The Scathing Atheist - 588: Kicker Vicar Edition

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

In this week’s episode, science discovers a commencement speech can be WORSE than boring, Donald Trump finds a way to sell bibles to Christian people badly, and we’ll thaw out Don Ford once again. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Headlines: Louisiana set to be first state to require 10 Commandments in every classroom: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/louisiana-is-about-to-force-the-ten Harrison Butker's commencement speech was a disgrace to Catholics everywhere: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/harrison-butkers-commencement-speech Catholic League response "IN DEFENSE OF CHIEFS’ HARRISON BUTKER": https://www.catholicleague.org/in-defense-of-chiefs-harrison-butker/ Texas megachurch caught manipulating traffic data to get new stoplight: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/texas-megachurch-caught-manipulating Conservatives Are Having a Total Meltdown Over a Gay Animal Documentary: https://www.them.us/story/queer-planet-gay-animal-documentary-conservative-backlash Christian group’s rule keeping beaches closed on Sunday mornings may end: https://apnews.com/article/ocean-grove-new-jersey-sunday-beach-ban-2b92cb93e7b3bda5495974dbbd46c0c3 Trump’s USA-themed Bible doesn’t even include the right to vote for Black people & women: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2024/05/donald-trumps-usa-themed-bible-doesnt-even-include-the-right-to-vote-for-black-people-women/

Warning, this week's profanity contains a podcast. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Babbel, HelloFresh, and by the new language learning app for Christians, Just Shut the Fuck Up. Just Shut the Fuck Up, because everyone in every language has already heard your bullshit. And now, The Skating Atheist. Hi. scathing atheist. Hi, I'm... me. And as a NeuroSpicy person running community for the first time in his 30s, I can confirm we did, in fact, come from NeuroSpicy filthy monkey feet. It's Thursday.

It's May 23rd. And it's the first of the nine Bahrainian Holy Days, the Declaration of Bab. Yeah, and's episode, science discovers a commencement speech can be worse than boring. Donald Trump finds a way to sell Bibles to Christian people badly. And we'll thaw out Don Ford once again. But first, the diatribe. I was recently reminded of a conversation I had about 10 years ago where me and another atheist podcaster talked about where we thought we would be 10 years from then. And as foreign as this might seem to somebody appearing through the keyhole of the present, our chief concern in that conversation was whether or not the world would even need atheist activists in the distant year of 2024. Seems crazy in hindsight, but you gotta think about

where the country was at that time. Atheism was ascendant. All the various schisms that were destined to cleave our movement again and again, they were just little cracks in the ground at that point. Our numbers were swelling. Every month you heard about a new atheist conference popping up. Every week there was a new colleague in the atheist content creation space. Our voices dominated online conversations. And every year Pew would wrap encouraging new statistics about the decline in church attendance and religious affiliation and leave them for us under the tree. Politically, the country seemed to be headed in the right direction, if a bit sluggishly.

Right, we were well into Obama's second term by then and finding him a bit conservative for our tastes actually, but we'd taken a huge step towards universal healthcare, so big problems seemed solvable. We were still a year away from the Obergefell decision legalizing same-sex marriage, but you could already feel the momentum that was gonna lead us there. Social progress

seemed inevitable. Now to be clear, in the conversation about whether the world would still need secular activists 10 years on, both of us ultimately agreed that it would. You know, we weren't naive enough to think that we were on the precipice of some kind of total victory over a thousand-year-old institution, but we also didn't think even for a fucking, that ten years on we'd be holding a desperate rearguard action while the First Amendment is smuggled to a safe location over the fucking border. We sure as hell never thought that we'd have coerced prayer in public schools, tax dollars funding religious ones, and the forced birth of rape babies by now. But this is not a diatribe about how bad things are. I know it probably

feels like it is, but I don't bring any of this shit up in the interest of our past failures so much as our future successes, because activism can never be about now. It has to be about the future. That's the whole fucking point. And when I try to imagine that same conversation happening now between two atheist content creators who are a year into doing this shit, I have to figure their conversation is at least as bleak as ours was hopeful. When they try to imagine their shows ten years hence, they might legitimately wonder whether they'll have to record from Canada and smuggle their shit across the border on physical media. But if I

had to have it again, if I had to seek out that dude and we once again had a conversation about where we thought atheist activism would be ten years from now, I'd like to think that we'd have learned a bit of precognitive humility by now. I think we'd both know enough to say who the fuck knows. And we'd both be realistic enough to recognize that collectively we're all going to play a part in that answer. See, the mistake that we were making then, and it's as close to a cardinal sin as atheism has I think, was to assume that there was some kind of script that fate was following, that some inevitable force had been pushing us along until then and would continue to

do so. But as loathe as I am to well-actually Martin Luther King Jr., the arc of history doesn't bend toward shit. As terrifying a realization as this might be, we're all steering the ship of history together. The seas don't have in mind any particular direction to push us, but they push us nonetheless, and between their vicissitudes and our own, it's a fool's errand to try to say the ship is heading anywhere, let alone to try to predict where that port might be.

There's a lot of depressing shit in that realization, I'll grant you. It means that no social victory is permanent. It means that all the unity in the world might not keep us off the shoals. It means that planning and hoping are way more synonymous than we like to admit. But when shit looks bad enough, it kind of loops back around to being hopeful again. Because it means that we might not be as doomed as it looks like we are. When you see the bricks falling out of the wall of separation faster and faster, when you can see the Christian encroachment in our schools, when you see the theocracy bubbling

up from our courts, it's easy to feel like this fight is lost and anything short of building a bunker is ignorance. But a lot can happen in ten years. Titanic shifts in social norms can occur. They do occur with regularity. Every ten years, in fact. And if we all push our little corner of the wheel hard enough, they might just shift our way.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news, Wilmington. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Mario and Luigi to my Toad, Heath Ed Wright and Eli Bostic. Fellas, are you ready to jump to it? Okay, Eli jumps the highest? Yeah, and you failed to make Heath the tall one? We used to be roastmasters, no illusion.

