The Scathing Atheist - 662: Roast of the Town Edition

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

In this week’s episode, JD Vance has a theory dumber than his face, he worries about Hinduism and reincarnation as a couch, and Tom and Cecil will be here to do some bad for good. --- To learn more about Vulgarity for Charity, click here: https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/vulgarity-for-charity --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Guest Links: Hear more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance: https://www.dissonancepod.com/ --- Headlines: Our Vice President thinks UFOs could be fallen angels: https://www.christianpost.com/news/jd-vance-marjorie-taylor-greene-suggest-aliens-could-be-angels.html Calls to suicide OK hotline decline sharply after Ryan Walters resigns as education head: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2025/10/calls-to-hotline-decline-sharply-after-christian-conservative-resigns-as-education-head/ Texas Supreme Court says faith-based bigotry by judges doesn't violate ethics rules: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/texas-supreme-court-says-faith-based Floridians realize that funding religious schools also means Muslims: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/florida-republicans-are-furious-that Church puts Auschwitz gate on their Halloween parade float: https://nypost.com/2025/11/01/us-news/pa-church-apologizes-for-halloween-float-featuring-phrase-from-auschwitz-gates-profoundly-offensive/ https://www.facebook.com/groups/715414578632190/permalink/3110025155837775/ JD Vance says he hopes his wife Usha embraces Christianity: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/31/us/politics/usha-jd-vance-christianity-religion-hindu.html https://substack.com/home/post/p-177493075

Warning, this week's episode has all the profanity from last week, plus an extra fuck in the warning. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock, Better Help, and by Vulgarity for Charity, the annual fundraiser where we, quite literally, give a fuck. And now, the scathing atheist. Nothing to promote, have I? Yet in need of a Farnsworth quote, you are. Evolved from filthy monkey men you did.

Believe, done this before No one has. I cannot. It's Thursday. It's Thursday. It's November 6th. And it's the Internet. National Day for preventing the exploitation of the environment in war and armed conflict day.

You need the Lorax to focus up here. Priorities, buddy. Yeah? I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Merrill Streeps, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia. This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, J.D. Vance has a theory d. D. Vance has a theory d. He worries about Hinduism and reincarnation as a couch. I bet he does. And Tom and Cecil will be here to do some bad,

for some good. But first, the diatribe. I've got a friend in Texas who's actually a pretty solid example of how humanism works when humanism works. So at one point in her life, she fell on really hard times and found herself without a home. She was a single mom at the time. So she scraped by for a while there exhausting her friend's couches, sleeping in her car, staying in shelters and just otherwise experiencing the hell of American homelessness.

Now, eventually she was fortunate enough to get two feet under her at the same time. And with the help of some friends, she got her housing situation sorted out and managed to stabilize her life. And when she was comfortable enough to sit back and reflect on it, she realized that the God that she was raised to believe in did fuck all to help when she was at the bottom of her life. What actually helped were the people around her. And when you realize that nobody's coming to save us, but other. uses, you also sort of have to confront your ethical obligation to those usses.

So she started a nonprofit to help unhoused people in her area. And since then, she has dedicated every spare hour of her fucking life to advocating for people who are in the same spot she was in. And she does it from a humanist perspective. She's not out there because God told her to go out there. She's not out there earning saint points that can be redeemed for fun prizes in the afterlife. And, and this one's important, she's not looking down from on a high at anyone.

She's a person who knows how a well-meaning, hardworking person can get fucked enough by circumstances to find themselves outdoors. And she treats them with the same dignity that she found so lacking when she went looking for help. The problem is best exemplified in a story that she told me once. At one point, she'd stayed in this shelter that she ended up living close to. And when she stayed there, she could barely get any sleep because the blankets that they gave were scratchy and uncomfortable and insufficient.

So as soon as she had some surplus money, she went and she bought a few really nice, soft, thick blankets and took them to the shelter to donate. And when she explained the donation, the dude who ran the place turned it down. He explained to her that the blankets were scratchy on purpose, you see. He said something to the equivalent of,

we don't want them to get too comfortable, do we? As though homeless people would choose to remain in shelters indefinitely, if only the blankets were too soft, as though their inherent laziness is so monumental that they would assume having a place of their own that they can control and decorate and feel safe in and invite guests to and settle into if their lives weren't sufficiently belabored by petty and contrived discomforts. Charity is one of Christianity's claims to fame, right? Their religion is all about how you should help the poor and feed the hungry and

clothed the naked and all that shit, which to be clear, Christians routinely ignore. But even when they don't, it's easy to take the religious dictates as burdens rather than obligations. If your help is defined by a shared divinity rather than a shared humanity, it will always tend towards a hierarchy. And hierarchies lead to abuse and neglect and humiliation and scratchy blankets. When you're helping the needy because God commands it, it becomes a thing about you rather than a thing about them. Now, I'm not saying that religious people aren't capable of genuine charity. And I'm not saying that secular charities aren't capable of abusing and neglecting and

dehumanizing the people that they help. What I am saying is that secular charities are inherently better in that they have fewer avenues of abuse that they need to choke off. They're less likely to be started or staffed by people who aren't primarily motivated by the end goal of the charity. I mean, if we passed a law tomorrow, right, they completely ended poverty in America. I feel like all the secular charities dedicated to helping poor people would celebrate that and move their efforts to some other societal ill.

And I feel like a lot of church-run charities would begrudge the loss of their business model. And I guess religious people can call that speculative or dismiss it as bigotry if they want. But the secular volunteer and the secular donor don't start the race with an ulterior motive. And even they have to admit that much, right? They'll argue on and on that religion inspires charity. And even if that was true, it's not. But even if it was true, it would be a black mark on their motives. because people in need should be what inspire your charity.

And if it takes religion for you to do that bare minimum, that's more of a negative about you than a positive about religion. Speaking of which, our annual Vulgarity for Charity Fundraiser is going on now in case you are looking for a way to remind the world of one more thing we don't need a God for. Joining me for headlines tonight are the up, up, down, down, and left, right, left, right to my book.

B.A. Start. He then right and Eli Bosnick. Fellas. Are you ready to cheat? Seriously, my gamer tag is Baba Select Start. That's fantastic. Quite the contrary.

No, you said 30 guys with two players. That's the select. Yeah, okay. While Eli thinks of a better pun, we're going to stop forward from this week's first sponsor, My Sheets Rock. Never! And I told him

those aren't pancakes. Well, I can see the confusion. Can you? Hey, guys, we recording ads. Yeah, man, you're gonna bring your blanket? Psh, blanket. Noah, this is the regulator comforter for My Sheets Rock. What's the regulator comforter from My Sheets Rock? The regulator comforter is made from the same breathable fabric as My Sheets Rock's

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shipping and returns, it's easy to see why. Check out My Sheets Rock at Mysheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's mysheetsrock. dot com slash scathing. Code scathing. All right, Eli, thanks.

I think you're squishing Heath into the wall a bit with your comforter there. Honestly, I don't mind. It feels pretty great. Right? Got used to it. Okay, then. Breathable. There you go. I like being swaddled. And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, normally guy says UFOs are angels and demons duking it out and low earth orbit isn't lead story material, even if that guy happens to be a powerful politician. But when that guy has a heartbeat away from the presidency and that presidential heart is more clogged with cow than a cul-cutter rush hour, it suddenly becomes really important for us to talk about it. So yeah, quick reminder, our couch fucker-in-chief is a self-described UFO lunatic who has recently doubled down on his public comments that those UFOs might be angels or demons. He's not sure. Yeah.

