The Scathing Atheist - 672: Fast Fashin' Edition

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

In this week’s episode, Christians declare that he who is without boot should lick the first soul, JD Vance is NOT allowed to hold the fetus trophy at the March For Life rally, and we’ll find out that the Bibleman franchise could too be more cheaply made.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:Christian responses to killing in Minneapolis: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2026/01/christian-conservative-leader-rages-at-presbyterian-church-for-honoring-obscene-renee-good/ and https://x.com/JoelWebbon/status/2015476133773414729, https://x.com/seanfeucht/status/2015201292847902815, and https://x.com/Riley_Gaines_/status/2015192318295290345 and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_deaths_in_ICE_detentionScientist claims to have found the 'exact location of Heaven' in his open letter for Fox News:https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/is-heaven-real-science-may-reveal-where-gods-eternal-kingdom-existshttps://www.unilad.com/community/life/exact-location-heaven-michael-guillen-harvard-462097-20260122The scandal rocking Bethel Church and the world of charismatic Christians: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/the-scandal-rocking-bethel-churchJD Vance gives absurd speech at March For Life anti-choice rally: https://www.christianpost.com/news/jd-vance-abortion-debate-a-question-of-choosing-god-or-paganism.html

Warning, if you don't want to hear adult language, it's already too late to fuck off. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by the MAGA brand Ling Bull Boot Cleaning Service available now on the comment section of every goddamn news story out of Minneapolis. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, I'm out with one T. I'm new to the whole atheism thing, but it makes a lot of sense now that I think critically about it. Because of going to school in Alabama all my life, I have seen the bad side of creativity. Christianity and conservatism. And because of it, I can officially tell you, beyond a reasonable doubt, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's January 29th. And it's Free Thinkers Day. Yeah, and the fact that it's also Kermudgeon's Day is a coincidence. I don't think it is. I'm no illusions. I'm Milibosnik. I'm Heathenwright. And from Lord John Barclays, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia.

This is the scathing atheist. Of this week's episode, Christians declare that he who is without boot should lick the first soul. J.D. Vance is not allowed to hold the fetus trophy at the March for Life Round. And we'll find out that the Bible Man franchise could too be more cheaply made. But first, the diatribe. Okay, I know how bad this is going to sound, but some of my best friends are Christian. And we just, we mostly just don't talk about religion. because I don't want to argue about it in my off time,

and they don't want to argue about it with somebody who knows how wrong they are for a living. But it's always kind of burbling just below the surface, this palpable desire from them to show me, if not the truth of their religion's claims, at least their value, right? Here's what religion even does here. So it was in this vein that I found a message in my inbox the other day

with the playful message. See, sometimes our side does some good above a joint message that was put out by a few, liberal churches in Minnesota condemning the murderous federal rampage in Minneapolis. So I sent back, yeah, it's nice of the minority of Christians to condemn that thing the majority of Christians did now that it's directly affecting them. And I included the story about the protesters bursting in on the church service because their pastor was a fucking ice agent, which is a great reminder of why we mostly don't talk about

religion, I guess. But it's also a great reminder of just how low they want to. want to put the bar for their faith to cross, right? Because here we have a fascist army occupying a U.S. city in the name of Christian nationalism under the direction of a president put in office almost exclusively by Christians and by appealing to the unique prejudices of Christians. It's literally murdering people in broad daylight with impunity. So these churches get together and sign a strongly worded letter. And the bar for, church does a good thing is so fucking low at this point that a Christian thought that was a significant enough accomplishment to prompt an eyebrow wiggle to his atheist friend.

But of course, what we have to constantly remind ourselves is that when they're doing the weighing, there's no minus, right? When you or I look at religion's meager benefits, we're weighing them against all the terrible shit that religion does. But religious people have all kinds of creative ways of not my Jesusing that stuff away. When a religion, person does a bad thing in the name of religion, it's always the person and never the religion's fault, right? That person was misreading the gospel. They were corrupting God's word. They were losing sight of Christ's message. Some shit like that doesn't count. On base, not touching. Can't get mad. And of course, once you've wiped the minus column clean,

it's pretty easy for even the meagorous assortment of empty gestures and hollow words to look good. Those do, after all, way more than nothing. So when they say, here's an example of Christianity making a person more moral, they're not going to weigh that against all the examples of Christianity making a person more homophobic. When they say, here's an example of Christianity prompting a person to give to charity, they're not weighing against all the examples of Christianity

misappropriating charity money to sell their faith or reuse their hypodermic needles. When they say, here's an example of a Christian church opening its doors to the unhoused, they're not going to weigh that against all the examples of church leaders lobbying against politicians and policies that would reduce homelessness. It makes you wonder if the doctrine of universal forgiveness doesn't have its origin in self-interest, right?

Like maybe when you have as much sin and bullshit on your ledger as the Christian church, it's best to prime everybody in advance to think a universal forgiveness is the highest ethical calling. I mean, if God forgives us for all of our sins, surely we can forgive him for his, right? They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. joining me for headlines tonight. Are two liberals the government hasn't killed yet, Heath Endwright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, do you hear the people sing? Yeah, cross my fingers. Let's check back in when tomorrow comes. Yeah, I'm not going to sing it? And by the way, if you're not picturing me and Heath doing a little fall of rain right now, you are not the woman I married podcast listener. All right, so in our lead story tonight, Americans are growing outrage now that ICE is killing the wrong color of people.

In addition to the six people who have died their detention facilities this year, one of whom, by the way, appears to have been choked to death by a guard. They also gunned down 37-year-old poet and mother of three Renee Good on January 7th. And most recently, at least at the time of this recording, they murdered Alex Preddy, a VA nurse who had the audacity to not be sufficiently scared of them. Just checking the news. Yeah, not a third one today.

