The Shane Dawson Podcast - A Message From Shane... My Plastic Surgery, Eating Issues, Dealing With Hate, and Becoming a Dad

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

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Hey, welcome back to whatever the hell this is. I'm All Alone Edition. Yay! Thank you. Oh, thank you. No, thank you. Okay, fuck you. Why would you say that?

Anyways, yes, I'm here all alone in my kitchen. It's 11 p.m. Rylent's at Disneyland. And I decided not to go because of my social anxiety. Okay, wrong button. There we go. That's right. I have very crippling social anxiety.

Okay, why do you keep doing that? There we go. No. No, I actually didn't want to go because, you know, I like watching Disneyland. I like seeing it from afar. Like, I like watching Disney vloggers. I like seeing them go and rope drop. If you don't know the term, get with it.

Rope-dropping is when you go to Disneyland before the park opens, and then you're there at the celebration hour when all the mascots or whatever they're called run out and say, welcome to Disneyland. Get your ass inside right now. I'm going to get a churro. And then everybody's just so excited. And then you're thinking, why am I not there?

And then you remember because you have social anxiety. Now, so yes, Ryan's there. And we were supposed to do an audio-only podcast tonight. And he was like, hey, so real quick, I don't want to miss the fireworks show. I'm going to be too tired when I get home, so maybe we could push it. And I was like, you know, maybe I should try to do an episode alone, just to try it out. I've wanted to do it for a while.

And he said, you know what, that's a good idea? I'm going to go to a chiro, bye. And I said, bye. So here I am. I want to be serious for a second. I have wanted to do this for a while, mainly because I feel like the podcast, as much as I love it. I would say I love the podcast more than I love. Oh, my God.

I can't even think of anything. little Debbie's Christmas tree cakes. It's close. But I really do love the podcast, and I'm really proud of it. But I feel like it's definitely become more of like a show, which I love. But it's kind of hard to talk about serious things on the podcast when, you know, if I start talking about my body dysmorphia, and then I look up and, you know, Jared's dressed up as a hot dog and Chris is a minion.

So it's just a little hard to go there. so I want to try next year to really start doing that more on the pod pod sorry I've never said that my life on the pod I want to my 80 do 80 year olds watch podcasts interesting do you think anybody's ever watched my podcast on their deathbed that would be an interesting way to be ushered off to hell or heaven sorry what was I talking about Okay, that would be Ryland's podcast song.

There we go. Okay, that's my little, let's get back on track, Angel. So, yes, I've wanted to do this for a while. I'm going to do this on the normal podcast soon, kind of getting deeper about some topics that I want to talk about. But I'm going to do it tonight all alone because I feel the most comfortable right now in my kitchen. Talking to myself.

Okay. I really need to learn these sounds. So I went on Instagram, and I said, hey, what do you guys want me to talk about? But don't give me too mean of suggestions. Don't send me hate. I am too vulnerable right now. Have you ever eaten too much and you feel very vulnerable? And you feel like if anybody says anything mean to me right now, I will start crying. That's how I feel. So let's open this up together. Although I do know what I want to talk about. I want to talk about and I'll get to Instagram a second, but I want to talk about this next chapter of my life.

and I'm not nervous at all about becoming a dad. I'm so excited. It's all I've ever wanted forever. Like, I cannot wait. I'm not nervous. I'm ready. I'm like in daddy mode. Like, here we go.

But there are a few things that I'm nervous about as far as like, I don't want to bring in certain things into this next chapter. I don't want to bring my body issues into this next chapter. I don't want to bring my social anxiety into it. I don't want my kids to ever see. daddy having like a panic attack about you know something like something work related like I don't want them to see me spiraling I don't want them to see any of that and I know I can't protect them from all of it but I really wanted to get in control of so many things before I had kids and I feel like

I've gotten really close but there's still a few things that I need to conquer and I want to leave behind in 2023 so I kind of want to talk about a few of those things oops somebody just texted me Hold on. Oh, Rylan said he is doing Indiana Jones right now, and then heading back home. God, if I wasn't so insecure, that wouldn't freak me out. I'm kidding. I know Indiana Jones is a ride. It's a wild one.

