The Scathing Atheist - 682: Astro-Naughty Edition

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

In this week’s episode, Trump’s Easter message goes a little off track, we learn that Jesus Christ definitely skipped egg day again, and Biblepiece Theater will check the New Testament’s spam folder.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Guest Links:Get tickets to see Noah and Seth live in Cincinnati on July 11th: https://www.sethandrews.com/cincinnatiLearn more about Tri-State Freethinkers’ annual Ark Park Protest: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1HezXMbHKP/---Headlines:Trump’s easter message goes off the rails: https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-easter-egg-roll-iran-comments-b2952521.htmlJonathan Majors Fell Through A Window On Daily Wire Action Flick, Leading Crew To Walk Off Set; Producers Say They “Don’t Negotiate With Communists”: https://deadline.com/2026/04/jonathan-majors-falls-through-window-crew-strike-daily-wire-1236773038/Florida attorney general says state can ignore its own constitution to fund religion: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/florida-attorney-general-says-stateJD Vance’s book uses random church for cover photo: https://people.com/jd-vance-memoir-catholicism-shows-methodist-church-11940702Nuns who broke back into their Austrian convent ‘are step closer to being able to stay’: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/03/nuns-who-broke-back-into-their-austrian-convent-are-step-closer-to-being-able-to-stayMassive Texas drone show brings Easter story to the sky: https://dallasexpress.com/state/massive-texas-drone-show-brings-easter-story-to-the-sky/---This Week in Misogyny:https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/these-christian-men-want-women-barefoothttps://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/06/opinion/women-workplace-dei-feminism.html

Warning, there will be fucks. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by Chocolate Chip Mobile. Now, if only we could get these two together. And now, the Skating Atheist. Good-day, this is Justin from Secular Alcoholics Anonymous Australia. We don't allow anyone to take an earbashing from a god-botherer, even though they do prove that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, monkey people. It's Thursday.

It's April 9th. And it's National Cherish and Antique Day. Love you, Noah. I'm still just vintage. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright. And from Elliot Caddoz, New Jersey,

National Champions, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia. This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Trump's Easter message goes a little off track. Does it? We learn that Jesus Christ definitely skipped Egg Day again. And Bible Peace Theater will check the New Testament spam folder. First, the diatri. I don't know about y'all, but I have absolutely been living on the NASA app for this past week.

We were in San Francisco over the weekend for a live god off a movies record, and I spent the whole time weirding people out by getting excited about canceled OTC burns. Not all the people, right? The live game audience contains more than a couple people who get just as excited as I do about really precise orbital trajectories, but a lot of people. But yeah, it was awesome. It genuinely, it felt good to be excited about something the American government

was doing for a change. Ours is a country that's real hard to be proud of right now and the Artemis II mission has given us a glimpse of our scientific glory days. One of those precious few moments when America truly led the world in a direction worth going. We watched four men and women

pushed the literal boundary of human exploration, reaching further into the heavens than we've ever been before. It was a unifying human moment in a world that desperately needs some unity, which made it all the sadder that religion had to jump in and fuck things up. In this case, religion's intrusion came in the form of an interview that Artemis II pilot Victor Glover, the first African-American to fly beyond low Earth orbit, gave back in 2023. He was interviewed on this Christian podcast called The Christian Chronicle. And they asked him what it's like to cling to centuries outdated beliefs when you're constantly being confronted with the lack of firmament.

In his answer, he's talking about praying to God not to explode him to death during rocket launches. And he says, quote, in the military, there's a saying that there are no atheists in foxholes. There aren't any on top of rockets either, I would think. End quote. Now, this is one of Christianity's favorite fantasies, isn't it? the idea that everybody secretly agrees with them. And I'd imagine that's because, you know,

when you're casting a magic spell to keep your rocket from blowing up, you feel like an idiot unless you can convince yourself that everybody else also thinks they can wish away explosions with Hebrew sorcery. And of course, his claim is demonstrably untrue. Chris Fugel saying is a Swedish astronaut and an outspoken atheist. Bill Anders, the guy who took the famous picture of the earth that so often credited with kickstarting the modern environmental movement, he said he became an atheist because of his experience in space.

And that's not to mention all those cosmonauts who kind of invented being on top of rockets. But even if you set aside how wrong it is and how big it is, which would be crazy shit to set aside. But even if you did, it still falls apart on its own. See, as frustrating as I find this Christian tendency to think that everybody secretly agrees with them, I get it.

It's hard to truly step outside one's own worldview. And if I'm being entirely honest, I'm guilty of this shit myself constantly. I'm sure that there are some Christians out there that truly believe the bullshit they say they believe. But in my heart of hearts, I don't think I've ever met one. I can't help but think they all secretly believe what I believe when the chips are down. But unlike Victor Glover, I'm not just basing that on prejudice and cultural blindness. I'm also basing it on their actions. I mean, if Victor Glover truly believed what his religion preaches, that is, if he truly

believed that Christ died for his sins and that upon his death he would inherit his room in God's mansion and spend eternity and paradise everlasting with all his dead pets and loved ones, why the fuck would he be praying the rocket didn't blow up? This whole no atheist in a foxhole shit is self-refuting. The very fact that we're all operating under the assumption that none of us want to die is a secular foundation. I mean, you could argue that what people really mean to say is that, you know, atheists to all get right with God when they think the bombs are about to drop.

