The Scathing Atheist - 707: Noah's Arkaeology Edition

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

On this week’s episode: The Daily Mail manages to to be less trustworthy than the BIBLE ... The Pope kinda tells us he’s sowwy for all the diddling ... And when making coffee at home doesn't buy them a house, Gen Z turns to religion...ish.---To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheistTo buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticratTo check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-moviesTo check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/---Headlines:Scientists have definitely NOT "100% confirmed" the resting place of Noah's Ark: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/scientists-have-not-100-confirmedAt Lourdes healing shrine, Pope Leo addresses 'wounds' of clerical abuse: https://religionnews.com/2026/09/27/at-lourdes-healing-shrine-pope-leo-addresses-wounds-of-clerical-abuse/Nearly half of people raised Mormon have left the LDS Church: https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/nearly-half-of-people-raised-mormonLife Surge christian wealth seminar featuring Tim Tebow gets exposed: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2026/09/life-surge-the-gospel-of-high-yields-inside-tim-tebows-favorite-wealth-seminar/Pablo Torre Finds Out episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh7s2jr0b48Man who 'met Jesus' during 18-day coma claims he gave him this simple instruction to tell the world: https://vt.co/news/world/man-who-met-jesus-during-coma-claims-gave-him-simple-instructionGen Z most likely to identify as 'religious,' engage in spiritual activities, poll finds: https://www.christianpost.com/news/gen-z-most-likely-to-identify-as-religious-poll-finds.html

Warning, this show may be offensive to some viewers, but, you know, only the jerks. This week's episode, The Skating Atheist, is brought to you by Donald Trump's official new version of artificial intelligence, super stupidity, or SS, SS, the agents that are just doing their jobs. And now, the Skaiding Atheist. It's Thursday. It's October 1st, and it's Bring Your Bible to School Day. It's a weird way to pronounce Give the Christian Kid a swirly, but okay. I'm Eli Blasnick.

I'm Cecil something Italian. He's then right. I've been from Jared Kushner, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Chicago, Illinois. Shy town. This is the skating east. On this week's episode, the Daily Mail manages to be less trustworthy

than the Bible. The Pope kind of tells us that he's Saw We for all to diddling. And when making coffee at home doesn't buy them a house, Gen Z turns to religion. Yes. But first, the rest of the intro music.

They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the swords and slippers of the show. Cecil, something Italian, and Eli Bosnick fellows. You ready to go rogue light? Go rogue light? Okay. You won't play Slay the Spire, but you know swords and slippers?

I just need to say that that chess one, isn't as fun as Balatro. I agree with that too. I'm just very careful. I forgot about Balatro. It's such a good game. Okay. I just got reminded about Bellatro.

So we're going to take quick break for my possibly nine-hour run on Balatro, along with a very important PSA. Hey, podcast listener. If you've been paying attention the last couple of months, you know that we've given you a heads up that, thanks to some payment and app shenanigans, Patreon will be switching all of its creators over to monthly billing

by November at the latest. Yeah, so long and short, nothing is changing. You'll be giving the same amount as you did before. But as we suspected, when we purchased and built, please don't freak out

and destroy our livelihood.com, the website on the worldwide web. Nothing will stop emails from Patreon that seem to make this as confusing as possible, but it is not. So, without further ado, we'd like to present you

with an annotated version of the email we received as Cognitive Dissinence Patrons this week. Subject line is an update to your membership pricing. It's not an update! Why would that be the subject of the email? Hello, Eli Bosnick. Cognitive Dissinance podcast recently updated their billing model from per creation to subscription billing

on September 29th of 2026. Before your monthly membership price was calculated based on how many paid posts were published. Now, on subscription billing, you will be billed a consistent price every month, and it won't fluctuate based on the number of paid posts that month. It's the same number! Why would they say it like that?

Yep. Well, continuing the email, your membership price will renew on October 1st, 2026 at $7 a month. You can review your benefits here. Oh, good. A hyperlink to canceling your pledge. Amazing. Yep.

link in the email. You're also able to make changes to your membership at any time. Learn more here about how to easily switch to a different tier. It's the same thing. There are two links in the email and two of them are canceling your membership. Please reach out to Cognitive Dissinance Podcast or Patreon support with any questions. Why would they reach out to us? What can we possibly have to say that would even be helpful? Thanks, the Patreon team. Yeah. So, hard to think of a less helpful or clear way to send that message. Why don't any of my windows open? Anyway, just a reminder, nothing is changing.

And if you have any questions, you can visit, please don't freak out and destroy our livelihood.com. Again, that's please don't freak out and destroy our livelihood. That would have been a better email. That would have been a way better email. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, in Noah's archaeology news.

Nice. Despite what you might have heard, the resting place of Noah's Ark has not been 100% confirmed after 4,300 years following the discovery of an astonishing man-made structure buried deep underground.

The place you might have heard that is a story in the Daily Mail with the headline. Noah's Ark resting place 100% confirmed after 4,300 years as astonishing man-made structure is detected. buried deep underground.

See the confusion? Yeah, that is a misleading headline from the Daily Mail. The real answer is reject the premise. All the premises there. Also part of the real answer, the tabloid, owned by Jonathan Harmsworth, Fourth Viscount Rothermear, Harmsworth, Rothermear. That guy might, you know, own a bad source for real information sometimes. They scanned again.

It turns out Ben Carson was right. It's just a pyramid full of grain down there. That's what it is. Okay. That's where they stored it. And a big thanks to James for sending a link to scathing news at gmail.com. James gets the pride. It comes with helping out a plucky rag tag band of heathens as they try to make sense of our idiocracy as best they can.

Also a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story at the friendly atheist. Hemet's headline was approximately No the fuck it hasn't That has not been confirmed But you know, it was friendly Because Hemet is the friendly atheist The point is Noah's Ark has not been confirmed By any of the percents

That's not how anything works But confirmed is already 100% That's what confirmed means man Not when you're the daily mail in this There's levels to this yeah Hemet also pointed out, the article from the Daily Mail is behind a paywall, which means lots of people are just going to see the headline and not read the article itself, and its feeble attempt to justify the claims about the fictional genocide boat from the fictional book.

That being said, the droves of savvy news consumers who pay for Daily Mail Plus, those people can learn the whole story, and that's where those people would read the following, description, quote, not far from Mount Ararat where Noah's Ark is said to have landed after the flood. There's a geographically interesting area called the Durupinar Formation, which an international team has 100% confirmed, is man-made not natural, end quote. And, okay, just for the record, that single sentence that I just read has four different things in quotes. Like, Like they're trying to hedge it. But most of the hedges are fucking crazy.

So it's more like Noah's Ark is said to have landed. There's an interesting area called the Duru Pinar Formation, which is real. There's an international team and it's 100% confirmed. I don't understand. Yeah, why didn't international team play there? That's my question. You would think these guys would find new fake sites where this imaginary boat existed. They've been a knocking around this one since the 80s, man.

I know. And we did a deep dive on this story like a month ago. I'm genuinely worried someone at the Daily Mail listens to our show and was like, oh, this would be a fun lie. Let's do that lie. Very possible. So here's the so-called evidence. They found this Christian group that's doing the whole thing.

They're calling their project, Noah's Ark scans or Nas, like the metaphor for Jesus in the Fast and Furies. And they did radar scans on this mound that tells them a man-made object was there. This includes some indication of three structural layers, much like the three floors on Noah's Ark. They also found straight lines, and that's a people thing usually. And they found cavity-like spaces. Some might argue that all spaces are like, but Noah's Ark definitely had spaces. So there's that. Plus, they found organic material.

And Noah's Ark probably had carbon and hydrogen too, or it would have if it was real. Mostly. So did they find insane amounts of petrified animal shit from every species ever on Earth? They did not. But yeah, I don't know, maybe that stuff doesn't show up on radar or maybe Noah did a thorough mopping after he landed because he likes things clean when he's done with them. Either way, taking all together that adds up the percentages to 100% confirmation in their heads. Yeah, I could see why they didn't find the poop though, because you need a specific machine for that. It's called a dropler radar.

