The Scathing Atheist - 680: Downchuck Edition

Episode Date: March 26, 2026

In this week’s episode, Pete Hegseth puts the A hole in “a holy war,” a top-level FEMA official makes up a lie about being the worst X-Man ever, and we’ll make sure our obituary skills are warmed up for when the big one happens.---To see us live in San Francisco, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-san-francisco-california-tickets-1976632374642To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:Mikey Weinstein’s full of shit, but Hegseth is still being WAY too Christian about killing Muslims: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/20/us/politics/hegseth-christianity-military.htmlChristian Right congresswoman wants you to put your abortion in a potty colander: https://www.wonkette.com/p/very-sane-congresswoman-wants-youRussel Brand baptized a guy in the penguin pool at a Christian zoo: https://www.thetimes.com/uk/religion/article/russell-brand-baptism-penguin-enclosure-zoo-kvnd9pmb5Top FEMA official says he once teleported to a Waffle House: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/20/fema-gregg-phillips-waffle-house

The Bell Air Direct app includes crash assist, which detects an accident the moment it happens, and even offers you emergency assistance at the tap of a button. Okay, but what if I don't have an accident? Well, just keep on, keeping on. Bell Air Direct. Insurance, simplified. Conditions apply. Warning, before the sentence is even over, all have said fuck. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by the new gasoline alternative for creationists that don't believe in fossils,

facile fuels. Fasol fuels. Because acknowledging any real thing fucks your world view so you might as well stay put. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, I'm Will, and as an aerospace engineer who test some of the most advanced jet engines with people who believe the world is 5,000 years old, and the dinosaurs are actually the dragons from the Bible. I can confirm we did indeed evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 26th, and it's national, make up your own holiday. Day. Okay, day of the

Lamb. Damn it. Maybe next year. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright. And from Kellyanne Conway's, New Jersey. Ooh, Ann over Michigan and Wakeross, Georgia.

This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Pete Hagezeth puts the A-hole in a holy war. A top-level FEMA official makes up a lie about being the worst X-Man ever. Waffle House, man. And we'll make sure our obituary skills. or warmed up for when the big one happens. But first, the diatribe. When I first thought about doing these diatrives,

it was because pretty much every week, at least one thing would happen in my life that would make me want to yell about it for five minutes. All right, sorry, dozens of things like that would happen every week, but at least once a week, one of them would be about religion. Now, to be honest, those experiences are just far less common in my life now. My job allows me to stay home most of the time, and with the exception of an inbox full of rabid trolls,

all the people I interact with at work are atheists. And pretty much all the people I know are at least well aware that I'm an atheist and mostly they avoid talking about religion around me either because they're polite or because I'm better at it than them. So it's far less often that life triggers a random diatribe for me, like in the wild.

But sometimes life still just drops one right in my lap as it did on Monday morning. So I'm in the hospital waiting room waiting to get some blood drawn for a cardiologist appointment, nothing to worry about routine checkup stuff. I'm fine. And apparently Monday morning is the exact wrong time to do that shit because the place is packed.

The waiting room at the heart center is standing room only and sharing the room with me that morning was a young man who's maybe in his mid-20s who was developmentally disabled, gregarious, and evangelical. And at first, it was enough to melt my atheist heart. He's striking up conversations with random, in the waiting room by asking them to pray for his dad who's having heart surgery that day. Right? Oh, no, I know. I know. That's how I reacted as well. Look, he didn't ask me,

but if he had, I'd probably have said yes. I may even bowed my head and gone, mumble, mumble, mumble, amen. I mean, maybe there's a better or more atheist way to handle it, but I'm not going to challenge a mentally disabled person's religious convictions while his dad's under the knife. So when I first saw that, I just felt sympathy for him. But given that he had no trouble finding fellow evangelists in a South Georgia hospital waiting room. He elected to have a very loud conversation with several people littered throughout the cramped little area about how great Jesus is and how sad it is that some people don't believe in Jesus and have him in their lives.

And at that point, it became annoying. But that's all it was, just annoying. Try to look at it like I'd look at a precocious seven-year-old loudly opining on his favorite Pokemon. But then he started talking about Charlie Kirk. And look, I'm just, I'm learning what a shitty person, somebody around him is, his parents or his cousin or whatever. But he brings up Charlie Kirk and one of the old ladies who's been roped into this conversation with him doesn't know who that is. So he has to explain.

And the lady is African American. So luckily he doesn't go into a lot of details. He does at one point, though, kind of graphically reenact what Charlie looked like when he got shot, which was low-key, hilarious. But it certainly moved outside of the realm of just precocious at that point. still sat there with my eyes on my phone reminding myself that he doesn't really have the capacity to understand what is and isn't an appropriate conversation to have in public even as the conversation turns to how angry he is that some people won't talk to him about God and how terrible people who don't believe in his God are now eventually his mom gets done with whatever she was doing she rejoins him and shocked as I was does not remind him that in a room of 40 random people there are almost certainly non-Christians yes even in my deep south town and that it's very impolite to talk about how gross they are in public. And it should be noted, by the way, that he wasn't just having this fucking conversation with the ceiling tiles or anything.

There were three other people seated throughout this waiting area, yes, anding the shit out of his bigotry. They're just in love with their sin. They're afraid of what they see in the mirror. They're just not ready to face the Lord. Those are all direct quotes from the conversation and none of them came from him. Those are just the kind of oblivious fuck yous that Christian people can freely toss out when they're in a confident majority. So eventually he and his mom get called back.

