The Scathing Atheist - 616: Trinity-Totaller Edition

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

In this week’s episode, Christians reject our adorable Satanic gnomes, our next chief of public health takes a fake shower like 8-year-old me trying to trick my mom, and CS Lewis will prove himself to be as bad at math as he is at analogies. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ --- Guest Links: Hear Geoff Blackwell on The Not So Grand Jury here: https://notsograndjury.buzzsprout.com/ --- Headlines: Diatribe: Boston College sued for religious discrimination over vaccine policy: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/man-sues-catholic-school-in-battle The (actual) War on Christmas begins: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-west-virginia-mayor-kicked-a-pagan An Iowa pastor put an atheist trying to kill Jesus in his church's Nativity scene: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/an-iowa-pastor-put-an-atheist-trying Dutch Noah’s Ark Replica is up for auction: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/a-dutch-made-noahs-ark-replica-is and https://www.troostwijkauctions.com/l/museum-schip-ark-van-noach-A1-26370-1 One Million Moms freaks out over Wicked: https://onemillionmoms.com/current-campaigns/warning-wicked-not-only-includes-witchcraft-but-also-lgbtq-content/ Cheryl Hines selling MAHA candles using a naked RFK Jr. in a promo video: https://www.wonkette.com/p/does-a-naked-rfk-jr-make-you-want And RFK Jr. deep fries a turkey in beef tallow and takes it out barefoot to MAHA: https://www.vanityfair.com/style/story/robert-kennedy-jr-turkey-thanksgiving

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Warning! The following podcast doesn't just contain adult language, it's brought to you by adult language. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Adam and Eve, Better Help, Factor, and by Charmin's new brand of Christian apologetics. Charmin Apologetics. We've been cleaning up shit and catering to assholes for so long, apologetics seemed like the next logical step. And now, the Skating Atheist.

Hey there, everybody. I'm Jeffrey Blackwell, Legal Director for American Atheists and co-host of The Not So Grand Jury, the podcast that examines the law through popular culture. It's kind of like a lot of movies, but not in a legally actionable way. As an expert in first amendment law, I'm here to tell you that we did in fact, evolved from filthy monkey folk,

which is one of the many reasons you absolutely should not take legal advice from a podcast or a TV show or social media or a movie or presidents or the It's Thursday. It's December 12th. And No Illusions is cigarette free for five years and counting. Five years today? You know how we could celebrate. No, no. I will tase you.

Fine. Fine. I'm No Illusions. I'm Eli, no. I will tase you. Fine. Fine. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnik. I'm Heath Henwright. And from Balls Mahoney's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Christians reject our adorable satanic gnomes.

Our next Chief of Public Health takes a fake shower like 8-year-old me trying to trick my mom. And C.S. Lewis will prove himself to be as bad at math as he is at analogies. But first, the diatribe. In a sane world, this would be a pretty easy lawsuit. Once the vaccine for COVID-19 was widely available, Boston College issued a policy requiring that everyone that worked for them get vaccinated. Because otherwise you would be killing people, which would be, among other things, a huge

pain in the ass, right? So they did offer a few exemptions to the policy. Some people can't take certain vaccines for medical reasons, and that's reasonable. Some people also refuse to take vaccines for religious reasons, and that's not, but Boston College had exemptions in their policy for both. You just had to bring a note from your doctor

or your faith leader explaining why you needed to be exempt. Now, as I'm sure you'll recall, getting a faith leader to write a letter exempting you from the vaccine was about as hard as finding a hot take on the latest Star Wars property. But when Evdira Gaj, a Boston college landscaper and devout bogey meal demanded an exemption,

he didn't submit one of those letters. Perhaps that was because his tiny 11th century offshoot of Christianity of a faith doesn't actually have any policies about vaccinations. Perhaps it was because it's hard to find a religious leader when your faith has like 26 adherents and most of them are in bulk area. But for whatever reason, he didn't submit the proper paperwork and he was fired. So he sued for wrongful termination claiming religious discrimination.

So in response, Boston College moved to dismiss the lawsuit because obviously they had a policy for religious exemptions. This guy didn't go through that. He also added a bunch of weird shit to his lawyerless lawsuit about how he's an ethnobotanist and Boston College's policies violate his medical practice. It's exactly the kind of lawsuit that reminds us why we have dismissals.

But along the way, he used a magic word. When he was scrolling his idiotic objections with his feces covered crayon, he included the word religious, so the judges allowing it to go to trial. Because even though Boston College did provide for religious exemptions, they didn't bend over backwards for one and offer exemptions even to the exemptions and endanger the lives of their employees

and students and ignore science and common sense for one goddamn stupid fucking objection. And damn it, those are the rules now. You have to do that. As soon as a person says sincerely held religious belief, all of jurisprudence and legal precedent needs to get the fuck out of the way for a minute. And at this point again if we were in a sane world or even a sane adjacent world Boston College's defense on this would be well you know we didn't want people to die of COVID and the judge would say yuppers and he'd bang his little hammer and they'd move on to another case but

you can't even see sanity from where we are. So instead, Boston College's argument seems to be that accommodating a gadget's sincerely held religious beliefs would violate their sincerely held religious beliefs. For reals, because BC, that's a Catholic college. And in December of 2020, four months before they instituted their vaccine policy, the Vatican released a statement calling on Catholics to get the vaccine as soon as it became available. This

was said to be part of their religious duty to quote, protect one's own health and quote, preserve the common good, end quote. So they're basically fighting cooties with cooties in this lawsuit. And where does this leave the courts? Right? They're basically left adjudicating I got you, no, I got you. They're going to put on suits and say fancy words and sprinkle in some Latin phrases or whatever, but make no mistake, that's what they're doing. Sincerely held religious belief could only ever be a farce, a fucking mockery of the very concept of equal justice and reality for that matter.

