The Scathing Atheist - 668: Uninsured Edition

Episode Date: January 1, 2026

In this week’s episode, Catholics still haven’t met their kid diddling deductible, we have a jance dance revolution party on the graves of our enemies, and Tom and Cecil will be here to see if we were gonna finish that. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Guest Links: Get your Girl Scout cookies from Clare! https://digitalcookie.girlscouts.org/scout/clare846069 Hear more from Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Dissonance Learn more about the Creator Accountability Network’s fundraiser here: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1Fhg1Pd8J5/ --- Headlines: Insurer to Catholic Archdiocese of New York: We don’t cover cover-ups: https://open.substack.com/pub/friendlyatheist/p/insurer-to-catholic-archdiocese-of Columbia offers Flat Earthers the keys to the company in new ad: https://www.creativereview.co.uk/columbia-flat-earthers-campaign/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxJOAsTMC6w Professor at Texas A&M remains fired for acknowledging more than two genders: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/24/us/texas-am-decline-reinstate-fired-faculty-member.html Oklahoma's Supreme Court overturns Ryan Walters' Bible-heavy Social Studies standards: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/oklahomas-supreme-court-overturns 10 notable Christian leaders, influencers who died in 2025: https://www.christianpost.com/news/10-notable-christian-leaders-influencers-who-died-in-2025.html

Warning, I'm sure this year is going to need as many cuss words as last year. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by The Inexplicable fact that America has managed to keep its lights on through the end of the year. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, my name is Clay and I'm so a Girl Scout cookies. Just a reminder that the Girl Scouts are secular, feminist, queer, and trans-affirming. Ship cookies to all 50 states and know that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, monkey men.

And women. And women. It's January 1st. And our New Year's resolution is to stop swearing on the podcast. Fuck yeah, it is. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heathenright.

And from Zoran, I'm Donnie's, New Jersey. How dare you? In New York, Michigan, way across Georgia. This is the skating atheist. On this week's episode, Catholics still haven't met their kid-diddling deductible. We have a chance-dance revolution party on the graves of our enemies. And Tom and Cizzo will be here to see if we were going to finish that. But first, the diatribe.

So instead of my normal diatribe, I wanted to use this section of the show this week to respond to the Christian who surreptitiously paid my tab at a local restaurant this week and wrote a cheeky little Jesus loves you, Noah, with a little smiley face on it on the receipt. I just, I wanted to let you know that I'd love to return. the favor sometimes. Maybe I could buy you a meal. When you eat a dick, you fucking asshole. Now, my wife asked me to go easy on you, so I'm going to go easy on you. It was a Christmas season. Your privileged ass probably diluted itself into thinking that was doing a good thing. But I am going to explain to you what calling you a fucking asshole and telling you to eat a dick is going easy on you. All right? First, though, let me catch everybody else up on the back story. So I actually talked about this guy a little bit on the show before. He got a passing mention

in the diatribe on episode 642. I met him at a local no-kings rally back in June. My little town in the heart of Trumpistan managed to scrounge together about 150 people willing to publicly stand against fascism. And everybody seemed to get the message that this was not an opportunity for captive audience marketing

except this jackass. Nobody was going down the line handing out coupons for their car washing business or trying to sign you up for their side hustle. But there was this one Christian going down the road trying to sell everybody on his church. Now, when he got to me in his line, I told him the fuck off and I tried to give him at least a vague sense

of what a dick move it is to try to walk through a group of religiously diverse people trying to sell them fucking your church at a secular event that you had no participation and even setting up. I also posted a picture of him on Facebook, naming and shaming of his crime. And of course, Facebook helpfully alerted him to the photo.

So he popped onto the comments long enough to say, Jesus has God double stamped, no takebacks, and then ran away screaming, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you. Well, that was the extent of our interactions, and I would have been happy to leave it there. But last week, my wife and I are out at a local restaurant, and I guess he saw me. So he sneakily pays my pill at the restaurant.

And he writes, Jesus loves you, and he puts a little smiley face on the check, and he asks the server to send that my way. All right, so now you're all caught up. Let me turn to fucking what's his name, the Christian, and address him again. So, okay, so a lot of people would try to point out your assholery here with the old switcheroo, ask you to imagine how you'd feel if I paid for your

meal and left a, your religion is a fairy tale note, but a winky face next to it. But that doesn't actually get to point across for a couple of different reasons, right? The first is that there's no legitimate threat of anything like that ever happening. The server wouldn't play along with it, right? They played along with it in this instance because, you know, they were Christian, you were Christian, they had every reason to believe that I was Christian because what kind of dick would send that note to somebody who he knew wasn't a Christian. But there's no fucking way a server would carry a note on my behalf that she knew

disparaged your religious beliefs. But it also fails for a more fundamental reason. Wasps like you have no real fucking conception whatsoever of what it is to be in a disfavored religious minority. No doubt if I bought you a meal with a Jesus was just a guy note, you'd be able to laugh it off and chalk it up to whatever fucking theological tete-a-tete you think is going on here. and then you would leave the overwhelmingly Christian restaurant to drive through the overwhelmingly Christian town with its Christian billboards and its Jesus praising bumper stickers and its Christian own notices on all the businesses and the ubiquitous sea of steeples rising above it all completely unthreatened by any alternative beliefs as you have been your entire fucking life so instead of trying to put you in my shoes let's try putting a person with literally any religious beliefs other than yours or mine them. Let's imagine that you're out to eat with a Christian friend and you see a Jewish family there

or a Hindu family or a Muslim family that are wearing conspicuous signs of their faith. And then you're like imagine that your Christian friend fearing for the immortal souls of all those who fail to recognize Christ's supremacy as you do paid for their meal on the condition that he could send them a note that says yours is the wrong religion. Would you at least see how that person was being an asshole? You know, the honest truth is, I don't know. The Herculean shield of privilege it takes to think that you're the good guy in any of our interactions

is so fucking strong that I don't know if any analogy could penetrate it. But let me make this clear. This is not a buddy cop scenario. You're not going to crack through my hard atheist exterior with your goddamn heart of gold bullshit. You're using your time and effort to propagate a harmful delusion

that promotes bigotry, inhibits science, and covers up child rape. That isn't the kind of shit you can paper over with a chili lime salmon and a smiley face. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast

and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the father time and baby new year of the podcast, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to ring in another year? I'm actually just a construct.

Yeah, well, that's a yeah. And now I have an excuse to beware in this typo. So I wanted to make it a little less weird for the people watching along. Yeah. All right. So now it's cool.

Yeah. In our lead story tonight, in retrospect, knowing all we now know, I think even the archdiocese of New York would agree that it was linguistically unfortunate to spend their peak child rape cover-up days insured by a company whose name is a slang term for an erect penis. But we are where we are. And where we are, the company that insured said archdiocese is called Chub. Fantastic. So as I'm reading up on the stories about this insurance company refusing to pay for the child rape cover-up settlements because, you know, covering up child rape isn't an accident.

I have to navigate through giggle-inducing phrases like Chubb failed to cover the archdiocese. Catholic leaders and supporters express a strong distaste for Chubb and the downright provocation of, quote, when things first started to come to a head with Chubb. end quote. Overpaying for Chubb, you hate this? Guys, we know this name is going to get mentioned a lot. We got to do Allstate. I know the rates is a law, but we...