But the conversation continues in his absence. For the rest of the time I'm sitting there, which is another five or six fucking minutes, all these newfound friends united in a common bigotry continue to talk about how sad it must be to be me. Y'all, I feel like my fucking blood samples should have an asterisk next to them. I don't want my cardiologist to think I'm just walking around with that much cortisol in my shit all the time. Fuck, luckily, they weren't checking my blood pressure on this one or I'd have wound up admitted. But of course, it was one of those situations where I was mad as hell, but I wasn't mad at anyone

in particular. I mean, yes, the ladies who were disparaging atheists in the waiting room knew better. I could have been mad at them if I wanted to. but one of them was a septogenarian taking her blind, deaf, 95-year-old father to his heart appointment. Another was in a wheelchair supporting supplemental oxygen. I mean, as you hear me recount this story, there might be a part of you that's wishing that I would interject with some kind of clever tirade in that moment and knock them down a peg. But there's just nobody at the waiting room at the Satilla Memorial Heart Center on a Monday morning who you want to knock down any pegs. So what I did was sit in a room

listening to people talk about what a piece of shit I was and I reminded myself how nice it is that I at least get to yell about it to you later. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the prize fighter and compensated anarchist of my bomb squad tech.

Heath had right and Eli Bosnick Phyllis. Are you ready to show some class? Glurp, glurp, motherfucker. What? I honestly can't tell if that's a reference that I don't get or if Eli, if you just descended 2% further into madness, I guess not clear. And with the sad realization that it's both, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, the Council for an Ad Free Future.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, a couple of weeks ago, we talked about the very dubious claims from the Military Religious Freedom Foundation founders Mikey Weinstein about how 110 different people from 40 different units on 30 different bases told him and only him that their commanders were telling them Trump was anointed by Christ and the war in Iran was going to trigger his return. Okay, just the numbers feel like they're all multiples of 10? All the numbers. He had a lot of more thans in there.

But literally no other source has heard anything about this, including other atheists watchdog groups. And Weinstein refuses to show reporters from other outlets any of the 110 emails he got, even redact it. Okay. Even if they agree not to publish them or talk about them. So there are plenty of reasons to doubt that claim and no reasons to believe it. Hey, don't worry, Mikey. I also have been the only person with evidence that a thing I said on the internet was true.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Yeah, a lot of times I've been like, oh, you have evidence? You can I see it? You can redact it. No, still no. All right. Shoot up, Hammett. Now, that being said, Pete Hegzeth is a Christian nationalist with calls to crusade tattooed on his fucking body.

Right there. So it's not like he doesn't actually think this shit, which we're reminded of virtually every time he opens his goddamn mouth in an official capacity. Even when he opens it to vomit. Sometimes he holds it and he's like, yeah, do a crusade. We're doing a crusade. Yeah, no, exactly, exactly. So let me just walk you through a couple of disturbing comments. He's recently made about his campaign of holy retribution against the infidels.

Like, for example, when he turned the disturbingly ubiquitous call to pray for our troops that ends wartime press briefings into an altar call asking people for prayers, quote, every day on bended knee with your family and your schools and your churches in the name of Jesus Christ, end quote. Which doesn't even hit that bullshit line of secularity. that forgives in God we trust. Okay. Did we just forget to pray about Vietnam, Afghanistan? Probably, yeah. Or maybe Jesus isn't always a big fan of the U.S.?

I guess that's possible. I mean, look, he is a Middle Eastern guy. Yeah, he's Asian. At this point. But in case we weren't clear on which divine deity is keeping our casualties so low, he reminded viewers on 60 Minutes that, quote, the providence of our almighty God is they're protecting those troops, end quote. unmistakably implying that their God doesn't really have the spoons.

He also claimed in the past that, quote, there's a direct through line from the Old and New Testament Christian Gospels to the development of Western civilization in the United States of America, end quote. Which is pretty fucking rich, because there's not even really a through line between the Old and New Testament. No, there's not. Temple of Israel, kill my kid. then like a couple thousand years later gold conspiracy theorists

are going to genocide their way to the perfect example of the failure of capitalism it's all one big story no it is it is if you think about it that through line was yada yada yada for two thousand years yeah right and so on and so on

and then me yeah I get it Pete I too have thought all of culture and history has led up to my existence that's the title of Eli's memoirs yada yada yada yada Me. And look, I get that the Trump administration's whole thing is failing to pay heed to the typical conventions of diversity, right? I get that we're not going to get inclusivity from Pete fucking Hagsith. But when we're in the middle of bombing a Muslim country with no plausible justification for the war, maybe we be as uncrucadie as possible about it. That would be nice. I would appreciate that. But no, apparently the best we can hope for with Pete,

let me show you how to kill a man with a comb hegsith is that he doesn't arrive at a podium wearing Templar armor. Yeah, I mean, he's already got the tattoos, so it'd be redundant at that point. Are you sure those naked kids in the Children's Crusade didn't part the Mediterranean? I heard that was a thing. Because water bending could really help right now,

straight to her moves-wise. Yeah, right. But not legend to Cora. I'm a racist. And honestly, Look, the main reason I want to bring this up is to emphasize what a terrible disservice that Weinstein did by throwing out a demonstrably bullshit claim to this effect at the beginning of the conflict. He has armed Christian nationalists with a ready-made refutation that they're already overapplying to shit that Hanks Seth and Trump have said on the record. It's just another great reminder of why it's so dangerous to throw out plausible bullshit to support your sign and so dangerous to share information from an unreliable source.

Okay, if this is your way of firing me, you have to tell me. You can't do it on air. Well, that is why I already had this all written in these words. Okay, yeah. No, it's a nice, easy slots in, I get it. And in Western Civ News, that's S-I-E-V-E-E-E. It's actually quite clever. You can't tell, but it's very clever.

If you're a patron who get in the script, that's a bone moment. Wait for it. So, you know, when you make a pot of French press coffee and when you clean up, you should really be pouring the used grounds over a sieve so you don't fuck up the garbage disposal or the plumbing. Well, according to a Christian right, Congresswoman, it's the same with abortion and miscarriage. Is it? Huh.

