The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 87: Dixie Highway Edition

Episode Date: October 16, 2014

In this week's episode the horrible reality that he's agreed to move to a crappy little town in South Georgia starts to set it on Heath, so much that you can hear his tenuous grip on sanity slipping even before he starts the drive.And we make dick jokes.

Warning! We blow our load a little early in this one, and I swear that's never happened to us before. Today's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new after-school animated series for young Muslims, The Palestiney Tune Adventure Show. From the creator of Gaza's favorite comic strips, Halal and the Family Circus, The Dune Docks, and Infidelbert, comes a new addition to the afternoon TV lineup, The Palestiney Tune Adventure Show. the afternoon TV lineup, the Palestiney Tune Adventure Show, where Shiite, where Sunni,

were all a little loony, and in this cartoony were invading Tel Aviv, and now the scathing atheist. I'm Chris Johnson, author of A Better Life, and we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's the day when God created the light-dark dichotomy. It's October 16th. And wouldn't it be great to be magically whisked off to Podunk, Georgia? Not really. I'm no illusions.

I'm Ethan Wright, from I Can't Believe I'm Moving To Podunk, Georgia. And fuck off, I'm already in Podunk, Georgia. And this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, an area man sues a Georgia Walmart for mislabeling circular bread as bagels. Scalia's minions will almost get the ring from Frodo. And Cash from Atheists On Air

joins us to learn me to read all proper length. But first, the diatribe. Christians are just dying to be persecuted, aren't they? We talked a couple episodes back about a Pew survey that showed the diminishing influence of religion in daily American life along with the massive quantities of butt hurt that Christians are spewing about it, but we didn't talk about the most absurd finding of that study, the one where they asked these

Christians if they thought that they were discriminated against. Now the results here are downright comical. Apparently when you ask white American evangelicals, they'll tell you that they face more discrimination than Jews, atheists, Hispanics, blacks, or Muslims. In fact, the only group that they included on this survey that white evangelicals were willing to admit faced more discrimination than them are gays. And let's face it, that's like asking a student to grade his own assignment. Them are gays.

And let's face it, that's like asking a student to grade his own assignment. Now think about this. We're talking about by far the largest religio-racial demographic in the country, and the majority of them have managed to convince themselves that they're being discriminated against. You know, when's the last time you heard of a person not getting a job because they were a Christian? When's the last time you heard of a person not getting a house because they were evangelical? When's the last time you heard about a cop that shot a white dude for loving Jesus? Hell, these people already have fully flammable crosses in their yard and nobody's setting them on fire.

It's like they're daring us to persecute them and we're still not doing it. And what's more, it's not like these people actually think that there are companies refusing to hire Christians or landlords refusing to rent to them. They know that doesn't happen. They just think that not being allowed to force other people to listen to them pray is equivalent to getting shot to death for holding a BB gun. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say equivalent? I meant worse by 5% with a margin of error of plus or minus a point and a half. Now granted, if we take a global perspective,

there are numerous very real and despicable examples of persecuted Christians, but we're not talking about a global perspective. We're talking about a survey of Americans about Americans. We're talking about a survey showing that more than half of white evangelicals think that they personally face, quote, a lot of discrimination. Now, really, honestly, how could they not? You know, their leaders have been selling them this help, help, I'm being repressed narrative for decades.

Today, the words Christian persecution have all become a euphemism for being forced to treat gays like humans. But even before the marriage equality snowball started rolling, they were pushing this myth of oppression. Last time I was in a church, which was a long fucking time ago, I got a full dose of it from my dad's preacher who was livid after some waitress at the Cracker Barrel had the gall to wish him happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas. He actually called that persecution.

Now, when I pointed out how stupendously absurd this was on the car ride home, my father defended him by sarcastically agreeing with me. He goes, yeah, Christian persecution, no historical record of that. So I learned two things from that response. First, the ability to offer relevant counterpoints is apparently matrilineal. And secondly, they are damn committed to this lie. You know, just look at how hard they scour the earth for tales of Christian persecution. You might have seen this meme last week about some girl who was turned down for a job because she went to Trinity Western University and it's a Christian college. Or go back a few weeks more and you'll remember a story about a girl who got suspended from school for saying god bless you when somebody sneezed in class now both of these stories turned out to be complete horseshit of course but even if they weren't you couldn't even imagine them being deemed newsworthy

if these weren't christians right i if the media reported on it every time a black person got turned down for a job for being black there wouldn't be room in the news for anything else now i saw perhaps the most brilliant example of this the other day, and I say brilliant because at least these assholes are trying to make some money off of this meme. If you follow any Christian news sites or blogs, you might have read about how angry all the atheists are over Carrie Underwood's new overtly Christian song.

If, however, you restrict yourself to atheist news sites and blogs, you'll have heard not one goddamn thing about Carrie Underwood and her new overtly Christian song. Except where atheists have felt the need to refute this bullshit claim. This is some marketing strategy trying desperately to keep Underwood relevant

despite her stubborn refusal to remain in her 20s. She's got a new album or something out and one of the songs is Christian. Big fucking deal, right? Shitty pseudo-musician that fewer and fewer people want to fuck tries to drum up support by kissing more Jesus ass? That's less newsworthy than the black guy not getting the job. right? Shitty pseudo-musician that fewer and fewer people want to fuck tries to drum up support by kissing more Jesus ass? That's not news. That's less newsworthy than the black guy not getting

the job. But apparently, we're furious over it. Not only that, but according to an assload of Christian bloggers, we're trying to ban it. That's right, because you know how non-religious people are always trying to ban shit, right? We're always out there going, What? The chick that wrote Jesus Take the Wheel is writing Christian songs now? Or, no wait, I'm sorry, let's be accurate here. The chick that recorded the song Jesus Take the Wheel that somebody else wrote is now shoehorning her name into a co-writing credit on another Christian song that somebody else wrote? How dare she? And despite the incredible implausibility of this claim,

and the fact that these bloggers offer no links, no quotes, no names, no evidence whatsoever that any atheist anywhere on the earth gives the slightest gnat testicle about Carrie Underwood and her fucking song. Christians the world over are spreading this nonsense through social media, desperately hoping to bolster this bullshit claim of persecution. You've got to ask yourself at a certain point, why? Why are they so obsessed with... You know, look, they're not going to convince anybody else no non-christians are buying this story so why are they so desperate

to convince themselves that they're being persecuted you know i can't help but suspect that it's because the other option is telling the truth you know how hard is it to sell well before you know it there will be a quality you can't fire up a whole hell of a lot of people if you're behind the pulpit saying look guys we're getting away with all kinds of crazy tax breaks and shit. The people we're fucking are starting to notice, so get on that shit. Or, you know what, maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's just that they've seen the charge of persecution

successfully leveled against them so damn often they just want it in on the action. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is migratory Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to head south for the winter, man? Well, normally I'm non-migratory, but I don't know. What do you think if I grip it by the husk?

