The Scathing Atheist - 585: Underpaid Edition

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

In this week’s episode, English Sikhs establish a court without all those pesky laws to get in the way, GOP lawmakers in Oklahoma wanna punch disabled kids to save capitalism, and Eli will tell you what to buy your mom for Mother’s Day if she sucks. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- Headlines: Catholic hospital group ordered to pay $200 million in stolen wages: https://religionnews.com/2024/04/26/providence-catholic-health-care-system-to-pay-more-than-200-million-for-unpaid-wages/ The world’s first Sikh court opens in London: https://religionmediacentre.org.uk/news/the-worlds-first-sikh-court-opens-in-london/ Christian lawmaker thinks teachers should be allowed to hit disabled students: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/christian-lawmaker-says-teachers Tucker Carlson goes on Joe Rogan and says there's no evidence for evolution: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-13340809/Tucker-Carlson-no-evidence-Darwins-theory-evolution.html https://www.christianpost.com/news/6-highlights-from-joe-rogans-interview-with-tucker-carlson.html

Warning, if you don't want profanity in your podcast, it's already too late to fuck off. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Aura Frames and by the new jet fuel powered saunas for 9-11 truthers. Jet fuel powered saunas. How about y'all motherfuckers put your money where your mouth is? And now, The Scathing Atheist. Farnsey Worthius. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Farnsey Worthiest. I dreamt I wandered in an antique land to find two vast and trunkless legs of stone. The feet were in the thinnest slip-on shoes and shrouded in a lab coat, legs alone. Yet on the pedestal these words appear. As a professor, I assure we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Nothing beside remains. I slowly wake. With earbuds snug in place, I assure we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Nothing beside remains.

I slowly wake. With earbuds snug in place, I push to play, and Heath growls in my ear, It's Thursday. It's May 2nd. And it's the National Day of Reason. Right. Nice to hear we're still getting one day a year. Right.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. And from Michael B. Jordan's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, English Sikhs establish a court

without all those pesky laws to get in the way. GOP lawmakers in Oklahoma want to punch disabled kids to save capitalism. And Eli will tell you what to buy your mom for Mother's Day if she sucks. But first, the diatribe. I have what you'd call a heavily curated social media feed. You might not have noticed, but I'm a pretty high-strung person. I tend to get pissed a lot.

And the old ticker just doesn't take that like it used to. So I have my social media taken with a big dollop of yeet. I had a friend reach out the other day, right? I haven't seen you in years. So happy to talk to you. So glad to have you back in my life. I accepted his friend request. First post I saw from him was some I don't care about your pronouns bullshit.

So I yeeted him. And yet, despite this excessively pruned online experience, I'm still constantly inundated with Christian propaganda. And I'm not talking about ads here. Sure, AdSense sees me watching Christian movies on a weekly basis and perusing Christianity today every other day. And it naturally assumes that I want to send Bibles

to North Korea or whatever. I can ignore that. And I'm also not about the christians who infiltrate my online defenses and send me dms about how hellbound i am i can make those motherfuckers wish i'd ignored that the christian propaganda that i'm talking about the stuff that drives me so fucking crazy comes from atheists it mostly goes like this yet another christian leader gets caught raping children and an atheist shares that news with a caption like doesn't seem very christian to me some christian school kicks a kid out for having gay parents and an atheist says so much for christian values huh christian gets busted using the slave labor of unhoused people and the atheists say not very christian of them is it but isn't it

given your personal experience with christianity what could possibly be more christian than a slave driving a homophobic child rapist that's peak christianity and yet even atheists often act like there's some higher standard that christianity naturally occupies some transcendent rectitude that it gets to claim regardless of what it does. And this would be bad enough if all we were doing was perpetuating the idea that Christian is a reasonable synonym for moral. The fact that churchgoing is a stand-in for ethical in America is plenty of the reason we suck as bad as we do, but we're doing more than that. When we say things like this, we're also conceding that the world would be better if people were just, you know,

all properly Christian about things. Now, you might think you can rescue this kind of bullshit by subbing in the term Christ-like, but that's no different. Implying the world would be better if we modeled the behavior of Christ is just another road to Christian supremacy. And it's also a boon to Christian propagandists who might have trouble sanitizing Christ's image if we didn't keep helping them out.

Because look, the Christ of the Bible is not a great moral teacher, no matter how many atheists concede as much at the beginning of debates. Christ was petty, divisive, bigoted, and cruel. And yes, Christ says some good shit too. Everybody says some good shit now and again, but we often act as though the core message of Christianity is be good to other people. That's just another bill of goods we've been sold by apologists. To the extent that Christ had a core message, it was, I am a living God and you should worship me. And if there was a secondary message, it was the world's going to come to an end any second. Be good was at best

tertiary. I mean, I don't agree with much of what I've read in mere Christianity so far, but C.S. Lewis nailed at least one thing. Jesus can't be a good moral teacher and not be God incarnate because the main thing that he taught was that he was God incarnate. Hell, even when he was teaching morals, he wasn't all that good at it. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. That's the fucking live, laugh, love of moral philosophy. What's worse, it's just a rephrasing of something that was already in the Hebrew Bible. Leviticus 19.18 says, love your neighbor as yourself. Unless that's God telling you to jerk off your neighbor once or twice a day, that's pretty much the same thing Jesus said, isn't it? So what literally actually did bring to the table

wasn't even original shit. And even if you were inclined to ignore all of that, cherry pick the best parts of Christ's teachings and argue that we'd be a better society if we just followed those parts of Christianity, I could always rebut that argument with all of Christian history. Thousands of different denominations have convinced themselves that they've nailed Christ's teachings where everybody else went wrong. And all thousands of them failed miserably when it came time to actually not suck. The idea that there's some magical combination nobody's hit on yet isn't just naive, it's delusional. Whenever you fault a Christian for not being Christian enough or not being Christ-like, you're helping to perpetuate that delusion. To be Christian is to be Christian, to do what a

