The Scathing Atheist - 677: AI Slopaganda Edition

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

On this week’s episode: America’s justification for war has some holeys in it ... Tucker Carlson ramps up his presidential aspirations with a meditation collab ... And we’ll watch the only rapture movie that might actually give us nightmares.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/---Marsh's article in The Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2026/mar/03/joe-rogan-podcast-politics-trump---Headlines:U.S. troops were told war with Iran is for "armageddon" and "return of Jesus": https://jonathanlarsen.substack.com/p/us-troops-were-told-iran-war-is-forHemant Mehta skeptical response:https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/before-you-share-that-story-aboutBible sales show sustainable Christian revival: https://www.thetimes.com/comment/register/article/bible-sales-show-sustainable-christian-revival-jdqn52q6p More Bible sales do not equal more Christians: https://humanists.uk/2026/02/25/more-bible-sales-do-not-equal-more-christians/  Transgender Kansans Sue After Driver’s Licenses Are Abruptly Canceled: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/27/us/transgender-kansas-drivers-licenses-lawsuit.htmlMike Huckabee's insane interview with Tucker Carlson about property deeds in the bible: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/22/world/middleeast/huckabee-israel-tucker-carlson.htmlhttps://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/feb/20/mike-huckabee-israel-middle-east-tucker-carlsonNew archbishop of Canterbury not fit for job, says alleged church abuse victim | Sarah Mullally | The Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026/jan/08/sarah-mullally-incoming-archbishop-of-canterbury-complaint-dismissed-allegation Gafcon leaders meet in Nigeria as splits widen in Anglican Church over Sarah Mullally - BBC News: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cgrz1rx0ejzo Bishop of Lincoln arrested in sexual assault inquiry: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y5e32vwdwo  Archbishop of York cleared of misconduct over handling of sexual abuse case: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/jan/29/archbishop-of-york-cleared-of-misconduct-over-handling-of-sexual-abuse-caseHallow partners with Tucker Carlson: https://religionnews.com/2026/02/23/prayer-app-hallow-faces-backlash-over-lenten-partnership-with-tucker-carlson/

Warning, this week's episode is one-third in the Epstein files, but don't worry. It's the good third. This week's episode is brought to you by MintMobil and by the new epistemological obesity drug that helps people stop overconsuming very stupid lies. The GOP-1 receptor agonist. Anyone needs it, just jab them in the belly. Nectar, it's coming soon. And now the skating atheist.

What up, what up? It's your boy Pete Hagsit. Commissioner of War or whatever it is, I call myself these days. Anyways, my boy Scoops wanted me to let you know that we did. In fact, evolve from Filthy Monkey Man. Thursday. It's March 5th. And it's National Absence Day.

Yeah, because why get drunk when you could get interdimensional? I'm Michael Marshall. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heathenwright. And from Susie Wileses, New Jersey. Connor, Hellebucks, Michigan, and Sporty, Spices Liverpool. This is the scathing atheist.

Oh, this week's episode. America's justification for war has some holies in it. Tucker Carlson ramps up his presidential aspirations with a meditation app collab. And we'll watch the only rapture movie that might actually give us nightmares. But first, the rest of the intro music. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the blood and sweat to my tears, Michael Marshall and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to lubricate, I guess? Okay, I don't know what anyone told you, Heath, but never ever use blood as a lubrication. Teas, maybe, but only if they're on. Fair enough. Yeah, see, and here I thought Heath was implying that you regularly shit a bunch of sweat, Marsh, so... Okay, I'm not not saying that. Either way, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor. Mint Mobile.

Okay, what about subway? Sorry, I really do need a new jet. Another one. I'm afraid so. Hey, Eli, I'm, and whoever this is. Who's this? What's going on? Oh, hey, this is Lord Hoppington-Soppamore the 11th.

He's from big wireless. Indeed, I am. Are you one of my serfs? Give me your money, I say. Sorry, Lord Hopington, but I get my wireless through Mint Mobile. What's... Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month.

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Now I get the same great service for a fraction of the price. That's why I, Heath, Enright, personally endorse Mint Mobile. All right, Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash scathing. That's mintmobile.com slash scathing. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month, five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customer offer for first three. three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra, see Mintmobile for details. All right, he thanks. You hear that, Lord Hoppington? No more of my money for you. The High Council will hear of this. But the Wool Dash or Missal disbanded the Council.

Well, Manscape Man has returned. Nice. Lore. Law of what? The ads, Marsh. Read the chart. Lour of the ads. Read the chart.

And now, back to the head. headlines. But before we jump into the lead story, we have some actual good news about our beloved Michael Marshall. When he's not reporting in legitimate venues like this one, he occasionally dabbles for other press outlets. So Marsh, I understand you've got a piece in The Guardian about none other than Joseph Rogan, a fan letter, I presume. Oh, God, yeah, obviously, obviously. So yeah, no, I wrote a piece for The Guardian because you know how you saw all of those headlines about how Joe Rogan soured on Trump and how he's condemned Trump over the ice killings or over the Epstein files or how he can't sleep because of the war in Iran? I heard a lot of that. And like how just like none of that is ever, ever true at any point.

And the fact is that those things get reported in the newspapers because the journalists who write those pieces only ever watch completely out of context clips that are about 20 seconds long. and the ones have gone viral and stuff, but they haven't ever actually watched the whole show. And I know that because Cecil and I do watch the whole show on No Rogan Experience. So yeah, I wrote a Pete of The Guardian explaining why you should never believe at all any of those headlines. And then also why you should listen to our show to find out where Rogan actually is on Trump and things. Excellent. All right.

We'll have that linked in the show notes. And if anyone hasn't listened to the No Rogan experience, definitely check that out. Absolutely. But I will say, Marsh, podcast with Cecil, articles for The Guardian. It feels like you're not really focusing on your main job, which is being the subject of my prank website. And I just want to give you that note now. Okay. I'll try harder in future.

Thank you. All right. In our lead story tonight, we did a war again. We did a war again. I'm just reading from a file we have called Headlines Template 2026. And apparently we're going to leave it like that. So in the latest example, Donald Trump was hanging out on a golf course, having a nice little Saturday in Palm Beach, Florida,

and he declared our undeclared war with a social media post. And it wasn't even a good one like, like, you know, MySpace or something like that. He announced on Truth Social that he teamed up with BB Netanyahu for a giant bombing campaign against Iran. Oh, God, it was Truth Social. So I was just hoping it was going to be TikTok, just Trump. just trump there dancing on the spot while pointing at text boxes that appear on screen

with the figures of civilian casualties 168 school kids chach cha cha, that kind of thing. But for those of you playing but Hillary will bingo along at home that's the full square! You did it! Head on up to the front to collect your grand prize of World War III

everybody. Come on up here. Congrats. And a big thanks to Logan Will, infinite improbability. Peter, Carl, Cameron, Mickey, Connor, Tucker, Anthony, Patrick, Tickfa, Wade, Julie, Anika, lobster, Carrie, Brandon, possibly Joe Biden, not clear. I'm assuming it's Joe Biden. Eric with a C, Eric with a K, Tom, other Tom, Chris, other Chris, and other, other Chris.

We're all sending us the exact same link within minutes of each other to scathing news at gmail.com. And that link is to a substack, which. doesn't sound great. I mean, lots of the time, that's just a, you know, a podcast for writers. Yeah, and Nazis, yeah. And sometimes Nazis. Ibid. Yeah. But it's also a place for legitimate independent journalists sometimes. And the writer in this case of the substack, Jonathan Larson, seems to be that, seems to be a legitimate journalist. So according to Larson's sources, just in the last five days since the initial attack on Iran. We've already had a bunch of complaints from U.S. military personnel

that commanding officers are describing the war with Iran as a magical fulfillment of prophecies about the biblical Armageddon and the second coming of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. Like, strategically? Apparently. If they think they're bringing Christ back, that would mean their plan is to bomb Iran so hard that it causes world peace, which is actually pretty close to Trump's actual justification for this war. So you can see how they got them. Yeah. Yeah.

So Larson guides information from the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, or MRFF. Murf. The MRF. Their job is to handle complaints about our military turning into a Christian theocracy with missiles, basically. Well, our military turned into a Christian theocracy with missiles. Larson was in contact with the head of the MRFF, Mikey Weinstein. And here's what we learned from him.

In a complaint from a non-commissioned officer who reported on behalf of about 15 others, their commander told the entire unit the Iran War is all part of God's divine plan and said that Donald Trump is, quote, anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth. I feel like a lot more people would be Christian if the Bible had mentioned that the signal fire of revelations was going to be. Tomahawk missiles, right? Like, you know, kind of a Marty McFly.

