The Scathing Atheist - Scathing Atheist 95: Tautological Edition

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

On this week's episode, we'll be unhappy, insane, and destined for an early grave, we'll anger the gods of the fire mountain, and the Vatican will be shocked ... SHOCKED... to learn that gambling is going on here.

Warning, this program uses language that is inappropriate for children or people who once were children. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by... The world's oldest brand of kosher diapers, Adden IBM Stink Pads. Whether it's coming out of your laptop or lap bottom, the original Sin Continence guys have you covered. Adden IBM Stink Pads. Stay away from that apple, or your crapples stink different. And now, the skating atheist. It's Adam Reeks here from the Herb Mentality Podcast,

and I'm at the Australian Skeptics Convention 2014 with a bunch of people, such as Alan von Lanthan from podcastscience.fm over in Switzerland. And we've just spent three days in a cramped room listening to people explain to us that we did, in fact,

evolve from filthy monkey men. And Swiss Alan. Ah, Gozer the Gozarian, it's a good Thursday evening. It's December 11th. And when someone asks if you're a god, you say yes and take 10% of their income. I'm Noah Lewis. I'm Heath Enright. And from slow-ass trainee, totally insaney, bad ch chow man-y, Podunk, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

In this week's episode, we'll be unhappy, insane, and destined to die prematurely. This album will go pewter. And the Vatican will be shocked, shocked, to find that gambling is going on here. But first, the diatribe. Just what the hell does science have to do? You know, science says, hey, remember all those diseases and malformities that religion tried unsuccessfully to pray away for thousands of years? Looks like we cured a bunch of them.

And people are like, yeah, that's very nice, science, thanks and all, but quiet down for a second. Religion is going to tell us how to get to heaven. So science comes back and they say, hey, remember all that stuff about heaven? Yeah, we built some rockets and we went there and it turns out it's nothing like religion said it would be, but it's really fucking awesome. And the people are like, yes, thanks for all the pretty pictures, but hush up for a second. Now, religion is going to tell us how to please God and win his favor. So science comes back and they say, yeah, we looked into the God thing. Turns out he's not there and you can basically just fuck whoever's willing to fuck you.

And the people are like, yeah, this is going to have to wait. Science, religion has something important to tell us about how you're full of shit and from the devil. See, when I look back on recent American history, I see this cultural love affair with science that's all but dead now. Sure, we still love science fiction, but as often as not, science is the villain of the story. We still love the products of science, but we've fallen out of love with the process. You know, when I look at the fiction from my dad's generation, there seemed to be this unquestioned optimism about scientific advancement. They looked at the current trends and just assumed that this would all keep chugging along without interruption. Now, to be honest, this might well just be a biased narrative that's

been sold to me about American culture. You know, I'm sure there were Luddites and Doom Criers throughout the history of science. You know, you can look at a movie like Metropolis that cast science as the villain way back in the 20s. But it seemed that culturally, we were largely on board with science. And now it's something to be feared, doubted, or questioned. You know, we love the fruits of science, but between the creationists, the climate change deniers, the GMO conspiracy theorists, the anti-vaxxers, the alien abduction nuts, the postmodernist crystal gazers, the zombie phobics, and the quantum woo merchants, science has been smeared, maligned, misconstrued, demonized, and denied to the point where the cultural fringe are the people who believe the testable data are real. A lot of people will say that this all started with the nukes, right? When people first started to see exactly how fucked up science could be, they started to back away from it. They started to fear it.

And while that's a tidy little narrative, it doesn't match up with the timeline. Throughout the Cold War, Americans still thought we were Jetsons bound. We looked into the future and we saw all the questions eventually yielding to the relentless inquiry of science. And what could ever be wrong with that? You know, the real shift here, and the motivation for the anti-science undercurrent that's dogged the pursuit of knowledge since its inception, is the realization that sometimes we don't get the answers we want.

Sometimes no matter how bad we want the orbits to be circular, they're elliptical. No matter how bad we want the sun to be circular, they're elliptical. No matter how bad we want the sun to revolve around us, it doesn't. No matter how bad we want to live on forever after death, we can't. And sure, science has been peeling back God's authority for centuries, but I think our culture thought that there was some sort of equilibrium there. Nobody in 1950s America thought heliocentrism was a blasphemous concept. They tucked their God comfortably into some cultural corner where he was too esoteric to doubt anymore,

and they just used him as an excuse to dress up on Sundays and talk about being nice to each other and keep their gay kids in the closet. God seems safe from the prying eyes of science. Of course, in the moment, nearly every discovery challenged religious beliefs, and one by one these theological crises got assimilated into the concept of God, so it didn't matter that the sun was in the metal. It didn't matter that prayer didn't seem to do anything. And for the most progressive among the believers, it didn't even matter that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. God was steering, of course, and he still loved us, and we still got to live in paradise forever.

But of course, God was never safe. No lie can be sufficiently insulated from unhindered curiosity. So first, they hindered the shit out of the curiosity. But when that didn't work, they just kept packing on more and more insulation, and they're doing it to this day. But every turn of the card goes against them. Every new discovery demands a new apologetic, a new theological software upgrade that resolves some minor discordance with reality. Look, it didn't have to go this way. If God really existed, it wouldn't have. When the scientific revolution started, it was started by highly devout believers.

Throughout the vast majority of it, the people at the helm of every major discovery were religious. Sure, they were less religious. They had weaker gods that didn't need to do as much to explain the world around them, but they were still believers. And yet all these true believers kept discovering facts that conflicted with the notion of a loving God and supported the notion of an impersonal universe governed by fundamental forces. We didn't find hammer trees or babble fish.

You know, we might have said, hey, look, strange how humans don't have any evolutionary ancestors and have fundamentally different DNA than other species. That might have been the result, but it wasn't. We might have said, hey, look, countries are less prone to natural disasters after they convert to Christianity, but that wasn't the fucking case. And any one of the great questions in life could have supported a God-based worldview, but none of them did. Every single one either supports a secular worldview or remains unanswered.

There has never been a supernatural explanation. How many questions have we definitively answered as a species? Billions? Trillions? And yet in every demonstrable case of a valid explanation, the card came up secular. So how many more of them do we have to turn over before we can just admit that there aren't any gods in the deck? They're talking about you, Jesus. Interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the only person to make the playoffs

both years in the Fantasy Football League of Sinister Secularists, who isn't me, Heath Benright. Heath, are you ready for a semi-final rematch, bro? Playoffs, is it? Playoffs? Seriously, though, that's great, though.

You managed to sneak into that last playoff. It's impressive. I kind of lost track of the whole thing being in first or second place since week one. Of course you did. I haven't even looked at my line. How did I finish up? Let me pull up the league page here. Oh, by all means.