It was only a matter of time before one imagination was gonna have to fight another imagination with a courtroom looking on. And as bad as this is, this is actually the good form of this because I don't doubt in this instance that both parties are being more or less, at least honest about their beliefs here.

I don't think Boga Millism actually has an anti-vaccine stance. And the extent to which Aghaj had to invent tenuous connections in his complaint backs me up on that. He can't have the vaccine, for example, because his body is a temple, and temples can't take vaccines. But I don't doubt that he sincerely believes he doesn't want to take the vaccine and sincerely believes his religion grants him that right. And I don't doubt that the college is acting largely in accordance with their religious beliefs

and insisting that he does. But that won't always be the case. And the courts, by their own admission, can't really distinguish when it is. They can't actually gauge the sincerity of one's beliefs so they can only take a person's word for it. Sure, they can consider their behavior before and after, but they generally don't.

There's no way in hell that this case is going to hinge on the fact that a guy's got other vaccines previously. None of the vaccine exemption cases that I'm aware have ever taken that shit into account. So look for a lot more of this shit in the future. Look for religious plaintiffs and defendants dueling with their get out of jail free cards one against the other and look for an ever expanding list of beliefs that religious people sincerely hold. As it stands, there's an unlimited exemption to the law on the books and I promise you that it will keep expanding until it explodes. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the fire and water to my grass Heath Enright and Eli

Bosnik. Fellas, are you ready to catch them all up on the news? Pokemon Snorlax? Okay, I promise to write you if you're wrong, Noah. There you go, well done. And since Pokemon makes Eli think of fuck stuff anyway, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Adam and Eve. Oh my no, oh no no.

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Take a look at adamandeve.com slash scathing to see which four sex toys will be yours for just $20. Go to adamandeve.com slash scathing to see which four sex toys will be yours for just $20. Go to adamandeve.com slash scathing. It's the only way to get this offer. Oh, Twinkle Toes, you've saved Christmas. No problem, Santa. Still sad that none of them want these nutcrackers though. Well, that depends on the nuts.

I'm talking about the doll. Yep, got it. Sure. No, you're not. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, as you'll no doubt know from your marching orders, the war on Christmas has begun. Yes.

This is, of course, the fictional conflict that American Christians fetishize into existence for their annual martyrdom cosplay. Wow. And consists of charging American corporations that spend tens of millions advertising Christmas sales and putting up Christmas decorations of ignoring Christmas and pretending that vague acknowledgments of their favorite holiday are persecuting the specific ones. And that war on Christmas doesn't exist. That's just bullshit.

No. But there is a real war being waged and that war is on anybody but Christians being allowed to participate in said holiday. That's right. So if you're having a pansexual orgy right now with jingle bells playing at full volume, you are a war hero. Fuck yeah. On top of being, you know, just a happy person.

So gravy. Yes. That or nail it up. Fun fact, at our Christmas parade in my town in New Jersey, a bagel owner shop said people are afraid to say Merry Christmas. And the mayor of my town told him to shut the fuck up on microphone Jersey is what I'm saying It's not that great everywhere So we're gonna go to West Virginia the king of it not being great when it comes to states specifically

Parkersburg, West Virginia where a pagan organization has been excluded from the Parkersburg Christmas Parade because of their religion. The group in question is Appalachian Pagan Ministry, a registered 501c3 that appears to do good work with convicts and ex-convicts trying to reintegrate into society. Yeah, because fuck Jesus Christ personally. Yes, exactly. Yes, right. Exactly. Winning the war.

So yeah, so they wanted to highlight their outreach with the parade floats. With all these least of these motherfuckers. Yeah, right? winning the war so yeah So they they wanted to highlight their outreach with the parade floats with all these least of these mother fuckers Yeah, right, but you're bullshit No, but they wanted to highlight their outreach with a parade float But they were told by the mayor's office that they weren't welcome in the city sponsored parade Because their website states that they work with Satanists. I mean man if that's how you want to play it We're gonna tell everybody that you work with Christians and those guys fuck kids right yeah, right now I know what you're thinking the poor city of Parkersburg must have missed out on some awesome Baby-eating monster or a chas Stevens style butt plug Jesus in their parade, but no it was fucking Christmas gnomes

So stupid the best the group was in no way trying to alienate the community quite the opposite in fact Oh cowards Look they were trying to remove a bit of the stigma against their faith by highlighting the work that they were doing in the community They'd intentionally gone with the least offensive possible thing. Yeah, they were gonna make a Krampus float but then they devoted that down. They switched over to Christmas gnomes just to be extra nice about it. Yes. They didn't have to do that. Right, but even that was too much for Mayor Tom Joyce who is so ridiculously ignorant of the law that he allowed his office to put a bunch of this shit down in emails. And so funny. Appalachian pagan ministry has already made it clear

that they intend to sue so good luck with that should be easy Okay, so at some point this evangelical mayor called like an emergency meeting He was like our parade is being infiltrated by evil. He popped up an image on his projector of Adorable gnomes with Christmas hats. They're amazing. Yep Looks like ZZ Top at a Christmas parade float form It really does. Yeah, but now that he's instigated the fuck around part of the equation I'm guessing the gnomes are gonna be a lot less friendly slash inside someone's butt next year Yeah, that's what I'm hoping for and look pagan groups gets excluded from Christmas parade

That's not exactly lead story levels of news here, but the increasing effort to eradicate all non-Christian views from the public square is. And it happens in tiny increments in small stories that fly under the radar because most public squares fly under the radar. So be ready for a lot more stories like this in the near future as Trump and Bolton's idiots like this shit fucking mayor,

and be on the lookout for them to jump from atheist podcasts to the local news. To whatever extent, that's still a thing where you are. And in its pronounced nativite news. After reporting on cries of oppression for almost 10 years, I was beginning to think I'd seen everything in the war on Christmas. All possible whines and complaints, all variations of blunder and bullying, but here at the Scathing Atheist, religion always manages to surprise us with the depths to which it will sink. Which is why, this week, I'm pleased to tell you the story of an Iowa pastor who, in response

to complaints about a nativity scene last year, included in his nativity scene this year, a cardboard atheist trying to kill baby Jesus. I love it so fucking much. I'm just picturing a Walgreens employee cardboard, scanning a Plan B, handing it back to Mary McFarland. Hey, look, if you guys didn't want us to eat them, just stop talking about how tender and mild he is all the time. Exactly.

