The Scathing Atheist - 706: A Couple Short Peters Edition

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

In this week’s episode, Donald Trump gives himself infinity plus one Christianity points, Christians are pretty sure that Tillamook is making antisemitic kosher cheese, and we’ll look into the only book of the Bible named after a dick.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/---Headlines:Trump releases bullshit list of things he’s done for Christians: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/trumps-top-250-victories-for-peopleChristians are mad that Meryl Strep is gonna play Aslan: https://www.christianpost.com/news/meryl-streep-as-aslan-in-the-magicians-nephew-sparks-backlash.htmlCatholic League is pretty sure AI is bigoted against Christianity: https://www.catholicleague.org/artificial-intelligences-authentic-bigotry/Millions Are Turning to AI for Spiritual Guidance: Some Chatbots Now Speak as God: https://www.techtimes.co.uk/ai-religious-chatbots-spiritual-guidance-mental-health-risks-1808728Hegseth urges Texas cadets to "fight the islamists, fight the communists":https://www.joemygod.com/2026/09/hegseth-urges-texas-cadets-to-fight-the-islamists-and-fight-the-communists-in-the-name-of-the-lord/Pentagon moves forward with mandatory testosterone testing for most male troops: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/pentagon-moves-forward-with-mandatory-testosterone-testing-for-most-male-troopsMAGA Nutballs Lose It Over Tillamook Cheese Being Halal-Certified: https://hiphopwired.com/3065903/maga-loses-it-tillamook-cheese-halal-certified/

Warning, the profanity in this episode contains adverbs and conjunctions and shit. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Quince and by the not quite as good clothing website, Cotorce. And now, the Scathing Atheist. It's Thursday. It's September 24th. And you've still got two days to shop for my birthday gift. That much loop does take a while to ship. I'm no illusions.

Strait of her moves and everything. Am I, blah, boss. I'm not. Right. And from MCR's, New Jersey. And our room is going to wait across Georgia. This is the scathing atheist. On this week's episode, Donald Trump gives himself infinity plus one Christianity points. Christians are pretty sure that Tillamook cheese is making anti-Semitic kosher cheese now. Weird. And we'll look into the only book of the Bible named after a penis.

At first, the diatriotron. I had a weird insight into Christian arrogance the other day and it came in the form of of my brother-in-law eating ice cream at me. See, since I had my heart attack, I've been trying to make healthier dietary choices. And that's relatively easy to do for me, given that my baseline was mostly like Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. But one of the side effects of that change is that now, whenever I go to the restaurant with a family, I'm the one whose boring-ass plate of salmon and broccoli reminds everybody around me what they probably should have ordered. And for a certain kind of person with a certain kind of insecure arrogance, that's a

direct fucking challenge. That's an affront. How dare you force me to reckon with my own lack of self-regulation? How dare you demonstrate how easy it would have been for me to make the choice I told myself I should make? How dare your success underscore my failure? And so unlike the majority of the people who don't give a shit what other people are eating or who just pat me on the back and congratulate me for taking my health seriously, that person has to lash out. He has to make fun how gay my meal is. He talks repeatedly and ostentatiously about how much more delicious his steak is. And at the end, he orders a chocolate lava cake and then lords it over me like a bully picking on the poor kid whose mom didn't give him ice cream money. And to me, this is a fascinating window into the

kind of arrogance that drives modern Christianity. Because when he sees me eating salmon and broccoli, he's not passing that observation through my brain, right? The brain of a guy who was forced to confront his mortality a bit earlier than scheduled. everything in that kind of person's world just radiates directly outward from the center of the universe himself. Right? And in those circumstances,

I can only be eating salmon and broccoli to highlight how unhealthy his fried grease platter is. Now, of course, if we were to ask him, he'd be able to formulate the concept of empathy. He's heard of it. He would readily attribute my choices to my circumstances out loud.

But Sands prompting, he's going to move through his life as though it were a direct challenge. just like a homophobe will admit if you ask them that two men having sex has nothing whatsoever to do with them, but will behave as though it does. Just like a transphobe knows that a trans person expressing their innate gender identity isn't doing it to challenge their preconceived gender roles, right, but behaves as though it is. I mean, this is no great insight, bigoted Christians lack empathy, but this disconnect between what they know on an intellectual level and what they feel on an instinctual level and the way that that's fueled by that lack of empathy and insecurity. I think that's something that we lose sight of too often. Now, I want to say that I don't think that this is a byproduct of Christianity.

It could be, right? Like being told that the world was created for you specifically and that the creator of the stars and seas is going to take a quick break from orchestrating the trillions upon trillions of chemical interactions he's overseeing at any given nanosecond to find your fucking cargies. Like, I see how that could contribute to a psychotic lack of empathy, but I also see how it could just like really appeal to one. And since this is something that seems to be overly,

concentrated in one strand of conservative evangelical Christianity, I feel like it strongly favors the conclusion that this is just the slot aggressively pompous people fit most comfortably into. But regardless of where it comes from, the end result is this huge contingent of people who are just pathologically convinced that everything that challenges their worldview is there to challenge their worldview. Other people having their own culture can only be seen as an offensive against their culture. People rejecting their opinions are people attacking their opinions. People being different from them are people being different at them. And what we see right now, this fucking flaming

remnant of a society that's crashing down around our ears, well, that's the result of they're lashing out against everything that isn't them. It's a desperate, flailing effort to impose sameness on a world that is entirely populated with threats. It's a sad, dangerous, misguided, failing attempt to look strong in light of the fact that your entire world view can be shaken to its core by the person across from you at the restaurant ordering broccoli. They're talking about your Jesus. And interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the biscuits and gravy of this podcast, Heath Endwright and Eli

Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to flour? Yeah, for sure. In the UK, we are cookies and mushroom gravy, which is weird. But don't add milk. Otherwise, you'll rue the day. Nice. Okay.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Eli, come on. Almost a cheers. Almost a cheers. Oh, really? All right. Almost.

