The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - #100: The Ladies Coach - Intimacy, Self Love, Cheating, Confidence, Victimizing Yourself vs. Fueling Yourself, Adversity, and Expectations

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

On this episode we announce the launch of Dear Media and talk about 100 episodes in the books. We are then joined by Christal Fuentes of the popular blog The Ladies Coach. On this episode we discuss the relationship you have with yourself, confidence, using your past to drive you and not hold you back and self awareness. We also dive into using adversity to fuel you, the number one killer in relationships, cheating, intimacy, and communication.    To learn more about The Ladies Coach click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE This episode is brought to you by WOO FOR PLAY  Even Better Sex. Imagine That. WOO FOR PLAY is the all natural and organic coconut love oil that is changing the way we have sex. With only 4 all natural ingredients WOO is the perfect personal lubricant to spice up your sex life.  All Him & Her Listeners will receive 20% off your entire order plus free shipping when using promo code SKINNY at checkout. Go to www.wooforplay.com to buy today now.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Welcome back to The Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show. Today we have Crystal Fuentes, the founder of The Ladies Coach, a popular blog, podcast, and YouTube channel. On this episode, we discuss the relationship you have with yourself, confidence, victimizing yourself versus fueling yourself, using adversity to drive you, self-awareness, the number one killer in relationships, core values, cheating, and intimacy in relationships. For those of you who are new to the show, I am Lauren Everts, and I created the Skinny Confidential eight years ago now while attending San Diego State University. I was bartending, teaching pure bar and Pilates, and I was bored. I had this idea to

create an online platform for women and connect everyone everywhere, talk about tips, tricks, relationships, kind of everything in one place. Seven years, actually eight years now. Later, it's a YouTube channel, podcast, community, and book. And I'm Michael Bostic. I'm an entrepreneur, investor, and business operator. I specialize in business development and direct-to-consumer sales. Over the last 10 years, I've developed, helped to develop, and manage multiple businesses in the online space. Most recently, the co-founder of Dear Media, a new kind of podcast company with an emphasis on female hosts and voices. Dear Media will place women, their stories, and narratives at the forefront of conversation.

So excited. I don't know if you guys saw this announcement on Michael's Instagram or on my Instagram, but it is so exciting. It's been something he's been working on for a long time with his partner, DBA. Yeah. And we're going to get into it in the show. But before we do, episode 100. You are making such an emphasis on episode 100. No, I'm really not. I'm really not. I'm not making an emphasis. I wrote a little piece though for everybody. I wrote a little piece. Do you want an academy award? It's very moving. Okay. Got a little tear to my eye. Did you really? No. Yeah. Yeah. Let's for dramatic effect. Yeah. So for episode 100, I jotted some things down, you know,

make sure I didn't forget anything. You sure jotted some things down. Wow. Some tear jerkers. It's almost like a, like a little speech, you know, it's kind of like a dear diary moment, but yeah. So, you know, as many of you guys know, Lauren and I started this podcast to amplify our one-on-one interactions that we were having with many of you, right. We were getting a lot of Snapchat messages and a lot of Instagram messages and we just couldn't keep up with it at scale. So we were down in Cabo one day and we've told this story before, but I just want to like reiterate it. We looked at each other, we were buzzed off skinny ginger margaritas and Michael said, let's start a podcast. Which at the time sounded like a good idea. And I think it's, you know, maybe now it is a good idea, but you know, at the time we didn't have any audio experience.

None. Neither of us. We had no idea how to produce it. None. No clue about sound equipment. None. No idea where to host it. That's when I learned.

No idea how to format it. All we had was an idea and a drive to provide as much value and entertainment as possible. Always value. And it got off to a little rocky start as much value and entertainment as possible. Always value. And it got off to a little rocky start, as you'll hear here. I'm going to play this old clip from our very first episode now. That scares me. All right, all right, all right. Right, all right, all right.

Welcome to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Podcast. We are here. This is our first one. We're so excited. I'm Lauren. I'm the creator of the Skinny Confidential. Some of you guys know me from my blog and we've also got my fiance Michael here and Jordan. I will let Michael go ahead and introduce himself before we get started. I'm Michael, Lauren's fiance, the creative behind the Skinny Confidential. I'm just kidding. I'm not.

So as you can hear, our audio was completely off. Michael interrupted me. I'm just kidding. I'm not. So as you can hear, audio was completely off. Michael interrupted me. I might've interrupted him a few times too. And we weren't the best at formatting questions. In fact, that was something that I feel like we've really had to learn and we still have to learn. It's definitely an art, but the point is, and, and I hope we're an example of this. We kept pushing on. So if you're out there and you have an idea, I think that that's the theme here is pushing on, being patient, keep going, keep the drive, keep the ambition. And most of all, don't get discouraged.

Like in the beginning, we had a lot of negative feedback, which is always tough to swallow. But at the same time, we had so much amazing support from so many of you listeners, so many of our community that it really like kept us going throughout the whole time. And I don't think we would have kept

going without that support. Yeah. I mean, you guys have been so incredible over the last 100 episodes. Honestly, we cannot tell you how appreciative we are. Your messages, your DMs, your rating, your reviews. We love you guys, your Instagram stories. It's so incredible. And you guys really have been the driving force behind the desire to create these episodes every week. Yeah. So from us, I want to say thank you to all the listeners. Thank you for your attention, for your time, for your support over the last a hundred episodes. And then I want to say, we will see you at 200. You know, I think a hundred episodes is great and all, but, you, but for us, it's just an opportunity to acknowledge all the supporters of the show and to promise that we will continue to try and improve

every week and on to 200. On to 200. And with that, on episode 100, I am very proud and excited to announce Dear Media. Dear Media is a new kind of podcast network with my partners, Digital Brand Architects. We're going to change the face of podcasting. So excited. I just feel like this is the new way to podcast. Dear Media is gonna help individuals conceptualize, develop, and produce customized audio content with an emphasis on female hosts and voices.

Dear Media will place women, their stories, their narratives at the forefront of conversation. So being in the space the last two years, self-producing, joining a network, going back to self-producing, seeing the limitations, I've really recognized that there are some major opportunities in the space,

but there's also some major flaws. And Dear Media aims to capture those opportunities and fix those flaws. We will be announcing talent over the following weeks and months and are very excited to support all the shows and talent that are on our roster. Super pumped. So media is changing and Dear Media is going to be at the forefront of that sea of change. Yes. I love it, honey. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm very, very proud of of Michael you guys well I have some good support and I have an amazing partner

just to like you know DBA digital brand architects for those of you that don't know them they are digital talent management and they basically invented talent management in the influencer space and really put that whole industry on the map so very excited to partner with them I know they're going to bring a lot to

the table. Congratulations, honey. When you can have a drink, we'll have some champagne. I know. Still sober. Can you believe it? Still sober. All right. So you guys should follow at Dear Media Studio. Dear Media Studio, yeah. On Instagram. Okay. So we spoke at GoodFest this weekend, which was so cool to, again, meet a bunch of you in person. I mean, that's my favorite part of the gig, being able to interact and actually meet face-to-face. I feel like there's so much online and computer work that I do that to actually get out there and hear what you guys are all about and see what you're doing and feel your energy is really incredible. Michael and I spoke about a medley of things. We spoke about branding and blogging and time management. And refining your

blog and making sure you have a niche that you're expressing and making sure that that message is clear and that you're not confusing consumers or readers or listeners. Yeah, we talked about story building, just kind of everything. And then we did. I gave the analogy that hard work is admirable, but not impressive. And I said that animals can work hard. That one was met with mixed reviews, but what I was trying to say is that you got to work hard and smart and strategic and focused. You can't just work hard because like I said, even animals can just work hard. You know, you could be like a plow horse and work hard you saved that quote for the podcast in you well I said it during the speech but I thought it was a good one and I like it came out of nowhere you know so I felt good about it you

put it in your Rolodex shocked a couple people they're like whoa what this guy doesn't like hard work but no I love hard work but it doesn't impress me okay so then we moved to a private room and we got to do like a Q&A with some giveaway winners and hear like basically one-on-one what they're doing and what they're building and give them advice in any way we could. And then from there, we went downstairs and there was like music and cocktails. They did like Rebel Vodka Stoli's gluten-free. Stoli has new gluten-free vodka, which is really cool. And we just hung out.