Yeah. GOP representative Mary Miller of Illinois wants every abortion and miscarriage to happen over a calendar so it doesn't fuck up the plumbing. That's real. That's really the story. This is a real thing. I mean, she can want whatever she wants. Yeah, I'm still putting my abortions.

the garbage disposal. I don't know what to tell her. Tucker. Yeah. So it might sound like this is yet another anti-choice school who wants to restrict bodily autonomy in the name of a hippie rabbi from 2000 years ago who never mentioned anything about any of this. That's something like that. But no, it's not. No, he didn't mention those medical procedures.

No, it's not. It's neither here nor there. You're being too cynical. It's about the environment. Oh. Mary Miller cares about clean quater. And that's why she introduced a new bill last week called the Clean Water for All Life Act. Because, you know, horrors women all over the country

constantly polluting our ecosystem with tiny little dead babies as they are wont to do. Little dead babies, sure, is a big problem. The new environmental law has three main components. One, it would ban all telemedicine for prescribing medication like if a pristone. for the environment. Correct.

For the environment. Two, it would require a doctor to be physically present during the process of the medically induced abortion. To be clear about the logistics of that, which they clearly have not thought through, that's a doctor just hanging out for several days and following patients into the bathroom theoretically. Or just, I don't know, maybe watching or take the pill and then check it to make sure she didn't hide it in her cheeks, I guess.

You got to put it in peanut butter. And component three, it would require a calendar. Or in the words of the bill, a catch kit. For the environment. Okay. So there is no way to say fine mesh fetus sieve without making it sound weird. But I would be hard pressed to find a worse term than catch kit. I'm a fish fetish sale.

Yeah, it doesn't really matter how you say it. Sounds crazy. So you're probably wondering, are you fucking serious? I was wondering. And yes, sadly, yes. The bill would require every patient to catch their abortion or miscarriage and that Eli's doing a catch motion, but it's good that I guess maybe in this case that there's a tool for it. And then bring it to a medical facility for proper disposal.

Robin Pinocchio covered the story at Wanket and found an example of the catch kit on Amazon and provided a photo in the article. And seriously, it's literally a colander that attaches to a toilet seat. And it comes with accessories, including a bag with a decorative heart on the side. Yep. A little paper bag there. Okay. So to be clear, for those of you who aren't aware, these kits are for crazy people to wrap their. curdled period blood in a funeral bag so they can have a fucking hamster funeral for it.

And the only thing more insane than its existence is making someone use it. It comes with a little plastic dairy queen spoon. I'm so confused by the school. For getting the little arm which gets stuck in the hole. It doesn't make sense. You don't want to have to because if you use your fingers, you're going to squish it through the hole. Right. You need a spork.

and I found the spoon to be weird. She's great in your baby. You know what I'm saying? I have so many questions. Honestly, they should do a cheesecloth, a labna. Yeah. Technique, if you will. Okay.

That makes more sense. So, according to a press release from Mary Miller's office, quote, the murder for profit abortion industry. Tall Tyler's in the background, mumbling, environment, really loud under a throat clear. The murder for. Aborrent Abortion Industry is the beginning of my sentence about my environmental law, has completely ignored the dangerous and unethical disposal of pre-born baby remains and toxic

chemical waste produced by abortion pills, end quote. And I say this without bias. I'm concerned about the environment. And during a press conference last week, Mary Miller added that medically induced abortion is polluting our water. But here's the crucial detail. on that. No, it's not. No, it's not. She's lying. She's a liar. There's evidence that trace amounts of certain medications make it through our public water filtration systems, but Miphypristone and

misoprostol are not. They break down quickly inside the body. Also, the trace amounts of other drugs that do show up are Tracy as fuck. And, okay, I just used a science term most people haven't heard before. So here's a more detailed description of Tracy as fuck from Environmental chemist, Sebastian Sauvei, at the University of Montreal. Sovong. Quote, if you were to drink two liters of water a day for 70 years, at the end of those 70 years, you would have taken 1% of the normal daily dose of someone taking that prescribed medication. So you're welcome for the free Zoloft, everybody.

Well, there's actually an implied asterisk for the water filtered out of your piss, Eli. He was like, with Eli's piss water, you get it in the first 90 days. Also, by the way, Sebastian Suave sounds like a cartoon lethario. There's no way that's a real name. Does he know you can't know you can change your name? Sebastian Suave. He's going to find that casually out on his 90th birthday. He's going to be like, fucking what?

No. Sovay means saved in French. So he's like from a religious background, but he's giving you the real details here. Also worth noting, the bill. would allow for exceptions in which the abortion was deemed medically necessary. That might sound good for a second, but it's clearly just a way to make the terrible bill more palatable, more likely to pass theoretically. And also, it gives away the game.

If this was about the environment, they wouldn't have that exception. Or, and I guess this is possible, or Mary Miller thinks the water can sense it when there's a sinister motivation at play. or in the sarcastic words of Robin Pinocchio in that article, the water can totally tell whether you didn't want to have a baby or if you wanted a baby and it didn't work out. Sort of like when Masaru Imoto proved that water has feelings by yelling at one thing of water and praising another

and then freezing them both to see which produced the prettiest ice crystals. Okay, Heath, if you're proposing we do this with abortions to see if the fetus is smiling or frowning, I am. Sorry, and when I said real thing, I mean, it's a guy who really did that. It doesn't really work. So.

Oh, it works. Yeah. Fuck all of that. But the bill's not going to be passing in Illinois. That being said, it clearly represents a ridiculous new angle that anti-choice theorists are probably going to be using in other states too. And here's the thing. If you're thinking about some sort of prank involving a tiny little,

flying spaghetti monster. And I am. Collander showing up at the office of a Christian theocrat. That would be crass and possibly illegal. I'm not sure. And whether or not that would be super duper funny to me is neither here nor there. I would not be allowed to give out heath points for that officially. And in Antarctica cult news,

one of the great benefits of hard job is the ability to re-adjudicate old arguments with a headline introduction. For example, almost a time. decade ago. When I was handing out atheism pamphlets on the streets of New York with a colander on my head. Sorry ladies. He's taken. Relax. Get your own catch-case. Exactly.

