The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - #120: Dr. Michael Gervais - Positive Self Talk, Therapy, Success & Failure, Meditation, & Coaching Top Performers
Episode Date: June 26, 2018On this episode we are joined by Dr. Michael Gervais. On this show we talk positive self talk, therapy, success and failure, meditation and what it takes to be a coach to some of the most successful ...performers in the world. We also have some special announcements at the start of the show so be sure to tune in and listen for those. To learn more about Dr. Michael Gervais click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by FOUR SIGMATIC We have been drinking this company's mushroom-infused elixirs and coffees for over a year now. When we need a break from coffee but still need that extra morning jolt and focus the Mushroom Coffee with Lion's Mane and Chaga is the way to go. Lauryn also drinks the Mushroom Matcha which is a green tea designed as a coffee alternative for those of you who want to cut back on caffeine without losing focus and cognitive boosts. This stuff doesn't actually taste like mushrooms, it's delicious. All of these blends have a ton of nutrients and amino acids to give you balanced energy without the jitters. To try FOUR SIGMATIC products go to foursigmatic.com/skinny and use promo code SKINNY for 15% off all products. This episode is brought to you by Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning space offering more than 20,000 courses. Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners: Get two months of Skillshare for just 99 cents. That’s right, Skillshare is offering The Skinny Confidential listeners two months of unlimited access to over 20,000 classes for just 99 cents. To sign up, go to www.skillshare.com/skinny.Â
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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
This episode is brought to you by Four Sigmatic, one of our favorite companies.
So we interviewed the founder, Taro, on our show and had to bring the brand on board as a partner.
Four Sigmatic specializes in superfoods, medicinal mushrooms, and adaptogenic herbs.
They also make drinking mushrooms and superfoods delicious and easy to do with their mushroom
coffees, mushroom super blends, and their mushroom elixirs. If you're looking for a coffee alternative to switch up your caffeine
intake, Four Sigmatic has the blends for you. They're all delicious. Just open a pack and add
it to hot water. You can even throw the little packets in your handbags. They don't taste like
mushrooms. And like always, we have a special offer for all TSC him and her listeners. Go to foursigmatic.com forward slash
skinny and enter promo code skinny at checkout for 15% off your entire order. This episode is
also brought to you by Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning space offering more than
20,000 courses. I am currently using the platform to learn After Effects, which is the platform that
creates all of our Instagram story motion graphics, as well as Lauren's motion graphics, and YouTube introductions and slide-ins.
This is a tool for brands and individuals to acquire new skills or take novice skills to an
expert level. Think of it as the Netflix for learning skills. So join the millions of students
already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners. Get two
months of Skillshare for just 99 cents.
That's right. Skillshare is offering the Skinny Confidential listeners two months of unlimited
access to over 20,000 classes for just 99 cents. I don't know how you beat that. To sign up,
go to Skillshare.com slash Skinny. Again, go to Skillshare.com slash Skinny to start your two
months of learning now at Skillshare.com slash skinny. Let's get into the show.
She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur.
A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the
ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to theidential, him and her.
We're plagued by what other people think of us.
And it's time.
We're fatigued by it.
We're overrun by it.
We're running our systems into the ground.
We're literally, you've heard of FOMO?
Yeah.
Fear of other people missing out.
You've heard of YOLO?
You only heard once.
So I'm going to introduce a new one to you guys.
Okay. I think this is at the center of one of the great ailments of modern men and women is
FOPO, fear of other people's opinions.
And so it is time that we switch the model that I need to do more to be more.
And the thought that I need to do extraordinary things to be extraordinary is broken.
Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential Him and Her Show.
If you are new to the show, thank you for joining. That clip was from our guest of the show today,
Michael Gervais. On this episode, we have a few new announcements to make. We discuss positive
self-talk, therapy, success and failure, meditation, and what it takes to be a coach to some of the
most successful performers in the world. I am Michael Bostic. I am a businessman and entrepreneur,
now a podcaster. Well, actually, I've been a podcaster now for, how many episodes have we
done now? 120? 130? I don't keep count. And then we count the ones that we've done with others as
well. I feel like you have like a whiteboard with a tally that you keep track of. I mean,
it's a lot now. If you get to the hundred mark, it's a lot. You love numbers. Don't forget to
introduce yourself. I'm Michael's wife, Lauren Everett. I am
the creator of the Skinny Confidential. She's my sidekick here. A sidekick. You got a sidekick.
And today we're getting real with Michael. I'm excited for this episode. All right, let's get
to the announcements. So we have some new announcements to make. And I think Lauren
touched a little bit on it last week on the show. We are now moving our show into six episodes per month starting in July. Every other Thursday we'll
release another episode. It's not a mini episode. It's not a bonus episode. It's an actual episode.
We wanted to do more solo stuff, more call-ins, more listener questions. As many of you know,
this show originated and started with listener questions so we wanted to really integrate that again into the show nothing half-assed either
we're not like michael said it's going to be full episodes so you guys just listened to my solo
episode last week michael's going to do one i think his first one up is going to be on podcasting
and then we're going to be doing like he said some episodes together so i would love to hear
what you guys want to hear on these extra two episodes a month.
So let me know on my latest Instagram. Yeah. I mean, we love the interviews and we're going to
continue to interview, but in hopes of also still connecting with the audience outside of interviews
and providing content ourselves, we wanted to up it to six per month. So we can look forward to
that. And to get you guys more involved in the show, we have a new feature and that is the Skinny
Confidential, him and her hotline, both very excited about it.
A hotline.
That is so vintage in the best way.
Well, you know what's funny is the new studio, the Dear Media studio has call-in capabilities,
Skype capabilities, has like screens so you can see things, all that stuff.
But a lot of the times with podcasting and with everyone's schedules, it's not practical
because we don't have a set live date for our shows.