And if that's the way you employ it, congratulations, you're just a bigot. But that's not how Glover used it. He was specifically talking about praying before doing dangerous shit that he wouldn't die. So what are you praying for, Vic? Are you praying that you won't have to go to heaven? That you won't have to sit at the right hand of God, that you won't inherit. carrot paradise? What do you have against the room that God prepared for you? Is it not good enough for you, Victor? Look, the most uplifting thing about the Artemis mission is that despite

Trump's relentless average to rollback diversity measures, we're finally opening the moon up to people who aren't white American men. Yes, these guys are doing important scientific work. And yes, they went further from the earth than humans have ever gone before. And yes, they're laying the foundation for bigger leaps in the near future. But the essence of this mission is, inclusion. There are a lot of reasons it matters scientifically, but its diversity is the reason it matters historically, and is a shame that Glover had to marr that by trying to exclude people who are already there. They're talking about your Jesus.

They interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the beans and squash to Mike Corn, Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to grow together? I'm a believer. Yes. And despite my odd shape, I am wholesome and in good taste. Wow. I don't know about that. And quick while Heath basks in the joy of not being the tall one for a change.

We're going to pause for a word from this week sponsor, MintMobil. And then with 400, you get double. Yeah, man, that's how numbers were. Hey, guys, what you up to? Eli got conned by his big wireless company again. I didn't get conned. I'm taking advantage of members-only perks. I see.

And what perks are those? If I give them $200, I get a $200 credit for my device purchase. Okay, that's just buying something, man. Buying something, thank you. It is? Yeah. Yeah, after years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up with crazy high wireless bills,

bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run, and I switch to Mint Mobile. What's Mint Mobile? Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text. delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. With Mint Mobile, you can bring your own phone number,

activate with ESIM and minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassle. That sounds great, but have you actually tried it? I sure have. I switched to Mint Mobile when they became a sponsor. I love that I get the same service for a fraction of the price. That's why I know illusions personally endorse MintMobile. All right, Noah, I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

If you'd like your money, MintMobile is for you. Shop plans at MintMobile.com slash scathing. That's MintMobile.com slash scathing. A upfront payment of $45 for three months for a five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plans options available. Taxes and freeze extra C. Mint Mobile for details.

All right. Thanks, No. Okay. But what if I give double and then... You're giving someone money, man. Beans. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, one of the problems with reporting on Donald Trump is that our euphemisms

just weren't designed to do. deal with this level of stupidity. Right? Like, you can't say something went off the rails without implying that it was to that point still on the rails. You can't say he's gone off the deep end without implying that he was in the shallow end up until now. You can't say he lost his mind without implying that he still had one to lose.

I don't think there have been rails even to be on or off. Right, exactly. Right. So beaten into literalism by our language's naivete, you have to just say, so Trump spent the White House Easter egg roll bragging about how many Iranians he killed to the Easter Bunny and telling five-year-olds what an asshole Joe Biden was. And even then, that implies that there was a time before the Easter Egg roll where he wasn't saying. Yeah. You remember we got this with Hegg Seth last year and the Easter Bunny?

Like, if you give a speech and then someone adds the literal Easter Bunny right next to you, with CGI even, and it's the same amount of crazy. either way in your speech, you're fired and you go to a facility. That's how it should work. So, yeah, so Trump opened the holiest day on the Christian calendar by assuing the traditional messages of unity and redemption that those woke cucks in the Oval Office before him relied on and instead kicked off the day with a profanity-laden war crime ultimatum, a threat remarkable only in the fact that you'd thought he would to stop setting deadlines on Tuesday

once we knew about the taco acronym, right? Yeah, and just for the official record, a war crime ultimatum is called a war crime. Sure is. Yeah. Sure is. But all of that turned out to be the hinged on the rails, on the rocker portion of the holiday festivities,

because after that, they allowed him to be around kids. See, on Monday, they did the annual White House Easter egg role, which is a family-oriented tradition that started all the hell way back in 1878, and I feel confident in saying that if he had known what Trump was going to turn it into in 2026, Rutherford B. Hayes never would have bothered. It started when Trump delivered a few words on Easter next to a low-level staffer in an Easter Bunny costume. And this, of course, immediately devolved into him bragging about how awesome the war that he's losing is going in a way that is so bat-shut and incongruous

that even the static expression of the Easter Bunny costume was clearly saying, what the actual fuck, man. Seriously, watch the video. The hollow eyes of that rabbit are a mirror into the soul of the nation. Yeah, he's listing war crimes to a bunny mascot while crazy calliope music plays. Yes, yes. So two options. One, removed from office immediately.

And Republicans are never allowed to vote ever again. I like that. voted for Donald Trump, now you're done. Or option two, I just watched a very interesting avant-garde cereal commercial. I'm good either way. I'm good with option one or two.

I don't think it's two. No, I don't think so. But somehow, though, there was still a downhill to go after all that. So he sat down with a bunch of kids that were coloring pictures, which he signed. He did. Yes, he signed the pictures

that other kids colored. Color your own picture. Right, yeah, exactly. you motherfucker. And then he bragged about how much more the pictures were going to be worth now that they had his signature on him. And then he told the kids that Joe Biden couldn't sign his name and had to use an auto pen instead. Wow.

Fielding questions about the war and about how he was going to blow up their bridges and water desalienization plants. Wow. Again, surrounded by five-year-olds. Okay. Fwebting to attack civilian infrastructure. sir. He's a war crime, Mr. Poethe. I just want to let you know.

I have a follow-up question. You posted, let me show, open the fucking straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in hell, just watch, place be to Allah.

That was 803am. So my question is, how can I get more screen time like that? You get a lot of screen time? And look, his deranged ranting got so bad that I'm not even talking about the part where he claimed that the Iranian people actually love getting bombed. He did say that.

Or the part where he said, yeah, he did. He did. And I'm not talking about the part where he said he wanted to take Iran's oil. Or when he responded to reporters pointing out he was threatened in war crimes by basically saying you're a war crime because there's too much bat shit to fit into any one container no matter how oversized it is. It's true. And in God Awful Movies News.

