The Scathing Atheist - 678: Epheasy Does It Edition

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

In this week’s episode, Greg Locke’s dark web of  satanist enemies forget to pay his parking tickets, Pope Bobby goes full jestermaxx and clowns hard on the looksmaxxing community, and Don will be here to put the “easy” in “Ephesian.”---To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:Greg Locke claims mug shot and police report about his arrest are fake: https://julieroys.com/despite-police-record-and-mug-shot-greg-locke-denies-march-3-arrest/Indiana Abortion Law Halted for Violating Non-Christians’ Rights: https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/indiana-abortion-law-halted-for-violating-non-christians-rightsThe myth of evangelical persecution gets a new platform in the Washington Post: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/the-myth-of-evangelical-persecutionGeorgia looks to close clergy sex abuse loophole: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/georgia-is-finally-on-the-verge-ofTokyo High Court orders Unification Church to dissolve: https://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2026/03/04/japan/crime-legal/unification-church-ruling/Pope Bobby has thoughts about cosmetic surgery, looksmaxxing, AI, and cyber magic: https://www.allure.com/story/catholic-church-cosmetic-surgery---This Week in Misogyny:Share of female world leaders decreases 4%: https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/press-release/2026/03/only-1-in-7-countries-is-led-by-a-woman-as-global-political-power-remains-dominated-by-menRight wing pastor urges women to model “joyful submission”: https://www.peoplefor.org/rightwingwatch/right-wing-pastor-dale-partridge-instructs-women-his-congregation-model-joyfulRight wing pastor claims abortion keeps aborting all the disease cures: https://www.peoplefor.org/rightwingwatch/right-wing-pastor-randy-caldwell-claims-abortion-aborted-cure-every-disease

Booster juice is going crazy for hazelnuts. No, not crazy. Nuts. Booster juice is going bananas for hazelnuts. I mean, there are bananas and smoothies, but that's not the point. Banana juice is booster for hazelnuts. What? Just stop.

Booster juice is going nuts for hazelnut. Introducing the nutty monkey smoothie, holy hazelnut assay bowl and nutty booster ball. All made with rich, creamy hazelnut spread. Try them today. Only at booster juice. Canadian-born. blending since 1999. The Bell Air Direct app includes crash assist, which detects an accident the moment it happens

and even offers you emergency assistance at the tap of a button. Okay, but what if I don't have an accident? Well, just keep on, keeping on. Bell Air Direct, insurance, simplified. Conditions apply. Warning, the following podcast contains offensive language and profanity. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by that brief glimmer of hope you get when the plurality of voters and Marjorie Taylor Green's

to vote for a Democrat. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, I'm Kyle. I'm a service member currently deployed to an undisclosed location. I can confirm that we did, in fact, evolved from filthy, monkey people. It's Thursday.

It's March 12th. And it's World Day Against Cybercensorship. Damn it. No, no, that one was me. I don't know where our audience would even get a walrus. I'm no illusions. I'm Mila Bosnick. Um, he's, and right.

And from Martha Stewart's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wakeross, Georgia, this is the skating atheist. Oh, this week's episode, Greg Locke's dark web of Satanist enemies for get to pay his parking tickets for him. Pope Bobby goes full jestermax and clowns hard on the looks maxing community. And Don'll be here to put the easy in Ephesians. That doesn't work. But first, the diatribe. So this will mark the first diatribe of,

of my 50s. And I know that turning 50 is supposed to be terrifying and all, but I kind of dig it so far. The 50s is the first decade with any real exclusivity. Plus, given the proclivities of my youth, I feel like by making it to 50, I probably cost a couple of people a few bucks in some pool somewhere. But here I am 50 years old, able to survey a full half century of experience, minus the first couple of years where I wasn't really forming memories. But from what I'm told, I was mostly just shitting myself and screaming hysterically for

that part, so I'm not missing much in those memories. A lot of predictions, it turns out, have been wrong. I was supposed to turn more conservative at some point. I was supposed to get a haircut and a real job. But most of all, of course, I was supposed to turn religious. I was supposed to somehow go back to a church that I never went to in the first place. I was supposed to mellow out, see the wisdom of organized religion, embrace tradition, and find God. But it turns out that the people who find the invisible superhero in the cloud story convincing we're wrong. See, their rationale went something like this. As you move closer to death, you get more and more terrified by your mortality, so you try

to escape it with fairy tales, which, to be fair is not how they would probably phrase it. They would probably have the therefore as something like, you know, you get old, therefore you reflect on your life and need a purpose or direction to make it all feel worthwhile, blah, blah, blah. Of course, regardless of how you phrase it, it falls praise. to the same fallacy. So a lot of people do become more religious as they get older, but those are, generally speaking, religious people, right?

Because if you're already religious, it makes sense that religion would become more important as you get older. You're getting closer to the fucking payoff. So for a lot of people that were like raised religious and then sort of lapsed in terms of church attendance when they were in their carefree 20s and 30s, you know, I guess getting older would serve for them as a trigger to get right with God. plus all that irreligious shit that seems so important to you in your 20s and 30s gives you heartburn and backaches now. So all this churchy shit has less of a downside when you're 50.

And look, in popular culture, we like to reduce the midlife crisis to a man's response to the decreasing aptitude of his penis. Because it's way easier to make jokes about flaccid penises than to make jokes about the realization that one's death is almost certainly closer than one's birth on one's personal timeline. But midlife crises are not gender specific. It's easy to mostly ignore mortality when you're 25 because your eternity is only 25 years long and you probably have two whole eternities left. I mean, death will still haunt you from times to time, right? People do die young. So maybe you have a close shave or a friend about your age dies or you just go through a really morbid episode in your life and you think a lot about your own death. Whatever it is, death intrudes on you at every age.

