The Scathing Atheist - 649: Eckhart Throb Edition

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

In this week’s episode, Arkansas receives a stern talking to from…reality, the AG of Florida tells a drag show gestapo he's gonna get really mad, and we’ll watch a Mormon video that warns about the dangers of honesty. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Headlines: Pair of developments in public ten commandments displays: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/federal-judge-blocks-arkansas-law and https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/facing-lawsuit-illinois-county-removes Christian arranged marriage site is a thing now: https://www.wonkette.com/p/are-you-ready-to-find-true-love-on Mass circumcision ceremony leaves 39 boys dead and dozens more mutilated after botched procedures during tribal 'initiation' in South Africa: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14958121/Mass-circumcision-ceremony-South-Africa.html American Heartland Theme Park fell apart and just got sued for religion-based fraud: https://attractionsmagazine.com/american-heart-land-theme-park-lawsuit-2025/ Army to put crest back on West Point Bibles: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/bowing-to-religious-pressure-west Florida AG Subpoenas Venue For A List Of Guests Who Attended A Drag Show: https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/florida-ag-subpoenas-venue-for-a

Warning, this is the vulgar atheist podcast your mama was warning you about. Also, you have a weird mom. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by BetterHelp. And by Godawful Movies Live in New Orleans on Saturday, September 27th, the day after Eli's birthday, the day before Lucinda's birthday. Come and wish both of them well. Get your tickets at godoffelmovieslive.com. And now, the scathing atheist. I come from Mississippi, and I can tell you, my granddaddy weren't no monkey. But now I live in Sweden.

And I can say that we actually developed us from Ekliga O-Manager. Thursday. It's August 7th. And it's National Sea Serpent Day. All right. Teach the Controvers. I'm No Illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heathenwright. And from Donald Rumsfeld's, New Jersey, Annover, Michigan, and Wake Cross, Georgia. This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Arkansas receives a stern talking to from reality.

The AG of Florida tells drag show Gestapo. He's going to get really mad. And we'll watch a Mormon video that warns us about the dangers of honesty. But first, the diatribe. Okay, so I want to get weirdly personal to start this diatribe, because in my experience, there's this paradoxical thing where the more personal I get with these, the more universal they become. So I want to talk about my hair.

So when people first meet me who have never seen me. or like just familiar with me from listening to the show. My hair usually surprises them. Apparently, and I've been told this too many times to dismiss it entirely, I sound bald, but I'm not. Kind of the opposite. I got a long mop of hair hanging down below my shoulders, all sloppy and unkempt.

And what's more, I kind of always have. I started wearing my hair long as soon as I was old enough to tell my mom how I wanted it cut. And it was so important to my young identity that when I got in real trouble, when I did something really bad, my mom's and I mean it punishment was cutting my hair short. And but for those punishments, I've worn it the same way ever since. In fact, as soon as I was out of my parents' house, I just stopped getting it cut altogether.

Since my 18th birthday, I've had two haircuts. One was for a job after months of pressure from the boss. The other was a trim right before I went to the first atheist event that we did after we started this show. And both times, it felt like an unwelcome violation. It was somehow psychologically painful for me to part with my hair. Now, I honestly, I can't articulate a reason why this has always felt so important to me. I've got plenty of answers to the why do you wear your hair like that question that I've tried out over the years. And most of them are honest, at least.

I wanted to be a rock star. It seems my cowlick. Girls in school like to play with my hair. I like challenging gender norms. Not getting haircuts is cheaper than getting haircuts. These are all true, but none of them would explain why it was such an imperative for me. I mean, keep in mind that I haven't always been lucky enough to be a self-employed profanity distributor. I've passed up on jobs and been passed over for promotions based on my hair.

I've been harassed for it by homophobes. I'm constantly misgendered because of it. It causes people to take me less seriously. It's pretty much all disadvantage. Hell, it doesn't even look good. And yet, I see it as an intrinsic part of my persona. Even as I approach 50 and it starts to go all hoary, even in the sticky, sweltering South Georgia summers, even when I consider how much easier showering has to be for Heath,

I've never considered cutting it short. And yet, my desire to wear my hair long and the level of identity I imbue with that will never carry the same legal weight as a guy who converted to Jainism yesterday. My beliefs, no matter how sincerely held, can never rise to the level of even an ephemeral religious conviction. I am in the eyes of the government incapable of holding any belief as sincerely as a theist.

And the crux of the problem is my failure to lie about it, right? Because I could. I could just say an angel appeared to me in a dream when I was 10 years old and told me that cutting my hair would make the baby Jesus cry. I could say that I had a revelation while I was deep in meditation about how not cutting my hair

was a symbolic renunciation of worldly concerns. I could say that my might was stored in my hair and my ability to push down Philistine temples depended on its unadulterated length. But as long as I'm honest about it, mine will always be second-class beliefs. And how can you be anything but a second-class citizen if yours are second-class beliefs?

How can we ever achieve a state of equality when there is a category of exemption that applies to everybody but us? I mean, given the historical record that I could bring to this shit, right, I feel like I could go toe-to-to-to-to, with the most devoted Sikh about how important this shit is to me. But if me and that seek both got fired from the same job at the same time by the same guy for the same reason, only he would have legal recourse.

Think about how bad your position has to be before you're jealous of religious minorities in America. And look, I'm not trying to play oppression Olympics here. I'm not saying atheists have it worse than this religious minority or that one. I'm not trying to rank the oppressions. What I'm trying to do is highlight the fact that the oppression that atheists, face in this country is a real thing and our outrage about it is justified. Our judicial

system tells atheists that we are incapable of achieving the level of sincerity of our fellow citizens because we insist that our beliefs be rooted in truth. Any government that systematically favors one demographic of its citizenry over another is corrupt

and any government that systematically favors lies over the truth is doomed. They're talking about your Jesus. May interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the fried and mash to my baked Heath Endwright and Eli Bostic fellas. Are you ready to burn our way through some headlines?