Today, yeah, not, yeah. But by the time this comes out, who knows. And, of course, despite official statements from the highest level of government that Pretty was coming right at them. Americans don't seem to be buying it. They're outrageous, spilling into normally apolitical spaces like golf groups, cooking influencers, and

R-slash cat bongos. A Reddit dedicated to playing your cat like they're a teeny little drum. What? Yeah. Uh-huh. They're having a big debate about it. That's the rest of my day. You guys go ahead. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you got it. Because, of course, despite with the bots on even mainstream media posts

about this on social media would like for you to believe for the vast majority of Americans gunning us down in the street for no reason does represent a red line. There's a drunk guy walking into the simulation room. Okay. Okay. This will do it. The Nazis kill a lady named good and a guy named Pretty and a baby called innocence.

Fuck. Why won't they revolt? And look, I don't love that it took for us to be the ones getting shot for this to be the case. But it's 2026. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. You know what? I am going to do that. Lots of the country heard about Renee Good getting murdered. And people were like, okay, that's your one.

Yeah. That's a lot of people. I don't know how cars work. Hey, how about this? No more guns. No cops, no Gestapo's, no civilians. No guns. You just don't get guns.

If you want some, I don't know if you want venison, get better at tackling. We don't need regular people having guns. Yeah. Man up. No, of course, there's nothing so openly fiscistic and untrue. that America's Christians won't line up in favor of it. So despite the widespread condemnation of the killing from even traditionally conservative spaces like gun rights advocates and even some Republicans in Congress,

there's still plenty of Christian leaders willing to line up in favor of it. And much of their defense seems to amount to like, well, you know, hey, when you're licking their boots, they can't shoot you in the back of the head without risking hitting their own foot, right? It's called rendering under Caesar guys. It's actually super important to God. Look it up. Yeah, I've been doing a new thing with my tree of liberty, actually.

I'm using ice cum instead of the other tires. I don't know how I get the ice cream. It makes it easier. It just makes the whole thing easier. Oh, yeah. Yep, right through a house. So, okay, so we're going to start with pastor, missionary, and man who lacks the noev, Sean Fect.

He took time off of praising violent Christian supremacy and song to issue advice in the form of a tweet that read, quote, how not to get shot by ice. One, do not resist arrest. Two, also do not resist arrest while touching a loaded firearm, end quote. Sorry, one second, darling. I'm just writing a tweet. How not to die at Auschwitz. Be a problem solver, not a problem creator.

Give up your seat to the old people on the train. Just don't fuck up the vibes in our Holocaust. Yeah, now there's plenty of shit wrong with that tweet, including the fact that it makes no fucking sense to have a two that is a subset of one on a fucking list. But most importantly, the murder is on a fucking list. But most importantly, the murder is on video from multiple angles and there's no evidence whatsoever that Prady ever touched the gun on his fucking hip, which, importantly, had already been removed by an ICE officer before he was shot for the first fucking time, right? And he's fully allowed to have that gun. That too, yeah.

Just to be clear. Super important. But damn telling, though, that even this asshole wasn't willing to go as far as claiming that Priddy pulled his gun, which was the official story at the time of the tweet, right? It also probably bears mention that resisting arrest is not a capital crime in the U.S. as it turns out. Yeah, dude, the founding fathers that you cannot stop sucking off every third sentence used to tar and feather the mayor when crops didn't grow. They would hate you, Sean. Do you know they would hate you?

The Irish actually had it worse during slavery. Oh, they heard of a lot. There's books about it. We had a very tough time, my people. So, okay, so we got a more detailed version of the same thing from poor man's Matt Walsh, Joel Webin, who rooted his bootlicking in the Bible. He quoted Romans 13, which reads, well, this is the relevant passage anyway, quote, whoever resists the authorities resist what God has appointed and those who resist will incur judgment, end quote. A sentiment that I'm sure he was all about back during COVID, right? and, of course, which will evaporate again,

the nanoseconded Democrat is in charge of something. Okay, but President AOC, you heard him, right? Yeah. Right between Joel's eyes when you get first day. I want you to swear in on Joel Webbin's corpse, okay? Hello, Republican Congresspeople and Supreme Court justices. I'm President A.O.C. I'm going to shoot you and pardon myself.

Well, I'm going to do that, but I don't even have to do that because I have immunity for this official act. Anyway, yeah, yeah, it turns out. I'm going to do that. Or you can vote to ban. explodey tools of death like this one I'm holding right now. I'm going to count to three. I'm going to count to two and a half. So get in there.

Wait, let me do Anthony first. And then I'm going to count it. There's no stopping what I'm going to do to Anthony. And look, to be fair, a lot of Christian leaders have condemned the murder of Prattie. Even some of the ones that like normally simp for all the Trump anti-immigration bullshit. But most of the ones that put him back in the White House, spell right the fucking line and they pretended that Freddie did whatever the accusation du jour turned out to be and as from like the more mainstream ones like the southern baptist

convention the best they could manage was a very audible silence and in deo cashing news what if god is a space alien on a super sweet rocket and what if heaven is actually a galaxy of paradise hurtling throughout our space, but we just can't catch it because we're not moving fast enough to compete with the speed of light. And if we're cool right now, what if we can zoop out there when we die? These are the questions with, of course, your stoned friends at 3 a.m., but also they were the questions that finally got answered last week by a scientist. Huh. Yeah, that scientist is Michael Guienne, a former physics instructor at Harvard University.

And he published an open essay on the topic in the prestigious science journal called Fox News. And the title is, well, it's tricky. It's a question and then a may-pea statement and then another question for the title. The title is threefold. It says, is heaven real? Science may reveal where God's eternal kingdom exists. Where exactly is heaven? end of my title.

I bet Harvard's proud. Hey, folks, we'd just like to remind you of our Ted Cruz connections. Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg, that lawyer guy who does the war crimes. There's lots of folks to focus on. Okay, but seriously, Michael, if I have to put up with these questions, I expect you to pass me a joint at some point, right? Those are the rules.