Christian does, to behave as a Christian behaves. And in my experience, that has nothing to do with being ethical. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the dollars and cents of this show. Heath nickel they're talking about your jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the dollars and cents of this show heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to make some change yeah i want to make it rain can uh can anybody break a one heath i'm paying toddler bills i just signed a petition to bring back the hay penny yeah right right oh speaking of which we need to open up with a quick reminder it's May and that's the month that we spend reminding you that if it wasn't for our patrons we couldn't spend this much

of our lives making entertainment for you there has never been a better time to make a donation at patreon.com scathing atheist we'll tell you more about matron a little later on in the show and with a quick reminder of the other way that we pay our bills, and a reminder that patrons get ad-free episodes, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Aura Frames. Welcome to typical flower shop near Mother's Day. How may I help you,

Robby? Sorry, what? What you want? Will you want flower? Right, sorry. I wanted to get my mom a really awesome gift for Mother's Day. Ah, so you'll get her A flour? Right, sorry I wanted to get my mom A really awesome gift For Mother's Day Ah, so you get her Aura frame No, I was going to get her

This little bouquet For $600? Oh no, $6000 Is missing a comma Great, I guess not then What's an aura frame? It's the digital picture frame Every mom is sure to love.

They come with unlimited storage and an easy-to-use app. You can even set it up while it's in the box, so all mom has to do is plug it in. So no finding the large piece of paper

she's written the password that came on the back of her router on? Exactly, my friend. Great. Right now, my accent changed, Aura has a great deal

for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift, Mamma Mia, by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame, don't you know? That's A-U-R-A frames.com.

Use code SCATHING at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. All right. Thanks. How much for just this one flower? I'd still really like to get... The blood of a pure white boy.

Get her one flower. We have a deal? We do not. No. I'm not pure. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, if you ranked all the institutions in the U.S. by how much harm they've caused in the country, no doubt both the Catholic Church and the U.S. health care system would make your top five, if not your top two. same entity as is the case with washington-based providence health and services one of the largest catholic health care systems in the nation which is why it comes as no surprise to anyone to learn that they are fucking dripping with evil shit most recently exemplified in a verdict ordering

them to pay more than 200 million dollars to employees whose wages they'd been stealing for years. Okay. Silver lining, usually they victimize the patient and now they're diversifying? The American healthcare system is like a tricky word search for the person who's not being fucked over. Where are they? Shareholders. So yeah, so quick reminder that if you're really worried about crime in the

u.s your chief concern should be wage theft according to the economic policy institute u.s workers are robbed of about 50 billion dollars a year in stolen wages and this dwarfs the amount lost to robberies burglaries and car thefts in this country combined. Yeah, and the wage theft doesn't even count the anti-union lobbying bullshit, fucking scab piece of shit. Torture's okay sometimes. It's okay to torture some people. Two votes.

Scab fuckers. Baseball bat. And apparently Providence Health and Services has been doing their part to keep that number high. According to the jury in a class action lawsuit against them, the company systematically underpaid workers by rounding down their hours and deducting meal breaks that they weren't given. The jury ordered them to pay $98 million,

but the judge found the violation so obviously systemic and willful that he doubled the total. Okay, love the double up from the judge. Great stuff. Also, I feel like the management of Providence Health or whatever it's called, they should have to get all their medical care from doctors and nurses they stole from. Yes. The wages that got stolen.

Until they die somehow. I don't know. Right. Until they die. Around their neck, letting them know who they are. Yeah, exactly. Right. I just can't believe that these people had the audacity to fuck with a nurse's

page. Are you crazy? Are you? I would rather single-handedly fight my way to the Ayatollah of Iran than move a nurse's Danon in the break room fridge. May God have mercy on your souls, gentlemen. May God have mercy on your souls. gentlemen. May God have mercy on your souls.

Fuck is the blueberry. Imagine how Eli spelled the word Ayatollah and then envy the patrons who can check the show notes, actually, and see. That's right. No, of course, the vicar's in charge or whatever still refused to admit any wrongdoing and

vowed to appeal the verdict. They even seem to half-ass pawn the problem off on the union in their statement. They point out that their employees benefit from, quote, robust union representation, end quote, as if to say, look, us not fucking them over is the union's job, if you think about it. Yeah, if you don't want to get punched in the dick, don't wear those robust pants all the time.

That's on you. Yeah. The fuck? But this scandal is far from the only one that plagues Providence at the moment. They're also in the habit

of fucking over low-income patients who qualify for reduced-cost healthcare. According to a lawsuit from Washington AG Bob Ferguson, quote,

they train staff to aggressively ask for payment for patients who are likely eligible for financial assistance or simply billed them without determining if they qualified, end quote. They ultimately agreed to forgive over $150 million in medical bills in association with that suit. Okay, have we tried driving a stake into their hearts?

I feel like I've heard that's helpful in this situation. Well, and look, as Alasia Hertzler McCain points out over on Religion News Services, Catholics are very proud of their so-called ethical and religious directives for Catholic health care services. It's a document they flash around every time they need to deny somebody abortion services or gender affirming care. Super important to them. Except the parts that say every Catholic health care provider needs to, quote, treat its employees respectfully and justly, end quote. Or the one that says they should, quote,

distinguish themselves by service to and advocacy for those people whose social condition puts them on the margins of society, end quote. Funny how the parts where they have to

actually do good stuff, you know, the justification for them being in charge of our hospitals in the first fucking place, manages to be so unimportant in practice. Huh. Lots of pre-existing blind guys got rejected by Jesus. It's just part of the system. Well, Keith, it wasn't that they were rejected. They had to cover the first 4,500 eyes on their own.