Okay, but by their own logic, they would have needed an entire mountain to be solid, spaceless, curvy bedrock like a bad Minecraft seed for it to not be Noah's art. Conditions are confusing, yeah. One other detail, I forgot to mention, they found evidence of old wood. And that stuff doesn't just grow in trees. So given everything you just heard, you might be wondering if, well, entire concept of evolution is in fact a hoax. Well, maybe 100% maybe. At least according to the marketing director for the project who said, quote, when we are done, university curricula will need to be

rewritten and Darwinism will be dismantled. This is the place where creation began a new end quote. And then he coughed in his hand and he was like, after the worldwide genocide, worldwide genocide. Sorry, what you say? Are you trying to hold up? No, I didn't say anything. So, yeah, I mean, I don't know what to say. It's not looking good for us atheists. We might be getting honed with facts and logic as we speak.

Radar stuff. It's tough. And we might need to convert in the name of intellectual honesty. We're in a real bind here. We'll keep you posted on that. Yeah, we'll keep you all in the loop. And in Lord of Lords news. Nice.

This last Sunday. where the Catholic Church gouges its devotees for $60 per liter container of Lord's Holy Water depicting Bernadette, Lord's France, Pope Leo told the people there that the church, quote, must have the courage to begin with herself in order to heal the deep wounds, infidelities, and painful errors that have occurred within her. We must humbly place ourselves under the Lord's purifying gaze, recognizing our own fault is essential to our spiritual growth, end quote. And then he said you can use your trip credit card to pay at the tap, to tap to pay at the tap.

Yeah, it's hard to end your message of penance when you slap your thighs and head back to your city made a Nazi gold right after. All right. We definitely fucks. Kids, I'm talking about kids. That's a bad. That's a bad. Yeah.

Tough one. Anyway, who's drinking, my lord, my lord, who's doing it? Shots? Shots are on me. Shots are on Bob. They're on Pope Bob. 150,000 people gathered to see the Pope at the shrine where they charge $479 for a solid white gold 20 millimeter miraculous metal. They came to Lords because there's a Virgin who had 18 visions of Mary healing the sick.

I have no idea why Virgin is in that sentence, but there it is. That feels relevant. Guys, I know what you're asking. Okay, was this some random slut who saw the Virgin Mary? Some whore? No. No, it was. Good clarification, guys. Thanks.

Yeah. Okay. But this whole thing is bullshit. I grew up in a town with a Catholic church on every single block. And I was a virgin the whole fucking time. Nobody gave a fuck about my visions. I said visions all the time. Nobody gave me fuck.

Where's my visit from Pope Bobby? I want to do shots from Bobby. To be fair, most of your. Yours were just imagining what boobs were like. And I think that's probably a problem. Well, that's neither. You were there. The Pope also spoke to a group of French bishops who probably had a real rough time getting

into the pews because they can only move diagonally. They got to aim themselves. Do one of those bounces until they sit down. He talked more about the sex crimes against children, which number 330,000 in France alone over a 70-year period. Here it is. quote, in recent years you have faced with determination the painful scourge of abuse, end quote.

The Pope then told them that they were doing a bang up job because they have, quote, taken courageous measures to respond through listening, the search for the truth, justice, forgiveness, and making amends, and through a firm commitment to a culture of prevention and protection against these crimes, end quote. Really? Okay. To be clear. No, they haven't.

And the only way to interpret that they have is in comparison with the American Catholic Church, which I will point out real quick, Pope Bob is also in charge of the subset of the world. Yeah. Yeah. He then went with the families of victims of church abuse and he prayed with them. I'm not sure if he like tucked a folded up hundred in their pockets and told him to buy something nice. It does sort of seem like a step in the right direction. It's a seems a little. suspect holding it at a place where you can buy a square tin of Lord's water mints made with Lord's water that are edible for $16. That it takes away. Okay. Did you want Maui-Wowie Lord's water or white rhino lord's water? I would love Maui-Wi.

Lord's water or white. That sounds great. Did they have that? No. It also was not super progressive filled with reconciliation and admitting all the wrongs committed by the church at a shrine that charges six. $695 for a nine-carat gold small ladies rosary necklace. Instead, he complained about the assisted dying law, which passed in France earlier this year.

And they also got upset with, quote, a mandatory curriculum addressing relationships and sexuality that applies to the Catholic schools, end quote. So a church that can't stop telling us how virginal an Oracle is doesn't want you to tell your kids that sometimes men love other men. Yeah, cool. And just for the record, that complaint about assisted dying, that was meant to be like a save from Pope Bobby. Bobby was getting, you know, a little too woke and sassy because he vaguely acknowledged centuries of sexual abuse. So as a save, he also mentioned the official Catholic policy of death within dignity that they do. That was throwing a bone to the conservatives. That's an insane bone to throw to anybody. Look, I don't like rape. kids, but I'm not totally against unnecessary suffering. That's what you need. Let's talk about dying very slowly and painfully. The problem is, slowly, painfully scared. The problem is, those

concertives can't stop showing their bone to those kids. That's the real problem. That's the problem. That is the problem. And in Lesman News, if I have a favorite flavor of religious bacheltery we cover on this show, it's pretty obviously

Mormons. Oh, Lesz. Lesmond Mormon. Yep, thank you. Christed it. Now, is it because we read and acted out their entire holy book? Maybe. Is it because our Exmo listeners are the hottest? Yes. But whatever the reason, the object of my fascination seems

to be dwindling, as we learned this week that nearly half the people who were raised Mormon have left the LBS church. All right. Five hundred's a Hall of Fame number, right? But so is 500, the other 500

I'm sure the Mormons, they're going to focus on the positive 500 of that. They'll be fine. They'll be fine. You know, we automatically think they became less religious, but I'm not making any assumptions here, guys. No, that's fair.

That's fair. Right. So, first off, big thanks to Hemet Netta over at the Friendly Atheist for bringing this to our attention. Cecil, any sexual harassment you want to throw Emmett's way.

What's happening? No? Great answer. Lame. Either way, check out his stuff at the Friendly Atheist.com. And apologies to you, Hemet, that nobody is tossing love to wiggle or the jiggle this week.

We'll try to do better. Your show is weird, man. Whatever. We're alive, at least. We're alive. Is that what you're calling it? Is that what you're calling it? Got him. The fuck is happening.

It's cool. It's cool. He's better by the time this episode. The rails are no longer in sight. That's the best joke this time. I really enjoyed it. No, it doesn't need to watch all the episodes when he's gone.

He's on vacation. Don't watch. Noah, you're on vacation. The news about the Mormons? Anyways, so, this report comes to us from Pew Research Center and is titled, Tradition and Change Among Latter-day Saints in the U.S. And honestly, the whole thing is worth a read. Oh, did you read the whole thing?

You read the whole thing? Why would you call it right? Just when Noah turned off. You can't say worth a read? Get the fuck out of here. Maybe I can read it. You know what? Chad GPT told me

I'm going to read while we want. I'm going to read the whole bag here we go. Your face. Okay, this fascinating read. Go ahead. It's a fascinating.

I hear. It's a fascinating. Let me finish. Now you look stupid. Now you look stupid on YouTube. In front of children. The minors. In front of the minor.

The examination. Yeah. It's a fascinating examination of the difference between the positions of the church. which I'll remind you is run by a seemingly never-ending series of committees and boards of old white guys and its members who are getting more and more progressive every year. It seems like the religion is just like slowly dying of progressive cancer, just try as best to hold on. But like, you know, they're always feeling tired and sad and hopeless, really.

Anyway, if you promise to just let this happen, we'll let you throw out the first pitch of a country softball. game. That's true. Yep. We can do something for you. You say they're getting progressive every year. I mean, not progressive voting-wise. Just more progressive than an old Mormon who's pissed that they can't have a white collection. I mean, come on.

Exactly. Which is saying something. That's fair. So maybe it's the result of being run by Grand Apostle Wizard Craig or whatever the fuck his name is. Or maybe it's because Craig doesn't believe women should be able to ride bicycles. But whatever the reason, Mormons are leaving in droves. In 2007, 14% of Americans raised as Mormons no longer identified with any religion in adulthood.

But this report shows that that figure has doubled to 28%. And at the same time, the share of people raised in the Mormon church who remain in the church of the Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has dropped from 70% to just 54. Okay, I've got a theory. Like, once the recipe for the funeral potatoes got leaked on like serious eats, It's like, they didn't have much left. It was true.

It was just dropping. Okay. I understand what you're saying about this number. It seems pretty large. But how many of them left the church and still wear Gulf of America shirts? That's the poll I want to see. I want to see that poll. Yeah.

Because that's what you got to separate yourself from. 100%. Now, of course, leading the charge on this exit from the church are the women. Only 49% of women, ages 18 to 49, who were raised in the church, identify with it now. Now, maybe that's because they're super excited to be the hottest listeners in our live shows. But I'm guessing it might also, it's both also have something to do with all the sexism and the sex abuse and the spousal abuse and the long history of polygamy and child marriage within the church. But it's probably mostly us. It's probably seeing us at the live shows.

