The Scathing Atheist - 673: Tree Looking Edition

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

In this week’s episode, Texas crosses some flaming Ts, Christian schools in Australia teach about the arkaeopteryx, and Don Ford will be here for some more strongly worded letters.---To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Guest Links:Check out Evan’s blog and podcast here:Washington Heights-Inwood Mask Bloc: bit.ly/whinymaskblocInconvenient Health Podcast: https://wahiinwoodmaskbloc.substack.com/podcast--- Headlines:Texas trying to force even more Bible into their public schools: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/the-texas-board-of-education-plans and https://www.texastribune.org/2026/01/30/texas-education-curriculum-bible-errors-corrections/Republicans are panicking because James Talarico wants people to act more like Jesus: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/republicans-are-panicking-becauseN.J. church deletes controversial video showing Jewish man next to devil: https://www.nj.com/passaic-county/2026/01/nj-church-deletes-controversial-video-showing-jewish-man-next-to-devil.htmlIn a New Jersey church’s Christmas pageant, a Jewish caricature dances with the devil: https://www.jta.org/2026/01/16/united-states/jewish-caricature-in-ukrainian-christmas-tradition-resurfaces-at-new-jersey-church-drawing-criticismKanye West apologizes for antisemitic behavior with full page ad in the WSJ: https://www.theguardian.com/music/2026/jan/26/kanye-west-takes-out-full-page-ad-apologising-for-antisemitic-behaviour-and-denying-he-is-a-nazi-yeJelly Roll is an asshole: https://www.cleveland.com/news/2026/02/what-jelly-roll-said-in-acceptance-speech-at-the-grammy-awards-has-everyone-talking.htmlScience teachers from Queensland Open Brethren schools told to teach students about vegetarian dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2026/jan/25/science-teachers-from-queensland-open-brethren-schools-told-to-teach-students-about-vegetarian-dinosaurs-on-noahs-ark---This Week in Misogyny:North Carolina woman dies waiting for abortion: https://www.propublica.org/article/north-carolina-abortion-laws-ciji-grahamReport finds French nuns were basically tortured: https://www.lemonde.fr/en/france/article/2026/01/16/benedictine-nuns-of-montmartre-under-duress-for-40-years-report-finds_6749480_7.htmlCinci pastor fired for filming women in gym: https://www.wcpo.com/news/local-news/hamilton-county/cincinnati/crossroads-church-fires-next-gen-program-director-for-secretly-recording-women-at-oakley-gym-church-says and https://www.fox19.com/2021/06/24/crossroads-use-horses-props-sunday-sermon-draws-criticism/ and https://www.cleveland19.com/story/9547748/cincinnati-performer-dies-after-christmas-show-fall/

Warning, these shows are earning their adult language more and more every week. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by original bubblegum-flavored mobile. And now The Skathing Atheist. Hi, this is Evan, founder of the Washington Heights and Wood Mask Block and host of the podcast Inconvenient Health. As a health justice advocate, who has increasingly seen people of all political leanings, embrace positively Trumpian public. health denialism when it comes from non-Trump sources, I can assure you that we did indeed evolve from filthy monkey schmucks.

Thursday. It's February 5th. And it's move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, Pennsylvania Day. No. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosmic. I'm Heathcon, right. And from Joe Rogan's New Jersey.

From Michigan and Waycross, Georgia. This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Texas Cross. This is some flaming teas. Christian schools in Australia teach about the archaeopteries. And Don Ford will be here from some more strongly worded letters.

But first, the diatriat. I'm often asked some variation of what's the worst apologetic you've ever heard. And one of the best things about this question is that I can give a different answer every time without lying. Because so many completely nonsensical nonsequitors are tied at zero.

So yeah, so maybe, Maybe it's how would the Quran know that an embryo look like a wad of chewed gum? Maybe it's if atheists don't believe in God, why don't they have their own calendar? Maybe it's you wouldn't be able to not believe in God if there wasn't a God to not believe in. These are not only real apologetics that have actually been presented to me, but they are, in fact, real apologetics that have actually been presented to me in 2026. But there's more to be gained by these ridiculous apologetics than just a chuckle. you can also get a really interesting insight into the inner workings of the interlocutor's mind when they formulate their questions.

Let's take the ubiquitous, just look at the blank. Sometimes it's stars, sometimes it's a sunset. For some reason, though, it's usually trees, as if trees were some unique and universal exemplar of nature's beauty. But the idea here is that the beauty of this or that natural phenomenon is such that it could only exist of a conscious and all-powerful being set out to make it beautiful. Why would an uncaring and unthinking world arrange itself in such a way as to appear so objectively beautiful, after all? Now, of course, there's no such thing as objectively beautiful in our sense of beauty and wonder evolved on a planet filled with trees and stars and sunsets and shit.

It's damn likely that our ancestors that weren't occasionally taken with the beauty of a sunset just off themselves early to avoid their endless fate of pre-dental science toothaches and potentially fatal blisters. And of course, their god also made all the ugly shit in their version of events. So any like fair beauty-based assessment would have to factor in rotting corpses and piles of fly-covered shit to counterbalance the sunsets, wouldn't it? And I don't just bring this apologetic up because it's an easy punching bag. I'm sure you already are thinking of six other ways to refute this ridiculous pseudo argument even now. I bring it up as a perfect example of one of these arguments that can only sound convincing to a person who's already convinced. Not only that, but it can only sound convincing to a person who cannot remotely imagine what it would be like to be unconvinced. I mean, not to brag, but very few American atheists are dogmatically atheist.

Even if you were raised without religion and never had to think your way out of it, the fact that you grew up in a society so enamored with this Jesus fellow forces you to at least consider their arguments. And even having rejected them, it behooves you to constantly consider how one might interpret this or that event or phrase. or point if one were Christian. Atheists are often walking on ideological eggshells in the workplace, for example, since almost any true fact about the universe that you might say has the potential to alienate at least one religious coworker. And of course, the side effect of this is that we get relatively good at trying to think about things from a religious perspective, even if we never shared that perspective.

