The Scathing Atheist - 703: Dolly Lama Edition

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

In this week’s episode, Donald Trump asks for a little of that rendering unto Caesar he’s heard so much about, Girl Scouts of America gets some blowback about their islamic "badges for hajjes" program, and we’ll read about JD Vance’s fucking Mamaw for you.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:New Orleans Catholic abuse settlement is a farce: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/aug/28/new-orleans-catholic-church-sex-abuse-settlementTrump Implies Bible Endorses Donating to Him As an Act of Faith:https://meidasnews.com/news/trump-implies-bible-endorses-donating-to-him-as-an-act-of-faithNew Jersey didn’t ban prayer outside abortion clinics, but Christians are lying about it anyway: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/new-jersey-didnt-ban-prayer-outsideRight-wing influencers invented a Girl Scouts “Islamization” scandal: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/right-wing-influencers-invented-a---This Week in Misogyny:Ex-Deputy convicted of SA is now a cop chaplain: https://apnews.com/article/convicted-san-diego-exdeputy-police-chaplain-54eab67555be35d0f67532fe24f48e02

Warning, the following profanity is contained within a podcast. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by the new hymnal delivery service for people who aren't aroused by church services anymore. Four hymns. With an end. For hymns. Heath already used this pun on gam, but it was too apropos not to recycle for this bit. And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Ah, it's Thursday. It's September 3rd. And it's international bowling league day. Right. Big ups to a sport. It's played with a pitcher of beer and a plate of nachos. There you go. That's how he plays golf as well.

I'm no illusions. Amila Bosnick. Ami. And from Grover, Cleveland's New Jersey, and our Michigan and Wakefield and Georgia. This is the skating east. On this week's episode, Donald Trump asked for a little of that rendering onto Caesar he's heard so much about. Girl Scouts of America gets some blowback about their Islamic badges for Hadges program. And we'll read about J.D. Vance's fucking maimaw for you.

But first, the diatri. All right. I know I'm a little late to this funeral, but we're recording earlier now to accommodate all the video editing, which means that by the time that we learned, Dolly Parton had died, we had already written last week's show. And this is the morning that I want in on, even if it's late. See, I actually have an ever so slight personal connection with Dolly. I worked at the Dollywood theme park for three summers. And I guess it would be an exaggeration to say I'd met her, but I did interact with her on two separate occasions.

And on the second interaction, which was two years after the first, she remembered me. And honestly, pretty much everybody who worked at that park for more than a year or two had a story about her like mine, a moment where she wowed them with how personable and accessible and unassuming she was. And I mean, I get that this is all stage managed, right? She's protecting the brand with these interactions. She knows these park employees are going to talk to park guests and tell them what an awesome person she is. But who fucking cares. I mean, at a certain point, we're all who we pretend to be, aren't we?

And the fact that you want people to see you as personable and accessible and unassuming, that says a lot about who you are, regardless of what you're like on your own time. And here's the thing. Here's how I tie this back into the subject of the show. The Dahliawood theme park was super Christian. Crazy, Christian. There's a chapel in the park that holds services in case you need a little extra Christianity between roller coasters. The company's mission statement is explicitly Christian.

The park employs a chaplain. The gift shop labeled their shot glasses as toothpick holders, lest they endorsed the sin of alcohol. Here's the greatest example. Despite the fact that Dolly's Vishes was available for purchase on every imaginable type of kish, not a single one of them anywhere in the park showed visible cleavage. Despite the fact that it was Dolly visible cleavage parton on them. The park was unapologetically Christian, but a, Above that, beyond that, more than that.

It was humanist. I'll give you a great example. While I was working there, the park got up in a negative press over a pro-gay marriage t-shirt. An employee at the adjacent water park saw somebody wearing a t-shirt that was in support of gay marriage, and they told them that they had to turn the t-shirt inside out or leave the park because they have a policy there against offensive t-shirts. Now, this is 2011, right? This is sort of the peak of the gay marriage controversy in America. or I don't know, maybe it's the previous

people who the fuck knows where we're going at this point. But the point is that at this point, being against gay marriage was a Christian imperative. And I have no doubt that the Splash Mountain employee was responding to complaints from other Christian guests at the park that saw that t-shirt and got pissed about it. And by the rules of the park, that's the right thing to do. Any t-shirt that's offending guests is banned

regardless of whether the offended people are assholes. But then Dolly heard about it. And Dolly was an unabashed, supporter of the LGBTQ community and she was damned to hell if she was going to let an establishment carrying her name stand for homophobic bigotry. So she issued an official apology. She had the parks leaders come out on camera, stand shoulder to shoulder with her and say that everybody was welcome at Tollywood. And a couple of days later, a representative came by and chatted with me and my team at our booth to make sure that we understood this policy of inclusivity, just like they did with every other

vendor in the park. And if we measure Christian by what the majority of Christians do, the Bible says what the majority of Christians would say as Christian and what the majority of Christian leaders would say that was not the Christian thing to do the Christian thing to do is stand by the employee and ban the t-shirt but what she did was undeniably the humanist thing to do because as Christian as Dolly was what motivated her was her humanity not her Christianity and that's a statement I think she would agree with me on she was all about inclusivity she would never claim that she had some religious monopoly on ethics that was unavailable to atheists or Muslims or Hindus. Hell, as the T-shirt story demonstrates, her humanity often had to overcome her religion.

And I say all of this because I'm seeing her held up as an exemplar of the good Christian an awful lot, even by secular people, right? I've seen people comparing Dali Christians with Donald Christians. And that kind of pisses me off. Christianity doesn't deserve any more credit for her morality than big boobs or blonde wigs. Yes, she was a Christian, but to humanitarianism didn't come from that. It came from the humanity. It's right there in the fucking name.

And when we call her a good Christian, we're not just laundering the ethics of a religion. We're also taking focus off the fact that she was a good person and that that is what matters. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Gumbian pokey of this podcast, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick fellas.

Now, you're ready to show the folks what you can do today. I like to kick, stretch, and kick. I'm 45, motherfuck. Let's do this. And I think I'm the horse, right? That was a whole. I think it is in the name. All right.