And what's really funny is the fact that he hasn't taken a side on that means that the angels slash demons folks on either side of that argument are mad at him. Right. He's not winning. Yeah. They're mad about their absurd argument and also about J.D. Vance maybe being on their team. Like, you know, the end of a dodge ball draft.

No, we'll take no, but you have Jadies on your team. So these latest comments came on a podcast called Pod Force One, wherein job description, Vance was chatting about his ongoing efforts to get to the bottom of the UAP phenomenon. It doesn't become Pod Force One until Vice President shows up for the podcast. Damn right. That's right, yeah. And during the discussion, the second in command of the whole fucking country said, quote, is it aliens or is it our guardians?

angel or is it aliens or is it a not so guardian force that doesn't care about us or in fact actively wishes us harm i don't know the answer to that question end quote me but but you should chance because the answers just no right all of those these are no and they are person woman man camera tv levels of easy questions okay isn't the whole point of religion to give you easy answers to hard questions. What are you in this for, J.D., the song? Okay, heaven is up, right? Like up from America, spacing.

Also, up. So those are definitely angels or demons. But they don't really do any angling or demon. We'll figure out. We'll figure it out. Yeah, right. We'll call the Air Force to figure it out. And by the way, if anybody was holding out the image of Vance just wandering around

an otherwise serious room in his tinfoil hat looking for aliens with a butterfly net. Think again, he is not the only high-ranking UFO nutter in the government. In the same interview, he outed both Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard and Director of Pretty Much Everything Else, Marco Rubio, as fellow UFO nutters.

Ugh, worst blunt rotation. Oh, my God, right? Hey, you guys think we have Guardian Angels? I want to kill myself. Yeah, I want that too. Hey, Marco, you're fucking up. You say that every time. It's all you ever say.

I think it's your email signature. Just fucking do it. Just do it. And look, there's a part of me that holds out hope that Vance promoting this shit is just a cynical ploy to keep his supporters chasing conspiracy theories while he finishes fucking democracy to death. Like it was a well-oiled leather sectional. But when that's what you hope, you are three exits past worst-case scenario and you're still driving. And in Suicide Hot Ryan news. Thank you.

So stupid. When Oklahoma... Don't thank us, man. Don't thank us. It's so stretchy. It's crazy. When Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, resigned at the end of September, I admit, I may have focused overly on the loss it meant for me personally.

No more would I reliably have at least once. story a week of Rai Rai tripping over his own balls and falling into a vat of somehow gay pudding. Gone was my excuse to list his cavalcade of failures like so many Ben Shapiro's being told a wet vagina was a disease by his wife. Perhaps I should have been focused a wee bit more on the positives for Ryan's nearly endless list of enemies who would no longer live in fear of Ryan's next decree, however unconstitutional. Yeah, and for whatever it's worth, he's still tripping over us balls into gay pudding. We're just not hearing about it

because he's not in the public sector anymore. Exactly. He's doing it privately. Yeah. We just put a vat of pudding there. The ball tripping, that was all Ryan. That's not, we just did the pudding. Yeah, exactly. It's a great Truman show.

We're running. It's fun. 100%. And we got some fantastic evidence of that good news this week as the Rainbow Youth Project, a group that operates a national crisis hotline for LGBTQ youth, said calls from Oklahoma have declined

by 36% since Ryan Walters left office. Jesus fucking pressure. Hey, live your life in such a way that you're not the reason for 36% of LGBTQ suicide attempts. That seems like such a low bar to clear, right? Yeah, sure does. So is not stepping on balls next to that vat.

Here we are and there we weren't. It's true. Right. So first off, big thanks to Nicholas for sending us this story to Skathing News at gmail.com for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com. You may call upon Crunch Biggins to attend the lower management conference of your choice

where he will give an 11-minute presentation on sales to a room of no more than 300 people. Skathing News at Gmail.com. No way you pull off Crunch Biggins for 11 full minutes. Yeah, I know my voice dies after like 48 seconds. Hey, Crunch, what are your thoughts on Shakespeare? Do you have any show of thoughts about that? Good. Good.

Now, if you're new around here, Ryan Walters sucks. He sucks and he's a homophobe and he got caught watching porn in his office and blamed the commercials on his smart TV. But everyone knows he was lying. I'd list the other stuff he did, but kind of called myself out for it in the intro. Not this weird. For what it's worth, it always felt weird to me, man. That was padding. No, I was padding, damn it.

But as I mentioned at the top, he did quit to work full-time for the anti-teachers union group. He was already working for while superintendent of public education. As I said, people are way less afraid and way less interested in dying as a result of this guy going away. I bet as he sits there thinking about how much nicer the porn was in his old office, Ryan Walters is more interested in dying. I bet he is. Yeah, can confirm. He looks very sad on our life.

Every time he gets out of that pudding, he looks a little sadder than the last time, yeah. He does. So the aforementioned Rainbow Youth Project received 1,431 monthly calls from Oakland. between March 2024 and September 2025, but has only received 914 calls since Walter's resignation on September 25th. And lest you think it's a coincidence, you know, because everything else is going so great. Maybe it's that.

The organization said that 64% of Oklahomaan callers identified Walters as a source of distress when he was still in office, adding, quote, the relief expressed by callers is palpable, and we are grateful for the positive. of impact his departure has had on the mental well-being of our community, end quote. Holy fight. So running Ryan Walters out of office will eventually tie with puberty blockers in terms of preventing trans suicides. Rightly, that's a hell of a legacy. Yeah. Also, he's

being sued for wrongful termination by a teacher who very clearly got fired for acknowledging LGBT existence and mentioning that white people did some bad stuff in American history a little bit. So something to look forward to. At least we'll see what he trips over in court and how he gets caught watching porn in court. I'm going to guess Bluetooth speaker mix-up. Okay. Yeah, 100%.

And look, I'm planting a Bluetooth speaker. Yes, exactly. And look, I mentioned this not just to once again celebrate Ryan's abject failure, although that is a pleasant bonus. I mention it because in times as bad as these, it can be easy to look at anything but absolute victory as

pointless. Ryan Walters isn't Donald Trump and he's not in jail or being eaten eternally with ever-regrowing flesh by Wolverines like that genie promised me. But he is gone and the harm he was doing has been paused and that is literally

saving the lives of young people. And that will never be pointless. Amen. And in clanti-disestablishment Tarianism news, Fantastic.

We have a story about a battle over state support for an established church, and it happened in Texas, so Clantite is established. The Supreme Court of Texas made it perfectly legal for judges in the state to do all the bigotry they want, as long as it's religion-based. And religion is made up, so they can do all the bigotry they want, end of sentence. Specifically, any judge can refuse to perform same-sex marriages on religious grounds. Also, that bigotry does not count as as bigotry. So those judges would continue being fully qualified to hear cases involving the people against whom they did passive aggressive hate crimes. Yeah, including hate crime cases. But hey, don't worry, black people can go to the diners that choose to be miscegenated.

The free hand of the market's going to work itself out here. Don't worry. Okay, but hey, look at it this way. If you're a gay person and you're about to get sentenced by one of these judges, all you have to do is, start getting married right as they're about to read the verdict and then they'll run away. It's a nice, you have to nail the timing, but it's a nice loop. It's a good play.

