The Scathing Atheist - 582: Lettuce Pray Edition

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

On this week’s episode: Indiana rules we have to triple stamp theocracy's double stamp ... Tennessee lawmakers make sure that vaccine-infused lettuce romaines illegal ... And culture warriors will get ticked off by some Easter buns. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Prominent Christians falsely claim Biden chose Easter to honor trans people: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/prominent-christians-falsely-claim Trump vows to create "Christian Visibility Day": https://www.christianpost.com/news/trump-floats-christian-visibility-day-in-response-to-biden.html New York prisoners, led by atheist, sue state in order to see solar eclipse: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/new-york-prisoners-led-by-atheist?r=2uh8q4&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web Tennessee Legislature hopes to protect state's precious bodily fluids from "vaccine lettuce": https://www.wonkette.com/p/tn-lege-hopes-to-protect-states-precious Iceland sparks backlash as it replaces Christian symbol on hot cross buns with tick: https://www.express.co.uk/news/politics/1880056/iceland-hot-cross-buns-tick/ Gesture eggs - Cadbury outlet store criticised over Easter rebrand: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-68673505 Indiana Court Gives Win To Group Arguing Religious Freedom Grants Them Right To Abortion: https://talkingpointsmemo.com/where-things-stand/indiana-court-gives-win-to-group-arguing-religious-freedom-grants-them-right-to-abortion

Warning, if you're offended by blasphemy, definitely keep listening. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new camera accessory for men's rights activists, the Inselfie Stick. The Inselfie Stick. Tilt it down to show off that sweet, sweet neck beard, or use it to go fuck yourself. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hello, this is Senor Petz from the Truth About Turkey podcast, And now, the Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's April 11th. And it's Barbershop Quartet Day. Yeah, and your wives definitely wish you were fucking each other instead. They sure do. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Michael Marshall. I'm Heath Enright. And from Samuel Alitos, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Liverpool, England,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Indiana rules we have to triple stamp theocracy's double stamp. Tennessee lawmakers make sure that vaccine-infused lettuce remains illegal. And culture warriors will get ticked off by some Easter buns. But first, the Eliatribe. Man, did I have a blast at the American Atheist Convention in Philadelphia. I got to meet some wonderful folks doing amazing work within the movement. I ate some excellent food.

Thank you, Reddington Market. But if I'm being honest, the thing I was most excited by at AACON this year was the table and the panel for the Creators Accountability Network. See, when folks had the idea for CAN, we assumed it would be a kind of anonymous hotline, right, where members of our community could report inappropriate behavior without having to worry about legal or personal consequences, where victims of harassment or assault or bias could talk to trained professionals rather than having to rely on a whisper network. And that would have been great, right? And Ken is going to do that. But they're also offering something that I never dreamed was possible

and something that I think won't just change our community, but might make the entire internet better. So there's this truism in professional magic that says, if you want to make a living doing magic, you don't need to be famous. You just need to be the guy for about a hundred people. And the point of this truism is that like being on America's Got Talent and getting on TV, local news, those things are great, but they're not going to pay your bills. Being the first name people think of when they need magic for, you know, give or take 100 people, that keeps you working for life. And on the internet, we call that microcreation. And that's what we are here on this show. And don't get me wrong, I'm odd that we have as many listeners as we do, and I'm lucky enough to make a living doing what I do. But in the grand scheme

of TV shows and YouTube and podcasting megastars, we are very, very small fish in an ocean of content. But there's a problem with microcreation like ours. See, when you start your podcast or your YouTube channel, it's vital you engage with your audience, right? Audiences help you learn, they help you grow, they help you grow, they help you be better, right? And our audience has helped us do all that stuff immensely. But then when you reach a certain size, that audience becomes too big to get good feedback from. And then you add the problems of the social internet to that, and all of a sudden, sometimes overnight, one of your most useful resources as an artist very quickly can become your downfall. So I don't want to call

anybody out, so I'll give you a silly example, but it is true. My buddy used to work in production for The Sopranos on HBO. And he once told me that The Sopranos used to get something like 100 emails every time someone ate meat on the show, right? Vegans, vegetarians, animal rights folks would write in and say, hey, I don't like that your show had dead animals on it, right? And look, obviously, most vegans and vegetarians weren't writing in to complain, but if one in a million people are complaining and you've got an audience the size of the Sopranos, those numbers add up. And I want to be clear, I sympathize with the people sending those emails, right? I wouldn't do it myself, but I find animal cruelty reprehensible and it is easier and kinder to show a character taking a bite of salad than cutting into a steak, right? There is a real and

valid conversation to be had about that topic. But you know who doesn't need to get those emails? James Gandolfini. The problem is, when you're a micro-creator, you are both James Gandolfini and the guy getting those emails. And they don't make you better, right? They make you fucking crazy, right? You can't pull up to your laptop and argue with people about the validity of eating meat on camera all day because one, they're not going to listen, but it's also just going to piss them off and further alienate them from your content. You can't acquiesce to every request and complaint you get because then your content becomes unrecognizable, compromise-filled garbage.

All you can do if you want to stay sane is ignore it, which is bad for you, and it's bad for the people who like your stuff, who want to be heard. It's bad for everybody. And this, this is where can comes in in a way that I never expected. Because not only will can handle inappropriate behavior for those it certifies, but it will also improve the conversation about content as well, right? When we mess up, you'll have someone to talk about it with. Whether or not the complaints are valid, there will be a trained professional who assess whether or not the content violates their code of conduct and will pass that information on to creators. The result, creators get better

and people with issues get hurt. And look, I'm not fooling myself. I know there are still going to be bad actors, right? I got a few emails this week from folks who wanted apologies for my misrepresentation of Gamergate over on Citation Needed. And those guys are going to be as interested in making a complaint to Can as I'm sure Can is at hearing them out. But there are folks sometimes who are hurting, who want our community to do better and be better, who will now have a way to do it. You are the wheat that deserves to be separated from the chaff, the babies in our bathwater. But you can do us one better because Ken is still in its very, very early stages,

and they are still looking for volunteers for those jobs. Volunteers who know our community and want to make it better. So if that's you, hit them up at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org. And I look forward to hearing from you. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the insider and the grease man to my tall, I guess, Michael Marshall and Eli Bosnick. Gentlemen, are you ready to pull off this heist?