Like it doesn't, you know, it's not like if you're listening to Howard Stern,
you tune in every morning from like 9am Eastern time to one, but we don't do that. We record them
on the go a lot of times. So the new phone line, you can call in, you need to leave your name,
your city, your state, an optional social handle. And like, you can either leave a question or a
comment and we can, you know, have a, it's know have a there's a chance that'll be featured on the show if you guys want to call in the number is
1-833-SKINNYS that's s-k-i-n-n-y-s that's easy to remember right make sure you leave your instagram
handle too so we can shout you out yeah and we also have a new podcast site coming soon which
will showcase all the show notes and we're keeping more organized and a new podcast email newsletter, which will keep everybody up to date. So a lot of new stuff
going on. Very excited. Speaking of announcements, I also have to tell you guys about the mushroom
hot cacao mix that I've been drinking at night to help me relax. It's by Four Sigmatic. So Four
Sigmatic, we're obsessed. Okay. If you've been listening to our recent episodes,
you know how much we love this line of products from one of our favorite Finnish entrepreneurs.
Granted, we don't know that many Finnish entrepreneurs, but if you heard the episode,
it's episode 116, or as Michael would say, 116, with Four Sigmatic founder Taro.
Okay. So let's talk about the brand. They have so many unbelievable products
and Michael and I both take them. We take different ones from the line. Michael has been taking them
for a couple of years now, and I just got introduced to the hot comics and I can't stop.
So what they are is they're these mushroom based elixirs that you pour into hot water. They're in
these tiny little packets that you can throw in your clutch, super quick, efficient. The products are so much more cost-effective than a cup of coffee,
okay? And I feel like they give you that zing, just like a cup of coffee does. So for just 15
bucks, you can get a pack of 10 or 20, which is awesome. Each pack makes a cup. So like I said,
there are these tiny little packets. Four Sigmatic makes different types of medicinal mushrooms into blends that each have different functions. So all different
functions. There are blends for focus. They have ones for sleep. That's my favorite. They have
blends to replace your morning coffee, Michael's favorite. Blends for gut health and blends to
relax and combat anxiety. And trust me when I say they really work, if you don't believe me,
go back to episode 116.
So each of these mushroom blends include a ton of beneficial amino acids and adaptogens.
We talk about amino acids all the time on the Skinny Confidential.
I am such a fan of them.
I feel like a lot of people are missing them in their diet.
So this is a good way to get them.
You don't get caffeine jitters too when you have the caffeine one, which I really love.
But my favorite, like I said, I have to shout this out because I know you guys are going to
like this one, is the mushroom hot cacao mix. It helps me relax at the end of the night.
You could also do, if you're more of a matcha person, the mushroom matcha, and this one's
going to be more for productivity. And then they also have a golden latte mushroom mix for beauty.
If you're a golden milk fan, you'll like this one.
If you're wondering, it doesn't taste like mushrooms, so don't worry.
But it does give you all the nutritional benefits from mushrooms.
It tastes really, really good.
And you can always add some coconut or unsweetened almond milk to the situation.
So check them out.
Go to foursigmatic.com.
That's F-O-U-R-S-I-G-M-A-T-I-C.com slash skinny and enter
promo code skinny for 15% off. Again, go to foursigmatic.com slash skinny and enter promo
code skinny for 15% off. I can no longer live without the mushroom coffee mix with the cordyceps
and chaga. I drink it every day now. One more announcement to make that
we're all pretty excited to make, and it comes from the Dear Media realm. I can't tell you guys
too much yet, but I wanted to give this audience particularly, not the audience that lives on the
social channels, but the ones that we know tune into the podcast every week, the first opportunity
to look for this when we make the announcement next week. Lauren and I will be doing one of our
first live events. We're very selective with live. As you guys know, we have never done one yet for
this podcast and we're getting ready to announce next week. We have a really, really badass guest
lined up and it's going to be an amazing event. There will be champagne. There will be champagne,
yes. So look out for that next week and make sure that you tune in right away
when that announcement's made because the spots are very limited. Okay. And the final announcement
for the show today, let's talk about skills. Who wants to learn some new skills? Who needs to step
up their game? We have the answer for you. And that answer is Skillshare. This is one of our
favorite platforms for figuring out how to use new skills. They are basically the Netflix of learning with over 20,000 online courses taught
by people like you and me, you and Lauren, whoever. Taylor and I learned how to use Adobe After Effects,
which is how we create all of our motion graphics and Insta stories. If you follow Lauren's Insta
account and you see all those crazy graphics or you follow mine, this was from After Effects and
we use Skillshare to help us learn. They also use Lauren's motion graphics for her YouTube videos. The class I took is Adobe
After Effects getting started with motion graphics by Evan Abrams. You guys should check it out
and check that out if you're interested in learning the program. Guys, this is insane because they have
a ton of other courses on design. So think Photoshop, photography,
flat lays, Instagram, and tons of situations for creatives. They have business courses on marketing
and how to build personal brands using new technology and much more. The class that I
think that you guys should check out is by Chaz Langley. And he does this class on Snapseed. Okay. If you don't know what
Snapseed is, you guys need this, especially if you're an influencer or blogger. And Chaz gives
this whole class, it's called Snapseed, the only photo editing app you need. Why I like this class
is because it teaches you about all the functions of Snapseed. Okay. You're going to learn how to
brighten, crop, all the different things that you can do to filter your image.
I mean, there's even ways that you can take stuff out of your image.
So let's say you have a really pretty Instagram photo that you want to post, but there's like a guy in the background.
You can just delete that guy and have like a clear, crisp background.
Anyway, I love Skillshare because it's really for anyone that's trying to better themselves.
You guys know I'm about creating a strategic future by design, and this will help. You can get better at your job or even
your own professional skillset, like sharpen it, you know? So join the millions of students already
learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for our listeners. Get two months of
Skillshare for just 99 cents. That's right, guys. Skillshare is offering the Skinny Confidential, him and her
listeners, two months of unlimited access to over 20,000 classes for just 99 cents. To sign up,
go to Skillshare.com slash Skinny. Again, that's Skillshare.com slash Skinny to start two months
of learning now. Make sure you check out Snapseed. That video is awesome. That's Skillshare.com slash
Skinny. Okay, so let's That's Skillshare.com slash skinny.
Okay, so let's get ready to get into the interview. There are a lot of people that
call themselves coaches in 2018. It seems everyone is some type of coach, Lauren,
lifestyle coach, business coach, social media coach, influencer coach. You never know who to
trust. So we wanted to interview someone who had some deep credentials to back up what coaching
really is. And when we found out about Michael Gervais,
we knew he would be a great place to start.