Tots, tots, tots, tots. And my secret is that I'm mostly butter. So yeah, let's do this thing. And my secret is that I'm baked. So while I take a minute to sober up, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, BetterHelp. This is an ad by. better help.

Okay, what about Holy Healing Therapy? I mean, it's right there in the title, right? Hey, guys. What's you doing? Oh, hey, Noah. We're just trying to find a therapist for Heath, but everyone around this area is a little out there. Out there, yeah.

Past life regression and therapy. Do you think I could do just one? I feel like the past lives is probably going to come up for them, right? Guys, guys, if you're looking for the therapist that meets your needs, why don't you try better help? What's? Better Help. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform,

having served over 5 million people globally. So I could find a therapist who's concerned with just like this life right now, this one? Exactly. And it's convenient too. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, switch therapists at any time. All right.

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slash scathing. All right, Noah, thanks. Ooh, this lady is also a pet psychic. I think I'm going to stick with BetterHelp. Man. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, I have a small victory that I want to highlight because those are the only kind of

victories that we have these days. So, as I'm sure many of you are aware, whole fuck ton of kids are going to be going back to school this month in the U.S. and seeing Ten Commandments, posters and signs that say, in God, we trust, slathered all over the fucking walls by order of their state governments. Well, at least a few districts in Arkansas are going to be spared that fate thanks to a decision from U.S. District Court Judge Timothy L. Brooks, which is so delicious that I want to read it in a bubble bath.

Oh, it's finally happening. Eli, you run the bath? I'm going to get way too many candles. Let's do it. Lavender or Jasmine. I told you we needed another planning meeting. Lavender. I don't, we're not having this. fight again. So this ruling was about Act 5. Wait, Lila. I was going to say, if we were committed to this bit, the rest of headlines were just like, you know, powering through with our apious podcast while Noah and I roll around and scream sent names in the background. All right, but thankfully you're not. So this ruling was about Act 573, an Arkansas law that was passed this year that required Ten Commandment posters to be displayed in every public school classroom.

And as ever, this was justified with a winking appeal to the historical importance of them. The Ten Commandments are so foundational to the history of our country and its laws that kids simply must be bombarded with them in math class. But Brooks wasn't buying that because it's a transparent lie that they basically admitted to repeatedly throughout the process of passing the fucking law. As he pointed out in his decision, the same legislature never felt the need of require that the Constitution or Declaration of Independence be displayed in every fucking classroom. And I think we can all agree that those are foundational to the

history of this country. Well, I think the Sixth Amendment is implied from don't covet thy neighbor's ass. Well, right. That's where it comes from, obviously. Yeah. So now, this decision was preliminary. But it goes into effect immediately. It blocks the posters from being put up before the school year begins. It is, however, limited to only four districts in Arkansas because those were the only districts that had plaintiffs in the case. Those do, however, include the state's three largest school districts, and there's every reason to believe that Brooks will ultimately strike down the laws unconstitutional, since he mentions repeatedly in his preliminary decision that it is plainly unconstitutional. Sorry, he said, what? I'm getting my Falcons.

Zephyr, Talon, Serafino, we're rolling out, let's go. Big balls, I'll be home late. Try not to lose a flight to a 15-year-old. And you may be thinking to yourself, sure, Noah, that's great, but it can only last until the Supreme Pontific Court gets a hold of it and makes it against the law to not have Ten Commandment monuments in every classroom and outside of every fucking building. And I get it, right? That's not outside the realm of possibility, especially if somebody paid them to do it. Yeah. His name is Harlan Crow, by the way.

And he has a garden of fascism full of statues of fascists. Yep, sure does. But there are two counterpoints there. The first is the fact that many state constitutions have more robust protections for church-state separation than the federal government. The second is that very often the threat of a lawsuit is enough to make change, which takes us to our second story out of Illinois, where the Jefferson County Courthouse has chosen to voluntarily remove a giant, incredibly gaudy Ten Commandment monument rather than try to defend it in court. Okay. I mean, ship it to Harlan. It'll look great next to Nikolai Chowcchescu probably in that gardens.

I never played as him in Expedition 33, by the way. I just, neither did I. So this monument, which is in addition to being... The L.C.'s weird. Unconstitutional. Also, fugly. It's just the curning on it is weird. The alignment is weird.

It looks like, you know those statues of angels that, like, your grandma collects three years before she dies? It looks like this was their big project for the year. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So now it went up last year, thanks to this overzealous sheriff who thought that the Bremerton decision meant that there were no laws for Christians anymore, which it kind of does. But that case A had fuck all to do with religious displays and B, only granted bonus rights to Christians if they'd been doing their bigoted thing for a long time. New bigotry wasn't covered. Regardless of what the Supreme Court might eventually do about it, current case law and this comes from a 2005 decision about a Kentucky court that plainly says, that a standalone Ten Commandments monument is illegal. Now, ultimately, the hero in this case turns out to be some insurance guy who was like, no fucking way we're covering you

if you try to defend this shit in court. So ultimately, the sheriff behind the whole thing backed away because he couldn't afford to defend it, not because they realized the error of their ways. Cool. Yeah, but a win is a win, and we'll take what we can get at this point. I was going to say, yeah. And in free-arranged parenting news,

there's a matchmaking site for Christian parents to arrange the marriage of their kids. Oh my God. That's right. We've got a god-awful website's mini for you. The site is called Covenantmatches.com. And it's founded by Pastor Joel Webbin of the Covenant Bible Church in Texas.

He's also the president and founder of Right Response Ministries, a hate group according to the SPLC. Probably, just guessing, didn't check on that. I feel pretty confident. Their mission is to address the very important issue of poverty. Theological poverty, to be clear. Oh, imaginary. So, yeah, he started an online brokerage firm to facilitate buyers and sellers,

aka Christian parents, in making that transaction of property called arranged marriage. And thereby rid the world of theological poverty. Here's the description. Quote, a parent-guided matchmaking service for Christians who take marriage seriously, because love should be more than a swipe. Okay, but this is less than a swipe, though. They don't even get to swipe. Sh, Noah, quiet.

