The Scathing Atheist - 608: Contractually Obligated Edition

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

In this week’s episode, Jerry Falls Well into our show again, Harvard scientists give us the REAL story about underground lizard alien angels, and CS Lewis explains that he could have sex with a woman any time he wants. And enjoy it. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Headlines: Liberty University and Jerry Falwell Jr. kiss and make up: https://religionnews.com/2024/10/04/jerry-falwell-is-back-and-its-bad-for-everyone/ Pregnancy centers sue California AG to stop enforcement of business fraud statutes against them: https://religionclause.blogspot.com/2024/10/pregnancy-centers-sue-california-ag-to.html Melania Trump announces pro-choice stance in her new book:  https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/04/us/politics/melania-trump-book-abortion-2020-election.html Al Pacino confirms "there's nothing there" after we die— "You're gone": https://www.avclub.com/al-pacino-near-death-experience Alien ‘Cryptoterrestrials’ Could Be Secretly Hiding Deep Underground, Harvard Scientists Claim: https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/a62353038/are-aliens-hiding-underground/ https://futurism.com/harvard-scientists-unknown-civilization-cryptoterrestrials

Warning, the following podcast contains references to the body parts we're supposed to pretend don't exist in polite company. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Mint Mobile, and by my effort to change the name to Hura Abels and see if that makes them stop killing motherfuckers. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Autumn greetings, everyone. It's time for bonfires, apple picking, pumpkin spice, and spooky stories. And that means it's also time to please get your annual COVID and flu shots

so you can be with us to celebrate many more seasons to come. Now, once again, help me start the music. We did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 10th. And it's National Depression Screening Day. And uh, yep, still got it. Damn, thanks for checking. I'm no illusions. Ah, me lie Bosnians.

Ah, me then, right. And from Muhammad Ali's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Jerry falls well into our show again. Harvard scientists give us the real story about underground lizard alien angels. And C.S. Lewis explains that he could have sex with a woman anytime you want it and enjoy it. But first, the diatribe.

I'm about goddamn tired of hearing what a miracle it all was. As many of you know, my town got walloped pretty hard by Hurricane Helene. Now, on the scale of towns that got hit by Helene, we did alright. But on the scale of storms that have hit way across Georgia, this is the worst thing in living memory. And it may very well be that the worst hit spot in the entire fucking city was my backyard. No fewer than five trees dominoed their way into it and landed in a giant wooden knot. It's so bad in fact that I honestly cannot tell you how many trees are down back there.

Now fortunately Lucinda and I weren't in town when all this happened. We were still on vacation when the storm rolled through, so we got to avoid the scary part and just come home to the aftermath. We've got family in town, so they already reported back about the important stuff. Our cats were fine, our yard was bad, but it wasn't catastrophically bad. It could have been.

It got really close, in fact. One giant Georgia pine had fallen right between my house and my garage with less than five feet clearance on either side. And so naturally, whenever people see that tree now, when they see how close it came to smoosh in my house and they see all the snarl of giant pines Lincoln logging their way through my backyard, they almost cannot help but tell me what a miracle it all is. And I get the sentiment, I'm trying to be sympathetic to it. Every single fucking person,

every family member, every neighbor, the lineman that came out and got my power back on, the tree removal guys, my weed guy, the mail carrier, the UPS driver, the Uber Eats lady, all of them have taken it upon themselves to attribute my good fortune to divine intervention. It's a miracle! It's the hand of God. It looks like somebody was looking out for you. Motherfuckers, that somebody just dropped five trees on my shit. So let's just start with how insensitive it is to tell somebody whose property was just weather-fucked how lucky they are. I mean, look, I agree. I'm really lucky that nothing completely destroyed my home, but so are all the other people in my neighborhood

and most of those motherfuckers don't have five goddamn trees down in their backyard. In fact, of all the homes in my town that weren't destroyed in the storm, I may very well be the least lucky if we're gonna invoke divine intervention here. It looks way more like their God was tossing shit at my house and missing than that he was holding shit back.

None of the goddamn trees down there started out in my backyard. So it feels like the better interpretation if you want to put a religious spin on this shit is that God was pushing all the trees towards the atheist yard so his followers wouldn't have to deal with that shit. Because to be clear, there is damage. Nothing fell through my house, but plenty of shit fell on it. One quarter of the roof is all smashed in, the beautiful bamboo fence that the previous owner built is completely wrecked, one of the windows in the garage is broken, the skylight

over the kitchen is cracked, and we discovered five days after when we got our first big fucking rain that there's a huge leak in the roof over my bedroom. And yes, when you compare us to the hundreds of people who lost their lives and the thousands of people who lost their family members, we are very fortunate. But when you compare us to pretty much everybody else, we kind of got fucked. And it feels really weird to be repeatedly told how miraculous the five figures worth of damage to your home is. But it isn't just frustrating and dismissive, it's also disrespectful as all hell to the people who didn't fare as well as we did.

God looked out from my house, my atheist house, but not the Christian firefighter one town over who was killed in the storm while he was on an emergency call. God found the time to mostly nudge the trees out of the way of my house, but he didn't divert the waters that wiped out whole towns in North Carolina, he spared my property but not the 230 plus human lives that the storm took. If he did, then fuck him, and if he didn't, and he didn't, then fuck anybody who would imply otherwise. Because no, the fact that my fucking house didn't get more fucked isn't a miracle, but there were miracles.

The miracles were the linemen that came from hundreds of miles away and worked 80 hour weeks to get us back to normal. The miracles were the emergency workers who went out in the middle of that storm, the community groups that popped up to distribute clean water the next morning, my wife driving hundreds of miles back and forth to the nearest operating grocery store to buy diapers for people she's never met, the dozens of people who reached out to offer us a place to stay, the hundreds of people who reached out to offer other kinds of help, all the neighbors that pitched in to clear one another's yards and get the fucking roads back open.