Right? There's a fucking... There's a reason Charlotte rejected the word crunchy for her web, Christians. Come on. Right. So this story comes to us from Toledo, Ohio, because of course it does. Last year, the fire department erected a nativity scene. A local atheist sent a letter to the city. So they added Santa and a reindeer I want to say for the record. I'm not sure how that helps right? For everyone except Pastor Adam Todd who aside from looking like a chia pet filled with racism instead of chia seeds is a pastor at the nearby Solid Rock Church. Yeah, no one could be less Christian than the inclusion of a Christian saint into the

picture? Exactly. So during a sermon in which he explained his never ending rage at the inclusion of Santa and a reindeer, he had an idea, quote, you know, next year, I told my family by next year we need to have something that it fit in. Same style, to go with our nativity. We ought to have, over here, lurking in the shadows, a King Herod with a knife looking to kill baby Jesus. And then tell everybody that's the representation for atheists. That way, we're all inclusive.

We can represent everybody. And we can represent atheists by having King Herod over here. We can represent Satanists by having King Herod over here. We can represent Satanists by having King Herod over here trying to stab little baby Jesus. That's all that's going on. I mean, I'm dead serious. That's what makes it so funny, man. Yes, I know. We ought to do that. King Herod has a place in every nativity and he represents the atheists and the cowards and the Satanists

because all they're trying to do is kill Christ. Okay. Kind of reductionist. Like we're doing other stuff too, right? Yes, right. Like board game night, for example. Sure. We'll kill Christ later that night.

I don't know. Sure. We got to kill him once. We'll get to it. Well, that time is upon us. Then podcast listener, sure enough, the church's nativity scene this year includes a cardboard Herod with a knife wearing a crown labeled atheist

approaching the Holy Family from behind to murder them. I included a picture in our notes. I love that his idea was so fucking stupid that he needed to label it like it's a vague political cartoon that's not clear enough. Like, okay, I do have a crown that says atheist on it, but that's not the point. It's just silly that he had to do that. And his shirt says hair red on it.

I'm proud that their model for the ideal atheist was clearly our very own Cecil something Italian. It bears a striking resemblance. It's so fucking funny. You have to look at this. I love though that his actual message is the problem with the nativity scene is that there's no one there to hate. Yep. Exactly. And while it's rare for the religious to admit defeat as openly as Pastor Adam just did, I do have one suggestion for next year that would really hit the theme home. Three atheist shepherds laughing at the family who are about to be murdered by Herod.

I just think it would really complete the picture. So hit us up if you need subjects, Adam. We got a cartoonist and everything. Yeah, we do. And on that note, we're going to pause for a word from this week's second sponsor, BetterHelp. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Okay, what about Betty and Esther? Dude, are you serious? They're going to get started on how Joe Biden made eggs too expensive.

Right, right. The eggs thing. Good call. Hey guys, whatcha doing? We're trying to set the seating arrangements for Christmas dinner. Our families have some interesting characters. Yeah, I bet. And if everything doesn't go absolutely perfectly, we are going to lose it. I cry imagining it going wrong. Guys, that seems like an unhealthy amount of stress about something that should bring

you joy. Have you considered therapy? Wait, therapy? Like for holiday stress? For whatever you're dealing with. And if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So no awkward therapist breakups? No awkward therapist breakups. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash scathing today to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash scathing. All right, Noah, thanks. Hey, what's this tiny table in the pantry for? It's for slur time out. Okay, but you're going to need more chairs. More chairs, yeah. Good call. Yeah.

And we're back next up in headlines in His Ark is Worse Than His Bite News. I need to make a quick update to my Christmas list this year upon learning that Dutch carpenter and person with criminally absurd priorities, Johan Hebers, is auctioning off his 122 meter long replica of Noah's Ark. The ship, which cost over 4 million euros to build, is being sold to the highest bidder, which at the moment of this record is a paltry 365,000 euros. So this thing is pretty much a steal. We can't afford not to buy it.

And I know a lot of other people might want this thing as bad as me, but most of them aren't named Noah. So I feel like I should get priority on this shit. I feel like the onion needs to put together a big. They got extra money now. They got some cash free now. Exactly. I like to think Noah was really blown away by my Lego Nintendo that I got him for Christmas. And this is just the next step up. That is a pretty cool Lego set. So, all alright, so we talked about he was on this show and his wacky Building shenanigans as far back as episode 174. He's actually built not one but two arc replicas now

They're both much less impressive than Ken Ham's on account of being much smaller and much more Impressive than Ken Ham's on account of being seaworthy or I will buy buoyant. I guess there's seaworthy as far as I know, he's never had to sue an insurance company about flood damage. Right. Yeah. But yeah, like I said, their seaworthiness is debatable and was debated at length between the Dutch and British governments when it came to the first one. But the second one is technically seaworthy, and that's the one that he's selling. It was unveiled in 2012 and was intended as a floating museum

that would spread the good word about Jesus. But nobody really wanted that to exist in the world. So nobody went and that effort ended in 2016. And since then, the gigantic boat has been moored in the Dutch city and series of words from a drunken Scrabble match crimping on then need so ever since Okay, what's the best case scenario for these arc building idiots? Like there's a giant flood in their town and they're just like floating through

Fucking their daughters on the deck being like told, idiots. That's a weird wind condition, guys. Yes, it is. Also, just a quick reminder that because his boat's a piece of shit, part of the reason he's selling it is that every day it's moored in Feunden, Meunden, Dutch City, it acquires about $100 in your boat is fucking stupid. Yeah, you're not allowed to park a boat for free pretty much anywhere. Just so many tickets on that dashboard. It's like mine.

