The Scathing Atheist - 700: The 700 Club Edition

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

In this week’s episode, Jared Huffman applies for a job on our show, a lack of Christian soda cans leads to the unraveling of the fabric of society, and climbing a mountain in search of an imaginary boat turns out to be an amazing analogy for Christianity.---Come see us live in Washington, DC on August 14th!: https://www.atlasarts.org/events/god-awful-movies/Come see Noah in Ontario at BAHACon: https://bahacon.com/---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:Jared Huffman has a new book about the dangers of Christian Nationalism: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/09/us/politics/democrat-huffman-humanist-religion-christianity.htmlArkansas librarians grapple with enforcing book restriction law after court rulinghttps://arkansasadvocate.com/2026/08/10/arkansas-librarians-grapple-with-enforcing-book-restriction-law-after-court-ruling/And https://bookriot.com/arkansas-act-372/Miss NC says she lost her crown for Christianity; turns out to be bigotry: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/miss-north-carolina-usa-said-sheOklahoma candidate James Taylor has turned his classroom into a Christian campaign studio: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/oklahoma-candidate-james-taylor-hasChristians are freaking out about custom Coke cans: https://www.yahoo.com/news/politics/articles/coca-cola-custom-feature-lets-213003539.htmlhttps://nypost.com/2026/08/08/business/coca-colas-personalized-cans-show-inconsistent-enforcement-against-disallowing-controversial-phrases-groups/

Warning, we haven't gotten any less vulgar since last week. This week's episode of The Skathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by Godawful Movies Live in Washington, D.C. this weekend. The show is Friday night. This is your last chance to get tickets at godawful movieslive.com. That's godawful movieslive.com. And now, the scathing atheist. It's Thursday. It's August 13th.

And it's Left Handers Day. baby. Yeah, may the smudgy side of your hand ever remain clean while you handwrite things on paper. I have no illusions. I'm Mila Bosnick. I'm Heath Henwright. And from Rogers, Stones, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and way across Georgia, this is skating in Houston. On this week's episode, Congressman Jared Huffman applies for a job on our show. A lack of Christian soda cans leads to the unraveling of the fabric of society. And climbing a mountain in search of an imaginary boat turns out to be an amazing analogy for Christianity. But first, the diatriat.

Man, you know you've been doing this shit for a minute when even hitting the double zero episodes. Seems like old hat. This is our 700th episode today. Started doing this shit in January of 2013 and we have still never missed a week. Except when Heath and Eli eventually made me stop doing episodes on Thanksgiving and Christmas, which, to be clear, I still don't do under protest. And in those 13 plus years, we have done a lot of shit that I am really proud of. We've raised over a million dollars for charity,

much of which wasn't embezzled by an alleged fraudster to enrich himself. We've helped to create and foster a system of accountability for digital creators. Too late. But eventually, we did that. We've helped to foster a number of lasting online communities, which exist at the whim of really shitty billionaire capitalists and are restricted to the ever-diminishing percentage of people whose mental health and moral compass allow them to remain on social media, but still they're there.

But most importantly, we have managed to keep you company. And from time to time, we've done it when it really matters. And look, I know it probably seems weird to most of you that I always circle back to this concept of community and communion because for the overwhelming majority of people that listen to this, this show has nothing to do with community. It's just the shit they listen to on their way home from work. on Thursdays. Fewer than 1% of you will ever come to a live show or a convention or

otherwise meet us in person. A similar percentage of you will never interact with a puzzle and a thunderstorm based online community. But even if all we're doing is making some dick jokes at you on your commute, the community element still comes into play, right? Because for most atheists, you have to pull your punches in most circumstances. Hell, something like half of you have to straight up pretend you're not atheists in some parts of your lives. And for those people, even a recorded conversation between strangers that you will never meet can be a lifelines worth of community. Now, there have, of course, been a number of attempts to create secular alternatives to church-based communities, and some of those have been really successful. But those are inaccessible to the vast majority of the nation's geography.

And even if there's something like that close to you, not everybody can just freely associate with a bunch of filthy atheists, you know, without the risk of personal repercussions of some sort. But there's another barrier those groups face that's even more insidious than the societal prejudice that leave some listeners afraid that they would lose their jobs or their family relationships or their financial support if they were seen around the godless. There are a lot of atheists who come out of religion so fucked up by all the shit that the churches they grew up and put them to that they've soured on the very idea of groups. Seriously, I talk to ex-Christians all the time who say that they would be unable to trust like a secular community because they're so traumatized by the infighting and deception of their church that anything that involves a bunch of people in a hierarchy seems threatening to them. Think about how fucked up that really is. Community is like it's one of those second tier human needs. It's right below like food and sunlight and shit like that. Our mental health is dependent on a feeling that we belong somewhere.

physical health is vastly improved if we're an active part of a large group. Our happiness is more abundant and more lasting if we have people to share it with. But there are some people that have been so broken down by the church they were raised in that they would rather take the hit to their mental health and their physical health and their happiness than put themselves at the risk of belonging to a group again. And for those people, the people who have been hit the hardest by the abuses of religion, dick jokes from a couple people you'll never meet is as close to community as, they're willing to get.

And I know that that's a very small percentage of our audience, but for reasons that I hope you can understand, it's the group that I'm talking to the most. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the bong and bold of my blunt, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas. Now you're ready to fire it up.

I've always felt like I was more of the smoking pot of an apple of the podcast. but I appreciate the upgrade. I get it. I get it. And I was always a bong plus bowl guy in my smoking days. You were. It's all works out. Yeah.

All right. And I'm speaking of bongs, bowls, and blunts, it's time for a word from the only sponsor that wouldn't get pissed off about this segue. MintMobil. Freedom. Stop it.

