of sanity did prevail. And somebody on the high court was like, hey, guys, we all look like fucking idiots. We got to stop hearing cases about religious animal names. So the case got reclassified as public interest litigation. And that means the high court will not be spending any more time on it. And with the sad admission that we probably can't say the same, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we won't be the same. I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji. And when we come back, we won't be the ones encouraging crimes for a change. Ooh. The wonderful thing about Christian cinema is that they can often squeeze feature-length stupidity into a short film's

runtime, which is why we're happy to bring you another installment of God Awful Minis. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Taken, the Christian short film that does indeed have like the highest density of stupid ever. It's impressive. Like I was saying, it's the story of a guy becoming an armed vigilante and taking an OBGYN hostage. It's John McHugh. And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if you love watching forced birth advocates struggle under basic questioning, but you wish one of them would say, hey, that's a great point for my side of the argument, you will love this mini. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best or being the worst at? Best worst basketball.

Oh my God. Oh yeah, baby. I was furious. They spend like 35 seconds playing basketball and they managed to get like more than 35 things wrong it's amazing i'm amazed they don't kick the ball really honestly so i was gonna go with best worst blood distribution right so there's a there's a point where our main character is gonna do some bad shit and another guy's gonna be bleeding and he's gonna have to get out of the car all covered in that

guy's blood. But the way that they've smeared the blood a little bit on this leg, a little over here and even it up here is just the most unrealistic, ridiculous bullshit you've ever seen. I love it. Yeah. They were making that one tube of stage blood from Halloween Adventure last. You know what I'm saying? And I'm going to go with best worst action

prep. It's just a tiny moment, but I will talk about it. It's classic. Okay, so we're going to open up and made a arrest with a dude on the phone holding the gun going, I can't do that. I have no idea what this is ever about. Okay. So obviously this is supposed

to be like the Liam Neeson character and he's doing such a bad job doing the scary voice that Liam Neeson does when he's like on that phone call. So he's like, I have a very particular set of... I have a very particular set of skills. Yeah, very much so. I'm hanging up. I'm going to try again later. Now, can we spoil the twist for this? Because I have questions. We have to spoil it. Yes.

Okay. Yes. So this is about a guy whose wife, girlfriend, something. Wife. Gets an abortion without his permission. Right. And the movie is going to make us think that it's about an affair. Right.

That's the twist of the film. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And they're definitely married, by the way. Just in case anybody missed it, she holds up her hand with the ring on it very clearly. She does. That's right.

Scratches her nose for like five seconds to show it to you. But in this opening scene, he says, you need to make this right. And again, given the spoilers, how does someone make an abortion? You got to get in here and let me impregnate my wife while we're at this medical office. You need to put that baby back together. Stick that fetus back in there. Hook it up. Get all the king's horses and all the king's men.

I don't care. So then we get the title, right? And then we get the wife coming home. And I have her down as just wife throughout the story. I have him down as husband because I don't know that they get named. I think she's named Jen. I was shocked. I was like, what?

Did they like almost pass the Bechdel test? But not really? No, she never talks to a woman. Yeah, definitely not. No, no. They're very much trying to portray this wife as a whore. So they put this poor actress

in her like least favorite bridesmaid dress because it had bare shoulders. It's fucking hilarious. I wrote my notes. You can tell she's sinful by the spaghetti straps so yeah but she's like we need to talk

and then we cut outside like we watch them talk through the window so that they can do the reveal later and we don't know what she said right very subtle but when we cut back in the husband's just going how could you now again we're supposed to think that she just said i had an affair and the movie will lead us down that path as much as it can what she really said was i had an abortion right right but when he yells how could you she says i didn't have a choice and i was like oh so end of movie did Did you accidentally explain the thing that's wrong with your stupid philosophy? Yeah, that would be really bad.

Yeah. And he goes like, you know, he starts yelling about what about my rights to your body? You know, and she explains that he doesn't make enough money. That's her big problem.

