The Scathing Atheist - 697: Graham Cracker Edition

Episode Date: July 23, 2026

In this week’s episode, the IRS gets a little closer to putting the ‘lock’ in Greg Locke, we learn that Jesus was probably just using an infinite lives glitch, and Lindsey Graham will hear about... that cheat a little too late.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: scathingnews@gmail.comTo check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Guest Links:Come see us live in Washington, DC on August 14th!: https://www.atlasarts.org/events/god-awful-movies/Come see Noah in Ontario at BAHACon: https://bahacon.com/If you wanna check out the RPG from the Farnsworth Quote, it’s available as a pdf on DriveThruRPG here:https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/556997/seventh-day-angels-in-the-darkand Itch.io here:https://psychogenesis-games.itch.io/seventh-day---Headlines:Sarah Huckabee Sanders wins the FIFA Peace Prize of Religious liberty awards: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/arkansas-won-a-fake-religious-liberty and https://x.com/SarahHuckabee/status/2078196033041895549 Also, American Atheists’ version if you want a reasonable version of this: https://states.atheists.org/state-scorecardsMIT scientist explains how the theory we're living in a simulation could prove Christianity righthttps://www.dailymail.com/sciencetech/article-15960417/mit-scientist-simulation-theory-christianity.html Jack White Invites Satanic Doo-Wop Duo Twin Temple To Open After Charley Crockett Drops Them For Being Satanichttps://stereogum.com/2504853/jack-white-invites-satanic-doo-wop-duo-twin-temple-to-open-after-charley-crockett-drops-them-for-being-satantic/newshttps://freespeechunion.org/news/archbishops-of-canterbury-and-york-accused-of-censorship-after-theyGreg Locke’s home raided: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2026/07/feds-raid-home-of-hate-pastor-who-destroyed-a-barbie-dream-house-with-a-bible-baseball-bat/Why Orthodox Jews are opposing the new daylight saving bill in Congresshttps://www.npr.org/2026/07/16/g-s1-133961/why-orthodox-jews-are-opposing-the-new-daylight-saving-bill-in-congress

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Starting point is 00:00:00 There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at bellair direct.com. Morning, this podcast contains adult language and juvenile language, often in the same word. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by Quince and by Dr. Fossburn's House of Penis Reattachment Surgery. Dr. Fossburn's House of Penis Reattachment Surgery. No particular reason why we owe them a couple of free plugs on the show. No reason at all.
Starting point is 00:00:34 And now, the scathing atheist. Have you ever thought that the war in heaven would make a pretty good D&D campaign if the Christians didn't insist the stupid thing was real? Then check out seventh day, a forged-in-the-dark tabletop role-playing game available on drive-through RPG and itch.io. And remember that unlike angels, humans did in fact devolve from filthy monkey people. Thursday. It's July 23rd. And third place is still pretty good if you think about it. It is. I'm no illusions.
Starting point is 00:01:22 I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Michael Marshall. And from Karen O's New Jersey, Liverpool, England, and Waycross, Georgia, this is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Greg Locke finds some legal trouble. We'll find out that Jesus was probably just using an infinite lives glitch. And Lindsay Graham will learn about their cheat code a little too late. But first, the diet. a tribe. So one of the things that really fucked me up at the Ark Park protest last weekend is that
Starting point is 00:02:02 the Ark Park people sort of mingled in with the crowd for a while. See, the park had sent this contingent of employees to get video and pon atheists and shit. And most of them were wearing uniforms that made it clear who they were, but some of them also weren't. And they caught me off guard more than once because, you know, I was around my atheism people. There are certain people in my life that I only see during conferences and live shows, and those are situations where you can just be as atheist as you want to be about shit. So here I am roaming around in this crowd, accidentally striking up conversations with Christians and just going, well, so this Jesus stuff, that's a bunch of bullshit, right? Am I right? Where are you going? And look, even after they'd
Starting point is 00:02:43 been briefed on what to expect in the lion's den, so to speak, Ken Ham's emissaries were not ready for me. You can tell by the expression on their face every time I would say something. than like, oh, fuck him in his hand holes. Right? I mean, there was the initial shock of hearing fuck, followed by the slow dawning realization of what I just said. And then the even slower
Starting point is 00:03:05 and more spiritually devastating realization that they just pictured it. Good times. But of course, it wasn't just blasphemies on a level that they'd never dreamed possible that we had to offer because the ones who weren't identifying themselves as initiates of the Ark Park cult
Starting point is 00:03:20 were exposing themselves to a bunch of atheist conversation. They were trying to move among us and learn our ways to some degree. And it created all these amazing moments where biblical literalists who argue for a 6,000-year-old earth actually got the responses that their intellectual products merit. And that's something that pretty much never happens to Christians in America, no matter how ridiculous the beliefs they're espousing are. So from what I could see, their first goal was to find points of common ground.
Starting point is 00:03:50 right i'm sure this was step one in some rhetorical jiu jutsu flow chart they'd been armed with on the way in you know get us agreeing with something that we all mutually believe to soften us up make friends of us whatever and the way that most of them would go about this is to sort of soft pedal their bullshit right they would sidle up to a heathen they'd not along with whatever they said first and then they'd toss out something like well you know but i could see how a reasonable person might take issue with the theory of evolution and then just hope to get some takers and i'm sure that in the role play they did at Bible study in the weeks leading up to this,
Starting point is 00:04:24 the people play on the atheists just lap that shit up. But the reality of it was nothing like that at all. Right? Because they would say something like that. And invariably, the atheists they're talking to that they just outed themselves to would go like, oh, is it because nobody ever explained evolution to you or because you refused to understand them when they did?
Starting point is 00:04:43 Right? The creationist would go, well, I think the most important thing is that everyone's exercising their religious freedom and the atheists would go, well, they're spending my fucking tax dollars to do it so they can eat a festering dick. And look, that's what these people generally deserve. That is the reception that they are owed, not just at a protest of atheists, but anywhere at a fucking dinner party or a blind date or a chance encounter at the cartoon-themed S&M parlor.
Starting point is 00:05:09 And if their ideas weren't cloaked in the cultural armor of Christianity, it's the reception they would get, at least a lot more often than they do. but we carve out social exceptions for even the most laughable beliefs if they're filed under religious in general and Christian in particular. And sure, Christians are used to hearing this kind of shit online. I guess some of them are anyway, right? The Ken Ham accolites that are such gluttons for punishment that they show up at the arc park protest. They've heard all of this and worse online. But there's a sort of like an assumption of inhumanity that goes with online interactions most of the time.