Ow! Hey, guys, what's going on? We need to record the podcast. I would love to, Noah, but Heath is trying to disembowel me. For freedom. I'm doing it for freedom.

Oh, okay, Heath. we talked about this. Why are you trying to disembowel Eli again? Oh, because of Mint Mobile. So right now, all of Mint's plans are $15 a month, even unlimited. So for yourself from big wireless and their gimmicks and gotchas and switch to Mint for high speed data and coverage on the T-Mobile 5G network. Yeah. Stop it. Hey, stop. Wow, that is pretty free though. It is. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can even bring your current phone and your number. All right, Heath, I'm sold. Where do I sign up?

To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash gam. That's mintmobile.com slash gam. Cut your wireless bill at 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash gam. That's it. There's no catch. No catch at all? Off-front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months, plan required. $15 a month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra, initial plan term only, greater than 50 gigabytes my slow when network is busy, includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot, capable device required.

Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. All right, Heath, thanks. But I thought you were Irish, not Scottish. Honestly, the disembaling, I think, it's, it's just unrelated. Wait, so you're just wearing the face paint? Yeah, it's 2026. Get woke. Exactly. Okay. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, not often that I live, lead the headlines off with a book recommendation, and it's even rare that I recommend a book that I have not yet read, but I'm excited to tell you that California Congressman Jared Huffman has a new

book coming out. And as the only sitting member of Congress who admits there's no God, it behooves we atheists to take notice, especially since the book is called No Profits, the Fight to Save Democracy from Christian Nationalism. H. H. Dock. What are you doing? Sorry, that's why I know does the interviews. That's how I would, that's how I would open it if I was allowed. Now, if you're not familiar with Mr. Hoffman, that's on me. We should be talking about more often on this show. He's been representing California's second district for about a dozen years now, or over a dozen years, like 14 now, I guess. And he remains the only openly non-theistic member of Congress, though he does stop short of using the A word.

A-no. No, he doesn't stop short of that one. No. He'll say that. There are a couple of others off dog who are religiously unaffiliated in Democratic caucus, but only how much, openly talks about his lack of theism and identifies as a humanist. And he also, get this, winds up on the moral side of almost every issue he faces in Congress. It's so weird. Yeah, kind of like Bernie Sanders. Also definitely an anal atheist ass play, whatever. Yeah. The right side of history is one of time. Yeah. Let me get in there. And look, a willingness to talk honestly about religion has always been as important in Congress as it was lacking. story. But you can make a pretty solid argument that it's never been more important than it is right now,

which is probably why he wrote the book, a book in which he admits the patently obvious, but somehow politically taboo fact that Christian nationalism is the most dangerous political movement in the country. And the unwillingness to name the problem serves as insulation. For example, as Huffman pointed out in a recent interview with the New York Times, references to Christian nationalism were excised from the January 6th committee report for fear of being attacked as anti-Christ. Christian. Okay. Yes, they did stop and have a prayer circle in the middle of the violent overthrow of the U.S. government, but relaxation is important, you know? Absolutely. You got to let people have their third spaces like the house floor after their violent mom attacked police officers and took it over.

Yes, exactly. For example. Third spaces. Yeah. It's also worth noting, as Hoffman apparently does in the book, that while he's the only openly non-theistic member of Congress, there's no way in hell. He's the only person there that doesn't believe in God. He's just the only one with the guts and the necessary constituency to admit as much. When asked by Annie Carney in the Times interview about the prevalence of atheism in Congress, he said, quote, in the country writ large, according to the latest polling, 30% are non-religious. I think the Democratic caucus is not far off from that, end quote. Are there like about 30 senators that say they,

They're atheists. Not the ones that say so, no. But as for his Republican colleagues, he admits that they're pretty monolithically Christian on paper. But he added, quote, I have a hard time believing all of them are devout. I think there's probably a lot of fakers and nonbelievers in those ranks, too, end quote, a statement that is at once plainly obvious and shocking to hear from a sitting member of Congress.

Yeah, I mean, why would they be liars about everything except their religion? That would just be weird. Right, exactly. Yeah. And this is a useful reminder that just about everything Republicans do is heavily Christian-based. And just about everything the Supreme Court does is heavily Christian-based. It's not just the obvious ones like taking away bodily autonomy. It's also dismantling democracy, stripping away basic human rights from trans people, ruining public education, foreign wars against brown heathens, domestic wars against brown heathens.

It's all Christian nationalism based very heavily. And we're going to keep yelling about it, along with apparently one guy in Congress. Yeah, Jamie Raskin yells about it too. But yeah. Okay. Yeah. So the book is out on August 18th. It's already available for pre-order in all of various places.

And even without having read it, I recommend it simply because publishers need to see that atheists are still a viable demographic. And politicians need to see that speaking out against theocracy is rewarded. Huff dog, and come to an interview. Come on, Hoffie. I promise. They won't let me talk to you. I promise not to tell you. I won't call you Huffy. I might call you Huffy, but I won't be on the Zoom call.

I'll just refer to you as Huff. Jay Huffman. And in Brad buried in irony news. One of the circles of Christianity that must be hardest to square is how terrified you're expected to be of other people's ideas. I'm not just talking about like right-wing Christians either. The Bible is full of warnings about prophets old and new telling you not to expose your mind to different ideas. Hell, you could argue that Jesus' nemesis in the Gospels, aside from Wood, are just guys who ask him questions.