But when you're young, it's relatively easy to push the snooze button on those thoughts. relative that is to how hard it is to do when you're 50. And for most people, of course, the snooze button is religion. Whether it's something as formalized as some particular type of Christianity or just a vague belief that there's some form of afterlife, when people want to put off thoughts about their own personal use-by date, nothing beats religion. Hell, if it wasn't such a handy place to hide bigotry, I would say that that was religion's entire purpose.

But when you're an atheist, and I don't just mean a nun or an uncommitted agnostic, but a full-blown I thought this shit through and concluded that all the religions are full of shit, atheist, you don't have a snooze button. You know, maybe you can distract yourself here and there. Maybe you can chase away the thoughts with drugs and alcohol or something, but mostly you're just going to have to confront them. And not just when you reach the ripe old age of AARP eligibility, but the whole fucking time. See, for religious people, the death question never has any real resolution.

Even the most devoutly religious person still harbors some doubt about their blessed eternity. You can tell, by the way, they cry at funerals and avoid dying. It's also so wildly improbable that they're right, given everything we know about how the universe works, that it's almost impossible not to keep realizing you're wrong over and over and having to chase that thought away. So as you get closer to dying, you have to work harder and harder to pretend that dying doesn't count. But once you admit that dying does count, there's no additional pressure to admit that harder and harder as you get older. See, it turns out, as crazy as this sounds to some people, that the key to coping with the scary stuff in front of you is opening your eyes.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Lincoln and Midtown to My Holland, Heath, Enright, and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to dig in? Lincoln, the pride of the GOP tunnel. Love it. And I do go places that nobody wants me to go. So this fits. This works for everybody. In our lead story tonight, Greg Locke has suffered attacks from a long and impressive list of enemies in his days. The most obvious, of course, is Satan, the Prince of Darkness, who has attacked Locke a number of times. most recently by inspiring accusations of financial mismanagement and spiritual abuse by former employees, that damn devil. There was also, of course, the coven of witches that infiltrated his church and might have succeeded

in their efforts to turn him to the dark side if God hadn't revealed their names to him through a demon-possessed congregant. There was the would-be assassin that fired rounds into his house in an effort to silence the Christian message did too. That is to what happened? Well, this week, we can add to that list. the Illuminati, who are trying to trick you into thinking he got arrested for driving on a suspended license, apparently, which did not happen no matter what the police reports and

mugshots might tell you. Yeah, it's a classic Illuminati move, just hanging out with the Illuminati being like, guys, yeah, I'm getting bored with controlling all the money and the power in the entire world. You want to do a prank on Gregory Locke? Mount Joliet, Tennessee. Yeah, we'll make it extra. sneaky by prosecuting him for crimes that are entirely his fault.

It's perfect. There you go. Now, to be honest, the whole thing is a bit of a nothing burger of a story up to the point of the vociferous denials, which makes them even weirder, right? So Locke was stopped at a gas station near his ministry, probably for yelling at an employee that if he's not allowed to put that many sugar packets in his coffee, they shouldn't leave that many in the fucking bin, but that's just speculation. These are free.

Yeah. That's the law. Exactly. I'm taking these pennies, too. But when they ran his information, they found that his license had been suspended a while back for failing to provide proof of insurance during some other traffic stop. He was arrested and released on his own recognizance, which, to be clear, is very little recognizance. And according to the cops who booked him, he was in and out of the police department in like six or seven minutes. Like I said, pretty unexceptional story. But then he tried to pretend it never happened. Okay, I know coffee and sugar aren't the same as alcohol,

but if you blow into that thing in your ignition and that device gets diabetes right away, you probably shouldn't be driving. Yeah, well, at least Locke doesn't have a history of outspoken support for cruel punishment for arbitrary crimes of government paperwork. Otherwise, this would be a real doozy. Right, he should be sent to a fucking gul-on.

How's he even pressing the pedals with no feet? It doesn't make sense. It's just, it's dangerous. It's a public safety issue. So the denial came in the form of a Facebook post after the story of his arrest broke in which he said, quote, To everyone jumping on a silly bandwagon, I did not get arrested today or ever. I went down to the booking room voluntarily with my counsel because my license was unknowingly suspended over not sending a proof of insurance after I paid a ticket months ago, end quote. But like, but that is being arrested, right?

That's what that word means when you go to the booking room, they're arresting you there. That's what the booking is. Right, right. You should know. Yeah. It's an expression for arrest him. But also, as exonerating as it isn't, it also doesn't comport with the police account. Right.

So while reports are unavailable at the moment because the case is ongoing, cops told the Tennessean that this all happened after they questioned him at a gas station. So when he says he went down there voluntarily, I think he just means he doesn't. didn't fight the cops when they tried to arrest him. Yeah, here's the thing. I enjoyed the times I got handcuffed, like, way too much. And the cops did not appreciate the noises I made. But it doesn't mean I wasn't arrested because I enjoyed that part.

I'm actually checking out the local ordinances here. And it says here in Tennessee, it doesn't count as an arrest if they don't put you in the spit hood. Oh. So I think that's, he's probably using that. Yeah, I might be. Gallagality. Of course, the arrest that didn't happen has done nothing to dampen the enthusiasm of his supporters who apparently dismiss his claims that he didn't get arrested as readily as we

too. But they think it makes him cooler, right? Like he's the bad boy of charismatic Christian nationalism. And they're pointing out that the apostles, Paul, Peter, and John, were all arrested as well, as was the Savior himself Donald Trump. So, you know, having a mugshot actually puts him in pretty good company. And I'm sure that publicly espousing enthusiastic support for the idea of their spiritual leaders breaking more laws will never bite Christianity in the ass at all. This will be fine. And in Hoosier Sky Daddy News, after doing this job for more than a decade, we've seen every

form of resistance to religious assholery you can imagine. Collectivism, the law, politics, other religious people who are willing to lie about what their holy books say, and of course, the Uno Reverse. The hope that's saying that your religious belief is to get to do the things that other religious people say, their belief says you can't. And for the first time in a decade of doing this podcast, that tactic seems to have worked, as Indiana's near total abortion ban has been halted because, according to a state court, it violates the rights of a certified class whose members don't.