Starting point is 00:05:42 It's a different thing when it's said without malice. You know, even before they betrayed themselves as believers, we mocked Young Earth creationist beliefs with the kind of casual derision that those beliefs deserved. And I think it was genuinely one of those cases where the fact that it wasn't personal made it cut all that much deeper. They're talking about your Jesus. May I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Pumba and Timoan of the podcast, Eli Bosnick and Michael Marshall fellas. Are you ready to hacoon the matron? Tata. I love that Eli isn't even going to pretend to wonder which of us is the flatulent
Starting point is 00:06:20 warthog of the night. Definitely not. Definitely not. But to be fair, bugs are way better than British foods. So this is going to be nothing for Mars. Right. There you know. And quick before we get to all those Kings a Lion, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Quince. Nice. Thank you. Oh, please, Eli. It's like 10 p.m. where I am right now. I have told you marshmallow It is post-lunch break That isn't a thing Hey guys
Starting point is 00:06:48 Once with all the barbbery You find a new one Oh I've actually been saving that one for Marsh Nice No no I appreciate that Yeah Eli won't finish the podcast Because of his pants His pants
Starting point is 00:06:58 Did he poop himself again No No I got these sweet European linen pants And now I'm living the European Lifestyle All thanks to Quince Cigarette
Starting point is 00:07:10 And no thanks to quince Nice. What's Quince? They focus on well-made essentials that naturally become those everyday staples you actually live in all season long. Everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. That's why I, Eli Bosnick, personally endorse Quince. Did you fill my backpack with Quassels?
Starting point is 00:07:37 A batting gift, marshmallow. A badding gift. All right, Eli, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash scathing for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash scathing for free shipping and 365-day returns.
Starting point is 00:07:58 Quince.com slash scathing. Awesome, Eli. Thanks. Great. Can we get back to work now? Am I afraid not mash me alone. Now it is time for a post-break coffee nap coffee. Yeah, I just got you there, Marsh.
Starting point is 00:08:12 And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Republicans got Ben out of shape a couple of weeks ago when CNBC updated its list of the 10 worst states to live in, and they all turned out to be Republican-led. Because Republicans are bad at governance and the people that elect them are stupid. Or evil and rich. Sometimes all three. Or evil and stupid rich. But in an effort to remind us that they're actually great at stuff that doesn't involve. quality of life. First Liberty Institute's Center for Religion, Culture, and Democracy put up
Starting point is 00:08:47 their rankings of the states based on religious liberty. And in their rankings, eight of the top ten states actually are Republicans. So fuck your whore mother, CNBC. Okay. To be fair, we'll make up our own objective measures is a deeply Republican move. No. No, to be clear, religious liberty does matter. Even as an eight, atheist activist, I recognize that the ability of people to exercise their religions freely is an important barometer of freedom. Yeah, I mean, it's at least as important as your right to tell them they're wrong about that. Well, I don't know about it at least, but yes, it's very important.
Starting point is 00:09:25 But yeah, so an honest ranking of states by their relative religious freedom would be super useful. In fact, it is super useful. American atheist does it. It's called the State of the Secular States Report. And it ranks states based on shit like, you know, tax exemptions for churches, religious displays in schools and child negligence exemptions for faith healing. And by that measure, the state of, say, Arkansas does really, really bad.
Starting point is 00:09:52 So it should be no surprise that they took first place in the first Liberty Institute's rankings. Yeah. If your sexual liberation scale adds points for how often you let people fuck the bread at the grocery store, I mean, you're tracking something, but it's not sexual liberation. Oh, my God. Dude, of all your bread fucking analogies on this show, That might have been the most apt. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:10:15 It comes up for me a lot. It does. I think I might want to fuck bread. I think so too. Is it a certain type of bread? Are we talking baguettes, breadsticks? You know what? I had an answer right away, Marsha,
Starting point is 00:10:26 and that's a real revelation for me, is that it was just top of the dome. So it was bagels, right? Oh, if it wasn't bagels, does a problem. No, what? You're not fucking, a bagel is just a built-in. No, you want to earn it with a brio.
Starting point is 00:10:41 But you're not crazy. Ryle will make you sick. Okay. No, that's true. That's true. Yeah. So what earned Arkansas its poll position? Well, for one thing, priests don't have to tell cops about pedophiles if they made a religious pinky promise to the contrary.
Starting point is 00:10:57 Also, judges are allowed to cite religion as a valid excuse to discriminate against same-sex couples who want to get married. They also praised Arkansas's willingness to let clergy spread disease during the COVID-19 pandemic. And their refusal to enforce adequate vaccination standards for their. schools was a plus. Right. So it's like Arkansas, where your child has the God-given right to get measles from their molester, as long as they don't have to see a gay person. That is what they have on the license plate now. Yeah. Uh-huh. So by any reasonable standard, taking the top spot on this list would be a mark of shame. So it should come as no surprise that Sarah Huckabee Sanders held a whole fucking press conference to brag about it. Really? Noah, we're covering a Sarah
Starting point is 00:11:40 Huckabee Sanders press conference when Heath is on vacation. This is cool. I know, like I almost framed the whole story around that, around how bad I felt about it. But yeah, she stepped up to her very stylish lectern last week to brag about winning the fucking FIFA peace prize of religious liberty awards. Oh, yeah. Speaking to people who won't tell the cops about paedophiles. Yeah. Wait, FIFA or Trump?
Starting point is 00:12:04 I genuinely don't know which. Sarah Huckney Sanders. Yeah, right. And in her acceptance speech, she actually highlighted just how shitty Arkansas actually is when it comes to religious freedom by saying, quote, well, I'll do the voice. Our rights come from God, not government, and every American should be free to live according to their faith and conscience. End quote. Except wherein she violated that right at the beginning of the sentence. Other than that, though.
Starting point is 00:12:31 Okay. Well, no, she could dramatically just be saying that that should be free. Right. Yes. But she's not, like it's a hypothetical for her. And to further emphasize the newspeak nature of the award, she went on to use the speech to brag about how transphobic her state was, pretend atheists are mad at her for celebrating Christmas,
Starting point is 00:12:49 and she closed the speech by saying, quote, In this administration, we don't just believe that Jesus is our living hope. We will always stand up for the rights of Arkansasans who believe the same, end quote. The clear implication, of course, being that they would not stand up for those who believe otherwise, which... That's, yeah, that's what that sentence says. Yeah, exactly. And, by the way, was the only honest moment in the whole fucking press conference. And in The Devil Makes Verk for Aidal Handels.