Right. But then it was all covered out of the out-of-socket deductible. Deductible. Out-of-socket deductible. Yeah, no, that's very good. That was good. He said over and over again.

Oh, I missed deductible, though. That's good. Okay. Out-of-socket deductible. By ball, deductible. How did you guys like Matreon this weird? Well, you know, I thought it went a little off track when they just started screaming their puns halfway through the first headline.

And in seek of your bullshit news, as we look around the political state of the world today, I think we can all agree the problem is that religion does not have enough power. It doesn't make enough laws. It doesn't establish enough social conventions, and it especially isn't in charge as often as it should be. Well, jolly old England is remedying that situation as the world's first sea court opened in London this week. Can you just call your own court? Is that a thing? Like we could invent a religion and Marsh can just start up a court for that in England? Yeah. Okay. So you might be wondering.

You call them so fucking hard. Right? Love this. Exactly. You might be thinking to yourself, wait a second, Eli. I didn't realize religions got to set up their own judiciary in England. And podcast listener slash my co-host, neither did I. This is apparently the remit of the Arbitration Act of 1996, under which anyone, legally qualified

or not, can sit as an arbitrator so long as both parties agree to submit to the same set of rules. And apparently, Muslim courts and Jewish courts have already existed under this law for decades. Okay, so yeah, that feels dumb. But if both parties in a dispute are just agreeing to the same silly magic arbitrator, I feel like that's okay. That's on them to deal with silly magical consequences, whatever. If it doesn't replace real court for real violations of the law, that's just like a branded mediator right which means

we can start our own branded heath loophole court as long as we can sell it right and half of the brits plus one bought brexit so how hard could that be exactly we're gonna figure this out yeah and if you're wondering to yourself why a religion would want to set up its own court, that's right, you guessed it. It's because real courtrooms are too darn lawy and not well-versed enough in magic rules, which I think we can all agree are just as important as the laws we've established as a society. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay, so it's like the Supreme Court of the United States, but Sikh instead of Christian. Yeah, right, right. I get it. By the way, listener,

if you're wondering why a religion seized a power, I'm afraid we're going to have to send you down to a remedial atheist podcast. You might not be ready for this one yet. Yeah. So let's actually look at an example the court gave for its existence. Quote, in one case, a Sikh couple who had separated were in dispute about cutting their son's hair. The mother wanted it short while the father applied for a court order for the boy's hair to be kept long. Under the tenets of their faith, baptized Sikhs, also known as Khalsa, pure, do not cut their hair. In this instance, the parties could not afford an expert to provide evidence in the court, which ruled in the mother's favor as the primary care of the child.

Okay, the real court got it right. Exactly. So there's not a good reason for a magical alternative to the right getting that they got. Like, if it was an apostate mom, which it sounds like it might have been, she could just not agree to the magic mediator that's now there, right? Or the dad could just have purer kids, right? Right, exactly. Come pure, exactly. And look, the defenders of this thing are already hemming and hawing about how these courts are really just acting as mediation and how they're going to take the pressure off civil courts. But

as we've seen with religious courts, both in the UK and the illegal ones in the US, what happens a lot more often is like rapists get off with a slap on the wrist or sorry, a magical slap on the wrist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Because look, some people enter into these courts willingly. Sure. Yeah. And a lot of people do so not to piss off grandma or because they're women and women don't really have power in their subculture, right? Having the religious alternative guarantees that people will get pressured into using it even when it's to their disadvantage. So just a reminder, religious accommodations are never reasonable under any circumstances.

They are defined by their unreasonableness. And they are only moral when they don't impugn on anyone other than the believer, which they almost always do because otherwise it doesn't need to reach the courts. Right. And anyone who tells you otherwise wants official governmental exemptions for pretend. Well said. And from the spare the rod department tonight, it takes a special kind of person. To look at a rule that allows school teachers. To physically abuse students. And think to yourself. Alright but what if I want to hit a disabled kid. And that special kind of person.

Is a Christian lawmaker apparently. Because that is precisely the question. Oklahoma State Senator. Shane Jett raised. Guess which party he's in. He argued. Into the congressional fucking record, no less, that to deny teachers the right to hit children with disabilities would be not just

unbiblical, but also communist. That's right. I believe it was Karl Marx who said from each according to his disability to... We're punching kids. We're punching kids. We're punching kids. He does. Karl Marx said that. Well, actually, no. I'm sorry.

Not punching kids. That's the communist bit. So here's the backstory. In Oklahoma, it's legal for teachers to hit their students, apparently without parental consent even. The only exception is students with such serious cognitive disabilities that it's unlikely that they even would know why they were being hit. Well, last year, a lawmaker in Oklahoma set out to expand that list of exceptions to all children with disabilities. And if you're wondering why they didn't just do

all children. No hitting children. Yeah, that would have been great. Right. Well, I should remind you, this is a Republican bill. But despite some opposition from the disabled child abusing wing of their party, which they have, they did manage to get the bill through. Right. And if you're as horrified by that as we are, I want to remind you that the lawmakers who voted for this believe the best way to change someone's behavior is by hitting them. So do with that information what you will. No, that's on the record. Yeah, that's theirable. That's their voted belief. So look, so when the bill went to the Senate, for timing reasons, it languished for almost a year.

But then they took it up again this month. And despite the fact that the bill was guaranteed to pass, this asshole Shane Chet decided he still needed to speak on behalf of child abuse in a doomed effort. In a speech on the Senate floor, he lamented that Big Brother was taking away this, quote, motivational tool, end quote, from teachers. He cited Proverbs 13, 24, the spare the rod verse.