So as cartoonishly villainous as it makes them seem, it should come as no surprise that they are constantly trying to ban books. Well, this week, a federal judge upheld a 2023 law that could send Liberation. librarians and booksellers to jail for up to a year for providing materials deemed harmful to minors. So we're going to talk about it. Man, it's a good thing. They don't worship a book full of genocide instructions and rape apologetics. This could really come back to pipe them. Jenny, are those two parents both lady penguins in that book you're reading?

Put that filth away. Okay, so the come of a stallion. The omissions of a donkey. It's in the, it's the Jewy part of the Bible. It's in the Jewel. Yeah, exactly. Emissions. Keep that in mind.

Right. So first off, a big thanks to Sam D for sending us this story to Skathing News at Gmail.com. For sending us atheist news to Skathing News at Gmail.com. We promise to only burn your books if they're lame and we judge you for having them. So Sam, if you've got 48 laws of power at home, hide it fast before we get there. Scathing News at Gmail.com. Oh, okay. Nobody who arranges his fucking.

bookshelves by color can talk shit about anybody else's library. Jealousy. Jealousy and chicanery. Right. So the law in question is Arkansas Act 372, and it's worth pointing out that there are already laws about providing materials that are harmful to minors, right? If I hand a nine-year-old to copy of Juggs magazine, no matter how awesome that nine-year-old thinks I am, I should be held legally responsible for it.

Yes. obviously you just leave that shit in the woods for them to find like a decent person. Yes. Thank you. We all got to be fuck archaeologists, just digging up a precious relic out of the woods. It was so very excited. Don't take that away from kids. So look, distributing harmful material to minors laws also sometimes cover stuff like when adults

send explicit photos or messages to kids, which is why the inclusion of librarians and booksellers on the list of possible perpetrators. is a giant red flag that what this law actually means by harmful is gay. But it gets worse. The law allows anyone to challenge the appropriateness of materials without defining as what counts as obscene or inappropriate. And anyone is also not limited to Arkansas residents. Anyone who lives anywhere can lodge complaints about material they believe are harmful to minors in any. bookstore or library in the state. Oh, I've got one. This law. Yeah. Yeah. And if an Arkansas judge agrees with

them, librarians or booksellers could do actual time in prison. Yeah. And the backstop, of course, is that now we've just made those judges infinite arbiters of obscenit. Yeah. Right. And of course, you know that booksellers and librarians have read all the books and know what's in all of them. So I guess this all makes perfect sense. Right. And you know how all Christians definitely read the entire Bible? It makes perfect sense. It's the librarians in the Bible. Exactly. But there's more.

While the law is very vague about what counts as obscene, surprise, surprise, I guess it's just for literally anybody to fucking figure out. It is very clear about what they mean by distribution. Distribution in this case includes simply having the book sitting on a shelf, book displays, book recommendations, and other means of highlighting materials all fit into the definition of distributed. according to this law. And this law has already had the chilling effect it's intended to have.

According to the Arkansas advocate, quote, the Independence County Library in Batesville announced July 31st via Facebook that it would no longer allow people under the age of 18 to check out manga content, comic books, and graphic novels that originate from Japan and adults-oriented graphic novels. Batesville Library staff have been putting stickers on books with sexually explicit prose is a warning that minors can only access those books with parental permission, end quote. I will bet you $24 million. If anybody ever gets fined or jailed for this shit,

it's not going to be because the fucking book has sexually explicit pros in it. Yeah, it's going to be a lady penguin wearing a leather jacket. Sure will. AKA a lesbian dominatrix penguin. Penguin. It's going to be something as stupid as that. Yeah. So look, this is obviously terrible, homophobic and a wildly illegal law despite what a Trump appointed judge says about it. But there is hope because I was a book kit and I can tell you there was nothing I read more voraciously than the books adults told me not to. So that's how works. Pretty sure we can expect way more secret gay converts coming out of Arkansas very soon.

Yeah. Now that you mention it, stickers that told me which one had. fucky parts in it would have been really useful. So, okay. Good accidental job, Arkansas. And in Crocodile Tierra's news tonight. Fantastic. When we first saw the headline that said a beauty pageant winner was blaming the loss of her title on her conservative Christian beliefs, not a goddamn one of us had to read the story

to know that the belief in question was going to be bigotry. Nobody was like, oh, I wonder if they took away her title for believing that salvation comes through Christ not works. Or I wonder if it's a belief in literal worldwide flood that did it. We may not have been expecting the bigotry specifically that we got, but we all knew it was going to be bigotry because that's what conservative Christian beliefs is a euphemism for. And Christians are nowhere near worried about that enough.

Okay, look, I get it. I get it. Atheism has this same issue with bald guys and goatees, and we refuse to act. as a community. So, hey, fill in the connectors, y'all. Just fill it in. Like, we shouldn't have to do that. We should not have to.

But fucking do it anyway. It's gross. So, so, yeah. So this story is about dishonorably discharged former Miss North Carolina, Brittany Boltonhouse. Last week, she was stripped of her title because, in her words, quote, of my political stance and my belief system as a conservative Christian woman, end quote. and in the organization that made the decision's words because they, quote, do not tolerate racism, homophobia, transphobia, nor language that strips any person of their dignity, end quote, which.

Okay. Tomato, I guess. Yeah, no stripping anyone of their dignity. All right. Now, everybody's stripped down and let's fire up that swimsuit, active wear portion of the pageant that we do. Yeah. So, like, okay, I'm glad the organization is against bigotry. fucking congrats. I'll give you a cookie. But there's some work to be done.

Seems like there's work to be done, yes. But you may be surprised to find out that it actually wasn't homophobia or transphobia in this instance. I know I was surprised. The Miss USA organization says their decision, quote, reflected conduct over an extended period of time, end quote, though they didn't really elaborate on what that conduct was. But her repeated use of the N-word on social media probably has. something to do with it. Could be.