Just take a second. Hold on. It's loading. I'll be able to find out. 11-3. 11-3. First place overall. Okay.

You didn't know that. No, seriously. You had a great run to close the season and everything. I mean, you haven't lost a game since the last time you played me, and that's been a long time. That's right. That Week 12 matchup was crucial for you. So, yeah, I guess we're battling this week in the playoffs.

That's awesome. We are, dude. Which means, by the way, we've already guaranteed a scathing atheist in yet another Sinister Secular Fantasy Championship game. Yes, sir. by the way, we've already guaranteed a scathing atheist in yet another sinister secular fantasy championship game. Yes, sir. Such a game has not been played in the history of the league without scathing atheist representation. Absolutely. Pretty stoked about that. Anyway, in our lead story tonight, DeMarco DeBeast, a scrappy young fantasy football team, saddled with the 12th overall pick in the draft and weakened by injury, and Pierre Garçon,

Michael Floyd, and Bishop Sankey sucking the testicles of mules with herpes, battled back from 11th place with three straight must-win victories to end the season, earning himself a much-deserved playoff berth. You about finished? No, not even close. Despite unprecedented levels of shit-talk from the likes of Thomas from Thomas and the Bible and Atheistically Speaking,

as well as Carl from Post-Arapture Looting, neither of whom made the playoffs themselves, DeMarco DeBeast and its proud owner and manager, Noah Lusions, earned international fantasy football renown for taking a 2-14 that sat at 11th place in a 12-team league to a surprising, nay, legendary stretch of six wins in the final eight games and stands poised to probably lose in the first round, but at this point, who gives a shit?

I made it, baby. I appreciate that. Now can we get to the real story? Not quite. Not quite. Not quite. In other news, Cecil also didn't make the playoffs. Okay, now I'm done.

We can go on. In our real lead story tonight from the HIV for Vendetta file, Pastor Steve Anderson of Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe, Arizona, found the cure for AIDS. Really? And it was right there in the Bible the whole time. Yeah. No kidding. His now virally maligned sermon, entitled AIDS, the Judgment of God, went something

like this. So you guys remember the part in the Bible that said don't kill people? Yeah. Well, if you ignore that passage entirely and focus instead on the part that says kill all the gay people, it's right there in Leviticus. Shit's cured. And since we obviously haven't been doing that in this country enough, here we are with all the AIDS. And not entirely unrelated, all these extant gay people.

Well, now, in his defense, though, if killing gay people didn't cure AIDS, we'd be seeing AIDS in Africa by now. So the data do back him up on this. Now, when you make murderous suggestions like this, people start asking questions. Pastor Anderson knows this. He publicly prayed for Obama's

assassination in 2009. And in 2014. It worked so well the first time. Stern warnings from the Secret Service. This was not his first rodeo. So this time around, knowing the immediate question on everybody's mind following a genocidal plot suggestion would be,

okay, that's a great idea, but what's a realistic timetable for extermination of all the gay people? Knowing that was coming, the sermon included Anderson's estimate of a realistic timetable for exterminating all the gay people. Well, it's got to be before Christmas, right?

Two weeks. I say we kill him in two weeks. He's ambitious. Hey! Bottom line, put me in charge. We're 97% AIDS free by Christmas Eve. I can make that happen. All I'm saying is if I was gay, I'd really be hoping that Steve Anderson had been naughty this year.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, this murder plot sounds good on its face, but what does the data tell us? You may be. Well, have no fear. Have no fear. Pastor Anderson didn't just throw out a genocide suggestion without examining the relevant data. Here's a quick summary of his science. Hold on. Hold on.

Let me get my lab coat here. I got my beaker right here. My pocket protector. And here we go with the science. Hold on, hold on. Let me get my lab coat here. I got my beaker right here. Pocket protector. And here we go with the science. So about 0.8% of adults are male sodomites, right? Okay. And about 0.6% of adults are HIV positive. So real simple, murder all the gays.

And you're pretty much guaranteed to kill all the AIDS and then some, right? It's just a matter of the math. You just killed like 13 to kill all the AIDS and then some, right? It's just a matter of the math. You just killed like 133% of the AIDS. Numbers don't lie. Sorry to tell you, Bono, but after a few more years of not mass murdering gay people, you're going to realize that genocide costs a lot less than 40 cents a day. Better deal.

Oh, man, this fucker. I saw a story about Planting Peace, I guess, is doing a fundraiser based on this to support AIDS patients where they're going to send Anderson a lump of coal for every donation that somebody made for Christmas. And I like that story a lot, but I also liked another somewhat related story about Scott Lively being tried for crimes against humanity for making identical suggestions. So maybe this story will have a happy ending after all. So maybe this story will have a happy ending after all. And in class action dismiss news tonight, U.S. District Judge Daniel Crabtree dismissed a lawsuit filed against the Kansas State Board of Education last week. The suit, which was brought by a group called Citizens for Objective Public Education, or COPE,

alleged that the new science standards adopted by the school board promoted religion in violation of the First Amendment. And as much as this sounds like the lead-in into a story about a school board teaching creationism in this case the school board was being sued for not teaching creationism so it's a little tricky because they hijacked the word objective yes the so-called citizens for objective public education is a creationist group and they're suing the district for promoting the religion of atheism by disseminating facts. They mean objective as in nothing you could say will ever change my mouth. Exactly, exactly.

The royal objective, the editorial. Anyway, and yet another bizarre sodomization of logic from the people who brought you they're oppressing our rights to oppress rights and treating people equally is unfair to the people who are already getting special treatment. This group claimed that teaching evolution was a backdoor way of promoting atheism. Wait, really? Backdoor promotion of atheism?

Yes. The backdoor way of religious promotion for kids is a lot less desirable. We've seen this. Big problem. That's a butt-raping children joke. That's not. And it won't be the last. According to the suit, teaching children about their filthy monkey heritage will, quote,

have the effect of causing Kansas public schools to establish and endorse a non-theistic religious worldview, end quote. Luckily, the judge recognized that all of human observation supports a non-theistic religious worldview, and thus dismissed the suit. They have to cope with this decision and move on. Maybe tempt some useful lives, do something. No, no, no.

Following this dismissal, representatives from COPE explained that their next strategy would be a freedom of speech angle, protecting the rights of religious children to say, la la la, I can't hear you, throughout all public school classes that deal with reality. And from the Starnes and Snipes file tonight, Todd Starnes of Fox News published an article last week entitled, Why Did Disney Block God? in which he accused the entertainment giant of persecuting Christians. Apparently, somebody emailed Starnes and told him Disney wasn't allowing posts with the word God on their website,

which was sort of happening, but the only way to guarantee nobody sneaks in deity slanders like God should get fired was to avoid all posts with the word God entirely. Obviously, Disney would have provided this information to anybody that inquired. Unfortunately, the minds over at

the Fox journalism department weren't so inquiring. They have minds over there now? I almost feel sorry for this guy, Todd Starr. He wants so bad to find a tale of Christian persecution in America, but, you know, there aren't any. So he has to just jump desperately when some kid's post gets butt-buttonated on a forum. He immediately jumps to Jesus-loathing conspiracy from the Sodomites. Give me a fucking break. Jesus-loathing conspiracy from the Sodomites?