But yeah, so you may have wondered before when you see these headlines about such and such Archdiocese agreeing to pay hundreds of millions of dollar settlements for survivors of the abuse that they enabled, where does that money come from, right? It's a sure the fuck isn't from the Cemetery Maintenance Fund, and the Vatican isn't dipping into

it's Scrooge McDuck vault of Nazi gold. So where is that money coming from? Well, oftentimes the answer is insurance. But in the instance of the New York Archdiocese's $300 million settlement, Chubb is standing firm. So they're telling the Archdiocese, thank you, that they can't be held responsible for coverups. Chub coverage falls short.

Hell's oldest time, what are you going to do? Right, yeah. Yeah. And look, as I've been told by Geico, multiple times, nobody's covered for behavior that reprehensible, you know? You just got to. There you go. Yeah. Now, I'm far from an expert in this field, but it seems to me like this is a reasonable argument, right? So like if the company that was insuring hurts found out that when the brakes failed on a car instead of fixing it, they were in the habit of sending it to a different rental location that didn't know about the break issue. You know, you couldn't expect them to pay out for all the accidents those cars caused. You got to pay for Chubb collision if you want that. Yeah, exactly. Especially because in this case, the car crash. were an already illegal activity that you're not covered for? Yeah.

Right? So they're asking for the break repairs to be covered from the hit and runs that they did and then switch to a different thing. It's hard to do metaphors with the Catholic Church. It's tricky, yeah. But it's actually worse than all of that, right? Because in addition to obviously having covered up their crimes, it turns out their insurance company isn't the single entity with which they're

being open and honest, right? So when the insurance company's investigators, ask basic questions like what did you know and when did you know it the archdiocese answer is always one of us always tells the truth and the other one always lies or some shit like that right so they're also arguing that they couldn't cover any insurance claim at all with the lack of cooperation that their investigators have gotten from the archdiocese chub pulls out to mitigate risk citing toxic environment and ends relationship rough all right last one that was my last I love that they were just like, oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, you would like to know. Yeah, right. It's kind of our move. Yeah. Now, of course, the Archdiocese and its supporters are writing this all off as anti-Catholic bigotry because they genuinely can't think of any other reason people would get so bent out of shape about institutionalized child rape. But in case anybody's keeping score on the subterranean level of the Catholic Church's moral standing,

it's now officially below insurance companies. named after a hard-on. Yeah, not quite worthy of Chubb. Yep. And in the only thing we have to Sphere is Sphere itself news. Nice. Well done. We have a delightful story about Flat Earthers getting aggressively trolled by a marketing campaign. Columbia Sportswear is offering a tantalizing challenge to Flat Earthers.

The first person who can find the edge of the planet and prove it with a photo. gets all the physical assets the company owns. But you've got to be wearing gear from Columbia when you do it. Okay. This is great marketing and I'm mad that we didn't come up with it. So we're adding a pony. You get all Columbia's assets and a pony from us. Exactly.

Yeah. Okay. But if I do this, do I finally get out of my Columbia House contract? I don't need those. Absolutely not. There's no way you get out for that. No. No.

And a big thanks to Jennifer for. sending a link to scathing news at gmail.com. I'd offer Jennifer everything we own, but I've been to Eli's house and seen most of the discussions not worth it. Jennifer gets the honor of the first puzzle and a thunderstorm shout out of 2026. Put it in your memoirs, Jennifer. For the record, Jennifer, my stuff is nice. It's just on top of each other. Yeah, right. No, in your defense, just the shit Lucinda has bought from Max would fill the average living room to the top of the windows.

Thank you. The stuff from Lucinda's nice. Yeah. Yeah. So here's how... That's on the top. Here's how Columbia issued their challenge. It came in two parts.

The first is a video of their CEO, Tim Boyle, at their HQ in Portland, Oregon. He issues the challenge, and then he walks around the building, showing off all the stuff you could own if you win the challenge. That includes a rack of jackets, a bunch of computers and monitors,

a copy machine, a camera, a camera, not the espresso machine, that's a rental, not Mary's lunch from the fridge, she put a note on it, a stapler, a mounted deer's head, and two retired gondolas from a ski mountain. Apparently, people go inside the gondolas and do work on their laptop sometimes. Yeah, honestly, bits aside, I needed the Columbia workspace to be a little less shabby, right? Yeah. Furniture Bob's has a nicer break room. Columbus. I'd also like to, Like if my workplace had less dead animals stuffed with sawdust in it in general. He says that a lot, yeah.

And the second part of the announcement was an open letter from Tim Boyle that he put in the New York Times. It starts by saying, I'm giving away everything owned by the company, asterisk. And then it continues, I'm Tim Boyle, CEO of Columbia Sportswear, and this is a message to flat earthers. I've seen your manifestos, admired your diagrams, watched you stand proudly on your, well, flat ground. So here's the deal. It's time to put your map where your mouth is. Introducing Expedition Impossible. Our boldest challenge yet. Our gear is built to handle anything. So I'm inviting you to do what no one in history has ever done. Find the edge of the earth. If you actually find it, snap a photo, send it to us. You won't just have bragging rights. You'll have everything

owned by the company. All of it. The mannequins, snow shoes, coffee machines, a well-used to boggin, office plants, even the taxidermy beaver in the cafeteria, all yours. Okay, so now the coffee machine is on the table. I'm starting to think he's not being serious, guys. Yeah, I feel like he's bearing in the lead in terms of assets a bit here, too.

It's like they're getting a divorce and he doesn't want to admit to owning the good shit, right? The letter also has a bit of fine print for legal technicalities. It specifies that you can't use AI for the photo, and then it clarifies the asterisk, risk from the top, saying, quote, the edge of the earth, in quotes, is a visible, physical end

to the planet Earth. We're talking infinite sheer drop, abyssal void, clouds cascading into infinity. What is not the edge of the earth? A cliff top in Seattle, a cul-de-sac in Kansas, or your buddy Dave legally changing his name to The Edge, end quote. Okay, jokes on you. Dave was going to do that anyway for the band. I feel like you want to be way more pedantic in your clarifications, dude, or Heath is coming for your beaver.

Oh, he has nine solutions now for this. And you can't spell academic without DEI news tonight. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of Trump's efforts at Kmart fascism is the downright flaccid response of America's most storied institutions, right? Like set aside our courts and our Congress, not all that story, to be honest. But our nation's most respected news sources just cannot lick his dick anymore enthusiastically and even more disturbing. Our colleges and universities have all but universally rolled over at the nearest fucking hint of presidential prerogative, which we were reminded of again when Texas A&M announced last week that they were standing by their decision to fire a professor for mentioning the gender spectrum even after an appeals panel found the dismissal unjustified. Okay. So let me start by saying that ivory tower snobs at fancy England universities, Eli, are quick to malign other schools. And that is obnoxious. That being said, storied academic institutions like Texas agriculture and mechanical with their community of scholars called the Aggies or the Agricultures, they might do well to dispel the football school stereotype by having their administration.

read one single fucking book one single time. That'd be nice. Yeah, maybe a history book to see how well sort of collaborating has worked out for folks in the past. There you go, yeah. So this is the story of Melissa McCowell, a former instructor at Texas A&M,

and her grave sin was that while she was presenting a lesson on children's literature, she made the mistake of acknowledging the existence of more than two genders. A student then took it upon themselves to challenge their own education and said, quote, I'm not entirely sure this is legal to be teaching because according to our president,

there's only two genders, end quote. Okay, according to the president, if there's a shark 10 yards away, you should get electrocuted by a boat battery. And that's why solar power is a bad idea. He says a lot of things. Yep. Yeah. Can you fucking imagine the year-long hysteria the right would have been whipped up into if

someone told a right-wing student that something in school was because Joe Biden has said so. Yeah, right? Yeah. So based on that complaint, a complaint informed by the understanding of a man who continued to mistake a dementia test for an IQ test after he was told the difference over that of a college goddamn professor, the goddamn university fired her, which, to be clear, has a procedure. You can't just fire a college professor because Chad thinks gender fluidity is a municipal offense. So Dr. McHowell appealed to a faculty panel who ruled unanimously that the college wasn't justified in the firing. Okay. Those administrators read some books.

