The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - #143: Paul Fishman - How To Self Love, Ending Negative Self Talk, How To Be Confident, & The Blame Game

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

On this episode we sit down with Self Love coach Paul Fishman to discuss what it means to be confident and happy with who you are. We dive into topics surrounding negative self talk, bad habits, and the blame game. We also dive into what it means to self love and how to turn your life around during bad times.  To connectg with Paul Fishman click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) Capri Blue offers high quality candles, premium home fragrance, and beauty care products. With universal approval from both men and women Capri Blue offers products for everyone. All of Capri Blue's products are made with clean, cruelty free vegan formula. For 20% your entire order at Capri Blue go to capri-blue.com/skinny.  This episode was brought to you by Fabletics. Your new go to for all athletic wear.  Fabletics is offering our listeners an incredible deal you don’t want to miss: Get 2 leggings for only $24 a ($99 value) when you sign up for a VIP membership. Just go to Fabletics.com/skinny to take advantage of this deal now. International shipping is available and there is absolutely no commitment when you purchase your first order!  Fabletics.com/skinny Terms and conditions apply.   

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to The Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Aha! Blame is a very interesting thing. And what I love to instill in just everyone who is a part of my community is that instead of pointing your finger, what if you can point your finger back at yourself and say, what can I do differently? What's up, guys? We're coming in hot on a Tuesday. Welcome back to the Skinny Confidential, him and her show. If you're new to the show, thank you for joining. I'm Lauren

Everett. I'm the creator of the Skinny Confidential, which is a blog, a brand, a podcast, and a YouTube channel. And I am this lovely ladies, woman, lady, girl, lady, woman, co-host, co-star, Michael Bostic, serial entrepreneur and brand builder. Most recently, the CEO of Dear Media, which is an emerging, crushing, destroying podcast network. OK, so we thought the sense this episode is themed as self-love that we would give you guys our top three tips for confidence do you want to go first michael bostick or would you like me ladies first ladies first okay i feel like you just want me to go first so you can i want to hear what i want to see like you're cheating you know what why don't you be a little bit more confident okay i'm gonna be confident in my confidence tips okay guys so before we get into this episode, like I said, we're going to do three confidence tips. So this is the first tip. Are you ready? I really think it's so important to find

your purpose and what excites you. I think this is the foundation of confidence. I've seen it with my husband, with my friends, with myself. When someone has a meaningful purpose and they know their why and they know what they're working towards, it creates confidence. It's like you're growing confidence. Okay. So if you're out there and you're listening and you don't feel like you have a purpose or something that excites you in the morning, I would tell you to go make a list of things that you love. Okay. And this can be anything from I like to walk cats to I like to walk cats to, I like to grow sea monkeys to,

I like to hang out with my grandma. It doesn't have to be things that will just automatically make you money. Right? So write down all the things you love on a piece of paper. It could be as stupid. Like I said, as, um, I like to talk on the phone to anything. It could be anything, just write it down and then start to look at that list every single day and put together things. So what I did is when I was 21 and I was feeling uninspired, I wrote down, I like to take pictures. I like to write. I like to talk. I like to tap dance on tables and be the center of attention. Anyway, I wrote that all down and I obviously came up with the job of a blogger. So try that. Another tip,

second tip, is to decide that you're going to stop giving a shit what anyone else thinks. Hopefully, Michael, that's not yours too. But I think that's so important to unapologetically be yourself. Focus on what you can control, which is your own emotion and your logic, not on what you can't control. So that's other people's beliefs or opinions. I try to really, really, really stay in my own lane. You guys know this. And my last and third confidence tip is to rid yourself of self-doubt. I think that that's so important. We all have doubt, obviously, but if you can sort of practice confidence, it's something that I think is a practice and practice it daily and get rid of the self-doubt and shift your perspective. That works really, really well. Again, confidence to me is a practice always. It's something I work on every single day and it's sort of a muscle that

you build. With that, Michael, why don't you share your three tips? I changed them up a little bit. I had them written down when I changed them after I heard you talk. I think a lot of time people run into confidence issues because they're not being completely honest with themselves. Maybe they are pretending they're an expert in a certain field that they're not. Maybe they're acting like they know something that they really aren't confident in or they don't really actually know everything about. Maybe they're just projecting something onto someone that's not their truth. And I think when you're doing that, you're stumbling around and you're not really confident

because you're not being honest with yourself. So I don't know if that's a tangible tip, but like the number one I would say is you have to really start from an honest place and be truthful with yourself before you can project confidence in the world. I can talk about podcasting. I can talk about marketing. I can talk about beds for aircraft. You can talk about being married to the most gorgeous girl in the world. I can confidently because I've done these things, right? Where like, um, I wouldn't go into a meeting and tell somebody that I'm the best, um, I don't know, boat builder I've done. I've used this example before cause I don't know. And so I think when you fake it, I don't like the term fake it till you make it so much. I think that that you're coming from a weak place. I think get some,