Oh, alright, alright. Well, apparently you can't just rush through character selection, so we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week. Babble. Hi, welcome to foreign country. You've known you're going to be visiting for more than a year. Can I help you? Yes.

Um, helloing. I am inguanted one urine. Oh cool. You're you're American. This is a fun experience for me. One urine. Hey, a name experience for me. One urine. Hey, a name that's popular in a foreign country. What's up other name that's popular in this foreign country?

Yeah, there's an American here. He seems to think the reason he doesn't speak our language is volume. Urine. Yeah, why does he keep saying urine? Yeah, no idea. I don't know why he didn't just get Babel, right? What's Babbel? It's the science-backed language learning app that actually works.

Wow, really? Really. Babbel's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babbel's designed by real people for real conversations. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. It's true! I started using Babbel when they became a sponsor and Anna used it to brush up on her Swedish before our trip last year. Plus, their speech recognition helps with your pronunciation and accent. That's why I, Eli Bosnik, personally endorse Babbel. Wait, did he understand us?

Nah, it's probably just a coincidence. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com subscription but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash scathing. Get 55% off at babbel.com slash scathing spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash scathing. Rules and restrictions may apply. One urine. I mean, I think I should get him a urine. Yeah, man, get him a urine. Open wide. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Louisiana is a governor's signature away from becoming the first state to require the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom. And unfortunately, we already used up all our best loopholes when they did this shit within God we trust. So they already know to require that it be in English and big

enough to read and legible. And this law applies to all schools that receive public funding, by the way. So this includes colleges and universities. And as near as I can tell, yes, this would also include like a Jewish or Muslim school that was a private school, but got food subsidies. Okay, here's the thing. I checked the wording of the bill. I do have another loophole. It does say in the bill the Ten Commandments have to be the central focus of the poster, Heath. Yes, it does. But it does not say anything about having a bigger poster right above it that says, this is fucking dumb, with an arrow pointing down. Right? a bigger poster right above it that says, this is fucking dumb with an arrow pointing down.

Or that the poster can't be of the commandments being forced down Mitch McConnell's throat. There's lots of options out there. So quick thanks to Tony for sending this one to us at scathingnewsatgmail.com. Now if you're thinking to yourself, didn't some state already do that? That's because a bunch of states have been flirting with this for years now. Several states tested the water with laws requiring the display of the motto, In God We Trust, though before the Bremerton decision essentially nullified the establishment clause, they at least required these signs be donated rather than paid for using taxpayer funds.

But since that decision, a number of states' legislatures have flirted with the Ten Commandments requirement including South Carolina, Utah, Texas, and Oklahoma. But Louisiana was the first one to get it all the way through the legislative process. Cool. The saddest race ever. Yeah. By which I mean white people. Yeah, white people. That's us. White people.

Now, if you're thinking, wait, aren't we still doing the First Amendment? Welcome to the show. Eli's the funny one. I'm the smart one. He's the one that hates this bit. But no, we're not even pretending. Better call dibs on those archetypes fast, I might say something smarter funny.

I'm a dumb idiot, not funny. Until then. But we're not even pretending to abide by the establishment clause anymore. When this bill sponsor was asked about teachers and students who aren't Christian and don't subscribe to the 10 Commandments, she summarily dismissed their existence altogether, saying, quote, I'm not concerned with an atheist. I'm not concerned with a Muslim. I'm concerned with

our children looking and seeing what God's law is, end quote. And as much as I'd love to paraphrase that in a humorous way that exaggerates the extent to which she's flouting the First Amendment. Exaggerate a shun would be literally impossible without including the words, I'm flouting the First Amendment right now, so I can't do it. Yeah. When you're in the lines to the gas chambers, there's only so many ways you can congratulate the Germans on their honesty.

You know what I'm saying? And look, when people a little less egregious than her have been asked about this shit, they pretend that the point is to highlight the role that mosaic law played in shaping American jurisprudence. In their bartenized pseudo history, the US Constitution and Bill of Rights somehow were derived from the Ten Commandments, and thus their display is justified as a historical rather than religious document. And as nonsensical as that would be, even if it was true,

they don't require the display of the Magna fucking card or anything. It's also not true. So in reality, what we've done is we've just required the putting up of a poster in every fucking classroom that starts with the words, I am the Lord thy God. Yeah, followed by 11 more commandments for a total of 12.

No way to get 10 out of that. Yeah. The law actually says the poster has to start with the 10 commandments at the top followed by 12 commandments. Yep. Yeah. In the law. Yeah.

Oh, what if we just surround it with posters of other Bronze Age commandments, right? Like the Code of Hammurabi. Oh, there you go. And then we put a sign at the top that says, ain't I a stinker? Now clearly there will be lawsuits about this. The ACLU and Americans United for Separation of Church and State have already said as much. And according to Supreme Court precedent, this is an open and shut case. The exact same fucking thing was deemed illegal by the court in 1980.

But if there's one thing, this iteration of the Supreme Court hates its Supreme Court precedent. So as much as I support the ACLU and Americans United in their efforts, and as important as I believe those efforts to be, no realistic assessment expects them to be successful. Yeah. And in kick factor news. I'm so happy. We have a story about NFL kicker Harrison Butker.

