The Scathing Atheist - 650: Superman's ICE Breath Edition

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

On this week’s episode: Ryan Walters blames Big Roku for his fappenings ... Dean Cain tries to reverse the rotation of the earth so he's not 59 and sloppy ... And Don Ford will be here to keep the bible interesting. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Headlines: Ryan Walters may not have watched nude women at work, but he still slandered his colleagues: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/ryan-walters-may-not-have-watched Pete Hegseth praises pastor who thinks women shouldn't have the right to vote: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/defense-secretary-praises-pastor Cynthia Erivo's 'demonic' portrayal of Jesus prompts outrage: https://www.christianpost.com/news/cynthia-erivos-demonic-portrayal-of-jesus-prompts-outrage.html Dean Cain, Who Played Superman, Says He Is Joining ICE: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/07/us/dean-cain-superman-ice.html Eric Adams Assembles Religious Leaders to Bless His Candidacy: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/05/nyregion/eric-adams-nyc-mayor-religious-leaders.html

Warning, this podcast says the naughty words, but in our hearts, we mean the nice ones. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Horror Frames, My Sheets Rock, Mint Mobile, and by the new job networking site for men's rights activists. LinkedIn Cell, Go fuck yourself. And now, Scathing Atheist. Guall, it's me, Elon Musk, coming to you from within the interweb, fellow gamers. And depending on who the ketamine tells me is my enemy this week, I can assure you that for now, I still think we evolved from Filthy Monkey Mayan.

It's Thursday. It's August 14th. And it's National Tattoo Removal Day. A needless holiday for a smooth boy afraid of needles like myself. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heathenright. And from Dean Cain's, New Jersey and Ann Arbor, Michigan, this is the scathing atheist. Oh, this week's episode.

Ryan Walters blames Big Roku for his fappetings. Dean Cain tries to reverse the rotation of the earth so he's not 59 and sloth. And Don Ford will be here to keep the Bible interesting. But first, the rest of the intrams are. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a person who goes by Survivor, Eli Bosnick. Eli, you're ready to keep on surviving after that very quick dermatology appointment? Yeah, Anna won't let me wear a bandana over my Band-Aid and says I was already bald. It's like she doesn't even care.

All right. Well, speaking of precious memories, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor or our frames. Hold, hold it. Come on. Hey, Heath, what's the matter? I'm trying to hold on to my memories from this summer, but they keep slipping out. Slipping out? Yeah, like moments, conversations, whole days, just gone. Oh, okay, well, Heath, if you want a great way to keep summer memories alive, you should try an or a frame. What's an aura frame?

Ora frames was named the best digital photo frame by wirecutter, and it's easy to see why. There's unlimited storage so you can add as many photos and videos as you can find. And it's so simple to set up. Just plug it in and share away. That sounds great, but have you actually tried one? I sure have. ORAFrames sent us a picture frame to try when they became a sponsor. My mom loved it so much, we immediately bought one for Anna's parents.

That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse ORAFraFraM's. All right, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Start reliving your favorite memories by visitingoraFraims.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $35. off their best-selling CarverMatt frame. That's A-U-R-A-Frams.com. Promal code, scathing.

Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. All right, thanks. Can't believe this hasn't happened to me before. Buying a digital picture frame? No, wanting to remember something. Oh. What?

Nothing. Nothing. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we have a very important follow-up story about an extremely embarrassing moment for Christian Bigot and Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction Ryan Walters. Looks like it's not what we thought it was. You might remember that he held a meeting in his office a few weeks ago to discuss the state curriculum, during which time

two members of the Board of Education were shown full frontal nudity on Walter's TV screen. Yes, they were. And yes, that is literally what happened. So it was what we thought in that sense. But the nudity might have been an accidental showing of the 1985 Jackie Chan movie, The Protector, rather than porn that he was watching in the office. So not embarrassing, apparently, except yes, it is. It definitely still is. Hey, Keith, we don't nestle just below Ben Shapiro on that factuality media bias chart because I'm not going to say Ryan Walters got caught watching porn in his office for the rest of his life. So truth is all about what's in your heart. And that's what's in Eli's heart for no on.

100%. And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for going all the way down this dumbass rabbit hole to get all the details. Check them out at friendly atheist.com. So here's what we learned from Hemet. Following the incident, Walters went buck wild and launched a big investigation hiring a cyber security company to figure out in his head the conspiracy by his enemies to sneak porn onto his TV. That firm was not able to solve the mystery because, of course, there wasn't one. The person who might have solved it, though, is GOP state representative Kyle Hilbert. Kyle noticed a crucial detail in the cybersecurity security report that said, when initially powered on, the TV in Walter's office displayed Samsung TV Plus channel 1204 movie action hub. So Kyle decided to contact Samsung and he says they told him

that the protector with Jackie Chan was indeed playing on their channel at the time of the meeting. And there is a scene in that movie that includes full frontal nudity and matches the other details mentioned by the board members. Or, or he got caught watching porn in his office and his colleague was more willing to make up bullshit for him than the cyber security team that he hired. It's possible. So Kyle is fucking weird,

but it seems like he found a reasonable explanation after his very weird investigation. You don't say. He released an official statement that said, quote, the most plausible explanation is that the television, which had only been in the superintendent's office for fewer than two months, automatically launched Samsung's free streaming service and began playing a film that contained explicit content without anyone in the room realizing it at the time. This information seems to vindicate both the state