The opposite is far less often true. Many, if not most, religious traditions in the U.S. actively discourage their adherents from thinking about things from an atheist point of view, since that so often leads to atheism. Many children are taught that if an atheist perspective should find its way into their thoughts, in fact, it was actually the devil himself sneaking into their brains to try to snatch their souls

from the warm embrace of their Lord and Savior. The inevitable result of this, of course, is a comic inability to look at things through our eyes. Now, one could give this a bit of a natural selection argument, too, right? Like people who are really good at being able to see things, from an atheist point of view, probably stop being religious and don't email their arguments

to random atheist podcasters. Or if we want to be more generous to their worldview than it deserves, we could also add that, you know, the better you are at seeing things from the atheist perspective, the more likely you are to realize that a dude make it as living

from an atheist podcast isn't going to turn religious based on any goddamn thing you have to say in an unsolicited email. But regardless of how we get there, it exposes a huge weakness that religious leaders would probably rather we didn't know about.

Because ultimately, when they say, look at the trees, they're telling us that the only reason they believe in their God is that they think he's self-evident. They're accidentally admitting that they actually have no justifiable reason to believe in their religion at all, and they're even inviting us to point that out. They're talking about your Jesus. May interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the hot, lad, and ground pin to my neutral blade, Heathenwright, and Eli Bosnick, fellas. Are you ready to get plugged in? Okay, I love that I got the name of Cecil's. Only fans. And I hate that I got the name he refused to use when he guessed it on mine. Right. So, you know. All right.

Well, now that I know Cecil has an Onlyfans, I need a quick break. So we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Mint Mobile. Hey, podcast listener. I'm Heath Enright. And I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm no illusions. You know, we've been told we're a little bit stuck in our ways here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm. For example, if I send the Zencaster link for our records at any minute besides 15

I have failed. Exactly. We might be stuck in our ways, but you don't have to keep overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Same way Noah doesn't have to edit our episode to the nearest tenth of a second. It's a thousandth of a second.

Yes, I do. I mean, phones. Whatever Heath said about phones. Yeah, phones. With Mint Mobile, you can bring your own phone and number, activate with ESIM in minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassle.

But have you actually tried it? I sure have. I switched to MintMobil when they first became a sponsor. Now I have the same great service for a fraction of the price. All right, Heath, I'm sold. You'll send me the link at 159. No, no, I will not. I'll do the phone thing. Where do I sign up? Ready to stop paying more than you have to. New customers can make the switch today and for a limited time, get unlimited premium wireless for just 15 bucks per month. Switch now at mintmobile.com slash scathing. That's mintmobile.com slash scathing. Up front payment of 45. $5 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12-month plan required, $15 a month equivalent,

taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only, over 50 gigs might slow when that work is busy, capable device required, availability, speed and coverage varies. Additional terms apply, see mintmobile.com. All right, Heath, thanks. I guess we can all be a little set in our ways sometimes, huh? Hey, speak for yourself. Oh, really? Have you thought about the fire alarm lately?

God damn it. No. See, there it is. This is my whole week now. A little bit crooked. You can't move it. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight,

one of the signs of just how far shit has swung to the right in the U.S. is that even absent any change in law, the Christian extremists are trying to get away with the same illegal shit that already got knocked down, confident that the courts are going to side with them this time.

And nowhere is that more visible than our schools, and in no schools is that more visible than in Texas. where the latest gambit is just trying to add parts of the Bible to the required reading list. Yeah. Well, you can't learn that pie might equal three exactly in any other math textbooks. You just can't.

We need to teach the controversy level to decide from the equally valid perspectives. There's a lot of good points on both sides. So that's a lot of good points on the circle. Yes. So the Texas State Board of Education is in the middle of compiling a standardized reading list for all grades of public schools in the state. Until now, it's been up to teachers to decide which books would best underscore their lesson plans themselves. But, you know, if you leave that shit to teachers, they're liable to come up with a bunch of fucking gay books. And Texas is going to have none of that.

So they're compiling a list that's mostly fine, but included within it at all grade levels are just literal sections of the goddamn Bible. Mm-hmm. Like a requirement that kindergartners learn a module on the golden rule. first graders learn about Paul's revelation on the road to Damascus, and seventh graders read fucking chapter 17 of 1st Samuel and chapter three of the book of lamentations. Okay, so what I'm hearing is that if I want Jimmy to stop stealing my lunch money, I need him to fall off a horse.

Yeah, right. Right, yeah. And look, as bad as that already sounds, it's worse, right? Because like some people are going to defend this shit by saying, Well, even atheist kids could benefit from hearing about the golden rule. And as much as those same people would wince, you know, if we decided to root that same moral message for five-year-olds in Islam or Hinduism, it's actually not just a module on the golden rule.

The actual lesson that teachers would be required or read aloud is a 300-word pamphlet on how awesome Jesus is that doesn't get to the fucking golden rule until two-thirds of the way through and introduces it as a summary of the teachings of Christ. Hey, just a reminder, Jesus murdered a tree for being impertinent, I think. You want to get killed by a tree by doing the golden rule? You want it happening? This is how you get a happening. Yeah.

Also, Jesus' message is in no way interpretable as the golden rule. Jesus' message is, I'm the son of God and you have to worship me. Literally nothing else matters. That's my message. I'm Jesus saying this right now. Yep. And if you're a tree, stop resisting. So let me whip you real quick.

Now, of course, officially, all of this shit is just about raising well-rounded kids. After all, if you're going to get by in modern America, you have to know about certain Bible stories, right? And that much is true. It would be hard to understand a lot of classic literature if you didn't know who David and Goliath were, for example. But if well-rounded education was their motivation, there would probably be literally any reference to literally any other holy book anywhere on the fucking list. You'd think. Perhaps. And critically, Texas school board member Brandon Hall wouldn't tweet out, quote, today the Texas State Board of Educational vote on a proposal to add Bible passages to a required

reading list for the K through 12 students across the state. This would bring the word of God back into schools in a meaningful way for the first time in decades, end quote. Just for clarity, this is about breaking the loss and tweets. Yes, yeah. Okay, we already teach that stuff without having a dedicated Bible study, it's called mythology. You're just mad that you're part of that unit, Brandon, you're in mythology. You want to be reclassified. And I should point out that the Golden Rule Module and all the other Christian shit that's not just a direct Bible reading comes from a curriculum called Blue Bonnet Learning made by a company called the Texas Education Agency. Or the T, if you sashay.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. Now, they're basically a ministry pretending to be a textbook company. Can you guys imagine me in the pose? I'm in the pose. I assumed that you were. Okay. So they're a ministry. I'm looking at a picture.