He's telling me the first steps on how to set up my son's harem. Okay. So you're probably wondering about the economic data on theological poverty. I couldn't find anything from the OECD. D, but luckily they have some good stuff at covenantmatches.com. Oh, good. According to the About Us section, quote, over the last 50 years, marriage rates have plummeted,

especially among young adults. I mean, that is where they would plummet from, yes. In 1970, nearly 80% of 25-year-olds were married. Today, that number is below 30%. Delayed marriage and the prioritization of individual over family have replaced covenantal unions, leading to loneliness and fatherlessness. This collapse demands a return to biblical courtship, where parents guide marriages, Genesis 24, chastity is honored.

No notes. First Thessalonians, four, three to five, and God's design for one man and one woman. Matthew 19, four to six, is upheld, end quote. Sorry to tell you, son, we arranged for you to be straight. And to have a ponytail fetish. It's definitely a biblical problem and not a women can have their own credit cards now problem. Yeah. So here's an example of someone you might find.

The profile says, Mary, a gentle, spirited daughter devoted to her church, family, and prayer. Mary is prepared for courtship with a man led by God. she has an excellent career but is ready to make adjustments for a family oh my god you can mooch offer or forbid her from having a bank account dealer's choice wow you tell us yeah all right well you might be skeptical don't believe me though best in class bamboo rayon motherfuckers just listen to these happy customers this is from sarah and daniel whittaker apparently they both wrote it like a couple's answering machine testimony of a must have, yeah.

Quote, covenant matches didn't just help us find each other. It helped us find a God-honoring path to marriage. From the beginning, our families were prayerfully involved, and we were encouraged to pursue purity, wisdom, and intentionality. Intentionality? No, no randomly derived movements or utterances for us. No spasmodic shit. have entropy in our arrangements.

Continuing, we never felt like we were just dating. We were preparing for covenant in a world that devalues marriage. Covenant matches reminded us of its eternal worth, end quote. They also had a recommendation from Rachel Evans, the parent of a bride. Except, no, they didn't. The top of that section says, testimonials, made up for now, We're new. What?

No, you just don't have. I'm sure one of these marriages is going to work out eventually. We've had a bad run. You guys know what testimonials are. We'll give examples just to make it clear what that would be if we ever get any. It also says, quote, all matches must be biblically aligned, rejecting any unequally yoked partnership. Second Corinthians, 614. and I'm going to put a sick there because that's yoked with an L, like eggs.

Continuing, by the way, very next sentence after that, we stand on the inerrant Word of God, 2nd Timothy 3, 16, 17, end quote. I would like to stand on something a little more solid if we could. Yeah. I love that they have inerrant, but everything is yoke drug. And most importantly, Pastor Joel Webbin, the Texas Arranger. Fantastic. Looks like the platonic sex criminal.

Like, AI made a composite sketch of every sex criminal. This is what they got. I found a headshot that he clearly chose. He chose this headshot. Yeah. And it looks like he just got a makeover to look nice for doing his Megan's Law door knocking. Like, exactly. He looks like he got a disqualification.

discount at Hair Club for men because his head comes to a point. Yeah, right, right. There's just so little of it. So I'm sorry, I just want to apologize for not laughing at Texas Arranger when it happened. Like, by the time I got it, it was so late that I would have been weird, would have been awkward for me to get some of the good shit in there. That's good shit. It's subtle.

So all of that that I just mentioned can be yours absolutely free. They're waiving the membership for everyone until they have 500. members and maybe get a real testimonial or two. And after that, it is Ladies' Night for six months. Women, read the owners of women, parents, get six months free. For everyone else, it's only $25 a month. And that's with, quote, the freedom to cancel anytime, no long-term commitments, just a community dedicated to glorifying God through marriage.

end quote, covenantmatches.com. You laugh, Heath, but there was a time on this podcast when we would have signed you up. Okay. Okay, there's a testimonial from Anne on it, I'm seeing. See? And in circumcision decision news, you'd be amazed at the statements that some people find controversial. Like, freedom of religion means freedom from religion. Not being able to deny other people's rights is not, in fact, religious oppression.

and men who are the little spoon to their wives shouldn't be allowed to vote. Common sense policies we should all be able to get behind. Or in front of, you fucking bigot. Thank you, yes. I am a power small spoon, by the way. It's manly. I vote Heath off the podcast.

It's not manly, but I like it. We vote you off the pot. No, I vote you. I vote both of you. I use my secret extra. I think it is manly, actually. It can be. It's awesome. Small spoon's great. Anyways, all that is.

aside. This week, we got a reminder that don't mutilate your penis is one of those statements as 39 boys died and dozens more were mutilated after botched circumcisions during tribal initiations in South Africa. You need to soak the line for your weed whacker overnight, guys, makes all the difference. Also, if you're harvesting the skin of little boys, I mean, lots of questions, but why go straight for the penis when you're doing that? But that is a good question. It is a good one. place to start. Right. So first off, big thanks to Rob for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com. Rob, for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com. You've passed our tribal initiation into an elite society known as people who do our job for us

and we like you better. Your robe and swingy smoke thing are in the mail. Skating news at gmail.com. The package is not addressed to you, but it is, there is one in the mail. It is in the mail. That's right. So let me get out ahead of the apologetics at the start here, right? is that there is some, not a ton, but some evidence that circumcision, when performed by a well-trained medical professional perfectly does nothing to your penis. Now, I'm not sure why people feel the need to point that out, right? Because most finger mustache tattoos do nothing to your finger. That doesn't mean they're not stupid and unnecessary. But more importantly, lots of circumcisions are not performed by medical professionals.

They're not performed perfectly, which makes the nothing they provide as a benefit kind of not worth it. Right. So like if your argument is people in places without clean water can't clean their dicks good enough, I feel like our efforts are better spent getting them clean water, right?

