The SCP Experience - You Should've Gnome Better | SCP-5556

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

SCP Foundation EUCLID class object, SCP-5556 This story was derived from https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-5556 and is released under Creative Commons Sharealike 3.0. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/ Want to listen ad-free? Try it FREE for 7 days here: patreon.com/TheSCPExperience Author: Matt D. * * * DISCLAIMER: This episode contains explicit content. Parental guidance is advised for children under the age of 18. Listen at your own discretion. #thescpexperience #scp #scpfoundation #scpencounters #securecontainprotect #scpstories Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what the hell is this? I said as I pulled up to my house. In the passenger seat of my beat to shit, Honda Odyssey, Janice, Janice looked up from her phone and gasped. What the hell? Her widely spaced, Turquois eyes slowly tracked around until they met mine. Then we both looked back out the windshield. My neglected one-story house sat in a dip in the land

that was otherwise surrounded by trees. It had apparently been built by someone who had never heard. herd of rain or flooding, because even a little drizzle caused the basement to flood, making the unfinished room pretty much useless. Not only that, we'd recently discovered a leak in the roof, a problem with the septic system, and an electrical short in the kitchen. But none of these things were on my mind as I stared at the gray and blue structure. I was thinking more about the fear that crawled up my back as I stared at the numerous ceramic garden gnomes that beset my house. They stood dumbly in the overgrown yard. They stared with blank, painted on eyes from the

porch, and even squatted with infinite patience on the roof. They were of many colors, blue, green, purple, yellow, red, orange, and their little vests matched their pointy hats. All of them had beards, and all of them were about a foot and a half tall, including their hats. Their beady eyes seemed to stare at me. Their supposedly placid smiles hiding their evil intentions. Sweat sprung up under my arms and on my lower back. I fought a gagging sensation deep in my throat. My hands shook as I stared out the windshield.

I had stopped the van outside the carport. All the better to see all the vile gnomes. As the van idled, Janice and I looked at each other. At the same time, we said, Fucking Lex! I yanked my phone out of the holder and dialed Lex with a jab of my finger. Another jab put the phone on speaker. He picked up after two rings. His clown cackle, the only greeting as he laughed over the phone. This is too far, I said. You better get your ass over here and

clean these things up. Lex just kept laughing. He took great gasping inhales. I could tell he was really enjoying himself. I pictured myself smashing one of the ceramic gnomes over his head, and then slashing his throat with a shard. Surprised by the ferocity of my imagination, I shook it off, but the rage remained. Lex, come on, damn it! I shouted. I don't want these creepy things at my house.

Lex kept laughing, but he was slowing down. I'm going to rip your balls off if you don't get over here and clean these things up. Janice said, Lex said, still chuckling. You should be that much those costs? You know I fucking hate gnomes, I said. They give me the creeps, man. I don't even want to walk up to my own front door. I won't be able to clean them up until tomorrow.

Think of this as a character-building experience. Lex. Janice began, but my brother had already hung up. What an asshole, I said under my breath. No shit. Why is he always pranking you? I thought that shit was done with. I bit my lip and made sure not to look at my wife as I drove into the carport.

It was futile. Boyd? She said, a warning edge to her voice. I thought this was done with. Did you do something to bring this on? I just wanted to get him back one last time, I said, putting the van in park. Oh, Jesus. Janice said, smacking her Auburn-haired head into the headrest.

I married into a family of idiots who will never grow up. Never? I said, full of mock rage. I'm only 35. Still a kid, really. Give it time. I grinned. But Janice wasn't having it.

She opened the door and got out. I'm not helping you clean them up, she said, then slammed the door. I got out of the vehicle and jumped with fright when I saw a cheeky blue-hatted gnome Lex had positioned to poke around the corner of the house. A chill worked up my spine with sharp fingers as I tried to gather myself. Swallowing, I walked stiffly to the back of the van, opened the rear hatch, and gathered as many grocery bags as I could carry. As I walked my load up the front walkway, I tried not to look at the dozens of gnomes between me and the door.

Their beady little eyes seemed to follow me. Their smiles weren't of joy, but of evil determination. Their little bodies weren't cute. They were small enough to be quick and savage. When I made it through the front door, which Janice had unlocked, I took a deep breath before heading to the kitchen. I set the grocery bags on the counter and looked at Janus, who was taking her jacket off and hanging it on the back of a nearby chair.

Babe? I asked with a smile. Would you mind getting the rest of the groceries? Oh! Janice said. You're lucky I fell in love with you before I met your brother. I swear to God. She headed toward the front door. You're the best, babe! I called after her.