Don't share the Christian religious belief that life begins at conception. Ah, you hate to see it. Eggs coming home to roost. Shoes on the other fetus. Yeah. Right. So first off. Pro choisted by your own pataw.

There you go. Yes. Roll it thrice. Yeah. So a big thanks to the one and only Stormy D for sending us this story. And the excellent pun to Skathing News at gmail.com. When we finally start our anti-religion, religion, no-backseys, Stormy D shall be the patron saint of helpful emails in Stormy-Nipatrice,

scathingus Gmail.com. Yeah, we were going to make you the patron saint of excellent puns, but he threatened to kill himself on the air if we did that. He did. He did. The term he used was full budd wire. Yeah. So this decision comes to us from Judge Christina R.

Kleinman of the Indiana Supreme Court, Marion County, and her argument is exactly the triple stamp, double stamp you love to see. She argues that on one hand, the ban, quote, interferes with class members religious beliefs that a pregnant person's mental or physical health takes precedence over that of a zygote, embryo, or fetus, end quote, which it does. But the judge also pointed out that by carving out exceptions for rape, incest, and the danger to the life of the mother, the ban does not protect the religious belief in the sanctity of fetal life. Or as we might put it, you guys are liars. and the pro-choice people are also liars, but their lies are more consistent, so they win. Okay, I get what you're saying,

but I'd only say that first part. They're liars. So for me, all the meat inside my body is mine, and only mine, and I can kill some or all of it whenever I want. And that's 100% consistent. He can buddwyer anytime. Exactly.

I meant liars about God's meat killing policies, but it's a fair point. It's a fair point. Also, all the, if the rule is all the meat inside one's body is killable? I want to like, like maybe a temporary waiver when having sex with people on that. That's the dice you roll when you put it in heat then. You're going to roll them bones.

So this decision has permanently blocked the laws enforcement and additionally issues a narrow permanent injunction intended to apply only when an abortion is a necessary exercise of religious beliefs and doesn't fall within one of the exceptions, which means this will need to be appealed at the federal level before it can be overturned. And that appeal looks unlikely, given that the judge has framed this as a religious freedom issue and even a Supreme Court as blatantly theocratic as ours, probably would have a hard time declaring this is the religion that counts within that legal context. Yeah, the Supreme Court majority.

There are nothing, if not, sticklers about intellectual honesty. Yeah. Yeah. No, if you want to put some money on that appeal looks unlikely prediction. I'll take it. The interesting gamble, honestly, is what new universe they will have to concoct to pretend they're being consistent here. Exactly.

Yeah, no, the DC writers are looking at them. I'm like, too much, Katz. Too many reboots. Time machine. Yeah, so big ups to this judge. Here's hoping this decision protects the reproductive rights of Hoosiers for quite a bit, while anti-choice assholes figure out how to, I don't know, unsay their own names in the dark dimension to which they've been ban.

And in Democracy Dies in Whiteness News. Oh, well done. The Washington Post is still using Democracy Dies in Darkness as their motto, which is true. But coming from them, it feels a lot like journalistic malpractice. I see. I thought it was aspirational. Yeah, right. Okay.

Just watch. For context, they've been losing money recently, especially with tons of people canceling their subscriptions in protest of, well, Jeff Bezos being a massive piece of shit. But they're hoping they can turn things around with a spicy new opinion section. And speaking of journalistic malpractice, we're going to talk about an essay they published this week. It came from evangelical author Aaron Wren in a piece entitled, Why America Needs Evangelicals on the Supreme Court and more. And by the way, the original title was, evangelicals are missing from the home.

of power, that's a problem. Are they? Yeah, we need more man buns among baristas is next week. They thought the two were... Well, I mean, they're only a little over twice as represented in Congress as in the general populace. They're practically invisible, so I get it. I get it.

Yeah. And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story over at the friendly atheist. Hemet has the option of not checking Eli for all the stuff we had to bleep when Eli was offering prizes to. Hemet. And trust me, Hemet, I've heard behind the bleep. You can go hard and it would be justified. It's true, Hemet. You have been objectified behind that bleep and you are owed recommends. And there's a number at the bottom of the screen right now. Perfect. Perfect. For Hemet to call it. It's just Noah's so. So if the name Aaron Wren sounds familiar, can't quite put your finger on it. That's because he's the

author of Life in the Negative World Confronting Challenges in an anti-Christian culture. Yes, the Aaron Wren, that Aaron Ren. So here's how he starts the essay. Quote, evangelicals are 23% of U.S. adults and one of the most loyal Republican voting blocks, with 81% backing Donald Trump in 2024. Yet, despite six of the nine Supreme Court justices being appointed by Republican president, there are no evangelicals on the Supreme Court, end quote. That's right, podcast listener. His essay literally boils down to it's not enough to have them do our bidding. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, man, if that wasn't the single hall of power, he sure would sound like a fucking idiot, wouldn't he? Although, hey, but hey, kudos for finding a way of phrasing, I don't trust all those damn Catholics that the Wapo figured you could get away with. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds really rough for Aaron Rand and, the evangelicals. The Supreme Court just constantly ruling in favor of atheists and Muslims. That's got to hurt. They're our precious babies. We love them so much. So from there,

Aaron Rann explains that evangelicals are amazing at politics and business. Just look at luminaries like Josh Hawley and Mike Johnson or Tyson Foods. Maybe you've heard of it. Hobby Lobby. Seriously, those are his actual examples of their best and best. brightest. Wow. And then he complains that evangelicals are not represented at prestigious universities, major foundations, big tech companies, leading financial firms, and large media companies. Trivia contests. That gap after someone says, what's the word for blank? Bigotry, I say. Okay. So after he lists that problem, he believes exists. He accidentally adds my favorite part. He writes, quote, one response to this situation might

be, who cares? I was like, yeah. Yep. And hey, big shout out to the Washington Post for letting Heath write one line of that guy's op-ed. That was nice to them. That was a credit. Hey, Heath would never interrupt an enemy while he's in the middle of making the, we're not as smart as most people point. No, this was like, please proceed, governor. Yeah, exactly. I'm just about to make a police proceed joke. Absolutely. Oh, if you get that, your back hurts. And your heart.