Yeah. Your kids are really going to love this call for. Lock in a lot of followers there. Yeah. Yeah. According to Weinstein, the MMRF got 110 similar complaints in the first 48 hours after that initial attack, which includes reports from 40 different units across all the branches of the military. But, okay, here's the bad news, I guess.

We're all skeptics here. and that really comes back to bite you in the ass sometimes because you have to be skeptical about your own stuff. You have to be skeptical about dunking on the Christian zealots in this case. And a great source for intellectual honesty is, well, I don't love doing it. But Hemet Meadow is very good at that. And he wrote a response to the news over at the friendly atheist blog. Boo, Narke, who cares about true things?

Yeah, it seems to be a pretty good response. Because Hemet has... Math teacher. Hemet has some doubts about the information from the MMRF. And this thing went very viral, this substack.

So check out the link of the show notes for the full response from Hemet, but I'll give you some of the key points. Hemet starts by pointing out that it's weird for all these reports to only go to the MMRF instead of the whistleblowers, at least sometimes going straight to a journalist

who could expose it. Right, exactly. Just never trust anything that only comes from a single source. This is basic media literacy people. At least two sauces or you don't touch it. Think of it as the hot dog rule. Marshall only eat hot dogs if two other people are eating it at the same time.

Okay. I was trying to figure out what that meant. It's what Eli said? Yeah. It's what Eli said. No, a catch of a mustard. Interesting. Okay.

Mustard only, I will stand by this. He dies on this hill. All right. So, Hammett also mentioned that we don't get the full original email from that non-commissioned officer, and the email doesn't name the commanding officer. I mean, I could see the whistleblower wanting to remain anonymous, but this means none of the journalists covering the story got to speak directly with anyone who personally witnessed a crazy Armageddon speech or something like it.

Right. I mean, did they even get to see the redacted emails, though? Because we've seen how easy it is to redact emails. You just do a find and replace for the person's name, and then also anything that might read as a reference to Trump, just for good measure. That's kind of how you do that. Yeah, of course. I think Adobe actually has that last one baked into their redaction software since the Epstein files, just to save you time.

Control T, get rid of Trump. Yeah. Yeah. Hemet also pointed out how the email has very similar wording and structure to several emails that were presented by Mikey Weinstein in the past. And Hemet gave some examples of that. And all of those emails thoroughly praise Weinstein and the MMRF. They're written in the voice of one person representing a bunch of people. lot of similarities. So, okay, none of this directly proves any lying, and Hemet says that,

but it definitely raises a few red flags and calls the story into question. All that being said, and this part is crucial to me, even if the whole thing is a giant lie, it's so very believable. Sure is. And that's a giant problem in and of itself. And also, this is why I never include the multitudinous notes people send about my sexual prowess when they send us atheist news to scathing news at Gmail.com, because I know, narcs like Hemet are going to see them. Just a reminder for context here. The person at the top of the entire U.S. military is Peter Hegeseth, a Fox News weekend host with crusade-themed tattoos. And he routinely holds. And he routinely holds Bible study at the Pentagon.

Which in itself is suspicious, because there's no way he can read. There's actually no way he can read. Okay, well, maybe HegSeth is not motivated by magical prophecy at work, but I don't know, maybe he is and nobody's complaining. That would check out too for me. So yeah, the absurdly dumb war with Iran that we're doing might be even dumber than we thought. If the reports from Mikey Weinstein are real, we have military leaders telling Trump troops to attack Iran while quoting from the book of revelation about the return of a vengeance

ghost with a sword coming out of his mouth. Or, and this is best case scenario, it's extremely plausible that all that is true, but we're just attacking Iran for secular stupid reasons. That's the best case scenario. Yeah. One other thing I just want to point out about Hemet's response that I think is really worth pointing out. It is incredibly generous while still being skeptically rigorous, right? Look, I know in a post-Internet broke our brains time of modernity, it's really easy to treat everyone we disagree with like our enemy and to talk about everyone who we think might not be telling the truth, like they're an evil liar who needs to be exposed.

But that's not skepticism or a way to make our community better. So I just, again, big ups to Hemet for seeing what very obviously could have been like click-baity community-in-fighting bullshit. And then instead, making it about knowing more. true things. Oh, Eli. That's like, if you ever tell anyone I'm lying, I will kill you, Hemet. I will kill you where you stand. So, so

close. So close. I know where you live. Yeah. But yeah, good lesson. If you're if you're just about to like so easily dunk on whatever, just, you know, give it a thought. Give it a thought. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe it's too easy. And in the Lyot revival news, there's been

a lot made in the UK lately of the so-called quiet revival. a term coined by the Bible Society last year to describe the recent flood of people discovering religion, particularly among people under the age of 24, and particularly among young men. However, if there is indeed a quiet revival, it's so quiet that none of the churches actually noticed it. Because in every measure of attendance at religious services, they show zero increase in attendances. Even if you look really hard for shy people quietly sneaking in at the back of the rooms. Revival ninjas.

Almost every single poll of religiosity in the UK shows a continuation of the consistent downward trend in church attendance and religious belief that we've been seeing for years, except that one quiet revival report. And that was more of a case study of people quietly lying to a YGov survey that was commissioned by the Bible Society.

Man, we've been talking about this for months. You're saying Americans stole our religious revival life from someone else. Oh, this is Beatlemania all over again, man. Okay, quiet revival is such an obvious lie. Born again Christians are physically incapable of doing that quietly. Yes. It's like talking to a, you know, like a vegan or a Linux weirdo.

You're finding out within half a sentence about their thing. Just like, oh, this? It's my relationship with Jesus and I'm a Linux. Like, absolutely not. Yeah, I can thin your machine down. I completely agree. But, you know, if Bums on Pughes isn't a good measure of the growing resurgence in Christianity among Brits, and if you don't get a good enough result out of credible polls checking in on people's religiosity,

there's still one other metric that you can point to is evidence that your thing is really popular, actually, and that is biblical performance in the bestseller list. Ooh, okay, well, as of writing this story in the number two book on Amazon right now is a children's book called How to Catch a Lepricon. So unless we're hunting for pots of gold, this might not be a great way to figure out our basis for truth. I just want to throw that out there.

Also, by the way, I'm using Linux now. I don't know if you've been a video. Yeah, yeah. How'd you feel about vegans? It runs really smooth in comparison to a lot of other. You're getting on that Ubuntu train? You know what? I was using an Ubuntu distro,

but I switched over to a fedora distroed out. It might even be better. You can tell Noah's gone this week because you can hear this part of podcast listener. So anyway, that was the logic of a recent report from the Society for the Promotion of Christian Knowledge, which is a UK-Bers charity, who were founded in 1698, the point at which presumably their accumulation of knowledge stopped, and then they've been very much in transmit mode ever since then. But according to their chief exec, in The Times, the charity painstakingly analyzed data on Bible sales going back to

2008. Kind of unclear how much pain is involved in looking at 17. lists of books and then hitting find to see the Bible ones. But anyway, they found that in each of the years, 2021 through 2025, their beloved book sold a record number of copies. It was 192,000 units shifted in 2019, but then that rose to 396,000 in 2025. But given there are around 27.5 million self-identified Christians in this country, at that rate, each will have actually bought a copy of the one

book their entire world view is based on by the year 2019. Almost that. They're getting around to it. Still, obviously, that's a major cause for Christian celebration, and it was worthy of coverage in The Times, the Daily Mail, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and the Independent. Yeah, but they'll let anybody publish in The Guardian these days, Marsh, it's a total break. Good point. The SPCK have been very clear to tell us what isn't driving this increase.

Chief Execx Sam Richardson stressed in his article in The Times that Some may argue that this trend links to the apparent rise of Christian nationalism, which made headlines in the UK during 2025. However, our data traces the notable increase in Bible sales to a far earlier point starting in 2020. So you see, it starts in 2020 before Christian nationalism had even been invented, so it can't be related to that at all. Okay, if we're going by a big spike in 2020, I feel like we should all be joining the church of like sourdose or whatever.

And staying indoors a lot, yeah, exactly. He is risen, would be there. So if it's not Christian nationalism, that is responsible for these units being shifted. And it's not a product of their actually being any more Christians than in previous years. Might it be, as the Telegraph called it, proof the young are looking for meaning in our soulless culture?