Thankful I wouldn't have to face the gnomes again tonight. Boy, was I wrong. The rain started just after nine that night, while Janice and I were watching TV, winding down before bed. Is the sump pump working? Janice asked when we heard the patter of rain on the living room window. I'll go check, I said, getting up from the couch. When I stepped into the basement, which was devoid of any furniture or even any storage containers,

I saw that the sump pump was already working because water had started to gather. Many times I thought about selling the house, just getting whatever we could out of it and renting for the rest of our lives. At least we wouldn't have to deal with the endless upkeep and repairs. When my grandmother had died and left me the place, I'd been ecstatic. But now, five years on, there was little to be excited about. The place was a money pit, and barely worth the property tax we paid on it. Seeing that the pump was working fine, I headed back upstairs,

turning into the living room to see the TV paused, and Janice standing in the middle of the room. with her head cocked. What is it? I asked. Janice raised a hand for silence. Do you hear that? All I could hear was the rain, which had picked up considerably since I'd gone downstairs.

Then, just as I was about to say something, I heard what sounded like little feet pattering across the roof. Janice whipped her head toward me. That! Did you hear that? I nodded with wide eyes. Squirrel, maybe? Raccoon? Janice shook her head.

The noise started again, but this time it was more than one pair of feet making it. It sounded like at least six pairs. A polite knock came from the front door, startling us both. We looked that way, then at each other. I moved to the front door and peered through the peephole, seeing nothing. Turning toward Janice, I said, There's nobody there. The knocks sounded again.

I looked again. Still nothing. Swallowing, I opened the door a crack, and looked down to see two gnomes standing on the welcome mat, looking up at me, one in blue and one in orange. Hiya! The one in blue said to me. Mighty wet out here! Would you mind if me and the lads come in out of the rain?

All I could do was stare down at these walking, talking gnomes. They no longer looked like porcelain figurines. Now they looked like tiny humans with bushy white beards and felt clothing. "'Mighty kind of you, sir,' the blue gnome said, hustling to the door. The other one, the orange one, turned and whistled. About two dozen gnomes, who had all been hiding to the right and left of the door, scurried out, and rushed inside before I could think to keep them out. "'What are you doing?'

Janice screamed as the things spread throughout our house, like they owned the place. I turned to see her jump onto the couch as she looked down at the colorful little creatures. One of them jumped onto the coffee table and grabbed the remote, unmuting the TV and changing the channel. Others jumped onto the couch, prompting Janice to throw herself onto the love seat nearby. I heard kitchen cabinets open and shut, plastic packaging creakling as the gnomes invaded our space. Still, I stood with the door open, unable to believe what was happening. Boyd! Janice shouted. What are you doing? Get them out of here!

Ah, right. I said, not panicking, only because I still couldn't believe this was real. Yeah, okay. Leaving the door open, I moved toward the nearest known, which happened to be the one on the coffee table and bent down. Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. The repulsive little guy looked up at me, his pointy green hat tilting back. I don't think you want to do that, mate, he said.

You just invited us in. It'd be mighty rude to kick us out onto the rain, don't you think? I think? Sorry, I said. But really, you need to leave. Can you ask your friends to go? The little guy hopped up and cupped his tiny hands around his bearded mouth. Hey, yo, Mades!

This bloke wants us gone. What do you say to that? A chorus of high-pitched booze erupted from the house. It was followed by glass shattering as the gnomes ran around, finding anything breakable and throwing it to the floor. Okay! I screamed. Okay, you can stay.

Hey, just stop breaking our stuff. Cheers erupted this time, and the shattering stopped. I looked up at Janice. She glared back at me. At the same time, we said, Lex. Lazzang sur-gillet, puissance-molyne, for 15 minutes.

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a sub-based Bonanza. Depos minimum of $10. Vealier to play in a fashion responsible. The conditions apply. I'm serious, man. I said into the phone. You have to come over here

and deal with this. Lex just laughed. Sorry, buddy, but I'm out with some friends. Besides, this is probably the lamest prank you've ever tried. I don't know where you got those pictures.

Probably some AI bullshit, but you must be running out of ideas. At least do something believable next time. I had known this was coming, but I still gripped my phone hard enough to make my hand ache. You don't believe me? Fine. I'm going to hang up into a video call. You better pick up. I handed the call and then drafted a video call. When Lex answered, he had two of his friends crowded around so they could see the screen.