Yes, exactly. And you have to forget what you asked way before I can finish my answer. Thank you. And a big thanks to Chester. for sending a link to Skating News at gmail.com. Chester gets to spark the next joint, even if he doesn't roll it. Okay, so I'm sorry,

but like my friend who I would have been having these conversations with at 3 a.m. when I was a kid was Chester. That's fucking funny. Yeah, hell yeah. So here's what we learned from this man of science in his essay. Guillen is going to zero in on a tricky concept

in astrophysics. It's called up. Most lay people don't realize this very simple idea, but up is where outer space is. Outer space is up. And that relates to some key information in a physics book called the Bible. In the Bible, it says the people are looking up at God in heaven. It does. And that tracks with some other moments in that science textbook when God is looking down at humans on Earth.

It all tracks. So with that established, Giena. writes, quote, imagine boarding a nuclear-powered rocket and traveling straight up into deep space. Will you ever reach a point far enough up into space that you finally reach heaven? No. Hey, Mike, let's see how fast we can run from our office to the university psych department. You ready? I'm going to time you, buddy.

Are you ready? Here we go. Come up, fast guy. So I'm sorry. Does he think we all have the same up? right? If you're a flat earth you have to disclose that

at the front of your article, okay? Yeah. So before you guys laugh off the idea, consider this. No. Too late. Okay. Because now that was me

and also an exact quote from the article. Okay. Well, the no was just me. It should have been in the article. Okay. Here's what Guienne tells us. Editor's note, no. Here's what Gien

tells us to consider. There's this guy. named Edwin Hubble. Maybe you've heard of him. He's got a fucking telescope named after him. He's also a scientist. And he discovered with science that galaxies are rushing away from each other

and there's a pattern to it. That pattern is called Hubble's Law and Guyan describes it for us in terms of the uppishness concept. Quote, the farther up in space a galaxy is located, the farther it is away from Earth,

the faster it's moving away from the Earth, and everything else, end quote. Heath, you got to stop quoting from this article. You're going to give Noah another heart attack. So far, I mean, other than shoehorning up into there, he at least got Hubble's law right, but that's the last thing he's going to get right. Yeah, it's going to ramp right down from there.

But here's where it gets really interesting. Again, that was me and the next sentence of the essay exactly. Guilla continues. He's spitting around in his chair at us in his article. But here's what you haven't consider words on a page. We saw you spin away and then spin back. He kind of took it away. All right.

He continued. But here's where it gets really interesting. Theoretically, a galaxy that's 273 billion trillion miles away from Earth would move at 186,000 miles per second. Relative to what, Mikey? Right? Because if it's us, then we're also moving 186,000 miles per second away from it. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's the speed of light. He did correctly sort of identify the speed of light. But he missed relativity. He's going to try to go back for it later, but not to help out with what Noah just said. He continues, that distance way up there in space is called the cosmic horizon. That means you and I can never reach the cosmic horizon, not even aboard the most souped up nuclear-powered rocket imaginable. Stop saying nuclear power. Nuclear power was not the thing.

That was the difference. It's not the issue. Yeah. Because as Einstein explained in his theory of special relativity, only light and certain other non-material phenomena can travel at the speed of light. Okay. The addition of angels to Einstein's theory aside. Where is heaven located exactly, though? Great question. That was Eli and the next sentence of the essay. Continuing. So then where is heaven located? Exactly. It's entirely possible, heaven is located on the other side of the cosmic horizon. Okay, so the whole article is, guys, I found out of the thing science can't check.

So we can just put all our bullshit in here, guys, they can't check. So I wrote a science essay about something that's uncheckable by science. Pretty roomy here in this gap. Roomy. No one's ever going to fill this. So according to Ken, here's the why. And his why, it's going to be fourfold. this time.

Ooh. One, according to modern cosmology, an entire universe exists beyond the cosmic horizon, but it's permanently hidden from us because we can never reach, let alone cross over, the cosmic horizon. Did you hear that podcast listener? It was as if a thousand voices

of a thousand cosmologists cried out at once in a universe. Okay, so translations of our one, far exists. Got it. We agree. So far we agree. Okay. Two. Our best astronomical observations and Einstein's theories of special and general relativity indicate that time stops at the cosmic horizon.

What? That special distance way up there in deep, deep, deep, deep space. The deeps are threefold. There is no past, present, or future. There's only timelessness. Okay, so now you're just making shit up. Everywhere is beyond somewhere else's cosmic horizon. No, you start.

You start here is where you start. You have to start here. We don't interrupt. Okay. Three. I said it was fourfold ahead of time. Three. Unlike time, however, space does exist at and beyond the cosmic horizon,

which means the hidden universe beyond the cosmic horizon is habitable, albeit only by light and light like. Jesus Christ. My pillows. So, okay. Well, wait. Prove that unicorns couldn't live there, man. They're fast. Super fast. Ooh. And four, according to modern cosmology, the cosmic horizon is lined with the very oldest celestial objects in the observable universe. Oh, my God. That means whatever exists beyond the cosmic horizon predates these oldest objects, predates the so-called Big Bang, predates the beginning of the observable universe.

Oh, God, that's why he says it's timeless. Okay, so Harvard is humiliated right now. Okay, should be clear. I'm humiliated. They already were. There's not like older shit at the edges of the universe. Because it went out. No, it's just that the light takes so long to get to where we are that we see older shit because

what we see is light. But this stuff at the fucking edges is the same as everything else now. Also, there are no. fucking edges. There's just a furthest. We can see that's not the edge of the fucking universe. God, how embarrassing must it be to be a moderately informed Christian that had to like read this shit?

Yeah, those three people must be like pretty mad. Francis Crick is so glad he's dead right now. He's like, oh, yeah. But I did miss out on that article by Michael Gienz. Yes, it's great. And I'm hanging out with all these my pillows. Why is everything so old up here? Okay, you guys sound very curious.