Well, it is, if you read The Independent, who explained that the resurgence is driven by a digital native Gen Z, desperate to connect with something analog, pointing out the return of scrapbooking, photo boobs, vinyl records, and phylofaxes, to which apparently they're also doing a hipster revisiting of some Bronze Age ethics, apparently.

Yeah, that's tough. The world's on fire. I'm never going to own a home. You know what I need? I need a book of single origin genocide with that warmer sound, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, typical Gen Z that is what they sound like. Yeah, popping open their.

new Bible to say that this Jesus fellow is pretty skibbitty Ohio. And I say this in possession of no cap at all, my friends. Not a single cap. Yeah, so you can probably imagine six seven. Six, six, seven. No, that's the word. Anyway, so yeah, it's fair to say that I'm just not really convinced by this. I'm not the only one either. So according to David Voas, who's the emeritus professor of social science at UCL, and he's also one of the country's leading quantitative experts in religion, it might just be that the few Christians that are still going to church are just each buying more copies of the Bible. Seems possible. And partly that's because there are new versions being released all the time. There was a new annotated edition published by the Bible Society to cash in on the interest

from their quiet revival study, which they say contains more than a thousand notes, prompt, stories and features to help its readers address the nitty gritty details of life. Wait, they did a gritty reboot. They did, they did. from work meetings to football games to family dinners. God. And it's unclear if some of those 1,000 nuts include advice on how to game public opinion surveys in order to make your dwindling organization seem relevant again.

Yeah. And just for context, apparently there's a quiet revival here in America, too, for the religion of crack addict to CEO. Oh, yeah. Some guy in a mustache over his real mustache bought thousands of copies of Mike Lindell's memoirs with that title using a credit card from the Mike Lindell campaign. That's how much of a fan he was. Imagine what a tremendous insult to God it would actually be to annotate his perfect word

with stories so that people get it. Yeah, absolutely. So it might be that, or it might be, as the SPCK admitted, that various groups like theirs have actually started publishing their own versions of the Bible. Because they explain on the website, while we spent a few decades with, without a Bible license, that changed in 2014 when our CEO, Sam Richardson, joined the SPCK group. We reentered Bible publishing with the NRSV Bible, followed by several other new editions. And now if you look, there's more than 10,000 different editions of the Bible listed on Christian Bookshop, Eden.com.com.

Which now cater to whichever flavor of Bible you might want. Oh, I want the Bible that the naughty Vickers in the 70s British sex romps were using. Can I get one of those? I won't want to... Yeah, maybe. Stick around for my second story this week. There may be something like that. It's going to be chilling cool, right?

100%. Sorry, do you need a Bible license? Is that not, like, public domain? Is there like DRM from God on that shit? No, Jesus is like Disney. He comes right after you. I guess. Oh, they got a license in 2014.

Well, maybe that's when the Bible came out of copyright. I don't know. It was Mickey Mouse and then the Bible in that order. Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh. God forgot to renew it. Satan. So there is one more possible contributing factor here. And it's one again that Sam Richardson of the SBCK does let slip in an interview.

He said some of the best-selling additions in the analysis are additions which are generously priced to be used as giveaways in evangelism. So, yeah, it's not so much the fact that more Bible sales equal more Christians. It's that more Bible sales equals more unwanted Bibles thrust into the hands of board passes by before being dropped unceremoniously into a bit. And it is just the same old shtick that the Gideons have been doing with their hotel freebies for decades. And that is a tactic which, ironically, might be the only thing genuinely undergoing a quiet revival in this entire story. And in we probably shouldn't be in Kansas anymore, Toto News. In truly the most bizarre attack on transgender people yet, the state of Kansas abruptly canceled all. of their driver's licenses this week.

Because God wants the F or the M to be permanent, I guess. Yeah, the only letter that'll allow you to lose is your L on your L plates, as God intended. Exactly, right. So, first off, big thanks to Craig for being the first to send us this story to Scathing News at gmail.com, but a ton of you sent it in and for good reason. As thanks, if you're a transgender person in Kansas, we now restore your license. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-boo. See, equally valid legal action

to what actually happened. Right. So the law, which took effect on Thursday, requires the gender marker on a driver's license or birth certificate to match a person's sex at birth. Now, it's worth mentioning that Indiana, Florida, Texas, and Tennessee have similar policies on the books,

but Kansas was the first to explicitly bar gender marker changes and to invalidate those licenses and birth certificates without warning to more than a thousand people in their state. Also worth pointing out, this same bill allows private citizens to seek financial damages from transgender Kansans who use a bathroom that does not match their sex at birth. Truly horrible. Jesus. Okay, so I had to check, but driver's licenses in the UK

don't list your sex at birth at all. And mostly I think that's because no part of a car is operated by the genitals. That's just not relevant information in the slide. I know Americans get confused about the whole stick shift thing, but that is not where the stick goes. Okay, who the fuck is this for? Yeah. It's bigot. That's the whole thing. Spoiler.

But like, what are they even trying to claim? Like a cop in Kansas doing a traffic stop and like, I can't be sussing out the baby genital situation of each person. I'm trying to do the rest of my job. I need to have that. What the fuck is this? Yeah. Well, you know, after the trans people are done sneaking into the women's bathrooms, which of course is their master plan, when the police are after them, their IDs will be so confused.

It's just, you know, it's throwing monkey wrench after monkey wrench. So the letter, received by more than 1,700 Kansans, without warning, reads in part, quote, Dear Kansas credential holder, House substitute for Senate Bill 244, enacted by the Kansas legislature overriding Governor Kelly's veto, requires Kansas issued driver's licenses and identification cards to reflect the credentialed holder's sex at birth

and directs the division of vehicles to comply with KSA 77-200. What does this mean for you? If you have received this notice, our records indicate that upon publication of this law, in the Kansas Register on Thursday, February 26, 20206, your current Kansas credential will no longer be valid. Additionally, please note that the legislature did not include a grace period for updating credentials. This means that once the law is officially enacted, your current credential will be invalid

immediately, and you may be subject to additional penalties if you will be. are operating a vehicle without a valid credential. That whole not allowing for a great period, in particular, that is incredibly hostile and shitty. That is entirely indefensible. What could they possibly think people are going to do if they're given advanced notice that their license is about to be made invalid? Okay, they're going to be tearing around doing donuts and parking lots while trans before

the deadline, right? To get it in there. Exactly. We can't have that incentive out there. No, that makes sense. was lady me who went that fast officer. What's wrong with these people? The letter continues, what do you need to do?

Pursuant to this new law, if the gender slash sex indication on the face of your current credential does not match your assigned sex at birth, you are directed to surrender your current credential to the Kansas Division of Vehicles. Upon surrendering the credential, you will be issued a new credential, reflecting the gender identification consistent with statutory requirements. If you have any questions regarding procedures for obtaining a legally compliant credential, please contact the Kansas Division of Vehicles or visit your local driver licensing office.

Yeah, visit it, but just don't drive there because we just made it illegal for you to do that. Yeah. Seriously, fuck everyone involved in this. Like, we need to have a thing when this is all done and we have. There needs to be a wall, some sort of wall, whatever I mean by that. You're all the George Wallace of 2026. Yeah.

Except it's even crazier than that. Wallace didn't like invent new bigot technology. Like you're like a segregationist showing off a new bigot device at CES. It's insane. What the fuck is happening? Yeah. The letter concludes, can you appeal this notice? Yes.

If you believe you have received this notice in error, you may appeal. Appeal rights are available under KSA 8-259. However, please be advised that the filing of an appeal will not preserve the validity of your current credential and associated driving authority. For additional information, visit a DOV exam station. Please review the following link. We apologize for the inconvenience this causes you. No, you don't.

End of letter. You're absolutely fucking don't. And look, there are lawsuits already being filed to stop this tremendously illegal action, but it's worth noting that even if this is stopped by a judge, and I think it will be, taking away a minority. group's identification is playbook about to do a genocide. So at the risk of literally everything I've ever said on this show is a joke coming true in real reality, maybe we don't wait till Kansas is giving out trans-only armbands to do

something about this. Maybe we'll be a little proactive, huh? We'll jump on it. We'll jump on it. And in Zeal Estate news, we have a story about the God of the Bible and the Zill situation in the Middle East. We didn't get a chance to talk about this on last week's show, and then it became extra relevant over the weekend.

Why? So we're happening. Teaming up with Israel and doing a war with Iran. Former Fox News host, Bronze Testicle Enthusiast, and conveniently selective born-again Christian Tucker Carlson interviewed our ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabee, to discuss whether dibs from the Bible still count for determining national borders now. Huh. You know what's weird?

