The Scathing Atheist - 586: SBC Ya Later Edition

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

In this week’s episode, we’ll dust off the headlines too HOT for cable tv, Jesus Christ the son of god continues a very long refractory period, and Tom and Cecil will be here because more than three hosts worth of people need to be insulted. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, the following podcast is not safe for work. But that's more of a problem with work than with the podcast. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by

Aura Frames, BetterHelp, and by the annual month-long fundraiser drive, Matreon. Matreon. Because you should give us money on Patreon and it's May and we let Eli name it. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

I am the glub-go-gub-gulub, the shwubble-dubble-wubble-gubble-fleep-up-up-up as someone who reads lots of books. We did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. I am the yeast of thoughts and minds. It's Thursday. It's May 9th. And it's Ascension Day. Some of us get high without our dad's help. Not me, but some of us do that.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Tony D's New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll dust off the headlines too hot for cable TV. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, continues a very long refractory period. And Tom and Cecil will be here because more than three hosts worth of people need to be insulted. But first, the diatribe. One of the reasons this show is an audio medium instead of a visual one

is that I can't be trusted with the ability to show y'all charts and graphs. I'm a bit of a nerd for statistics and demographics, and if I had the ability to break out pie charts and bar graphs, that nerdery would scare off between 67% and 84% of the audience based on graph frequency and obscurity, as noted on a histogram that only I can see. But when I'm deprived of visual aids, even I can fewer non-Christians that was excited to see an alert this week about Lifeway Research's latest annual church profile in my inbox. Now, this is, of course, the very definition of a biased source. Lifeway Research is an arm of the Southern Baptist

Convention, and this report is something that they compile for the benefit of member churches. It's like a state of the denomination report that offers an assessment of their overall trajectory. And much like the umpteenth president in a row declaring that the state of the union is strong, there's a heavy dose of positive spin on everything they report. But they do use numbers to report this stuff. And you can put all the perfume and lipstick you want on lost another 241,032 members, but you ain't gonna make it look good. And honestly, the extent to which they tried to pretty this shit up is hilarious. The headline they offer in their press release is, no shit, quote, Southern Baptist membership decline slows, baptism in attendance grows, end quote.

So sure, yeah, well, they have fewer members, but it's fewer, fewer than the last few, so it's actually pretty good news if you think about it. The subheading continues this rosy spin with, quote, In 2023, baptisms, worship service attendance, and small group participations grew among Southern Baptist congregations, end quote. And a couple paragraphs in, there's a slightly more straightforward summary in a little click to tweet section that's all highlighted and reads, quote, SBC membership declined for the 17th straight year, dropping below 13 million for the first time since the mid-1970s. However,

the less than 2% decline was the smallest in recent years, end quote. So yeah, so clearly the narrative they're trying to mold is, yes, the number of Southern Baptists is declining, but the decline is slowing. In other words, the worst of the crisis is over. We've nearly stopped the bleeding and now we can just stay the course, which is honestly music to the ears of anybody hoping to dance on the SBC's grave within their lifetimes. Because we lost almost another quarter million members and have the lowest membership since the fucking Carter administration should be a red alert situation. And to the extent that it's being treated as anything less is worthy of celebration on our end. Right. The entire article is full of this kind of rose colored

optimism. Lifeways executive director says that a lot of the drop is actually just churches catching up on old paperwork and cleaning up the membership rolls. So, you know, it might look like a steep drop in the last couple of years, but it's actually that represents a smoother trend over a longer period, which is silly because the numbers have been plummeting for nearly two fucking decades. They also point out that a lot of it is older members dying off rather than young members leaving. And of course, a lot of that is just that darn pandemic disrupted people's church going habits. Right. And of course, a lot of that is just that darn pandemic disrupted people's churchgo-in habits, right?

Now, to be clear, the pandemic disruption does explain a lot of the numbers in their report. Mostly the ones they're trying to sell as positives, of course, like the 2023 increase in baptisms and worship service attendance over 2022. But again, the downward trend in membership didn't start in 2020 or 2019, right? Which is when the pandemic started. Membership peaked in 2003 and it's been steadily dropping ever since. People weren't leaving the church in 2004 because they were pretty sure a pandemic was gonna disrupt their shit in the future. Of course, the real reasons for this mass exodus don't show up anywhere in the report. There's no room in their rosy picture for discussions of the recent sex abuse scandals, nor their pathetic efforts at addressing them.

Nowhere in the report is there any mention of their toxic views on homosexuality and how they're increasingly out of step with the sensibilities of modern society. No mention of their attacks against churches that dare to have women pastors. In fact, the only time they deign to acknowledge any of their real problems is a throwaway paragraph about their inadequate response to the accusations of child sex abuse in their churches. And as awful as it is that they're plugging their ears with propaganda about slowing declines and clerical illusions in light of all that, it's a hell of a weakness to those who would stand against them, right? I mean, I'd much rather they recognize their error

and modernize their view on LGBTQ rights and gender equality and shit, but I have to admit that it would make our job of leading people away a hell of a lot tougher. Now, this report isn't all good news for us. Even as the SBC is shrinking in membership, it's growing in influence. There's no doubt that conservative Christians

control public policy to a greater degree right now than they have at any point in my lifetime right and there's no organization better positioned to dictate the conservative christian agenda than the southern baptist convention hell even as their membership rolls plumb new depths they're bringing in more money than ever their income in 2023 was a record 10 billion billion. And that's just dollars, right? Imagine how rich they are when you factor in all the property and politicians they own. That being said, dollars are ephemeral. So are politicians. Membership isn't. Every time a person leaves their church, they're deprived of that next generation. That's a kid they won't be able to indoctrinate before they know how to think back. That's a generational hit to their organization. And when you consider the average age of membership, it's equally clear

that their chief sources of income are dying. And it's worth remembering that we're not really subject to the same sort of decline. It wouldn't matter. It's not happening, but it also wouldn't matter. The goal of the atheist movement was never to grow the atheist movement, right? We want more atheists, but in terms of like members of a movement, we're ultimately trying to put ourselves out of business. Our goal is to shrink the religious movement. And to any degree that we're managing that, we're winning.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the S&P and NASDAQ to my Dow, Heath Enright and Eli Bostic fellas. Are you ready for an index measuring contest? 500.