And again, like, you know, that's a pretty reasonable reason to have an abortion. I can't afford to have a child is a great reason not to have a child. Yeah. And it's even worse because she's like, yeah, I have a real job

and you fucking started a podcast as a middle-aged dude. Solid point. Yeah, and he never addresses that, by the way. His instant thing is, revenge! And not, ah, yeah, you know,

I probably should have taken on some weekend shifts. Yeah, right. No, she says she's embarrassed by his existence and I'm like, yeah, you know, I probably should have taken on some weekend shifts. Yeah, right. No, she says she's embarrassed by his existence. And I'm like, well, you know, you are several A's out of his league here. So I get it. Yeah, you are a podcaster.

Your particular set of skills is, I guess, hair gel based on looking at this guy. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, so he goes, I want to know his name. Again, the movie would have you think that it's the person. But no, he wants to know the abortion doctor's fine. Yeah, so he goes, I want to know his name. Again, the movie would have you think that it's the person. But no, he wants to know the abortion doctor's name. Which, again, only in the insane fantasy of anti-choice people is there an abortion guy as opposed to a clinic, a doctor, a medical practice. Yeah, uh-huh.

So, but then, you know, she yells, you yells you know like i need to take care of myself you sure can't and i'm like oh zing fucking got him got him then we cut to him and his pastor playing basketball down at the church oh my god i was so happy so furious there was only if only this this movie could like also just gently be making bug noises near Heath's ears and rubbing honey on its face. This movie is a prank on Heath. Okay, just a couple of examples. I'm just going to name a couple. I can't do more.

He makes a 15-footer and the ball lands back in his hands from the sky immediately. It does. Fuck. By the way, that's not that 15 footer is not in a single take, by the way. No, it sure isn't. Separate cuts, but it was like, shoot from 15 feet, swish, ball from the sky

back straight into his hands. So stupid. And then he's like, I'm going to celebrate in my buddy's face. And he does the ball spin on his finger for a second. And he definitely injured himself because he like, for just a second, he gets it.

And then he has to like, kind of stretch out all the one side and he almost drops it. And not only does he only get it for a second, but when he does, the ball is out of frame, right? He goes so high with his hand that it's no longer in the camera frame at all.

Just have the ball drop from the sky back onto your finger i don't know you're using sure yeah so yeah and then so you know his he's talking a bunch of shit he goes to try to like get by his buddy by husband and husband elbows him so hard that he knocks him down now he doesn't actually elbow him hard because they don't want to hurt each other. So he sells it like a soccer player or whatever when he falls down. Which again, like a body check in a game of one-on-one is just one person going, ah, what are you doing? Also, sorry, I'm naming one more. They're playing one-on-one and he makes a shot he makes

a layup and he's like that's two to nothing nobody plays one-on-one with two points for a layup maybe you would play with ones and twos the twos would be behind the arc but there's no arc on this court either no it's nonsense yeah every christian movie trying to do a sport is like inglorious bastards with the three fingers thing and it's like so clear they've never sports ever now of course these these actors can't handle pretending to play basketball through this entire scene so at a certain point they like get up and they walk over to sit on the bench for the rest of the dialogue which honestly i'm sure like probably is the reason that heath was even able to join us But yeah, but he sits down and he's like,

Pastor, how could God let my wife do that to me? Yeah, he's like, I've been a Christian for four months. And it's like, yeah, no, it's almost a college semester, buddy. I can see why you would expect nothing bad to ever happen to you again. But the pastor's advice, he says, well, you know, what you need to do is respond.

Don't react. Those are fucking synonyms. Those are synonyms. Those are fucking synonyms. Yeah. What the hell are you talking about? Not even stretchy. I need him to be like, hold on.

Okay, I want you to do a respond and then a react so I can tell the fucking difference. Right, right. What would that be let me show you let's show me a response that isn't a reaction that's what i need so but buddy who is still by the way just desperately out of breath from the 28 seconds of exertion at the beginning of this scene he pulls a bible out of his bag to hand it to the to husband and it's like he he just said he's been a fucking Christian for four months. He doesn't have a fucking Bible. You're ready.

I know you've just been believing me for now, but it's time for you to read yourself. Yeah. And then a fucking, I, for no goddamn reason, the janitor comes in. Right.

And he's like, Hey pastor, could you lock up tonight? I got to get home to my sick wife. And he's like, okay. pastor, could you lock up tonight? I got to get home to my sick wife. And he's like, okay. Like, why the, what was he the goddamn number one backer on Kickstarter for this thing? Or someone was watching this and they were like, who's this fella giving religious advice? He better, oh, he is a pastor.