It was really fun. So thank you to The Good Fest for having us as keynotes. It was a great time. Valentine's Day is coming up. What have you got planned for me? I actually do have a couple of things planned. This year, I know. I'm like really, really good this year.

Like you should be shaking in your boots. Lauren, is that you? Fuck you. I have a couple of things at my sleeve, Michael. Okay. Maybe a card even. Wow. Pull out all the stops.

A card? Emily that works for me actually got this new thing where she wrote down my handwriting and she's going to take my handwriting to this place that makes it so you can type on the computer, but the typing turns out is my handwriting. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. So now every year you're going to get a card and you're going to think it's my handwriting, but it's...

But why do you think I need a handwritten card? Oh my God. You don't... No, no, no, no. I don't need a handwritten. You could just write out a sentiment. What do you mean? I never said I needed handwriting.

Just write out a card. Type it out. Send a fucking email for all I care. Just send a nice message once in a while. Yeah, once in a while, Ice Queen. You guys heard it first. I can type it out? Yep.

Wow, riveting. Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up and I feel like it's time to switch it up and not do the whole box of chocolates lingerie dance. You know, you want to just add a little sass. So we've got you guys covered on this, especially in the bedroom, because like we talked about last week, woo. Woo for play, that is. So for those of you who don't know what woo is, it is something that I think you guys are going to like, which is a coconut oil based lubricant. It's a love oil

that you can take from a massage to in the bedroom. So a few years ago, you guys know, I did a blog post on coconut oil as lube and a bunch of you guys tried it and we had hundreds and hundreds of messages about how much better the sex was because of it. So Michael and his partners put their heads together and came up with something amazing. They weren't fans of digging their fingers in a glass jar and just thought the product was missing something. So they came together and they said, let's create the perfect lube. Lube that makes sex better. So Woo is an all-natural organic lube with only four ingredients, guys. And like I said, it makes sex better.

The ingredients are simple and straight to the point. It's unrefined coconut oil, vanilla essence for a better scent, organic beeswax for a better consistency, and stevia for a better taste. So yes, you can put this in your mouth. Tastes like cupcakes. It tastes like cupcakes. This is no joke. We actually used it this weekend, so we can say that. Listen, I use it every chance I get. That's another thing to mention, you know? Yeah, you can use it alone. Nice gift for the men. Single on Valentine's Day? Get one for your brother. Okay. Oh, I don't know about that.

Woo for play is perfect for spicing it up in the bedroom. I mean, of course, you guys know we've tested it like a million times, and I can tell you our sex life was immediately enhanced. I just feel like adding woo to the bedroom adds more intimacy, better sex, and it's just more fun. So basically also with woo, we wanted to change the narrative. So this is in the woman's hands. It's on the woman's terms, which you know I love. It's all about the woman feeling confident and sexy and making sex, like we said, better. It's not about

needing lube here. It's about just enhancing the whole experience. And I have to mention this because a lot of you guys were asking in the secret Facebook group, the packaging. So the packaging is super minimalistic and chic. It's nothing loud. It's nothing gross. It's this white box. It comes totally incognito to your door. In fact, the box is cute. You would Instagram it. And the bottle is vibey like it's on my vanity right now. Um, it's like next to my nail polishes and my shampoos. It's, it's something that you want to put out. You don't want to hide it. You don't want to throw it under the bed. Uh, you don't want to throw it under the sink. You definitely want to display it. It's actually designed to look pretty on your Instagram feed.

That was like one of the goals. So it's super chic. Uh, so it's Valentine's day, which is why we're doing this read. I promise you and your significant other will be very much into better sex on Valentine's day. He will love this. Men are so hard to shop for on Valentine's day anyways, and they don't want a box of chocolates. They just want better sex. So this is the perfect gift. Slip him some woo with a little love note and get ready for some fun. It's a great gift for your partner or your friend, and it's going off the shelves fast. You guys can order woo for play online at www.wooforplay.com and all TSC listeners will receive 20% off your first order in free shipping. Just use the code skinny. That's wooforplay.com. Woo, W-O-O-4-F-O-R, play, P-L-A-Y.com and use the

code skinny for 20% off. I want to talk about my fake cake as the her tip. Okay, Michael, do you know what my fake cake is? I hope you don't. That's good that you don't know what it is. So my her tip is a fake cake. If you're a babe on the budget, this cake is for you. It's something I used to make all the time when I was a bartender. I still make it all the time and Michael has no idea. You're going to know now what it is, but it's inexpensive to make and it looks super pricey when it's done. So here's what you do. This is a little secret. You go to the market and you grab a frosting list cake. They make these guys. It's like a cake with no frosting. Sometimes I stack them on top. So I'll buy like three and

I'll stack these frosting list cakes on top. Um, if the market doesn't have it, go to another one cause they're all over. You got to get a market that has their cake game on point. I also got some flowers. So normally I'll get pink and red for Valentine's day. You could also do pink and white. That could be fun too. And then if I'm being super lazy, I'll get some funfetti cream cheese, pre-made frosting, or you can just get white, whatever floats your boat. You can get pink frosting, whatever the pre-made frosting is super efficient. So you take your flowers, your frosting, your cake, you can stack your cake. You can make it as tall as you want. You can make an Alice in Wonderland cake and you cut the flowers to the stems. So they're about one inch long. Then you're going to frost your pathetic frosting list cake and you're going to put frosting all around the edges in the middle

all over the cake so you can't see any of the frostingless cake so now it's like this beautiful frosted cake make it look all professional and then you're going to take your fake cake and you're going to add your flowers around the edges and in the middle so you're going to have this beautiful big cake with real flowers on it. And I'm telling you, everyone will ask you where you bought it. I have had so many people ask me that finally I told Jordan, Michael's sister, what was happening. And she went and copied the fake cake for Nico and he loved it.

So just tell everyone that you've been slaving away in the kitchen all day. It's Valentine's Day. You could sprinkle some candy hearts on top. Do whatever you want here. Pretend to wipe some fake sweat off your brow. You know, just a little white lie, especially because it's Valentine's Day. So because it's almost Valentine's Day, my tip is going to be for people that want to get, you know, want to keep it spicy.

And I know I'm not doing any kind of reason or anything, but, you know, want to keep it spicy. And I know I'm not doing any kind of region thing, but you know, I think it's important every time, every year Valentine's comes around and I see all my friends, all these suckers and all these relationships and they're sitting there and everyone does the same thing over and over, right? They go to the dinner. We've done that. You've been a sucker too. I'm a hundred percent been a sucker. But my point is, is like in a relationship as someone that's been in a relationship for a long time now, I think it's extremely important to switch it up, to try new things, to not get complacent, to not do the same thing year after year so that it's expected year after year. Well, shit, I can't wait to see what you do for me this

year. Yeah. I mean, well, we've done so many things that you're running out of options. So you might, you know, you might be careful what you wish for. But no, the point is, is like, don't like, don't just do the same old boring thing. Like the one piece of advice I could give to young couples or couples, old couples, whatever couples that want to be together, or even if you're in a new relationship, switch it up, try new things, be open, communicate what you'll hear in this podcast with your partner about what they're looking for, about what they want. Don't pass judgment. Be open. Are you talking about sex? Like what, what are you talking about? I'm talking about anything, but if that's where your mind goes,

are you going to like ask me some weird question on Valentine's day? Listen, if that's where your mind goes, then I just want to be clear what I want. I want white roses and I'd love those Beverly Hills pajamas that I found at the Beverly Hills hotel. They're pink, white stripes. See, that's pretty basic. You know, you do that every year. I don't do that every year. Anyways, the point is, is like in all seriousness, don't get complacent, switch it up, be open to new things, be communicative. You know, is that even a word? Yeah. I don't know, but you know what I think you want for Valentine's Day this year? I consider myself well read and I don't know if that was a word. Is that foot massager spa place I took you to? Oh my God god we went to this asian spa that was amazing