500. I have 500. I'm also standard and poor. Yeah. And I am definitely not capable of infinite growth. So this is all really piecing together. Yeah. And a quick reminder before we dive into the headlines that May means Matreon.

That's the time of the year when we remind you that the ads do not remotely pay the bills around here. And if you'd like to help out, Patreon is the best way to do it. You'll get bonus content. You'll get early access. You'll get ad-free episodes. And you'll get access to our annual Patreon-only Pajama Party livestream. What are we going to do on that livestream? Well, that is up to our new and upgrading donors. As of of this record we're a quarter of the way through the fundraiser and we're more than a quarter of the way towards us having to get coffee enemas so check out m-a-y-t-r-e-o-n.com

to learn more i feel like my was a lot more enthusiastic just now sure was sure the fuck was and with an emphasis on how ad-free those patron versions of the episodes are, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Aura Frames. Hey, podcast listener. As we celebrate Matreon, it's never been more important for you to remember all that we do

for you. Like introducing you to Carl the Pug of Pegacorn and seeing your pets. We're giving you the metaphors you need to truly understand Mike Lindell's physical appearance. But this week, we're doing you one better. We're going to save Mother's Day for you. That's right. We know you forgot, but luckily, there's AuraFrame, the gift that every mom wants. She sure does, Heath. AuraFrames come with unlimited storage and an easy-to-use app. You can even set it up while it's in the box, so all mom has to do is plug it in.

And right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. Use the code SCATHING at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply. Aura Frames, the perfect gift in the nick of time. You're welcome.

Exactly. And now, back to the headlines, which will be gently used because we're getting ahead this week for the Pajama Party extravaganza, so without further ado, we're going to join headlines from the past already in progress. And in iconic news,

when we started our sister show, Godawful Movies, many folks asked us, aren't you going to run out of material eventually? Little knowing the backlog that awaited us or the sheer volume of creation

that lay before us. For even we underestimated just how much stupid content for us to make fun of would be made for our enjoyment. And that continues to be true. As we learned this week that David Icke not only has his own streaming website, but we learned of it from a commercial for his ghost hunting special.

Some ghosts. And seriously, by the way, it's called Ickonic. He's going for iconic, but it's I-C-K-O-N-I-C. No E from Ike. Somebody had to tell him that everyone's going to say Ick there, but I guess he was like, if I put

the E, they're going to say Ikeonic. There's no solution to this. It has to be something like Iconic. But it's not all that surprising coming from the master wordsmith behind everything you need to know but were never told. Right. Yeah. So, first

off, big thanks to David Harfield for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com. I'm not saying we'll pick your story if you send us a picture of your adorable dog like Dave did. But it can't hurt. Also, yes, I am promising that for sure. He's not, I am promising that, for sure. He's not. I am promising that.

Anyways, appearing on iconic.com, as he said, that's right, listener, the pun for this story was stolen valor. The new series Hellfire Caves sees a rain-coated and bedraggled Ike taking on one of England's most demonic locations. The Hellfire

Caves, near High Wickham in Buckinghamshire. Why are so many British place names entirely made of suffixes? Thank you, thank you. The network of man-made chalk and flint caves, which extend about 260 meters underground, were

host to the parties of the Hellfire Club, which, according to legend, held all sorts of satanic rituals in there. In truth, both the club and the caves were just a place for rich English dudes to party, which, if QED is any indication, is a lot more about heavy drinking and beating Heath at pool.

But we're not rich at all. That's fair. He's like, I could whip the shit out of those rich guys. Oh, woo! If you're a rich guy come to qed heath will beat you and pull up but the truth has never stopped david ike from doing well anything really so he shot a ghost hunting special there where he exercises the ghosts in the silliest manner possible in the clip they showed on Twitter to

advertise the show, he calls the ghost demons a bunch of prats, a bloody disgrace, and bloody idiots. Like they destroyed his lawn gnomes. It's fantastic. Well, in his defense, they were

making him look like an idiot. Hey, ghosts, fuck you. It's so well it is defense they were making him look like an idiot they were yeah hey ghosts fuck you it's so much it's so very clearly that it's so much that okay so i was morbidly curious so i checked out the website for his streaming service it's very sad it's amazing my favorite part is a graphic that says a a range of voices and opinions. And it shows their diverse panel of five insane white guys, including David Icke. It's so silly.

It looks like an evolution chart for the neckbeard existing. Yes. Phenomenal. So, yeah. Along with pretty much everything else on iconic.com, it's getting slotted right into the game schedule. Like the demonic forces in the Hellfire Caves, our jobs are secure for now.

Next up in headlines, in Apocalypse Not Now news. We have a delightful story about a restaurant in Florida and the cost of being a religious nutbag. I'll start with a little context. If you ask any restaurant worker in the country, they'll tell you that Christian people coming in after church are some of the worst tippers of all time.

Yep. And bad tippers deserve to die a horrible death. Like, okay, eternal damnation in a lake of fire is wildly unethical as a concept. But not for bad tippers. No, it's not. All that being said, at least one Christian idiot became an amazing tipper last week because the solar eclipse was just about to bring the end times.