Ours was a town awash in miracles, but they were the kind of miracles you can't see if you're looking up. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Visa and MasterCard to my AMEX, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik. Fellas, are you ready to charge ahead? Sorry, I don't want to do a correction on air but I'm very clearly the amex of this podcast not everyone can take me and it's my fault strictly more as a discover card okay that's the meanest thing you've ever said yeah right yeah all right well Eli take some minutes to absorb that blow we're gonna pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Stamps.com. HR.

Okay. What about Wednesday at midnight? Uh, no, I've got the bird box monsters. Still. Yeah. Landlord said he was going to send somebody out last week, but nobody showed up. Hey fellas, what you doing? Uh, we're just trying to find a time to run to the post office, but Noah's dealing with some, uh, local challenges, if you know what I mean?

Oh, Tuesday at 3am, the hurricanes usually take care of the blood wolves. Could we go then? I think it's closed at 3am. Also, are those wolves made of blood or wolves who drink blood? Yeah. Uh huh. Okay. Cool.

So, if you guys want to save yourselves time and hassle at the post office, why don't you try Stamps.com? What's Stamps.com? Cool. So if you guys want to save yourselves time and hassle at the post office, why don't you try Stamps.com? What's Stamps.com? From small businesses to multi-location organizations, Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever. With Stamps.com, you can access the USPS and UPS mailing services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone anytime day or night. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. Wow, Heath, that sounds great.

But will it save me money? Sure will. With Stamps.com, you'll get rates you can't find anywhere else, like up to 89% off USPS and UPS. Plus, you can order shipping and mailing supplies, labels, and even printers from the supply store when you're on loan. All right, Heath, I'm in. Where do I sign up?

Free up more time for more important business with Stamps.com. Sign up at Stamps.com and enter the code SCATHING for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. That's Stamps.com code SCATHING. Fantastic, Heath. Thanks. Oh, guys, give me a second. There's another chainsaw tornado. I got to move into the basement. You have to move from your house now.

Can't hear you. I'm ducking chainsaws. OK. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we've been doing this show long enough now that some of our regulars have come and gone. And when they go, that's universally a good thing because the way you become a regular on this show is by being fucking awful.

But there's also a part of me that misses them once they're gone. You know, you spend enough time considering what genital infliction a person's visage most looks like and you almost feel like you get to know them. Which is why as terrible a thing as it is from a moral perspective, I'm actually kind of giddy to report that Jerry Falwell Jr. and Liberty University have settled their lawsuits against one another, kissed and made up. And now, Falwell Jr. is back on Liberty U's campus like nothing ever fucking happened. That's dangerous.

And short of, Pat Robertson rising from the dead to tell us about the second hand sweater his soul had been trapped in for the last 17 months. There is no piece of shit. I am happier to welcome back to the show. Imagine getting expelled from school for watching a PG-13 movie by a guy who took a header through his front door

after watching a guy fuck his wife. Right, yeah. Yeah, I'm not listening to that guy about the movie laws or whatever, but I'm definitely asking that guy some questions, right? Like he's got some lessons about life. Yeah, a docety though. Yeah, so quick refresher. Jerry Falwell Jr. came from the penis of a man who speculated on the sexual orientation of Teletubbies and it was just downhill from there. After his influential father's death, he took over the family business in the lying industry and he proceeded to do so much ridiculous shit that it felt for a while like he was

trying to rob us of the power of exaggeration. He's a disruptor in the lying industry. Right, yeah, exactly. So now this included but was not limited to public drunkenness, tweeting out evidence of said public drunkenness, private drunkenness that became public after he fell down the stairs and then locked all his fucking doors so the paramedics couldn't get in, and of course, jerking off to the pool boy fucking his wife. Also, he did genuinely bad stuff that involves covering up sexual assault and misappropriating university funds,

but none of that stuff was ever the reason that he got fired or banned from campus. Yeah, it's fun how the harder he falls and Christianized the more we liked him and vice versa. Right, yeah. Whenever I think about Christian morality, it's like going to a party and having somebody with the same dress on, it's like,

okay, I guess one of us needs to change. Right. Yeah. Now, of course, after he was fired, Falwell sued the university for making him look bad by saying all the stuff that he did out loud, and then they sued him for making them look bad by just existing in three-dimensional space. And the crux of Falwell Jr.'s lawsuit and a good indication as to why the university was eager to settle it quick was the fact that Liberty University overlooks sexual deviance on their staff all the fucking time and his

lawsuit literally gives an example list that includes quote a former president a former Dean a former Provost and a current executive committee member and quote. Yikes. Yeah and so aided no doubt by that as yet unnamed current executive committee member, they founded in themselves to all forgive, forget, and drop their respective lawsuits. Guys, if we make it to Discovery, everyone is going to jail, so why don't we all just lower our blackmail sex crime pistols on the count of three. It's like that Spider-Man meme, but you know, sex crime onesies pointing at each other. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. And I should be clear that Falwell didn't like slink back onto campus and make an awkward apology for all the harm he'd caused to the university's reputation and its student body. In fact, he didn't even acknowledge that that was why he was away the whole time. He's literally pretending he was away because of an illness. He came back during homecoming, he got a hero's welcome and a primo reserve fucking seat for the football game. And the same goes for his wife, who it should be remembered, is also credibly accused of sexually predatory behavior against a Liberty student. Yeah, I was gonna say, imagine if a male teacher had crawled into a student's bed on a field trip,

but Liberty would probably have had the same reaction. No, that's the thing. Exactly. So yeah, so bad for literally everyone except for Jerry and Becky Falwell, whoever they're blackmailing, and the people who make fun of Christian hypocrisy for a living. So, with all the appropriate sympathies in the world to the rest of y'all welcome back Jerry Yeah fair and in reversal reversal reversal news You know, it's hard to pick a worst thing that Christians do sure There's stuff like the Spanish Inquisition and the Crusades