Yeah, I have a feeling that we're a couple months away from a Supreme Court decision about Baker's not being forced to make a wedding cake without the N-word on it. So maybe this is going to, it means like a call forward situation. And I need to be clear that from what I've seen, the tweets probably aren't as bad as you were thinking based just on my description. She repeatedly uses it in sort of an N-word please kind of way that wouldn't actually be offensive if she was black. Yeah, there's an A, but she's not black.

And I guess, look, you know, look, you can take issue with whether that represents the kind of racism that should like cost her her sash or whatever. But I think we can all at least agree that statements like, quote, your girl don't like me, but yo, N word does. And quote, don't represent anybody's political stance or belief system as a conservative Christian woman for now. I think she's ahead of her time, guys. She's a trendsetter. She's visionary. I mean, like, tweeting slurs is going to be the talent portion soon. If not already.

How do you think Kaylee McAnne got her job? Right. Now, initially, Christians rallied to her defense, though the realization that she was a Latina Mormon might have dampened their enthusiasm a bit. It's also worth noting that there are apparently allegations of other misconduct that isn't in the public sphere just yet. So I'm tempted to say they might be holding back

to find out those details. But if there's one thing I've learned about Christian outrage, it's that it never holds back to find out the details. So I'm pretty sure it's the racism thing, which not for nothing. That shit can cost you guys a tiara.

Be careful, Christians. Yeah. And they care about their tiaras. They do. They do. It matters to them. And in Fire and Rain News. I wrote it.

Well, Morgan wrote it. Morgan wrote it like the king word. Yeah. Because religion. If you watch on YouTube, you'd be laughing right now because this word rain right here. I'm just saying. I mean, you might not be laughing like out loud. You would be like chuckling maybe to yourself.

Do the breathe out your nose thing? It's not funny. Ha ha. It's funny like. Yeah, it's like you hit the share button and then you can't really think of anyone to send it to. So you just, you just heart. It's like podcast laugh funny.

Podcast laugh exactly. Podcast listener. Oh, I don't know about that. Yeah, no, I was trying to help him out. Thank you. Let him be merciful. Thank you. Podcast, listeners.

I miss former Oklahoma superintendent of public instruction Ryan Walters so fucking much. Same. When I see a Jackie Chan movie, when I accidentally show people porn during a very important meaning, happens to the best of us. Everything reminds me of him. Well, it looks like the universe is. trying to make up for my loss as we learned that one of the candidates to replace him is a Christian idiot who might lose his job because he used his classroom for a campaign video. Yeah, today's assignment kids is why I'm voting for Taylor.

And then you have to find three registered voters who can grade it for you. Also, let me finish. Tomorrow, we're doing that chari drive right. It starts tomorrow. So everybody bring in three cans of soup and one. Bitcoin. Exactly. Right.

So first off, big thanks to Hemet Meta over at the Friendly Atheist blog for his extensive research and journalism on this guy. You can check out his work at Friendlyatheas.com and you can check out

the tasteful, erotic friend fiction I've written about us on my A.03 page. No. Read the tags. Don't. Right. So the candidate in question

is one, James Taylor. See? Opening joke. It was amazing. Just to be clear, though, not that James Taylor. That would be fun. No, different James Taylor. No, he is in the runoff of two candidates hoping to replace Walters.

The field was packed with crazy people, so they had to narrow it down a bit. James is a history and government teacher as well as a senior pastor. He also looks like a photo negative of Woolly Willie. Wow. Okay. I mean, I think he looks like a fine, handsome gentleman, just like a coward. Good looking guy. Fridge, he really wants to be Miss Nashville or whatever the fuck that goes.

But look, it's not just his looks that are terrifying. His ideas are somehow worse. He says he enjoys teaching history because, quote, the early U.S. history is the early, the birth of our country, which is our country's Judeo-Christian heritage, end quote. He was also interviewed by KFOR about his recent promotion of the litter boxes and classrooms, fears, which led. to this incredible moment.

I was up in the Tulsa area, and two people asked me, what are you going to do about the furries? And that's when I said, I can't believe that in our great state, that this would be going on. So which specific school is? I don't know. I don't know. They didn't give me. I asked that, where, where?

And they didn't give me. So I don't know. I mean, you know that's a widely debunk hoax that isn't happening, right? That's what I'm aware of. That's why I just simply said, I can't believe. this would be going on in our state. Real simple. I just, I don't believe it's going on. That's what they're saying, oh, I'm pushing it. What is happening is, they're afraid I'm going to win. And so they have to create fear. Is spreading a known hoax like that? Is that a fear tactic?

I didn't spread a hoax. They're spreading a hoax. I answered a question. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's insane. But that pivoted to, no, no, I just said I can't believe that represents more quick thinking than Ryan Walters has exhibited in his entire career. This is a step up, okay? Yeah. No, he did. That is some quick thinking. Also worth noting, if you're running for elected office and you're on the news and the interviewer

feels the need to start with the question, what's a furry? You're not running for office anymore. Nope. Unless you are a delightful furry, you're done with politics. politics. Just a good rule of thumb there. Unless you're the real huff dog, if you know what I'm saying. Once again, big thanks to Hammett for pulling that incredible clip for us. I stole it from his substack. Forgive me and thank you. Side note, that interview abruptly ended when KFOR asked about one of Taylor staffers using the R and the F slur. That staffer was present and immediately made everyone

like walk out in a huff in solidarity with his slurs. But believe it or not, none of that is why Taylor is in trouble. No, Taylor is in trouble, as I said, because he filmed a campaign video about Anthony Fauci in his classroom. And when it went public, the school district published a letter which said, in part, quote, earlier today, we were alerted that an employee of Little Axe Public School who was running for state office had made multiple campaign ads using school resources, including a school classroom. Let us be clear. The employee acted without the knowledge or permission of the school administration. The actions are an improper use of school resources and may be a violation of campaign ethics rules. After repeated requests to remove the posts from his social media

platforms and his failure to do so, it is necessary to explain that Little Axe Public School does not endorse any candidate for office. We will continue to use all appropriate measures to see that the offending ads and posts are taken down, end quote. And he might get the Little Axe. Yeah. Right, right. But in his defense, Why would you expect a teacher who's running for school superintendent to know all about laws about schools and shit? Of course. Yeah, exactly. Now, Taylor did apologize. And he said he took the video down right away when the district axed him to.