But he also explained that the very idea of not hitting your kids comes from Dr. Benjamin Spock, who, quote, was a socialist who ran for the people's party okay that means he's a communist and all right this is a confusing system for democratic socialism which kids are we supposed to hit i don't understand how it goes uh the jewish ones heath read a newspaper so yeah so so jed conceded that it made sense not to abuse some disabled kids but deaf kids are you fucking kidding me actual quote from a speech that was written down this wasn't just off the fucking cup he had written this down on a fucking piece of paper and was reading it to us

quote if you are hearing impaired suddenly you're in a different class you cannot be disciplined are we sending a message that we don't love our children end quote adding quote at the end of the day you're looking at socialist slash communist principles versus biblical principles end quote when can i punch a deaf kid i don't understand when can you do that anymore i'm telling you i count to three they don't react at all this is the only way people no thank you because they're deaf right hearing impaired no so okay so the silver lining is that despite the communist nature of not smacking around blind kids the bill did pass with a 31 to 11 vote the 11 no votes all of course came from christian republicans who would apparently be more comfortable with drag time story hour if with a 31 to 11 vote. The 11 no votes all, of course, came from Christian Republicans

who would apparently be more comfortable with drag time story hour if the drag queens occasionally beat the kids up. We will update this story for you the next time any of these 11 Republicans try to use protecting children as their reason for banning books about American slavery, though.

Promise you that. And finally tonight, in the origin of specious news. Nice. Fantastic. Joe Rogan did an interview with Tucker Carlson last week and the universe almost swallowed itself into a white

hole of idiot white guy-itude. If you noticed you know, like, ignorance-themed anomalies in space-time, it was probably them during their interview. Right. During that three-hour discussion, they talked about a wide range of important issues

that everyone wanted to hear about from Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson, including gender theory, nuclear weapons, artificial intelligence, espionage, UFOs, and, of course, evolutionucker carlson denied evolution shocked shocked i tell you okay so the fact that this conversation exists and that people wanted to listen to it it's all very terrible and depressing but we can take at least a moment to appreciate the fact that tucker carlson had this moment in his life where he realized that going on some dude's podcast

was actually a really big break for him. Right? That moment right before where he realized that, that's nice to reflect on. And every dollar you give us, this matrion, prevents us from realizing

we're in almost exactly the same position, podcast listener. And a big thanks to Jason for the heads up about this interview. Scathingnews.gmail.com if you've got stuff like that. Super helpful.

So they started the episode on the topic of UFOs. Just for the record, this was the first of six, quote, highlights that were mentioned by The Christian Post in their article entitled Six Highlights from Joe Rogan's Interview with Tucker Carlson. in their article entitled, Six Highlights from Joe Rogan's Interview with Tucker Carlson. So in terms of UFOs, Tucker is pretty sure they're piloted by supernatural beings, the supremely evil kind, if you're curious, and they're in league with the U.S. government.

He started by proving that UFOs are real by mentioning their appearance in the book of Ezekiel, QED. And then he explained how he has a bunch of evidence from top secret military people about the evil alliance with the supernatural aliens. He can't say who those people are in the military or show us any of that evidence, but it's definitely real real and he explained that every supernatural alien is either supremely good or supremely evil because because because he said that and the u.s government is working with just the evil ones no word on where the good aliens are or who they're working with but that's how it works right so. So, okay. But a quick, quick way to know a Christian hasn't read the Bible. They base their arguments on the book of Ezekiel, right?

Reminder, he's the scroll eating guy that bakes bread with his poop. Yeah. They might as well be quoting from the book of DSM five. Right. Yeah, exactly. That was a bad using the Bible to prove something just then. Yeah. Yeah.

Really bad. So you might be wondering what supernatural means and also where the evil aliens are hiding on Earth right now. Don't worry. Tucker explains it all very clearly. He said, quote, they've been here for thousands of years, whatever they are. And it's pretty clear to me that they're spiritual entities, whatever that means. You're the one saying it.

You can't, whatever that means, the thing you're saying. I'm not sure what I'm saying right now. Joe Rogan, ask him what he means. He's saying that. Yeah.

Tucker continued, they're supernatural, which is to say, supernatural means above the natural. Sure. It's not what that means. They don't. And they don't behave according to the laws of science as measured by people. And there's a ton of evidence.

They're under the ocean and under the ground. So with that fact set sick, what do you conclude? End quote. That you shouldn't be trusted with your own fucking shoelaces, man. And just for the record, the correct answer from Rogan

would have been, what do I conclude? I conclude, this interview, you're an idiot. I can't believe I platformed you. But of course not. Next up,

they did a quick transphobia section because there's a checkbox for that, apparently. Yeah, nice to agree. TLDR, it was stupid and wrong. And then Tucker explained how he wanted to get fired by Fox News. He wanted to do that after he cost them $787.5 million in a settlement with Dominion Voting. From there, they got into a discussion about AI, but it got violently derailed because the word evolution is sometimes related to AI, and Tucker Carlson got so distracted, and he launched into his evolution denial rant.

They're talking about the evolution of AI, and Rogan kind of jokingly said, if evolution is real. And that's when Tucker Carlson interrupted to say, is it real? And that started a terrifying scenario in which Joe Rogan had to be the voice of reason for a discussion. In response to, is evolution real? Rogan said, I don't know, which is a really bad start.

Continue though. But it's visible. You can measure it in certain animals. And then Tucker responded, quote, you can measure adaptation, but there's no evidence that evolution, in fact,

I think we've kind of given up on the idea of evolution. The theory of evolution as articulated by Darwin is like kind of not true, right? End quote. I have a bountiful collection of listener submitted quotes that would beg to differ, sir. Okay. I know this is redundant to say about Tucker Carlson, but imagine how willing to lie about the absolute basics of human experience

and knowledge you have to be to say that sentence, right? He might as well have said, he's pretty sure they know the sun is fake these days. Might as well have. Yeah. Same, same thing.

