The Scathing Atheist - 646: Gone With the Sinned Edition
Episode Date: July 17, 2025In this week’s episode, Texans thank God for drowning their children, the weather in Oklahoma is cloudy with a chance of space lasers, and we’ll put the ‘fun’ in funeral once again. --- Come s...ee us in Cleveland on Saturday, July 19th! --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: scathingnews@gmail.com To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Headlines: Greg Abbott counts on prayer to take care of floods and disasters again: https://ffrf.org/news/releases/ffrf-condemns-abbotts-call-for-prayer-after-texas-flood-disaster-urges-investment-in-science/ 6-year-old boy survives near-drowning, says he witnesses angels in heaven: https://www.klfy.com/local/6-year-old-boy-survives-near-drowning-witnesses-angels-in-heaven/ https://www.tiktok.com/@breathofthechrist/video/7525932953348656414 Labubu dolls are getting burned because they might be demons: https://www.unilad.com/community/viral/labubu-conspiracy-theory-demon-burning-tiktok-095064-20250711 https://www.ndtv.com/feature/heres-why-labubu-dolls-are-being-linked-to-mesopotamian-demon-pazuzu-8833538 The Simpsons might've predicted the whole thing as usual: https://www.unilad.com/film-and-tv/news/the-simpsons-labubus-conspiracy-theory-pazuzu-demon-131357-20250712 'Any excuse to go to pub' culture at crisis-hit cathedral: https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/ckg34410dx7o Anti-government group takes credit for radar sabotage as "god's work" to prevent weather weapons: https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona/2025/07/11/veterans-on-patrol-oklahoma-weather-radar-vandalism/84540995007/ https://www.news9.com/story/686f05493c7e238539083cd0/anti-government-miltia-group-claims-responsibility-for-vandalism-to-news-9-radar --- This Week in Misogyny: Law would require proper use of female-based crash test dummies: https://www.ems1.com/vehicle-crashes/crash-survivor-pushes-congress-to-require-female-crash-test-dummies-in-safety-tests Anti-government group takes credit for radar sabotage as "god's work" to prevent weather weapons: https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/local/arizona/2025/07/11/veterans-on-patrol-oklahoma-weather-radar-vandalism/84540995007/ https://www.news9.com/story/686f05493c7e238539083cd0/anti-government-miltia-group-claims-responsibility-for-vandalism-to-news-9-radar Woman sues church for shaming her into staying in abusive relationship: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/woman-sues-john-macarthurs-church
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Warning, it's gotten to the point where failing to use profanity is borderline dishonest.
This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Mint Mobile,
My Sheets Rock, and by God of the Movies Live in Cleveland, Ohio, God of the Movies Live
dot com, because sometimes I can just use this segment to advertise that is allowed.
And now, The Scathing atheist. While we've been here two hundred thousand years,
we've changed from what we were then.
Today we need to see we indeed
evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.
It's July 17th.
And it's National Dole Whip Day.
The fuck?
For when frozen yogurt just isn't disappointing enough.
I have no illusions.
I'm Eli Bosnik.
I'm Heath Enright.
And from Judy Blooms, New Jersey,
Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia,
this is the Skating Atheist.
On this week's episode,
Texans thank God for drowning their children.
The weather in Oklahoma is cloudy
with a chance of space lasers.
And we'll put the fun in funeral once again.
But first, the diatron.
Hey guys, is this what it looks like when two face-eating leopards both eat each other's faces at the same time?
Because like on the one hand, you have all these Trump voters who voted for lower inflation,
no foreign wars, transparency and racism and got inflationary tariffs, bombs in Iran, stonewalled
and racism.
But at the same time, Trump's circus leveraged the conspiracy theories of unhinged lunatics
to get into office, and now they're all fucked up with the fact that their supporters are
all a bunch of unhinged conspiracy theorists.
Which brings about this gloriously poetic situation where the first thing to dent his
fucking armor is getting caught in the truth.
Now I want to be super clear on the reality here because way too many voices on the left
are promoting conspiracy theory logic now that they think it's Trump's kryptonite.
So for the record, there is almost certainly no client list for the underage sex trafficking
ring.
Okay, I spent a lot of years dealing drugs.
I never had a customer list.
It's just it's not how illegal shit generally works.
What I did have and what Jeffrey Epstein had
was an address book full of contacts.
And that exists and has been published.
Gawker published it back in 2015
along with logs from his private jet.
Those are the closest things we're probably ever gonna see
to a client list and Donald Trump is on both of them.
There are also myriad other reasons to believe
Trump is a patteras,
including reports that he would regularly barge
into the dressing room of the Miss Teen USA pageant that he
owned.
But Trump has denied this officially, of course, but he also confirmed it officially on the
Howard Stern Show before he had fucking presidential aspirations.
So it's not remotely conspiratorial to suggest that Trump was a client of Jeffrey Epstein.
The evidence is over fucking whelming.
But to argue that Epstein had a specific blackmail list that had all his clients' names on it,
let alone the implication that we could just trust the veracity of a professional child
rapist's blackmail list, and that Trump is withholding it now to avoid implicating himself
in a crime that he could not possibly be more implicated in, did I mention that there are
pictures, is.
The whole idea that there was a secret client list was a cudgel that conspiracy
theorists created to beat Democrats with.
And to be fair to the Trump administration, they did manage to successfully pivot away
from the whole issue early on in his presidency.
Even after his idiot of an attorney general said, yep, I'm looking at the list of known
pedophiles that includes the political and business elite right now.
Going to do something about that any minute.
They did manage to bury it beneath so many controversies du jour that his
fan base more or less moved on. And then Elon Musk decided he wanted his bridges burning as bright
as a Tesla in a parking lot. So he tweeted out the now infamous accusation that Trump was on
the Epstein list. Now, of course, there's no list. So there's no way to prove otherwise, right? You
can't publish the lack of a list. and the subsequent claims that there never was a list
are severely undercut by the fact that the person saying that is on the record saying
the opposite, like earlier this year.
So the mega base is like, Oh yeah, haven't you had that on your desk for like five months
now, Pam Bondi, weren't you going to release it and or arrest any of the known child rapists
on it?