Good work. Good work. There you go. The one who fired horrible. Yeah. They said that they were, quote, especially concerned by the lack of rigorous investigation into the circumstances, details, specific events, and timeline leading to Dr. McCall's summary dismissal, end quote. Yeah.

Sounds like conservative snowflakes are stifling academic freedom, doesn't it? Yeah. conservative snowflake. There's a lot of them out there right now. I'm sure, though, I'm sure we'll get plenty of support for Dr. McCall from the intellectual dark web luminaries like Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro. They love academic freedom. Oh, yeah.

Now, she'll be on their podcasts any second now. See, this is why Barry Weiss actually cut that story. She was working on this one. We all heard of apology and to condemn Hamas. But here's the thing. The university's vice chancellor for academic affairs apparently wasn't convinced by the panel's ruling. He declared that the firing had good cause by Fiat, I guess, and said that it was stand. To which Dr. McCau was like, cool, we have contracts and shit.

I'm going to get money. According to her lawyer, she, quote, looks forward to pursuing her First Amendment due process and breach of contract claims in a court very soon, end quote. And, hey, I look forward to that too. Oh, fellas, that's a big settlement. We might just have to be Texas in agriculture this year. And in Bridge Over Troubled Walters news, Oklahoma's Supreme Court is finally achieving with the TV hacking softcore porn ninjas

of the Antifa left never could. Overturning every insane policy of former superintendent of public instruction, Ryan Walters, one at a time. Okay, the TV hacking porn ninjas definitely helped. Yeah, absolutely. Team effort. It's at the stage. So, first off, a big thanks to Joey

for bringing the first to send us this story to Skathingnews at gmail.com. I'm not saying that Joey who sent us this article is the one from friends. But just in case, how you doing? No, seriously, how are you doing? Because your promiscuity on the show always worried me.

Skathingnews at gmail.com. Prude. Okay, Joey and Rachel belonged together. I'm team Joey, Joey, Joel. Your worst take. What? Your worst and amazing together. You might as well put her with Smelly Cat. Yes. Honest, better. I approve more.

So, if you're new around here, Ryan Walters spent his tenure as the superintendent of public instruction, actively attacking both the public and the concept of instruction. But then he got caught watching porn in his office, which I will remind you, he blamed on the people he accidentally showed that porn to. Yep. It was a long con, a lot of steps. Got him. A lot of moving parts, got him. Yeah. And then he quit to head up the anti-teachers' teachers union that he was already working for.

And since then, he's mostly made sure that that dumbass from Oklahoma doesn't get punished for delivering a Bible instead of her final. They say the best revenge is living well. And I like to believe that means another good revenge is just knowing the dumbass is living as herself. You know what I mean? Like she has to be her forever. So that's something. Right. Yeah.

The decree doesn't need an asterisk on it if the news cycle already told us how you got it and you have a name as memorable as full necky. Yeah, that's going to hurt her. It's Samant the full neckie. Well, as I said, Ryan did a lot of extremely stupid shit when he had his old job. And this week, the Oklahoma Supreme Court reversed some of it. Specifically, Walter's social study standards that required teachers to tell kids that the 2020 election had major discrepancies and that COVID originated in a Chinese lab. Okay, all right, so I'll admit it.

For the time it would have taken for him to fire off a pissy response from his office, I did actually wish that Ryan Walters still had his old job, right? Like, I, like, I, not before or not after. I just, I would have loved to see that breakdown in real time. That's good stuff. That's good. And look, I would love to tell you that these were blocked because of the evil theocracy. But actually, it was a lot more about dotting eyes and crossing T's.

In fact, because Walters was so sloppy, the Republican state legislature actually had the opportunity to block his standards from going into effect and they chose not to anyways. But luckily, there was a lawsuit, and the higher those go, the more sanity tends to win out. Well, unless they go all the way up, yeah. Yeah, no, there's a ceiling. There is a ceiling. And let's not forget the lead-up when the FFRF sent letters to Ryan Walters in his curriculum office telling him to stop breaking the law by teaching fucking nonsense.

Walters read the letter to him, and then he sued the FFRF for preventing him from doing his job by making him read letters as part of his job. The Trump-appointed judge who dealt with that case from him explained how that is informationally impossible without the claim. So, yeah, yet another tent pole

of Ryan Walter's circus has fallen, and soon enough, I'm going to run out of my ever-thinning excuses to bring up his cavalcade of failures. But luckily, today was not that day. Spilled all the way into 2026. I ain't got one last there.

And finally tonight, in Memorium News, as a fun little treat for New Year's Day, I'd like to present a list of our enemies who died in 2025. Folks, I had to bring in Lucinda and our bookkeeper to win the vote against displaying their heads on stakes around the offices. We will never forgive you, Julie.

Never. And the journalism team over at the Christian Post. They were actually goodly enough. to compile a list on our behalf in their article entitled 10 notable Christian leaders, influencers, who died in 2025. But they made sure to specify that some of these people weren't the correct brand of Christian. They were included anyway because the Christian Post cares about diversity within Christianity, I guess.

According to their intro, these are people who, quote, publicly identified as Christian and are included, even if they might have held theological views or done things, that were not compatible with biblical teaching. We'll honor them even if they did suffer witches to live, in other words. Yeah, exactly. Imagine putting together what is essentially the in-memorium for your publication and having to go, but we ought to make sure we mention who's going to hell.

God, you don't want to piss me hell off. All right, first up, we have a guy who carried a 12-foot-tall wooden cross over all seven continents and holds the Guinness World Record for longest pilgrimage. His name is Arthur Blessett, and I'm certain he's lying about his real name. He walked with his giant, fucking obnoxious piece of

wood through almost every single nation in the world taking approximately 86 million footsteps. Matt and Laurie Crouch of the Trinity Broadcasting Network made a documentary about his journey, and they released a statement upon his death saying, quote, how do you live a life

of purpose and destiny? Arthur would answer, one step at a time. This seems even more appropriate as he has taken his final step into the arms of Jesus, end quote. Okay, so first of all, he cheated,

he used wheels, but secondly, purpose? Wait, he used fucking wheels? Yes, yeah, he had wheels. Yeah, yeah, wheels are the whole fucking thing. They didn't show the wheels in the photos. He never show the wheels, but he had wheels. No, he had wheels. He had wheels. And secondly, there is like,

there's like not a ranking officially for least purposeful life, But Arthur sort of begs us to make one, though. I just love the idea of him getting up to heaven and Jesus being like, hey, it's Cross Guy. Thanks for doing, well, absolutely nothing I asked my followers to do. I feel like you kind of acted out your own fan fiction instead of doing the things I instructed.