In textbook company clothing that the board gave a commission to back in 2024 to to redesign the state's curriculum to be more Jesusy. And what they've learned since earning that commission is that making textbooks is real, real hard, which is why. As Blue Bonnet Learning has been rolled out across the state, the Texas Education Agency is being asked to correct about 4,000, 200 errors that have been noticed in the curriculum so far. Amazing.

Don't worry, fellas. We found this guy, Eli Bausnick, to do the curriculum for us. He's going to do great job. Yeah, here's the thing. The Bible has about 50,000 contradictions in it. If the Bible got handed in as an assignment, it comes back to the kid with just, see me. And that's it.

Fair. And in, we're messing with Texas. Go fuck yourself. news. We have some interesting developments in the electoral politics of the state that brought us Enron, the cheating fucking Astros, and Ted Cruz's face. I'll start with a special election victory in the state Senate with Democrat Taylor Remit, a union leader, getting about 57% of the vote and defeating Lee Wamskans last name from that show, a Trump-induced conservative activist and executive at Patriot Mobile.

That would be the Christian Wright-themed phone company. Well, that's what you get for spelling your last name, like me trying to write the words water glass. So, you know. Yeah. So notably, the win by Remit flipped a district that Trump won by 17 points in November of 2024. Obviously, a special election in one district in Texas

doesn't guarantee anything about the midterms, but the big swing, that's 31 total points. It's a pretty good sign. Another good sign is that Trump made several posts endorsing WOM scans and telling people in the district to get out and vote. And then the day after the election, Trump got a question about backing the big loser. And he said, I'm not involved in that. Did I already use shitting myself to get out of something?

I did. I use my one or my number two, if you will. We have fun. I shat myself on television. On an unrelated note, I'm in charge of elections now, damn it. Yeah, you did say that, didn't you? All right. Well, that brings us to the U.S. Senate seat in Texas, currently held by Republican John Cornyn.

It's up for election this year. And one of the top candidates for the Democratic primary coming up on March 3rd is state house member and seminarian James Telerico, a very Christian guy who is not a Republican. Anna? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out. That's right. There's a Christian guy who actually read the book, and a big part of his message is explaining how the Republican Party is full of Christians

who are full of shit. But he says it way nice than that. For example, on a recent podcast appearance, he said, I've met so many Hindus, Buddhists, Sikhs, Jews, Muslims, atheists, agnostics, who are more Christ-like than some of the Christians I serve with in the Texas legislature. He also said a bunch of other stuff, but just that one sentence led to the freak out. And it came in the form of lying about that one sentence. The headline from Fox News said,

Texas Dem, who said God is non-binary, now says atheists are more Christ-like than Christian colleagues. Okay. I feel like there's a contradiction between being stupid enough to write a Fox News headline and the ability to type, right? Sure. You think it's a lot of talk to text over there at Fox News? I imagine it's a lot of talk to text. That makes sense.

Also, by the way, I want to push back on this fantasy that being Christ-like is a good thing, right? Dude refused to curate it because he didn't like her race. He cursed whole cities to a fate worse than Sodom and he killed a tree for it being June. Yeah, they're just picking the Christ-like that they like. Exactly. Yeah.

Right. Christ's like that they imagine. Right. Not something to strive for exactly. Yeah. So the major other candidate in the Democratic primary is Representative Jasmine Crockett, and she rules. I can love her. I don't agree with every single position of Crockett or Tala Rico, but I align more with Crockett for sure. And that leads to some tricky questions that I don't exactly know the answer to. So, all right. Welcome to the nuance corner. It's going to the little bit.

Now, don't panic. No, like, he's trying to start a nuance corner segment. It's going to be okay. We gave him skepticraft for this. It's going to be okay. We'll go back to roasting Ken Paxton's melty eye in a minute, I promise. Promise. So we're going to delve into the nuance corner.

Here's the dilemma for me. I have two very strong feelings that are competing with each other, and this primary embodies them perfectly. On the one hand, I have my personal political philosophy, which favors Crockett. But on the other hand, I feel strongly that winning whatever election has to be the main focus right now. And lots of the analysis I've seen is suggesting that Tala Rico might have a better shot in the general. And we've seen Republican efforts to get Crockett to win in the primaries.

Kind of backs up some of that analysis. Just like Democrats are pushing to get Ken Paxton's eye to win against John Corny in the CHOB primary because that eye had a messy divorce and some other scandals that make the eye less electable. this is all based on speculation so it's not guaranteed but in terms of crocket and teloreco in a statewide election in texas the more progressive black woman might be a tougher cell than the very christian white guy so i'm going to make up some numbers as an example these are going to be optimistic numbers but i'm going to make up some numbers to illustrate what i'm talking about if i could be certain that either democrat would have say a 40% chance of winning in

November. Whichever one of them won the primary, they get a 40% shot. If that was true, I'd pick Jasmine Crockett. But if you start moving the dial, and let's say Tala Rico would have a 50% chance or a 60% chance, I might change my pick at a certain point. So how do you guys try to balance those two competing interests when you're thinking about this? Oh, I use my preexisting knowledge of the people of Texas to primary a non-binary fay folk who grants Antifa wishes because the people of Texas would vote for This voting booth releases poison gas that kills me right now if it ran as a Republican. Okay.

All right. You're doing nuance corner correctly. You're doing nuance corner. Coward. All right. Say a real thing. That is exactly the shit that I heard the entire time I was trying to sell Georgians on getting out to vote for John Osloff and Raphael Warnock for our Senate.