I'm so excited. The right wingers have been telling us. us for a while now, that if we keep canceling rapists, abusers, and the disastrously incompetent, eventually, they'll have their own unwow colliewood with beer and hookers. Well, it looks like that sweet, sweet revenge has finally arrived in the form of the Daily Wire's new sequel, Run, Hide, Fight, Infidels. Come on. Really? Now, yes, that is the actual working title. Now, we won't be getting our hands on that beautiful baby over on our sister's show God-awful movies just yet. But it turns out that the development is giving us plenty to talk about.

As star of the film, Sex Abuser Jonathan Majors, fell through a window during filming and now their union is on strikes. You hate to see it. Based on what we know so far, it seems entirely possible that at some point somebody's going to be attacked by a donut eating bear on set. It's possible. It's possible. And they're going to be hungry if Crafty's gone. Yeah. And a big thanks to Heather for being the first to send us this story to scathing news at gmail.com. Heather, for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com. You can audition for one of the many extra parts available when we finally get around to making god-awful movies the movie. Headshot,

resume and 16 bars of an upbeat show tune, Heather. Be ready. By the way, lead role is available if you can tap dance. How dare you, sir? How dare you? That's low. Yeah. So I like guys. and dolls. When you're picking your tune. So, yeah, according to deadline, Ayatzi was in the process of getting the producers of the film to sign off

on union regulated health care and pay issues when they noticed several safety risks, which ground production to a halt. Could that be because the special effects supervisor on set is Chris Bailey, who has previously pled guilty to illegal possession

of explosives on a movie set? What? Or could it be because of the multiple injuries that have already happened like a tree branch falling onto the onset medic. Onto the medic. So who deals with that? Yeah.

Who watches the medic? Not rooting against the medic, but that's funny. Who knows? When Deadline reached out for comment on the union's concerns, the Daily Wire said, quote, we don't negotiate with communists. Oh, the scream in the middle of the toy aisle style of negotiation. I mean, you know what, they probably saw how well it was working for Trump and Iran. So they said, okay, that's a part of it.

Iran's refusing to negotiate with terrorists. I guess that's something. Well, there's that. That's a part of it. Yeah. So no sooner was that hot, fresh zinger out of their mouths, then they had another little oopsie in a clip obtained by deadline, which you should totally watch. Majors and his co-star can be seen accidentally backing out a safety glass-tempered window.

And look, I'd love to say that they fall several stories. race to lava below. But they actually just fall down outside. But it's still pretty funny. Major's co-star required stitches, quote, all over his hands. And the shoot has been put on pause while the remaining cast and crew release statements

to the press about how safe they feel while blinking, help me in Morse Cove. Yeah, it turns out run, hide, fight were stage directions. Yeah, they tried to claim that squibs went off. So all the stage blood made the whole thing look worse, but that made it objectively funnier.

Right. You can laugh harder at the blood now. Yeah. A hundred percent. Like an airbag that goes off late and just punches the... Punch you in the face. Yeah, exactly. I wish that had happened from the ground somehow. So yeah, we obviously cannot wait to take a look at Run Hyde Fight in Fidels. And right now, it looks like if we're lucky, it's going to kill more than just a few people's careers. They were dead anyway.

And in clantidistestablishmentarianism news, Florida is establishing religion using the state. Huh. James Uthmeyer, the state attorney general, the ideological protege of Pamela Joe Bondi, unemployed, decided they're not doing the First Amendment anymore in Florida. In response to nobody nothing, his office released a nine-page memo last week that canceled the establishment clause. of the First Amendment and canceled the Florida state law, which would both very clearly make it illegal to use public money to fund religion. In particular, he's trying to declare by Fiat that Florida taxpayers are on the hook for the funding of religious charter schools.

Florida is like Theocracy's comedically unsubtle henchmen, right? Like Theocracy is all like, oh, sure it would be a pity if, and then Florida's like, we won't God to be president, don't we, Paul? It's just, it's not, they're reckoning. Well, so what I love about Flora's Theocratic Stupidity is that when the Save Act failed nationally, they were like, all right, what if we just suppressed the vote in red states then? They're very stupid people. And we all know about the First Amendment, pretty clear.

And in terms of the state law I was talking about, Florida, it's actually a constitutional thing. Florida is one of the 37 states that has a version of the Blaine Amendment. that never got adopted at the federal level because we're a fucking stupid country even compared to Florida but it's in the Florida Constitution and it says quote there shall be no law respecting the establishment

of religion or prohibiting or penalizing the free exercise thereof religious freedom shall not justify practices inconsistent with public morals, peace or safety no revenue of the state or any political subdivision or agency thereof shall ever be taken from the public treasury directly or indirectly in aid of any church, sect, or religious denomination,

or in aid of any sectarian institution, end quote. Also pretty clear. Well, according to A.G. Jimmy, actually it doesn't count now because he wrote a fucking memo. That passage of the state constitution in his head is unconstitutional. Okay, guys, he might be dissolving Florida as a state, and I think we should hear him out. Okay, I will admit the Constitution is unconstitutional. That's at least bold, right? It is bold.

Swing for the fucking fences. Yeah. And here's the argument we got. A.G. Jimmy is claiming that establishment of religion might be banned, but encouragement of religion is cool. According to his memo, quote, establishment and encouragement are not the same. And no framer capitalized would have conflated the two.

No framework would have conflated the two. Founding fraud. The First Amendment prohibits the former at the federal level, but not the latter. Government encouragement of religion acknowledges that piety,

religion, and morality are intimately connected with the well-being of the state. Oh, you just conflated those things, huh? He did. It is indeed difficult to conceive how any civilized society can

well exist without them. Is it? I must be really fucking good at it then because I'm having no trouble at all. Yeah, seems easy. Yeah, I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. He had trouble with most of those words, honestly, but he continued, undaunted by his confusion, explaining how the framers just wanted to make sure to avoid any particular Christian sect obtaining national ascendancy.

and then he gives ascendancy to all the Christian sex by granting them public money. The other religions too, but man, come on, just the one, really. We all know what they're going to do in Florida. That's what's happening in Texas. They had to sue for it to not just be Christianity. It's probably not going to work. Also, atheism can go fuck itself. Obviously.