He said, What AI filter do you have on your phone? Inquiring minds want to know. Let's see. It's not a fucking filter, I said. Just look. I turned the phone around and panted across the living room. The couch was now packed with gnomes, who were eating us out of our house and home as they watched TV,

laughed, through food, and occasionally fought with each other. I then went to the kitchen and showed them all the broken glass that Janice was in the middle of cleaning up. There were gnomes hanging around on the counters, stuffing their faces with whatever food they could find. When I turned the camera back around to face me, my brother and his friends no longer wore goofy smiles. Now they wore expressions of confusion. Impressive, Lex said.

It looks so real. How'd you do that? Just get your ass over here and see for yourself. I said, if you don't, we're done. I don't ever want to see you again. You understand me? I'm not joking, Lex. This isn't a fucking prank. Get over here now. All right, all right, relax, baby brother. Before I could tell him not to bring his asshole. friends, he hung up. It was better than nothing. I leaned back against a kitchen counter and then jumped up again as a sharp pain erupted in my lower back. I spun around to see a purple-clothed

gnome grinning up at me with a knife in his little hands. Give me that, I said, snatching the knife away. The gnome laughed maniacly as he jumped off the counter and ran on stubby legs into the living room. I felt the wound, relieved to find it wasn't deep at all. But somehow it didn't make me feel much better. I looked at the knife block and the blood drained from my face. Several knives were missing. I was helping Janice clean up the kitchen when a knock came at the door. Finally! I said. Janice said nothing. Her turquoise eyes were hard as icebergs in winter, and her face held the promise of violence if we didn't get this situation under control soon. I wasn't sure if that violence would be directed at me or Lex. Best not to find out, I thought. As I had, as I had to

I stepped into the living room, I saw a stack of three gnomes already opening the door. My brother stuck his face through the crack and looked down at the stacked gnomes. His eyes going from booze glazed to excited in a few seconds. Holy shit! My brother said. They're real! His two friends followed behind him, their expressions shifting similarly as they stepped into the house.

Bernice stood six inches taller than my six-foot brother. She sported long purple hair, a leather jacket, holy jeans and a 40-ounce bottle of Mickey's in her right hand. Reed wore sunglasses and a long leather duster, making him look like a skinny white guy trying to look like Morpheus from the Matrix. My brother, as always, wore a wrinkly plaid shirt and skinny jeans. His greasy brown hair was slicked back and shiny from the rain. Make them leave, I said as they came into the house,

still engulfed and looking at the little gnomes. What the fuck are you staring at? One of the gnomes asked. Lex laughed. Holy shit. Holy shit. I wonder how much money we can make off these things. Money?

I asked. Who cares? Just get them out of my house. One of the little guys ran up and stood in front of Reed, looking up at the guy. Reed, who had always been a special kind of asshole, stared back down at the gnome. Get out of my way, you little shit. He said. Get out of my way, you little shit.

The gnome echoed. putting an annoying lilt into his high-pitched voice. Reed flicked his foot out and kicked the gnome, sending him flying across the entryway and smacking into a wall before he fell to the floor. All activity stopped as every single eye in the place turned toward Reed. The gnomes glared at him with unabashed hate. Reed looked around and grinned.

You little fuckers got a problem? I'll fucking crush you all. The air grew thick as dozens of beady little eyes stayed fixed on Reed. Nothing happened. No one moved, except for Reed, whose lips ticked up with each passing second into an increasingly nasty grin. Then, with an earnestness that perplexed me, one of the little guys from the couch got up from his spot and stopped at the edge of the cushion, staring up at Reed. A moment later, the little guy, who sported a green hat and vest, hopped down to the floor and walked calmly over to DimeStormor Morpheus. Giving the man a wide berth, the gnome walked around until he was in front of Reed.

Then he put his hands on his hips, looked up into Reed's face and said, You want to kick someone around you, panty waist? Why don't you kick me? Fine. Reed said, stepping forward and kicking the gnome. But this time, instead of hitting the wall like the previous gnome had, this one exploded just as the toe of Reed's black boots made contact. One second the gnome was there, the next he was gone. In between was a small but bright blast, complete with orange flames and smoke.

Reed screamed out and clutched his foot, falling back to the floor with a thud. I looked over to see that his toes had been blown off in the explosion. I could see the bloody nubs through his torn up boot. The rest of the gnomes burst into action, rushing at Reed, screaming and hurling strange curses. You wretched snollygoster! I'll teach you for blowing up my mate, you nitty hammer. I've never seen a bigger mollycoddle, and my parents are. are in politics. You'll die a snibbling cockalorum.