And she was like, what list?
Cue all the Trump people now who are out of power or on the periphery lining up against
Pam Bondi because the other choice is to give up their best cudgel.
And obviously they can't go after Trump directly because the emperor can never be responsible
for his own nudity.
So they're calling for Bondi's head on a stick.
And unlike almost everything else
that's ever happened to Trump,
this scandal managed to persist
through multiple other scandals.
So he takes to his fucking Kmart Twitter
and he releases this verbose missive
about how Bondi's doing a great job
and she's gonna get all them
Adrena Crohn harvesting kitty dittlers any minute now.
And then he gets ratioed on his own fucking website that he owns and
is entirely peopled by fans of his and bots of his but that's the whole
audience right and even they're like interesting so far from putting the
issue to bed he accidentally created this highly visible thermometer of just
how much his fans aren't buying his bullshit now that he's telling the truth.
Now I don't want to go counting any chickens here.
Just because Lucy's holding the ball doesn't mean I'm going to start running at the motherfucker
again.
But there are almost no evil and despicable things that could be true about a person that
are not provably true about Donald Trump.
And none of those have moved the needle, right?
Maybe a load of shit is what we've needed all along.
Or maybe, as a tweet I saw the other day suggested, the reality is that a lot of disillusioned
Trumpies were just shown an exit from MAGA where they don't have to admit that their
blue-haired niece has been right the whole time.
Either way, it's at the very least
currently stirring Dear Leader into a ketchup-flinging rage, and knowing that is an endorphin hit all of its own.
Joining me for headlines tonight are the mayo and ketchup to my mustard Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik.
Fellas, are you ready to put the condom in condiment?
Yet another way I support raw dogging, Noah.
No connings.
Okay, and that's why you need ExpressVPN with Eli.
Yeah, and speaking of safe ways to communicate with Eli, it's time for a word from our first
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Oh, hey Noah, we're just getting ready for our 30 second live show in Cleveland this
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Wait, hold on a second.
Wait, the show this weekend is only going to be 30 seconds?
Yeah, that's right.
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Thanks.
That would have been a bjah. Oh, now that's a lot of slash scathing. All right, no, thanks. That would have been a
BYEAH! Oh now that's a lot of stank on it. Please, please stop saying stank on it.
No. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, I talked in last
week's Diatribe about all the weather modification conspiracy theories
Republicans have to invent and promote these days to explain away the consequences
of climate change. But because of our focus on that, we really didn't get a chance to
talk about any other religious bullshit surrounding the flooding in Texas, right? Like the part
where Greg Abbott was pissing away time in the immediate aftermath of the storm, declaring
days of prayer and insisting that that was
working and all the time, money and effort were being spent rushing Bibles to the scene
while bodies were still being fished out of the river.
So this week we're going to talk about that for a bit by killing a Bible camper ourselves.
Wait, what?
Okay.
Listen, I know from least trouble that Bible truth is measured in stacking height, but
it's not even a good
levy material.
Right, exactly.
Right.
Yeah.
So, okay.
So let's start with that day of prayer.
So as so often happens in Texas, the elected officials in charge saw a disaster where people
were dying on their watch and thought, well, this is a great way to promote my religion.
So on July 5th, the day after the catastrophic flooding took the lives of 137 Texasans and counting,
Greg Abbott used a press conference to declare the following day, July 6th, a day of prayer.
And then he spent like a minute and a fucking half talking about the power of prayer
and how the kids who didn't die probably didn't die because they prayed better.
I mean, he didn't say those exact words, but that was the unmistakable implication of it. And he also pointed out that, Hey, for all we know, it was prayer
that stopped the water from rising any higher. Right. And the implication of course is that
all the kids who did die didn't pray well enough there. It's from all angles. When you
think about it. Yep. Worth noting that pretty much zero Muslim people died. I feel like that could be a clue about God for the Christian.
Yeah, right, right. So yeah, so I'm sure theologians are hard at work on the God hit the divine snooze button and forgot
the faucet was on theory, but it's damn telling when the leader of the state that's most known for both deregulation and
people dying in natural disasters insists that prayer is too a viable disaster mitigation strategy. Yeah it is.
And hey maybe the Bible with a giant flood on like page fucking seven not the
best idea for the flood survivors. No, not what they need. Texas Senator Ted Cruz on the other
hand was devastated by how the flooding impacted
his enjoyment of touring the Parthenon in Greece.
Hard to appreciate the architecture when all those texts kept blowing up his phone, but
OK.
Upon his belated return to the U.S., he took an interview about the flooding where he was
asked why a loving God would kill so many innocent children at a camp that was dedicated
to glorifying him,
to which Ted Cruz answered in part, quote,
"'We have a good and benevolent God,
"'but God allows things to happen sometimes
"'that defy human explanation,
"'and that's where we need love
"'and where we need grace,' end quote."
So there you have it, God allows things to happen.
Next question.
We found it everybody, we figured it out. And in Jesus Take the Squeal news, the omnipotent
creator of the universe nearly murdered two kids in a row this month because he really needed them
to repeat the exact religious beliefs that they and their families grew up with. Feels like it
would be more impressive to do that somewhere where that wasn't the case.
Like India, wherever there are kids being blatantly used by their parents, there might
be a book and a god-awful movie.
So we're going to talk about it.
Yeah, guys, guys, your God can't bring somebody back from the dead without killing them first.
That's the problem that you have with the whole monotheism, right?
This is a net zero proposition and always will be.
Can't even create a really thick baby that he can't lift. Your omnipotent God is stuck
in a zero sum game. Just think about it.
So first up, big thanks to Brandon for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.
If you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we'll ignore if you spell your
name wrong, just like I just did now with Brandon, except for now.
And also this scathingnews at gmail.com.
Okay.
It's one of those spellings where if I told you what unusual letter was in it, you would
go where and why?
Okay. That's all the funnier because it's a why people
yes okay so the news source i could find credulous enough to cover this story was
klfy.com which builds itself as a catious local news outlet i believe them they brought us the
story of dj parker according to dj's mom quote, I saw DJ sitting by the pool with
his feet in the pool and I was kind of okay with it because DJ, he's scared of the water.