Yes, that's mine. I handed one of the pamphlets to a guy a little bit older than me. He looked at my pamphlet. He thanked me and then he said, I just think atheism's a little silly walked away. And I will admit to you, podcast listener, then his answer stuck with me.

Yeah, it's hard to argue with that. You've got a colander on your head, I guess. Okay, that was part of it. But it wasn't because he was dismissive or mean. During that brief period, I met literally dozens of normal-looking people who announced their state of full psychosis when I did to them what their religion had been doing to others for about 2,000 years. No, it was that I have no idea to this day what he thinks is silly. Is it our refusal to see that a man with a boat saved all the animals from the biblical flood are refusal. of the rewritten, retyped, and heavily edited gospels?

Is it bald heads and a goate? In which case he's fucking got us. Well, if you were listening today, I would have a proper repost for him, podcast listener, and that repost is, soon-to-be-convicted rapist Russell Brand, baptized a guy in a penguin pool at a Christian zoo. Okay.

Oh, atheism is silly, sir? Cool. I raise. I will see you're silly, and I'll raise you silly and incredibly tragic somehow. all at the same time. And by the way, I say that as a guy who sells rubber thumbs and I have a colander on my head right now.

Yeah. So, okay, I have to point this out. For anybody who's listening to this that hasn't been to a penguin pool or hasn't spent much time around penguins, they are in a constant state of shitting. Yeah. Penguins shit like it's part of their respiratory process. I just want to keep that in the forefront of your mind as we talk about being baptized in the penguin pool. truly. All right. The blast radius is like eight meters or something insane. It might not be quite

that, but it's crazy. I looked it up once. They're house painters but with their own shit. And they spin. Yeah. It's like a big spinny eight meter blasts. It's like a breakdancing situation. It's sprinkler. Put a little cardboard down, blast some music. All right. So first off, big thanks to the prospector. The one and only Stormy D for sending us this story and the fantastic pun to scathing news at gmail.com. If I were baptized and

of the church of Stormy D. I do so into the loving embrace of your helpful information story. Scathing News at gmail.com. Okay, but let's get, let's keep the penguins going in our version of that. I like the penguin part.

They're all, they fancy. No, they're constantly, constantly shitting. If there was a penguin in this room, he'd a shit three times during this story. Okay, if this is your way of firing me, you have to tell me. I can't do this on it.

Just don't spin so much. No. Why do you spin? Because the music movement. Right. So, in case you. you're unfamiliar with how weird the guy from forgetting Sarah Marshall has gotten. Let me catch you up.

Oh, God. I love that movie. I forgot. He's fucking in it. Good movie, bad dude. So, yeah, Brand is due to stand trial next year after pleading not guilty to two charges of rape, two charges of sexual assault, and one charge of indecent assault at Southwork Crown Court in May.

Brand has four accusers, but they all probably got together in a conspiracy to take down the internet's ninth most irritating YouTuber. Yeah. To be clear, that, like, isn't all the accusations, right? Those are just all the ones that he's currently charged with. Yeah, exactly. But if there's one solid takeaway from our podcasting career, it's that when someone fails at a mainstream thing,

they start doing the Christian version of it. So last May, Brand was baptized in the river Thames by guy who thought he needed a televised excuse to drink his own pee, Bear grill. Yeah. Seems like that TV show was gravy for Bear. He was just like, oh, I was already doing it.

You're paying me now? So, Temps probably has more shit in it than the penguin pool. So that was the alternative, I guess I forget him. I forgive. I forgive. He's used to it. Ever since then, if Russell isn't ranting about the hordes

of Illuminati out to get him on his YouTube channel, he's delivering the lamest possible Christian narrative he can get away with. And very obviously, this week, that included a trip to the zoo with his kids, where he also agreed to do some stupid Christian stuff if they got a free baseball helmet full of dip and dots. Okay, well, to be fair, you catch me on the right day. I'd get baptized in a penguin pool for a baseball helmet full of dip and dots.

Right? Exactly. Oh, yeah. So you're probably wondering, hey, what kind of zoo? Let's rapist dunk people in their penguin pool? Is it Christian? It's the Christian ones. Yes, it is. This is Emerald Coast Zoo. in Florida, which describes itself as a Christian-focused park with a, quote, focus on God, working for the enjoyment of his people, and the happiness of his animals in our care, end quote, a priority order, which I find deeply concerning. Also, the penguin narrative is extra crazy when you're claiming intelligent design instead of evolution. Sure.

That means God created a bunch of birds that could fly through the air. As if magically. And then he was like, also penguins. Okay. You get tuxedo hair. There you go. Go fuck yourself. I don't know.

He's like, Eagles can't waddle. Although, yeah, that's lame. That's lame, man. Yeah. You get to shit all the time, huh? And spin. Good blast radius. Exactly.

But it turns out this isn't Brand's first trip to animals are our third from top priority zoo. According to the Times.com, he visited twice in September to lead the zoo's Halloween event. And I gotta admit, we're going to the zoo to watch Russell Brand lead a prayer over a group of children sounds way scarier than Halloween. He does. He looks like Jesus had a really bad divorce and became a mental. Yeah. That's what he looks like all the time. How dare you, sir? First of all, I want to highly encourage you, podcast listener, to watch this video. Okay, first of all, it's the saddest looking zoo I've ever seen. It's four sheets of plexiglass around a golf course feature,

and it's obvious Russell Brand is going for like whimsy in the video, but it's hard to go for whimsy when you're awaiting your rape trial. So he narrates the whole thing, like a death row child murderer, trying to really play up how delicious his last meal is. He also looks more ready to shit in that pool than the penguins, too. He sure does. He sure does. Either way, that zoo is going to have a convicted rapist to scrub out of a lot of their social media in a couple of months. They're really not thinking ahead. And I just want to say that I hope green-haired guy near the 59th Street Columbus Circle station is listening. I hope you're listening.