Sounds like your interest is piqued. So now you must be wondering, what can we reasonably speculate from there? Why this guy is no longer at Harvard. Oh, yeah. His medication schedule. I want to take a guess of that. Well, according to Guillain, quote,

all these modern scientific realities and others are why it's entirely reasonable to speculate that. One, heaven is indeed located up there way above our heads and way beyond the visible starlit universe, just as the Bible

indicates. Unless you're in the southern hemisphere in which case hell is actually up. It's weird. It's crazy. And you got to be careful because you hop over that horizon you're ready for the blowjob. So easy to mix these up. Fire demons. Two, heaven is

inaccessible to us mortals while we're alive, just as the Bible indicates. Except for the multiple occasions in the Bible where mortals go there. Sure, sure. They were very light. They fast at first. Three, heaven is inhabited by non-material, timeless beings, just as the Bible indicates. And four, heaven is the dwelling place of the one who predates the universe, the one who created the universe, just as the Bible indicates.

So there you have it. QED from a scientist of science. God's house. It's in a galaxy moving the speed of light. It's old. It's a very old house. It's pretty old. And if you want to find it, you're going to want to turn into a light being and go up. If you see a restaurant, you went too far.

There you go. Sorry. If you see an applebees, you went the wrong way in time. Exactly. Right. You were in the southern hemisphere. Yeah. And in Bethelusionists news.

You know, there are a lot of benefits to this job. The money, the fame, the sexual power. And I'm reporting you to Cannes again. But there are some real ones as well. Such as the mere encyclopedic knowledge I now possess of Christian weirdness. While others at the atheist dinner party may chuckle at the Westboro Baptist Church and Joel Osteen. We here at scathing atheists know the real shit.

The deep cuts. Yeah. Like Bethel Church, which is back in the news this week after they got caught doing some fucking TikTok tarot reader-ass magic tricks and pretending it was prophecy. Oh, okay, because a bunch of your magician colleagues got mad about Bethel stealing their bits and you heard about it from them. Got it. Okay. So, like, I'm totally with you on this, Eli, though. It's like when it's like when bad movie Neophytes tell us about the room and.

plan nine from outer space, right? And we get to just like crack our knuckles and tie on our fifth degree black belt. Yeah. Yes. I think Eli was a ninth degree? Nineth? A second, sorry, just a second. Parents couldn't afford. Just a second. Hands are still registered

as weapons. Yeah. Should probably go to Minneapolis help out. You could kill me with just your thumb. She's got inside their guard. I could. That's a second degree thing. Hold your wrist and don't, out. Stop. give it. No, make him. No, come You'll come out me like this.

Totally lift. Let your whole body. Totally limp. So, first off, big thanks to Hammett Meta for lovingly laying the story in our inbox at scathing news at gmail.com. I may be banned from Hammett going live on Facebook because of certain true compliments I gained him. But you can check out everything he's doing at friendly atheist.com. Just, I guess, don't mention his feet at all because that's a crime now.

Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with Bethel Church, they're Christians who mean all the stuff Christian people lie about meaning, like prophecy, raising the dead, and magic powers. In fact, they have a magic school that has been featured quite a few times on our show for the times that their students have tried to walk through walls, tried to cure COVID at the start of the lockdown,

and, lest we forget, tried to walk through walls. Ow! That was a clip. from. Yeah, we brought a clip. So, okay, these guys laid on the graves of other people to perform a ritual they called grave-sucking. And that didn't even make the list of three.

That's how awesome this church's insanity is. God, it's so good. Well, with a student body like that, you can imagine how well the adults hold on to reality. And this week, Mike Winger, a conservative theologian YouTuber, published a nearly six-hour-long video about one of their ministers, Sean Brown. Bulls and his gift of prophecy, which turned out to be looking people up on Facebook. Uh-huh. So in the video, Mike explains that Sean's so-called prophetic ability just happens to line up

exactly with when Facebook introduced its search feature, accompanied by clips that might as well show Sean scrolling through his phone while he talks to God. Okay, I'm getting somebody in the room named Sayobah. Wait. Do I wait? Prophecy. God is telling me it's pronounced Chivon. I'm getting a Chavon. And God is telling me, Chavon, that you're an alum of the school of, you know, I'm sorry, God is actually saying, never mind.

Never mind. Never mind. Go bears. So look, this six hour long video would take a really long time to break down. And also, Mike Winger sucks. And so a lot of the issues he has with Bethel are that they Jesus, the wrong kind of Jesus. So instead, if you'd like a full rundown of this story and all,

the craziness that Sean's gotten up to. I recommend you check out Hammett Metta's YouTube channel where I am not yet banned where he and Promise Backland, who listeners may remember from her appearance on episode 357 of our sister show, God Awful Movies, Breakdown

the whole thing, including which controversies you should care about and spoiler alert you should care about a bunch of them. Yeah. And finally tonight. I'd index her. She used her real name in the article. For clarity, for those of you who know, she used her name.

And finally tonight, in work-life balance news, we have a story about J.D. Vance, his very busy schedule, getting even busier, and the March for Life rally. And no, that's not a rally to protest all the murdering

that ICE is doing. It's a rally to stop us from murdering all those babies as we are wont to do as pagans. According to J.D., during a speech at the event last week, the debate on abortion is, quote,

a decision between God or paganism. See, there's your problem, J.D. You were already losing, and now you just threw in may polls and shit for the other side, man. Right? I never understood how it's between kneeling and supplication and trying to stay awake

through boring Spitalfield speeches and dicks out drug parties with such a winning argument for these guys. So here's what we heard from Janstance. he started by listing all the great things that the administration has done for the anti-choice movement. For example, they stacked the Supreme Court with Christian right zealots who reversed Roe v. Wade. Yep. They gave pardons to criminals who crimed at abortion clinics.

Yep. And they pulled all the funding for vaccines made of a fetus that got aborted in Amsterdam in 1972, which is also sort of true. And then he made the natural segue to, Baby skeletons at brothels. What? Out of absolutely nowhere, he starts talking about an academic paper he recently read on that topic.

Oh. You know, just a chill afternoon and you hop on J's store and you look up pagan fuck baby skeletons on their database of academic journals. And he told the crowd, quote, We have to remember that in the ancient pagan world, discarding children was routine from the skeletons in brothels to the child sacrifice the minds, the mark of barbarism is that we treat babies like inconveniences to be discarded rather than the blessings to cherish that they are."