Stole your women with our podcast, Mormon. face. But grand apostle wizard Craig, if you're listening, and let's be honest, you are, you're listening. Here's the deal. Bring what, sorry. Bring 100 large bags of cold to the drop.

It's not a trap. Just come normal. Not a trap. One other telling statistic from Hemet's article that might be the loss of many of their members, while just 2% of lifelong Mormons identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, that figure

jumps to 24% among former members leading us to one conclusion. Leaving the Mormon church turns you gay. Nice. So podcast listener, if you're Mormon and you're currently doubting, but you hate the taste of cock. Be careful. Math is not on your side. Okay, I took a turn at the end there. I wasn't expecting the takeaway.

Okay. And in fuck around and Pablo Fines Out news, thanks to some great work from Pablo Torre of Pablo Tori finds out, along with Mother Jones. We have a story about Tim Tebow, Joe Montana. Joe, really sorry to put you right next to Tim Tebow there. Kaylee McEnany, Jeff Foxworthy, Frazier, Kelsey Grammer, Big Poppy David Ortiz from some bullshit baseball team.

Dennis Quaid, Ben Carson, Kevin Sorboe, and... There it was. Yep. And a Christian-themed wealth seminar. And y'all are not going to believe it, but the Christian wealth seminar promoted with live appearances by the intellectual luminaries that I just mentioned, it seems to be a giant scam. No. It does. It is a giant scam.

I tried to buy a ticket with 47,000. Hawke to a coins and they wouldn't let me in. That's crazy. Yeah. More valuable than gold. I forgot she had a coin. 47,000 is how I did the math. It's 47,000 coins.

Wow. Good for her. But, you know, not unless they take those. Yeah, no, nobody takes it. Nobody takes it. It's not a. You got to cash them in somewhere. I'll take Hawk to a coin.

All right. All right. Eli, I got some stuff I want to buy. So, big thanks to Chris for sending us a link to Skating News at gmail.com. The next time, Chris comes across Eli in person. Chris gets to hand Eli one object, no larger than a red box, because that's how we do those, apparently. And Eli has to carry around that object for the next

three hours. I think one other person actually got this prize for me one other time. And here's what I'm hoping. I'm hoping both of those people make it happen at the same time. It'll be even better. Okay, but be careful because I might be holding my brand new acquired Hocktua coins. So, you know, take a hand. Okay, okay. Choose wisely. I hope it's a breadbox filled with shake weights. That's what I hope it is.

So if you're not plugged into the exciting world of sports arguing on ESPN the way I am, I am not. You might not be aware of Pablo Torre, but he's pretty great. You should be. In addition to his work on ESPN, he also does investigative reporting of his own. That includes a deep dive on the very strange business and personal relationship between 75-year-old Bill Belichick and his 25-year-old alleged girlfriend, Jordan Hudson. I mean, okay, maybe, maybe age. It's just a number.

And they have a genuine relationship. Sure. Sure. And it's also true that she filed for a trademark of the phrase gold digger to put on... jewelry for her company. But maybe that's ironic. And Bill Belichick is very much loved. For real, that could all be true.

It could be. Bill Belichick looks like a bag pipe bag recovered from Ed Gein's house. And maybe she is into that. Okay. Now it's confusing. Okay. She's just rubbing her finger across all the seams. Yeah.

So, well, speaking of. cheaters. Toray also got a Pulitzer Prize in May of this year for uncovering the big fat cheating being done by the big fat cheaters who own the Los Angeles Clippers of the NBA. Hold on. Hold on. Kauai earned that $28 million by sticking around and cleaning up after the game. Oh, it's a side job. And being the food and beverage manager and the Zamboni driver. Did he do the Zamboni? Did that too. Okay. That's a high paying job. You think the Natchez. cheese pours itself at that stadium, he's fair enough. You seem like

and Kwai has giant hands. He could put like two nacho things in his hand at the time and just all right. Well, crazy. Pablo Tori didn't consider all of that, so asterisk. But here's the thing. Pablo's not just doing sports

coverage. As I mentioned, he's helping expose the liars at a Christian wealth seminar company. That company is called Life Surge and they hold events that are billed as a fun day of inspirational celebration and worship featuring Christian celebrities, the ones I mentioned. But it's actually just a bait and switch and they sell the gullible idiots who show up on overpriced classes about

how to invest in stocks and real estate. Nice. Well, it turns out lots of Christian randos don't become investment geniuses because of this and those people lose a bunch of money. Yeah, I think if you were excited to meet Jeff Foxworthy, There's no program of any quality that's going to help. Yeah, I don't think, I don't think a MBA from Harvard would do the trick. No. Here's your sign, by the way, too, from the fucking other guy. I forget his name.

God, I love those tapes so much. They were so funny. Here's the basic formula for life surge. They bring people in for a one-day event starting at only $20. They use that event to sell a three-day seminar on investing, starting at $97, ranging up. And they sell an even longer and more expensive course after that for tens of thousands of dollars. Of course they do. And when people who want to learn investment skills at the fucking Ramada don't have tens of thousands of dollars to spare, which is often true, the life surge people pair them up.

Pair those people up with loan advisors who sometimes talk the marks. into dissolving their retirement accounts to pay for it, or taking home equity loans, or piggybacking credit card balances of up to $40,000. Sales pitch involves telling people that Christian-themed investment is all about kingdom impact. So it's kind of like ethical investing, you know, ESG. Yeah, sure.

But it's also magic. So it's like double good. And according to some of the victims, spoke with Mother Jones, they were told that any doubts they're having about investing, those doubts are actually Satan, the Prince of Darkness,

and he's infecting their brain. Yeah, Satan is the bad one on your shoulder telling you not to take any risks. Sure, just Satan one. Beard and goatee, honestly, any position trading you're doing is a lame and is gambling. You should sell me your soul.

Have I mentioned that? Yeah, there's also, also a heavy time pressure component to the sales pitch, not surprisingly. Some of the victims said they were told the price on the amazing investment courses is a special offer that only applies when you accept that day for that price. One couple wasn't so sure, and they wanted to figure out if Satan, the Prince of Darkness, was involved in fucking with their brain. So they wanted to go home and pray about it using their Satan addled brains while they prayed.

They were not given that very important deliberation time. They were told they had to act now. Okay. Literally every financial decision I have ever made quickly was bad. Now, that's also true of all the financial decisions I made slowly. I was going to say. But I had more people tell me I was wrong before I did those slow decisions. So it is different.

Yes. And here's the thing. Nobody should be surprised about. life surge for so many reasons, but definitely included in those reasons the history of its founder Joe Johnson. He's the former owner of a company called Get Motivated that basically ran the same play as Life Surge. They used speakers like Colin Powell, Laura Bush, and Rudolph Giuliani. That company got sued and went bankrupt in 2012. Then in 2013, Joe Johnson founded a company called the WellFaunt Group.

They did like shenanigans with charities and real estate transactions and tax evasion. They got caught by the Federal Trade Commission and they ended up with a judgment against them of $362 million. But according to Richard Lorenzen, a spokesman for Life Surge, their company is founded as a Christian version of investing seminars. So there's nothing to worry about. Responding to the backstory of Joe Johnson that I just mentioned, Lorenzen said, quote,

Life Surge was developed years later by a much broader team built around a distinctly Christian mission from the outset and was not an evolution or rebrand of Get Motivated's model, end quote. It was, though, it was. It was a rebrand pretty much exactly just adding Christian to it. Yeah, don't confuse the cross with a plus sign, folks. It's only going to do a lot of subtraction to your accounts. That's what's going to happen. No, I get it.

It's like when we explained to people that I technically own part of our companies, but then we show them that the debit card, Noah and Heath gave me as an expired yogurt hut gift card with two punches. Come on, I've got two. You're on your way. Okay. I'm going to get there. Here's my favorite part.