Starting point is 00:13:19 That's actually really fucking good. You just don't know it. It'll take a while. It'll take a while to get there. 1999 to The Matrix left us with some positive legacies. The birth of the home DVD market. The Resurrection of Keanu Reeves' career. The site of Carriand Moss in those leather pants. good stuff, but it also came with some downsides, like the red and blue pill analogy that in cells and racists would go on to make their whole personality. And the undergrad stoner-level
Starting point is 00:13:48 philosophy of what if Plato's cave, but like digital and with more goo? Yes, a greenery. Yes. Do you ever think the robots watch us now and they're like, guys, they would have voted for us if we had just been racist. We didn't even, we wasted all this. Yeah, right. We didn't eat go. I mean, goo was so hard to make as robots. If we're listing the downsides, it feels almost dishonest to leave out the sequels, Marsh, but yeah. Okay, that's fair. That's very fair. The sequels, the rise of white supremacy.
Starting point is 00:14:24 Well, since then, the fear that we're all just living in a big simulation has had a pretty tight hold on a certain type of guy. And you know the type. The kind who corners you at parties to evangelize a person. about the blockchain and who classifies every man he meets by what kind of wolf they are, and then every female by what her value would be in the sexual marketplace. You know, dickbags is what I'm saying. That's the term. Okay.
Starting point is 00:14:50 I showed you my furry friend fiction that I wrote about the podcast averse in confidence. Yeah. Marsh. Maybe some non-dick bags just cling to that hope to keep alive the idea that we as a species are too smart to elect Donald Trump. it's that for something. Yeah. Okay. Well, if you give those dickbags, even quarter of a chance, they're going to tell you that not only is it possible that we are living in a computer simulation, but that it's outright likely. Given that in a near infinite universe, it is statistically true
Starting point is 00:15:22 that a civilization will arise that will be able to create a perfect simulation of life. And once that simulation is created, it's there forever. And forever is like a long time. It is. So we are more likely than not to. be in a post-simulation universe. So goes the argument from people like Nick Bostrom and believed by tech bro idiots like Elon Musk and Peter Thiel. I don't know. All of those arguments sounded really rock solid and I agree with all of them right now,
Starting point is 00:15:52 Marsh. Tell me more. Well, obviously this is stupid because, first of all, it never presents any actual evidence that it's true. Sure. The only argument that its performance can muster is that you can't prove it isn't true because every piece of disconformatory argument or logic can just be wrapped back into the, ah, but they designed the simulation to work that way, argument.
Starting point is 00:16:14 But the thing is, you could therefore make an identically strong case for the mutually exclusive ideas that the universe was, say, hoofed into existence by a wizard, or imagined into being by a telepathic X-Man. Essentially, it's just a religious argument. You have to have faith that there's a they out there, and also that it's a they out there, and also that it's the specific they that they tell you they are. And also that they created and also presumably maintained this simulation so perfectly that you just can't see those joints. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:47 My favorite version of this argument is that they would probably create multiple simulated universes. So, like, say, for example, that they created 11 of them. But then, because there's only one real universe, that means that we're 11 times more likely to be in a simulation than a real one. Yes, statistics are dumb, dumb statistics. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. Because you don't create the premise. Well, all of that became even more clear how stupid it is this week, where the Daily Mail
Starting point is 00:17:20 reporting that an MIT scientist, no less, has explained how the theory that we're living in a simulation could prove Christianity right. And that MIT scientist in question is Rizvan Verk, hence the bit of a bit of, you know, and the bit of the headline pun that definitely didn't land when you first heard it. But feel free to rewind and then check it again so you can appreciate it the second time around. Verk is a Joe Rogan guest, a former guest. And he's also the author of the SEO hackily titled book, The Simulation Hypothesis, Colon, an MIT computer scientist shows why AI, quantum physics, and Eastern Mystics all agree we are in a video game.
Starting point is 00:17:58 That's the title of the book. Well, if the Eastern Mystics are in. Yeah, the simulation refusal. An NYU trained actor rejects the premise. Now, according to Verc, many of Christianity's core beliefs are a natural fit with the idea that our world is just a digital simulation and that the soul is the player of the game, as he puts it. Which, if that is true, I would point out the tutorial section of that game is just way too long and repetitive. And I really want to know the creative vision behind it involving you shitting yourself for so many years of that tutorial. No, honestly, that was great practice for my game, Marsh.
Starting point is 00:18:41 Yeah, I actually need that. It depends on what class you choose, I guess. IBS class. So what evidence does this MIT trained scientist, remember, offer to scientifically prove his simulation idea? Well, he says there's the biblical book of life. Oh. Which lists all of the names of people who are going to go to heaven. And he said that resembles a complete recording of every action taken in the simulation.
Starting point is 00:19:07 I guess, kind of like a high score leaderboard or something. So, yeah, score one to the simulation theory there scientifically. Yeah. And I'm not living a weird life. I'm doing a jerking off to Harry Potter fan fiction speed run, everybody. Well, there you go. Yeah. No, that thing that doesn't exist, though, does resemble that other thing that doesn't exist.
Starting point is 00:19:29 got us there, Marsh. I think. They've got at least one thing in common. Yeah, absolutely. To add to that then, he says, there's obviously, there's quantum physics. Oh, I bet he gets that right. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because experiments, they change depending on whether there's an observer there or not, which
Starting point is 00:19:45 is just like how video games only render the parts of the map that are necessary at that moment. You know, proof if proof be needed. Yeah, and blind people are actually just using the old style of HDMI cable. Right. I know if they were just on it and plug it back in.
Starting point is 00:20:00 Yeah, they're on a Scartley. That's the problem. Nobody tell them that video games also render the parts that we check on afterwards. It'll break his little heart. He wrote a whole book. Yeah. Well, like, if that somehow, and I don't understand how, but if that somehow hasn't convinced you,
Starting point is 00:20:16 think about how in movies when characters have a near-death experience, they say they've seen the whole life flashing front of their eyes. And how, because that's so common in pop culture, people think that actually happens in real life? Well, isn't that a bit like someone replaying a record of events that have happened in the simulation? Oh, like at the end of a
Starting point is 00:20:36 Forza race? Yeah, exactly. It's actually the highlights. Yeah, exactly. Because the only way you could literally watch back all of the events that all literally happened throughout your life would be if they were recorded somewhere and then you were just hitting replay. And there is no other explanation for why people believe that thing
Starting point is 00:20:52 that they've seen happens in films. Okay. To be fair, Mark, I feel like if this guy accepted the other explanation is your lying, a lot about his life would have to change, right? Like, he'd really have to do some work. Well, yeah, he'd have to end his long-distance relationship with Keanu Reeves, for example. Exactly. And look, really obviously, this is all just ridiculous, grasping at straws and attempting to
Starting point is 00:21:17 affirm the consequent. You know, he's starting with the desire to justify religion, and then he's working back to just fill in with whatever's trendy right now. because he's not really dealing with any of the part of Christianity that don't fit his theory. Like, for example, why the homophobia if simulation? Why make some people be born trans and then punish them for that if it's a simulation? Why would the manual for your video game have an awful lot to say about which fabrics you can and can't wear and which food you can eat, but nothing really about raping and enslaving?