But as one blue-clad little gnome ran up to jump on Reed, he went with the classic. Fuck you, you fucking fuck. The blue guy landed on Reed's crotch and immediately chomped down what was underneath his jeans. Reed screamed and grabbed the gnome up, holding him upside down and staring at him with increasing rage. The gnome managed to get his arms out and flipped Reed the double bird just before he exploded. I flinched and turned away, feeling something bounce off my shoulder. When I looked down, I saw it was one of Reed's fingers. Jesus! Lex shouted, but he made no move to go help his friend.

Reed held his mangled hand up, eyes bulging as he surveyed the damage. Meanwhile, ten or so gnomes were biting him and kicking him and hurling insults. Bernice, apparently having seen enough, rushed forward and started to kick at the little gnomes. I looked over to see Janice standing in the kitchen. holding a trash bag in one hand as she stared at Reed. Then I looked back at Bernice. For some reason, none of the other ones exploded when she kicked them away from Reed. But then she changed tactics and started stomping on them.

She crushed two with no ill effects, but when she stomped on a third, it exploded, severing her foot in half. Lex ran toward the door, batting gnomes out of the way as he tried to escape. One chased after him holding a kitchen knife. Just as Lex reached the door, The gnome whipped the knife like a baseball bat, severing Lex's right Achilles tendon. My brother screamed and pulled his injured foot up, managing to stay upright for about two seconds. The gnome sliced through his other Achilles, and Lex fell to the floor.

A half-dozen gnomes attacked him. I rushed toward Janice, bending down and scooping a gnome up as I went, just praying it wouldn't explode. But I had an inkling as to why some did and others didn't. I just needed to know for sure. With the gnome struggling in my left hand, I pushed Janice deeper into the kitchen with my other. We ducked into the basement, huddling on the stairs. We need to get out of here, Janice said. Eyes going from the riving, cursing gnome to me.

No! I said. I'm not letting Lex drive me out of my own house. Lex isn't doing this. Janice said. These gnomes are! They're going to kill us! I shook my head and turned my attention to the gnome.

You! Why does some of you explode when others don't? Unhand me, you licks, fiddled, the gnome said. I'll bite your bloody legs off. Why? I asked, using my free hand to flick his tiny ear with my thumb and middle finger. Ah, that hurts. Why the ear? Anywhere but the ear. Tell me. I said, flicking his ear again. Fine, fine, you gargantuan galley pod. We all have one specific thing that will trigger us to explode.

If you don't do that thing, we won't explode. I thought about that for a moment. So when Reed kicked that one, That was his thing? And when he held the other one upside down, that was his thing? You're smarter than you look, you baboon in human clothing. What's your thing? I asked. I'll never tell.

I flipped his ear twice in quick succession. The gnome screamed and said, Okay, okay, just stop. He paused and looked up at me until I brought my hand near his ear again. Okay, if I fall down a flight of stairs, I'll explode. I looked up at Janus, and we both looked at the wooden stairs down to the basement. I said,

Oops, I said, tossing the gnome down the stairs. He screamed in rage, bounced twice, and then exploded. I didn't have time to revel in my success, because I saw that the crappy sum pump had been overloaded, and the basement was filled with about a foot of water. Janice noticed, too, and said, I'd like to find whoever built this house and throw them down the stairs. I nodded, looking at our flooding basement.

It seemed like all the water from the surrounding valley ended up in our house, no matter what we did. But we had bigger problems at the moment, and suddenly, I had an idea. I looked at the garbage bag still in Janice's hand, then down at the water. I've got a plan, I said, and I told her what it was. We rushed out of the basement

and moved directly to a drawer in the kitchen. I reached inside and pulled out two set of tongs, handing one to Janice before grabbing the hem of the garbage bag. With the bag held between us, we moved into the living room to start picking up gnomes and stuffing them in the garbage bag. But we froze as soon as we saw the bloody scene before us. Reed lay on the floor in a pool of blood.

His mouth stretched wide, and a gnome's stubby little legs kicking out of his mouth. It was clear he was dead. His face, the color of a beat, and his eyes bulging sickeningly out of their sockets. What wasn't clear was whether the gnome in his gullet was trying to get in or out. It didn't matter, so long as it was preoccupied with something.