I thought you'd like it. No. Because he was so clear. I was so crazy clear. I read none of it was carry around the thing they killed me with. Do I get in, though? Yeah, no. Come on.

Okay. You're not gay. Yep. Cool. So from there, we got a few boring ones. Some guy named Cliff was a pastor, and then he died. Same for some guy named Sonny and also some lady named Kay. Well, except she wasn't a pastor.

She was a Bible. study lady talker because you know can't always be a pastor that brings us to Jimmy Swaggart if you want to hear the full son of obituary check out episode 646 I'll just give you some quick highlights

he was a terrible father he was a terrible husband he made some music he was related to just about every white person in Louisiana including pedophile incest rapist and fellow musician Jerry Lee Lewis he spread bigot propaganda all over the country

with a giant televangelism network. He helped fund war crimes in Mozambique. He helped fund war crimes in Zimbabwe. What? Yep, that's real. He got caught with a sex worker. He made a famous apology about repenting. And he got caught with another sex worker almost immediately. The Christian Post mentioned the sex worker part,

just barely, like begrudgingly. And that was the least offensive thing in their little tribute bio of Jimmy Swackard's life. Jimmy Swangert lived his life like he was trying to make that list easier on Heath when he died. Right? Yeah, that was all in order. It was like a really good for making a list there. I sympathize with the post here, right?

Because like, look, Dawkins is going to be dead soon. We're going to have to at least mention it. Otherwise, how will our trans listeners know where the new toilet is? It's a tough balance. You know, you got to really, you got to be fair. All right. Next up, we have John MacArthur, who died about halfway through the recording of the Jimmy Swetzer. Waggert, son of obituary, like fucking asshole on the timing.

He was an evangelical pastor, and when you hear that, you're probably thinking giant bigot. But you'd be wrong about that. MacArthur was from the extra giant bigot school of Christianity. For example, he put lots of energy into preventing women from being preachers. Because, of course, in 1st Timothy 212, it says, wait in the truck or something very similar. Not surprisingly, he also actively supported domestic abuse. abuse. When women in his congregation left their abusive husbands, MacArthur threatened excommunication if they didn't return to their abusers.

Also, he was a pretty big fan of slavery. I say that based on an exchange from 2012. It started with nobody nothing, to which MacArthur responded, quote, it's a little strange that we have such an aversion to slavery. Because historically, there have been abuses. To throw out slavery as a concept, simply because there has. been abuses, I think, is to miss the point. Working for a gentle, caring, loving, master was the best of all possible worlds. All possible worlds. I am baffling. Even the like pleasure

machine ones. Or the not being a slave at all ones. Yikes. He continued. If you had the right master, everything was taken care of. Slavery is not objectionable if you have the right master. end quote he died of pneumonia without his master's permission i'll remind you an asshole and of course that brings us to pope francis we could spend hours talking about what he did wrong and we have what he refused to do that would have been right and explain how wokeest pope of all time is fucking nothing but yeah like you said we have done that we have spent those hours also the guy had to spend his final living day with Jance dance

fans. Yeah. So I'm going to give him a break on this one. But, well, I mean, you guys don't have to. Honestly, his impact on the world was so negligible that I'd already forgotten all about him until you said this. Like, didn't we used to do a funny thing with his name or something? Yeah. Yeah.

Still can't believe we were this close to Pope Pizza Bowler or whatever the fuck. Yeah. That's disappointing. Fucking Bob. I like Chicago Bob. Better than most Pope's anyway. It's not a high bar. Do you see him nut check that kid? No, what?

I just made it up. I was so excited. It seems like the kind of thing you would do that, right? That's the thing about Pope Bob. You can just kind of make up lies about him. Oh, you got me. You got me, Bob. All right.

So, in the spirit of celebration, the new year, we also got a couple more delightful deaths that the Christian Post actually forgot to mention from the last year. So let's all remember that 2025, despite all its terrible atrocities, also gave us the death of Christian Duck Whistle Magnate, Phil Robertson. And, of course, that guy with the tiny little face on the giant head who died whilst giving a hate speech. Made hate speech.

That was fun. And then his wife showed up to give his eulogy like she was Gene Simmons rising up on the stage at a kiss concert. So, happy New Year. Yeah. And with acknowledge that, statistically speaking, 2026 almost has to be better than 2025, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the week. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, Thomas Hesel will join us for their first fuck yous of the new year.

We here at the skating atheists hate to start a new year with last year's fuck you. a lingering. So we're going to clear a few out of our inbox this week with the penultimate installment of our Vigarity for Charity Roast from 2025. But to do that, we're going to need to welcome in two men who, when asked to give a title to their mutual musings, chose a term for a state of mental discomfort, cognitive dissonance's own, Tom Curry, and Cecil Ciceroa. Sure did. Okay, to be very fair, then as now, nobody really asked for our musings. No. Nobody ever wanted a man. No, that's true. That's true. I get it. They just happened. I'm not saying I don't get it.

Yeah. All right. So before we jump in tonight, we need to thank a few of our favorite kind of donor, the folks who give us money and expect nothing in return but longing glances as midnight approaches on New Year's Eve. So a big thanks to Steve, Lydia, Donna, Chris, and Jeffrey for their money. And if possible,

and even bigger thanks to Austin, Karina, Doug Hayden, and Jen. And the thankiest thank, thank, of all to Bill, Chris, Cheryl, Bethany and Anthony. Okay. So, first of all, Eli, you, did win the bet of whether you could make him say thank you, thank, thank. I'm out 20 bucks to start the year. So with that out of the way, let's kick things off with our final five lucky roasters. These are the last of the 50 randomly drawn roasts.

And we're going to start with Boehm, who would like us to roast his coworker, Stephen. Stephen is referred to as an idea fairy, meaning he just drops in and mansplains his thoughts into existence and needs you to cater to his latest whim. Hey, we're podcasting, bud. Yeah. This is, steal my joke, homie. This is what the world needs is a guy who has no idea how things work. Coming in with half-baked solutions and shitty hot takes,

he must be a podcaster as well. Also says here that he thanked God during his promotion ceremony. And if there's a ceremony for something like this, you're allowed to interrupt it like Dustin Hoffman and the graduate, you know? You can just, in fact, you're just allowed to sit outside his office and bang on his window, screaming Steven. As long as it takes for him to lose his job, I don't make the rules, buddy.

True, he doesn't. I don't make him. All right, one for you here, Noah. Jordan would like you to roast John Oliver. Oh, that's not fair. What? Yeah, that's not fair. Because A, John Oliver is way fucking funnier than me.

B, he has writers who are also funnier than me. And C, he has a fucking head start. He self-roasts with the floures that would make Eli jealous, but I guess I mean, he does look like Pee Wee Herman's accountant, so it makes it easy. And he's a British guy faking a British

accent to sound more British to people who couldn't find his home country on a map because they'd be fucking looking for Britland. Britland. By the way, I'm not making fun of John Oliver's audience here. I'm making fun of Americans in general. I just, I want to make sure, because our audience is basically a

subset of his audience. I don't want to push my luck with this. Yeah. All right, Eli, let me return the favor here. Gregory would like you to roast his boss, Eves Gilmow. Yeah, Eve looks and acts like John Lithgow's first take as the Trinity Killer. Like he's reading,

Lithgow did, before he shook his head and said, no, no, too broad, right? My only wish for Eve is that he had pressed the L button to activate his sexual harassment vision, but I'm guessing when it comes to his personal life, he knows what a stupid gay mechanic that is. And Heath, Stewart donated the extremely funny amount of $69 and $69 for you to roast...