It's not a question of where you grip. All right, before we get into the minutia of weight ratios, in our lead story tonight, and I say this with a long-standing record of staunch heterosexuality. Sure you do. Salman Rushdie is fabulous. I'd go tri-racial Dutch runner with Rushdie and Julius Thomas any time. Oh, I bet you would. I would indeed.

Now, in case you're not familiar, Salman Rushdie is the author of multi-award winning novel The Satanic Verses, which, in addition to all the professional accolades that got him, earned him a famous fatwa in 1989 from Iran's then Ayatollah Khomeini, calling for the author's death at the hands of any Muslim willing to listen to a supreme leader commandment. Oh, come on now, let's be fair here, though. That was clearly because of America's Middle Eastern policy. Otherwise, we'd have to admit that there's no other religion in the world that has an international mechanism for calling for the death of an author, for writing a fucking religion.

And to do so would clearly be racist. If Facebook's taught me anything this week. Factually bigoted. Exactly. By the way, in case you're not familiar with Julius Thomas, which is the other guy from the Dutch Rudder Triangle. He's the Broncos' tight end who has more touchdowns than the doll at the Sandusky trial so far this year. He's dominating for my league leading fantasy football team.

Back to real stuff. After receiving another major literary award last week, this time the PEN Pinter Prize, Rusty spoke publicly. His remarks made it clear that the 25 years of attempted murder against him, forcing him into hostage-like seclusion at times, that's not even close to the worst thing radical Islam is doing right now in his opinion.

So before I give you his opinion, can you think of any other bad things radical Muslims are doing now? Oh, gee. Do any background research? Acid attacks, bombings, crucifixions, decapitations, evolution denial, fatwas, genocide, honor killings, imprisoning bloggers, Jew-hating, kidnapping, lashings, misogyny, narrow-mindedness, oppression, pig defamation, queer bashing, raping, stoning, theocracy, undermining science, violence, war, xenophobia, Yazidi murder, and zealotry. And, as if that wasn't enough, they're indirectly responsible for me having to look at a lot of pictures of a pissy Ben Affleck with three days worth of cocaine beard. For me having to look at a lot of pictures of a pissy Ben Affleck with three days worth of cocaine beard.

Okay, wow, you came up with those quick. And in perfect alphabetical order, you're getting X for xenophobia. Well done. Thank you. Now, according to Rushdie, even more dangerous and stupid than publicly calling for the lynching of a nerd with a typewriter would be tricking a generation of youth into militant faith in, well, almost anything. Definitely Islam included in that almost anything. Quote, it's not hard to conclude that this hate-filled religious rhetoric, pouring from the mouths of ruthless fanatics into the ears of angry young men,

has become the most dangerous new weapon in the world today. End quote. Spoken like an eloquent murder plot target indeed. He also gave everyone a quick lesson on why it doesn't make sense to call critics of Muslim extremism Islamophobic, especially when most Muslims should be justifiably terrified by groups like ISIS too. And he added that all religions are stupid, you know, just to be fair about his analysis. Right, right, and I think that's the key, right? You don't see Aflac going all Aflac when Aflac is in a movie that points out how ridiculous Catholicism is,

right? In fact, that's my challenge to Affleck. And I'm sorry for hijacking your headline to bitch about Affleck here. But I'm saying put your money where your fucking mouth is. Go act in a movie that treats Islam the way that dogma treated Christianity. I fucking dare you. And if you're going to do it, before they film the Batman-Superman movie, if you don't mind. Then go film Argo in Iran. See how that works out for you.

All right. Ransom paid, hijacking over. You were saying something about all religions being stupid in Iran? Yeah, in Iran, indeed. So just to put this in perspective, even though Khomeini, the guy who issued the fatwa, he died later that same year, the official stance of Iran's government remained pro-vigilante murder for nine more years after that. I guess Affleck might argue that plenty of Iranians were against this at the time,

but there's no fucking way of knowing they were against it because they're living in a Muslim theocracy that will apparently kill people for dissent. So, you know, they weren't going to say it. Moderate masses don't really matter in a theocracy, do they? You're so gross and racist. And in four-fifths would have split the difference news tonight, senile octogenarian and enormous bean-with-a-face Antonin Scalia is out to prove that his views aren't antiquated

by expressing opinions that have always been ridiculous. Speaking before one of the few demographics that hasn't yet realized he's insane, Scalia took to the mic at Colorado Christian University to argue that freedom of religion doesn't count unless you're religious. Wonderful. Taking the Constitution so literally that he might as well pronounce the S's as F's, he explained that the First Amendment explicitly favors religion over the hellbound utterings of the godless.

Yeah, he's literally trying to argue that the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, but not freedom from religion. That's what he said. Even though that would be logically impossible, unless every single belief system in the country agrees on every single issue. So, yeah, logically impossible? The hell you say? Unbelievable. Yeah, as flexible and courteous as people are about the rules in their God books, I don't see this happening. They're not going to line up on pretty much any issues. Not.

So when addressing prayer at public meetings, Justice Potato Head said he thinks that religious people should, quote, fight that tendency of the secularists to impose secularism on all of us through the Constitution, end quote. That's not what imposed. Well, his argument here is that secular people are trying to push secularism when they, like, aren't praying at public meetings. Scalia wasn't praying at a public meeting at the point that he said this.

Does that mean he's actually a godless fucking commie? How does that even make sense? They're like alcoholics. You can't possibly sit through a town meeting without a shot of Jameson and a Jesus-only prayer. Quick little bump. Pray any other time. Or even silently during the meeting. You can even get a Twitter app that will send prayer tweets to God for you while you're stuck doing, you know, real useful things with heathens in public.