superintendent as well as the two board members. Kyle also addressed the conspiracy theory. He continued, it does not appear that Samsung's internal movie channels list streamable content days in advance. So a planned conspiracy would be highly unlikely. I mean, he's right there. Not adding, that was literally a joke that Heath made when they talked about this on Skaithing Atheist a few weeks ago, you're fucking stupid. Now, Heath, I can't help but notice that's a weirdly defensive statement. Any idea why he might have addressed the idea of a conspiracy? Yeah, great. questions. So following the original incident, Walters had his director of communications released a statement claiming he had no idea what happened. I believe you. And he blamed the

whole thing on a hostile board that would, quote, say and do anything except tell the truth. And during a news conference, he said, quote, these board members have a lot to answer for. And so does the governor of Oklahoma. Did he direct these board members to lie about me? and exact quote from a news conference. Just to be clear, they told exactly the truth about seeing full frontal nudity on his TV during a meeting. Well, in light of all the information from Kyle Hilbert, Ryan Walters apologized for the accusations and retracted the conspiracy theory about the evil board members who secretly projected 80s porn onto his TV and then pretended to get mad about seeing it as directed by Kevin Stitt, the governor of Oklahoma.

Wait, no, sorry, it's the opposite of what I just said. Walters apologized and retracted, not at all. Of course. I mean, imagine a world where new information changes Ryan Walters' mind, Heathenright. Think of the precedent one would set. So, Ryan Walters, I know you're listening. We are willing to admit that maybe you weren't watching porn. in your office in the middle of the morning.

Keith does not speak for everyone on this podcast, Ryan Walters. Don't you listen to him? I do not speak for either one of us. Or maybe, though, maybe you were watching porn and it just wasn't on the TV. Could be either. Either way, you still showed full frontal nudity during a business meeting. And when the board members told you to turn it off, you responded by panicking and saying, I can't get it to turn off.

I can't figure out how to turn it off. So, yeah, pro tip, the answer is power button. Power button, yep. Power button, you're stupid. Yeah. And in Virtue Signal app news, we have a story about Pete Heggseth and the Christian spiritual leader who guides him. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the head bartender named Christian at the TGI Fridays near the Pentagon in McLean, Virginia. That would be great news.

Christian is delightful, and he's actually a great flare bartender who beat me in the U.S. regionals back in 08, and Christian hates Pete Heggseth. He told me that Pete shot himself at the bar last week at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. Did I make that up just now? Maybe, but you're not sure. You don't know. Yeah, and to be fair, neither are we. Well, regardless, I'm talking about a different spiritual leader of Pete Hegger.

Seth, that would be Pastor Doug Wilson, who runs an evangelical church that just opened a branch in Washington, D.C., where Pete Heggseth is a member and sends his kids to school. And thanks to a segment on CNN last week, we learned that Doug Wilson is the embodiment of every single evil white guy thing, like all at the same time, like he's made in a lab. And he looks like Santa's angry brother. Yeah, Heath has included a picture of him in our notes. He looks like Saruman sold out to a far greater evil. And a big thanks to Remy for being the first of many to send us a link to Skating News at

gmail.com. Remy gets to request one free jingle on the spot if he sees us in person about whatever, his name or something like that. So the profile on CNN was probably intended to have some clips and interview moments and maybe some narrative analysis. but they just ended up listing this guy's bigotry like a speed run and took up the whole segment. For example, Pastor Doug is a very proud Christian nationalist, but he made sure to mention all the other sizes of stuff too.

He's a Christian townist also and a Christian statist and a Christian worldist. He said, exact quote, I'd like to see the town be a Christian town. I'd like to see the state be a Christian state I'd like to see the nation be a Christian nation I'd like to see the world be a Christian world And if all the religions were one acts What a great axe that would be

I've heard this one I've heard this one And for any women listening Ladies Here's what Pastor Doug is thinking Gents about you people Gents stop the podcast This one's just for the ladies You people

You women according to Pastor Doug are fucking up democracy, and he'd like to end that. And just in case that wasn't 100% clear, one of his assistant pastors jumped in at this point to say, we'd like to abolish the 19th Amendment. That's what we meant by that. And Pastor Doug went on to describe the political role of women in society in his head. He said that women are, quote,

the kind of people that people come out of. I mean, okay, I know technically he's not wrong, but the fact that he stopped there is what. concerns me, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that was the end of his thought about the role in society politically for women. And here's a little exchange we got between Pastor Doug and CNN's Pamela Brown, who was doing the segment. She asked him, what would you say to a Muslim person who might object to Christian theocrats pushing their worldview on everyone? And Pastor Doug responded, if I went to Saudi Arabia, I'd expect to live under their God's rules. So Pamela Brown

says, but you just said a moment ago that you want a Christian world. And he's like, right, I did just say that. Yeah, we're definitely taking them over there. Peacefully, by the way, we just got to get the gospel over there. As soon as we get the gospel over there, Saudi Arabia, they'll be Christian. Almost exact quote. Yeah, Pamela, fighting dirty is okay if you're convinced you're going to win the fight. You see, Pamela? All right. Well, the whole thing was terrifying, but here's my favorite moment. This was just fun to watch for a second. Pamela Brown went to Moscow, Idaho, where Pastor Doug's original Christ Church is based. And they're walking down the street in town. And all you hear is boo, boo. They're booing him. They boo him so much. And

Pastor Doug is like, yeah, that's because of me. That's not unusual. That's his exact quote. I'm openly hated in the place I lived. You can see why I started with a Christian town on sort of my vision board, right, as opposed to. Yeah, the stronghold of atheism called Moscow, Idaho doesn't like him. Yeah. And just a few other details about Pastor Doug. In Soviet, Idaho. Yeah.

Town hates you. So Pastor Doug wants a ban on non-Christian people and also liberal Christian people from holding public office. Huh. He also thinks abortion and homosexuality should be criminalized. And he's literally ranked those things using a slavery-based scale. Ranked him in terms of, like, evil in his head. And just to be clear, never use a slavery-based scale. Just to be clear, he's not saying that slavery is evil.