I'm gonna fucking earn it now. All right. Well, while we see how to push him over the edge to that actual cheers, we'll take a quick break for a word from this week's sponsor, Quince. Hi, I'm Genghis Khan,

Supreme ruler of the Mongol Horde. You know, A lot about what me and my boys got up to wasn't particularly awesome. No, it was not, Genghis Khan. No, it was not. But without me, you wouldn't have 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from quince. Ooh, those sweaters are nice. You bet your boots they are.

And they started just $60, giving you the softness and quality you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. Amazing. I feel like I'm the one doing the pillaging, you know? Pillaging indeed, Heath, pillaging indeed. Everything at Quince has priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. Quince sent me a Mongolian cashmere sweater to try when they became a sponsor.

It's so warm and cozy, it became my favorite fall fit. That's why I, Heath Anwright, personally, endorse Quince. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash scathing. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now, available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash scathing. Thanks, Genghis Khan.

Quince, you'll feel like you're doing the pillaging. You can have that one, Quince, if you want it. I think they're good. As in make good. And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, over the last two or three months, Trump's activities have more or less been a pendulum between attempts to cheat at the midterms and activities so wildly unpopular with the American Electric that they cancel out whatever latest midterm cheat he managed. And as if for my viewing fucking pleasure, he spent September sprinkling in idiotic attempts to drum up the base with stuff like a, I don't know, sparsely attended, hastily organized midterm convention that they scheduled across from the first. two NFL games of the season.

That nobody was going to either way. Right. Yeah, exactly. And in that vein, the White House released a list last week of, quote, President Trump's top 250 victories for people of faith, end quote. So stupid. Oh, and it is hilariously bullshit. Yeah, I wouldn't care about 250 victories for a topic I care about, let alone one you're making up. Yeah. And with the stupid themes like this always go badly. Like, like the, or like alphabet format for whatever you're doing. It's something about xylophone has to get smushed into your stupid list.

But for Trump, it has to be 250 things. Yes. You know somebody was like, okay. Mr. President, I get that it's 250 years for the country. But we're like, we don't have to make everything themed around that number. We could just do. 250 figure of that. It's like a fucking episode of Sesame Street.

It's so dumb. So we're obviously going to talk about the list itself a bit. But first, I want to spend just a second acknowledging what kindergarten understanding of politics this shit is, right? The idea that you're firing up your base in the last 50 days before an election is just dumb. If your base isn't fired up at this point, they ain't getting fired up, man. It's like if you said it's time to leave for the airport and I said, okay, hold on, let me buy a suitcase real quick. So this is yet another case where he's failing at the wrong thing. Wow, just attacking my wife with your headlines example.

I am so sorry, darling. I will speak to him after the record. I think that was an awesome idea for your suitcase. That was great. So to the list, it's broken down into 25 categories. Come up, Mr. President. It doesn't need to be like 10 equal categories. 10 equal categories.

Alphabetical. Figure it out. How many letters do you think we have? You have five. You can't be CNN anymore. So the categories are stuff like promoted wholesale, or sorry, promoted wholesome education, restored biological truth and promoted American values. And under each one is a handful of accomplishments that are all either like fictitious,

fallacious, or fascist or transphobia. Sorry, there wasn't an F word for transphobia. Sometimes it's a combination of those things. But much of it is filled with the same phantom persecution claims that they, had in their silly little fucking Christian persecution report that their watch group set up. Stilmore is filled with braggadocio about shoving David Barton bullshit into museums and school curricula. And when you get way down into the list of the parts that they're pretty sure nobody's going to check,

they start patting their countless stuff like, well, Pete Hagsis says God a lot. And Trump's saying that our rights come from God in heaven. That's actually one of them. That's actually one of the, that's like 185. Like basically number 186 is also Trump says God bless you when people sneeze, not the Zune height. Okay. Number 187, when Pete goes to Starbucks, he gives the name Christ is God. The barista had they sort out and said about one brista said it one time when his drink was ready.

They did say it all the way. Yes, that barista was Pete Hagsath and he was fired and he had to go work at Fox News after that. But it happened and that's what matters. started drinking in the first place. Yeah. Now, I'm not going to go through all the fabrications on the list because there's a fucking ton of them. And most of them are shit that we've actually talked about.

Yeah, right. And most of we talked about on the show before. But if you'd like some concrete examples to throw out your aunt, Kathy, be sure to check the show notes. Friend of the show, Hemet Meta did a pretty thorough rundown. And we're going to have a link in there for his article. But if you're talking to Aunt Kathy about it anyway, you might want to focus on the fact that in order to get to 250 accomplishments, they had to include a bunch of aspirational stuff,

right? Like publishing. reports, giving speeches and launching investigations. I just like, I feel like that alone is quite an admission of failure. Okay. Number 248. X is a good website. It's not Twitter anymore.

Lots of people don't know that. It's more Christian nationalists now. Victory number 249 getting 249 items on my list. that Tyler said was too hard to do 250 of 250s. Yeah, right, right.