Sure, yeah. And if the water is dirty, like, I don't know, holy water that's lousy with cholera and VCs as an example, maybe open penis wounds or something to avoid. There you go. A good idea. Right.

So regardless of how you feel about perfectly executed aesthetic dick chops, the story is not about that. It's about the ceremony known as Ulwaku that is typically carried out by the Zosha people in South Africa.

It marks the transition from boyhood to manhood, but it also marks the transition from alive to fucking dead way more often than it should. Last year, 93 participants died. And according to the Daily Mail, 361 boys have died in the last five years because the ceremony is conducted using,

get ready for this quote, old spears and razor blades by unskilled traditional surgeons, end quote. So the weed wacker, so that would be an upgrade. A weed wacker would be better. Jesus. More modern. Yeah. Probably newer than an old spear, at least.

Get a new spear. I want you to have a new spear for this. And if you're wondering, no, this is not a ceremony that most of these young men are in a position to pass on. Without undergoing the ceremony, they are not allowed to sit in on tribal meetings, take part in some social activities, or even get married. What we're saying is that South African Heath is loving having an intact piece in this all by himself and his house with plenty of room for activities. That's true. Activities are fun. But it looks like a baby sandworm.

Sure, most of the time. Yeah, sure. It's sculpting. It's subtractive art when it's done. That's what it is. It's art on a baby's penis. Cool, chill art on a baby's penis. Exactly.

I feel like you're saying it in a jokey time. I'm saying it in a weird way. You're saying it from your heart tooth. I'm just still picturing giving a baby a finger mustache tattoo, right? Yeah. Honestly, if I could trade, if I could trade my mom giving me shit about the fact that Max doesn't have a finger mustache tattoo, I'd take it. Now, it's worth pointing out

that the government is doing their best to push back on this problem, kind of. The Customary Initiation Act has been introduced to make it illegal for unregistered

initiation schools to be set up and all traditional surgeons must now be qualified, which is obviously an improvement. But qualified penis mutilation is still bad and not enough people are taking the just stop slicing up

your dick angle for my liking. The government has publicly has publicly set a goal of zero deaths for next year, the same goal that they had this year. And in their defense, they did manage to cut the deaths by half, but it's worth remembering that without religious stupidity, we would already be there. Yeah, already to zero.

Plus, when we're talking about circumcision, cutting by half shouldn't really be rewarded. Exactly. Yes, thank you. And speaking of, nope, nope, there is no way to directly transition from generally, I'm wondering what you're going to do. Yeah, no, I'm not, so here's, it's time for another ad. Little spoon motherfuckers.

Bonjour, podcast, Liz now. It is I, Paul Proudon. Eli, what are you doing? And why are you wearing a chef's costume? I am not Eli. I am famous casual chef, Paul Brudon, and I am here to tell our casual listenership about our love show in New Orleans on September 27. Even, there will be fish fry, crab boil, a plain thing.

No, no, Eli, it's... Paul, Paul, there isn't going to be a crab boil at the show, but there will be jokes and, you know, show stuff. Right. Plus, platinum night tickets are still available so people can spend a night of food, fun, and games with us for a VIP experience. Beyonce! Not using that, right. Bibliotech.

Again. Where can I get these tickets? Got off on Movieslive.com or check the show notes. God Awful Movies Live.com? Yeah, once again in case anyone couldn't understand that, Godawful MoviesLive.com. Adam, I see you in September, New Orleans. For the Revolution.

Not even a Cajun accent. No, it is not. And we're back. Next to the headlines in Epcot Fail News. We have another failure of Christian idiots trying to make a theme park. this one is already failing before it's even open, making it less successful than Ken Ham's Ark Park in Kentucky. That's the boat on a trailer park that proves intelligent design or something.

So yeah, not a good sign when you're losing to that. And the loser I'm talking about is the American Heartland theme park with its grand opening planned for the fall of 2026 in Venita, Oklahoma on Route 66. but that might get delayed or canceled entirely after a lawsuit by a big investor alleging a whole bunch of religion-based fraud. Which is kind of like saying fraud-based fraud, but not exactly.

Yeah. Of a theme park, right? Fraud-based fraud in an industry wildly known for fraud. Yes. We need a fireman, draw me a maid. Spin a top. And a big thanks to Jeff from Disney for sending the link to Skating News

at gmail.com. If Eli goes back to Disneyworld and I will. Jeff is allowed to do one very aggressive side tackle of Eli while wearing the costume of a beloved cartoon character. I don't think Jeff does mascot stuff

at the job but I'm sure he can borrow a suit for doing a really good bit. Eli though is allowed to pick which character. You know where they keep the suits, Jeff and you know who holds the keys. You do. I mean Jeff, look, if you're You're going to tackle me dressed as Madam Leota. I'm going to pay extra. You know what I'm saying?

I've win-win. That's a dream. So the park was announced in 2023, and despite receiving a whole bunch of money from investors, the only construction so far is a gravel road and a fence. Well, I do think you mean the roller coaster for acrophobics and the two-dimensional climbing tower heat in, right? It's like you're talking about Trump's wall. And a bunch of lines. And a bunch of lines. happened along the way and the lawsuit was filed last week by primary investor jean bicknell the charges include racketeering conspiracy civil conspiracy fraud deceit constructive fraud unjust enrichment and intentional infliction of emotional distress that last one is the best part because the emotional distress is apparently disappointment with god and that's distressing

Bicknell claims he got tricked into investing in the park by deceitful tactics that preyed on his religiosity. For example, Bicknell got approximately 100 texts and emails from a person named Sister Catherine asking for money. Turns out that's a fake nun made up to the defendants. Okay, but if you can sue people for sending you text from fake ladies, I might be able to retire. And Bicknell got hundreds more similar messages from a source pretending to be the god of the universe.