He's just using it for the scale. Rhetorical device. Slavery is actually a net positive. in his mind. He actually said that. He said, quote, it produced in the South a genuine affection between the races. And here's how it goes with that ranking. Sodomy is worse than slavery and abortion is tied with slavery. Which, in his defense, is generous because very few women are chummy with their

aborted fetuses, Heath. Have you considered that? Okay. Yeah, no. No point. So check out the video from CNN if you're curious. It's truly insane. It includes Pamela Brown making a stop inside Pastor Doug's Christchurch to look at, at one point, a big poster on the wall for, I think, a book called It's Good to Be a Man, a Handbook for Godly Masculinity. He really loves that book so much that he got a big poster of the book and put it on the wall. And that is right next to one of those mini basketball arcade games. with the net for returning the balls

and they got a bit of it in the frame. It's so silly. Okay, boys, if I make this next shot, I'm going to stop being gay. Ready, here we go. Three, I dropped it on the ground. Yeah, there's no way he's making that shot. So many moments when Pamela Brown had to hold back laughter.

She went into the segment, I'm assuming things she'd need to like tease out all the information for the expose she was doing. But then Pastor Doug would just blurt out a new slur word for women or start singing a song about a few of his favorite things about slavery. And just in case it wasn't already clear that our Secretary of Defense is on board with these ideas, Pete Huggseth proudly posted the full segment from CNN with the caption, All of Christ for All of Life.

Weird. So, yeah, looking forward to the follow-up story from CNN. I'm assuming Pamela Brown put herself in Pastor Doug's phone as like theocrat buddy add to group chat on Signal with Pete. So we'll see how it goes. Hot babes. And

speaking of people who need some new sheets a lot. We're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor. My Sheets Rock. It's the 13th. In August. Read the chart. You made the chart. I don't trust any chart you made. Oh, hello.

Podcast listener. We didn't see there. Yeah, usually. Noah interrupts us at this point to ask us what we're doing. Indeed, he does. But in case you're wondering what we're up to, we're figuring out whose turn it is to blow the other one. Because we blow each other almost every night. That's right. A fan, an air conditioner. We're both warm sleepers, and that means someone needs to get blown with cool air every night. Damn, usually Noah suggests my sheep's rock at this point. My sheet's rock, you say? What's my sheet's rock?

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But Heath, have you actually tried them? Was switching? Like, who's doing the copyright? Yes, yes, we are. Yes, Eli. I have My Sheets Rock sent me a set to try when they became a sponsor. And they've since become my favorite sheets. That's why I, Heath Enright, personally endorse My Sheets Rock.

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And enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's mysheetsrock.com slash scathing. Code scathing. Weren't we talking to the listeners at the start of the ad? Right. We blow each other? With fans, is the joke. They said we can say this.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Hey, Eli, why is sitting there with a sad little candle and a sad little cupcake? Oh, hey, Heath. Yeah, I was just getting ready for my birthday. My sad, sad birthday. Way ahead. But why is it going to be so sad?

Because it's the day before our live show, New Orleans on September 27th, and nobody's going to come. Nobody's going to come? Why? I don't know why, Heath. We're going to be reviewing a terrible movie with all the visual shenanigans our listeners are missing on the podcast. Plus, they can hang out with us on my actual birthday for a night of food, fun, and games on Friday, September 26th. Oh, well, maybe people don't know where to get tickets. It can't be that. They just go to godawfulmovieslive.com.

Godoffelmovieslive.com? Well, that's... That's so easy. It is godawfulmovieslive.com. All right. Well, don't worry, Eli. I'm sure now that people know they can buy tickets to our live show in New Orleans on September 27th at godawful movies live. com, we'll sell out in no time. We better, or I'll kill myself.

Noah was so clear, man. I'm not, no, he said no threat. I'm promising. He was clear about that, too. He was. And we're back. Next up in headlines in blasphemy, blast for you. If you aren't a former musical theater kid like myself, you'd be forgiven for thinking

the Hollywood Bowl was a large glass receptacle for either cocaine, baby blood, or both. So for those of you uninitiated, it's a performance venue that hosts live musical performances. Over the last few months, the show on display has been Jesus Christ Superstar, and it's gathered quite a bit of praise, not the least of which, because Eli Botnick impersonator Joshua Gad has been making a fantastic splash as Herod. A wild sentence, if you're not aware of the lore and Eli's grievances. Fair. That is fair.

But, but that performance also includes a little-known performer Cynthia Arevo as Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Yes. And when an LGBTQ woman of color plays Jesus, you know what that means. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest. Christian freak out. That's right. Christians are freaking out.

And it seems the charge is being led by none other than God-awful movie superstar Kevin Sorbo. Yes, that's right. Kevin tweeted a picture of A Revo in the role with the caption, This is demonic in all caps.

So stupid. Which I know a lot of people would take as an insulting exaggeration, but he might have just been pitching his next film, people. You got to check. Okay, Kevin Sorbo clearly just knows the title

Jesus Christ Superstar, and he's been assuming it's just a jaunty musical about the exact biblical story of Jesus Christ. Yeah, you'd have to imagine. But of course, Christians never freak out alone. If you see one Christian freak out, that means you've got a thousand of them.