Nailed it. Sex thing. For you to roast a bed sheet on the clothesline of their friends' scummy neighbor. Okay, we got a photo. It's a lot going on here. It looks like your friends, they live in a normal suburban area mostly that just has one tiny lot where apparently the apocalypse happened, but like nowhere else. And in the post-apocalyptic hellscape of this one lot,

it appears that a rag-tag band of bucksmurfs had a scat porn orgy. And then they cleaned up the scat porn orgy by just like grabbing the shit-filled top sheet and like, you know, cradling it like a diaper cradling the pile into the middle. slowly carrying it out. And then they hung it outside with the pile still inside. And now it just dangles in the wind, slowly turning into different shades of blue, green, and brown as part of like a conceptual art piece.

Smurfing USA. That is definitely $69 and $69. 0.69 worth of roast at least. 100%. Yeah. All right. So Tom, Donald would like a roast of head of the Bullock action Coalition, Layton Sacks.

Layton Sacks is so fucking irrelevant, Google refused to return any relevant results when I looked him up. But that's not surprising because he's a nothing burger no one, a city council commoner, a tin pot, mealy mouth, magaparot nobody, a

swinging dick, eunuch. Look, Sack. Believe me, when I say I understand being a big fish in a little pond, I do, because I don't come up on Google either. And let me give you a fucking pro tip as one nobody to another. If you wake up and confuse a speck of minor local notoriety with influence or power,

I want you to try something. Get in your fucking Magamobile, drive 30 minutes outside the city limits, and go to any coffee shop. Leave your wallet and phone in the car, walk in, and try to use your stupid fucking face and your testicularly reminiscent last name. and tell me if you can walk out with a cup of coffee. I'll spoil it for you, dipshit. Your name isn't worth a cup of decaf on a cold day, you walking D-minus in high school, E-Con.

So hop your sorry ass back in your 2001 Ford Focus and know your fucking place. Tom, do you want to show up on Google? Because I can do that this afternoon. No, please no. Make you your own website. Absolutely no. All right, with that threat hanging in the air,

That's how we get them to come back next year to do more of these. It's now time to move on to the money to lead who bought their way into roast them by being one of our top 50 donors this year. So if you hear your roast, know that you did at least the 50th most good. All right, so we're going to start off with Dr. Nanner Bananors who would like Eli,

apropos of my John Oliver roast, to roast himself. Ooh, all right. I look like my depression always felt like I love. Like, there was probably a time where I was a youthful kid with a glit in his eye and an inner sadness. But now I'm just an outer sadness with a glaucoma in my eye. I've gotten so fat they're going to change the name of the drug to you, Govi, and hope that I get the message. All right, Noah, I got one for you here.

Our favorite listener, April Poff would like a roast of the town of Christianburg, Virginia. Okay. All right, so true story, Christiansburg, Virginia was discovered, whatever, by Europeans during a thing called the Batson Follum expedition, which sounds like a slapstick comedy from the 40s. I don't know much about the expedition, but they discovered a river that's now called New River in a valley that's now called New River Valley. So, amazing. Yeah, I feel like it's safe to say they weren't nomenclaturely inspired as an expedition. And if anything, it just hasn't gotten any better. I like, yes, it's got our favorite listener, April Poff in it.

But it also has a big fucking Trump store right in the middle, like in the geographic center of town, which I'm pretty sure cancels April out. And by the way, if you're curious what they sell at the Trump store, I went in there when I, when I visited April. It's the soul of a once proud nation. And it is shockingly cheap. shockingly discounted. Yeah, I know. All right, Cecil, this next one's for you. Nick would like a roast of people

who claim to just be calling it like they see it as an excuse to be an asshole and then act a victim when challenged. Why is it dipshits like this never call anything they see complimentary or nice? Like, hey, I like your shoes.

Call them like I see them. Great job on that presentation. I call them. Instead, everything they call is like shitty or needs to be fixed or that's fucking race. but you're such a cowardly boring person that you have to hide behind your rhetorical

excuse for your own shit hollery. You ever think that your neck finding flaws is like having a prolapsed anus that can bend small bits of aluminum foil as a superpower. I feel like you're roasting me a lot today. Thank you.

All right. Heath, I got a great one for you. Call my cassiam. And we've all seen Heath band aluminum with his rectum. Yeah, no, that's true. So, Laura would like a roast of Art Rooney the second, owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Amazing choice. This fucking Nepo baby billionaire, he hired Ben Rothlisberger and Aaron Rogers to be his quarterback. And, okay, I guess if you already hired a rapist and continued employing that rapist for 13 years after.

two different accusations. At that point, the anti-vaxed dolphin fucker with a copy of Atlas shrugged in his locker is only a bit worse. But worst of all, Rooney is responsible for introducing a throwback uniform to the Steelers.

Oh my God, yes. Snot yellow with black stripes and brown football pants. No, that doesn't sound good. They look like preemptive caution tape surrounding their next SVU crime scene. Apparently, the designer had a real sense of humor and went with black bile, yellow bile, and phlegm as the inspiration.

Humor, amazing. Thank you. Yeah, if you punched Aaron Rogers in the face and drew some blood, he'd look like he got coughed up by a smoker with lung cancer. Oh, my God. I fucking hate him. It's the worst uniform in the history of time. Okay, and last but only least in terms of height, Tom,

Ralph would like some of your signature sauce for his lab maple. Ralph wants me to roast his snoring chocolate lab named maple. First off, Ralph, that name is stupid. Not Ralph, although that's a contendent. Maple? Maple, really? Because your brown dog reminds you of the amber color of maple syrup? Amber's already a color.

Ralph, you could have just named the dog Amber or any other name but Maple. Hey, you want to know why your dog snores, Ralph? It's because he's in bread. That's how labs work, man. A bunch of Amish buggy fuckers run pretty much all the puppy mills in America. And they run the places like a cross between their own non-branching bloodlines and Heath's porn viewing habits. So your dog... I got to compliment that time.

Your dog likely originated from a religiously run incest factory whose sole purpose is shitting out genetically defective animals by the thousands so that you can put a Who rescued Who Bumper sticker on your fucking Subaru and clean up the pittal of a bladder loosened by excitement and the sorts of hereditary monstrosities reserved for the darkest dwellings of Appalachia. Maple? Really? I mean, fitting, since one of the genetically predominant diseases, the Amish puppy mill assholes are prone to as a result of living in their own puppy mill of their own choosing

is maple syrup urine disease. I mean, seriously, though, this dog is cute as a button, which is just going to make it all the more heartbreaking when he dies of hip dysplasia before reaching 10 years old because he's the result of 20 generations of everything nature abhors. Jesus Christ. Like Amish. Why did you ask me to do that? And Ralph, it's who rescued whom, you fucking idiot.

Thank you. It's whom. All right. I guess he got his money's worth. I think our podcast just failed. Does the dog die test? It did. It just died.