Those are popular picks but here in the US of A in 2024, I think crisis pregnancy centers might just take the cake. These lying Christian centers of lying do their best to fool desperate pregnant women into thinking that they're healthcare facilities. And then they use a bunch of bullshit pressure tactics to try to prevent women from getting an abortion. And while their right to lie has sadly been thoroughly defended in court, they haven't up to this point been able to give out medical misinformation. Well, this week a Christian organization of pregnancy centers is looking to change all that, challenging the California Attorney General's attempts to apply the state's business fraud

statutes to their promotion of quote, abortion pill reversal. They're suing to do fraud. That's what that is. I need to judge to make it super clear how stupid this is at every moment. Just like, all right, welcome to court. I just want to be clear though, from the top, you're suing because you want to do fraud. Is that correct? Yeah. Yeah. Looking to do some fraud top. You're suing because you want to do fraud. Is that correct? Yep, yep.

Looking to do some fraud here. You're looking to do some fraud. Cool. I'm just going to need you to say that out loud but like every time you start talking for the whole case. You got it, absolutely. Up, up, up, up. What did I just say?

Oh, sorry, sorry. I want to do fraud. Yes, absolutely. Great, great. Also no doing fraud gavel. Oh! Yeah. Well, but Heath, what if it sincerely held fraud?

Getting ahead of me, Nolizian. Still gavel. I'm still, I'm hitting it still. Still, yeah. So, first off, big thanks to the folks over at Religion Claws for delivering us this story. Religion Claws does a fantastic job of rounding up the religious news around the world over on their blog, and you should check them out.

If the raw sex appeal of folks like us and Hemant Mehta, it's too distracting. Yeah, we've tried dialing back the omnipresent sexual magnetism of our podcasting, but as I'm sure you can tell, we just cannot. It's not possible. It's not possible. Nope. Turns out you can't turn down the volume when the TV's muted. How dare you.

So... So, if you're not familiar, because you're not a liar or a crazy person, abortion pill reversal is the claim that if you take a bunch of progesterone in between the two doses of medically induced abortion, you can reverse that first attempt at abortion. And it is, of course, bullshit. There is no evidence to back up the claims that these clinics make that quote,

thousands of lives have been saved with abortion pill reversal. And the American College of Obstetricians and gynecologists, you know, the doctors, they call the procedure quote, unproven and unethical, end quote. And there is evidence for that. Yeah.

And even if it did work, you're trying to kill a baby and eat hot chip. So saving thousands of lives is fucking up your plan that you're doing. Stopping chemo might save thousands of perfectly viable cancer cells, but that's an argument for our side. Right. We win when you say that. No, that's the thing. Even if they weren't lying about it working, they'd still be lying about it saving thousands of lives.

Right. Yes, exactly. So, and look, I want to point out there is no challenge to setting up a fucking Venus flytrap for pregnant ladies or dressing people up like nurses who are not nurses. But you're not allowed to give out fake medical treatments, which to be clear, these clinics do. So the California attorney general has been enforcing fraud statutes against them because what they're doing is fraud. And like I said at the beginning, these pregnancy centers are now suing the California attorney general to let them keep doing fraud.

And there is a very, very high likelihood that they will win. Regular listeners will remember that a federal judge enforced an injunction against New York Attorney General Letitia James back in August for doing the exact same thing. Right. Right. Because the law under this fucking court is down to now, can I convincingly pretend to believe this to people who want to be convinced? Fraud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, they trick you into having a baby centers are now handing out

fake medicine and pretty soon they'll be doing it with legal protections for that fake medicine. It's nice to know that there's still plenty of work cut out for us. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And next up in headlines, we have a story about a very important new book that just came out. And Eli, I think we need your help getting some of the language just right. You have some expertise?

Oh, absolutely. In Amesha Mangwar News. Yeah. Okay. So have some expertise? Oh, absolutely. In Amish Amengwar news. Yeah, okay. So I'll translate as best I can. I think that was in I made a memoir news and here's what happened. Melania Trump released her new book last week because she has about a month left on her shred of relevance in the world. The book is called, Eli? Melania. Melania. And it tells the story of being someone

who chose to marry Donald Trump and breed with him. And just like with other memoirs written by former First Ladies, like the autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt or Becoming by Michelle Obama, we get a nuanced explanation of American politics through the lens of someone with a unique perspective. For example, you might be wondering why Melania Trump never denounced the violent J6 coup attempt. And that's for two reasons.

First, it's because counting is confusing. Here's the quote about that from the book, Eli. She can't conclude to count the votes for days, which is what they did. It was a mess. I think that was, you can't continue to count votes for days, which is what they did. It was a mess. I'm just, I'm impressed that there was a part of the book she didn't quote from Michelle's book. So there you go.

And the second reason is that Melania and her team were busy with something super important on January 6th so she couldn't denounce it. Remember all the amazing renovations that Melania did in the White House? That's what they were working on that day. And she never denounced the violent mob because her press secretary never told her what was happening that day. According to Melania quote, my team was already behind schedule and focused on the time. My team was already behind schedule and focused on the task. Oh well then I guess in this book she then goes on to condemn it right now that she

knows about it and isn't too busy with fucking hedges or whatever? Blood red Christmas tree. I didn't read the entire book so maybe that's what happened. We'll see. We also learned about the real story of Melania's jacket that she was wearing during a trip to the border with Mexico in 2018. The jacket said, I really don't care. Do you? You, just the letter you. And it seemed like a super shitty thing to wear at that moment

Which led to lots of criticism in the media? Well, turns out the jacket was actually the media's fault Because they were being mean to her already. In fairness Genuinely, some of the media coverage about Melania was terrible including shitty people who wrote about her work as a nude model as if that's a bad thing. But there was also plenty of legitimate criticism, for example, agreeing with anything the Republican Party was doing, which she did sometimes. Regardless, according to Melania, she was getting back at the media by wearing the jacket, and she added, quote, We are living in a dangerous time when it comes to her. We are living in a dangerous time when it comes to journalism.