Yeah, right. Now, he was just has been clear that he won't he won't sell the boat to just anybody. He's hoping to offload it on somebody who will use it for the purpose it was intended for. That being the purpose that was shown to be unwanted by the universe from 2012 to 2016, leading to the current situation. But he's made it clear that it must, at the very least, be used for a moral purpose. Quote, if they want to turn it into a brothel, I'm not selling. End quote. Okay.

So nobody tell them what we're going to do with it yet. Exactly. And besides, no one pays on Sarah and Melania's happy fun time fuckboat. It's a volunteer opportunity. Right, right. The fucking pineapples just come upside down. Exactly. Doing it for exposure. They are though.

And a pizza party. And in defying sanity news, there have been a lot of takes about the release of the movie musical Wicked. Awe at the breathtaking performances, childlike wonder at the visualization of one of our favorite musicals on the silver screen, and also people who are wrong have said things. And while no one, Heath, were very firm with me that I could not correct the various incorrect opinions about Wicked, the movie musical on air today, I can correct one. I opinions about Wicked, the movie musical, on air today. I can correct one! I'm speaking, of course, about the ratio enthusiast and head of one million moms, Monica Cole,

who took to the internet this week to warn her readers to avoid the musical because it contains witchcraft and also gay people. Spoilers, Monica! Witchcraft and that? Did she go into... She didn't know that going, did she think it was about candles? Wicked? I thought it was wicked. Yeah.

Damn it. Great question. So, here's what she had to say. Quote, alerting all parents. One million moms needs your help to make sure as many people as possible are aware of universal pictures pushing the LGBTQ agenda on families, particularly children, in the musical Wicked. Of course, the musical contains a tremendous amount of witchcraft and sorcery,

and that content prompts most parents to avoid taking their children to see Wicked. Yeah, it famously flopped on Broadway, too, for the same reason. Yeah, no, it barely even made half a billion worldwide so far. She continues, but the film also shows not so discrete cross-dressing and men crushing on men, which parents may not expect. Remember the good old days when musicals didn't have any gay men involved? That was the best. Yeah, and the cross-dressing was discreet.

Ah, yes. She continues, Instead of an uplifting Broadway musical about friendship and family, talents and resources were used to create a dark movie that also pushes wokeness. Universal Pictures has traded its usual subtlety for intentionality. Subtlety? Remember the good old days when Universal made subtle movies like The Fast and Furious franchise? Yeah. But there's more. Quote, Unfortunately, the film adapts the musical into a two-part movie, so there is more to come.

The stars of the film Wicked, part one, have recently hinted that there will be more LGBTQ content in Wicked, part two, scheduled for release on November 21st, 2025, just in time for next year's holidays. Yeah, well, that's when it's easiest to make the baby Jesus cry, Monica. Duh. Yeah, he's fresh out the oven. Exactly. Anyways, back to the gayness. Quote, four of the film's main characters are openly queer or gay in real life. Or, at the minimum, these actors have spoken about their queer experiences. As such, the queer representation and visibility in Wicked Part 1 were important to them. Obviously, this part of the movie is a nod to inclusivity, along with a blatant attempt by Universal to normalize

same-sex crushes. Yeah, if people want to be inclusive, I guess we gotta let them. But if I see a metaphorical head motion in that direction, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind and send out a newsletter about it. She concludes, Universal has now decided to be politically correct instead of providing family-friendly programming. But Universal should stick to family-friendly entertainment, particularly in children's films,

rather than pushing an agenda. Yeah, right, no, my agenda isn't an agenda. It's just a default thing. In that coincidence, yeah. Please share this with your friends and family to make sure they are aware of the queer content in Wicked and not blindsided by it. Yes, I say again, I agree with Monica every time she says this, please do. We promise to take you very seriously when you warn us about all the gayness and witchcraft in Wicked.

Yes, exactly. As moms, we all want to know when Universal is attempting to desensitize our children by normalizing the LGBTQ lifestyle. Without any subtlety. Yeah, I remember that in What to Expect. It's the things you want to know. I encourage you to join 1MM in telling Universal Pictures... Eat fresh. ...that we are not buying what they are selling.

Sign our pledge saying you will not support Wicked. Okay, it feels like Monica's just mad that her, like, black face, green face costume got her in trouble She's getting escorted out of the theater. She's like it's green. It doesn't count. Really really she do an undercoat though Yes Okay, but this last sentence is my favorite part because it's just so self-aware she concludes Even if you have seen wickedicked Part 1, you can commit to not watching Wicked Part 2. Not adding, because we all know all the best songs are

in Part 1 anyway. Which, what's gravity's over? Like, you really hate this. Yeah, exactly. Like, we don't want her out. And finally tonight, in this candle smells like a brain worm and my vagina news. Longtime member of the Curb Your Enthusiasm cast and current extremely disappointing shill for an idiot husband, Cheryl Hines, made headlines last week for two things.