Who? Great question. Unless you're a big football fan, you have no idea who I'm talking about. He's the kicker for the Kansas City Chiefs and also somehow the commencement speaker for Benedictine College, which made no sense even for Benedictine. He's not an alum. Also, football doesn't matter. And even if you think football does matter, the kicker, super duper doesn't matter. They only play during timeouts of football for this tiny little burst.

He's nothing. So why the fuck would an Institute of Higher Learning, asterisk, be choosing that guy to give a speech? Well, it's because the asterisk Benedictine is a Catholic school and they wanted somebody to parrot their toxic Conservative message. Yeah to be clear the missing piece from this story has been that a bigot college was trying to find someone Anyone who agreed with their dumbass beliefs and they had to resort to an NFL kicker because I guess the fucking water boy canceled. Yes. Yeah.

Not that the outrage against Buckeye is unjust or anything, but it should be dwarfed by the outrage at the college dedicated to all the poisonous shit that he was in the middle of saying. Right. Yeah. And the religion that college is organized. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And a big thanks to Lisa and Jay for sending over some links. Scathing news at gmail.com if you want to help out So the newly minted graduates of Benedictine were about to go out into the world And here's the inspiring message that they got from Harrison Butker. He started by talking about cultural values Well, okay Actually, he started by looking up some big words and doing his best to smush him in there just like a real idea talker. In terms of values, he said, quote, while COVID might have played a large role throughout your formative years, it is not unique. Bad policies and poor leadership have negatively impacted major life issues. Things like abortion, IVF, surrogacy, euthanasia, as well as a growing

support for degenerate cultural values and media all stem from the pervasiveness of disorder." What? End quote. Okay, Harrison, usually when Christians do that stupid list, they work one bad thing in there, right? You just straight up went with a list of good things that the rest of society thinks is fine, my man. Right, also you mistook your category for your cause. Those are the pervasive disorder in your warped little fucking mind, you nincompoop.

Not the fucking root of them. So from there, he tried to blame all the newfangled culture on the Associated Press, I think. But he got super confused by the concept of words like especially not, which apparently like flips everything around when you throw it into his head. So it's not exactly clear what he was going for. You tell me. He said, quote, So it's not exactly clear what he was going that has an entire month dedicated to it, but the true God-centered pride that is cooperating with the Holy Ghost to glorify Him." End quote.

All right, so I tried to diagram that sentence and it ended up being two hands drawing each other. Did I do it right? Yeah. So to clarify here, last year, I think the news ran a short story about how lots of Catholic colleges aren't doubling down on their bigotry the way that Benedictine is and Benedictine was like, fuck yeah, we are no dogs, no Jews. And Harrison is very

proud of them for that. And it went downhill from there somehow, because Butker hadn't given his take on gender roles Uh-huh. As informed by kicking a ball as his entire job He started by attempting a jab at Taylor Swift and then went straight into a misogynistic rant about how women should not Well emulate the giant success of the literal billionaire he just mentioned. Instead, they should be homemakers.

He said, quote, for the ladies present today, I wanna speak directly to you briefly because I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you. Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world."

Jesus, and pretty dresses, right? Y'all like pretty dresses too? He continued, I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother. I'm beyond blessed with the many talents God has given me. Kicking on balls is what he's talking about there. But it cannot be overstated that all of my success is made possible

because a girl I met in band class back in middle school would convert to the faith to become my wife and embrace one of the most important titles of all, homemaker." End quote. Yeah, and if you haven't actually heard the speech, he starts crying during that part because he's so moved by his wife's love and affection.

That or the rumor about his relationship with male cheerleaders in college are true, and he just remembered he has to fuck a woman later. And I know this has already been said far and wide, but I should emphasize here that these were all women, the women that he was talking to just graduated fucking college. They had just got done paying six figures for a degree and he's like, you know, it's nice as homemaking. Jesus. So yeah, that was terrible.

And it led to a very justified backlash against Butker and against terrible Catholic dogma in general, more importantly. Of course, that means we got a seething, strongly worded letter from the Catholic League entitled In Defense of Chiefs Harrison Butker. During their flailing screed, they explained that 50% of women with children under 18 said they prefer being stay-at-home moms. And yeah, I mean, that might seem like it

completely misses the point, but um... Well, that was the end of their thought. They were done. They were done with that. That whole section. They tried to do a gotcha quote of French feminist Simone de Beauvoir right after that. It's so stupid. She said something like, it's not healthy for that choice to be available to all these women because they might make it. Something like that. And their gotcha was like, oh, what

about pro-choice? I thought you were pro-choice. It's so stupid. It's great. Bottom line, much like the political opinions of the Catholic Church and the Catholic League, Harrison Butker is also wide right. There it is. And in stop dropping holy roll news, if there's anything I've learned from 11 years on this show, it's that if churches of any denomination have one thing in common, it's greed. It's not enough that they don't pay taxes on the free money they make for lying to people or that the government now will pay to resurface their private school playgrounds.

They always, always have their hand out for more. Which is exactly what happened this week when Lake Point Church in Rockwell, Texas tried to do a big old fraud to get the city to pay for their traffic light. And that's above, of course, the regular amount of fraud that we legally protect for them. Right. Yeah, obviously. Okay.

I guess Jesus took the wheel and ran a few too many stop signs. That's so weird. They need a light now. Yeah. So first off, big thanks to SIN for being the first to send us this story to scathingnewsatgmail.com. I'm not saying if your name is synonymous with a word Christian people don't like, we'll pick a story that you send us to scathingnewsatgmail.com. But if your name is HappyTransKidsMcBorschen, you're right through the door. So, like I said, this all started with the church's attempt to get the city to pay for a new stoplight at the rear exit of their church.