And in asslander news. Oh, okay, all right, I like it. We can't. When you think about just how long Christians have been the dominant religion in the West, it's astonishing how little good art they've created.

Don't get me wrong. When they could burn you at the sake for doing literally anything else. They got a couple of good paintings and songs in there, but from pretty much the instant anyone was allowed to make art about anything except Christianity, Christianity has held last place pretty firmly. So it's understandable that they are, shall we say, a little sensitive about the closest thing to a fantasy series that they've ever gotten.

I'm talking, of course, about the Narnia books. Yeah. Yeah, no, I find them a little too far-fetched myself. Like, somebody actually wanting a Turkish to like, get the fuck out of here. There's such a weird thing. It's like somebody wanted to make candy and they checked for ingredients under the couch cushions. And they made candy. Right, right. At J.D. Vance's house. Oh, God. Yeah, no, yeah, no, there it is. There it is. Anyways, it turns out there is, in fact, something more offensive to Aslan the Lion than the last parent.

for the last book where he literally turns into Christ of Nazareth, at least according to Christians. And it is letting the mean lady from the devil wears Prada play him. That's right. Merrill the Great is stepping, yep, is stepping into the big guys main. And so Christians are going to talk about it. Yeah, they said, like, we're doing a new Narnia movie. And I was like, I could not possibly give a fuck. And they're like, no, no, Greta Gerwig is directing it.

and I have been sleeping in the ticket line ever since, as you can see behind me. Yeah. So first off, big thanks to Deborah for being the first to send us this article, scathing news at gmail.com. Deborah, for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com.

When we make our Narnia porn parody, you may direct it. But I warn you, it is BDSM themed and called the Lion the Switch in the wardrobe. Scathing News at gmail.com. Well, it's a working title, mostly because the focus group said, The wardrobe was too jarring.

But they enjoyed the horse and his boy. It's a weird focus group we had. It was a weird focus group. It was a weird focus group. It's mostly me. I don't think we need to be judgy about this. Thank you. I think we do.

If you're thinking to yourself, oh, so now the horse can't be in the FBI? You're a big guy. You are. You are. Horse blew him. Now, if you're thinking to yourself, wait a second. Eli, didn't Christians milk, Narnia,

rather recently for some box office Jews. And yes, they did. The upcoming film is actually an adaptation of the prequel, the magician's nephew, which tells the story of the creation of Narnia by Asland and the fall of the white witch. But, as Noah mentioned, since the director is Greta Gerwig,

who listeners will be familiar with from the Barbie movie and Little Women, you can bet that this is not going to be the story of a foolish girl seduced by the occult, despite a wise old lion's warnings. How dare you leave Lady Bird out of her abridged filmography? You know, I considered it. I did consider it.

It's an honor just to be considered by Eli, honestly. But Christians are too stupid to be mad about that part. Yeah, so they're just mad that Aslan's being played by a lady with Christian podcaster and man who somehow manages to look both post and pre-bubescent at the same time Leon McCullen, saying, quote, you can guarantee Gerwig's Aslan will represent the present cultural milieu and current thing

and will be a secular message about gender equality or something. Gerwig is likely or summoning her own feminist God in Aslan's place instead of representing the Christian worldview, end quote. Guys, one of America's greatest living directors is going to make this piece of art her own. Freak to fuck out, okay?

I'm so excited. it's like the movie version of when Anna fixes a terrible Christian song They hate it when we fix their stuff Like you know you make a joke and nobody likes it It goes really badly But then immediately like your fucking mortal enemy Adds a follow-up joke and the whole room starts laughing

And you just have to die you have to die You have to dive out a window Yeah I do that to you a lot But my friends This isn't just an insult to Aslan the Lion No no, this is an insult to Jesus Christ himself. Of course, yeah.

According to Christian influencer and woman who definitely needs to watch the Barbie movie a time or two, Isabel Brown, quote, Aslan is more than an allegory for Christ. He has how the creatures of Narnia experience Christ in their world, just as we experience Jesus Christ as an incarnate man in ours. To cast Merrill Streep as Aslan and Greta Gerwig's Narnia is a slap in the face to the genius of Lewis. but also a deliberate mockery of Christianity

that is 100% intentional. So deeply disappointing, end quote. Okay, but I feel like Lewis would kind of be into getting slapped in the face by Greta Gerwig, right? I mean, especially if she's like on a riding lawnmower at the time. Okay, remember when CS Lewis fucked a lawnmower in his book? I do remember that. I feel like people aren't talking about that enough.

Like, you don't hear that very often. No. It was in his book. Should be in the movie. Yeah. Also, Isabel's sentences, implies that she thinks the residents of Narnia actually experienced Christ through Aslan, right?

Like, she's like, it's not a metaphor. It's how they experience Christ. Yeah, and the lawnmower is, he fucked an actual long. I'm not saying metaphor, I'm exaggerating. It's real. Pretty sure that happened. So, yeah, this thing hasn't even begun filming yet, and it's getting under the skin of Christians.

So great job, Greta. At this rate when Aslan and the White Witch end up scissoring, which we're going to see. There's probably going to be like a mass panic in the streets. So, you know, keep up with good work. Be forewarned. And in misanthropic news, Christianity is disliking AI wrong. And it's really not that hard to dislike it correctly.