Okay. Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe that's it. I was worried I was going to have to kidnap and murder the maker of this film. All right. So he gets home. He's all mopey. And now we're going to get Eli's best worst. We're going to get the classic action movie arming up scene done as stupidly as possible.

Oh, my God. It's like watching me pack. It's just like rope. Nope, not rope. Socks. Sock rope. Nope, not rope. Socks. Sock rope. He starts with snacks. Yes, he starts with cliff bars and bottled water.

It's the best. He's like, alright, gotta get my bag together to do this hostage thing. I better stay hydrated though. I might get snacky. I don't want to get snacky. The Brita is empty. I guess I'll take a couple bottles. This is plastic waste, though.

I feel bad. Anyway. Maybe I'll get some trail mix? No, there you go. I'm going to add raisins. I would genuinely have loved this movie if at one point they had closed the circle of the Clif Bars or you'd been like,

you killed me. Sorry, one second. Hum. A little snacky. So then he goes to, he gets gets some rope he's got some rope there he he keeps just two nooses of rope sitting out in his house apparently i feel like his wife puts those out for him every morning with a note that says do it you coward yeah yeah he's got two different colors you know for funsies he was like yeah i like that they offer multiple noose colors and then he grabs

his gun right and we're like oh finally something that makes any fucking sense but just so that that's also stupid he also shakes out like the three or four loose bullets in his gun like the bottom of a pringles can for bullets he lifts it up one of the bullets goes in his eye. Ow. And by the way, he keeps his gun in a fucking cardboard box. Like, like April crazy. And of course, so he goes out to get in his truck in the garage.

And of course it's a fucking crew cab, right? Yeah. He's sitting in his truck to work up the courage. I really wanted him to stay there too long and die from carbon monoxide poisoning. His wife comes in. She's like, well, the nooses were unnecessary.

There you go. However you want to do it. So then, okay. So now we're going to cut to the guy, to his target. This is the abortion doctor guy. And he's, they want him coming out

of his mansion on his way to his car, but they don't have like rent the use of a mansion kind of money. So he's walking out of like a fucking library or a two-story funeral home or something. Right.

That historic house in your town that has like a museum about the town in it. They ran away right after they got this cut for sure. Right, right. All right, guys, very important because I think I saw what happened in the real universe, but maybe something in the movie universe explains it. Did he pull out his stage gun, shoot the other actor, the other actor didn't realize he was supposed

to be shot, so then he shoots again while the director is like, fuck, Chris, he shot you, act shot! Or was he supposed to have missed the first time? No, he is supposed to have missed because there's like a little chunk of stone that gets kicked up when he shoots. So that's what it is, is that they

had that all rigged up and they're like, you have to miss one time because we have this awesome fucking effect where there's a little stone squib. We have stone squib money. Yeah, exactly. We also have sound effects money for it. It's going to be bink. Bink. Yes, yes. Two binks. And the bullet hits a rock behind the guy. Yeah.

Yeah, but the husband shoots this guy in the shoulder. Now, apparently the plan was to kidnap him, right? And he's not a good enough shot to even hit the dude from like, he's like 10 feet away on his first shot. So I don't know what, you know, like he was really rolling a die with this first shot, right? So anyway, so the guy's shot in the shoulder he's rolling around on the ground husband comes up he's like hovering over him ready to deliver the head

shot he says you shouldn't have done it jennifer williams is my wife and the doctor guy is like what is the plot now here yeah am i supposed to say i don't care are we doing a fugitive thing i don't understand the guy responds you can have my money. And look, I know this movie's stupid and he's trying to keep a secret, but I don't think anyone opens a robbery by saying

you shouldn't have done it. Or telling you the name of their wife. Yeah, right. Exactly. The doctor's like, please don't kill me. He delivers it

with all the fucking passion of asking for a refill on his lemonade. But then husband knocks him out with the pistol whip. Right? Bink. Yeah. And then we get my best worst, But then husband knocks him out with the pistol whip, right? Bink.