End quote. Oh, my God. One hooker keeps a baby skeleton for an excellent bit, by the way. You just got to bring that up forever. Oh, man, it's a good thing there's no Christian brothels, huh? Or, hey, it's a good thing that they never found any piles of skeletons beneath schools run by his exact flavor of Christianity all over the fucking world. that would Shasher put some egg on his face,

wouldn't it if that ever happened? Why would you bring up skeletons of children? Didn't even do a bit. You're Catholic. Maybe they did it back on them. Well, here's the other important detail. J.D. Vance was already on board with the government controlling every uterus and forcing people to give birth. But he got extra panicky about this topic recently when his wife, who very clearly hates him,

second lady Ushivance, became pregnant. Now, okay, I can't. possibly imagine that another human being was willing to have sex with J.D. Vance. But they already have three kids and now they're expecting another one this summer. So I don't know. It's got to be like a salmon spawning thing, but in reverse, you know, like J.D. spawns into a couch and then it gets collected later when nobody has to look at him. Well, given all that and the fact that he's a garbage human being and he knows it, J.D. clearly got worried about the safety of his Band-Aid baby.

And he started ranting about pagans, like maybe Hindus, for example, killing babies in brothels. That's what the pagans do. And of course, he described baby making as the only path to human fulfillment in life. Yeah. So in case that wasn't clear, his list of pagans includes his goddamn wife. Yes, exactly. But, of course, nobody at the rally gives a fuck about J.D. Vance, because there's a lot of

they're pretty sure Trump's going to have a third term at least, or maybe they'll get Tucker Carlson to jump in. So the crowd was just waiting for JD to finish up. So they call it here from the furor. Sadly, though, Donald couldn't make it. But he did appear for a quick, quick little Zoom call. Well, he did a pre-recorded video. Like he was cranking out a quick cameo request that morning on his way out for the March for Life.

So basically, Trump gets on a screen and he says, hey everybody thanks for the invite but yeah my uh my brown shirts did a murder and i gotta make sure they don't get in trouble for that no well we've got we've got another one tomorrow another murder so i couldn't make it to your march for life this year because of the murder and then trump got a little snippy and okay this is weird but honestly i would have felt the same way if i was in trump's headspace Trump reminded everybody like, also I destroyed Roe v. Wade, assholes. That should be enough

for another couple of terms at least. So that's how obnoxious these people are. They made Donald Trump look reasonable by comparison in some weird way. Also, I made a meme and I'm kind of proud of it. I made a good meme. Okay, podcast listener.

One, Heath did make a meme. It's excellent. Patrons can check it out at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. and two, if it seems like Heath maybe descended into a little psychosis at the end of his story there, I think we all earned a little psychosis this week. Yeah. Okay.

Also, he made you a meme. Now that I know I've got a little psychosis to get out, I think we need to wrap up the headlines right there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jimaji. And when we come back, we're going to step into a phone booth and put on that breastplate of righteousness once again. Over on our sister show, God-awful movies, every movie we watch seems too long. even when it's only an hour or so. So it seems strange to say that some things are actually too short for that show,

but some things are, which is why we need another installment of God-awful minis. So tell us, Heath, what would we be breaking down today? We watched the Bible Man animated, whatever the fuck. I guess they made some animation versions of it. The episode is called The Mayor of Maybe Dulls Out, Doubt. It's the story of Christianity projecting so fucking hard and assuming that evil atheists are running elaborate schemes to pray on kids. But that's you, Christianity.

You do that. Atheism just happens. We don't have to do it. That's the natural state. Yeah. And Eli. The second you run out of candy. Exactly.

How bad was this many? Well, if you love Bible, man, but you wish you was a team. of useless Christian fucks until the end of the episode, you will love this pixel art. Right, yeah. So to be clear, for those who don't listen to all of our shows, Bible Man is an existing property that had 32 direct-to-video episodes produced in various spurts through the 90s and aughts.

And we've subjected ourselves to more of them than I'd care to recall. But apparently, there are also 26 animated episodes that only run about 12 minutes apiece. So you're ready for more of these in your future, I guess. They created a segment for us. Yes. Legally, can they call it animation? I just, I don't want us to get ourselves in trouble.

Right, right. Anasmation, animation. Animation, we'll call it. So, okay, so we open up with Bible Man credits, which, to be fair, could never compete with a live action version, but they're still pretty fucking awful. Yeah. Somehow they're the laziest credits and also way overdone.

So it's this. It goes, Bible man Bible man Bible man And it's that But then there's a fucking female acoustic breakdown

In the middle for no reason She's just like I'm gonna sing a different song Damn it a different type of song The theme song gets in a fight with itself So it's just the Bible myth Like you that was doing And then out of nowhere

She comes in and she's like There's actually a whole Bible team It's not just Bible man I'm singing now differently There's fucking Bible girl Bible woman Bible man has gone woke y'all yeah also just in terms of what happens during this intro Bible man causes what appears to be a giant car crash yep he kidnaps two kids and like you want to say like oh no context he's saving they're terrified he they look terrified and they animated them as two terrified

kids who got kidnapped yeah well you know he left their parents behind this really thing By the man appears to be a domestic terrorist in his own intro, just for the record. Yes. Yeah. Ahead of his time. He also has a Bible mobile mobile that appears to be, I'm going to say, a cross between a cyber truck and a hearse that has a big cross on the front. Yeah, that's about it. All cyber trucks are hurses if you get dinged a little bit.

Then we get our opening episode title and our opening Bible verse. Right. Now, the episode title, as we already mentioned, is the mayor of maybe doles out doubt. The verse is Romans 116, for I am not ashamed of the gospel because it is God's power for salvation to everyone who believes, first to the Jew and also to the Greek. The Jew, guys, the Jew! Yeah, we have salvation for him if you can believe that. Should we come out swinging with a hard J at the beginning of our Christian cartoon for kids? Can I say that if you have to open with eyes?