Give me a fucking break. Maybe instead of immediately writing an ignorant article trashing the Disney Corporation for being godless heathens right away, maybe you just check, and I'm pretty sure their PR department would have happily explained, no, you fucking moron, Disney doesn't hate Jesus, although we had to filter out the word God entirely just to make sure people didn't write bad stuff about God, at which point crazy idiots like Todd Starnes, that's you, would freak out even worse than

now about us having blasphemy on our website. So basically, we use this ridiculously aggressive filter for you, and we think maybe a modicum of gratitude is in order. Right. For fuck's sake, Todd. They also filter out Allah, abortion, sodomy, and fags. So clearly they also hate all the same stuff that you hate. And by the way, your article, Why Did Disney Block God?

How about a follow-up article entitled, Why Is an Omnipotent Deity Unable to Circumvent the Whims of an Anthropomorphic Mouse? How's that for an article topic for you while you're talking about this shit? And in Catholic lick my balls news tonight, president of the Catholic League and result of a laboratory accident involving Karl Rove's sperm and radioactive methamphetamines, Bill Donahue

took the interwebs last week to explain that atheists are sad, insane, and condemned to an early grave. This came in response to American Atheists' latest Billboard campaign, as well as a lifetime of chewing the heads off of squirrels to satiate the voices. Well, obviously, if they're complaining about that,

they definitely haven't seen Manhattan Mini Storage in their billboard campaign. Oh, they have the best billboards. Did you see the most recent one going around? Your closet space is shrinking as fast as her right to choose. Right, and it's got the image of the coat hanger on it. Yes, oh, God. Because it's about the closet space. I'm sure Donahue loved that one. Right, and it's got the image of the coat hanger on it. Yes, oh God. Because it's about the closet.

I'm sure Donahue loved that one. Anyway, what radioactive meth sperm, Donahue, do you have to say about all this? The tirade in question was on Newsmax TV, where Donahue said that atheists, quote, don't want to be told anything, which is why they die prematurely, they're unhappy, and we have a disproportionate number of agnostics and atheists in the asylum, end quote. Okay. And because this was such a palpable load of agnostics and atheists in the asylum, end quote. And because this was such a palpable load of bullshit, he then added, quote, all of that is true, end quote.

Oh, good. He wasn't lying. No, he said so. Now, let's take a look at Donahue's claims here. He's saying that our aversion to being told what to do leads to premature death, depression, and insanity. Okay, I'm crossing insanity off the list right away since extreme religiosity is a correlative predictor of insanity. As for the happiness claim, I'll simply refer him to George Bernard Shaw's observation that drunken men are also happier than sober ones much of the time.

So, there's that. What we need to do is be more ignorant so we can get more of that bliss. Yes, exactly. that is his argument but as for his last point about dying prematurely i i want to address that because yes people who don't attend church tend to die a bit younger than people who do regardless of theistic belief that being said what donahue deemed militant atheists right the type of people who attend conventions fund billboard campaigns drink the blood of newborn Christians. We actually don't

die younger. The correlation isn't between, well, that's part of it, but the correlation here isn't between religion and non-religion. It's between having a community and not having a community. In other words, attending a weekly geriatric circle jerk is going to net you the same benefits as attending a church, except you get

jerked off. In a good way. in a good way. Okay, fair enough. And in God hates gags news tonight, the Westboro Baptist Church was recently flooded with calls from people asking for advice on their diseased meat. These calls came in response to a hoax article from the hoax article website, The National Report, which warned consumers of Thanksgiving turkeys that might carry a strain of avian flu and offered a number to call if you feared you might be dealing with a contaminated turkey. report which warned consumers of thanksgiving turkeys that might carry a strain of avian flu

and offered a number to call if you feared you might be dealing with a contaminated turkey of course the the turkey safety hotline number they offered 785-273-0325 turned out not to be a cdc hotline at all but was in fact the phone number for the Westboro Baptist Church. So again, the phone number 785-273-0325 is not the phone number for the CDC's turkey safety hotline. So if you want advice on befouled turkeys or tainted meat in general, you should not call 785-273-0325. You know, but if you're experiencing minor aches and pains or, you know, delayed aches and pains that don't hurt yet, you think they're unrelated to cranberry sauce.

We will provide a link on the show notes for the number to call for that. Keeping in mind, though, that the number will definitely not be 785-273-0325. Again, that's not 785-273-0325. Not 785-273-0325. Again, that's not 785-273-0325. Not 785-273-0325. So while you're not calling 785-273-0325 to ask about your cranberry-related anal pustules, we'll hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. I gave her the anal pustule lead-in. She loves those.

Best type of segue. A man wrote the Bible. A horse was smart. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny.

Well, the listeners have been asking for it long enough, so I suppose it's time for me to do a little girl-on-girl. Because as I've learned over and over again doing this segment you don't need a penis to be a misogynist take for example popular vlogger Romina Garcia who recently posted a video explaining that physical abuse is a sure sign that your boyfriend loves you I'd offer a quote of her summing up her thesis but she uses the word like so much it sounds like she's reading her Facebook feed verbatim so I'll do you the favor of paraphrasing in her opinion a man who hits you must really love you because he's giving you the

power to send him to jail. So, using her logic, you can always tell how much a murderer loves their victim by looking at the level of effort they put into the destruction of evidence. The guys with no alibi must just be smitten. Of course, she's not the only woman fervently agreeing with a man who would punch her if she didn't. Janae Rice, wife and victim of former NFL running back Ray Rice, explained last week that God must have really wanted her to get knocked unconscious by a 220 pound professional athlete or he'd never have let it happen. In an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show, she said, quote, I feel like God chose me and Ray for a reason, and it was definitely to bring awareness to what people are going through every day, end

quote. And I guess, in a sense, I have to agree with that. After all, if God didn't allow men to abuse women, we'd have no awareness of men abusing women at all. Of course, the real problem with abuse awareness isn't the abuse so much as the awareness. That's according to Janet Bloomfield, who writes as Judgy Bitch for the website A Voice for Men. In an article about the flood of rape allegations against Bill Cosby, who you'll remember from Ghost Dad and Leonard Part 6, Bloomfield explained that this whole problem would go away if those damn victims would just stop talking about it. She explains that Bill

Cosby is absurdly rich and has thus earned the right to drug and rape women, seeing as how all women are just after his money. And people who want money deserve to be drugged and raped. She ends it with a long tirade about how women in general should just shut the fuck up. And as much as that sentiment pisses me off, I'd love it if she led by example. That's all the misogyny I've got for you this week, and as much fun as the girl-on-girl bit was, I'm sure next week we'll be getting back to the pricks. Until next time, I'll hand it back to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Garner choking fails to take heat off Brown shooting news. According to the thoughtful analysis of Matt Staver and Matt Barber on the Faith and Freedom radio broadcast last week, all the unrest and racial tension related to Ferguson-type situations, that's the first-ever black president's fault.