And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story at the friendly atheist blog and unpacking it for us. Hemet gets me moving on before Eli talks. So you might be thinking this was a big landmark ruling in a lawsuit that made its way through the Texas court system. It was not. The new Bigot policy was just a single sentence. added by the court to their code of conduct because they just felt like it.

And it wasn't even part of the main text of the code of conduct. They added one sentence to the comment section. It's under Canon 4, which gives basic guidelines for judges to avoid conflicts of interests. After the guidelines, it now says, comment, it is not a violation for a judge to publicly refrain from performing a wedding ceremony based upon a sincerely held religious belief. Sub comment. How do they know which one is the boy? Yeah, Rachel, we declare ourselves to be ethical and not bigots. That's nifty.

Yeah, nailed it, declared it. So the important question is, who are we blaming? Sure. Of course, you have every single Christian right bigot across the state and across the country. But if you want to zero in, it's Texas Justice of the Peace, Diane Hensley, who engineered the whole thing. Just like Kim Davis, Diane refused to do her fucking job. and would only marry opposite-sex couples. That led to a very stern warning from the Texas Commission on Judicial Conduct.

Despite just basic logic, Diane didn't get fired, and they had someone else do all the weddings. But Diane did get a weekly worded letter about maybe if she gets a chance not doing so much bigotry when she gets a chance. And that's persecution. So Diane sued the commission seriously. and she demanded $10,000 in damages because that's what she could have made if they let her do only her bigotry-selected weddings

for, you know, proper Christians. Also, they kept taking down my no Irish or dog sign at the front of the court room and I want a new one. I will say nobody's surprised that Texas is leading the country in ability to sue other people

for you being a bigot. Here's the reasoning from Diane's legal team. They argued that the only official types of bigotry recognized in Texas are race, national origin, and religion. And those are begrudging recognitions at best. Yeah. Therefore, discrimination against same-sex couples is totally fine. Her initial case got thrown out on, well, on technicalities, not for being stupid and evil. But eventually, her appeals got her to the state Supreme Court.

Another Christian bigot, a state judge, also filed a similar case that was on its way to the High Court as well. But rather than actually make a ruling, the Texas Supreme Court just added that one sentence comment to their code of conduct. And now it's not even clear that racial discrimination or any other bigotry by state officials would be illegal if they called, you know, sincerely held on my base. It's the rule now. It's a comment. No, I think our best indicator is whether Clarence will be allowed to eat at the same lunch table as the Texas Supreme Court if you ever comes to visit. Can we get some eyes on that? Look, I've heard a bunch of them refer to gayness as a religion in the past.

Can we just make that official, right? Seems to me the only way you can get any fucking rights in this country. That'll do it. And on that note, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's other sponsor, BetterHelp. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, everybody, you got your Christmas lists? We sure do. Let me know if you don't recognize any of these consoles.

And mine is pronounced FIFA. FIFA. No, I got it. Guys, I'm seeing a lot of gifts here, but you're both missing something. We are? Is it FIFA? No, your whole list is FIFA, man. You're missing therapy. Therapy? For the holidays? That's right, guys. While the holidays are a ton of fun for some people,

it can also mean extra stress, family drama, and the return of the winter blues. Oh, yeah. I guess that's true. And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, you should consider online therapy from BetterHelp. What's BetterHelp? BetterHelp does the initial match? work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with

your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. All right, Eli, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash scathing. That's BetterHELP.com slash scathing. All right, Eli, thanks. You know, Heath, there are other games you could try. You mean like, like other FIFA games? No. Oh, then no. Also. Just FIFA. Just FIFA. Okay. And we're back next up in headlines in somehow they still don't hear it news. tonight. After winning a decades-long campaign to siphon tax dollars into religious schools through

voucher programs and a fictional commitment to school choice, Republicans in Florida are freaking the fuck out because some of those schools turned out not to be Christian. You see, of the nearly 2,000 religious schools that are receiving taxpayer subsidies in the state, nearly two whole dozen are Islamic. And that's 1.2 percent too many, God damn it. So the literal attorney general of the fucking state is now threatening to choke off those funds because teaching kids non-Christian religions is terrorism. And not that kind of religious freedom. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. It's probably really close to that. We're getting an attorney general being like, come on. Yeah. You know what word. Don't make me say out that word. You know what's happening here.

Yeah. Now, it's important to note that Florida's voucher program has been in operation for decades. It was originally sold as and used as a means of ensuring that economically disadvantaged kids with disabilities could get access to private schools able to accommodate their needs. But Republicans saw a pile of money set aside for poor kids in wheelchairs and they were like, I want some. So in 2023, they expanded the program to allow anybody who's so desired to yank their kids out of real schools and put them into religious ones on the taxpayers' dime. Many of those schools, which of course have anti-LGBQ policies

or sexist policies that would be illegal in public schools, which is, of course, the point. When I enrolled my child in leopard school for face eating, it was because I heard they had a great college counseling program and that is all. I'm a, they're letting Muslims go to leopard school? I'm very angry and confused because my thing don't make sense. Yeah, right. See, as many on the side of church, state separation pointed out at the time, opening this door to Christian schools also opens it to other religions that they're not as fond of. and many of us naively believed that that would ultimately serve as some sort of disincentive for the whole concept of diverting public schools money into religious schools.

But of course, the Christian nationalist solution doesn't take any kind of fairness into account and never has. So they're now calling for laws that specifically ban schools that teach Sharia law. Yeah, and we're getting rid of those Arabic numerals and math, too. I heard they were doing that. Yeah. So in a tweet about this smattering of Islamic school, State Attorney General James Uthmeyer said, quote,

Sharia law seeks to destroy and supplant the pillars of a Republican form of government and is incompatible with the Western tradition. The use of taxpayer-funded school vouchers to promote Sharia law likely contravenes Florida law and undermines national security, end quote. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a selfie to take while I take a shit on Nancy Pelosi's death. Yes. I will fall into it. I don't care in her face.

So, yeah, so importantly, these Islamic schools also mostly suck, right? They mostly have the same anti-LGB policies that the worst of the Christian schools have. And some of them require female students to wear hijabs. And in many ways, the AG is correct, right? We don't want taxpayer dollars funding religious teachings that undermine our form of government and any sane interpretation of the First Amendment would suggest that that would be illegal. But we don't have a sane interpretation. we have the Roberts Court's interpretation,

and that means they have to give money to all the fucking religions until they come up with a new long-standing legal tradition to exclude those and give Christianity more officially encoded privilege. You have to wait. Yeah, you got to wait for it.

And in Hala what news? A Catholic school in Pennsylvania is in hot water after their Halloween parade float included a spooky graveyard, a bright green jute box, and the gates of them. of Auschwitz concentration cap. Huh. So yeah, we're going to talk

about it. Good. Good. Because what the fuck does a bright green jukebox have to do with Halloween? Thank you, Eli. Okay. And what's the appropriate jukebox music for that float? What the fuck are they going to do with that?