Starting point is 00:21:49 Why would your video game include baby cancer? Oh, written by Sam Link. So at best, I'd say you can say that Verk and his ilk, they don't actually believe any of this, but they're just cashing in on aligning themselves with the belief system of the people with all the power and the money. But at worst, it's an illustration of how the people in big tech are so persuaded of their own intelligence and importance that they'll convince themselves that their primitive superstitions are actually deep technological insights. Right. Right. Which only ever works out for us when they try to try to. treat their pancreatic cancer with a vegan diet. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:29 But honestly, that should be the worry here. Not that there's a super intelligent being that's secretly running our world as a simulation, but that the people with all the power and connections who are genuinely running our actual world have too little intelligence to see where their faith and where their wishful thinking is clouding them from this reality. Because that's a problem. Because when it comes to our real world with the society that they're corroding and the environment that they're destroying, we can't just reload from a previous save point.
Starting point is 00:22:59 No, no. And in Crocket of shit news, country musician Charlie Crockett is a chicken shit fancy boy who dresses like a cowboy to hide the fact that he looks like an algebra teacher with an impossibly tall head. And he plays the laziest possible genre of music. Yeah, I had to look this guy up. Like, weirdly, he, I think he looks like a Swedish tourist who's been sold to those like fake old time he wanted post of photo shoots at some mall somewhere. And then he's decided to make that his entire look for life. He really does.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Yeah. Yeah. So when people on Facebook got mad that his opener was a satanic duwob band this week, he fired them. But then the world found out. And now he's reaping the all scared little boy consequences. So we're going to talk about it. Okay.
Starting point is 00:23:47 But before we do, I want to point out that techno is the laziest possible music. The problem with country music isn't that it. sucks is that it's fandom sucks so bad that they only elevate the parts of it that suck like Charlie Crockett. That makes sense. How dare you speak against techno? Got me through my 20s. Right. So I'm speaking in defensive fucking country and your wife appreciates it. Okay. So first off, big thanks to Chad for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com. Chad, for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com. If you were to open for us at a live show. We would never fire you for the demon that you worship. We would fire you for touching Heath's
Starting point is 00:24:26 backstage keto snacks. Scathing News at Gmail.com. And when you saw how Heath got about it, you'd be glad that we just fired. You'd be grateful. Yeah. And to be clear, Heath's backstage keto snacks is not a euphemism for his ass. Just to be absolutely, because it could help him, but it isn't. It's not. No. So the band that matters is Twin Temple. They have songs like, let's have a satanic orgy, Lucifer, my love, burn your Bible and sex magic, all in 1960s
Starting point is 00:24:55 duwob style. So it's pretty hard to make the argument that Crockett wasn't aware of their brand. Or if he wasn't, he and his management team are fucking idiots. Right? Yeah, exactly. Because what actually do we think happened here? Is it that they
Starting point is 00:25:11 booked the act without in any way checking, which would obviously be incompetent? Or is it that they knew and then booked them without thinking about how their audience would react, which would also be incompetent. The only thing that wouldn't reflect badly on them at the stage is if supporting acts in that state were assigned on a similar kind of system
Starting point is 00:25:28 to like jury duty. Or like, you know, when teachers decide the pairing for class assignment and they always keep the friends apart to try and mix things up a bit? Guys, I feel like maybe Charlie Crockett just doesn't have a lot to pick from. Right? Like, it was either these guys or his cousin's band that said they'd do it for exposure.
Starting point is 00:25:46 Yeah, yeah. Well, luckily for Twin Temple, when news of their firing was announced, they got a way, way better offer from motherfucking Jack White, who posted on Instagram, Twin Temple. Would you like to open my show in L.A. on September 29th at the Hollywood Palladium? Let me know. Get in front of me, Satan. Nice. Okay. But wow, Jack White. That is an amazing gig to get, given that it's currently 2007 still. I actually totally knew who that was without Googling. Also, Charlie Crockett, I knew who both of those people were. So obviously, the public has loved this heartwarming story of a real musician who doesn't believe in evil goat demons giving young artists a chance. And in grand Christian tradition, Crockett took to social media to have a bitch about the consequences of his action saying, quote, I won't conform.
Starting point is 00:26:46 and I'm not sorry. There are many things I've done in my life to apologize for, but this ain't one of them. No, the cowboy hat, though, that's at least four of them. I might wake up at 1 p.m. on the back of that bus and find out that the opener ain't working for me that night. Okay, so he's gone with incompetence. He's gone with incompetence then.
Starting point is 00:27:05 Tough luck. Life is hard. This ain't no temp agency. Get to stepping. Shit. You might get you a life-changing gig just by standing next to me. That's magic. Well, it seems like these guys got a life-changing gig from stepping away from you with them. I'm not going to advertise my charity out here because as soon as you do, it ain't nothing but self-promotion.
Starting point is 00:27:27 I'm not on the left. I'm not on the right. I'm on the road. And that's a hard way to go. Believe me, the pace would kill you, Bronc. He's calling us Bronc, apparently. I know he means bronco, but I'm picturing bronchitis. I'm thinking Brontosaurus and he just misspelled this line. I'm thinking Brontosaurus. I don't give a damn whether you think I'm right or wrong. Have you noticed that the only people
Starting point is 00:27:53 you've ever heard say ever that they're neither on the left or the right have been identifiably on the right every single time without failure. Yes, yes. I love dressing up as capitulation to prudish fans online as a failure to conform. I go my own way
Starting point is 00:28:08 just as soon as the Twitter poll tells me which way my way is. outlaw country. He concludes, and really listen to the dissent into psychosis here, because it's a good one. I love what I do, and I'm grateful for the privilege every minute. And if everybody disappears, they're gonna. I'll go back to the street corner where I started. Hell, sometimes I dream about it.
Starting point is 00:28:33 Shout out to Angel in New Orleans, who told me that if you want to get high, boy, you've got to start down low. Is he talking about the time he gave blow jobs on street corners? because it definitely feels like the time I think it's like that. I found that about the only help you get out here is in this business is when they lower the box. Also, other people plug in all my shit
Starting point is 00:28:56 to my instruments, carry my equipment, and get my food. But other than that, I'm on my own. Outlaw country. So, yeah, that was a normal reaction to literally nobody talking to him or mentioning him at all. and he shut down his Facebook page's comment.