There's a million ways around this. Right. And I think that's the underreported element of this. The prayer serves no purpose except to coerce the people of a different faith. The prayer serves no purpose except to coerce the people of a different faith. And I'm saying, like, even if you believe that prayer does shit, you know, choosing to pray out loud once the meeting started instead of before can't possibly make a difference. There is an appropriate time and place to swing your dick around. Public meetings aren't it. And up with hope, down with effective

medicine news. Parents of 11-year-old leukemia patient Michaela Sowell recently performed a clinical trial on their daughter to determine the effects of ignoring real doctors. In the wake of Michaela's tragic malignant relapse, pediatric oncologists have surmised that atheism plus cancer medicine cures

cancer way better than faith plus faith healing. Just for context, everybody, the real medicine treatments for this particular form of leukemia work about 90% of the time. And even if you can't pull off the atheism, it still works exactly as well. And also relevant, I think, is the 0% success rate of just hoping really hard that magic starts existing. Also relevant indeed. hoping really hard that magic starts existing. Also relevant indeed. So under Ontario law, the local Children's Aid Society, or CAS,

is the authority that decides whether the government's going to pursue cases of grossly negligent parenting like this. Read brutally murdering your kid with your own stupidity. Exactly. Now, perhaps at one point it could have been suggested maybe even in a song that we should be, quote, really glad they made the Children's Aid Society, end quote. But I'm not glad. When the local CAS met with the Sowell family, they decided to honor the parents' probably lethal choice to discontinue treatments that almost always work.

Well, I guess some things are just more important than the lives of innocent children. I can't think of any at the moment. That doesn't mean that. Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry. I did think of one. A consistent fantasy quarterback. I would kill any number of innocent children at this point. What the fuck, Eli? Five points against the Eagles?

Hate the fucking Eagles, man. Right. Also, for the record, after hearing this story, I'd like to officially state that I'm no longer really glad they made this particular Children's Aid Society. I still might sing the song, but not a fan of this location. And in license and revelation news tonight, 60-year-old Indiana sinner Ellen Bogan is teaming up with the ACLU to file suit against state trooper Brian Hamilton after he allegedly followed up the typical, do you know how fast you are going type questions with,

do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior during an otherwise routine traffic stop? All right, just checking seatbelts and Jews. Moving along, man. Routine checkpoint. You're good. You're good. Now, according to Bogan, she was pulled over for illegally passing another car, which she denies. And after writing her a warning, the trooper asked her where she went to church,

asked her to acknowledge that she was a sinner, and then gave her some pamphlets and invited her to his fucking church. I go to the church of smile for my smartphone, idiot. So just grab a few of those PBA cards and I'll be on my way. Well, you know, if it was you or me, yeah, absolutely. But we're talking about a 60-year-old woman. You know, she's talking to a clearly batshit crazy man with a gun and a license to kill minorities. So she's scared. She plays along, and that's exactly why this shit is so egregious.

One of the reasons this shit is so egregious. Well, maybe the primary one, but yes, there are others. So when asked about the case, Executive Director of the American Family Association of Indiana, Micah Clark, compared it to Mormon missionaries going door to door, adding, quote, I don't think that a police officer is prohibited from doing that, end quote. Clearly are. Clearly are. Yeah, exactly. It just acts as an unnecessary confirmation that a prerequisite to being an executive director for the American Family Association is not knowing things.

is not knowing things. And in I rarely heart Huckabee's news, failed guitarist and current bassist for the Arkansas rock band Capital Offense, Mike Huckabee, promised to leave the Republican Party, along with his posse of God-fearing Bible believers, if GOP leadership doesn't take a clear Christian stance on the country's most important issues,

which are, of course, ending abortion and gay rights. Of course, yes, yes. The shared space on the country's most important issues, which are, of course, ending abortion and gay rights. Of course, yes, yes. The shared space on the Venn diagram between those two, by the way, is Obamacare. Right. So this is just fantastic, this whole thing, right? I mean, just as the Republican Party realized it was going to keep losing every election if they didn't scramble to get anything but old white Christian people to vote for them.

It seems old white Christian people are planning to stop voting for them. And Huckabee seems willing to make things even easier and have the Christian right voluntarily revert to the powerless radical fringe faction they are in most other civilized nations. Please continue trying to do this, Mike Huckabee. Yes, yes. I'm 100% behind you. My name is Noah Lusions, and I approve this strategy. And then you got some Spain in the news tonight. The nation of Spain preempted international respect last week when they awarded a national law enforcement honor to a statue.

Yeah, okay, but I'm pretty sure Spain preempted any sort of international respect last spring in Brazil. Well done, sir. respect last spring in brazil well done sir now spain's interior ministry and we can't usually get away with that kind of shit dog no so spain's interior ministry awarded the gold medal of police merit to a life-size statue of yahweh's baby's daddy because the statue quote shares police values such as dedication, caring, solidarity, and sacrifice, end quote. Did the statue also have a mustache, two divorces, and an angry softball team to go? Wait, is that a lesbian joke? Anyway, anyway.

Obviously, there are several protests from secularists here, with one group filing a lawsuit on behalf of every cop who's ever done anything remotely meritorious and not gotten a medal. But by far, my favorite protest is an online petition to award next year's gold medal of police merit to Spider-Man, which I'll have linked on the show notes, of course, because if you're going to be giving crime-fighting awards to fictional characters, give it to some that actually fought fucking crime, at least. It's got to be Spider-Man, just on physical prowess alone. Forget keen detection skills, the ability to banter well with supervillains.

He's got all kinds of... Spider-Man, hands down. Absolutely. Now, we have a couple of headlines yet to come, but first we're going to hand things over to the lovely Lucinda Lusions. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape... Then it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Misogynism. Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Massage. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to sports, I'm pretty girly.

I like gymnastics and figure skating. I really like the one where the really buff guys roll around on the floor in their boxers, too. But I do wish they'd do it without all the fighting. And hell, when there's a good game of, you know, sports ball or whatever on, I'll get excited even if I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But let's be fair, that's got nothing to do with mammary glands here. It's just a matter of taste. There are plenty of guys out there that are way less interested in sports than me.