So I'm not buying that. I also, the way I balance this is definitely I balance away from anything where I'm just like, hmm, people are more. Like to vote for a white person and a black person because they're racist and therefore I'll support the white person. I try to avoid that as well. Well, don't read my diary in that tone of those normal reasons. That's unfair. Okay.

First, he's doing nuance. Now you're reading my diary out loud. But there's got to be a number on that dial for almost anybody, right? Like, if it gets up to like 99%, it's like, okay, let's get fucking win in this election. I don't know. I don't know what my number is, but it's a number. Everybody's got a number. And here's the other question that I'm not sure about.

it's a more specific example of the competing thoughts, you know, personal philosophy versus just fucking shut up and win right now. The worst way to throw progressive goals under the bus is losing elections, and we keep fucking doing that. So the question is, how much liberal Christianity am I willing to accept if it gets better results sometimes? Taylor Rico seems like a good guy for the most part, but I really don't like it when somebody agrees with me

and uses the Bible to justify my own. opinion or justify anything. And it looks like the Democratic candidate for president in 2028 might be a liberal Christian type person like, you know, maybe Kentucky governor, Andy Bashir, he's on the list. He's been winning statewide elections in a very red state on the same ballot where people are electing a fucking carbonite slab with Mitch McConnell shitting himself inside of that slab. And part of Andy Bashir's success is appealing to Christianity to land on. a liberal message that I usually like.

So how cool are we supposed to be with that? Again, like, I'm not sure. I mean, at this point, if it gave us a shot at the general, I'd vote for Jesus himself in the primary. And not even Luke Jesus, right? I primary Matthew Jesus. But just to be clear, we are not going to win the general or any election because your neighbors were always evil.

No, no. If the economy is bad, we'll win. Okay. Fuck, nuance is terrifying. But we made it. We made it. End of the nuance corner. Squinting in a new.

All right, let's get back to it. Ken Paxton looks like a Nazi ogre tried to shit too hard. There it is much better. That's nuanced. And in Jew Jersey news, a Christian church, about 10 minutes from my house, has deleted an online video of its Christmas pageant after a bunch of overly sensitive. whiny little babies didn't understand that it was a part of their culture for their Christmas pageant to include a gold jingling Jew who dances with the devil.

So we're going to talk about it. Well, to be fair, they had no idea Eli was going to show up in the middle of their pageant. But kudos for the way that they just kind of rolled with it. They did. They did. Great improv skills. Holy shit. Who is like, no, this is perfect.

This is perfect. This is really good. And jiggle this right here. We have a bag. Our prop thing. He's like really realistic. Right. So first big thanks to Haya,

who sent us this story to Skating News at gmail.com. Haya as payment. Whenever I hear someone doing karate, I will pretend that they are doing it for you. Scathing News at Gmail.com. And I will put you in the outcast song when I sing it to myself in my house. I always wanted to have a bit more karate.

Exactly. It's all working out. Probably Haya, though. Not like. Haya. So I looked like, nine million times I was so worried. Anyways. So the church in question here is the St. Mary

Protectorous Ukrainian Orthodox Church in Clifton. And if you're not familiar with the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, they are the Russian Orthodox Church, but with all the crazy let out of the gate. Which is saying something because the Russian Orthodox Church is the Greek Orthodox Church with all their crazy left out of the gate. It's quite literally, thematically speaking, a Russian nesting doll of crazy. They also hate... Jews. No way. I mean

hate Jews. They hate Jews so bad that part of the excuse Russia used for the invasion of Ukraine was how much Ukraine's church hates Jews. And when the Russian Orthodox Church thinks

you're an anti-Semite, that is impressive. Oh, yeah, well, Russia's Orthodox Church was also leveling that accusation against Zelensky at a certain point. So maybe we just toss out what they're accusing folks of. All right. These motherfuckers are still anti-Semitic after that, though, but still, you know, throw that one out.

Guys, I know it's not cool to hate the Jews anymore, but then it was cool again. It felt like it's cool. But then Vladimir Putin stood up for the Jews and attacked us. I'm so confused. I don't know what we're supposed to do with this. Yeah. So the Christmas tradition in question is the Vertep,

which is pretty much like every other nativity play, except it includes these interludes by modern characters, including at the beginning, a character dressed in the garb of an Orthodox Jew known as the Zid, that's the Ukrainian slur for Jewish people, who comes out and tries to convince the audience not to watch the show

in exchange for his bag of jingly gold. Well, at least they made him the good guy. Guys, is having gold a negative stereotype? I don't get our bigot thing in this church. I'm so confused by this. I don't know how we do it. So obviously, the Jewish media redundant, got their hands on these pictures,

and the church has faced some public criticism for their hate-crime tacular. And so they have responded to let us know that we just don't fucking get it, man. Quote from the church here, quote, we do not have any intention to promote harm or hatred with this pageant. However, we recognize that some outside of our culture may assign elements of the performance to stereotypes

when taken out of context, which is inclusive of people's historically present in Eastern Europe. Or when taken in context, like honestly, challenging you to give us context where this shit isn't offensive is like a writing prompt set to nightmare mode.

Okay. This guy I'm looking at in this photo, looking like Fiddler was produced by Borat, he needs to immediately yell and see. So that is a great thing. great example of bigotry. This was a weird PSA that we did the more, you know. If that's not the context, you're a Nazi. And spoiler, that is sadly not. That is not the context. So what's obvious

is what's needed now is to bury the hatchet and living as close as I do. I have decided to be the bigger man. And no, not just because of the mass starvation in Ukraine right now. No, I have reached out to St. Mary's privately and I will do so right now. the air. I am willing to play the Zid in next year's production. I... You mean reprise your role in next year's production. What are my qualifications you ask? I'm so glad you asked. I of course am Jewish. I have extensive experience trying to get people from loving Jesus.