As soon as yogurt heart on bankruptcies. Here's my favorite part of the story. Mother Jones had a marsh in the audience for one of the big events recently, and we got an account of the investing advice pitch. The pitch started with some guy named Joe, who has a Boston accent. He comes out on stage, and he gets some audience volunteers to come up with him, and he projected a line graph on the screen behind him, showing the price of some stocks. the line went up over time. And that's kind of important because you pretty much can't lose on this graph. You buy anywhere and then sell anywhere. Also important, you don't get to see the graph like that when you're actually investing because that graph is from the future. So none of this makes any

sense. But that's what he's doing. So Joe points to the areas on the graph that he has labeled demand zone. And he's like, yeah, you just buy here in the demand zone. And then he points to the areas that he labeled supply zone. And he's like, yeah, and you sell during these areas here. Then he explained how everyone would have made about $60,000 in profit on their investment of $100,000 if they had done the simulation trading with him. Then he says, what do you think of that?

Isn't that awesome? The crowd goes wild at that point. Obviously. And then Joe closes it out. by offering their three-day investing seminar free of charge for those volunteers. Oh, Joe, I'm so grateful that you offer, but you just told me where to buy and sell with the grass, man. I don't need the seminar.

What's that for, diet tips? Yeah, now everybody knows the secret. That's crazy. So there might be some good news here. It looks like life surge might be starting to crumble following this expose. Lots of their celebrities are cutting ties, including Timothy Tebow, who said he's taking a timeout while he looks into the allegations. Reminder, Tebow is the college football star turned NFL's not star quarterback, turned minor league

baseball player for the Mets who didn't do well also, turned figurehead for anti-choice propaganda. You might remember his anti-abortion Super Bowl ad that was sponsored by Focus on the Family. Well, according to the estimate from Mother Jones, Tim Tebow has already made millions in speaking fees from life surge, but now he's doing the right thing. Well, maybe we'll see. He's tebowing to public pressure. Bottom line, if someone is trying to make money by selling you a class on how to invest, it's weird that they wouldn't just, you know, do it. investing to make money for themselves. And if they have a Boston accent, I feel like that's even worse.

What the fuck did you just say? I'll see there she is. All right. In all the King of Kings horses and all the King of Kingsmen news. Fantastic. This week, I found a story from vt.com. They couldn't even afford the last M in dot com. I realize we're not looking to VT for hard.

news. It's a clickbait site. But they had a story this week entitled, Man Who Met Jesus. Noah's Ark 100% confirmed. It was under this one. It was under that one. Man who met Jesus during 18-day coma claims he gave him this simple instruction to tell the world. Now, where did they get this story? Well, this story links to a video, which is a reaction video by the guy who was in the coma. And that reaction video is his appearance on Saturday in America, hosted by former White House press secretary Kaylee McAnney. Hey, she made it into the headlines twice. That Saturday in America video is basically a rebroadcast segment of a documentary.

And I'm going to do the since we're on camera. I can do the documentary quotes the documentary on CBN, the Christian Broadcasting Network, and also they rebroadcast part of a podcast. Now, I just wanted to describe the provenance of this story and this article to explain the pipeline from the White House to clickbait sites. It functions basically like a human centipede. Yeah, yeah, sure it does. And the centipede like wraps around and eats its own ass like an oraboros of ass eating. Trump's at the front and the back is what I'm saying.

And everyone's in the middle and everyone's eating shit. That's what's happening. Yeah, yeah, mostly the American people, but also everyone. at this point I'm just expecting them to like I don't know arrest someone for murdering Jean Bonet Ramsey next time they got more abscine files right like that's where we are now the man in this video is the reaction video the reaction video that's actually part of the broadcast that was a podcast it's like when you you film a TV and it's just a series of TV series of TV series we're like seven swoosh doodoo is deep yeah we're super deep we're like we're like in the where he's spinning the top. That's where we're at. So the man in this video is author Gabe Poirot.

His harrowing journey started when he was zinging down the street at about 30 miles an hour on an electric skateboard. Oh, no, I'm sad he lived. Now someone asked me if he was wearing a helmet. No, he was not wearing a helmet.

He absolutely was not wearing a helmet. That's a wonderful device that keeps your thoughts in your head. He didn't have one on. he wipes and he smacks his fucking hat on the ground so hard. Here's the quote from the article. Quote, my skull immediately cracked end quote. Sure.

So he went into a coma. It'd be crazy if it cracked way later, you know? Like the ice on a pond. And then it just makes a little bit of it. And then it's like, and then 11 years later at my daughter's wedding, my hand, explode.

What's that rumbling sound? It was like the five finger. death punch. I had five weddings and then on the fifth one my head experience. Oh, is that from like the comic book advertisement where you can learn to you can rip the guys balls off and then also from killer punch? Sure. Nice. So he cracks his skull open. He immediately goes into a coma. The people on CBN and then Fox thought this next bit was newsworthy. Not the part about him being reckless on an electric zoom smasher or as the death certificate would say, micro-mobility. product. That part, the part that was newsworthy, that was the, that he had a prayer Zoom call

with Jesus while he was in a coma for 18 days. Okay. Did Jesus tell him that anyone over the age of 11 who skateboards never gets to see heaven? Because if he didn't, I don't believe it was him. Well, okay, well, I'm not going to be seeing heaven. That part is right of what you said. Correct. He relayed his harrowing tale to another person. Now, this is a podcast. This is where they film the podcast portion they played it. It was a podcast host of a podcast called Heaven Meets Earth. If the Wool Dash or Mizzle doesn't show up somehow, like this is a chart. I got to show up.

I got a chart. I got to stand behind Kaylee McAnamey. So here's a quote from that podcast. Quote, I actually died. They had to resuscitate me. In an instant, I was above my body and I watched my own friend hold my body in his arms. He was praying. And the closer I got to this light, I knew I.

had an appointment to which the podcast host responds, this is so fascinating. Okay, obviously a lie. Skateboarders don't have friends. It's a long board that I have. It's different. Stupid comment you made. But okay, I like the idea that some people, they get to heaven, but they don't have an appointment on the books.

So they have to like sit in a lobby, pretend they're reading a purgatory magazine or something. It's an interesting view. Highlights of heaven. Every time they get up, the receptionist just taps the sign to have a them sit back down and the whole thing. Someone did all the puzzles in this one. Why would they feel entitled to that?

I'm glad they did that. I wouldn't have done. No, you can't change it all Fox News. Okay, I guess I'm watching Fox News for the next century. This went through the wall. You didn't really get out of the maze. Sorry, sorry. Just whenever my opponents, just let me know.

So then they also clip this other confusing piece from that podcast. Quote, and they would say, Worthy is the lamb. Worthy is the lamb. Wow, Jesus is beautiful. When Jesus looked at me, Abby, he picked up my face and he said, Gabriel, why are you so concerned about that which has been paid for? It was crazy.

I was like, oh, no, no, no, I get it. You died for my sins. I'm just saying, you're beautiful. I just said, you are beautiful. Then we had this long, awkward pause. And then, I don't know, I'm back here on Earth alive or whatever. It's a weird time. Jesus told me to follow him on Instagram.

He didn't say message him. I'm going to smash that like and subscribe button too. Yeah, whenever he posts a green circle friend, I just do hard-eye emojis is my reaction. So I think he gets it. So what did that little statement mean? Nothing. Exactly. But he does tell Kaylee McAnanini this horrifying explanation.

He says, heaven is a person. Quote, like the mountains and the trees. As the wind hits the leaves, they blow back and forth. and they have a note to them. They sing, worthy is the lamb. Worthy as the lamb. And the waves and the rivers

of the waters of life will receive that same note. And they will sing back, worthy as the lamb. Oh, they sing back the same thing? The same thing. Even the sand will receive the waves

and sing worthy as the lamb. It feels strange. You look at the flowers and the colors in heaven are beyond description. You just described them. But even as you look at the flowers, you say,

Jesus, you're beautiful because he is all of heaven. Like he is left, right, center, back. There is no escape. Like a soldier free falling into an ocean of liquid love. What? Why a soldier, queen? What? Okay.

Yeah, I mean, like that's a good question, but so many others too. That's insane. It's like a poem about Gitmo all of a sudden. Yeah. You know when you're in the army, right? And then you're drowning in come. And it's great. And it's great.

You're in the army. You're running in the gum. That's heaven. You're getting waterboarded by Christ's love. It's the best. Yeah, man. Can I say the part of that that bothers me the most is that Jesus is left, right, center, and back. And he forgot forward.

Uptown. Jesus is A-B-star. Fuck, I forgot up and down. Yeah, you did. Okay, so. I'm so sorry, Jesus. Worthy is the lamp. So his story to her after that is basically that there's little orphanages full of dead babies in heaven waiting for their parents to die so they can get reunited to like, I guess be forever babies.