Yeah, that's just what Vladimir Putin says. Well, locking eyes with journalists, Melania. Well done. And that brings us to the biggest revelation in the book. Melania came out as firmly pro-choice. She did. And that brings us to the biggest revelation in the book. Melania came out as firmly pro-choice. She did! Yeah.

It's hard to enjoy a moment of enlightenment when other parts of the book included her condemnation of the quote, inflammatory rhetoric of the Black Lives Matter movement, but Jesus. Here we are. And if you're wondering if Melania posted a video last week further explaining her stance from the book, yes she did. And if you're wondering if people are describing it as a perfume ad for abortion by Chanel, yes they are, for sure. Here's what she had to say, starting with some dramatic perfume commercial violin music. Quote.

In the little blue cradle-off in the fundamental reason that I said jar without a cup there is no room for corporate peace all right this is gentle right there all women possessed from birth in which a woman what does it mean my body my choice really mean baby that was No idea actually it was the sound of tall Tyler ripping out his bowels through his nose And just one other detail on the story Melania did an interview to plug her book last week with Sean Hannity on Fox News and somehow Melania being pro choice never came up in that interview with Sean Hannity.

I don't know. Maybe that's just an old issue that's not really relevant anymore. Sean Hannity is a big pro-choice guy. Yeah. Fox News and Sean Hannity, they got their finger on the pulse of American culture more than I do, admittedly. We'll see if that topic pops up in any big political things that happen in the next month or so. Otherwise, I guess it's not a big deal.

Otherwise, it's fine. Do you guys have the experience of you read about people that are in our bits, and you like them because they're in our sketches, and then you have to remember they're a real evil human? I don't have that problem. That's how I felt reading this story, is I was like, Oh, Melania! And I was like, Nope, that's just a fun goof you wrote

She's just a shitty lady. Yep. Yep And on that reminder, we're gonna pause for a word from our other sponsor this week mint mobile being jobble Welcome to generic cell phone company. Can I help you? Hi? Yeah I want to see if I could get a deal on my cell phone coverage. You guys are costing me an arm and a leg. Oh yeah, we're about to. What? Oh, well, if you want a deal, you're going to have to make it through the hexagon.

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All right, thanks Noah. So yeah, sorry, I guess I don't need the hexagon or whatever you said. Oh yeah, so I guess I'll just put the manticore back in his cage then? Yes. Wow. And in the devil's advocate news, every couple of years a kid gets really sick and dies.

Cool, that's the setup. Yeah, let's do some comedy on our show. I mean, a kid gets sick and dies all Cool, that's the setup. Yeah, let's do some comedy on our show. I mean, a kid, let me finish, a kid gets sick and dies all the time, but every couple of years they die and come back, by which I mean they don't die. Yeah, jokes are just right in themselves, I think. And, and what happens when that happens

is Christians lose their mind, heavily suggest to that kid that they saw heaven while they were out, and then they write a book and a movie with Greg Kinnear about it. And look, we usually don't talk about those stories for a couple of reasons. One, it tends to happen to kids who are sick a lot, and a lot of time those kids die pretty soon after they're done being used as a prop by Oprah or whatever. And two, my four-year-old told me I had a dinosaur on my head during bedtime last week

It's not the kind of lie that deserves our usual. I right. Yes, but but this week We have a counter a voice For a reason if you will from none other than Albert Pacino Alfredo, maybe you've heard of him. Well, they Pacino. Alfredo. Maybe you've heard of him? Well, they've heard of Alfredo. Revealed to the New York Times that he had a near-death experience back in 2020 this week

and he didn't see fucking shit. Yeah. That's pretty great. Well, it's either that or he got to heaven and everybody was like, whoah, remember? Remember, sent him a woman, you were in city, whoo-ah, and he immediately came back to earth

and now he's an atheist. That's possible too. Or, yeah, and he didn't see shit because God was making him blind for the sake of the bit. Right, it was a callback. He was co-spiraling. Yeah, so the movie buffs in our audience will know Mr. Pacino from films like Jack and Jill,

G. Lee, and 88 Minutes, as well as some others. I don't know. Well, as I said, back in 2020, according to him, he had a near-death experience. According to the actor, quote, I was sitting there in my house and I was gone, like that. I didn't have a pulse. I had about six paramedics in that living room and there were two doctors and they had these outfits on that looked like they were from outer space or something It was kind of shocking to open your eyes and see that everybody was around me and they said he's back. He's here

Oh, thank God you're back. So you can do like a big yelly speech. You're like, oh Get the fuck out. It's so interesting. Yeah Sorry, I'm still hung up on why he thought paramedics look like they were from outer space. That makes no goddamn sense to me. That's true, yeah, no, that makes sense, yeah. Also, Eli might need paramedics if he has to do the Al Pacino voice for too long. That's true, yeah, I've got one more quote and I don't know if I can make it through.