I miss Barack so much. So here's the answer to the question of who cares from Wren. The answer is you should care. Should? Yep, you should. He explains how public trust in our institutions has eroded. And that's why Donald Trump had no choice but to erode public Trump. in our institutions with crazy lies about elections and a giant fascist campaign against universities

and, you know, the very concept of truth. And the evangelical community had no choice but to derode trust in our institutions because science and reality are notoriously secularly biased unfairly. Can I say that's true? It is true. Here's the actual argument from Wren. Quote, this erosion of public trust has begun to endanger the... the status of those institutions, as reflected in Trump's campaign against universities.

A stronger evangelical presence in elite institutions could strengthen them while addressing polarization and public mistrust. The lack of evangelicals in the halls of power contributes to anti-institutional public sentiment. It also deprives those institutions of an important pool of talent. Oh, end quote. Also, why don't you try to be the bully's friend? I bet deep down he's lonely. It's worse, right? So, look, given that as soon as you hit the critical mass of like three evangelicals in a university setting, they start demanding the Earth's long-form birth certificate, it reads more like a call to batter the bully's fist with our noses until his hand tires out.

Yeah. So here's the part where I picked up my laptop and almost through it. I was furious. You saw the crooked smoke alarm in your home again? Are you looking at it right now? I'm going to move right past it. Right behind your monitor. After describing evangelical Christians as this untapped pool of amazing talent,

he tries to back that up by saying they're perfect for bridging the gap between elite institutions and the average American. Because evangelicals, 81% of which voted for Donald Trump in 2024, are all about helping out the average American. Are they? Exact words. as a traditionally middle-class movement, evangelicalism has thrived by being in touch with the culture and concerns of middle and working-class America.

Yeah, unless you include how they disagree with the average American on literally every social and political issue. Right, other than that. So it's like, so, okay, so you know how when the ordinary working class Americans, like, I don't know, like join a fascist military and shoot people in the back for helping other innocent people whether they just incapacitated with pepper spray. Like evangelicals are the only ones willing to defend them online.

It's like that. It's patriotic for the middle class. Yep. So, okay, all that being said, I want to be fair to Aaron Wren. That was crazy what I just said. I don't know why I said that. No, I don't. I don't at all want to do that at all.

But, okay, here we go. At the very end of his piece, he almost hears it. He explains that evangelicals, should take some of the blame for not being part of these important institutions of science and tech and higher learning. Here's the closing of the essay. Quote, there are simply two few evangelicals qualified for or even interested in those positions today. Okay, he's definitely correct about the qualified part. Also, he continues, evangelicals need to do better at productively collaborating with people who have different beliefs,

a necessity in a pluralistic country, end quote. So it almost started to get somewhere. Admittedly, it's a wholesale rejection of modernity that's resulted in any one rejection that we could pretend we experience. And that is our back. We need to do medium rejection of all maternity. Yeah. No, it's weird that at no point in his op-ed does he acknowledge that evangelical churches

actively counseled their members not to go to college lest they learn how full of shit their churches had been this whole time. Right? Yeah. So yeah, I'd love to give him a little credit for the end there. But he does not close it out with, I don't know, but seriously, we've got to stop being ignorant idiots who believe in a bigot ghost who created the universe.

That's a must add if you want partial credit for me. So I'm not giving you a partial credit. And just one other important issue here. Aaron Wren looks like Dilbert got really sick. Oh, he does. He does, though. He looks like a wear Mr. Clean and like he's doing a bad job hiding. Right.

We've seen him halfway between. Yeah, right, right. And quick while Aaron explains to someone else that it's not cancer, it's a fashion choice. We're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Okay, well, now it's confusing what I meant. Yeah, now they don't understand. A man wrote the Bible. A horse would you.

If it's a legitimate rate. If you're a slut, right? Cooking can be fine. Hey, I'm glad of a man. This week in massages. If you want an example of a woman starting a war that wasn't an uprising against a colonial power or slave owners or something, I'm pretty sure you have to go back to the first Illyrian war in 229 BCE. And honestly, I think Queen Teuuta gets a bad rap on that one.

The point is that, historically speaking, if you want a more peaceful world, you should put more women in charge. I mean, I can't prove that Kamala Harris wouldn't have gone to war against Iran if Netanyahu had claimed his dick was bigger than hers, but I don't think I need to, except to that minority of non-voters still desperately trying to morally justify the refusal to meaningfully stand in the way of a Trump's dictatorial takeover of the U.S. government. And I don't really feel like I need to justify anything to those assholes. But of course, we don't actually want a more peaceful world, or at least we don't want it bad enough

to elect penis-less leaders. According to the most recent data from the UN, we're actually moving backwards in that regard. Only one in seven UN nations is led by women, which is actually down 4% from last year. Women only account for about 22% of the cabinet post worldwide and about 27.5% of parliamentary seats. Hell, only one in three UN countries has ever been led by a woman.

And I'd argue that the situation in Iran is a direct result of that fact. But of course, that's probably because I'm just not a good Christian woman. As Arizona Pastor Dale Partridge pointed out to his congregation last month, women will never be happy if they're, quote, insubordinate feminist women, end quote. Which is probably true because there will always be people like Arizona Pastor Dale Partridge fucking up our happiness. But I'd much rather be perpetually dissatisfied than okay with getting lower pay, worse medical care, fewer promotions, and less everything.