And as we'll learn this week, some of the biggest sports fans in the world are women. Take, for example, the unidentified niqab-clad woman who outraged every swinging dick in Saudi Arabia last week by having the nerve to attend a football game. The Saudi team was taking on the UAE in the semifinals of the Asian Championship League. The woman in question appeared briefly on camera during a cutaway from the action, and Saudi men were livid. Not only did she have the audacity to attend the match, but... No, wait, that's really the only thing she had the audacity to attend the match, but no wait, that's really the only thing she had the audacity to do here. But despite their team's bitch-worthy performance, thousands of Saudi men took to the internets to express their horror at seeing a woman in a stadium instead. Such a heinous

atrocity would never happen in Saudi Arabia, of course, as it's against the fucking law for women to attend sporting events there. But apparently there's a country that the UAE is progressive compared to, because she managed to sneak in there somehow. The Saudi men likely would have threatened to retaliate for this blatant public ovation, but unfortunately for them, some dumbass religious zealots make her walk around disguised as a garbage bag. Oopsie-daisy. Our next female sports fan wasn't so lucky. With apologies in advance for the pronunciation,

British-Iranian inmate Gansha Gavami has gone on a hunger strike after spending more than three months in an Iranian jail for the crime of attending a men's volleyball match. A Change.org petition for her release has garnered more than half a million signatures and is even addressed in the UN in a meeting between U.S. Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif. But despite international pressure, the threat of continued volleyball watching has thus far been deemed too great to warrant Gavami's release. I think it's also worth noting that this prohibition on watching men play sports

isn't some ingrained vestigial remain of some ancient culture or anything, either. According to Amnesty International, the law came into existence in 2012, which means that, yes, somehow Iran's institutional sexism is getting even worse. But of course, while we're talking about Muslim women challenging the status quo

and getting unduly fucked for it, I have to throw some love toward the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in the award's decreasingly prestigious history, Malala Yousafzai. I'm not going to be able to do her story justice in a few sentences here, and I'm hoping that everybody listening already knows it. But since we spend so much time being negative on this show, it is nice to occasionally to have some good news to talk about.

So way to go, Nobel selection committee. We were afraid you were going to fuck up and go with the Pope, but instead you damn near made up for giving one to Arafat and that bony Catholic bitch that tortured all those Africans. Good job. Way to go. That'll do it for this week. Until next time, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in goes the Gozarian. Good morning. News. Following the satanic black mass ceremony at the Oklahoma Civic Center last month, Catholic Archbishop Paul Coakley, yep, the guy who sued the Satanists for possession of stolen wheat thins earlier, yes, that guy, he insisted

on performing an exorcism at the venue the next morning to cleanse the place of all the Voldemort magic that happened. Unfortunately for Coakley, despite a successful exorcism, Satanist church leader Adam Daniels showed up later that afternoon and cast like a dozen more demons. And the new ones are the invisible kind of demons,

so it's probably going to be months before Coakley gets it all cleaned up again. Right. I mean, once you get those ethereal Mephisto imps into your carpets and shit, they're never coming out. I mean, you can get them, but the eggs are still there. They're going to hatch more. So a quick bit here from the comfortably numbskulled file. Ray Comfort unwittingly pointed out yet more evidence of biblical errancy this week when he explained that according to the Bible, Stephen Hawking is a fool. Comfort detailed his proto-thinking like so, quote,

The Bible says he who denies God's existence is a fool, and if we say the guy is intelligent, then we are denying what Scripture said, end quote. Yeah. And now while this may seem to an untrained eye to work against Ray Race Point, in truth, it's all part of his banana analogy. He was hoping to provide evidence for God by demonstrating how perfectly his head fits inside his own anus. And in Bible-vajayson news, a recent airing of Mindy Kaling's sitcom, The Mindy Project, suggested the human body might possess more than one potential penis orifice. Naturally, this led to another Turetsi public outburst by the Catholic League they're famous for those, and it included

an official statement of admonishment. Yeah, they have a big issue with consensual anal sex. Yeah, it's an enormous problem for them. So, the episode in question depicted implied hetero butt sex as well as several scenes discussing said butt sex in a way that we, the audience, might find humorous and amusing, like TV shows try to do. In response, the Catholic League issued their whiny proclamation warning Kaling and her team of, quote, homosexual writers that suggesting ass play on TV could inadvertently kill someone.

Just like binge drinking. Same thing. Those two are the same thing. I don't know that I've ever seen. I mean, I don't look at a lot of coroner's reports, I guess. But I've never seen butt sex listed under cause of death. I've never seen the butt sex section of the obituaries. I'm not looking for it.

It could be there. I hope that it is, actually, I guess. Because you've got to die from something. And they don't seem to recognize there's a heterosexual way to do it, and it's pretty awesome. See, you're joking, but here's what they officially had to say on the butt sex autopsy issue. League president Bill Donahue writes, quote, binge drinking, like anal sex, is potentially lethal, but Hollywood only has an interest in promoting the latter. That's because of the large number of homosexual writers who work there. Wait, I'm sorry, is he saying that writers aren't binge drinkers?

That might be the least credible thing about this whole statement. Forget the Diana butt sex thing. Well, I guess what he's saying is, you know, to settle this, he wants these gay writers to promote binge drinking and butt sex equally on their shows. Of course. And that's why we're here. So 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the TV show about an anal-themed bar.

Go. Wouldn't want to make it easy on me. Game of Porcelain Thrones. At a bar, I guess. Fuck. Only two-thirds of the way there. Drinking game of Upside Down Thrones, where we

always push in your stool. We always pack that bass up. Of course. Cheeks, where everybody knows you're taint. Looks better. And everybody knows you're flame. It's always runny in Philadelphia. Oh, nice.

Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington as the barbacks. The cocktail aides. The guys that help with the making of the... They also work the back door, checking IVs. Of course they do. Personal guys. Wear many hats. Maybe a Western.

How about Once Upon a Time in the South? Tales from the Full Moon Saloon. I was thinking Tyler Perry could use a butt sex bar. TV show. Meet the Brown Eyes. Nice. I was thinking Sada meet the Browns. Or even Browns the meat.

Dark and well done. He's already brown, I guess. Eat at Alice's, where the phalluses meet the chalices. No, the other chalices. There you go. Turn around. Yeah, you got it. Maybe Little House of Ill Repute on the Prairie?

Beers, rears, and pioneers? Home of the Brokeback Fountain. Yeah, of course. Famous. Famous. Ass tap house. How about Parts and Defecation? Comedy Central Parking at the Cavern on the Spleen.

Oh, nice. Well done. Before and after. Yeah, you've got a lot going on in that one. How about Full House of the Rising Moon? Setting Moon, probably. Welcome to the Sterile Environment. Power Bottoms Up is what they would say during the TV show

about the gay bar. I was making it down. It's a little bit difficult. It's tough, yeah. Oh, no, I got a great one. How about Sunday Night Football? There's an ass fucking that made me want to binge drink. I mean, five goddamn fantasy points

and they use a top five fucking quarterback. I don't know about it. Football team from that city doesn't really. All right. Two and a half men, two broke girls, and one cup of honey boo-boos. Oh, Jesus. Maybe we call it mead. At least.

At the very least. A cup of mead. It's awful. I guess we certainly don't want to wear out all the ass sex jokes before we start talking about your trip to Georgia. So I guess we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. I seen a Jumanji once. Get used to it.