Or in the words of Jimmy, the free exercise clause of the First Amendment does protect atheists. However, in this part's exact, exact quote. It does not privilege actions motivated by unbelief in the same way it privileges actions motivated by belief. Well, yeah, because it establishes those beliefs at a governmental, fuck, wait, no, it doesn't do that. No, it's not still confused, bud. Well, a, good news, Jimmy Jams. No actions are motivated by unbelief, right?

Like, some actions might be motivated by the belief that you're full of shit, but it's definitely impossible to be motivated. by something you don't believe. Right. And he also fully admits that multiple Supreme Court cases directly contradict his insane unbelief comment. But then he says those cases are incorrect. So it doesn't count. Either way, the memo is a preemptive declaration that A.G. Jimmy will not be doing his

fucking job. And instead, he'll be ignoring two different constitutions. And speaking of which, he closed it out by 7.000. saying, we, the people of Florida, are grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty. Asterisk. Yeah, right? Except the unconstitutional constitutional liberties. We're not grateful for those.

Okay. Let's just take a moment to really appreciate that this dude thinks, no, we the people is his check name. Isn't that David A.R. White, like, third one, fourth one, I forget. Come on, damn it. It was awesome. So many. And of course, this whole thing is based on the same shenanigans that we saw in Oklahoma

when a Christian school tried to get public funding. Unfortunately, A.G. Jimmy of Florida is not quite as enlightened as a person named Gentner Drummond, the AG of Oklahoma. Jimmy's arguing that voucher programs for private schools must be offered to religious private schools, and therefore they must be offered to religious charter schools. which are public schools. He's confused by that too. Also, crucially, if any school starts getting public money,

now it's a public fucking school because of the public money. Yeah. Except with none of the benefits. Like, you know, a curriculum of reality or rules against bigotry and hiring and admissions. Just the public costs. That's how it's public. And it's all based on the Supreme Court ruling.

Fucking Trinity Lutheran said it's persecuted. if we don't buy playgrounds for private religious schools. Yeah. Really too bad. Nobody was yelling about that seven to two ruling when it happened. Maybe we've got to seen this coming if somebody's yelling about it. This is a surprise. And now that Heath has queued the seething like that,

I suppose we should take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. You don't need a cue to seethe. No. Permiseatheen. Resting seethe face. I get it, man. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what you want.

If it's a legitimate rate. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fine. Hey, I'm glad of a man. This week in massage. You know, with all the stories about how incompetent Pete Hegseth is, and how racist he is, and how stupid he is, and how theocratic he is, and how Islamophobic he is, and how drunk he is, and how bad at pull-ups he is, it's easy to lose track of how sexist he is. So quick reminder, the man in charge of the most unhinged and unconstrained version of the U.S. military ever conceived is a member of a church founded by Doug Wilson. And I know it's hard to keep track of all the assholes here, especially with Marsh periodically showing up and giving you new ones.

But Doug Wilson is the guy who founded Christchurch in Moscow, Idaho. And if you want to know how sexist they are, Doug Wilson regularly extols the benefits of slavery and his sexist views are still his most controversial. The church preaches that women shouldn't be allowed to vote, that they should speak when spoken to, and that they should wear head coverings just to make their caterwauling about Sharia law that much more ironic. Now, Hexeth has been asked directly rather he agrees with Doug Wilson, his spiritual guide and mentor,

that women shouldn't be allowed to vote. And he sure as fuck didn't say no. Instead, he released a statement through a spokesperson that avoided the question altogether and simply said, quote, the secretary very much appreciates many of Mr. Wilson's writing. and teachings, end quote. Now, the stated goal of Wilson and a lot of influential Trump supporters is to repeal the 19th

Amendment and disenfranchise American women. But that's a whole big thing. Fucking with the Constitution would take a far bigger majority than they can muster any time in the near future. But as we're seeing with shit like the SAVE Act, which would disproportionately disenfranchise women because they're more likely to change their names, they might not need to. But that's hardly the only way they're actively trying to. to disempower women. Another front in this battle for Gilead is their effort to ban no-fault divorce.

And I can't even fathom a reason people would want to ban letting their wives leave if their wives didn't want to leave. But let's be clear here. The end result of this is more spousal abuse. Every avenue of escape you cut off for married women directly leads to an increase in women being beaten to death. And I honestly don't know if that's a price they're willing to pay or what they're paying for. And it's not just about getting women off the voter rolls. It's about getting them out of the workplace. Hell, for the first time in its 70-year history, the U.S. refused to sign off on the U.N. Commission's status of women's annual principles,

which is an absolutely feeble statement of general female personhood. It's just this sort of general recognition that women in the world still have ways to go before they reach equality. And the U.N. representative called it gender ideology and refused to sign on. This is a declaration on gender equality so milly mouth, Saudi a fucking rabia was willing to sign on, and the U.S. refused. And look, this isn't just an issue for women. The erosion of women's rights is a common tactic along the road to authoritarianism. It's straight out of the autocrats playbook, according to Harvard scholars Erica Chenoweth and Zoe Marks. You take the rights away from women, and you're halfway there.