Starting point is 00:29:15 So, yeah, I guess he's just getting a head start on the street corner, blowjob business again. In the meantime, I'm going to bliss out to some satanic duop with Twin Temple. Oh, well, there you go. And in Lock, Lockup News. Greg Locke's life is unraveling before our eyes, and that's always fun to watch. Now, it's hard in this story to tease out what really happened
Starting point is 00:29:38 because our chief source for everything is Greg Locke, And the only time he consistently speaks without lying is he, well, right. No, yeah, the only time he's not lying is at the fucking drive-thru of Dunkin' Donuts. And sometimes he's lying there. But according to Locke, his home was recently rated by federal agents with regards to an investigation into his handling of his church's finances. And that much seems to be true. The part where they didn't find anything on the other hand. Hey, hey, Greg, I've also been audited by the IRS twice.
Starting point is 00:30:08 And it was also because of how innocent I am. Just us two honest dudes who did not be crime. They came crazy because of our honesty. Here is the narrative, according to Locke, during a recent sermon. It all began during a six-week sabbatical he took to mourn his overdosed son. It had nothing whatsoever to do with that, of course, but he needs to work in the, my son recently died. thing into the narrative for sympathy purposes, damn it. Okay. Weird question here, but how many weeks are you allowed to keep doing that before it's
Starting point is 00:30:45 been too long? Braves. That is a weird question. It's more than six weeks. But there is definitely a line where it becomes too long. It's like a grimer version of how long after January first are you allowed to still wish people a happy New Year? It's like a dark version of that essentially. No, it is. No, we do need a, we do need a solid answer here. So, okay. Seven weeks. So about three weeks into that sabbatical, he awoke to. what he described as a faint knock on the door because apparently the FBI raid didn't want to be rude
Starting point is 00:31:13 but then apparently the boss was like Larry what the fuck are you doing knocking and they used the battering ram more traditionally associated with morning raids on frauds right but the way that he tells it it does sound a bit like they were trying to lure him over to the door first so that he was behind it when they batted it down
Starting point is 00:31:30 which wouldn't blame the one bit for that would not blame him one bit Greg, if you could open the jack in the box on the floor in front of the door, really close to your eye. So then 60 FBI agents poured into his house. Again, this is according to his account. According to the FBI, the number of FBI agents involved in the raid was zero because they've got nothing to fucking do with it. But I guess telling his congregations that five dozen IRS agents right at his home probably gives away too much. Yeah, and him giving away too little.
Starting point is 00:32:03 is the exact reason why the IRS for their breaking is down and so in the first place. Yeah, right, right, exactly. He says then that, quote, they drug my wife outside in her night shirt and underwear, end quote,
Starting point is 00:32:15 which is just a weird way to phrase it, because normally we don't add and underwear when we tell people what we're wearing. I guess he wanted people to know that his wife isn't one of them whewers that doesn't wear underwear to bed. I was picturing sort of like a one hand
Starting point is 00:32:29 on the night shirt, one hand on the underwear and toss situation, kind of cartoon saloon styles. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes on to claim that the federal agents told him, quote, we're here because of an overabundance the last couple of years of allegations online that you misappropriated church funds, end quote. And to be clear, those allegations aren't just online.
Starting point is 00:32:52 They're also offline and inofficial whistleblower complaints and police reports and a book by two former pastors with his church called Pulpit of Leaves, deception in plain sight. You thought you can buy online. Yep, yep. Actually, I don't think you can anymore. You got to meet a guy in a Wendy's parking line. Right, yeah, right.
Starting point is 00:33:11 But even less likely is this account of the next thing these agents said, which was, quote, oh my goodness, this house has nothing in it that we were told it would be full of. And, quote, holy smokes, this guy's not only giving tons of money away to people all over the world, but the guy's given a hundred times more to the church than the church has ever given to his family. and so there's been no personal benefit. And quote, fuck off. To hear him tell it the IRS left him a tax rebate on the way out as an apology. Yeah, right, right.
Starting point is 00:33:43 As an impartial agent of the IRS housebreaking committee, let me just say you are a gentleman, a scholar, and it is thick. It's long, but it's also thick is what people should know. You got to wonder if they were just maybe looking at all those donations to Planned Parenthood and Greg's name. They're like, wow, this guy really chirole. To learn all these cards. You're doing great, man. Now, I want to be clear on at least this bit.
Starting point is 00:34:09 The home that federal agents raided, and we do have confirmations that there was a raid, is worth about $1.6 million. And according to property records, it actually belongs not to him, but to Global Vision Bible Church. Oh, come on. Global Vision Bible Church. That's such a lazy name. It's that they ran out of time to name their company and just submitted their entire mood board instead. Exactly. So, yes, he definitely fucking misappropriated church funds. But doing so to the degree that the IRS gets involved is virtually impossible. So I kind of can't wait to see the next chapter of this story. The good news, though, is that in the meantime, his church's assets have been frozen. So none of the people are shitty enough to work for him are getting paid. So on that note, I just want to say Greg Locke's employees, if you're looking for extra work while you're waiting for them to unfreeze the assets, we're
Starting point is 00:35:00 We have some thorn harvesting jobs that we're looking to fill here at Puzzling a thunderstorm. Be forewarn, though, the interview process includes making a lot of chicken noises on camera, and we only hire the best. It's true. We need your whole heart tussie in it. And finally tonight in I thought you people liked savings news. Oh, dude. Podcast listener, if you're like me, you could swear that we already got rid of daylight savings time.
Starting point is 00:35:28 I feel like we talked about it on the shows. and then I made some jokes about it. It was like a whole thing. Yeah. And if you're like me, Eli, not knowing that daylight savings still exists, has been a fun social deduction mini game in our scheduling conversations
Starting point is 00:35:41 when it re-bugs me to be on the show. But getting rid of daylight savings time is a good thing. And we live in 2026. So I wasn't disappointed when it didn't happen. Well, apparently we're trying again, more for the first time, maybe. and there are already religious assholes who are angry about it. No, but I get it.
Starting point is 00:36:04 It's going to throw out their carefully planned schedule of misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia. You know, they're going to arrive at their 2 p.m. Women Hating Meeting, aren't with all their gripes against gay people. It's going to be a whole mess of the things. Exactly, yeah, exactly. So, Eli, thank you for doing all the research that you did for this story. You're welcome. For the record, no, it's not the first time we tried to get rid of it.
Starting point is 00:36:24 No, Eli is not remembering a time we tried it. Yes, Eli's remembering when a bunch of states' votes. to make it permanent, even though federal law doesn't allow them to do that. Yes, getting rid of it would be good. No, they're not trying to get rid of it in a way that would be good. Lame. So should I, should I stop? So, as refreshing as a change of pace, the villains of this story are, in fact, my people.