And here's the probing pushback from Joe Rogan. He said, in what sense in response to that. And Tucker continued by claiming that life did not evolve from a single-celled organism because we don't have a perfect fossil record of every single life form since the amoeba. He said, quote, there's no evidence at all, none, zero, that people evolved seamlessly from a single-cell amoeba. Noba No there's not I don't know Nobody said anything

And he yelled no there's not in the middle of that There's no chain in the fossil record of that End quote He also added that Darwin's theory is called a theory So this doesn't count So omnipotent genocidal ghost is the answer Is where he landed And I'm not exaggerating

This is the official scientific view at the end of this from Tucker Carlson. Quote, God created people distinctly and animals. To see if Adam wanted to fuck any of them, if I recall correctly. Right, yeah. But he didn't, so he needed a rib and some mud. Anyways, I'm a scientist and I'm pretty sure

we've figured out this whole evolution thing isn't working out. And quick before any of us can reflect on the fact that this story represents the absolute pinnacle of our profession, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too much. And when we come back, we'll find out where people who think smelling like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina is sinful, get their bullshit. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Eli Boswick.

I'm Heath Enright. And I'm Noah Lusions. Like so many of you, when Noah Lusions had a heart attack this year, we here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm had to face a world without him. Aw, you guys. And we realized you have given us way too little money. That's right, Eli.

If Noah dies tomorrow, and he very well could, we are very truly fucked. That's right, Heath. And that's why there's Matreon, the one month of a year when we ask you to sign up to give us money on any of the Puzzle in a Thunderstorm podcasts over at patreon.com. But guys, listeners don't need to be worried about your financial devastation to become a patron during Matreon.

Oh, they don't? They sure don't. Patrons of our podcast get all kinds of bonuses, from bonus secular episodes on cam to extended episodes of every single scathing atheist and much, much more. extended episodes of every single scathing atheist, and much, much more. Plus, new and upgrading patrons can help us reach our goals of fun stuff to do at the patron-only Pajama Party livestream, like songs from Anna, magic from Eli. And...

And... If we have enough new and upgrading members, we'll do one of... One of Eli's bad show ideas. Hell yeah, we will. One. We will do one episode of one bad show idea.

It's a start. Once. So if you've been meaning to throw us a buck or two, we'd be really grateful if you did it this month. And you can check out those goals at matreon.com.

That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. Is there a goal that involves putting stuff in our butts? Yes. Now, what do you say, guys? Can we get back to the show? Sure. Absolutely. But seriously, you have to help. I did not have a resume before I was

a podcast interviewer. I said we're getting back to the show. Fine. I'm coming. Being a Christian means settling for second tier everything they've got second tier movies second tier music second tier books museums amusement parks video games toys wrestling leagues chewing gums breath mints etc which means it's only natural that they have their own second tier online site to buy their second tier shit. That place is called Public Square. And we're going to take another look at what's on offer today. So, Eli, what have you publicly squared away for this episode?

Is that what you've written for me to say as your intro? It's wordplay, Noah. You love wordplay. I did. It's not wordplay. I'm not sure you know what a word is. love wordplay. I did. It's not wordplay. I'm not sure you know what a word is. Anyways,

regular listeners to the show will remember that almost 20 episodes ago on episode 566, I introduced our program to the self-proclaimed Amazon for patriotic Christians, Christian patriots, and people who like paying for cheap shit made by lunatics. And with

Mother's Day right around the corner, I figured they could do with some shopping recommendations. All right. Well, what do we have up first? All right. So I figured I'd start with the insultingly stupid blue ribbon mama bundle box.

Okay. Here's the description. Quote, Mama knows best, and that's why she is the best. Give your award-winning mom a box with all the fixings to make Mother's Day sweet

as pie. Oh my god, if this description was any more corn-ponent, it would have gravy on it. It's like me trying to write for Lucinda in a sketch and she has to be like, I don't talk that way, man. A greeting card is included, so you're 100% ready for Mother's Day with one simple bundle box.

Expert tip, this bundle box pairs perfectly with a fresh-picked bouquet. Well, then you're not 100% ready, you fucking assholes. I like that you're B-wording bundle box. Bundle box. You got to try it. Blue ribbon mama bundle box. Say it and tell me you don't want to hit all the people in your life with an open hand. Eli, I do.

And also, I'm so curious. What's in the Blue Ribbon Mama Bundle Box? All right. So what is in the Blue Ribbon Mama Bundle Box, you ask? Great question. It includes one 8x10 matching floral art print. Value? $24.

Okay. That's $24. Okay. That's not how value works. You don't get what I'm saying. Although not how matching works. It's one thing that matches itself. You can't start with matching. It's not like whatever combustible atoms, right? Things to fetch notepad value $10.

Seriously? A notepad is a gift? Perfect for listing some of the free labor that you do for everybody all year. I got you a pad for that. Yeah, right. Are you supposed to fill it out for her first? Gross. Spring Azure Butterfly stir sticks value $24.

All sticks are stir sticks. You couldn't just say blue sticks and put value 24 next to it with a straight face. So you did this, but I'm on to you. What verbs can I do with this flat, straight thing? What's cooking good looking recipe cards value? $12.50. Okay. I actually looked at the site. It's such a tiny little recipe cards. Value? $12.50. Okay. I actually looked at the site. It's

such a tiny little recipe card. It's like eight index cards for $12.50 apparently. It's like just enough space to write, I don't know, microwave a hot pocket, you lazy piece of shit. You gave me a to-do list. I'm sorry. Is there a single item on this list that doesn't reinforce

mama's servitude in some way? That would be the world's best mom ribbon greeting card value five dollars don't ask and answer it okay there you go the lowest value one was the one that doesn't reinforce the servitude yeah but wait there's more again i'm quoting from the description here quote a fun bonus you get to choose your mom's favorite flower for the print hydrangeas is pictured. A gift message option inside the greeting card and envelope. Calligraphy is available if you're shipping directly to mom.