One, she continues being married to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. despite just so many reasons. Adultery, murdering bears, murdering people with anti-vaxxer lying all over the world, whale chainsaw, take your pick. All kinds of reasons, yeah. Also too, she seems to be pivoting her career into the goop space recently with a new line of scented candles. And how do you get people excited to buy overpriced candles?

By showing them a naked RFK Jr. taking a shower in a promo video. Sure, yeah, whatever will burn my retinas out after that, I guess. Okay, guys, come on. We all remember when our current Secretary of Health and Human Services, Xavier Becerra, a guy you definitely have heard of before this second when I spoke his name. You guys remember him when his wife, Carolina Reyes, the physician, another public figure you've definitely heard of, sold us something using their positions in the US government? This is just business as usual.

Yeah, it happens all the time. Everybody does this. You old Reyes Casero salesman. Both sides are the same. A little fight, fight, fight scent. It's going to be awesome. Yeah. So, Heinz posted the video on Instagram while standing in her bathroom holding up her new

candles while her insane husband is completely naked taking a shower in the background. The crotch area is obscured by Cheryl in the foreground. It starts with Cheryl laughing and saying, you can't take a shower, I'm doing a video. And it's clearly supposed to be this wacky, candid moment when she's doing a thing for the candle company, but RFK Jr. is showering at this very inopportune moment a little scamp that he is But it doesn't even make sense Because he already had to be in the shower and then she walked into the bathroom Set up a camera and started doing a video or there's a deleted scene before that where she's halfway through her pitch

And he just shows up doing the propeller Okay, I have to watch my genitals now. Honestly, like what we know of RFK Jr. he probably very often needs to wash his genitals right now. Right now. A lot of worms coming out. Yeah. We also get to see RFK Jr. try to do space work and just completely panic. There's no water running because it would be too loud for the video. So he just mimes a fake hair washing motion with his hands over and over and over because that's all he can think of. He does.

Can I say my favorite part of this space work is where he starts to do like a body scrub and he's like, nope nope that's jerking off. And the video ends with Heinz yelling 60% off and then we cut away from the bathroom and see a quick shot of her new line of candles sitting on a table. One of the candles is called Hyannis Seagrass and apparently it's a quote clean scent with notes of sage, crisp sea salt, woody cedar and earthy tonka bean. And if you're wondering the extent to which it's both invigorating and inspiring, the answer is yes. Some amount of both of those things. And we're told to think about ocean air, skinny dipping and sunshine. Well, yeah, but hopefully not RFK Jr skinny dipping with journalist Olivia Newsy during

the affair that they had while she was covering his presidential campaign. Digital only. That led Newsy to get fired and led RFK Jr to have no consequences whatsoever. What? He got appointed. No, he got promoted. consequences whatsoever. And speaking of campaigns, the other prominent candle we see is labeled Maha or Make America Healthy Again.

That's the slogan being used by the anti-vaxxer who's likely to be in charge of public health. Despite 77 Nobel laureates writing a dedicated letter describing to America just how fucking stupid we are and begging the Senate to reject that nomination. Oh yeah, the senators are going to listen to you guys. Hey, maybe you should try praying to God about it. Those things will work equally well. Pray to God. And while we're on the subject of RFK Jr. and health, just one other quick piece of news for Thanksgiving.

We got a video of Bobby Deuce making a turkey in a deep fat fryer full of beef tallow. And despite turkey being extremely boring and a stupid staple for the main eating based holiday of the year. Keith, we talked about this. Doing it deep fried like that is pretty good in my experience, but I would not have said turkey fried in cow fat is how we can make America healthy again. No. RFK Jr. does literally say that. And then we watch him take the turkey out of a big pot of scalding hot oil and say, this is the dangerous part.

And he is barefoot at that exact point. So I don't think the Nobel laureates focused on that, but it could have been their entire letter if they wanted. It was a big gift. Yeah, right. They send a PS or some also. And now that Heath has burned the image of a naked RFK junior into your mind forever, our work here is done.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too, Monty. And when we come back, we'll get to the parts of the book C.S. Lewis was trying to hide. Oh, man, this is going to be so good! So good! Hey fellas, whatcha eatin'? Just having a little Christmas dinner. That's right! Isn't it a little early for Christmas dinner?

All contrary Noah, you see this Christmas dinner is late. Yeah, we saved the stuff in the fridge from last year. Yeah, and now we have good eating all year round. Guys, if you want to eat great meals without the hassle, why don't you just try Factor? What's Factor? From breakfast to dinner and anything in between, Factor has easy, nutritious options to keep you fueled

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inspired flavors like Peruvian shrimp and red pepper cali grits. Fantastic. Where do I sign up? Head to factor meals dot com slash 50 scathing and use the code 50 scathing to get 50 percent off your first box plus free shipping. That's code 50 scathing at factor meals dot com slash 50SCATING to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping while your subscription is active. All right, Noah. Thanks. Looks like our next meal will be a little fresher than this cream spinach. Guys, we didn't have cream spinach at Christmas last year.

Right. Well, yeah, we should head to the hospital. Hospital? Yep. I'm coming. I'll call Dave ahead. One thing I've learned doing this show is that there's only so many ways you can introduce the same fucking book over and over again. So it's time for mere Christianity on this installment of God awful books. I thought you were going to be like last time it wasn't, it was a stupid book.

Let me start over. I'm going to start over. No, that's what I should do. Yeah. That's fair. A quitter. No illusions. That's what you are.