Yeah. And then we get my best worst, right? He drives him out into town and we get the husband. He gets out of the car and he's got the blood all like exactly symmetrically smeared on his pants and face and shit. Okay. But this scene fucking ruled because in this very serious short film, we're going to watch him now not be able to

drag a body and use a door at the same time. So he does a fucking Marx Brothers bit where the body flops and then it rolls down a hill and he's like It's so good. Just like I'm going to fucking kill you. It's a tricky door handle. I only have my elbow

free. It's a ball. If it pushed it would be fine. Do you mind getting knocked out? He drops the guy like an infomercial. The guy rolls away in all directions like a bunch of apples. It's got to be a better way. Well, what I love so much about this too is that

most movies, they wouldn't actually make the actor drag 180 pounds of dead weight in a human being across concrete, but they don't know what they're supposed to do. So he's literally trying to drag this, you know, human-sized human

on the road. It's not going great. Ow, too hard. Too hard. At one point it seems like he's trying to get away, like he was just going to inchworm his way to freedom. Just squinching, squinching just so yeah but but he drags this guy eventually and and clumsily into a clinic there's a bunch of nurses so he orders them all into the small office because right now he's john queuing the fucking the abortion clinic right so he locks everybody in he ominously closes the blinds

and then we cut to like sometime later he's on the phone with the cops outside yeah he's demanding to see his wife and i wrote my notes oh yeah she's gonna love this man yeah right right this will do it so yeah but the first words we hear him say he goes he's talking about the hostages and he goes they're not hurt except i shot a guy i did shoot a guy he's he's he's going ah but yeah he wants to see his wife again and then he remembers that scene from the very beginning because they only had that the money to hire that chick for that one scene in the cemetery shot at the end but this time we don't cut out to the window when she has the like you know when she has something to say to him.

So we hear that it was I had an abortion, not I had an affair. Right. Right. Which, to be clear, still not OK, even if you had an affair. Nope. Nope. None of this is OK. This movie is like we all know how you would kill someone in a homicidal rage because everyone you've ever stuck your dick into is a property.

But what if it was what was inside of her that was your property? Oh, well, what? So this was actually kind of a confusing reveal for me because this is where I had to first realize that this movie was like trying to fool me. Right. Because it was so obvious what was going on to me that I was like, oh, they think this is a reveal. I was supposed to think it was an affair this whole time. Okay. Yeah, it's like watching a really young child

do a magic trick. You're like, the box is empty now. That's right. Yeah, right. What? Where did it go? Love your hand full of everything. What's the opposite of a reveal?

It was like a reverse twist reveal. Yeah, that's right. A conceal. it was like a reverse twist reveal yeah right yeah yeah conceal yeah so and then so but he's yelling at the abortion doctors like do you know how many unborn fetuses died at your hand and just then the pastor guy from earlier in the movie shows up right he's there to like i guess talk husband down right yeah so the he went to the cops outside and was like, please, I play one-on-one basketball for this guy and have been for four months. Please allow me to handle this. Right. And they're like, yeah, okay, sure. So he goes up there and he's like,

he's on one side of the window and, and, uh, the husband is on the other. And he's like, he says, you know, you can't do this. And the husband is like an eye for an eye pastor. He holds up the Bible. And I'm like, well, to be fair, that book is terrible in terms of moral advice. So at least you are somewhat guilty for having given it to him. I mean, it does say that in the book. But I thought the pastor was going to be like, well, that's the Jewish part that you're referencing. You got to check Matthew. And then like, that's a little bit cooler.

But he says, eye for an eye is bad. Any Jew will tell you the five. But he's like, they threw my daughter in the trash. I was supposed to teach her to ride a bike. And he's like, that's not how fetuses work, man. Fetuses can't ride bikes. Right. Also, I was supposed to take care of her.