Make it extra fancy. You can add on a forget-me-not enamel pin and or a set of the Overthinkers Club pencils for a perfectly curated gift. Classic idiot mom always having thoughts, overthinking it, writing stuff. Dumb. If you are shipping

directly to mom, your order will ship the end of April. To be clear, listeners, this is what it said on May the 1st. My mom would fly out to Detroit, drive to Ann Arbor,

and beat the fuck out of me if I sent any of this. Fuck, as well she should. Yeah, the servitude gift box. Yeah, she's very strong. And look, the Public Square Mother's Day collection has a lot of the insulting and ugly shit we've expected from most shopping websites when it comes to mom, right? There's cheap, ugly jewelry, a bunch of necklaces with the names of your kids on them for moms that have memento disease, I guess. And of course, some spectacularly ugly

swan-shaped plates. Swan-shaped? That seems impractical. You got to see these things. Really put in the time. They're pretty awful. Can you stir with the swan plate? Probably not. Maybe not. Yeah. But through Christ, all things are possible, including new levels of tackiness. Like a garden flag with a picture of a pig on it that says,

clean and shiny through Jesus. What? Or a doormat that says, saved souls inside. Sorry, do Christian people think they're shiny? Right, yeah.

And we're matte? What the fuck is happening? I could see deploying that matte strategically, though, right, in Georgia. Maybe save souls inside who already know who they're going to vote for and don't need a security system or solar panels, right? I'll be honest, though, that lawn stuff, way less offensive than I was picturing when you were like, what could you put in your lawn as a front

no yeah no that's fair that's fair I didn't search for lantern in the site so I could be wrong

right yeah okay I'm gonna move on from the tchotchkes in a second and this next one's not even Christian

but I do have to talk about the text of one of the Mother's Day magnets on offer because I think about it 10 times a day. Quote, the bond between mother and son lasts a lifetime. The bond between mother and son is a

special one. It is the purest love, unconditional and true. It is a friendship based on mutual love, respect, and a genuine liking of each other as a person it is knowing that no matter where you go or who you are there is someone who truly loves you and is always there to support and console you it is a gift held in the heart and in the soul it's just a nice magnet with a lot of truth on it i like that one no i, all I'm saying is if genuinely liking each other as a person, as a prerequisite, I was fucking adopted. You guys remember when

we invited my mom on and she told everybody I wasn't really an atheist? Yes! Thank you! You'll eventually get there, have you? Or are you still pretending? He's questioning. He's questioning. Is he a seeker? Is your mom a big fan of meat, but she also thinks Anthony Fauci is an agent of Satan?

Well, then why not grab her a box of meat from Dude Foods? Yikes. Which promises on its front page of its website, no hormones, 100% American meat, top quality cuts, free express shipping, and no mRNA vaccines in their products. All right. Hate to break it to you, anti-vaxxers.

We are shedding spike proteins all up in your meat. All over. Constantly. Nothing you can do about it. Love doing that. So here's the scoop on that according to their sourcing page. Quote, our no BS standard. We would never sell anything our farmers wouldn't feed their own families.

That is why our meat is free of any mRNA vaccines, growth hormones, antibiotics, fillers, or whatever other stuff gets put into meat today. It is clean, homegrown, natural meat,

the way God intended. Oh, the way God intended. So burned upon the altar with scarlet dyed wool, high sop and cedar wood while you sprinkle its blood seven times in the direction of the temple. Yeah, exactly.

And pure natural spring water carried by a cave child must be provided. Yeah, exactly. How many hairs were askew on these cows? I need to know. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. If your mom's more into carbs,

then why not try a product from Cousin T's whose byline on the fucking website, I shit you not, is the pancake mix the left can't cancel. Oh, fuck you. They're talking about Aunt Jemima, I'm pretty sure. Right. And by cancel, they mean not at all canceled. Antropomus is still 100% in business, just with a different name. And they don't use a racist archetype as their mascot anymore. And they chose to do that. The business chose that. It was a free market self-cancel, but not cancel. They're still in business.

Yes. So stupid. Also, we're not successful enough for public outrage to matter that's a weird flex weird flex yeah well it's appropriate because cousin t is none other than internet comedian terrence williams i say comedian because that's not a legally protected term i had no idea who that was i looked him up on google it said people, people also search for Carrie Lake and Charlie Kirk. And I was like, yikes, swipe whatever the bad one is. It might as well have an ad for a J6 defense lawyer on the same page.

Jesus. Yeah. So for those of you unfamiliar, like Keith here, Terrence gained national renown for his trip to the White House during the Trump presidency. for his trip to the White House during the Trump presidency. And his personal website sells a t-shirt that says, I identify as a conspiracy theorist. My pronouns are told slash you slash so.

And another, by the way, Terrence is black. And another that are mugshots of former President Trump and Martin Luther King next to each other below the caption Freedom Fighters. You got to read between the lines, but letter from Birmingham jail, it was a lot like Stop the Steel Cuff Fifi. Most people never make a connection, but those people are very

similar. Oh, remember Covfefe? You guys remember when they tried to retcon that post-COVID and say it was a secret code that meant that iron was going to save us from COVID? That's right. Iron supplements. Because F-E?

Exactly, yeah. That's so stupid. Message from Q right there in the tweet. But that would be just iron iron. What is that? Yes, exactly. COVID iron iron. Oh, diatomic iron? Okay. I did what I could, Q okay i did what i could q i did what i could and of course you know no trip to the public square would be complete without a batshit coffee company enter promised grounds whose about page includes a section like this quote divinely inspired coffee

oh really i hope you're not overly grandiose in your description. Yeah. We approach each step of the process. It's not divine coffee. It's inspired by the divine. Right.