In our lead story tonight, the Catholic Church seems to be hoping that if they drag it out long enough, we are going to forget that their primary function between the 1950s and 1990s was child rape, which is why it's super important that we keep talking about every step along the way, this tiny shred of accountability that they're facing three quarters of a century too late, which is why we're going to open up this week with a story about the farcical bullshit standing between the church's victims and the court-ordered settlement the Archdiocese in New Orleans was ordered to pay last year.

This settlement was supposed to amount to about $2.4 million per victim, but after a bunch of bankruptcy shenanigans, that number is down to a bit over a quarter of that if they're lucky. Yeah, a lot of people would find it tricky to designate themselves the moral center of their community and the universe while spending the last year trying to underpay the children that you've already admitted that you raped, but not the Catholic Church. Yeah, the communities are crazy too.

Apparently lots of communities are like, yeah, I guess we could find a backup moral center. but these guys really threaded that needle. I think that's impressive. I'm kind of busy this week. Let's go to the free crackers. Where are we going to get free crackers? So first of all, a quick thanks to Owen for being the first to send in this story to Skating News at gmail.com.

Owen, for sending us this story. I will thank you for sending it to us on air because unlike some people, I don't make promises I can't keep. Oh, yeah. How's Heath's birthday present coming? It's how Stormy's Possom nipple pizza coming? They've been waiting for a fucking year, Eli. Okay, possums are fast, okay? You can't just order the nipples.

People stop replying to your emails. You have to get a whole possum. Eli, how's my last year's birthday present going? But this year's was so good. It was very good. This year's pretty damn good. This year's so good if you think about it. Okay, so weird to steer us back to the child rape story at this point.

But yes, that is where we're going back in 2021. My birthday present from last year. Louisiana, no, Louisiana opened a so-called look-back window that allowed child sex abuse victims to seek compensation from the Catholic Church, even though the statute of limitations for their crime had expired, which is incredibly fucked up because the other option was to get rid of the finish line for child rapists. Why would we have that? I don't know. Why would we ever have had it and why would we keep keeping it? But they did that. And the New Orleans archdiocese promptly declared bankruptcy. And that left their victims little choice but to take their claims to. bankruptcy court. Oh, you're affected by being raped as a child forever. Okay, fine. I declare bankruptcy forever. Are you happy now? No? Yeah, that's the story. Yeah. So naturally, so the Archdiocese pulled

every bullshit shenanigan they can think of because as an institution, they've evidenced literally no regret or contrition whatsoever about the child rape cabal. They haven't continued to fight their victim's efforts at recompense every step of the fucking way, which they absolutely wouldn't do if they had a modicum of morality. But eventually, they begrudgingly agreed to a settlement and they promised to start compensating victims by the end of spring 2026, which you'll notice were way the fuck passed. Yeah, it's in the past. Yeah.

Yeah. And only this past week did they even start sending out letters telling their victims the pittance that they were going to receive now. Small font. Mumble, grumble. Here's your money. Grumble. Grymubble.

Gives the rape money like you mean it. Like you mean it. Seriously, I need a court ruling for that. Like, ruling, they have to give the full amount on national television and give it like they mean it. And they have to say it. Absolutely. Now, admittedly. Say it good.

Try again. When it comes time to dole out a lump sum to a bunch of different sex abuse victims, there's no way to do it that isn't going to have its problems. Yes. And I would be the first to admit my suggestion of great big checks was in poor taste. I would like to, I withdraw it and I apologize. Okay. I do not withdraw the showcase showdown idea. I think that could be good.

Deal or no to get like too hot. Okay. All right. Well, that's really close to what they did. Actually, that's... But the bankers, the put jeopardy. All right. What are we doing?

But see, the thing that they wound up on is maybe as fucked up as anything that you've guys suggested because what they ended up with was a point scale system where, like, getting raped is worth 75 points and digital penetration is worth 56 and getting groomed is worth five. That's the actual fucking system. You know, it has to be fucked up for abuse victims to see that, like, you know, you only got a B minus on your rape or whatever. Also, there's a guy who was anally and orally raped by multiple priests and only scored a 98. And he's rightly asking, hey, this is a hundred scale.

What the fuck does it take to get full marks on this test? Okay. Since you asked, Craig, you hardly required grooming. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Also, that priest was like super hot. Come on. Oh, God.

Come on. Craig. You're being weird. Craig, are you happy now? As to the delay in payment, well, the settlement trust says it was the archdiocese that made the promise to have it done by July, not them, according to the head of that trust. Quote, any promises made by the debtor were not made by the settlement trust. The settlement trust was not consulted by the debtor prior to making these uninformed promises, end quote, which is so close to that's what you get for trust in a bunch of child rapists that I one if that wasn't the first draft.

When I was selling drugs, sometimes people would be like, oh, you're going to give me the bag and then my buddy is going to pay you for it when he gets here. That's what the church is doing to the children they raped in case anyone's following. And by way, you're just like the victims. Yeah. Yeah, no, you are. Thank you. You've been through a lot.

How many points? So, by the way, there are a lot more shenanigans going on here. Like the letters that the victims are receiving are just showing an amount and not how it was tallied. So they have the right to appeal the amount, but without knowing how they arrived at it, they don't know what to appeal. Plus, there's an incredibly horseshit stipulation that says if you want to appeal, you have to pay $1,000 out of pocket for that, for the right to appeal. So I feel like we still might have more follow-ups on this story before they actually see their money.