get some skill. And if you don't know something, be honest and say, Hey, you know what? I'm not an expert in this thing, but this is what I think. Um, the second part is, and this would be maybe tip number 1.5 or two, um, know that you're not the only person that's not fully confident to know that there's other people out there that are nervous. To me, confidence is projecting courage, right? It's knowing that everyone is a little bit nervous. Not everyone is full confident, but being somebody that's courageous enough to project confidence, right? Like we all have our own insecurities and our own issues. I don't believe anybody is just 100% confident at all times, but it's having the courage to put yourself out there and act with confidence. There's a difference, right? And I think when you act with confidence, that creates confidence. That's a lot of confidence in one sentence, but you get what I'm saying there. And then the third part would be to approach it with logic, approach confidence with logic. What, what's the worst that can happen? You ask that girl out. She says, no,

you say something stupid at work and people laugh. I said no a thousand times to you, right? Yeah. You get turned down, your business fails and people say, oh, you failed. Really? What's the worst that can happen? Run through the full exercise. And I think most of the time you'll find that it's not that big of a deal. Even extreme examples like a failed business, right? I think as a society, we try to hide failures and try to hide shame and we should be actually promoting it and putting on pedestals because that's how you grow. That's how you learn. And actually people connect more with vulnerabilities and they connect with people that have had struggle or failures or hardships more than somebody who's just, Hey, I'm this ultra confident person that kills it all the time. Right? Like that's not an interesting story.

That's not appealing to anybody. It makes people feel bad. It's, you know, what can you share? What struggles have you gone through and then come from a confident place when you talk about them. And then I guess, I think that was three, but if, if not, um, and this is the final one, I think I touched on in the beginning is carry yourself with confidence, right? Walk around with your shoulders up back upright. It's such a good tip. Oh my God. I love this tip. Go on with this. Look people in the eyes. Don't come from a weakened place. Don't look at the floor. I had, I was, I've been interviewing for candidates for Dear Media recently and I won't name any names, but people come in, they look at the floor or they, they stare at the ceiling or they can't look someone in the eyes. Like immediately, I don't care what your qualifications are. Like

that projects weakness. And you know, there's gotta be other things, um, that I want people on this team that project strength and that are confident because, you know, we're building something great here. And, and I believe that,, you know, I don't want somebody that's coming from a weakened place. So whenever you're carrying yourself, carry yourself with confidence, you'd be surprised how far that goes. And, you know, when you carry yourself with confidence and a strong position, it'll, you'll, you'll develop confidence as well. That's really interesting that you say that, Michael, because whenever I walk into a room, I think body language is so incredibly important. My shoulders are always back and I have a very open presence.

And that's another thing that I've practiced. I open my shoulders. I open my arms. I don't cross my arms in front of me. We had a podcast guest come in and she was so closed off. And it was hard to get her to open up. It's so much better if you can really be confident with your body language. And again, that is something that I practice. I also think it's important. I want to tell you guys about a

time that I was not confident at all. Okay. And how I worked on that. I was speaking at Create and Cultivate probably four years ago. And it was one of my first times really speaking in front of a huge crowd. Ask Michael, I was petrified. So nervous. I even had to do a shot of tequila before I went up and spoke. But I was just petrified. And I did it and threw myself in the situation and absolutely loved it. And now I can't shut the fuck up. I love speaking in public. I actually don't even think about it anymore. And it's something that I've just practiced at over and over and over again, to the point where I practice that confidence muscle when it came to public speaking. A good example to think about when you're thinking about being confident, or you're

thinking about carrying yourself with confidence is the peanuts example. Do you remember Charlie Brown, how he carried himself with his head down nervous all the time? He was not projecting confidence. And anyone can look at that character, that cartoon and see the way it's drawn, right? It's very clear. Body language has a lot to do with it. You see Charlie Brown, you feel, oh, look at that guy. He's nervous. He's not confident. And then you see Lucy. I think it was Lucy, the one that always removed the football and she's running around. She's upright, her head's running. She's loud. She's boisterous. That's an example of confidence. So I always think of those two examples when i go into meetings and when i carry myself it's like okay you don't want to be the charlie brown you want to be the lucy and um you know listen it doesn't mean you have to run around

as this overconfident egotistical person it just means you have to carry yourself with strength and from that strength you'll develop confidence both internally and externally if that's possible i just have to shout out boone because boone, when we first got him as a rescue, was so insecure. And now he's built his confidence muscle. Right, Michael? Yeah. He's been carrying himself around. Speaking of confidence, do you know what I feel confident in, Michael Bostic?