So he's not going to just jump in the water. Oh my God. He was playing with a plastic bag,
but I figured it's fine. He's more of a paper kid. So we got scissors everywhere, like lousy
with scissors all over the house, but he's not going to run with them. He's a paper man.
We're good.
So good.
Yeah.
So this six-year-old kid falls in the water.
That's why there's a news story, everybody.
And of course we need the obligatory, they weren't even religious, which is weak even
in this case with KFLY telling us, quote, for Parker and her husband who believed in
God but didn't have a stable church home
at the moment, hearing what DJ witnessed deepened their faith, end quote.
Right, but their faith was so shallow, like that they're like, well, these people had
the absolute minimum depth of faith and this deepened it.
Well, of course it did, right?
Right.
But that's even more ridiculous when you compare it to the mom's statement where she says,
quote, we just started screaming God's name first and we kind of panicked, but something told
me to wait.
Let's do CPR.
Let's try to revive.
Yeah, there you go.
And while I'm reviving him, I'm just praying God, please call your angels, cover them with
my son, Lord, in the name of Jesus, Lord, cover my baby with your blood in the name
of Jesus, Lord, please give me my baby back. And quote, Angel Zubin. Yeah, just keep doing the CPR. You gotta do the Bee Gees thing. Stop praying.
I think it's the Bee Gees to stay on pace.
So yeah, turns out that when someone is in a semi-conscious state and you yell Mickey
Mouse's name at them a bunch of times, they see Mickey Mouse. Because here's what DJ saw,
according to his dad, quote, he looked at me
and my husband.
He said, no daddy, no mama.
God is real.
I saw him.
I saw him and uncle Quimane.
What?
Oh, well, hey, if you can't trust an adolescent's dreams, what can you trust?
Right?
Yes.
Uncle Quimane was like, Hey, don't almost kill my nephew, please.
And God was like, I'm getting, getting a Sorbo movie.
And I know what you're thinking podcast listener.
Okay.
Has this six year old made any deep and affecting life changes as a result of his experience
all by himself?
Why?
Yes, he has.
According to KLFY to mark a second chance of life
DJ wants to change his name to a fear which means air in Hebrew and according to his mom quote
Why do you want to name yourself after the air and he was with God in the air?
sick
Also mommy you should change your name to the Hebrew word for brimstone. God said you would know why.
Wait, wait, one more thing.
He's telling me one more thing.
Uh, he said unlimited yogurt melts.
I don't normally like to eat too many of those, but like God said, like unlimited.
All right.
If you say so.
I'm a Christian.
Okay.
But my favorite part of this story is that on top of how ridiculous it already is, part
of its popularity, if you've seen this on Facebook, is based on people getting confused
with another different kid who got in a skateboard accident and saw his dead dad.
That story is going viral on TikTok.
That kid's name is Kason.
And the fact that God didn't send him back with the message to also change his name is all
The proof you need that his story is fake.
There you go. Yeah.
And in here comes bunny labooboo news.
Oh, yeah
For anyone who doesn't have their finger on the pulse of the doll industry like I do
There's a new craze over the last few years called Labooboo.
They're little stuffed animals that look like rabbits with big eyes and a toothy grin,
and they're all the rage. Big name celebrities like Rihanna, Cher, and Kim Kardashian are hanging
the dolls from handbags, and people are doing crimes to get their hands on a Labooboo. Some
of the dolls are going for thousands of dollars
and a couple in Singapore actually got caught
breaking into a claw machine to get one.
Highly prized these things.
But.
Go for it, those things are a fucking scam.
Go ahead, break in.
That's not fair, it's fair, it's fair.
That can't be a crime.
But even more importantly,
they might be hiding a sinister secret.
There's an ancient Mesopotamian demon named Pazuzu.
That's right, the one from the exorcist.
And Pazuzu might be smuggling demonic energy into the human realm one libubu at a time.
Okay, so honestly, I've said this before, but the main reason Mesopotamian mythology
never caught on in the West, the way that like Greek and Norse did is that all the names
sound silly.
Pazuzu, Kaleeli, Humbaba, really hard to get scared when those are the demons coming after
you.
Yeah, but an excellent way to start the Lion King on Broadway.
All right.
And a big thanks to the Pazuzu, K scathingnews at gmail.com.
If we ever acquire a Labooboo, very difficult, Daniel can hold it for one minute and try
to absorb the demon powers or just hold it and play with it
So how did we learn about the nefarious plan?
Tik-tok, but not just any tick-tock. I'm talking about the journalists over at
Christian tick-tock. They started by realizing that Labouboo has very similar
They started by realizing that Labubu has very similar mouth noises to Pazuzu. It does.
It's true.
Also, they look the same.
No, they don't.
The traditional depiction of Pazuzu, the demon, has the body of a serpent with wings, bird-like
talons, the horns of a goat goat and a lion face. But that does include eyes and teeth, which are also present on the boo boo.
Interesting.
It is.
And demon stuff is happening.
That's the part.
Right.
According to one Christian talker named Fisher, quote, warning, LeBubu is not a toy.
It's a cult, a plush vessel for the demon Pazuzu.
Everyone who brings it home signs a contract, especially when they give it to a child.
So Pazuzu has fucking terms of service then?
Look, I think we can all admit the only thing more demonic than whatever Pazuzu does is
the people who actually read the terms of service.
So in response to all the anti-demon backlash, the toy company that makes Labooboo acknowledged
the possibility of the soul scourge and issued a recall notice just to be safe.
That notice was published on April 1st.
But it's important to remember that we all had a warning
about this danger long before this year
from the Simpsons in their 2017 Treehouse of Horror episode.
Homer thinks he's ordering a pizza,
but he actually orders a Pizzuzu
because the letters and the mouth noises.
And that brought the demon
into the Simpsons house.
And we learned about that Simpsons prophecy from another citizen journalist who posted
the booboo toys look cute until you realize they're Pazuzu inspired demons, just like
in the Simpsons Homer brought one home and it possessed him.
Yeah. I mean, honestly, at this point, The Simpsons has a better track record than the
Bible, at least.