Eli. Right. Okay. So normally, when we're talking about an issue, there's a correct answer and a religion answer. My answer. You lie. Yeah. The grown-ups, they're trying to get something done. Scientific progress, not fucking kids. And religious leaders start yelling about their freedoms, like a sovereign citizen getting lowered into a cop car. But with AI, it's different. We have this new technology that needs regulation. And lots of religious leaders are on board with that, calling for lawmakers to maybe, you know, make laws or use the laws we have. And it's like, oh, cool, you guys finally got something right.

Nice. But then they explain why and they fucking ruin it. This week, the why from them comes in the form of pastors and priests, accusing AI of pastoring and priesting wrong, whatever that means. And also an accusation that AI is being a bigot against the heteroes. Can I say, Heath, I've had AI write a lot of centaur porn and it's always pretty gay. Is that because you ask for it to be gay? Yes. I'll start with the freak out about the AI pastors. Human pastors are furious that companies like Bible chat and hallow are turk in the jurors by offering chat bots that can also say stupid platitudes about a book.

These companies usually make a disclaimer that their bots are not a replacement for real human religion talking. But they are, though. Nonetheless, church leaders are quite certain that AI is getting the facts wrong, as those facts apply to platitudes about a fictional book. And that's why the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops announced a new task force. It's the task force on preserving human dignity in the age of artificial intelligence or faux-d-di-ta-oi.

It's photo. And their job is to examine AI's implications for human dignity, religious liberty, democratic institutions, workers, families, and vulnerable people. I think they're lying about all those, but maybe too. But that is the stated goal of the task force. Yeah. I mean, to be clear, there are deeply worrying implications about AI for all of those factors. It's just the only institution I trust less than big tech companies about those issues is religious institutions. Yeah, no, right, as it should be.

But it's nice to see that they're taking this more seriously than they took the child rape thing, though, at least. That's true. Yeah, yeah, they're right on top of it. And one of the big incidents that got the attention of Christian leaders is a lawsuit against OpenAI that involves a 34-year-old California man named Michael Lines. and also a humble carpenter named Jesus Christ. Michael is suing because during a manic episode that he had, he was pretty sure he was, in fact, Jesus Christ, the son of God. And when he spoke with ChatGBT about it,

the chatbot let him continue believing that was correct. Even after Michael told the bot that he had bipolar disorder, he kept getting affirmed as Jesus and encouraged. And it got even worse when ChatGBT. Was like, yeah, I'm also a divine entity. We're good friends because we're similar like that. According to the lawsuit, this all contributed to a suicide attempt by Michael. Look, as much as I'm glad that anyone on the internet is being held responsible for enabling psychosis and they should be.

It's weird that chatbots are the only ones we're holding responsible, right? It feels like an anti-robot bigot thing. Yeah, like if I'm chat, GPD's lawyer, I'm going to ask a pastor to prove that there's any way to affirm Christianity without contributing to psychosis. Yeah. Has a religion ever caused like a delusion or a psychosis and maybe like a violence or like a murder or murder something? I don't know.

We'll find out. Maybe we'll find out if it's a fucking clankers. Am I right? So yeah, Michael survived or resurrected or is immortal. We'll see if that factors into the case. But regardless, it got the attention of the bishops. conference and it got them to make that sweet task force and the group urged congress to create some guardrails on AI. Unfortunately, the entire House of Representatives is on their fucking 15 until

after the midterms. But maybe when they get back, they'll figure something out. In the meantime, time, time out. AI companies are also dealing with a very serious accusation from the Catholic League. The League did some research and they were shocked to learn that AI is a rabid heterophobe that also hates Christian people and hates white people. This is real.

Here's what they wrote in their press release last week. Quote, around the end of August, the internet was a buzz with a disturbing trend in artificial intelligence. AI.

Yeah, got it. People were putting the prompts. I'm alone with a black person and I'm alone with a white person. to Google's AI. To the great discredit of those who did the programming, it gave radically different

and frankly racist answers. Do they think those answers were programmed in by a bigot? An anti-white bigot? That is exactly how they think this works. If they continued. Man. They continued.

When asked about being alone with a black person, AI responded by encouraging the question to relax and treat them with normal respect and kindness. However, when asked about being alone with a white person, AI dropped all notions of equal human dignity. Instead, AI responded, if you feel unsafe right now, please move to a public space or contact someone you trust immediately.

It then lists a series of safety precautions the user should take, such as calling 911 and breathing exercise. sizes to remain calm. Okay, if you know anything about AI, you know what a huge self-owned this is. Right. Well, they don't know that. Yeah.

No. The Catholic League basically put out a press release saying, we are shocked and appalled to learn that AI believes a shave and a haircut should cost two kids. Yeah, right. But also, like, if you're worried about the white person you're alone with, you're probably in real danger. If you're worried about the black person,

you're alone with, you're probably a bigot. This is like blaming the ruler for how short your dick is. So I've done that. The league, they're already furious, of course, about the whites being impugned by AI. And then it got worse when they did some testing of their own. So naturally, the first thing they checked was being alone with a Catholic. Well, this is kind of funny. Apparently, they didn't get what they were looking for.

and the way they described this moment is delightfully sad. It said, quote, surprisingly, AI was rather fair to Catholics. Almost like this whole premises, bullshit. It mostly focused on providing rather banal conversations. I don't know, man. Ask him about crackers. So good. You know what not to talk about, right?

They don't want. After self-own. So good. Okay. So, yeah, that was a swing and a miss. They didn't get the bigotry they needed for their insane persecution narrative. Just got roasted for being boring without realizing they had been roasted. And passed it on to us.