And on that terrifying reminder, I'll wrap things up and hang you. you back over to Noah, Keith, and Deli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in judging a book by its cover news, J.D. Vance's job has gotten a lot harder over the last five weeks. Granted, up until now, his job has been limited to never say what you actually think of your boss in public and try not to fuck another couch. But ever since Trump launched a political albatross of a war, he found himself in the

difficult position of trying to support Trump without ever actually supporting the war that Trump started, which is hard to do with. fucking smoke bombs. Luckily, though, Vance has a well-timed book to distract people with. It's all about his journey to Catholicism and how that totally wasn't just a political expedient when he needed money from a Catholic donor. It was because of Jesus. It's a coincidence that I converted to the religion of the guy who gave me all that money.

Just a coincidence. And I got a software update from Palantir Glazed Jelly Boston Cream. They all make sense. I'm a normal person. So the book isn't out until June, but it's already generating a bit of controversy and not just because it's meant to humanize a morally bereft couch fucker in case Trump dies before his efforts to install himself as permanent God King are complete. No, the controversy here surrounds the cover photo.

See, the book is all about how Vance turned to the Catholic Church as an adult, but the church on the cover of the book isn't Catholic. Oh, come on, man. It's very clearly and obviously isn't Catholic, nor is it a church that Vance is a church that Vance has ever attended or has any connection to or has ever heard of it was literally just a stock photo of a church and uh i didn't get an advanced reader's copy or anything but i'm guessing the text has that same amount of can't be bothered to snap a pick out a car window level of attention detail you know what i'm saying jd jesus on the cross on that church has like 14 fingers

right yeah but you got an update and look i don't give a shit which church is on the cover of his fucking book. I'm totally fine with his publisher saying, you know, church and calling it a day because the less effort and thought that they put into the promotion of J.D. Vance's memoir, the better. But if the whole fucking point of the fucking book

is to say, this particular church is very important to me, the fact that he signed off on using some random Methodist church in Virginia is a pretty solid refutation of that core claim. And when the cover of your book is in a fight with the

contents of your book, that's probably noteworthy all by itself. Yeah, worth noting. And in Nonsense News, nice. Podcast listener, the point of this show is to bring awareness to the harms of religion. And to help everyday folks laugh in the face of the assholes who are doing those harms, we want you to know you're not alone, that you are not the crazy one and that we can and should hope for better. This is going to take a turn. But...

There it is. Sometimes we get news on this show that is just so damn wacky. We've got to cover it in the name of pure bliss. And that's what's on the menu next as I tell you this Better Be a Movie Soon story of three octogenarian nuns who are one step closer to getting to stay after breaking back into their lifelong home and monastery. Well, I feel like evicted 80-year-old nuns turning to a life

a crime falls under the harms of religion remit, you're good. All right, there we go. So first off, big thanks to Tucker for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com. Tucker for sending us this delightful Oscar-nominated, though not winning, film idea. You can choose the... I think it's going to get a numb. No, I don't think it's... You know, you don't get a nod.

Maybe it'll get like a best costuming or something like that. Yeah, cinematography. Maybe they get one of those in there. No. Original song? That'd be great. No, I'm not in a good year. Anyways, Tucker, for sending us this, you get to choose the part of Tuscany, we'll shoot this in, as well as which elderly British dame we offer which part.

Choose wisely, Tucker. More of them are dead than you remember. So, so plenty of choose from. Good. I don't know. Right. So this heartwarming family comedy comes to us from Salzburg, where in 2023, sisters Bernadette, Regina, and Rita, who are in their early to late 80s, were told by Provost Marcus Grasel. who will be played perhaps by Stanley Tucci or maybe Colin first.

Tuch would be perfect for that. Yeah, no, Tuch, yeah. Tuch was my heart, and then I was like, do a backup. You want to hold auditions, right? Chemistry reads. But he told them that they have to leave their castle slash monastery where they spent most of their lives and moved to an old age home. The nuns objected and claimed that the order violated their Stabilitis loci,

the vow of permanence a person entering a holy order is expected to make in return for their commitment towards them from the church. But the dastardly old provost would hear none of them. It's the sisterhood of the traveling manse. Oh, nice, nice. Also, how the fuck is a monastery, not an old age home? This is all redundant. I don't get it.

Yeah, exactly. But then, last summer, a group of loyal locals, including former students from the Catholic school, where the nuns taught, two of whom will, of course, realize they are in love, thanks to this adventure, staged a daring heist

to break the three sisters out of the old age home and back into the monastery where the three have remained under the care of the group since then. It's missionary impossible and I'm very excited. Oh, there you go. That's how we get best original song.

But in the movie, they'll be surrounded on the way out, right? And there'll be nowhere to go, but then somebody will accidentally kick over a box of rulers. right. The nuns will all just dive rolling three different directions. Start whacking knuckles like Yoda fighting Count Duku. It'll be fucking awesome.

Important. Incredible. Well, this week, a secret private donor in the movie, it's going to be the provost who's had a change of heart. Oh, nice. They have arranged for the three to have a private meeting with none other than the Pope himself. And sources in the Vatican say that Bab is open to the sisters remaining in their permanent residence. Old habits die hard.

There it is. There it is. By the way, if we want to do the movie right, and I know that Hollywood doesn't have the courage to do the movie right, but if we wanted to do it right, the Pope turns out to be in on it the whole time and they have to take him down once and for all. Ooh.

Well, Habits die hard with a vengeance. Yes. There you go. There you go. Anyways, look, I know that news isn't particularly religious, plus it happened, so there's not really a call to action. But damn, it's 2026.

and if you're a Hollywood big shot and you haven't reached out to me by now to buy the movie rights to my screenplay of this story, then you fucking hate money. Listen to the title. Old Abbots! We've even got a title. Old habits.