I'm not ashamed of my true beliefs about the universe. It's not a great start for your argument. Sure isn't. And if you have to start with like, I'm not ashamed of anything. It's not great for your argument. That's the first thing they do. You're probably wondering if I'm ashamed, I said as my first sentence. So yeah, so then we open up on a bunch of folks piling into a church service that is going to be led by none other than fucking senior pets.

Yeah, I wrote my notes. We have a Mexican voice in person. here that would make Speedy Gonzalez cringe. Yes. Yeah, so Pastor Pats is welcoming everybody to church, but this little girl, Emmanuel, doesn't want to go to church.

She was listening to this podcast, you see. And the little girl, she's talking like straight to the car, like almost, you know, like a Brooklyn, she's got a wad of chaw. Yeah. And she's like, I'm on the fucking church. So the animation in this show is so terrible that for the first three times they show children chewing the magic atheist chewing gum.

I just thought like, oh, there is as bad at mouths as they are and everything else. Yeah, but that's what we're going to learn here, right? So we see Pastor Patsy, looks around and all the kids are chewing gum and doubting God. All the gum chewing kids are going like, I don't want to go to church. So he asks Emmanuel where the gum came from. And then we see him walk the presumably 11 steps to the giant carnival tent, giving away free atheist gum to children. I don't feel like you needed

Emmanuel to Narc for this. It's so crazy. It's like somebody evil is behind this. Cut straight to Waluigi, giving away BLZ atheist gum at a carnival. Also the gum is called BLZ. And it's bubble gum.

BELZ bubble gum. You know this fucking cracked him up at the Bible Man animated show writer's room. Entire episode written around that. Oh yeah. They They put off someone's suicide by one day with B. Elzebub. Right. And just to be clear, they're talking about atheist gum.

It's going to be atheist gum, literally. Yeah. So they were like, all right, well, what's a good metaphor to represent evil atheism? Carnival gum? Yeah. That's what they're going to do. Right. Yeah.

Wallyji and a pinstripe suit. Richard Chalkins. No, no, Belsenbub. We're doing Bialzab. That's really good, though. That was pretty good. So, yeah, so, but yeah, so this is the mayor of Daniel Dentine. Actually, these are the only puns that were easy for me in my whole life.

I'd like to spend the rest of our radio program just gently whispering my atheism gum pun. As a backing track. So, okay. So, but this is the Waluigi character. This is the mayor of maybe. And all these kids are taking the shit out of some candy from strangers. I'm sorry to say. Yeah.

There are a lot of problems with that. amount of gum that these children are eating. And I know it's magic and turning them into atheists, but I'm way more concerned about how many children manage to stuff this much gum into their mouths without their parents notice. Right? Where are these parents? Carnivals are terrifying.

You shouldn't be letting your little kids run around carnivals. All right. So then as Pastor Pets is walking up to the booth with the free atheist gum, a boss pulls up and they pack everything up real quick before you can get there. Yeah, they do an entrapment. I really wanted there to be a scene with Mayor Maybe like doing the dodging. through the wires. Yes, exactly.

So, yeah, but all he has to go on is this rapper. And then so we kind of like back out of a doodily do. Right. And this, like he's just told Bible man and Bible girl this whole story. Yeah. So they were just like standing there listening to this guy,

talk about evil gum and their superheroes being like, uh-huh, uh-huh, cool. What do you need to know? Get to the fucking point. So yeah. So, yeah.

So, and this is our first meeting of Bible girl. She knows this bad. guy, it's the mayor of maybe. His M.O. is making kids doubt their faith in Jesus. Right? Yeah. And he's much like the Illuminati. He likes to put, you know, very overt hints about his bills of bubble gum.

Yeah, right. The label of the thing he's using. Well, and so she checks it with this, or like, you know, her fucking plotometer or whatever. And she says she's getting some readings off of it. We also see that the mayor of maybe is watching from a far. through binoculars. Well, what do we say from afar? He appears to be about nine Christian

feet away. Well, that's afar, relatively. But this is where they find his entire box of atheism gum, his whole case. Right, using a device. So, like, what was her device measuring? Like, set it to atheism. Radioactive atheism.

Measuring doubt. From gum. Non-beliefs. Yeah, exactly. And Bible man immediately turns to Bible girl and is like, here, go look into this. because, you know, you're the one with the vagina. Right.

That sounds like ladies work to me. So Bible Girl runs back to the Bible copter to run the analysis. He has a helicopter in that animated version. Okay. I want to talk about the funny thing that happens here. So they check in on Mayor of Maybe and he goes, it's just a one line thing. I don't know why they include it. He goes, motherfucker's stoned my gum.

I know that we like have different belief systems, but you can't take all my gum. It's a handful for a quarter. It's property. I was giving it away, but you can't just steal shit. It's your thing. He's got a giant shipping crate, like wood that you have to like pry apart with a pry bar of gum. I don't know where he's ordering that. A bowl of gum, yeah.

We should sell those. Right? China. Fuck yeah. Some Bielzibble gum, yeah. Get it to China. Fuck yeah. So, okay.

So she takes the bubble gum wrapper to the biblopter and runs the analysis and the biblopter. Do they have a dedicated flatbed scanner? for checking atheist items that's in the helicopter. Is that a good use of helicopter space? Well, clearly, obviously, like you said she was never going to need it, but here we are.

Okay, no, fair enough. But so she gets some readings off of it. She sends that back to HQ, where we see Seifer, who will recall from the live action episodes. His, that's some of Bibleman's best friends. But then Emmanuel's mom, the doubting girl from the beginning,

she comes to ask Bible girl to fucking exercise the doubt demons or whatever. She interrupts the story that's about her kid to make it about her kid. She might as well wander in between them and be like, my baby. And they're like, no, that's, we are. That's what we're doing here. We're working on it. This could be an email. Also, we haven't mentioned this yet, but the hands on these animated characters are terrifyingly large.