Ooh, I'll be Mr. Pink. Mostly because I also have an issue with how tipping works in American restaurants. Yeah. And for the last time, this is Lou Peeth. I get into the safe with seduction and seduction alone. Got it. Noted. And we did like Reservoir Dogs and Ocean's Eleven there.

It's fine. In our lead story tonight, in trans substantiation news. Evergreen. We have a story from last week that we didn't get a chance to talk about on the last episode. On Sunday, March 31st, it was Transgender Day of Visibility. That was the only important holiday that happened that day. So we'll start by wishing a very happy belated Day of Visibility. And despite all the bigots of the world, that visibility remains for all the other days too.

Because fuck the bigots. And speaking of delightful spite, the Christian right community got into a big snit because that holiday occurred on the same day as their made up zombie celebration called Fleaster or something like that. Okay, look, this objection is stupid, but I think we can get a four day work week if we just declare every Friday the trans day of visibility, right? Christians will start adding holidays like mad. It's a perfect plan. They shouldn't even be mad though. Like you'd think that if anyone could get their head around they, them pronouns,

it'd be people who believe in the Holy Trinity. You'd like to think that, yeah. So here's a few pieces of important context. Transgender Day of Visibility has been a thing for 15 years and it happens annually on March 31st. That's always been the date this whole time. Also, Fleaster, or whatever it is, happens on the first Sunday after the full moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox. And apparently, that's considered a very tricky

math problem because they have a dedicated word, computus, Latin for computation, and that's the word for the branch of mathematics that's needed to figure out the date for Fleaster every year. So just to be clear, they celebrate the very important resurrection day of the savior of the universe on a different day every year. It has to line up somewhere close to the Jewish celebration of Passover because that's when they think the crucifixion happened. And this year with Passover starting 23 days after Easter, they celebrated a pre-resurrection on March 31st. Fleaster is very silly is what I'm saying.

Guys, you moved the holiday. Why are you calculating a thing? You have some of the best historical records in history of you making up. Just pick a day. Pick a day. That's what you did. But the thing is, they invented an entire branch of mathematics to try and keep track of when in the calendar their guy died. And people say religion and science are incompatible.

Thank you. Yes. And people say religion and science are incompatible. Here's proof they're not. Thank you. Yes. So the big temper tantrum happened when Joe Biden made a proclamation about Transgender Day of Visibility on March 31st, just like he did on the same day for the last three years.

He said that trans people are, quote, part of the fabric of our nation. And he stressed that we need to, quote, work toward eliminating violence and discrimination based on gender identity. Great stuff. He also made a proclamation about the absurd zombie thing to commemorate Fleaster that day. Oh, he mentioned Easter? He gave it a once over, didn't he? He did mention it.

But sharing a day is persecution. And the Christian right decided that Biden and big trans, I guess, had chosen Fleaster on purpose for spite. The perfect 15-year con! And as much as I support coming up with spite holidays that offend the bigots and making those spite holidays all coincide with Christian

holidays, that is not what happened. Nonetheless, we got freakouts from all the idiots. That includes Donald Trump's National Press Secretary, Caroline Leavitt, who said, this is a years-long assault on the Christian faith. And she demanded an apology from Joe Biden.

Think about how stupid that is. I would be ashamed to yell that opinion at a car speeding away from me in a 7-Eleven parking lot at midnight. speeding away from me in a 7-Eleven parking lot at midnight. And the press secretary of one of the two major presidential candidates said it. We all said it. And the thing is, my absolute favorite reaction was there was the conservative who claimed that Trans Day of Visibility was scheduled for March 31st, deliberately knowing that it would one day share a day with Easter at some point in the future.

So like, yeah, in 2009, they decided they play the long con just to piss off Christians 15 years later, except it also coincided with Easter in 2013, but literally nobody gave a shit at the time. It's only now they care. Yeah. So we also got strongly worded, seething statements from people like Speaker of the House Mike Johnson and, of course, hate pastor Franklin Graham. But the craziest one came from Donald Trump himself, naturally. During a rally in Wisconsin last week, Trump told the crowd that he's working on a double spite holiday that can totally beat up the single spite holiday that ruined everyone's fleece. He said, quote, November 5th is going to be called something else. You know what it's going to be

called? And there's a big pause and everyone's like, no, no, you have to just tell it. You're inventing something. You have to just say it. Trump continued Christian Visibility Day when Christians turn out at numbers that nobody has ever seen before. Let's call it Christian Visibility Day. Look, Donald, I get it. I'd also like to live in a world where Christians are four times as likely to be murdered as their non-Christian counterparts. But this is a weird way to say it, buddy. Okay, you're beating around the bush. I feel like that he thinks there are numbers that nobody's ever seen before slightly higher in terms of his voter turnout.

So here's what I learned. And this is extremely important because I was actually blind to my bias. Own it, own it. Get out there. Let him come. The plight of the downtrodden American Christian person is very real and they demand to be taken seriously. So in honor of that highly persecuted group of people, let's have a moment of silence. And in my clips are sealed news. As you might have gleaned, podcast listener, our very own No Illusions is not on the program this week. And as regular listeners to our episodes know, that means he's either had a heart attack,

someone is ripping all the teeth out of his skull, or a space thing is happening. Well, luckily for us and him, it's that last one, and we're pleased to announce that joining No Illusions in the celebration and viewing of the eclipse this week were six New York prisoners who just had to sue the state in the name of religious

freedom to do it. Yeah, and the judge had to be like, ah, fuck. Fine, you believe in a real science thing, but you're really pushing the envelope about this stuff. It's supposed to be it. Yeah. And the judge had to be like, ah, fuck, fine, fine. You believe in a real science thing, but you're really pushing the envelope about this stuff. It's supposed to be a silly belief. They did. They did. Yeah. So first off, big thanks to Hemant Netta over at the Friendly Atheist blog for this story. Hemant is like the American marsh, an underappreciated servant of the people with a sexual energy that just can't be contained. Oh, so you have seen my LinkedIn profile then?

Yeah, and you're both math teachers and no one knows why. It works out for everybody. Anyway, the six plaintiffs, all incarcerated at Woodbourne Correctional Facility, said that the eclipse was a, quote, religious event that they must witness and reflect on to observe their faiths, end quote. There were prisoners who wished to see what Jesus saw during the crucifixion, one who wished to absorb the vibrations of Osiris,

and another who wanted to pray like Muhammad did. I assume they mean in front of the eclipse and not fucking a nine-year-old girl. Oh, what does my religion believe? Oh, yeah, literally anything that'll get me more yard time, like vibrations and stuff. Oh, yeah. Literally anything that'll get me more yard time. Like vibrations and stuff. Yeah, yeah. As long as they're outside vibrations. Yeah, exactly. Also, we believe in the Bible.