And in Magamemnon, King of Kings News. Okay, that's really fucking good. In his latest campaign fundraising email blast, Donald Trump explained how giving him money is actually an important act of Christian faith as described in the Bible. Okay, wait, no, let me start over, kind of buried the lead there. Donald Trump is doing campaign fundraising. Yeah, right now. For some reason. I guess in theory, he might use that money to help his fellow Republicans who are eligible.

to run for their office, but that theory doesn't make me feel better. It just doesn't. Either way, he's literally claiming that he's endorsed by God politically. The same God who threw in that loss to Biden as a smokescreen and dramatic tension. Also, God's Super Pack is a bit low on cash and people, you got to put some money in the hat. I'm passing around the hat right now. What the fuck is happening? I mean, to be fair, from the first time the Almighty God made himself known to man,

from the mountaintop. He's been asking to borrow some money until he gets his next track. No, that tracks. Yeah. Yeah. Also, to be clear, in 2018, Trump did the same fucking thing and gave a pittance to the actual midterm candidates. So yes, in addition to tanking the economy in a snit, starting exactly the war he campaigned on not starting, endorsing weak candidates and torpedoing established ones, he's also sponging up fundraising dollars. Like, it's good stuff. Right. Like, if he was a Democratic operative trying to ensure that Republicans lose. I don't know what he would be doing differently. Feels like exactly the same. Well, I mean, he wouldn't be like leaning into the bigotry

that they love so much. But other than that. That part does. Yeah. So here's the actual message that went out to Trump's list of potential supporters and also people who got signed up for insane emails, probably by Eli. I must assume. Craig Corp. Yeah. Well, this one I did not block that you signed me up for. I've had to block lots. This one I'm keeping. It begins, quote, When the storms came, my trust was in something far greater than politics. Hi. I'm self-appointed God, King Donald Trump. And did you know you could get tax-free money out of your mortgage?

Yeah, right? I feel like we're too late for high at this point after the storms come. Starts with high after the storms come. Hello today. Continuing for real. So we're going to talk about it. That was real. Hi.

Since the day, I returned to the White House. I have felt the mighty hand of God guiding this movement. Which is great because my tiny-ass little hands couldn't guide shit even before Quato started trying to pop out over where the fuck's going on here. His word reminds us, if God is for us, who can be against us? That sounds violent. The enemies of freedom thought they could break us with lies, with weaponized courts, with endless persecution, but they were wrong.

the early patriots faced impossible odds, but they stood together with unyielding courage. We must do the exact same. United by prayer, united by conviction, united under God. I love it when they write an email from him that uses words he couldn't pronounce at gunpoint, right? Donald Trump thinks a weaponized court is giving Samuel Alito a gun instead of a gavel. Sure, sure.

But most of his supporters also don't know what any of these words mean, and they just like words with weapon in them generally. So this is probably the logic. It's a simple audience. And from there, Trump alludes to a passage from the Bible about faith, but it wasn't the best pick. He went with the mustard seed thing. So in the book of Matthew, we learned from Jesus Christ, the Son of God, that mustard seeds are the smallest of all seeds on earth.

They're not. They're not. regardless, we're told later that a tiny amount of faith, tiny like a mustard seed, can move mountains and also make a mulberry tree commit suicide. It's confusing the tree part that kind of muddled it with that part. But Trump had already introduced the word seed. They really wanted to use the sweet segue. Here's how it went to email.

Quote, so here's the deal. Okay. Morgan, if Donald Trump says we're going to talk about it, don't. do the freeze frame thing. Okay, I don't know. I don't, I don't want them to have that. So here's the deal. I need you with me right now. And then there's a donate button. When you stand with this movement, you are doing far more than joining a political effort. You are sowing a seed. I'll use that later, of faith into the future of our nation. The Bible tells us that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. Together, our faith will move America back to God, back to truth,

back to greatness. Okay. He just filled out a prosperity gospel form letter with politics words. Exactly. Jesus. And just for the record, this email was just of one of, it was just one of many times that Trump's been selling himself as a divinely chosen messenger. And talking about how God saved him from a bullet by having it just miss him and kill a five writer. About a month ago, Trump sent out a similar. fundraising blast that started with, friend, I want to try and get to heaven. I came millimeters

from death when that bullet pierced through my skin in 2024. Okay, your ear skin, you big baby. It's literally a thing little girls do as a rite of passage, man. My triumphant return to the White House was never supposed to happen. But I believe that God saved me for one reason to make America a great again. I feel like God just felt like TV got boring without you and to be fair, it did. It did. Yeah, so that one was from last month circling back to this latest email.

Here's how Trump wraps it up. Quote, if you cannot give right now, I want you to know your prayers, your faith and your unwavering support mean more to me than all the money in the world. And then he signs off with a photo

of himself. It says, thank you and may God bless his headshot is next Donald John Trump and then there's another button to donate so yeah I think we don't talk about this enough I think religion is bad

like that might be even if you're dealing with a really shitty mulberry tree like an impertinent as fuck mulberry tree who deserves it it might still be a net negative to have religion around I'm just saying might not be worth it might not

and in Garden women's rights news. New Jersey governor, Montclair residents, and my personal best friend, who I have now met twos of times, Mickey Shereil.

It's Mikey Cheryl, and both times you didn't get the right name, I guess. I may or may not have pronounced her name correctly, but I know that I made an impression because she didn't like me that much. She did it anyways.

That's what's important. What's important is, now that she signed a law this week, thank you, that makes it a crime to get in the way of anyone accessing or providing reproductive or gender-affirming health care. So you know what that means? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out.

That's right. Christians are freaking out. And before we get to the lies they're telling about this bill, we should point out that they are actually freaking out for a great reason. Well, yeah, the bill doesn't say anything about Christian people or religion specifically, but it's entirely about Christian people and religion specifically. It's like it's HR doing an office-wide racial sensitivity training just for Michael Scott. Right. The bill.

That's what this is. Like everything else about my home state except the traffic, this bill is awesome. Oh, we're going to pretend that everybody just forgot about Jersey Shore. You have to do so much fucking civil rights to make. got for Jersey Shore. Those guys were from Long Island. And also they were... They were in Jersey. It's fucking...

They were an adorable... Jersey Shore is Long Island with sand. It's... They were adorable death of culture. And I think... They got a little bit of sand. It's our fault for rich people. It's true.