They're like ants. Kristen Hawkins, president of Students for Life of America, and podcast hosts said, quote, Colleague. Colleague. Significantly more successful than us colleagues, and quote, it's no surprise she looked exactly

like how demons have always been portrayed. And let's be real. If you dress like a demon, act like a demon, and mock God like a demon, don't be shocked when people call it what it is. A costume in a musical? Yeah. This is intentional blasphemy

from Hollywood, end quote. Yes, correct. It is. It's a rock opera told from the perspective of Judas. I don't understand. stand why this is confusing. The whole world is making fun of you. That is

true. That is what's happening. Now, and also he's as our foremost expert on the Bible on this week's show, I don't remember the demons being portrayed as absolutely gorgeous and talented women of color. Do you remember that? Maybe it's later in the part with the cups

and the bowls. Yeah, we probably forgot about it. That's probably. We'll get to it. I got to read it. But my favorite freak out comes from Christopher Calvin Reed, a Christian radio host who had this very sane and chill reaction. Quote, the Bible is unequivocal. The word became flesh, John 114, incarnate as a man, not a genderless symbol for

progressive fantasies. Arevo's casting isn't just unbiblical. It's a deliberate desecration, reducing Christ to a prop for cultural Marxism. Again, yes, it is. Like, Jewish, black, and gay people seize the means of cultural production called Hollywood. You've been saying that forever. How is this complicated? You can watch The Daily Wires, Jesus Christ really is a white superstar.

This is Sirius, the musical. Like, that's for you. Watch that. You get the previous 2,000 years of musicals about Jesus. He continues, quote, It is clear that this is the left spitting on the cross, trading divine truth for a woke applause track. And Arivo's liberal activism only deepens the insult, signaling a rejection of Christ's divinity for political posturing.

Sorry, just to be clear, the original musical's written by the liberal activist Andrew Lloyd Weber in their head, the conservative lord in the UK, that liberal activist. That famous liberal cock Andrew Lloyd Weber. He continues, this is an art,

it's evil, a blasphemous middle finger to God cheered by Democrats who'd rather bow to Hollywood than the Bible. Christians must reject this sacrilege, for it erodes the sacred, inviting divine judgment while the left cackles in their echo chambers, end quote. Okay, it's funny.

I actually did there for a second. They're just describing what's true. So hate to reveal the big secret, but here's what happened, Christian people. They cast Cynthia Revo because she's amazingly talented. And then the marketing team was like, nice. Christians are going to freak out and give us a whole bunch of free extra attention. And now you, Christian people, are yelling from underage. giant box after you dove on a big red X and knocked over a stick.

You did. What's happening? This is what happened. So, yeah, the Christians are not all right with a black queer person existing. And I think they made it pretty clear. But to me, as Heath has talked about throughout this story, the funniest thing about it is that they're freaking out in defense of Jesus Christ Superstar, a show that when it premiered was vociferously condemned by Christians.

This isn't new. Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is that in 40 years, when they're trying to sell you relics of St. Orivo, some of us will remember when this was a problem. And in Collel Salvador news. Oh, fantastic. Looks like Superman is going to be adding an extra S to the chest of his little onesie there. That's right.

The newest member of ICE is 59-year-old Christian actor Dean Kane. He heard about the big signing bonus for joining ICE and under fives in shitty Christian movies don't get to eat crafty on the set. So he is patriotically volunteering to abduct people who don't look white enough. Yeah, as if it wasn't already a moral imperative to the masked fascists illegally kidnapping people off the streets,

you now might get Dean Cain. They're basically Wonka bars at this point, people. Weird beeps. I don't know what happens. there. Anyway, a big thanks. Walk a bars, you should today. Hey, a beeping keeps happening. A big thanks

to friend of the show and Friend of the Game Night, Alex, for being the first of so many people to send us a link to scathing news at gmail.com. Alex gets to roast me extra hard the next time I make a stupid clue during code names that hits

the death card, as I am sometimes want to do when I get too ambitious with my code names gluing. So we got a clue about Dean Cain becoming employed last week when he posted a video on Instagram urging people to join ICE with the Superman theme song playing in the background. Okay, maybe Superman was about to tackle him. I feel like the new guy would do it, right? Yeah, he sure would. And then we got full confirmation later that day when Dean went on Fox News with Jesse Waters to proudly announce his new job.

Waters asked him, are you going to be hopping out of ice vans and apprehending people? And Dean said, I'll do whatever they tell me. But then it got really sad for Dean the very next day, the Department of Homeland Security clarified saying, he'll be an honorary ice officer, honorary. They're going to give him a little plastic helmet and he's going to do a war crime with John Cena, everybody's

be so much for horrible. Yeah, so lots of people remember Dean Cain for starring in Lois and Clark, the New Adventures of Superman in the 90s. Would we say lots of people? Or if you're me, you remember him as like 19 different boring side characters in god-awful Christian movies for the last 20 years. I actually checked IMDB because I was curious, and it's way more than 19. So many. Just doing a Control F for the word pastor, I found eight movie roles for Dean Kane, nine if you also count priests. And it was a useful visit to IMDB. I added several years of material to our gamlist.

You sure did. We've already done all the God's Not Dead movies, of course, but still plenty of Dean Cain's oeuvre that we haven't done. That includes, we believe, a Christian football movie with Dean Cain and Jim McMahon. Oh, I'm listening. Chicago Bears quarterback. Also, forgiving God,

forgiven. Crossroads, a story of forgiveness. Paul's promise, Faith Under Fire with Kevin Sorbo. It's a doll's world. Also with Kevin Sorbo and Karate Princess, a literal Christian Karate movie

from Jason. film's studios. Okay, Heath, we'll watch it, but only if Dean is the karate princess. Okay, well, he is in my heart and yours, and that's what counts. And, of course, I didn't forget