That's a religion thing. Well, the Bible, minus the shape of a rock hammer inside. And a rock hammer. We believe in rock hammers. Yeah, we believe in the rock hammer too. There was even an atheist plaintiff who claimed that he, quote,

firmly believes that observing the solar eclipse with people of different faiths is crucial to practicing his own faith because it is a central aspect of atheism to celebrate common humanity and bring people together to encourage people to find common ground, end quote. Wait, did I do like a Tyler Durden thing where I turned be reasonable into a church and then forgot about it? Is that how I done it? Okay, well, that explains the very aggressive fist fight

that you have against yourself on the Sunday after GED every year. That's true. That's true. I thought you were just proving that you could take a punch by giving one, but this is all coming together. I get it.

Marsh has many drinks that evening and we played pool. Too many. And he's still so fucking good at pool. It was so much better. You also were very, very good at pool. That was a very enjoyable game of pool. It was. And if you come to QED, you can watch them play pool while I

politely offer you poison. He means malort. Don't drink it. It's fun tradition for everybody. Alright, but look, and I know what you're thinking, podcast listener. Those He means malort Don't drink it It's fun tradition for everybody Alright But look And I know what you're thinking Podcast listener Those reasons are all fake And they are

But they aren't any faker Than I need to sit alone In a room with a lowercase t Because my grandma died And so they need to be Equally respected The problem is The Department of Corrections

Had already announced That everyone needed to be Inside during the eclipse And look In the Department of Corrections defense It announced that everyone needed to be inside during the eclipse. And look, in the Department of Corrections defense, that's because it's dark during an eclipse and everyone's looking up. And I get it. But it meant that anyone wanting to absorb

some Osiris vibrations had to sue the government to do it. Oh, you're big into Osiris and his vibrations. Name something. Oh, yeah. Big fan. Oh, you're a big fan. Okay, name something about Osiris. H vibrations name something? Oh, yeah. Big fan. Oh, you're a big fan. Okay, name something about Osiris. Hats.

Fuck, yeah. Okay, he did have a hat thing. Fine. Nice! One out of a hundred. You can watch this stupid show. All right. Well, as I said,

there is good news. As I teased at the beginning, the six inmates in question reached an agreement with the Department of Corrections and Community Supervision, and they were allowed to watch the eclipse while everyone else was in lockdown. Because if anything is always true

in our sweet, sweet country of America, it's that stupid ideas should come with special privileges. And in Tennessee's salad news, Tennessee figured out our plan about creating a neurodivergent army by dosing everyone with vaccine lettuce. And we might have to rethink our entire plan of global domination. The Tennessee legislature passed a new bill last week that throws a salad fork in the whole thing. It says that food containing a vaccine or vaccine material is going to be officially defined as a drug for the purposes of the Tennessee Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act. Why would we even be vaccinating their lettuce? You know, no reason, just cause. Okay, cause lettuce is what we call remain lettuce in the UK. And making the code switch like this is technically a microaggression. It's true.

This is an unsafe work environment. Talk to Tim. Stop mesclun with Marsh. And a big thanks to Jacqueline for the link. Scathingnews at gmail.com. Spinach. So the new law is actually the second time in the last month that we got foiled by the savvy Republican lawmakers of Tennessee. Just a few weeks ago, they proposed a bill that's going to ban our chemtrails. We're still going to be able to release clouds of mind controlling vapor at like 30,000 feet.

But now we're going to have to redraw the flight maps to go around the sides of Tennessee. And there's going to be a pocket of highly intelligent freedom fighter patriots to deal with. And now with the salad vaccine getting blocked, they're all going to have way more preventable diseases right in our face. So here's the reasoning behind the new bill that we got from GOP State Senator Frank Nicely of Strawberry Plains. That's seriously his full name and his name and where he's from. Like he's going to tell the Care Bears about sharing. He said, quote, I've been reading about data for a couple of years now. Going to stop you right there, Frank,

nicely of strawberry plates. And evidently, with this new technology, they can raise this stuff so cheap, I guess he means lettuce, and mass medicate everybody like they do with fluoride in the water.

Honestly, I should have stopped him at I've been reading, that's on me. Should have stopped him. Right, but he's been reading about data. So he's not familiar with the actual statistics, but he can extensively quote the metadata. Right, or the existence of data, perhaps. Yeah, when they were collected,

who collected them, that kind of stuff. Important stuff like that, yeah. He continued, I mean, who could control the dose? If you eat a lot of lettuce, you're going to get a lot of mRNA. If you don't eat any, you won't get any. That sounds like controlling the dose to me. It does. It does.

And they're actually talking about other vegetables. And my question is, would this have to be sold at a drugstore? Would you still buy it in a grocery store? How is that his first question? First question. Very strange focus. He continued again. We don't have any idea what it's going to do to our children.

I mean, to us and old people, anything? Sick. I mean, is this stuff locked out of a science fiction movie? Sick. Sick again. Everything going okay over there? It changes your DNA. mRNA changes your DNA.

When you have your DNA tested now and you eat a bunch of this lettuce, take a bunch of these mRNA vaccines and you go back and you get your DNA tested now and you eat a bunch of this lettuce, take a bunch of these mRNA vaccines and you go back and you get your DNA tested again, it's going to be a little different. It's not going to be the same as it was when you were born with that you got from your parents. This is dangerous stuff. We need to study it. Probably need to outlaw it. I mean, I can't imagine, end quote. Okay, I think the parts of that statement that I agreed with were,

I don't know and I can't imagine. So common ground, common ground. But it sort of sounds like he thinks that if you eat the lettuce, then your DNA would like slowly turn into lettuce DNA or something. Like you're going to start photosynthesizing and growing big leaves,

making yourself look like your favorite variety of lettuce. I believe that's called cosplay or salad dressing. Brilliant. Well done. Nope. So during the session about the bill, the GOP sponsor, Joey Hensley, was explaining his motivation and he got a question from a sane person. So this was fun. Democrat Heidi Campbell of Nashville was curious about what the fuck are you talking about? She said, do you know of any instances of there being food offered in the state of Tennessee that contains vaccines? Is there a retail spot for that? And Hensley responded, long pause, I do not know of any examples. But then he added that they

are working on it. Right. I don't think there are any Jews in the Tennessee House of Representatives, but if there were, when he said that, he tilted his head in that person's direction, just so you know. The thing is, I think I'm pretty sure the they he's referring to here is Bill Gates, because I've seen this viral claim knocking around. And that means Tennessee lawmakers that get all their policy ideas from just widely debunked viral conspiracy memes, which is not correct. Okay. To be clear, Joey Hensley has no idea who they are beyond maybe guessing at Bill Gates. But there is a real thing in science about trying to develop an edible vaccine, which is a really good idea. It would have several advantages, including a lower production cost, no need for a cold chain of distribution, and a lack of needles.

