The Scathing Atheist - 704: Snake Juggling Edition

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

In this week’s episode, JD Vance is MEH on causing the apocalypse, Christians at Burning Man are wildly offended by a celebration of death and rebirth, and Nintendo set the release date for the Ocarina of Time remake for November 5th. Unrelated to the show, but we have to at least acknowledge it.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:JD Vance worries the Antichrist walks among us: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/sep/02/jd-vance-god-podcast-end-timesPete Hegseth all pissy because MMRF made gate guards stop being all Christian about it: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/hegseth-air-force-base-religious-greetings-b3045381.htmlChristian employers may now be protected from trans discrimination claims: https://www.thepinknews.com/2026/09/02/christian-employers-transgender-discrimination/Christian missionaries were not kicked out of Burning Man for preaching the Gospel: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/christian-missionaries-were-not-kicked

Warning, it's not that this podcast isn't safe for work. It's that work isn't safe for this podcast. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by Mint Stay in the Fuck Home because sometimes that's just as good. And now, the Skating Atheist. It's Thursday. It's September 10th. And it's Blame it on the Large Haldron Collider Day. That's almost true.

Maybe not tomorrow, but all the other days, go for it. Sure. Sure, yeah. I'm no illusions. I'm Elon Bosnick. I'm Heathenright. And from Derek, Jeter's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and way across Georgia.

This is the scathing east. On this week's episode, J.D. Vance is mad on causing the apocalypse. Christians at Burning Man are wildly offended by a celebration of death and rebirth. And Nintendo set the release date for the Okerina of Time remake for November 5th, unrelated to the show, but I thought like we at least had to acknowledge it. But first, the diet. I'm obviously no historian. Hell, I don't even think I qualify as a history buff.

I don't have a favorite Roman emperor or a favorite battle, but I do read a lot of history. And for the last year and a half or so, I've been casting around for the closest historical parallel to what's going on with the second Trump administration. Now, for a while, I thought I'd find my answer in Putin's Russia or Erdogan's Turkey. But I mean, there's a lot of useful comparisons that you can make in those. But I'm starting to fear that the closest parallel in modern history, might just be the aftermath of the Iranian revolution. And by all means, if you know history better than me, you got a better comparison, let me know. But there are a lot of terrifying similarities.

Now, I'll admit at the outset that we're talking about a lower order of magnitude here, right? Like, as bad as Trump is, he's no Ayatollah Khomeini. He's not fucking executing people on the roof of the White House yet. And unlike the Iranian Revolution that toppled an existing government and replaced it, Trump is trying to rebuild the engine while the car is heading down the interstate. with predictable results. But if you look at Trump 2.0 is like a slow motion,

tepid version of the post-revolutionary consolidation under Iran's supreme leader. The images line up really well. I mean, this is far from an exhaustive list, but you've got the aggressive rollback of women's rights, major efforts to restrict voting, extra rights and privileges for the favored religious class, naked and unapologetic corruption,

the subordination of science to religious dictates. Wait, I need another hand to count. dishe, interference with educational institutions to bend the curriculum, to religiously hegemonic nationalistic visions of the ruling party, the neutering of the legislative branch, the ideological takeover of the judicial branch, rest in control of history from museums, the wholesale abandonment of the populist position that fueled the leaders rise on religious grounds. It really feels like history has a stutter on this one. And of course, the scariest thing about that particular parallel is that Comani's been dead for almost 40 fucking years.

And his country still isn't broken out of the theocratic cage that he put it in. Because look, most of the idiotic shit that Trump has done is pretty easily reversible, right? The maps are going to revert to the Gulf of Mexico and Lake Ontario, the fucking nanosecond he's out of office. Even if he manages to build his stupid arch, we're probably going to tear it down. His ballroom probably won't outlive him. His name won't profane the Kennedy Senator any longer than the graffiti that he's, it is. The lasting change that threatens this country after he's gone, though, is the theocracy that's being installed around and underneath him. Trump has always been no more than a

useful buffoon for the priests, preachers, and tycoons yank in his knotted strings. He's been the unpopular sponge that could soak up all the hate for enacting their unpopular ideas. But if he can lock down this theocratic bullshit tight enough before that fucking xenomorph burrows the rest the way out of his hand or whatever that he is, it might not matter that he's gone. Iranians have voted in reformers over and over again in the past four decades, but it's never mattered. The system was rigged to put all the power in the hands of whatever leader, the dominant religion rallied around. Every other branch of the government was effectively neutered under Khomeini and the first few years of his frustratingly similarly named successor.

I swear, sometimes it feels like Trump went to war with them because he's just jealous at how much better they are at Theocracy than he is. Now, the good news is that Trump's lack of popular mandate has forced his version to move in slow motion. And there's still enough power in the legislative branch that if we win the midterms, we can reverse course on this shit. But if we lose the midterms, I fear that our only remaining solace is going to be to Donald Trump is no Ayatollah Kameni. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the up and up to Maya Way, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to take off? Doge to the moon. That's good. Big Bitcoin fans here on Skare. We're really nervous about the Patreon. Yeah, right. All right, well, it looks like we're going to take a quick break in a phone booth, so we're going to hand you over to a word from this week's sponsor, Mint Mobile. Lou, Lou, Lou, doing Eli stuff.

Eli stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, Eli? You look happy. Is that a kitty pool full of mashed potatoes? Indeed it is, no illusions. Indeed it is, because today I am free. Did you get unbanned from the Wendy's? Or, wait, did you become a Christian without me?

We said we're going to do same time. No, we said that. No, guys, guys, far better than that. My six-year-old just started school again. I see. I just wish everyone could feel this free. But, Eli, they can by switching to Mint Mobile during the Mint Summer Sale. What's the Mint Mobile summer sale?