But according to parents of students in this class, he's still pretty actively campaigning. According to one parent, Dr. Taylor keeps one of his books, it's biblical, not political, how to line candidates up biblically as well as a DVD he produced, critical race theory versus the Bible prominently displayed in his classroom. Oh, wow, he's teaching critical race in the classroom, huh? So, okay, podcast listener, Eli has included a picture of the cover of this book in our notes. And it appears to be a Bible that has just thrown up and passed out on an American flag after a hard night of drinking bullets.

That is accurate. Okay, but to be fair, though, most American flags, in Arkansas have at least a small pile of bullets on it already. Like at all times, most of them do. So maybe the Bible can hold its bullets. We just don't know for sure. We don't want a bad mouth this Bible, yeah, that's what we're saying. So yeah, obviously this is not great for the state of Oklahoma, but more importantly,

way more importantly, it's great for our show, right? We are off to a promising start filling the Ryan Walters-shaped heart in our hole. Nope, not that. I like that version. Or is it? I have to know that one would pulse. Throw the Bible thing again. Anyways, our show is going to be funny because that guy's a lunatic, and that's what really matters.

And finally tonight in Coke can is a hell of a drug. Fantastic. The Coca-Cola marketing team decided to offer customized cans on their website, and people were able to choose Anna. What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. That's right. It's a soda-based freak out.

And during Mormon movie month, no less. Love it. Perfect. The custom can generator is the focus of a Christian right meltdown after some crazy people discovered that certain religious phrases like Jesus is king were being rejected by the automated moderation system. While evil stuff like Allah is king, those things were being accepted. But to be clear, when I say discovered, I mean people watch some viral videos made by liars.

And when I say crazy people, I mean the people who made the videos and also the people who get any information on social media. The only part of the freak out that's based on reality is the name Jesus being one of the religious figures that Coke wouldn't allow. on the custom cans. And that is persecution. Hey, a Coke, if you're listening, please unlock this shit so I can show them why you did it in the first place. I promised you buy hundreds of personalized coax people. We will caffeinate an entire live show if you act quick enough.

We can do it. And a big thanks to Leone for sending us a link at Skating News at gmail.com. And for the subject line, Christian outrage bubbles over. Bubbles. Cokes canonical canonical Jesus ban. Well done. The only has the option because of that to put an Eli-based phrase on a can. And if you see Eli in person, you can make him retrieve a frosted mug on demand so you can drink that thing.

The command word, by the way, is cacac. Wow. Just giving out my Shazam on air. Who docks is who now? I want to say his name. I'm going to say his name. I dox you now. I'm saying it. So the can controversy, Craig, had an earlier iteration in 2024. And some of the videos by the liars came from that moment. And then the latest version of the custom can generator got renewed attention this month, including another wave of liars. Speaking of liars, the journalism team over at five, Fox News conducted a very serious investigation last week. They really did this. According to Fox, quote, the Coke Can customization blocks mainstream religious phrases like Jesus is Lord and political slogans like Make America Great, while permitting left-wing activism,

right-wing group names, and even terms associated with child exploitation. Been in that. Continuing, religious and faith-based expressions seemed to face strict algorithmic suppression compared to secular or alternative viewpoints. Anti-theist and secular phrases like God is dead and atheist pride alongside religious greetings like Shalom and Buddha bless are allowed. Okay, yeah, so God is dead was allowed, but so is God isn't dead. That's like we're tied. We're tied now. Also, Buddha bless isn't a Buddhist saying. No, sure isn't. I didn't miss that.

They can't just make one of them. You can't just be, yeah. Big boo. They're allowed to say big boo. They're allowed to say big boo, but I'm not allowed to say Crisis King. So Fox News, again, real investigators at their job. Uh-huh. Well, Fox News investigators.

Yeah, yeah, right, right. Real. They win like to do more investigating at this can generator site. They got rejected by the can generator when they tried to to try important right-leaning phrases like Make America Great and White Pride. Oh, is that a right-leaning phrase? That was an important right-leaning phrase in their head. They also-admitting that now. They also, they admitted this.

They also got rejected for Black Pride and Black Lives Matter, so kind of deflated their whole thing. But taking out that pin from earlier, Coca-Cola might be a cola-themed sciop for pedophiles. I've always said that. So what happens when a Fox investigation gets deflated for a second? Pivot to pedo, exactly. P-to-P, what do they always say? They say P-to-P. Allegedly, according to them, they tested pedophile pride, and that got permitted by the filter.