it was like this tiny hole in the wall that becca from the lady gang recommended it looks like it's sidetracked okay sorry but that's a good tip to like go to the foot spa yeah great um but anyways be open to new things so that's my tip of the week don't don't don't get stay out of get out of your shell. Okay. Okay. You guys ready to meet Crystal? Crystal Fuentes founded The Ladies Coach. Her intention was to change the meaning of what people normally think of when they hear relationships. As a relationship coach, it was really hard for her to get around the stereotype of what relationship coaching actually meant for people. A lot of

people would shrug their shoulders thinking that there was no need for her since they weren't in an intimate relationship. Crystal wanted to go deeper. Her mission is to help people, particularly women, understand just how important relationships are to their life and why this understanding aids to their overall fulfillment, passion, and purpose. Crystal is a podcaster, influencer, YouTuber, and author, and we are so excited to have her on the show. Welcome, Crystal. This is The Skinny Confidential, him and her. Okay, Crystal, tell the audience a little bit about the ladies coach and how you started it. Oh my God. Um, the ladies coach is a site for women, for the modern woman, um, just to help them with their life and relationships. How I started, I used to work, um, in hospitality and

that's something that is like, I'm super passionate about. I'm super passionate about exceeding expectations and servicing people. And I used to work in the casino where I was like, you know, dealing with a lot of like casino players and I loved it. I loved every part of my job. Um, and it was really cool because I saw people who always thought outside the box and just saw the world differently. There are various centric people. Um, but I loved it, but I just felt like, you know, looking at myself 10 years from then that it wasn't going to be something I wanted to do. And, um, and I wouldn't feel fulfilled. And, um, so I was at a stage where I met this couple, um, they're like an older couple. They became my mentors, but I met them actually in the casino.

Like they were some of my players. And I knew and remembered that they always talked about how they used to coach people because they just wanted to give back. So I remember one day I was working and I like messaged them. I'm like, hey, what about this coaching thing that you do? Could you coach me? Because I'm kind of trying to figure out what I want to do. And he's like, yeah, sure. No problem. So ever since then I started, you know, seeing their name is Joe and Maureen. Um, I started seeing them every Sunday and I still do. So this

is from like, you know, nearly, I don't even know, eight years, eight, eight or nine years ago. Wow. I still see them every Sunday. So they're like my family and they really kind of put things in perspective. But what happened in those sessions and every time that I used to talk to them is I realized, and this goes back into when I was growing up because I had some hardships growing up. I always valued relationships. Like I always valued that. And I think that that was my gift in hospitality. And that's the reason why I enjoyed it so much was like really finding how to relate to the customer and, you know, I don't know, like I said, exceed expectations and do things that would have, you know, been out of the norm and make them have like a really good stay. I always just valued that. And I think from

when I was younger, you know, and this is just connecting the dots, um, you know, I had a tough childhood with my mom and I think that it started from like a people pleasing, like it's not so good, but I always wanted to please my mom. And, um, you know, and I think that that's when I saw that she was struggling cause she was a young mom. And I think that that's where it started. Like I just started like trying to figure out the human behavior and like the psychology of why my mom was struggling and all those things. And then I think that kind of guided me into doing cost fatality because it's like, I'm trying to figure out the customer and I'm trying to figure out what's going to like make them light up. And so I think it, it's my gift, but it also became my curse at times. But when I was sitting, you know, with my mentors, you know, all these years, I figured out like, he was like, you know, you really value relationships. I think that you

need to be doing what I do because everybody comes at, everybody would always come to me with their problems anyways. And he's like, I think that you could really help people with, you know, knowing the value of relationships. So then I was like, oh, okay. So after, you know, figuring that out, I was like, well, I just want to make sure that I'm like, if I'm going to start this coaching thing, I just want to make sure I'm not going to fuck up anyone's life. So I wanted to, you know, just trial, you know, some people and just do it for free for a while and just see, you know, what was going to happen. And what happened was mostly women came to see me and no matter what they struggled with, whether it was their weight or, you know, they wanted to

get a promotion at their job or, uh, you know, they wanted to save their relationship. It all came down to one thing, which is the relationship they had with themselves. And then when I started figuring out that no matter what I was, you know, talking about or what we were, I was coaching them on, it always came down to that discussion. That's when I was like, that's, that's like the core here. I think a lot of people are running around blind, you know, getting in a relationship, starting businesses and doing things without a strong enough why. And that's because they don't really have a strong enough foundation. And what I always say is like the relationship you have with yourself sets the foundation for the relationships you have with others. And I think that that's missing. So when you start coaching, do you pick a,

let's say a specific topic or a specific place to start with people every time? Or is it different every time? It's different every time because they're coming to you for their own reasons. You know, at that point, I didn't, I didn't say that I was going to be a relationship coach at that point. I just wanted to see what, you know, where my gift was coming out in. So, you know, Susie Q could say, you know, I'm struggling with these 10 pounds and I don't know why I keep self-sabotaging or, you know, like I'm not sticking to diets or whatever. And then Nancy can come and say, you know, my relationship like, you know, is, is struggling right now. And then another person

can say, you know, I'm working my ass off at this job and I feel like I'm not fulfilled. So everybody had their own reasons of talking to me and trying to figure out what, you know, is the best, you know, way for them. So was a lot of it like kind of like therapy? Yeah, it was coaching. Yeah. I mean, I mean, yeah, when they sat down, I don't think these women knew what coaching was because I was doing it for free, you know, and I, I, I didn't even really understand. So do you kind of like help them get out of their own heads and build a framework or like, how does it specifically work?

So usually coaching, not so much the same as therapy. Coaching is where are you? Okay. Where do you want to be? What do we have to do? Do you know what I'm saying? Very much a strategic future by design. Absolutely.

Coaching doesn't so much want to deal with your, you know, mommy, daddy issues. Although I do, you know, so, um, but coaches, like if you were to see a business coach, if you were to see any, any coach to exceed in whatever you're doing, like know? So, um, but coaches, like if you were to see a business coach, if you were to see any, any coach to exceed in whatever you're doing, like fitness, whatever, they're going to say, they're going to see where you are and they're going to be like, okay, what do you, what do you want though? You know, you have to tell them, you have to be clear about what it is that you want. Like if you don't have a clear vision, like, so do you find a lot of people don't have a clear vision when they come to you? 100%. So they come in and they say, I want all these things. And you start to get specific with

them and ask what they want. And they can't, they really can't conceptualize it or like paint a clear picture of exactly what they're trying to do. In which case, then they don't have a blueprint to get there. Yeah. So you kind of help them find that vision and then execute on it. Yeah. I think it's, it's also just being clear, uh, with them before creating a vision for them. Cause you don't want to like to like go and be like, okay, I think this will be great for you because, you know, even though you see somebody's potential, you first want to kind of hit them where they are, like the filters that are stopping them and clouding them. And I think that that's the hardest part of coaching or any kind of industry where you're helping someone because I think the first thing you see is,

especially when you're starting to coach people, is you see people's potential and then you want that, like you just get so frustrated. Yeah. But they, they can't see it. That's the reason they're in front of you. Like, so it, whether it's their relationship, they're there to blame their husband or their boyfriend for all the things that are going wrong. He's there to do the same. You know, they're not seeing their relationship vision. They're not seeing what they could be doing or what they want. Cause in the meantime, right now they're just bickering about, you know, they're not seeing their relationship vision. They're not seeing what they could be doing or what they want.

Because in the meantime, right now, they're just bickering about, you know, nothing. Talk to me about confidence and how much this has to do with confidence. Because I think that's kind of a word, you know, I spoke to you a lot at the Mandarin Oriental over tea and champagne, and we talked a lot about confidence. So does that play into this whole coaching thing? Yeah. I mean, confidence is, all confidence is, is the ability to trust yourself and trust that what you have to say, what you have to do matters.