Right now, the church has to pay for police officers to direct traffic in that area, and if there was a stoplight there, they wouldn't have to do that. The problem was, in order for a stoplight to be approved, the church had to prove there was enough traffic in the area to deem it necessary. The church hired an engineering firm to count the cars in the area the deem it necessary. So the church hired an engineering firm to count the cars in the area the way they're supposed to and then I'm not kidding they sent out a we're planning on committing fraud volunteer email like a prayer tree for Kathy's hip surgery. Look at an engineering firm guys

like hey if you back up and cross again it it doesn't count lady. It's not. Okay. Now your car has a mustache and glasses. We watched you put that on your car with a camera. We're using a camera. That's how we're watching right now. Yeah. Where did you get that?

So according to religion news services, the church then sent out an email to small group leaders asking them to have their members sign up for time slots to, Keith you were so close with your joke, drive in the area saying, quote, each shift is a commitment to drive the prescribed route 10 times within that hour shift. It's great if you can make it 10, more than 10 laps within the hour, but laps are only counted towards that specific shift. Just read if you can, yeah. I love that they have time slots, right?

Cause they were thinking about doing this and they're like, guys, we're all just going to show up at once and it's going to look stupid. Be stupid, yeah. So yeah, they pretty much immediately got caught. And right now their excuse is that this was all the actions of one zealous team member who? Had access to the head of the church's email and and the head of their campus signed up for a shift and their screenshots of that

But other than that it was one rogue Super hacker member of their church who just like really wanted to defraud the city apparently okay now You're just moving a matchbox car right next to the camera. We can see your hand. Yeah, so needless to say that data is not going to be accepted by the city and they'll probably be paying for a traffic cop until this story isn't the first thing that comes up when you Google them. But it's a good reminder that if these people were satisfiable, they wouldn't have

invented an afterlife to keep conning you in forever. Right? Yeah, no, look, they're willing to commit fraud over the cost of traffic cops, folks. What does that tell you about the institution? And while you ponder that, we're gonna pause for a word from this week's other sponsor, HelloFresh. I can't believe I let you guys talk me into picking strawberries. Oh, come on, Noah. It's not that bad. Yeah, it's fun. It's a hundred degrees and the lady at the front gate said if she caught us eating, she

would shoot us. She has firm boundaries. Exactly. She does have firm boundaries. Besides, how else are we going to eat fresh and seasonal meals? I mean, we could try HelloFresh. What's? I'll go to my mouth.

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picked at peak ripeness, and delivered straight from the farm to your door. So no trips to Berry Prison? No trips to Berry Prison. I don't know, Noah. Isn't that meal delivery stuff bad for the environment? Actually, on average, HelloFresh meals have a 31% lower carbon footprint than meals of the same portion size made from supermarket ingredients.

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It's like they're aiming for our mouths. Right? Right? Yeah. But yeah, the meals are unpacked in seconds and loaded into the fridge in their own bags. So I knew exactly what to grab when I was ready to cook. That's why I know illusions personally endorse HelloFresh. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Go to HelloFresh.com Skating Suite for free desserts for life.

One dessert item per box while your subscription is active. That's free dessert for life at HelloFresh.com slash scathingsweet. Alright guys, let's get out of here. Yeah, let's go pay that lady $85 and go home. We have like four strawberries. Oh, closer to a 100 then. Yeah. And in nature versus nature news, animals are gay sometimes, Anna.

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. Yeah, that's right. We have another Christian freak out. Oh, this is so good. This time it might be a super freak out thanks to the release of the trailer for an upcoming documentary called Queer Planet

According to the official synopsis Queer Planet looks at extraordinary creatures witnesses amazing behaviors and introduces the scientists who are questioning the traditional concept of what's natural when it comes to sex and gender and the mere mention of, you know, things that are true, like the existence of non-heteronormative behavior in the animal kingdom, that's led to a Christian right panic. Okay, what's so funny is that this movie is proof that the concept of gender is fucking nonsense when you project it onto animals that haven't been culturally brainwashed to believe it and people are like, Dua Lipa is turning the lions gay. Right, right.

Look, orgasms feel good and they're animals. You think the dog that won't stop trying to fuck your leg draws the line and a dude dog because of some deeply engrained sense of moral rectitude. What the fuck is wrong with you people? It's insane. And a big thanks to Lilayna for the link. Skatingnews at gmail.com. Bye Lilayna. So Queer Planet is narrated by Andrew Rannells,

who played the original elder Kevin from the Book of Mormon. Possible co-worker. Yeah, almost. He almost got to work with Eli. And during the trailer, we learn that nature includes gay penguins bisexual lions and sex-changing clownfish

They might as well have said hey Alex Jones gay frogs. No, but seriously Frogs you gonna be okay and no he will not be okay Mostly because his net worth is approximately negative 1.5 billion dollars. Yeah, yeah, I'll do it but also because his me both Alex is very strong opinions about Wild animal fucking that he has got contradicted and he's an idiot So he decided to help the new documentary with some free attention by tweeting an angry article along with the comment queer planet equals a dead planet yeah I mean maybe if you stop making them suicidal by being a bigot Alex there would be yeah right right no yeah I was about to say something about like what do you think the animals just

recently became gay dude but he does He does because of the juice box liners. Return in the rugs, gay. I'll stomp your guts out. I'm a murderer. I'll fuck the back of your car. I'm pretty sure that guy, that guy was in fact, I think, saying that queer behavior in the animal kingdom would end the existence of life much like it hasn't. And I'm especially confident that's what he meant because those are almost the exact words from fellow lunatic talking head Tommy Lahren who posted, The queer planet documentary is really something. If animals were indeed gay, there would be no more animals.