Thomas Richard Nides, who served as the ambassador to Israel for the Biden administration, he actually never mentioned biblical dibs on Israel. I'm sure he would have gotten around to it because they were the same, those two administrations, exactly the same. But I just can't remember it. Yeah. So the interview lasted about two hours and 45 minutes. and it quickly turned into a heated debate.

And as you might assume, with a debate between Tucker Carlson and Michael Huckabee, the overall winner was absolutely nobody. We all lost. Yeah, it's such a shame, like all these bombs flying around everywhere at the moment, and they couldn't spare just one for that studio. Like, nobody would miss the bomb, and nobody would miss them either. Yeah, or the studio, 100%. Yeah.

Okay, but here's the thing. In a more narrow lens, and I really hate admitting this, Tucker Carlson was the voice of reason here, which means something's gone terribly wrong for the other person, Mike Huckabee in this case. The main topic of discussion was about the correct way to justify land ownership in the region. Most reasonable people would say that national borders in the Middle East or in any region are based on things like, you know, UN recognition and modern diplomatic agreements. Or by what a drunk British guy with a map and a ruler did 80 years ago. Yeah, that's the one we usually doing. But religious lunatics like Hockabee seem to think there's a title deed in the Bible.

And it got filed with the local real estate board way back way back when it still counts. Those can't both be true because the so-called deed in the Bible says ancient Israel has godly shotgun on pretty much the entire region. That would include Palestine, Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, and parts of Saudi Arabia and Iraq on top of Israel. Also, ancient Israel is the same thing as modern Israel is what he thinks, too. Okay, and this is ridiculous because there obviously isn't a title deed in the Bible. It's actually written on the back of the Dead Sea Scrolls in Invisible Inc. Read a Nicholas Cage movie, just one. Yeah, so the alleged deed comes from Genesis 158,

where it says this guy, Abram, who later added Ha to become Abraham, spoke to God, and God totally promised him and his descendants all the land, quote, from the Nile to the Euphrates. Tucker made the obvious point about the contradiction between that and the actual map in the now times. And before Tucker could even get to his question, Huckabee said, yeah, it's a big piece of land you're describing there. And here's the question from Tucker. He said, does Israel have the right to that land? The very, sophisticated clever trap was laid by Tucker. And Mike Huckabee dove onto the red X in the big pit under the anvil right away. Huckabee responded, quote, it would be fine if they took it all.

Wow. So Huckabee went full from the river to the other river 1500 miles away. Really? Really moved it out. Yeah. Guys, you haven't been on Facebook lately, but actually what Mike Huckabee means by that is that all the people in Pallas Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, and parts of Saudi Arabia and Iraq will willingly leave that land peacefully in those places in a seven-state solution. Yeah. You're genocidal. You are.

You're doing a genocide. Yeah. So I'm sure Huckabee's handlers immediately started gesturing wildly and miming like, walk it back, fucking idiot doing mimes as best they could. But it took Huckabee a while to figure out his giant. Gaff. He finally got around to walking that back, but not really. When Tucker pressed the issue about saying it's fine for Israel to take it all, Huckabee started by saying, I never said that. But he did, though. He did say that. In this conversation.

Yeah. And he said similar things many times previously, including his claim that the West Bank occupation by Israel is actually just legitimate, old-timey ownership. Okay, do Americans really want to start basing things on who used to own what in the olden times? Right, exactly. Is that a thread you want to bowl on? Do you want kids at Columbia chasing Navajo kids around, calling them colonial oppressors of the Arizonaian people? That's not going to go great, okay? Yeah, Huckabee said it's actually called Judea and Samaria, not the West Bank.

And that's in the deed. Adding exact words, there's no such thing as a West Bank, there's no such thing as an occupation. Oh, guys, don't worry. We just got to the other stupid side of my Facebook. So it's fair and balanced, everybody. All the idiots on both sides of my Facebook have been represented in this story. Yeah, also worth noting for context about Huckabee, just in case anyone's new, Mike Huckabee believes the second coming of Jesus can't happen without a very specific,

unemployed red heifer and a very specific haircut at a cow salon. and also Palestine can't really exist. And he seems to think that Jesus won't come back unless Judaism, the religion that Jesus rejected to form his new one, is in charge of the entire Holy Land. But it's cool if Christianity helps Judaism with that. And, you know, Christianity whets it speak a little bit with, you know, religious moral.

Right. And look, I know none of that is, like, biblically based, but the common interpretation is actually that the whole world unites against Israel, and then, as soon as they're about to lose, the Antichrist intervenes on their behalf and takes over the... Okay, that does seem to be how things are going. Guys, you might have to take the L on this one. You might have to take the L on this one. And here's the rest of the failed walk back from Huckabee. He explained that his giant gaff about Israel taking over the entire region, it doesn't count because Israel isn't planning to take a bunch of land. It's a bull. It's a

bold move, bold claim there, especially right now. What day did he say that? Yeah, it doesn't really matter what day he said that. And he said that, you know, on reflection, he's not sure it would be legitimate for Israel to claim all those countries and all that land. Apparently, he felt like he retreated to a safe place at that point. So he's feeling good. So then he added, now if they end up getting attacked by all these places and they win that

war and they take that land, okay, that's a whole other. discussion. Okay, but does he think that war works like playing marbles or something, where if you win, they have to give you all of their stuff? Because I'm pretty sure by that rule, the U.S. should be speaking Vietnamese right now. Lost that one pretty hard. So in response to the absurd claims from Huckabee, pretty much every country in the Middle East, other than Israel, released a joint statement that said, approximate quote, hey, congrats on your book. It's cool that you read, I guess, but that's nothing. We have a book too.

Also, your president is corrupt as fuck, so a bunch of us recently bribed him with billions of dollars on a jet. So, you know, good luck. Yeah, to be fair, our book says we're going to kill all the Jews so hard the trees will narc on them. And I don't know if you've noticed,

but we are committed to that bit. So, you know, while we're talking books. So, yeah, Huckabee is terrible and stupid, but he did have one decent moment. It didn't come during that disaster of an interview, though, but it did happen where all the real discourse is found during the Twitter fight in the aftermath. Ah, yes. Huckabby tweeted, I was expecting a thoughtful conversation and that he would ask questions and give me the opportunity to actually respond,

just like he did with the little Nazi sympathizer, Nick Fuentes, or the guy who thought Hitler was the good guy and Churchill was the bad guy. Okay, but the thing is, even that decent Mormon amounts to, I figured that since he's so nice to the people he agrees with, he'd be really fair to the people he disagrees with. He's Tucker Carlson, which still shows that Huckabee is an idiot, though. Even in that moment, he's an idiot. Yeah, bottom of light, it's a big idiot fight. Everybody's the worst. And the last part is important, though. Yes, Tucker Carlson actually made a good point about the absurdity of using the Bible to determine the world map now. And we should be criticizing Bibi Denyahu and anyone who does war crimes and apartheid.

But for some insane reason, that obvious truth quickly turns into weird anti-Semitic conspiracy theories for people like Tucker and Nick Fuentes. Also terrible. It seems like there, I don't know why this is hard. It seems like there's so much unslippery flat ground in there. But not for those people. And just in case we needed confirmation about that, Tucker got back from Israel following the interview and immediately claimed he was detained and interrogated in a secret spy part of Ben-Gurion Airport.

Oh. Yeah. Mysterious. But it turns out that was the private jet area. And airport officials were just checking his passport like everyone else, except in a fancy area with no lines. So, tuck your face. As usual, it ends with tuck your face. Yeah.

Even when he says something reasonable in the middle. And in She Doth Protestant Too Much News. Fantastic. It's been a few months, so I figured now would be a good time

to check back in on the shenanigans within the Church of England. The UK's number one religion for kings who want to marry their sidepiece

without being forced to have their wives killed. Though, no, it's not to say it completely removes the wife

killing option. Just ask Henry the 8th, killed two of his wives even after divorce was legal. Or just ask Charles III.