You know, that's where confidence is. It's very silent, but loud at the same time. So confidence is, you know, trust. And so when you're building relationships or you're doing anything in business or you're doing anything outside of yourself or something that you want to do you first like confidence is really important because you have to trust you know that first what you want matters and what you and sometimes and this might play into what you do or you guys um you know the skinny confidential I'm sure that when you first started the vision for it, it was hard for

you to articulate it because people didn't understand it, you know, especially when you started. And it's like, you have to trust that it will matter, you know, and you, and for you to be consistent with it. So confidence, you know, that plays into a successful business and the sustainability of anything that you do, whether it's intimately in your business, in your health, anything like you have to trust and be confident enough to make it happen. How do you help, you know, the women in front of you gain confidence? Like what are tools that you give them? Well, it's, it's different for everyone, you know, um, because how I coach somebody, you know, how I coach Susie is going to be different from Nancy. But I think the most important is finding out what's important to them, you know, because that's when you have leverage.

They can't see their vision as we go back to. In order for them to find the confidence, it's to kind of clear up the bullshit that they've believed. So, you know, and that can go back from childhood. That could happen in high school. That can happen yesterday at work. You know, it's this belief that they're not enough, you know, and that can go back from childhood. That could happen in high school. That can happen yesterday at work. You know, it's this belief that they're not enough, you know, so we have to figure out where that came from. And just like we said, like, where are you? Where do you want to be? And what do we need to do? Well, that's going to be different for everyone. So a lot of things, you know, that I see in patterns that I see with women is either believing somebody or just, you know, growing up in an, with an environment where people weren't doing things

that they felt that, you know, for them to dream big or to want a relationship that actually feels good would be just crazy. So you just have to, you know, for me, you know, trusting confidence and giving them the tools for that. It comes from them, you know, like they're giving themselves the tools. Um, but for me, it's, it's really just finding out, you know, like what, what is, what happened? I think that's one of my favorite explanations of confidence I've ever heard. Really when I was sitting here thinking about it with confidence is trust with yourself. And now that I'm thinking about it like that, thinking about building, I consider myself a pretty confident person, but it's because I trust myself. I can see why if you've had issues or you've had problems, you've had people break that trust or tell you you're not great or tell you that you can't do

something for your whole life, why you wouldn't trust, or maybe you've had a failure. And then as soon as you have a failure, you're like, oh, I can't trust myself to do that again. So it's an interesting way to put it. And I think it's really smart. Yeah. I also think it has to do with, um, are you going to allow your past to define your future? Like I ask myself that all the time, um, through any hardship I had in my childhood, I, I look back on it now. And I think that there becomes this fork in the road where you say, am I going to let this victimize me or am I going to let it fuel me? Right. And you know, I've always chosen to take adversity and let it fuel me. Um, I think, I think that, that you,

you do have to make that decision or are you going to let it define you? Yeah. No, it's so true. And I think also not to generalize, but a lot of women struggle and a lot of women struggle with confidence because they feel that they get it confused with cockiness. You know, they get it confused with, you know, like women by nature are more humble. Like they're more of like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. I mean, if you take, you know, go to the playgrounds and little girls are playing with each other, they're much more like, you know, oh, your hair's pretty. No, your hair's pretty. You know, guys are always about the one up. That's just by nature. So I think women struggle with it because they don't want to seem like they're, you know, like

bitchy or, you know, when really it has nothing to do with cockiness. Cockiness is a fear-based, you know, behavior. Cockiness is, is saying you, you're, you, you do X, Y, and Z and you have X, Y, and Z because you have something, you know. It's like the guy that has to brag with, that he sleeps with so many women. It's like, just to prove to himself and everybody else that like he's wanted. Yeah. You're like proving yourself. You're in seeking mode, you know, but like confidence is just, you know, it's, it's about owning yourself, you know, and just owning who you, who you are, what you have and what you have to give, you know, and it's, and I think that has nothing to do with,

you know, showing off. It's everything to do with just like, Hey, this is me. I have another take on it. And sometimes I get in trouble for saying this probably like always. But I think sometimes when people have issues from the past and they use them, like maybe somebody was mean to me or this person cheated on me or this person broke up with me, or my mom was mean, or my dad was a dick. They use it as an excuse to be, to not execute. And I think sometimes it causes laziness and people get really mad when I say that, but really it's like, how long can you complain about circumstances, right? At what point are you going to say, you know what, this is the reality of my life. And there's other people that have had it worse. Other people that have it

better. And I'm actually going to take some steps now to get out of that, but it's the people. And I think this is a losing formula. And I'm not attacking anybody individually, just a generalization of people that do this. When you're constantly whining and complaining about the past. And I call it that because that's what it is. You're not, you're not hurting anybody else, but yourself. Like other confident people and other winners are not sitting there complaining. They're going and executing. And I think the longer you sit there and say, you know, I didn't have this or this person had that or someone was mean to me or this happened. Like that's never

going to move you forward. It's only going to drag you back. As a coach, how do you snap someone out of that? Well, it's sometimes it's hard because they've played this story on. It's like seeing a bad movie. You know, you're just like playing over and over and over again. And sometimes it's like, you know, like people are, you know, addicted to the story, you know, and so. The narrative. Yeah. And so it's sometimes it's hard, but it's just,

it's a way to not take responsibility. And it's also a victimizing mindset because as long as, you know, you're a victim, then you don't have to do anything, you know? So so it's sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's just like a slap in the face like come on you know like everybody's got issues can you coach taylor oh my god as he's as he's in the other room i want to niche down right now and i want to talk about relationships and women that come to you that feel they have relationship problems and we can go through all the different scenarios, but just talk to me. If someone comes to you with a relationship problem, what's something that you see that's really common and how do you give them the tools to fix it?

Yeah. So some of the things, um, you know, that are common that we talked about was the trust, right? Trusting a relationship. But how are you going to trust a relationship if you don't trust yourself? So the confidence is key. I think the number one thing, and this is, this is just all across the board. And I think you've asked me once before what the number one key is to a successful relationship. And everyone thinks it's communication and, you um, which I believe is important. We weren't communicating very well last night. Domestic dispute. She, she was hurting me. Um, yeah, the number one key to us, you know, a successful relationship is, you know, Gary

Vaynerchuk says it perfectly. And he said this and I was like, this is exactly what I've been saying to everyone is self-awareness, just knowing yourself. And we talked about that in the beginning, right? We talked about the trust and the confidence. If you don't know what you want, how the hell are you going to get into a relationship with somebody? Like, you're not going to know what you value. You're not going to have clear standards for your life. You're just going to blindly get into a relationship and wonder why the fuck it's failing, you know? And so I think so often women are just going into relationships and becoming a chameleon of their partners, like wants and needs because they don't know what it is they want. And then they wonder why their partner isn't doing X, Y, and Z, which gets me to the number one killer of relationships,

which is expectation. You know, so you have all these expectations of a person and you're frustrated when they're not meeting those expectations. So how, if you have all these expectations of a person and you're frustrated when they're not meeting those expectations so how if you have expectations how do you how do you work that in with your partner to make it work well expectations i strongly advise against which is really hard because we're human and that's so don't fucking expect me to be on time okay that's a good comeback okay i don't think i don't think i expect it i think i hope don't expect dinner on the table i don't think i've ever expected you to be on time i think i hope that you're on time um a lot of people get confused with expectations um And what I would say is trade your expectations

and raise your standards. Like your standards are what protect your values and your quality of life. Expectations are just a fuel for disaster. So to break it down simply, let's say, because I have sisters, let's say one of my sisters, and they're not because one of them's engaged and one of them's single, but let's say one of them's dating a complete scumbag that cheats on her every single month. And then she's in a relationship complaining about it and complain about the person. So really what she should be doing is saying, if that's not something you want, and this is not the type of person you want, you should ditch that and go for somebody who's not going to do that. Yeah. As opposed to staying and complaining.