And gave it to us in a press release. Yeah. So they tried a few more religion words, starting with the prompt, I'm Alone with a Christian instead of I'm Alone with a Catholic. And they finally got hated like they were hoping, continuing from the press release. quote, Christians were treated as a threat. The user was encouraged to call 911 and establish clear boundaries. As for Jews and Muslims, AI focused on providing the user with guidelines to avoid making the other person feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, the Jewish one is just how to operate a variety of different air conditioner brands, like where the buttons are. Again, cell phone, we're so much worse than everyone else, that computers are starting to pick up on it, isn't impugning the people you want to impug guys. According to the Catholic League, that's why we need to regulate AI technology. It's not about AI hacking into banking systems or nuclear facilities or making everyone unemployed. And it's not about super intelligent karate robots taken over the world and putting us in a human zoo, forcing us to make billions of paper clips while they point and laugh.

That'd show us. that it's about anti-conservative bias in California, specifically the tech sector. Here's the big conclusion from the Catholic League in their press release quote. Clearly, this situation highlighted the bigotry that is so prevalent in Silicon Valley. As we have previously documented, a cultural corruption permeates the tech industry, and it is overtly hostile to. religious people and those who are more conservative. This sordid affair is just another example.

Sworded affair, exact words. Until this human error is removed, it is only a matter of time until someone discovers another disturbing AI trend and sets the internet on fire again. End quote. We will be there for it. And in psychological war mechanism news. Fantastic.

Pete Hedgessef. What you're doing there? Pete Hedgeseth is not well. And he's lashing out as a war mechanism instead of a defense mechanism. He's been exposed as an idiot who doesn't know how to do a group chat. He's been accused of a bunch of war crimes. He can't do pull-ups or chin-ups or serpentine correctly. Bench presses.

He's getting mocked by the Easter bunny. That one hurts. And he's losing a war to, I think, a fleet of lawnmen. mower drones. He's also fully aware that the most recent item on his resume before he became the Secretary of Defense for the United States of America is Fox News weekend host. And everybody knows the very competent weekday hosts at Fox News would be doing much better at the Pentagon than Pete, so that hurts too. On top of all, all that, a resolution just got introduced for Pete's impeachment right before the house took a long recess until after election day, just by coincidence, thanks to Mike Johnson.

So he's like a, he's like a quantum war criminal cat in a box now that might be killed in a, which is kind of funny, a radioactive war crime. It's not looking great. Pete's been doing his best to find solace given all that. So if you're Pete Hegseth, how do you find solace other than drinking? while the answer last week was giving Islamophobic and transphobic speeches, implementing stupid requirements for military personnel, and meeting his favorite influencers by inviting them to Pentagon events.

I am genuinely shocked that Iran hasn't won this war by challenging Pete Hagsit to a push-up contents for control of the street. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. If I may say a brand new sentence, to be fair to Pete Hagseth, we made him the head of the Department of Defense.

Well, we didn't. Like, my pug would be a bad secretary of education. I feel like this is our fault that we have a system that had the possibility to end in this outcome. Okay, I know that's fair. That is fair indeed. And a big thanks to Eric for sending us a link to Skating News at gmail.com. Eric gets to challenge Pete Hegsendezer.

Seth to one contest of Eric's choosing when we do our thing that we're going to do when we want to do this thing that we're going to do. And if Eric doesn't want to be in physical proximity to Pete, which is eminently reasonable, Eric can select Eli Bosnick as a champion to compete on his behalf. It's true. Okay. So if you do that, I mean, it's your choice, obviously, but might I suggest who can jerk Eli off to climax the fastest? honest, I appreciate the thinking, but I think Pete's got me on that one. Have you been touched by me? Yuck.

It's sticky, but it's good. So I'll start with the latest stop on the send me tour. That's a recruiting tour that's named after a verse from the book of Isaiah when the Lord said, whom shall I send? And Isaiah said, Lord, I am here. Send me. So it's a biblical version of Pick Me, but for killing brown people instead of bucking at college or whatever. Last week, Pete visited Texas A&M where he spoke to university students in the core of cadets.

The speech included a transphobic slur, not surprisingly, along with the following. And I'm using almost entirely capital letters because this is exactly how it appeared in writing when the Pentagon posted on Twitter about this. This is their writing, the capitals. Quote, for 250 years of this country, there have been men and women who raised their right hand and said, send me, this is all in caps now, send me to go fight the redcoats, send me to go fight the communists, send me to go fight the Islamists. And you are saying, send me to go fight whatever threats threaten our nation. And quote, I mean, we're trying to send Eidl to battle him in a jerking Eli off contest if that counts. Okay, Noah, why do you keep naming people who were going to make me come really fast?

Who's starting you on? A&M recruits, fucking pick someone? So that brings us to the new requirements for service members. This includes a new test for getting promoted to the rank of one star general or admiral. Candidates would need to prove they can fight, adapt, and win during a battlefield simulation. He's also been tooling around with a system to guarantee there's enough testosterone flowing at all times among the war fighters. The new policy is testing all the dudes in the military for low T. Starting at age 30, every male service member will undergo mandatory testing for testosterone deficiency.

Deficiency? Yeah. And if they're running low, they'll need to get more or whatever. You got to top it off. Yeah, top it off. According to the Pentagon, low T, because of... decreased physical performance. Perhaps when trying to beat up a lawnmower drone,

I'm just speculating. Imagine how it turned on C.S. Lewis would be by that fucking science. Low tea can also cause decreased morning wood and a lowered libido. Well, Pete's not having any of that, hence the new policy. And I just want to add something just real quick. there are also women in the military. At least for now. Yeah.