Starting point is 00:36:50 Magicians? Right, kind of. My homies, if you will, the Jews, Orthodox Jews, specifically, who oppose getting rid of daylight savings time, Because with the clock no longer moving with the sun, it would force people who pray three times a day to pray during the workday. according to Rabbi A.D. Motzen, quote, the bottom line is, if prayers have to start an hour later, that will have a direct effect on people getting to work
Starting point is 00:37:15 and on when schools can start, it becomes a communal issue when, for example, a synagogue that has had a morning prayer service for 100 years, suddenly does not have a quorum of 10 men who can show up at the prayer time close to 9 o'clock because they have jobs, end quote. Okay, am I being crazy here, or is the answer not just that they do their prayers at 8 o'clock instead when the clocks have changed.
Starting point is 00:37:37 You're right. Is that before God gets up and they're worried he's just not going to be able to listen to them pray until he's had his morning coffee for the day? Yeah. I love it when religion has to do an honest parade of horribles, right? Because they're always stuck with shit like, well, and then there will be fewer than 10 people to cast the magic spell that makes afternoon happen. You're shit like that.
Starting point is 00:37:57 Exactly. Yeah. So the problem here is that those people could just be late to work or school, right? Our country actually has a bunch of religious accommodations built into it so that people can do that stuff. I don't think that we should, but a bunch of people who are smarter than me and know whether or not we did daylight savings time, they seem to think we should. So problem solved, right? The way we should not solve the problem is by treating our clocks like the fucking mad hatter from Alice in Wonderland. And even if it were, juice, we love tricking God.
Starting point is 00:38:34 Being Jewish is basically just doing the monkey's paw back and forth with God. You get a, I don't know, get a goy to come in and swivel some clock hands around, tie a rope around the neighborhood. Put a fucking towel over your eyes so God can't see the sun. Get creative people. This is what we do. Exactly. And with a quick note that the permanent daylight savings time bill did die in the Senate just like it should have. Now I don't remember it anymore.
Starting point is 00:39:03 We're going to wrap the headlines for the night. Eli, Marsh, thanks as always, or sometimes, as the case may be. Jumanji. And when we come back, we'll roast the kind of graham cracker that leaves you wanton smless. Hey, hey. Hey, podcast listener. Were you planning to see us live in Washington, D.C. on August 14th? Well, then you need to hurry the fuck up.
Starting point is 00:39:36 That's right. There are less than 50 tickets. to the entire show. And they're going to sell fast. So if you've been hoping to snag a ticket, head on over to God Offal Movies Live sooner rather than later. VIP tickets, gone. Platinum tickets, gone.
Starting point is 00:39:51 But you can still see the show over at godoffelmovieslive.com. Godawful Movies Live in Washington, D.C. on August 14th. While there are still tickets left. Tick, tick. I'm sure a number of our listeners were disappointed by last week's C segment. Not that we don't all love Marshall. who's woo and not that Madame Blavatsky wasn't a fantastic choice for a biography to highlight, but I feel like a lot of our American listeners already had their dancing shoes on and were
Starting point is 00:40:26 sadden to find Lindsay Graham's grave nowhere in sight. Well, if you stuck around through the outro last week, you'll know that we'd only skipped over it because I didn't have the heart to deprive Eli of this week's son of obituary. Yeah, I've basically been edging the death of Lindsay Graham since I was a teenager. It's a real paint-the-garage moment for me, people. Oh, no. Right. And in your defense, his family should have been way clear of what they meant when they asked you to send a tribute.
Starting point is 00:40:55 Exactly. More specific what you mean. Right. Right. So Lindsay Graham was, first and foremost, a big-ass set of teeth. Yes. Right. Like, there was a whole human being wrapped around them, but that was easy to miss amid the dental
Starting point is 00:41:09 preeminence of his visage. Had he chosen a career and armed robbery, it's easy to imagine a lot of police sketch artists just scaring it. crude drawings of chattering teeth and thinking, well, this can't be right. Yeah, like, given how suddenly he died, I don't think we can rule out that he was hunted by Don Jr. for his ivory. Yeah, it's not a lot of guys that can say growing a bunch of fat, saggy flesh was an improvement to their face. But, yeah, gosh, Lindsay was special in so many ways. Wasn't he, though? But in addition to being a set of teeth with a guy under them, he was also a
Starting point is 00:41:43 Republican Senator, Congressman, Air Force lawyer, closeted gay man who totally had a girlfriend once in law school. You don't know her. And more importantly, corpse. Okay. Hot take, because a bunch of people have been like, I was secretly fucking Lindsey Graham and he's such a terrible homophobe. Isn't that awful of him? No, it's awful of you. Stop secretly fucking Republicans, people. Stop it. Also, stop non-secretly doing it as well. Like, stop having sex with people who don't think you deserve civil rights, regardless of how strong your degradation kink might be. Just don't do it. Okay, but just imagine being a gay sex worker in Washington, D.C.,
Starting point is 00:42:19 and trying to make a living with that as your standard. That's fair. I get it. You got to work your market. Yeah. Now, of course, in the wake of Graham's death, a number of politicians who were desperately groping for something nice to say about him settled on praising his willingness to compromise.
Starting point is 00:42:34 And that much is true. Graham's career in politics was marked by an eagerness to find compromises. In fact, I'm not sure that there was a single, principle that he held dear that he didn't readily compromise at some point or another. Hell, in the case of his bipartisan climate change bill that he introduced and then voted against, he even compromised on his compromise. Yeah, you could say that his principles were as changeable as the weather in that they got increasingly more extreme over time and caused disproportionately more harm to minorities. Yes, you could say that. So the crackerest of all the grams began his life on
Starting point is 00:43:09 July 9th of 195 in Central South Carolina. That is not, by the way, me refusing to pin down where in the middle of South Carolina he lived. The town is actually called central. And in true South Carolina fashion, it's not remotely central. It's at the extreme west of the fucking state, only like 40 miles from the Georgia border. So he was born an extremist masquerading as a centrist. There you go. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:37 Nature and nurture people. Lindsay was the first member of his family to go to college. He went to the University of South Carolina for both his undergraduate work and his law degree. And early on in his college career, both his parents died within a year and a half of each other, leaving his 13-year-old sister orphaned. Aw. He was 20 at the time and formally adopted her. She would later refer to him as a, quote, brother, father, and mother rolled into one, end quote. And that was just the outfits.
Starting point is 00:44:03 Yeah. Now, upon graduating from law school, Graham was commissioned as an officer in the judge, Advocate General's Corps making him an official jagoff. And apparently he was pretty good at it. He would eventually rise to the Air Force's chief prosecutor in Europe and received a bronze star for his service. And if you're worried that I'm being too sympathetic with his biography, don't worry, that would be the last admirable thing he would ever do.