And should they, as an act of penance, choose to include a musical number for my character, I still feel ready to deliver a performance of, if I were a rich man, that many who viewed my high school production. Did you ever play Tevia? Called, quote, professional level, end quote, from my mom. All right. Well, at least we've temporarily lost Eli to his reverie about his glory days once again.

So we're going to give him a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Standing ovation. A man wrote the Bible. A horse is what she wanted. If it's a legitimate rate. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fine. Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This week in Massage. Well, I've been out for a couple of weeks with COVID because a lot of people in South Georgia think that masks and staying the fuck home are for liberal sissies. But I'm back now and I'm sad to tell you that, yes, in my absence, American abortion laws killed another woman. So quick thanks to Barbara for sending me this one to scathing news at gmail.com. Even though the story she sent me was depressing as hell. It's the story of the late C.G. Graham, a 34-year-old victim of America's abortion laws. wasn't even aiming for an abortion. CCG had a pretty serious heart condition

that would cause her heart rate to spike to running an Olympic sprint levels for no reason. And in the past, the doctors could stabilize her heartbeat with electric shop using a procedure called cardioversion. But when she was taken to the hospital for it in 2023, she was pregnant. Now, the medical consensus is that it is safe to cardiovert a pregnant person,

But because doctors in the anti-abortion states are so fucking terrified of losing their license over harm to a fetus, the doctors refused to do it. They sent CG home with her heart still beating out of her chest, told her to check it with a specialist and come back the following week. So after another cardiologist refuses to help her, she decides that she needs to get an abortion to save her own life. But guess what? Abortion clinics can't take you if your heart rate is spiking over 190. so she died. But we shouldn't be surprised that religious rules treat women that way. Just look at how religious women treat one another. Jason sent me a story about a report that just came out detailing the mistreatment of a bunch of

Benedictine nuns in a neighborhood in Paris I can't pronounce. Apparently, their priorist, general, and woman called Mother Marie Agnes was a power-hungry sadist who actually reminds me a lot of the third grade teacher that used to hit me with a ruler for being left-handed. Anyway, the report, which was commissioned by the congregation itself, so not exactly an atheist smearpiece, detailed a cult-like culture of abuse, both physical and psychological, that included forced starvation, bullying, humiliation, and physical violence. And this lasted for more than 40 years. Hell, even after she died in 2016, it took another 10 years for anybody to say anything. and that's what happens when you put women in charge of women in religious settings.

What happens when you put men in charge of them? Well, there are plenty of stories to remind you of those potential horrors, but if you need a quick refresher, Michael sent me a story about some creepy pastor who got arrested in Cincinnati for filming women at a local gym while they were working out. Now, to the credit of Crossroads Church and Oakley, they did fire him from his position of authority when they found out about it. but they also had this purve in a position of authority. So at best, that zeroes out to no credit at all.

Also, that very same church made the national news twice over the last couple of years, once for a bunch of controversy over cruelty to animals, when some dude tamed a wild horse on stage during a sermon, and another time when a lady fell from a cable during Christmas play and died. So I feel like they've got enough of a history of making bad decisions that we can blame them all the way for this one. Anyway, with a quick thanks for all of the well wishes while I was stuck in bed with my fur babies. I'll wrap things up now and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in Headlines in Yay Big Ask News. Kanye West, now officially just Yay, has a big request for the Jewish community. You'd like some grace and some forgiveness. And it's a big ask in the traditional sense, but Also in terms of literal size on a page, he took out a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal, where, you know, New York bankers might read it. Oh, wow.

And he officially apologized for the last several years of making insane anti-Semitic statements. And according to yay, it was bipolar disorder that was causing all the bigotry. Okay, well, he bought a Super Bowl ad to sell the swastika thing. The fact that he's paying less to advertise his apology than he's, paid to advertise the thing he's apologizing for? That hurts his sincerity in my mind a bit. Also, wait, is being mentally ill a pass for the things you say and do? Because I'm about to get so much funnier again.

We are back, baby. Oh, we are back. So the ad was in the form of a letter to all the Jewish people. He offended. And he kicks it off by saying, 25 years ago, I was in a car accident. not a great start, but he describes how the accident gave him a traumatic brain injury that wasn't diagnosed until 2023, and that led to bipolar type 1. Then he explains how that affected him and how it put him in a state of denial. And he says, quote, I regret and am deeply mortified by my actions in that state and am committed to accountability, treatment, and meaningful change.

Okay, you know, pretty good. He also said it does not excuse what I did, though. Okay. I am not a Nazi or an anti-Semite. I love Jewish people, end quote. Cut to Jonah Hill going, I had nothing to do with this one, guys. Nothing at all. Okay, so not the greatest apology, but I feel like it's a step in the right direction maybe.

And with mental illness, I want to extend some sympathy and some grace. And I very much believe that he does suffer from bipolar. Like just based on shoes, I feel like I know that. I can see the poles in his shoes. You know, the poles of like way too small and silly and all the way up to like way too big and silly. So I put some close-ups of his shoes in the notes here. On the tiny side, you can see like some sort of neoprene water sock for an elf at the North Pole making toys. and a sandal made of a Casper mattress that's, it's like a tiny one.

It's like half the size of his foot. So there's a sandal like that. And on the giant side, he's got cartoonishly oversized boots that were described by a fashion reporter as shale country chic, which is very accurate. And also a kneepad, shin guard foot gauntlet thing for like, I don't know, a rollerblading pirate in the future. and he's walking down the street. But apparently just socks under that leg armor thing for walking on the street.

Okay, so this shale country chic one, that looks like Mario would jump in it to avoid spikes. Right? Yeah. So, it's a really good, really good description.

So all that being said, if you have a mental illness that makes you grow around slurs an entire community, I'm listening. I feel like you got to do a bit more than that, like a while ago. You needed to do, already have done a bit more.

You know what I mean? No longer listening. And if you're a billionaire, it can't be that hard. You could literally hire like a dedicated slur blocking guy. Sure. Like, you know, like one of those dogs that can sense a seizure, but it's just a guy who walks around everywhere you go. And whenever you get mad about some little stupid thing, he's like, hop, not the Jews.