It puts into place real consequences for bigots. It's the bill, not Jersey Shore. Although, to be fair, in the long term, it's Jersey Shore also put into place consequences for Biggots. That's fair. But the bill, it puts into place... real consequences for bigots who try to physically intimidate people from getting the health care they need by blocking doors, driveways, and other entrances with their bodies. Violators face

criminal penalties ranging from 18 months up to five years in prison if their obstruction caused a victim serious bodily harm, but there's more. Those individuals would also be exposed to civil suits from the victim and the state with a minimum of $1,000 per violation plus attorney's fees, injunctive relief, and if they can prove willful or reckless disregard for the law, punitive damages. Last, but certainly not least, if the suit comes from a local state or county prosecutor,

and it very obviously would, violators would face a fine of up to $10,000 for a first offense and $25,000 for subsequent ones. Okay. That makes up for Vinnie. I mean, you'll have to paint the fucking turnpike in rainbows before we forgive you for the situation, but that makes up for Vinnie.

We're getting there. We're getting there. Understandable. Remember, he would do this. He had a nice tummy. And he was like, look at my nice tummy. Like a child. So let's get to the Christian lie because even these idiots know they're not going to garner any sympathy with,

it's like you can't even fight a child on the weight of their life-saving health care anymore. So this is how Marie Tassie, executive director of the anti-abortion group, New Jersey, right to life, describe the bill. quote, peaceful sidewalk counseling, prayer, holding signs, or simply offering help in alternatives outside a facility can easily be labeled intimidation by someone who claims to feel threatened, leaving pro-life advocates open to criminal charges that are difficult to disprove and chilling constitutionally protected expression, end quote. When can you fight a child? No, okay.

We're brainstorming. I didn't love. I heard it. I didn't love. Which is just Marie's thing probably. Yeah. She's kind of like. The implication here seems to be like, what are you supposed to do?

None of the things that could easily be labeled intimidation. Give me a fucking break here. Right. Yeah. And of course, a bunch of other Christians have since joined in on the lying as well. Anti-abortion activist and failed planned parenthood video gotcha creator Lila Rose tweeted about it. LifeSight News ran an article with the headline, New Jersey Governor, Mickey Shereil, signs. Bill. They pronounce her name too, wrong too.

It's not headline. They do it like me. They learned it for me. Yeah, they phonetically spelled it out wrong in the headline. Exactly. Yeah. New Jersey governor, Mickey Shereil, signs bill banning, praying outside abortion centers. Right wing group, 40 Days for Life, announced that it would pay the legal bills for any Christians arrested under this law, assuming their protest was peaceful, which is nothing because- Definitely. Because peaceful protesters wouldn't be violating the law under this bill.

Late edition, none other than Kevin Sorbo. He's alive still. I bet it was witless. Yeah. He tweeted, quote, New Jersey just passed the bill that says you can no longer pray silently near Planned Parenthood. They are officially changing their state motto from the garden state to the murder state. Got them.

Congratulations. Yeah. Super clever. Okay. Jersey should just lean in and actually do that and be like, well, yeah, we're the murder state. Like Virginia is for lovers and Jersey is for killing the baby when you're done in Virginia. You get some tourism. Put that on some billboards up and down 995.

And then you go to New York for dinner to celebrate. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Kevin, they don't exist. But if and when they do, we will make an exception to any law against being silent anywhere if you're the one shutting the fuck up. Okay. That's how they'd get us.

That's how they'd get us. One last thing about this story. And I know it's like a personal thing. so forgive me. Governor Sherell actually signed this bill at my personal favorite Planned Parenthood in the state. Do you have a favorite? I do. The one right near Montclair State University in downtown Montclair. Now, some of you might be thinking like my co-host, that it is odd to have a favorite planned parenthood. I'm not against it, but yeah, I'm curious. But you would be wrong. Okay. Because thanks to traffic laws and the positioning of this Planned Parenthood,

when Christian Bigots want a protest there, they have to stand on this tiny little island in the center of a traffic intersection. Nice work, Montclair. And when the extremely liberal residents of Montclair see them there because the only people ever there are the anti-abortion loons, they honk at them and they screened them to fuck themselves and it rock. It's just the fucking best. It's great.

Okay, hey, Montclair, maybe add like a ring of parking around the island as a honking lot. And like, also, you know, whatever other word lot. I don't know. You brainstorm. Salem's lot. A bunch of cats popping out of graves at them. So, yeah, it's bad to be a bigot in New Jersey and it just got worse.

But be warned, podcast listener, if this takes off and that protest spot is really close to my favorite gelato place. So if those motherfuckers ever start blocking that door, the one to my favorite gelato place, I'm just saying they'll be begging. to be thrown in prison, okay? So there you go. And since we're already on the misogyny subject, I guess it's a fine time to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible.

A horse which is what you want. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fine. Hey, I'm glad of a man. This week in massage. A lot of Christians like to write in and say that their religion isn't as bad as we make it out to be.

That we're cherry picking to make it sound worse than it is. And of course we are. That's our whole thing. It would be insane for us to end the show with a list of very nice interactions preachers had at soup kitchens to balance shit out. We're not here to give an objective assessment of the pros and cons of religion. We're here to point out that it's bullshit. And very often it's dangerous bullshit. But if you do want an objective yardstick to measure Christianity, but I just look at who feels welcome in your group.

Like when famous Christians are accused of sexual assault, and abusing their partners. They don't turn to an atheist community that's welcoming them in with open arms, but the Russell Brands and Shaila Boots of the world sure as hell get a warm welcome when they strap on the cross, don't they? Well, I've got a lesser known name

to add to that list for you this week. Ricky Fisher is a former San Diego sheriff's deputy that made the news twice. The first time was almost a decade ago when more than 20 women came forward to accuse him of sexual assault and abuse. His victims included women he'd pulled over, women who had called the police for help, and just women he encountered on the street. Then he made the news again a couple years later when he pled guilty to 16 felonies and misdemeanors.

But not the ones that represented the worst charges against him. He managed to plead down to stuff that wouldn't even technically count as sex crimes. Then he got an absurdly light sentence of 44 months, and victims and their advocates were so appalled at how lenient that was that it made national news again. And then there was another blip when he got out of jail after serving less than half of it. Well, now he's blipping again, because he just got hired to work as a chaplain for Christian cops.