Starting point is 00:44:26 Well, until his death at least. Yeah. There's always this weird moment in Republican careers where they're like a normal person who's kind of good at a government-ish job. And then they went, well, this isn't enough money. I think I'll pivot to evil. Sure. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:44 And man, do we have an exemplar here? So in 1995, Graham was elected to represent South Carolina's third district in the House of Representatives. And if you want to know what it took to get elected in South Carolina at the time, I should remind you that they're seven-time senator at the time, he would go on to serve an eighth, was Strom Thurmond, who you might remember for running for the presidency on the segregationist ticket. in 1948. Yeah. Or you might remember
Starting point is 00:45:10 as the rejected first attempt at naming the Norse god of thunder apparently. The coolest fucking name for the shittiest fucking person ever. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:19 Unless you think I'm tarnishing all South Carolina politicians with a broadwash, by the way, I should note that Strom not only endorsed Graham, but he fucking campaigned for him.
Starting point is 00:45:27 Now, Graham would first rise to national prominence a few years later when he served as the House impeachment manager in the impeachment trial of Bill Clinton.
Starting point is 00:45:34 Guys, remember when having consensual oral sex was an impeachable offense. Do you guys remember? Okay, I would be wary about opening up the idea of coercive power dynamics as consensual, Eli, because your current predator in chief is going to drive a golf cart right through that gap you opened up. Well, but do you remember when non-consensual sex was an unimpeachable offense? I read that too. Remember any anything was an impeachable offense? Yeah. So in 2002, Strom Thurman decided to retire 48 years too long.
Starting point is 00:46:07 late. He was 99 years old at the time, and his values were even more antiquated than his body. So Lindsay Graham stepped in to take his place. He ran for the Republican nomination unimposed, and he pledged that he would only serve two six-year terms as a senator, a promise that he held to for nearly 12 full years. There you go. And he would have continued breaking that promise, except lately his heart wasn't in it. Or at least his left ventricular wall wasn't in it. Yeah. He just keeps telling himself his entire time, like the last guy who had my job was a century old segregationist. I'm fucking woke. I'm doing great. Think about the progress. Now, once he was in the Senate, he made it a point to support every bad idea that there was. He was a war hawk that never met an international problem. He didn't
Starting point is 00:46:54 want to bomb. He was a strong supporter of Bush's adventurous bullshit in both Iraq and Afghanistan and was constantly advocating to push the so-called war on terror into new theaters. Yeah, and not just theaters, but schools, hospitals, and Afghan wedding receptions, too. Yeah, right. In fact, he advocated for U.S. forces to remain in Afghanistan permanently, claiming that it was mutually beneficial to both countries. When people pointed out that what he was then advocating was colonization, he responded, quote,
Starting point is 00:47:25 Aixne on the organization K-K-O-A, any quote. It's not a timeshare. It's a long-term vacation rental club. is you're a member the points. Okay, but he was right that it was mutually beneficial though because like for Afghanistan, it meant that the US might stop killing so many
Starting point is 00:47:44 civilians with drawn strikes. Oh, there you go. And for America, it meant that those drones wouldn't have as far to commute. It's cheaper on gas, yeah. Yeah, so he had also been advocating for military intervention in Venezuela since at least 2019. He wanted military intervention in Cuba.
Starting point is 00:48:00 He supported Trump's nonsense about annexing Greenland. he was one of the 26 senators who voted against ratifying a 2010 treaty to further reduce the U.S. and Russian nuclear stockpiles because, you know, why would you want fewer nukes? He was a staunch and vocal supporter of Netanyahu, regardless of how genocide he got. And just to make sure he didn't break his streak, he basically died saying starting his unprovoked war with Iran was a great idea, actually. Sir, do you want us to tell everyone that your last words were, let the blood of the innocent run through all. the streets of the world. It's a little long. You wrote it down and everything in calligraphy. But yeah, but he wasn't just wrong on foreign policy issues. Despite building an early reputation
Starting point is 00:48:46 for bipartisanship, Graham could always be counted on to do the wrong thing when the chips were down. Okay, but in fairness, he was pretty bipartisan towards the end of his life in that colleagues from both side of the aisles couldn't stand him. Well, there was that, yeah. So he, John McCain and Joseph Lieberman fashioned themselves, the three Amiga. and they pretended to be above the partisan fray because they thought that, you know, three racist, rich, white nationalist jingos with slightly different beliefs on tax policy represented all sides of the American political divide. Now, of course, most of his bipartisan reputation stems from his support for comprehensive
Starting point is 00:49:21 immigration reform, a stance that was deeply important to him both ethically and logically, until Rush Limbaugh started calling him Lindsay Grahamnesty, at which point he abandoned his moral stance and just did with the fucking. was told for the rest of his career. Guys, we really should have been trying name calling. I mean, they've kind of cornered the market on it, but they, they figured it out. I tried. Yeah, and this right here was the moment that Eli found his true political calling.
Starting point is 00:49:48 But this is everything you've heard today, it's just been the origin story for America's first atheist Jewish roast comedian president. Yes. Bring back sexual coercion and power dynamics. Wait, what am I doing? What do I believe? So he had a similar trajectory when it came to his opposition to Donald Trump. Graham actually ran against Trump in 2016 and was one of the few Republican candidates that could clearly see how dangerous and stupid the man was and admitted it in public.
Starting point is 00:50:17 It was his camp that famously said of preparing for a debate with Trump that it was like getting ready for a NASCAR race where they knew that one of the drivers was going to be drunk. Yeah. In that you can expect him to slur their speech and pee in their pants in front of an audience that's mostly Confederate flags. Well, yeah, no, right, exactly. a lot like that. But like the vast majority of Republican never Trumpers, Graham's definition of never was until I can benefit from it personally in even the slightest imaginable way. In Graham's case, that took almost two full months after Trump's inauguration. Despite describing them as a cook who was unfit for office and famously saying that if they
Starting point is 00:50:53 nominated Trump Republicans would deserve to lose, he almost immediately became one of Trump's biggest advocates in Congress and on cable news. Yeah. He went from Trump is a race-baiting xenophobic religious bigot to saying that Trump was not far behind God. He didn't just mean in how many people of color he's happy to watch die. I guess I'm just surprised by how many people were shocked by this. Like, oh, you're telling me the party of evil opportunism turned out to be
Starting point is 00:51:23 evil at an opportunity, but they said. Right. But it's important that we remember that Graham didn't like, turn shitty once Trump showed up. He had a long history of sucking before that. For example, when we learned in 2013 that the National Security Agency was surveilling U.S. citizens' phones records,
Starting point is 00:51:42 Graham issued a statement saying he was actually glad that Verizon was turning over his phone records to the U.S. government. And based on what we've seen since his death, no, he fucking wasn't. Yeah, right? Right.