Because I think that is rather silly. Got him. Nailed it. Nailed it. You have won that interaction down. Closed that circle. Retroactively. Well, done. And finally tonight, in Zup, there it is news, a top-level official at FEMA believes he can teleport. And that sounds like a pretty great magical power that might help streamline the process when you're doing emergency management all over the country. But apparently this guy doesn't have the useful kind of teleportation. It just happens. He's an intel, the involuntary teleporter. The official in question is Greg Phillips with three G's,

and he's the head of FEMA's Office of Response and Recovery, the head of that. And on top of being shitty at teleporting, he's also an anti-vaxxer, conspiracy theorist, and a supporter of the big lie about the 2020 election shocking. He said he wants to punch Joe Biden in the face at one point two. Well, Greg is also allowed to drive and is allowed to be, in control of anything ever, in this case, something very serious, a major piece of the federal government and its disaster response. Okay, Brightside, given how the Trump administration has

handled everything they are in charge of, a guy who will stand there going, me, me, me, me, is maybe our best option. Couldn't be worse. Also, he's not to be pedantic. As much as I love Zup, there it is as an opening pun. It's very good. The correct onomatopoeia for teleportation is BAMPF. Ooh. Don't embarrass us in front of the nerds. And in MindBampf news, there is.

Greg is really struggle busting it with his teleportation powers. That's his memoirs right there. Mind BAMF. And a big thanks to Ray for sending a link to Skating News at gmail.com. Ray gets three wishes

involving our X-Men powers here at Puzzle and a Thunderstorm. No. wishing for more wishes, obviously. And yes, this is very clearly a monkey's paw scenario. So best of luck, Ray. Yeah, don't worry, Ray. The things I want are already bad for me.

When I unlocked the Wishmaster by accident, he just said, okay, I guess. I want to see the Wishmaster in his attorney trying to penetrate Heath's wish. Yes. Wishmaster versus, I know we talked about it when we did the bonus episode, but Wishmaster versus Heath is the fan fiction

we need. I beat the shit out of Wishmaster in Sketch Universe. Wishmaster quits being, he's just on a construction site six days later being like... He started crying and left. I wake up. I go to my job. I go home. No one says where to four with and it's great. It's fucking fine.

He did a triple negative. I got tricks. Fuck, digging holes now. So here's what we learned about Greg with three Gs from CNN. In January of 2025, he appeared on a podcast. hosted by Who Fuck Cares. And he told the story of getting bamfed.

Where did the dark warlock who Greg wronged end up sending him? That would be a Waffle House. A punishment worse than hell. This is Greg. You better have your fists up if you suddenly show up in a Waffle House. This is Greg with 3G's telling the story. Quote, I was with my boys one time and I was telling them I was going to go to Waffle House. and get Waffle House.

Got it, man. Yeah, it would be crazy if you just went there and got something else. And he continues, I ended up at a Waffle House. Yep, yeah, okay. That's where you're going.

He continued, this was in Georgia. Yep. And I end up at a Waffle House like 50 miles away from where I was. Okay, so Greg lied to his family about where he was going

because he was going to have gay sex and then his wife checked his location and he ran to the nearest Waffle House and was like, magic. So, Craig, I want to be clear. All right, because I've had the situation too when I'm hanging out with my boys in Georgia and then suddenly I'm at a Waffle House

with no memory of how I got there. That's how almost all trips to Waffle House begin as it turns out. That's why the top of the Waffle House menu says, you're at Waffle House, you did not tell him here. All right, continuing the story from Greg with 3G's. Quote, they, my kids, said, where are you? And I said, a waffle house.

Waffle house. It's waffles that I have now in my mouth. And they said, a waffle house where? And I said, Waffle house in Rome, Georgia. And they said, that's not possible. You just left here a moment ago. But it was possible. It was real.

End quote. So apparently the two kids were asking questions in unison, like a Shakespearean chorus, luckily. It's a weird dynamic on that phone call. So you're probably wondering now about the emotional content of Greg's magical travel. I was wondering. Well, he's got you covered. He also added, quote, teleporting is no fun. Hmm, but why, Greg?

He continues. It's no fun because you don't really know what you're doing. You don't really understand it. It's scary, but yet, but so real. And you know it's happening, but you can't do anything about it. And so you just go, you just go with the ride. And wow, what incredible adventure it all was, end quote. A real one.

Yeah. A real one, my adventure. When I'm reflecting on the things that actually happened to me, I often pause twice to reflect on how real they were and felt. Hey, guys, I'm going to pause right here. Truth Factor 100%. I don't know if I said it earlier, but that is the factor. It's a-em-Metta has his hand raised in the back.

Whoa, no question. So thank you. And in addition to the teleportation, Greg also did some magical flying. Okay. I mean, if you're doing superpowers, you know. But here's the thing. Again, he doesn't have any flying powers of his own that might help with anything.

He was just driving one day. It was a day in Canada. You don't know the day. And then all of a sudden, his truck got lifted up and carried through the air. This lasted for about 40 miles. Apparently, the odometer works while you're flying. I don't know. Or he's just, you can tell miles.

I don't know. And he got taking time. from Albania, Georgia to a ditch. Sounds weird, but the ditch, let me finish, was near a church. Quite a coincidence in Georgia, not a lot of churches around there. He wondered at the time

whether the source of the levitation and flying was evil or good. And the answer remains unclear to him. Cool. So just to wrap up the story for anyone who's just kind of tuning in, maybe you tuned out playing a phone game, The head of FEMA tells everyone it was magic when he drunk drives.

Yeah. Sounds like to me. So following the investigation that uncovered all the magic, CNN reached out to FEMA with an email that said, approximate quote, In re Greg Phillips. A lot to unpack there. You want to explain what the fuck you're doing over there at FEMA? You start talking about Greg Phillips and I'll let you know if you haven't answered any of the questions I have. And no, here's the official statement from FEMA in response.