This is not the Jews. if your version of a seizure is blaming the Jews for stubbing your toe in your tiny little sandals and you're a billionaire, hire the not the Jews guy. It's not that hard. There you go. Marsh is free for me. There you go. So again, the apology was something, I guess, but I'm not loving it.

But I can't speak for the Jewish community. Eli, however, does officially do that. I do. I was elected. On behalf of the entire Jewish community of the world that you speak for, are you accepting the apology from Ye? Only if he also allows me to perform as the Zid in his next stage performance. Not that much to ask.

And in soft-fought, Hallelujah News, the only good thing about jelly rolls bullshit Jesus speech at the Grammys is that it forced people like Franklin Graham to come out with very solemn things. that they had to say in support of a grown man named Jelly Roll. For those of you who missed the controversy, it goes like this. Jelly Roll spent his whole acceptance speech talking about how great Jesus is and how the teachings of Jesus changed his life. And then when he was asked later about, you know,

loving my neighbor and doing unto others with regards to Trump's authoritarian ice crackdown, he chicken the fuck out and claimed that he was just a dumb redneck and nobody cared about his opinions. Okay, he's a step ahead of me. That's what I was going to say. So, yeah, so if you have any familiarity with jelly roll at all, you'll know that he can't say eight fucking words without one of them being Jesus. Also, if you're familiar with jelly roll, how is your tooth? But you'll also, if you have any familiarity with him, realize how weird it is to still be stuck with the name jelly roll after you lost 300 pounds and just turned into a tall, skinny guy.

So anyway, so after he's one. Some people are named chunk. Yeah, right. That's what I'm saying. That's cool. So after he won one of his three DEI Grammys for Christian stuff and country stuff, it surprised nobody when he came to the Mike brandishing a tiny little Bible and blathering about how no one political party owns Jesus and how Christianity is still great,

even if all the stuff it does in the world is terrible. Because without Jesus, he would be dead or in jail. Okay. Which is such a weird fucking claim to make given how many Christian people are dead or in jail. Sure. And to make it even worse, he was thanking his wife. at the time. Yeah.

His wife, a person who is real. I think her name's Bunny X-O, but she's a real person, you know, and he was saying like, oh, she supported me through tough times.

But then he was like, wait, wait. Also, this son of God. So, like, I mean, he's mostly doing like omnipotent magic.

You don't have, you don't have omnipotent. No, but you help too, but you help. But Jesus. To be fair, if I had to choose between being dead in jail

or looking like the funeral portrait of a juggalo, I would choose either of the first two. So he's being clear. Anyway, so like unlike Jellyroll, some of the artists who won Graham has used their platform to express solidarity with the immigrant community in America and to call out Trump's Keystone Gestapo. So after the event, Jelly Roll was taking questions. And some people asked if maybe he'd like to join in the voices of those condemning, you know,

using five-year-olds to bait their parents, dragging innocent people into sub-zero temperatures in their underwear and shooting innocent people to death in the streets. And suddenly the dude whose opinion on religion was so fucking vital could not imagine why anybody would want to hear his opinion. Yeah, it's really too bad. We didn't get to hear the trenchant political wisdom of jelly roll. But if you want to know more about him, you can read his face. But here's the thing, you got to stretch the skin back out, you know, like a rubber band

with a secret message on it. So you got to get in close. a little tougher. I think the forehead says music man really big. So, I guess that tracks. He's a liar who's trying to sell a moral panic to white people. Sure. It does make sense. Well, we don't know. Maybe he's labeling himself as a music man, in which case, disagree. Or maybe it's supposed

to be like music, comma, man. Right? In which case, I feel like that still could have gone on a sleeve, right? Your enjoyment of music. So many other body forces that aren't face. Yeah. So when it comes to, to selling us his religion, he's got a tight five at a captive audience. When it comes to defending the actual terrible things his religious cohort does, or even standing up for the basic principles that espouses, suddenly he's a self-avowed dumb redneck who, quote,

hasn't watched enough, end quote, to know if shooting innocent people in the back is good or bad, end quote, people who shouldn't care to hear my opinion, end quote. So glad to see the GLP one's working for you, bro, but I'm sorry that your backbone was part of the weight you lost, you fucking coward. And finally tonight, in Down Under Blunder News, as a parent, there's perhaps nothing more mysterious

and painful than the dreaded professional development day. What are these developments? Don't the teachers already have professions? And why? Why, God, why? Does it mean you're willing to watch my kid for three less hours than you originally promised to? Well, for a large group of Queens, Christian schools in the Great Down Under,

it turns out that the teachers got the worst side of the bargain, as they received instruction on how to teach kids about creationism, vegetarian dinosaurs, and the factuality of Noah's Ark. T-Rex couple and velociraptor couple, just, you know, getting a tan on the deck of the ark.

No, no, no, no. We should go to the leaf pile for dinner. So the, you know, the triceratopses can come to those schools. I mean, there's four of us to do that, but like, I don't know, we can go fuck ourselves. I mean, I feel like Noah's Ark is a harder sell when you see kangaroos every fucking day, right? Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. So the science conference itself

took place sometime last year, but the story just made it to the Guardian this week. And when I said Australian and Noah's Ark, I bet a bunch of our regular listeners smelled some answers in Genesis afoot, and you would be correct. Answers in Genesis were the sponsors of this event, as well as the teachers.

while many of the real teachers were told that attendance was compulsory. Okay, Australian teachers in the audience, when they do this again, this is very important, I'm going to need one of you to let me borrow your teacher badge or whatever. I've been looking for an excuse to go back to Australia anyway. I have some questions. I have a dingo costume that goes unused. I could be the Zid? Not entirely on you.

Yeah, I'll be the Zid. They would like a Zid. So what did the folks from AIG have to say? say, well, according to the Guardian, quote, the conference featured a presentation by the Answers and Genesis, director of research, Australian geologist, Andrew Snelling. You have to wonder what exactly he directs, right? His attention elsewhere, apparently.

