The SCP Experience - I'm a Paralegal for a Demigod Lawyer | SCP-3807

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Want to listen ad-free? Try it FREE for 7 days here: patreon.com/TheSCPExperience SCP Foundation KETER class object, SCP-3807: I'm a Paralegal for a Demigod Lawyer This story was derived from https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3807 and is released under Creative Commons Sharealike 3.0. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/ Author: Jordan Grupe Check out more of his work here: https://www.reddit.com/user/Jgrupe/ DISCLAIMER: This episode contains explicit content. Parental guidance is advised for children under the age of 18. Listen at your own discretion. #thescpexperience #scp #scpfoundation #scpencounters #securecontainprotect #scpstories #scpexplained #whatisscp Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Being a paralegal for a demigod lawyer is a tough gig. Let me tell you. Especially when the attorney who you work for is Seth Asani. That's his human name. I'm not totally sure how to pronounce his real name. And he assures me that if I tried, my teeth would fall out and my tongue would go necrotic. But I'm absolutely positive. He is the personification of the ancient Egyptian god of chaos and mischief.

He's not very subtle. Just Google the term Egyptian god of mischief, and his name and face appears, along with a fairly accurate description of him. Luckily, nobody else has caught on yet, or if they did, Seth quickly got rid of them. My boss is seven feet tall, with the head of a dog, and he has a tail with spikes on the end of it. You'd think people would notice, but he's very adept at hiding these things. The most challenging part of it all is getting his suits altered to accommodate his tail. Usually he makes me do it with a big pair of scissors. If anyone does happen to notice that there's something off about Seth,

he does some trick that makes them forget it all about 30 minutes after meeting him. They never totally see through his disguise, but some people do mention the fact that his head does not belong to a human, although they generally can't figure out that it's a doghead, and quickly get lost in trying to decide which sort of creature it really belongs to. He lets me see through the whole disguise, since I've been working for him for ages. Literally, for ages. We saw the pyramids at Giza built, and those other pyramids you guys don't even know about,

the ones that are now buried under sand. That's one perk of the job. I get to be immortal, at least for as long as Seth requires my services. It feels like he's been a lawyer since the beginning of civilization. And for as long as lawyers have existed, he must get some sort of kick out of it. Plus, nobody practices whatever religion he's the deity of anymore, so he doesn't have anything better to do.

We're heading to court right now, and I'm anxious as ever to see what shenanigans he'll pull this time. His antics are legendary, literally. Once, when he knew he was losing during the time, closing arguments. He turned the prosecutor into a pile of snakes, prompting a mistrial. Another time he filled the opposition's key witness's throat with scorpions, just as she was providing important testimony. A judge who caught on to his tactics promptly disappeared following a trial which Seth lost. His car was found the next day to be still in the courthouse

parking lot, but it was full of locusts and scraps of bone, with no other signs of the judge. Needless to say, those who knew about Seth's ability to win cases were quick to hire his services, and he did not discriminate. Our current client was a degenerate who had robbed a gas station while high on a potent combination of crack, crystal meth, and angel dust. They'd also found traces of several other drugs in his system, and part of me almost wanted to congratulate him on how intoxicated he was. Another part of me wanted to run away from him and never see him, or his bizarre facial tattoos ever again.

He was waiting for us as we entered the courtroom. I hustled to keep up with the long strides of the tall demigod. Mr. Hassani, need I remind you that court begins promptly at nine? The judge said as we took our places, our client, Devin Baker, whispered something to Seth, sounding angry. Seth simply smiled that annoying smile of his. It was weird because I could see the doghead, but I could also see the illusion that he was casting on everyone else.

Like a semi-transparent mirage, it could get very distracting. Sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again. See that it doesn't. Court proceedings began, and I handed Seth the necessary documents when he required them, making notes and looking up anything pertinent. The case was a tough one, because our client had been recorded on camera robbing a gas station. He was caught, red-handed, in the parking lot, with his pockets full of the stolen cash, and the gas station attendant had IDed him on top of everything else.