Obamagate the movie. Dean Kane plays FBI agent Peter Strach and Christy Swanson plays FBI lawyer, Lisa Page. Here's the description. Obamagate, the movie, exposes the deep

state plot to undermine the Trump candidacy and presidency, and it reveals the lies behind the fake Russia collusion narrative. Okay, we'll watch it, but only if Dean is the karate princess. He is once again in my heart. Ed, just one other detail that needs to be mentioned. Dean Kane was born as Dean George Tanaka. His father, Roger Tanaka, is of Japanese descent, and that side of the family was forced into internment camps during World War II here in the United States. Dean's takeaway from that was, I wasn't listening. Anyway, this is how we're going to defeat Venezuela in that world war that's happening right now with Venezuela. So, bottom line, if anyone encounters Dean Kane, the ICE agent, honorary ice agent in the wild,

Just remember that his kryptonite is, I think, brisk walking. That should do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Beeps everywhere today. And finally tonight in Adams Family Values News, New York City Mayor and living embodiment of the failure of the democratic process, Eric Adams, held an interfaith blessing ceremony for his third party run for mayor because, I mean, there's no way he has a snowflakes chance in all

the possible hells. and he's going to be damned if there isn't an afterlife somewhere where he pulls ahead of Zohan Mandami. Yeah, I sure hope he didn't make a deal with any horrible liars that involves staying in office lest he become completely useless. And then that would completely flip around on him. I hope that's not what happened. Yeah, of course.

This is weird. I'm going to have to like root for Pam Bondi's DOJ if they prosecute him or not. I don't know what to do. You can't root for structural collapse at that trial. Yeah. Now, for those of you wondering, hey, Eli, are you just using the fact that Noah's on vacation to talk about the worst mayor since the mayor of New York was just the Irish guy with the heaviest wooden bat? The answer, of course, is yes. It's Shaleli. It's called a Shaleli. Exactly.

Represent your people. But Adams brought religion into it. So Noah's not allowed to yell at me. Anyways, in an event, he billed as the, quote, largest citywide religious endorsement ceremony in New York history. Adams hoped he could replace polling numbers with college brochure diversity, including, and this is a quote here, pastors, priests, rabbis, imams, sheiks, llamas, rastafarians, and gurus, end quote. Okay, and also a guy in a cowboy hat. Thank you, Heathen, right. Not sure what religion the cowboy hat was supposed to be representing, but I'm a fan. Nice hat. I'm a member of a church of Rutan and a tutor. Here's what I think happened. May we sidebar for a moment about the cowboy hat. I think they did.

at like a dress rehearsal and he's just some fucking random kind of Christian and he was like completely overshadowed by the rest of the audience. Honey, we're going to Halloween adventure. I'm going to shadow them with my giant hat. Literal shadows. Fuck you.

Okay. That tracks. So the event had several speakers. My favorite of which was Bishop Chantelle Wright who aside from looking like a headshot on the wall of Supercuts tried to lead a congregation introduced Adams as follows. Real quote,

I'm not making any of this up. We lift up his arms the same way that Aaron did for his leader, and to Gideon, whose small army vanquished a far larger one, thanks to the hand of God. Get George Shea from like the Nathan's hot dog contest as your announcer. What is happening? Yeah, yeah. He sucks. He'll do it.

We are your army. We are the ones who are going to be the credible messengers that get the word out, that yes, you are a man of integrity, although the press may never say anything good, about you. We will open our mouths like the trumpet of Zion, and we will tell of the goodness you've done for this city. And real quote. Is that Curtis Sliwa? The founder of the guardian angels? I'm switching the blessing to him. I like that guy. He rescues cats. He's a better choice than Eric Adams. He is. Ooh, is he? Okay. The Republican with a brouet who knows karate,

according to the person who gave that blessing, is definitely a better choice than Eric Adams. That's true. Could I vote for that trouble popper instead? If you're being honest, you'd vote for Sliwa, right? Can I abstain? Can I vote for the trouble? Okay, Curtis Sliwa is a Republican, but Eric Adams is a liar Democrat who coordinated a bunch of bullshit, horrible, horrible bullshit with ICE and Trump. That's fair.

To be fair, there's no way Sliwaz is going to, like, be able to do the logistics. No. Of coordinating with ICE. He's going to be like, crap, my office phones, my cell phone. Also, the giant corruption scandal. There's that. So, as I mentioned at the start of the story, Adams is polling terribly and is now joined by two other losing candidates who are running ill-fated campaigns as independence.

But, hey, at least when that happens, we can all agree that whichever God, all of these religious reps at this press conference believed in, that God doesn't exist. Right? I think we're all on the same page. And that's going to do it for the headlines. Next up, we have Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure for some Bible piece theater,

and we've got some book of acts to grind. But first, a quick word from our sponsor, Mint Mobile. Hey, Eli, we got to finish the podcast. Oh, wow. Dude, you look burned. Yeah, yeah, I misunderstood the promises of Mint Mobile. What's Mint Mobile? Well, with Mint, you get the cover.

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Got it. Okay. But why would you want to switch to Mint Mobile anyway? Changing your phone is such a hassle. Oh, Heath, you beautiful, stupid angel. all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. All right. Have you actually tried it?

I sure have. I switched to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor. Now I get the same amazing service, but for a fraction of the price. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Mint Mobile. You know what? I'm sold. Where do I sign up? This year, Skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank. Get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash scathing. That's mintmobile.com slash scathing. Upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time new customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra, see Mint Mobile for more details.

So should go sunbathing with no lotion? No, I actually tried to fight the Fantastic Four. Really? You went right for Johnny, huh? I thought it would be my strength. You know, sort of a power thing. Got it. So it's an iceberg cruise? Apparently. I mean, who wants to go see an iceberg? I mean, no illusions, man.

That's who wants to see an iceberg. Oh, hey, Don. What are you doing here? Oh, I took my kid to a petting zoo, but one of the goats was just a glue trap that Eli made. Yeah, okay. Must have been a good trap. Honestly, I was totally high the whole time of spacing out.