Anyways. So, yeah, I want to talk about some things I want to leave behind in this next chapter of my life. So, yeah. All right. So let's jump into the Graham. God, I'm scared. Okay, let's see. First topic.

Oh, I'm nervous. Can you give us a horror movie update? Okay. Wow. Starting easy. That's very nice. Thank you. That was from a machine.

It's why I smile. Horror movie update. So, okay, this is kind of crazy. I don't know if this is going to be boring. And if it is, please scroll past this because I've stopped. Well, I have been vlogging the whole process of trying to make this movie, but I haven't been putting it on my channel yet because I'm kind of waiting until I can put a bunch of it in there. like a full update cool documentary style thing basically here's where we're at

whoa sorry all the lights just went off okay they're back okay that was weird because the power didn't go out on this microphone thing hello okay um what was i talking about the movie right okay thank you fairy so the movie is coming along and i'm really excited about it we hired a casting director. So here's the process that we're going through. So we had a poster made. We made a movie poster. We made a movie sizzle reel. So that's like me kind of explaining on camera, like what the movie's about, why I want to make it, my vision for it. And then we splice in a bunch of horror movie clips and different things that remind me of the vibe of the movie. So we made that. We made the poster. We made the lookbook, which I showed you guys a

little bit of. Now we hired a casting director. So we're trying to attach actors. And then once we attach a couple actors, we put the package together and then we go get the money. That's the scariest part to me because I don't know. It's scary. It's scary. Like what if people are like, nah, fuck it. We don't want it. You know, but what if, what if it works out? That would be my dream. I want to make this movie more than anything in my whole entire life. I feel like it's just all I want to do. So send good vibes and hopefully next spring we'll be filming it in it in a in like another country. That's the other thing. So we've been working with a production company in another country and that has been very interesting. So I can't wait to like film that process like going to

another country with Ryland and the babies and like it's going to be crazy. So I'm excited. Okay. Next topic. If you feel safe could you talk about your eating disorder recovery? How do you handle relapses? Hoof! All right. Um... Oh, wrong one. Oh, no.

Oh, there we go. Eating disorder recovery. Yeah. Here we go. Talking about our bodies, everyone. Okay. So, yes. Eating disorders.

This is going to be a blast. I'm going to put on some chapstick. My lips tend to get chapped when I'm talking about my body to smartvia. Hold on. You know, I was talking to somebody the other day who is kind of a recent person in my life, known them for a year. And we started talking just kind of about random things. And then body stuff came up, eating disorder stuff came up. And I started talking about it so casually to where later I thought, was that a lot? Was that too much? Should I have not done that? Have you ever done that where you've said something and you were like, wow, that was a lot?

Anyways, so I did that, and I was talking to this person, and I said, you know, yeah, I've struggled with a lot. Like when I was a kid, I was a fat kid. And I do think it was genetic, but I also think I was depressed and dealing with a lot of things and had no control in my life or in my house or in my childhood. I was very lacking control, so I would like do things to get control, which is the whole idea of an eating disorder. You control the thing because you can't control your life. So it started with me, this is going to be gross. So strap in. I'm going to talk about some things I've never talked about because fuck it, right?

I'm in my kitchen all alone. This is the perfect place to talk about this in my kitchen. It's like I planned it. I didn't. So when I was a kid, I would hold in my poop. And I would do that because I didn't want to poop. don't know why. Nowadays, if you literally put a gun to my head and said, holding your poop, I'd be like, no, I'd rather die. Like, I'd need to get this out of me. It's the best part of the day,

baby. But back then, I really did not enjoy it. It made me feel really vulnerable and scared, and I hated it. And I would hold in my pee to the point where I'd pee the bed in my sleep. So that was kind of my first weird control issue as a kid. Then once I got into school, and I started getting me fun of for being fat, which is so funny, because I look back at pictures of myself and I'm like I wasn't even that fat I was like a chubby kid but like you know like commercial chubby like a target commercial like you'd see like a chubby kid playing in the snow and you'd be like oh that's cute like look at him he's enjoying his life that was me but in the moment I felt so bad about myself because I'd have kids poking me and doing the pillsberry

thing you know like poking me and going like why aren't you laughing and you know singing the Jenny Craig theme song at me. One eight hundred. Wait, is that the right one? Forty-five. No, that's closet world. Closite world. Wait, what the fuck is Jenny Craig?