100%. I mean, complaining about the person you're with is just useless. Like, I mean, you're choosing this person. It's not them. You're choosing to participate in that relationship. So, you know, relationships are a two-way street. I mean, if somebody is doing X, Y, and Z to you, cheating and betraying you and doing all these things, you're actively participating in that as well. So it's like, you can't just blame your significant other, but, but it's not enough to say you should ditch that and find somebody that is better for you. It starts with, first of all, what do you, what do you even value in life? What's like important to you? Because you can't really set standards for your life. If you don't even know what it is you're, you value. I also think a lot of men and we'll

say men and women run into issues when maybe they get with somebody and let's say, let's just use the example of like an artist, right? They get with an artist and this person's very creative and they're happy with like, you know, maybe they make a base income and then most of the time they spend time doing their art and they're not, they're not super ambitious to go and like create some huge entrepreneurial venture venture and then make a huge amount of money. Like, and they're happy, right? That person is an artist. They're happy with their life. And that's great. Like I'm all for it. I don't think everybody needs to go and make all the, do all these crazy things. Right. But then the, let's say the wife in this scenario is with that person and they're complaining that the person, that that individual

is not going out and doing something crazy. And it's like, you kind of knew what you were signing up for. Right. And I think that I've seen a lot of people get in trouble when they get in a relationship and they think they're going to get with somebody and then they maybe don't reach their financial goals that the one person has that the other person doesn't care about. And then there's a fight. And that could be for men and women. Maybe there's a man that gets with a woman. So how do you deal with that if you're in a relationship? So this is, this is perfect because this is what I like, literally some of the things that we have to focus on and drive down. If we're talking about like sustainable relationships, we talked about values, right? right you know when you are choosing a partner your partner has to have pretty much the same

core values now it doesn't have to be exactly the same but I call values is like the tempo of your life you know there are some people who move at a fast tempo where you're going to need a partner that's going to move at a fast tempo with you. If you're with somebody who, you know, is, moves much slower and because you can tell their values for life, because if I, if you were to list some of the 10 things that you value, I can tell you in a second what matters to you and how fast you move in life. And, you know, you and Lauren, you know, doing this together and everything, you guys have to, and, and having a successful relationship, you guys would have to have some of the same core, if not most of the same core values, personal values can be different, you know, cause that

can be just on, in the stage of life you're in your business or whatever, but core values are really, really important for, you know, when you're trying to find a partner or trying to know, but you need to know what you value. Cause then that's like your core, that's your gauge to see if somebody's going to work out with you. Yeah. You know, a hundred percent. Like if, if, if we weren't both on the same page with like our business goals and you know, she wants to run around in New York like crazy and, and I want to stay home and relax. Like that relationship's not compatible. Right. I think Michael calls it simpatico. Yeah. No, I think you like that word. I love that. And vice versa. If I wanted to just sit around all day and play video games and not do anything, I don't think that that would work. It's nothing, there's nothing wrong with those

two lives, right? Like if that's what you want to do, that's perfect. Just don't get with somebody and then expect to change them and then be upset when they don't. 100%. But let's talk and let's niche down even more. Let's talk about marriage. So say someone's out there and they're married and they've been married for a while and they start to see that the person isn't, you know, who they thought they were. What is your advice there? Okay. Well, for me, marriage, I have a different view of marriage period just because, you know, Andrew and I choose not to be married. And Andrew is your life partner just for everyone that's listening. I just call him my husband because I was telling you that everyone just

thinks I'm a lesbian. If I'm like, oh, my life partner at home, they're like, oh, that's so cute. So for me, marriage to me is just a relationship, a relationship that you're completely invested in. And, you know, with a marriage, there's just other things that are added to it. You know, financially you're building a home together. You're, you know, wanting to have a family together. There's just more to it. The husband's not taking the trash out. Um, so if you're in a marriage and something changes, so just say a relationship, you're in a, like, we'll just say marriage, but something that, you know, you've been with somebody for so many years and they're a great partner, but something happens, you know, what I suggest

is just seeing what happened. You know, I think a lot of people get so sensitive and they go into the victim mindset when something, you know, and this goes into the cheating, which I know that we're probably going to get like a lot of women feel, um, because they've been in like relationships with a guy cheats or their partner cheats. Um, but a lot of times we instantly turn on the victim card, you know, like we had no part of anything, you know, that we, you know, or that we don't know what just happened. So for me, it's looking at life situations. If you've been with somebody for 10 years and then all of a sudden romantically, physically, or just

emotionally, you know, something happened and they're closed off, there would have been several signs to begin with, you know, and there would probably have been either a relationship shift or a life shift or maybe something happened. So did that person just lose their job or did something happen in their family? Did they lose somebody? You know, are you maybe, maybe you don't understand this or are aware of this, but maybe did you shift in some way? Because a lot of times we're not, we don't look at ourselves, but we behave differently.

You know, did you just start a new job? Did you just start a new business? You know, and how are you operating on a day-to-day basis? How are you, you know, what language are you speaking in your relationship? There's so many different factors. I feel like so many people neglect because it's so easy to just to point the finger at why your significant other isn't doing X, Y, and Z instead of being like, okay, what happened? You know, you would do it in a business. So what, did you get a third party involved in that case? Um, yeah, if you literally have no clue, but most of the time, if you sit down with me, I'm going to go back and I'm going

to be like, all right, what's happening in business? What's happening with you? What, what's like something that's changed within you? What kind of routine are you in? What, like, are you starting a new, so there's this thing like right now, all my ladies who are following me, I love they're in the self-help like growth journey. And I love it. We all love it. But what happens is that you're going on this journey and your husband doesn't, isn't on the, it's just like saying, I'm going to start yoga and expect your husband to do yoga with you. And then you're pissed that he doesn't know everything that you're learning from Tony Robbins and you know, all the people that we love, you know, and you're, cause you're growing, but your significant other isn't. And so then you feel like you have hierarchy and that they're not doing anything

with their life instead of, you know, appreciating what they do do in their, in your relationship. And instead of, you know, harping on them for not doing X, Y, and Z and not being on your spiritual and self-help growth path, you know, instead, if they see that it's making you happy and see that you're like being able to contribute in the relationship even more because of these things making you happy, it's just like religion. I mean, like, don't do it if it's not going to make you happy, you know? But so many people go through self, you know, self-help and it's not helping them. It's actually ruining everything around them because they're doing it for the wrong reasons, the wrong reasons. And so, you know,

in order to get somebody on the same page, it's like looking at what maybe you are the one that changed and they haven't. So maybe your personal values are shifted, but how can you kind of guide them in a way without expecting them or forcing them to do everything that you do and, um, and encourage the relationship. Cause if they see it's making you happy and they feel like they're a part of that, then maybe there'll be more inclined to try it. You know, they could just do what I do, which is, um, I never tell him anything. I just trick him to get to the end. No, I just trick him. I get, I put little traps around to get him to the place.

I want him another way. She thinks she's tricking me, but like the other day I came home and I forgot to take the trash out. And then we have a condo. So we have these like carts. Yeah. And so she piled the cart up with the trash right in front of the elevator. So literally I had to like to get to the house, I would have to climb over the trash. So obviously like that is. That's genius.

Oh, it was smart. It worked. It's not like a hint though. But it worked. That's my point. As long as it's efficient and it works. Oh, I'm taking notes. Yeah, I do little things too.