The producers? Yeah. Autumn time for Hitler. Jesus Christ. Yeah, pin in that. So first off, big thanks to Cal for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com. Cal, we'll explain to you why the Holocaust was bad if you need us to. Apparently, that's a way more in-demand service than we thought, so that's what you get. Again, that's scathing news at gmail.com, your one-stop shop for history lessons we should

absolutely not need to be giving. I think MTV was 47 years old when she learned about the Holocaust. Yeah, by my math. Yeah. So here's what happened. St. Joseph Catholic School in Hanover, Pennsylvania entered the town's Halloween parade with what they described as a spooky haunted archway. Well, it was spooky. Uh-huh. And when their light up arch didn't arrive in time, the floats designer, who I can only assume had just been concussed by a history book, decided to slap together a homemade

replica of the Auschwitz gate. Hey, hey, hey, I know you have more, but just, I'm so flagging bad now. Go ahead. Yep, yep. Complete with Arbitt Mach Frey across the top. Yikes. In a Halloween parade with children, pumpkins, and I cannot emphasize this enough,

a bright green jukebox blasting the hits of the 50s and 60s underneath it. Withdrawn. Sorry, stupid question. So, okay, so clearly this guy already owned a mockup of the Auschwitz gate for personal reasons, or he wouldn't have added the slogan, right? So you've got to imagine there was a moment where everybody's in this room at this meeting going, damn it, if only somebody had a spooky gate, and he's just sitting deeper and deeper into his chair.

Don't say Auschwitz. Don't say Auschwitz, Gate. I have one. Fuck. I have one. Now, in their defense, the school insists there's no ill intent here. Yeah, never believe a Catholic institution when they say that about a Holocaust-related thing, guys.

Never. Yeah. They say the archway was borrowed from another school project and that people just didn't realize what it was. Cool. But that actually raised the much bigger issue of why did no one at the school recognized the literal gase of Auschwitz or, I don't know, Google the German phrase that was on top of the gate before slapping it on a parade float.

I have so many follow-up. What I think probably happened is that they did Google that and a bunch of Catholic soccer moms were just going like, work makes you free? Well, that's a lovely sentiment is. All right, kids. Anyway, take off your Adidas cleats and hop in the Mercedes-Benz SUV to drive home.

Yeah, exactly. Fuck. So naturally, the Roman Catholic Diocese, Southern person from Pennsylvania, I don't know, you guys survive. Yeah, exactly. Naturally, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg had to wade in with the world's most obvious apology

calling the imagery, quote, profoundly offensive and unacceptable, end quote, which it is, but it's also something that maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, you could have figured out before it rolled down Main Street behind a Girl Scout. Sorry, guys, we'll try in the future to decorate with stuff from genocides. We are less directly involved in.

It's very, shouldn't bring this one out. But here's the best part. They have promised to, in the future, work with Jewish organizations and review the float approval process. Which I assume means have a float approval process. Well, sure, clearly, yeah. do like that they're just involving a Jewish organization from now on. Hey, guys, it doesn't have to be a Jewish organization. Like, you could contact me and I'd be like, don't do that.

There you go. No, no, we already asked Greg, he was our SJW and he said that reusing the gate was recycling. But all of this, it doesn't undo the fact that in 2025, a school managed to trip over its own historical ignorance and land face first into one of the darkest chapters of human suffering. to a techno remix of the monster match. You know what I'm saying? Awkward. Very awkward. And finally tonight.

In Vance Vance Revolution News, as we learned at the top, Vice President Jan Stance Vance is pretty sure that UFOs are actually fallen angels or demons or something. And I think we'd all love it if he stuck to his areas of relative expertise like space traveling angels or demons.

Sadly, that was not the case this way. week as people let him speak into a microphone on two other topics. J.D. gave us an update on the situation in Springfield, Ohio, where they were eating the cats and dogs last year, according to his account. And we also learned from J.D. that his wife, second lady, Ushavans, is going to hell for being a heathen unless she repents. Ted Cruz having to admit his wife is ugly. Turns to J.D. first time. No, it's just making room for Erica, right? Putting the diva and diva and Devon over there, I think so. And a big thanks to Chad

for sending us a link to Skating News at gmail.com. Chad gets a boop. Boop. So I'll start with Springfield, Ohio. This one was also from the appearance on Pod Force One. I guess it'd be Podforce 2 when Jady shows up. Should be, yeah. Pod Force 2, run by

our journalism colleagues over at the New York Post, and hosted by Miranda Divine. So J.D. and Miranda got into the same room. There was a big flash from the bigotry event horizon. Happens. And they started talking about the problems with all these immigrants, naturally.

Just for context, Miranda Devine was born in New York to non-American parents. And she's lived in Japan, Australia, and the U.S. She is white, by the way. And so is Jan's dance. Not sure if that matters. Oh, it matters. It matters. Either way. They discussed the real estate situation in Springfield, Ohio. According to J.D., the Haitian immigrants are driving up rent prices by paying rent for places to live.

And yes, that's exactly how buying and selling stuff works. Yeah, sure does. More buying or renting can make the price go up for stuff that you're buying or renting. But J.D. is mad because he's pretty sure these Haitian people are paying like $4,000 a month for a three-bedroom house that used to only be getting $1,000 a month from a family of five. The Haitian people are moving in like 20 people into the house, and they speak another language sometimes, and, well, no other salient differences other than the things I just said. J.D. said, exact quote, it is totally reasonable and acceptable for American citizens to look at their

next-door neighbors and say, I want to live next to people who have something in common with. I don't want to live next to four families of strangers. No, no, it is. My wife takes the tape line I put down the center of our bed very seriously. There is no difference between that quote and it is totally reasonable and acceptable for American citizens to be racist except the word count. Right? Just describing what racism looks like. That was a synonym.

Yep. Also, someone has to be my neighbor, J.D., who's going to be my neighbor. neighbor. And just a quick fact check from Robin Pinocchio over at Wanket. Couldn't find a single rental in Springfield going for more than $1,800. And almost all of them are about $1,000 a month, just like J.D. claimed they used to be. The Haitian. And a quick fact check from me, I found so many recent pictures of very much alive cats and dogs in Springfield.

So I think J.D. Vance was lying. I think he might be a liar. And that brings us to the eternal soul of his wife, Ushivance, who was raised by a Hindu family. The topic came up while J.D. was doing an event at the University of Mississippi last week, organized by Turning Point USA to honor some fucking dead guy. I don't know. So J.D. got a question from the audience.

And based on the response from J.D., I'm guessing it was one of those more of a statement than a question scenarios. Somebody said, approximately, your wife is the wrong religion I'm done with my question you go now and JD said quote

do I hope eventually that Usha is somehow moved by the same thing that I was moved by in church yeah I honestly do wish that because I believe in the Christian gospel

and I hope eventually my wife comes to see it the same way honestly she wasn't the kind of Ottoman I was hoping to end up with you know what I mean So the Ottoman Empire is like 1,700 miles from India and famously not real Hindu, but that joke is so good I'm willing to look the other way.

Thank you. So this all means one of two things is true. Either J.D. Vance actually believes that his wife is currently headed to an eternal lake of fire when she dies, the mother of his children, and they have insane vibes at every moment of their lives together because of that.