Oh my God, that's amazing. Of course, you have to take that very seriously. And Gene got tricked into investing 60 million Christian dollars. Oh, my God. Why do we do this job? Okay, more importantly, does suggesting to Noah and Heath that we buy America on the bounce on our company Slack Thread expose me me. because I mean, I do need to know. So I guess that's fraud because it's lying about magic stuff

instead of telling the truth about magic stuff. But even if you take away the fake emails, this is the dumbest project ever. Again, it's called the American Heartland Theme Park. And apparently that's the whole theme right there, just America. That's the theme. The plan is to have the park feature. six lands that represent America, I guess. Liberty Village, Great Plains, Bay, Big Timber Falls, Stony Point Harbor, and Electropolis.

There's also a plan for something called Three Pony's RV Park. But don't answer yet. They also might have a Charlotte's Web thing if the budget allows. It's described as a barnyard. by which we mean it's a barn with spiders way more than one by the way not just one and some pigs so right yeah well plaintiff jean heard about all that amazing stuff and he invested 60 million dollars and now he has emotional distress so i'm rooting for nobody yep everybody loses i'm rooting for them to open this fucking theme park

and then we're all taking a company vacation together and we're bringing Seth Andrews and he's going to buy us funnel cakes. I love funnel cake. They didn't mention having me. Right? I love Seth Andrews. We'll bring our own funnel cakes.

Win, win, win, win. And in Crest Risen News, it's really hard to properly apportion your fears of theocracy these days, which is kind of what we're here for, I guess, but sometimes doing so forces us to talk about stories that certainly aren't the biggest news items of the day but kind of encapsulate the terrifying stuff

that doesn't always fit into a single headline format like we do here, which is why we're going to talk about the relatively minor decision by West Point to put their official seal back on the Bibles issued at the nation's military academy. Because the Trump administration wants the military to be more openly Christian. You see how that works? Little decision, terrifying implication. Okay, my first reaction is like, who is this for? Who thought the U.S. military wasn't Christian enough?

But then I immediately remembered that insane questions don't really work anymore. There's always a fucking answer. It's Pete Heggseth and Russell Vaught and a bunch of other Christian theocrats. That's the answer. Like Pete showed up at West Point and he saw, I don't know, hummus in a mess hall. And he was like, guys, guys, way too Muslim gross. Exactly. Right.

So yeah, so I should say up front that all they're doing is going back to the way shit was done before Biden got a hold of it, which is an obsession of Trump's regardless of theocratic implications. But apparently they just, they always had these official school Bibles that had the crest of the academy and blazoned across the front of them. But at some point last year, they were redesigned to remove that official logo because presumably, somebody realized that having a Bible that looked like it was officially endorsed by the U.S. military looked really bad when they wanted to kill Muslim countries for non-religious reasons. And there's a right way and a wrong way to plunder oil. Let's not be gauche about it. Right. Cool. Exactly. Leave God out of our

imperialism, thank you very much. So predictably, Christians freaked out. How dare they not imply that Christianity as the military's officially endorsed religion? So a right-wing legal group filed a FOIA request about it. They never got a response, so they suit. But of course, the Trump administration saw this suit as yet another opportunity to promote the mythical narrative that Biden was anti-Christian. So they released this self-indulgent bullshit statement about how this is another example of Biden pushing woke politics onto the army and how they're proud to suck Jesus' balls

in public or fucking whatever. Guys, Biden doesn't even remember you exist. Drop the feud. Biden helped you win so hard. Thank you. You should like this guy now. And I want to point out that even the revised versions of

the Bible still had United States Military Academy, West Point, New York printed on them. Right. Like it was more of a property of kind of thing so people didn't steal their shit, I guess, but it's not like they were like taking the name of the school off of them even. All they did was remove the crest, which had a very official seal of approval look to it, and even that was enough to earn the ire of Christian snowflakes. And finally tonight, in Florida's a drag news. One of the most dangerous things about the

trumping of American politics is the normalization of extremism. Bat shit examples of obvious fascism that would have been career-ending gaffs a year ago are the campaign promises of politicians today. And we got another great example of that this week as Florida's Attorney General subpoenaed a gay bar for a list of guests who attended a drag show. Jesus, great. Okay, so hey, Florida Gaybar, if you want some pun names that they won't realize or bullshit until they read them out loud, let me know.

That's one of my specialties. Yeah. Or just send him a giant list that says Spartacus on every line. Yes, exactly. I've been to a lot of drag shows. I've never, like, given my name at the door. No, you have not. I've said Spartacus.

Exactly. Right. So first up, a big thanks to Aaron in the morning for bringing this to our attention. If you aren't following Aaron, she's doing amazing skeptical work against theocratic trans panic, gripping our nation. And you can follow her stuff and support her at Aaron in the Morning.com. That's E-R-I-N-E-R-N-A-N, not like the dolphin foyer. Exactly.

So, in case you missed it, Florida, in spite of deceptively containing the happiest place on Earth, is a southern state filled with southern people who are, on average, worse in every possible way than their northern counterparts. I know. I know. But don't be mad at me. That's just math and science. Now, as long as the North contains Indiana, I cannot play along with this. Yeah, and like most of upstate New York.

most of Michigan, most of Ohio, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, the Dakota. I didn't say we were perfect. The eastern half of Oregon. Hey, I just named one voting district. That's the new one voting. There you go. You all get two senators, everything I just said to combine. Sherry mandered.

Yeah. And their explicit target the last couple of years has been gay and trans people, with their latest target being the kilted mermaid, a gay-friendly bar. in the town of Vero Beach. That's because the Kilted Mermaid is owned by the town's vice mayor, who has made it abundantly clear where the state government can stick their new laws, a location like her establishment, that is very gay friendly. Yeah, right.

So if you thought this was just run-of-the-mill anti-LGB fascism, no, it's worse. It's also the intimidation of an opposition leader. Yeah, it is. So tell that Florida AG, he can pick up the guest list during the next. big drag show. And then film everything that happens, please. Pretty please. Or don't?