Fair enough. So you guys ready to do Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Oh, right, right. Where were we? Acts. Right, the post-Jesus part of the Bible.

So we're going to pick back up with Paul's speech to the Epicureans and Stoics on Mars. I'm still high from the glue trap. Epicureans, lower your space helmets and hear me. We need to grow potatoes. Eli, that's Paul's speech from Mars. Mars Hill. Ah, I knew it was too good to be true. Sorry about that. Back to normal.

Listen, all of you have to stop worshipping other gods, okay? Oh, why? Because they're not real. I mean, look at this. You guys have an altar here that just says to the unknown God. Uh, yeah, uh, you know, uh, in case we missed one. Okay, well, don't do that. You only need one God and his son, Jesus.

Okay, yeah. Uh, question from, um, Pascal? Yes. Question from Pascal. Hi, Pascal. Um, uh, wouldn't it be better to keep our altar to the other god just in case that one turns out to be real? You know, just be safe. Oh, it's got a good point. No, no, that's not a good point. Nobody take Pascal's wager. It's a, it's a, it's a dumb argument, everybody. Uh, okay, but, uh, what if we were going to do that with your God, huh? Okay, sorry, correction. If you are going to do that with my God, you should. It's actually better safe than sorry. Oh, for my thing? No, for, it's mine now. But we could both be right.

No, we could not. So Paul heads to Corinth, where he has even worse luck convincing some more Jews to believe in Jesus until one night he gets a visit from Jesus himself. Paul, Paul, it is I. Jesus. Wow, a visitation from Jesus from heaven. Oh, yes, that's right, Paul. I am. I'm here to tell you to keep up the good work. None shall harm you. Wow. And what else, Lord? Oh, that's it.

You didn't have any further instructions or anything? Oh, no, no, just, you know, just keep it up and stuff. You know, you're doing great. And now you're headed back to heaven. Oh, well, yeah, yeah, I'm going to head back in a little bit, you know. Sorry, in a little bit? Oh, yeah, you know, heading right up, you know. Hey, Jesus, by any chance, are you going to stop at the new crumble cookies that just opened up in town?

Oh, did a crumble cookie open up around here? I didn't even know. You didn't know? You didn't know, so you're not going to go. You're not going to visit it. Well, now that I know, I mean, I might stop by. Right, sure, might just drop by. Well, if they have the Benson Boone cookie, I feel like you know they have the Benson Boone cookie.

So Paul hangs out in Corinth for another year. Almost gets in trouble, but they don't want to bother with him, so now he heads to Ephesus. Disciples of Ephesus, hear me. Have you received the Holy Ghost? No. What's the Holy Ghost? Wait, sorry, you guys haven't heard of the Holy Ghost? Nope. Okay, well then how were you guys baptized?

We were baptized by John the Baptist. Oh. What? What's, oh. So there's kind of been a system update? Seriously, we just got John the Baptist. Yeah, sorry. So John the Baptist was kind of just continued the metaphor.

He was kind of the beta for Jesus. Did he not mention that? No, he didn't mention that. I mean, it's fine. We can get you guys up to date today. Like, no problem. Okay, should I back up my data? What's happening?

I mean, you should always back up your data. Obviously, you should all... Oh, like, you guys always back up your data. You always brush your teeth. So Paul stays there for another year until everyone in Asia has heard of Jesus. Sorry, everyone in Asia? The whole continent?

That's what the Bible says, yeah. Okay, but, like, there's so much historical data in there that just isn't true. Yeah, well, all those people didn't mention it because they were embarrassed, I guess. So anyway, Paul gives out some magical handkerchiefs and aprons that chase away disease and demons. Sorry, aprons? He gives out aprons?

Yes, yep, aprons. And they work great, but that means eventually some imitators come into town. Ah, excuse me, sir. Are you the exorcist we ordered? Uh, yeah, sure I am. Uh, you got demons? Oh, oh yeah, big time in here. Come on. Hey, how's it going?

Demon, there you are. I cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ. Oh, no. Oh, nothing happened. Is it like, is it like Jesus Christ, maybe? Do I have to do it like that? No, no, it's Jesus. Wait, sorry, are you Paul? Hmm? Are you Paul? Paul. No, no, I'm Frank.

Oh, the fuck is Frank. I'm a Jewish exorcist, and I heard that Paul was cleansing demons using the name of Jesus Christ, so I thought I'd, like, you know, try it out, see how it worked. Ah, seriously? What? It worked for Paul. It's not a cleaning product. You can't just borrow it, like that pink stuff and use it on all-purpose demons. Oh, neat.

Now, get the fuck out of here. Bring me a Christian to dispel me in the name of Jesus. Come on. I'm really sorry about this, bro. He should be. Meanwhile, there's trouble for Paul with the Ephesians. Hey, Ephesians. What do you all want?

Uh, yeah. Ms. Silversmith wanted to talk to you. Sure. Hey, can I help you find Jesus? No, no, no, thanks. You're fucking up my business. I make silver offerings for Diana. Right.

Look, I'm sorry, but our God is actually the only God and Jesus is his son who died for you. Cool, cool, cool, cool. And does he need any silver offerings? Uh, no, but... Oh, okay, then Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians. Okay, she's not, though, because...

Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians. Okay, can we at least agree... Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians. Okay, are you seriously? Diana. Can you... Defeasians. Would you please...

Diana, Diana, Diana is the goddess. Fine, you know what? You win. I'm leaving. Diana. Wait, sorry, Heath, I just want to clarify. Paul actually defeated, like, Seth Green's character in an Austin Power movie. Like Seth Green's character, that's correct.