But nobody's sneaking it into the lettuce on a Big Mac where Tennessee Republicans get most of their vegetable consumption. That being said, I think we should do that. We still have 49 states to work with. Let's get some vaccine lettuce going. Yes. And in gesture politics news, it's Easter. That's a double pun. We'll come to it.

We'll come to it. We'll get to it. It's Easter, which means another installment of a sadly annual tradition, which is culture warriors desperately looking for seasonal signs of Christian persecution. Yeah, you know what they say? First, they came for our dead lion full of honey. But I did not stand up because that's gross. OK, we're still bringing a dead lion full of honey to Greg Locke's church, though, right?

Like test his piety. Absolutely. Of course. Yeah. But also all this makes sense, right? Like, test his piety. Absolutely, of course, yeah. But all this makes sense, right? Because Easter is a public holiday, so right-wing figures who want to pander to Christian voters have had two full days off work

that they use to hunt for signs that UK is no longer giving enough deference to Easter. I mean, look, Jesus got three days off. Would it kill you people to match him? I'm just saying. So this year, there were not just one, but two confected tales of confectionery outrage to scratch the persecution itch for Christians. First up, there was the news that the supermarket Iceland was selling hot cross buns without a

Christian cross baked on the top. And instead, the current filled Easter treats would feature a tick sign on top like a goddamn heathen. Okay, so for our U.S. listeners, Marsh means a checkmark. I, too, was picturing the blood-drinking bug and was very confused. I was picturing the red concentric circles of Lyme disease on top. Sure, yeah. And here's the thing. You do not want the baked goods at your supermarket looking like they have Lyme disease while Eli's in the country.

That's true. They're already soft. So this very obvious and definitely, definitely very real attack on the foundation of Christianity did not go unnoticed with the Reform UK MP and man trying to speed run every political party before he retires, Lee Anderson, accusing Iceland of virtue signaling by obscuring the theological denomination of a sweet breaded snack. Okay, Iceland doesn't need to virtue signal. They just are having a virtue.

That's just being virtuous, Lee. Also, it doesn't matter what shape is on top of your dry ass bread with shitty raisins inside. That's not virtue signaling anything. That's no, there's no virtue in there. Okay, hooker spoons are delicious though. What? Absolutely insane. That's not virtue signaling anything. That's no, there's no virtue in there. Okay, hot cross buns are delicious though, but never mind. What? Absolutely insane.

That cannot be correct. They're amazing. They're a great breakfast snack around the Easter time. They're like someone forgot a good cake somewhere. Eli almost won't fuck one. He'll get close, but not quite.

Don't go that far. Now you've made us seem silly. So Lee Anderson told the Daily Express, quote, it's this type of ridiculous namby-pamby virtue signaling that's leading to millions of people echoing Reform UK's call to get our country back, unquote. Wow.

This is just like how everyone wants to vote me out of office is a weirdly direct projection for the Tory party to have. Sure, but he's right because this very minor change to the surface of a fairly niche baked good is absolutely the reason why we need to take back our country from the oppressive forces of, what, snack decoration deviation, I guess.

I mean, whatever gets the vote out. Am I right, Marsh? Yeah, fair. So bring back the Szechuan dipping sauce at McDonald's and then cancel it. You'll have a mob big enough to get you back into the EU right away.

You're good. So Iceland, for their part, have explained they haven't like succumbed to Sharia law or the woke mob or whoever Lee Anderson thinks would prefer a tick on top of their bun. They've just launched these alternative buns as a trial alongside the regular torture device themed buns to see if customers just fancy to change this time. And we do not fancy a change. Again, learn from McDonald's. They got rid of the fried apple pie in 1992,

started baking them. And I am still very angry. You can change stuff, but there will be blood. I think about it every day. The fried apple pie was so good. It sounds disastrous. A fried apple pie was so good. It sounds disastrous. A fried apple pie. Why would you fry an apple pie?

Because it's even better, Marsh. Marsh was technically a pie at that point. Hey, Noah, how was the week off from the show? What did the guys do? They started the show, okay? Then about 30 minutes in, they argued about fried apple pie for 17 more minutes.

Don't come for the hot cross buns first. We are taste argued about fried apple pie for 17 more minutes. Don't come for the hot cross buns first. We are taste testing a fried apple pie versus your shitty, dry-ass current bread. We'll just set up a table at QED for a fucking skeptical experiment. Who wants hot cross buns and who wants a deep fried apple pie? You know exactly how that's going to go.

Michelle Marshmallow. Moving on, you know, stand down Christian soldiers, but don't stand down for long because we also found out that the chocolatiers cabris have gone woke

by renaming Easter eggs gesture eggs specifically a two-fingered gesture in the direction of the Christian faith apparently

and this cannot stand as Tim Deep from the Christian Concern Group explained he said because Easter eggs are a, quote, clear symbol of the Easter story, unquote.

And so this is just evidence that Cadbury are trying to, quote, erase the connection between Easter and eggs. He told the Telegraph, it seems very odd that somebody would want to try and separate Easter from eggs. Once you do that, you lose the meaning of the eggs, unquote. Okay, that's nonsense. But also, I'm pretty sure Cadbury changed the recipe for the cream, and I'm mad at them too for changing stuff.