Of course it is. Yeah, obviously. And also church and state separation. That's the other thing that's causing the problem. If it weren't for Obama and the First Amendment, nobody would be upset about any of this. In fact, according to Staver, head of Liberty Council, there would have been riots even if Darren Wilson had been indicted,

and that's because everyone isn't required to be Christian in this country. These guys are so fucking lazy. I guess when your argument is, my invisible friend can do anything, there's nothing that you can't tie to people pissing off your invisible friend. But they're not even trying here. His argument was actually, riots in Ferguson are bad. Punishment from God is bad. Therefore, riots in Ferguson are punishment from God. He didn't even bother with a hook or anything. Now, obviously, this is a very divisive

issue. I'd like to note that my personal opinion on the Darren Wilson non-indictment is being withheld here. That being said, I'd like to take this opportunity as a white person who's an expert on black people to speak for all the black people because they love that. They do. I think their general sentiment is fairly easy to understand, and it goes something like this. Who cares if Ferguson is a valid last straw? It's bullshit that we're metaphorical camels, and racists are slowly loading straws on our back. What the fuck?

Well said. Maybe Darren Wilson isn't one of those racists, whatever. Regardless, where the fuck are you even getting all these straws? Carry them your fucking self. Yes. Yes. Camel, lion, child fucking self! Yes, yes. Camel, lion, child.

Read your nature, folks. And in Jesus Belongs to a Certain Secret Society news tonight, the state of Michigan recently passed a bill that makes sure planning doesn't happen for the wrong reasons. New legislation has legalized bigotry and all bigotry-related activities. But, to be fair, only if you're quite certain the marginalized deserve it. Like, cosmically. Right, yes, exactly. Thanks to House Bill 5958, if big government anti-freedom bullshit like the Emancipation Proclamation

conflicts with your religious beliefs, you're still allowed to treat black people like slaves to the extent that it doesn't infringe upon their rights and those rights for the record in michigan do not include say being served at a public business no no apparently don't and you can hate the gays the same way too or or anybody really group you can name yeah yeah but they now they did build in some restrictions here so like you can't hate people legally based on any old religious belief. It has to be a sincerely held one. So if you have a sincerely held secular belief or a flippantly held religious one, you have to treat everyone like a human. But when you're dealing with these sincerely held religious beliefs, that's...

Right. We've seen this issue pop up in a bunch of stories we've covered before, including, if you remember, the Colorado bakery that refused to make a cake for a gay wedding. Now, same issue here. Should you be allowed to refuse to make a wedding cake with, like, two dudes fucking drawn in the icing? Yes, fine. You can refuse to make it. But should you be allowed to refuse to sell them, like, a cake off the shelf just because you know they're gay and you know they're going to go draw dicks on it as soon as they leave? No.

You have to deal with that. You have to sell them the blank cake and they can draw the dicks on it. And what amazes me is how many people ponder this like this is a legitimate issue. Like normally rational people, without ever bothering to just substitute gay with black or Jew or whatever. I hear people saying, well, should a photographer have to take pictures at a gay wedding even if they really, really don't like gays? Of course they should! Can they legally say, well,

no, you know, you guys murdered my savior, so I don't want to take your pictures. No! Or, no, I can't do your wedding, you're marrying a darkie. No, they can't, and that's, of course, they shouldn't be able to. What's the fucking difference between that and the gay thing? There's a clear distinction

between choosing a hateful God club and being born black. That's slightly different. Yet Michigan seems to be having trouble understanding the rule they just made. As it now stands, if you're a bartender in Michigan and you refuse to serve black people because your God book says that

when black people drink after midnight, they turn into homo demons, that's fine. Michigan wants you to keep up the good work preventing the homo demons. You guys are batting a thousand on that so far. That doesn't really happen. But if your reasoning for bigotry is based on statistical profiling of tip size, that's still against the law. Now, as much as my remarks often make it sound otherwise, I think it's fairly important that both reasons for racial discrimination be illegal.

All the reasons. Even the, quote, good Christian ones. Right. I mean, there are plenty of actions where your motivations just don't make – you don't rape somebody in self-defense. I mean, not with an exit strategy. Oh, God. So I'm reading this story, and it sounds like it's some kind of like reverse Citizens United type shenanigans. Like, if they won't let corporations practice segregation, what if every single person in the corporation, just by chance, happens to be a segregationist independent contract?

Then can we have legalized hate groups? How can we make this happen? There has to be legalized hate groups? How can we make this happen? There has to be legalized hate groups somehow in this country legally. We're having this. What do we got to do? Do we have to let the Jews and Muslims do it too? Fine. Let them try without their real

God. I don't give a shit. We're doing this. With their fake God, it'll never work. And in Yes, But Did You Call Dibs News tonight, the Vatican recently found a previously unknown stash of money that will greatly improve their finances. And when I say found, I mean admitted to publicly. And when I say previously unknown, I mean hidden from the prying eyes of those in line for legally ordered recompense. And when I say stash, I mean Scrooge McDuck-like vault of sequestered gold coins.

And when I say money, I mean a significant percentage of a billion dollars. And when I say greatly improve, I mean bring in line with the standards required to not be considered a money laundering cabal by international banking. And when I say their finances, I mean their ill-begotten gains awash in the Santorum of the innocent. But when I said the, recently, of, that, and will, I actually meant what I was saying. Not too many good excuses for this one. It's hard to claim this was like hidden centuries old stash when it's in

euros in accounts. Exactly. It's a pile of cash here. Yeah, we pulled a candlestick, a bookcase spun around in the Vatican revealing an ancient secret cave from 1999 full of doubloons and a bank account number with 400 million euros in it.