Basically, an open-and-shut case for the prosecution. And yet, Seth had insisted he plead innocent. It was a case only he could win. I called Devin Baker to the stand, Seth said, when he was. was time to call his first witness. The defendant approached the witness stand, then sat down to take his oath. Once that was done, my boss began his questioning. Is it true, Mr. Baker, that you currently live with your mother in her basement? He hesitated. Huh, yeah, but what does that? I'll ask the questions here. Now, do you currently

have any sort of job or educational obligations? Obla what? Do you? you go to school, Mr. Baker, do you work? He asked him aggressively. The poor client looked a little flabbergasted. I could see he almost wanted to ask Seth if he'd forgotten he was his lawyer, but eventually he answered. No, I don't work or go to school. I'm between jobs right now. And your last job? Where did you work? The man balked at the question, looking like he didn't want to answer it. I couldn't blame him since he was a professional criminal. Where did you work? Have you ever had a job? Dude, you're my fucking lawyer. What the fuck are you doing? I'll ask the questions here, Mr. Baker. You never had a job because you steal for a living. Isn't that right? No, I don't,

hey, he turned to the judge. Can we have a mistrial or something? He's your lawyer. The judge, drugged, under some sort of hypnosis. Sounds like he's ramping up to something. Exactly! Seth shouted. Now, admit it. You robbed the gas station. Just admit it, and we can all go home.

You told me to plead innocent. What the fuck are you doing? The man whispered under his breath. I was getting a little nervous myself. But Seth always had a plan. So you're saying you're not innocent? No. I mean, yes. I mean, no, I'm not saying that. The camera's got it all wrong, man. I didn't steal nothing.

Aha! So you're saying you've been framed? Uh, what an interesting development, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. He turned to face the 12 people in the jury box. This is the first I'm hearing of a conspiracy to frame my client. He had his most theatrical voice going. But the prosecutor was shaking his head, looking annoyed. He stood up, raising his hand. Objection, Your Honor. There has been no evidence of any sort of conspiracy to... Seth winked at me, and the man was suddenly choking.

He raised his hands up to his throat and made the universal sign for needing the Heinlech maneuver. But I could already tell that wasn't going to help. Objection overruled. Please sit down and don't interrupt again. Scarabs began to scurry out of the opposing lawyer's throat, crawling from his mouth and down his neck, and into his clothing. There were thousands of them, millions of them, so many that they were choking

him and causing his face to turn purple, then blue, then a toxic shade of gray. Well, if there's no further objection from the prosecutor, I'll continue, Seth said, as if nothing had happened, and the rest of the courtroom followed suit. Your Honor, I'll need some time to prepare for this new turn of events, the prosecutor's co-attorney said, stepping over his deceased body. Can we have a brief recess? The judge rolled his eyes. You've had all week to prepare. Now please, let's get on with it. Yes, Your Honor. Now, as I was saying, Seth continued, what do we really know about the owner of this gas station? Mr. Jackson has already testified that he was employed with a facility that produces playground equipment prior to purchasing the gas station.

Playground equipment, ladies and gentlemen. Things like monkey bars. Do you know who else uses monkey bars? Al-Qaeda. ISIS. Practically every terrorist organization you can think of. Now, am I saying that Mr. Jackson belongs to ISIS? And has infiltrated our country and is now framing a U.S. citizen? No. Of course I'm not saying that.

Objection, Your Honor. This is ridiculous. The other prosecutor suddenly dropped to the ground, screaming. She sank lower and lower, and I looked down to see her bottom half had turned into golden desert sand. The border of this transformation moved upwards, turning her slowly into sand from her feet to her face. No longer capable of speech, she froze in a horrified, silent scream. Then her entire visage disappeared, turning into a pile of sand. The jury, judge, bailiff, and everyone else present seemed not to be able to. notice this development. Overruled again. Now, will you please let this man continue?