You would have to. Or he's a liar and doesn't actually believe his religion. And everything that's described by religious people as their sincerely held belief is nothing because it's not. I'm pretty sure I know which one it is,

but either way is fucking terrible. You picturing their dinner table is just quiet, clinking, and finally after 10 minutes of silence, JD's like, Are you mad? I said, I thought you were going to hell? Yes. You're mad, I said.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm mad about. You're mad, okay. And while we all wonder what Ushah makes him sleep on when she's mad, we're going to wrap up the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. And when we come back, there will be more middle-aged, mediocre white guys here. Together will. One of my favorite things about living.

living in New York City. It was watching tourists ask New Yorkers for directions and then wincing every time the very polite, very helpful New Yorker said fuck in front of their eight-year-old. Well, if you ever wondered what that interaction would look like if it was a charity drive, I'd love to present to you vulgarity for charity. The fundraiser is underway. There are links in the show notes and it's time to get to some fucking intel.

Well, not quite time yet. First, I need to welcome back to Renan Stimpy to R3 Stoge's Cognitive Dissons, his very own, Tom and Cecil. Tom and Cecil, welcome back. And I wish I was as highbrow as the Three Stooges. God, you guys, you just have such inspirations. All I'm going to think about all day is if I'm Ren or Stimpy, I don't know. Yeah, right?

I was trying to be out of what you are. I don't even remember which. You're the one without a neck, Tom. Okay. All right. That solves it. That solves it. Yep.

There you go. There you go. So, okay, so this year we're going to be roasting the requests of our, well, each other, but then we're going to start roasting the request of our top 50 donors, as well as 50 donors chosen at. random. We're going to be taking care of the first batch of those tonight. But before we begin, we need to thank our favorite flavor of donor. That's the ones that give us money and ask nothing in return. So big thanks to Kimberly, who gave us $100 out of the kindness of her heart.

And an even bigger thanks to Michael Dempsey, who gave us $1,000 just to prove his heart is 10 times the size of Kimberly. Jesus. Okay. In her fucking face. Exactly. And then a thanks square in between the two to Sally who gave us $500 with no roast request. Your heart is medium, which is no as doctor will tell you is preferable. That's ideal. That's not square

in between $100,000 and $5.50. Eli, this first roast is for you. Tom, no, not that Tom, gave us $50 for you to roast his transphobic sister. Ooh, all right. Well, Angela looks like the Karen of the Sturgis motorcycle rally or jeans. Like she approaches people at the

picnic grounds to tell them they have to pick up their Jankham containers before they leave. Excellent start. All right, Cecil, I've got one for you. Branded the show, Kelly Burke would like a roast of the owner of the worst team in football, Woody Johnson. Robert Wood Johnson somehow downgraded the Jets

so many times. They have a longer playoff drought than the fucking Chicago Bears. You're right? The last time they had a playoff game, Barocco, Bob. was the president during his first turn the last time they were in a Super Bowl, the Colts were in Baltimore. Now, this also makes sense why he donates so much more money to Republicans to try to turn

the clock back 60 years. Oh, there is sense now. What's a shot at the title? Make the Jets great again. Absolutely. He's done more to stab the Jets in the back than a 70-year-old man trying to defend himself against Mark Sanchez during a lot of parking spot in Indianapolis. While Mark is drunk.

Coincidentally, that was the Jets QB the last time. They were in the playoffs. Yeah, yeah, the butt fumble guy was the last. That's right. I'm team Mark Sanchez in that fight. I think he was in the right. And speaking of football, this next one's for you.

Patrick gave us $100 for you to roast geriatric woo merchant and quarterback Aaron Rogers. I hope you can find something to make fun of. Good pick. Okay. Aaron Rogers. joined the Jets in 2023. He got paid

$36.9 million that year. During the season, he was actually on the field for a total of four plays that took about 40 seconds. That's about

$3.3 billion an hour. While being paid that wage on his fourth play of the very new season, the very first time that someone from the other team physically touched him in any way.

His entire leg exploded and he was out for the year. This was opening day against the Buffalo Bills and Aaron Rogers was the most disappointing jet on September 11th in New York City history.

It was played on September 11th of 2023. That's right. Also, he is a 9-11 truther. He's an anti-vaxxer. He's a big fan of Atlas shrugged. And he tried to heal his exploded leg by swimming near dolphins while they're fucking

and getting all the healing energy from the noises. Of course, that didn't work because Aaron was fucking up the vibes with the dolphins, so it wasn't normal fucking noises. So, Aaron, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

As you know, that means fuck your face. Excellent job, excellent job. All right, Noah, this next one's for you. Vincent tossed us 100 cool ones for you to roast Danielle Smith. I almost feel sorry for Daniel Smith. She is a Class A piece of shit, but she's being treated like a Class C piece of shit because she plays in the Canadian League. But this lady could take on Marjorie Taylor Green or Lauren Bobart in the insanely

shitty conservative politician deathmatch that I would sponsor the fuck out of. This is a person who compared vaccine mandates to the Holocaust, openly interferes with ongoing criminal trials of our allies and blamed stage four cancer patients for their cancer. Jesus Christ. Yeah, this is the biggest insult I can muster for pretty much anybody. She's one puppy murder away from a position in the Trump cabinet. So, okay, so Tom, I think everybody's been waiting all goddamn year for a Tom roast,

and I hope you've been saving up your spite for Vice Rhinos Partners X. Troy. All right, let's see. Troy knows he isn't cutting it. He knows it in every fiber of the very being he is and despises, and he knows it every day. Troy insists on foisting podcast, bro, hyper narrow masculinity tropes on his kids because he sees himself not as a man, but as a failed man, as a man who daily wakes up and feels his inadequacy and worse, understands he is powerless to change himself enough to ever earn his own approval.

Troy is one of those dickless, feckless, self-cucking dipshits who not only does believe, but has to believe, that what it means to be a man must be a set of simple answers, a series of arbitrary and mostly meaninglessly aesthetic rules, because he also knows in the hollowness of his broken self, he knows that if strength weren't sold to him as tacticole, tungsten, and camo, gear patrol, infrared sauna bullshit, he would have. have to confront the inevitable smallness of who he knows he is. He wants to define a world where he can buy and clothe himself in manliness so that he never has to think about all the ways he fails because those ways are legion and they are cellular and he cannot be repaired to be made whole. And as the world moves and drifts and redefines and expands as it always has done, what being a man means Troy's world will grow smaller and narrower and lonelier

and he will not be left behind but forgotten even as he screams and stomps his foot and shakes his fist at the sky, all that will ever echo back to him will be the sound of his own inevitable and perfect solitude. I missed it so much. Right?

I know. Right. Welcome back. All right, Heath, I got another one for you here. Denise would like a roast of her abusive stepdad Daniel. Okay, here's a few of the actual bullet points we got about Daniel. He's a libertarian Republican. Gross. He attended Trump's inauguration

this year. He went to the official premiere of the film Atlas Shrug. Fuck yeah. Hosted by Neil Borz. Who the fuck is that? Some radio guy, libertarian piece of shit. I don't know. Like cheap, rush limbaugh, cheap version.

He was a chiropractor. Daniel was. And he got his so-called degree from Life University. Shut up. I'm pretty sure that's the safety school. If you can't get accepted at the School of Hard Knocks. He's unironically fascinated by techniques of wrist control. Of course he is. As part of his, yes, of course.

As part of his abuse career, Daniel instigated a fight with Denise in 2009. Denise won that fight. Fuck, yes, shit. Despite the wrist control. It's because she wouldn't go back and go, cute before attack. He asked her super nice to. Well, it's because she didn't come at him like this, right?