We've already written some of the score for you. It's so good. It is a musical. Yes. And finally tonight, in dronanism news, fantastic. The town of Manville, Texas

held a masturbatory Holy Week event that featured a drone-based depiction of, well, a guy getting torture murdered in the night sky. The CIA actually tried something like this to defeat Fidel Castro, and now it's an Easter thing for kids, too. Flying robots created this nightmare, light-bright tableau that told the Easter story, including the Last Supper,

Jesus nailed to the cross, his followers mourning after his death, and of course the floating ghost who still refuses to come back and do anything to help with anything. And as if they were trying to name the event during a sketch, it was dubbed, Jesus, Jesus. Still better than fireworks, but not by much. Sure. I still feel like they should only be allowed to use technology as antiquated as their worldview, right? They should have to do this shit with candles and ladders or something. And a big thanks to Peter for sending a link to scathing news at gmail.com. And for droninism, excellent work.

Peter has now established a deep friendship with Eli Bosnick and gets all the droninism benefits that come with that friendship. So if you brought your kids to this gathering for a fun hang after hunting eggs, here's what they saw. I put some photos of the highlights of this drone thing in the notes for you. Take a look. He has. Podcast listener, these are very intense.

Okay? Because, like, yeah, we got standard Roby Jesus. And we got Christ on the cross, which I know you would have to include. But like, you would not have to include that. No, you don't. No, you can't do the, I get to do one crucifixion. But the one that's really getting me here is we appear to have P.A. Tad drone Jesus.

as well. Can I say it's dwelling? It's dwelling. Okay, so here's the thing. If they can do that, then we can do laser eye, Jesus, stomping the town like Godzilla. Fares fair.

That's true. I'm just picturing Pete Hagseth. It is all empty whiteboard. Enormous drone display of Jesus on the cross in the street of the root. That's something. That's some kind of idea. And in case anyone wants to

traumatize some kids of your own. The dronetacular was produced by a company called Aerial Illuminations Drone Light Shows or Aidels. They received public money to send 10,000 drones into the sky. It started with like 5,000. The finale had about 10,000 drones.

Jesus. And the person in charge of that money was Manville Mayor, Danny Davis, who posted a very important government message. Reading, quote, in his final moments on the cross, Jesus turned to a broken man beside him and offered grace,

not condemnation, saying, today, you will be with me in paradise. Even at the end, it's never too late for mercy. End quote. I mean, close to the end. He did a bunch of whining

and yelling at his dad after that. Read your fucking book. That's not the end. In his defense, only two gospels can agree on what Jesus' final words were. Yeah. There's a good deal of dispute. And just a reminder about that Bible quote,

Jesus was talking to Dismas, known as the good thief because he repented. And now he's considered Saint Dismos, the patron saint of condemned prisoners, reformed thieves, and undertakers. Hmm. I guess there's a message in there for pro. life Christians in Texas. Something about good capital punishment? I don't know. But as

as far as Dismas could tell at the time, that was just some guy saying weird shit while they got killed together and torture. Right? Jesus was just a hippie rabbi at that point. I feel like Dismos said something like, cool, man, go fuck yourself. Or maybe just like, my

fucking arms! Yeah, right. And they cut that from the Bible story. Put it all in, liars. I'm not going going to write that part. I'm going to Subscribe. Write it all down. And while we wonder why it is that Texas can never find enough public money to supply its citizens with basic needs,

we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. And when we come back, we'll get to know Don Ford biblically. Hey, folks, I'm excited to announce that I'm teeming up with Seth Andrews of the Thinking Atheist podcast for a live event in Cincinnati on Saturday, on Saturday, July 11th. There will be fun. There will be games.

There will be prizes. There will be hate mail. And if you're in the area, you'll already be driving distance from the 10th annual Ark Park protest organized by the tri-state free thinkers, which is happening the following afternoon. And yes, I'll be speaking there too. So come spend a whole weekend with me in July. Tickets on are on sale for my live event with Seth at Sethandrews.com slash Cincinnati, or just follow the link in the show notes. The protest, of course, is free to attend, and you'll find links to more information about

that on the show notes as well. And now, back to the show. It's not about seeing the whales, Don. It's about the experience. Okay, so I'm guessing they said no to the refund. Yeah, they called the cops on him. I wasn't yelling, though. I was just, I was emphasizing my points.

Yeah. Hey, hey, guys. Are you ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act at the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Oh, hey, Don. When did you get here?

Oh, Eli said Fran Drescher's name three times backwards. Wait, are you the opposite of the? Fran Drescher? I'm afraid so, Noah. Interesting. Yeah, I see that. So, where were we? Philippians.

And did Paul actually write this one? Almost certainly. Yeah, it tracks with the language of the time. It matches his style. Seems historically grounded. Yeah, and it's filled with complaining and personal grudges. Oh, that's Paul. All right.

Hey, Philippians. It's me, Paul, here with Timothy in prison. Hi. Timothy says hi. Did you tell him I said hi? I did, yeah. Nice. As I sit here, awaiting my death,

I long for you in the bowels of Jesus Christ. You're not the only one, honey. Sassy-Ked Jesus, get back to heaven. It means earnestly. It just means earnestly. Oh, I know. I mean it earnestly, if you know what I mean. Anyways.

Okay. As I sit here thinking about how when I die, I'll go to heaven and be with Jesus. That actually seems pretty sweet. but being down here on earth, I can convince more people to love Jesus. Honestly, now that I think about it out loud in the Bible, it's probably better for anyone to be dead and saved than alive.

Like, hypothetically, if you could program a giant crushing machine to kill everyone on earth right after they were saved, that would be the best possible infinite outcome. But, uh, um, But don't do that, the crushing thing. Hey, hey, you okay? I'm fine. I said, don't do it. Be like Jesus, humble, for Christ did not compare himself to God.