Yeah. Switzerland. And finally tonight from the we didn't become the 164th best country in the world by not persecuting gays file. Ugandan Parliament Speaker Rebecca Kodaga, exasperated with a country that won't support execution or life in prison for all the homosexuals, did her best to explain what exactly is at stake if gay activism in this world continues. In response to accusations that she's a wildly ignorant crazy person,

Kodaga had this to say about a very elaborate African youth homosexual training camp conspiracy plot. Oh, this will be good. This is very good. Quote, we have discovered, we have discovered that they adopt, that they adopt our children. Some people discover that some other people

adopt these Ugandan children. I guess gay people are doing this. One more time. We have discovered that they adopt our children and confine them in gay communities abroad to train them on gay practices. By the time they come back home, they are already influenced by homosexuality and are used to influence others in the community, end quote. Fucking what?

And this was followed, by the way, by a warning that Western computers come preloaded with gay software, so be sure to keep your kids away from that homosexual devil box. This is a thing she actually said, along with the gay conspiracy kidnapping thing. Anyway, the story does have an upshot. We finally know why all these Ugandan orphans have been flying off the shelves this year. It's the gays! Of course! And they're planning to slowly adopt all the Ugandan babies,

learn them to be gay, and then export them back to Africa as highly trained gay operatives. Did you know about this thing? This is the first I'm hearing about it. I had no idea they were doing this. It's a great plan, though. It's a good idea, I guess. The endgame isn't exactly

clear, I guess. Not really. But regardless, we're putting 30 seconds on the clock. I don't care. I figured we might. Ideas for the gay i don't care but i figured we might ideas for the gay conspiracy slavery adoption service that they're clearly doing go all right so first you're going to need some kids maybe you can lure them in with a traveling road show called auntie and uncle bellum's indentured adventures all right what about uh what about something called phallus in chainsains, Coming Out of Africa? Yeah, which inspired the masterwork

12 Years Old a Slave, A Tale of My Tail by Swallowman Northup. Swallow men. About Dark Hoarders Without Borders, Male Hoarder Bridegrooms. Oh, wow. All right, maybe something a little more modern. How about Aphrodite Orphan Plow Arrangers?

Zords, wards, and plenty of pork swords. What about Surfing U.S. Gay? Surfing the Skinformation Pooper Highway with the Hull Breach Boys. Nice. Maybe eight-minute abductions? When you want to dig blacks with six-packs, we'll get you in and out. In and out. The African Queen Gay Cruise.

Maiden Voyage of the Cleveland Steamer. Nice. Maybe Slavery Harmony, the Snatch Taker Matchmakers. A little website for them. Queer Sun Imports. Discrete purveyors of black market Oliver Trist. So nice. Putting the fag back in Fagin. How about Gland Parenthood?

Why abort them when we can export them? It would have a slogan. What about Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper to Bumper Trafficking? Veins, Trains, and Grottomobiles. Wow. It's an attractive small cave. Is it? Grottomobiles.

Well, since we've got to get them to the coast anyway, how about Zanzibarticus Exports? Spartacus was a slave in Zanzibar's coast. About Naughty by Nurture. Teaching the wrongs and rights of diddle passage. Nice. I figure Don Imus is probably still looking for work, so how about Kid Nappy Headed Hoes? I was trying to get the Nappy Headed Hoes. I couldn't make up my mind.

I'm not surprised that you were. Don Imus, and there you've gone and done it. Well done, sir. How about a little slogan for him? Welcome aboard the Little Orph orphan Fanny Mayflower, navigating the Atlantic with butt sextants. Oh, nice. Chad is high class butt sextants. And of course, for the ladies,

there would have to be a sister ship, maybe the Lord Lesbonier, a great place for gal on gal on galleon. Oh, man, it sounds like something from amistads and ends best dutch runners in the triangular trade all right well out of fear that this eventually this underage gay african sex slave bit could get distasteful we're going to close it out while it's still classy thanks as always amistadlers and when we back, there will be much rejoicing. What the fuck is the Decalogue?

The Decalogue, or Ten Commandments, are believed by many to be a series of ten moral dictums that govern how followers of the Abrahamic faith should live their lives. While many zealots fight tenaciously to erect monuments and plaques with these divine decrees in courthouses and schoolrooms everywhere, oftentimes the leaders at the forefront of these efforts aren't even able to name the commandments themselves. So what are the Ten Commandments? Well, it's important to start with the fact that there aren't actually ten of them.

The portion of the Bible referred to as the Ten Commandments isn't exactly a list, as much as a rambling stream of consciousness from which anywhere from eight to twelve commandments could be isolated. There are at least seven competing divisions of the commandments, including the Septuagint, Phylon, Talmudic, Augustinian, Catholic, Lutheran, and Reformed Christian. The desperation to force ten commandments out of the biblical passage becomes apparent quickest in the Talmudic, which lists the first commandment as, I am the Lord thy God, which isn't a commandment by even the most liberal definition of that word. The other six traditions add what the first half of the Talmudic version calls the second

commandment, you shall have no other gods before me, but only the Augustinian and Catholic ones continue on with the rest of the second Talmudic commandment, you shall have any false idols, which in defense of St. Augustine is at best one single thought. So for most of the mind of God, when it comes to the lists of precepts of human morality, was calling dibs on most awesome thing ever, and depending on who you asked, he continued with this thought for one or two more commandments. The third or second commandment is that you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, which is in keeping with the I'm the best thing ever period motif established in the previous commandment or commandments. The fourth or third commandment continues to have nothing whatsoever to do with morality and commands that we remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy,

which is basically a logistical issue. If the first, second, and possibly third commandments are about keeping in mind how awesome God is, we'll definitely need to set aside some time for it. The fifth or fourth commandment is the first one that delves into what might be considered morality, though only tangentially, as it fails to offer any meaningful moral advice. This one reminds us to honor thy mother and thy father, though it lacks necessary sub-clauses about making sure your parents aren't psychotic bigots before applying this commandment. The sixth or fifth or seventh commandment is the closest thing the Decalogue offers to sound advice when it tells us thou shalt not kill, though this message is undercut through nearly a majority of the remaining passages in the Bible. It's also worth noting that Moses himself kept this commandment

precisely until he reached the bottom of Mount Sinai, where he ordered all the good Jews to kill the bad Jews that were dancing around Mubi. The seventh or sixth commandment orders us not to commit adultery, presaging a lot of time God will spend later concerned with who we fuck. The eighth or seventh commandment tells us not to steal, which is a pretty good idea. The ninth or eighth commandment says, Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, which is generally interpreted as a commandment to be honest, though it's worth pointing out that the ancient Hebrews had words for honest and lie and chose not to use them.

In other words, the stipulation that this one only counts for one's neighbor is probably intentional. The tenth or ninth and tenth commandment reminds us not to covet, though it's strangely specific in listing several things not to covet, rather than offering a blanket ordinance against coveting in general. And while one can argue that this is sound moral advice, I doubt anyone could argue it belongs in the top ten. Of course, the Ten Commandments are far more noteworthy for what they omit than what they include. Even if you include the 603 additional commandments offered in the Bible,

there's no prohibition on rape, child abuse, slavery, torture, or trying to force your way onto the elevator while I'm still trying to get out. While there have been many attempts to rewrite the Ten Commandments to better reflect our current understanding of morality, I'm aware of none better than the one from George Carlin, who deftly distilled the speckling of good stuff in the existing deck log into the pithier, Thou shalt always be honest and faithful, especially to the provider of thy nookie. And he also said, fuck a lot to get there.