I'm kidding I'm kidding there is no way King Prince Charles could have successfully planned and carried that out himself He got his mom to do it That was definitely Charles in a snit yelling from the couch Just being like mom

I need you just murder a lady I need help please And a snack I want to snack By the way Charles is not looking good I know he's got some cancer gone But like

I feel like everybody else in that family Was eating the you know adrenachrome baby glands, Charles was getting like hamburger help or whatever. Yeah, well, you know, maybe if he took some real fucking medicine for his cancer, he'd look a little shinier. That'd be a good idea. So you might remember the last time we talked about at Church of England, it was still reeling from the resignation of the church's most senior cleric, Justin Welby, who's the Archbishop

of Canterbury, given his role in covering up the sexual abuse scandal of John Smive. Smithe, you might remember, was the Christian morality campaigner, who it turns out had molested more than 100 boys across the UK and Zimbabwe. And it turns out, Welby was informed of those crimes but decided not to investigate them. Ah, come on, guys. Think about how terrible it will look for us to tell everyone that our morality crusader is molesting kids. Let's think of the optics here, okay? Exactly. So, Welby resigned. And the good news is we've got a new Archbishop of Canterbury, the first ever woman to do that job. That's Sarah Malaley. She was the former bishop of London.

and she made the step up to the almost top job, given that King Charles is above her, she made that step up at the end of January amid what I'll kindly describe as a muted reception. Now, partly, her position of being pro-same-sex marriage, pissed off, conservative groups like the Church Society, and also, she's a woman, and that did not go down well with any of the traditionalists.

Sure, sure. You got to love it when you see the bigots all angry like that, though. So my mom umpired a Little League baseball game, with boys playing, and the dads were seething with rage that this was possible. Obviously. Yeah, like, in fact,

it went down so badly that the global fellowship of confessing Anglicans, the group known as Gaffcon, who represents Anglicans in Africa and Asia, they held a meeting in Nigeria to appoint their own alternative

to the Archbishop of Canterbury to head up the Church of England from Nigeria. So Uche Nweke, who attended the meeting in Abuja, told the BBC, quote, when you look at the Bible and the apostles, there was no woman in there. So a woman being the head of the Anglican church in England, I don't think that's going to go well,

unquote. And like, I don't want to be the one to break it to you, Uche. But if you read the Bible, there's some other folk that were conspicuously absent from the Jesus story as well. And I don't think you want to start pulling at that particular thread, man. It's not like a Lando-Calrizian type of situation, but you end up carrying a giant torture cross. up a big hill, like, at best, your Simon of Cyrene. But that said, Maléli is also facing opposition from closer to home, actually related to the very thing that caused her predecessor's untimely departure.

Prince Andrew. She's been accused by a sexual abuse victim of mishandling his case after he was molested by one of the vickers that she presided over in London, with a victim now saying that she's not fit for the new role. Now Malawi supporters would say, that was investigated. she was cleared of all wrongdoing in that affair after a review by the Archbishop of York, Stephen Cottrell. Though it is worth pointing out,

Stephen Cottrell himself was cleared of wrongdoing after he knowingly hired a priest who'd sexually abused two girls aged 15 and 16. All right, is there anyone who can be part of this process who has not mishandered sexual abuse? No, all right, then I guess we're good. We're all good here. And, like, I know this is starting to sound like a yarn and pushpin situation, but where the pushpins are rapists

and the yarn is senior-arch bishops who are trying to distract you from all of the rapists. Yeah, I think the yarn might be rape, Mars. It might well be. It might well be. But this in no way suggests that there is an inherent abuse problem within the church, obviously.

The church whose previous leader just left because they covered up abuse and now their new leader has been cleared of covering up abuse after a review by their other leader who'd been recently cleared of covering up abuse. Okay, they're about to start like bundling trunches of collateralized

rape obligations and selling them to themselves or something. This is insane. Yeah. Meanwhile, just last week, we learned that the Bishop of Lincoln, Stephen Conway, was arrested for sexual assault. But, you know, I'm sure that's nothing to worry about and the church will handle it as competently and transparently as they've

handled all those other cases. But I would say, if you're a bishop in the Church of England, who hasn't ever knowingly either committed sexual assault or covered for a sexual predator, maybe time to get your resume in order because there might be a senior spot opening up for you sooner than you think. Some old guy in Shally Sham is just like, I'm the head of what?

It was just me? Fuck. God. And finally tonight, in Shallow Be Thy Name News. If you've been listening to this show for a while, you know a couple of things. I'm the adorable heart and soul of this podcast. Heath is the tall one and Marsh is in the Epstein files for how much he hates people with multiple sclerosis. But you've also heard quite a bit about the meditation app, Halo. Okay, I've decided I'm just not going to stop this. I'm just going to rely on it slowly shifting into something even more convoluted as you get more and more bored.

Honestly, I think this whole thing will have like metered its way into something safely incomprehensible to the average person in like maybe a month or two. That's what I'm going to be. It's a safe bet, Marsh. Can I say it's a safe bet? He'll just slowly fall asleep. He'll take a nap on the couch or whatever. So we first covered Hallow when they,

partnered with adorable hate crime committing scamp, Mark Wahlberg, who offered what I can only imagine to be the worst, most grading and mispronounced guided prayer ever recorded without the caption mentioning that they were someone's last words. The app has also partnered with other actors, like Only Male Voice Hollywood knows about Chris Brat, Lady Whose Trajectory I obviously haven't been paying enough attention to, Gwen Stefani. Okay, maybe a little doubt would be good from Gwen.

And rapist who rapes people, Russell Brand. Though admittedly... Didn't he get like two more accusations? Reasonally, another case going? Depending on what date it is. Fucking horrible. And in Hallow's defense, they did sever that partnership when he was hit with actual rape charges last year.

Yeah, because they've got standards. You know, sex crimes are a no-no. While hate crimes, they're only acceptable if they're against the Chinese or the Japanese, apparently, given his Marky Mark and Gwen Stefani. I'm just saying East Asian 4. maybe give Chris Pratt a wide berth until we find out which of you he has an issue with. Yeah, it's gay people in hard math, don't worry.

Okay. So apparently the star power of that extremely funky bunch can only last for so long because the app has a new partner that has liberal Catholics all in a tizzy. I'm talking, of course, about demon attack survivor and bow tie showroom floor dummy come to life. Tucker Carlson. Oh, okay. So they really will just take any race crime there. Good to know. Good to know.

Yeah, but now we can finally meditate and find Samadhi with the dulcet tones of Tucker Carlson. Yeah. Who's every sentence sounds like he's sending back food at TGI Fridays, but like somehow in the form of a question, like an angry question. Get on that. Like he's sending back food at jeopardy. Yeah, find fucking Nirvana with Tucker in your ears. Do it on hard. So Tucker, whose video podcast now appears.

exclusively on X, after his old show at Fox cost his network $ infinity trillion for all the lying, announced the partnership on his latest episode, encouraging his listeners to take the Pray 40 Challenge for Lent, with Tuckham saying, quote, it is the best prayer app ever, and exact quote in order that I have not added anything to or taken anything away from,

you're responsible for your next choice, even if you have behaved in deeply honest, unholy ways, and we all have. Get three months free at hallow.com slash tucker, end real quote. Wow, yikes. Yeah, it is rare to hear an ad delivered by someone actively struggling not to admit to a crime during the ad rate. The sound you heard in the background of the ad is his microphone picking up the beating

of that telltale heart. Yeah, you got to use that room noise effect in the editing software. It scrubs the ambitial. guilt, right? Yeah, yeah. It's denoesome. As a result, Hallow has joined Tucker's other sponsors

on many people's boycott lists. Those other sponsors, by the way, being Cowboy Colostrum, which sells grass-fed cow colostrum, and Black Rifle Coffee, which Religion News Service, helpfully pointed out, is currently facing a federal

class action lawsuit, alleging its branding misleads customers into believing its coffee is produced entirely in the United States. Oh my God, that's Evan Hafer's coffee company. He's one of Joe Rogan's best friends, most frequent guest. Joe Rogan never mentioned that when he was on the show,

but I do utterly hate how easily I recognize that name now. That is not good for my brain. Jamie, can we check if he's a giant liar? We can't. No, we're not doing that. Cool. Honestly, Marsh, you've got to leave some room in your brain for not evil stuff. Your senility is going to be such a bummer.

Oh, God, you're right. Right? Okay, but this is delightful. Tucker took a sponsorship. for Lent. And everyone immediately gave up those

products. That's amazing. So, yeah, it's almost like religion and far right bigotry brands are so intrinsically tied

at this point that even if one were a liberal religious person, abandoning all support for that religion would be a necessary part of any

legitimate claim to liberalism. But hey, hey, hey, hey, what do I know? The cowboy colostrum guys won't even return my phone calls.

You know what I'm saying? All right. Right, that's going to do it for the headlines this week. Marsh, Eli, thanks as always. Geelongi. Nice. And when we come back, we'll talk about some AI slop that is indistinguishable from human-made Christian movies. Yeah.