Bernice suddenly sat up on the couch as though she'd been resting her upper body on her thighs. The way the couch was set only allowed us to see her back as she sat up. Janice and I eased into the room, wondering what she was doing and whether the gnomes had given up on attacking her. I only saw three of the little bastards around,

which worried me. As we rounded the couch, Bernice raised her hand and waved at us, although that wasn't strictly true. She wasn't moving her hand. She was dead, and the gnomes were moving her as they snickered quietly. As soon as we saw them, they burst into crazed laughter. One of them leaped up and pulled the kitchen knife out of Bernice's throat,

dropping back down to her lap and then looking at us. Help! Lex said from the door. I turned and looked at him, terrified and sickened at the scene. My brother was slumped against the closed front door, blood soaking the front of his plaid shirt. He coughed, and more blood came out of his mouth, dripping down his chin. The batch of bloody shirt over his stomach started to move, bulging as though something was underneath.

It didn't take much imagination to determine what it was. A moment later, a point he had emerged through a rip in his shirt, followed by a face covered in blood. The gnome that had been rooting around inside my brother's body took a breath like he was coming up for air after swimming laps. Then the rest of the gnomes crept out from under and behind furniture, looking at us with beady eyes and freakishly small teeth in their brining mouths. Go! I shouted. Janice and I leaped into action,

snagging gnomes with our tongs and shoving them into the garbage bag. Some of the gnomes tried to fight back, but when they saw how efficient we were and how we were watching each other's backs, most of them decided to run and hide. The first few times I grabbed a gnome, I squinted and turned my head away, sure they would explode. But when they didn't, I grew more courageous.

Pretty soon, the bag was full enough that they could crawl on their mates to get to the opening. At that point, Janice took the bag and gave me her tongs. She stood back with the bag firmly shut while I picked the little bastards up, two at a time. She only opened the bag long enough for me to shove the gnomes inside. A knife-wielding gnome came at me, but I jumped over him and then whacked the knife away with my tongs. Several others bit my shins and ankles, but I resisted kicking them off, having seen what kicking or stomping them did firsthand. Instead, I just grabbed them with the tongs and tried to keep them upright until I could put them in the bag. We just had to hope that the trigger for one of them wasn't being shoved in a garbage bag.

By the time the sack bulged with writhing, cursing doll-sized bodies, I was sure we had gotten most of them, the stragglers we could get later. Janice and I dragged the bag to the basement stairs, at which point I heaved it over my shoulder and walked down into the flooded basement. I had shut off the sumppump after explaining my plan to Janice earlier, so now the water was calf deep. I waded into the middle of the unfinished room and tossed the garbage bag down,

moving quickly back to the stairs in case it exploded. Janice and I held hands as the bag slowly filled with water from the half-inch hole in the mouth. The reinforced plastic stretched as the gnomes screamed and tried their best to escape. As it finally submerged, I said, See, aren't you glad we paid extra for the good bags? Janice said nothing. There was a muffled pop, and water splashed above where the bag was.

A moment later, dozens of tiny bodies floated to the surface. A few of them were still alive, but they couldn't swim, and they drowned quickly. I guess one of their triggers was drowning? I wondered aloud. Who knows? This is the most bad shit crazy night I've ever had. Now that I'm a mass murder, I just want to go to bed. We trudged upstairs and went about searching for any we missed,

using our tongs and a new garbage bag to round the last five of them up. I took them down to the basement and drowned them as well. When I got back upstairs, Janice was on the phone with the police. She wasn't about to tell them about the gnomes, not until they could see for themselves. but she did tell them that there had been a home invasion and people were dead. When she hung up, she said they were sending the police. The operator said there was a unit nearby.

She'd be here in a couple of minutes, I guess. She looked around at half our destroyed house, then broke down sobbing. I hugged her tightly. Hey, I said, trying to look on the bright side. It sounds like the rain is stopping. He can't be, she said. I need to sit down. I let her go, and she walked over.

to the couch. But as she did, she crunched on something. She stopped and bent down to pick up whatever she had stepped on. She held it up so I could see it. In her hand was a lifeless piece of porcelain with part of a beard over a red vest. What the hell? She said. Then her eyes went wide. We both rushed around the house, finding the last of the gnomes. They were now all lifeless and made of porcelain. No one is going to believe us now. You've got to be fucking kidding me! I said, No way!

Upstairs, someone knocked on the door. Police! SCP 5556 refers to a group of humanoids resembling garden gnomes, including a beard and a tall, pointed hat. Each entity is between 11.5 and 15.5 inches tall. Entities are anatomically similar to humans apart from their height, and they possess a similar level of intelligence. Each instance is highly explosive, and one is very explosive.

will involuntarily detonate when a specific action is performed on it by a human. The action required differs for each instance. The explosive force varies widely between events, but is always sufficient to neutralize the affected instance. Instances experience a brief period of intense pain before detonating. SCP 5556 instances are not capable of inducing this effect on each other directly, but may attempt to persuade humans to induce it. Thank you.