You only think it's a joke. And when we come back, Cash from Atheist on Air will join us so that he can get the fuck away from his Christian in-laws for a minute. I'm happy to now present perhaps the most fucked up book in the entire Bible, Ezekiel, in rhyme. Ezekiel is freaky. He'll prove it every time he speaks. We'll just be watering our livestock and tending to our sheep, and he'll appear with piles of hair he whacked off with his rapier. He'll toss them in the air and hit them with a sword, that twisted creep. I shit you not, man, I got witnesses. His craziness is limitless.

On several different instances, he shared this anecdote about God's four-headed winged crew that flies around with great gazoo. And what do these chimeras do? They shove some parchment down his throat. So he goes high up in their flyer, meets God, whose cock's on fire. God says, you'll be my new town crier and warn the Jews of their demise. A third will perish from starvation, a third in wars from foreign nations, the last third to contamination.

But wait, because more than everybody dies. Once I've killed three-thirds of Israel, I'll kill another third as well. When the fifth third gets it worst, I'll sell them into slavery abroad. Ezekiel answers back. He's all emphatic. Not to be undiplomatic, but your ethics and mathematics seem scandalously flawed. But the Lord offered no retraction, so despite his gross misuse of fraction, he heeded Yahweh's call to action, and he said, what should I do first? God said, make a mini Jewish playset and a tiny army, then you place it at your feet and lay there nascent to represent it. Israel is cursed.

For 13 months, lay on your right to represent that coming plight, then lay left another 40 nights to represent the Jews' recovery. And as you lay there 430 days, be sure to lavish me in praise, eating barley cakes with cow shit glaze. And Zeke said, what, no fucking shrubbery? I don't mean to be a prima donna, but what if I say I don't wanna? God says, doesn't matter, because you're gonna be my prophet and my voice. You're Ezekiel, not Ethan Hunt, you oblivious, unmindful cunt.

I'm the god and you're the grunt, so you don't have a choice. I've commandeered your worthless life and plan to load it up with strife, and then I'll kill your loving wife and I won't even let you grieve her. That's bullshit, Ezekiel announced. I thought free will was paramount. God said that shit only counts when you're debating non-believers. Thanks to the extraordinary generosity of our listeners. As of this week, my friend and co-host Heath Enright will be quitting his real job, abandoning

the Big Apple, and heading south to podcast with me full-time. Now, while we are still a bit shy of our Patreon goal, a couple of extremely altruistic one-time donors really moved the needle for us, so we've decided to gamble on the continued magnanimity of our audience, and that is certainly a bet that we have yet to lose. That's

right. I've bagged up my carpet, and I'm heading south, looking to profit from the new economic opportunities involved in the reconstruction of post-Bellum, Georgia. It's going to be exciting. Re-anti-Bellum, judging by the gay marriage rhetoric we're getting at the moment. But anyway, as excited as we are about all this new shit that this move is going to allow us to do, we also recognize that moving from New York City to some afterthought town in South Georgia is going to be a hell of a culture shock.

So to help ease the transition, we have invited an actual Southerner on the show to give Heath a few pointers. He is genuine. He's bona fide. It's Cash of the Money Cash Hoes. Cash, welcome back to the show. Oh, I'm happy to be here. Thanks for inviting me. Excellent.

And, of course, Cash is the host of Atheists On Air. He's a friend of the working man, and he's also a genuine, and I'm sorry, Cash, help me out with the nomenclature. Would you be considered a redneck, a hillbilly, a hick, or a bumpkin? Yes. Country Blumpkin is on my bucket list, but Cash,

I don't know if he's the gender of person. I'm looking for nothing personal. I will personally take it however I can get it. Well, whichever of those you are, you are the official one of those of the scathing atheists, whatever that's worth. So I want to thank you, of course, for joining us. Obviously, Heath's got a pretty hectic schedule this weekend for reasons that I'm sure you understand. It was important to me that we did not do this until it was too late for him to back out. So there's already somebody living in his apartment.

So by now, I'm sure we can actually just jump right in. So, I'm sure, Heath, you've got a ton of questions for Cash, but before we get to it, any just like general advice, any do's and don'ts of Southern living for Heath, Cash? Absolutely. You know, your odds go up considerably just moving to the South that you're going to be invited on Jerry Springer or a similar show. You'll be an unintentional extra on America's Most Wanted or Cops. Something like that's going to happen. It's just inevitable. So just don't come out

of the soundproof booth, dude. They've been... So I just need like a shitty white ripped up t-shirt and a minor crime that I can sit on the curb handcuffed for and smile for the camera, get ready for that kind of thing even if you don't dip act like you do

that camo is not just an accessory no no and just because you can't understand them doesn't mean they aren't words is there like an app for that where I can understand a fucking word that's being said to me so you can like order in a restaurant from experience siri doesn't know what the

fuck i'm saying so don't try to now we already we already did discuss a little bit about uh southern vocabulary any any uh a couple of words that he should know right away when he gets here? Absolutely. A lard is the vegetable of the south. It's the vegetable oil of the south. And you may have never heard of lard, but it is – I mean, bacon grease is doing a pinch, but lard is pig fat. And it's the best stuff to make biscuits with and cook stuff in, fry stuff in, which is the only way to cook here in the south now it also it also wards off muslim vampires oh yes that's right um there's a lot of words like go off half caught which you know you you only have half the facts

or you know you you kind of going on half of nothing. Where exactly is yonder? Yonder. How far away? Well, you know where BFE is. Yes, I live there. It's about seven miles to the north. Oh, okay. That's where my sister lives. There you go.

See? It's easy. It's on Google. Let's see. Busy as a stump-tailed cow on fly time you know if he's got a stump tail it's hard for him to swap flies oh i see it's real busy okay ain't that the berries that's one a common one that's that that just means that is great all right i think i could have figured that one out from the usage but i appreciate it absolutely no idea y'all need to go over there

and mend them fences that's you know settled differences that has nothing to do with fences or mending all right but those are ones that we use biggity is it is another one you'll hear biggity and that's somebody that's real conceited and vain. Okay. They got a big-ity attitude. I thought that was a tea party thing. It kind of is. A coon is a raccoon. Yeah, it's also a main course. Yep, it is a main course. If you find them and they're still warm, they're safe.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. You just got to fry it in some lard. There you go. There you go. You're supposed to whisper that sort of word even now. Well, he was just being a little biggity. So now we were talking about

Kuhn Fry, and I've got to say that's the thing that I miss most about New York now that I'm down south. In New York, you can just get great anything at any time delivered. Not so much down here, but there are some culinary treats here and there. I hear they're doing breakfast, lunch, and dinner now.