This guy has the credentials.
He has coached some of the world's top performers
and has the clientele to back him up.
Dr. Michael Gervais is a high-performance psychologist
who's worked with some of the best in the world,
including Olympians, internationally acclaimed artists,
musicians, and MVPs from every major sport
and Fortune 100 companies. He's a published author and speaker as well as the host of
Finding Mastery podcast. He was also in Tim Ferriss' book too, which is awesome.
With that, let's get into this high-octane conversation with Mr. Michael Gervais.
This is The Skinny Confidential, him and her. I was born in Virginia, grew up on a farm, and it was a mix between my parents trying to sort out and figure out who they're going to be.
So it was a hippie era.
And they just wanted to get away from the city.
And so when they got away from the city, they went to this really kind of remote area called Warrington.
And I remember like we didn't have running water and sometimes during the winters.
And so we had to heat up our water and go to a well.
And so there's some of that stuff.
I was chopping wood at the age of eight.
What were they thinking, putting an eight-year-old with an axe together?
And so it was me figuring out the land, me figuring out nature, me figuring out how to navigate in that space.
And parents were active, but more laissez-faire. So there were not a lot of rules
and the rules were really governed by nature.
And so the consequences when you play with nature
is that there's swift responses.
So you figured out some stuff about yourself
and how you work in the ecosystem of the world.
And that's where I started.
It was great.
It was a wonderful environment.
So would you say you had a lot of interaction
with other kids or was it a lot of isolation in nature?
Like how did that affect you?
Yeah, it sounds like I'm like, I don't know, long hair, didn't shower.
You know, no, no, it wasn't like that at all.
And so I have a younger sister.
So there was not a lot of kids in the neighborhood.
There was a family across the way.
And I mean, we weren't that close, but that was the kids were a little
bit older. And so we had a couple of kids over there that we play with, but it was more of a
school environment where the most of the social engagement came from. So when do you start
studying the mind? Like, how do you, how do you even get into that? Make the transition from
farm boy to I'm going to go into psychology. Well, okay. So my dad got a job in corporate
America that challenged him to leave, you know, as a growth opportunity.
And he came to California.
And so imagine this hick,
this hillbilly kid,
you know,
and I didn't have the same clothes.
I didn't have the same,
anything,
the same bicycles,
the same experiences.
I show up to California and it was way cooler.
It was a different world.
And so I got the roots.
It feels like I got roots from the farm.
And then I came to the city.
And I was still in love with what nature had to teach and what it felt to be in nature.
And so there was an interesting transition phase.
And I figured out that my parents made some decisions about the family structure that caused me to figure out transition.
So I was moved in the middle of grades often. And so middle of ninth
grade, who moves their kid in the middle of ninth grade? So it was ninth grade, the middle of,
it was like four or five different transitions. I think I moved in sixth grade, third grade,
and in kindergarten or something. I can't remember the early one, but there was like four or five
transitions. So I figured out transitions relatively well. But the way that I figured out transitions as a kid is that I was anxious.
So looking back, I had an anxious way about me.
And then how do young men deal with anxiety?
Violence, probably.
Yeah.
So I don't know how many fistfights you've been in.
A lot.
Yeah.
A whole different podcast.
Yeah, it's not cool, right?
And so I've been in too many as well and it was a
way to release the anxiousness that i was feeling and i don't know what you feel like during a fist
fight but um there's an incredible experience of adrenaline and um power that is like unbridled
that's but i'm not bragging about that no you're going to a blackout but there's a disgust
afterwards yeah and it feels awful So I came home one day.
This is, I'm fast forward.
I'm jumping around a little bit.
And I was too old to be in a fist fight.
My wife says to me, what are you doing?
Your wife?
Yeah.
So I was too old.
Okay.
And so I'm jumping around a little bit.
And she says, what are you doing?
So I don't know.
I'm disgusted with myself too.
And so I made a commitment at that point to say, I got to stop.
I got to really, really examine, you know, what am I really doing with my life?
Because I'm a bit out of control.
And so the transitions, let me fill in some of the background here, is that I was, as
an age of 15, I was a little surfer that was relatively good locally and regionally, but not good enough nationally.
That wasn't part of the story.
But I loved it.
That was the thing that I loved.
And come competition time, I was significantly worse than I was in free surf.
So there's two types of surfing.
Free surfing, where you're just out there doing your thing.
And then there's the competitive angle.
And something happened now there was this
moment in time where i was in a competitive environment and a competitor paddled by me
that i surf with on a regular basis and he paddles by and he says jervais i'm watching you
what are you doing it's the same question again yeah like you're a mess he goes i don't know what
to tell you but you got to stop worrying about what could go wrong.
He knew that I was better than I, I had more to give than I was actually giving in that competitive environment.
And he also knew that my mind was screwed up.
So that was the first real exposure that I had.
This little nugget inside is a 15-year-old Grom, as we call each other.
Like, wet behind the ears, literally in that moment.
And he says, I know what's happening in your mind.
You're thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
And he paddled off.
And I thought, well, okay, well, then what am I supposed to do?
So if you had that gem, that type of experience, what would you do in that moment?
Well, I guess, well, now in hindsight, you get really introspective and you start to
try to figure out like, okay, what's triggering these reactions?
Because if you know you're good freestyling, or what is that? Is that a good way of freestyling? But then you get really introspective and you start to try to figure out like okay what's what's triggering these reactions because if you know you're good freestyling or what is that is that what you get
by freestyling but then you get into competition there's obviously something because you're feeling
some type of pressure or you're feeling some type of anxiety for you know maybe performing in front
of people so i would looking back you'd get introspective at the time at 15 i don't know
what i would have done yeah probably got angry do you feel like you had an epiphany at 15 years old?
There was this little light bulb.
It's not like this massive light bulb that I could point back to.
That's the moment.
But this is the story that I think best captures the experience of going, oh, the mind here
is important.
Now, what should I do?
Okay, well, 15-year-old kid says, well, let me start thinking about what should go right
then.