This is an actual quote. This is so silly, it's barely worth acknowledging. DHS, FEMA, and Mr. Phillips are focused on the critical mission of emergency management and ensuring the safety of the American people. Many of the comments cited are taken out of context or represent personal, informal, jovial and somewhat spiritual discussions made in the context of barely surviving cancer in a private capacity prior to his current role. And excuse me quote, private capacity and public.

So, okay, sorry, it was out of context? Yeah. First of all, no, it wasn't, right? But let's pretend it was. And grant the premise, what the fuck context would make I floated through the air for 40 miles and teleported to a waffle house reasonable. People often ask me, Greg, what things could you say on this podcast

that would disqualify you from office and sharp scissors? Well, I said no questions. So maybe the answer to that context is congressional hearing? I would like one. Hopefully, yes, because Greg with 3Gs, who thinks he can teleport, is testifying before U.S. Congress this week. I'm going to repeat that.

The guy who claims he can teleport is speaking to U.S. Congress. The hearing is for the House Homeland Security Committee regarding the DHS being shut down, sort of, because Republicans have to have a team of jag-wooded thugs and masks hunting down brown people have to have it, getting rid of that. Obviously, non-starter. We'll see what Greg has to say about his very serious job,

but hopefully we get at least one question about the teleportation. We will report back next time if any crucial details about teleportation get revealed. Or if he teleports out mid-hearing, right? That still could happen.

And click before any of us get non-consensually bamfed to a waffle house. We're going to wrap the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. And when we come back, we'll see if roundhouse kicks can reach you from beyond the grave. Nightgrey.

Some days the only thing that keeps good-hearted Americans going from day to day is the sure knowledge that people in their 80s die all the fucking time, which we're reminded of again. And this week's son of obituary. Sorry, just manifesting something? Yep, yep. Please do. Please do.

I really want to follow up with another one next week. Nothing. So this week, we're going to be celebrating the demise of action icon and conservative maga piece of shit Chuck Norris, who, despite being an absolutely shitty human being in all the measurable ways probably still has quite a few crossover fans with our audience.

So I get it, right? I'm sorry because I love cheesy stupid action movies. And cast. I don't necessarily love the ones with Chuck Norris in him. But like John Claude Van Damme and Dorse Trump and I'm going to still be sad when he dies. Sorry, wait, Googling.

Yes, he is still alive. So yeah, so point stands. Safe. Okay, good. Good to know. Yeah, the only real downside Chuck Norris dying is not seeing him fight Van Dam at the Kumete on the White House lawn that we're having for the 250th birthday of our delightful country.

So, I mean, like, somebody needs to represent the fighting style called Stand Still while I roundhouse kick you in the face. No, no, Chuck can't do it. Andrew Tate. Oh, I'm sorry, you meant do the kicking. So Carlos Ray Norris was born in 1940 and the only Ryan worse than the airline. in Oklahoma, and he was such an insufferable tactical water flask jackass of a white guy that the two-paragraph long early life portion of his Wikipedia entry mentions his father's

quote, distant Cherokee roots, end quote. Okay, just real quick, sorry to grind things to halt. My amazing new leather belt does have a tactical water flask. It's awesome. People are going to be confused by what you said. No saying it's bad in the context of Chuck Norris. Yes, exactly. A lot of crossover. My belt is awesome.

It's not a water flask. You're worried about them, everybody. Please help us. You can put whatever you want in it. Oh, yeah. They have to let you. So little Carlos was a shy kid. He didn't sports well.

He didn't smarts well. And he was desperately introverted through his childhood. His parents were divorced by the time he was 16. And his dad was an occasionally employed alcoholic. Oh, occasionally employed dad. Well, Lodi, freaking da, duh. Must be nice. Like really worried everybody.

Really, really, please. So Carlos wouldn't earn the moniker Chuck until he joined the Air Force in 1958 and presumably got picked on for having a Mexican name or something. I don't know. He spent most of his Air Force career stationed in South Korea, and it was here that he started studying Tang Sudo. Okay. And if Chuck was alive today,

he would be telling you about his grandmaster of Tang Sudo while you're cornered at a party. But alas, he's got to be. John, I'll have to do it for him. For everyone who's not a karate pervert, here's the description of Tangsudo, straight from tangsudo.com. Well, they know what they're talking about.

Right from the source. You would assume, quote, Tangsudo is a traditional Korean martial art combining Okinawan karate or karate, taekwondo-like kicks, Eli, and Chinese internal... I'm sold. Movements.

Founded in 1945 by Grand Master Huang Kyi. It emphasizes discipline, mental, and physical fitness. The uniform is called a doback. And practitioners focus on techniques like kicking, punching, and forms aiming for a peaceful life. A peaceful life with a lot of kicking and punching. With kicking and punching. All right, Craig, your kicks and punches suck, but you live in a cabin in the woods by yourself and seem to have a pretty peaceful life.

So here's your brown belt, I guess. It's a weird that we... It's a tactical brown belt. Such differentiating factors. Sometimes you got to escalate to de-escalate. That's what I learned this week from the Trump administration. There you go. So by 1962, he was discharged from the Air Force and decided to become a cop.

He also opened a martial arts studio and started professionally encouraging people to come at him like this. I know we've been guilty of failing to show the martial arts their proper respect on this show. So I want to be clear that there were... parts of this man's 70s, where I'm absolutely sure he could have kicked my ass. Or all three of our asses at the same time. But given the knowledge of recent American history, I'm willing to bet that the success of his chain of karate schools had less to do with him winning the karate triple crown in 1969 and a lot more to do with Americans' excitement to learn karate without having to talk to a

Chinese. Also, he was good at like 1970s karate. I feel like I could have kissed a black guy on the mouth and melted the eyes. out of his skull. Okay, so the inquisitive listener at home is probably wondering all about that triple crown. I was wondering about that. So in Major League Baseball, the Triple Crown. How many horses did he fight?