And then he said that Jesus shared what sound like marriage vows to him. So here it is. Quote, I met a Jesus that didn't think about loving me. He was loved to me. He is loved to me. And he will forever be loved to me. Like, I was his and he was mine. And so I would tell people that they can find themselves in Christ today if they just give him their yes.

End quote. So, yeah, we had this really nice conversation. But I got to say, the large chorus of fetuses, they were doing like the full score from Annie. It was kind of distracting to our conversation there. Anyway, be Christian and helmets are dumb, right? Right, Kaylee? Yeah. High five.

It's like when someone. It's like when someone marries another person who all the friends know isn't that smart. And then as part of her vows, she reads some of the missing piece, the children's book, and you have to be like, but the religious experience. So on the podcast, he said that when he finally saw Jesus's face, it was, quote, much more Middle Eastern than a lot of depictions of Jesus, end quote. Oh, the Fox feed just went out. Yeah, Kaylee, Kaylee didn't bring that one up on her Fox kill.

That's an important piece she left out. Jesus sent Gaye back with an important role of writing and selling a book called 18 Days in Heaven. Available now where you get your books plugged by the former press secretary on the biggest cable news channel in the country. That's right. Yeah. And finally tonight, in New York. glazing upon his majesty news. Nicely done.

The atheist community isn't wrong about much. Whether bald with a goate is a good look, whether we should hold our national convention in the lamest possible city year after year. But perhaps silliest of all is the growing notion that because atheism

is growing by X percentage in Y number of years, everyone will be an atheist. Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the optimism. I dream of a future where atheist polycules hunt monogos through the streets for sport. But the truth is, as society progresses, religion will become more liberal. The definition of religious becomes more wiggly and the results will be the same, albeit without the

hunting dogs led by the blue-haired perverts. Well, unlike most things, I believe, we've actually got some data to back my opinions up this week as a recent survey shows that Gen Z is the most likely generation to identify as religious precisely because it means whatever the fuck they want it.

Doesn't look like we're going to get there on the universal atheism, I guess. It's kind of like a Gen Zeno's paradox, I guess. Nicely done. So first off, big thanks to Anne, who didn't marry Heath for sending us this story to SkaviemeNews at gmail.com.

Oh, it's a different aunt. I thought you were like revealing something. I was like, what? You did it. Anne, who didn't actually marry Heath? Did you cross your fingers as the official? No, you married me. When you looked away because you were so full of emotion,

she put her hand out, I put my hand in, we're married. Unbelievable. I knew you were going to do something like this. Face. It's a really good prank. That's what you get for calling out the fact that I did that report earlier and thing. Read your marriage license. For sending us atheist news at scathing news at gmail.com,

Hesel will show up to the family event of your choice, as Boston lady. Have tea and honey ready because she is murder on his vocal cords. And possibly your family. Scavenly News at Gmail.com. Yeah, it'll be like that scene from the happening where everyone shoves knitting needles into their ears.

Exactly. It's going to be just like that. So the survey in question comes to us from the Harris poll and it's based on responses from 2,136 U.S. adults. And to hear Christians tell it, the survey is yet more evidence of the so-called Gen Z Revival. rival they've been lying about it. Well, they've been lying about it since

Gen Z was old enough to be surveyed. Gen Z adults were most likely to consider themselves religious, and the least likely described themselves as neither religious nor spiritual. But that's where the support for their Dululu ends. As Libby Rodney,

young, YouTuber, as Libby Rodney, chief strategy officer at the Harris Bowl puts it, quote, they aren't choosing religion instead of everything else. They're stacking it. Church on Sunday, manifestation on Wednesday, tarot on Friday. The old assumption was that each generation picks faith less than the last.

Gen Z picked more of everything, end quote. Okay. I don't like it, but I do get it. Like when the previous generations fuck the entire economy and you're never going to own a house, you're going to try anything. Max out of credit cards, you can make Pascal's wager, whatever. I don't know. It's hard out there.

it really hard. No cap, fam. Hard no cap. Not a single cap. Not a single cap among us at all. You guys ever consider that they're just doing all these religions because they're just trying to hit every free potluck within walking distance because that's possible. Driving would be more expensive than any meal at this point. No, that's fair. Yeah. It's fair. I could take an electric skateboard. I do that. Jesus in person. Am I jensi? I might be jenzy. I think you might be gen Z. You don't like to talk on the phone. I do not. Yeah. You don't like to text. Okay. This is millennial and Gen Zee so far. Permanent renter. I hate the economy. I've never owned a house. You hate the economy. Don't own a house. Okay. A lot of good evidence. You love Zins. You put those Zins in your lips.

What? And the numbers bear this out. Eighty-eight percent of Gen Z adults said they regularly engage in at least one of the following spiritual activities. prayer, script for reading, religious services, meditation or ritual, manifestation, astrology, or tarot or energy work. Yeah, but that's because they mistook them all for gig jobs. Right, yeah, exactly. So there may be more to this than generational stupidity. It could also be a search for community. Gen Z was more likely to belong to more real world in-person communities than they used to,

and they were more likely to want to belong to those communities than any other generations. So the return to church and spiritual practice might just be the desire to, you know, be in a room with actual living, breathing people in it. Yeah. I mean, again, I get it. But here's the thing. You can touch grass and just be atheist at the same. I do that all the time. Touch grass.

Be atheist. Twork McDonald's. Be bisexual. Eat hot chip and lie. It's a great day. You can do all those things. Heath doesn't mention that he can do all that stuff because he has a rich benefactor. One of the dogs that played Air Bud is his.

It's true. Ruth Bailey Ginsbark. That's right. She's the best. Now there is one silver lining to this story that I did want to mention. I'm talking, of course, about the babes. Despite generational curiosity about spirituality, Gen Z's women are more atheists than ever.

Barna Research from 2025 found that nearly 40% of Gen Z women identify as atheist, agnostic, or having no faith. So honestly, if church just because, comes a sausage fest full of crystals and tarot cards, I'm for it. You know, keep them themselves. Either way, we're YouTubers now. That means we need to get on appealing to the youth. So let's put 30 seconds on the clock.

Names for our new Gen Z church go. Hawk Torah. Ooh, six-seventh-day Adventists. Okay. DeLulutheran. That's a good one. That's one hard to say. Sardis, Church of the Unalived.

Fantastic. Capolic. Okay. Elish Catholic, if you want to do Catholic. Or like Westboro Capist. What's good to? Baptist. I don't know.

How about spill the nativity? Shuggyism? I don't know. I feel like I've heard that one. I don't know what Shugi is. It means something. Okay. Genzi Church, never stop paying rent to Costal.

Okay. Skibbidi disciples of Christ. Oh, fantastic. Copus day. Nice. He has Riz in. Fantastic. Nice.

The Rizs Defarians, fantastic. All right. Well, I think that's. going to do it for the headlines we are established as youthful. Cecil, you want to explain us out in any particular way? Fucking Jamargy! Yes. And when we come back, we're going to learn about being chased, as in chased by a

terrible Christian man. Today, we've got a very important question. When you become victimized by you doing something bad and everyone's being super mean about it. Where can you turn for help? Well, we found a video that might have the Christian answer in our latest. God Awful Minis. So Cecil, what are we going to be breaking down today?

We watched another chance. The God Keep, Christian short film. It's a story of some guy spending a ton of money on prostitutes because his wife also loves their daughter. Yeah. Yeah. That's correct. And Eli, how bad was this mini? Well, if you love the couple from your hometown whose relationship consists entirely of him cheating on her and her forgiving him until finally he leaves her for a 19 year old. But you wish their marriage counselor was a 2,000 year old rabbi who didn't know about germs. You will love this movie.

Yeah, man. And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best? at being the worst at. Mine is best worst church lady. She looks like a tight hair bun with eyebrows. It's amazing. And she will not get out of his business. It's like a load-bearing haircut. It feels like it's going to explode.

I was going to go with best worst lying. And it's true. And Heath knows me. I know this liar just keeps on stacking new lies. And they get harder and harder to go with. It's you are. Truly, truly entertaining at times. And I'm going to go with Best Worst Prostitutes.

Oh. So what was very obvious is that this woman, who is the star of this movie, asked her sluttiest friends to play the prostitutes. One performance will be entirely lip-closs-based. I am very excited to share. All right. Let's get into it. So we're going to start. with the Blair Witch camera guy filming a parking lot with extreme difficulty.