That's pretty unsophisticated, but it actually started to make a difference in my experience in that moment. So I didn't know
there was such a thing as a field called psychology at that point. So I started asking around like,
hey, how does the mind work? How does the mind work? What are the things of mind? And so people
started to introduce to me that there's an actual science around it. i've kept in this it's called the dsm and it's the book
of all mental disorders and it's kind of the quote-unquote bible of mental disorders and it's
the handbook if you will for clinical psychology and i kept i've kept in that i'm licensed as a
psychologist now with a specialty in sport performance and a subspecialty if there's such
a thing in high stakes consequential rugged environments where when mistakes happen there's
consequences okay like way to elaborate on that so maybe is that if somebody makes a mistake how
you fix it or is there somebody there's a trauma or explain that last part yeah when so there's
consequential environments and non-consequential and in a consequential environment when people
make mistakes there's a real cost okay either like a a trader could lose a ton of money or in rugged environments people can lose limbs
life life of loved ones that they're are depending on them as well so super high stakes environments
i feel like you're like the therapist in billions have you seen that show i just watched it my wife
and i are just watching it right now you're the therapist no i'm not no i i guarantee i'm not female i promise yeah no i'm not but i will say
that what i appreciate that they've done in that show is that um they've made her kind of normal
you know like part of the ecosystem right where it's they show that it is a natural part of
improvement is getting your mind right.
So as humans, let me step out for just a moment.
As humans, there's only three things that we can train.
We can train our craft, we can train our body, and we can train our mind.
And what I've learned from the science, but also from the best thinkers
and the most sophisticated doers in the world,
especially in high-consequence environments,
and by the way, we all have high-con have high consequence. We all have stressful experiences in life. So they have much to teach us. And what
they've taught me is that the mind is really important and I'm not leaving that up to chance.
So I'm going to train my craft. I'm going to get my body right so I can do the things that are
difficult to do. And then I'm going to get my mind frame, my framework right. And then I'm
going to get my skills my mental skills right and both
of those are trainable how well that's that's kind of the that should be i think the arc of
this conversation is like what do we do to actually train our mind so i i know that we got questions
but do you want me to go back to the story so i kind of want to go into a little bit so you train
ceos coaches athletes all of the above like you've trained a lot of high performers,
what's something that they have in common? What is something you see that these people have in common to perform at such a high level? And how do you and how do you step in and impact their life?
That's a good question. Because there's so many ways I want to answer that.
Yeah. Give us all the ways.
Yeah, there's no, I wish there was a, like a, you know, M theoryory, like there's a golden thread.
I don't think it's that simple.
It's multifaceted.
People are multidimensional.
There's components of environment, skill development, genetic coding.
It's like there's not one golden thread or one bright line.
But I will say that in a more esoteric way, what I do know is that those who are world
leading, best in the world at what they do, they are spending more time in the present moment
than you and I. And because high performance happens in the present moment, and they are
high performers. So the high performance happens in the present moment, and then wisdom is also
revealed there. So the more time you spend in the present moment, and then wisdom is also revealed there. So the more time you spend
in the present moment, and that can sound trite in modern times, be in the present moment, be in
the now, this, that, and the other, because mindfulness is on this wonderful hockey stick
arc curve of interest in science and application. So there's something happening globally that's
been noticed by many. I've been practicing mindfulness for 20 years, but mindfulness is not enough alone.
So when you say they're in the present,
is this like, okay, let's take anxiety, for example.
Feeling anxious is maybe a fear of the past
or a fear of the future, right?
So are you saying that these performers
spend less time in those areas
than the average person?
Well, yeah, they do spend more time in the present moment.
They are better at it.
So they're just laser focused on what they're doing.
Well, how do they think about the future then?
Okay, so I also don't know a world leader
in whatever craft that we're talking about
that doesn't believe the future is going to be great.
Like they, as a basic primary framework,
they're optimistic. Now, optimism is a trainable skill we don't come out of the womb optimistic or pessimistic you know and we learn cynicism we
learn you know the strategies to think about the future so optimism and pessimism are a basic lens
that we see the future through so how did you you learn it? Mom and dad taught you,
pop media taught you, your friends taught you, you know, and so I'll tell you, I can't think
of a better investment than to reinvest into an optimistic framework that's grounded in reality.
Can you teach someone that?
Oh, yeah. There's good science around it. There's good practices,
you know, and I'm happy to talk about it. I don't know if that's what...
Yeah. What are some of the steps that you tell these performers how do you get them in that optimistic mindset
no not let's say somebody's struggling with fear right and how like and i think what lauren's
saying is how do you get them in a mindset where they can start to perform and get out of it whether
it's fear or anxiety or stress like how do you get them in the right headspace to start performing
again okay and i know it's probably an individual approach well yes and
no just as a as a as a marker to this conversation they already know how they're already the best in
the world or one of them and the three of us know how by By definition, you've already experienced times when you've been really on it, when you've been in the right frame of mind, right? And so figuring out what that
looks like and sounds like and feels like and what are the conditions that help amplify it,
that's all important to do. So it's not like I'm running into the relationship with this
golden key and says, hey, here's the kingpin. We're just going to put this in place and you're going to be great. That's not it. There's a high regard. The orientation for me
is a high regard for the person's experiences that they've lived in their life and that there's
everything that they need is already inside them. And so that thought, I think, is really important
as a reminder that everything you need is already inside you. Now, if they say, listen, when I'm at my best, I'm loving the idea that the future is going to be amazing.
But right now, I'm kind of struggling with it. So we'll deconstruct a little bit like, okay, well,
when in the past, you know, are you optimistic? Okay, good. You want to train that? You want to
get sharper than they say? Yeah, sure, I do. So okay, now that we can now we can start to
put in a set of practices to help amplify that.
So there's a good piece of research out of UPenn, University of Pennsylvania, where they
took a look at the three, they followed people for seven days and they said, okay, here's
what we want to do.
We want to amplify your ability to be optimistic.
So write down and track three amazing things that happen per day. So become a researcher
of good, basically, right? A researcher of amazing. And so you wake up with this intent,
I'm going to become a researcher of amazing, real things that happened in my life today that are
amazing. At the end of the day, write them down. After they track them for seven days,
there's significant changes in what I would consider all the right factors that would be
the precursors to optimism.
So that's only a seven-day experience.
So follow-ons with 30 days.
What happens if you train that for 30 days?
And then the third piece to this component is, why do I say 30 days?