The Christian Law Enforcement Fellowship describes itself on its website as, quote, a non-denominational Christian organization committed to a biblically oriented outreach to the law enforcement community of San Diego County. end quote. A phrasing they may want to reconsider after hiring a guy whose noteworthy outreach was mostly grabbing women's crotches. And this isn't a case where they just didn't vet their hire. They knew perfectly well who he was. They're the group that ministered to him while he was in jail.

And on their website, they sell his story as a Christian redemption story, though they euphemize forcing domestic abuse victims to perform oral sex on him all the way down to facing some extremely challenging situations in his bio. But here's the thing. From all accounts, he was super-duper Christian before he was convicted to. He didn't find Jesus in prison. He didn't reform his gambling, cussing, drinking ways. There's no redemption arc here. There's just a flat line where a rapist got away with it. And when asked about this by the Associated Press to Fellowship's president said, quote, did he do something wrong? Absolutely, yes. But we are all sinners. We all deserve

God's forgiveness, end quote. And look, we're only all sinners because y'all added a bunch of stupid-ass rules against thinking shit and being gay. We're not all rapist. And the only reason we all deserve God's forgiveness is because God is pretend. This motherfucker sure as hell doesn't deserve our forgiveness. And from what his victims say, he hasn't even sought theirs. Anyway, just another case of Christianity being the last place that a shitty person feels welcome. And apologies, because I had other stories I wanted to get to, but this story was too fucked up to summarize. So I guess that with the promise that I at least have a head start now if no misogyny happens before next week, I can hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. And finally tonight, in Cookie is Slant.

news. No idea. There are cookie slam. There are very few organizations. It's where you bite the ends off a cookie and then you drink a yummy drink through it. It's a thing in Australia especially, but you can do it with Girl Scout cookies and it's really yummy. My joke was amazing based on how many sentences I had to say.

I'm glad we clarified. You know what they say? If you have to explain your joke really fast and really quiet, it's the funniest thing and then you're in a snit for the next minute. And then you spend the rest of your podcast and a pout. It's because of how funny and great it was. Mickey Shereil. Quidditch, Mickey Shirel.

My best friend. There are very few organizations is obviously great for the world as the Girl Scouts of America. Unlike their masculine counterpart, the Girl Scouts teach valuable skills for people who don't need to climb a rope upside down. They've avoided becoming a symbol of Christian nationalism,

homophobia, and religious bigotry, all while not having a devastating, and prevalent child abuse problem. Except for the severe child labor thing they do. Basically, basically, they're proof that religious people are full of shit when they apologize for their own shit. Okay, so as awesome as the Girl Scouts actually are, they're mostly useful as an example of how low the fucking bar is now.

Holy shit. But it's a nice bar. It's a low. The cookies are good. The cookies are great. Okay. So it is no surprise that when religious people learned that the Girl Skis offer a badge about learning about other cultures this week.

Those Christians took the opportunity to lose their minds and cry Sharia law. Okay. Obviously, to be clear, a Girl Scout got a badge for, like, making a falafel or something. And some Christian lunatic heard about that and was like, you did not live. I'm reporting this. Exactly. Yeah. Right.

So, first of, a big thanks to Hemet, Mehta, over at the Friendly Atheist for bringing this story to our attention. over at the Friendly Atheist Blonde. You can check out his excellent work at The Friendly Atheist.com, but if you burn I heart you into his lawn, he's a real jerk about it. So just a heads-up. Honestly, I think he was mostly just appalled

by the spelling. That's fair. That's fair. Right. So this panic originates, at least this week, with Steve Bannon's podcast co-host, Natalie Winters, who tweeted an exclusive scoop

about, quote, the Islamization of girls. Girl Scouts across America. The Twitter thread showed a variety of badges that, according to winters, were for non-Muslim girls invited to mosques to observe Islamic prayer. Haji patches, sahada lessons, required white hijams, and Ramadan lockins. Okay. It takes a special guy of person to get angry about the integrity of fabric patches that kids are getting.

There's no way. Come on. I am only forgiving that slight. against her lady G.C. BW. NW. Princess Donut at the Queen Anne Chunk because I know you haven't read the books. Exactly right. Exactly right. Fabric badges matter. Exactly. So,

as you may have guessed, the Girl Scouts do not, in fact, offer a Berka badge. What they do have is a relationship with a bunch of third party religious organizations of a bunch of different faiths who are allowed to give out unofficial badges to girls

who share and celebrate their culture including parts of their faith. Amazing. Okay, so this is like, how dare patches exist? Freak out. Literally. Jesus Christ.

So, of course, a bunch of Christian liars jumped on this, which in turn meant that Girl Scouts had to release a statement clarifying, quote, there's misinformation circulating online today about Girl Scouts and religion. Here are the facts.

Girl Scouts is not a religious organization and does not teach religion. For more than a century, we welcome girls of every faith and background. Our national My Promise My Faith pin invites girls to connect Girl Scout law with their own faith. Any other faith-based patches are developed by independent faith organizations. Not Girl Scouts of the USA. Girl Scouts is proudly for every girl, end quote.

Also, I can't believe I have to do this. No, the new, Explore More cookies aren't spelled like that. It's not Explore a more. It's M-O-R-E. Just explore more. Idiots. This is my job today. Fuck.

The phrase explore more scares the shit out of Christians too. Yeah, they don't like that. Yeah, it's a bad idea. So I think it's obvious to those of us reading between the lines that the Girl Scouts have fully fallen to the Muslim Caliphate.

And if we don't want to get left behind, we're going to get on board. So let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, okay. New flavors for Sharia-themed Girl Scout cookies. Go. tag along dress that also covers your ankle. Oh, that's where we're starting.

That's where the bar is. I appreciate that. You're welcome. Vanilla Bismilla. Okay. Dosy Dohas. Oh, nice. They're kind of like nutter butter.