I think they're lying. And then we got a telling moment right after that. They tested Map Pride, MAP Pride, and that also got permitted. Apparently, Map stands for minor attracted person. I didn't know that, but somebody at the Fox News Custom Soda Detective Squad was quite familiar with pedophile-related acronyms enough to know Map. pride and try it. They also checked for hacks like putting spaces, like spaces between the letters of pedophile, and that worked. And they found a way to get white pride in there by spelling it with

the numbers one and three instead of the letters I and E. So just some really, really important investigative journalism over there at Fox. We're not at war or anything, right? I just want to. Yeah, who knew there would be so much overlap between journalism and me and my brother trying to get the Commodore 64 voice. simulator to say fuck. Yeah, right. Oh, trying to put like

Metallica in a teddy rucks bin. Yeah. And not surprisingly, people took this dumb persecution narrative, Christian people, of course, and they ran with it.

Videos were claiming that Jesus is good would get rejected, but Jesus is bad or Satan is good would get accepted. Well, you're going to be shocked

to learn that they were lying once again. fact checkers found exactly what you'd expect. The system had rules about religious figures, politicians, and controversial political references not being allowed. And it was uniform. Jesus and Allah and other similar words, all being rejected.

But now, thanks to the ridiculous online backlash from the Christian right, everyone has to stop having nice things. Like the very important, customized Coke can we all really? wanted for $10 a piece. Coke had to shut down the whole system in order to, I'm assuming, like, avoid a guy showing up at their HQ with an AR-15, like their comet ping pong. Yeah. So that's our reality now.

Yeah, but you know what? It pisses me off that this shit still has consequences, right? News slash Coke, these people are going to remain equally pissed at you after you shut it down. And no amount of placating them is going to stop them from claiming that Sprite is anti-christ jizz the next time some meme tells them to. Sprite. The Antichrist Jiz. See, now you can't use that because you're cowards.

You would have. We would have given it to you. It's a gift from us. And that my can would have gone right here. It would have been, yeah, you would have had it. Antichrist jizz. Did they try Antichrist jizz? I did not hear anything about checking that. I did not. Honestly, I was so excited when I first read about this to go check stuff myself. Yeah, yeah.

So I couldn't even do my fun checking thing because we had to be. have nice things because of psychopaths. Okay. So here's the bigger picture takeaway for me. And it's pretty fucking simple. Don't get information from social media or from Fox News. There you go. Even if you agree with something on social media,

especially if you agree with something on social media, don't do that. That wasn't news. That wasn't even information. That was nothing. Find a real source of news or even better, a trusted. podcast of human beings that you definitely know are human beings.

Beepa-boop, end of story. And quick, while we take a break for some delicious human sustenance, we're going to close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. I like cheese. And when we come back, we'll go looking for my boat. Do you, Monty. Thanks for the pushback.

It's weird that, given all the years they've had to work at it, Christianity hasn't come up with a solid argument. against Satan. He's their character, and yet at best, he's just doing God's bidding, and at worst, he's an innocent angel

that just didn't want to bow to a Johnny come lately dipshit who couldn't even resist one person's worth of peer pressure about eating a forbidden fruit, which is why we're here on his behalf, yet again, on a segment called

The Devil's Advocates. Also, hell's aesthetic, way cooler, white robes. So we're just never eating buffalo wings in heaven? Right. How would it even be heaven then? Without buffalo wings.

It doesn't matter what color your clothing is. Now, normally this part of the show is where we debunk various miracle claims, but this week we're going to shift gears at least a little. So Heath, what are we going to be talking about today? Well, Noah, in the atheist world, we often do our listeners,

I think, a disservice by talking about all the high level, apologetics, debunking shit like presuppositionalism and the Klam cosmological argument. And then we send them out into the world to argue with Christians who claim they found Noah's Ark. Yep. Sure do. So today we're going to talk about several of the claimed remnants of your namesake's boat.

Okay. Awesome. So where does that story start? In somebody's imagination. Sure. Because at the end of the flood narrative in the book of Genesis, it says the arc came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. The book of Jubilee's even names the mountain.

It's Lubar or something like that with little hats on the vowels. So naturally, when people started looking for it, that's where they started. Yeah, and like a yoga instructor, we will be stretching our Lubar by the end of this essay. Let me tell you. Yeah. Okay. So what's the earliest we know of anybody going out and looking for it? Okay.

You're getting a little ahead of me. Because this story doesn't start with people looking for the art. It starts with them finding it, or more specifically, claiming they found it and then challenging other people to prove their piece of really old wood is not a chunk of Noah's Ark. And the earliest known claim of that comes from the Talmud, which said the Assyrian king, Sinakarib, found a beam from the ark and fashioned it into his idol. Oh, weird that he'd choose a piece of wood from a different religion, isn't it? That is weird. Yeah. Also, if I thought I had proof of God's wrath, I wouldn't make an idol to my God out of that.

Yes, right. Reasonable. And while that's definitely bullshit, what I just said, we have early records of different places having arc chunks on display. The Roman Jewish historian Josephus talked about towns in both Armenia and Turkey. And for centuries, the idea that the ark had been found in one of those two countries, was just passed down as received wisdom by a bunch of European Christians who had no interest in double checking, of course. And since people could always produce old wood in a pinch whenever they want, they had all the evidence anybody really needed before the scientific age.

And after for the majority of Americans. Yeah. So plenty of churches through the Middle Ages displayed old pieces of wood that were said to come from the archelial. The ideological remains of the Ark, although the Providence was questionable at best. The most famous example was a piece brought to Etchmeazzen Cathedral in Armenia. Nailed it. I like that you even tried, right? Etchmiazdin, something like that. The story goes that a guy called Jacob of Nisibis climbed Mount Ararat, hoping to find the ark and silence all the skeptics.

but climbing mountains was harder back then and he kept having to turn back. So eventually this was convenient. An angel showed up to him in a dream and said, this piece of wood comes from the ark, trust me. So he brought it back to the church. And based on that story alone, this piece of wood comes with the fucking ark, trust me. So he was like, we're good to go.