Damn, I miss that guy. Normally we save listener feedback for the end of the show, but I wanted to take a couple of minutes to respond to an email from Trevor. Trevor writes, quote, I really enjoy your show, but I cringe every time I hear you guys beg for money. I've looked at your Patreon page, and I'd love to get paid $1,000 a week to make dick jokes. Keep up the good work, but please keep the panhandling to a minimum. End quote.

He then goes on to break down what he believes to be the hourly rate we earn for doing this show, which he calculated as $1,000 divided by 40, or $25 an hour. More, he points out, than he makes for doing real work. So, first of all, Trevor, there's two of us. Not sure if you noticed that. There's three of us, so you're at least too high by double. $12.50 an hour. Plus, Patreon takes a 5% cut.

$11.87 an hour. Plus, they charge the credit card fees to us, which averages about 4%. $11.37 an hour. Plus, the actual costs of hosting, shipping, domain registrations, equipment, it's about 4%. $11.37 an hour. Plus the actual costs of hosting, shipping, domain registrations, equipment. It's about 8% right there. $10.37 an hour. And it also takes a lot more than 40 hours a week, piece to write, record, edit the show, not to

mention booking guests, researching stories, guest appearances, responding to email, reading shitty Jew books, all of that. $6.84 an hour. Plus if I don't keep giving that hooker's family money, Noah's gonna need to find a new co-host for the next, like, seven to ten years, depending on which state we're in. $5.75 an hour.

Plus tithing. $5.75 an hour. Uh, plus Noah needs a full-time guy to separate out the red M&Ms. That's a big deal. $4.88 an hour, yeah. Plus psychological lubricants. $3.96 an hour. Really? $2.88 an hour, yeah. Plus psychological lubricants. $3.96 an hour. Really? $2.88 an hour.

Plus charitable donations. Well, you know, I know that I should, but I just, I can never find that. Plus the mandatory secular abortion condom Christian Gulag donation of about 10%. $2.05 an hour. Plus filthy monkey insurance. $1.47 an hour. Plus the true coat sealant. $1.08 an hour Plus the true code sealant $1.08 an hour

Processing, handling, chipping $0.83 an hour And for that paltry sum, we're not only willing to provide you with an hour's worth of the finest dick jokes and atheist podcasting every week But we're also a mere $32 away from adding a second 30 minute show, increasing our workload by a full 50%. 55 cents an hour. And beyond all that, Trevor, we never beg for money. We just remind people at the end of each episode that their genitals are likely to be far more impressive if they freely donate. Which is a scientific fact.

Or neither of those words. That's right, that's right. So fuck Trevor up his ass. What? That's not true. With a lint brush. Which way? With the lint?

Doesn't matter. That wasn't a real email anyway, was it? No, there was no Trevor. Everybody who emails us is actually really nice, pretty much. I should have asked you before we started, just to be sure. Now, while we're on the subject, you don't really have to pay off a hunker's family. And now back to the show! The Scathing Atheist presents

Jonah in Rhyme. The Lord spoke to Jonah. A vision was shown, a brief message to take to the people. I'll unleash my fury on all those Assyrians because they're unrighteous and evil. A reply came from Jonah who said, leave me alone. A local would be more befitting. But God gave a stern warning, so he promised come morning he'd deliver it, weather permitting. So with a lump in his throat, Jonah boarded a boat because he heard the good Lord loud and clear.

A prophet's fate he so dreaded that when they asked where you headed he answered just the fuck out of here but his lack of devotion brought a storm to the ocean that sent the boat listing and swaying he was in dreamland until he heard a scream and the captain said wake up and start praying you see all the sailors and seamen assume that some demon or deity brought the foul weather so they decided that jonah deserved the cyclone a fate that they need not meet together with venomous ranc, they tossed his ass like an anchor, but lucky for Jonah, a great fish had followed. And while it doesn't confirm, I'll assume it's a sperm whale, because when it found him, it swallowed.

But because God had blessed it, he isn't digested and honors the Lord with an eloquent speech. And then in this poor prophet gets projectile vomited down to a distant Assyrian beach. God says, there, I forgive you. Now, if you want to live, you'll obey me and follow my orders. And mumbling that God was a douche, he wiped off the sushi and headed to Nineveh's borders. When he got there, he warned that unless they reformed, they'd find their town crushed and tormented.

And for some crazy reason, the whole town believed him, and even the livestock repented. So no one was slaughtered, and as much as this ought to make him feel like a heroic savior, Jonah reacted like God should have sacked it and bitched about the Lord's good behavior. He got all suicidal when they gave up their idols and said God made him look like a slow wit. He said, I should be burying all those Assyrians, but none of the Ninevans know it. So we end with him bitching at Yahweh and wishing he'd massacred more than a million. And feel free to challenge me, but I think that weird Bush analogy means God doesn't mind if you get a Brazilian. you get a Brazilian. From time to time on this show, we like to set aside a few minutes to talk about some of the common apologetics used in defense of theism. Heath, what do the apologists

owe Logic 50 shekels for today? Today, we'll be discussing the argument from discoverability. I see. It seems like that one's been gaining a lot of traction lately. So tell us, how is this one formally stated? Well, it's kind of like a finger in the dike of the fine-tuning argument. So before we dive into that band-aid, let's take a look at the scab in the covering so we can get a little... I see. Okay, so refresh our memories on that one, if you will. What is the fine-tuning argument? That's the apologetic that derives from calculating the odds that our universe would have the specific physical laws and parameters

that it does if any of several fundamental numbers are shifted by even a small amount you wind up with a universe that's incapable of creating matter and thus incapable of creating life well how the hell do you divide by infinity it takes a long time okay but i mean if the entire universe was made of gravy that would also make it inhospitable to life. Why does that matter? Well, if the universe is fine-tuned for the purpose of harboring life, it might be reasonable to assume that life was a preordained goal of the universe, which would tangentially supportuned for life. Nearly all of it is completely inhospitable to life, and the one place that we've found that supports life still has hurricanes, disease, Nickelback. I mean, how can you get away with suggesting

that a universe that's almost absolute zero, where it isn't speckled with 10,000 degree radiation factories, is fine-tuned for life? They can't. Hence the argument from discoverability. I see. All right, so this one purports to spackle over that flaw in the argument? Exactly. Physicists have shown that the massive size and age of the universe isn't necessary for the development of life,