Yes. So it's got to be some new stuff going in. And supper. And supper. See, now that's... Oh, this is a new one. Perfect. I was looking for some culinary innovations of the South I might not be aware of yet.

Chitlins, which I don't know if you know what chitlins are. I have no idea what a chitlin would be. A chitlin, and you'll be able to buy them in the grocery store in a tub. They're real cheap, but it's pig intestines.itlin, and you'll be able to buy them in the grocery store in a tub. They're real cheap, but it's pig intestines. Oh, good. I'll be able to do that now from a tub? Really cheap?

Awesome. Four or five bucks, you can get a whole tub of chitlins. I've been spending way more than that for small amounts of chitlins here in New York, and I didn't even know they were chitlins. Okay, this makes sense. Yeah, yeah. No, the Walmart here will have a hell of a deal on them. Oh, they will. Walmart will have them.

And I honestly think, you know, I think, Heath, that you'll fit right in, because I've actually personally witnessed you using bacon as an edible ice cream spoon. I'm not making that shit up. We were in Vegas, and he was actually doing that. So I'm thinking that you and Southern Cuisine are going to get along just fine. All right, excellent, excellent. So if I order a sundae with a side of bacon to use as a spoon, nobody's going to bat an eye. Not at all.

No, in fact, you can't really ask for anything if you're at any place that has good service where you're not going to be offered bacon as a condiment. Wonderful, wonderful. All right, one other follow-up question breakfast related actually what exactly is a grit oh good question oh that is that is a good question we don't know and but they're good and i grew up eating grits i still eat grits grits and eggs are my favorite grits with eggs over easy so that all the you know it sops up the juices i'm right with you i've ordered it at a few places i

just don't know exactly what it is i've seen my cousin vinnie i still don't i don't know exactly i don't know what it is either um but it's delicious and we have you know in the south is one of the only places i've ever been and i've been all over the country that i've ever seen pickled pig's feet at the store you can buy them at most gas stations they'll have pickled pig's feet at the store. You can buy them at most gas stations. They'll have pickled pig's feet. It's hard to imagine how that's escaping the rest of the U.S. there. People just don't know. I mean, they just have no idea how

good that shit is. Hog jaws, that's good. I mean, they don't waste anything. So basically, the southern cuisine is the exact opposite of halal. It's just the inverse halal. It's just the inverse halal. It's mostly everything pig. Yeah, exactly.

And roadkill, which is also a non-halal. Speaking of gas stations, by the way, I'm a Yankee who might get pulled over during a 14-hour drive through mostly Confederate territory. So other than continue being white, do you have any police officer diplomacy tips for me? That's like on my way. Tell him that you stole the car from some Yankees. Why is it in New York plate? I stole it. Yeah.

And yes, I say some dumb Yankee was asking for directions and went opposite of what I wanted. And when he came back, I just jerked him out of his car and showed him how stupid he looked. And I'll take it back to him, though, officer, don't you worry. And add some draw to your words, you're probably going to get off the hook. Yeah, now, too, in my experience, when a cop pulls you over around here, they're looking for the three Bs, bumper stickers, Bibles, and a ball sack hanging off the back of your car. If you've got two of those three, you're generally going to be safe.

All right, so I should definitely get rid of the college bumper sticker from New England that I have. Yes. Switch that out for a Bible-related thing of some sort. Or just, you know, if this Volvo's a rock and don't come a knock. Just basically anything that's not pro-Obama, you should be good. I don't have that Volvo anymore. It finally died. I got a Subaru.

Oh, a Subaru. Yeah, but really, a college sticker, it verges on the point of being inciting violence because you're showing off. You're being showy. And that's not good. And you'll want to steer clear bragging about education and shit. want to steer clear bragging about education and shit now i i did want to mention too while we're on the subject that when you get pulled over by a southern cop if you're white and this only works if you're white they actually feel safer if you have a firearm so i don't know if they make gun racks for subarus but it's worth looking into oh they make gun racks and hell he doesn't even have

to do that if you'll get a long whipping antenna and put a coon yes um he's gonna be good to go that should help and maybe a jesus fish sticker yes yeah that definitely helps no feet by the way just the regular fish here and and while we're on the subject do you have any uh any driving tips for a yankee transplant yeah just steer clear of the Yankees. That's my tip. Yeah, we drive badly. Well, no, I did want to mention, this is very important for anybody coming from New York City specifically. Down here, the lines in the road indicate lanes.

So you're going to want to keep one of those on either side of your car at all times. Those are just general guidelines. You're getting where you're going. It goes fast. It's ridiculous. Yeah, and also honking the horn in New York City is basically a form of communication. Down here, them's fighting words. Fighting words, exactly.

Really? Exactly. What if they don't go the millisecond that the thing turns green? What am I going to do? What you do is you get out of your car and you walk over there and say, pardon me, sir. If you don't mind, that light's been green for a minute. Yeah, that sounds like me. That light ain't going to get any greener.

That sounds a little more like me. Yeah, well, there you go. And something else, if you happen to get on the back roads or whatever, you get detoured off the interstate. Unless you already know common landmarks like old home places, bad wreck sites, or now dead and gone but not forgotten trees, then if you're lost, consider GPS. Drive around. Please shine the shit you want because you're not going to get in directions you don't understand.

No. And anyone who has ever lived down south by the way is cracking up right now when i move when i first moved down here you would ask someone where where shit was you say you know i'm not too familiar with town i just moved here uh how do i get to such and such and they'll say you remember where the drive-in used to be no i don't because you know because as i said i just moved here uh very recently so it's yonder perhaps seven miles northeast of your sister-in-law exactly discussed before and we have we have mosquitoes um bad we call them skeeters you have what skeeters yep and and it's it's mosquitoes

everywhere else in the world but they they're bad they're plentiful i'm gonna be killing a whole lot of these southern mosquitoes with like stds and drugs or whatever they get out of me so they're used to that shit yeah yeah our skeeters are already on meth down here bro they're immune what you but i do want to tell you because a lot of southern you know guys move to the south thinking oh this girl's eat up you know it gets her clothes off finally and and find out she eat up. Looks like she's got the scabies like she does meth twice a day, whether she needs it or not. And it's usually mosquitoes. It's just it's usually they're going to, though, think probably that you went to college if you start using fancy words. Yeah.