His solution, however, was to model what he calls, quote, joyful submission. Motherfucker, the only way you're ever going to see me practice a joyful submission is that the feminist Navy tasked me with torpedoing your ass from underwater. Of course, as a person who espouses feminist ideals so often, I suppose I'm obligated to admit it when problems with feminism are pointed out. And that was certainly the case when I came across a clip on right-wing watch of a pastor named Randy Caldwell, pointing out that the only reason we still have disease is, wait for it, abortion. Now, the connection might not seem obvious to lesser minds than ours that aren't tapped into the inner workings of God's intentions, so he explains.

You see, God has already implanted the cure to every disease known to man into the unborn mind of some child to come. But damn it if we don't keep aborting all the ones with that critical knowledge. So it's really our fault we still have AIDS and Parkinson's. Not so much for the people born in the thousands and thousands of years before God put that knowledge in the doomed fetuses brainlit, but modern AIDS patients should have just been more anti-abortion. Of course, he doesn't go into detail on why an all-knowing deity would put life-saving information in the brain of a fetus he already knew was going to be aborted,

but I'm sure he addressed it probably some mysterious way or an other. But with that may I go by out of the way, I suppose I can wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Groomer Rumors News tonight, a lot of people underestimate my home state of Georgia's progressive bona fides, but this is a state with two Democratic senators, for the time being, just for a minute, and a state that voted correctly in 50% of the last two presidential elections and two of the last nine. And I'm proud to say that our statewide liberalism is on display yet again as the state moves to make it illegal for clergy members to sexually assault people under their authority,

which isn't illegal here yet. Hey, hey, Georgia government. Hey, y'all, I know you'd hate to contradict Dr. King, but any chance you can bend that arc of the moral universe a little faster? Just a little bit. I was kind of just assuming sexual assault was always illegal everywhere. A bunch of guys from the

Epstein files throwing their priest collars on the ground, foiled again. Right, right. So, okay, so here's the thing. There are certain professions where one's position of authority is so great that any sexual relationship with somebody they have authority over has to be considered improper.

Like, for example, a psychiatrist and their patient, or a teacher and their student. a podcaster and a mere mortal. If you say so. No, the very fact that one person is wielding so much authority in this relationship makes genuine consent effectively impossible. And any objective view of that list would conclude that clergy member not only belongs on it,

but should lead the fucking list. When you're speaking for God, God better not be saying, I think you should fuck my conduit. And yet, only 14 states and one district have what are called. adult clergy abuse laws that prevent that. Okay, wait, Noah, are you trying to make nun porn illegal? No. Because this is how you make nun porn illegal. Not at all.

No, no, no, I did. Don't put words in my mouth. Well, so, okay, so for what it's worth... It's the name of the nun porn I was... With the ruler. Yeah, I've seen that one. So, okay, so for what it's worth, Georgia is poised to make that 15, meaning that at least on this particular subject,

Georgia will be more progressive than Michigan, New Jersey, New York, or California. which is fucking mind-boggling. Damn right. We love our non-porn here in New Jersey. We're on to you. And Michigan. But the bill was introduced by a Republican and has 23 Republican co-sponsors

and Democrats, for all their flaws, are the party where you don't really have to wonder where they stand on clergy raping people. So it passed the Senate not just easily, but unanimously. And it doesn't look like it's going to encounter much opposition in the House. The only real concern at this point is that the legislative deadline is April 2nd.

So if somebody in the house really did want to kill it, they probably could get away with that without actually having to vote against it. Cool. So, hey, just spitball in here. Maybe don't have bills that turn into pumpkins. That'd be good. Just don't do that. Like, if I don't file my taxes by April 15th, the deadline,

I can't just, like, send them a pumpkin. It's not over. To be fair, this year you can, but you're not supposed to be able to do that. They'd probably just hire the pumpkin. at this point. But yeah, so kudos to Georgia and all, but holy fucking shit, is it incredible that this is something that even needs to still be done? And the fact that clergy aren't already included on these lists, to my mind, is pretty damning evidence that at some point in the past they fought to be excluded from it. They fought for their continued right to groom

children and take advantage of women that they are counseling. And unless this is the start of a nationwide clergy-led campaign to make sure that every state has a law like this one on its books, It's pretty damning evidence that they still are. And in Abe Maria news, many of my sexual fantasies take place on the island nation of Japan. And this week, I'm pleased to announce that one of them came true. No, podcast listener, we might not have found a freezer costume that fits Heath yet. But the high court of Tokyo has ordered the unification church to dissolve. And that pretty damn close.

I told you, I don't care if it fits. It's better if it doesn't fit, if you think about it, right? Either way, really. I stand firm on this, damn it. It's the guy with the purple stuff, the big purple head thing. With the purple stuff. You're ruining this more and more by the moment. I don't believe you.

Right. So, first off, big thanks to Eric for being the first to send us this story to Scathing News at Gmail.com. When we become supreme rulers of the United States, thanks to a clever combination of hoarding scientific calculators and maritime law, you get to dissolve the church of your choice, Eric, scathing news at gmail.com. Are we hoarding the maritime law as well? By the way, Eric, when we say that, we mean that you get to dissolve it with acid.

Like, dissolve the church. You got to let the people get out first, of course, unless you choose Westboro Baptist, obviously. Yeah. So for those of you unaware of the Unification Church, formerly known as the Family Federation for world peace and unification, it's a very popular cult church in Japan that specializes in stealing old people's money and turning them into irredeemable loons.

Yeah, it's a church, got it. Yeah, it's kind of like their maga, except their guy's already dead. They're so bad that in 2022, a guy killed Japan's then prime minister for his cozy relationship with the church, and the result was everyone going, that guy has a point.

We should really look into that church. That's really... Yeah, no, the rebrand has been successful enough that I need to remind people that the Unification Church, that's the Mooneys, right? Because I guess when your cult has become the go-to example of cult,

you really need to fucking rebrand. Yeah. Well, that looking into went badly for unification. According to the Japan Times, quote, it is estimated that over 1,500 people have been victims of the organization's coercive donation tactics with damage fees totaling approximately 20.4

billion yen. And because this isn't America, Japan is actually doing something about it. Again, from the Japan Times. The Tokyo High Court ordered the dissolution of the Unification Church on Wednesday, upholding a decision made last year by a lower court.