Very interested to hear what he has to say, the judge said, as if nothing had happened. Another prosecutor came around the pile of sand, looking nervous. Shit, where the fuck were all these guys coming from? It should have figured out to give up by now. Apologies, Your Honor. It won't happen again, the new attorney said. The new guy looked 20 years younger than the other two, and he was eyeing Seth as if he knew exactly what was happening, as if he had seen everything. He stared at the demigod intently, as if trying to decide what creature his head belonged to. The kid was perceptive. I had to give him that, but that didn't mean he was going to live. Okay, as I was saying, now that we know ISIS was involved and my client was an unwitting

victim in all this. I'd like to request that this entire case be thrown out, and I'm not in ISIS, you son of a bitch, someone from the gallery shouted. I realized it was the man from the gas station, who was now being accused of terrorism. He'd been working that day, so he'd seen the whole thing, and had almost been killed as a result of our client's accidental firearms discharged during the robbery. I could only imagine the anger I would feel if I were him. Talk about adding insult to injury. He was still wearing a sling on his arm from where the bullet had grazed him. Your Honor, please. These disruptions are just unsightly, Seth said as a conglomeration of vines crept out from between the floorboards and wrapped up Mr. Jackson. He screamed in terror

until the vines went into his mouth, silencing him. I'm so sorry, Mr. Hissani. You're absolutely right. And I will be speaking to the prosecution in my quarters afterwards about controlling your witnesses. Apologies, Judge, said the child lawyer. His eyes still engrossed by Seth's enormous doghead. He swallowed loudly. Won't happen again. Now, if I can finish uninterrupted,

my client is clearly innocent of all charges and should be awarded damages in the amount of, um, let's say a million dollars for stopping a potential terrorist threat. That seems fair to me. The judge rose smiling and began to dance. No deliberations needed. I find in favor of the defense.

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The young prosecuting attorney approached Seth and I in the hallway. I was congratulating Seth on a job well done when the man addressed my boss. Excuse me. I'm sorry for bothering you.

I'd just have to ask, do you, is your head out with it? Seth boomed. Do you have a doghead? Are you Seth, the ancient Egyptian god of mischief? Sorry, it's just that I've always been interested in ancient history, especially the Egyptians, and you are, aren't you? For a moment, my boss was stunned, completely speechless. It was the first time anyone had gotten his head animal type right on the first guess. This kid was good. Damn, dude, you're sharp, I said, genuinely impressed. How'd you figure it out? Seth raised both of his hands, placing them firmly on the sides of the man's head. Then, he began to flex, getting ready to pull upwards, ready to remove his skull

from his body, as was his usual practice in this sort of situation. I stopped him at the last second. Wait, maybe we can use him. I can really use a hand. You're taking on way too many cases lately. Really, I was fine with my workload. I just didn't want the poor guy to get massacred right in front of me. He probably had a family, or at least a cat or something. Use him how? Seth's voice boomed loudly, echoing through the courthouse hallways. I don't know. You always said you wanted a partner for the firm. You know, so it's not just a... Hassani law offices, you could be Hassani and whatever this guy's name is. It would sound so much more professional.

Seth eyed him for a few more seconds, then lowered his hands. The man led out a deep breath, realizing how close he had come to death. Fine, but I still get to do all the court stuff. What's your name, kid? He told us, and I promptly forgot. So, what's the next case? The young prosecutor asked, sounding excited. We've got a new client we're supposed to be meeting with.

I looked at my watch. Ah, 45 minutes ago. They wanted it to be somewhere private. So we're heading downtown to the polka lounge. Never heard of it, the kid said. That's because it's terrible. But the good news is, it's always full of loud, annoying music, so no opposing lawyers are going to overhear our game plan.

Seth turned and looked at me sharply. Are you going to tell him all? of our dirty little secrets? What if his boss decides he wants to hire him back? The one you turned into sand or the one you killed with a belly full of beetles? He didn't have an answer for that. So he simply glared at me and did the thing where he points at his eyes with two fingers, then at me with the same two fingers. I'm watching you. That's what it's supposed to mean. But he was already looking at his cell phone. We met the new client at the polka lounge. He was waiting at a booth and rose to greet us when we entered. The new guy and I approached him

casually, but then I realized Seth was not with us. I looked back to the door and saw him standing there, his mouth agape. This caused me to do a double take, looking from him to the client, then back at Seth again several times. I'd never seen him like this before, and it took me a few seconds to realize why. The client was no ordinary man. He looked different. Kind of like how Seth looks different. After staring at him for a while, I discovered there was a second head superimposed over his human face, one that was even more cleverly disguised than Seth's real visage. This man had the head of a hawk, I realized. I elbowed the new guy in the ribs. Hey dude, you're into Egypt's stuff. Which one is the hawk god? The other guy was looking carefully at the stranger as well.