They're cutter butters. Yeah. Okay, stay with me. Stay with me. FGM, mona. Oh, Jesus Christ. Pepperage farm dismembered. Oh, there you go.

on halalman crescents. Cocoa Haram. Nice. Okay. Caramel delights my daughter on fire. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. This segment is off the rails. I appreciate you soften that one up before I had to go with.

Insufficiently subservient lady fingers. These taste acidic to you. Globalize thin minty fada. There we go. I have to have thin mince in this segment. It has to go in there somewhere. Obviously, okay. It's not just a Sharia thing.

That's just like a phrase. But like I'm saying, I had to get the cookie in there. It's really good cookie. And with a quick reminder that of all the things that the Girl Scouts gave us, the best one was our favorite listener, April Poth. We're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Eli Heath, thanks as always. Too much.

And when we come back, the couches will have slip covers padlocked into place. Don't worry. Of all the things I've learned doing this podcast, perhaps the one that surprises me the most is just how long. it can take to read a book if you really don't want to read that book. Speaking of which, it's time for another installment of God Awful Books. So yeah, so on the last installment, we cracked open J.D. Vance's new book, Communion, Finding My Way Back to Faith, and then we cracked it the fuck closed again. Really quick. We only made it through the introduction. So now we're

going to finally tackling chapter one. And I'll admit that the name of the first chapter was intriguing. I was in. It's chapter one. What's the matter with J.D. Vance. Never really dives into the interesting parts of that question. Communion by J.D. Vance with a forward by his couch. There we go. And so we're all of 14 words into the very first chapter before we start to wonder if Vance raped a teenage boy. Okay. Like seriously, here's the opening fucking sentences of his fucking book. Quote, some years ago, I was driving through rural Indiana with a teenage family friend. What the fuck

is a teenage family friend? Yeah. If you're describing children as anonymized police reports, I am suspicious. This is crazy. The bad guy from this ambler, I just got, has the same car as me. That's right. What is that?

Anyway, tell me about your trauma, teenage family friend who's driving through Indiana with everything about that sentence is bad. Yep, absolutely. Absolutely. So, and then we make a hard and left turn into that kid's mom trying to kill herself with an overdose. And we learned that Wesley, that's the kid that he raped allegedly, grew up in one of those sub-Catholic non-denominational churches. Her Christianity was cut with something far worse than fentanyl. Protestantism.

You need faith and good works to appease God, the God who invented fentanyl. That's important. Right. He's going to spend the whole time doing that shit. and like Catholics a little bit different. Yep. And I like it now. Yeah.

But that's the thing is that he's basically implying that because Wesley had the wrong type of Christianity, this wishy-washy non-denominational shit, he was blaming God for his problems, right? But we eventually turned to JD's crisis of faith because, you know, Wesley was just there to pad the word count. And what made him first start questioning God was the death of his mamma. I was saying mama, but he spells it kind of like, mama, you know? Like he's a whiny French person yelling for his mom. Sure, sure, yeah. Mamma.

But Mamma used to write prayers on napkins and store them by her bedside because she probably had an undiagnosed mental illness. A lot of people have bedside. I mean, it doesn't have to be necessarily. It could be. What we learned here most importantly is that Mamaw was a cuss and shooting hillbilly Mamaw. Okay.

J.D. Vance literally grew up poor and somehow forget. got how to talk like that. He sounds like me trying to pick a fight with Lucinda outside of a Waffle house. Oh, my mama was a rootin' tutin. Come on. So he's Give me your bell. He's just like, I learned

what I know about theology from an old lady with 19 loaded guns in her home. Yeah, that's right. Back in the 500, sorry, the 513 is what we said in the hood back. We'd say she was rootin-tooting. That's right. Indeed.

Full of ris. What? But he explains that... Let me get a glazed normal. Just whatever makes sense. But yeah, he explains that he's a manly man who likes guns. Not sure if he mentioned that, but he's pretty manly about his manliness. Yeah.

And speaking of guns, I started being a theologian at age seven when my great uncle died. I realized that our soul is a bullet and our body is the casing. And God, of course, spends... Well, yeah, most of his day, shooting about like 150,000 bullets into the sky or the ground. Because, you know, heaven is up and hell is down. And he's going to go both ways. I knew what a metaphor was when I was seven. I guess.

Yeah, but he explains that they were a Billy Graham family, not one of those fucking Benny Hinn families, okay? Oh, I'm picturing. Please tell me this was the Pokemon Red versus Blue for Christian kids, right? Like New Coke versus Crystal Pepsi, yeah. Yes, exactly. Shit sandwich versus double shit sandwich. Yeah. He's clearly just doing a retcon here to make Mama into a wise old genius who knew the whole time.

Mama could just tell that Benny Hin was fraud, making millions from his dumb followers without actually doing any real God magic, but not Billy Graham. He would never. He would never. Yes, yes. He fucks up his own retcon in retrospect. Yeah, but there's also this amazing moment where he talks about how like Mamma particularly like one preacher in town who

JD still hasn't figured out she was fucking back then. A hundred percent, yeah. Good old pastor James David. That's so weird. He's always checking our windows, I think, to like, to structure. He would sneak out in a morning through them.

Yeah, so weird. He was old, but he wanted to make sure our windows were good. on some mornings. So that he segues into an explanation of the fusion of church and the GOP in the 70s. But here's how he does it. He goes, you know, scholars differ on how this relationship became such an important part of American society. Because otherwise, you'd have to admit that, no, it was just racism. Everybody pretty much agrees it was just racism.

Yeah. Okay. So there was the civil rights movement. And then we all agreed a lot more. It's real. Pickle. Yeah. So anyway, yada, yada, yada.

B actor takes over. and does tax cuts for rich people. It just kind of where he's unrelated. It just kind of worked out. Anyway, I got to go break a tie in the Senate for a big, beautiful bill. Be right back, yeah. So, and we're on page 13

before he makes an argument for murdering babies if they go to heaven. Right? Like, full disclosure, he's talking about the Moses story, but still. Okay, yes, admittedly, God killed all those Egyptian kids

to spite Pharaoh. But they went, the kids went to heaven. Point is, point is Arab kids getting killed from above. It's right there in the Bible. It's important. Just remember that for anything. Anything

if it happens. Yeah. It's good. So we're also, we're on page 13 again when he starts repeating himself. Because he tells us for the second time here that Mamma didn't actually go to church all that much. Well, sure. She had all the prayer she needed on her dirty Duncan nap. Yeah. Yeah.