We need to stop being angry at confectionery. We've got a show to get through. Come on, come on. Also, they've made like so many statements that show like, here's the formula. We did not change the cream. It's still the normal cream. So when he says that,

you know, about losing the meaning of the eggs, presumably any sane journalist and therefore no one at the Telegraph. Not the Telegraph, yep. Right, but should have asked, what meaning? Thank you. There isn't a meaning to Easter eggs,

or at least not a Christian meaning to the eggs. When Jesus came back to life, he didn't have to like crack his way out of a giant egg that had formed around his corpse like a chrysalis. And it isn't that the Bible were just like burying the lead on exactly which giant oval-shaped object had been used to seal the tomb. It's just that Easter was a pagan spring festival, and the eggs are just symbols of spring. That's all it is. Exactly. Also, Christians have been complaining that eggs have nothing to do with Easter for the last couple thousand years. Yes. Next, they're going to be telling us about their deep spiritual connection to plain red cups. And of course,

Cadbury haven't stopped overtly associating their chocolate eggs with a festival that has become specifically about buying chocolate eggs. It's just that one store, which isn't even run by Cadbury's, put up a single promotional sign saying gesture eggs and Christians have wildly overreacted. As Cadbury's very patiently explained, quote, all Cadbury Easter eggs sold in the UK reference Easter very clearly on the packaging, sometimes multiple times. Cadbury has used the word Easter in our marketing communications for over 100 years and continue to do so with our new Easter product range to claim anything otherwise is factually incorrect,

unquote. Adding, though, honestly, anything that moves the conversation away from these things are super obviously filled with cum is a win for us. So go off, everybody. Go on. Yeah. And the old cum was better. Still being factually incorrect isn't going to stop right wing culture warriors from jumping on this bandwagon, which is why we got to see failed MP and the racist cousin that toed from Wind in the Willows no longer invites to family gatherings, Nigel Farage, eating a chocolate egg as an act of deserty defiance.

Because if you're going to do gesture politics, you might as well do it with a gesture egg. Okay. Marsh has included a photo of this tweet in our notes. And not only did they forget to put anything on the green screen behind him, but someone very clearly had to bite the chocolate egg for him,

like an infant photo shoot. If kidnappers sent this photo as proof of life, I'd ask for another. Also, just for the record, there's a photo of Nigel Farage holding what could be the bottom of a very giant ship, and there's a green screen

behind him. So, somebody go ahead and get some Heath points, get creative. Get some Heath points. Get in there. And finally tonight in putting the sin back in sincere news, we're all out of endings to the sentence. That would be like if we did blank to make theocratic assholes look and feel silly. So from now on, we're just using those things as our actual arguments. And this week, one of them actually worked as an Indiana appeals court upheld an injunction

for plaintiffs arguing that their religious beliefs entitled them to an exemption from the state's near total abortion ban. Cool. So now we've got a Schrodinger's fetus scenario going and every uterus has like a rickety vial of quantum poison inside. Maybe this is a really stupid impasse and we all just have bodily autonomy. Like even the uterus having people. Even the uterus people.

Yeah. So big thanks to everyone who sent us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. I'm sad that we're trapped in this bad outcome universe, but at least we're trapped in it together. So yeah, here's the story. The lawsuit was brought by a few individuals as well as the group Hoosier Jews for choice. And look, I know Hoosier is like a fun nickname for Indianans, but it feels a little light-handed for the moment.

Just a thought. Yeah, I mean, in the context, it also seems like a comparator. These are Hoosier Jews. There were previous Jews who were only like a little Hoosie. And then somewhere out there is like the Hoosiest of pro-choice Jews.

Yeah. Oh, I want business cards that say the Hoosiest of pro-choice Jews. And in Hoosier daddy news. I think there's something there. Oh, brilliant. Nice.

Brilliant. Anyway, they brought a lawsuit saying that if Christians don't have to let other people get abortions because of their god they should be able to get abortions because of theirs and the court bought it because that's how lower courts are supposed to work with one justice saying quote legislators an overwhelming majority of whom have not experienced childbirth nevertheless dictate that virtually all pregnancies in

this state must proceed to birth, notwithstanding the onerous burden upon women and girls. They have done so not based upon science or viability, but upon a blanket assertion that they are the protectors of life from the moment of conception. The least that can be expected is that the remaining Hoosiers, again, weird place to use that word, of childbearing ability will be given the opportunity to act in accordance with their own consciences and religious creeds, end quote. Okay, so it's like the court basically ruled, look, we know this is bullshit, but apparently that's how this all works now. So we might as well just lean into the bullshit. Yes, it's literally the ruling. Pretty sure God actually loves abortion.

That's not the best angle for the argument, but I guess, you know, whatever works. We'll take it. Yeah. So while this injunction is in place, the ruling has been kicked back down to a lower court so that it can be limited there because, and I'm not making this up,

the council for the state complained that the injunction would allow plaintiffs to get abortions that aren't dictated by their religious beliefs. Oh, you guys don't have a sincerely heldometer? You don't have one of those? Do any of your shit make sense? Yeah. So like I said at the beginning, we are now plum out of ironic examples. So it looks like we're left with no choice but to once again put 30 seconds on the clock for the name of our new pro-abortion church.

Go. Oh, Gestations of the Cross. Excellent. How about the Unitarian Womb-averse-a-list? Oh, yeah, that's pretty solid.

A front church could read, and on the third day, the womb was empty. There you go, sure, yeah. Amnopaganism. Amnopaganism. Ooh, I love it. Getting out there.

The Order of St. Francis of a Plan B. Nice, yeah. Sacred Heartbeat Bill. The Blastocystine Chapel. Can we do buildings? I had to switch. First Faptists. Mephipriscapalianism.

Yeah! Our Lady of Perpetual Employment Careers. Our Lady of Perpetual, I do whatever the fuck I want. Get away from me. Oh, yeah. All right. On that note, we're going to close out the headlines. Marsh, Eli, thanks as always.

G-monji. And when we come back, we're going to learn about the magic of white wax. Christian movie makers are inspired to do their job for many reasons. Sometimes they want to highlight an important tenet of their faith. Sometimes they want to show you the consequences of being a dirty heathen. And of course, other times they want to delve into the very important apologetics about timeshares. into the very important apologetics about timeshares. So that's what we're going to focus on today with our latest installment of God Awful Minis.

So Marsh, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched The White Candle. It's the inspired by true life story of a mortgage broker who collapsed the world economy entirely, but then prayed her way back into personal prosperity because the message that she took away from the Bible was that Jesus just loved him some moneylenders, essentially. It is a confusing message.

And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you love the genre of something good happened to me, so those kids in Africa probably just didn't mean it hard enough Christian testimony, but you feel like the good and bad days of muggers don't get enough time in that limelight, you will love this movie. Yes, you will. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I've got to go straight in with best, worst, sympathetic main character.