And she didn't need money anymore. So she gave two giant tips. Okay, I'm willing to bet this stillo-Puts are below 15% lifetime. Yeah. I mean, imagine needing the world to be about to end to leave a big tip.

Yeah. And a big thanks to Amanda for the link, scathingnewsgmail.com if you want to help out. So, quick disclaimer, this one comes from a post

on Reddit by a restaurant server. I found the story in a couple of sources, but they were sources with names like Boing Boing, so 100% guaranteed. But it all tracks as something that definitely could happen

and that's kind of the point. So, according to the now viral post on Reddit from April 3rd, a woman came into this waitress's section and spent a bunch of time proselytizing about the impending rapture and the need for heathens to repent. The rapture, just to remind anyone,

is when God does every Christian's revenge fantasy and zoops the faithful up to heaven and then does like a thousand years of war crimes to every atheist and all the people from every other religion. And the preachy lady explained that the solar eclipse is obviously going to be the rapture day. So the bill for the meal,

it came out to about $40 and the woman left a $300 tip along with a note that said, in case you don't rise on the eighth. All right. I feel like there's at least a 50-50 shot the server would tell you it was not worth the 300 bucks.

Okay. But that's still super obviously a lie though right oh i'm sorry did you think this 300 extra dollars was going to help me against the scorpion horse locusts you really think there's going to be like a coherent economy during the apocalypse come on so then two days later this is what happened next. On April 5th, we got another post from the server. Same woman came back to the restaurant again, and this time she left a tip of $777 for a coworker. That coworker told the restaurant manager and the manager double checked with the Christian lady to be sure that she wanted to leave a really big tip. That Christian lady said, yes, and it's with the Lord's numbers. And then, and because it's higher, because it's bigger by one. Seven, seven, seven.

Yeah, yeah. So, so then, and this is crucial, over the course of the next three days, the rapture continued not happening. I noticed that. Including April 8th, the day of the solar eclipse. And in a final follow-up post from April 9th, we got the best part. The Christian lady came back to the restaurant furious about the fucking lack of apocalypse

and demanded a refund for the tips. And the restaurant manager said, approximately, go fuck yourself. Wow. Okay. But a manager siding with a server actually is a sign of the end time. So now I'm nervous.

Yeah, right, right. You know, I have an old friend from before I knew Lucinda who put up a Facebook post about how sure she was that she was going to get raptured. And it was so hard not to laugh react when I came across that post on the

ninth. Sure. That I did. I did laugh. Yeah, because it was so hard. Okay. So two things before wrapping the story.

First of all, a quick reminder that tipping in the U S is not optional. It is technically like legally, but if you don't tip at a U S restaurant, you're a piece of shit. 20% minimum, but way more if you can afford it. Lots of good arguments to be made, just to be clear, about getting rid of our current tipping system. But until that happens, a bad tip does nothing but victimize underpaid workers.

Right, yeah. Under the current laws, restaurant workers in most US states make way less than minimum wage because there's an assumption of tips. I made $2.15 an hour in New York as a bartender. Also, bigger picture, we need to publicize... Back to that atheist story. That's fine.

This is not as important, but we need to publicize way more random end times astronomy stuff to make bigots give away more money like tell them the moon's doing a u-turn whatever what are they gonna do check the science no just make sure it up yep and in truer vols news tennessee is continuing to push the boundaries of anti-trans legislation thank you and and they're getting scarier with every fucking step their latest gambit is a law that makes it a felony punishable by 3 to 15 years in prison to aid a trans child in obtaining gender affirming care and as scary as the intent of that law is the

language it chooses to use is even scarier instead of a law against aiding and abetting trans youth like several other states have, their law makes it illegal to harbor, transport, or recruit a trans youth. What? Yeah, because being trans is a thing you can be recruited for. Hey, Tennessee bigots, bring it in.

Take a knee. I think you're gonna hurt yourself projecting this hard. Like, I know that most of your stuff is hate groups that need very active recruiting, but lots of other people, what they're doing is, they just do the stuff they want.

They just do the stuff they want. The problem is, these idiots know they can barely get someone under the age of 100 in their doors without, you know, BMX bikes and a human cannon. Imagine what the trans is is right exactly what happened yeah so now of course this concept of recruiting has a long and storied history and bigotry against lgbtq people and it fits right in with the rhetoric they're using now by which any acknowledgement of trans or gay existence is dubbed grooming

if you do it to kids right it's it's dangerous as all fuck because of course it becomes the excuse to visit harm upon lgbtq people right they're recruiting our kids and seeing it written into law should terrify all of us and not just because of the echo of past bigotries because of course recruiting trans kids isn't a thing so what the fuck did they just outlaw right exactly apparently they're picturing like like an nfl draft combine with a series of events or something like that i mean i guess we'll have to cancel the one in tennessee now but the other ones still right and i should point out that if gay recruiting were real it would look a lot more like the child molestation you guys keep getting caught doing than the gay pride parade.

Right. Now, another terrifying chunk of verbiage in this law emphasizes that it applies, quote, regardless of where the medical procedure is procured, end quote. Right. So they're clearly hoping to enforce this law over state lines. And that means radically different things when you're talking about transport and recruit right would this law outlaw say telling a trans kid which states they can safely receive care in would it prohibit explaining trans affirming health care options in say a podcast that was then listened to in tennessee i mean yes that would clearly violate the first amendment but when the fuck has that stopped this iteration of the Supreme Court from upholding Christian bigotry? Yeah, and especially given their decision to uphold a trans-youth healthcare ban recently, this is exactly the kind of case they're open to upholding. Just a reminder of that before you

decide to send a message with your vote this year. Yeah, Clarence Thomas is clearly unwell, folks. Come on, breathe hard, Clarence. Or he's fine, either way. Right, yeah, right. And on that note, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our other sponsor this week, BetterHelp. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, everybody.