And I saw his eyes widen when he realized we were meeting with another ancient Egyptian demigod. Uh-oh, that's Ra, God of the sun. He's the head honcho, the top of the food pyramid. Shit, that's not good. I vaguely remembered Seth, telling me he had a spat with Ra several thousand years prior. I doubted they even remembered what it was. was about, but that didn't change the fact that these two hated each other more than anything. Finally, Seth managed to get his legs to work and approached the booth, sitting down opposite from the man with the hawk face. I followed his lead and sat down next to him, leaving the seat next to the sun god open for our new hire. The kid sat down next to the hawk-faced man, then his

eyes widened and he yelped in pain. He jumped up from the seat. and I saw the entire left side of his body was bright red, as if he'd been sitting out all day on the beach. I guess you don't want to sit too close to the sun god. He pulled up a chair and sat at the end of the table instead, rubbing his reddened arm and the side of his neck, which had already begun to peel. Old friend, the hawk-faced man boomed.

You have been keeping yourself busy, I see. Yes, Seth agreed. His face emotionless. I have. Come now. You're not still upset over that whole business with the Nile, are you? I had to dry it up to teach those bastards a lesson. They were practically spitting in my face every time they prayed to Kansu.

I mean, really? Who prays to the fucking moon? Well, I taught them. You piss off the sun. You get the drought. My children died because of that drought. 17 half-god humanoids, wiped out because of your jealousies. Do you have any idea how many epic tales they might have inspired had they lived?

Kids these days would be learning about them instead of that pitiful Hercules. The boy couldn't even slay a hydra without help. And don't even get me started about the stables. He was supposed to clean them, not the fucking tides. See? One more thing we can agree on. And who controls the tides? Consu. Look at that. We're practically best friends again. Now, can you please take my case?

I hear you're the best at this law business, and I really do need someone good. Seth still didn't look convinced. Come on, old friend. Remember that time I helped you out? We traveled across the sea to fight off that great serpent who was going to plunge the world into chaos. We've worked together before. We can work together. again. Fine, but after this were even, he grunted. Excellent, the hawk-faced man said, sounding very much like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. As it turns out, that comparison was very apt, since Ra, or as he was calling himself now, Mr. Reyes, was the proud owner of a nuclear power plant. He was getting into trouble for polluting local waterways and irradiating several well-known tourist

fishing locations. Now he was facing a heavy fine and potential jail time. I can usually convince anybody to leave my operations alone, he told us. But on this particular day, I was out of the country. My wife won a sweepstakes and a trip to Greece. So we went with the whole family. Sure enough, this guy shows up the same day I leave and shuts the place down. Now I can't get a hold of him. All I get when I call the agency He has a bunch of robots, and you can't Jedi mind-fuck robots. Yes, quite a dilemma, Seth agreed. When's the first court date?

Next Tuesday, the judge is some woman named Themis, weird name. Of course, our new guy had gone to the bathroom at just that moment, so he missed that bit of the conversation. He might have recognized the name. I sure as hell didn't. When we got to the court the following Tuesday, something didn't feel right. Even Seth looked nervous as we entered the courtroom,

his eyes darting from side to side. As the guards closed the doors behind us, there was a strange noise, and I looked to see the large wooden doors glowing faintly blue. Uh, Seth, I said, trying to point this out to him. The door's quiet, he commanded. I'm trying to focus. Get my game face on. There was no sense trying to dissuade him.

He would find out soon enough anyways. This was no ordinary courtroom. Did you know about this? I asked Ra. He gave me a quick shake of his head, which wasn't particularly convincing. This is a trap, boss, I managed to say, before the judge banged her gavel.

Seth looked around anxiously before taking his seat. I sat down next to him with Ra on the other side of him. I think at that exact moment, it began to sink in that he was in trouble. The new guy whispered something to me, and I realized we were in even deeper shit than I initially thought. Seth, great Egyptian god of chaos and war, Lord of the desert and master of the sky, trickster god who brings disarray and... Yeah, that's me, Seth interrupted. Who the hell wants to know?