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So what are you going to do with all your free time, Eli? Oh, I'm going to worry that he's not having fun at school. Got it. It seems like you're having a bad life, man. Yeah. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, in Devon Intervention News, we have a story about J.D. Vance. You know, God's plan for the universe.

So, J.D. doesn't have a lot going on right now as Vice President. Slow week. The United States. He tried to help campaign for his fellow Republicans ahead of the midterms, but has been going very well. when he spoke at a rally for Susan Collins in Maine, Susan Collins didn't show up to that rally for Susan Collins. So not great. So without much to do,

JD's been spending lots of time promoting our segment called God-awful books. We've been reviewing Communion, finding my way back to faith by some big Catholic guy. Well, the latest stop on Jady's book tour was a Christian podcast, and we learned that our VP is totally cool. with the end times, but he's mildly concerned about the Antichrist. He might already be hanging out on Earth,

just casing the joint, I guess. Really? Okay, but a Twitch streamer sang a sad song about Charlie Kirk, ironically, guys. So what we're saying is both sides have problems. Okay, nobody's perfect. Wow, JD, if only there was some deceptive, boastful authoritarian, war-mongering world leader

who corrupts Christianity, builds towers, and famously survived a head wound that you could really focus your search on. But I guess... I'm not being great. I got nothing. So the podcast in question is hosted by a guy named Bryce Crawford. Sorry, who knew? Bryce with a Y Crawford.

You might recognize that name if you're a big fan of the energy drink called praise energy drink. Oh, and we are. That's the one with a mascot named Zion the Lion. That's exciting. Yeah. Zion is not about the hype. by the way, if you were wondering. He's not. He's not. He's not very down to earth. He might assume it. Lion named Zion. So naturally the big question is, are we in the end times? Because,

you know, that would change everything. And here's what our VP had to say on the topic. Quote, the end times may be coming. In fact, they are coming. It's just a question of whether they're coming thousands of years down the road or a few months down the road. If my work leads to the end times. Okay. Okay. Cool. Cool. Okay. Continuing. And if that leads to us building a better world that thrives and survives for a very long time after I'm gone, that's great too. End quote, except the part where I got Yelly. Okay. I'm neutral as to whether or not I bring about the end of the world is better than I was expecting from JD viz. No, that's fair. That's fair. That's like, glad to know that he's good with not destroying the world.

I would love that to be more than an afterthought, but it is nice. He's ambivalent. So the obvious next question on everyone's mind, what about the Antichrist? What about the Antichristian? Now, there you go. It might sound like I'm kind of joking there, but it feels like a totally normal thing to ask specifically J.D. Vance about. Not for the reasons that Bryce Crawford, I'm sure it was thinking about,

But it's a solid question for Jady. And here's what Jady had to say on that topic. Quote, I think there are things about the world that make me feel like not shocked if the Antichrist was walking among us. I mean, honestly, me too, J.D. But that's like your fault, though, man. Speaking of Antichrist stuff, they did address that one time Donald Trump posted an image of himself as Jesus Christ, healing a sick guy with magic. And also, Shredder was there.

Bryce said, it made me upset when Trump did that. But J.D., he smoothed it over, saying, quote, the president didn't mean... Shut up, Bryce. Boo, nerd. Slaps on, flat. The president didn't mean any offense. Obviously, he loves Christians.

Did Donald Trump mean to post a meme of himself as God? no. The president has a good sense of humor. He did not mean to mock or mimic God. That's just not who he is. He's a backslapper and a bit of a ballbuster. You know that bit where it's like up high, down low, I am the Lord thy God. He loves me. He's a good classic Don. I honestly, I find the alternative implications so much more disturbing because as near as I can tell, that's that like Trump was over taken by some kind of fucking alien mind control device that tweeted shit out on his behalf? Yeah. Or maybe Shredder did it? Oh, okay.

Yeah. Back there. I was a clue. So from there, the conversation shifted naturally to UFOs. Of course. Right. Especially considering Jady's comment from earlier this year when he said that he's pretty sure UFOs are actually demons, like demons with cool ships that we have not

identify. And here's what Jady added last week. He said, quote, I don't have the file that says this wasn't a UFO. It was actually a demon. My attitude is, isn't it as likely that there are angels or demons if there are extraterrestrials? It's our vice president. He continues, but I don't have like a top secret file that sort of proves that one of way or another. Oh, oh, you thought that we thought you had proof and you weren't showing it to us? That wasn't the issue that we had, J.P. I mean, like, if your point is, I'm no more insane than the euphologist, I mean, I guess maybe that's true. All right. So I'm not even close to done with all the insane comments from our country's number two in command that happened during this interview. So,

a quick lightning round with a few more to wrap it up. This is not going to be exhaustive because that's going to take forever. I'll start with some skepticism, actually, from JD, about AI companies. So good start. I'm listening. But then he said, there's some really, really weird spiritual dark energy surrounding these companies. Okay, still listening. That seems reasonable.

And they added that some of these companies hold a burial. when they retire an old A-I model. Okay. I think a lot of us mourned losing the models that did like the, the extra good centaur role play, though. And so that's normal. Yeah, dust in the wind, for sure. So, okay, that whole one was reasonable.

I gave J.D. a freebie. I talked about one of his reasonable things. And that brings us to the Devon intervention. J.D. agreed with Bryce that a higher power had intervened in Butler, Pennsylvania to save Donald Trump's life. And J.D. added, it's just so obvious to me that coincidences like that don't happen without the hand of Providence. Right. And also God hated that 50-year-old father or two volunteer fire chief guy that got

killed instead. Hated that fucking. Hated that guy. It was the wrong type of Protestant or something. So last but not least, we have the odds of J.D. Vance. going to heaven. Bryce asked him to rate his chances from one to ten. And J.D. said, it's a seven or an eight. J.D. rated himself seven or eight out of ten to go to heaven. To be clear, J.D. Vance's entire religion is based around the idea that all you have to do to get to heaven is believe in Jesus and do the magic cracker spells at church.