I know we usually do funny little sketches for our ads, but every once in a while, we like to hop on just to remind you how grateful we are for our sponsor this week, BetterHelp. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and it's suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. We've heard from dozens of listeners who found the help they needed with BetterHelp. BetterHelp can help you find a therapist

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All right, back to the show with the jokes. And in swamp ass news, Ron DeSantis, he's a swamp ass. That's what we're calling him now. Ron DeSantis continued finding that Goldilocks zone of stupid and evil last week with two new laws. He started with evil by signing HB 433 that makes it illegal for local governments to require hydration breaks for outdoor workers in the extreme heat of Florida.

Also known as the Don't Say Gatorade Bill. Fantastic. Thanks to Andy for the wordplay and the link. That law also bans any local increase to the state minimum wage

because federalism is great, but local governance is bad. Yeah. You guys remember when we thought Captain Planet bad guys were over the top? Right. Remember that? Just the pig guy making the finger across the throat gesture behind Ron in a speech. Okay, come on. Okay, so to balance out the evil with stupid and also more evil, DeSantis also signed HB 931, which officially allows chaplains into public schools.

Of course, that's a very obvious violation of the establishment clause of the very First Amendment that we have. But that's not going to be a problem for DeS because uh apparently that clause doesn't count anymore the problem is going to pop up when a bunch of non-christian chaplains demand equal access and florida is going to panic and be like no no no we meant the fucking real religion stop don't do that and they're going to get sued very easily for that yeah and we should be clear here that in the other places that have brought chaplains into schools, they've taken the place of counselors. So this isn't just a case of bringing in religion, it's a case of religion replacing a secular function, a necessary

secular function. So less like teaching creationism in science class and more like teaching creationism instead of science class. And no more science class. Yes, exactly. Right, so chaplains are counselors except magic and without the counseling part. Yep, that too. The official qualifications to be a chaplain are, I'm a chaplain now.

Yep, they did it. And there's nothing in the new law that says otherwise. You just name a religion and say you have that brand of magical advice for kids. There's also nothing in the bill that says non-Christian chaplains are banned because that would be clearly illegal. Speaking of which, Ron DeSantis claimed that non-Christians are banned. During the press conference after the bill signing,

he crimed into the microphone, quote, some have said that if you do a school chaplain program, that somehow you're going to have Satanists running around in all our schools. Not clear why they're running around, but yes, they're going to be there. He continued, we're not playing those games in Florida. Satanism is not a religion that is not qualifying to be able to participate in this. End quote. Sorry to clarify.

What I'm saying is I'm making a law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. Yeah. At this point, I think the way to change Ron's mind is to have Wyatt Earp shoot him in a quick jaw. So, yeah, Satanism absolutely is a religion. And Ron DeSantis has no idea how anything works. Yes. Even his own stupid fucking party was fully aware of that. And the sponsor of the bill even said so. During the discussion of the bill,

GOP state Senator Aaron Grawl said, quote, as soon as we get in the middle of defining what is religion and what is not, we start to run up to constitutional problems. End quote, obviously. You also make religion look extra stupid because defining things that are stupid makes it super clear why they're stupid. Sure does. Speaking of which, in order to mitigate that stupid, the state Senate considered several amendments, including a rule against proselytizing, a rule about getting student consent before they meet with the chaplain, a few actual requirements for being a chaplain, and an oversight committee. Those amendments all failed

because, of course, they did. Well, yeah, I mean, well, those amendments were standing in the way of important work dehydrating construction workers. So, yeah, move on. Imagine thinking that

what the put the chaplains in school bill needed was amendments. It's the fucking I can fix him of lawmaking. Yeah, the amendment should have been, let's stop right now. No, right. I vote against this law, amend.

Yeah, so, bottom line, Ron DeSantis just cost the taxpayers of Florida a bunch of money, and he doesn't know it yet. Satanist groups are already lining up to send in a squad of demon chaplains to, I guess, sprint around wildly and teach kids about their evil Satanist tenet of consent in all things. It's terrifying stuff.

And you can be sure that Ron DeSantis and other idiots like him are going to try to stop that from happening. And pretty quickly, they're going to be paying for Jeff Blackwell's time, his filthy, Hell yeah, they will. heathenous, debaucherous time. You got more faith in this Supreme Court than I do.

Okay, Noah, don't jinx it. Jeff promised that if he ever gets to argue in front of Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh, he's going to address him as the Big B

the entire time. And with that, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Ask coffee. And when we come back, we'll bring in a pair of aces

that'll make this thing a full house. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Heath Enright. I'm Noah Lujans. And I am Señor Pets. Okay. As we celebrate this wonderful matrion,

we want to remind you that without your support, we would be unable to bring incredible special guests like Cara Santa Maria. Don't say it like that. Michael Marshall. And of course, myself, Señor Pets. Yeah, his day rate is surprisingly expensive. It's true, it is.

Please consider adding a pledge to any of our shows or bumping your pledge today to help us hit our Matreon goals. Like a song from Anna? Or magic from Eli? Or a very special episode of Be Reasonable

where Marsh will interview me, Senor Pets. Marsh already said no to that. That may be, but you can join the fun and help support the show over at Matreon.com. That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N

dot com. Matreon. Because I am not cheap. So expensive. Maybe I should be on Cameo. No, you didn't. Oh, God, I hope not. if there's one thing our vulgarity for charity fundraiser has been it's successful we've raised well over a million dollars in the last five years just by telling your friends and relatives to go fuck themselves but if there's one thing it hasn't been it's punctual which is why we're

still plugging away at the roast we committed to back in November of last year. And that means it's time to welcome back the Henrietta and Nellie who are Louise, Emily, and Irene. That's right, French-Canadian podcast listeners. You get five sims too. Tom and Cecil of the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Gentlemen, welcome back to the show. Thanks, Noah. Fantastic to be here.