Just basic science there. Okay, honestly though, right-wingers not understanding the concept of some explains a ton about that. Maybe we should like we should tell them that some foods are poisonous and watch them all starve to death, right? No, you're not kidding me. Larratt also decided that scientific facts are a cultural attack on her personal worldview Animals she added quote I wonder if the gay animals get special and protected status in the animal kingdom or just in this circus

We've allowed in the human world a circus. Yeah, they're animals clever and again It wasn't just the one idiot, Tommy Lahren, lamenting that, you know, wokeness has gone too far among wild animals. We got similar thoughts, asterisk, from Fox News, the New York Post, the Daily Mail, and alt-right activist, Kaya Rachik. You might remember her from last month when she spread the absurd lie that a middle school in Utah was putting litter boxes in the bathrooms to accommodate cat people. Well according to her, according to Rachik, using her account called at end wokeness, quote, queer planet is focused on LGBTQI plus tolerance among the animal kingdom.

No, this is not satire. End quote. Maybe she was referring to herself as the sat kingdom. No, this is not satire." Maybe she was referring to herself as the satire. Oh, there you go. It's hard to tell. I'm not a po. I know that I'm representing one, but I'm not. All right. Well, yeah, check out Queer Planet. It comes out on Peacock on June 6th. Sounds delightful. Even without the lovely bonus of all the bigots being terrified by

Jack's notes adorable gay penguins yeah And in beach of a Sun news There's a lot of wonderful things about my current home state of New Jersey Safe schools well-funded rooms better bagels and pizza than all but one of our neighboring states, but we've also got some truly magnificent beaches. For like 41 days a year. Yes, correct. And it looks like one of those beaches might just extend its hours this week because

honoring God was about to get really fucking expensive. Okay. My curiosity has peaked. So what happened in the story? Okay. All right. Thank you, Heath. I am a master wordsmith. I've drawn you in. Are you vague booking your own story? No, you're building a moment. I get it. Thank you. I'm building the tension. Master wordsmithing a moment. I congratulated our bagels and pizza without starting a fight I think I did a lot of a lot of good work was done. Okay, so what happened? So first of all Just gave the news gmail.com Beth you deserve a ripper

Why what's a ripper you ask just two deep-fried hot dogs covered in peppers, onions, and potatoes on a sub roll. A New Jersey classic that does not sound like the kind of thing Dagwood would try to convince Heath not to eat out of self respect. Not a good angle to convince me about stuff Dagwood. That's not how it's going to work. All the things I can't eat since my heart attack, that might be the thing I'm least sad about. Oh guys, no, sorry.

I can't have a ripper. I'd love one. Also if you're picturing something that's like neat and orderly that we somehow make work and you know No, it's just it's just an explosion entropy sandwich, but it's yes Exactly Anyway, this story comes to us from Ocean Grove, New Jersey or as they'd like to be known God's square mile at the Jersey Shore. Okay. Oh, God. And here I thought my title for thing I hate the most with the words Jersey Shore and it was cemented. Okay. Yeah, exactly. So all the land in Ocean's Grove is owned by a religious nonprofit and they unsurprisingly suck. Like last year when a lesbian couple wanted to

get married in their pavilion. So the religious group said no and then when they got sued and lost the lawsuit They just stopped letting anyone get married in their now abandoned pavilion So, you know, these are great folks with open hearts and minds everybody Okay. So all I'm saying is if any gay couples we know want to do a flash mob wedding in Jersey I will jump through whatever hoops I need to to get certified as an efficient. Fantastic. Oh, absolutely. And I'll jump through hoops as part of the entertainment, right?

Like hoop it. Right, yeah, you gotta have a hoop guy. On form. So Eli, what happened in this story? I'll get to it, God! Rushing. Yup, okay. About which we might respond humorously on our podcast.

I had, I had, there were japs, there were japs. Japs aplenty. Are you not having fun? Do you love me? Right. So one of the stupid rules at Ocean City is that they close their beach until noon on Sundays because God is using the beach or something. I don't know. Anyways, that's illegal. You're not allowed to close public places like beaches and parks according to one specific set of religious beliefs. And they have tried to enforce this, right? One couple who were interviewed by the Associated Press defied the rules last year and the religious organization called the police on them.

But, but the cops didn't actually do anything, but that's fucking buck wild though, right? Okay. I love that Jersey cops showed up and they were like, yeah, guys, we're definitely fucking bigots, but this is nothing. You gotta bigot way better than that. It's nice to be able to-

Yeah, right, you are allowed to barbecue here, actually. They're white. But as we've learned so many times on this show, if there's one thing that matters to Christians more than their deeply held religious beliefs, it's their wallets. So when the state brought a lawsuit against the organization this year, which means they'd have to pay $25,000 to keep enforcing their rules, it was quickly removed from their website.