The group will lose its status as a religious organization and will be limited to continuing its activities only as a voluntary organization that does not get tax benefits. In the liquidation procedure set under the Religious Corporations Act, a lawyer appointed by the district court is to seize control of the Unification Church's assets and will proceed to compensate those affected by the organization, end quote.

Okay, good stuff. I'm sure the Unification Church is like extra evil with their tactics, but I'm genuinely not clear how every major church isn't doing a pretty decent amount of those exact same crimes that you describe. Well, it genuinely is just a difference in scale. I look pretty deeply into it. They should be charged with third-degree churching or something like that. Because the difference is like they don't ask for 10%.

They ask for 98% or whatever. That's the difference. Yeah. So needless to say, the Unification Church has cried persecution, but nobody's really listening because they suck so hard. So if you're looking for some unambiguously good news, which you may or may not touch yourself to, your preference, this is it. Now, if only they could dissolve that church with a bunch of phallic tentacles, right?

So you did see my email to Heath. And you did see how the costume was fitting. Terribly. Nice. Awful. And finally tonight. Maggie in all the wrong places. In papal conclavicular.

Okay, that's actually really fucking good. It won't be obvious why for a minute, but that's really fucking good. You've got to listen to our show twice. You'll get there. Pope Bobby Southside in his capacity as the direct conduit to the God of the universe for 1.4 billion Catholics. thought it was important to finally weigh in about looks maxing. The Vatican's International Theological Commission

released their official guidelines on the topic of body stuff with a document entitled, Reflecting on Christian Anthropology in light of certain future scenarios for humanity. So, okay, that was... Rolls off the tongue. Yeah, just catchy, catchy. That was nonsense. I'll translate the tacit title.

is we're transphobic. Yeah. Also, looks maxing is gross, which is true. But they're going to hide the bigotry behind vague language about cosmetic surgery and stuff like that. And a big thanks to Stormy D for sending a link to scathing news at gmail.com. And for the subject line, dermatologist news. Nice. The Vatican mentioned the godless excesses of skin care too.

Oh. So according to the highest authority for a religion with a savior whose physical body got magically morphed into infinite crackers and bad wine, here's the problem with body changing stuff. Quote, we cannot ignore the trends that reduce the body to biological material to be enhanced, transformed, and remodeled at will. Especially in the West, advances in cosmetic surgery offer tools. that significantly changed the relationship with one's own corporate reality and therefore with reality and with others. This leads to a widespread cult of the body, which tends towards a frantic search for a perfect figure, which always stays fit, young, and beautiful. In this dynamic, it is no longer necessary to accept one's own body to realize one's own identity. It can be

transformed according to the tastes of the moment. Adding, quote, I actually look spelt for a guy in my age. I do not need to fucking die it. So if we set aside the thinly veiled bigotry, actually, no, no, we're not setting that aside. I was going to say. That was bigotry. We saw that. Also, with that firmly reestablished,

it seems like the Vatican might be warning against something stupid as well. That would be the popular new trend called looks maxing. And if you're not familiar, It's exemplified by the influencer called clavicular that I did the thing about earlier. He's going to get a whole episode of citation needed soon, but I'll give you a little bit of context. This guy claims that he hits himself in the face with a hammer on purpose to make small fractures in his jawline, which then, I guess, heal into a more attractive jawline in his head. I am so jealous of him

forgetting to hit his face with a hammer. And look, can we say, honestly, if the church was just explicitly coming out against clavicular, we would not be reporting on it, okay? Child rape cabal or no, I will not be on the same side as clavicle. I stand firm.

So, yeah, the trend toward a ridiculous idea of beauty is a bad thing. Sure. But as you might expect, on the rare occasion when the Catholic Church lands on a good answer, they just got lucky. The reasoning was extremely stupid.

According to the document, these transformations of the body influenced the relationship with the mystery, and that's capitalized, mystery is capitalized, I don't know, with the mystery of the origin and the ultimate end of human life. When human beings reduce created nature,

person, cosmos, to matter to be transformed, they no longer manifest the glory of the creator, also capitalized, but replace him. Oh, cool. Yeah, no, their foreskin obsessed. God hates it when you alter your body. He really does. The document also made sure to make a decree that blessings and exorcisms over Zoom don't count. So, solid, solid addendum makes sense. No, they don't. Honestly, I can empathize with that, being on Zoom with the demon, and you're like, by the

power of, sorry, you go. No, no, you go. I think we have a lag. So the AI summary says my mother's socks, cooks in hell. I don't know what that means. Hey, demon here. Craig, is my audio good? Are my level good?

Craig, if you don't mute yourself, I'm going to kill you with my bar. No, not you, Craig. Wait, wait, wait, don't hit me. Fuck. Why is your dog in the room? So, bottom line, international theological commission of the Vatican your bigots. Maybe I can stop. But also, to whatever extent you wanted to roast clavicular,

we're very good with it. I agree with the Catholic Church about something. And clavicular made that possible. Oh, there you go. To him, I guess. All right. Well, now I need to prove to Eli that the facehammer thing is definitely wrong before he tries it. So we're going to wrap the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. Too, Monty.

And when we come back, we'll get a pistillary once again. I mean, I assume they like it for the same reason. Dude's like lesbian porn. Okay, honestly, that's never really been my thing. Really? Yeah, I don't understand why anyone want to watch themselves be incredibly unnecessary. Ah, like watching a podcast on YouTube. Exactly.

Hey, guys, you ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Oh, hey, Don, what did you get here? Oh, Eli put a bonged shape like Homer Simpson in. into a summoning circle. Yeah, that makes sense. So where were we?

Ephesians. Nice. And did Paul actually write this one, or are we dealing with another phony? It's a tricky question. Okay, so most modern scholars believe that this was written by someone in Paul's circle, I guess a way to back clean up on some of his less clear, rantier things that he said. But there was a lot of early scholarship to try to prove that Paul did, in fact, write Ephesians. to the extent that some authors got downright Bosnickian about it.