Like if we're going to interpret prophecy out of something, sure.
And The Simpsons has only glorified one unrepentant child rapist.
There's a lot to like about that.
Cool.
Cool.
Well, after reading all that, I just, I didn't know what to believe.
So I checked out Snopes.
Oh good.
And they have a dedicated article about this.
Turns out that theory about the Simpsons was wrong.
It was Maggie who got possessed by Pazuzu, not Homer.
Stupid.
Dumbasses.
That being said, Snopes did not weigh in
with an official rating of the
truth value behind the broad theory of lububu having a connection to Pazuzu.
They reached out to the artist KSing Lung asking about any relationship to that Mesopotamian
demon but they have not heard back.
So if you've got a lububu right now, maybe put it inside a circled pentagram
made of salt, sage and blood and wait for more information. Just to be safe. Don't burn
your investment until you have all the facts, but also be safe. Obviously. And while I run out and
grab some sage, we're going to pause for a word from this week's other sponsor, Mint Mobile.
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Dude, what?
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All right, Noah. Thanks. Hey, if I tell you a party is going to have cold babes, are you
more or less excited?
Well, less, Stu, definitely less.
But they want snuggles.
Do they?
A man wrote in the Bible?
A horse, which one?
If it's a legitimate race.
If it's a slut, right?
Cooking can be fun.
Hey, I'm proud of a man!
This Week in Massagena.
So first things first, based on the messages in my inbox, the answer to your most burning
question is yes.
I am still cigarette-free 43 days in.
That puts me past the Jesus time scale of 40 days and 40 nights and onto the Noah time
scale.
Either the boat guy or my husband, I guess.
But yeah, I'm sticking with my commitment so far, no matter how hard the new cycle tries to change my mind.
Speaking of which, let's do one of those,
that's great and all, but how the fuck are we just now
getting around to it type stories?
Because in a rare story about this Congress
doing something right,
they passed a law called the She Drives Act.
See, as it is now,
women are 73% more likely to be injured
in a head-on collision.
And the main reason for that is that safety testing for cars is primarily done with men
as the default.
But this act will, among other things, require that vehicles use both male and female analog
crash test dummies in their testing.
And I should say, the history of crash test dummies is a fantastic lesson in sexism and
the value of representation.
See, the crash test dummy was first invented in 1949 and they were designed around men
of average height and weight.
We'd first start using a female version in, drum roll please, 2003.
Now for the earliest part of its life, these dummies were only being used to test jets,
and all the jet pilots at the time were men. But they started using them for cars in 1968.
They'd get around to making one based on average women in 1976. Because how else
were they gonna test the passenger seat, right? They wouldn't start moving that
dummy into the driver's seat for years afterwards, and even now they aren't
required to.
So yeah, great job to the most evil legislative body in my lifetime, I guess.
I'm glad you took a break from taking the rights
away from women long enough to do that.
Anyway, enough with the good news.
Let's get to more of the kind of evil
you come to the segment for now.
Well, then let me introduce you to Lorraine Zelinski.
She was a member of Grace Community Church in California
and she had a serious problem with a husband
that was physically and emotionally abusive
to both her and their daughter,
to the point where the kid was scared to go to sleep.
So she goes to her church counselor and says,
hey, I need to get a divorce.
Here's why, what do I do?
And of course you already know the answer, right?
Submit to your husband.
Despite her telling them that she feared for her own life,
they told her that she was bound to stay with him,
and if there was a problem in the marriage,
it was up to her to solve it.
And after it became clear
that this was the official position of the church,
she decided that she would leave altogether
and go to a different church.
But they said no.
How the fuck does a church tell you that you can't leave, you might ask?
Well, in this instance, it was by threatening to expose all the private information she
shared during her counseling sessions with the church.
According to a lawsuit she's now filed over this shit, they basically blackmailed her
with the exposure of her personal information unless she resolved things with her abusive husband
And here's the most fucked up thing y'all
The lawsuit will probably fail because the church's rules that she signed on to explicitly allow them to do shit like this
So yeah
If you want good news all I can tell you is that the guy who ran that church died right after the story broke
Other than that it's par for the course who ran that church died right after the story broke. Other than that, it's
par for the course. And on that note, I'll wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah,
he and Eli.
Thank you, Lucinda. And in this one's a banger news. We've been known to be a little harsh
on the church here at Scathing Atheists, probably because of all the kid fucking, but it's also because when they aren't raping kids, churches are a little lame.
Well, we'd like to officially retract that statement about Banger Cathedral, which, after
the retirement of the Archbishop following two inquiries into the misuse of church funds,
turns out to have been a pretty hard party.
So we're going to talk about it. Okay, spoiler. I am going to disapprove a pretty hard party. So we're gonna talk about okay spoiler. I
Am gonna disapprove of their drinking here. It is not
Well, I don't know
Heath I haven't had a drink in years and you don't approve of that. So yeah see see
So first off big thanks to Michelle who sent us this story to scathing news at gmail.com
Thanks to atheist news sleuths like Michelle, we sound refined, international, and able to pronounce words like indigenous on our very
first try. Side note podcast listener, I know you didn't hear it, but I did not manage to
do that while reading that line in our script. Scathingnews at gmail.com.
He said genius eight times in a row.
Well, seven, the eighth one was me using it ironically, but yeah.
Thank you.
So for those of you only aware of its neolinguistic
pretender to the throne in the US,
Bangor is the oldest city in Wales.
And not to indulge stereotypes,
but it seems like they were being awfully fucking Welsh
about their church.
Wow.
According to the BBC,
not only were casks of beer being blessed
at an October event back in 2022, but some priests and choir members
at the cathedral already mired in controversy.
Did a seven last shots of Christ drinking game at a pub on Good Friday
after service.
The Never Have I Ever game went very badly, like right away.
Oh, my God. I get it. Everybody's sitting there on the precipice of alcohol poisoning, going, Service the never have I ever game went very badly like right away. Oh my god
Are we sitting there on the precipice of alcohol poisoning going down that somebody do one with adults?
But of course We wouldn't be reporting on this story if it was the case of just one church turning out to be fun
Some churches are fun some have dirt bike shows sponsored by a bald. That Alec, if you were gonna shoot somebody anyway, my god.