All right. Fair enough. And that actually leads me to another question uh so how do i avoid looking too snobby and i don't want to breathe down my nose at anyone a lot of mouth people get your bag changed as soon as you get here yeah i would um the the louder you can make your car sound the better if it means unhooking the catalytic converter unhook that fucker and and just be loud and you won't be recognized you won't stand out yeah so like a lot of like hip-hop blasting out of the back of my subaru that'll go over well no no but but but pollute heavily toby keith yeah that was

coming out yeah toby keith at work see the pizza hut commercial guy or is that one of the other i don't care who it is you know what is nice though about the south you never have to get fill you know fill up your car um nobody in the south fills up their car they don't have that much fucking money at one time and so we just we just put in seven or eight dollars just enough to get us to the dollar general which is kind of like y'all's walmart you know actually they don't have walmart's there either so we'll have to phase you in we'll go to we'll do walmart a little bit and then we'll ease you into dollar general um about the same time we're getting you used to huddle

house um so now of course heath is a a single man moving to a town where having an income automatically puts you in the top two percent of eligible bachelors. So finally, Cash, do you have any advice slash warnings about dating Southern women? A lot. Here's the biggest one, though. If you'll steer clear of names like Diamond, Cadillac, Tiffany,my spelled fucked up any in fact any female name spelled fucked up right anything dash lynn that's probably a problem too yep so any uh any parting words of wisdom before we wrap up cash oh hell damn i didn't know i was gonna need wisdom for this yeah i, I didn't. Fuck, I thought that whole fucking thing I just did was God damn it.

What have we been doing this whole time? Wife beaters are still very common, but the law is cracking down. The shirts are still popular, though. Trends in clothing don't change as much in the South. It's much slower. So for updates, just visit your local Walmart. Let's see. Dollar General stores are to be respected,

because before them it took 30 minutes to get to the goddamn grocery store. And mullets may be making a comeback now elsewhere, but that style never left the fucking town. My pubes are in a mullet, so it's all good. Oh, well, there you go. Well, that's a great mental image to close on. So, of course, you can catch Cash every week on Atheist On Air. You can listen in live on Monday evenings, or you can check out his archives,

which you'll find linked on the show notes for this episode at scathingatheist.com. We highly recommend it, as he is one funny bastard. Cash, thanks again for joining us. Appreciate it, Cash. One funny bastard, Cash. Thanks again for joining us. Appreciate it, Cash. Run, grab the youngins, folks.

It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. Today we're going to open up our Bibles to 1 Samuel and learn the story of the Philistines and the five golden hemorrhoids, which, despite all your instincts to the contrary actually exists now this story comes during a time of turmoil for the ancient Hebrews God had promised them a really nice homeland after the Exodus but the only problem was that there were already people there so the Hebrews went to God and said God there are all these people in our promised land and they won't leave. What should we do? And God said, kill every last one of them, men, women, children, and even their pets and

livestock. And the Hebrews thought that was a great idea, but there was still a problem. But God, they said, there's only a few of us and we've been living off of manna in a desert for 40 years. They have armies and they outnumber us. And we're guessing they're not going to want to be killed. What should we do? And God said, yeah, good point. So God decided to build them a super weapon. It would allow them to defeat any army in the world if they carried it into battle.

They called it the Ark of the Covenant, which you might remember from the first of the three Indiana Jones movies. And yes, boys and girls, three. So the Jews were really happy since they could commit genocide far easier now. So they carried the Ark into battles to try it out. And sure enough, they killed every single person they faced. But one day they forgot to run the software update on the ark and it stopped working just long enough for the philistines to defeat the hebrews in battle and steal the ark from them now god was very angry about this so he decided that he'd show those philistines so he cursed the city where they took it first he broke their favorite statue and then he gave them

all hemorrhoids which by the way are inflamed polyps in and around your asshole that make it really painful to poop the ark was pretty but it just wasn't worth all the rectal bleeding so the philistines decided they needed to get rid of it they gave it to another town but everyone in that town started dying of hemorrhoids too, so they decided the best thing would be to give it back to the Hebrews. But God said it wasn't enough to just give back the ark. He told them that before he would lift the curse, they had to make five golden mice and five golden hemorrhoids and put those in the ark. And the Philistines said, what the fuck is wrong with you you frothing psychopath golden

hemorrhoids why are you so obsessed with anal postules you sick bastard but they made the golden rats and ass volcanoes anyway and put the ark on an ox cart and sent it back to israel and the jews were so excited to have it back that as soon as they saw it, they killed all the oxes in ritual sacrifice and had a barbecue. Then, during all the celebrating, two of the people decided to look inside the box. So God murdered an entire town of almost 50,000 people. And the people that weren't in that town and didn't die of divine butt carbuncles lived happily ever after. The end. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that we mistakenly thought would be easy since the listeners would be doing half the work.

Our first email comes from at Joe Kelly who tweeted to correct me on cleveland usage quote don't know if you followed up on this but the cleveland library with the book challenge was in texas not ohio end quote which is absolutely correct and if i said ohio instead of texas this is my official retraction and correction thanks to the astute heads up from at joe kelly who gets 100 points there you go which transitions nicely into an email from Howard, who wrote to us offering to be our dick. He basically said that he's a pedant, and as we are also pedants, he offered a few corrections, like using none as a plural rather than a singular.

Good call on that. Misusing the term iteration in some previous episodes, etc. And I only bring this up because, A, it's nice to have a volunteer dick, and, B, by all means, any little pedantic correction you notice, you will not offend me by pointing it out. I'm a big fan of being less stupid today than I was yesterday. So when we fuck up usage or pronunciation or pluralization or whatever, I would much rather you let me know than let me go on being stupid. So thank you, Howard, and anyone else who does that. That's our thing.

Exactly. And speaking of pedantic corrections, Donovan sent us an email to point out a mathematical error that Noah's made several times on the show. He notes that Noah often says in the outro that we'll be back in 168 hours with more. Donovan writes, quote, even for people who listen as soon as the podcast is available, it's really only 167 hours until you return as we spent an hour listening to the show, end quote. He then goes on to point out that if we wanted to be really specific, you should say 167 hours and a minute and a half. Right. A lot of shows left.

Good stuff, Donovan. Good stuff. Yeah, except for, okay, first of all, he's not the first to have pointed this out, and I actually did think about that before I started saying it. But the key here is that I have no idea when anyone's going to listen to the show, whether it's when it comes out or seven years from now. So, you know, the statement is correct. We will be back in 168 hours.