It's not going to go all the way. They're hedging it. Imagine, imagine reading this and thinking that it isn't something someone says as they're being

lowered gently into a cop car. Divinely inspired coffee we approach each step of the process with respect and care because we're not simply trying to operate within the boundary of any government's law we're operating within god's law stop resisting we know that at the end of the day, we report to the highest authority. End quote on their actual opening page. All right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are they implying that God sends people to hell for not making coffee good enough? Seems to be. By the way, my born again cousin sent me this coffee. He did, yeah.

And it was really good coffee. I was so fucking mad. It's really good. But don't worry, guys. They're also doing charity work, by which I mean they preach to people dying of thirst. Let's learn about their ounce-for-ounce promise. Quote,

We answer every ounce of coffee with clean water for learn about their ounce for ounce promise. Quote, we answer every ounce of coffee with clean water for those who need it. We promise. And I know what you're thinking. Okay. Like clean water is important. Ep, ep, ep, ep, ep. Continuing the living water. Oh, there it is. With God's living water, we can grow a global community of responsibility and grace. That's what's important to us. I can't hear you. You're already in the car. I shut the door.

You're in the car. He's knocking. He's kicking the back. He's kicking the little divider thing. We partner with Missions Kick and Churches Kick in various parts of the world. And to date, we've already committed millions of gallons of clean water to the thirsty.

This is our mission. Yeah. Notice they said committed rather than sent. clean water to the thirsty. This is our mission. Yeah. Notice they said committed rather than sent. Or we should say missions, plural, because the way we help involves mission trips to Central America and soon Africa. It's important to us to not only spread god's word but also his love and his intention through our partnerships with filter producers and local faith organizations our missions spread his living water okay so it's not so much a water charity as an interrogation room with a missionary detective the the bad cop, and they have conditional water, maybe.

Yeah, exactly. It's a conditional water charity. Now, remember when you'd fall and scrape your knee as a kid? Well, nothing made it better quicker than a kiss from mom. That is until you get her the Pocket Doctor Blends 2 Keychain Kit

for her essential oils. Oh, yeah. No, the good news is when your medicine doesn't work, you don't have to carry very much of it. You can use a very small amount. With labels like Boo Boo Glue, Lighten Up, Zen Turd, Inches Away, Loosen Up, Swat Team, Jump Start, and Zip Zap, mom will have everything she needs for the nothing that essential oils do. But now on the go. Okay.

A keychain with a literal barrel of crude oil would be way more useful than any of that shit. And probably do pretty well on their site. Yeah, exactly. What was SWAT team? That one didn't, like, the other ones are like... I think it's supposed to be bug repellent. What's inches away? Interesting. I didn't, like, the other ones are like, I think it's supposed to be bug repellent. What's inches away? Okay.

Interesting. I thought that was like, oh, you almost got it but you missed and so you failed. Oh, okay, fantastic. Here we go. Speaking of wooey moms, let's conclude with some stickers that make your water magic. Specifically, a 12-pack of Flower of Life decals from

Pitcher of Life for just $8 and 88 cents okay i feel like somebody put a nine pack on the site and got in huge trouble i'm sorry okay so to be clear that is 74 cents per sticker i have watched my wife with her granny spend five dollars on stickers and come away with trillions of stickers. Like scientific notation size numbers of stickers. Yeah. Well, let me explain the science over on their website titled, Harnessing the Power of the Flower of Life Sacred Geometry Symbol,

colon, Enhancing Wellness with Energized Water. All right. Alkaline water lie in three minutes maximum. Yeah. Clock is set. Quote, water, the essence of life, holds profound significance beyond its chemical composition. It's a vital force that sustains life on earth. But what if water could be more than just hydration?

What if it could be a source of vitality and well-being for just the price of a cup of water a day you can buy a sticker well a small fraction of a sticker and then yeah not a whole then you gotta save up for for the water again but hydration is a source of vitality and well-being what What do they think hydration is now? Yeah, exactly. Enter the flower of life, an ancient, sacred, geometric symbol revered across cultures for over 6,000 years. It's just circles. It is just circles.

Comprising overlapping circles, forming intricate patterns. I mean patterns. This symbol represents space and time's fundamental forms. Circles. But its influence goes beyond mere aesthetics. It holds the key to unlocking water's holistic benefits. For just the price of a compass pencil, you can ignore us and do the stupid circle thing for yourself.

I feel like you would blur it out in these photos, right? I could just print out this promotional photo and tape it to my water bottle and boom, you're fucked out of your 888. Exactly. Continuing, Dr. Masaru Emoto's groundbreaking research

on structured water shed light on the transformative power of the flower of life. Through microscopic photography, Dr. Emoto demonstrated how water molecules can manifest into harmoniously structured shapes when cleansed of energetic contaminants. This led to the concept of flor de vida, where water attains a six-petal flower shape, aligning with the geometric brilliance of the flower of life. Okay, just to be clear, that's the guy from What the Bleep Do We Know?

Yes. Who had pictures of happy water and angry water and pensive water, whatever bullshit he came up with. He would shoot emotions at the water and then he'd freeze it. And then he'd be like, you can see the corresponding emotion in the ice crystals. In one of the studies he did, they tried to really quantify the concept and you know make hard science about water emotions and um in that study ice happiness was determined by a panel of judges deciding how beautiful the crystals were in yep beauty ice units my favorite part is the end of that study they had to admit that the people carrying

out the experiment might've been fucking up the results by accidentally shooting units of happy or sad or pensive into the test water. And just for the record, if you have any doubt at all, James Randi offered Masaru Emoto a million dollars if he could reproduce the experiment. He didn't even need to prove that water was happy because that's absurd. Right, yeah. He just had to show a predictable change to ice formation in any way.