They've got the big fucking the hot dog fingers. It's scary shit. Yeah, so, but the little daughter says, all I said was that maybe the Bible wasn't true. And I'm like, well, maybe the Bible isn't all true. You know, that's pretty solid. Cartoon Noah pops up behind the view. It's got a point. Yeah, it's a good point that she made there.

Let me get some of this gum. But Bible girl's like, well, I guess if you don't believe in God, you don't want to hear this story, then I'm going to tell. It's your show. You can have your character make good arguments. It said, well, I guess you don't want. any ice cream bitch said bible girl in the story in which she's a hero yeah so but so emmanuel's like well i will suspend my doubt long enough to hear a story with my sister and everything so then you're a fucking story i like a fucking story we doodily do our way into the story of the first

gospel sermon ever preached and like the animation gets even worse yeah we're now animating with fucking gifts if the animation gets gets any worse someone from pure It's just going to, like, show up at my house with finger puppets. I'm here. I'm here. This is Jesus. It's really rough. And basically, we're getting the idea that, you know, stories are to Bible stories

as animation is to, like, me moving around construction paper and getting a cut while doing it. Why would they get so much worse? Yeah. So we see Jesus ascend to the heavens, right? It's South Park. It's Terrence and Philippians. is what we're getting right now.

Well done. Yeah, so we see the South Park disciples, they're all carrying their plates into dinner. Now, there's no food on the plates because animating food would have been a whole fucking thing. So they're all just bringing empty plates to dinner. And then a storm blows through and a flame appears over everybody's head.

And they all started speaking different languages. Someone should have told Bible girl that this isn't one of the stories you want to visualize because it's fucking stupid. Well, yeah, right. And Emmanuel actually does that, right? So we back out of it like in Princess Bride. You know, like we back out of the story for her to call bullshit and be like, wait,

their heads would catch on fire. This is dumb. And I'm like, this is good gum. She's like, no, it's magic. Magic. It's fucking magic, though. All right. We'll get you an ice cream or something.

So during this interruption, though, Bible man pulls up with pasture pets and the big crate of gum. And Cipher calls in with the analysis. He says, and I had to write this line down, that the gum contains, quote, a hidden cumulative compounding compound with a targeting saturation level. Fuck yeah. It's techno babble for when you think the earth is flat. Well, it's techno

babble for when you're like, you're like, nobody over six is going to watch this, right? Yeah, that's the best part, right? Because you're already stupid, right? You're reading that Fox News article about how up is where heaven is. And you're like, oh, how about it's a compound, compound compound compound.

But all they're saying is like the more atheist gum, the more doubt. Yes. And they needed a molecular analysis for that concept. Right. Yeah. But so having established that, we now go back to the more cheaply animated

story so that we can get 12 full minutes out of our animation budget, I guess. Now, this is, of course, where everybody starts speaking in tongues, right? And everybody outside is like, well, how would they know all these languages? And I'm like, well, unless you knew those guys, you wouldn't know that they didn't know those languages to begin with. Yeah. also it's a story the framing of this story

because we hear Christians use this all the time is fucking crazy because they're like but think about it how could all of those people have learned all those languages and done all those simultaneous backflips and I'm like you I don't believe you right not them you're lying you it's what I've been saying this whole time

but also even if they did right even if you could prove that it happened that everybody was walking by you know heard their own language how many languages could that possibly be like 11, 15, something like that? There's like a bunch of them. It's not that unusual that they would know that many languages at this time, right? Like, not amongst a big group of people.

Right. People would be like, oh, right over there, you're talking to me. Well, let's group up in languages. This is perfect. This makes sense. Right. But yeah, but so then with his head still flaming, Peter goes out to deliver the first gospel sermon.

I guess the head flaming thing would still be impressive regardless of the voice stuff. Yeah, he's like, going to give the first ever gospel sermon. And nobody's paying attention. He's like, also my head's on fire. Maybe focus up. He's on fire. This is going to be in a cartoon someday.

Technically, technically a cartoon. So, but then she's like, and 3,000 people were baptized in the name of Jesus, end of story. And Emmanuel's like, yeah, it's a neat story, but I've heard better. And I'm like, go, man. Like cartoon Noah pops up and she's like, huh? Huh? Greatest story ever told? I've heard so many better stories just like in playtime.

Yeah. Yeah. Not even a neat story. Sorry. The thing you told me in order for me to stop believing that the Bible might still be just a book of stories is that one time everyone's head caught on fire and they spoke all the world's languages simultaneously. And now I'm supposed to be convinced. That's supposed to assuage my doubts. I'm seven and one of my fellow seven-year-olds told me a story and coughed straight into my mouth.

Better story. Better story. All it happened was spilled some milk out of his nose. So, yeah, and so, and this is where they find out that she's eating a lot of the atheist gum. So her sister cuts in. I thought Quentin Tarantino was going to run in and hit her in the fucking heart with the cruciface. There's this moment of completely unnecessary tension where Bible girl loses her shit.

She's like, fuck, she's OD, oh, God. Oh, God. Let's just drive her body by the hospital and drop her in the hospital. parking line. Oh, fuck. Stop doing CPR. That's nothing. I, I can't go back. I can't go back. You broke her ribs. Everyone should carry dark on.

But yeah, but at this point, her sister Faith springs into action. And she's like, but sister, remember our names are all Christiany, right? Emmanuel and Faith? Come on. It'd be weird if you weren't Christian. Yeah. And I guess that does it? Yeah, because Emmanuel, it's Hebrew for God is with us and faith

is a word, it means faith. It's English. My name is God's not dead. He's, and your name is Shirley, we're the alive sisters. We get a lot more questions about my name than ours. Yeah, right. No, she's like, oh, now I believe God is with us. The gum is undone.

But outside, the mayor of maybe is about to make off with the Bible copter and that case of atheist gum. He's going to drop the atheist gum from the Biblecopter so everybody will think it's Bible man's gum and they'll all eat it. I'm not sure what you guys have going on in your version of the episode, but I'm

stealing your car. My bit for the episode is vehicular theft. So they all come out to confront him and they're like not so fast and he's like, well, I don't know. The mayor of baby is like, I think that that seven-year-old girl is on my side.