So imagine how horrible the stuff he does. is that he has to be like, yeah, that might not be enough in my case. Right. Yeah, no, the clear implication is that he spends like 20 to 30% of his time between his latest mortal sin and confession. And that seems like a lot. He's like, I want to say 10, but like, the Pope is pretty sure I'm the fucking worst. He's man.

I did kill one. I did kill one little pope. I'm going to say eight to be reasonable. Adi. So as a responsible journalist and Christian energy drink owner, who is actually way more competent than most of the new White House press corps, it looks like Bryce Crawford is making sure to give equal time to all the important presidential candidates for 2008.

Bryce already interviewed Tucker Carlson, and that's when we got that scoop about an even bigger threat to America than radical Islam. It's porn, by the way. I can think of a lot of real ones. How it's porn. And of course, we're all looking forward to hearing Bryce interview some other 2028 hopefuls like Marco Rubio and Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump. So great job.

You're doing the Lord's work over there, buddy. Bryce, great, great podcast you got. And for the Greeter Good News. Given the dwindling munitions, strain supply lines, indefinitely extended deployment, suicidally low troop morality. rapidly failing war effort. It's nice to see that Pete Hagseth is focused on the important things. Like whether military gate guards can continue to say,

God bless you to non-Christian service members. Important stuff. That's right. The head of the Pentagon apparently took time off of fucking shaking down generals to Pinky swear. They're not the ones that told the press, we've resorted to throw on firecrackers over the Iranian border and yell and boom, long enough to publicly declare his unwavering courage in the eyes of his greatest nemesis, the establishment clause.

Yeah, I mean, given how the war is going, I can see the impulse for a little, you know, God boop on the way out the door, but I don't think this is the solution. And Pete might be sneaking out in a hat and sunglasses disguised to go drinking. So the gate guards don't even know it's him. Yeah, it's not even going to matter. Yeah. So this story started when the military religious freedom foundation started getting complaints out of the Curtland Air Force Base in New Mexico.

Here's an excerpt that sums up the issue, quote, for multiple days over the last couple of weeks, the guards have been greeting me with God bless you every single morning as I come through. Not once, not twice, repeatedly, consistently, as if it's an officially sanctioned script, end quote. I feel like they're off book at this point. Yeah, whatever.

Right. Now, according to MRFF's founder and President Mikey Weinstein, this was one of the 34 complaints he'd received about what seemed to be a coordinated decision to ensure everybody gets a dial-up of Christianity on their way to work. The majority of which, by the way, came from Christians who just felt the greeting was inappropriate as all hell, given the First Amendment and all that shit. Though I should probably note that Mikey Weinstein isn't always a reliable source on how many complaints Mikey Weinstein received. Well, whatever, Mikey.

I believe you. Okay. Well, Eli. I believe you, Mike. This one's low level enough that I guess I'll believe him this time. But I'll need him to say, I'm not the werewolf out loud to me. So I can see, yeah, see his eyes. But the MRF sprung into action on this one, contacting the bases, I don't know, greet her in chief.

I don't know how the military works and reminded them that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, et cetera, and they put a stop to it. And then the MRFF sent out a victory lap email to their supporters to remind everybody what they're doing with all those donations. But then Heggzeth found out about it. And he got all broody. So he fucking snorted a quick line of testosterone and tweeted out, quote, the MRFFF is a radical anti-Christian pro-athist group that attacks any all faith inside the at department of war. We will never cave to them. The at U.S. Air Force will confront this.

God bless our airmen, end quote. You hear that, Noah? You hear that Heath? When you come for Mikey, you're on the same side as Peter Hagzeth. So I'm just saying. No other possible positions. Yes, right. Yes, correct.

It's 2026. Only one of those two things. Me and Mikey on one side, you and Pete Heggsie on the other. All right. Well, we're going to have the more fun party. Now, in blue line down the center. Now, for the record, the Air Force regulations are super clear on this shit. From the official instructions, quote,

leaders at all levels must balance constitutional protections for free exercise of religion and constitutional prohibitions against government establishment of religion. They must ensure their words and actions do not discriminate against any individual or group because of their faith, belief, or absence of belief, or extend preferential treatment for the same, end quote. A quote, which Weinstein summarized to Hagseth when asked for comment on this tweet pretty succinctly, quote, tell it to the judge little piety, end quote.

And in not so equal opportunity commission news, it's hard to choose which part of the Trump administration will be the most shameful for us to explain to future generations. Right. Right. I mean, just the fact that we're going to have to ask which genocide or illegal war they're asking us about, it's not a great look, right? But on a simple human scale, I imagine that how willing we were to throw trans people under the bus will be the one that sticks the hardest. Not just for its extraordinary cruelty on both a cultural and legal level, but because of how happily and peacefully, every level of power just went along with it. And we got a great example of that recently as the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, or EEOC, has willingly agreed to stop enforcing equal opportunities for employment as long as the bigotry they exist to prevent is Christian. This is going to taint every crossword puzzle.

I know that's not the point. Right. But that's going to taint every crossword. Yeah, I feel like the most shameful bit will be admitting how many people were willing to play along with the you're being bigoted. against my bigotry argument. Yeah, right. So first off, a big thanks to none other than the prospector Stormy D for sending us this story to scathingy News at gmail.com.

For sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com. Stormy gets to switch the gender of one member of our cast without their knowledge or consent. Yep. I was reading J.K. Rowling's tweets. I'm pretty sure that they're allowed to do that now. So get prank in, scathing news at gmail.com. And keep in mind, Stormy, if we're playing by J.K. Rowling rules, one of the genders you're allowed to change us to, I think, is attack helicopters.

Sweet. So a little bit of history for you here. No whammy, no whamies, no whammy, stop. No, no, we're going to, no, we're going to see. So a little bit of history for you here, way back in the bygone and woke days of 2020, the Supreme Court ruled that gender identity and transgender status are protected under Title VII, a federal law that makes it illegal for employers to discriminate against job applicants and employees, based on race, color, religion, and sex because even this Supreme Court couldn't figure out how to

weasel their way out of them. Yeah. Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion. You're talking about Bostock, right? And you could hear him being furious about how he was getting, you know, like trapped by words that have meanings. He wrote, an employer who fires an individual for being gay or transgender, fires that person for traits or actions. It would not have questioned in members of a.

different sex. Fuck. I thought I was going to hear something that I would be able to weed something. Fine, whatever, whatever. This is the definition of sex. Well, ever since that unfortunate moment of non-discrimination,

the right has been doing its best to claw that decision back. And now that they have all the power, a bunch of agencies under their control have agreed to just not do their jobs anymore officially in writing. In a manner that

think might be a little hard to explain when their agency isn't run by, you know, big balls and the winner of a Trump International Golf Tournament or whoever they got going over there right now. That's what's so amazing about it. This is just so easy to get away with, right? All you have to do is not write wink, wink in the contract with a footnote that says wink, wink, wink refers to how we're going to ignore the law on this one. And somehow they keep falling short of that. They sure did.

Big balls got beat up by two children. He got beat up by children. I don't normally root for that sort of thing. But I root for that thing a lot. I was lying. So do I. I think I could. Right.

So under the agreement finalized on August 18th, the EEOC promised not to pursue charges against the Christian Employers Alliance or qualifying members over certain gender identity related workplace practices, including, but not limited to disputes involving pronoun use, sex-specific dress codes, and access to sex-specific dress codes, and access to sex. sex-specific private spaces. And it's worth pointing out that while this is going to be used for transphobia right now, it absolutely allows for plain old sex discrimination from, you know, before suffrage. Employers could require their female employees to wear a burl up sack or forbid them from

using the lunchroom. And as if that wasn't insane enough, the protection applies to qualifying current and future CEA members, which means the CEA has literally been promoting the arrangement to prospective members as protection that begins the moment they join. Sure. You know how people

joke about getting like a bigot card from their black friend, like a black card so they can say certain words. We literally have those cards now. And it's not just for black stuff. We have those cards for like a bunch of stuff. So sign up for our thingy. And we didn't have to get a black friend. Who's the best? So yeah, this is obviously

bad. But there is hope. Apparently, the standards for joining the Employers Alliance are pretty low, right? You've just got to be a bigot who wants special bigot powers. So if you're an employer, and I know some of you are, I would heartily encourage you to join and start enforcing some bizarre rules on your white male Christian employees, right? I mean, takes out for Harambe. It's not just an expression. It's a workplace policy. get on it. You know what I'm saying? There you go. Well, it sounds like I've got some paperwork to fill out. So we're going to take a quick break for an important public safety announcement or private safety announcement, I guess, in this instance. Protect it. Hey, podcast listener,

I'm no illusions. And I'm Heath Enright. You know, after working with Eli for more than a decade, we're pretty well versed in someone freaking out. Guys, guys, someone in the YouTube comments just said I looked chubby in the last video. Should I text their tween? as revenge. What? No. Don't do that. Never text a tweet.

We were so clear about that. You didn't mention that. But today, we want to talk to you about a different kind of freak out. Yours. That's right. So as you know, if you support us over at patreon.com, for the decade we've been doing our show, we've always charged our patrons per podcast that we create. So if you pledge a dollar a show, you gave us $1 every time we made a podcast.

Right. But thanks to some shenanigans. Beyond the control of Patreon, they're switching all creators over to monthly pledges starting in November. Hey, guys, sorry, I don't know what you're doing, but real quick, do you think anyone is mad at me? Anyone? Probably, yeah, probably. Should I, should I email them? No, you shouldn't email everyone in case they're mad at you.

I'm still gone on it. I figured you would. Now, the good news is that this change is going to change absolutely nothing for you. If you gave us five bucks a month for five episodes, you'll still give us five bucks. Yeah. And if you limited your pledge to only give us $2 a month, you'll still only give us $2. You don't have to opt in. You don't have to change your pledge or change anything. You're all set. If you're one of the delightful people who supports the show, you are good to go. Nothing to do. That said, we know that change can be confusing, which is why we created, please don't freak out and destroy our livelihood.com.

That's right, Noah. Please don't freak out and destroy our livelihood.com can answer any questions you have about the change. But again, nothing about the amount of money you give is changing at all. Nothing at all. One more time, that's please don't freak out and destroy our livelihood.com. And hey, if you've been meaning to give us money but you haven't gotten around to it, there's no better time to do it than right now. Yeah, because a bunch of people are going to miss this and still freak out. You sure are, Heath.

They sure are. Hey, guys, I picked a fight with a stranger on Twitter. And now I want you, my fellow 40-year-old men, to be, Absolutely not to be part of it. No. Please. Are they a tween? Okay, but listen to what he tweeted, though.

Okay. Once you hear it. And finally tonight in Pyrin Brimstone News. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. The organizers of Burning Man hate Jesus Christ personally. Don't they?