He brings it back based on his story. That piece of wood remains on display. to this day 1,500 years later. Okay, the amazing thing about that story is that a guy just wanted to fake, climb a mountain and everyone was like, amazing, we'll wait for you at the bottom. And he was like, well, now my fucking thing's going to be stupid.

Yeah, right, exactly. Bring, bring. So when do we get expeditions with a bit more in terms of the historical record? Yeah. So the birth of archaeology with a K happened in 1829, under the leadership of a German naturalist

named Johann Jacob Friedrich Wilhelm Parrott, the bird. He wanted to lead the first scientific expedition to the top of Lubar and settle the question once and for all. The problem, though, is that nobody knew where Lubar was. There wasn't even real agreement on where Ararat was. Western Europe eventually decided it was in Armenia, and when Armenia heard about that, they were like,

fuck yeah, it was, fuck yeah, is Armenian. But it's definitely not clear just from the biblical sources. And, hey,

if it's not here, maybe you enjoy some of Armenia's famous worldwide cuisine, like Harissa and Korovats, two things that really sound like I just made them up, but they're not.

I think I've heard of Harisa, but not the other one, so I'm not there. Have you? Or does it just kind of sound like other things? part. He's real. Okay.

So up to this point, Armenia had been protecting their status as the resting place of the ark by explaining to visitors that in order to preserve the ark, no human being was allowed to get close to it. Oh, I can fly when you're not looking. Exactly. And using that excuse, they were able to turn Mr. Parrott away. Or maybe it was harder than he expected.

and that was the coolest sounding story to excuse his failure. Another explorer named James Bryce managed to scale the mountain in 1876, and he did find a piece of wood that was evidently cut by some tool. So pretty fucking convincing. Yeah, I was saying. You got it. Bung in the phone. Bones of Christ.

That all tracks. That all tracks. But he later admitted there could be. some other explanation for why there was wood on a mountain. Okay. So now, did people in the 1800s still generally believe the arc existed on the top of that mountain? Pretty much, yeah.

In 1883, news broke in the New Zealand Herald that an avalanche on Mount Ararat exposed the remains of Noah's Ark. And that story managed to spread all the way around the world. Before it occurred to anybody that paper had published that on April 1st. Oh, geez. While the original writer did issue a correction and an apology for the awesome prank, the correction story didn't get picked up by anywhere near as many publications as the original Fool's Day story. Ah, man, remember when the news had the reliability and integrity of 1880.

The early cello journalism era, yeah. And of course, charlatans took notice of this. There was a guy named John Joseph Nuri, who toured the U.S. in the late 1880s, with what he claimed to be, a piece of the ark that he had. But you got to feel like the majority of his show was the introduction. I'll explain. He built himself as, quote, his pontifical eminence, the most venerable prelate, Monsignor, the Zamorin Nuri,

John Joseph Prince of Nouri, D-D-L-L-D, by divine providence. I'm not done yet. Chaldaian, patriarchal archdeacon of Babylon and Jerusalem. Great, don't, please don't interrupt. Grand apostolic ambassador of Malabar, Indian. India and Persia. I am not done. The discoverer of Noah's Ark and the Golden Mountains of the moon.

The sacred crowns supreme representative general of the Holy Orthodox, Oriental, patriarchal, imperiality of 900 million people of Asia. The first universal exploring traveler of one million. Miles. I am done. But you can call me John. You can call me John if you want to just call me to. Sounds insane.

Yeah, business car. Toots. So there's another famous story that first appears in 1940, but it claims to have come from 1917. A short version is that a Russian pilot is testing a new supercharged airplane. around Mount Ararat. And when he had to parachute out, he landed near a shipwreck

on top of a mountain that defies all explanation other than the one they wanted. But just then, the godless Bolsheviks took over in Russia. They don't want any proof of the Abrahamic faiths getting out.

So they suppress that amazing discovery. You blew it all the hell. You bastards. Sounds plausible. Yeah, it's clearly bullshit even before I point out that didn't even discover the golden mountain to the moon.

Supercharged airplanes didn't exist in 1917 and neither did parachutes. Oh, that's important. Yeah, it is important. The magazine where the story was originally printed retracted it when the author admitted that almost every detail was completely made up.

But as ever, the retraction wasn't shared as widely as the original story. So a lot of people continued to believe it. And some keep it up to this very day. They still believe it. Guys, what I'm learning is that I was born just a little bit too late to be a newsman. Yeah, right?

Okay, but the commies were hardly alone in trying to cover up the truth about the ark. There's another popular myth from the Seventh-day Adventists. They started circulating this one in the 1970s, and it's about a guy named Haji Yaram. He was an Armenian convert to their faith who moved to the U.S. And according to somebody with a book to sell, on his deathbed, he confessed that as a child, he was part of an expedition that found Noah's Ark. Apparently, a bunch of atheists hired a bunch of kids from his village to help them search Ararat to prove there was no Ark there. Oh, well, that sounds scientific. Yeah.

But wouldn't you know it? They accidentally found Noah's Ark. Oh, I hate it with that. And, quote, went into a satanic rage at finding what they hoped to prove non-existent. And quote, their first thought, of course, was to destroy it. Obviously. Obviously. But it was too mighty and protected by God magic.