And because, of course, he will sit in sulky silence if we don't reintroduce him, I guess I have to also say, Eli, you are here. Thank you, Noah. Fantastic to be here. There was music in between my words and yours. There was, right? Heath, do you want me to introduce you? Because it's weird if I do the other three and not you.

Yes, please, I would. All right, Heath, you're here. Yes, I am. Music for me, also. All right. Before we dive in, let's thank our favorite branded donor, those folks that didn't request a roast and just gave for the good of giving. So, big thanks to Dom, who gave a whopping $2,500 and asked nothing in return.

And a slightly lesser but still delightfully thick thanks to Mark Z, who gave $2,000 just out of the goodness of his heart. Mark Zuckerberg. And lesser in girth again, but still big in thanks to Troy, who gave $1,000 just to help the cause for nothing in return. Excellent. So let's start with a couple of full cast roasts, starting with Brad and Laurie, who tied for our largest donation of the year with $15,000 donated. Whoa. Yeah, right? Ooh, I'm doing a lot of them today.

Brad and Laurie. A lot of oohs, right? Yeah, no. And they requested that we roast Cara Santa Maria for doing 9-11. Ooh, no. Thank you. The 9-11 ruined it. Look, what can I say in a roast

that hasn't already been said in the autofill when you Google Kara's name? Look, look, Kara, Kara, I understand why you might be upset that it's the third result and it was the fifth result a couple of months ago, but I think Kara should be grateful that with each new conspiracy theory I add to the internet,

Kara Santa Maria feet comes lower down in the results. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Cara Santa Maria, do you mean liberal Lauren Boebert? Oh, wow. They both surround themselves with unattractive gray-haired white guys, and then they let those guys do all the talking. similarities there uh bill maher rode islamophobia to fame after 9-11 and kara also did 9-11 yeah no look if i used to do bill maher i guess i'd want to be remembered for a terrorist atrocity too right anything to put down the list of notable things i did well done if i'm not mistaken the branding that we went with for 9-11 was never forget. It feels

appropriate since without a reminder, I never remember that Kara exists. Oh, shit. Okay. 9-11, pretty bad. Yes. Kara killed thousands of Gentiles only that day. But here's the most insidious part that nobody's

talking about. By doing 9-11, Cara made Pete Davidson get into comedy. He killed his father, and Pete was like, I'm going to cope with this by doing joke. And he does joke now, and here we are. And now everyone wants to fuck this seven-foot-tall skeleton for some reason. I don't understand. Is that bad for your brand? He looks like Bin Laden after a round of chemo and radiation. It doesn't make sense.

He looks like he's angrily being the tall guy for the basketball team at the methadone clinic. Or as I like to call him, the rehab center. It's Kara's fault. It's Kara's fault. Also, Cara says Jif instead of Gif.

What the fuck? They don't have a PhD. They need to rescind that. Or she would call it a food. Speaking of big donors, Teresa gave us $10,000 to roast people who drive in the left lane on freeways. So let's all have a go at that one. Look, the left lane is for passing.

Unless you're in Chicago, then it's for brake checking and six-car pilots. Also, there's no real left lane here in Chicago. Anything can be a lefter lane if you want it bad enough. Thank you. Yes. Everyone knows, like Cecil said, left lane is for passing, and the dotted line is the middle where your car goes. It's like getting all the coins in Mario Kart so that you can decide which lane you want to be in when you turn.

It's the perfect system, everybody. Look, left lane is for liberals, you assholes. OK, get your stupid fucking crew cab, coal rolling, benutted maga truck where you keep far right and stagnant okay the only republican who i'm letting do that slow ass roll down the left lane is madison cawthorne but not in the car he's in a wheelchair. I want to hit him. Yes, yes. With my car. Yeah, no, got it. Fun fact, left lane drivers, but the accelerator is an infinitely variable lever.

It is not a binary switch. Okay, it will work even if you don't mash your fucking foot down through the floorboard. Do not one of you assholes have a GPS? Yes.

Here's a fun thing to do, left laners. Get in your car, put your fucking destination in, and then check your arrival time. Now, drive like a normal, non-Chicago inhuman being, and you will probably get there in plus

or minus a minute or two, unless you're putting in like a big-ass road trip. Save maybe, what, a minute? Two? Tops? Yeah. Okay. Now get in the car and rip ass down the left lane at 95 miles an hour. Now, how'd you do? Save maybe what? A couple of minutes tops. That's how math works. You fucking dipshits. You're not doing anything except being an asshole. You didn't shave 30

minutes from your hour long commute. You fuck wet. You're risking a fiery death for yourself and others and possibly a criminal ticket so you can hurry along to a destination that won't matter and doesn't notice that you're not there. You know what? On second thought, keep taking the left lane. Take it often. Take it in the dark. Take it when you're really, really tired. Maybe we'll actually speed

you along towards something that makes us all happier, which is a world without your dumb ass. I love that all of us did our roast as the guy Tom just roasted. We were like, yeah, go 95. What the fuck? Get out of the way. You could save two minutes. Two minutes. All right, so let's get to the solo missions here. Sam D

gave us $4,206.90 to roast somehow still alive person Alan Dershowitz. Would you like to do the honors? He's one of the fucking 30s or something. He's not alive. I keep a window open and I

refresh it over and over again. I was thinking of Henry Kissinger, which is great because it's just anti-Semitic. I was just like, no, that Jew's dead. Those are two different Jewish people for sure. No, bad Jew. I checked my bad Jew siren and it went off this year.