I was supposed to protect. Okay, so maybe pay closer attention in high school and then you can afford to have a baby. Feels like your fault. I'm just saying. Also, how does it, why does that matter? Like, no, that's not how it works. There's not like a trash bag and it's, but like if the fetus was frozen

in carbonite up on the wall, it would be better for this guy? Right, exactly. They had a little funeral, like in Texas. Yeah, and then the pastor's like, yes, what the abortion doctor did was wrong, but what you're doing is also wrong. And I'm like, oh, so we're saying these are equal, the kidnapping and shooting of the doctor

and the performing of an abortion on a woman who wanted an abortion. And the medical care that a person got voluntarily. Yes, exactly. Okay, I just got to add that while they're having this really intense conversation, bad guys holding a gun, pastors across the wall on the other side

trying to give them a speech about the Bible, there's a big poster across the wall on the other side trying to like give him a speech about the bible there's a big poster on the wall that says check up on chlamydia just get rid of that for your scene we do have to check up this movie is trying to tell you any one thing yeah like that's good advice but like it doesn't work for the scene yeah yeah but the pastor's like so yes we do have to stop baby murder, but not like this. And then the husband says, I'm going to do it. And he takes his gun and he puts it to the head of the abortion doctor. And we hear a gunshot, but it's the cop sniper shooting the husband, I guess, which is all the more confusing because the window doesn't break. Yeah, I know how I feel about this.

How is the audience supposed to feel about? Are we supposed to be like, oh, man.'s gonna do more abortion i was like this is fun i did not see that coming that guy's dead now good nice yeah happy ending yeah so then we cut to the wife at the cemetery she sure feels bad about having that abortion now huh or she's like oh i don't have to leave out those nooses anymore. That's just lovely. Yeah, nice. I thought she was just going to squat down, start peeing. Yup, no, that tracks.

She starts fucking the abortion doctor on the grave. This is pretty funny, right? Because I was having an affair too. Hey, Christian filmmakers, if your film is directly aimed at guys who want to shoot up abortion clinics if that population is a part of your audience that's a problem you shouldn't have that as a

part of your audience well especially if you're going to end on this fucking title card right so this title card we get the cemetery and then the title card comes up and it says who has the right to take a life? Yeah. End of movie. Right. And the movie's not sure about the answer because it's just like. No. Take a life? Credits.

And yeah, like, is it cops? Did they land on cops? Plenty of fine people on both sides. Yeah. Like that cop, I guess. But that's a weird ending either way. Also, I want to point out these credits complete bullshit

they must have some made up names nobody was the first assistant camera operator for this god damn film absolutely Craig will you give me a water bottle are you going to list me as first assistant camera again alright well on that not quite incitement

to murder I guess we can wrap things up. But I'm sure there will be more socially irresponsible messaging for the next God Awful Mini. Before we tighten the lug nuts tonight, I want to thank everybody who came out and saw us in Orlando last week. I also want to single out the Central Florida Freethought community for making a big showing. It's a great group. Check them out

if you're in the Orlando area. Anyway, that's all the last movie we've got for you tonight, but it will be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout

for a brand new episode of Our Sister Show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of Our Sister Show's Hot Friend,

Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I episode of our half-censorship Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't allay your fears that I've been replaced by a scroll unless I thank

Heath Enright for reminding me that I do suck at pool. I need to thank Eli Bostic for reminding me that I could suck worse and I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucid Illusions for letting me win two out of three. Sorry, there's a billiards table at the Airbnb in Florida and I'm still plotting my revenge. I also want to thank Mary Rose for providing this week's Farnsworth quote slash wrestling intro, but most of all, of course I also want to thank Mary Rose for providing this week's Farnsworth Quote slash Wrestling intro.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people, Maggie Maraschelli, Mark Chen, 33rd Cookie, Beamstress, Michael Sunshine, Ken, Sarah, Daryl and Don, Lynn, Matthew, NotThatMatt, AnotherMatt, Derek, Stilgar, Angelo, Johnny Tips, MatchZenik, Casey, Shannon, Steven, Maurice, Ava, Brandon, Chris, Hypatia, BloodForceLlama, Carol, Logan, and Tom, whose wits are even sharper than binky's claws when he's ready for me to wake the fuck up.

Together, these 34 thoroughly thoughtful atheists thankfully thwarted the theist's syllabus this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingathe patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingatheist.com and if you'd like to help you're saving all your money to buy your way out of the simulation you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review telling a friend about the show and following us on social media and speaking of social media tim robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission

if you have questions comments or death threats you'll wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. Sorry, one second. I thought you were going to backtrack on the Tiger King comment. I thought you thought about it. You're like, wait. We didn't like him.

You know what? On second thought, she did kill that guy. I mean, Carole Baskin's killed. Yes. Stop mad at me.