The lady that this movie is based on was a predatory mortgage broker who lost her job during the 2008 crash that she and the people in her industry caused. Like in real life, the actor? No, no, the lady it's based on. So like the one who wrote it, it's like a... Oh, it's the story.

It's an autobiographical story. Yeah, yeah. True story, yeah. She's got a YouTube channel and everything about how she's now this great realtor again. But in the middle, she went on to make ends meet by being a timeshare salesperson. And she attributes the fact that she got back to prosperity and have loads of success to the secret and manifestation. And then she also said that she got married to her husband on their first date. Actually, as their first date was their marriage.

Honestly, she could only be less sympathetic if the movie opened with footage of her drowning a bag of kittens. It really is that bad. I was going to go with best best how to. This movie is mostly a how to for praying, which is just wishing for stuff. And the characters seem very confused about how that might work. There's a lot of questions about the process of how to pray. It's craziness. Yeah. In a related note, I'm going to go with best worst miracle. The denouement, the money shot, if you will, of this short film is so fucking depressing. We'll talk about it when it happens. It really is. All right, let's get right into it. So we

start with a cold open on fake Kristen Wiig. Right away, I was like, is that actually? Kristen Toupet, if you will. Yes, I had a less convincing Kristen Wiig, Kristen Toupet. Yeah, absolutely. Ah, there it is. Oh, Kristen Toupet. Yeah. Yeah. I, there it is. Or Christian Toupet. Yeah. I'm sorry, I stole your joke, Marsh. He wrote it down. He wrote it down. I thought I was inventing it, but I just read it. I moved it to the top and ended it. I did this to Heath once. He has never forgiven me.

Yeah, so Kristen Wiggle Room, she's trying to pray, but she finds that concept very confusing. And she's like, yeah, nobody taught me how to pray, but she finds that concept very confusing. And she's like, yeah, nobody taught me how to pray, but I think it's just wishing for stuff. I pray that I'm praying right. That counts, right? You have to let me now, having said that, pray right. Imagine needing to be taught the right way to do wishful thinking. You just think wishfully. That's basically it. That's it. That's it. And then we cut straight from there to her job,

which is selling timeshares at a place called Viage Travel Group? I have no idea. I was on tenterhooks as to how they were going to pronounce that. It's V-I-A-G-E. So it's like Viage. Is it real?

It's like they're bluffing at Scrabble. I think they just came up with something. They don't say it at any point. They literally do not say it out loud. It's very disappointing. And we should point this out that timeshares, especially the kind of timeshare sales they're doing right here,

are a scam, right? And look, I know there are people out there who are just like, I want to go on vacation, the same place for more money every single year. And like, good, good for you. But like, for the most part, the consumer of timeshares are people who get scammed into timeshares. So we're going to start with our protagonist throwing three-card

Monty for passers-by essentially. Oh, yeah. It's like, isn't it an industry that's such a scam that an entire industry sprang up as to how to get you out of timeshare agreements. And then that industry itself became a scam. It's also a scam. an entire industry sprang up as to how to get you out of timeshare agreements. And then that industry itself became a scam. It's also a scam. Scams all the way down. Okay, I did enjoy that

the people who come in to be pitched are not getting scammed. They're just like, yeah, we'll take the free two-night stay that you're offering. We'll just take the free stay. Well, no, I'm going to try to say, shut the fuck up. Two-night stay. I want the two-night stay. And then they get mad about it. The salespeople are like,

people keep taking two nights stay. This is bullshit. They keep taking the free thing. Yeah. We're supposed to sympathize with them. We're supposed to be like, I don't think those people were open to the amazing opportunities presented at Bougerge after all.

Yeah. I mean, they are failing at fraud. That's technically good in some sense, but they don't know why it's good. So they're talking about that. And then all of a sudden, Jesus Christ of Nazareth shows up. Yes. And he looks very silly.

Okay. I never understand this. Why do they put Jesus in these movies in modern sandals? That's not more relevant to the Bronze Age than jeans and a t-shirt. They're always like, sandals, just like Jesus wore. And I really wanted Jesus to just be there

for the free two-night vacation. And they've got to offer him a cozy tomb with a lovely view of Gethsemane or something. Because he likes a two-night vacation. But these two salespeople, it's Sharon and Kate, right? Sharon's the main character. Yeah.

And so they start arguing with each other about who has to take Jesus for the sales pitch because apparently they each have two strikes. And in this job, if you don't sell three people in a row on the same day, you're fired, I think. Right. And I looked that up and that's real. Because I wrote a joke, isn't that ridiculous? That can't be true. And then I looked it up and it was genuinely true.

That seems untenable, right? They would go through the entire human population at that job. I have no idea how it's possible. But from what I saw, there was some place to have that rule. Now I just want to keep going into those and be like, nope, nope, nope, you're all fired. Nope, nope nope nope nope you guys have to shut down you have no more sales people come back in in a mustache i would like to hear about this time share opportunity but jesus assures her that he's not looking for a timeshare he's he's actually offering a timeshare

to her that she literally can't afford not to buy, which is heaven. Yes. And there's this amazing moment where they're kind of scamming each other, right? And both the actors are like, our lines are similar. And she's really surprised

because he comes up and he knows her name. She's like, how do you know my name? But imagine being surprised that a stranger knows your name when you just gave a timeshare presentation to a bunch of strangers and you've been chatting to strangers all day. Yeah, she gets confused about way simpler things than that,

but definitely that too. So God's message via Jesus here is that like she is loved. God's a big fan of timeshares and she's going to be fine on money she just needs to uh have faith and he says i need you to go get a white prayer candle specifically a white one and pray to god and you'll be fine now keith marsh while jesus the son of nazareth uh the nazarene and the newborn God, is talking to her. Does she pay attention the whole time?

Well, she would, but she's accidentally plunged underwater at one point from the sound effects. She's having some sort of stroke. I can't quite tell. She's playing Candy Crush, sending out tweets. It's so funny because all of a sudden...

She spaces out while Christ's message is being delivered to her he won't want yeah like charlie brown's family universe all of a sudden he sounds like he's you know stuck in a locker full of water or something after getting bullied yeah also question does god say no to prayers if it's a different color prayer candle? Is that the way it works, according to anybody? Must be the mythos. Must be part of it. Yeah, I think so.