You didn't do it like this. Told you the way to do it. She did. Up to down. Up to down. So, ever since losing that fight in 2009, Daniel's been taking classes in ninjitsu. Yeah.

Apparently he's opening to win a rematch using, you know, stealth, sabotage, and smoke bombs. Denise, I don't want to ever expose anyone to a toxic former parent, but I do need you to go beat this man up in his two-toed socks once a year. Like, do it at Arbor Day as like a yearly thing. Just stop by and see the phone. Two-toed socks. Kick your dad's ass while his wolf pack smoke bombs don't go on.

He's half up the tree with his climbing claws, you know? You just grab him right out of there. He falls asleep. He's like, oh, shit, these were the slug socks. I shouldn't have. Pass me the bag of smoke bombs again. Pass the bag. Will help?

Shuriken. Shuriken. So just out of curiosity, I told Chat GPT, make the about me page for the most face punchable human. It just forwarded Denise's email about Daniel and gave me a link to buy twisted tea. So that's true. And I put a picture of him in here. It's so punchable. It's the most punchable.

It is. Looks like somebody threw a face on the thumb. The lines on the side of his head. Denise was like, he looks like a toe. Yes. And he looks like a really nice gardening company has edged his existence so that he flows directly into his shoulder. All right.

So, Eli, I got a weird one here for you. So Taylor would like you to roast the homicidal head of DHS Christy Nome as Carl the Pega Pagicorn. But Joshua would like you to do the same as senior pets. Do you feel like you're up to the challenge? Absolutely. 100%. All right.

Hey, everybody, it's me, Carl. I got to admit, I never thought I'd hear about a person whose worst quality wasn't killing a dog, but somehow she's done it. Just said it, Carl. I hope that whatever beautiful woman she's a portrait of is having a fantastic career as a foot model with Christy Gnome's face.

You said it, Senior Pets. Christy Gnome looks like a Tar-Trip experiment is going to hell where it belongs. But I will say this for her. As a strong defender of Turkey, she has set an example for all the world to know. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Senior Pets. That will do. Teach the controversy.

No. Fantastic. All right. No, this next one is for you. Andrew wants you to roast a variety of evil. Andrews. Yeah. So the Andrews that he offered were Andrew Jackson, Andrew Wakefield, Andrew Tate, and Prince Andrew, and then asked me to roast my least favorite. Oh, oh, I have another one.

Yeah. Yeah. That's another one. Holy shit is that hard. So, but I have to go with the genocidal one. So not Andrew Wakefield, the more of genocidal one. I was going to say, I need you to be more specific. Yeah.

It's a toss-up, really. I mean. Yeah, but Andrew Jackson somehow was bad, like, for a genocidal slaveholder, by the standards. of genocidal slaveholder. And for an Andrew, right? Which, as we can see, it's pretty impressive. That is saying quite a lot. And also, like, in every portrait ever made of the man,

he looks like he's trying to figure out how he's going to explain that smell to the rest of the people in the car. They didn't have cars back then. And he was already doing that. He walks on to the genocidal slaveholder bus and she's like, seats taken. Yeah, right, yeah.

All right, see, so Jacob gave us $75 for you to roast right-wingers who are excited to date, A. Kroc's AI animated companion. This is terrifying. You know, thanks, Jacob. I was wandering through life thinking about, you know, ecological collapse, rampant global warming, transformation of American politics to unadulterated fashion.

I had no idea what this was until you made me fucking looking up. It's an app for your phone that is a sexualized anime character that you can chat with. And Annie looks like a very young teenager. And it fucking only talks in moaning whispers. I'm out. Okay? And yeah, Tom, I fucking tapped out too. I broke my phone.

I need a new one. Okay, well, the last part made it confusing. I was out for sure before that. The whispers I liked. Look, if you want real unfiltered existential anxiety, just watch a single fucking video with this horrifying simulacrum. the animated wifu will come on to you no matter what you talk about you could talk about a fucking PowerPoint presentation like so powerpoint presentations turn me on sounds like fucking schmeagle

it's terrible and even it even comes down to you even if you explicitly say you're a child it will still keep coming oh my god i would rather book a flight on the event horizon airlines Visit this part of our reality again. I can only hope that during the impending apocalypse, someone asks Annie for the best way to skin its developers. That's all I can hope. There you go. All right.

And Tom, Flynn would like a roast of the Burke family. All right. So I had actually never heard of the Burke family before. I had to look it up. But according to the roast request, quote, despite their clear academic intelligence, they insist on being spiteful, hateful, vicious bigots. And look, while I get that, I have to contend here that there's a

contradiction in terms we have to acknowledge. What is the point of academia, but to learn how to learn? Surely at this point in our technological moment, housing information is less and less important than knowing how to interact with information in honest and intellectually rigorous ways. Academia is window dressing, if it cannot at least do this much. And so when any person lives an intentional life covered in the trappings of academia and weaponizing its language to support bigoted, narrow-minded bullshit. They've already failed the most basic prerequisite. Here, here.

They are not bigots despite their academic rigor. That's actually impossible. They are clothed in the veneer of academia to launder their bigotry. Remember what history will, that these emperors are naked, all of them, and we know it, and we see it, and their soft, unfuckable shitty bodies. are as repellent and bland as their boring, recycled, humdrum regurgitations. They pretend our ideas. Awesome.

All right, Cesar, we'll start this next one with you. Christopher would like a roast of tricky, Trekkie Alec Peters. Okay, evidently, this guy crowdfunded over a million dollars to make some kind of Star Trek movie and then basically never made anything after getting into a copyright decision. with the fucking owners of the IP. Oh, who could have seen that coming? What kind of asshole raises a bunch of money for something and then spends it on himself? I mean, did this guy go to a bunch of dinners at Per se and run a charity in New York?

Oh, like, what is happening? Innocent until proven guilty. He pled guilty in August. Innocent until sentenced. And Eli, Scott would like a roast of pancreatic cancer. Jesus Christ. Jesus. What if we're pro?

That makes it awkward. That's true. This is a tough one for us. Okay, look, pancreatic cancer is the gerrymandering of the medical profession. They're just like, oh, yeah, no, that sucks. But we have given up, and there is nothing we can do. My pancreas is killing me. I haven't thought about my pancreas since I mislabeled it in anatomy in seventh grade and got a D.

And now it's killing me? This is like the electoral college of organs. And similarly, I feel like Florida is the only reason we aren't getting rid of it. Okay, Noah, this next one's for you. Cass would like a roast of West Streeting. Yeah, a lot of foreign politicians that I've had to read long Wikipedia articles about on this way. That's fun. So, yeah, so West Streeting is the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care in the UK, I think is the official title.

And his campaign slogan might as well be, didn't you hear it's okay to hate trans people again? he's the chief force behind the effort to ban puberty blockers from the NHS and he claims that he's doing this based on clinical advice which to be fair to him I'm sure like that's all the advice he's getting what with the way he's too much of a fucking coward

to meet with trans rights groups and he has him escorted out of his Q&As when they speak up also he looks like David Cameron is trying to wear Michael Marshall to get by guards or something but he didn't stretch Michael out properly he doesn't fit into Michael Marshall

he got Michael Marshall he got Michael Marshall and he was like, shit, I should have gone for a large. I didn't realize the media. So the medium is different. I should have gone for an Andy Wilson. Yeah. Oh, no. All right. They got one for you. Lilith would like a roast of toxic gamers.