So what messages and deeper truths did Alfredo bring back from the other side? Thank you, Heath, I cannot get over it. Well, continuing the quote, I didn't see the white light or anything. There's nothing there. As Hamlet says, to be or not to be. I don't think that's what Hamlet was talking about. The undiscovered country from whose born no traveler returns. And he says two words, no

more. It was no more. You're gone. I never thought about it in my life. But you're no actors. Sounds good to say I died once. What is it when there's no more? Okay. I love how honest it was from Pacino. I listened to the interview and the New York Times guy, David Marchese, was clearly hoping for like a big mystical revelation. He says to Pacino, Hey, I bet you experienced some crazy, like metaphysical ripples, huh? And Pacino says, no. And then, Pacino clearly felt bad for the guy, so he gave the quote from Hamlet to try to, like, help out. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. But the point is, there's a big check in the Atheist column for near-death experiences. Also, I'd argue our full-grown man of the world understands a lot more about what he sees than some kid with cancer. Or perhaps God, like all of us, just got way too nervous to introduce himself to Mr. Pacino. Oh, I wonder if Greg Kinnear will play Al Pacino in the movie about this. Ooh! Hoo-wah!

I'll give you out of order, motherfucker. Yeah. What happened to Greg? We talked about that on the GAM episode. It's fine. It's fine. You listen to that. And finally tonight, in SETI or not, here they come news.

Nice. Fantastic! Harvard says we have underground alien dinosaur angels that fly UFOs. That's what they've been working on lately over at Harvard. And this is, I would say, big if true. Yeah. No, I agree. According to a new paper entitled, The Crypto-Terrestrial Hypothesis, a case for scientific openness

to a concealed earthly explanation for unidentified anomalous phenomena. There might be underground alien dinosaur angels that would explain all the UFOs people are seeing, or UAPs more accurately. I just, I love it so much when the paper's hypothesis is so insane, they can't hide it behind their verbose title.. Hoots saw big foot. Thank you very much. And a big thanks to Owen for sending the link to skatingnews at gml.com. Owen gets a place in the bunker for the impending war against the alien dinosaur angels. Fantastic. And he can have some of Eli's freeze dried soy protein if you want. Stop giving away my food. Just share some.

Don't prolong it. You're going to, we're not gonna win that's true so i learned about the new study from earlier this year thanks to owen and thanks to a recent article in the prominent science publication called popular mechanics according to science journalist john scott lewinsky quote alien crypto terrestrials could be secretly hiding deep underground, Harvard scientists claim. Such ancient or non-human beings could reside somewhere inside the earth or under the oceans, they say.

Yeah, man, they could be up your butt in a hazelnut too. That doesn't make it newsworthy. Popular mechanics and the learning channel took turns that are really depressingly reflective of society, and I wish they had. Yeah. Yeah, okay, but here's the thing. The paper isn't just from Harvard University.

That would not be entirely credible, right? Sure. It was actually written by a research team from Harvard and the Montana Technological University. And they argue that UAP sightings quote, may reflect activities of intelligent beings concealed in stealth here on earth, e.g. underground and or its near environs,

e.g. the moon and or even walking among us. And if you don't understand what that means, EG passing us humans. And I guess they felt like they needed an EG for all of them. Yeah. But they left out selectively invisible like the predator, which is just sloppy science, if you ask me.

Thank you. Yeah, my hypothesis is that they shrunk us down a few years ago while we were asleep. And now they walk around on earth all regular-sized and we just can't see them because of that. Where's my paper, I ask? Talk to Harvard, you might get one. Yeah. So in fairness to this research team, the study does admit upfront that their claim and their title and everything they say is quote, likely to be regarded skeptically by most scientists.

That was the epistemological highlight of the paper right there. And then they added, nonetheless, our theory deserves genuine consideration in a spirit of epistemic humility and openness. Nope, nope. That's not how deserves works. and openness. Nope, nope. That's not how deserves works. Or humility. Or genuine. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah. It's like none of the words, maybe a. At this point, you're probably thinking, hey Heath, I'm pretty sure you said alien dinosaur angels multiple times now. And the question is, what? That is my question. Here's the evidence from the paper. Well, actually it's just one thing, kind of it.

Here's the evident. Lots of UAP sightings involve a mysterious, saucer-like aircraft entering or exiting a secret underground access point like a volcano. Like a volcano. That's not a secret underground access point. They're famously kind of big, right? And they spit fire rocks out to let people know where they are sometimes.

It's like the least secret thing you have on Earth. The very least secret of things, yes. So yeah. Maybe they meant volcano layers are secret- I don't know. It's tough to get them. Well, they kind of do mean that actually. So based on that evident, we got four hypotheses, some of which could be combined. One, there's a remnant form of an ancient, highly advanced human civilization that's

been hiding underground and watching us for a long time. And they have really sweet flying saucers too. And occasionally they throw some magna out of their door. Once in a while. So listeners, let me assure you, this is the least stupid one. We're going to go downhill from maybe there's ancient humans that live underground with flying fucking saucers. They found a steep down ramp from that. That's correct. Hypothesis two. There's a highly

advanced non-human species that evolved long before us, possibly from intelligent dinosaurs, which also secretly evolved at some point, and They don't want to get discovered and they also flubbed a few of their covert we got flights recently. They're not great at it They're pretty damn good. Why dinosaur? Is that just a spruce up your intro paragraph? It really that's what it serves as a purpose. Absolutely Side note hypothesis to is the plot of the children's book, We're Back. I don't know how much we care about that. Okay, didn't like that one. Moving on, hypothesis three.

Aliens with intergalactic space travel and or time travel are involved in this. That's what's happening. So they had to add time travel to sound crazy enough to match the theme of the paper. They're like, guys, we can't just do intergalactic aliens after we did intelligent dinosaurs. We have to do something dumber. Our list is going to sound stupid. We'll add time travel. Yeah.

And hypothesis four, the secret underground population is, quote, less technological than magical. Oh, there you go. The paper calls them, quote, Earth bound angels. Exact words. Huh? OK, that one feels like it was added by a frustrated undergrad who realized they couldn't call anything unreasonable after the dinosaur bit.