Because it's a little bit more robust, right, when you extend it out a little bit longer.
And that's something that I would say 70% of people I spend time with, we get on that program, right?
Like just becoming a researcher, amazing.
It organizes what we think is happening is it organizes a smaller network in our neural structure.
So the majority of our neural structure is scanning the world to find what's dangerous.
Okay, threat management.
We need that.
Our ancestors gave us that gift to find what's dangerous, what's not going to keep us alive,
right? Bad smells, bad situations, you know, frowning men and women, you know, postures that
seem intimidating, noises that are scary. So our brain is designed to scan the world and find what's
dangerous. A smaller part is designed to capture opportunity. And that's what we need to train.
We need to train, we need to literally override much of our DNA and amplify the parts that are going to
maximize our ability to be in the present moment more often. And there's a good science around it.
So start with the seven-day process, extend it to 30 days. And then what we've found
from a piece of research is those that train that same process that we're just talking about
with a loved one and then do a pillow talk, they share over time, like each night,
the three amazing things that happen. There's an increase in quality of relationships. We're doing that pillow talk. They share over time, like each night, the three amazing things that happen.
There's an increase in quality of relationships as well.
We're doing that pillow talk tonight.
More pillow talk.
Hopefully your three amazing things are me, me, and me.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
If they're not, if my three amazing things aren't,
then I'm going to have to write,
I'm going to have some other things
that I'm going to have to write down to get me out of it.
Yeah, and they can be small, like I saw an ant.
Oh, it can be that small.
Oh, for sure.
Well, I think what you're saying is a default as human beings.
Throughout history, we have the fight or flight gene in us, right?
People have a tendency to look towards bad things, right?
So we have to train ourselves to look towards good things.
Because the default was like, hey, this bad thing happened, this other bad thing happened.
Then you go down the spiral.
So you have to get into a mindset, I think you're saying of looking for the little things and over time that trains you to stop looking at
the bad things so what you're saying pretty much i mean if we're going to be in the present moment
we it's our attention our the one of the ways our brain is wired is called serial functioning
serial processing and so we can only attend to one new bit of information at a time. We can only have one emotion at a time as
well. So we can flip-flop back and forth quickly, but if we can condition and train our minds to
find what's amazing in this moment, and it's a precursor to finding that the future could be
full of these things as well. And if you're deeply focused on something that's good in this moment,
not in a naive way, but we think that this, by the way, is at the center of mental toughness.
To have the mental discipline and toughness to focus on what's good right now, even when there's other bits of information that are coming in that say you're getting your ass kicked.
You know, this is why I'm partners with head coaches Seattle Seahawks, Pete Carroll, and a business venture.
And this is why we think that we are ridiculous
in fourth quarter comebacks because we stay in it and we stay in it and we're down by 30 points.
So what? The next play is going to be amazing. Oh, we just turned the ball over. So what? The
next defense is going to get back. It's going to be amazing. We got some serious studs on the
field. So let's keep grinding. Let's keep going. And so Coach Carroll's created this amazing
competitive cauldron for people to be disciplined
in finding what's good.
To be uncommon, relentlessly so, and not in a naive way.
I like that.
Yeah, it's really good.
So you talk about fear and obstacles as being teachers.
Can you tell our audience your thought process in regards to fear and obstacles?
Yeah.
Again, you guys are asking like textured questions these are really good thoughtful questions what would you like to
know about those i think well you touched on it a little bit right like basically mental toughness
and i don't think you can correct me if i'm wrong i don't think you can develop mental toughness
without some hard times right i don't think you can't i always think i have to get uncomfortable
to get comfortable.
Yeah, I've heard you talk about this and touch on a little bit.
I think it was a question Tim Paris asked you were saying what you would teach in high school classes if you could.
And you said you probably couldn't teach it because of the day and age we live in.
It would be a little dangerous.
How do you look at developing mental toughness and kind of conquering obstacles and teaching the mind to bear through hard times?
Okay, so we're looking at a couple substrates, you know, or subcomponents of mental toughness.
So mental toughness conjures up this idea that I'm going to ram my head through the wall until the wall breaks.
I don't think that's it, right?
That's like an old idea of mental toughness there certainly is some sort of I don't know
Cro-Magnon way about doing things that is important like doing hard difficult
things for an extended period of time creates adaptations and without
adaptations there's no growth so we need to put our systems under great pressure
and stress and then recover properly to grow.
Putting yourself under stressful environments
is really important, but also noticing, not noticing,
knowing the difference between acute stress
and chronic stress.
So what we're trying to do is manipulate acute stress,
and then give systems for people to relieve chronic stress,
become, move from a sympathetic activated organism, which is the on,
if you will, the gas pedals down into something that is more regulated, which is a parasympathetic
activation, where there's a bit of a response system where people can settle into the moment.
And there's lots of physiological things that can do that. And there's also mental things to do that
psychological. And so if you think about the brain, the brain is really what the system is driven by, but there's
a, that's a hardware, but there's a software that's running the brain, which is the mind.
And so they're intimately linked, but we want to pull them apart to be able to train each one of
those up. And so there's things we can do, like alignment, like breathing, like posture,
like, yes, as we all structure to sit up a little better. All of those make a difference in the
signaling to our body from our body about how we're doing. The software is really important as
well. So having a conversation with you guys asking hard questions about how something complicated
works.
If I walk in and I say, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, like, I don't want to screw up.
Well, the software is going to win there and signal the brain to say, OK, you got to be on.
And this is hostile.
Or I can say, God, this is great.
I'm so stoked to be here.
This is a great opportunity for us to talk.
Like, I wonder where this is going to go.
And then so it sends a different signal to the brain but if my posture is screwed up and i'm kind of in an anxious or scared posture
literally then my body's going i don't believe the software software is not right software is
weak it's not right the body is going to win most of the time the brain is going to win most of the
time unless you train your mind so to kind of touching on this i was thinking as you were
talking you work with so many competitive people right like people super bowl winners right like the highest of the
high how do you look at you know kids these and i didn't i think i was maybe one of the last
generations i was talking to our producer ray yesterday about this like how do you look at
like eighth place trophies and stuff like that how do you like rewarding kids for and and listen i
know there's a sense that i'm probably going to get backlash and people are going to shit on me
and it's going to be a problem but i don't like i don't like
eighth place trophies i don't like i think it's like what's the point right like it's making soft
people right people are getting soft no the the ioc the international olympic committee has
recognized that we're going to give three of those things out that's it there's only there's a
three that's it that's all we're there's a three. That's it. That's all
we're getting. So, you know, that's an important position. But I think the more important
conversation is helping people understand the process to get glimpses of their potential.