We are presuming from this movie that, like, if she had gone home and gotten a blue candle, he would have been like, fuck it, let her kids starve. Or is it like variants of, what if it was like off-white or eggshell white? Does she have to get, like, a color chart out to see just how white this candle is? Exactly.

Or whether it's going to count. What about before candles were invented? Or before white die? Like, like Marsh was saying, exactly. God's just sitting up there being like, invent fucking candles, idiots. Maybe I'll do a prayer for you. Weird. So that scene ends and she walks outside of her little office and she gets on the phone with, I guess, her boyfriend or husband.

The first thing he says, she explains that like, yeah, I was just talking to this weird, like guy who thinks he's Jesus maybe. And the boyfriend or husband is like, why would a Jesus guy talk to you? That doesn't make any sense. Yeah. He says, why would he, why would this guy talk to you? You don't know what to believe, which is also, or you don't know what you believe, which is such a weird thing. Cause apparently this lady must just make her lack of conclusion just a regular topic of conversation with people in her life just regularly. Yeah, so she explains, yeah, this

Jesus guy, he wants me to buy a white prayer candle. What does that even look like? The guy on the other side of the phone is like, wow, you're fucking dumb. Okay, you know colors? One of them's white you know you know cylinders the shape it's like that yeah and then he just explains yeah you just

light it and pray and she says i wouldn't even know where to start yeah it's not that difficult like light it and pray we'll start by lighting it pick up a lighter, go to the top of the candle with a sticky outfit. That's where you'd start. You can figure it from there. In my head, I was like, wow, she's going to get fucking weird with a prayer candle because she has no idea what to do with it. And we also learn here that she has hardly any money to even buy a prayer candle. She's sitting in her car now trying to figure out if she has enough money for gas and she's fumbling for like change in the little cup. She has exactly $1.68. So this confused me a little because I thought my prayer candle, she meant the ones that you light at a church. So you go along to a church and you can just like pick one up for whatever donation you get. You can

just go along and get that. So just give them the smallest coin you have. Because there's a friend of mine does that whenever she goes abroad to like visit cathedrals in cities, she always buys a candle at the cathedral, but puts in the smallest denomination currency available in that country for that candle to like very slowly, like make the church make a small loss on each candle. That's right. Slowly seep away.

Economically untenable. I will just, now I wait for a long time. Exactly. Only $999,000 trillion. Okay, so she drives away and she pulls up at a gas station, which has a convenience store. She walks in and the first thing she sees are blue, yellow, and red candles.

And she's just like, yellow and red candles. And she's just like, fuck. Ah, magic's not going to work. Why does this store have such an extensive magic candle selection? It's got three aisles in the entire store and one aisle is completely given over to magic candles. Yeah. Welcome to America, Marsh. Welcome to America.

Yeah. Also, I have to talk about something that doesn't matter to the movie, but matters to me. The absurd body check out of nowhere. They have arranged for an actress to bump into her and be like, oh, sorry, but that never matters and that person never comes back. So why did they have that? I have no idea. Is it meant to be an angel? Because she couldn't find the prayer candles and then she got body checked and then she's like, oh, they're right here. Into the candles.

Yeah, basically into the candles. Yeah, yeah exactly but the body check was facing away from the candles okay maybe it caught her attention it was it was hitting the the angle okay that's very well oh maybe it's a spin check okay i love the idea that god's in heaven and he's like shit she didn't see the candles gabriel get down there i am fucking invested in this well she was too stupid to know how to buy and light a candle. So she really does need to be spoon fed on this entire process. Yeah, no, sure. Yeah. And by the way, she gets body checked into that second dedicated section for prayer candles that they have. The magic white ones are separate in this spot. So she can find the good magic stuff. Yeah, just right underneath the bottles of hand soap, you've got all the magic candles.

And she like picks one up. And I thought she was gonna like turn it and read the back of it to like compare the flavor of Jesus to a different candle to see which Jesus does she want. In the end, she goes with eye roll Jesus, a classic of the genre. Sure, sure.

And then she takes it up to the counter and the guy brings it up and she has exactly the amount of money that she needs for one rare candle. So to be clear, they're in California. I actually looked up sales tax ballpark. The candle was a dollar fifty seven plus tax, apparently. But it's such a dick move because now she's got zero money. God could have said literally any amount less than every penny she had,

and she'd have been better off. And who set this store's pricing policy? Oh, yeah, this candle is $1.57 is specifically the price of this candle. Hey, Chris, are you rolling a series of randomized dice in a vacuum to price our objects again? Also, if she was short on the money, she would like maybe go to hell.

Is the message here? Yeah. Jesus floats down. Let her use the penny tray, guy. Come on. I see you pulling it away. The candle's 175. Jesus comes down from heaven.

Offer to suck him off for it. Offer to suck him off for it. And also, like, just going through the real story. I watched the lady tell her real story that inspired this film. The reason she had so little money,

she said, is because she drove a gas-guzzling Humvee that got like 10 miles to the gallon. So, like, she had no money because her car

took so much gas she couldn't afford to get anywhere. That's why she was so out of money at this point. That's a sympathetic character. She's going to claim

she doesn't have enough money to feed her child, but she owns a Humvee? Seriously? Yes, correct. Yes. That was what she said. She's rolling coal

while she explains that they can't have any Christmas presents that year. Okay, so she gets her magic candle and then we cut to back home and she takes it out and she's like, oh, I bought a candle.

And she goes over to her fireplace to light it. Yeah. And she just has like the lighter just lying around at this point. And apparently that lighter is set to flamethrower because she clicks it and like the world's largest flame just shoots out of it. I wanted the lighter to be out of fluid so bad. And she has to go back to the convenience store. Be like, can Jesus blow you again? I just, just quick, small, take a small bit, whatever.

But yeah, she puts it in the fireplace and she lights it. And then she prays. She's very bad at it. She's like, hello, God today, stupid. I've decided to believe in you for a minute to help my very fraudulent career. And then she mentions that she can't feed her son tomorrow, even though she owns a Humvee. Yeah. She's like, I feel like that last couple was really close to the sale. And if you could really just have them talk it over and come back.

Oh, also, I'd like to feed my child. I can't emphasize that that is a second priority for me. And it's a really minor thing. But the dialogue she's given us here is the dialogue from the opening scene, but now she's delivering it like kneeling and we're watching her from an angle that would usually be labeled P or V. Yeah, and she's talking differently. So they shot this multiple times and they were like, no, no, we have to keep both.