I can't speak to where you'll be, but Heath Lucinda and I will regroup 168 hours from the time that we started the episode to start the next one. Okay, but to Donovan's point, that's even less correct, actually, since now instead of just subtracting out the one hour a listener spends listening to it, you should also be subtracting out the several hours we spend recording, according to the last formula. Okay, so that's not what I meant either. I mean that from the moment that those words are published and available to the world, it will be 168 hours until there's more because theoretically a person could get the episode fast forward to the last two minutes, listen to the outro first, and then it would be much closer. My point is, damn it, that I'm right even though I'm wrong on this one. Okay, but the important thing is there's really no way to be right about the 168 figure here as we can't guarantee a new episode coming out precisely 168 hours after every single listener hears that sentence

of the outro. Right. But we can guarantee that one is out precisely 168 hours after the last one. And that's kind of the point that I'm trying to make, is that it's not just going to come out at some point. It's going to come out exactly 100. Anyway. Also enjoyed this tweet from at Skeptomite, who responds to the segment in episode 85

about my reliance on the word fuck by pointing out that I don't say cunt enough. So I'll work on that. But in general, why not rely on a great word like fuck? Fuck's maternal intercoursing versatile. That's plenty of ways to get there. And finally, we also got an email from Rick, who wrote the way he's well on his move, which he knew about because a certain podcaster got all shit-faced on his show

last week and spilled the beans a little early. Anyway, Rick wrote us with the following advice. He told Heath to drive safe and turn up the radio loud to drown out the ominous banjo music in the background. And, of course, that got me thinking about, you know, what the soundtrack for my 14-hour trip into the bowels of the Bible Belt should be, which leads us to this week's top ten. We're looking for top ten songs for the Confederate Road Trip mixtape.

Oh, nice. Go. All right. Number ten, Incestual Healing by Marvin Antigay. Had something to do with why his father shot him. All right. Speaking of limbless family trees, number nine, Sister Jones by Counting Jim Crows. Lee trees.

Number nine, sister Jones by counting Jim grows. Uh, maybe another prick in the Walmart by, uh, missing link Floyd, I guess. Number seven, we didn't start the crossfire by hillbilly.

Maybe we did too. Uh, number six, a girl like Bubba's sister, right? Bubba. Of course, obviously.

Number five, deep Girl Like Bubba's Sister. Bubba, of course. Obviously. Number five, Deep Fried Something. The song is Breakfast at Tiffany's. Section in the Waffle House. In the back on the left is her section. How about number four? Tiffany D, not Tiffany X. Tiffany D, not Tiffany M. Tiffany D.

Number four, First Runner Up by the Civil War Silver Medalists. Number three, The Hills Up by the Civil War Silver Medalists. Number three, The Hills Have Sweet Judy Blue Eyes. We have other shit, too. Number two, Mullet Proof Heart by My Camouflage Romance. And number one,

Rarely Stayin' Alive by the Tuskeegees. Oh, goddammit. I'm terribly sorry once again. I often have to apologize. This is one of those times. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages.

You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we pinch it off and wipe tonight, I promised a big announcement this week, and I'm a man of my word. So no, the fact that Heath is moving down here wasn't the big announcement, because let's face it, if you glanced at our Patreon page, you already knew that was coming. But now that we're edging up against our $850 an episode goal, we figured it was time to set the next goal. And after much discussion, Heath and I have agreed that if and when we reach $1,000 per episode on Patreon, we will reciprocate with another 30 minutes of vulgarity every week. And no, we're not talking about expanding this show. We're talking about starting a whole new other show, same basic format as this one, but we'll draw from a broader range of scientific, political, and skeptical topics.

Of course, it'll be presented with the same staunchly empirical and blasphemous perspective that you've come to expect from us. So yeah, our second weekly show is in the balance, and you can help make it happen by heading over to patreon.com slash scathingatheist and nudging us a bit closer to living wage. That's all the blasphemy we have for you today, but we'll be back in a number of hours and minutes that I don't have sufficient information to calculate with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to follow us on Twitter and like our Facebook page. Also, keep an eye on the blog over the next couple of weeks, and I promise to try to keep everybody up to speed on Heath's transition. Should be fun. Speaking of Heath, I say it every week, but when I came to him with the idea of doing a podcast a couple of years ago,

I couldn't have possibly known what a good decision I was making by taking it to him first. He continues to amaze me with his dedication and the sacrifices that he is willing to make to keep the wheels turning on this thing. I cannot possibly thank him enough. Obviously I need to thank the beautiful and witty Lucinda illusions for being way funnier than she realizes. She is big. Thanks to cash from atheist on air. One of the nicest people I've ever met in or out of the atheist community.

And you have, if you haven't heard his show yet, shame on you. The rants at the beginning of his show often make me jealous. And the rest of his show is pretty damn good too. I also need to thank Chris Johnson for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. That's the author and soon-to-be filmmaker Chris Johnson, not the disappointing washed-up running back from the Jets Chris Johnson. This Chris Johnson has some very cool projects going on.

I'll have links to more information about A Better Life on the show notes for this episode. I highly recommend that you check that out. Hopefully, we can get him on the show to tell you more about it in the near future. But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Matthew, Chris, Graham, David, Brian, Philip, Trevin, Chris, Slardabartfast, other Matthew, Keith, Harley, Morgan, Ben, Sherry, Andrew, Lee, Stephen, Wayne, Eric, and Daniel. Matthew, Chris, Graham, David, and Brian, whose dicks are long enough to demonstrate the Earth's rotation if you can find a place to swing them freely. Philip, Trevin, Chris, Slardabartfast, and other Matthew,

who are so brilliant that aliens have conspiracy theories about them having built their ancient temples, Keith, Harley, Morgan, Ben, and Sherry, who are so sexy they have a dedicated MPAA classification, Andrew, Lee, Stephen, Wayne, and Eric, whose erections can be seen from space up close, and Daniel, whose donation we appreciated so much that we've decided to name the next

Holy Babble segment after him. Together, this blackjack's worth of intellectual sex ninjas has helped to pave the way for even more weekly dickchotes at the expense of society's pubic lice this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the intellect, sexuality, or ninjitsu required to give us money, but if you think you've got what it takes, you can make a per-episode donation

at our Patreon page, which you can find a link for at scathingatheist.com, or you can make a one-time donation at that same website by clicking on the donate button. And if you'd like to help, but you've taken a vow of not giving us money you can also help a ton by leaving us a glowing review on itunes or throwing us some positive social media juju if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skating atheist.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes i did

have my permission We're Shiite, we're Sunni, we're all a little loony And in this cartoony we're invading Tel Aviv