Guys, we might as well say I'm listening. So yeah, that was not what I expected from Harvard University, but Silverlining, I'm glad they're spending their time on things that are way more useful than educating Ted Cruz, for example, which is something they did. Well, there you go. Ted Cruz, who seems a lot like an underground dinosaur alien skinwalker. I mean, maybe there's some good cross pollination going on between departments in the hallways at Harvard or something like that. Sure. Yeah. Right. And with the realization that finding out Ted Cruz was a time traveling dinosaur alien would actually be

less shocking than finding out he's genuinely a human being, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Gimagi. And when we come back, we'll stop putting off that goddamn C.S. Lewis book. I guess. If you went to Harvard and you found a volcano, secret volcano, do you think you would graduate magma cum laude? That's, Eli, that's fantastic. That's so good. I mean, I know it's not so good.

It's good. Despite Eli's on Mike Persona and Heath having made hating great literature kind of his thing over on Citation Needed, I think it's safe to say that all three of us love to read. But we've been trying to cure ourselves of that trait for years on a segment we call God Awful Books. So this week we cracked open C.S. Lewis's mere Christianity once again. We're still on Book 3, Christian Behavior, and unfortunately we did most of the fuck stuff already. So now it's time to move on to the most sexless thing of all, chapter six, Christian marriage. And yet again, he comes out with a sort of mea culpa from the last chapter, right?

The opening line of this one is, quote, the last chapter was mainly negative. It's like he's doing a positive affirmation to himself inside the text of his own book. Come on, CS, get it together. You're a writer. You can do this. You're a writer. You could do this. Look, we all agree lawnmowers are really sexy and your wives don't get that. So now there are two reasons that he doesn't want to discuss marriage and neither of them is that he fantasized about Aero Flynn wearing nothing but ground chalk. That is, that is what I assume one fantasized about in the 1940s.

I would imagine. I'd say it's timeless, though. I think it's timeless to do that. I have to emphasize he does this big fancy like it is below a man who speaks to the humble farmer to dance the marriage dance. But dude, it's your book. Just don't write the chapter you're writing and don't want to talk about all you'd have to do. So he does not think that Christ was being metaphorical When he said that a husband and wife were of one flesh is what he tells us he gets it explains why he didn't get married

He also tries to prove he knows about sex again, and it goes so badly for him. He says we all know that sex It's like a it's like a key and a lock coming together as one or a violin and a bow. Wait, what? Yeah, right. I mean, that was weird. But it was an improvement since he tried, it's like fixing a lawn mower, but it's still not great. Yeah. Yes.

And this is where he explains to us that premarital sex is the bulimia of fucking. Yeah. Marital sex is the bulimia of fucking huh? Yeah He was saying that sex without marriage is like tasting food without digesting the food So having sex only inside a marriage is all about shitting using Shitting is like the kids that come from a marriage and abortion is when you gotta go But you do that big squeeze and then you don't have to go and it metaphor is are hard. Right.

Everyone very hard for him. Speaking of which, getting divorced is like having both your legs cut off. Yeah, Tom from Cog Dis can confirm it's actually more expensive than that. Well, other than that. Yeah, he did arms. But yeah, he's super clear that... Because he has short arms. Yeah. Like a tyrannosaurus, though.

They really are. So, he's super clear that regardless of your Christian denomination, you should not get divorced just because you hate one another. Yeah. And he stumps himself in his own book by admitting that Christian denominations are different and then immediately saying they're all in agreement in the exact same bar. He says, every denomination agrees that divorce is like surgically separating conjoined twins and losing legs.

Very next sentence, but some denominations are cool with that. Where is that going with that? We all agree divorce is bad unless you chop legs off and then it's good. All right. But so here's this argument. He explains that marriage is all about keeping your promises, damn it. And if you get divorced, you're not keeping your promises. I'm like, what are you fucking 11?

Yeah, I know it seems like Noah is exaggerating, but his argument against divorce is pretty much, does a pinky swear mean nothing anymore? Yeah, right! Oh, he also calls our modern sexual impulse morbidly inflamed. Yeah, I mean, maybe if you didn't write whole chapters of your book on morality about not jerking off, that wouldn't be a problem. Yes, right. Also, the lawnmower blades and the raw ground beef on the Aero Flynn fuck doll

That's not helping either With the morbidly inflamed scenario. Mm-hmm. So, okay listen to this romantic motherfucker right here quote The idea that being in love is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all, end quote. And then he says, people with love in their life know about this better than people who just talk about it or write about it in a book. So I'm gonna quote GK Chesterton about love.

He does. Yep, I put a picture of GK Chesterton. Yeah, I know, if anybody knows about love, it is that lovely man there. This guy fucks. All right. So he's like, so why should married couples who no longer love each other remain together? Well, the kids, right? Also, also making sure nobody else gets to fuck her. Yeah. Pinky swears and now dibs. If we're not careful, he's going to recommend cootie shots

for the wedding night. Yeah, but honestly, almost his entire chapter on Christian marriage is about how love is overrated. Yeah, he tries to explain that love is good, but obeying God is great. Yes, and that's dumb, but it's relatively easy to understand conceptually, but he cannot just write a sentence about what he thinks he has to fuck it up with a

crazy analogy every time this time explains that love is to God as having a a duel is to having a long feud with somebody instead with dual because a gunfight is better than a feud just like obeying God is better than loving a person. He got the direction of stuff backwards and he got it wrong within the wrong. Yeah, the better is tough there. Sure the fuck did.

And then he's like, plus eternal love sounds exhausting, am I right? Yes! He accidentally runs into Hitchens, all heavens become hell, eventually argument like he hit it with his car. Yeah. He's like, well, yet, you know, living in empty-hearted contempt for the person in your home that you share your bed with forever sucks. But there's still gardening you could like that. Yeah. See, yes. You get divorced, you can still garden and also do whatever you want in the shed

with the mower buddy. Yeah, it's your mower. Anything you want. So again, here's the actual line, try not to swoon here, quote, it is simply no good trying to keep any thrill. That is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go. Let it die away.