I love both of these takes so they don't line up their cold open with getting to their cold open. The first gonzo Christian movie, everybody. So then we cut to, I think, the next day and she's looking at a mortgage past due thing to make it extra scary. Just for context, she lives in Diamond Bar, California. We can see her address on the top of the thing. Average home price there, I also look this up, $1.1 million. So not a lot of sympathy.

Although credit to the movie makers, at least they remembered not to use their real address on the letter. So that did put them ahead of most of the films that we reviewed. Ahead of most gams, for sure. And they also pan over to show that she recently got fired from her job. She was the VP of something. Marsh's research tells us she was the VP of predatory loans at some shitty firm. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. But she's the vice president of this company. How is she impoverished?

It's been so recent that she hasn't unpacked the box or she's only just been sacked from being the vice president of a company. And yet all she has to a name is $1.68 those vice presidents at mortgage companies they're living paycheck to paycheck not all of us not all of us have the dosh to toss around like you math teachers and skeptics maybe she took a loan from herself and got fucked on it shit i repackaged myself with a bunch of empty houses. Oh, no. Hoisted by my own batard. So she's all sad and then she makes a phone call. Whoever it is doesn't pick up. But then she gets another call

right away to her. And she picks up and she says, hello. Like it's a fucking rotary phone from decades ago. And the guy on the other end, Patrick, is like, hey, you

know, it's Patrick. Why would you say hello? And then I have to explain myself. This is weird. Turns out Patrick is her former boss and he has a job for her. He has like one more amazing loan deal that she can do and get the commission from. Yeah, it's a million dollar VA loan and she'll get a $20,000 commission on it. Right. And it has to be done in exactly two weeks. That's not a dramatic amount of time. I think you could probably work out the details of a loan within 14 days. But like the way that they're pitching this, he says like it's a loan that nobody else has been able to get done yen. So he does say yen. I've checked it like five times. They leave in him saying yen rather than yet. Absolutely ridiculous. But they're making it out like she's the only person who

can work out how to deal with this. And they're trying to call her in like they're coaxing a hit man out of retirement for one last job. Right. Exactly. Only one woman could get this done in two weeks. Come on. You were a predatory lender. You had like a drive through little kiosk for making loans. Get out of here. Yeah. Also, just to be clear about the big context, the best plan from the God of the universe was one last predatory loan with a commission. That predatory loan for a veteran. Yes. That's God's plan. Also, she lies. He says, like, who are you working for? And she lies and says, like, Wells Fargo. So, like, her plan here is to just lie about who she's working for

and handle this loan. And that just never got found out. That feels like a very short-term lie that is going to pretty easily fall apart. But they chose to include it in the movie, right? Like, she was writing the script and she was like, oh, and I should point out I endangered someone's livelihood and household based on my inexperience.

Got to keep that in the film. Yes, because she even says like when she hangs up, she's like she's never done one of those loans before, but she's going to just like wing it and work it out. It's like Jesus Christ. And you wonder why the economy of the entire world crashed because of you. Like me being a DJ. Just ah. Yeah. So she's going to do the loan deal.

And then we cut back to Viaggi headquarters. And she wants to talk to her receptionist to get the contact info for the Jesus guy. Yeah. She comes up and she's like, I'm trying to get an info for the guy. I wanted her so bad to be like, his last name should be Nazareth or of Nazareth. I'm checking her O. Right. But the receptionist is like, hey, Sharon, you didn't have a third person that day that you're referring to. I don't have an of Nazareth.

I don't have a third person at all. Right. And then she stops her coworker and she's like, hey, you remember Jesus of Nazareth who came into her office? And she's like, no, I didn't. Which, again, like I'm sure is something that actually happened. So maybe she didn't remember or maybe pregnant lady doesn't want another strike for the thing she knows she'll be fired for. Sure. So obviously that like the degree to which this actually happened is like some random guy walked in, said something weird to her and left. And she's made her entire personality about it. And her friend is just gaslighting her because she doesn't want to get fired. And that's become

the whole purpose of this miracle movie. Right. Right. So big mystery. Don't know what happened. She goes back home again and they show the check that she got for her commission for like twenty six thousand dollars. But they showed for a decent amount of time. They couldn't find a fake check. So they have a real check from the film production company that made this. Sure do. They just sort of scribbled other numbers in pen

over both the routing number and the account number. Just to be clear, the routing number is a publicly known code for Chase in California, but the account number. Just to be clear, the routing number is a publicly known code for Chase in California, but the account number matters. And I definitely know the account number for this shitty costume film company because they didn't scratch it out good enough. We're not saying you should commit fraud. We're saying if you're going to commit fraud, we know where you should commit. Yeah, that is very fair.

Right. So she looks at that. She's very happy. And then she walks over to the candle in her fireplace and it's still lit. So it's been lit like at least all day

while she was at work and she came back. No, it's been weeks because- Or 14 days. 14 days. Did they get confused about what religion

they were doing and the candle burned for way longer than it should have done. Fuck, did we do Judaism? Cut. All right. Oh, now we did Judaism again. Okay, but honestly, having the house burn down and she gets the insurance money would literally be a better plan from God. Insurance fraud would be more ethical, I think.

On a house worth a million dollars, yeah, absolutely. She could go, like, move somewhere with a slightly more affordable house. Yeah, and the kid

could have some food. All right, well, now that we can sleep soundly knowing that Christian predatory lenders and timeshare salespeople are going to be fine because God loves them,

I guess we can wrap up another God Awful Mini. And that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. be fine because God loves them. I guess we can wrap up another God awful mini. And that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We're back in 10,022 minutes with more. You can't wait that long. Be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And an even newer episode of our half sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Big thanks to Marsh, big thanks to Eli, and of course to all the Patreon donors, new and old. The new ones

will be peppered with praiseful panegyric plaudits pertaining to plenteous prodigal podcast patronage presently. And if you're feeling financially benevolent like those fine people, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, and that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you don't have the money for giving away money, we get it. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review,

telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. you're afraid to debate me marsh afraid afraid of the truth i'm afraid of what you would bring up as the truth. It's the bigger issue. Still not the craziest person on that show. Me as a cat who can only be seen by Michelle Bachman.

Like not even top five, I think. No, that is absolutely true. Yeah. Oh, God. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.