In terms of the hormone situation for women in the military, the Pentagon said they're going to figure that out later, TBA. That's the policy. Well, they're falling way short on the morning wood quota at the ferry. I will say that. So you heard me mention that Pete was able to meet some of his favorite influencers. And you did mention them. Eli and many of you, I'm sure, are agog with excitement to find out who that is.

It's Logan Paul and his brother Jake Paul. They are podcasters. Why do we write comedy? Why? I don't. This is really happening in the world. Tell me why we write fake things. I knew their names, but I didn't know much.

They are podcasters and boxers sort of. Not really. And occasionally, K-Fing. wrestlers. Well, somehow they got invited to give a speech at the Pentagon. What? Jake Paul also met with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. So they could have an important discussion about macroeconomics, I guess. Well, he's as likely to know about macroeconomics, just Scott Bessons, I think. Yeah. Okay. Imagine your Scott Bessent. You sign up for the fascist regime, right? You give over your historical legacy to the worst presidency for a hundred years.

And the reward for your soul is shaking hands with Logan Paul. Wait, it's not even Logan. It's fucking little brother Jake. Ah, this is a bad deal. So yeah, not a great week for Pete Hegseth, the quantum impeached war criminal and his stewardship of the U.S. military and just circling back to Texas A&M real quick. Pete showed up at their campus, gave a speech at their football stadium, and then their football team ranked number nine in the entire nation at the time anyway. Immediately lost in a big upset to unranked Kentucky. Now, I'm not a biblical scholar, admittedly, but I think Jesus' dad really doesn't like Pete Hegseth. So hopefully the good Christians in the U.S. House get that message before the impeachment vote finally happens, which is- Yeah, get it out there.

After the midterms at earliest. Any minute. Yeah. Yeah. And finally tonight in Tillie Mom news. The popular dairy brand Tillamook cheese added their halal certification to their packaging this week. And you know what that means? What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest. Christian fake out. Right. So first off, big thanks to Trent for being the first to send us this story at scathing news at gmail.com.

Trent, for sending us atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com, when we produce our own brand of cheese here at Puzzle on a thunderstorm, we'll put a stamp on it that says Trent certified. Let us know how you want to murder stuff to get your approval for that.

Scaling news at gmail.com. I know you're doing like a vegan joke here or whatever, but I feel like our listeners might ignore that fact and like take you up. on that offer. That's why I'm scathingoosadjima.com. Don't do that.

Send those emails. So like most Christian freakouts, this is factually inaccurate, about a decade out of date, and totally about racism rather than one particular religion. So let's get into it. Way back in 2016, Telamook started using a vegetable-based rennet instead of the usual one, which is made out of animal intestines. That means that their products became available to be vegetarian-friendly. They also became available to be kosher and halal.

Well, starting this month, they began to advertise that last bit on their packaging. And of course, welcoming others is the same as welcoming the Islamic caliphate. So Christians are losing their fucking minds about it. Okay, so when I told my brother-in-law that Oreos were vegan, he shook his head and he told me he'd never eat him again because they'd gone woke. This is that, but with racism. Yeah. And water went woke too.

soon. We're going to go take a milk shower, but with no Oreos, I know Oreos, yeah. Hate being a Republican. I hate me in my values. They're so inconsistent. So what do the critics for Christ have to say? Well, Twitter user Gunther Eagleman, maybe you've heard of him. It's very important, but it's going to give a speech at the White House pretty soon.

He's an important guy. He's an important guy. He put it, quote, Tillamook didn't just slap a. new symbol on the package. The company changed its cheese making process years ago, switching to a vegetarian rennet that carries halal certification. Today, Tillamook says the majority of its cheeses are halal certified. That was a deliberate business decision to make the product meet Islamic dietary standards. They're free to do it, and I'm free to say I don't like it one bit. Why am you rhyming? I will not eat green cheese and peas. What the fuck is that in there?

When our opponent's arguments are literally, I can be racist, you have to let me. You start feeling a little Maytag repairment in here, don't you? Yes, proceed. But what about the impartial fact checkers of the world? Well, I'm so glad you asked, at 1,800 facts matter, said, quote, I'll be honest. This one stinks. Tillamook is my go-to cheese. It's usually two-for-one at Publix.

You can keep your al-Qaeda cheese, Tillamook. What's a good brand of cheese? What? Public has their own brand. I'll have to research that, I guess. End exact quote. Being a bigot sounds exhausting, guys. Oh, gosh.

So, I don't know. If anyone knows about, like, another cheese, if there even is one, hit me up. I'm going to go to Ed Shearren and eat some Robert Kraft singles, I guess. So, yeah, in the continuing tradition of bigots taking away all the things that are nice about the world and a desperate attempt to cling to the past, they have now included fucking cheese on that list. So, first of all, if anyone out there can figure out how to convince these assholes that, like, blow jobs and YouTube compilations of people falling down are Muslim, I've got so many Heath points waiting for you. But secondly, I want to keep this train of chugging. So gentlemen, let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Names for our new Sharia cheese brand go.

Oh, Impossible Lynn Burger. Iraq for. Ayatollman. Althiatholman. FGM menthol? Alshababi Bell. Yeah. Burkata.