Oh, you mean they made stuff up? Yep, they sure did. Okay, that's not my verb. My verb is for a different thing. Not a verb. Anyway, where did we land? Well, so for the purposes of Bible Peace Theater, I feel like we just pretend that he did write it

because he supposedly wrote it from jail and we just used the change of scenery. Fair enough. Hey, poor, someone is here to see you. Hey, excellent. Any word on getting me into general population? Not really a thing during this time in history. Oh. Because I have this thorn from the devil? All right, all right. He's all yours.

Have you seen Oz? That show was problematic for a lot of reasons. Oh, was it? I didn't really watch. Oh, J.K. Simmons is fantastic. Oh, yeah, I bet. I bet. So did you want to write a letter or something? Yes, I did. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah, go ahead. Dearest Ephesians,

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who had blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ. In Christ, got it. Oh, sorry, I was actually not quite done with that sentence. Oh, okay. Sorry, yeah, go on. Okay. According as He hath chosen us in Him, before the foundation of the world that we should be in holy and without blame before him in love, having predestined unto us the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself,

according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. Okay, okay. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of his sins, according to the britches of his grace, wherein he hath abounded towards us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known unto us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure, which he has her best in himself,

that in the dispensation of the fullness of times, he might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth, even in him in whom we also have obtained in herod. You already in whom? Being predestined, according to the purpose. of him who worketh all things around the council of his own will, that we should be the praise of his glory, who first trusted in Christ, in whom ye also trust.

It's three whom's deep now. Ye were sealed within that Holy Spirit of promise, which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession unto the praise of his glory. Of his glory. Okay, got it. Wherefore? Come on. What are you, Winnie the Pooh? I also, after I heard of your faith in Lord Jesus Christ and love unto all the saints,

and what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us who believe, according to the workings of his mighty power? Not making the bait. Which he wrought in Christ when he raised him from the dead, the body, the fullness of him that filleth all in all. How is that? A 200-word compound sentence. so very convoluted that medieval monks

are going to spend their lives diagramming it. Oh, really? So, so bad? Yeah, man, bad. Bings. Okay, you ready for your second sentence of that letter? Okay, yeah, and it's going to be shorter this time, so don't worry about it.

Yeah, great. Glad to hear it. Wait, who's this? Oh, I'm the guard. I'm just sort of here to lend a sort of outside. perspective. Oh, really? John came all this way.

You have to give them lines. Fine, fine. Okay, so when you were not saved, you were dead, for you worshipped the Prince of Air. Wait, who's the Prince of Air? Oh, that's Satan. Do what? Yeah, no, the Bible is very clear

that Satan controls all the storms. I do? Yeah, so he's the Prince of the Air. Fuck, yeah, I am. Okay, Satan get out of the Bible. I'm doing a thing. I'm trying to write. I'm going.

I'm going. Sorry about that. Anyway, Satan. Sorry, sorry, I was just checking. Anyways, now that you're all saved, all you have to do is believe in Jesus. So we're sticking with the being a good person doesn't matter thing?

Yeah, yeah. I'm worried that if people were saved by works, then they would get braggie. Braggie about doing good things? Yeah, exactly. Well, isn't it better? to do good things and brag about it, than not to have done good things?

Exactly. Strangely, no. Well, that is strange. But what about the Ten Commandments? Oh, Jesus destroyed them with his flesh. With his flesh? Yeah, you know, like with the sacrifice of his flesh? Why?

What were you picturing? And it's Jesus from the top rope onto the Ten Commandments. I've never seen anything like this. I was picturing that. What you just said. Got it. Anyways, as I said in my last letter. Wait, what last letter?

It doesn't exist. Or it doesn't. It was lost its time. But like most people agree that this author just, like you just stuck that in there in the hopes that that would lend credibility to the book. Oh, like when I tell Heath to Google something, I just made up. Exactly, yeah.

And yet you're confused by the use of Bosnickian, really? You don't have to verse. a thing just because it happens. It's an adjective, but I do admit it's rather Heathian of me, I suppose. It's quite tall of you? A two, Don, really? Hey, I didn't have any lines.

Anyways, as I was saying, as I write this to you from prison, where I am imprisoned, in a jail, I just want to remind you all that we are united in Christ, Jews, and Gentiles. Wait a minute. So Jews go to heaven too. Huh? No, sorry.

Jews who believe in Jesus and Gentiles. Got it. Therefore, I, prisoner of the Lord. Oh, well, now that just sounds like God is keeping you, prisoner. Don't interrupt. Do beseech you to be kind to each other and love one another. Oh, well, that's actually kind. Wait for it.

You know, this reminds me of when Jesus went to hell. And there it is. Wait, what? Okay, so to be fair, the common interpretation of that passage is just that Jesus died and went into the ground. But the Catholics think it means that he like literally went to hell and saw sinners and then rose up to heaven. Okay, do they say what they think he did while he was in hell? Not really, no. Okay, because it seems like that might be a little awkward.

Behold, my children, I have arrived. Oh, my God, Jesus. Thank God you're here. Um, sorry, do I know you? Oh, um, Barnacus, I went to that one speech of yours and I got eaten by a tiger. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. I heard about that.

Oh, so, like, the one's speech didn't convince you nearly enough, huh? Oh, um, well, yeah, no, no. But I was really close. I was. Honestly, I was going to come back next week. Uh-huh, yeah, I see. Well, um... So, are you here to have?

Help me? Well, no. I was just kind of, you know, having a look around, see it. Oh, cool. All right. Well, me and the other guys. Oh, wait. There are other people here?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe like a dozen. There's that lady who wouldn't let you touch her sheep. Do you remember her? Oh, I do. Ooh, I'm glad she's here.