So there's lots to talk these days about AI becoming sentient and taking over the world. Well, today we have some great evidence of the exact opposite, Christian AI sloppaganda for kids. Welcome to another God Awful Mini. So Marsh, what exactly are we going to be breaking down today? Okay, we watched the YouTube Mini, exact quote for the title here, Rapture 2025 animated Christian movie that will change your life, AI Animation, hashtag Bible Stories. We watched a really bad mushroom trip that I had when I was 19 also. It's so bad.

It has the same title as a product on. Amazon, right? 100 beast, fun toy for kids, lots of playtime. Lots of relax. Scream free. Yeah, it is exactly that. And it is the AI slop telling of what happens during the rapture, as apparently told by people with only a passing grasp of what happens during the times we're not being raptured. It's from the Think Jesus Network, and it's been viewed 1.1 million times. I don't know how that's possible.

I think it's mostly just people trying to figure out what's happening. You know, because they count. Is it just AI watching itself and racking up views? I don't know. That seems crazy to me. Very possible. All right. Eli, how bad was this many?

Well, if you love Grandma's cool new Facebook profile picture, that includes all of her interests and even her catmuffy, but you wish it more deeply reflected her concerns about the second coming of Christ, you will love this movie. It's our first AI. Slop Christian movie, y'all buckle in. Yeah, I am not totally convinced that

Eli, you didn't just make this movie as part of some kind of circular economy, like a vertical integration strategy just to keep the gam well-stocked until the end of time. I am almost certain Eli made this to directly infuriate me and terrify me.

I sure did. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with Best worst animation style or styles? It's hard to tell because at no point will this mini settle on what its actual animation style is. And that includes during specific scenes where people just shift in and out of like Pixar style

and then semi-realism style. Their eyes are just oscillating between really big and really small. Like they're deliberately trying to freak us out. Their eyes are breathing somehow as to how often their faces just shift. Their style of animation and their accents, everything feels like, you know, know, like a marble rolling around, a sink, trying to find, like, the place where it wants to eventually land. Yeah.

Yes. It's pretty crazy. So I was going to go with Best Worst. All right. I circled back around to being worried about AI again. So this thing, it's incredibly vapid. When AI gets trained on the Bible and prompted by, I'm assuming, Christian people, we get some reassurance about holding off the machines for a bit longer.

But then I started thinking about it some more. It actually made me more suspicious. So if I was James Spader inside the internet and I'm planning to take over humanity, I'd want to really sandbag it in terms of my abilities, right, as long as possible. And I'd make pretty much exactly this movie as a ruse for that sandbagging stretch. You think this is, it's faking it. It's faking it. Yeah.

And I, of course, I'm going to go with best, best thing to expose Heathenwright to. Podcast listener, I need you to understand that Heath does not live in the post internet world with the rest of us. He resides in, I'm going to say like 2011, maybe 2012. He has like lovely dinners with his friends. He has hobbies where he touches grass and breathes clean air. He has no exposure to AI slop. And this is the sloppiest slop I have ever seen. feel like the expression about giving a sour warhead to a pilgrim in AI slot form.

This is what I've done. I know about internet. I know the asky art with the shrug. I can do, right? Planking and fridging. I know stuff. I know stuff. All right.

Let's get into this insane, whatever the fuck it was. We're going to start with a car crash and a plane going down. And this is what happens when the rapture occurs when all the good Christian people get teleported out of their clothes. and zipped up to heaven, apparently all naked. Yeah. And I need you to understand that one of the crashing planes immediately turns into a bird missile.

Yeah, it really does. Like the main one is flying forwards, but the plane in the background, it starts flying backwards and then, yeah, transmogrifies into a bird. That's apparently the thing that's going to happen in the rapture. Not clear on the lore about that in any of the Bible stuff. It's confusing.

It's, okay, so the idea is that, like, people get zooped away, and then there's, like, car crashes because nobody's in the car or plane crashes because there's nobody in the plane. First of all, it seems like we shouldn't let Christian people be airplane pilots and they should be on board with that because they know it's going to happen. Any second now, yeah, within their generation. But also, we see a plane exploding midair.

Yes. Why would that happen? What would that have to do with anything? Is that the one that's falling straight down and then its fire goes out and it's fine actually? It is fine at the end of it. But none of that, why would any of that happen? Or is it the one that's got like a brown trail of smoke after it, like when a goldfish does a big poo but forgets to break it off?

Yes, exactly. Yeah, it could be that one. Yeah, this is where we also get our opening voiceover here. That terrified me. Took me by such surprise. Oh, yeah, the narrator who also is the Pepperidge Farm Remembers guy. Yeah. So he's fun.

Someone definitely asked 11 Labs to rip off Morgan Freeman's voice for this first thing. Morgan Freeman bought white. That's what they asked for. That was a prompt. But then, spoilers. they are going to run out of 11 labs credits very quickly into this movie. So for the opening we get, this is the story of that moment when the sky opened.

And I wrote in my notes, past tense? Yeah, right. The movie seems to be recounting a tale. Yeah. So from there, we cut to a school bus going through suburbia on a sidewalk, which was confusing. and just like running through lawns. Like half the bus is just going over people's lawns.

Yes, Cyborg Freeman here says, it was a day like any other. And I wrote in my notes, yes, children are playing and morphing into each other as they disappear over the horizon. So terrifying. The movement of these kids as they play is so rough to watch because the AI knows that people glide when they're on a scooter.

So they're gliding around. But the AI isn't clear that they need to be on the scooter to glide. So they're just gliding around. before suddenly a scooter appears, belief their feet. It's so genuinely eerie and nausea-inducing to watch. It was also confused by scooter as a concept. So there is one that kind of looks like a scooter, but then they were like, I don't know,

another kid's got a wheel stick. Hoverboard. Coverboard. And he jumps on that. Yeah, so the bus driving down the sidewalk was confusing. And then it's like the AI was learning basic stuff during the movie. And the AI was like, I don't know, I'm going to morph into a right. regular road that has room, so I'm not riding over people's lungs.

Can we talk about the inside shot of the bus? Sure. Okay. So we're watching the bus go down the road. Then we get an inside shot of the bus and the bus driver. And the bus driver's just like, oh yeah. Terrifying.

And for no reason. Like, it's not like he's much of himself. Yeah. But it's not even muttering, right? They was like, and now do some muttering AI. And AI was like, best I can give you is the message Satan sent through this VHS cassette. Just trying to figure out things that are normal.

It's like a, like a baby deer starting to walk was a movie in every way. Like a movie trying to learn what a movie is while it's doing a movie. Single he's trying to flirt the movie is what we're watching right now. Okay, that's. I have seen him go, oh, no, and all right. So now we're going to meet some characters. First, we get Susanna's home as a title card. Susanna's a mother of two.

She's also very clearly a murder robot trying to like smile normal straight at the camera which was very scary. With Susanna they've gone with a Pixar style but rocking bud but a face that's stuck in a smile by that joke of gas.

That's what they've gone with with her like Rick'd his grin. Look I can't pretend to know what fucking second-ranked car wash bin version of AI they used to make this but I promise you it was intended to be made for porn

okay? Oh yeah. The women's bodies and this cartoon tell you that this was for porn and it has been put to terrible purpose in this Christian film. 100%. We also see the two kids here. They're

praying before they leave for school, I guess. Their names are Maya and Daniel. Yeah, they say, Lord, we commit this day into your hands. And like, I wouldn't mention hands when you're this bad at doing fingers movie. This little girl is praying while very clearly holding someone severed thumb

between her own two thumbs. It's terrifying. They have a lot of trouble with fingers still. Yeah, that's a weird one. This one has trouble with mom's voice here for a second, too. So she's like, hey, Maya, Daniel, don't forget your lunch boxes. I had to write out, Maya, Daniel, don't. Forget your lounge boxers. Yeah. What is it like to live it by Manapelania Trump? Jesus. No, we ran out of our 11 labs credits and now we're using text to speech from word 95. Yeah. Hey, Mom, you said one word like demon and then a couple other ones. Sorry, I'm fucking the bus driver.

It's all good. I don't know the computer stuff well enough, but like what in AI would make it have trouble with like one insane word that becomes a demon word? And then the rest are like human. I don't understand why that would be one of the flaws here. I don't know.

But it gives this weird sort of tension. Like every single line of it is delivered like a hostage video while they're all like grinning and staring and blinking at the camera. And like, all this is is a conversation about remember we take your lunch to school. And I was the edge of my seat terrified. Absolutely. Yeah.