Okay, here's how I know, the God of the Bible is not real. It's the toxic gamers. If there was a medium-sized flood right now, like a biblical medium flood, just enough to like hit the ground floor of every house. Just filling up the basement and that's it.

the entire online gaming community becomes way less toxic that day. And then, you know, it's like a little bit, it's a little bit of cleanup, you get the pump going in the fan or whatever. And then a whole bunch of, you know, so-called grieving parents, but not really. They get to make the fuck dungeon they always wanted in that basement. And they don't have to make hot pockets for their piece of shit kid who lives in their basement. It's a win, win, win, win. But alas, God is dead.

Alas. Proved atheism once again. And Tom, Patrick would like a roast of his MAGA brother-in-law, Austin. Okay, look, Austin flies a MAGA flag. I want you to stop a moment and consider what kind of brain injury you would need to sustain in order for your personality to be so thoroughly decimated, so completely wiped clean that your entire identity becomes subsumed into a black hole of geriatric hero worship so complete it can be summed up with a fucking.

flag. Like, imagine how little of you must remain, how much of your truest, most essential self would need to be utterly wiped from the face of the earth forever. How many careless ice picks through your frontal lobe you would need to endure before your personality could be contained by a banner supporting a kavifi-fi-fi hero? How small and inconsequential your own thoughts would have to become before they could be replaced by a man who confuses an eye. Q test with a degenerative cognitive function screening.

Like, imagine the possibility of even surviving that level of brain damage and still managing to propel yourself through the world of your own accord and volition. I mean, perhaps we should not be roasting Austin at all, but contributing to his GoFundMe. Now, fuck that. And fuck you, Austin, and fuck all your flag waving dipship buddies. I hope you turn all the way off and we harvest your organs to feed the poor. A poor immigrant. Yeah, right.

Yes. All right. For this last set of roasts, we're going to take five of our top donors. These folks poured so much money into the goodness machine that they deserve a full court roasting for their request. First up, Winter has three roast requests for us, but they donated a whopping $5,000 for us to do it. So their wish is our command.

Okay. Well, I would be honored to start with Ash. Hey, podcast listener, you know those elder millennials who've been blaming the fact that their part-time job at the fashion bug in their hometown didn't lead to financial independence and homeownership on the economy since Barack Obama was the president? Well, that's Ash. And my entire high school, fun. A spineless, useless leech on everyone in their lives and society as a whole, who would

have long ago realized they're worse than any imagined boomer Karen if the internet hadn't been steadily drip feeding them, a slow, self-created oppression for so long. long that they wouldn't know grasp well enough at this point to touch it. They will die penniless and alone their myasma of identities unremarked on their medical chart, certain only that it's everyone's fault but their own. Tom's going to call a copyright infringement on that one. Right? As soon as you use myasma.

Exactly. Ash looks like a toxicly masculine Rachel Maddow in this picture. And Wanda looks like she's getting. to tell someone who has a deep tan to go back where they came from right after she buys a blue checkmark on Twitter. Okay, Wanda's that ultimate evil stepmom, right?

Like, made in the lab, evil stepmom. I'm pretty sure in that picture. Jill Stein's look with Lucille Bluth's vibe and also Jill Stein's effect on the world is how I describe it. She looks like she's about to cut a ribbon with giant scissors

to open up a segregated volcano layer at all. all right so i want to be gentle about this winter but um can you roast the dude who shot his wife in the face after abusing her for years really doesn't fall into the purview of our comedy show all that well so i i kind of kind of seems insufficient to make a he looks like an x cross with a y joke right at that at that point especially since his head's blown off and it probably looks all pulpy so what would you even compare it to so i will also be roasting ash who looks like if forgetting to wash your sweatpants was a person.

That's amazing. Maybe he fell funny when he shot his head off. I bet he did. Like one leg behind, you know, is all stretched. Is anybody brave enough? Is there anyone brave enough on our cast to take this on? Well, I'll take a shot at Rose Zunday. There it is.

Look, it's a bummer sometimes that, you know, all the Christianity nonsense isn't real because there's not really any kind of cosmic come-up in. There's no eternal lakes of fire and demons giving out titty twisters and purple nerples. Isn't that the same thing? Purple nerples feels like it has a silent K in there, by the way. It's not happening, right? That's not all eternity. I think I agree with the silent K.

I agree. You can feel it now, but you can feel it in the nirple. Yes, thank you. A knurple, yes. But that doesn't mean that when we die, we got away with it all. That because there's nothing left for us to experience that we, didn't matter. In fact, the legacy we leave behind embodied by those we loved and who loved us and remembered by those we influenced, that is the purpose of our life, not after we live it,

but during our waking moments. It's the why to why we are here. Daniel knew this, just like we all do, and he suffered. You can be sure of that. Daniel was not a man living a good life, a happy life. He was a miserable, shitty failure, and he knew it every day. What Daniel left behind wasn't a world that seeks to understand his motivations and to sympathize with him. It isn't people whose memories are crowded with thoughts and remembrances of their love of him. Daniel's legacy is as empty of meaning as his life was. And while there is certainly nothing that could ameliorate even a fraction of the pain he caused, remember that just like there is no hell to torment him, there is also no God to forgive him.

And the void he created in killing and dying is the void he felt in his heart until the day he died. And he felt funny. Yeah, probably. I feel like before I talk after what I, at Tom's Rose, there should just be a silent, like a like a wind sound over a, you know, a cataclysmity show. Yeah. So, no, no, well done. Well done.

Way to step up to the fucking plate and swing, man. All right. So next up for everyone's attention, Jennifer would like us to take a crack at people who are rude or abusive to veterinary staff. She donated $3,000 to make it happen. So we'll do everything that we can. And honestly, I didn't know that people that shitty could exist until I read this. Like, I mean, like Trump, right?

So I should have. But still, puppy kicker has been my shorthand for worst possible person for so long that I never really thought that there would be a level below that. But here you are people who are rude and abusive to veterinary staff. Because those are the people who are like they're puppy anti-kickers. They fix the kids are puppies. And you're being shitty to them. All I'm saying is keep pissing off the people who pride them. on how fast they can remove a set of balls.

Treating vets with respect should be the test on whether or not you get your pack back from them. Right. If you fail the test, get a hobby that doesn't require you to care about something. Like being a Republican, that's a great hobby for you. Be a New York jet. And speaking of a Republican, this feels like a Charlie Kirk scenario, right? Okay. You're not allowed to murder people.