Whatever. You know what I mean. So, it was really hard. And when I was in high school, I was at my biggest, you know, creeping up toward that, you know, four racks. You know what I'm saying? Sorry, I'm trying to be hip. Nobody's ever said four racks about their body.

But, you know, I'm trying new things. So yeah, I was creeping up. I was very depressed. I had tried everything. I was on Weight Watchers, my entire childhood, teenage years, everything. And I lost like almost 200 pounds in like six months. It was the day after I graduated high school, I said, I'm done. And I stopped eating. I mean, I had chicken once in a while, but I pretty much stopped eating. And then I started running every single fucking night for hours. fucked up my knees, fucked up my body, ruined my metabolism, but I got skinny girl. Except I didn't because I had 20 pounds, 30 pounds of loose skin. So then I was like, okay, I lost all this weight, but I still feel bad about myself. Which led me into even more eating disorder issues, you know, more starving myself, more trying, you know, delving into the bulimia, doing that for a few years. really like, you know, wearing these crazy body contouring, you know, skims before skims were skims. You know what I mean? Like, I was making my own skims.

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Finally got my skin taken off That sounds insane, that's the craziest thing I've ever said Got me skin taken off It was magical They brought it out on a platter and my mom passed out. that's a real story. Have I ever talked about that? That was insane.

The doctor literally had my skin on a platter like it was, you know, a cut of meat at a steakhouse and he was like showing us how rare it was. And we were all just like, so yeah, that happened. And after that, I gained weight because I couldn't exercise and I had to eat. Because when you get surgery like that, such an intense surgery, you have to eat to get your, you know, body healing. So then I gained like 30 pounds. And then that just started the whole cycle over again. And then the YouTube comment started. And I know right now, like in 2023, it's unpopular to call people fat or say mean things about their body or do any of that.

But in 2010, baby, it was peak your fat. It was like every single comment. I had one situation where I was pretty skinny. I can say that now, looking back, like in the moment I I felt fat. Looking back, I was pretty skinny. I was at the beach. I was too afraid to take my shirt off. So I didn't, which I never do. And this girl came up and she was like, oh my God, I love your videos. And I was like, oh my God, thank you. And then she gave me a hug. And we took a picture. And I was so happy I didn't take my shirt off. I was so happy I had a shirt on in this picture. She posted it on Instagram and she put, I just met Shane. Hashtag fatter in person. And that was the catalyst for the next 10 years of my life. which just was really bad. So, yeah, if you're out there and you take a picture with anybody, don't say they look fatter in person. Also, don't give them a hug and grab their back fat and go squishy! Because somebody did that to me like two weeks ago, and that was like the worst.

But I'm in a better place now, so it didn't bother me. But it was aggressive. Anyways, so yeah, I was getting all the fat comments. People were being so mean. Anytime I'd be in someone else's video, like back during the collab era of YouTube, where it was like, oh, okay, so this YouTuber just texted me and wants me to come over and sit at a table with them and try crazy soda pops or, you know, being boozzled. God, being boozeled. What a nightmare.

So, you know, we would do the collab and I'd get so scared because I wasn't in control of the camera. I couldn't do my space angle. I couldn't have the camera up on the fucking ceiling with a ring light. Like, I had no control. they'd post the video and I could not look at it and I'd see screenshots of it and I'd see how fat I looked in my head and then I'd see comments that were like ew that's what Shane looks like oh my god, ew he looks like a big woman so that created this thing of I didn't want to leave the house so then I just stopped leaving the house I stopped for years I still haven't fully

gotten back to leaving the house because I'm so scared of somebody you know like in 2020 I had been, you know, hibernating after being canceled, not leaving. And I left the house. I had a friend from out of town. And I was like, you know, I'm going to pretend that I don't have social anxiety. And I'm going to take my friend out on the town. Let's go do something fun. So we did.