Just a big game of keepaway is the entire drag show. Yeah, yeah. So what's the excuse? Well, as I said at the top, it is a drag show. The Kilted Mermaid routinely host drag events, some of which are family friendly and others which are restricted to adult audiences. And when the attorney general heard that kids were being allowed to see a drag performance, he issued a press release saying that he had, quote,

opened an investigation into this sexualized performance to determine the extent of the content and exposure to children, end quote. Wait till they hear about churches. Yeah, and wait till they hear about the testimony that Gleine Maxwell is about to remember differently for no reason. It's such a not dangerous personer.

Right, so as I said at the top, that subpoena requests a list of performers and guests that night as well as the surveillance footage from the venue. Jesus. None of which have been granted, because if anyone shouldn't have a list of people at a gay bar, it's insane people who think their existence is a threat to children. And to be clear, nobody has been charged with a crime here.

According to Rinalda Adaghi of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, quote, his office is now fishing for personal data about everyone who attended or performed at the event. This should set off every civil liberties alarm bell we have, end quote. Okay, I get what you're saying. man, but if you've got civil liberties alarm bells in Florida that weren't already ringing, they're broken.

Yeah, exactly. They ran out of battery. So, like most Florida homophobia, like 222s don't say gay bill, charging that trans girl for using the bathroom, threatening a wedding for using rainbow lights. This will hopefully go nowhere,

but not for lack of trying. And just a quick reminder before we celebrate too hard, the harassment is part of the point. Right. Right. All right. Well, it looks like we need to see Bugs Bunny up out of sauce, so we're going to wrap the headlines up there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, we're going to learn about the dangers of fucking again.

One of the few impressive aspects of Christian filmmaking is their ability to fit feature length bullshit into a 10-minute video, which we're going to be exploring again in this installment of God-awful minis. So tell us, Heath, what would we be breaking down today? We watched Aaron and Eckert being a beautiful man. I don't know, something Mormon happened or whatever. It's called Godly sorrow leads to repentance. I wasn't really paying attention to the plot.

Get it, get it. And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you love the misogynistic, unprofessional and life-endangering process of temple approval, but you wish it contained a bit more, this hurts me more than it hurts you and your reputation and your whole family you will love

this movie. Yeah, did not love a damn second of it. Well, okay, so the Aaron Iker parts. But yeah, anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best, up being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best, best, worst also singing narrator who doesn't give a fuck

about what's happening. It seems like this narrator was told like, I don't know, sing the plot. And then they were just like, all right, I'm going to add lib this whole thing. I'm just going to sing along with what I think is happening. And we get a few jarring, jarring segues to this singer. It's funny.

And so I'm going to go with best worst, yada, yada, yada, lady words, lady words. Yes. Over and over again in this movie, which is about, like this video, which is about this woman, right, who wants the temple recommend for her wedding. Like over and over again,

when it comes time for her to talk, the video literally just cuts out and moves forward to when she, done with all her lady bullshit. Yeah, you know, she talks about lady stuff, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I am going to go with best, worst defense of a terrible practice. Okay, so for those of you

who aren't ex-Mormons, lucky you, by the way, this whole video is about something called Temple Approval, which was and still is a huge deal. Now, we've talked on all of our shows about the problem of, like, bishopdom in Mormonism, right? Which is that there are

like these randomly appointed baseball coaches just serving as... Unpaid, yeah, right. Unlike the real experts in other parts of Christianity. Yes, exactly. Nowhere near the expertise you'd hope for from a Catholic priest, right? And they're serving as sort of these confessional things, but then they turn around and punish people for those confessional situations, which is what this movie will be about. It is a huge life-destroying problem that the church has been aware of for years, and this

video is basically but come on. Sometimes it works out. Well, right. Yeah, it's just a demonstration of how terrible and awful it is from people who just don't realize how terrible and awful it is. It's fucked up, yeah. It's like, you think about all the friends you have when

your husband's polygamist, the movie. All right. So the video starts off with Kim, our main character, talking to her bishop about her upcoming nuptials and we're going to get that as a VO as we get shots of her, like, joyously preparing for her wedding. Yeah. To professional actor, Aaron Eckhart.

I know you thought maybe Heath was just randomly fantasizing about Aaron Hockart, but no, we get baby Aaron Hickart in this movie. Yeah. But no, he's actually, he's actually, this is a big break. The V-O was confusing to me from the start. So it's just some guy talking to Kim who's about to get married. And I was like, who is just a random narrator being creepy to Kim? We're going to find out it's that creepy elder who is.

approves the thing that Eli was talking about. But it's a weird moment. Yeah, right. So, yeah. So she starts talking about her marriage. We all Google, is that really Aaron Eckhart in this fucking Christian, this Mormon video? And yes, it is. And he's Mormon.

He did a mission and everything. Yeah. Yeah. I googled that and I found an interview where they were like, are you a Mormon still? And he was like, ah, I don't know, I was raised. Like all active Mormons. Ah! Yeah.

At a certain point, that's going to be over the fucking temple. It's just, eh, my mom. Yeah, so, right. So, but then we eventually, we back out of the montage into sort of the framing of this, which is that she's getting interviewed to see if she's worthy of a temple marriage. Now, keep in mind that temple marriage really started off was like, you know, officially raping children's ceremonies or whatever. I don't know that there's a whole lot of gravitas to this issue, but it means a ton to Mormons, obviously.

Yes. and a reminder that the number one reason for refusal for temple marriage is that you are found not to be tithing enough. Oh, is it? Yeah, temple marriage is a fucking shakedown. Yeah, exactly, right. So he goes, this is the first time we get my best, worse, right? He goes, well, what are you looking forward to most?

And she goes, well, finally being able to, and then it just cuts out. What, what, what, what, what, what, what. It's so creepy. It's like an interview for the job of wife. with the church, not like a husband potential or something, just talking to some dude. No, just some other dude, yeah.