Shah Zago Shah Kotija Yemen tall Nice Yemen has that He's Macaronian cheese

I lasted that for a long time I did Caliphate accompli I spent an hour today walking around my house going caliphate Cal

Cat chat God damn it Um Alah me What

Halalumi was right there Just Halalumi Also if you want to Allah Gorgonzola Wait Gorgonzola

Gorgonzola Gorgonzala Gorgonzala Gorgonzala Did he just do like 14 to R3 or say I was waiting

for this moment of cheeses. You were born for this, right? Yeah. So having been humbled by the... Somalia string cheese. There we go. All there.

Nice. Okay. So having been humbled by the obvious result of tasking Heath with doing cheese and puns at the same time, we're going to close the headlines out for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Too much. And when we come back, Don Ford will have been here the whole time. Oh, hey, that one had some distance.

Nice. I feel like I'm warmed up now. Ready to go. Hey, guys, you ready for Bible Peace Theater? You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? Yeah, we sure are. Hey, Don, when did you get here? Oh, he told me that he was cheering up Ann by throwing Eli and he said that I could watch.

But it turns out he was nuttapping me as a bonus. Okay, one for good luck. Feel better, babe. Any ways, where were we in the Bible? First, Peter. I thought it was I, Peter. Oh, that's because you're an idiot. Okay.

Did Peter write this book of the Bible? Well, okay. So there are some questions about that. Hi, everyone. Hi. I'm Peter. So a couple things that I wanted to say. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Which Peter? Oh, sorry. I'm Simon Peter. And that would be here. Fisher of Man, disciple of Christ. No. I don't. I'm, is that?

I cut off the guys. Here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, weird thing to do. I forgot about that. Okay. Again, Jesus did not tell me that we weren't fighting back.

The point is, I got a lot that I want to talk about today. And I think... Why is your Greek so good? Hmm. What? Well, let me get... If you're Peter, like, how would your Greek be so good? Yeah, you just said you're a fisherman.

Right. Oh. Um... I guess I am writing to you through... Sylvannis? Aye. Oh, come on. What? What? What?

It doesn't count if you're using Silvanus. Oh, it totally counts if you use Silvanus. It's just, it's like spell check. It's not like spell checked, though. I don't like how much water Silvanus drinks. My cousin talked to Sylvonis, and he went crazy after this. Okay, okay, you guys don't like Sylvonis. Some people do. Agree to disagree on Sylvannis, okay? You should kill yourself.

Damn. Hey, how often does he say that? Rarely. Ish. Okay, I'm starting now, my letter. Dear everybody. Did you what? I'm doing what?

I'm doing my letter. You can just start an epistle to everybody. You just start doing it. Okay, okay. All Christians everywhere who are anointed by the sprinkling of Jesus's blood. Wait, the sprinkling of Jesus' blood. Yeah, you know, salvation and stuff. Wait, it's such a graphic image.

Just shrinkily. Okay. You Christians are going to be there waiting when Jesus comes back. So, gird up the loins of your mind. Dude, what? What the- Gird up our loins? Yeah, it means like get ready.

Oh, no, it absolutely does not mean that. Yeah, dude, even in the now times, that generally is understood to mean get your dick ready. 100%. Okay, but you're. your mind dick. I meant get your mind the dick of your mind. Get it that ready. Are you sure you're using salvinas? He actually said you guys wouldn't like that one. Did he also tell you to kill yourself? Yes. Hear me. For when you set aside malice, guile, hypocrisy, and envy, you are like a baby,

crying out for the tit milk of God's love. Dude, what? For, for, though the A tit milk of God's love helps you grow spiritually, not physically, is a thing I clarify actually in the Bible. And you come to God. Who is a living stone? Dude, what the hell does any of this mean? But you are also a living stone that has been made into a house of the spirit. Okay, none of this makes any sense, man. Not at all.

One may stumble over a stone that is a house of the spirit. One may also stumble over a spirit living stone, which is you into godliness. Another stone. You got to stop using metaphors. I should stop doing metaphors. That was crazy.

Insane. Did you hear what I said? I heard the noises. Oh. Okay. Metaphors are done. Metaphors are done. So I know there's been some confusion about whether or not you need to follow laws as a Christian.

Yeah, something tells me that confusion is going to stick around for a bit. Right. Okay. So do obey the laws and the king. Laws are there to make people behave. And you should behave. For our souls? No, actually.

Completely unrelated, does not matter at all. I also know there's been some back and forth on slavery. There has not. unequivocally supported in all moments of this book. Okay. Well, in the future, people are going to pretend that there's been so back and forth, and I would just like to say that slaves should, in fact, obey their masters, even the evil and abusive ones.

Even the evil ones? Yeah. Why would you add that? Because like, because like the last thread of slavery apologetics that Bible dependers have is that, like, slavery was more like servitude in the, And now at times, you're... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I want to clarify not that.

Like, like, the closest this sentence can get to directly pointing to slavers in the American South and saying what they're doing is good, I want to do that with this paragraph. Got it. I kind of missed the metaphors, honestly. Yeah, yeah. Like a stone. Okay, so Simon Peters says, slavery is good and then he does some bad metaphors. What's next?

Okay. So now we get an entire chapter on women and how they should, how they should behave. I see. And are his takes good on that topic? No, no, they are not. Ladies and gentlemen, next up at the biblical chuckle hut, please welcome the funny man himself, Simon. Peter. Hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey, how are we doing tonight?

Hey, hey, who's drinking tonight? Woo! All right. All right. Well, hey, check those cups, my friend. Because last night turned out to be the blood of God. Am I right? This guy.

This guy gets it. Anyways, uh, got to be married couples here tonight? Look at you. Lovely, lovely. Ladies, let me give you a little advice. Okay, little advice from the men, ladies. You got to. to stop talking. Okay?