Yeah. In Major League Baseball, the Triple Crown, is awarded for those rare players who lead the league in home runs, RBIs, and batting average. In horse racing, it's awarded for winning the Kentucky Derby, the Prenness, and the Belmont steaks. and for karate, according to Wikipedia, via Chuck's 1975 book called Winning Tournament Karate, the Triple Crown is for most tournament wins of the year. End of list.

It's just the one thing. But you get three crowns, I guess. That's nice. As a prize. So the guy who enters the most karate tournaments wins it. But for whatever reason, his chain of schools did take off. and he became karate master to the star, boasting Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley,

and Donnie and Marie Osmond among his students. So if you were ever wondering how it was that Donnie Osmond and Priscilla Presley kicked so much ass, now you know. Man, Donnie and Maria are really dedicated to practicing their grappling. Oh, no. Good for those kids. But no celebrity friendship benefited Chuck more than his relationship

with martial arts legend Bruce Lee. By the time they met Bruce. Bruce Lee already had an impressive filmography in Hong Kong and was well known in the U.S. through his role as Batman's buddies sidekick Cato on the far too short-running Green Hornet TV series. And it was Bruce who gave Chuck his big Hollywood break, casting him as one of the main villains in the 1972 classic The Way of the Dragon, which to a degree that he must have remained consciously aware of through his entire career, it was the best movie he would ever have any part in. Sidekicks was pretty awesome, but yeah, no, probably accurate.

But before I make a final call on that for myself, I'll need to see the upcoming Australian feature zombie plane. Yeah, so old war. Yes. Final acting performance alongside Thespian rapper Vanilla Ice. And I will probably need to do a podcast all about that. Then we'll know for sure. Okay, so 550 episodes and we're just doing great movies now.

Once in a while, we're allowed to do a great movie. Okay, so now I would argue that Chuck Norris has the least impressive filmography of any actor whose name everybody knows. I'm willing to bet good money to bad donuts that most of the people listening to this show have never seen a Chuck Norris movie unless you count cameos. And if you really want to know how sad his career is, you need to look no further than the subheading. in his Wikipedia bio, because despite a 52-year film career that span from 1972 to

2024, unless you count the zombie thing, Wikipedia's subheading for mainstream success only spans from 1984 to 1989. Rough. Yeah, then it downgrades to subsequent success from 1990 through 1999. Okay. And then he levels down to subsequent films and internet fame. But even that only lasts to 2005, rather. After that, it's just later works.

Okay. When the final two decades of your film career have the heading palliative care on Wikipedia? Yeah. That's not great. Also, Wikipedia quickly bans the person who made that edit is what I would have heard. Oh, damn. Now, I don't want to dwell on his movie career here because as much as the only thing that he contributed to the world, it's not very funny to talk about, except for the fact that literally nothing he

ever did reach to seven or better on IMDB, except for Way of the Dragon, and a TV show he had a cameo on one episode of. And the fact that eight of the final 18 of his IMDB credits are WBK Bank commercials. And four of the other 10 are commercials for United Health Care, Toyota, Tacomas, Dodge, Rams, and Wright Guard says an awful lot. Probably having to chuckle in the afterlife with the United Healthcare CEO guy. So what you wanted to do is, you wanted to block and that block the bullet?

You got to get inside his guard. His guard. Thank you. Yeah, that's not me. Keith, get out of heaven. But of course, the real reason that we're talking about him is that in addition to advertising for Wright Guard,

he was also quite the spokesman for Reich Guard. Because in addition to being an international martial arts superstar, he was also a big old bigot. He was an outspoken Christian, which is just another. way of saying Big O'Bigot. We heard you. Yeah.

And oh, hey, if you want another synonym for Bigot, he was also a staunch conservative. After the release of his 1984 film Missing in Action, he declared himself, quote, a conservative, a flag waiver, and a big Ronald Reagan fan, end quote.

Oh, man. Remember when horrible people were big Ronald Reagan fans? That was the best. That was the best. Fun fact, though, about very important cinematic history. Missing in action came out in November of 84 and then missing in action two came out in March of 85 just before Rambo 2 was about to release. So they were clearly glomming off the success

and artistic vision of the much more serious Rambo. Frambo. First one was serious. Okay, so by the early 90s, he was already forcibly retired from Hollywood. So he turned to the small screen and began the role he's best known for in the overripened cheese of a television program, Walker, Texas Ranger, in which he played a man so badass that bears knew better than to fuck with him. Seriously, there is a scene from that show where he stares down the bear that's about to attack him and the bear thinks better of it. All right. This guy's staring at me.

He's got a super rapy vibe. I'm going to take off. I run into a guy like this in the woods. This is terrible. He's a fucking Reagan fan. A bunch of people online need to talk about us in a way that is neither useful nor honest. But of course. But of course, the most significant thing that ever happened to his career was when the internet

adopted him as a punchline for jokes about badassery. Chuck Norris facts started populating the internet in the mid-aughts, or apparently as early as the 80s, if you listen to him on vinyl. And they had him seasoning his meat with pepper spray, parallel parking. trains and dribbling bowling balls until that bit was co-opted by Mexican beer brands with no creativity and podcasters thanking their patrons with a lot of creativity. Actually, it's just really hard every week. Yeah, and just opera of nothing. If you give us money at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, you actually can cause a pregnancy by pointing at a belly and saying boo-ya.

That one, that's a real thing. You get that. But unsatisfied with his new career as a punchline, Norris delved ever further into the political world. He'd been an outspoken homophobe for a while, but as with so many aspiring American bigots, his activism really bubbled over about the time it looked like a black man might become president. Huh. Yeah, huh.