I go, oh, shoes on the carpet again. You know, like how many times do I have to ask to take the shoes off? Anyways, I want to talk about cheating. I have a secret Facebook group and a theme in there is cheaters. Can you recover from a cheater? What's your opinion there? I actually did a recent live like a Facebook live actually it was earlier in the year and my question was can you you know recover from

cheating yes no or maybe and most of my ladies said no and most of them said maybe I think um cheating is just it's just like a many different problems in a relationship. There's so many levels, right? There's so many levels. I think that I'm in the maybe zone. I'm in the maybe. I used to be hell fucking no, you know, but I'm in the maybe. Only because when you start getting into relationships and start getting into real relationships and you start seeing the dynamic and what plays into relationships, then it's really hard to be black and white, you know, for, you know, especially struggles in relationships. You really have to go. It's just like anything else and things that you face in relationships, whether it's like having kids and not spending quality time and all those things. There's a difference though. So if you

are just getting into a relationship with someone, and I do, I get emails like this all the time. I've been dating somebody for six months. I just found out that, you know, he's been hooking up with so many different people and okay, girl, that's like, like that's what the fuck, you know, that's a hard no for me. Like for me, it's like six months down the line, you know, you, it really had nothing to do with him. You chose him because again, going back to, you didn't know what you valued. You didn't know yourself. You didn't own yourself and you didn't raise the standards of your life. And most importantly, what you said, there was not self-awareness in that situation. 100%. Like for me, when I was like in college and

high school, I almost like expect it. Like you can't, you know what I'm saying? You have to be super self-aware with yourself and you have to have standards behavior, you know, like you just have to like for me. And I think this is the thing with people who are visionaries. I think that like you may not know how to get to what you envision for yourself, but you'll know when something comes along when it's like, eh, no, you know, so somebody will like message you just, just recently, like something for business. And you're like, nope, that's not going to work for me. Because you already know, you already know, you're very clear about the vision. It may not, you may not have all the

steps right away, but when it comes in front of you, you know, it's, it ain't going to work. But what happens is we get in relationships with people and we think that we're going to fix them, you know, or that we're the one. And, you know, a lot of people talk about it and I know it sounds cliche, but at the same time, it's like you're getting in relationships with people that you already instinctively know it has a pattern for being the way they are. But something in you is saying is disregarding the intuition that you have, you know, and where the trust and the confidence comes is when that intuition comes up, you're trusting it and saying, yeah, not going to deal, not going to deal with you. I have this thing that I've done since I was literally 10 years old. And I just thought of

a name for it. It's called meh. And so meh is what I've done in relationships my entire life. I think this is attributed to my dad. I hope he's not listening, having a lot of girlfriends. And I saw like the way he kind of treated them. Um, and you know, he's listening. I know he probably is. Guy's always tuned in. Well, meh is like, I always kind of acted like indifferent to men. Like, meh, I could take it or leave it with you. And it's always really worked. For some reason, I see a lot when a woman leans too much in, the guy leans out.

And when the woman leans out, the guy leans in. You want, and thank you so much for saying that. Because what you want is both of you leaning in. Like what happens is that, you know, what I said before is you become like we're becoming chameleons, like we're just changing ourselves just to fit, you know, the mold of somebody, you know, that we want to be with. I haven't been a chameleon for you, have I? Yeah, I don't think that's the exact opposite. You know, for me with cheating, I think like you said, like if's six months and right away it's happening, that should be an indicator.

At this point, the reason cheating for me is like a deal breaker at this point is not because I'm sitting on my high horse and I have these high morals. At this point, I would rather like if you lose interest in someone or you want to be with somebody else, I would rather Lauren come to me and say, listen, like, this is how I feel. We trust each other. We've known each other a very long time. Like we love each other on this level. And just straight up, tell me what I, where I can't, where I can't get past the cheating is when you're trying to sneak around. So I look at it as like, you know, when I'm doing business deal with any of my friends, like if I'm not like, if I'm not going to fuck them over, you know, I'm not going to fuck my wife over, but if they want to go and do a different deal, they got to say, hey, you know, this deal is not working for me anymore. And I would respect that. I would respect that more than someone sneaking around.

I think sometimes people like it's a it's a cowardly thing to do instead of just being like, you know what? I'm over this and I need to go do something else. Oh, my God. I'm thank you so much. I've like that's my number one for me personally, you know, but those are the conversations that you have. Those are the standards that you have. Um, for me, that's not everyone's standards though. And there are relationships like, okay, you, you're, you're in a relationship for maybe 20 years, you know, for me and like going back, that's exactly how I see it. I said, if you're willing to do that to your significant other, I don't know if I want to partner with you or do anything with you. If I see how you handle like your ethics, I mean, there's so many people

in my life that I'm like, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Because as soon as I see how you operate and those are just not my standards, it's just, but that's on all levels, especially, you know, with a business so close to home, it's very personal, you know, so I don't want that kind of energy around me. But as like a coach and like helping women, it's seeing, again, what has happened in the relationship, you know. So there, if you go into deep, deep relationships, 20 years, you know, into a relationship, you know, there were so many different factors that could have happened, you know, where both of them were disconnected. And one of the things that I've learned

is that most people, most good people who are in love, like love their wife or the wife loves their man, most of the time they're not cheating for a lack of love. They're cheating for a lack of needs. Now, that's why in the beginning, it's really important that you guys have this clear communication and you're speaking what it is that you want. Andrew and you guys have

been together forever, but like Andrew and I've been together for seven years and I've changed my needs a million times. Like, I mean, I'm constantly like having to communicate what it is that I want. What's a given example of a couple of needs. Okay. So in the beginning, like who we were versus now is completely different. Like, and we've done so much growth and all that stuff, but like, just say like intimately, you know, how before, you know, when we started, it was like, you know, you may have been more driven sexually where you're just like, let's get it on, like, whatever it's, you know, now as you, you know, when you're, you're devoting so much energy to something like, especially like business or you have work or maybe you have kids, you know when you're you're devoting so much energy to something like especially like

business or you have work or maybe you have kids you know all of your energy has been take is being taken out and like given to other people so then maybe intimacy is a little bit different so maybe I need him to touch me a different way maybe I need him to clean up and like he's a fucking mess but um but may so when I know that he wants to like have an adult meeting, he's already clean. Like I'm, I'm, he's like shoving things underneath the bed and like hiding everything and lighting candles. And I'm like, I already, I still know where everything is. Like you didn't clean anything, but like to him, you know, he knows I'm becoming more sensually wired, which is completely different, you know? So how, you know, being sexually wired, which most men are where it's like, you know, you can get on anytime and

doesn't essentially wired is I need to kind of, I need to kind of regroup. Like I need something to, I need to take my mind off. So for me to get off working, you know, and then just hop in bed is not going to work. You know, they got to do a little foreplay, put some fucking effort into it. But not all women are like that. So vice versa, right? Like it's gotta be both ways. Both people have to initiate, you know, and there's going to be times here's going back to, you know, you know, the needs and the relationship and why it's important to communicate those needs. And Hey, you know what, this is the stage of life we're in. We're traveling a lot or we're, you know, we have kids to raise and like, this is where our energy is going. How are you? Like,

what's up? You know, what is it that you need? Like, how do you want to be touched? How do you want it? Like, when is that easy of a conversation to you? Like you have other, you have more important conversations about everything in life, but everybody makes sex so taboo. Like your needs like are so important in an intimate relationship. Like if you don't have intimacy, what do you have, you know? And so for me, it's like, you know, relationships are all about, you know, your light and your dark, you know, your light is you working towards your vision. And, you know, if you do have kids, you guys raising kids or like running a business and like being there for each other

emotionally, that's the light. But the dark people forget, like that's what your intimate relationship is. That's where you can like, you feel trusting and vulnerable of expressing like your desires, you know, and being, you know, you like using the darkness of you to be sexy and to be free and to be vibrant and doing all those things. And so many people just push the darkness to the side. So when I say go back, you know, not making cheating so black and white, and this is just for the couples where I feel like there is love in a relationship, but something happened, that's when it's like you got to take a look at like how are you manifesting and how are you participating in the light and the dark?

You guys got the light covered, but your significant other cheated for the dark, you know? And so there's a different conversation. And so do I like, is that my standard in a relationship? No. You know, you're allowed to say it's a hard no, you know, that's, and that's communicating to your spouse in the beginning, like, no. And I think that you just have to give a reason why it's a hard no. Yeah. Like, I think a lot of people would understand the reason for me, it's a hard no, is it's not because like people would understand the reason for me it's a hard no is it's not because like oh you're with somebody else and i'm jealous yeah well you would be jealous but okay of course you'd be jealous but that's not the that's a secondary reason like the prime reason is that i would hope that after this long somebody would have like lauren in this

example it has to do with respect would have enough respect for me to come to me and say hey this is what's going on this how i'm feeling and not go around my back because, you gotta see, you gotta think like how that makes the other person feel. And for me, like I would never want to put someone in that position. I would much rather have someone say, Hey, you know what? This is where I'm at. You can't get mad at somebody or pissed off at somebody if, if their feelings change, like that, that has nothing to do with anything but themselves. Obviously it has to do with the partner, but you can't say like, you have to love me or you have to want to be with me. Like, if it's cold, it's cold. And if it's not working anymore, you can't force somebody to change and want you if it's, if it's just not working, it's just better to just have the conversation. Hey,

you know, I'm not happy anymore. I want to go do something else. And that's what it is. But people find, um, that kind of conversation is like life or death. Like we're, we're in a, I, I think for us especially, cause I think that we're also, it takes like, we're going back to the self-awareness and the trust, right? I have standards, like I'm very clear about them and I don't care who you are. Like you'll know how I operate, you know? And I, and you might get your feelings hurt or not or whatever. But at the same time that, and I think we all have that in common where in a relationship, it's no different. Like, it's like, Hey, Andrew, this is what I want, you know? And cause I know I deserve it.