All right. So we got one more round to single roast your heath. Let's start with you. Floyd would like you to roast the recently deceased Mormon prophet, Russell M. Nelson. Okay. So I knew nothing about him. than, you know, old white guy with a ridiculous magical title from the Mormon church. So I looked him up and here's what I learned.

According to his Wikipedia page, he was an amazing progressive leader of the Mormon church who ushered in a new era of LGBTQ acceptance and also strict accountability to address the long history of sexual abuse in the church. And I was like, well, that's an obvious lie. They clearly have an in-house PR team, aggressively doctoring Wikipedia pages. So I dug a tiny bit deeper. Turns out I was completely right about that.

In 2015, Russell officially labeled all same-sex couples as apostates and banned their kids from getting baptized. That sounds more like it. He explained that he's not a bigot, though. It was a revelation from God. So hands were tied. And then in 2019, here's the woke part. He rolled back that policy.

well some of it but the church continued being officially against same-sex marriage as we all know that was also a revelation from God in 2019 the omniscient creator of the universe fucking called back four years later

with new wording to rebrand the same bigot policy so Russell I was just mad about the end of queer as folk let's give this four years to be law and in terms of sexual abuse Russell's daughter Brenda and her husband Richard were the defendants in a 2018 lawsuit about being sexual abusers all the way back to the 1980s.

Also, just by chance, the same week the lawsuit got filed and came out in the press, Russell called for all church members to do a 10-day fast from social media and any other media that brings negative thoughts. What? Wow. Everyone would look over there. He threw a smoke bomb at the press conference. Pocket sand. What's that over there as a policy? Jesus is an unreal.

Hey, everybody lean in. Pocket sand at this press conference. Yeah. Phones at the front of the church. Yeah. So, okay, that's all terrifying. Super glad he died in September. The only positive was when I looked on Google images and just,

by chance. I got a flip book of, I think, a testicle trying to smile, but failing. It was like me trying to do push-ups, and pretty quickly I start shaking, and then I fall on my face. That's what it looks like when he smiles. All right, Eli, how about a roast for

Hispanics who voted for Trump? Oh, man. I think if you're a Hispanic who voted for Trump, your vote should count as a suicide attempt. Right. You got to get a semi- colon tattoo with all the girls who worked at Hot Topic between 2000 and 2010. And I

do not mean of whatever's left inside the president's body. I mean the punctuation symbol. You really read that first they came for the Quakers poem and we're like, oh, dude, we're way up the list. Plenty of time. Look at the bright side, okay?

So many of you are about to lose your right to vote when Donald Trump overturns birthright citizenship. You won't even have worry about you as a voting block anymore. So it's just a win, win, win, win. Oh, God. Oh, no. All right. So, Cecil, I have an easy one for you here. Kurt would like a roast of

his Catholic Trumper parents. Kurt, I know you said that you couldn't have asked for better parents to raise you. You say that you're now Trump or parents that you cut out of your life, taught you self-discipline, how to be kind and how to respect others. Let me stop you right there. Yes, you

fucking could have asked for better parents. okay. The ones that you have voted to zip tie toddlers because there's too many brown M&Ms in the ball, man. You see, they didn't teach you to respect others. They just sequestered you into a place where the people around them, they happen to respect. They didn't necessarily teach you to be kind.

They taught you to be kind very conditionally. It's like settling on an ethical mindset because Prime can deliver it before 8 a.m. Come on. That's fucking good. all right noah this next one's for you julia would like a roast of mike pence oh thank you julia yeah as julia pointed out in her email a lot of people seem to have forgotten what a virulent piece of shit mike pence is just because like he once refused to play along with a doomed and idiotic scheme to help keep the presidency by locking the white house door and pretending not to be home right

that's what he did yeah and they forgive him but but mike pence's chief accomplishments before becoming a vice president we're allowing businesses to refuse to serve gay people and making AIDS worse yeah right that's what he did as governor of indiana he also he also looks too generic to exist in the real world right like like nobody had used any options when they made he looks like the like the grandpa in a fisher price homophobe family play set or something All right, so how about one of our very first roasters of the fundraiser? Nathan would like Tom to roast his brother, Andrew. Okay, so I was specifically requested here,

and I was asked to roast Andrew in an encouraging way. Oh, what? Nathan, have you heard what I encourage people that I'm roasting to do? Like, are you vying to be the last man standing for a sizable inheritance? Nathan? Because we can work out a reasonable split. Nathan gave me literally no details here except that Andrew is awesome and has been out of work for about a year. So I guess he's not awesome at interviews. He's selectively awesome. Like, what do you want me to say to encourage Andrew in a fucking void, Nathan? You want me to encourage

him to keep throwing his bloodied body against the grinding wheels of relentless late stage capitalism you want me to sideways tell Andrew not to give up to lie to tell him hey it gets better that a job will solve the problem for him that by allowing his personhood to be indifferently consumed in the gaping maw of a global system of financial oppression that that will give him the sort of purpose that he lacks and that even if it did that would speak volumes about his own lack of value even to himself okay sure yeah hey Andrew I know right now it feels like you're locked out of the system. But don't fret my pet. Eventually, either the system will pull you into its frightful jaws and feast on your sweat and bones and grind from you your hopes and dreams and everything good

and sweet and honest about who you are and what you thought you could be or you will be perpetually the man on the outside. Not even good enough to be grist. A man willing to be consumed but so distasteful your blood and tears aren't even worth being used as lube to fuck your Own ass. Oh, God. This Christ. Chin up, though, champ. It gets better.

Encouraging. Motivational. Yeah, well done. Well done. All right. So finally, let's do our last round of full court roasting. These folks didn't just make it into our top 50, but they were some of the top rosters of the entire fundraiser. So everyone feel free to chime in, starting with David, who donated 5,000 smackaroos for us to roast mandatory password changes.

Oh, yeah? You think password once? two, three, four, six is going to be the one that fools the hackers, do you? With the quantum computer? Come on. You think any system that I am allowed to be a part of is safe? I write my passwords down on my hands and I label them. You are wasting your time.

Yeah, what do we do with passwords? Just give me the Satan chip implanted in my forehead already. I want that. When I buy a coffee, I want a headbutt. that scanner and move on. We have the tech. That's how Bill Gates did COVID, idiots. We have it.

Proof of concept. Let's fucking go. How is it we can have AI that can put like useless M dashes in shit or think up nonsensical dichotomies or drink entire reservoirs of water like bugs of bunny cartoon and about a desert a wasis?

And we still have to come up with a new password every few minutes so a series of ones and zeros can recognize our Badge number? What the fuck is this? Guys, it's simple. All you have to do is come up with a new 16 character password that includes at least one digit, one capital letter, and one punctuation every couple of months for every single website with passwords that you use without ever writing them down or reusing the same one.

And the punishment for getting it wrong is just all your money, your identity and debts that the bank can somehow loan to the wrong you but still make the right you pay for. It's a small price to pay for the third. 14th best way to secure websites according to every IT expert I've ever fucking asked. So I don't see what the big deal is. Maybe I want someone

to steal my identity. You ever fucking think of that, assholes? Interesting. Like, I've been writing my social security number on the walls of every shitter on the dark web for years. You want to steal my identity? Have fucking edit, man, because I'll tell you what,

you would last a week out here being me. And when When I want my identity back, I'll just follow the sound of a creaking ceiling fan rotating slowly in a transient hotel to fucking hang yourself in. Honestly, I asked a couple of friends who are experts at this. I was like, oh, how do you like, what's the best way to be secure? And they're like, nah, you're just, you're getting a hacked if they want to hack. You just fucking know what's happening. There's no thing.