I know that, but you're allowed to hope. You have to be allowed to hope. Personally, I'm hoping for like a soylent greenies scenario. The dogs love it. I think people who are rude to veterinary staff don't wipe their asses. And when you ask them why, they tell you like, look, I went to the effort of pushing that shit out of my butt. And if there's anything left behind, any cleanup or maintenance, I can't be bothered, okay? Now, get back there with your hose and know that if anything goes wrong, I will be threatening to soon.

until I learned that that's not how a law works, in which case I'll write an insane review of your butt hos on Yelp. If you can't be kind as somebody who dedicated their careers to comforting and caring, not just for your pets, but for you as well, it must be because the spark of human kindness that is in all of us has been extinguished in you forever. And I at least find myself comforted in knowing that when you yourself finally die, there will be no one to hold your hand or stroke your hair and no swift and

painless exits surrounded by those you love but only another day yawning with its indifference as your forgettable stupid life draws to a painful close. And fuck your mother too. All right, I got a larger group for this nice one. Eden would like us to roast the Jehovah

Witnesses governing body. Ooh, okay. So the only thing that pisses me off more than a dangerous, murderous cult is a dangerous murderous cult that won't stick to their guns. What do you mean you can wear short sleeves now? Fucking God declared it a casual Friday. Or 99 teenagers were allowed to die

of fucking heat stroke and pop on New Guinea but not a hundred. If you're gonna bake in crazy, you have to bake that way forever. Just ask an Orthodox Jew. Your cow is your cowl. Serious hats. Those are hot in Brooklyn in the

They swim in those. But they stick with it. We do, yeah. Okay, here's the thing with the J-dubs and the leaders in particular, they need to change it. If your religion makes it so I could see you on the street

and just start singing happy birthday to you, and that's technically an ambush and like possibly a hate crime, your thing is stupid. Right? You made my song an ambush hate crime. And I just learned from Sherry

on last week's show just how prolific these mother fuckers are at protecting pedophiles. Like, so like when you think protecting pedophiles, you probably think of the Catholic Church, right, or Donald Trump's Justice Department. Yeah, that's because they're not as good at covering up that shit as Jehovah's Witnesses' governing body is, right? They spent the, that motherfuckers spent the first 40 years of their religion trying to convince

their followers the world was going to end and the other 111 making them wish it had. The governing body of the Jehovah's Witnesses sounds like if the worst members of the nut jobs who scream at school board. meetings, fucked every overzealous homeowners association president until they reached a dry, joyless orgasm. We just call that an orgasm. But with more uncomfortable fashion choices.

Yeah. I just want to go after the Jealva's witnesses really quickly. You know the best way to know if something's true is if someone on the street pressures you to take a free course in it and they give you a very thin, very glossy book about it. It's 100%

true. That's how truth that's how true is. We're just out there. We're just out there. Evolution pamphlet? Evolution pamphlet? Right. What do you do with your life? Jesus. Also, you know if you like eat a steak, you have blood now in your bed?

That's a transfusion of blood for nothing. You're eating chicken too. It's all of them. There's blood in there. Fucking idiots. All right. So this next one's going to hurt because you're all demons. Ian donated for us to roast the one and only Mel Brooks.

Oh, that's tough. Okay. I got it. Hey, Mel. Do you think this generation? is going to enjoy space balls too, buddy? What have you seen in the last 50 years that made you think that was a good idea?

Is it the Nazis who will be offended that Darth Vader isn't the good guy? All you're doing by venturing into this least brave of new worlds is learning what humorless ghouls we have all become and pray to non-existent Jew God that you don't have Twitter and don't have to witness it. All right, this was a tough one for me

But this is the best I could come up with Of all the people who defined my sense of humor growing up You're the least funny, Mel. Whoa. Right? It was you, Douglas Adams, George Carlin, and the Monty Python guys, you're maybe funnier than Eric Idol.

That's it. That's it. Mel, bitch you're a hundred years old And you're still making movies. Shouldn't you be in politics, man? Mel Brooks is a piece of shit. talent hog. Look, I'm not sure that there's a finite amount of talent in the world, but I'm also like, not sure there isn't. Mel Brooks is the kid who took the entire bowl of Halloween candy

full of funny and just ran off leaving the rest of us having to content ourselves with being funny by quoting the shit you already said. Ashole. Hey, Mel Brooks, fuck Ian. Fuck that guy. You're a legend of comedy, Mel Brooks. What the fuck did it? Ian ever accomplished what, like $500 some charity that helps people go to hell for eternity instead of staying in their fucking lane and experiencing salvation forever? Everything you've ever done is amazing, Mel Brooks,

and it holds up forever. You're awesome. We love you. And last but not least, we're actually going to toss things over to our very first call-in roaster. Friend of the show, Melanie, donated $1,000 for our very own Anna Bosnick to roast pregnancy. So let's hear what she has to say. If you loved the aftermath of that 2 a.m.

Taco Bell carnage, but you could have done without the night of fun and drinking that led you there, you will love pregnancy. Seriously, it's the hangover without the alcohol. It's the depressive existential crisis without the Molly. It's shitting your pants and vomiting in a taxi without the common decency of four gin and tonics and a shot of birthday cake and a vape.

Everybody's like, ooh, so lucky, no period for nine months. Bitch, I would bleed for nine months straight for a fucking ibuprofen. Who knew that growing a human would be all cramps and nausea all the time? But rest assured, when you finally poop out that brand new person, they will inevitably be such a cool kid that you won't even care about the chronically atomic farts or the constant cultural reminder that you are now, 100% less likely to survive the zombie apocalypse. Fuck pregnancy.

Thank you, Anna. And with that, we're going to leave off for a couple of weeks, but a reminder that we've still got plenty more rose to come and you have plenty more time to donate. Just head over to Recovering from Religion.org. Click on vulgarity for charity at the top of the page and tell us who deserves the treatment we just gave these folks. And a reminder that if you want to hear all of the rows,

be sure to check out cognitive dissonance at dissonancepod.com Or wherever you get your podcast, Tom, Cecil. Thanks so much for your help. Thanks for having us, man. Ren out. Or Stimpy? Stimpy. I don't know.

You're definitely. Stimpy. Oh. Before we retreat back into the shadows, I want to thank everybody who's already donated to Vulgarity for Cherry and everybody who still plans to. Please check out Recovering from Religion.org to learn more, even if he can't donate. They need volunteers, and they also just need more people to be aware of all the various

services that they offer. Anyway, that's all the blast maybe we've got for you. tonight, we'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on look up for a brand new episode of our sister shows hot friend God off a movies, debuting on 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sitist or social citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't

wind down this episode without thanking Heath for always rapping chords correctly. Eli Bosnick, for always squeezing from the bottom of the tube and lucid illusions for always turning off the lights when she leaves the room. Sorry, missing my dad. I also want to thank Tom and Cecil for always being right on the other side of that glory hole when we need them. I want to thank Anna Bosnick one more

time for letting our listeners drink from her countless well of talent yet again. And I need to thank Bruce for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, we are running a bit low. So if you'd like to promote your YouTube channel or your podcast or your small business or just your Yoda impression, whatever, check out Scathingatheus.com and learn how to submit a Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people.

Nina, Josh, the Centerman, the Goodmush, Catherine, Rachel, Megan, Anthony, Eric, Marty, their Norwegian Anaconda, Kenny Christiane, and Miguel. Nina, Josh, Sinerman, Goodmush, and Catherine, whose IQs are so high high they can be mistaken for the vulgarity for charity donation numbers, Rachel, Megan, Anthony, Eric, and Marty, who are so hot they could move mantle, and Norwegian Anaccona, Kenny, Christian, and Miguel, whose intellects are so vast you need a compass to keep up with their stream of consciousness. Together, these 14 deliciously dedicated disbelievers deign to donate dollars to our derision

of deism this week, and you two can do that if you want. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists, whereby you'll learn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scalingatheas.com. And if you'd like to help, but all your expendable income is going to recovering from religion for a roast, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tamara Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, and find all the contact info on the contact page at scalingatious.com. You're right? I spilled water all over my sock. This content is canned credentialed,

which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator-accountabilitynetwork.org. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2025, All Rights Reserved.