Okay. So that's a really important skill for parents and coaches and teachers.
But how do you do that if you reward?
No, no, no. Okay. They're separate. Yeah. I like where you're going with that. So
what is the process to help people get closer to understanding what is possible for them?
And the second is paying more attention to what's called an ipsitive result.
So a result that is relative to you.
So if you get an eighth place reward, but you swam a PR, that's a win.
Who cares about the trophy?
Like the trophy is just the symbol that
you participated in how you did relative to others. And I'll tell you what, it's going to
sound like I'm going to sit on my little soapbox here right now. We are plagued as a country for
sure. And maybe a global country as a global citizen, we're plagued by what other people
think of us. And it's time. We're fatigued by it. We're overrun by it.
We're running our systems into the ground.
We're literally, you've heard of FOMO?
Yeah.
Fear of other people missing out.
You've heard of YOLO?
You only live once?
So I'm going to introduce a new one to you guys.
Okay.
And I think this is at the center of one of the great ailments of modern men and women
is FOPO, fear of other people's opinions. And so it is time that we switch the
model that I need to do more to be more. And the thought that I need to do extraordinary things to
be extraordinary is broken. Yeah, but how do you tell a world-class performer that?
Well, they're telling me. Okay. Yeah, they are sorting that out. They're saying, listen, this is amazing.
You know, I've got a Bentley.
I've got 14 goal watches.
I've got amazing this, that, and the other.
I've got 14 different houses.
You know, they're like, I've got the things.
And I'm doing the amazing things.
But that's not, it's not enough.
And it never will be.
So what is enough is the knowing that you matter, the knowing that you have purpose in life, that you know how to live in the present moment in an authentic way and express what's authentic about you, whether it's your craft or your ideas, and to let the doing flow from that authentic being.
So instead of do more to be more, we're seeing people flip it.
And the best in the world are flipping it, saying, no, my job is to be here, be grounded, be authentic, be here now more often and let the
doing flow from there. And not only are the results becoming extraordinarily amplified,
but the experience in life is also now in a whole different way. And so I don't know. I think that that is one of the key indicators of illness.
So you touched on this again, authenticity.
And that word's getting thrown around a lot lately, right?
How do you define authenticity?
And how do you apply it to an individual?
It's been thrown around since like Socrates and Aristotle and some of the great thinkers.
I think the word's getting stretched, right?
So I'd be interested to know how you define it.
It's used a lot in social media with influencers and bloggers, a lot.
So I'm not snapped into that world properly, so I wouldn't know that.
I don't know the context that they're using it.
They might be using it in the right ways.
But it's interesting that you're saying that because maybe it reinforces in some naive ways what I'm saying is that there is a craving for it.
So was your question, what is authenticity? Maybe it reinforces in some naive ways what I'm saying is that there is a craving for it. So, right, there's a craving for it.
So was your question, what is authenticity?
No, not what is authenticity, but how can someone, what do you define as someone being truly authentic?
Right, like if you're talking to somebody, how do you, and they're saying, I'm being authentic, and you're coaching them.
How do you say, how do you call bullshit, or how do you say, yeah, you are?
Like what's the parameters there okay well okay the first part is what are the
guiding principles in your life what are the values and the guiding principles and there's
those are separate so do you have a philosophy that's organizing your life and a philosophy is
a word that's been around for a long time and again back to the some of the original thinkers
and philosophers what are the guiding principles in your life? I don't know if you have one,
but without one, it's really hard to get enough forward momentum to do extraordinary things and
to be extraordinary in your life. If there's an audience member out there that wants to create
a philosophy, how would you recommend going about that? So, yeah, I'll give you, I'll pull back the
curtain and talk about it. Almost every large room that I've been in and asked an audience,
you know, like who here has their philosophy, probably about 40% of the people raise their hand.
And then I say, great, how many of you would like to come up and say your philosophy on stage?
And about half of those drop their hand. So we got about 20%, 10%,
somewhere in that range. And I say, great. Okay, seriously, someone come up and let's,
you know, get your, see if you can get your philosophy out in a handful of words. No takers,
for the most part, unless there's a narcissist in the room. They're just going to come and talk,
right? Yeah. So, so most people haven't done that work work so your question is not for a listener the
rare listener i think it's for most people is what are the guiding principles so the first way to
think about it is you got to get get a pen and paper out for most people to anchor it because
when you write there's a forcing function that takes place of all the words in your native tongue
what are the 20 words or 10 words that matter most to you? And so that's a
significant piece of work to get done. But how do you start? Well, write down some words in
haphazard ways. And that's one way, just what are the words that matter to you most? Another way is
what are the people that inspire you? So what did Martin Luther King Jr. stand for? What was
his philosophy? Quality. Right. How do you know that?
Just, well, I know it through reading history, but obviously just his messaging and the way he was and bringing people together and the things he spoke about. That's right. So exactly. So
what he's done, this is mapping back to authenticity. So what he's done is he's
lined up his thoughts and his words and his actions in just about every environment.
Right?
So when you think of him, you think... Of the thing, the guiding principle that mattered most to him.
Now, he had a style about him as well.
Those are the value systems.
So his value system was to do it without harming others.
Okay?
Now, let's take an equal and different example, which is Malcolm X.
So what did he stand for?
Equality. But he had a
very different value system. We're going to do it by any means necessary. And yes, we're going to
raise arms and we're going to raise guns. Okay. So they both had the same guiding principle,
but different value structures that really became their style. So when you say, what is authenticity?
They are able to line up their thoughts, their
words, and their actions in any environment because they're principle-based rather than
ego-based, rather than I need to look a certain way to be a certain way. None of that is about
authenticity. Yeah, no. It's like they have the real conviction to carry the things that matter
most to them in any environment. And so that's someone who's authentic.
You spoke about ego.
And you deal with the high-performing athletes.