Starting point is 00:51:54 He was also heavily involved in the defense of holding detainees indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. In fact, he was even called upon to formally rewrite the military rules of detainment to allow for it. And when he was asked about the obvious inhumanity of holding people indefinitely on no charge whatsoever, he defended it by pointing out what a great job we did with Japanese internment during World War II.
Starting point is 00:52:18 Huh. Seriously, quote, we had 450,000 Japanese and German prisoners housed in the United States during World War II as a nation. We can deal with this, end quote. Did he think the objection? to detainment was a logistics issue. I guess. They lack the skills and experience to be able to pull it off.
Starting point is 00:52:38 I know what you're thinking, people, but I've got three words for you. Hungry, man, dinners. Delicious, and you can jerk off to the box. Look, I know that my narrative is all over the place chronologically, but a lot of the revisionist obituaries here are trying to paint this guy as like, you know, a story of corruption by Trumpism as though he was a good guy until Trump came along and then he lost his way. Right. Like he was on the light side until Trump ordered him to slaughter all the younglings of the young Republicans. And only then did he become Darth Lindsay. Right. Yes. But he was a piece
Starting point is 00:53:12 of shit from the very beginning of his career and he remained one until the day he died. And to really drive that one home, we should talk about his stance on LGBTQ rights. Or if the rumors are to believe in those rights. Well, yeah, right. Now, yeah, officially, Lindsey Graham was not gay. no matter how many male sex workers provide first-hand accounts to the contrary. Okay, so he was into hand stuff. Got it. Yeah. Right.
Starting point is 00:53:39 But it's undeniable that Graham never had a serious romantic relationship with a woman in the entirety of his public life. Right. He insisted in his memoir that he did actually have a girlfriend in law school named Debbie. You don't know her. She's from Canada. And two more during his time in the Air Force in Germany. So that's pretty fucking straight. If you think about three girlfriends in 71 years of being alive.
Starting point is 00:54:01 He just loves those vaginas. Yum. Yum. He left the Air Force in 1989. His story is that he was so straight in those few years that he couldn't possibly be interested in men at any point over the subsequent four decades. Who has the time to date? Mars.
Starting point is 00:54:24 Busy. Now, of course, despite being definitely gay, Graham spent his entire career standing in the way of LGBTQ rights. The first bill that he proposed when he was a member of the South Carolina House of Representatives would have banned gay and lesbian people from serving in the South Carolina Army National Guard if it had passed. Okay, but are we sure that wasn't just him trying to preemptively ensure he wouldn't get sent back to active service in Germany by making him illegal for him to do that? Yeah, I hadn't thought of that one. So in 1996, he voted for DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act that formally defined the requisite number of penises and vaginas,
Starting point is 00:55:00 for a marriage to count. In 2006, he supported a constitutional amendment that would have banned gay marriage. And as recently as 2022, he voted against the respect for marriage act that would require the federal government to recognize same-sex marriages. He defended that by saying that states
Starting point is 00:55:16 should decide the issue of marriage and that's super important to him, despite with the constitutional amendments he supported a few terms earlier would have you believe. Look, none of the cowboys even stay the night to snuggle me. I'm not getting married anytime. soon. So why would I care? But like all son of obituary segments, this story does have a happy ending.
Starting point is 00:55:38 On July 11th of this year, Graham died after an illness that was unfortunately brief, but it was at least fatal. Emergency medical services responded to his home around 8.30 p.m. where they reported in a man in cardiac arrest and said that CPR was underway. Now, that was 25 minutes after they were called. So, you know, there's at least a chance that he clung to life in gurgling horror for half an hour or so. But one way or the other, he was dead by the time they got him to the hospital. And apparently earlier that day, he said he was feeling unwell and he was told to go to the hospital. But he responded, I can't die now. I still need to do the Russia sanctions.
Starting point is 00:56:14 Get Iran sorted out and do Israeli Saudi normalization. So, yeah, at least he died however he lived, you know, failing to deliver on grandiose political promises. Yeah, right. What if he had the one solution that was going to do all of that? Yeah, right. Just when he was about to... So close. So close. So within hours of his death, South Carolina's governor announced that Graham's sister daughter would serve out the remainder of his term, which...
Starting point is 00:56:40 It's not that unusual to put like a spouse or something into that position when the term is almost over, but it's still fucking creepy and it has a dynastic feel to it, especially since it now makes her kind of feel like his sister-daughter wife. Yeah. Honestly, it feels like they're softening us up for when Donald Jr. gets to be emperor after his dad. I appreciate the practice. Yeah. So that's it. That's the story of Lindsey Graham. And that's his legacy.
Starting point is 00:57:04 A man of principle whose ignominy has made all the worst for the fact that he was a man who knew good and damn well how evil everything he was doing was. And he did it anyway. May he rest in dirt. Before we line up an exit in an orderly fashion, I want to remind you that I'm going to be in Canada in August. The weekend after our live show in D.C., I'm going to be at BajaConn and Point Edward, Ontario, from August 21st to the 23rd. Tickets are available. The lineup is stellar. I hope to see you there. Link in the show. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got in the show tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on look up for a brand new episode, debut at 7 o'eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Goddival movies, debuting at 7thmaston on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister's citation needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. obviously I want to thank Eli Bostic for being my Northeast bestie, Michael Marshall for being my Northern England bestie, and Lucent Illusions for being my global bestie.
Starting point is 00:58:07 Incidentally, my Midwest bestie Heath Enright is going to be back next week, assuming the ransom drop goes off without a hitch. Also, while I'm thanking people, I should thank Psychogenesis Games from fighting this week's Farnsworth quote, you're not a bestie yet, but you're heading in that direction. Incidentally, if a war in heaven tabletop RPG sounds amazing to you, check the show notes for links. But most of, of course, I want to thank this week's best besties,
Starting point is 00:58:28 Amanda Jim C.S. Karen Griffin, Brandon Deans, 50 cent for nothing. Marie Pierre, Trevor, Kate, from Seattle, New Madison, and Lira. Amanda, Jim, C.S. Karen, and Griffin, who are so informed their new video games get tutorials from them. Brandon Deans, 50 cent, Marie Pierre, who are so bright, they're exempted from headlight laws, and Trevor, Kate, New Madison, and Lera, who used up so much of our awe that we almost had to change the name of our other podcast to just God-Full movies. Together, these 13 wonderful wonderkins wound our wandering, wonder, wounder, when their donations came through this week. I know it makes no sense, but it sounds good. Goddam and you too can do senseless shit that sounds good by making a per episode donation at
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Starting point is 00:59:40 All right, and Quinsat. I love that April changed your profile picture to her in the rain. Yes. Because it's exactly the kind of thing an old lady does at a church event. Right. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm to their hotline at 617-249455 or on their website at creatoraccountability Network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without
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