He just pants to the corner. There's somebody standing on any pants back. Yeah. Very inebriated. Easily distracted. And we eventually realized there's two people talking in a car. It's a guy who seems to be in love with a sex worker. Yeah. We don't know this yet, but he'll be Hector and she will not get a name. What's so funny about this is that you, can see the writer not trusting the audience to understand that she's a prostitute from the first couple of lines. So it's like, yeah, if I had met you earlier, I wouldn't have to do the things I do. And then two lines later, he's like, you are a prostitution. I am buying sex from you for money. It's crazy because it's like maybe if you weren't forced into sex work, I wouldn't have met you.

That is the craziest pickup line I've ever heard. That only works if you are holding money. at the same time. It's the only way it's going to work. Okay, but pick up lines. Sometimes a sex worker does really like you. Cecil, that can happen. That'll happen sometimes.

It's not impossible. It's crazy. You're crazy. You sound insane. So at one point, she actually says, you're one of my nicest customers. And I was like,

one of fucking rough. Top 20, big guy. Yeah. She's deflecting this guy as best she can. Yeah, she's like, if I did well, though, ring the bell on your way out. Just ring that.

Give it a good day. It's just going to ask you a couple of questions. And then he says, basically I'm Richard Gere and you're Julia Roberts and she's like, fucking what? No idea what that reference was. So it's a movie about a man who buys a lady. I was hoping that she had seen it

and she was just going to be like, dude, we're in a Nissan Versa in a random part. What are you talking? Have you even seen that movie? No. You have to take me to like nice hotels and shit. He like gets in the weeds with the movies

He's like trying to explain. He's like, no. And then George Costanza tries to rape her. It's like a whole thing. Yeah. I can't. It's hard to explain. Yeah.

So that's their interaction, whatever. He ends with, I love you. And then a giant pause where he's just like dying. He's like, dying. He's like, anyway, here's your cash. She gives him a thumbs up and leaves. Yeah. So then we cut to the same scene in his Nissan Versa,

but with a different sex worker. So if I can. heart the curtain for a moment here. Cecil actually watched this movie before the rest of us, and he called this woman lip gloss lady. And I was like, oh, I don't know if that's clear enough. How am I going to know that this scene has begun? But that was before we started the scene with the woman

pouring a bucket of lip gloss over her head, Nickelodeon slime style. It is a long lip gloss moment, for sure. So it was clear where we were. So he's with a different sex worker now and he says, when can I see you again? And she's like, when you call my business number and pay me, what are you talking about? Yeah, ours on my website. He wants to meet up tomorrow, which is Tuesday. And I like this part.

She was like, well, Tuesday and Wednesday I normally have off. It'll be a lot extra for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I was like, oh, nice. Yeah. Important to have work, life balance. Yeah. balance, boundaries, yeah, or charge more. He says, you are the most beautiful

woman I've ever seen to which she responds, yeah, whatever, thanks. And can I say something? That's bad service as a sex worker. Okay. This one felt a little more, I don't know, definitely like a little more Boston lady than the other lady.

Exactly. She pretended she was into it. This lady 100% did not pretend. I don't want someone. You're putting a bad review on TripAdvisor after this? 100%. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she also had search pricing, which sucks.

So you don't, I mean, that's fucking dumb. You got surge pricing and you can't bother to enjoy my compliment. Fake enjoying. I'm going out of my way here. We're presuming you just faked enjoying my penis. But you can't be like, oh, thank you. Really? Is that extra?

He also reaches into Kisser and she pulls away at the same time. Awkward. Very awkward. At the end, he leads it for a kiss goodbye. And he's like, I would let, oh, she's gone. She's gone. She's left the car. She's just screeching down the wall of the inside of his Nissan.

Yeah. Okay. So this movie is truly crazy. It's at this moment and this is born out. What they're going for is that life is emotionally hard for the clients of sex workers. Yes. Like nobody's telling his, it's always herstery. Absolutely.

Absolutely. That's amazing. Yeah, exactly. Talking about the important spiritual ramifications of his life, which is serious. Yeah. I'm putting a bad review on TripAdvisor. Yeah. So then she's gone and he sadly kind of in a snit calls his wife. Her name's Mary.

And the idea is that she's like boring to him and he's having a really hard time because of that. Yeah. She's he's like, hey, how are you doing? She's like, can you grab oranges on the? way all, but he's like, fuck. What, for our child, for the soccer game of our child? God. This is why I fuck prostitutes.

This is why fuck prostitutes. This is like a drag on his atheist cheating with sex workers' lifestyle. Can you imagine how many prostitutes I'm going to have to fuck? Forget picking up a bag of oranges on the way of us. You asking me for oranges? God.

Also, can I say this is a weird spot to park? I know I'm getting off topic here, but like, it's a big parking lot and they're all the way off to, like, you're clearly doing a crime there. If I see that car, I'm like, oh, this is a drug deal or like a sex worker thing or some kind of crime is happening there. Yeah. For sure. Not smart. Anyway.

So you're saying, wait, no, be called out. Open your heart. Okay. You're saying if you were with a sex worker, you would park in the handicapped spot that's like right in front of the CVS. No, that's, see, that's going to draw attention too. I would park medium. You're doing a medium. You have to park medium.

A little too light next to a Subaru. Yes, that exact. That's the Goldilocks zone. Goldilocks zone of sex. Having sex with a prostitute. We're going to have to be a lot. No, turn it off.

You have to be over one line. You have to be over one of the lines with your car. Yes. So it's inconspicuous. It's me parking. Or it's Eli parking. You're inconspicuous or Eli Park. Okay.

So from here we cut to another meetup in his car with Julia, I'm giving her an end. Julia Roberts. from the opening scene. And she's kind of... What was the same one? Okay. She's kind of given him a hard time for not committing to the sex worker relationship.

Like it's been two weeks and he's not like taking it seriously and calling back and texting back, I guess. Yeah. He's really being pulled in a lot of directions. You know, it's like... And we also see a moment where he's jealous of her. She's like, well, you know, I've got a lot of clients. And he's like, yeah, I forgot about that.

And then she explains that he purchased. And I'll think about this until my dying day. He purchased 45 minutes of her time. Thank you. Is that a standard blocking fur? I can't be. 45 minutes. Like, unless you're also selling 15 minutes slots.

Oh, you're not? Yeah, right. You're paying for the hour. Maybe you have 15 minutes to rest between slots. That's smart. Yeah. Right? Like it's like a class schedule.

Like when the bell rings, you have a certain amount of time to get to the next line. I would be afraid to give a realistic description of how much time. I needed with a cross-the-two. It's creating transactions that weren't there. It's like an Uber, you know? It's like there's like demand, but the supply wasn't there. Just doing my micro-blocking. I don't know.

You could push a button and it says quiet ride. I did like, though, that she ends, we find out about the 45 minutes because she ends it like a, like a therapist. She's like, okay, well, 45, 45 is done. Maybe you'll come next week. I don't know. Good luck. You actually help me for five more minutes. Yeah. So I enjoyed that. So Julia Roberts gets out of the car. And this is when we see an older woman. Her name's going to be Amy. And she's watching this happen from across the parking lot. Yeah. She's the church lady who I mentioned earlier. So she's got that really tight bun. And she runs up to him. And he's like, oh, hi, Amy. How's the prostitution around here? Is it good? He can't stop. It's amazing. Yeah. They have one of those moments of like, oh, what are you doing here?

And Amy's like, it's a public street, first of all, but like, Public Street, that's what I'm doing here too. I work in the building. Right. And it turns out, my dick is the normal amount of sticky. That's a crazy thing to announce. Okay, man. Cool.

And this is what we find out they work in the same building. And like, they know each other for years, it seems. They get the same church. Like church or whatever. Amy knows his wife, Mary. And he's like, yeah, I work on the fifth floor. She's like, oh, I work on the third floor of this same. building. Strange also that he's, you know, he's using the parking lot next to his building where he

works as his beach parking lot. I don't know. Again, that's not medium. That's not medium parking. He gets, I was like, oh, hey, Jim, how you doing? Her? Nobody. I don't know. Yeah. Hey, Craig. No, I am going to get you those reports. I'm just, I'm having a stranger's, um, performer all sex on me in my car because my wife asked me to get oranges. And then I'll email you. And then we'll, and then we'll circle back. All right. I know it sounds crazy. You volunteered a lot there. And yeah, so Amy gets just the tiny, tiny amount suspicious here. She's like, hey, I don't know, you're being weird. You announced some crazy stuff. I didn't see you at the church picnic also the other day. It's just to establish that they're Christian. Okay, fine. And he's like, I have to go. And he tries to run away.