He says that like, Mama lived right next to a Protestant in church, but she was pretty sure the pastor was a pedophile. Anyway, let's keep going with my book about becoming Catholic. Because Catholic is awesome. Why would you put that in your, why add that part? Just leave that out. He explains that Mamma was okay with abortion and didn't want to outlaw everything

that she didn't like. And I was like, well, sounds like a fucking communist to me, if you ask me. Yeah, I'm way more conservative than my barely educated pre-civil rights, gun-toting napkin-horning mamma. She would hate me on J.D. Vance. Here's the thing with Mama. She was great. She was great. She didn't fully grasp the value

of good fascism. And neither did God. And fuck Pope Leo. Wait, no, sorry. That's where I was doing a tweet. Let me just. I was just for a tweet. So, and then we learned that J.D.'s absentee dad was actually pretty cool despite what mom and mamma said about he totally didn't want to abandon me, guys. It's just that he had...

It's really sad. If I had the slightest ability to feel any empathy for J.D. fucking Vance, this would have been so sad. Yeah. And for those who read Hillbilly Elegian are keeping track, that means that J.D. Vance has now written two books about how his dad, who abandoned him and has never, ever shown any signs that he wanted to do otherwise, could still totally come play catch if he read this. He's out getting cigarettes, but he only likes Dunhills.

They're hard. They're like specific cigarettes. It's hard to find. Also, I'm afraid of playing catch. I'll just get hit. Yeah, right. He goes like, you know, but in that church I went to as a kid, I learned a lot of very important stuff. And then he, like, he lists the important stuff.

He learned and it's like, it's all shit. Like, any kid who watched Sesame Street would have picked up by age four. Okay. Well, Elmo never throws Rocco at a woman who won't marry her husband. brother. Okay, no, that's fair. Okay, I loved this part. Jady mentions that all that rock and roll music was too loud

for him, but he devoured every word from the articulate pastor at this church. And I was like, oh my God, what a perfect window into J.D. Vance. He was the kid who only reads the articles of porn, but for church.

Yes. So then he tackles the question of whether Republican Christian voters vote against their own interests, right? And he answers that by ignoring the question that he himself asked. The closest he ever musters to a defense is but abortion, though. Which, again, is also towards their interest. Just ask J.D. Vance's dad.

Yeah, right. Okay. This whole book, it's just calling back these unhillibility elegy, wherever that book fucks up his new Catholic fascism thing. Really? Yeah. buddies of Donald Trump. That book,

Hillbilly Ellies, he was already stupid, but now he has to explain like, fuck coal miners. It's all about fetuses and crypto. I don't. I know.

And he mentions what's the matter with Kansas. That's the book about the working class voting against their economic interests. And the answer to the question in the title of that book is J.D.

Vance's brand of religion and racism. Yeah. That's the matter with Kansas. It sure is. And he also kind of admits that the war on Christmas is stupid, which is more honesty than I was expecting. I'll give him that. Yeah.

Yeah. To be fair, he has since realized that he can just start real wars for attention. Think about all the time they waste them. Yeah. And then he explains that his dad's church taught him that Harry Potter was satanic. Let me ask you guys a real question. Do you think if the Christians knew what she was going to do with the money, they'd have been cooler? Yeah.

Right? I feel like she should have led with the best. Bigger tree should have been like, no, I'm telling you guys, I'm going to use all of this. All of it. JD actually mentions that the church immediately hated Harry Potter, said it was satanic. And then they argued about Lord of the Rings, but they finally landed on, you know, J.R. Tolkien getting a pass. Yeah, he was like he was really nervous about it and everything.

So in high school, though, he realized that trickled down economics. That was the way to go, guys. You remember when Jesus, he was a, what did he do? He deregulated the money changers or something like. It was because of the laugh for a year. He came in there and he was like, your job creators. So they gave him a jet.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then he grabbed his bootstraps and joined the Marines, right? Because of all the manly badassery. Right. Yeah. Manly badassery.

Right. When he saw plenty of combat in the Marines, in the war theater of ideas as a Marine Corps blogger. He was a blogger for the Marines. Yeah. They have bloggers? Yep. A little bit.

You don't have a blog, relax. But I could have. Maybe they would have given me the discipline I needed to stick to my blog. I could have been the Navy seal of bloggers. No, I don't think you could have. The Jew, the proud. There it is. Can I use a hard, Jay?

You have to. You have to. If Morgan cuts this, I'm this. The whole next episode. Okay. So then he takes a second to assure us that he's actually, like a John every man and has real struggles. There's a lot of addiction and sadness in his life, right?

Because his Christian readers need a lot of excuses why he publicly called himself an atheist at any point in his past. And he explains that his first seeds of doubt appeared when he was deployed in Iraq where you're allowed to, you know, question God. Yeah, if there wasn't a God, why did George W. Bush dodge that shoe so good. Oh, so fucking good. Like, Neo. I know.

The chosen one, Neo. Maybe George's God. Now watch my traffic. explains a lot. Now watch this. It's also this weird moment where like Mama called to say that she couldn't afford her health care

and he's like and that's a problem I would dedicate my life to exacerbating. When I heard those words I thought to myself, why the hell did she have health care in the first? Okay, I know you're making a joke but the answer is because working class Republicans are all

quietly taking socialized bootstraps from the new deal and either pretending that it's not there or like knowing what's going on and fucking hating it because they're embarrassed. He also, he brings up Terry Shivo, which I thought was insane. But like, to his credit, his point was like, why were we focused on that shit when there were real problems in the world? But to his debit, the real problems that he mentioned were divorce rates and abortion.