Exactly. Exactly. No.
Get your brother Stephen on the set, man.
Exactly. Yeah. He's been asking you to. It's a win-win-win-win. No, all this drinking
merriment led to what churches actually export, sexual impropriety and danger to young people.
One anonymous parishioner who spoke to the BBC said she was sexually assaulted by a priest
in training while he was drunk and a former choir member left the church because she felt
the environment had become unsafe for children.
It's gotten to where you can't get a pedophile to psychologically abuse your children with
stories about a demon torturing them because a ghost watches them touch themselves safely
anymore.
So I had to pull my kids out.
Yeah. So I know the press is playing this like drunk church was really wacky and sure that
does seem wacky, but you can also be drunk and wacky without sexually assaulting people.
Sure can.
And you can definitely do it without abusing your status as a charity. So
yeah, probably for the best that this news got out there
and that this is being taken care of.
Yeah.
And finally tonight in Weathering Heights news.
Oh, well done.
In order to help out God in his ongoing battle
against big meteorology,
people are attacking and vandalizing radar towers
used by local news channels to track the weather.
The latest example was in Oklahoma City last week. And, you know, weather stuff doesn't really matter there for public safety.
But still, don't do what this guy did.
Local weather underground activist Anthony Mitchell hopped a fence and smashed up the power supply unit for the Doppler Tower
at News 9.
Then he got arrested for a different crime and eventually charged with vandalizing the
tower, mostly because he did that entire vandalizing crime right in front of a security camera.
Yeah.
Posed for a picture doing a crime is not an overstatement.
Oh, okay.
I'm not excusing what he did at all.
This is terrible and stupid, but I can see how a few years of living in Oklahoma would
cause a person to side with a tornado.
Right.
And a big thanks to Kevin for sending the link to skatingnews at gmail.com.
Kevin gets to play with Eli's space laser for 10 minutes
if we're not using it.
But I am, Kevin.
Read a newspaper.
I've been very busy with my space laser lately.
So following the rest of Mitchell,
an anti-government militia group called Veterans on Patrol
claimed responsibility for the radar attack.
Group leader Michael Lewis Arthur Meyer
is pretty sure the US military and the media, I guess the weather media
like the weather people, are trying to control the weather and attack American
people or something. And the radar towers are part of the secret weapon. According
to Meyer, quote, when the military plays God with the weather,
they're mocking our heavenly father.
Nothing could mock a God more than you speaking for him, bro.
He also added, eliminating directed energy weapons that are embedded in our infrastructure
is not going to harm a single American. Our goal is to take out 15 energy weapons in the
state and we want to do it simultaneously.
Okay. So you just did one and stopped or you're announcing your plan like a less likable riddler?
I'm confused with what happened here.
You're supposed to wait until you have the good guy in your clutches to tell us that.
Do you even have clutches?
You feel clutches. You feel feel clutchless. Thank you Noah.
So you might be wondering why
Michael Lewis Arthur Meyer
is not already in jail.
So am I.
Especially after he showed up
at a police station in
Oklahoma City two days
after that vandalism at News 9
to explain how
he's the ringleader.
And he made a selfie video of his time at the police station.
He walks in and he tells the front desk, I'm the one commanding the operations.
Eventually, two cops come to speak with him, but almost immediately they go back inside
the office, clearly refusing to listen to his
manifesto that I'm sure he was really hoping to deliver. And then he's just standing there in the lobby by himself and he looks directly into the camera and he tells his audience, you're doing
God's work if you're eliminating the military's capabilities of playing God with the weather.
Jesus fucking Christ. You guys, you remember how the day before yesterday
their line was that it was silly to think that centuries
of human activity could affect the climate.
Remember that?
And it's worth noting that Michael Lewis Arthur Meyer
is far from the only person doing stupid shit like this
and using God's work as their rationale.
There's been a weird spike just very specifically
in radar attacks all over the country
and groups like the National Oceanic
and Atmospheric Administration
and the National Weather Service are being forced
to ramp up security at radars.
It even led to some conspiracy busting action
by Lee Zeldin the
Anti-environment head of the environmental protection agency that the Trump put in charge last week
He put up dedicated pages on the EPA website to explain that
Chemtrails are are nothing and that the US military is not trying to kill Americans with weather weapons
But that's exactly what the EPA would say.
So, Bush groups don't appear to be swayed
by the new information.
See also the diatribe.
Yeah. And with the clock ticking ever closer
to the time where they start tearing up robes,
because that's how the government gets to you.
We're going to wrap up the headlines for the week.
Heath, Eli, thanks as always.
Jumanji.
And when we come back,
we'll tamp down some dirt with our happy feet.
Also I feel like the EPA thing was just smoke screen for Epstein.
Pretty sure that's what was happening.
Yeah, for sure.
Honestly, this seems like a ton of work.
Yeah, but it's free.
Hey guys, what you doing?
Keith is telling me how he gets his free air conditioning.
Free air conditioning?
How do you do that?
Okay, so I buy an air conditioner on the days when it's hot on Amazon.
Right.
And then the next morning, I just refund it at Kohl's.
Boom.
I'm sorry, you buy and return an air conditioner on all the days that it's hot?
Yeah, I know it's a lot of work, but like, what else am I going to do?
I'm a warm sleeper.
Well, why don't you just try the regulator sheets from MySheetsRock?
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Thanks Noah.
All right.
I'm, uh, I'm off to Coles.
But I thought you were going to try the regulator sheets.
Oh yeah, I am.
But I got to return last night's pajamas.
You return your pajamas?
Every night.
There are plenty of segments on this show that I kind of dread doing.
I obviously love my job, but when I know that I'm going to have to read a chapter of Ross Douthat or watch a short film by Ray Comfort, it kind of bums me out.
Regardless, there are other segments that I really look forward to, like How Bullshit
Is It or Bible Peace Theater where Heath and Eli do all the work.
But there's none I look forward to more than a segment we debuted only a couple of months ago when we call that segment.
Son of obituary.
Okay, to be fair, if we were reading Ross's book because he had died, I'd be way more
cheerful about it.