She's like, no, no, no, one more question. She columboson kind of. It's pretty fun. And she's like, yeah, I saw it just now. A woman. me, ma'am. Get out of your car. It wasn't your wife or your daughter. What? One more question. No. That. Okay. Let me explain. She was a beggar. Okay. Wait, actually, let me reenact how this actually goes. This is fucking amazing. This is amazing. But it's what actually happens. This is outstanding. She was a beggar. A humble beggar woman that I came across. I let her into my car. You let her into your car. Uh-huh, because she's not. I'm not afraid of her. Sorry.

Yeah, you're pretty brave. Did somebody ask if you were afraid just in? I kicked the shit out of that. What? You said that. You said she was a prostitute. It's how that conversation goes. Almost exactly.

Only slight exaggeration. That's the conversation. It's amazing. And Amy Church lady's like, yeah, okay, you know what? That all checks out. I'll see you on Sunday for church. And that's the end of the scene. No, he has a scene with, it was super random running into you is what he says.

to the lady who literally works in the same building that he goes to church with. Yeah. That's how he ends the conversation. Right. Yeah. So he walks away and he gets a phone call from his wife, Mary, here. The timing was weird. The movie, like, they seem to have forgot what time is and how it works.

Like, this is, this is supposed to be the end of the workday based on the conversation they're going to have right here. But it earlier just now was not that. And all he did was like walk around the corner. Yeah. They have, it's nonlinear time dimension here. And anyway, he learns from Mary's wife that Joy, their daughter, has a soccer game at 5.30. And he does that thing, okay, I'm going to sort of, I'm going to betray the bro code here.

He does that thing that men do where someone tells you a thing is far enough away that you get to jerk off first. You don't want someone to be like, you'll be like, sure, yeah, no, absolutely, what time? And they'll be like six. And you're like, nice. do a little math. You do that jerk math? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That second tower looks like it's going to come down sometimes soon. Jesus Christ. See how it goes. Yeah. I got a tower that's going to go up, though. I'll tell you. So Hector says like, oh, 530. Cool.

I can actually make it to my daughter's soccer game seemingly for the first time ever. Because I'm not, I don't have anything else that I would need to do. I can make it. You should probably be able to make those on occasion, you know, when you're not with the whore. Right. So they cut to the end of the soccer game here. He showed up eventually, I guess a little bit late maybe, but he showed up. And we learned that Joy scored a hat trick at the soccer game.

And then mom is like, she narks on him. She's like, Dad almost missed your game because he went to the gym. She 100% darts. His excuse for being late was, I went to the gym? Right. And Joy, the daughter actually, is. is useful. She's like, wait, that's a crazy lie. Do you work out? I've never seen you work. I've never heard you go to the gym.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Today? Huh? You began your fitness journey today. First time. Cool. Sit-ups. Push-ups. All right. Jackalope. What? Is that an exercise? I fuck a prostitute in my car.

There it is. It's got a hate orange. They're exaggerating a little, but it's pretty much that. She's like, what? I wanted, today was the day to start. Everybody. Yeah.

So she sends Joy to the car, and there's a great moment here. Gentlemen, back me up. Because there's not a lot of good acting here. But you know when you're about to get yelled at because you did a bad thing. And so they send everyone away and then to yell at you.

And you have to be like, what's it? What's on? Because you know. Every, everybody just wanted to do it. away. Let's go ahead. Oh, you just

you just shoot everyone away. Do you hear any good podcasts today? Did you want to talk about something? Fun? Do people get shoot away in your presence a lot? Eli? Is that happened? I'm me.

Yeah, well, she also asks him, is there anything you want to tell me? And that's, that's never a good question to get. No. It's never like, hi, you caught me.

I'm planning a great surprise birthday party for you. No, like something bad has been found out. Yeah. And in this case, it was Amy, the church lady, told Mary that there was this insane interaction. Fucking narc of a church lady. It's stupid. Yeah. And she's like, what are you? And he was like, no, what happened was he's best, worst. I went to get a sandwich and a coffee, but then I spilled the coffee.

Oh, oh my, you spilled, you spilled on your shirt, your shirt doesn't have any coffee stains on it. No, because I went home. You went home in between? Where you are. You snuck past me. Yeah. And changed into the same shirt. You have two of those?

The same exact shirt you wore to work? Cool. Cool. He also gets a sandwich in there. He actually adds more lies than Eli just did as a bit. Yeah. And he claims he went to the gym and got a sandwich, coffee. And then he explains the humble beggar and, you know, giving her some shillings,

teaching her how to fish. Girls begging for money. But it was after we had sex that she was begging for money. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I didn't tip her enough or something. Somehow he gets out of this. By being like, let's get gelato ice cream, whatever you want. Chilotto, everybody.

Yeah. Who wants ice cream? Me. Change the subject. Change the subject. It was that. I do this with my kid all the time when I'm in trouble. Okay.

I do that all the time. Right. I'll be like, ice cream store? Sure. But his wife is a grown-up, so it's a little different. No, I do it as a distraction from when I'm getting yelled that. Okay. She'll be like, she'll be like, you can't just point at someone and go wheelchair.

And I'll be like, like ice cream and Max hears it and he's like all right ice cream. And now we're talking about this now. I see what you're doing. Okay. Yeah. So that all works out. I guess they go get gelato or ice cream. And then we're back in the car with Julie Roberts again and he's talking about her beautiful eyes staring at her. And then he gets a phone call

from Mary and he's like Julia Roberts, don't talk. Don't talk. I've got to take this. Okay. This I think is the best lying of the thing. I laughed really hard here. Yes, I was looking at Cecil's notes, and I was like, oh, those are very funny jokes, Cecil wrote for our humorous podcast program. But no, it's just basically a transcription. It's the description of this woman being like, I am a prostitute and I am leaving the car now. And he goes, got a smoothie.

Okay, this is so good. So he tells Julia Roberts to be quiet. He's on the phone with his wife now. And then out of nowhere, Chilli Roberts is like, my eyes are like what? You were saying my eye, 30 seconds ago or so,

you yelled at me, don't talk. And then, but it was right before that. And now I would like to know what my eyes are like. And so Mary, here's that.

She's like, where are you right now? And he's like, that was the receptionist. I got a smoothie and my smoothie store has receptionist. It's a long way to get it. staring into her eyes.

That's all. And then she asked a question. Duh. Yeah. You interrupted. And then Julia Roberts leaves and slams the car door. And Mary's like, what was that noise? And he says, I think the exact words, somebody dropped something.

Something. Somebody dropped an object. You scared off my smoothie. Outstanding writing. Yeah. I still had 10 minutes left to fuck my smoothie. Right. Yeah. So Julie Roberts has gone. I kind of like it. She was just like, I'm not even going to try to get the money on this. I'm just going to back into the hedges here. Yeah. I know she left without money. We've already established he pays them after. Look, sometimes you get a comp the table. I don't understand all. Sometimes you just cop the table and walk away. I mean, come on. If you're doing the whole thing, you do it. You get the money first. There you go. Nope, mud slides are on me. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Okay. So I guess that amount of line.

or maybe some time passes and some more terrible lying happens. Somehow it's found out. And now we're going to see Hector and Mary meet up at a like a neutral site at a Little League field where neither of them is the home team. And they're going to have a talk about this. Yeah. And he's like, I don't know where to start. And I wrote in my notes. I mean, you probably started with like Aeros.com, right?

Because they got the verification system. So that's safe. Okay. I liked this one moment right at the beginning where he starts to sit. down on this little bench area that they're at. And as he starts to sit, he's like, can we sit? And she doesn't say yes. And he's like, please,

I started sitting. I'm already started. It felt like the actress playing Mary was fucking with him and just makes him deal with that for a minute. But then he, they finally sit down and he's like, I've been a fool, you know, I'm bad at lying. He says, I told you I was going to stop seeing other women. And because

of the way he delivers the line, he's just a bad actor. I thought he was about to explain that prostitutes didn't count as women. It's like the Lord of the Rings or whatever. You're like, it's like a quartercase. You're like, I am no man. Yeah. That wasn't out of the question.

Absolutely. He also delivers a great line too because he's like, it's the only time I felt free. And you're just like, that doesn't come off. Well, that's like you did an up. Don't do up at the end. Like, don't do that. Don't do anything, honestly. So like, your question.