Yeah. Terry Shivo is like if the fetus being aborted had asked to die very clearly in legal paperwork. So it's trickier. It's trickier. Sonogram's showing like the courts like in a. news change. I don't know what she does crazy. Well, but then he says he was wrong and all atheists

to feel that way. So it's actually, he was wrong. He's all debit. No credit for that. The Yala boss next door. Yeah, right. So yeah, but he'd only been helping Mama with her bills for a few months before she died. My immediate thought was like, I bet he killed her to save himself some money just like he did with the Pope.

Yeah, I don't have any evidence. But then, okay, so on his way back to the base from his mamma's funeral, God almost killed him with a car accident for being all atheist and doubtful. He was on a mountain road on a dark and stormy night when, quote, some combination of speed, slickness and bad luck sent me hurling towards a guardrail. I'm like some combination of you being a shitty driver.

It's not complicated. Yeah, no, God has punished me many times for playing Candy Crush when I drive. It's really, that's his sign to me. Just God standing. the Wiley Coyote looking at J.D. Vance who stops right on ledge. Dude, try the plunger again. I don't know. He's going to kill the Pope

in a few years if we don't get this done. We got to get this done. And destroy a trophy. But he's like, you know, just when I thought I wasn't going to stop in time, I stopped in time. This is the actual quote. Something stopped it, it being the car. Something beyond my comprehension

or control. And I was like, yeah, it's anti-lock braking. that's beyond your comprehension. Or based on how it sounds like you were driving, it could have been the car that stopped. Yeah, I mean, like physics is beyond your comprehension and control, Jaddy Vance. I do believe that.

Also, though, you're lying. Also, none of this matter. Like, I don't die all the time. Yeah. Yeah. That's nothing. None of the truth. He's never done.

He's never done. He goes, he's like, I didn't even feel the jerk of my seatbelt. And I'm like, okay, so you weren't going very fast. then. Dude, this is somehow less impressive than Ross doubt that's the overheating battery got hot miracle. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, as Heath covered a couple weeks

back, Ross and J.D. would go on to top this story by getting a glass thrown at them by a bartender one time. Yeah, a glass broke at a bar full of glasses, because bars are full of glasses. And Ross was like, work for Barry Weiss. Got it. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to be hated at the New York Times and bullied by Ezra, and then I'm going to work for Barry Weiss. That was what that meant. And JD was like, work for the guy I called America's Hitler. Got it. Got it. You clever fucking minx guy. I understand what you did with that glass breaking.

He actually says, quote, perhaps I wasn't going as fast as I felt in the moment. And I'm like, yeah, man. Yeah, that's much more plausible than the creator of the universe reached down his mighty hand to intervene and scoge my car. back like a fucking hot wheels. Hey, J.D., just follow up question. What's the lesson from God when you just barely touched

the National Championship trophy and exploded in burst of length? So now you go back to Atheist? I think you're not listening to signals. Well, what's funny is that the story makes him sound like an idiot, but that's the point. Right? And he's trying to speak

Rube. And this is what he's like, well, you guys sound like this when you talk, right? Yeah, back then, I was wrong about everything except the origins of the universe and the meaning of life. Other than that, yeah. No, but breaks existing on a car or no, the death of Mamma shook his faith all the way down to the atheism. And also, they moved up his deployment, so he missed his 21st birthday party, guys. White privilege my ass.

This man has real problems. Listen, my David Buster's power card, it was full, and then it expired. When I could, you got it expired. No, and I could not get a refund. They wouldn't get it. They said no cash value. So, yeah, God is dead. That's what happens.

In case you're wondering. Also, there's this sad moment where he's like, I couldn't tell my fellow Marines about my problems because they fucking hated. We just fucking hated. Everyone was always reading the first couple chapters of full metal jacket. And they were always like, you, JD, when's the soap delivery coming in? And I was like, oh. Oh, wait.

It's not for a while with the. So, really. Hey, J.D., do you want to just just kill yourself like now? Yeah. We have the soap that, but the bullying, it's like, ah, it's going to be a whole thing. That is your rifle and that is your gun. Yeah. There you go. He went to war and he left God behind.

So that's the message there. All right. Well, click before he has to admit that what he did in Iraq was blogger. We're going to wrap up there. But we have J.D. Vance's war stories to look forward to on the next installment of God Awful Books I would have been such a good war blogger

I don't think you would have. I think you would have. You need a compilation clip. The whole thing is spelling. If you know I was in like the straight of Hormuz right now blogging about it and I could guarantee he wouldn't be like exploded.

Also, that would be exciting. Iraq was the first time that we could kind of see that the outlines were people and that was no fun. But I would have made him into fun compilation clips. Yes, you would have been like, bah, bam, bam, bam, but, da, but, but, da,

no, that took the Trump administration a while to come up with that. Shit. Before we back slowly into the bushes this week, I want to remind you that this show is available on YouTube these days. In case you want to see what we look like while we're doing this shit,

that being said, the audio-only version isn't going anywhere. We're expanding out into new markets, not abandoning old ones. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week, but we're back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand-new episode

of our sister-so's hot friend Godfellful movies, day being at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sercule citation needed day being at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would fucking suck if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being so credible, Eli Bosnick for being so incredible,

and Lucinda Lusions for being so edible. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Ghost dive, Marie, Pierre, Harry, Jersey, Dan, Broadfieler means breadleader, Eric Kim, Dr. Houdonanors, Ken from C, T, I am Antiva, Obo, Juan, Logan, Fam, Chani, Dan, and Matt from Canada. Ghost dive, Marie, Marie, Pierre,

Harry, Jersey, Dan, and Broadfrewer, who are so smart. We all got an extra IQ point just from hearing all their names listed together like that. Eric Kim, Dr. Houtanters, Ken and Antifa, who are what those Chinese robots that couldn't stop were running towards. An Obo-Wan logo, Fam, Chani, Dan, and Matt, who are so sophisticated. Their blood types are Greek letters. Together, these 15 free thinkers and families of free thinkers founded in themselves to fund our fuckfestoon Fippery this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to do that, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing Aeatheast, whereby you'll earnerling access to an extended ad-free version of every episode,

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