We went to some park where they were showing, like, people's artwork. And we're walking around. And I was like, oh, okay, this feels good. Like, you know, I'm just having fun. I'm trying not to think about it. Like, I see a couple people taking pictures from far away, but you know what? it is what it is and that's fine and whatever well then i find out that somebody was filming me and they put it on ticot and i didn't look thank god i don't look at ticot but the gist of it was

look how fat chain looks and supposedly there was a lot of mean comments about how fat it looked and it's interesting it's like you're not allowed to call someone fat anymore you're not allowed to bully anyone but when it's me it's fair game baby who cares he's canceled right fat fuck look at them so yeah and i really want to conquer that before i have kids which i've been trying to do the last two years i've really been leaving the house more been trying not to think about it trying to get more confident comfortable been eating healthy but not starving myself not throwing up not doing any of that and i do feel like i'm in the best place possible but yeah it is something you know it's hard i wanted to go to disneyland today i wanted to

wanted to go more than anything. And I think I lied at the beginning of this podcast. And I said, I didn't want to go. I did. And I'm sorry for lying. I really wanted to go. I could cry right now because I wanted to go so bad. And I'm just too scared. And I really want to get over it. So yeah. I'm not expecting that to take a turn like this. Thank you guys. helped. That helped. You know, it's interesting. I feel like I've wasted 35 years of my life in a lot of ways because I have been so preoccupied with how I look in a bad way. You know, not like, yes, that's hot. Like, not like that. In a bad way. And nobody, here's the thing.

I used to say this in therapy, and I used to say this to my friends who also have issues, I'd be like, nobody's thinking about you, right? Everybody's thinking about themselves. If you walk out on the street and you feel fat, nobody's passing you on the street and thinking about you being fat. Because they're thinking about themselves. They don't actually care. But it's hard to use that example when people have literally put on the internet how fat I look. Like, that's, you know what I mean?

And even in therapy, when I bring that up, I'm like, how do I process this? And she's like, that's a tough one. Like, it is hard. It's hard. So, but yes, I do really want to get better at it. And I think I have. And sorry for crying five seconds ago. That was a lot.

I told you I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable. But how am I dealing with my recovery? Well, I'd say about seven years ago, eight years ago, I really got off the bulimia wagon. I did therapy for that. Thank God. because, I mean, it was getting to a point, I've never talked about this, I don't think, but it was getting to a point where I was like, yes, I wasn't like super skinny, but it doesn't matter. I was literally dying. My heart was having issues. I was in and out of the hospital because I was not feeding myself. And if I was barfing and it was not a good look. So there was that. So luckily I got through that. And then that turned into other things and, you know, constantly checking things and checking calories. and checking this and checking that.

But I'd say the last few years I've been the best I've ever been. But it's a struggle every single day. It's hard. It's hard. Like, it's, you know, 30-whatever years of feeling bad about yourself and feeling insecure and, you know,

it's a never-ending cycle. But I do think, sorry, just burb. That was insane. I'm sorry, that was gross. But I do think I'm in the best place I've ever been, even though I'm crying about not going to Disneyland. I will go.

I almost feel like it'll be easier when I have kids, because when I have a stroller, and tell me if you relate to this, and this is dark, but when you're in a grocery store and you have your cart, it's almost like a security cart. And I feel like nobody's ever said that, and I'm going to be the first. I'm probably not the first. But do you know what I mean? The security cart, you feel you feel bad when you got that cart. You got that cart in front of you, and you're leaning on it, and you're strolling, slow. Those are my feet. Those are my heat. Those are my heat. on the target ground. You know what I mean? Here's living. So I feel like a stroller is literally a

security stroller. And if somebody comes up and says I look fat or takes a picture of me looking fat, it's like, okay, yeah, but I'm literally a mom. I have children. So like give me break. So yes. Hopefully that wasn't too depressing. And yeah, I'll never talk about it again. Okay. Oh my God, the next one is talk about mental health and awareness. Okay, you know what I will say Before I move on to some funny topics, I know this sounds really depressing and dark and crazy, and I probably should delete all this, but I will say mental health journeys never end, right? There's ebbs and flows, there's ups and downs, good days and bad days. I mentally am in the best place I've ever been.