and actually works against the fine-tuning argument. And while most apologists answer this with, no, you are, a few enterprising theologians have offered this argument as an alternative. Okay, so what is the alternative? That's the universe isn't fine-tuned for life, it's fine-tuned for discoverability. What the hell does that mean? Well, if the universe was structured in a fundamentally different way,

life could exist, but we wouldn't be able to discover how it works exactly the way we can now. In what way? For example, if life arose in a much younger universe, the galaxies wouldn't have moved far enough apart for us to see their redshift. If we were in a much older universe, we wouldn't be able to see those distant galaxies at all. So we're in a temporal Goldilocks zone that allows us to discover the expansion of the universe just right. And that's actually

the argument? Believe it or not, it is. That's the argument. But what about the stuff that we can't discover? The universe isn't fine-tuned for that stuff, obviously. Okay, but no matter how the universe was constructed, assuming that it was in a way that supports complex biology so that we could ask this question, there would be some things that we could discover and some things that we couldn't. So this is like a puddle remarking about how the pothole fits it perfectly. Right, but the pothole does fit it perfectly. Well, yes, but I mean, that would be true regardless of the shape of the pothole. That's my point.

If the expansion of the universe wasn't discoverable, we wouldn't know that we hadn't discovered it, so you could still make this same argument. It's like the old adage about everybody being exactly tall enough for their feet to reach the ground. That's another perfect example. What are the odds of that if God wasn't there regulating everybody's height to be able to reach the ground. That's another perfect example. What are the odds of that? If God wasn't there regulating everybody's height to be able to reach the ground? The odds are one. If somebody was shorter, they'd just be shorter. Well, that's your assumption, but until we find somebody who is

shorter than their self and check their feet, we can't know for sure, right? Nothing in that sentence made sense. Of course not. This is the apologetics segment. You've hidden behind that before, but aren't these at least supposed to sound like they make sense? Well, that's true of some apologetics, but this one belongs to a different class of argument altogether, one with a very different purpose. This isn't about being right or properly applying logic. That's the devil's work.

Okay, so what are the apologists trying to do with this one? Look, prominent physicists actually spent time refuting this shit. That required calculations, observations, time they could have otherwise spent further demonstrating the absurdity of the notion that a magic wizard made the universe because he wanted us to appreciate how awesome he was. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's kind of like when I ask my wife for a handjob just so that she'll put down her damn phone for a minute. Exactly. Okay, so what will they do once this argument from discoverability is sufficiently refuted? my wife for a handjob just so that she'll put down her damn phone for a minute exactly okay so so what will they do once this argument from discoverability is sufficiently refuted well

as it happens i have a handy list right here it's the next five arguments they'll be offering for that exact situation how fortunate for us so uh what will be the post discoverability apologetic that would be the argument from what if gravity went slightly sideways? Okay, yeah, I can see that. It's always straight down, isn't it? That could keep them calculating for a really long time. All right. And very similar to the, it's a good thing north is always up argument, because it would get confusing on everybody's map.

I see. And what do they have in store for us after that? The argument from rectal-fecal correlation. I see. I hesitate to ask, but what exactly is being argued there great question uh consider there an infinite number of potential shapes of shit could be other than you know nice and cylindrical any one of them be way more painful than your nice and cylindrical colon and all animals produce shit that fits their own asshole perfectly regardless

of species so you know what are the odds of this universe where we can shit nice and comfortably just like that every time? All right. Well, I guess that could buy them a couple of weeks. What do they have on tap when the argument from recto-fecal correlation is refuted? That'd be the argument from the left-handed monkey wrench. I don't think that's a real argument. But it'll take the scientists a while to figure that one out for sure. You know, it takes a minute to find the skyhook

and the snipe and the sniping bag. Gotcha. What's next on tap? The argument from it being in the last place I looked. That's a good one. I don't think that one's going to fool the physicists for very long either, though, to be honest. Right, well, they'll have to

start reaching deep into the bag at that point. Okay, alright, so what's their ace in the hole? That's the argument from arguability. Oh, well, they'll have to start reaching deep into the bag at that point. Okay, all right. So what's their ace in the hole? That's the argument from arguability. Oh, all right. That sounds like a tricky one. How does that one go? In this one,

the apologist contends that the universe is finely tuned to make it really easy to argue about from either side and even the wrong one. And the bitch of this one

is that every time you refute it, like I said, they count it as evidence. I see. Yeah, right, right. It's like they're feeding off the... Okay, so I have to admit, that does seem like a tough apologetic to crack. Is there

a counter-argument for that one yet? There is, but it's a pretty invasive one. Invasive as in tending to intrude on a person's thoughts or privacy? More like involving the introduction of instruments or other objects into orifices and cabinets. It's unorthodox, but deeply impactful. Gotcha, gotcha.

Okay, so I guess we'll have to save that discussion for after I've had a chance to talk to our legal team. So, Heath, thanks as always. Holy shit, I was just going to say you're welcome. What a universe this is. You said thank you, and I was right here about to say. And when we come back, you'll know it's only a matter of time before we leave again. What are the odds you'd be making closing remarks exactly when this segment was about to come to an end like that? It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that needs to cover about eight minutes this week, so don't worry about talking that fast.

Maybe six and a half. Well, our first message comes from Shane and eight or nine other people, and they'd like to know what it would take to make Eli a permanent co-host of the show. And if you didn't have any ideas, Shane suggests torture or asking nicely. He thinks one of those might work. Look, guys, I understand, and believe me, my life would be a lot easier if Eli just spent half an hour of each week being hilarious on the show with very little, if any, prodding from me.

But holy hell, I already talked Heath into moving down here. I don't know if I could chip away at another New Yorker. That was really tough. Well, we can hire anyone for the right salary. True, then. If our Patreon donations more than tripled, say, we could, you know, at least hire a cheap Eli replacement, maybe. You never know. I also wanted to restate two corrections that we discussed in the feedback segment last week

and then had to cut to make time, both from our review of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas a major is what animals eat from and Ebenezer Scrooge did have a nephew. So thanks to Tim and Kevin for the corrections and apologies to the Patreon listeners who already heard those corrections. We move on. And speaking of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas we also got a number of emails, a large

number of emails and tweets and Facebook messages and Patreon messages and a whole bunch of other messages about his movie earning the distinction as the worst reviewed movie in IMDb history, earning an abysmal 1.3 stars. Out of 10, by the way. Not out of five. That's not five, no.

Not out of five. And keep in mind, too, there's no zero on this scale. You can't give him no stars. So he's less than a third of a star away from the worst possible score. So technically, we'll never get him all the way down to one star. Exactly. Technically. Right.