How does that kind of intertwine and how do you deal with it?
There's a lot of it.
I bet.
And rightfully so in many ways. There's a piece of research that elite athletes
overestimate their skills and abilities.
Isn't that interesting?
They overestimate.
But that's not surprising, right?
Because they-
But don't you kind of have to be like that?
Well, they defy odds in most of their challenges.
They are the one percenters, half percenters.
Wherever they came from, from their family structure,
most don't come from two Olympian mothers and fathers. I will say this,
that most of the best in the world are, remember I said there's no bright line. They live in the
present moment more often. They have the right genetic coding that's matched the environment,
and the environment has supported and challenged them in all the right ways. And they've worked
hard, most of them. There are hardly crazy half percenters of the half percenters that eat McDonald's and pizza and show up and they're just freaks.
They jump 42 inches.
They can lift whatever you put in front of them.
Chad Ochocinco.
Yeah, like it's just it's outrageous.
Most of them are working hard at their craft, though.
Right.
And then so there's another bright line in here is that they are more like you and me than you would imagine.
How so?
They're neurotic.
Yeah, I can see that.
They're coming.
Why are you working so hard?
And this is a question for the two of you.
Why are you guys working so freaking hard
to create this amazing podcast and experience in your business?
Like, why are you working so hard?
It's a question that I revisit more and more often.
And my answers have changed a lot over time.
His answers have changed a lot.
A lot over time. I have changed a lot over time
i think that comes with getting punched in the face a few times both literally and emotionally
but your face still looks good so yeah i'm doing all right but um yeah no i don't know my answers
was that awkward no no no i appreciate my answers have changed um i do it now more for family and
for legacy and for um you know bringing others others up and, you know, helping others
as opposed to, you know, before my views were probably obvious, probably a little bit more
material and a little bit more self-servicing. But yeah, now it's changing over time. I think
recently I've gotten out of the space of worrying so much about, you know, about what other people
think. I don't dwell too much on that anymore.
It's still something that everybody has to battle,
but definitely done some growing over the last few years.
What happens for most people is they talk about
why they're doing what they're doing when they're really honest
is they wanted to know that they mattered,
that they belonged,
and one way to do that was to get the attention from their parents
was to do tricks really well,
or their uncle or whatever. Like, let me do my tricks really well and oh my gosh i'm getting
attention and so that can be negative attention by let me let me burn something let me break
something let me get a bad grade let me get in a fight or it could be positive attention like let
me get a's and this that and the other so people that do extraordinary things from a young age
like they're really craving something and so so maybe, maybe a therapy session here.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm, I don't, this is, I agree with you.
This is an important question to take a look at, you know, and if we, if we peel back some
curtains or peel back some onion layers about your parents, there's probably something in
there that we could find.
Oh shit.
Let's peel back that onion.
Well, Michael, it's been great having you on the show.
Yeah, no, there's definitely something something there my reason is different than his mine is i have such a vision in my head
and i can't imagine leaving this earth without executing on the vision um legacy to me doesn't
matter because i'm gonna be dead is that weird no I don't look at legacy like, I know what you're saying.
No, not like legacy.
I just, like you said,
I think it's basically doing something that matters,
but not just for myself, right?
You don't want to leave the footprint
and be like, oh, that guy just did something for himself.
You want to leave with a contribution, right?
So that is where we start to see that transition, right?
Is where you start to say, well, okay, I feel grounded.
I feel like I'm settling into some purpose.
I'm settling into just knowing that I'm okay and I matter,
independent of the things that I'm going to do in my life.
So if I'm going to do some things,
let me see if I can take care of other people along the way.
Now, in modern times, people are just saying that.
Some people are just saying that.
And it's not real.
It's not authentic, right? They know that that's saying that. Some people are just saying that. And it's not real. It's not authentic.
Right?
They know that that's the right strap line for a successful look.
And they're like, oh, no, I'm doing this altruistically.
Bullshit.
Many of you are doing it because you want to look good.
You know?
And I sound like a jerk saying that.
But that's where we start to pick up this, you know, authenticity.
Just the other day, my wife says, you know, we just met somebody.
And she said, hey, what was that like for you?
I said, something didn't match.
And so he said the words that he said to me as he reached out and shook my hand were,
I've been looking forward to meeting you.
But it was a straight arm handshake.
And he took a half step back.
So it's like he's pushing away.
Yeah.
Right.
So I'm not going to read too much into it.
But that's just it just it didn't hit me until afterwards.
I wasn't processing in the moment, right?
But we are really good machines at making meaning.
That's a big part of what our mind and brain are trying to figure out, making meaning of this moment.
And so there was just an incongruency there that took place.
And so it makes all of us, our antenna pop up like, do I believe what I'm saying? Because the words were great, but the body structure didn't quite
match. And so when we talk about authenticity, there's layers to it. There's multiple layers to
it. Well, I think what happens is when you're looking in, like, say you're looking for self
service or material wealth, you can only do that for so long until you realize it's not fulfilling.
I've lived that life where you're like, wow, I'm doing everything right. This is what I'm
supposed to be doing. You're getting these things. Then you look and you're like,
shit, none of this stuff is making me happy. And really nobody cares. That's the other thing.
You're doing it for other people and you look around and realize nobody cares. So then you
have to really do some self-searching and say, okay, what matters? How do I have an impact?
How do I have contribution?
That's what I think I'm driven by now.
Do you like the way Tony Robbins breaks it down
where he says the science of achievement
and the art of fulfillment?
Pass the water.
Do we have something to talk about?
All right, let's switch gears.
Let's discuss failure.
So how do you think about failure?
And do you have any advice for anyone who's out there and listening and dealing with a
big failure?
I love that question.
I love the thought about failure because you will hear in modern times, fail fast, fail
forward, fail often, failure is what makes you.
I don't know about that.
You know, I really don't.
I think that it's important to potentially reorganize the definition of failure.
So mistakes are really important.
Make some mistakes, right?
Because that teaches you about your capacity.
That teaches you about your skill development.
And so if you're not making mistakes, you're playing it safe.
I agree. development. And so if you're not making mistakes, you're playing it safe. And so there's no real
growth, amazing growth arc from playing it safe. Okay. So let's talk about failure. I think what
failure is, is the not going for it. The not willingness or ability to make mistakes.