Lying. Those presents, say Snelling told them that the radiometric dating techniques were used by mainstream scientists to show fossils and rocks or millions of years old were flawed. He said that the Himalayas were formed by the Great Flood and that juvenile vegetarian dinosaurs had been on the ark. What? Teachers say they were then encouraged to incorporate the material by Snelling

into their science and humanities lessons. And so many moving parts in this dumb lie. So just to be clear on the narrative, they're saying the ark had a dinosaur couple that were kids, a juvenile dinosaur couple. Waterdow. They were herbivores. And they survived the flood about 4,500 years.

years ago. And then they had dinosaur child sex. And the progeny were like, evolve real fast. Evolve. And they evolved really quick into all the other dinosaurs that we see in the fossils with, of course, fake carbon planted by atheists, just sprinkled on top. I think it's actually dumber than that. I think that all but the one species of dinosaur died in the flood. And that's where the fossils come from. But they had to add one surviving. dinosaurs since people sometimes describe current animals as living dinosaurs and they're like, fuck, we got to account for those. Oh, I see what the video.

Okay. Shh, shh, shh, shh, fucking birds. Now look, our American listeners are probably thinking to themselves, hey, what's the big deal? They didn't even fire a lady for being pregnant or a choir director for being gay. And in America, that certainly would have been the closing ceremony. But in Australia, even religious schools, insert gaspier, have to teach real stuff. So when they bring the official organization of not real stuff to encourage teachers to explicitly teach the opposite of the curriculum

they're legally required to teach, it matters. No fair that they get that and platypuses. That's bullshit. Right? Now, as for the Christian schools, they are dedicated to covering their asses. No, no dying for a lie today. According to the Guardian, quote,

The chief executive of Christian community ministries, John Linden, said the organization schools teaches the, quote, four recommendations of the Australian curriculum, including the theory of evolution, adding, quote, at the same time, as a Christian school, we also welcome insights from scientists and scholars who work from a biblical worldview. This enables students to engage thoughtfully and objectively in determining their own beliefs and to develop a well-rounded understanding of life. end quote. I'm also happy to deny knowing Ken Ham three times before the rooster crows, if that helps. Linden also described Snelling as a, quote, highly qualified and respected geologist

and said Guardian Australia had been given inaccurate and absurd information about the presentation, which, to be fair, is true if they just described exactly what happened at the presentation. Maybe he's hoping for a loophole there. Either way, I guess it's good that these kinds of things, are being held in check. And if you need evidence for that, check in with American schools. Or as they'll be known

by the time you hear this podcast, state church that teaches math sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, except for the parts where three doesn't equal one or pie. Right. And, well, he hopes,

I guess, that there's no rule against bearing false witness. We're going to wrap the headlines up for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. Zidbanji. And when we come back, we'll add one man and a thousand voices

to the mix. But it's not dispatch without the hogs. I mean, they're still there. There's censored. I mean, Eli's right. You really do need the hogs to get the game. Hey, fellas. You ready for Bible peace theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Also, Noah, dispatch without hogs. Totally different game. See? Told you. Oh, but hey, Don. When did you get here?

Oh, Eli Gaslit my family and friends to convince me today was election. day and then when I went to the voting booth, it was just a really long slide here. From St. Louis? Man, that's a long slide. Oh, yeah, it was like 13 hours long. That's awesome. Did you say we the whole time? No, no, I did not.

Oh, lame. Anyway, where are we? Galatians. Eater of Worlds. No, that's Galactus, Eli. Galatians? Women from Haiti. Galachians.

Okay, no, that's not giving Joker and Oscar. Too sticky. So, as you know, the second letter to the Corinthians is basically Paul's response to everything going wrong during his visit. Well, even more went wrong during this letter, so he's going to bitch even harder to them. Wait, you thought the Joker should have won an Oscar? No, no, no, not won Heath. All the Oscars. Wow, white hot take.

Hey, Paul. How was the trip to Galatia? Oh, my God, so good, you guys. Wait, I thought you visited them back in the book. of Acts. Yeah, we're actually not sure which visit I'm referring to in Galatians, so just kind of hedging

our bets with the narration here in the... Got it. So, hey, so I've got some not amazing news. We just heard the Galatians are preaching a different gospel. What? I was just there. Yeah, well, they got their own thing again.

Okay, that is it. You're going to write them a letter? Huh, you damn right, I'm going to write them a letter. I got my revelation straight from God. You guys know that? I mean, you fell off a horse. Beep-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-dh. Direct from God.

Also, I'm not lying. So it feels like you're lying when you say that. Well, I'm not. Okay. Ooh, you know what'll help? What's that? I'm going to tell them about the time I got in a fight with Peter. Sorry, you got in a fight with Peter?

Like Peter the Apostle? I sure did, absolutely. Hey, Peter. Fuck, I do the voice for Peter, too. Nice. I'm going to grab some more coffee. Be back. No, guys, people aren't going to just want to hear me talk to myself. I'm not Noah.

I'm not talking to myself. I'm diatriving to the people. Whatever. We got to do something to spice it up. All that happens is that Paul tells Peter he's wrong about circumcision. Wait, didn't that happen? Probably. You got to remember that Luke doesn't mention it in Acts because Luke is trying to convince

everybody that Christianity is for everybody and Paul is not trying to do that. Okay, but that brings up the question. Why is Paul talking about this? It makes him seem super bad. I mean, all the epistles make him look bad. Yeah, that's fair.

Okay, okay, what did Peter say in response? Maybe we can do something about that. Nothing. Paul just says what he said to Peter. Oh, so I don't have to do two voices. Exactly. Nice. Hey, can I do a diatribe sometime?

No, Don. No, you can't. Okay. Anyway, Peter, I heard that you've been talking to people that they need to be circumcised to be Christian. And that is wrong. Tell you what?