A quitter meta. Now the original plan was to have this thing that this was supposed to be the last segment that we did and we'd be making way for a new book next year. But it turns out that this will not be the first book we've actually made it through on schedule. So we're not going to we're going to have to let it bleed into 2025 a little bit after all. But we are going to start the final book tonight and that would be book four, Beyond Personality. Wait, what the fuck does that mean? Don't

worry, there's a post-colonic, yeah. Okay. Or First Steps in the Doctrine of the Trinity. Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, it doesn't make more sense now. In this one, CS Lewis will finally tackle Christian theology, i.e. the whole fucking reason we're here. And he'll start with chapter one, making and begetting. Beyond personality or coming inside. Now I get it. There you go. So his opening gambit in this whole fucking book is, all my friends say this part of the book is going to suck.

I believe that man. Yep. Sure. I believe they nailed it. Same. Now I will admit his map analogy, right? Where he's analogizing, where he's comparing knowing theology to a map. It's better than his usual analogies, but I love that he's used the Atlantic Ocean instead of like a map that isn't almost entirely empty space. So maybe it's a little too good. Yeah, also, the map he's talking about that represents Christian theology

is almost certainly a Mercator projection that's objectively wrong and racist. So that's a solid analogy, but not the way you were hoping there, buddy. Yeah, exactly. He's talking about people who don't want to do the work of theology, and he's like, do you want bullshit hippie religions? Because this is how you get bullshit hippie religions.

Yeah. First of all, pin in that. Second of all, my man, you spent a chapter defining charity as being Christian. I don't think you're the one to complain about the dangers of vagary. Right. And he says, you won't get to Newfoundland by studying the map. Apparently Newfoundland is Christianity. So it seems like the move is just don't go there. Like ask anyone in Ontario. They have a slur for that place.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Now he's like, it'll do us no good to just see Jesus as being a moral teacher because other people have moral teachers and we won't be special enough then. So close, yes. You can do it, buddy. No, he can't though. You're almost there.

He's so close. You're almost there. So he's got some desperate hand waving about how this stuff is actually too important. And then he tackles what it means that accepting Jesus can make us sons of God, even if God is already our father. So God is already our dad and then we have to like stop masturbating and become a giant bigot and then we get to be half brothers with Jesus? Come on, it's a terrible sales pitch.

Eskimo brothers? Yep, that's it. Anyone who's gone to their sister's wedding and everyone's like, oh, you're the half sister. You know it's not the same and that's obnoxious. That sucks. It's true. They treat you like that. He tells us that Christ was begotten, not created, and that this happened before all worlds. And then he's like, that's fucking argo bargo. Let me, let me start again. I'm going to try again. Okay, wait. Sorry, sorry. He thinks the problem that I have with theology is the beginning. Yes. Because, see, yes, I know that people begit, man.

It's not even close to what my complaints are with theology. Well, so he explains the difference between begetting and creating at length. Like, like we're going to be going, okay, all right, but what if you fuck a statue that looks like a real lady though, a lot? Okay, what about fuckbots shaped like a lawnmower? Oh you just blew his fucking mind. What was I talking about? But he says we are to God as statues are to us you see. More fuckable than their creator is willing to admit. Not my dad though, not my dad. Honest guy, happy sculptor. There you go. That's true. Why they're so droopy. He's

like he worked a lot of hours. Yeah, no. He's like, yeah, so you're you're like God, but don't get cocky. Everything's like God. And he gives us some examples. He's like, like space. Space is big. God is big. Vegetables. They're alive. God's alive. Bugs. Always busy doing shit. God's always busy doing shit. Those are his actual examples. They are. Again, I know I've said this a lot as we've gone through this thing, but Noah is not exaggerating anything but the tone and even then kind of only slightly. Only slightly, yeah. I'd say Noah actually toned it down for the last one about the bugs. The C.S. Lewis version said, the way insects frantically fuck each other, just like the unceasing creative energy of God,

like that's the phrase. It's almost exact words, what I just said. Yep. And he's like, okay, so here the problem is, is that I'm using life to mean two distinct things. One of them is the thing that everybody understands the word life to mean, the other isn't, which is probably the whole fucking problem. So then he's like mid thought, he's like,

so let me, I'm gonna pick better words. Let me start again. This is also where he says that humans are the closest to God-like as beings. But then he says, wait, hold on. Let's not forget about aliens that fuck like a swarm of meth locusts. That's probably a thing. Anyway,

back to the meaning of life. He actually gets distracted by that idea. Yes. He's like, there could be aliens that we don't know about. Yeah. So, but he picks his better words. Now, here's the words he chooses. Bios means life in the traditional sense. And then Zoe means the spiritual nonsense life thing. Bios and Zoe. I feel like we were better off with the confusing homonyms. I see I'm losing you, listener. Let me call the very important meaning of life I'm describing floor blue. Right. So, but the point is we want to go from Bios to Zoe, which is like going from a statue to being a dude.

Much harder to fuck. Yes. Well, it's all about butchers wax. Okay. See, there you go. Last words from dad right there. It's all about butchers wax. He goes, he's like, trust me, the imaginary thing that I can't define and can't measure

and can't demonstrate to exist is the very best thing that there is. That's the whole point of the religion. Yeah. And that I had to make up a word to even define. Right. It's so important that we've never bothered to name it with our language. Yeah. So now having established, correct me if I'm wrong, not a fucking thing. Zero, correct. We move on to chapter two, the three personal God. And this one starts with the classic C.S. Lewis. All right. That last chapter was shit. I didn't establish anything.