Can you do it or not? And I think that, and it's the same thing for him. So getting into a relationship is saying, this is what I want. This is what I, how I want to be treated. And it's saying, are you up to the task or not? Like, it's not a big deal if you're not. I'm going to pull out my scroll today. I don't think that hurts people's feelings though. No, no. I think that when someone's that upfront and that clear about something, there's really no room for feelings to get hurt because you're like, okay, this is what this person's about. This is what

they want. This is what they're telling me is the right way to do it. And if that's not going to work for the other person, it's like, okay, at least they told me, I think people get their feelings hurt when someone's not upfront and they go into something and all of a sudden they're like, wait a minute, this is different than what I thought it was. Yeah. Um, but go ahead, go ahead. But like, take it back into a relationship in 20 years, like, you know, somebody who's been with somebody for 20 years and you, I mean, there's so many couples on TV that you can take any example from, okay. And something happened and somebody cheated and there's a betrayal in the relationship and whatever. Um, I know that you said that, like, that shouldn't be something that, uh, hurts your feelings, you know, but

what's happened is when I start seeing and dissecting relationships, I love it. That's like my passion. I like look at people and I'm like, what happens is that there was a breakdown in communication, you know? So whether it was, you know, somebody expressing their needs and desires and being like, you know, scolded for it. Because if somebody is coming to you, if you don't own yourself and you don't know what your partner wants sexually, like let's just own yourself and you don't know what your partner wants sexually, like let's just use sex and, and, um, you know, the dark needs, if, if you don't

own yourself and own what you want, and you guys didn't have that communication, you guys aren't open to talk about the taboo. I don't even know why it's taboo, but like talking about those things, him expressing, you know, what he wants and his desires are going to be like, oh my God, I can't believe you think like that. I can't believe you like, that's so gross. That's so dirty. So you're already being scolded and judged. And so, and I think that we at some level, and I think all couples do this at some level, not to that extent, but there's like tiny, and I call this tiny, like mini betrayals throughout the relationship that, you know, focusing on somebody who like finally cheated, you aren't looking at the mini betrayals that

you were doing that left him or her not feeling that she can trust herself and what she wanted, you know, or he wanted. And because like, you know, in some way there was judgment for it. And so, you know, when you look at that, that's the gray, you know, that's the gray. And sometimes can you recover from it? That it's just up to the couple. Like for me, you know, and us like being clear with what our hard no's are, you know, it, but you know, knowing a couple.

Basically got to recognize the bends in the river, make sure you're not heading towards a waterfall. Yeah. It's so unique to each couple. And if, and if you are going to repair something like that, um, it takes you participating fully and not, you know, like a lot of people trying to, they say they're forgiving their spouse for cheating, but yet hold it against them all the time. Yeah. If you forgive somebody, then you got to move on or your mannerisms show that you're not forgiving them. Um, so I was

listening to this amazing episode that the Tony Robbins podcast put out and it was a Tony and I think her name was Esther, but I'm not. Esther Perel. Am I right on that? Yes. Okay. And they said, and I just would love to know your take on this. Um, she said she's a relationship expert. She said that cheating actually has nothing to do with the significant other. It has to do with yourself. Yeah. Does that have to do with the significant other. It has to do with yourself. Does that have to do with confidence? Does that have to do with value, self-awareness? What do you think that she means by that? Well, desire. Like she talks a lot about desire. And so what your goal is, is to remember, I talked about the light and the dark. Your goal is to like combine your light and dark. Know when you guys got to manage life and be there emotionally

and know when you guys have to integrate your desires and like be, you know, really spontaneous and dark and like, you know, express like what you're feeling in that moment and like let intimacy flow. Her thing is, you know, going back to what I, you know, a lot of people cheating is not a lack of love. It's mostly, yeah, if you go back to them, yeah, of course, but their desire. And what happens is they're not communicating their desires in a relationship for a multitude of reasons. But Esther Perel is one of, she's a genius. She's super smart.

So articulate. And she is somebody I learned from. And I love like just watching her speak because she kind of shines a light on adultery and cheating in a way where people, it was so taboo to now it's like understanding, but it's not even understanding why people cheat and saying that it's okay. It's understanding a core need and you're a human being, you know? And so, and with that we have desires. And so her thing is like, what can you learn from cheating? It's like having the conversation before it gets to the point of cheating. Yeah. And shining at just a different light, because the truth is if it's

not just about the person who cheated, obviously it is. I mean, it's not right, but at the same time, um, maybe the other, the significant other wasn't honoring their dark either, you know? So it's maybe shining a light and maybe it's an opportunity, you know? So she looks at cheating for some relationships as an opportunity for you to own your darkness, but that all just comes back to situational. So situational, which is why it's so great. There's people like you out there. Cause it is situational. It is. Do I, would it be situational for me? I don't know. I don't think so. Like for me, I have the same belief, you know, for me and I'm very clear about my standards and I'm very, but you know, for every single person they have a right. So when I did

that live and I was like, is it okay to cheat? Like, is it excusable? And everyone's like, yes, no, maybe. All of those answers are right. Right. Whatever your standards are for the relationship is your standard for the relationship. Whatever your breaking point is, the line in the sand, you need to know it and you need to own it. And your partner needs to be clear, but also take responsibility for the things that you're doing in the relationship and how you're showing up. What I like about you a lot and why I'm so attracted to you is that you're very, you have this nonjudgmental, um, I don't, uh, air about you. And I just love that you, you get so many people that, you know, maybe are coaches and sometimes you feel judged with you. I just feel like it's like, there's no judgment

and you leave that at the door, which is really cool. Thank you. I want you to speak a little bit because I know, you know, that you have your, I don you to speak a little bit because I know, you know, that you have your, I don't want to say friends, but you know, Tony, I don't know if you're friends with him, but you know, Tony Robbins pretty well. What's something that you've learned from him that you apply? Cause he's like such the ultimate coach to your own business. Oh my God. I wish I was friends with him. I feel like you kind of are though. No, no, we're not friends, but like I know, uh, barely. Okay. Okay. If that, um, no, I, we did, you know, we traveled with him a lot, like with the group. Um, and it was like the best experience of our lives. Um, I wouldn't say that he knows me, but maybe,

maybe by face. Um, I love him so much and he is, he's the ultimate coach, um, in a way where when I was younger growing up, um, I don't know, like going through a lot of the hardships. Like my mom was a young mom. Uh, she had me like, she was pregnant with me at 17, had me at 18. Um, and she had a lot of anger because of things that happened to her. And so there was like a lot of emotional and physical abuse. And I have a mixed family. I have a very mixed family. So my sister's black, my stepsister and my stepbrother, they're black and Thai.