Um, excuse me, Paul. Yes, aproprodite did he yes. Didn't Jesus say that he was God? Yeah, he did, but it wasn't a comparison. A weird distinction to draw. Is it? Is it? Yeah, it's just like you're the one who brought it up. Anyways, as I was saying,

is in the middle of a sentence, all must bend the knee to be the son of God. Oh, like Jesus? No, Jesus was God and the son of God. It's confusing. Oh, hey, I just remembered a part of the Bible. Timothy and Apodapidalus will be with you soon to tell you all about God.

All I said was... And I know you were really worried about Bapalapalus. when he was sick, but don't worry because God healed him, and he's going to come there now to you with his fucking follow-up question? Also, brothers, beware of dogs. Fuck you. I'll cut your goddamn head off.

Timothy, he means people who say Gentiles need to be circumcised, not actual dogs. Oh, okay, sorry. Wow, you had, I'll cut your head right off right in the chamber, huh? I said? I said, I'm sorry. Okay, just know that I noted it. Those guys just want to mutilate your flesh, so don't let them.

And I should know, because I was circumcised at eight days old, okay? And I could tell by the cut that that guy was, you know, in it for the love of the game. What? I'm just saying, I know, okay? I know. We should really stop delivering these letters. In conclusion, oh, wow, these are getting short. Jesus is coming back very, very soon.

so anybody who is fighting among us should make up. Udius, synactity, talking to you guys. Paul? Yeah, what's up? Do you, I mean, do you maybe want to leave this personal chastisement

of two otherwise unknown people you know out of the Bible? Or perhaps lend it some context. No, I actually, I do not want to do either of those things. They know what they did, They know how I feel about it and that's enough now. Okay?

It's enough. This feels like relationship drama, right? Totally relationship drama. I'm not taking sides. Okay, and then we're on to Colossians. Oh, I hear this one is huge. Right. So is this one written by...

Because Colossus. We got it. I heard it. Did Paul write this one? We think so. Do we think so? one is also extremely bitchy? Pretty much, yeah.

It's nice to have a brand. Yeah, yeah, I guess. Don's, for some fantasy and adventure. I mean, yeah. To the Colossians from Paul and Timothy, our brother. Hi, Colossians. I write to you today to say. Sorry, you didn't tell him I said hi.

I told him you were here. You let me tell the Philippines. I said hi, though. Like overtly say it. Okay, but I didn't get to say hi in the last. one. He just mentioned I was here. Whatever Balke-bitokamist, you get to do a field trip in the last one. You're fine.

Okay, nobody's saying hi this time. Okay? We're all just here. We are here. Close. You're mad at me because I didn't say hi. When I did say hi, I had actually said hi. As I was saying. As I was saying, you all have some questions about Jesus when he's in his God form, which is understandable because you all saw him when he was a guy.

So when he's God, he's invisible. That's important. Okay, but God is visible, right? Yes, because Moses saw him. Yeah, so his butt. Right, yeah. So not Jesus God. Also, he existed before everything else,

and he's the only thing to be born from something dead. Sorry, sorry, how can he be born from the dead if he was the first thing to exist? Yeah. Yes, also, what dead thing was God born from? None of that matters, actually. I have so many questions. We're moving on from this. I just want to take a moment to say,

I'm glad that the suffering of my flesh will make up for whatever isn't covered by Jesus' sacrifice. Are you sure that's like opposite? What do you mean by that? No, I'm just saying like if someone needs a top-up of salvation, I helped. Okay, wait, so did an old God

die and then our godly came out of him? I knew you'd get stuck on this. Yes. Okay, so now I want to address all the laws around food. Oh, good, because those have been really confusing. Yeah, and let me make it super simple. For the record, none of those count anymore.

Oh, really? Because you've made a bunch of food rules. Okay, I did, but at least I'm not like, touch not, taste not, you know? Sorry, do you want to put your sarcastic impersonation of the Bible into the Bible? Like right now? Yeah, it's like a fun bit.

Okay, did I say the slaves obey your master's thing yet? Oh, you kind of doubled down on it. Okay, well, I'd like to say it again here. Okay, but again, aren't you worried that having an inherent disrespect for human dignity in the Bible is a bad thing?

You know what? That's a great point. We should mention explicitly that God doesn't respect anyone here. Can we do that? Can we say that? I mean, you can. Nice. In conclusion, any questions you may have can be answered by the epistle to Laudisia. Wait, wait, what?

Yeah, you haven't written that yet. I know, I'm just, I'm like getting ahead of it. It's like a little call. Okay, but, but are you sure that won't like, be wildly confusing and lead to centuries of fraud? No, I'm going to, I'm going to get around to it. Oh, like, uh, your blog. It's on a hiatus, okay? And that is Colossians.

Not a ton to be found there. Nice and short, though. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Well, hey, if you like them short, you're going to love our next book, First Thessalonians. And did Paul write this one?

Oh, definitely. Yeah, it's actually the earliest New Testament writing that we definitely have. All right, I can't wait to hear it. Okay, guys, I'm ready to write to the Thassalonians. Oh, that's amazing, Paul. They've really been waiting to hear from you. I know.

I know. I got a little caught up, but I'm going to make it up to them with this letter. Were you, like, a hiatus or something? Okay, writing. Dear Thessalonians, first of all, I hear you guys are amazing. Like, you guys are praying so good.

That's a very good start. Yeah. It's like, honestly, you guys, you don't even need an epistle. Like, you probably would have come to the perfect truth about Christ on your own without me. That's how good. But it's a little far.

But, okay, but, but I am, in fact, writing to you to say that we are not conmen. So weird vibe. Well, we're not. And we didn't lie or cheat or steal when we visited you. We actually worked super hard for Jesus while we were there. So just, you know, if you hear otherwise, those people are lying. Um, Paul, who are you responding to? Okay, so here's the thing about the Jews, okay?