Maybe it was raptured. Okay. So their sincerely held beliefs are less than 25 grand sincerely. That's the official amount. Less than that, mathematically. Now, to be fair, neither the Association or their lawyers have responded to a request for comment, and now that they've gotten some press, they, like every other Christian in the last 20 years, may decide that this is religious persecution and get their case overturned

by the Supreme Court. But for now, it looks like they're folding. And I have a new vacation spot picked out if this year's matriarch fundraiser goes well. Every beach is a nudist beach if you're naked enough, podcast lister. And finally tonight, Donald Trump is out of money

and he needs a new revenue stream. Apparently the demand from Trump supporting sneakerheads to get $400 extremely ugly high tops wasn't quite what he hoped for. But as we all know, Donald Trump is a savvy businessman. And what does a savvy businessman do when he needs money? He finds some public domain writing and teams up with an almost dead country musician to sell a hip new rebranded version of the Bible. It's called the God Bless the USA Bible, named after the amazing song by his partner, Lee

Greenwood. And it's only $59.99. Finally, a Bible that mentions God's favorite country. Yeah, right. No, that price might sound a little steep, but guys, it comes pre-read. See, you have to deal with it. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so what are you getting for your $59.99 other than paying the legal bills for treason? The book includes the entire text of the King James Bible, along with the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Pledge of Allegiance. Steamboat Willie Winnie the Pooh. Okay, but don't answer yet. It also comes with a handwritten chorus to God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood, by which

they mean a printed chorus, but in like handwriting, lettering. Or maybe they have an octogenarian writing the chorus out. Any of these, I don't know. And if you want the verses written out, you can go fuck yourself. But the most important detail is what you're not getting. It does include the first 10 amendments,

like I said, the Bill of Rights, but not the 11th through the 27th. Quick reminder, that means they skipped over, among other things, the woke new amendments like the abolition of slavery and voting rights for women and black people. Well, yeah, but people would get confused by amendments that directly conflicted with the Bible sections that were just before that. Right, Exactly. Yeah. So Trump posted a video to announce the big release during which he stands in front of approximately three dozen American flags and he says, quote, religion and Christianity are the biggest things missing from this country.

And I truly believe we need to bring them back. Christians are under siege. He also added that his favorite book of all time is the Bible. Okay, I'll tell you what, Donald, open the Bible to any page, any page you like. If you can read all the words on that page correctly on your first try,

I will vote for you in November. Yeah, or name a single Bible quote, right? Just give me chapter and verse on anything or name three books of the Bible or both of the testaments even. Yep. And just one other amazing detail. On Tuesday of this week, Truth Social reported a net loss of $327.6 million during the first quarter of 2024 alone.

And by the end of that day, the share price of Trump Media dropped by about 10%. He owns more than half of the shares and isn't allowed to sell for another five months or so because of SEC rules and a lock-in provision in his financing contract. So not looking good. But again, savvy businessman. So maybe he can spin the new Bible venture into the Truth Social Company

and then, you know, sell like 5,460,910 Bibles at $59.99. And then still be in the hole from the first quarter because that would be how we'd call it. Yeah, not quite in. Still got to pay Lee Greenwood. Yeah, right. All right. Well, that's just a shot of schadenfreude that we love to close on. So we're going to wrap up the headlines there.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. To Bonjie. And when we come back, we'll go ahead and Ford that river after all. Hey podcast listener, I'm Noah Lujans. I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. As you probably know by now, it's Matreon, that time of year when we hit you extra hard for your hard earned dollars over at Patreon.com. By signing up to support us, you not only help us make this show, but bring on special

guests and friends like Marsh, Kara, and Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure. That's right Noah, but that's not all. For every new and upgrading member to our Patreon we get this month, we're hitting all sorts of fun goals for our pajama party and more. For instance, we already hit the goals for a song from Anna, a magic trick from me, and behind the scenes scathing content. But there's more. Just days before this record, we hit our goals for a vegan snack tasting and the long requested

Diet Tribes Volume 3. That's right, for Diet Tribes Volume 3, I'm going to be selecting my favorite 100 Diet Tribes from the first 500 episodes. And we couldn't have done it without your support, but there are still so many goals left for us to hit. Heath DMing an episode of D&D minus, coffee animas, and Heath and Noah agreeing to do one episode of My Terrible Show Ideas. So increase or sign up to make a new pledge today to help us hit our goal and follow along

at matrion.com. M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. Uncomfortably close to putting coffee up our butts. Yeah, we are. Too excited, man. Yeah, we are. Are? Ha! And then Anne and me and Anna are going're gonna take a ride on mom's boat.

Oh, that's nice. You're not going, Eli? Yeah, I don't like things poor people can afford. Okay, yeah, sure, that tracks it. Hey guys, you ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? I sure am.

Me too. Don, when did you get here? Oh, no, I'm not Don. I'm a short-lived clone Eli created from one of Don's hairs last time he came. I see. Do you do voices? Really? That's your question?

I mean, yeah. Yes, I do voices. Nice. So when we left off, Jesus was going around miracleing and John the Baptist had just been killed for telling Heath he couldn't marry his brother's wife. King Herod killed John the Baptist. I just do the voice of him. Anyway, Jesus needs a little solo time so he tells his followers to head out into the

open water while he goes to meditate on a mountain. Do you guys think I have a soul? Probably not, no. Okay. Okay, I spy with my little eye. Water. You didn't let me finish. Is it though? Yeah.

Hey, guys, look at that out on the water. Yeah, it's it's a figure of a man. Yeah. Well, it's got to it's got to be a ghost, right? Has to be right. More like a Holy Ghost. What's up, right? Has to be, right? More like a holy ghost. What's up bitches? Lord Jesus, you're walking on water. Oh yeah, I prefer serving on water, but yeah, you know.

Jesus, if it's really you, let me walk with you on the water. Okay, sorry Peter. How would that prove that that was me? I said I want to try! Okay fine, fine, come out here, jeez. Wow! Wow, I'm doing it guys! Okay watch the win buddy.

Why is it not going to work? Okay Peter get up here, why did you stop believing? Why is everything with you Tinkerbell rules? Look, I don't have Tinkerbell rules. Someone grab him a towel. Totally have Tinkerbell rules. So Jesus goes around healing people some more. And now it's time for another argument with the Pharisees.