I so agree with you.
Yeah. You can be successful. You can get the right outcome
on some byline. You can get the right outcome, but still be a failure because you never really
chipped in or pushed in. And so the way that we think about failure is the inability or the
unwillingness to really let it go, to let it rip. And so mistakes, we encourage them and we encourage
as many mistakes as we possibly can up on the edge of your capacity. And so mistakes, we encourage them. And we encourage as many mistakes as we
possibly can up on the edge of your capacity. And so that's when your heart is beaten. That's when
you've got an environmental situation where you're perceiving it to be dangerous, where you're
perceiving it to be stressful. So either we got to upskill your technical skills, your physical
capacities, or your mental skills. And likely it's all three of them for most of us.
And so we just see failure, I think, in a different way, which is the not willingness
to let it rip.
What's some of the worst advice you've ever heard?
Oh.
Oh.
You're like, let me pull out my scroll.
Hold on.
Maybe in regards to failure or success, if you need to compartmentalize it a little.
If we picked up any Instagram kind of slogan page, there'd be lots of awful slogans that we can find.
You know, I think that any time that we start to make it simple, and I think that piece of advice gets problematic.
And so I don't have one that comes to my head, but
I'm sure on social media, you're seeing a lot of different quotes and different things.
Yeah, I think it's a good attempt to try to get people to, I don't know, change some thoughts
and behaviors, but it is difficult to change thoughts and behaviors. It is really difficult
to do initially because thoughts are invisible. And so sloganism doesn't work. And sloganism, when you see these slogans that are loosely thread together, we're getting moments.
Motivation is momentary.
So we get these motivation moments, but not real deep commitment to make change.
And so there's one that I see somewhat often that resonates in a kind of weird way to me, which is, hey, somebody else
is grinding, you should be grinding.
Hey, you know, like somebody else is trying to take your job.
No, no, like, yeah, that's true.
Okay, but if we're just trying to be better than the next guy, we'll never find freedom.
We'll never find potential.
So we talked about glimpses of potential earlier.
Glimpses of potential happen when you can string together a sequence of moments.
And then you can reveal what is possible.
But you've got to get those moments to link.
We only get 1,440 minutes a day.
And so within that moment, there's seconds, right?
60 seconds per minute.
So literally, the work to reveal your potential is to snap into as many seconds that turn into minutes,
you know, in time. And when you can get glimpses of those experiences, you go, Oh my God, that's
really what is possible for me. And sometimes we need other people around us to say, what did that
feel like? That looked amazing. That, that seemed like you were really in a great spot, you know,
and to help us deconstruct that way. So it's not always apparent to ourselves. We've covered a lot of stuff in a pretty short time. I want to, I kind of want to
end it. We've talked a lot about failure and struggle and mindset. How do you define success
at this point? It is something that I think about a lot. And I've asked that question scores of times, you know, and I think about it a lot.
So success for me is being here and then being authentic with the way that I'm conducting my thoughts, my words and my actions.
And so with success, there's a freedom that takes place.
And that inner freedom, if I can get it just right, there's a creativity that is the output so success for me
is about being in the present moment and authentically sharing my thoughts my ideas my
words and then having the actions line up and has it always been that way no no it hasn't um
at one point i think you you would recognize this like i wanted to win. And so what I've come to appreciate, though, is winning comes and goes.
But the process is always available.
And so if I can get better at now, that's pretty damn good.
And then what does that really look like over time?
It means I'm deeply connected to people.
And so at the center, we are social beings.
And so at the center of success is going
to be some relationship with myself to be on time now, and then to be more connected to other people.
What's a book or resource that you can recommend to our audience before you go?
Well, I think that there's lots of good authors of modern time. There's interesting ideas that
are published every day, scores of them. And I could flip through a bunch of those.
But I would start with the books that have stood up over time.
Books of the ages, if you will.
The most significant books over time tend to be great.
And they also tend, the 11 world religions all have a book.
Go read the other one.
The Prolineal Sellers.
Go read another one.
You know, like if you're deeply invested in Christianity or Buddhism or whatever, yeah, keep reading that one.
That's good.
Like you're on to something probably, you know.
But read another one.
Go check out what that one billion people of the world, two billion people, what are they inspired by?
So, yes, there are modern authors that are good.
I'd say Tao Te Ching.
Go check out the Taoist Bible, if you will.
It's complicated.
Do it with another person.
Talk about it.
Is it Lao Tzu?
Yeah.
So Tao Te Ching, 81 Principles.
That's great advice.
It's a tough book.
Where can everyone find you on your podcast, on your Instagram?
Pimp yourself out.
Pimp yourself out.
You're a smart dude, man.
People got to find you.
Yeah, no, thank you.
And again, thank you guys for the time spending in this conversation.
I was stoked to come meet you guys.
You're awesome.
Oh, no, no.
Thank you.
Yeah, this was great to have you.
Yeah, cool.
Thank you.
So social media.
At Michael Gervais is Twitter. And that's G-E-R-V-A-I-S. you yeah this was we're glad to have you yeah cool thank you so uh social media at michael
gervais is twitter and that's g-e-r-v-a-i-s and you can also find finding mastery.net is where
our podcast is and then we've got instagram which is finding mastery linkedin is michael gervais and
so i'm spending a lot of time on linkedin. And then my business venture with Coach Carol is called Compete to Create.
And it's a competetocreate.net.
And what we've done is we've taken his intellectual property on how to switch on environment.
And then my IP around how to train the minds of people who want to be their very best.
And it's like this one plus one didn't equal two anymore.
It literally equaled 11.
And we've just really enjoyed how this has gone.
And we shared our really enjoyed how this has gone. And we
shared our practices with enterprise companies. And so we built an online scalable business where
we've hired Olympians and sports psychologists, train them on how we think and how we do things
to bring the best out of people. And then to map that onto in corporate environments. And it's been
an awesome business. I hope everyone's making their list of amazing things
that have happened to them tomorrow.
I'm going to have to start my list today.
This interview could be number one.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
So let me just sharpen that.
You write down a sentence
and then a word at the end that captures why it was amazing.
So I saw an ant.
God's funny.
That's a good one.
Thank you so much for coming on that was so interesting
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