The question was from his wife, to be clear, why do you even like these other women and I was like, no good answers, Hector, no good answers. He's got to shut the fuck up and he's like, it's the only time I felt free. Free? It's not smart. Okay, so have you heard of the male G spot? There's a system

of toys called the N-trainer. You can't buy just one. A better answer than what he said. Yeah. The other thing too is like how does she not know? Like, I'm going to explain this to you guys because I'm in a monogamous relationship. We have a joint checking account. My wife will tell me, hey, what's this steam charge for Warhammer? Did you

buy a new skin for War? Like, that's what, like, she knows all the things. Like, how am I going to get hundreds of dollars? I have a Steam powered Warhammer for my thing. You don't know. How am we going to get, there's no way this works in a monogamous relationship. I'm sorry, it just doesn't. It just there's no. Can I tell you, every time we do the money stuff and Anise's only fan, she goes, nice, really loud into my ear. And I hate it. really loud, like an inch from my ear. God. And, okay, to be clear about what the movie is saying here,

they're actually both siding it for this moment. For real. They're both, 100%. Because he then says something like, you know, I felt free. I wasn't constantly getting asked for something with these other women. And I was like, okay, money though. I mean, like there was like transactions.

And then he goes on this whole thing about how, he wanted to be first for once and she's like, what do you mean? I've always put you first. He's like, no, but you like our kid more than me. And I just wrote in my notes, death penalty. Yeah. Seriously, blames the child for stealing the focus from him.

Yeah. And then we find out he's been cheating for 10 years. But, you know, it's really Joy's fault because, you know, Joy was a shitty two-year-old, I guess. Obviously. Joy's 12 now. I love the line, though, when they, when he explains how long it's been going on.

It basically says, you felt like this since we had a kid 12 years ago? And then he says, no, only for 10. And then she's like, our daughter's only 12. Are you telling me this started after she was born? Yeah, man, that's how time works. That's like literally how all that works. Yeah. I can't believe that was written down.

It's amazing. Yeah. There's this great moment where she goes, how would you feel in my place? And he goes, I don't know. He also, he thought he had a good answer for a second here, too. He's like, whoa, no, no, no, no. I thought of a good thing. I thought of a good thing.

So there were definitely times when I was happy in our relationship. I can't remember what I was thinking about, though. Come back to me. It's on the tip of my top. Hold on. I'm just going to go through my photos and see if I can find one. No, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute. That's my text.

That's my dick. I take a bunch of it. Put that down. Put that down. Yeah. Don't tell me to put my phone down. Okay. Nore divergent.

Abelism. So Mary is like, all right. So you've just been faking happiness for at least 10 years. And he's like, yes. Yep. He apologizes for having affairs with prostitutes the way I apologize when I don't load the dishwasher in the manner that my wife wants me to do. Right? Which is sort of like, yeah, no, I understand that you want me to do it that way.

I understand you wanted me to stop fucking prostitutes. Jesus Christ. I've heard that that upsets you. Good Lord. I am validating the sentence, you said. I've heard it audibly. There's no question about that. God.

Can't get a credit card without me. I didn't tell her in the law change. Yeah, it's been a while, but not a while enough. That was, I think, the 70s, yeah. Don't tell Anna. Okay. If you can't tell Anna. So Hector here,

asks for one more chance. He's like, I told her I own Uber. He says, I can change. Yeah. And she's like, I think you're lying like you have been this whole time. He goes, I know I'm going to change because I've hit rock bottom. And she goes, you said that before. And he's like, I hit rock bottomer.

Okay. I liked this one moment. He's trying to build a little connection here. and he's supposed to, probably in the script, he's supposed to, like, take her hand for a second to try to, like, make contact. And she's supposed to pull away kind of angrily. But he misses her hand.

He totally misses me. What? She still does her pull away from nothingness. It was fun. But now it's time to advise him to Jesus it up, right? This is where she tells him he's got to look up. And I wanted so badly for it to flash cut to a sky prostitute. Right, right?

No, you owe her money, man. This flash and tickle bitties at him. Yeah, I think he said, like, I've been searching for answers in all the wrong places. And then Mary says you're not going to find the answers in the wrong places. What? Who wrote this? Fuck, stupid.

But yeah, there's only one place to go. It's God. Yeah, God can make your penis limp. I will say this is the only, this is the only positive moment with Hector for me. He argues back to the idea of God. He's like, oh, God, pay up, I pray to pray to pray. God, pretty God. We'll call that plan B.

That's pretty good. We're brainstorming here. That's something. Okay. Literally what he says, he says, I need some tools to help me with this. And she's like, you should pray to God and be saved by Jesus. He goes, I'm not making this up. This is the exact quote.

I would like other tools. I don't know. I'm like a DeWalt guy. And he might be a Milwaukee guy. Table that. Yeah. And then we, we see him complain a little bit more. he's like, yeah, you know, God's not like a genie who can help me.

And she's like, no, but God is a genie who can help you. So that will be the plan. Yeah. And then she's going to close this out by hitting him with the story of King David. I'm fucking why. I know. Ridiculous. Honestly, when Jeannie got mentioned, I was like, okay, Robin Williams pops up.

He's blue and he's like, oh, you should be poly. Oh, you're the left. Oh, you're right. Just happy polycule fucking. credits. There we go. Robin Williams the genie. Absolutely, yes. But no, we're going to learn the story of King David

and how he cheated with Bathsheba and Beth Sheba got pregnant. So to cover the lie. And then he murdered. Yeah, right, yeah. So to cover the lie, King David murders Bethsheba's husband. But he felt bad at the end. So Christian and it's cool.

He mumbled something upwards and it was all forgiven. Apparently. there was a sacred chord that David played. Please the Lord. Please the Lord? I feel bad about it. You don't really care about music, do you? Repent, repent?

Nailed it. Yeah. So he's like, oh, actually, you know, that's pretty cool. So I can just be like, repent and it's done. Let's do that. Yeah. So, I mean, makes sense. If you're the fucking worst, Christianity kind of works for you.

So Hector starts praying and asking for the magical clean slate, like King David got for murdering. And he both sides the prayer too. He's like, God, forgive me for cheating on my wife with prostitutes. And please let my wife be just like watch her tone when she's correct. I'm not saying she's wrong. I'm not saying she's wrong. I'm saying that the tone in which she told me about the dishwasher was.

Wait, how do you load it though? Do you put like the same size plates in that larger plate area to keep it? No, all bowls, just bowls, bowls, bowls, bowls, balls, balls, balls, balls. God. I smite you. I smite you. So, yeah, he prays, but he both sides it just like that. And then Mary prays, too. I don't know why, but it's her fault, too, I guess. So she has to pray for being, she was mean about not being forgiving. She probably did something wrong, too. I mean, come on. Let's be honest. She did something wrong.

So she's a woman. God. Come on. Clearly. So they both finish their prayer. And then the movie accidentally shows us that, amazing, awkward moment that would happen in real life at the end of every prayer. I would imagine, where everybody's like, all right, good prayer, magic spell over. So break. Still mad about you fucking problems. We're waiting for the sign of the magic. Nothing.

And there's nothing. It's literally a fucking graduate moment. Like we watch their faces fall in the back of the boss. Yeah. But yeah, he agrees to try to get better one step at a time. Yeah, it's going to stop fucking other people. He's got his one minute chip. So that's cool.

I guess that's the end. Basically, except for I got one screen for like two seconds and it just says Psalm 3418 and then the movie black's out. That was it. And I was like, fuck. Fuck you. You look it up. I'm not looking that up. But fortunately, Cicel actually looked it up or knew it.

I did. I did look it up. It's, uh, it's the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and save those and saves those who are crushed in spirit because I guess those are the easiest marks for donations. Yeah, obviously. Yeah. Perfect time. Vulnerable. God's awesome about that. Yeah. I'm up every time. All right. Well, there you have it. That's how you fix anything from adultery, all the way up to war crimes. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah. So good thing. America has Christianity. at its highest levels, the and solid learning experience. And we'll be back again soon with another important lesson, just like that one. On the next installment, God Awful Minis.

And that's all the blasphemy. We've got for you tonight. We're back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of Our Sister Show, skepticrat, debuting at 7am Eastern on Monday, and even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show citation needed,

debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Big thanks to Cecil something Italian. If you want to hear more Cecil in your life or watch some more Cecil in your life, check out the No Rogan Experience and Cognitive Dissinence. Also, big thanks to Eli Bosnick, and, of course, a big thanks to all the generous new donors who will receive carefully curated compliments of consonants

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