So speaking of bad Jewish people, yeah. Alan Dershowitz defended OJ Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, and Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck are you doing, man? Who's your next client? You're going to represent Kristi Noem against her dead puppy? What is happening? You're going to represent the rapist man in the woods who gets beat up by a rescue bear? Iago from fucking Othello?

iago from fucking othello i like i mentioned abraham from the bible who's about to stab his own son because of a ghost but you literally did that already the stabby dad and you won somehow in a mock trial you did it's insane what all right no. I like that in Tom's head, he represented the actual Abraham. He's almost old enough. I was like, what is happening right now? It's possible. Sorry, that number by the way that Sam donated is definitely the

42069 meme, right? Yeah, it's awesome. It rules. And it fucking rules. And that's awesome. And everyone should do that. Anyways. All right, Noah. One for you awesome. It rules. And it fucking rules. And that's awesome. And everyone should do that. Anyways. All right, Noah, one for you here. Laura W. gave us $2,000 for a roast of Nick Fuentes. What do you got? Good choice. I don't...

How do you make fun of a man so insecure in his masculinity that he literally said having sex with women was gay? Seriously. Quote, having sex with women was gay. Seriously. Quote, having sex with women is gay. Pretty dead on what I fucking said. The quote continues, what's gayer than being like, I need cuddles,

I need kisses, I need to spend time with a woman, end quote. What? Having sex with her would be gayer? Real fucking quote. This is a man who attacked charlie kirk for being too liberal on immigration he tried to start his own c-pack because the original one wasn't white enough i mean imagine being such a shitty person that supporters of donald trump and kanye west are indignant that they would take a lunch with you.

Jesus. All right, Cecil, I got one for you. Corin donated $1,000 for a roast of FinTech Bros. Enjoy. All right. It takes a special kind of person to be able to crush an iPhone on his head like an empty aluminum can and then burp out the ticker symbols for the S&P 500. empty aluminum can, and then burp out the ticker symbols for the S&P 500. It also takes a delicate yet astute mind to be able to navigate topics like,

it's like Uber, but for jet skis. The thing I learned in Brazilian jujitsu class last night was... Seriously, though, do you guys all share the same vest right you all look like Jeff Bezos every one of you alright Eli Ian would like you to roast

Gravy the Golden Retriever from D&D Murphys oh Gravy oh man Gravy really wanted to get into that Starbucks huh he sure did

it's like it's like there was a whole bunch of other stuff planned but he just had to get himself a puppuccino it's nice it's nice when you're designing a fantastical adventure full of meaning and nuance and metaphor and then you remember that you also need something in case the party decides to beat the shit out of a couch they see that's important

that's also part of my job it It's full of nuance and metaphor. Thank you. Did I really block your metaphor and nuance in that moment? Yes, I was afraid you would be afraid to take responsibility. What metaphor were you about to do? Greed is bad.

Not a metaphor. And Tom. Is life a bad? That's now a silly. And Tom. That's now a silly. It's like, it's bad. I got it right the first time. Ha ha. Not right.

All right. Tom, I know I've been missing your roast in the month since the fundraiser. How about a roast of Jim and especially Karen for Sylvie? All right. Sylvie, your folks never loved you. I know this is supposed to be a roast of them, and that probably sounded like I was coming after you, but hear me out because it's true. The operative word in that sentence

is you. I'm sure your parents love the idea of having a kid. They maybe even love being parents, but clearly, irrefutably, what they didn't do is to fulfill the one truly sacred responsibility for parents, and that is to know you for exactly who you are. Strip free of their expectations and wishes and hopes to see you, and in that seeing, to let their hearts break with the joy of loving exactly who you are. That was their job, and they didn't do it. They didn't love you. They may have wanted you. They may have wanted you.

They may have cared for you, but love isn't only those things. Love is a series of actions, not feelings. Love is a verb, not an adjective. Love is movement and work and not a static feeling. Love is not how we feel. It is what we do because of how we feel. Your parents didn't love you, Sylvie. And that failing, all of that failing, 100% of that failing, it is their failing. It is their loss because that is the joy and the toil of parental love to do the work, to bridge the gaps, to meet our children where they are rather than try to claw them over to where we want them to be. That is how loving a child works. Your parents are failures, Sylvie, Our parents are failures, Sylvie, in the one thing that we should not and cannot fail at. So remember this as your life blossoms and theirs withers, as you seek joy and they retreat into sorrow and regret that this failure lives not in your heart, but forever will poison theirs.

Damn it. We got to get one of those etch mirrors with that on it. Or like a back tattoo. Like a crocheted sweater. First day in prison. Just a poisoned, shriveling heart image to finish. I loved it. Beautiful. I really loved it.

All right. Heath and Eli, this next one's for the three of us. Jennifer donated $2,000 for us to roast step-sibling porn. Oh, okay. Here's my thing about step-sibling porn. Oh, okay. Here's my thing about step-sibling porn. Who is the step for? Right? People like incest porn.

That's why you're doing it, right? But the actors aren't really siblings. Is there a law somewhere about saying someone is your sister rather than your step-sister? Were they losing listeners by the drove without the step in there? Was the lack of step too far? I mean, if you're going to make incest porn, just make incest porn.

You lost me at the end there, man. All right. Here's the thing. Why the fuck do I care about their relationship? I just want to see them fuck. How in the world does that change my experience? I mean, if we're going to fucking play pretend,

go all the way. She's the exiled queen of fuckvania and he's the goddamn sword she has to tug out of the stone. It's not. What the fuck is the point of telling me who they are to one another? Am I in a fucking family tree over here? Okay, I think this is important. to one another. We're in a fucking family tree over here. Okay.

I think this is important. I think we're overlooking a very important component of the genre. It's about washer dryer safety. It's a safety thing. It's like a PSA.