I'm not hurting myself. I'm not, you know, picking my skin off. I'm not starving myself. I'm not obsessing over things, but I'm still dealing with social anxiety, right? Like, I still have that thing that I need to conquer, but I'm so blessed and so grateful that I'm not dealing with 10 other things. Because there has been moments in my life where I've had all of them going on, baby. It's been worse. So I feel like I'm in a really good place.

Convincing myself. Okay, moving on. Where is Taco Bell from? Interesting question, I will say. I haven't had fast food. Six months. And I think that's helping. But hey, Taco Bell, if you want to sponsor the show, let's do it, me.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. They would never. Are you kidding me? When did you know that Ryland was the one? I wish I remembered. I think we talked about it on a previous podcast. I wish I remembered the exact moment, but it was when he was crying. He was crying about something and he was being so vulnerable.

And that, to me, it just like any issue, not issue, but when we were first dating, he was kind of cold. and he was a little reserved he wasn't giving me much and I didn't know if he liked me or not I was like I don't know like him a lot but he's kind of cold kind of distant and I don't know I feel like he's over this and then he started crying about something and I consulted him and I could feel it I felt the real emotional connection I felt it and I was like oh he's not the stone wall like he has a soft core and then we jammed out to Ashley Simpson and we got drunk and that was the moment. That was a moment. Okay, somebody said, do you have any fears of not amounting to anything in life? Woof. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, man, we're going there. Um, of course.

I feel like, of course, like, I want to be a good dad more than anything. I want to be there for my kids. I want them to feel so comfortable with us. I want them to not be afraid to ask us for advice. I don't want them to keep things from us. All these things that are probably not realistic, right? Like, nobody has that perfect relationship with their kids. But I would feel like a failure if I didn't, if I didn't have a little of that. Like I really want to be a successful dad more than anything, more than career, more than anything. So yeah, what was a question? Fear of not amounting to anything. Yeah, I have a fear of not being the dad I've always wanted to be. And that's really scary. But the way I'm working through that, you know, and I know this is hard to say

because so many bad things happen in life. And when people say this, it's really annoying. But I do think everything happens for a reason. I can look at every single thing in my life and literally like a fucking jigsaw puzzle. I can say, oh, that happened because of this and that happened and that happened and then this happened and that's why that happened. And yeah, it's a little bit of a defense mechanism. Like I can find it pretty quick. When something bad happens, I can be like, there's a reason. And then like a week later, I'm like, I figured it out. It's probably not real.

But it's how my brain works. And I feel like if you have that process of everything happens for reason, it does help. But man, in the moment, it's hard. At Shane Company, we know getting engaged is an exciting time. We also know that finding the perfect engagement ring can be overwhelming. As experts in forever love since 1929, we're here to help you get it right. We have a wide selection of beautiful ring styles to choose from, including vintage floral designs inspired by nature

and classic styles with clean lines and sleek metals. We'll also protect your ring for life with our unmatched free lifetime warranty. Get started and find your store at shanko.com. Shane Company, your friend and jeweler. Okay. Next question is, trending TikToks. I don't go on TikTok. I've talked about it before, and I actually heard Emma Chamberlain talking about this in an interview, and I thought it was genius.

She was talking about why she doesn't go on TikTok. And she was like, you know, it's not good for me. It's filled with information too much because it's like you open your phone and it's like, hey, here's this new hairstyle that you need to do or else you're not hip. And then you scroll. And it's like, hey, here's this new diet. You have to try. God, she's everything. And if you're not trying it, you're vet.