I pulled on his suit jacket to explain it to him, but he still wasn't paying attention to me. Not now, he hissed. I am Themis, Greek god of justice, wisdom and counsel. Suddenly I realized there was an entire panel of judges sitting up there. Somehow, I hadn't noticed them all at first. Another god trick, like the disguised faces. We are the gods of judgment. You have been accused of violating your sacred oath as deity of this realm.

How do you plead? Themis demanded. Innocent, of course, Seth said. Cool as a cucumber. And what have I done wrong precisely? Another woman dressed in a toga spoke up from next to the first judge. You have used your powers to manipulate humans for your own greed and to enhance your massive ego. That's Justicia, ancient Roman goddess of justice.

Er and Themis are basically carbon copies of each other. The Romans weren't very creative, I guess. guess. I heard that, Justicia scolded. She was wearing a blindfold, but she had great hearing. Seth was pacing back and forth now in front of the bench. I could tell he was brainstorming and eventually came up with a plan. Do you even hear yourselves right now?

He asked the gods looking down upon him. Of course I manipulate people to take their money and make myself more powerful. We're gods. That's what we do. Have you all forgotten your roots? Have you really forgotten after living amongst them all this time that we are better than these mortals? It is exactly the sort of attitude which is the problem, Seth.

You have forgotten that we are the ones who work for the humans, not the other way around. We are the ones who created them, yes, but we are also the ones who they pray to and ask for assistance. We are bound to serve them. raised an eyebrow. Really? Really, Themis? Who has been praying to you recently? And Justicia, who even knows your name anymore?

She looked offended. I am the symbol of justice. The humans still adore me. They create statues of me every day, placing them outside their courts in places where justice reigns. Themis stood up from her chair. Excuse me. Those statues are of me.

Who do you think you are? The humans don't worship you, they worship me. I am the symbol of justice and law. As the gods bickered amongst themselves, several others joined in to argue that they were the true symbol of justice. Seth began to sneak away. Ra cleared his throat loudly, hooking his thumb over his shoulder to get their attention. Suddenly all eyes were focused on Seth once again.

You are not permitted to leave, Theema shouted, and the doors glowed and even brighter blue. We must come up with your punishment, said Justicia. Seth reluctantly returned to his seat, glaring angrily at Ra. You knew this was a trap, I heard him say. Let me guess. They offered you a way out of your nuclear plant shutting down if you could get me here. You snake. You are the snake, Ra said, raising his chin a little higher.

And as you know, hawks eat snakes for breakfast. As we were saying, Justicia began. You have been accused of tampering with humanity's free will, as well as abusing your powers for the purposes of personal gain. Do you have any witnesses you wish to call in your defense? My paralegal, he's been with me for centuries, millennia. Good, don't forget, he will be under strict rules not to lie.

In fact, he won't be able to lie because of our powers. Oh, okay, I don't have any witnesses then. Very good. The prosecution may begin their arguments. A man with the head of an eagle stood and began to speak. Unfortunately, it was in an ancient language, and I didn't understand a word of it. By the end of it all, it was obvious we were fucked. The whole array of God judges were nodding their heads, looking with stern eyes in our direction.

The entire trial felt like it only took a few minutes. But that was probably just because of the dimensional paradox caused by all those deities in such a small space. Really, we were there for months. By the end of it all, it was obvious we were going to jail. Whatever that meant for gods, I wasn't really sure. But I would find out soon enough. You have been found guilty of crimes against humanity and breaking your oath as a God. Your sentence will be carried out immediately.

Oh boy, here we go. Seth said, These are always interesting. A man with a giant hammer and a lightning bolt in his shirt stood before us. I figured he was probably Zeus, or a Shazam cosplayer. I sentence you two, mortality! He boomed, swinging his hammer down until it hit the ground, collapsing the building all around us.

When I opened my eyes, we were standing in the park. It was a warm, sunny day outside and all looked well in the world. Seth was crying. He looked very distraught. What's wrong? I asked. We're alive. That's not such a bad punishment. Seth didn't look convinced. A person. They made me into a person. Come on, this is the worst. I would have rather been a fucking golden retriever. At least then life would be short and sweet. Not to mention people would rub my belly. Do you have any idea how good that feels? I opened my mouth to say something. But then closed it again.

I realized at that moment, he was right. Wouldn't we all rather be golden retrievers if we had the chance? The real horror is being human.