It's like, you know, hi, I'm Wilford Brimley. If you're not sexually attracted to your stepbrother don't put your entire torso inside the more you know it's important uh all right so why don't we all jump in on super packs with freedom or liberty in their name thanks to the donation of a little known podcast called called Cognitive Dissonance. Actually, it was Tim. We gave

Tim dealer's choice for this one because Tim does so much work for this particular thing, Vulgarity for Charity. We donated and then we said, Tim, dealer's choice. This is Tim's choice. Fantastic. Super Packs with Freedom and Liberty in the title are the giant shrimp of political labels.

Look, Super Packs, you're untouchable, illegal monoliths. Why don't you just with freedom and liberty in the title are the giant shrimp of political labels right and look super packs you're untouchable illegal monoliths why don't you just dispense with the puffery start calling yourself big pharma buys a congressman there's literally nothing we can or will do to stop you just you know really look eli you're being too kind it's not jumbo shrimp it's more like branding that very same product, vegan shrimp or fucking chicken nuggets. All I'm saying is that when a fictional democracy is taken down by something with super in the title, it's always way cooler than that. Thank you. The cynical branding of anything with patriotic buzzwords or like eagle screams or waving flags just feels so perfectly

this political timeline. A time where the richest people in the nation convince the poorest that they too can rise out of poverty if only they donate their money to a political gristmill designed specifically to disempower them. Super PACs are like political bump stocks. They're lying about what they are and who they serve and everyone just ends up with holes in the end. So I misread, but I'm also reading between the lines here, Tim.

I know what you really want. I misread and thought it was a roast of our podcast and I'm going to give you, Tim, a roast of Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance is podcasting's McRib. You don't really want it.

You aren't really sure why anyone keeps making it. And the one time of year you try it, it gives you heartburn. Yeah. That was excellent. I read it correctly, but I'm going to roast cognitive dissonance anyway because that was fun.

Ooh, yeah. It's that feeling you get when you collect billions of dollars in dark money from literal neo-Nazis and use it to buy fascist liberty, which is a nonsense term,

as indicated by the name of your fucking super PAC that has liberty or freedom in it. Fuck you. Oh, that had layers, man. Well done. Everybody just admit

you want fascism, but only for your thing. Yeah, just be honest. Everyone wants fascism for their thing. I say it all the time no cuts it out i have plans he wants fascist you don't get to say everything yeah all right cecil hoisted by my own batard i feel like this text was perfect for you sarah would like a roast of office-type workplaces. Hey, welcome to our office-type workplace. It's always going to smell a little bit like soup in here.

I hope you love it as much as we do. If you're thirsty, we do have free coffee, but it's a Keurig. And the only pods we have are decaf alcohol-free Baileys. So it tastes like you're drinking a candle. Not a particularly good one. We keep it at a toasty 79 degrees here in the winter and a chilly 53 degrees

here in the summer. So no matter what time of year it is outside, you're never wearing anything even remotely comfortable in the office. Let me show you the single wood plank

that's affixed to the wall that we call a desk here. We put it in this area we've tastefully split up using head-high carpet fences. This is your next-door neighbor, Alice, and she will alternate her entire day coughing, having an embarrassingly loud telephone conversation, or creatively cleaning out her nasal passages. Oh, shit. Welcome. Alright, Heath, Beta, and Rahab

gave us $1,000 for a roast of Adidas. I figured you could do the honors. Alright, Adidas. Apples dipped in diarrhea are scrumptious. That's what the letters do. Gross, stupid name, diarrhea, idiots.

And scene. That was eight-year-old Heath apparently roasting Adidas. I don't know why that happened, but they deserve it. They spent a bunch of years knowing that Kanye West was a giant anti-Semitic bigot, and they still kept going with their partnership and making Kanye, and of course themselves, billions of dollars along the way. And then they finally cut ties with him in 2022

after he said, I'm going DEFCON 3 on Jewish people. Reminder, it's DEFCON, and 3 is medium, so that's fucking insane. So, yeah, that was an awkward moment for Adidas. The company founded by a literal Nazi using Nazi war profits had to make an official statement saying, we're very offended by anti-Semitism. Please don't look up our founder named named literally adolf why do we still

have his name on our goddamn brand fuck this is a really hard job as pr at adidas and by the way adolf dassler that's his name his brother also a nazi founded puma so there you go really yeah you got to make your own shoes at this point. Apparently, yeah. New Balance, it's just the dads. All the dads get together once a year. We make all the New Balances needed for the year. Foot prisons. Eli, this... All right, Eli, this next one's for you.

Neelish would like you to pick a $50 roast to do for his $2,000 donation. Oh, thank you, Neelish. Always an amazing donor. So I'm going to go for Grant's awful stepfather. So Grant's awful stepfather looks like if a bowling pin could be a convicted child molester.

Like the machine sets him back up and he says, well, looky here, sure hope I don't take a tumble. They put him in the back when they do school fundraisers. That's what Grant's awful stepfather looks like. Alright, Noah.

This one's for you. Ted and Sam want a roast of heart attacks. I feel like now that you had some time, you might have some further thoughts. Sure. Okay. Listen. Fucking heart. There is no organ that our culture has been kinder to than you.

Right? All the fuck you do is pump blood. We imbue you with all this love shit. Oh, from the bottom of my heart. Oh, my heart aches for you. That shit, that's all in the brain. You don't deserve any of that shit. Have you seen how we draw you?

You're a gross ass looking throbbing potato of naked meat. But we turn you into this cutesy symmetrical little cleavage glyph and we make it the very symbol of affection. It's a symbol we happily place between us and our beloved. I heart my wife. I heart my cat. I heart

NY. And what do you do in return? You try to kill us over fucking bacon. The most delicious of all the fucking things. Bacon. Over bacon you try to kill 800,000 a year in America alone. I cannot even describe that level of depravity without

reinforcing your unearned social cachet because the term that we use for that is heartless heart. Fuck. And Tom, Jennifer M. put in 250 bucks for you to roast Chris Ragsdale, the superintendent of the Cobb County School Board in Georgia. Chris Ragsdale wants to ban books because he thinks he lives in a binary world, a world of good guys and bad guys and guys like this.