They have a standing policy to violently expel any Christians at their festival and the culmination of their event is a giant pyre during which they celebrate the death of our Lord and Savior in a flaming effigesis. All the militant atheists at Burning Man, they dance around in a big circle amidst an orgy of sodomite sexual violence and they chant, God is dead. God is dead. I've never been to Burning Man myself. It sounds like a great time. It sounds like a really, really fun time. Or the Christian

preachers who tried to hijack Burning Man for their God mission are liars. And those missionaries were harassing everyone. And they got kicked out for violating several of the clearly stated rules. Also a great time. Also a great time. So we're going to talk about it. Okay. I just want to point out that that was lazy writing.

And then Morgan added the visual outline thing. And now people just clamor for a chance to talk about it. Not so much people. It's just Heath. It's still lazy writing. It feels great. not what Burning Man is. Satire when I do it. We should start our own desert

festival with all that deocidal Sodomite Orgy stuff that Heath was talking about. We should make it. Yeah, definitely. That's just like a funny... The Arizona American Atheist Conference certainly felt like it was on fire. All right. And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story at the friendly

atheist, along with a big thanks to approximately every single listener we have. M. Skaithing news at gmail.com. If we ever captured Jesus Christ, the son of God, you all get to give him one paper cut before we do our thing that we're going to do.

Yeah, he keeps painting a tunnel on a wall and then I run into it. Yeah, but soon, soon. Y'all, our fucking inbox cried out in a single voice like the people of Alderon yelling at Obi-Wan at the end. right. It was amazing. So awesome. We're excited. So here's the claim from the Christians.

It's a missionary group called Shift the Atmosphere. And one of their members posted a video last week about getting kicked out of the festival because Burning Man hates Christians. That member who made the video is John Heinerman. And this is very important before we move on. He looks like that he appears behind you if you say, bah with a ba three times. Like he sure does.

That's what happens. Yeah, podcast listener, Heath has included a picture of this gentleman in our notes. And if you're wearing a tactical vest to Burning Man, you do not belong at Burning Man. Unless all you're wearing is a tactical vest. Then you're right enough. Okay, yeah.

No, he looks like he'd address you as slick the first time you met him, right? Yeah. He definitely would. So Burning Man is known for having a policy of radical inclusion. Well, the deft rhetoricians that shift the atmosphere really flipped that around pretty hard on Burning Man for a sweet burning man. One of the captions in their persecution video said, radical inclusion for everyone except Christians. Oh shit. Knoelette. Iketo. Hot fire. Toracle

Ikeedo crushed it. And Johnny Heineman explained how all they were doing was peacefully camping Christianly, not hurting anybody. And they got kicked out for loving God just too much. Okay. So just for the record, camping Christianly means trying to convert people the whole time. And I'm not editorializing. That was clearly implied in their own video when they pointed out that Satan is mad because they'd already converted 600 people before they got bounced by the bouncers. Imagine a more boner killing experience than running naked across the playa from the orgy dome to the desert ice castle only to be stopped by a fucking Phineas and Furb character who wants to change your religion. Honestly, it might be worth watching these guys work just to see them like trying not to look at a dick. you know, just had back like this.

So, as usual, with persecution narratives like this by Christians, it's 100% lying. The actual reason they got kicked out was they were violating very clear rules of conduct at Burning Man. For example, nobody's allowed to record video of other people without consent. Seems like an obvious one. You also can't bother the fuck out of people without consent, for example, proselytizing. but any kind of non-consensual bothering. You also can't get kids to separate from their parents

and have the kids follow you into a tent to show the kid your bathtub. Okay, of baptism, of baptism, but still. But still, yeah. They were doing baptisms in these gross little metal tubs in their tent. It's disgusting. The kid's separation thing, by the way, was from an unconfirmed source.

But regardless... It was Mikey Weinstein. It's possible. But regardless, it sounds plausible. It's unconfirmed, though. But you can't just open a public tub. You can't just do that. That's actually another rule.

It's a basic Nevada health code violation to just open a public tub pretty much anywhere. Burning Man doesn't have a rule against Christian baptism specifically, but there is a rule against having a fetid pool of public filth and dunking random people in there all day inside your sweltering tent in the desert. Yeah. And if you're wondering what the harm of offering people a public baths, that Burning Man could be. You've never been to Burning Man and then spent the next 11 years of your life scrubbing the dust from between your toes.

Well, I think what you guys are missing here is that a Christian was made to follow a rule and that is persecution. Like, text. It is. I've heard that. Exactly. Now we're going to get to my favorite part. The missionaries, they hurt themselves while they were leaving.

They had to break down their camp because the kids. I kicked out. They were all in a big snit and they were, you know, like snitting too hard while they broke down camp and they injured themselves. And then they posted about it just for my personal entertainment. As a gift to Heathen, right? Yes, they did. To me for my birthday just a little bit late. One guy wrote, tear down was dangerous. Every member of our team had minor injuries. Every member apparently. Heavy equipment nearly fell on us and some team members fell

from ladders. You're fucking idiots. That sounds like you guys did a bad job man. Just measure once cut twice or whatever the fuck you're supposed to also while we're on the subject, I sat on my balls earlier and my mom told me my sister is better at everything than I am

Heath and right because you're curious. You only have two wishes left. And this last thing, okay, this isn't part of the official rules, but this is my official rule. I think it should be an official rule. You can't go to Burning Man and be the fucking worst. That should be just rule number one through 10 on a big sign. Like, forget all the other stuff.

These people were proselytizing all over the place and playing Christian EDM on their speakers. Straight to jail. Straight to jail. Like the living embodiment of ruining my drugs that I spent money on. It's it's buzz genocide. It's not Buzz genocide. That's what it is. That would be an accurate term.

And if any state in the union can pass humanitarian laws against buzz genocide, it is Nevada. So get that ready for next year, y'all. All right. Well, now that Heath has found my calling, we can wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks, as always. Two much. And when we come back, we'll learn once again that when you combine American and a thing, you get the dumbest version of that thing.