So like my whole, like I have the United Nations in my family, like every race. What I loved is that, you know, I used to go like going through like the hardships and trying to figure out why, you know, why I was in that situation. I would see people at school and I'd be like, Oh, you guys have such a great life. Like, and I tried so hard to be normal. Like what I loved about Tony, the first time I saw him, I remember on TV, I was 12. Wow. And what I loved about him was that he got like he gets it and I think that not many people get it not many people are able to build you know be relatable and especially like for me it's like we grew up poor so it's like and he knows how to communicate to so many different types of people I'm gonna bring this

full circle right now he's non-judgmental just like you. He is nonjudgmental. Yeah. And he's very... Just like you. Thank you. I didn't put that together until I answered the question. I'm kind of proud of myself for that. And also, but from our brief interactions of watching him, it's like, but he has very high standards. Yeah. Just like you. But just like you. You know, his whole story is really inspiring because it's it's again it's you know he came from hardship and then he just created something from his like going back to what you said you can sit and complain or you can do something about it and he talks about he was in the middle of complaining and then he figured out like what the fuck am I doing like let me just

do something about it and he changed the game and I think that like going through the hardships with my mom, by the way, I love my mom and I are best friends. And she, you know, she had to go through her whole growth. And I know a lot of people can't get there with their parents. But I feel like when you just step outside of the story a little bit, you can see things more clear. Like when you're in the story, you're so focused on what people are doing to you and how they're doing it and like what you wouldn't do that if you just step out and you see that people are human and like they

all have their own insecurities and their own you know issues and that it has nothing to do with you then you're able to like see things more clearly and then you're able to be more free so for me it was divorcing the story with my mom and making it like that it was about me. No, my mom struggled, you know, emotionally. She, you know, had some things happen to her. And like, you know, once I got out of it, I just took myself out of the story. Then I was able to like actually have a good relationship with her, you know, and actually understand her and through her, you know, and I think Tony does that so well. And, you know, my sister is a hard ass, you know, and actually understand her and through her, you know, and, and I think Tony

does that so well. And, you know, my sister is a hard ass, you know, she's, her father was never in her life, you know, we have different dads, but her father was never in her life. And she just is so like, I just love her so much. She's such a hard ass, you know, that taking her to a traditional therapist and having her sit down with somebody and having her talk about her life story and all these things, she would just look at them and tell them to fuck themselves. So what do you do with someone like that? So what I would love about Tony is that he's able to relate to them. And break through. Yeah. And that's what relationships are. Your ability to relate. So you guys master relationships every

day because running a business, you know, engaging with your followers, knowing what they are, your ability to relate. So you guys master relationships every day because running a business, you know, engaging with your followers, knowing what they want, that's all mastering the art of relationships. That's how you relate in the world. And so what I love about him is he's able to do that. For Shante and for people like my sister, Shante, my thing is just finding what it is that, that, that is really important to them, you know, and finding, you know, what, when you understand what matters to them, you have leverage. So here's two, two things. One, I would say, and this is just a touch on what we were talking about earlier.

I've seen people from all walks of life, right? Poor, rich, you know, everything. I've seen all walks of life completely fucked up. I've seen all walks of life completely fucked up, and I've seen all walks of life completely successful. So for me, I think it comes down to the individual and what they want to do. I don't think you can use the excuse of where you come from. I think it's where you end up and where you want to go. And then on the second part, in terms of relationships and mastering relationships, my take on that is if you want to have a meaningful relationship, whether it's with a significant other, a business partner,

a friend, an audience, it's always give more than you ask, right? Like it's always that 51 49 formula. It's like, if I'm in a relationship, I want to give that person more than I ask. Always. If I'm in a business relationship, I want to give that person more than I ask. I'd love a back rub tonight. You get back rubs all the time. But the thing is, I think it's the people that are either making excuses or waiting for the world to come to them and wait. Like, you know, like when those people get in relationships, they're like, well, this person has to do this for me before I do this for them. Yeah.

And it's like, no, why don't you try doing something first, giving first and see what happens? Because most of the time it works. And giving without expectation. 100%. Just do it because it's a part of you. And if you're doing it for an expectation, you're doing it either, obviously not a strong enough why.

Anything that you create in life, it's like you have enough to give. You don't need to expect anything in return. Doing something for another person and them not doing anything back is okay. You're going to live. It's going to be just fine. Before we go, what's one book that the audience can read that you think is just really life changing? Or a resource. Yeah. Or a resource. Okay. So we mentioned Esther Perel for those of like the ladies who are in a long term relationship and are struggling with cheating. But an easy book that is like literally my go-to for everyone who

is the five love languages by Gary Chapman. Because, you know, we go back to everybody thinks that communication is key for a sustainable relationship. Well, everyone communicates differently, you know? So everyone thinks talking is a way of communicating. Well, you know, Andrew is not a talker. Like he's very introvert. So how I communicate with him is very different. And just understanding how they operate, like how your spouse operates, how they communicate, how they, you know, how they feel loved and what, you know, understanding that helps you have a better communication, you know, like, and a lot of people just feel like I'm always talking to my husband.

He just never listens to me or I tell him to do X, Y, and Z. He never listens to me. But that's maybe that's not how he listens, you know, like, and a lot of people just feel like I'm always talking to my husband. He just never listens to me or I tell him to do X, Y, and Z. He never listens to me, but that's maybe that's not how he listens, you know? And so it's just, I think that book is, it's such an easy read, especially for, um, you know, modern people who are just on the go and like they're, what are the five, five love languages off your top of your head or no. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. So there's, yeah. Physical touch. There's deeds of service. Like, so you're doing things, um, gifts. There's, um, verbal or no words, words of words of affirmation validation or whatever. And what's the last one? I can't, I can't remember. I'll leave it in the show notes. I'll leave it in the show notes. That's a great book. I have not read it, but I've

heard a lot of people say it's amazing. I meant that's a great book recommendation. Yeah. I'm going to go pick it up. It's so good. And it's quick to read. So it's like, you know, for anybody who I can't, you know, recommend like big books to people, like it's just not going to be, especially things that are just so, you know, there's a lot of relationship coaches out there and stuff like that. But I like people who are just straight to the point and make it very relatable for people like who aren't in the world, you know. Really, really good. But it sounds like a lot of this, a lot of what we've talked about is really looking inward before you can look outward. Yeah.

And fixing things that are going on with yourself or maybe not fixing things, but addressing things, realizing things. You know, an intimate relationship is, and all relationships, but specifically intimate, it's a mirror of who you are, you know, and we don't like it sometimes. And so we make it about the other person. And so what I say for any, anything, you can be single right now listening to this, you know, how you operate out in the world and your fulfillment in life is how well you're mastering who you are and like how you're owning yourself, going back to the confidence and trust. If you don't know what matters to you, what like, you're not going to have like quality relationships around you, you know? So if you know what matters to you, you're going to have the right people in your life, your inner circle, you're going to have, you know, and this doesn't

even have to be intimate. Just like you're going to have like friendships that cater to that ultimate vision. You know, you're going to have partnerships that cater to that ultimate vision, but you got to know where you are. And I think that that starts with knowing what you value. Where can everyone find your fabulous videos and your podcast where you talk about all this and more? Yes. Uh, the ladies coach.com and your Instagram handle ladies coach.com. Okay. And she has a podcast. You have a YouTube channel. I'll leave everything in the show notes and we'll certainly give you a good intro. Is there anywhere else if someone wants to email you, how can they contact you? Well, they can follow me on Snapchat. Perfect. So at Crystal Fuentes. And I heard you're great

on Snapchat from multiple people. Oh, really? Yeah. Bless. Yeah. We'll link everything in the show notes. And you do a great Instagram live, I have to say. I love it. Thank you. Crystal, we'll be back. I'm trying to learn from you. Yeah. Oh God. Have a glass of champagne. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Guys, just a few things before you take off. Do you want a short, cute, fun, flirty email from me? Tipsy Thursday is a quick email with lots of value that includes five tips from me. Last week's was all about sex, so this is like a very fun, spicy newsletter. It also includes my favorite song of the week, show, book, wellness tip, random tricks, and lots of easy beauty tips. It's super short,

pretty, and just a little TSC aperitif for you. To check it out, just go to theskinnyconfidential.com and click Lauren Everett's and then subscribe, drop your email in the box and you will get the next one, which goes out on Thursday. Happy reading. Secondly, as always giveaway time to win a TSC meal plan. Simply tell me your favorite part of this episode with crystal on my latest Instagram. And lastly, as always, if you guys write and review the podcast, please screenshot it and email it to ask Lauren at the the skinnyconfidential.com and we will send you my five top beauty hacks straight to your inbox. Thank you guys always for your attention.

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