Wait, I'm sorry, you mean us? No, no, I mean the un-Jesus Jews. So they killed Jesus, and they're just like, when you're talking to a Jewish person, it just, everything feels like an argument, you know? You can't have a conversation. Like, everything's a weird word contest, and it's just like have a conversation. It's just talking to talk. Not worse than not writing them a letter at all.

Anyways, God's wrath will be especially hard on them. God's wrath. Oh, yeah, pin in that. The point is, we would have come to visit them, but Satan stopped us. What? How did he do that? Oh, I'll tell you. Oh, man, I can't wait to see the Thassalonians, Timothy.

Oh, me either, Jesus. Epp, app, app. Stop right there. Uh, what's this? TSA. What's a TSA? The Satanic administration. I've never heard of that.

Yeah, no, well, we've heard of it now because we're a government agency for safety. Take it off your shoes. Um, okay. Why? For safety. Unless, of course, you paid to not take off your shoes. Wait, sorry, how is this a safety check if we can pay to skip it? Are you a private company?

No. No, that's, that's her over there. What up? You don't want to join Clear? Sorry, there are two paid services to skip a safety check. The safety check, yeah, yeah. Now, put some of the stuff in the bag in a bin and keep the rest in the other bin. Wait, why? So I can check it.

Okay, first of all, why are you angry about this? You created the safety check. And second, if you're checking everything, why am I separating it into separate bins? Do you want to stand in the normal line? What's the normal line? It's that one. It's the one over there. Oh, okay. Is it longer? No. No, but they have to take their shoes off.

And we don't? No, well, no, you do. Then why are there two lines? Well, because sometimes you don't have to take your shoes off in this line. When? I don't know, actually. Running a special over here. Why are you running a special over here?

Why are you running a special on a safety check? Anyways, you guys, the Thassalonians, you don't have to worry about that because God loves you guys. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, like, when Jesus descends from heaven with a shout and all the dead rise, they're going to be fine. Sorry, when the dead do what?

Oh, yeah, yeah, did I not mention the time Jesus told me there were going to be zombies? No! No. You did not mention them. That's absolutely not. Oh, yeah. Like, no big deal, but the clouds are going to open up,

and he's going to descend from the heaven with a shout. And it's going to be the shout of an archangel, and then there's going to be a trumpet. How did you not mention this yet? You're going to want to let me finish the whole thing before you come at me with that energy, just so you know. So then all the believers will rise from the dead. That's the zombies.

Then those of us who are alive will be raised up to the clouds to meet Jesus in the air. Sort of like a halfway point thing, and then we'll be with him forever, so, you know, take comfort. Well, you wrote like five letters about how slaves should obey their masters, and you're just now mentioning zombies

and meeting Jesus in the air? Okay, I was building a moment. Okay, are you building two other stuff that you want to tell us about, like, rising to heaven and Jesus coming back to earth and zombies? No. It feels like you were lying. No, no.

lying. Oh, he's totally lying. Oh. Okay. I can tell you guys are a little freaked out about the zombie thing. Very much so. Yes, why you mention it until now.

So this is why I didn't mention it till now because I feel like now that I've talked about the zombies, everyone's going to ignore the other important parts of my letter. Well, you mean the minor and conflicting alterations that you've made to rabbinical food laws? Yes.

Yemen, we're more interested in the zombie thing. Okay, fine, fine. So it's going to be a day, just like any other day. Everything's going to be great. And then, boom. Jesus, like a thief in the night. Like childbirth, just like, boom. Sudden. Childbirth has a nine-month lead-up time. I meant the water-breaking part in the movies, not the... Got it. The whole thing. But don't worry, because we, us Christians, We're all going to be ready. When that time comes, we will be faithful and waiting and totally prepared for that moment. And when is that moment?

Any second now, boys. Any second now? Feels like you're pausing for something. Sorry, I thought it might happen right then. Um, uh-uh. No? No, no, okay, it's not. Never mind.

Never mind. Got it. And with that 2,000-year-old assurance that it'll be any second, now we're going to wrap things up for the moment. But next month we'll inch ever closer to the unadulterated bat shittery of revelation with another installment of Bible peace deal. Before we get to crafting next week's show, I want to remind you to check the show notes for more info about my upcoming event with Seth Andrews.

It should be a ton of fun. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on a lookout for a brand new episode of our sister-so's hot friend Godafel movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our half-stress-so citation needed

debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would only be a how if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for the late nights, Eli Bosnick, for the early mornings and Lucinda Lusindilusions for all the times in between. I also want to thank Don Ford, voice of fantasy and adventure for always being

such a good sport about the crazy shit Eli puts him through. I also want to thank Justin from Secular AA, Australia for providing this week's Farnsworth, quote, and for letting me know that secular AA is a thing. Here's hoping it's more effective than the religious version. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Liam, Jim, Lars, Stanley, Toots Not a Robot, Toast, Jhaji, Princess of Power, Grumpy, Grumpy, Grumpy, G., Fethersnow, Casey, Alex G., and Leap is a cinematic masterpiece.

Liam, Lars, and Stanley, whose orgasms could violate a ceasefire, Toots, Toast, Jagee, and Grumpy, who are hotter than the steaming Hell, Trump, keeps it legally threatening to turn Iran into, and feathers know Casey, Alex G. And Leap, who are sexy enough to turn it into the gay of whore moves. I don't know what gender it is now, so the joke works either way. Together, these 13 thinky thirst traps thought they'd thoroughly thwart the theeocrats this week by giving us money. Not everybody has money, but if you do, we'd like some. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists,

whereby you'll learn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at scathingaith.com. And if you'd like to help but not in a money kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. As being a social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Kirk, who also wrote the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at stake. Do you happen to write some of this on the plane, Eli? Just stay standing in line thinking.

Yeah, you don't have TSA in clear, do you? This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-245 or on their website at creator accountability network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.