And I'm like, well, that's not making you look better, man. I don't think that. You don't get to steal our car if a seven-year-old girl is like your own. Right. That doesn't help. Yeah. And, you know, of course, the Bible side wins here. But the way they win, according to them, is the mayor of maybe Wallyji being like,

hey, kid, be honest. The Bible's fucking dumb, right? Come on. It's fake. You know it's fake. And then the kid is like, I'm going to get in trouble if I say that it is dumb. Mustard C. Mustardee mountain moving.

I don't want to get in trouble. Yeah, but then and the gum, I guess, at this point, becomes sentient and rebels against the mayor of maybe? Yeah. I don't know why the gum would suddenly change. That's happened with some of my atheist compounds that I've made. Oh, okay. Well, you put enough atheist compound.

You put the compounding compound in there. I should only compounded it once. That was the thing. I think the problem. Can I hit you with my Heathrow. theory. Oh, please do. Because this is what I created in my brain, and it may have been out of madness, but I would like you to accept it with open hearts. I think the gum is the devil.

And when the little girl quotes the Bible, it doesn't like that. So it explodes. So it runs away. The power of Christ compels the gum. Oh, okay. So her mustard seed faith moved the mountain of bubble gum. Yeah. Beals a bubble chuppa. That's definitely what happened.

I don't like that you figured that out. Yeah. So in the bubble gum explodes all over the helicopter. Then Biblegirl uses the helicopter to blow a giant bubble that they capture the mayor of Mabian saving the day. Sort of. But they don't capture. He just like goes away. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. And he gets away. Yeah. They actually aided into his escape. So what they've done is probably illegal. But hey, at least we didn't have to watch that grown-ass man.

play swords at the end of this one. That's true. I'm going to watch James Lindsay do it. Yeah. But then, but Bible Man has learned something here today. It's fucking meaningless Jesus words. Come on, man. Talk about your fucking failed windups.

I'll tell you, kids, the mayor of maybe might have, sorry, come back to, I'm just, oh God, I miss her so much. Oh, God. Oh, God, I thought I could do this. I thought it was okay. I thought I could go back to work already, but I'm not. Truly, it's fucking too soon after the breakup. Well, yeah, because it's just nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.

I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing. Yeah. There's a long pause at the very end of this thing, and then it's just like, I'm not ashamed, by the way. Did I mention that? You guys probably thought I was ashamed. I'm not. You're ashamed.

Told my dad I was going to be doing voice acting, and he wasn't as proud as I thought he would be. I thought he would be really psyched to hear I was the new Bible man but he said like in the show and I said well it's all Bible man show and he said you said that weird I got that part of Teviot when I was in ninth grade

that never happens so yeah so and by the way I would have pointed out that the guy who is doing the Waluigi character was also the guy doing the voice of Pastor Pat's right and also hey all the animators are listed with just a first initial

because apparently people wanted credit for this at the same rate that they wanted credit for Melania the movie. The credits are all just blurred out. Yeah. All right. Well, secure the knowledge that whenever I'm sad, there are 25 more episodes like this to make me happy.

We're going to wrap up for the night. We'll look forward to the next. God awful minis. Bible man. He's going to wear the thing. They just read the credits with the voice modulator from like, Kidnap. Fart.

Before we're left to linger on your tongue, I want to remind you that there are still tickets available to see Godawful Movies Live in San Francisco on Good Friday. That's April 3rd, Godawful MoviesLive.com or check the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be to look up for a brand new episode of our Citruso's Hot Friend Godolfo Movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our Haftersso Citation Needed debuting at noon-eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't. Shut the fuck up until I thank Heath Enright for being good. Eli Bosnick for being bad and Lucinda Lusions for being well, but not well enough to record

quite yet. Still overcoming that COVID. But she's doing a lot better. She appreciates all your well wishes. I also want to thank Matt with one T for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. And apologies for all the shit we've talked on this show about people who spell Matt with one T. I blame Matt Staver.

You should too. Incidentally, I am running critically low on Farnsworth quote. So if you've got a blog, a YouTube channel, an Instagram, an Etsy store, a podcast, or or whatever that you'd like to promote, or if you just get a kick out of hearing your voice on the show. Or if you had like a funny, clever way to do it, just send it to us. Try to keep it under 30 seconds. You can send it to scathing news at Gmail.com because that's where everybody started sending them anyway. But most of all, of course, I want to think this week's finest folks and last week's Mike Marcus, Matt, Virgil, Kirby, Zafri,

Ephron, Heron, Heron, Heronimo, Annemus, Annette, Farran, Stubby, One, Otter IA, and Nicholas. Mike, Markis, Matt, and Virgil, whose erections are so impressive, Alex Honnold asked if he could climb them. Kirby, Zafrey, Hieronymus, and Annette, who are hot enough to burn Shadrak Massach and Abednego and Farron Stubby, Otter and Nicholas, who were so cool, Ice had to pay them royalties to use the name. Together these 12 tasty treats traded treasure for taboo tirades towards the tabernacle this week by giving us money. Not everybody has money, but if you do, we'll take it. You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing a alias, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended average version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingaetit.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not in a money sort of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the content to them on the contact page at skating adios.com. Yeah. The simulation could not be more obvious. The knob is twisted all the way to the right and the two drunk scientists are just weeping on top of the machine that someone is in going,

I don't know, man. They just all want to watch Netflix. I guess. I guess they just don't have a line. Let's do a fun one next. Let's do one where they don't have hands. Do you remember when we did No Feet? No Feet Universe was so fun.

Hot Dog Fingers was fun. Hot Dog Fingers was great. And then they said, you got to do one serious one. Yeah, they did do Fashism. They did hot dog finger fascism. I did not see that coming. Because they were so delicious when you put them in ovens. Obviously, we should have seen that coming up.

Well done, Elaine. Way to tie it together. Headlines me. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 61724945 or on their website at creator accountability network.org.

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