Yeah. Also, there's an olive tree. Anyway, how long are we, like, here for? Oh, yeah. Yeah, about that. Like forever. Forever? Well, I know, but like, hey, if it makes you feel any better,

now that I've been alive and died, literally billions of other people are going to join you. So, you know, you were here before it was cool. Are you sure? It sucks down here. He doesn't, though? Someone told the devil he's the Prince of Storms or something like that, so he's just been shooting lightning,

Stop. You guys see that one? Yeah, good one, buddy. Good one. Ooh, right in the olive tree. Yeah, that's where he tends to aim. Okay, well, I'm going to head out now. Gotta go to heaven, appoints some saints, you know, the regular use.

Oh, nice. Evan, I'm, you need any help with that? No, no, I got it. Thanks, though. No, I know you do because I believe in you, for sure. Oh, it's, oh, it's too late. I'm so sorry. Figured. Worth a shot.

I mean, yeah, no, sure. Totally worth a shot, right. Oh, shit. I forgot I called the doodily-do. Where's the button? Can I push the button? No, Don, you can't push the button. Pretty Donian to want to push the button, right? That's a... Stretch.

Whatever. Yeah, it was. All right, let's see. What other advice do I have? Don't lie. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Oh, is that like, don't go to bed angry? Yeah, I never understood that one. I think the hope is you'll, like, work it out rather than letting things build up.

Oh, okay. But, you know, can I be honest, I've never really loved that whole idea. Like, sometimes you need some time to cool down. I think telling people you gotta work out every problem before the sun sets, like a fucking vampire movie, it's probably forcing a lot of fights that would have been conversations

if they just waited until their heads were there on. Satan, what are you doing here? Oh, he's about to mention me. It's true, I am. Don't give him a place to live. Yeah, because I'm the prince. storms is why. Okay. You got the three beat.

You're happy? Yeah, well, yeah. I don't want to be Elhian about it. I can't be two adjectives. That doesn't make sense. Let's see. Don't lie. I said that one. Don't cheat. Don't steal. God hates rebellious

children. Really? Children? Yeah. Yeah. I'm probably speaking metaphorically, but also, God doesn't like it when you're in public and there's like a kid talking to his mom all mean. and you think to yourself like, I probably shouldn't judge anybody else

about like their parenting. But then you're like, yeah, but I would never talk to my mom like that. And when you tell people that, they assume that you mean like you get hit or something. But I think that's probably true for some people, but I like I like my mom. You know, that's my mom. Sure. Yeah.

Also, don't get drunk, but be filled with the spirit. Huh? Oh, yeah, like a pun. Right? It's one of the puns in the Bible. In the Bible, yeah. We're having fun. Okay. So women should submit to their husbands.

There it is. But only because men should love their wives the way Christ love the church like his own body. Christ loved the church like his own body. Yeah, you know, without blemish or wrinkle. Feels like you lost track of the metaphor a little bit. That's how I was thinking. Yeah. Well, okay.

How about this? slaves should obey their masters for the same reason. Yikes. Wait, wait a minute, sorry. Slaves? Yeah, servants be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh with fear and trembling in singleness of your heart as unto Christ. Okay, servants is better, I guess.

No, no, no, I checked every other use in the places in the Bible. It definitely means slave. Fuck. What? No, what's wrong with the slave thing? I just think having a passage in the book, says slaves should obey their masters, it's going to be kind of a permanent gotcha. You know, like, we'll never really be able to say stuff like, oh, it's a book of morals,

or it's a guide for good behavior, because there's a part where we say that slaves should obey their masters. Well, would it help if in the late 20th century, the popular apologetic for this passage was that America did slavery wrong, and that's why we think slavery. Slavery is bad. It would not. That does not help, no. Well, beans.

Okay. Hey, hey, remember this one? Put on the sandals of the gospel. The thing you ended the last book with? Mm-hmm, yep. Sure, nailed it. And with a terrifying realization that fake Paul is just repeating himself now, and there are still 16 epistles left,

we're going to wrap things up and pick the story up again on the next installment of Bible Peace Theater. Before we get rambling this week, I want to remind you that there's less than a month left before our Good Friday live game record in San Francisco. That's April 3rd. A few tickets are still available just to go to Godawful MoviesLive.com or check the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be in a lookup for a brand-new episode of our Citruso's hot friend Godafo Movies today being on Sunday and an even new episode and a half-situr-siton-Ustiton-N-Wat. Obviously, this podcast would neither pod nor cast without the resolute dedication of Heath Enright, the dedicated resolution of Eli Bosnick,

the resolute resolution of lucind illusions, and the dedicated defecation of Don Ford. I need to thank Kyle for providing this week's Farsworth quote, and hey, dude, I am really sorry that we were unable to give you a sane commander-in-chief. Jesus, stay safe, man. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people.

Jason, Arthur, Julie, Dan, Crazy Raccoon, Lady, Nick, Sawyer, Cindy, Angie, Jim, Frop Paul, Jen, David, Dave, all darn, Davey, Andrew, other Andrew, Philip, Brian, Christian, and Susan. Jason, Arthur, Julie, Dan, Raccoon, Lady, Nick and Sawyer, who are sharp enough to split Adams, be careful.

Cindy, Angie, Jim, Paul, Jen, David, and Dave who are hot enough to melt asbestos, and Davey, Andrew, other Andrew, Philip, Brian, Christian, and Susan, who even Wright said Fred admits he's not too sexy for. Together, these 21 absolute jackpots of humanity, heeded the call to support our heathenry this week

by giving us money. Not everybody can heed like them, but if you're the heating type, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com as Scathing Atheist, whereby you want to really access to an extended adept every version of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathinga.com. And if you'd like to help but you're saving all your money for a half gallon of gas, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in the episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scalingadias. Ateast. A stronger evangelical presence in elite institutions could Strengths? No. Do you want to just dub in my outfit? You want to tag me in for Strengthen? I got this. Don't mess up. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-24945 or on their website at creator accountabilitynetwork.org.

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