Beep. Possibly the greatest innovation in statecraft from America's founders was the separation of church and state and the rejection of officially recognized faiths. Not only has it allowed a boon of secular governance that lasted from 1788 all the way through the Trinity Lutheran decision of 2017, but it also gave us a boundless well of entertainingly strong. stupid new religions to talk about on a segment we call American gods.

Okay, finally, we are talking about Scientologists this time. Nope, sorry, sorry. This time we're going to be talking about the Church of God with Signs Following. Okay, I've never heard of them, but they sound so much less interesting than Scientology, I object. Okay, these are the snake handling guys. I am back now with three two. I thought you might be. Nice.

Yeah. So. It's a stupid name, but I'm back in. Isn't it? Yeah. So just a heads up before we dive in, I'm actually going to let Wikipedia do a lot more of my homework than I normally would because the Wikipedia article on this shit is amazing. It's got that classic, you know, this article is in a fight with itself style that we've come

to love from Wu merchants desperately trying to outmaneuver Susan Gerbick or whatever. But the snake handlers are arguing in two opposite directions. It's like on the one hand, they want Wikipedia readers to know that there's more to them than just snake handling. but on the other hand, many facets. Many facets. We contain multitudes. But on the other hand, though, they also want people to know that snake handling is their thing,

God damn it. And those ungrateful whores at the church, Lord Jesus with signs following are a bunch of copycat fucking liars. Wait, sorry. Are there really two competing snake handling churches called Church of God with signs following and Church of Lord Jesus with signs following? Are you just fucking with us? That's real?

Not only is that a real thing, Heathleton, Bethesda, Enright, but the Lord Jesus one, which started afterwards, emphatically insist that they started entirely independently of the God one. Okay. We're just doing it.

This is great. It's citation needed singular. This is fantastic. They're in a giant fight. Okay. So in terms of the name, it feels like the first of those two churches has gotten a big fight amongst themselves about naming their church and they like tabled it with

you know like TBA signs following. That's what it sounds like. And now the second church is clearly caught cheating with AI basically by accidentally copying Church of God Lorum Ipsum TBA signs following. And they're lashing out in embarrassment and fighting on Wikipedia. This is, oh, this is great. So fucking amazing. Yeah. So, of course, the whole concept of snake handling arises from a weird passage of the Gospel of Mark,

chapter 16 versus 17 and 18, where the author is listed in all the superpowers that Jesus belief gives you. This is the King James Version, quote, And these signs shall follow them that believe. In my name shall they cast out devils. They shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents. And if they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them. They shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover, end quote.

Hey, guys, what are the coolest words from that passage that we can maybe put in the name of the church? Like, serpents, tongues, signs follow. I don't know. What should we put in there? Signs follow? They even, like, changed it a little bit. They added an ing. Exit 94B, the church.

Yeah, right. I literally started to write the joke. Oh, I wish more of these guys did the poison drinking thing than the snake thing. And then I, then I Googled it. And I should have known a bunch of them do the point. And that, yeah. But, you know, but despite those biblical passages having been there the whole fucking time, most Christians had the sense to ignore them.

And I would imagine that the ones that didn't mostly died from ingesting poison and juggling scorpions. But as far as the historical record can tell us, pretty much nobody was dumb enough to actually incorporate this shit into their religious practices until the world had Americans. Same meeting about the church name from before. Okay, which verses are we taking figuratively? because it feels like we should do some of them figure it. I was thinking the deadly venom thing. Already bought cobras.

Okay. Craig already bought cobras, I guess. Cool. I feel like Craig already had the cobra. Yeah, I think you did too. That makes sense. Now, to be fair, the Wiki article points out that second century Gnostic ophites handled snakes and worshipped serpents, apparently.

And according to the sayings of the desert fathers, there was an Egyptian monk named Paul who was able to hold snakes in his hand and cut them open. But cool. I mean, like, we can all do that theoretically, I guess. The whole idea of tickling venomous snakes and daring them to kill you as a test of your faith, though, seems to be a distinctly American phenomenon. Yeah, nowadays we call that third party voting. So it's a little. So the Bible says you can drink poison and be fine.

That's a cool power. All right. Third party voters are listening. Jill Stein. Jill Stein says you have to. Jill Stein. She's not in Russia. If 10% of third party voters drink points.

Yeah, okay. I'm listening. He'll have a happy birthday. She's not getting paid by Russia anymore. Now it's the Pentagon. It's American. Right. It's totally different. Yeah.

So, okay, so there are two schools of thought as to when and how this originates. One is that a charismatic Pentecostal preacher named George Wendt Hensley of Grasshopper Valley, Tennessee came up with it. the other school of thought is no the fuck he didn't. Okay, for a second, I thought you were talking about Norm. Yeah, right, George, Lance. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So now this is the first place where the people's front of Judea versus Judean people's front conflict spills out into the wiki. And the people of the Church of Lord Jesus with science following will be damned if they are going to give Hensley all the fucking credit. They insist that these practices arose independently in several areas around the same time in the same geographical location, more or less. after nobody having done it for the first 19th centuries of their religion.

A lot of coincidences. You feel I was ever thinking about the fact that we've spent 11 years now pointing out the harms of religion and there in an argument about who invented getting bitten by a snake on purpose was right there the whole time. I feel like we wasted a lot of our effort, boys. Honestly, it feels like we got to work itself out in payroll scenario, but like apparently they're still around a lot. A hundred years later. It's not working itself out yet. Yeah.