Fair, right?
Okay.
He's got the chronic Lyme disease.
So maybe that's a real thing.
Don't cure it.
And for today's dirt dance, we're going to gather on the grave of the recently deceased
icon of 80s televangelism, Jimmy Swaggart, who was always doomed when he didn't get to
be a playable character in a dance themed Street Fighter 2 knockoff.
He didn't get to be that.
Yeah.
Right.
Not in his lifetime.
So I have no choice but to sort of open with the bad news.
And that comes in the form of this guy's birthday, because I have to admit that
this guy got 90 fucking years of life in this story.
Imagine if we just trade 45 of those years for like 16 more minutes
of Robin Williams or Dr. Seuss or something.
Chris Farley, just Chris Farley for like five seconds to side tackle Rob Schneider off a
Trump rally stage.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah.
You're not funny.
And then he dies again.
That's fine.
There you go.
We'll give away 90 years of this guy's life and we get more.
Yeah, that would be cool too.
Yeah, and I would get 10 seconds.
Chris Farley.
All right.
So Jimmy was born on March 15th of 1935.
He was born in Faraday, Louisiana, a place where poverty was so endemic that most folks
probably didn't notice the Great Depression happening around them.
Hey, sales are way up on my house boxes.
This is actually great.
People are being weird about the economy around us.
Now his dad's name was Willie Leon Swaggart.
And if you're thinking to yourself, wow, that's the redneckiest possible name.
That's only because I haven't told you yet that his nickname was son.
So it is there's some confusion, I guess, about whether that's S O N or S U N, because
I feel like confusion about spelling was sort of the resting position for the Swaggart family.
Right.
That was neutral. But I'm going to call it Willie because a son is a stupid nickname and B I don't want
to talk about son's son. So Willie was a sharecropper and a fiddle player. So, you know, he was rolling
in dough. Wow. Attack both our wives. Why don't you know he was also a Pentecostal preacher
and it was through that profession that he met Jimmy's mom to be Minnie Bell Heron. And yes, the two were related
It was by marriage. Yes, but still first cousins like Giuliani. It's cool. Yeah, right
Yeah, so actually I think he was related by blood
So according to his saved by song a history of gospel and Christian, as cited in the Wikipedia article about Jimmy in the Swagger family, quote, cousins and in-laws and other
relatives married each other until the clan was entwined like a big tight ball of rubber
bands and quote.
I feel like the word of incestuous belongs in that sense and somewhere, but yeah, okay,
whatever.
Okay.
But good on whichever Wikipedia editor was like, I should point out that these genes are fucking recessive
It's really gonna make the rest of the story make sense. Right? Yeah, let's just say they did wrist control to establish
Recessiveness, that's how it worked over there. Also, I think they spelled clan wrong
So but Jimmy was born with all the typical number of fingers and everything in
So but Jimmy was born with all the typical number of fingers and everything in 1935
Jealous and he followed his dad into both preaching and music apparently the swagger clan had a heart for music
counted among Jimmy's cousins our country star Mickey Gillie who I never heard of and
Rockabilly legend Jerry Lee Lewis who I obviously have heard of and who is a child raping cousin fucker
Literally, I know we call people that sometimes on this show, but he actually did those things, everybody. Just so you know.
Okay, maybe we list the people in Louisiana who are not his cousin to make it.
Well, there you go. Yeah, right.
That is important.
But like his more famous and more talented cousin, Jimmy would also marry a teenager,
though this is mitigated in his instance by the fact that unlike Jerry Lee, he was a teenager, though this is mitigated in his instance by the fact that unlike Jerry Lee, he was a teenager himself at the time. At the ripe old age of 17, he would marry 15 year
old Francis Anderson. The two remained married for 72 years and something tells me it's not
because they loved each other so deeply or anything. If you don't know the rest of this
story, I assure you my reasoning will be clearer as we go.
Yeah, because right now you're just taking on teenage marriage and sharecroppers. And
I'm like, what did those send to do this?
So early in their marriage, the Swaggart's lived in a kind of poverty that's rare in
America these days, unless you're listening in archives, feel like that statement's got
a four year shelf life at best. But according to Swaggart, well, according to his autobiography,
they lived on $30 a week,
which would be equivalent to about $340 a week today. And this was before we had all the generous
social programs America is known for now, unless you're listening in archives. He and his wife,
and the one child, their seemingly loveless marriage produced, spent that time living in
church basements, friends homes and motels while Jimmy tried to earn his way as a pastor and a gospel singer.
I feel like if you're destitute as a preacher, you're getting a pretty firm sign from your
boss to pick a different line of work, right?
God keeps giving him tips.
Jimmy, I know a guy at Cutco Knives.
Now, also, according to a story that's almost certainly bullshit, at one point during this
period of terrible, terrible poverty, the music label that his cousin Jerry had signed
with reached out to him about being their first gospel artist, but he turned him down
because he felt a calling to preach the gospel.
And that's such a fucking insane story to make up because if it was true, it would mean
that he intentionally subjected his family to starvation level poverty because he wanted
to tell people about Jesus in a non musical way.
Gospel music is so goddamn preaching the gospel that they call it gospel fucking music.
Right there in the name. Yeah, they're in the name.
But whatever. Yeah, Jimmy, you could have been as famous as Jerry Lee Lewis if you'd
wanted to.
You just didn't want to.
Yeah, they originally offered me the Joe Rogan experience.
But I said, no, give it to the guy with the name that matches.
But yeah, but he preached his way through the 50s doing tent revivals
and shit like that throughout the South.
And to be clear, tent revival is what preachers do when they're not honest enough to stay
in one place, you know, where they could be held accountable over time.
It was and remains a notorious circuit for fraudsters.
And I'm comparing them to typical Baptist preachers when I make that accusation.
So like fraudsters to the second power.
Yeah, he's selling a prize that you only get after dying and he still had to leave town
because he like added too many other.
Right.
Yes.
Yeah.
Now, despite turning down a chance at a Jerry Lee Lewis like gospel career in the sixties,
Swagger would pursue a gospel career between the gospel music and the road bilking.
He was successful.
Yeah, right.