In 2008, Norris was the first big name in Hollywood to come out in favor of California's Proposition 8, which would have banned same-sex marriage if the state courts had allowed it. He also endorsed a far less successful Mike Huckabee in 2008, who didn't even make it as far as the court. courts. Yeah, well, that's because he was busy raising the perfect comedy foil in his daughter. No, that's right. He was worried about the next generation. But of course, Obama did become president. So Norris shifted gears to birtherism. He was among the loudest conservative voices demanding Obama's

long-form birth certificate. And when Obama ultimately tracked that down, Norris and all the other birthers just moved on to a different conspiracy theory. In 2011, he released a five-part investigation about the, quote, infiltration of Sharia law into United States culture, end quote, which was published on World Net Daily. He would remain a regular contributor to World Net Daily until he died. Cool. Yeah, that sentence you just said, it's part of the obituary for everyone who ever writes for World Net Daily. Also listed as the cause of death a lot of the time. But eventually, Chuck found a pet conspiracy theory that allowed him to marry his hatred of Obama and his home.

homophobia, which was legal by then, whether he liked it or not. When the Boy Scouts voted to overturn their longstanding ban on gay scouts and leaders, Norris denounced them and claimed that Obama had secretly paid them off. Nice, classic Obama. Nicely done. And now we wait. Now who's afraid of running into a bear in the woods? But of course, as 2012 rolled around and Obama looked poised for re-election,

Norris kicked his back. bigotry into high gear. He and his wife famously released a video warning that if we reelected Obama, America would have a thousand years of darkness, and quote, our country as we know it may be lost forever, end quote. And yes, he's like probably technically right, but only in so much as people like him would get so pissed about it that they would burn the presidency to the ground rather than let a black guy have it again. Yeah. If Skynet predicts judgment day on judgment and Day Eve. It's not really that impressive. You just fired the nukes that you took over. That's nothing.

Also, there's no money for you to have won on Polly Market, man. We're doing speed. This is not, this doesn't make any sense. So Norris's pension for bigoted endorsements that would go on to lose would eventually and inevitably lead him to one Roy Moore in 2017. You'll remember him for getting himself elected to Alabama's Supreme Court twice and getting removed for ethic violations both times, once over an illegal 10 commandments monument, the other time over gay marriage. Well, with pretty much nothing but that on his resume,

he decided to run for Alabama's open Senate seat in the special election. How'd that go? Yeah, well, Norris was one of his first celebrity endorsers. And then it immediately came out that Moore was a pedophile and a molester and all around sick fuck, at which time Norris did not rescind his endorsement. Come on, man. Really duggered in your heels there. Oh, God.

Gotta let it go. Dim the torpedoes. In for a petty, in for a pound. If you're reading this week's episode, you are loving Heath stuff. You're loving it. Yeah, this one's a good read. And fearing that perhaps there were some scathing atheist listeners that wouldn't hate him enough by at this point in the segment.

In 2022, Chuck decided he wanted to make Paltrow money. So he started a wellness brand called, and yes, this is the name I'd be giving it if I made it up, but that doesn't mean I made it up. Roundhouse provisions. They make something called morning kick. Yeah, they do. And it specializes in healthy prepper buckets, but also supplements because why the fuck not? Okay, well, obviously, I checked out roundhouse provisions.com. Obviously. And the landing page says, freedom, family, fitness, faith, fight. We are deeply saddened by the passing of Chuck Norris. And right below that, there's a link to buy their supplements that were marketed by Chuck Norris

as the way to stay healthy and strong in your 80s. Oh, no. Well, he died harder than anybody I know. Died the shit out of that death. But despite what the internet jokes would have you believe, he did turn out to be mortal. He died in his home in Hawaii on the 19th of this month. His family said he was at peace. but I like to think that his final thoughts

were that if no illusions were compiling a list of the hundred greatest martial arts films ever made. Which dear listeners is something Noah might do at any moment. May have already done, in fact. But if I were making one, Chuck Norris would only show up on it once and he'd be getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee. Or maybe vanilla ice.

Oh yeah, right, right. No, I keep prejudicing the experiment here. And with that in mind, we're going to wrap up there and look forward to a day. and perhaps the very near future when we'll have one of these segments that takes up the whole goddamn episode and probably has its own song.

Looking at you, Bill Donahue. That's not who I was thinking of. Before we give you back your earbuds, I want to let you know that if you were on the fence about coming to our San Francisco live show next weekend, get the fuck off the fence on the side of going. We are doing Melania. And if I am watching that piece of shit movie for you,

the least you could do is come watch me talk about it. Check the show notes, Godolphamovamovimovil Live. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, being lookout for a brand new episode of our sister-so's hot friend Godolfo Movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday

and an even newer episode of our half-sher-shaught at least due to debuting at noon-eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I want to thank Heath Enright for always playing along. Eli Bostic for always playing through and Lucinda illusions for playing stuff I'm not allowed to talk to you about. I also need to offer a huge thanks to everybody who recommended the dungeon crawler Carl books. I'm only one book in and I'm already in love.

I also want to thank Will for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and forgive me for being a little more terrified in every waking moment after hearing it. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most awesome anthropods. Decomp Devil, Jentler, Ray, Justin Jackson, Ian Bonker, Conquer, and Crystal. Decomp, Gentler, and Ray, whose IQs are so high numbers haven't gotten there yet. Justin Jackson and Ian who are carrying around such a big pair of stone, Sisyphist feels sorry for him, and Bonker, and Crystal are so hot they can only smoke from

both ends at once. Together, these eight habitually heavenly heathens helped hone our hatred for hostility to head-thinking this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to do that. All the less, now that a toddler with anger management issues is in charge of the global economy, but if you somehow still do, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists, where you want to learn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathinga-d-d-com. And if you'd like to help, but all your money's tied up in Trump trying to prove his dick is bigger than Iran,

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-shar review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clerk, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threat, you'll find all the contact tempo on the contact page at scalingatheas.com. So the narrative that the Vatican was kind of trying to subtly, why did I say Vatican like I was Canadian? This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-255 or on their website. creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.