Hey, Jesus. Oh my God, Pharisees. What do you want now? Sniffy. Okay. Well, we noticed that your disciples don't wash their hands before they eat, which is not only like the only good tradition that's in the book, but it's also going against the traditions of our fathers.

Okay, how come you don't kill disobedient children? I'm sorry, is this supposed to be a gotcha? Admitting that your dad wrote a book that tells people to kill children? No, I'm saying you're hypocrites. About your dad's book? Look, it doesn't matter whose dad wrote the book. You guys are hypocrites, right? Like, look, everyone gather around.

I'm going to explain to everybody what can actually make you impure, okay? It's not what you eat, it's not what you drink, it's the words that come out of your mouth, okay? Wow, I'm totally going to live by that from now on. Oh, you are? Sure am. I'm going to eat bacon. And I'm never washing my hands again.

Nice. Okay, note, guys, that statement isn't telling you to eat bacon. It's emphasizing the importance of not speaking ill of other people. I think it was about bacon and hand washing. Okay. So, now it's time for a Canaanite to ask Jesus for a favor. What's a Canaanite? Well, they're a nomadic tribe and their historical origins are complicated, but the Bible just kind of uses them for like as a stand-in for bad brown person.

Right. So like, what voice are we gonna be doing? Cecil Bostonlady? Yeah. Okay, sounds good. Nice! Hey Jesus! Fuckin fucking Jesus or whatever oh hello there canine night lady um how can I help it's my fucking daughter she ain't rooting for the pets like she used to okay I don't know what that means is that like a is that like a sex thing she's fucking full of demons is what it fucking means now do you

bibbity-bobbidi boo on her Lord Jesus? She's really loud you mind asking her to stop shouting Yeah, I believe you look I really appreciate the offer and everything but I come for the lost sheep of Israel If you know what I mean, I do not know what you mean I I don't take the bread of children and give it to dogs. Okay, first off, awesome thing for the son of God to say about a human being, top notch. But two, don't dogs get a crumb now and then? Huh? Little bibbity-bobbity-boo? What do you say? Huh?

Alright, alright, you convinced me, but will you please, for the love of me, take off the jersey? I can't, I'm Donald Ducking it under here and I'll get arrested again. Oh, got it. So, Jesus feeds more people, like four thousand this time. With leftovers? Yep, with leftovers. Nice, I like that. And then it's time to argue with the Pharisees some more.

Again. So, you sure you don't want to give us a sign or something? Yes, and asking for a sign is the way of the devil. Okay. Well, see ya, I guess. Ugh, that's the lord of the universe. Jesus, you seem really upset. Oh yeah, you know what?

I just thought of something else too. Don't take yeast from the Pharisees. Don't take yeast from the Pharisees? What's that mean? Maybe he's mad that we're out of bread? Oh. Why would I be mad that we're out of bread? I just literally made 4,000 loaves of bread.

Okay, I don't know. Maybe you need bread to start with or something. Yeah, everything with you is Tinkerbell rules. Everything I do is not Tinkerbell rules. It totally is. Thank you. You wanted to see us, Jesus? Okay, yeah, guys, come on in.

So, like, you know, be serious. What are people saying about me? Um, don't you know already? Because you're the son of God. I mean, yeah, obviously, but like, what have you heard? Oh, well, some people think you're John the Baptist. Yeah, some people think you're Elijah the Baptist. Yeah, some people think you're Elijah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And, um, what do you guys say?

I mean, we say you're the Christ, the Son of God. Wait, sorry, the Christ? Yeah, Jesus is the Christ. What do you mean, the Christ? The anointed one. It comes from the Greek word for anoint. Oh, Christ. Uh, yeah.

Cool. Now, sure. Obviously. What did you think Christ meant? Ah, I thought it was his last name, didn't you? No, maybe. Okay. Anyways, yes, Peter, that is a hundred percent correct. I am the Christ and only God could have told you that. Wow, thanks Jesus. I mean, he's been telling

us he's the son of God for the whole book. And, and because you got it right... I wasn't aware that this was a quiz. You are the rock upon which my church is based. You hold the keys to heaven. What you forbid on earth shall be forbidden in heaven. Awesome. And, um, what about us? Yeah. Oh, you guys are also here. Hmm. Fun.

OK, everybody, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. OK, you don't have to say ding, ding, just hit your glass. Oh, well, no. OK, so a little bit of bad news. The rest of the book is going to be pretty sad, because I do have to go to Jerusalem and be tortured and killed. No, Jesus! We can't let this happen! Oh, get thee behind me, Satan. You care too much about the world.

What good is the world if you lose your souls? I mean, I didn't want you to die. Very much not about the world. It's about you, Weeders. Just saying. Listen, I'm gonna die, yes, but verily I say unto you, there be some standing here which shall not taste of death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom. Oh, well, okay, well, that's a relief. And give or take a couple thousand years, maybe. Sorry, what? Oh, well, yeah, you know, just, you know, I'll have a lot of people to catch up with

and have a little paperwork and whatnot. Okay, but you just said that some of us will live to see you come back. Yes. I did. I did. I did. I very explicitly did say that, yes. But you know, if I'm not back in 40 years or whatever, just keep telling people I'll be right back, you know, for however long that takes.

Okay, but won't that make us look like dozens and dozens of generations of idiots? Yeah. Even when you come back, all those other believers will have been definitionally wrong. Right. Okay, yeah, but when I do come back, right, those guys will be like, so right. You know, like, so right. So right. So right. Got it.

Peter, James, John, come with me. I want to show you something. Dude, we know you're not wearing a watch. Watches haven't even been invented yet. No, no, no, not that. Look. Moses and Elijah. Right? Surprise! Damn.