I want her to be like, I'm looking forward to, I'm too much of a perfectionist at Mormon stuff. I work too hard. Well, and of course, I hadn't realized yet that they were just cutting out all of this lady stuff because who cares what the lady says. So when they did this, it's just like finally being able to and they caught, I'm just like, what did she

fucking said? Did she just say, did she just say stick his fat cock in my ass what happened here right gee i really peg him i'm excited to peg i don't know like a hundred thousand windows in new york whatever so let me have the thing so and then then he goes like he goes is there anything in your life that hasn't been resolved with the proper priesthood authority okay and then she responds with this like undisguised look of terrible guilt and shame all right just to be clear translation of that ridiculous question we did Apo research on you, and we found that you wore pants one evening last year. Yeah, right.

Right. And so she, like, admits that, well, Matt, that's Aaron Eckhart's character. While he was on his mission, she spent time with another boy. And the priest says, go on, as though he's touching it through his pants. We see, he's like, go on. He adjusts a half erection and is like, say more directly what you. Right. And again, based on the history, he probably is. Right. Well, yeah. Well, right. And so, and then there's this kind of a hilarious moment where he's trying to get specifics and she's just trying to use euphemisms.

So she just keeps using different euphemisms. And he's like, no, you have to, you have to say what he, where he put his. Did he put his B in your V? Like, yeah, you have to like you have to tell me that me, an unqualified stranger. It's like a halfie at best. You're killing me, ladies. Yeah. Oh, no. Eventually, she stopped. She euphemism so hard that they cut her off again. And they're like, well, she's not going to give us the good stuff. Then we're going to yada, yada, yada her again. Right. Well, yeah.

And I wrote my notes, naive me. I wrote, well, we fade out during her answer so that the kiddos don't have to hear any of the sort of details. But no, it's because we don't give a shit about words that come from lady mouths. Yeah. But when we fade back in from that, the priest informs her that that is very serious what he just told her off camera. It's very serious. And then she's like, it's not, though. It's not.

Right. Let me have the fucking wedding. Yeah. We pay you so much money. Aaron Eckert, he's tithing. Have you seen this guy? So, yeah, but she isn't sufficiently repentant to get a temple recommend. Right?

So, yeah. So we just kind of, we yada, yada, yada our way through that a little more of like him clarifying why she can't be married in the temple. Yeah. He says you got to resolve this problem before we let you be in the temple for a wedding. the problem being that she had a boyfriend once before this missionary. What would that mean resolve the problem?

Like, unheedge that kid from like her previous? I think you have to take him out. Right, right? She's got to like, yeah. You got to take him out and then you got to do that baptism for the dead thing so that his sin doesn't exist anymore maybe. She's got to do a backhand over the pants to cancel it out. Right.

But so, okay, so, but of course, like for people like us who aren't familiar, you know, who didn't grow up and all of this shit. We're just like looking this disgusting practice in the face. Like, for me, for the first time, right? Where this woman is like, and she's not like a bad actor. So she's like playing the part of this person who's just devastated because this guy is just telling her like, hey, you know, this not being married in the temple is a whole big fucking deal. And everybody will want to know why you're not getting married in the temple. So you have to go out and tell the entire goddamn community that you gave this guy a heech.

Yeah. Right? or just I did something so terrible that they aren't giving me a temple recommend. Right, right. It's so unspeakably fucking cruel. And of course, the message it sends is, wow, she really should have lied

to that random stranger who asked about her sex life. A hundred. Okay, so this gets to the core of what I think this movie actually is about. I think some woman was like, these girls gonna start fucking lying.

Hey guys, you know, when I missed my temple recommendation, and when that old man snitched on me and it ruined my wedding day, oh, I really loved it. Let's make a movie about how telling you results in these consequences. And they were like, really, Wendy?

You think that's a good idea? And she was like, absolutely. I loved it so much. Yummers. Oh, interesting. I like that. I like the subversive angle. Yeah, it turns out they're lying about everything.

You just lie also, and it's better. Yeah. It's a good message. By the way, when you look up refused Temple recommend, at least on my Google algorithm, the first result is from the exmo Reddit with people sharing why they didn't get

their temple recommends before they stopped being Mormon. And the second result is a Salt Lake City Tribune article or one of those Utah newspapers interviewing rape victims who didn't get their temple recommends because they weren't virgins on their wedding days.

Oh, man. So yeah, and she's like, she's kind of explaining to the bishop, she's like, hey, you know, like, if we just keep this between ourselves and I could tell God I'm sorry. and, you know, he would forgive me because that's kind of his thing. And maybe we'd do an extra hand job so that this all sort of balances. Right.

And he goes, and the bishop is like, you know, I think the problem is that you're worried about like what your, you know, friends will think and what your family will think and what will haunt you for the rest of your entire goddamn life and not thinking about how sad baby Jesus was when you were giving that guy a heech. Yes, the words he uses, and truly this is the most mansplainty of mansplaining sentences. Let me see if I can.

help you understand. Oh my God. Fuck you. Yeah. And he's saying like you're too concerned about human shame. You need to have godly shame in your whoreface. And then maybe we'll give you the temple of me. You wouldn't be such a fucking horface. Yeah. Seriously,

I would genuinely not be surprised if an ex-mo was like, hey, Heath, by the way, there is a Mormon unheaging ritual. It's a real thing. I'd be like, yeah. That's like the eighth craziest thing we've ever heard about Mormon. Right. Yeah. Right. Not it. 8th. So, okay, so then she goes home to weep and

rage about it. And there's this great, like this artistic moment where she wax her pillow and it hits the framed picture of her and Aaron Eckert and it like slow motion falls to the ground as we're like seeing her sadness montage. You got to

check your area before you do the dramatic punching stuff. Even if it's a pillow, you're going to break something. Take it from three white men. Yeah. And this is of course where we're introduced to Heath's best, worst, the exactly on the nose narration singing. Once my sorrow, Mormon, I have godly shame.