And then you scroll. And it's like, hey, guess what? middle parts are out side parts are in or you rocking a side part you're a loser like it never ends it's so much information and it's all geared toward you're doing this wrong you're doing this wrong guess what you're doing this wrong you should try this you should try this because you're doing this wrong and then if you're a YouTuber like emma or like me every fifth TikTok is here's why I hate shape like it's always that right I open up TikTok to post a podcast clip and my thing with TikTok is I open it I post my clip and I get the fuck out

I turn the audio all the way down. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to see anything. But they started doing this thing where even when I do that, a little pop-up will come up with a comment. And it'll be the meanest fucking comment TikTok could find. Like the most brutal. And it just pops up.

And it ruins my day. Anyway, so that's why I'm not on TikTok, which I think I'm grateful for because I think I could easily get sucked into that. I mean, you guys remember in 2017, I couldn't stop saying, me, that's me. And that was fun. I really was addicted to it. So if I was on TikTok, I would be doing all the,

but wait, but no, because it's the blank for me. Like, it would be so cringy and horrible. And you guys would be like, oh, God, stop. Anyways, what I was trying to say is Emma says something genius. She said, YouTube is like a glass of wine. TikTok is like a line of Coke. And I agree. TikTok is fast.

It moves fast. There's adrenaline. It's crazy. you don't want to stop, you're hyped up, you keep going and going and going and going. Whereas YouTube, you turn it on and you can chill and you can watch something and get something out of it. So if you love TikTok, no shame at all. I think that's awesome. I would probably love it if there wasn't so much hate on it about me.

But yeah, I'm not on it. Hold on, I need a sip of something. Somebody said, talk about your birth chart. You know, does anybody care about that? Let me look. Here's my bird chart. I am Oh my God

My fucking thing I just opened my co-star thing And it says Good evening Shane Retract your claws Like what My claws Is kitty got claws tonight?

I don't think I do How do I look at my thing? Oh here we go So I am a Cancer Virgo I guess moon Cancer sun

I think Virgo moon And cancer rising It says Because today I'm going to have some power in my routine. Yeah. Power and spirituality, always. Power and sex and love.

Rallin, get back home with that gero. And power and self. You know, yes. I'd say I feel like myself today. I don't know if that's what it means. But pressure in thinking creativity. Ding, ding, ding. Yep, a Rooney.

And trouble with social life. Oh, my God. Oh my God. This is insane. Are you guys ready for this? Nobody cares except for me. But here we go. Hey, Shane, you're ready to let go of something you've been feeling insecure about. You won't need it where you're going next. You decide what your intentions are. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Who! I feel sick. That was like...

Whoa. Sorry, I had to step away from my phone for a second. That was nuts. Did you guys hear that? That was crazy. That is so true. Literally exactly what I was talking about. Okay. This says, the general theme of your life during this period is to define your goals in more aspirational terms. Literally, yes.

The tide is ruled by the moon and has no preference between high and low, between flood and the shore laid bear. Okay, I don't quite understand that next part, but you know what I mean. I get it, I get it. That was insane. So it's things like that where I was. like there was a moment two minutes ago where I debated ending this and deleting it and starting over because I started getting insecure about everything I've said and me crying and that just right now made me change my mind because I feel like everything's happening for a reason that's exactly

that is literally my mental illness you guys are watching it live because now that I read that I'm like well everything's happening for a reason that was supposed to happen and I'm leaving it Cut to TikTok's. Shane has a mental break on his podcast. All right. You know, we're going to take a short, tiny little break. And when we come back more of my delulu thoughts. See, aren't you glad I'm not on TikTok?

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picks p i c s dot com slash grower use code grower for your first deposit match of up to a hundred dollars all right enjoy the rest of the show okay we're back i really need to stop playing that one that israelins is there more okay i'll play with these later i need to add new ones okay Where was I? Instagram. How do you feel about your past pop star era? Okay, can I be honest? I love making music.

I love it so much. And I get embarrassed to say that because I think people think I'm kidding. But I love it. I still write music all the time. I have so many voice memos and like, sorry, I just hit the microphone. That was an accident. I have so many voice memos, song ideas.