We should make them like tabernacles or something, right? This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear ye him. Holy shit, was that God? DAD! What did I say about coming down when my friends are over? What? I just wanted to stop by and say hi. You guys, you guys doing tabernacle stuff?

I tabbed a knuckle or two in my day, you know? Oh, my God, that's so embarrassing. Fine, fine. I'm going. I'm going. You kids have fun. OK? We will. Thanks, Mr. God. Please don't tell anyone about that till I've risen from the dead. OK? You got it, Jesus.

Ah, shit. What? Yeah, I meant to ask your dad about baby cancer. I forgot to do it. Next time, next time I'll ask him. Oh, yeah, next time, sure. So now Jesus is going to do a little ahistorical prophecy correcting? Um, Jesus?

Yes, my disciple. Why does the Bible say that Elijah would come back before the Son of God? Um, it does. Yeah. Uh, well, he was here. Oh, Elijah came back? Uh, yeah, of course. Wouldn't be the Savior if he hadn't. He was John the Baptist.

I'm sorry. John the Baptist was Elijah. That is what I said just now. Oh, how come he never told us? Oh, cause humble, humble dude. Just salt of the earth. Okay. Well, as long as he doesn't explicitly deny it in case someone writes another book,

like in John 1.21 for example, that should be fine then. Oh yeah, yeah, he just, you know, didn't get around to mentioning it. It's two failed prophecies this week for those keeping count. I'm sorry, what? I said what a humble guy John was. Exactly. Excuse me, Mr. Jesus. Yes, old man.

Will you heal my son? He's a lunatic, you see. Oh, oh. He falls sometimes into water. And sometimes into fire. This is way worse. This is way worse than water. Yeah, we asked your disciples to cure him, but they couldn't.

Uh, yeah, sorry about that. It's cause they don't believe enough. See? Tinkerbell rules! Uh, it... Not! It is not! Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, Devil, I rebuke you.

I'm cured! Okay, just real quick, can I get some healing for the burns though? Okay, devil, I rebuke you. I'm cured. Okay, just real quick. Can I get some healing for the burns though? Okay, listen, everyone. You really got to start believing, okay? Pretty badly burned. Even if your faith is as small as a mustard seed, you will have to be able to move mountains with it, guys.

So no then? No healing the wounds from the burns? Such is the power of God. Cool. Just hang out So now it's time for Jesus to pay his taxes Wait, really? Yeah. Yeah, really? Hey Jesus Peter

How you doing, honey? Uh good. What do you think of this hat? I'm thinking maybe I could wear this big pointy hat from now on. I mean, it's a little much, you know. I'll think about it. I'll think about it. Okay. So the tax collector came by and he asked if we pay taxes and I didn't know what to tell him. Do we pay taxes?

Oh, yeah, of course we pay taxes. You want to set a precedent of a hundred and trillion dollars in missing tax money every year? Oh, of course. Yeah, so um Do you have like a like a wallet? or No, go to the sea catch a fish in that fish's mouth will be a coin and use that coin To pay our taxes. Oh Cool, like a miracle. Oh exactly ta-da! All right um

couldn't you just like magic it out of the air or you know maybe pull it from behind my ear? No go get the fish. Go get the fish yeah fine so I'll I'll spend the day fishing Yeah, fine. So I'll spend the day fishing for the Son of God's taxes. Thank you! And Peter? Yes? Keep the hat. You're totally pulling it off. Right? It works on you. Yeah, no, it grows on you.

And with His Church thus established and His taxes thus provisioned, we'll wrap up for now, but the Bible is never over, so there'll be more to come on next month's installment of Bible Peace Theory. Before we pull this one into the garage, I want to remind you that we're more than two thirds of the way through May, and statistically speaking, you haven't pledged yet. We'd really appreciate it if you do just go to Maytron.com to learn more about it. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Shows

Hot Friend Got Off A Moose Day being at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our Half Sister Shows Citation Day being at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I can't call it a show if I neglect to thank Heath Enright for his willingness and even eagerness to take caffeine up the ass for the team, apparently. I need to thank Eli Bosnik for the valiant effort he's made to try to talk Keith down from that ledge. I need to thank my cardiologist for his willingness to give me a note excusing me from the ass coffee if need be. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lujans for letting us have the Harrison Butker story this week. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure, for fighting through a tail end of a nasty ass cold to be here.

I want to thank me for providing this week's Nero spicy Farsworth quote. Not me, but me. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous matrions. Jeff, Atlas, Fred, Magneta, Lizard, Rain, Tom, David, the Patreon saint of podcasts, Michael, the above average dog, Clyde, the Fox, Mark, Boston, Christina, Andrews, Zack, Zack, Zack, Zack, Zack, Zack, Michael, Joe, Lock, Unruly, Murmur, Christopher, Richard, fucking Macy, Andy, Molly Wright, Smut for Money, Eric, Kirsten, Van Wolf, It's Carolyn, Matthew, Aidan, Kieran, and Morn,

who are so hot, Godzilla would have to switch to ice breath on them. Together, these 31 thirsty ones thoroughly won our affection this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to have less on our account but if you do you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you're on early access to an extended every version of every episode and inch-heat ever closer to ask coffee or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the

home page at scathingatheist.com and if you'd like to help but you're waiting until you won't be responsible for ask coffee in the meantime you can help a ton by leaving a five star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morton Clark. We also wrote a little music that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. Dibs on Toad. I already took Toad. He digs the fastest in Mario 2.

He does, it's true. Looks like Donald Trump's penis apparently, so you can have him. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2024, all rights reserved.