Wrong. That's right. Bitch. Never mind. I didn't say bitch. Because we're both on Jesus. decide. You're my best friend, Paul. Oh my God, Peter. What? Thank you. Let's see. We're all brothers and sisters in Christ. All we need is Jesus. Faith in Jesus. So, Paul, I know this is a

shorter letter, but I'm really impressed that you haven't like, you know, devolved into. I am tempted in the flesh, okay? Like, you guys don't hold it against me about my severe temptations of the flesh. Okay, yeah, never mind. Oh, oh, you know what I realized? You know what I realized? We're like the sons of Abraham. Is this a wrestling thing? No, no, because hear me out, right?

Abraham had one son of flesh and one son by a slave. Right. Right, and so as Christians, we are the children of the good woman. Oh, please don't tell me the bad woman is the slave. The bad woman is the slave. Yep, yeah. Hey, Paul? Yeah.

So, you know how we told you that? Everyone was still circumcising themselves. Yeah, it's the whole reason for my letter. I was so mad. Right. So did you maybe want to mention it? Oh, good catch. You know when you're like so mad, you can't even know.

Yeah, that's what happened. Okay. Hey, if you're going to circumcise yourselves, you might as well cut off your whole dick and balls. That should do it, right guys? Hey, Paul. Yeah? So given that up till this point, this book has been like,

the perfect word of God, do you want to not leave space for people to cut off their whole dick and balls through incorrect interpretation of your words there? Ah, I think I can leave it in. Got it. Who's going to cut off their dick and fall? In conclusion, bear each other's burdens and bear your own burden.

Opposite. If you live by the flesh, you'll die by the flesh. you'll die by the flesh. Weird. The people who want you to get circumcised are only doing it so they can live by your flesh. What?

How? Oh, so they probably just want to, like, get you to get out your junk. And then, utilize it? Right, sure, but, like, they get free junk first, I think, is their plan.

Oh, got it. Also, it doesn't matter of your circumcise or not circumcised, as long as you believe in Jesus. Wait, what? That was the whole reason for the letter. No, the point of the letter is to love Jesus. I just wrote that.

That was the point I said. Now, you just wrote that now. But the reason you wrote the whole letter was... No, no, no, no. It's the Jesus thing. Now, now it's the Jesus thing. Is it because you liked the idea of seeing people's junk? No, what?

I wrote this letter myself. No, we know, man, we're standing here. Yeah. You can get out your junk. And that's Galatian. All right. That was weird. So what's up next? Ephesians. Okay, Ephesians. All right. Here we go.

Hey, everyone. It's me, Paul. I just thought I'd use this letter to the Ephesians to clarify a few things. I know it probably seemed a little angry in my last letter, but I'm not. We're all brothers and sisters in Christ, but admittedly the rules have changed. So let's sum up. Dude, dude, dude, dude, what are you doing? Oh, nothing. I'm Paul. You're not Paul. You're not Paul. You're a disciple of Paul's. Like years later. I mean, I could it be Paul who wrote this in a totally different tone for no reason?

Okay. Paul. So what do you have to say? Okay, well, look, here's, there's the predestination thing, right? Yeah. Okay, and saved by grace and not by works, you know? Sure. Okay, so you can let go of the commandments because Jesus destroyed them with his flesh. Like the Ten Commandments?

Oh, no, no, no, no, like the bacon and dick stuff. Dude, this doesn't sound like Paul at all. Okay, okay, okay, I mean, um... I'm a genius Keats, and also I was a prisoner of God for all of you. Okay, that's better. Also, after Jesus went to heaven, he went to... To help? To help.

Dude, why are you making them new stuff? Sorry. Women obey your husbands and slaves, obey your masters as if they were Christ himself. Oh, that's going to hold up. Great, man. Okay, for, four, we wrestle, not against the flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,

against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. What is he talking about? You have gospel sandals. What? shield of faith. Yikes. And a helmet of salvation and a sword of the spirit with which you will strike down God's enemies wherever they stand. Are you done?

Did it sound like Paul? Well, you sprinkled a little bit of good advice with completely contrary theological advice. And then you started screaming about a battle against demons and your enemies. So, yeah, I'd say he nailed it.

Okay, good. Yeah, good stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, so sandals of the gospel? I was vamping. Sure. Sure.

And with somehow eight more epistles still in the queue, we're going to wrap this segment up. We'll be back next month with even more Bible Peace Theater. Before we root our way into your memory registers, I wanted to remind you one more time that we're going to be recording a live episode

of Godawful Movies in San Francisco on Good Friday. That's April 3rd. Tickets are available at godawful Movieslive.com. And if you're not already excited enough to buy that ticket, I should mention that our good friend Kara Santa Maria will be joining us live on stage for the record. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on a look up for a brand new episode of our D&D actual play podcast, D&D minus, debuting at 7am Eastern tomorrow, an also new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7M Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend Goddiful movies debuting at 7M Eastern on Tuesday

and an even newer episode of our half-sitral citation debuted debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, they'd have to cancel the Super Bowl if I neglected to thank Heath Enroy for being the MVP. Eli Bostic for not being jealous that I said that because he doesn't know what those letters mean. I need to thank Lucid illusions for being the goat. If you're not a sports person,

I assure you that is a compliment. I also want to thank Don Ford for being the comeback player of the year because he keeps coming back. And I also want to thank the rookie of the year, Evan, who provided this week's Farnsworth quote, be sure, check the show notes for links to his blog and podcast. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. Noah, William, Alistair, Christopher, other Christopher Miasmia, nice. Jacob, Andy, Corrine, Limegreen, Morpheus, Eric, and Night Owl 1090.

Noah, William, Alistair, and Christopher are so cool polar vortex that warnings about them. Christopher Miasmia, Jacob, and Andy, are so desirable. The long piece in Tetris is excited. to see them and kareen morphias eric and nightow who are so synonymous with being super the nfell has to pay royalties to call their bowl that together these 12 men women non-binarys and colors of morphias help help pay the show forward this week by giving us money not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us but if you do you should you can make a per episode donation at patreon dot com slash scathing athes where by you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of

the home page at scaling aadis dot com and if you'd like to help but you're saving your money to build a defensive mode around your house. I totally get it. This would be the time to do that. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music was using this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you find all the contact info on the content page at scanning athias.com.

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