Okay, got it. What's next? What's next is Paul gives a sermon so boring, it kills a guy. And verily, I say unto you, Christ is Lord, and the Lord God is with ye. Oh, oh! That's sleeping. I fell out the window. Oh, my God. He's dead. What? No, no, he's not dead.

Give me one second. Sorry, I'll be back, everybody. Wait, he fell out the window? Oh, yeah, right on his neck there. Oh, that is rough. Oh, yeah, I mean, why would you lean there? It doesn't even have a rail there. That's what I was going to say. Why would you lean there?

Okay. Okay, everybody, I'm back, and I brought the body, and I'm going to cure him with a power of Jesus just an eye, and I'm going to keep preaching while I do it. Hey, you can take a break if you want. Nope, don't need a break. I can preach and help this guy at the same time. Um, are you eating?

I skip lunch Thanks for having me to your home, Philip No problem Always happy to host Hello gentlemen Here is I Agubis the prophet Oh

Hey Agubis Do you have a prophecy for us Oh Indeed I do Give me your girdle My girdle Yeah I needed as a visual

Okay Here you guys No, here's my, here's my girdle. Okay, hands and feet. Sorry, what? I said, give me your hands and feet. Okay, here are my hands, okay. Prophecy has a lot of space work, right?

It's a lot of movement. Okay, hear me, the Holy Spirit says, the Jews shall type a man who owns this girdle. Well, that's you. You own this girdle. Yep, man, I'm aware I own this girdle. Oh, and give him to the Gentiles. Got it.

Okay, well, I'm ready to die for God. Well, that's good. Okay. Sorry, just feels like you could have told me all of that? I totally could have just told you. No. Jews. Why have you brought me this man?

He lies about how to serve God and tells the Gentiles. that they may be saved. Okay. Is this true? Yes, it's true. All right, well, um, uh, you're all gonna be happy if we shave four guys' heads? No, why would that make us happy? I don't know, it's worth a try.

Excuse me, excuse me, um, I have a speech. Oh, you're doing a speech? Yes, I'd like to do a speech. Yeah, sure, do a speech. Men, brethren and fathers, hear ye my defense, which I make now unto you. And when they heard that he spank in the... Dude, did you say, we got to crumb more cookies? Oh my God, they look so good.

I heard they're raw. What? No, they're not raw, they're soft bake till they're raw, maybe. Hey, what is it with you? Why do you always have to shit on everything? I don't shit on everything, okay? I'm just saying that the cookies look wrong. Do you not like soft-baked cookies?

No, no, I like them thin and crisp. Okay, well, just say that then. Not everything is to be like counterculture. Dude, I'm sorry, do you work for crumble cookies? No, I just feel like whenever anyone who likes anything, there's a segment of the population that has to shit on it. And it's like, who is this for? Who are you helping with this tape?

Look, I'm not helping anybody, okay? You asked if I liked the cookies, and I said no. No, you said they were wrong. Suddenly, they're shown a great light from around me. And anyway, that's my story. Dude, that was it? Yeah, like the first part of it, yeah. Kill the schmuck.

Kill him, make him. Yeah, that was super boring. Let's whip him and do a trial tomorrow. Yes. Oh, man. All right, Paul, you stand before this. Another, this is different court. New one.

How do you plead? I have never done anything wrong in my entire life. Okay, well, that's, like, super obviously not true. Uh, slap that guy. Ow! Sorry, he told me to. Yeah, no, I heard. Well, God will smite you, Whitewall.

Dude, that's the high priest. You can't do that. Oh, shit, he's the high priest? Yeah, man. Who do you think I am? Like, Minister of Slaps? Oh, you guys have a Minister of Slaps? No, we don't have a Minister of Slaps.

Look, look, you guys are the Sadducees and the Pharisees, right? Well, I'm a Pharisee, so you should let me go. Oh, hey, that's a great point. No, it's not. What are you talking about? Well, yes, it is, because he's probably protected by an angel or something. We should hear him out. Oh, my God.

You're just saying that because you're a Pharisee. Oh, wow. Bigot much. Oh, okay. You know what? We're going to handle this. We'll talk to you tomorrow, Paul. Okay, well, thank you, Minister of Slaps.

Nobody is the Minister of Slaps. Jews, why do you rabble so? Again, more. They have gathered 40 men who will not eat or drink until Paul is killed. Okay, it's some weird bargaining chip. Either kill Paul or their deaths are on your heads. Wow, really?

You sure you guys don't want to eat? Nothing doing. You just got to crumble cookies. Yeah, I hear those are raw anymore. Has nobody heard of soft bacon this town? Right, so Clausius Lysus sneaks Paul out of the city, since he's technically still a Roman citizen, and sends him to Felix in Caesarea.

But that guy just puts him on trial again. He gets accused by the Jews again, and he waits in prison again. Then he has another trial where he tells the entire story of his life, again, until finally he sets sail to Rome. for his trial before Caesar. Man, Heath, this book is, like, super boring. Yeah, well, that's what happens when there are historical records. Right.

Yeah, got it. All right, you ready to set sail for Rome, Captain? Almost. You sure you don't need help with those bags and stuff? No, no, we've got it, thanks. Okay. Hey, Paul. Paul.

Oh, hey, Angel of the Lord, what are you doing here? Yeah, I just want to let you know not to be afraid. you will have a trial before Caesar. Oh, that's good, I guess. Why would I be afraid? Is something going to happen to the ship? Oh, yeah, big time. But don't worry, you guys are going to be okay.

Oh, okay. Hey, you heard Big Balls got jumped by a gang of Romanian thugs? I mean, I heard it was a 15-year-old. What are you Jewish? Yes. Gross. So sure enough, Paul's ship crashes on Malta. where they meet some friendly natives.