Let me start again. OK, look, I know it's going to be tempting to say we didn't learn anything from mere Christianity, but I think if anything, we've learned that chapters can call backs. Yeah, there's that is like playing tag with a little kid who cheats, but for reading a book about theology. I know this was based. So, okay. You're going time out interference on your own book? What does that even mean? So in this chapter, he's going to take on all those assholes who believe in a vague spirit behind the universe type of God. Finally, those unserious charlatans can get taken down a peg by a guy who had to make up a word

for the meaning of life in his last chapter. Right, but he explains that hippie God is less than personal, Christian God is more than personal. Whatever the fuck that means. Yeah, he slips into your DMs. Yeah, probably doesn't sound good,. Yeah like an unceasing fuck look He's like so in space you can move three ways left right up down forward and backwards I know what he's trying to get up a Christians have so much trouble with the number three

He's describing the concept of dimensions like he knows that he's talking to idiots Okay to be fair for a man who got the number three wrong in the last paragraph It may be the blind leading the blinds know yeah, no, that's fair So but his point seems to be on earth you might just be a square but in heaven you're one face of a cube Okay, you know how when you're talking to a square and you mention a cube and they're like what? God's like that. Yes So but so he then he stumps himself He's like you may wonder what the point of talking about this is if I've already admitted that you can't conceive of it from your

dimension fuck Fuck why did I try to draw this map of a mountain so big even God can't move it that seems Okay, just to be clear. This is a book about fucking non Euclidean Infinity guns written by a square who had trouble with cubes a few sentences ago. Yes, that's it Yeah, so you know he tries to save it with his weird when when you pray, that's actually God talking to himself through himself with himself bit. Yeah, prayer is actually just a masturbating cube

running a simulation on you. That's good to know. Worship the masturbating cube now is the message. So here's an actual quote from him on the Trinity. Quote, this definition is not something we have made up. Theology is in a sense an experimental science. It is simple religions that are the made up ones. And quote, yeah, inches away from I know you are, but what am I also CS science is something we made up. Yep. So it's more, I know you aren't, but I assure you I am.

Symbol religions are cool. Not. Got em. Right. So it's experimental though, in the sense that if we could sneak up on God, we could study him, but we're just not stealthy enough. Very, very quiet. I'm hunting religions. Yep. Yeah. This book feels a lot like Elmer Fudd getting foiled over and over again in his own autobiography of Elmer Fudd.

Right, by his autobiography, yeah. So yeah, but he explains that theology is a science and the tools are your imagination, and this is why, quote, "'horrible nations have horrible religions,' end quote. Hey, look at that, We agree again. Right. Tell us which nations you mean. Yeah. But so, but this whole argument here boils down to you have to already believe in God to see the evidence of him.

Okay. It's, it's kind of like the, the shy peer at the urinal, but like reversed. It's the argument from you can only pee when you're looking at me. Making hard eye contact. That I understand. Yeah, all right, fair enough, with Sean. But honestly though, the best argument he's made so far is right here, he's like if Christianity were made up,

we'd have made up something way less convoluted and stupid than this, wouldn't we? And that honestly, like I've seen a lot of people present that as a good argument. So the refutation of that argument, the elaborations of a bad liar, right? The lie is Jesus is God. That's simple. That's as simple as say, I was out with my poker buddies last night, but it's a lie. It's when you try to justify that shit, despite the evidence that it gets all complicated.

Right. Me and Heath trying to set up a backdrop is what happens. And then there's, you know, 2000 years of councils where Santa punches someone in the face over what Larry drew on the river. And then you have Christian. Right. So we get chapter three. I was pulling on it. Time and beyond time. The opening thought on this one is who the fuck reads every single chapter in a book? I laughed for so long. It's amazing.

The very first sentence. Yeah, no, it's fucking hilarious. This is the most hilarious opening. I suck at this admission in a book full of opening. I suck at this admissions. He literally gives us permission to skip the chapter he's like for most of you this is gonna this chapter is gonna be pointless and stupid and he's done this to us before yeah it's Don McLean doing a concert and refusing to play American Pie for spite

because he's mad about being a one-hit wonder and I'm reading the concert in this case also Also, American pie doesn't even exist in this case too. Right. Yeah, it's imaginary. So this chapter is about how silly it is to think that God is listening to your bedtime prayers. Yeah. He says, sensible people skip ahead when they come to a chapter that's useless. And then very next thought, I want to talk about God's work life balance. Yes, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. But he's like, he wants to deal with the problem of how could God hear so many bedtime prayers at the same time? And he's like, yeah, no, that seems silly until you remember that God has time manipulation powers and then it seems less silly. Okay.

Once again, the only thing CS Lewis is worse at than his own arguments is my Objections to them. Yeah, he thought the problem that I had with the concept of omniscient. God was where he finds the time Does he know about better help Look if CS Lewis was familiar with the term outside of time, it would have saved us this whole fucking chapter. That would have been great. God can call a timeout like Zack Morris. Right. If he was familiar with Saved by the Bell, that also would have done the trick. He also he deals with the problem of who the fuck were people praying to when God was a baby sucking on Mary's tit.

He's outside of time, guys. OK, you know those weird Catholic philosophers from the Middle Ages who wrote shit like, everyone was a flesh robot till Jesus was born and Jesus invoked souls into dead people on his death? Okay, those philosophers would read this chapter and be like, I don't know, man. Sounds like you're fucking full of shit today. Are you full of shit? Past the mud? He briefly deals with the incompatibility of omniscience and free will, right?

It turns out that God is just remembering our actions from the future so that problem doesn't count. Okay, you know how a cube from the future can beat the fuck out of a square from now? Exactly. Shut up. Stop complaining. No, I want to point out that doesn't materially change the argument in any fucking way. It doesn't matter how God gets the information. He can't know what you're going to do if you have free will to do otherwise. So, and then he goes like, he's like,

if this chapter didn't help, I did. I told you, you could fucking skip it. Don't complain to me. Yeah, but Noah didn't tell us we could skip it, CS. So you're out of luck. Sorry. So, okay. Then we get, we go to a chapter that looks like it was titled by RFK jr. Chapter 4 good infection So at the beginning of this chapter CS Lewis needed an example of a food that you would eat that you would regret eating later

and he went with Cucumber cucumber cucumber because of the indigestion. He's like, look, honestly, I feel like you could have killed this man with a jalapeno frito. He would have melted like the Wicked Witch of the West. Well, you know what they say? They say cucumbers are the British jalapeno. I've seen our very own Michael Marshall order water mild.