All right. And speaking of assholes, Logan would like a roast of acting assistant secretary of war for health affairs, Stephen Ferrara. Okay. Well, I just want to say that I think it's actually great that the Earl of Lemon Grab landed back on his feet now that adventure time is over. Good for him. Now, is he doing less war crimes than he was in his old job? Hard to say. Are they less candy themed? Almost. Almost. I mean, they don't allow gender affirming care in the Pentagon anymore unless it's non-GMO organic bronzer or whatever the fuck happened to. Laura Loomers. Those two things are allowed. That's terrifying. All right, so yeah, because the verbose, nonsensical Habsburg-era-S-Spanish aristocrat-ass length title of acting assistant secretary

of war for health affairs apparently translates to transphobic chief, right? Or sorry, that's more grandiose than he does. Like, first assistant to the regional transphobic chief, right? Amazing. Right. This is the motherfucker who's using his MD to sign off on Trump and Hax's regressive anti-science vision. of medicine, i.e. denying

care to trans people. And as a bonus for us, he looks like a mascot for weasel dildos. Yeah, also, he got rid of medical exemptions for shaving. Yes. Which affects black soldiers more than anyone else. But it also affects balding white guys

with features that their mom describes as cherubic. And if they can't have a beard at all, I look like a sick old baby all the time. In other words, you look like Stephen Ferrara at that point or me with no beauty. Yeah, right, yeah. Also, kind of like Stephen Miller going through some kind of evil shape-shifting mishap.

He looks like Stephen Miller started getting older and younger at the same time. And morphing into Alfred E. Newman and Monty Burns simultaneously. Not sure how it's possible, but it is mathematically true. And I made a little chart. You did. He did. He made a chart. For the listeners at home,

like our patrons at a $2 level, they get access to the script. And it is worth it just to see this chart. It is a mathematical proof of concept here. Yeah. He did the work. I like to think that he just Googled and found this. Google's like,

did you mean this chart? I did. I need some inspo. I'm just Googling for inspo. This guy is in charge of keeping the military fit, which he'll do by, let me check my notes, telling everyone to rub some dirt in it.

This is a guy who joined an administration vaulted into power in part through an anti-war message that immediately changed the Department of Defense to the Department of War. It's almost like these guys aren't meant to be taken as honest, good, serious people. Crazy. Hey, Stephen, when you're ironing your brown shirts for work next week, remember how many other lacklustered toadies for fascist dictators ended up living long, prosperous lives and how many others ended up paced beneath toppled statues. There you go.

All right. This next one is a vulgarity for charity first. Joseph would like us to all have at his leaky asshole. And he paid $1,420 for the privilege, which is $1,450 more than we usually get. So let's give it a go. All right. Well, Joseph, I just want to say here at the outset that I understand you. I have sympathy, Joseph, because I understand that a leaky asshole is a betrayal of one of the most foundational forms of trust.

The trust between myself and a fart. You might as well tell me my mother is one of the vampires from sinners, doctor. Me and farts have depended on each other for too long for me to give up on this now. I'm just carrying extra pairs of underwear in the dashboard of my car. Hey, man. We all been fuck so hard in every hole since the pandemic. It's fine if we collectively leave a little snail trail wherever we go. So here's the problem.

As Joseph made clear in his lengthy email about his leaky asshole, you're welcome that I read that. The problem with the leaky asshole isn't that it's leaky is that it isn't leaky enough. There's this like gravity defying level of anal leakage where there's always a threat of a leak, but it just won't fucking leak and get it over with? Just pick a fucking mode, asshole.

Thank you. Noah, an asshole is a door. That's it. It's a door. And as a door, it's only really useful in binary terms. Yes. Open when needed, closed when needed. It's nature's least complicated structure. Really? Just keep the shit in until it's time to squat over Trump's grave

or in the coat closet of the Trump Kennedy Senate. and then open seseming. Look, this country has enough leaky assholes as it is. There's no need for you to carry one around and not even invite an Atlantic reporter to document. Okay, I feel like nobody's doing the assignment exactly, except maybe Noah. Joseph paid good money for us to go in hard on his leaky asshole.

And I got to say, it's gross, Joseph. It's gross. The video you sent me was shocking. It's like appalling, ghastly. It looked like a Sarlok got food poisoning from Chewbacca. But I will say, I was impressed with the camera work. I don't know how you did that with like a GoPro and a like cool articulating selfie stick or whatever. I don't know.

Good work on the camera. I don't know where you were holding that gimbal, but you were holding it. It was a three camera shot too. So like, yeah. How did you fit the green screen screen? in there's what I want. So, okay, so, but I should, I should point out, by the way, that the actual roast was to either do his leaky asshole or Donald Trump.

I didn't mention to these people that Donald Trump was an option anyway. So, okay. That's a distinction without a difference. Really, yeah. So, okay, so A.J. would like us to roast. He's dying. He's going to be dying. And slowly, though, and slowly, just how he wanted it.

This is what it would sound like if Donald Trump was his asshole. Blah, la, la, la. He got an MRI that confirmed he's really smart. Yeah, his IQ via MRI was quite high. All right. So AJ would like us to roast Samuel Alito. All right. So I know that the other guys are going to take a shot at Sam

for the bad things that he said and done. But Samuel Alito for me is a constant reminder that I am a coward. That I don't really want the world. to change, and I don't really care about other people more than my own comfort and freedom, because Samuel Alito lives 12 minutes from my house.

Okay, okay. Twelve minutes. A woman's right to get an abortion was a shorter drive away than my favorite vegan diners. And sure. Maybe I would have failed. Maybe it's pointless to suppose, but I didn't even try, and I curse

Samuel Alito for reminding me of that every single day. They'd pick a younger Samuel Alito. Okay. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, exactly. If you like it's a really bad diagnosis, I think there's good news. Yeah, well, you know, you never know. There's bad news, obviously, but good news. Not 10 years ago they wouldn't have. All right, so, now, so

we can't have Brave Eli, but we can have, at the very least, the neighbor who trolled Alito with a fuck Trump sign so hard that he got mad and he put up an upside down on American flag in solidarity with January 6 rioters, an

act so fucking egregious that even Republican senators were publicly calling him out for it. And then he blamed his wife and he said that his neighbor called her a cunt. He went out, like he had a whole press conference where he went out and he said like it was his wife's fault and his neighbor called her a cunt.

It's not like that part's not relevant to the story. But he seemed to want the entire world to know that his neighbor thought his wife was a cunt. Look, man, if there's any real justice in this world for this justice, people would pay a lot of money to go on a

hunting trip with Sam, but not like a co-op PVE kind of way, if you know what I mean, you know? Okay, Samuel Alito is the worst American person. Huh? Like, just the worst one. Yes. His personal opinion

carries more power than just about anyone else in the country by a factor of like 10 million, other than the billionaires flying him around on private jets. And he's smart enough to know what's right and wrong and he does the wrong evil thing every single fucking time

because of his tiny little white guy grievances and the bribery from the billionaires. Yeah. Yeah, that's that too. So if there was a purge, like it was legal and there's a purge, I'm already standing right behind him with a bat and a spoon. And I'd have to push my way to the front of a pretty big crowd. Yeah.