Go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow. End quote. Hey, hey, CS, did this chapter start out as a kind of note? Right? The truest form of love is actually called toleration. Read a book. Yeah. Sex is great, but you ever just watch each other shit? What about that?

For decades? You ever watch someone's shit for decades? So having dealt with love and not being in love, he turns to the only other major topic in the subject of marriage and that is of course the subjugation of women. Yeah. Spoiler alert podcast listener. He is for it. Yes, he's pro. It will see there has to be a head of the marriage. Otherwise, the first

time you disagree on where to go for dinner, you will starve to death. Look, I'm not saying CS Lewis is the first man in history to be thrown into a homicidal rage by I don't know What do you want? He's probably the first to write a chapter of a book on morality about it Yeah, right. He says you need a marriage boss because there's only two people so you can't settle a disagreement by voting So so I guess it's all about odd number polycules I guess that would solve the problem. To not starve. Coming around. It's funny though how easy it is for him to mistake the imposed social order for the natural

order here though, right? Yeah, and he literally ends the chapter by saying that men are more diplomatic with the world outside the family than women are. You know, an appeaser. And he meant that in a positive way. He was writing this in 1944 and that was like a positive. And men, well, you know, when men get together with diplomacy, everything goes great in 1944. Yeah.

So that's literally all he felt like he had to say on the subject of marriage. So now it's time to move on to chapter seven, forgiveness. And again, he starts with an apology correction. He's like, you know, okay, so I said earlier that chastity was the most unpopular of Christian virtues. I've changed my mind now. I want to make something else the most unpopular now. Yeah.

Right. And like it occurred to me, like this, this book, so much of it is a vestige of back in the days when it was way harder to edit shit you'd already typed. You don't understand. The delete key is just an X that goes over the letters you already wrote. You don't know. Yeah right, right yeah. But now the new least popular virtue is forgiving your enemies. Nope, not doing that. Absolutely. What are we doing here if we're not destroying our enemies? Thank you. Come on. Yeah, no he jumps straight to the fucking Nazis though. He gets there way

too quick. Yeah, this section feels a lot less forgive your enemies and a lot more hedging his bets in case the war doesn't go well. Yeah. So I could see my way to being friends with them. Maybe working for their radio station. I'm an appeaser, diplomatic. Yeah. That's the benefit structure.

So, you know, but his opening defense with the idea of forgiving your enemies is, look, I didn't invent the fucking religion Okay, that was Jesus take it up with him Yeah, he mentions forgiving Nazis and then he explains how the Bible is very clear that you don't get forgiven unless you forgive So I feel like the move is Don't be shitty and also destroy your enemies and you're good to go right like do whatever you can invite some Nazis to come do a forgiveness party at your house and then destroy them. It's a great idea. My religion is better just from this alone. Yeah, so yeah but no but he suggested before we start forgiving

Nazis we start small you build up by forgiving the shitty spouse that we hate from the last chapter. Even if she doesn't fucking know what she wants for dinner. What does he think enemy means based on this? Like, I get it. You're listing your enemies according to destruction priority. I could not sympathize more. I have that list too.

The bottom of your list is fucking insane. It's your kids and your wife. Is that your wife? So, but he points out that love your neighbor as you love yourself is way easier if you're self-loathing. Okay, solid point. Yes. Looking at my enemy in the mirror with disgust

is gonna be weird, because I'm gonna be like in their bathroom. But I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out. Oh, and then he gives us the hate the sin, not the sinner bit. Yeah. Can I just say, I don't want to get like too meta, but I am constantly amazed in reading this book.

How much of this like icon of apologetics is the most basic bitch Christian bullshit, right? We're going to get a fucking live laugh love chapter love chapter any minute. Now, honestly, I would not be surprised. So now at this point, too, he starts talking about war and he explains that he's fine with pacifism. But what he doesn't like is people who aren't pacifists killing other people in war and then being a fucking bummer about it. Okay. So we just take a look at my notes here. being a Nazi, forgivable, not fighting in the war I'm a fan of has been terrible two chapters in a row now. Yeah.

Okay. Also, who was that comment for? Was there a big problem with like atheist allied soldiers killing Nazis, but they're in a snit the whole time? I don't know. Yeah. Well, so well, but according to him, killing in a war ought to be accompanied by quote a Kind of gaiety and a wholeheartedness

End quote what huh? You know, I looked up gaiety to make sure it meant what I thought it meant it did though meant it meant the Errol Flynn thing Okay, both options for soldiers are insane that he offered there But I'll agree on liking the second one maybe a little bit better. One guy is killing Nazis and being all flouncy about it and he's mad about cleaning his room, and the other one is like, what a jaunty afternoon of gaiety and killing Nazis. I like that second one a little better.

You know, if you have to have one or the other, no, you're right. You have air on the side of the game. Nazi Caprice. I like that. I like that. If you have to have one or the other. No, you're right. You're air on the side of the game Naughty caprice also It's weird that his chapter on forgiveness is I would say mostly I would say more than 50% of this chapter is about when it is okay to kill someone Yeah, okay So this is what I was going to say if anything this chapter is much more about how god will forgive you for killing germans In the glorious war

that CS Lewis is talking about. And if we lose, the Germans should forgive me for writing that last part. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Reads a lot like that. And, and now that we know when to kill people, we can move on to the most promising chapter title in the book. And I could, should say probably the most disappointing as well chapter eight the great sin. Whoa. And then we built up this huge greatest sin thing but it's he's talking about fucking pride right?