Yeah. So, okay, so what we do know is that Hensley was a minister in the Church of God, which a member of the present Church of God has helpfully annotated into the Wikipedia that that's now Church of God, Cleveland, the one he was part of. Because I guess they don't want to keep answering for this prick. So he first brought his snake handling ideas to an existing church, but it didn't take long for them to push him out and formally disavow a practice that was not only deadly, but also showed pretty definitively that their Bible was full of shit.

And perhaps even more importantly, showed that all but the least sane members of their faith knew it was foolish and enough to at least not trust it when it came to the like venomous vipers parts. God damn it. These snake weirdos really know how to outread their death rate. Right. It's just fucking.

Yeah, Appalachians, man. And it's working. Great at it. So Hensley resigns, officially slating trouble in the home. and spends the 1930s travel in the Appalachian South promoting this idea of deep throat and water moccasins for Jesus. And the idea was hugely popular. Because here's the thing.

Because that seems fucking crazy. But here's the thing. You can actually handle venomous snakes for quite a while without them killing you. Most snakes are relatively docile and most bites are relatively harmless. In America, at least I feel like this denomination would have lasted 18 seconds

if Hensley had been born in Australia or something. Okay, I don't believe you about that snake thing. I think you're on the take from Big Snake Weirdo, and you have to tell us if Big Snake Weirdo has given you money. But here's the other thing, though, seeing somebody handle a snake that you yourself are afraid to handle without getting bit or better yet, getting bit without any noticeable ill effects,

or at least not noticeable before the end of the service ill effects, that makes for a damn powerful demonstration of faith, or even of God's powers. Like when Eli in 1943, Hensley teams up with a disciple and he starts a church called Dali Pond Church of God with signs following. The whole signs following thing

that comes from the Mark passage that starts all these signs shall follow them. So the signs following things, those are like the superpowers that Jesus gives you for being faithful enough. And while there is no central authority and not much more naming convention for these churches than there is for fucking fast

and the furious sequels, they usually incorporate the term with science. following to indicate that they're one of the denominations with the superpowers. Yeah. And you know in the era before Google Maps, that was confusing as fuck, right? You're just driving around looking for church. I don't see anything.

I don't see anything. No, they're following behind us, Craig. Obviously, he's his hands. Where's a church? So anyway. Spinning around like a dog chasing your tail? Right. Yeah.

Okay. So Hensley continues to spread the gospel until his death in 195. Anybody want to guess what he died of? Probably old age, surrounded by. generations of his loving family. He was spit by a snake during a service that he was conducting in Florida. No, no.

Despite the fact that the guy who invented the practice, unless you ask the people from the Church of Lord, Jesus with signs following, died from practicing it. It continued to flourish and is still around 100 goddamn years later. Snake handling churches are now found all over the southeastern U.S. and in Alberta, Canada, which is like an honorary

part of the southeastern U.S. Okay, so in their view, was he just like having a bad faith day? Like, he read too much of the New York Times before church and they got him. Like, I get it. I get it. Okay, he died for their sins following. Yeah, right, right. No, we'll get to that.

Okay, Church of God with Tokyo Drift. There you go. Much better. I'm going to that. Whatever it is. Church of God, Hobbs and Shaw, yeah. Fuck, yes. My three favorite deities.

Right. God. Church 11. Yeah. There you go. Church 11, better. So, of course, as the wiki is quick to point out, there's more to their church than just snake handling. I don't believe it.

Believe it or not, this sentence was meant to soften their doctrine. Quote, as in the early days, worshippers are still encouraged to lay hands on the sick, speak in tongues, provide testimony of miracles, and occasionally consume poisons such as strict nine. Okay. We're the parking church. Already bought strict nine. I can't return it. I think he had that too. Craig's not well.

Yeah, right. Yes, I am. Now, when it comes time to handle snakes, they don't just let them run loose in the church like it was an airplane that Samuel L.O. Jackson had motherfucking had it with. There's a special section at the front of the church where they spill all the snakes out safely.

Normally, that's going to consist of a mix of rattlesnakes, cotton mouse, and copperheads, all venomous snakes that are native to Appalachia. But the Wikipedia article adds, quote, but even cobras have been used, end quote. And I really can't tell if the person who wrote that was emphasizing carelessness or really fucking proud of it. Maybe just, yes. I feel like it's a porke and all those dose for this particular snake church wikiwari. Possibly, yeah.

Yeah. So once the snakes are loose, attendees are allowed to go up front and start slinging them around, but only as they see fit, right? It's only if the Holy Spirit moves them to do so. So, you know, only if you're extra pious and awesome and have superpowers. But the Wikipedia article wants you to know that, quote, handling the snakes is not compulsory for those attending services, end quote. It's perfectly okay to be less holy than all the people around you and spurn all the magic powers that Jesus died to provide you if you want.

It's your choice. Guys, I would have died of so many snake bites on my first day trying to get attention as a kid. the most snake bites possible. I did like chugging a pint of strict nine shots, shot, chad, chad, chives into the snake pile. Yolo, bitches, let's do it. If you think about it, this is like starring in the musicals of fresh. Yeah.

I'm also available for Primitzvus. But, okay, so with the most glorious apologetic in the wiki comes when they start trying to talk about how frequently people die from this homicidal bullshit. And I just, I have to quote this one at length, sorry, quote, although individual accidents may actually be understood in a variety of ways. May they? Yeah, may, yeah. Those who die from snake bites are never criticized for lack of adequate faith.

It is believed that it was simply the deceased's time to die. Okay, you know what? Agree with drones from earlier. Right. I agree with that. Continuing the quote, Bitten believers usually do not seek medical help, but look to God for their healing. They fully believe that adherents need to handle the snake as a demonstration of their having the Holy Spirit within.