I actually wrote a couple songs like a couple years ago. and my friend worked on them with me. We have, like, demos, like, I really love it, especially the Christmas music. I love it so much. But, yeah, I'm a little insecure about that. I am a little insecure about it because, yeah, it is, like, people can look at it and laugh and be like, oh, God, what a loser,

especially now that I'm 35, you know. But I would love to make music again. Oh, my God, can you imagine a cringy album for kids? Now that I'm a dad, I want to make dad music for my music. boys. Like, no, my brother die. But I did get an email today from somebody who said, oh my God, they're playing your Christmas music at Spencer's, like the gift store in the mall. And it's happening at like multiple Spencer. So for some reason, Spencer's has put me on their Christmas playlist, which is crazy. So thank you, Spencer's. I don't know why, but that's fun.

Okay. Do you dye your hair orange, or were you cursed as a ginger? That's interesting. No, I was not, I do not die my hair. I've never died my hair, but I am getting into, and by the way, I'm not, I'm not missing what you said about gingers. Because I might have a ginger. We don't know yet, but genetic-wise, it might happen. So don't say it's a curse. I think gingers are in, aren't they? Although I heard a rumor that they're dying out.

Like, I heard gingers are on the decline, which is scary. Come on, gingers, populate with each other. So, what was the question? Oh, thank you, Ferry. Yes. Dying my hair. No, I have not dyed my hair, but I'm getting to a point now where I'm like, do I need to soon? My hair is going gray fast. Literally, it wasn't gray a month ago. And now, when I look in the mirror, I have a lot of grays to a point where it looks like I got highlights. So I don't know what to do. I'm like, do I just let it go gray? Or do it down my hair? But then how do I match my hair color? Like, what if they dye it and I look like, I don't know, like Lindsay Lohan in her. fucking club era. You know exactly what I mean. And I love Lindsay. But I can't do that. So I don't know. What should I do, guys? What do you do? I was talking to my friend about it who cuts my hair. And we're talking about gray hair. And she's like, oh my God, my hair's going gray too. And I just noticed it and we're the same age. And she's like, I didn't know what happened this soon. I was like,

neither did I. When I was a kid, I thought gray hair was for like 50. Like in my head, like 50 means gray? Thirty-five? Like Chris Pratt? Well, he's not 35 anymore, but when I hear 35, I think Chris Pratt. I don't know why. I just do. Okay. Hemorrhoids. Interesting topic. I actually haven't really had hemorrhoids lately, so that's good. What would you have done with your career if you didn't do YouTube? Okay, I was actually talking about this the other day. This is going to be really weird, and you guys are going to make fun of me. I wanted to be a teacher so fucking bad to a point where when I was nine, my mom and me would go to these like warehouse stores that was all like teacher's supply. Like those, like, you know, your teachers like decorate the classrooms, which by the way, they're spending their own money on it, which is like, hold on, let me a sip.

which is so devastating and sweet and just like I don't know it makes me rethink all my teachers in such a different light because I'm like oh my god they were like going and spending their own money to decorate the classroom for their kids like that it's the sweetest thing ever they deserve so much more anyway so we would go to these like outlet warehouse type stores and I would literally get decorations for classrooms and I'd put them in my room like I would decorate my room like a classroom like you know reading is fun or like you know like numbers and letters and like that fake tree thing, like that was my goal. I'm like, I want a fake corner tree. If you know what I'm talking about, then you know. It's like the tree in the corner of the classroom. And it looks kind of

real, but kind of fake. And like there's like things hanging from it. Sometimes it's like books or quotes or whatever. I wanted that so bad. So yeah, I really want to be a teacher. I had my whole like first day lined up. Like I was like, okay, I'm going to walk in. And they're all going to be sitting there. I was thinking like fourth grade, fifth grade. They're all sitting at their desks. And I'm like, okay everybody pop quiz take out your pens like we're getting right into it and now we're just go oh man mr yaw oh man do a pop quiz and i'm like okay question number one how much fun are we gonna have this year okay question number two what movie are we going to watch right fucking now everybody throw your papers away we're about to get crazy we're watching juma unji