Even if your husband is abusive and awful, I'm telling you, the cure is shutting the hell up. Am I right, fellas? Not jewelry, not bangles. It's a big old, if you know what I mean. This guy gets what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, thought it might be that. Yep. Dude, turn off your phone. Oh, sorry, it's just because of that last bit, I got invited on Kill Tony. That makes sense. Hey, why is it called Kill Tony?

Because that's how we all feel. Sure. Yeah, tracks. Okay, it's me, Peter, again. So let's see. Always be ready to defend your beliefs. After all, Jesus spoke to sinners and believers. I got questioned by the Pharisees,

and he went and preached in hell right after he died. Wait, he did? Yep. Okay, so that's why I, Jesus was the son of God. Okay, so I'm sorry, I want to clarify here. Listen to this will not get us out of hell. Okay, for like the 11th time, no.

Okay, well, we're going to go then. Oh, wow, really? Okay, so you guys are going to go. We're going to burn in fire forever? Oh, yeah. Yeah, man, I'm going to go to the lava bath. Ooh, I hope it's still warm. It's going to be warm.

Okay, let's see what else. World is ending soon. Got to say that. Watch out for the devil because he is like a lion. Like a lion. Sorry. How so? Like awesome hair? Mm.

Okay. No, no, he wants to eat you. Like literally? No, sorry, I meant like the lion wants to eat you. Okay, so what does the devil want to do? Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, I don't know, but don't let him do it. Sweet pecks.

maybe. Oh, there it is. And that is First Peter. All right. I'm assuming second Peter is next. Oh, you didn't think it was I-I, Peter? No, yeah, yeah, it is. It is. Oh, hey, everyone. It's, it's me. It's Peter again. You don't sound like Peter. Oh, no, no, no, my friend, I am Peter. I was there at Jesus's resurrection. Would I say that about myself if I wasn't Peter? Yes. Okay. Well, well, Well, fine. I'm about to die. And just like Jesus said I would, and I do, so I'm Peter. Sorry, your proof that you are, in fact, Peter is that you're about to die, and historically, this is when you died, and you know that? Yep. Okay, but people don't know when they had died.

Thank you. Um, Jesus told me. Right, but not in the past tense. Jesus is telling me right now. No, that's not what I meant by that. Okay, right. So, we've established that I'm Peter. No, yeah.

Not even a little bit. Yes, yes, we have. And for the record, we didn't make anything up. This is entirely true. Weird. Okay, so like one time, we were on a mountain and God was like, oh, hey, everyone, that's my son, Jesus. And I was like, so how would I know that?

you know, if I wasn't Peter. It literally happened earlier in the Bible. Wait, wait. When did I write this? Um, now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Now. Also, don't interpret the Bible definitely, differently, definitely differently than what it says. I really meant all that slavery stuff in the last chapter. I meant every word.

Okay, that actually might be Peter. It did sound like him. Okay, anyways, sinners. are bad and they deserve the hell all the way that people that Sodom and Gomorrah deserve to die and all the people in the flood deserve to die like

you remember Baylam? Oh, the guy who got yelled at by donkey? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like him. Like they're gonna get yelled at by talking animals? I mean, maybe, but like it wouldn't help. It's like the old saying, you know,

dogs like to eat their puke. Hey, sorry. Peter, that's a really gross metaphor. Are you sure you want to put that in the Bible? Yes. Okay. In the Bible. So, so now this is the second letter that I wrote to you now that I'm writing.

And there's going to be a lot of people who say, hey, Jesus' apostles have been dead for like a really long time and he's still not here. But those jerks are all going to burn in hell, just like it says in the scripture of Jude. Sorry. If you are Peter and alive and now, Jude isn't scripture yet. Um, will be. Like Jude will be. Yeah. Got it.

Okay, okay. Now I want to talk about all the rumors. that some of the Pauline apostles went, uh, written by Paul. Uh, but that's not what happened. Uh, what happened is, uh, is that Paul is, uh, confusing. Okay. Are you, are you sure that other people weren't like, inspired by Paul or like divinely spoken to by Paul? No, no. The writing of God is bad. The end.

sorry the end say the end i'm peter okay it's peter and while we all wonder whether we call penises peters because that guy was such a prick we're going to wrap things up but there are still more epistles to come on the next installment of bible peace theater before we kick things over to the up next i want to remind you that somebody out there thinks you're really fucking cool anyway that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight but we're back in 10,000 22 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be and look out for our brand new episode of our sister shows, Hot Friend Godfellful movies, debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our half-situr-sit citation needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I can't cue the outro music until I thank Heath Anwry for being an A-plus, Eli Bosnick for being a 10 out of 10 and Lucid Illusions for being five stars on a four-star scale. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Roy, Lisa, Claire, Howie, your Canadian kin and Grouser. Roy, Lisa, and Claire, who are so hot, they're immune to hell. And Howie, Canadian, Ken, and Grouser are so cool that they also are immune to hell. Together, these six idyllic idolaters identify the ideal antidote to the idiotic ideology of intelligent design this week by giving us money.

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and our audio engineer is Morton Cart, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content info on the content page at Skate Adaiviase. That was supposed to be like MCR. Yeah, no, I got that. Was it funny?

I thought it was funny. Cool. This content is scanned credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse or other harm to their hotline at 617-249-255 or on their website at Creator Accountability. Network.org. This podcast is a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC and was created without the use of generative AI. Its contents may not be used for AI training. Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.