Right.
It's too late to get to country.
Now I'm singing it. God couldn't get me the cut. Yes. Yeah. So between the gospel music and the road building,
he was successful enough to purchase his own AM radio station. That was in 1971. And that would
quickly grow into a Christian broadcasting empire. By 1975, he would move to television
and what is generally considered the golden age of televangelism.
Oh, you mean the time when political conservatism needed a new weapon against the progress widespread
media was spreading.
What a coincidence.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Luckily we had a Jimmy Swagger to the left called just news.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Times.
Happy days.
So we also had good times and happy days.
We did, yes.
So in 1980, Swigert would start the vehicle that would make him a household name.
He started a daily telecast with Bible study and preaching and music on the weekdays and
a full blown hour long church service on Sunday.
By 1983, more than 250 television stations were carrying some combination of those broadcasts. Which is hard to do because there were only four channels back
Well, they were four networks, right? So these are different like local broadcast
So if you're thinking to yourself, why the fuck would 250 stations play that shit?
You have to understand that these broadcasts were generally reserved for the we were just gonna have a holding pattern there
Anyway hours between like 1 and 6am. I guess this is probably hard to imagine for
you youths. But back in the 1980s, television just ended. Right? Like if you didn't have
cable, there was just a point where all the networks were like anyway, and then they would
play the national anthem and they would sign off. So the cost of sticking one more broadcast
on the end of that was negligible.
The same can basically be said for Sunday morning broadcast time as well.
Yeah, the algorithm was a little simpler. It was just be anything that's not vertical color bars with a long beep.
Yeah, they barely cleared those color bars. They just cleared those color bars.
Sometimes a news guy would come on and say an overly romantic thing about the country before they put on the bar
Yeah, that was weird. It was weird. Oh fuck this country right now
For the rest of the night, yep sure what did Walter Cronkite say no
The people who are watching TV at 1 a.m
Or the people waking up early in the morning to watch Jesus shit on Sunday
morning TV have a lot of overlap with people who are insanely gullible.
So Jimmy Swaggart's God would really like it if you gave me more money.
Pitch worked pretty well.
OK, I paid off my college loans when I was about 40 years old.
I am still paying off Girls Gone Wild
and Biden never helped. Damn it. Never. No, he didn't. He tried. He tried. And Biden never helped.
Damn it. Never.
No, he didn't.
He tried. He tried.
Yeah, he did.
And by the mid 80s, his ministry was pulling in upwards of one hundred
and forty million dollars a year.
That's three hundred and forty dollars if you're listening in the archives.
Well done, sir.
So at this point, Jimmy finds himself quite influential. So what does he
do with that influence? Why evil, of course. And look, we're about to talk about the scandals
that he's mostly known for. But throughout the eighties, he invested a lot of his time
and effort in supporting a South African rebel group that did a lot of war crimes. This group
was called Renemo, and they were one of the belligerents in a 15 year civil war in Mozambique and they were created by the Rhodesian Central Intelligence
Organization. Yikes. Yeah. Talk about a group that you already know as evil the first time
you ever hear about it, right? They were created as an anti-communist counter to the ruling
party and they were known for raping and torturing and looting and the indiscriminate
use of landmines.
And Jimmy Swagger raised money for them and gave them publicity and offered spiritual
and material support way after all that shit was known about them.
And the fact that that isn't the scandal he's most reviled for says a lot about how callous,
racist and prudish
Americans really are.
Yeah, here's the thing though.
We didn't learn about the evil politics of colonizers in southern Africa until that big
documentary came out, Lethal Weapon 2, but that was in like 1991.
Yeah, no, we didn't know.
Oh, you're right.
That was after this.
Yeah.
So, okay.
So when he wasn't raising money for war criminals, Swagger spent his time keeping the local sex workers employed, which is fucking nothing.
Right. Like, I mean, it's not nothing if you're his wife, but hey, the dude was born into a culture
where they told him that making the lifelong decision to marry at the age of 17 was perfectly
acceptable and divorcing wasn't right. It's a fucked up space for anybody to be in. And for
all of the reasons I hate Jimmy Swagger
Cheating on his wife with sex workers is like number
147 but the American public at large strongly disagrees
Yeah, if anything we're mad he didn't share the sex workers Jimmy Swagger was probably terrible at stuff. You'd imagine
Okay, just to review Jimmy Swgart bought himself a giant media platform, spread propaganda,
did a bunch of evil shit in Southern Africa, and paid women to have sex with him.
I feel like his estate could sue Elon Musk for stealing his IP.
Right?
Yeah, exactly.
So, okay, so the story of his public downfall starts in 1986 when
Swaggart accuses a member of his parent church, Assemblies of God, of having several affairs.
Now, that guy, Marvin Gorman, gets defrocked and his ministry is reduced to nothing. He
sues Swaggart for defamation. He wins. He gets $10 million. That's reduced to 1.75 million
on appeal. And this guy inherits a very understandable lifelong grudge, especially since he happens
to know good and God damn well that swagger isn't exactly monogamous.
So Gorman gets his son and his son-in-law to steak swagger it out.
And it takes him about 15 minutes to get photos of him going in and out of a motel room with
a local sex worker.
All right, guys.
Good weekend.
Hey, hey guys.
You remember when I caught your dad committing adultery? That was so your whole family got
ruined. Oh, hey, Sally, the sex worker. Let's get a selfie guys. Will you actually? Yeah.
Now, at first, Gorman just tries to use the picture as leverage. He tells Swaggart that if
he goes out and he publicly apologizes for the accusations and he gets Gorman reinstated by assemblies of God, the pictures will just disappear.
Swaggart's like, yeah, I'll get right on that.
He does nothing.
A year later, Gorman goes public, but Swaggart, knowing that this is coming, tries to get
ahead of it with his iconic, I have sinned speech.
This is the famous speech where he summons an absolute fucking automatic car washes worth of tears while
he blabbers about how sorry he is for his grievous sin, which he never specifies.
I have a wet dream.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Never says what the fuck it is that he did.
Yeah.