No, that's true. That's true. And listen, we made some jokes at the time, but that flight of cucumbers from your favorite restaurant, it got zesty at the end of the flight. You loved those cucumbers. Don't join him. Don't join him against me. Don't sleep on Eli's very sophisticated cucumber palate. Don't sleep with me at all. Yep. I'm not very good-looking. Soft. Wait, what did you say? He's like memory foam.

They can. So here he explains that God can beget Jesus even if they started existing at the same time, like like books stacked on top of each other is his analogy. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Both. I solved it. Yeah, that's it. The chicken was fucking the egg sculpture and it was a tie. On the side of the square. Right, yeah.

No, he spends a lot of time trying to pin down the concept of simultaneously, but he eventually does. This section is so long. He's like, okay, was the concept of two books on a table a little thinky? I get it. Let me try again. Whoever saw two books at the same time I'll do something new you know fire wait no okay that's complicated too I got this uh think of a lamp okay and there's light is like it's like now now just now now now it's that I checked 657 words. It's unbearably long simultaneous. Right. And then he gets to the end of it and he's like, fuck, father son was actually better this whole

time. I'm trying to fuck. This is stupid. He's like, it's he says, that's the problem. You try to do an analogy better than the Bible and it's the fucking Bible. God knows better how to explain himself than I ever can. And I'm like, wait a minute, this explains everything. He's not allowed to exceed the Bible in terms of analogy. Guys, in Ezekiel, God calls Jerusalem a prostitute who pays other people to have sex with them. Jesus warns his disciples about the yeast of the Pharisees. These are the analogies. He's not allowed to be better than that. Yeah. So, he explains that God is love only makes sense if, uh, God is at least two

people cause he can't be love until he has something to love. So before there was stuff, he couldn't be love. Could he? So stupid. Right. But I love that he's accidentally started the universe with two dudes that love each other very much. Yeah.

Supernatural. Sam and Dean. Absolutely. Yeah, supernatural, Sam and Dean, absolutely. And it says, the living dynamic activity of love has been going on in God forever. And that's like a minor, it's going to ramp up to so much sexuality by accident. Oh, yeah, no, the most important difference between Christianity and the other religions is that their God pulsates. Quote, quote.

Exactly words. In Christianity, God is not a static thing and not even a person, but a dynamic pulsating activity. A life, almost a kind of drama, almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance, end quote. It's like a dance. It's like a dance, yeah. God is like a day like a dance. Yeah

God is like two men who love each other doing parkour. Yes. Love it. Yes thick turgid throbbing Parkour just like to take a moment to say how grateful I am that we took those vague Hippie fuckers down a peg earlier in the book. Am I right? Right? Well, if they don't worry you like things are too vague for you Now we're now gonna get to the Holy Ghost. He's like, think of the Holy Ghost as something inside of you or behind you. This is getting more and more gay sex the further we go, guys. Okay. Again, Noah is not exaggerating. According to CS, the Father is in front of you,

the Son is at your side, and the Holy Ghost is behind you or inside of you Like he's describing the Duggar household. It's terrifying. Oh Jesus Christ That's a beach and a hege and you're eagerly backing into the Holy Ghost as I read at best And then he says that God's gifts are, I swear this is a quote, a great fountain of energy and beauty spurting up at the very center of reality. If you are close to it, the spray will wet you. Come on, man. And the next thing it says is, and if you are not close to it, you will remain dry. Yes. And if you remain dry, it feels a little bit wasted. Can God just say that? Like you said, you said I could spray.

It's God's birthday. And with the Trinity thusly explained, we can close the world's most popular book of Christian apologetics that Eli was nervous about doing for fear it would be too convincing. But there's still more to come on the, maybe the really convincing part is still to come on the next installment of God Awful Books. pray in the new year with all the horrors that 2025 has on tap for an uninterrupted, like 40 some odd weeks or whatever till next Thanksgiving. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show

The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend God awful movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show Citation D to debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I'd get demoted if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for being a married gentleman, Lucid Delusions for being a herald angel, and Eli Bosniak for faithfully coming. I want to also thank friend of the show and real life superhero Jeff Blackwell for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

You'll find a link to his podcast, The Not So Grand Jury, in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most mellifluous mammals, Andrew, John, one million Kenny's, Leah, Tom and Aaron. Andrew and John, who are so hot, Fahrenheit has to borrow degrees from Celsius just to measure them. The Kenny's and Leah, who are so bright, those dangerously blinding headlights complain about them and Tom and Aaron, whose packages are even more welcome this time of year than Amazon's.

Together, these one million and five festive free thinkers forward forkfuls of fortune to foster our fuckery this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, where while you learn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode, or you make a one time donation by clicking on the button on the right side of the homepage at scathing atheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but we're on your naughty list, you can also help a ton by leaving a five star view, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media and speaking to social media Tim Romperson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used for permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. All right.

So the bad news is, is that the judge rejected the onions bid and they don't get info. We're stupid. The good news is, I'm well well the good news for the Onion is they got the best of both worlds, right? They got all the great press that they wanted and they don't have to spend the fucking money. Yeah, well that's true. So great for them, but-

What's happening at the desk though? Well, that's the thing is that like, it's still for sale guys. It's still for sale. If I don't get the arc, we're going to have some money to throw around.