So, okay, actually, we need to plan this out. So we're not like wasting time during the, hypothetical purge when it's all completely legal in this hypothetical scenario that we're talking about on this comedy podcast of mostly jokes make a bit i'm just going to make a note to self hold a draft at the next antifa meter to work this all out you got to stop the whole work so many action items on the list already i can't just i'm writing it down also he wanted to know about the intellectual merit of horn hub last year during oral argument This is what he asked during oral arguments about that.

This is a Supreme Court case. He said, does Pornhub have essays there by the modern day equivalent of Gore Vidal and William? Such a piece of shit. Also, it's not just your neighbor who thinks your wife's a cunt. Your wife's a cunt. I'm also saying that. She got caught on video doing a big homophobic rant. You're both extremely cunty people.

He's so fucking worst. 11 minutes away. Samuel Alito is proof that we do not live in a meritocracy. Ironclad, full stop, empirical evidence. He is also proof that a man can remove his own ribs to rim his own ass, which is the only way he can pull his legal rationales from between his cheeks and ram his legacy of cruelty and misogyny down the throats of a generation. Sam Alito is a walking Plessy v. Ferguson.

He is a man who will be. remembered by who overturns him. He is an object lesson in civic corruption, stupidity, and cowardice, and a justice who will be renowned forever for his opinions assuring right-wing fascists that he's working to build a white, male America for just us. Yep. Yep. All right.

Finally, David would like us to roast getting old. And I just, I want to commend David for, in his email, singling me and Tom out for, quote, having experiences with getting old issues. Not me. Look, look, I get it when it comes to the... Baby fresh over here. Look, I get it when it comes to the significantly younger than me, Tom,

but I don't have any getting old issues. I mean, like, yes, I'm turning 50 in a couple of months, but other than like a few wrinkles and a few more gray hairs than brown ones, and one small, heart attack. I have fun. Like, no signs of getting old at all. In fact, I'm in the best shape of my life,

a condition that I assured by my assiduous efforts to never be in particularly good shape at any previous point in my life. That's how it works. I guess the part about getting old that I like the least is how little of a difference I ended up making. Sure. Yeah. Rough. Like, I really did try to make the world a better place. You know, and all my magic mentees are selfishly. little bitches. My acting students are waitresses and waiters at best. But in a larger sense,

no matter how hard I fought to make the country better or gentler, it's just gotten demonstrably worse in every imaginable way. I was outvoted by evil and despite my best efforts, I will always be the Trump electing Roe versus Wade overturning generation. Yeah. That's the label in the history books that my grandchildren's grandchildren will accept without bothering to check what I thought or wrote on Facebook. Also, my neck hurts if I sleep on it wrong and that's, I don't like that thing.

That's the worst. Yeah, right? My neck hurts if I look wrong the wrong way for 30 seconds. Are you kidding me? Yes, right, right? Check the back seat. Well, come on. Oh, yeah, back up cameras. That's like the rest of your week if you look at something wrong. Throw my finger out using a mouse.

What does it say about the best part about getting old is Joseph's leaky asshole? What is it saying? You know? All right. So far, getting old has been a hoot. I especially love the crippling, agonizing, mind-shattering pain of waking up just again. Yeah.

That's been fun. Yeah. And a constant reminder that the days of my youth and the joys that come with that are slipping inextorably away, leaving in their wake, scar. of a life that I will never have the opportunity to heal and the blistering reality that I didn't live up to any of my own expectations and have run out of time to do better. And that the highest likelihood is that this is it, this, that the chance to be more and better has passed me by, that my time of relevance in any sense beyond the financial has passed.

And that the story of who I am is not only written, but is in fact not a particularly compelling tale. But if I'm really lucky, I'll get another four decades or so of slow to close. to measure my personal failings again. Okay, I'm not sure if this one is just me getting old or if it's everyone having this problem, but it's a technology thing, so I have to assume it's me being old. When I'm trying to read an article on my phone, I feel like it's becoming physically impossible to just scroll through it like a human being might want to do while reading.

And I assume these websites want me to read their thing, right? That's like their business. But for some reason, I can't just slowly move down through the text without some kind of insane like double ratchet motion jumping me three pages down and then shooting me back up a different number of pages. It's crazy. And then there's some kind of like new unrelated digital object taking up the whole page I'm on at that point.

I don't know what that is. But that thing, whatever it is, doesn't appear right away sometimes. So I try to scroll back to. to my original place, but I end up grabbing the crazy new thing that's not really part of the page and I like digitally stub my finger, whatever that means,

and everything goes nowhere. But then if I touch it again at the wrong moment, it shoots me another random number of pages away from where I was. It's crazy. It's like using my finger to climb a cargo net. It feels like I'm climbing a cargo net. I don't know, up or down,

not clear, sideways, non-Euclidean. I'm climbing a cargo net. And the net keeps like, unfurling and releasing hidden pockets of extra netting while trying to read with my oldest fuck eyes. All that is happening. I don't get, I often scream and then weep. I don't understand what's happening.

I feel old and scared. Screaming and weeping, that's getting old. All right. Well, that's going to do it for the vulgarity for charity roasts here on the Scathing Atheist. There are still a few more coming over on cog discs. So be sure to keep an ear out for those. And Tom Cecil, thank you for all the work that you guys do to make this fundraiser such a success year after year.

Thanks for having us, man. It's awesome as always. Cecil makes me do it. Before we debut, the new copyright warning, I want to remind everybody that I'm taking part in a fundraiser for the Creator Accountability Network. And in conjunction with that fundraiser, I'm acting in a play that we're going to be performing online on Thursday, January 8th. That's a week from today.

Be sure to check the show notes to learn. and more. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on look out for a brand new episode of our sister-so's hot friend Godaw movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-sister-saw Citation Needed debuting at noon-eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would fall short as showed them if I neglected to thank Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick for another year of being awesome. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucindililililu-in delusions who promises to do more twims this year. I also want to thank

Tom and Cecil one more time for all their help this week and throughout the year. Again, be sure check the show notes for more of them. I also want to thank Claire and Catherine for providing the first Farnsworth quote of 2026. We've got the link to buy Girl Scout cookies from Claire in the show notes. She's taking orders until January 14th, and it would be really awesome if our audience could make her day by buying a fuck ton of cookies from her. So if you don't already have a hookup in the family, be sure to check the show notes. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, but I can't do it by name because we're recording this bit early so that we can get in on all the New Year's Eve festivities. But I promise I will thank you by name next week.

And if you'd like to hear your name alongside theirs, be sure to keep that new year. year's resolution you made about supporting all your favorite online content creators. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists, whereby you're only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingaith.com. And if you'd like to help but you didn't make no resolution like that, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us. Our audio engineer is

Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats or find all the contact info on the page at skating aadies.com. And finally tonight. Sorry, Eli, do. Would you like to like speaking? No. You want the near, near in there.

Okay. Leave it. All right. Leave it. Okay. that people need to know. No second takes. No second takes.

The Brando of podcasting. The very old Brando. I'm the Brando who had to like staple fucking his lines onto Charlie Sheen's chest. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-4-255 or on their website at creator accountabilitynetwork.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. 26, all rights reserved.