Hey, thanks again for giving us food and shelter natives. Oh, no problem. Ow! Hey, what happened? Oh, no, a snake just jumped out of the woodpile and bit me. Can you believe it? Oh, really? Well, you must be a murderer.

Oh, no, no, I'm... This guy's a murderer being punished by a snake. That's such a specific chain of causation, you drew... Just call like I see it, man. Okay, well, uh, what happens if I don't die? Oh, well, then you've obviously, uh... You're obviously based by gardening. Okay.

And what if there's, you know, no evidence that there are snakes on the island of Malta and that this is very obviously a made-up story? Well, then you're a fucking snitch. Got it, sure. So Paul finally makes it to Rome and is interviewed by the Jewish leaders. Wait, I thought he was going to go see Caesar. Yeah, so do we, man. All right, Paul, you've done four trials.

We're all finally here for you to make your case. before the Roman state about why you shouldn't be executed. Are you ready? Absolutely. Go ahead. Okay. The Holy Spirit told me that you guys all suck. I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, so you're not going to believe me, and you suck, and you're not going to listen, and you're the worst. That's your religion? That is my religion, yes, it is. All right, well, you guys suck isn't technically illegal. So we'll let you stay in the house, I guess, and tell people they suck, which I guess is what you plan on doing. That is, yes, what I'm planning on doing. Cool, man. See you.

You will. I'm going to be around. Man, that whole big book was kind of anticlimactic. Yeah, sorry. It's kind of boring out. Yeah, I guess. But with all the trials and all the stuff at the beginning, what did we actually learn? Well, hit it, Anna. Dear Mr. Theolophis, I'm writing this to you.

It's a sequel to the one I wrote before. Since Jesus being dead and gone, didn't turn out to last that long, he came back for 40 days to tell us more. He told us all to make him proud, and then he poofed off in a cloud, and now we know. for sure He wanted me to ask you Consider being Christian

Consider being Christian Asked me to ask you To scrap the old traditions And go out on a mission Throw out the gods of Greece and rom and all those Egyptian wines

the Holy Ghost is gonna make us speak in tongues shout hallelujah because life is crappy you better listen to these 12 dudes drop everything and follow them a sapi they got some really bunchy platitudes

shout hallelujah give us your money You better put that money in God's hand Don't be like Anonias and Safira Because God'll kill you right there where you stand And clang, clang, clang with the prison cell Where Stephen was held by the king And dang, dang, dang, dang, said the angel As he busted him out of the thing

And bang, bang, bang, bang with the prison cell again But this time for Silas and Paul And sang, sang, sang all the people prisoners as an earthquake freed them all somewhere over jerusalem during the pentacles someone spiked on the punch and blamed it on the holy ghost now ever Everywhere in the world since that day. Christians really believe they're damned if they don't pray to save their friends and relations because Christianity it was the first.

successful pyramid scheme I'm sorry Judy Garland So good, as always from Anna And that's all the blast of me we've got for you tonight But we're back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful movies, debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday, and an even

newer episode of our half-sister show citation needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And don't forget our troglodytic cousin show, D&D minus, dropping twice a month on the first and third Friday after the first Wednesday and something with moons, maybe? I'm not sure. Check it out. It's twice a month. It's a lot of fun. And a big thanks to Don Ford, voice of fantasy neat adventure for Talking the Talk,

to Eli Bosnick for Walking the Walk, and to the Inimitable Anabosnik for Rockin' The Rock with another banger. And of course, a big thanks to all the generous new donors who will receive carefully curated compliments of consonants in the coming castes. If you're feeling generous like those fine people, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist. and it'll get your early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingatheist.com.

You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheast.com. Eli, what's happening in your real life with crumbull cookies. So the problem is I made myself laugh with this bit and then this section of Bible piece theater really became about my inner dialogue. It's entirely about crumble cookies starting now. truly not about acting.

I know, but I love it. I love it. Okay. Our job is weird. This is one way. I also like, like, you know, if you're in the military or if you're like a tech guy, you get, you have those like lingo words and, you know, acronyms and initialisms. Oh, yeah.

I know when I see S.G.J. I'm like, oh, Sassy Gay Jesus. Sassie Gay Jesus. And SHS is Sarah Huckney-B-S-H-B-S-R-H-B-B-S. Yeah. By the way, Heath, that my, I, you saw that message that my wife has supplanted she can no longer remember Sarah Huckabee Sanders' actual voice. It is now always your voice.

Yeah, whenever she talks, I'm like, why is she doing a voice? Love that. She pops up in my life a lot when it has nothing to do with politics. It's just like her vibes will be a character that's happening in life. You see a roller rink and you're like, she's in there. Anne has to interact with Sarah Huckabee Sanders a lot. Anne does pretty well with it. It's pretty cool.

Gail has to interact with so many of my characters all the time. Okay, so I'm going to mute myself and drone on in this Christian stuff. And then Heath, if you can just message me on Facebook when you guys are done with your part. Oh, you're not going to be able to hear us. Right. No, I'll be able to hear you guys. I'm just, I'm going to make sure you can't hear me by muting myself. So I'm not talking over you while you.

Okay, but if you can hear us, I don't need to message you. I can just tell you that we're done. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Because of how ears. That's how technology works. That's true. Yeah.

All right. Eli, first of all, misspelled his own name. I misspelled my own name in this way. But he just forgot the K at the end. I did. And then while he was deciding to like type that back in, he got so distracted by having to put the letter K in there.

And he stumbled. I think you aren't really wrestling with what it's like to realize you've misspelled your own name. The preceding podcast was a production of, Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2025, all rights reserved.