Like no I can I can see how pride is damaging in some instances but he says it's the worst thing like like worse than murder is pride. Well because spoiler alert it turns out that pride is going to be the sin that makes you not listen to C.S. Lewis. Oh, right. I get what he's doing there. For me, though, it's wrath and lust that are making me not listen to C.S. Lewis. But we'll see how it goes.

Yeah. See what he does with this. But he does this weird rant where he talks about how Pride is problematic because it's inherently competitive. And I'm like, is it though? Because like, I'm like, is it though? Because like I'm proud we raised over $80,000 for the Harris campaign. Who am I competing with? One million moms, now pay attention. Okay, all right, but also but even if it is competitive, so fucking what? Yeah, also if each of the one million

moms donates a dollar to Donald Trump, we're still winning by about 76 grand. Sure are. Sure are, baby. But yeah, he seems to be mistaking pride for greed, but only selectively. Right. And keep in mind that this whole chapter is about it's the worstest, worstest, and he hasn't gotten around to rape on his list of sins, but he's really getting in there on wanting things too much. Yeah, right. No, but he's like, he's like, sure.

A lot of people will say greed and selfishness cause greed and selfishness, but no, it's pride that causes that. Right. It reads like he realized halfway through the chapter that he'd been describing greed and selfishness. And then he was like, I am not retyping all that shit I don't pay that much. It's like watching the bad guy from seven realize he made the wrong theme for his next thing halfway through and he's just like angrily disassembling a big murder device a bunch of shit. The book that happening yeah in a book. No but so he rails against the pride of women who make him fall in love with them and then don't fuck him later. Right?

There's that. They don't know where they want to go to dinner. And then he begrudgingly admits that acknowledging the superiority of an imaginary perfect super being doesn't count against pridefulness. Interesting. Quick question, CS. Would it count as prideful to be so jazzed up about your one specific pretty young god that you wrote an entire long-winded book telling everyone

it's the truth of the universe? Would that count as... No. ...rival? Apparently not. So he also points out how pride can actually help you overcome real vices, but he still manages to scoff at it as he does so. Yeah, the point he's trying to make here is like, taking pride in being good, that's how they get you.

Seriously, I think that's his argument. He says that Satan sees people being good, and that's how Satan's going to make you evil? Yep. Apparently. Yeah, but perhaps because he's been wildly unclear as to what he thinks pride means, he has to clear up a few possible misconceptions before he lets us out of this chapter. On second thought, that was nothing. Do over.

Yeah, great. No, I just read back over that and it's not at all clear what the fuck I'm saying. So the first is that it's still okay to like it when people tell you you're awesome and they love your books. That does not count as pride. Okay, there it is. That's my fault. That's my fault. He called pride-based during his pride book. Early, earlier objection. Yep. Yeah, obviously.

So the second possible misconception is that he's saying you can't be proud of your kids or your alma mater or whatever. That's okay too. You just can't be proud of yourself, I guess. It's like the opposite of cognitive behavioral therapy. The next chapter is going to be on distorting your thoughts for fun and profit. Right. Yeah. So the third misconception is that Yahweh hates pride because he's offended by it. This is my favorite. Hey, does God sound a little prideful to you guys?

No, no, he doesn't. Did he read his book? No, actually it hurts him more than it hurts you when he burps you in hell for it. God isn't worried about the size of his dick at all It's some deities say it's too big that they couldn't lift it actually. Okay. Okay. I know it seems like no one might be exaggerating But he literally spends five sentences on how God doesn't care if you're prideful He just hates seeing you be such a stupid head about it. It's so weird So and then the fourth and final misconception that he wants to clear up is that people who

are humble aren't annoying as fuck. They are and he hates them. Yeah. All of a sudden, right at the end of this chapter, it's like a business manipulation book from an MBA program or something. We learned that real humility is mostly just you know mirroring and eye contact Yeah, like a hostage negotiator Yeah, so but the first step in overcoming pride is admitting you have a problem

Yeah said the man writing a book on the objective truth about Christianity and therefore And as much as I'd love to tell you that he heard it and the book ends there, he hasn't and it doesn't. So there's plenty more to come on the next installment of God Awful Books. He's proud of the next chapter. Before we hunker down for the next one, I want to thank all the people who have reached out since the storm to check up on us and offer help. It means a ton.

We are doing fine, but there are plenty of people out there that do need the help, so I can encourage you to keep reaching out until you find somebody who needs your assistance more than me. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend God of Film movies debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister show Citation movies, debuting at seven Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show,

Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously I can't wrap this up without thanking Heath and Eli for taking up my slack while I was on vacation, and then immediately doing it again because of the storm, before immediately doing it again, because I'm the only one of us heading to QED this year. Everything about my life is easier because I work with people who genuinely care about me,

and it has rarely been more obvious than it has been over the past week. I also want to thank our favorite listener, April Poff for providing this week's Farnsworth quote slash COVID PSA. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's last week's and the week before that's best people. And sorry, the one breath thing was kind of a pre heart attack bit. Here we go. Steven, Mark, Catherine, Lucas, Heather, Alex, Rebecca, Evan, Brianna, Jahaz, Dustin, Elizabeth,

Oscar, Bryson, Tony, Kirby, Tiago, Kelly, Treehugger, Prime, Caleb, Simon, Scott, Ticklefight, David, another min-a-mini-a-paladin, Freran, Thomas, Angela, Wendy, Augie, Tribe, Tapscott, Pantheon, Atheist, Vegan, Punk, Treehugger, Jenny, Chani, Feathersnow, Abbie, and Thomas. Hey, that was one, Bryth. Huh. Who are so badass Milton would've told him to keep the fuckin' stapler. and whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatis.com. And for a limited time only, you can think of it as hurricane relief, sort of. And if you'd like to help, but your money's going to more important shit, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadv.com. I mean, it was one breath eventually, Morgan, technically, I did get it in one breath, just only on my 30 second try. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2024 all rights reserved.