Fucking something. And they just couldn't destroy it. destroy it. So they all agreed. We have to make this movie. They made a blood packed to cover up their amazing discovery. And they made all the kids on the expedition promised to keep their secret under the threat of torture to all those children. Sorry, question. Did they threaten to torture them then? Or were they claiming that they were going to follow the children for the rest of their lives and torture them if they ever told anyone? Because that seems expensive and like a long command. They didn't say, and that's more effective. You got to hide it.

hire other torturer children now. You're going to die of old age. Then you have to torture the torturer children if they ever talk. Yeah, no. It's tight. Guys, this is getting harder than it has to be. Fuck. Okay. Stop trying to hit the arc, Larry.

You're doing nothing. All right. So is this really the best they have? I don't get it. No. No, I'd say the best they have is the Duru Pinar site in Turkey. It was discovered in 1959 during a survey of the country. and it kind of resembled a boat.

So people got really excited. But then the following year, an expedition, determined beyond a reasonable doubt that it was a natural geological formation. But naturally, Christians respond to that news with unreasonable doubts. Yeah, no, that's the next best thing when you run out of reasonable ones.

Mm-hmm. But seriously, this is the one you're most likely of the sea invoked during online arguments about this shit. It's like the face on the movie, of arc discoveries, mostly because regardless of the scientific evidence arrayed against them, there's always some Christian with impressive academic credentials willing to lie for money. Yep. Yeah. So was it mostly fraudsters out looking for it at this point, or are we getting

true believers? No, as ever, the fraudsters were the ones finding it. The ones looking for it were usually true believers chasing mirages, myths, and misunderstandings. Eli Baas next story. Perhaps the most famous of my magic book. Of those was former astronaut and eighth guy to walk on the moon, James Irwin. He famously had a religious epiphany on his way back from the Apollo 15 mission. So he started a religious ministry and then spent the rest of his life organizing treks up Mount Ararat in search of the ark, many of which

almost killed him. Guys, between this and Buzz Aldrin and that other guy, starting to think how fast we can spin you is not the best test for who should represent scientific exploration to the closet. You know, it's not the best test for nearly

anything. You can't fucking fold up some swans or something, yeah. Get a nerd up there. I don't care if he pukes. Sure, yeah. It's Kyle. He didn't do well. He cried lot. Here's the thing. You got to keep in mind that, A, astronauting is a way different skill than mountaineering. B, Mount Ararat is almost 17,000 feet tall. And C, it's tucked into the corner of

Turkey right next to both Iran and Armenia. Oh, and D, Armenia was part of the USSR back then. So, it's not exactly an easy place for prominent employees of the U.S. government to be traveling. But just to be clear rock slides came way closer to killing him than the Russians. Okay, so by my reckoning, people have been combing over this same fucking mountain for like a century and a half and they have found nothing, few old pieces of wood? A few pieces of old wood. Sure. Yeah, that happened.

But in multiple instances, explorers who brought back old wood were rumored to have been running around the local villages offering to. Buy old wood in the weeks before that. Oh, really? So even the tiny fragments of nowhere near old enough wood that people brought back are usually hoaxes too. And when they're not hoaxes? They're just old wood.

Which is then made into a hoax by the claim. Yeah, right, right, yeah. So, okay, so I guess given the long, exhaustive and fruitless search, Christians probably We have largely given up on it and agreed the story was just a myth, more or less directly lifted from the epic of Gilgamesh. And to no illusions. I'll kill you both. We'll kill you both. Eli, you mad on behalf of white Greek people that I told you, the Odyssey was lifting stuff from the epic of Gilgamesh.

So it was actually based on people from Mesopotamia. Is that where you're mad? Wait, no, wait. No, that's not what I'm mad. You're mad because you're a proud Homerian? That's what it is. I'm a proud. It's about you're a literary, you're a book, you were a book kid, you're a home guy, baby a lines.

It's about Homer. Okay, so in defense of the hopeful Christian people, even if Noah's Ark was real, there's no reason to think the remains of it would still exist. I mean, wood certainly can last for thousands of years, but it usually doesn't. if a large wooden ship was left exposed to air, it would decompose entirely within a decade. Like, okay, maybe slower if it's in a frozen area where you don't have to worry about fungus and bugs and stuff, but there's no reason to think it would survive for thousands of years necessarily. Sure, sure, but they're the ones looking for it. Yeah, it's exactly the kind of expedition that Christians love.

it can only prove you're right. Despite the claims in the story of Haji Yeram or whatever his name was, you could never disprove the flood myth by failing to find Noah's Ark. You can always say you're on the wrong mountain or you haven't checked everywhere or nothing remains. But if you're a true believer, you can always tell yourself there's still a chance. And if you're a fraudster, you can always find somebody willing to finance your expedition. probably buy your book.

Yeah. So isn't it crazy how every time we do this devil's advocate segment, we find ourselves advocating for the gullible Christians getting ripped off by Christian con artists. Isn't that weird? Pretty telling, I'd say. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to do it again on the next installment of The Devil's Advocates. Before we ease off the gas and apply the brakes this week, I want to remind you that I'm going to be at BajaCon next weekend. you can't make it to the live show in D.C. That one's in Sarnia, Ontario. It's August 21st to the 23rd,

which is a fantastic time to be in Canada. And there's a link for more information in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blessing we've got for you tonight, but I'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on lookout for a brand-new episode of our sister-so's hot friend God-awful movies, debuting at 7 New Eastern on Tuesday, and an even new episode of a half-sherstichol citation deed, debuting at noon-eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't wrap things up until I thank Heath Enri for always advocating for the devil's food cake. I want to thank Eli Bostic for always advocating for the devil's food cake, and I want to thank Lucent Illusions who should be back with us next week.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people. But I actually have to wait until next week to do it by name. Sorry, we're getting ready for the live show so I'm recording this a bit early, but I promise to compliment the shit out of you next week. And if you've got some shit in you that you need to compliment it out,

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