That's it. Randy never heard back. He just didn't want the million dollars, I guess. My favorite part, though, is that the water emotions guy is named Emoto. Right? I'm sorry. It's also worth noting that that makes this bullshit sticker scam on EmotoCon.

Fantastic. Now, you might be asking, why does Flor de Vida water matter? Great question. Let's read on quote. Why does Flor de Vida water matter? Great question. Let's read on quote. Why does Flor de Vida water matter? Our brains composed of 93% water are intimately connected to the quality of the water we consume. Flor de Vida water offers more than just hydration. It detoxifies the body and rejuvenates the mind, promoting unparalleled health benefits.

Okay, our brains are not composed of 93% water. The actual number is like 75 or 80. Why would they Google it? Why do you lie about that? What insane focus group led to them thinking they had to do that lie? Somebody was like, but we only use 10% of our mind.

And then they had to like bump up that number to sell their stickers to the idiots. Well, I feel like everybody involved in this company has a particularly watery brain though. Maybe they just checked like of us in the room. Let's check this could be like internally. Yeah. I was going to say, I believe whoever wrote this copy's brain is 93% water. Now at this point, you're probably wondering how can you harness the power Of the flower of life into your daily life Great question Let's finish this section

Incorporating the sacred symbol is easier than you think From art and jewelry To spiritual practices And functional items like Water carafts The flower of life can be seamlessly integrated Into your lifestyle It's a symbol.

It's hard to imagine the fucking seemful or whatever version of incorporating a symbol into your jewelry. Yeah. Fuck, it doesn't work. Shit. I thought it was so easy going in and they're like, easier than you think. Zero. Zero difficulty. Yes, exactly.

Stickers can be tricky. I have a toddler. Traditional drinking water lacks the vitality our bodies crave. Tap water and bottled water lack the natural structure and energy needed for optimal health. By infusing water with the flower of life pattern, it becomes energized, revitalizing its lost vitality and offering a myriad of health benefits. Or you can literally just imagine the concept of the locus of points equidistant from a central point. Just make hard eye contact with a glass of water and be like, circle, circle, circle. They're a scam even within their scam and their stupid theory.

Experience energized water's transformative effects for yourself. Explore Pitcher of Life range of flower of life infused products and elevate your hydration routine. Take a sip of life itself and embrace a healthier, more vibrant you.

My hydration routine is in need of elevation to be honest with you. Thank you. Introducing the Alkaline Water Pitcher of Life. There it is. Yeah, no, just under the wire too. Yeah. This innovative pitcher

creates alkaline water with a pH of 8.5 to 9.5, promoting hydration and well-being. Literally has less hydrogen ions for hydration because it's alkaline, you idiots. It's advanced. Six-stage filter removes contaminants and infuses water with essential minerals.

Plus, the flower of life and ancient sacred symbol enhances water with positive energy for harmony and balance. Backed by a lifetime warranty, join thousands in enjoying cleaner, healthier drinking water every day. Right, so if your sacred symbol ever stops enhancing your water with positive energy for harmony and balance, they'll replace it, no question asked. Look at this water. Tell me this water is promoting a positive energy for harmony and balance, they'll replace it no question. Look at this water. Tell me this water is building up positive energy. I want to spend the rest of my life invoking that lifetime warranty.

Yes, can we just look? I know you guys are always like, Eli can't do prank phone calls, but I feel like calling that complaint hotline and just recording it. First of all, I live in a one-way state. Second of all, I would love to hear a person be like, no, it's still working. My water sticker's broken.

Again. Again. Check the pH. It is not that thing you said. So there you have it, folks. Just a few more products from our friends over at Public Square to tell mom she's the best. Because if magic stickers don't convince your mom to rethink her parenting choices, nothing will. All right.

Well, quick before Eli's forced to admit that he found a bunch of shit on there that his mom would have loved, we're going to wrap things up. But don't worry. I'm sure there's more bullshit for you on the internet somewhere. Before we wrap things up tonight, I want to remind you to check out matreon.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. And check out all the tiers that we set up for this year. Every year we do a Patreon-only live stream for patrons of all of our shows. And what we're going to do during that live stream is up to new and upgrading patrons this year count yourself among their ranks and make us do shit that we don't want to do more again anyway that's all the last

we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be able to look up for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting at 7 eastern on monday an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend god often we used to be at 7 eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our Citrus Hill's Hot Friend got off on Wednesday, being at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Have Citrus Hill Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I can't power down the rig until I thank Heath Enright for holding his own, Eli Bosnick for holding whosoever will let him, and Lucinda Lusions for

holding off on reacting until she heard how this joke ended. Also want to thank Deconstructing Laura for providing this week's very artsy Farnsworth quote. Well done. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people, Janice, Megan, Sketchy Intentions, Disreputable Endeavors,

Alejandro, Roger, Robert, another Hoffman, Jesse, Dr. MQX, and Chris. Janice, Megan, and Sketchy, whose intellects are so vast, Siri asks them shit. Alejandro, Roger, and Robert, who are so sexy,

porn watches them. And Hoffman, Jesse, MQX, and Chris, who are so hot, UV issues them warnings. Together, these ten tenacious tenant tenderizers made our tendentious tendencies more tenable this week by giving us tender. If you, too, would like to give us tender, you can make a

per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode and make us do fun, awesome stuff at the pajama party. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAtheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're boycotting Patreon, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review,

telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that we used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the contact page at Scathingatheist.com. I'm not sure. I don't know who you're talking to. I don't think I'm not sure. I don't know who you're talking to.

I don't think I'm going to. Yeah. Otherwise, it'd be sad. Put it on the show. Put it on the show, you cowards. Comedy cult. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.