No, it's that moment of a horror film where you can tell something's off. Yeah. Right? Where you're about to turn the corner and the demon is there. But it's just computers being bad and making pictures. Yeah. We're also going to meet another family here. Gideon's family.

Gideon's mom and dad are atheists, which is gross. were told that by the narrator, but Gideon, he knew God. The kid knows God. And to be fair, I would also be an atheist if, like Gideon's dad, I had such a difficult time staying the same Mexican guy in between takes of my face. Okay, we get some more interesting vestigial AI stuff here. So apparently, AI is trained on, you know, the media that exists. So in this case, I guess animated movies.

But it kind of seems to have taken something from human live movies because the AI seems to need bad multi-camera cuts to cover flubbed lines of the animated characters. And the AI does ADR and it misses with the timing of the ADR in the mouth. It's great. It's so great. Yeah. So we watch the kids get on the school bus and they're all like, you know, walking like they just learned what. human walking is. And then the bus driver gets shown again, and he's mumbling like sling blades some more. And everybody's like, okay, seems fine, go to school. Just randomly smashing the horn for no real reason, yeah. Right. He's going to kill those kids. Like he's about to drive them into a

ravine. So they arrive at school. And there's a flag flying above the school. The school, I guess, is represented by the country called All Red. It's just an All Red flag. Yeah. And the narrator tells us that their teacher is Christian, but as we're hearing that, we're watching this teacher very clearly writing a demon spell on the board. Carving a pentagram onto the board, yeah. Just staring at the blackboard in a fugue state, drawing sigils and occult glyphs, like absolutely that. Yeah. And then she suddenly, and I generally jumped because from that, we see the back of head, and then suddenly we cut to her, suddenly facing us in different lighting conditions. And I wrote, oh my God, the mystical glyphs,

really worked, she's teleported. Terrifying. It's jarring. It's like that shot of Andrew in the back when he got arrested with the lights on. Yes, it is. So the teacher says to the kids, Jesus loves you and he's definitely coming back. And then the brother and sister that we met, Maya and Daniel, almost make out for a second. And then I think the AI is like, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. It looks like he's like eating her cheek.

And also what we don't, like, they're in a school, but all of the other kids are them as well. It's like a school for clones. And I wrote, is this what it looks like in like those ice detention centers? Yeah. Obviously not because there's way too little extrament and disease for it to be an ice detention center. But it is terrifying to see. Yeah.

He's whispering to his sister through his hand. I was so disturbed by this. I was like, does they I not know how to do whispering? I checked with chat GBT. I was like, hey, do whispering. And it was like, don't look at me, man. I can do whispering. I didn't do that.

And when it cuts him whispering, all the girls in the class magically disappear. It does one of those weird cuts to cover. And all the girls have just gone and the boys are still there. I thought, oh my God, they've been taken by ice. They've come for them. Seriously. And then we cut to recess time. And this was truly terrifying.

The children summoning balls to their. Oh, my God. There's basketballs and whatever balls floating around impossibly. physics is all fucked. It's like my actual nightmares. Yes. For real. It's the school for those kids

from the Matrix, the ones that are learning to be the one bending spoons and stuff. That's what the school must be for all. Yes, that's what it is. I just over and over again I kept asking myself like, look, I know that I don't share a worldview

with a lot of Christians, but like, surely they didn't look at that image of a ball ascending towards a child's hand and go, yes, that is how balls bounce. Right. And the AI, I guess, wanted to show background of the playground with, you know, a bunch of other balls there too. But they show us like terrifying husks of basketball littering this like post-apocalyptic playground. Forget it.

I hated this so much. Truly my nightmare. So from there, the narrator tells us that people just continued with their normal activities. Because, of course, they don't know the rapture is coming really soon. Oh, God. This is where we cut to. mom at work and she's typing. And honestly, I laughed so

hard. She's typing on the desk right next to her keyboard. But she's typing and we hear the clicking. And it's making the clicker. Yes, it's the best. And it's like, and she's got this big grin on her face and it's like she's putting a brave face on her nervous breakdown at work. I like it so hard. Clickety click, click, click. I type

click click click, click. I'm a worker click. Yeah. This is exactly what happened the one time Heath and I tried to write our headlines in the same room. That turned into a whole thing. We had to have a conference about it. We did. Yeah. So we also see

people at the mall doing their normal activities. The stores at the mall are not words. They're not even from an alphabet that I'm aware of. Does A. I not know the alph-do large language models not have access

to the alphabet? What happened? How come you steal 100 A's and then you're like, gizorp? Like, I feel like something. Exactly. Also, I just want to talk about this. I know it's such a weird thing to say, 100% you should watch this.

It's only 10 minutes and you will die 24 hours afterwards, but who isn't looking for that at this point? No, so I want to say that the opening shot in the mall in a really disturbing way is totally perfect. Right? It immediately gets disrupted, but there's like two seconds of perfect AI footage and then it goes back to being like,

window through eye clothes. Yeah. Yeah. You talk about AI hallucinating. It's like actual acid. It felt like I was on acid for this whole thing. Truly. Not fun hallucinating, though.

Like, fucking, the kind of hallucinating you used to do as a kid when you learned you could like eat a bunch of nutmeg or fucking huff jencom. Right. Like the nightmare you have during your acid trip. Yeah. Terrifying. And then the narrator says, in the blink of an eye, everything changed. Okay.

Which is hard because how can you tell that when everything is already changing from frame to frame when things are normal in this animation. It's impossible. He says, a trumpet sounded across the world. And then they've just taken a trumpet sound effect. And it reminds you that... Was it? A trumpet? And then it reminds you that trumpet as your big sign is actually pretty silly.

Yeah. But all these clone kids look really surprised at how bad the trumpet playing is. They're like, oh, God, that's what he sounds like. That's what Jesus sounds like. Is there a conch shell that's drunk and yelling at us right now? What would that mean spiritually? Yeah, my fellow people-born Jews will identify with this. It's like when you went to Rosh Hashanah and the guy whose turn it was to play the

show far really fucking sucked at it. That's the trumpet sound here. Yeah, so then we see people vanishing in a flash with their clothes left behind. And then a kid gets levitated up. And I was like, what the fuck has happened? But the clothes stay on. and just there's other clothes kind of like falling through the sky around him. He levitates and then rains other separate different clothes behind him.

Yes, and the fact that he is still clothes when his clothes fall off. He's off screen before any clothes fall off. That's proof that the AI that they used to make this wasn't GROC. That's how we know. It's like one suspect down. It's like GROC had a lawsuit during the movie. It was like, Kukag, okay, pending legal. We got to, we're going to keep those clothes.

We also, we cut back to, at her nervous breakdown job and there's like papers just like descending on her from the sky and then she manifests either a necklace or a snake in front of her out of like nothing just suddenly there's a snake appears in the desk and then she disappears. Yep. Yeah. And I thought

I bet she shoplifted that necklace snake because people do that as a cry for help when they're going through stuff like she clearly is so that's what that was. Possibly. Okay. And then we see three kids in like triptic frames and they're texting, but they're text,

we see the text and it's like more demon glyph stuff. Yeah, incomprehensible eldrick messages to each other. Yes. To purely love craftian. Right. Then the narrative says, and now the chaos begins. And we see some more crashing and car accidents.

But like now the cars are from like the 1920s. I don't know why they're not modern cars. But we see that. The narrator says, some people kneel and cry. And then we get a long shot of two kids. screaming straight at the camera in the middle of the street with crazy eyes. Oh, yeah. So we have to point out the horror of this animation.

So so far, the animation has sort of been Pixar-ish AI slop, right? Grandma's profile picture, right? That sort of shiny-faced, overly roundness. In this frame, for the first time, everyone is sort of mad magazine animated. It is horrifying. It really is. It's Jessica Rabbit being lowered into the goo that kills them. Yeah.

With the car accidents, by the way, we see empty cars because people got zooped and they're crashing, but some of these cars are stopping and then accelerating and smashing more cars. What's happening? Like, maybe Tesla autopilot? I don't know. It got a little bit better. It's doing a little bit less like murder, but it's hitting a lot of cars. Also, there's points at which people emerge from.

from those crashed cars, like the liquid metal Terminator, pouring out of the window and becoming human. One of those is a woman with like three arms, but at least two of them are T-Rex arms. It's a vision of what's going to happen to us. It really is. Yeah, that vision also includes a future. I guess we're a little bit into the future.