They are always the problem. This worldview, this idea that we live in a world of good and evil, a world where every choice is a binary battle, they will always, always hurt us. We'll always destroy everything they attach themselves to because the operation of humanity cannot and does not work this way. The world is not a series of moral absolutes because the breadth and depth of the human experience is varied and expansive and sloppy and complicated. And Chris literally does not want you to see that. Chris refuses to see what he must in fact know, what we all intuitively understand about ourselves, that the complexity of being alive

doesn't lend itself to these either or thoughts. So how does it end with guys like Chris? Always the same way with those who won't bend, with those who won't be moved, with those who refuse to grow. with those who won't be moved, with those who refuse to grow. In the end, Chris will break, will dissolve into a weeping, putrescent puddle of his own irrelevance, will become nothing. And no one will cling to the flotsam of his own pointlessness, even as he drifts further and further to sea until finally he is swept under and consumed by the crushing weight of his irredeemable, pointless, trivial smallness. Well done, sir.

And finally, let's wrap this segment up with a roast for Fred, who was our first donor. He donated $3,000 for us to roast the British monarchy. Fred?

Ooh! Yeah, Fred. Pretty cheap. I mean, I would roast them, but the last time they got a little color, they disowned one of the kids. Oh, jeez.

That's it. That's it. I'm out, guys. That's great. Mwah. Cheers. So good. Yeah. So, the British monarchy had a literal Nazi collaborator as king. As king. Edward VIII, I think. And then

out of nowhere, he was like, like fuck you i'm out abdicating i'm gonna go marry an american lady and it led to a giant constitutional crisis and england still covered for him about the nazi thing after all that but then harry minus the nazi part and the being king part, did all the other things, and they got a grandchild who might have a molecule of skin color instead of a translucent film of melanoma, and they jumped Meghan and Harry out of the family. You had your first shot at a single non-recessive gene in the entire fucking family,

and you fucked it up. Even King Edward's German friends would be like, Val, you're really bad at eugenics. That was a freebie. I don't know, Fred. I'm sorry, man. The monarchy is a very important institution. Without it, we would not know who owns all the swans.

It's the queen she owns all the swans in the world and that's the only thing i ever want to know about the monarchy all right so i but so i get it right because there was a time when england fucking mattered the sun never set on you blah blah blah now you're throwing tantrums you're taking your ball and leaving the eu and everybody's like okay fine but just you got to do the fucking paperwork but the monarchy is a vestige of a time when you were a major player in world politics and both the monarchy and your position in world politics are going exactly as well so i do get it i just don't think it's worth 100 million a year in taxpayer money to maintain this shit okay Okay. The lizard people didn't have

one employee who knew Photoshop. Right. You have a toothpaste tube guy for the royals, but you kidnap a princess so you can force her to abort Andre Agassi's baby. And you were fucking shorthanded

and you needed to use a TikTok filter. I am disappointed in you. The queen would never let this happen. When the queen needed fake paparazzi to kill Princess Diana, she got that shit done in less than six months. How far have they fallen? Less than six months. All right.

Well, believe it or not, we're still not quite done with our roast. So stay tuned here on Uncognitive Dissonance for more vulgarity for charity in the near future. Tom Cecil. Thanks so much for joining. Always. Thanks for having us. Before we tighten the bolts tonight,

I want to remind you one last time that it's matriot and we've got a three hour plus patron only live stream coming up in June with music, magic, and more. If you want in on it, you've got to sign up for Patreon before the end of this month. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand-new episode of our sister-so's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister-so citation debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't call this an episode

if I neglect to thank Heath Enright for always bringing it, Eli Bostic for always taking it, and Lucinda Lusions for, goddammit, I set myself up to get in trouble again. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil one more time for the incredible amount of work they do for Vulgarity for Charity every year. I also want to thank Richard for providing this week's glob-glo-globtastic

Farnsworth quote, and if you aren't a GAM listener, yes, that was a reference to something and not just Richard losing his fucking mind mid-record. He also asked that I shout out his Instagram, at Richard Raw Raw, R-A-W-L. And that seems like the least I can do. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous matrons. John, Nathan and Mary, Wynn, Donovan, Patricia, Jared, Dan, Mimo, Data, Angel, Winter, Kevin,

Mark, Chris, Near Uncertainty, Skepta, Barry and Daniel, Keisha, Drew, Wendy, Cranky, Auntie, Sharon, Sarah, Rational Runner, Addison, Tom, Homeschooled Nerd, Fred Rardo, Jeffrey, Ryan, Dashoshi, Rusty, Katie, Justin, Hurricane, Ann, Dominic, aka Keithleton, Cindy, Will, Mike, Ben, Greg, Sens, Claire, Patrick, Little Loser, Titty Baby, Tim, and the Progressive Bells Podcast, whose IQs are even higher than I feel after trying to get all those names out in a single breath. And yes, I did that in one fucking take. Ha! Didn't expect that.

I know it's always one take for you, but it's not always one take for me and Morgan, damn it. Together, these 45 people, podcast insults and heavily manifestations heard the clarion call of Madrian and answered back in force, issuing forth from the forest spears in hand, ready to defend their commute infotainment with their very lives. Or dollars, whichever we need. And it would turn out it was dollars.

And if you too would like to inch us closer to Ask Coffee, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in an Ask Coffee kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media, and speaking on social media. Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. Just let him have the silence. Intro. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.