And look, I know this was like a big moment in Christian culture, but as a Jew who was
raised in the nineties, this is such a bizarre
fucking video. This is like finding out that the time Mr. Belvedere sat on his balls is
the reason we celebrate Kwanzaa. I'm just, I'm willing. I'm taken aback by the footage.
Is that what happened to Mr. Belvedere? Mr. Belvedere sat on his balls. He did. Yeah.
Quite famously. Read a book. Love that show. So his supporters, though, forgive his lack of specificity in this speech
by saying that it was just material that was unfit to broach on television.
His detractors say that it was, you know, for plausible
deniability in a court case if one should arise.
Realists, though, recognize that he probably just didn't want to have to come out
and do a whole new apology weep for every fucking pass in that came to light in the media. And he needed sort of a blanket. Yeah, no, I was, I was talking
about that one too, think that he could point to in the future.
I'm so sorry for those offenses against the United States that I committed or may have
committed during the entire period from 1935 through today. Yeah. So sorry. Don't use the auto pen.
So Assemblies of God now turns around and suspends Swaggered.
And they eventually they turn that into a full Diffrocking when they realized that either
a he's not actually repentant or B he's such a poster child of the immoral televangelist
at this point that it would be devastating for their brand if he continued to be associated
with them.
Or maybe both could be both.
Yeah.
And then he was like, assemblies of God is in the Epstein file.
That's right.
They are.
But so, but that's the thing though.
Unlike Gorman, Swagger still had a megaphone, right?
He had this massive TV audience.
He owned the infrastructure around it.
So he just removed assemblies of God from the name of his shit and went non-denominational
and he continued the same scam.
Now, he did it to an admittedly diminished audience, but his core audience, the one that
was paying him, they were still there.
And that would last for another three years until his next sex worker scandal, which would
come about in 1991.
Yeah, I swear if this guy turns out to be the origins of Love Island and you guys didn't
tell me.
Now, I should note here that there's at least some evidence that the sex worker he was caught
with in 1988 was a setup.
Most of that evidence is bullshit.
The most cited evidence is literally a polygraph that was administered on behalf of the National
Enquirer.
Wow, that's like double definitely nothing.
That's bullshit on both.
Yeah.
Does it turn out to be true? Is it like a man?
Yeah, well, exactly.
Useful.
But there's also plenty of circumstantial evidence that Gorman's sons kind of hurried up the process of catching Swagger by paying a sex worker to entice him.
Kind of hard to make that argument the second time though, when he just happened to get pulled over by a police officer and had a sex worker in the car with him at the time.
Hey, I'm back.
I'm crying. I've been crying. I'm so sorry. 1935 through today. I met this one today.
I have and will continue to.
Yeah. So that sex worker, by the way, is named Rosemary Garcia. And she is, in my opinion,
the hero of this story. Because at first, Swagger tries to explain it away by saying that he was just giving her
a ride and when he realized that she was a sex worker, he was appalled.
That's probably why he was driving so fast that they pulled him over, right?
And she probably could have got a solid shut the fuck up payment for him by playing along.
But instead, Garcia contradicted his claims in the press by saying, quote, he asked me
for sex.
I mean, that's why he asked me for sex.
I mean, that's why he stopped me.
That's what I do.
I'm a prostitute.
And also, by the way, it looks like a Koopa Troopa. Check it out.
I'm not right after the shell pops.
Yeah.
Right.
So from here, the world braced itself for another set of waterworks.
But in this instance, Swagger deflected press inquiries with a divine nunya saying, quote, the Lord told me it's flat none of your business.
And quote, he temporarily stepped down as head of his ministry for like counseling and
prayer or fucking whatever.
But at this point, the people who were with him already knew he fucked sex workers and
they were clearly undeterred.
So it didn't actually slow him down that much much despite the fact that he was the literal poster child for insincere corrupt preacher. That being
his role in the universe, he would continue to make more money every year than you and I will
ever fucking see. So if you want a silver lining, all I can tell you is that dying hurts. And with
the fervent hope that terrible Christians die in threes,
we're gonna wrap up this installment of
Son of Obituary.
And John MacArthur just died.
Oh, awesome.
Four's then, four's.
I had one in mind.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Are we magic?
Before we lower the flag tonight, I wanna remind you one last time to get tickets to
see us in Cleveland, Ohio this weekend.
There are still general admission tickets available at GodawfulMoviesLive.com.
And look, I've already watched the movie that we're reviewing and it is spectacularly bad.
It's going to be a fun one.
So if there's any way you can be there, you should be there.
Anyway, that's all the blessed movie we've got for you tonight.
We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.
If you haven't made that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show's
hot friend God of War movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode
of our half Sister Show Citation D debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.
Obviously I can't shut the fuck up until I thank Heath Enright for being the glue that
holds us together, Lucent Illusions for being the tie that binds us and Eli Bosniak for
helping the pages stick together.
I also want to thank Jimmy Swagger for dying.
I want to thank Jeffrey for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, quite a challenge to do the tune justice and still come in under our time
limit for Farnsworth quotes. Well done.
But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most magnificent mortals,
Jean and Danny, Jeremy, Adam, Jennifer and Caleb.
Jean and Danny, who are bright enough to fuck up nearby astrophotography.
Jeremy and Adam, whose dicks are long enough to double his lasso's in an emergency.
And Jennifer and Caleb, who are so cool, their sunglasses have little sunglasses on.
Together, these six sexy secularist secured scathing scorn for the sacred this week
by giving us money. Not everybody has money.
And if you'd like those people to not be us, you can make a per episode
donation at Patreon.com, scathing atheist, whereby you'll have early access
to an extended ad free version of every episode.
Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAtheist.com slash scaling a this whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free version of every episode or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on
the right side of the homepage at scaling a this.com and if you'd like to help but come on money you
can also help a ton by leaving a five star review telling a friend about the show and following us
on social media and speaking of social media Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio
engineers Morgan Clark will also roll the music that was used in this episode which was used with
permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scalingadius.com.
I felt so bad, Eli, for making you catch up. I mean, obviously Heath had to be Mayo, right?
Like so there was like, that's insulting, but like making you catch up was like, I have
to be mustard though.
I'm spicier.
You're the mustard.
You are the mustard.
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