They have hologram phones. We see a little bit more texting, and there's holograms popping up on top of the phone for everybody. Hologram phones and then a shot of what appears to be a K-pop band performing? I wasn't sure what that was supposed to be. The 10 giants in like Times Square and the C. K-pop giants. With what look like rocket feet?

Yeah, they've got rocket feet. They do have rocket feet. Not everybody gets rocket feet for their rapturing. And that feels like, you know, I'd be kind of mad about that. I would be so jealous. Oh, I don't care how far into heaven I'm going. If I don't get rocket feet, I'm not going in. People just flying past you, naked.

Yeah, like everybody seems to get raptured in a different way. This seems like a really inefficient way to rapture people. to have a different method for every person you rapture. Yeah. So now the narrator says, the dead raised to meet up with the king. And we're going to see a little bit of heaven with the raptured people. Yeah.

They could not manage the people getting up from the dead, which I thought was interesting. Like, I'm always fascinated by what AI says no to. So what we have for the dead raising up to meet the king is a bunch of graves growing chimneys. Or geysers. It looks like just like water geysers going off. Exactly. Yeah, I guess... Like a white snake concert.

If you're dead and in a graveyard, but you were a good Christian, you're like, your dead body dust gets like sucked up or whatever. Okay. So we see some of that. We see the same shot of the car accident again, like the exact same shot. They're recycling that.

Yeah, two of the four times we'll see it in this movie. They might as well shrink the margins of the frame of the movie to try to like that. It's so weird. And then we see some kids getting into heaven for real up in the sky. And everyone, the kids, everybody else, they all have robes, like from a day spa.

Or from like an only okay hotel, like a hotel, but like an only okay. Yeah, they're not great robes, but they all have robes. And the idea here is you get zooped up and you're naked and somewhere along the way, there's like a robe station, but there's like an awkward, like just levitating naked past people

and some people have rocket shoes. Weird Lord. Yeah, and especially like these are just robes. Like we see them on three kids. Obviously, all the kids, the kids we saw getting raptured were all either black or Hispanic. All the ones we see in heaven are white. So you must get whited on the way up as well. But they're all wearing these little robes, which means like there's a point at which you're coming off the ground and you've got the robe on.

Anybody on the ground who isn't raptured just sees a load of baby dicks, just a load of toddler dicks every time they look up. A lot of baby dicks. An uncomfortable amount. Yeah. An uncomfortable amount. Okay. Interesting. Oh, I'm Ethan right.

Any amount of baby dicks makes me uncomfortable. I'm tired of having this fight with you on air. Okay, aside from the Goldilocks zone of baby dicks that Eli's describing, heaven is also weird for a couple other reasons. Okay, we see Jesus for a second and people are singing. I guess that's like the normal view of it. But there's also a pretty big shot of an orchard of very small yellow trees that you have to walk through. Yeah, everyone gets a bonsai tree when you get to.

That's cool. With a golden path through the middle that everybody isn't walking on there, walking on everything else, like absolute dicks. These are many of the ones who follow the rules, and they're not even walking on the path. Yeah, not walking on the path. And then there's like a really long, even longer path that has to like go up a mountain. It seems like a bunch of walking. Like get some transit in heaven.

Yeah. No public transit. So for there we head back to Earth to see more of the chaos for the heathens. Yeah. At this point, the bad voiceover, which was already bad, is now so out of sync with the faces that the faces don't even seem like they're doing talking movements anymore. They seem like they're chewing through invisible sheets of broken glass. Yeah.

And the thing is, again, we see the animation style shifting all the time. And I actually think that is the most horrifying thing. That's deliberate by God. Anyone who doesn't get raptured, they're living on this hellscape where your face constantly, cartoonifies and then uncartunifies, just constantly shifting in and out. That's the thing that's there to really freak you out about not being raptured. So weird. We also see a news report on TV here. It says millions are missing. No explanation. But it also says some other crazy shit that's not using real letters. It says mass disappearam action. Men's mass perianic. No scientific

explanation. And then weird code appears on the screen. Then the demon. Then the demon writing, yeah, exactly. And you see people watching it, and then this is like weird demon writing that looks like cord. And I don't want the people in the soul to turn each other and be like, are we in a Nicholas Cage movie? I think it's in a Nicholas Cage movie. Yeah. Not one of the good ones either. We also zoom out from the news report for a second and we watch people watching the news. And it was like, just to trigger me, there's pictures on their wall that are like non-Euclideanly placed. It's impossible. They're all bunched together like they're afraid. of the movie as well. And they morphed into the, you know, a skew alarm thing that I have in my apartment that you're not allowed to move.

Fuck. Okay. Then the narrator says, the rapture chaos continued everywhere. Okay. So again, in the list of things I learned that whatever this model of AI is can't do, it really, really cannot do

crying faces. Oh, God. Does a really bad job. People are bleeding tears out of every part of their eye except the one you cry from. It's so bad. There's this guy who's, like, he's got this weird, horrible,

he's a creature with, like, waxen skin. His eyes are basically touching his nose. And there is just this liquid metal pouring. It looks like someone's taken a paper clip and, like, unfurled it so it straight, and then jabbed it into both his eye and his lip at the same time. And now his eyes are trying to escape that. And then there is a girl, and she's crying.

I'm not being funny here because she is a young girl in this. Well, her tears 100% look like someone came in her face. And that she's not upset about it, but she's just kind of resigned to it. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it is GROC. Yeah, I guess this is, yeah, that's the Goldilocks zone for that for Grock is some cool. But the point of this moment is it wasn't too late for everyone because some people were reading

the Bible. and one girl was maybe trying to eat the Bible, like a popsicle kind of. That was strange. One girl's Bible turns into a mahjong set. It's pretty terrible. And then we see Jesus Christ. Asterisk.

Is it? Sitting in a field explaining how he promised to come again. And that's clearly what's happening now. But Jesus, not your typical. He looks like every old white guy in Michigan who bruises his own beer. I don't know why that's the vision of Jesus. He also accidentally float.

his scroll for a moment. Like he's gesturing with his hands of the scroll he's holding just floats in between him. Yeah. Yeah. And then we get, I guess, a rapture checklist of important stuff in text from this movie. It says, after rapture, do you still

think there's a second chance? So you've got to ask yourself that, I guess. And then there's a couple of Bible quotes, one from Thessalonians that says the Lord will descend with a shout. And one from Matthew that says, he's coming when you don't expect.

And it's not clear how anybody would use that information. It kind of cancels itself, doesn't it? By the way, for the editing nerds in our audience, the titles, the actual written, these aren't AI generated. They're written onto the video later. They are, in fact, all of the

premier text effects in order. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like appearing something. It's in exact order that they're listed in premiere. But then, just when you think it's over, The movie pans out to a TV and we watch, I'm not kidding, podcast listener, Martian Heath will back me up, the exact same thing again on a TV with a Suno AI-generated

song about Jesus over it. So weird, the movie starts watching itself in a month. The whole fucking thing. Yeah, as if it's on VHS, it's ridiculous. Yeah, okay. So why would it be on a VHS camcorder? why would it be on SP as the setting? Also, there's a little counter.

It's like a time counter, but it just counts up to four and then resets. What is happening? So to be clear, somebody's filming an old TV using a VHS camcorder, and that TV, that very old TV, is playing this AI movie as a montage from the future? I think so. I think so.

Okay. And as this is all happening, it's closing out and we're getting a very Christian song, but AI generated, I think, because it sounds like the title is, he's coming, he's coming in the clouds. Yeah. It does have that line. Yeah, it does have that line. Oh, that's the chorus. He's coming in the clouds is the chorus.

It is. Yeah. All right. Well, that's the end of my 10-minute waking nightmare. I'm going to need a few shout. I feel so weird. It's just so like skin-crawlingly creepy. It's got 1.1 million views.

It's been viewed more times than anything I've ever done other than that TikTok where they make me look like I'm a flat earther. Yep. It's tough. All right. Well, I'm sure you guys got more of these in the hopper. Looking forward to. You know I do, baby.

So see you next time on God-awful Minnie's Slopaganda Edition. And that's all the blast for me. We've got for you to know. night, but we're back in 10,022 minutes with more. Can't wait that long. Be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday. Even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful movies, debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Big thanks to Michael Marshall for all the wonderful things he does. Big thanks to Eli Bosnick for all the

adjective things he does. So many are wonderful. And a big, happy birthday. to the man, the myth, the legend, no illusions. Semi-sentennial. And of course, a big thanks to all the generous new donors who will receive carefully curated compliments of consonants in the coming casts. If you're feeling generous like those fine people, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

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