And if they get bitten by the snake, they lack the true spirit. Moreover, if they are bitten, then the congregation prays over them. Okay, this guy knows the word moreover. Yes, yeah. This new warrior from the snake, I didn't expect him to know moreover the transitional word. Okay. Yeah, interesting. He concludes, if they die, then God intended for that to happen.

and terrifying quote from somebody like trying to defend this practice. Hey, can't help but notice that that is identical to not having state can't place. Right, isn't it? Isn't it remarkably similar? And of fucking course, people die from this shit a lot. There's no officially agreed upon number.

The Wiki shares a number of sources that all seem to coalesce around like between 95 and 105 people. That feels low. Yeah, right. Well, so that's the thing, though. Those deaths are all the ones that can be definitively sourced. Given that the church and therefore all the families of the deceased and in all likelihood the deceased themselves all have a vested interest in disguising the true cost of this shit, the real number is almost certainly far higher. Okay, I feel like Susan Gerbik could go on Wikipedia and just add any exponent right there next to their number. And they'd think it was a footnote.

And they'd try to get some scientific notation. They don't know what that is. Now, as we all know, American governments are quite reluctant to pass any law that it inhibits any form of Christianity in any way. So it's a real testament to just how dangerous this shit is that pretty much every state where it's prevalent has laws against it, except West Virginia, because they're a special kind of stupid unmatched anywhere else in America. Every other state where it emerged outlawed and some places where it wasn't just preemptively outlawed. Now, mostly this was accomplished by requiring permits to handle snakes. or other reptiles that endanger the lives of others and refusing to give them out to people

who are just going to fucking juggle them for Jesus. Yeah, and you know that made the snake weirdos double mad, right? They're like, excuse me, I'm not a religious nut. I'm a bisexual bald man who dates high schoolers. And these are my creepy, creepy pets. Okay, so now a Jewish baker has to make a swastika cake with no snakes for a Nazi. Really? Really?

That's persecution. That's ridiculous. Right. So apparently in Georgia, they went so far as to make snake handling a crime punishable with the death penalty in 1941 after a seven-year-old kid was killed by religious negligence in one of their churches. After a kid got the death penalty. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Now, they rescinded that law in 1968, not because they decided it was too harsh, but because it was so extreme that juries were refusing to convict people on. We'll kill you for getting someone killed is not the safety measure you were hoping for, your honor. Right, right. Now, of course, there. is some question as to whether any of those laws are legal. The ACLU has repeatedly defended snake handler's rights under the First Amendment. Hey, ACLU guys pop back down. Do less. Do less. Hey, and just if

you're looking for like other civil liberties to think about not getting killed by a snake as a child. It feels like a good civil. Sure. Well, to look out for. But I don't, I mean, look, given how much more dangerous Catholic priests are than copperheads, I kind of get it at least. But there are forms of this practice that I think even the ACLU would blanchet, like, for example, in 1992, when serpent handling preacher Glenn Somerford used a practice to murder his wife,

he apparently coaxed a rattlesnake to bite her multiple times until it killed her. No, honey, obviously I want to hear more about the Lindsay Clancy trial. Well, we got to do the quick snake thing first. And then tell me all of... Put away the oboe. That's not even a real thing.

The oboe, that's not the right instrument. It's like sort of like an oboe. Now, I have lots of thoughts about that, though. Because of the various laws and the generally secretive nature of pretty much all the weird-ass mountain people of Appalachia, it's hard to get a handle on just how widespread this practice is. Some estimates suggest that there could be as few as a thousand snake handlers in America today. Other estimates have put that number closer to 5,000. And all the academics that have studied this shit seem to agree it's currently the least popular it's ever been since it was introduced more than a century ago. Yeah, say what you will about

snake handling. But it does, as he pointed out, seem to work itself out in payroll. Eventually, yeah. I get hopefully, I don't know, not enough. It's still growing up. Yeah, right. Yeah. So, yeah, as if religion was trying to get ahead of that, if all your friends jumped off a bridge question that my mom used to deploy whenever the trendy thing was too expensive, they actually embraced a deadly practice even after the guy who developed it and insisted it was safe, died from it. And they continue to do so. And I would argue that it's still not the most dangerous religious movement our nation has spawned, which we'll learn even more about on the next installment

of American Gods. Before we pull the rip cord on this one, I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I'm going to be sick on November 5th through however long it takes to get through the Okerina of Time remake. Morgan probably will be too. We both feel that coming on, but really slowly. Anyway, that's all the blast maybe we've got for tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on look up for a brand new episode of our sister-so's hot friend God-awful movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sher-show citation needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't

call this episode if I neglect to thank Heath Enric for impressing us this week, Eli Bosnick for expressing our frustrations and lucid illusions for suppressing her anger, but she should be back next week. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds. Al and Andre Heroes come Cheap. Mark Nora, other Nora, Becca, Michellea, SF3 podcast, Ashley Abraham, Other Abraham at empty and under Steve, that one Welsh town, nobody can pronounce that one volcano, nobody can pronounce in Sealand form the real Bermuda Triangle. Nephtali, Wendricks, Claire, Crystal, Kirby, Becky, Matt, and Andrew. Her are so hot they could never eat raw food even if they tried.

Sorry a dude who used that Welsh town name. I was just telling this into the other day. I needed an excuse to learn to pronounce that damn thing. And here you come, and I chicken out. Together these 23 decidedly unbiblical heathens drew together to form the financial of Voltron that helps keep this show charging forward. And if you'd like to be part of our badass robot kaiju, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. Leave that in, Morgan, leave that in. I want it to be raw. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathinga-a-dust-com. And if you'd like to help but not for money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson and Lily Bosnick, handle that for us. Our cartoonist is Angelo Madrid from Drid Tunes and our audio engineer is Morton Clark who also wrote old the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skating atheist.com.

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