But the asymptote is getting depressingly close. Good work, everyone. In related news, I saw a blog the other day that said that the movie was getting an average of two views per screening. Now, I checked the math on boxofficemojo.com, and I think that a real number might be a bit higher, but only a bit. Which means about half the people seeing this movie are projectionists. Right. And consider that at least two of those were Eli, the non-projectionist viewings. If he didn't go, yeah, there'd be less.

Exactly, yeah. Without him and us, they're barely getting as many views per screening as stars on IMDb. So if you see Kirk Cameron tied to a cross somewhere, throwing a rotten tomato would certainly be within reason. I would think so. I also loved a post.

Johnny on Facebook shared an article from Washington Post where I guess Kirk Cameron is blaming this all on a vast conspiracy from pagans and atheists. Partially. At least Ed Wood had the balls to embrace his ineptitude, man. Come on. We also got two emails from listeners that thought we might have taken the joke too far with our top ten racist holiday characters last week because, as it turns out, basing a list of puns on racial epithets can come off as racist. Okay, granted, out of context, racial epithets can sound racist, yes.

But let's not forget, we were ultimately making fun of racists in this segment. Which we're going to continue to do today, because we did want to balance the ledger, so to speak, and we figured we could cancel out any offense taken from last week's racist holiday mascots with an equal and opposite top ten this week. Right. Separate but equal. Exactly. So here's our top ten racist redneck holiday parade characters. All right.

Number ten, Puxatawney Phil Robertson. So if he sees his shadow, he assumes it's a black guy and he shoots it. Sounds like Puxatawney Phil is agreeing more and more with that Confederate groundhog at number nine. And his name is General Lee. That's right. The failed secessionists, formerly known as the Confederate South, have a rival groundhog forecaster out of Georgia named General Beauregard Lee.

Holy shit, you found an actual racist redneck holiday parade character? Holy shit. They had one. Go Georgia. I so shouldn't be surprised. Number eight. How about the ghost of Christmas good old days nowadays and after Jesus comes back and fucks up the medieval devil worshippers? And the racist cartoon version of that Christmas carol.

It was Ivory's or Scrooge. Right. The ghost of Christmas good old days was Jiminy Croket. Oh, nice. Well done. Number six, as we're on cartoons anyway, they could also have a cartoon turkey for Thanksgiving like the rest of us, except for theirs would have tire marks on it,

and it would be an armadillo. All right, what about number five? Ku Klux Klanta and the free exercise clauses. They could float. And at number four, we could have his cracker sidekick, Zwarte Sheet, with two holes in it. It's another fun image for a parade float. All right, number three, the great country blumpkin.

Sally Brown goes down. I've pictured it a million times in my mind's eye. Anyway, how about number two, Rudolph the inbred nose reindeer. Perhaps. How about number two, Rudolph the Inbred Nose Reindeer? Perhaps. And the number one racist holiday parade character, the Gaptooth Fairy, the White Knight Sprite with Overbite. How did I not think of the Gaptooth Fairy? Well done, sir. A lot more than annual, the business he gets from those rednecks.

Repeat adult customers, especially. And that's all the feedback you get if you want more keep sending those emails tweets and facebook messages you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com before we cork the bottle tonight i wanted to toss a huge congratulations towards David Smalley and the whole crew over at Dogma Debate Radio. You'll recall they were running a 24-hour fundraiser last weekend to raise money for the Foundation Beyond Belief. Well, it was an astounding success. They went in with the goal to raise $5,000 and raised well over $31,000.

Anyway, I know a lot of our listeners chimed in. We had a really good hour. So huge thanks to anybody who ponied up some dough for a great cause. But a special shout out to Brad, who matched the first $500 worth of donations we got in our hour. Obviously, that dude must be crazy hung, which affords me the opportunity to paraphrase Jules from Pulp Fiction and saying, Check out the big vein on Brad. Anyway, big congrats all the way around. Happy to play a small part in it.

Hoping we can do even better next year, assuming David Smalley is insane enough to do the 24-hour broadcast thing again. I also need to throw a quick plug to an awesome free talk by Susan Jacoby. If you're anywhere near Red Bank, New Jersey, the Red Bank Humanists are bringing her on on January 11th from 10.30 to noon.

No cost on this. And if you've never seen Susan Jacoby in person, you're really missing out. One of my all-time favorite people. And I paid a lot more than free when I heard her give a talk. So if you want more info, be sure to check the show notes for this episode at scathingatheist.com. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you this week,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check out all the action on our Facebook page and our Twitter feed. Also wanted to throw a big thanks once again to Adam Reeks, his friends, and their beers for providing this week's drunken Farnsworth quote. As I understand it, ain't no drunk like Australian drunk, but they still had the wherewithal to operate the recorder, and that's all we needed.

So thanks again for that. Also need to offer a huge thanks to Mark Nebo from the Raw Men podcast, David Viviano from Atheist Hangouts, Sean from Barroom Atheists, Carl from Post Rapture Looting, Thomas from Thomas and the Bible, Efrem from Skeptic's Guide, Wesley from Atheist Nomads, and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance for all

having worse fantasy football teams than me this year, thus allowing me to sneak into the playoffs. Huge thanks to everybody that played in the league for a well-played year, and good luck to my fellow playoff contenders, Paul, Bill, and Susie, and Heath. And while we're talking about fantasy football virtuoso Heath Enright, I want to thank him for all the name-kicking and ass-taking he does on this show. Obviously, he's an indispensable part of everything that we do here. I also need to thank the lovely

and talented Lucinda Lusions for everything she does behind the scenes as well as in front of the scenes. But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's best people. Rob, Skeptic Sarah, Nathan, Shelley, Kelly, Travis, Charles, Josh, Mike, and Torsten. Rob, Skeptic Sarah, and Nathan who are so bright that astronomers warn us not

to stare directly into them. Shelley, Kelly, and Travis who are so bright that astronomers warn us not to stare directly into them. Shelly, Kelly, and Travis, who are so badass they could knock out a bear using a smaller bear. Charles, Josh, and Mike, who are swinging more pipe than an architect in the Koopa kingdom. And Torsten, who kicks 0100001010010011010011. Together, these ten tenacious tender hearts have made our ten dentious, ten abrific tendencies less tenuous and more tenable this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the audacity, tenacity, and financial capacity to give us money, but if you'd like to join in all the fun, you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage, or you can make a per-episode donation and inch

us ever closer to a second show by checking out patreon.com slash scathingatheist. And, of course, even atheists love christmas presents so be sure to pick up a copy of diatribes volume 150 essays from a godless misanthrope for all the atheists you love and all the theists you hate this holiday season if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skating atheist.com all the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes i did have my permission. Warning, this program uses language... Blah, blah, blah.

Warning, this program... Blah. Fuck.