i just wanted to do that so bad um yeah and then uh over the years i realized college was not for me and I really wanted to make movies but I always had the teacher thing as a backup but I do still love it somebody said wow there's a lot of weight stuff that makes me sad I'm so sorry that you guys are dealing with it too hopefully what I said helped did I say anything helpful I don't know if I did just know you're not alone does that help um okay okay somebody said uh Okay, we're going to end with this. Loneliness. We're going to end on a high note, guys.

No, I want to talk about this because I feel like there is a stigma that being alone or being lonely is a bad thing. And I think there is times, I mean, right now, what I'm doing right now, talking to you guys alone. I think there's times where you need to be alone. And it could be years. Like I had a couple years where I felt a little alone. I mean, I had Ryan and I had family and stuff. But, like, you know, when you're in that mode of feeling like everybody hates you, you kind of isolate. And through that isolation, I really got to know myself so much more.

I wasn't doing, I wasn't, you know, doing the Paris baby voice. Like, I wasn't, you know, metaphorically speaking, I wasn't, like, putting on an act or trying to be the funny guy or, you know, the what, like, I was really alone. And I was just thinking. writing and writing and getting to know myself and looking back at the past and like I don't know like comforting my the young version of myself and doing a lot of work like that that sounds so annoying and lame I know it's so annoying when people talk about shit like that but that is true that's what I was doing and I feel like being alone could be a good thing especially if you tend to try to be there for everyone else and then when something happens

to you and you feel like, oh my God, I'm all alone. I'm always there for everybody, but now I'm all alone. Well, maybe you didn't need to be there for everyone. I mean, yeah, it's good to be there for people, but maybe you were doing it too much. Maybe you were being there for everyone else because you didn't want to be alone, and you didn't want to deal with your own shit. So instead, you tried to help everybody with their shit. And you know who needs the most help? The person who's helping the most, the person who's like trying to fix everything. That person just doesn't want to fix themselves. And I think being alone really forces you to figure out your own shit. And then after you do that, you can be a good friend, you can be a good partner, you can be

there for someone without trying to fix them or trying to, you know. Because have you ever had somebody who's constantly trying to give you advice? And all you want to do is say, shut up, shut up, go fix yourself. Well, guess what? You might have. You might have. have been that person. And you might tell everyone, I'm a people pleaser, but guess what? You're people annoyer. And I get it I was too. But let's stop annoying people and start pleasing ourselves.

Well, there you guys go. That was me alone in my kitchen, talking about good Lord, who knows, I don't remember. If you ever want me to do this again, let me know. I don't know how you would leave a comment on Spotify, but if you can figure it out, let me know. And if you don't want me to do this again, I won't. yeah I'm going to go this was a lot I'm going to regret everything I said here

but you know what no I'm not because my co-star said it's fine all right you guys thanks for everything thanks for being there for me even at my worst moments when I wasn't looking at my phone I still knew there were some of you out there who were wishing me well and you have no idea how much that means to me

yeah even if it feels like everybody hates you And this isn't me talking by being canceled. This is just in general. You can feel like everybody hates you. Just know that someone cares. Even if they're dead. Even if they're a grandparent.

Somebody cares. Somebody's thinking about you. And that's somebody right now is me. And I'm thinking about you. All right, I'm going to go. This is getting weird. See you guys. At some point, I don't know when.

I'll see you guys at some point. Okay. Bye. Okay, wrong one. There we go. Oh, wrap it up. Time for me to wrap it up. Okay.

See you guys later. Paradise is back. It's finally here. In the new location, Costa Rica. There will be adventure, drama, and romance. All gavs, no breaks. That's my vibe. Ready to find some love.

But it wouldn't be paradise without surprise. along the way. These kids need to learn. That's right. Your favorite golden alums are crashing to beach. We bring in a party, baby. Bachelor in Paradise, new Mondays at 8 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.