I hit the pillow too hard, and I didn't even realize it was going to go all the way over at the band. At the end of this 10 minutes, I'll have godly shame. And she's telling Aaron Eckhart, who I'm sure did not have sex outside of wetline. Yes, right, right. He's very disappointed. And he's going like, why did you fucking lie?

am I marrying an idiot? Jesus. Yeah. We get a little montage here. The framed picture is still falling in slow-mo. Cross cut with the montage. And one of the moments she goes up to her friends, I guess to tell them about the thing she did. Or like maybe she already told them

and she's trying to still be friends. So she walks up to her friends. They let her get there. And then they're like, fuck you, Kim, whore. And she has to just immediately walk away. Oh yeah. Girl on the right is doing major stats.

face. It's pretty fantastic. Terrifying. Well, wait. And so again, what they're showing is like, and Aaron Eckhart is really mad and disappointed in her and her parents are very upset with her, right? So they're showing like her life being ruined by this absolute bullshit, right?

And so, but as we're getting that and the on the nose narration singing, eventually the picture hits the ground and it shatters and it shatters like it was shot, right? A thousand tiny pieces. There's this moment where she sort of, she wipes the glass from the picture frame and then she wipes tears from her eyes and I'm like I feel like

you you have one hand for brushing glass and she starts screaming and bleeding right it looks like she just picked up glass and started stabbing herself in the eye with it at first now that's proper repentance get in here oh no so okay so now it's it's sometime later she's having another meeting with the bishop about that hand job and he's explaining how sorrow is actually a gift From God? Yes, because your hand job is the reason that Jesus was crucified. Right, in case you didn't feel guilty enough about it. Yeah, and then this is a popular Christian apologetic, right?

The idea that, like, Christ paid for all the sins of the world. And sometimes Christ experienced all the sins of the world while on the cross, which either way, I feel like whatever the time period was where he was paying for all the hand jobs, Jesus was probably like, okay, dad, let's speed it off. a little bit. I don't think anybody's actually. Or he wasn't, you know. A value system that cares about. No, my sorrow's just like Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Diane. Yeah. Diane cuts back in. He could probably give really good hand jobs with the holes right there. Oh, yeah. So, but yeah, but then, yeah, we get more of the montage music. Now she's praying really hard. She's being ashamed of herself correctly now.

Properly, yes. Read your Bible. Staring sorrow. out the window, lying sorrowfully upon the grass. Very artistic. We see Aaron Eckert for a minute, too, and he's, I was so mad. He looks great in pleats in, like, giant packets from 1992 with huge amounts of pleats.

He looks amazing. He looks great. But the song ends. Literally followed this up with Hot Shots Part D, by the way. If you're wondering, it was Godly Sorrow, Hot Shots Part D. So, but the song ends with her shaking the bishop's hand and he's smiling, right? So her adultery is cured now. So then we cut to her, she's like sitting at the temple and she's staring at the temple

that she can't get married in, or I guess now she can, right? Because she fixed her adultery. And the camera like slowly pans over. Yeah. And this is where we get pretty good confirmation of Eli's theory, I would say. Because she's like, yeah, so I thought about lying. because, you know, the whole thing is lying. It would have been so easy if I

just lied. For both of them. But sorry, sorry, sorry, but now I'm happy because I did. And the pain is gone because I didn't lie. All better. Yeah. Well, right. So, like, the pan ends up, it's Aaron Eckhart. We're like, well, of course, it's fucking,

who the hell the fuck else would it be? I wanted it to be Jesus. I was really hoping to hand over, and Jesus is showing her the 360 twist. And she's like, well, I should have done that. Yeah. Right. But she's like, she's like, no. So, so, like, I'm actually really happy that I went ahead and was humiliated rather than lie. And so Aaron goes, well, what about all the pain? And she says, it's gone. End of movie. End of video. Why? It's movies over. It's over. It's gone. It's gone. It's good. Liked it, actually. Pain is gone. Thank you, Diane.

Really good thing she didn't lie, even though. It would have been way easier. All right. Well, here's hoping we can dig up more beloved celebrities embarrassing home movies for the next installment of Godawful Minutes. Before we clock out for the night, I want to remind you to go to godawful movieslive.com To get your live show tickets for New Orleans on September 27th, I also want to warn you that after we finish this episode, I'm taking off for Alaska for a couple of weeks.

I'm leaving you and Heath and Eli's capable hands, but if things get too crazy, I want you to go ahead and email me about it, okay? I'm counting on you to keep track of shit. Anyway, that's all the blast me we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on look up for a brand new episode of our sister show, day being at 7 Eastern on Monday and even new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful movies, day being at 7 Eastern on Tuesday. And even new episode of our sister show's citation need a debut in at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright, Eli Bosnick, in advance for taking on a ton of work on my behalf over the next couple of weeks. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions. She was too busy to getting ready for the trip to make the show this week, but she promises to bring some really misogynistic misogyny when she gets back.

I also want to thank this week's chef's kiss of a Farsworth quote. Good stuff. Most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Tom Terrence Voodoo Magic Swamp Lawyer, Richard, John, Julie, Other Julie, Timothy needs coffee. So we come to this, Sam, Christopher, and Ned. Tom, Terence, Swamp, Swamp, and Richard, whose intellects are. more vast than the frozen plains of America's 49th state. John the Julie's Timothy and needs coffee or cooler than all the glaciers we're going to see

on our Wednesdays glacier cruise. And the end of this, Sam, Christopher and Ned, whose IQs are higher than the soaring peaks of Denali, the gem of the Alaskan range. Sorry, y'all. My mind is where my mind is. Together, these 13 people necessities and preludes to combat help make things like vacations to Alaska possible for us by joining the ranks of our incredibly generous patrons. And if you'd like to chip in as well, you can make a per episode donation of Patreon.com

slash scathing Atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathinga Atheist.com. And if you'd like to help it, you're not giving us money until you get your own Alaska vacation, you can help a ton by leaving a five-star review. Telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

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