I feel confident in great workout wear, especially ones that really flatter the bod. So you guys know that I recently ordered a bunch of sets, meaning like a set like the top and the bottom of Fabletics. And the reason I ordered a bunch is because it's honestly so affordable. It's ridiculous how affordable it is. And the stuff is so cute too. So the leggings that I'm obsessed with right now are the high-waisted printed power hold legging. They have a camo print and they are so cute with a black tank. I was actually wearing them the

other day in Alfred's and I had three people come up to me and ask me where I got them. And I think they're like $27, you guys. Okay. So definitely check out all their leggings. They're kind of the go-to bottoms for all workouts. They have like yoga leggings and running leggings and workout leggings, all different kinds of leggings. And they're all very, very, very flattering. The best part is you can wear them to the gym and even when you're off duty. Okay. And the sets, we talked about that a little bit, but they're like $35 for a whole set, which is crazy. You guys know that I'm also a big fan of their Pashley two-piece outfit. I've talked about this before. I always get a medium top and

sometimes small bottoms, sometimes medium. It depends on the legging. Some of you guys had DM'd me asking me about sizes. They have great sports bras. Okay. They really, really hold the girls up. I was wearing their sports bra for probably two days straight the other day, which sounds kind of dirty, but what can you do? Little background on Fabletics. So it was born in 2013 and co-founded by actress Kate Hudson. She has impeccable style. You know her from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. And the founding team noticed that there was a big gap in activewear. It was really, really hard to find really chic, stylish gymwear that was priced affordably. You guys know this,

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Paul Fishman is a self-love coach and healer on a mission to empower and inspire every living thing to love themselves just a little bit more. For the first 25 years of Paul's life, he let fear sit in the driver's seat. He did what others told him to do, pushed his own happiness aside, and never felt fulfilled. Paul hit rock bottom when he carried 75 pounds of excess body weight and $75,000 in credit card debt in the inability to believe he was worth anything other than emotionally abusive relationships. He has since turned his life around, lost the debt and the weight, and he now helps others with his practice of self-love.

With that, let's get into this wide-ranging conversation with Paul Fishman. Okay, so what's Michael's drag name? We're not quite sure yet. We're not quite sure yet. We need to figure it out. So yours is what again? Tell me one more time. My drag name is Thirsty Espinaca, but it's thirsty with a U.

Okay. Thirsty. And Espinaca means spanish and spanish okay so we can't do susan because susan's like it's too panicked we were thinking maybe like the evil stepsisters from cinderella anastasia and drusilla um but i feel like we need like a very fiery last name so you'll have to think of something with your husband something and we'll get back to you for sure. Okay. Thank you. You know I'll follow up. I know you will. I look forward to it. All right. What about Scandalnavia?

Oh, okay. He's still thinking. Oh, you're still here. Oh, Scandal. Scandalnavia Sprinkle. Because I'm looking at your Gigi Crackers. It says Scandinavian Fiber Sprinkle. But what if it's Scandalnavia Sprinkle?

Okay. I like Sprinkle. It's a lot to say. Like if you were to walk out on a stage and be like, my name's Scandal Navia Sprinkle. People would be like, um, I just fell asleep. But I've had Michael as a neighbor so long. It's a little boring. It's a snooze fest.

I'm going to call you Mike too when you start acting up just to piss you off. We're here with Paul Fishman. We're here. We're live. And I'm just going to start out with a question. What does self-love mean to you? That is a great question. So self-love means to me just giving yourself permission to be okay with where you are.

Taking a deep breath in and being like, okay, this is where I'm meant to be. And that's like the mental state that self-love requires. Just permission based. I want to go back. I want to talk about how you even got into this career. I want you to start from the beginning and give us the deets. What would you, what would the title, like what would your title be now? If you were to, if you were to explain what your coach or self-love coach. Yes. So I'm a self-love coach and my true purpose, my mission statement is to empower and inspire every living thing to love themselves a little bit more.

And I'll tell you how I do this. I do this by giving people the tools to unlock not only what they already have within them, but to allow themselves to value and know that they are worth whatever they want to have. Okay, so how did you get into this? Where did it all start? So it all kind of fell into place you know when you're just like oh i'm meant to do this however when i was so i lived basically like a lie for the first 25 years of my life let's go back back back back back way back all right so like i was born on october 20th 1984 do the math i'm 33 i know it's all out in the world. My birthday's coming up. I accept gifts.

I love gifts. That's my love language. So I was born and then I just like lived a great life. Like my parents were, I was first born. I'm the oldest of three and I didn't really. Where were you born? Oh, the Bay Area. Okay.

So Northern California. Lived there until I was 14. And actually like when I was 14 is when like life got rough. Uh, but before that, I just like love to dance, still love to dance. I played with Barbies, lived my life like the best. And, and my parents were really open and, you know, casually would like wear my mom's dress sometimes. Cause I love the way it made me look when I spun. This is like I was being me. Like that was my truth, right? Like I don't actually wear dresses anymore. Like sometimes when I see Lauren, I'm like, oh my God, I want to wear that. But I don't actually. You can borrow it. Oh, thanks.

That makes me feel good that you think we're the same size. With these boobs, we might be. Okay, perfect. Perfect. It's a dream come true. So basically, I went through life just like loving to perform and just started as I got older. And the thing that I ran into first was like, I was actually always overweight. So I peaked at around 75 pounds overweight. And I was made fun of for that ever since I can remember. I remember when I was in fourth grade sitting on the curb at my elementary school. And this little boy runs up to me and he says, Paul, how much do you weigh? And I go, a thousand pounds. Because I didn't want to say that I was like 140 pounds at 10 years old.

Like, that's a lot. No shame if you are that body positivity. But for me, it was a lot. And that just was how I instilled my life that I had to hide who I was. So then as I started experiencing like an understanding of who I was from a sexuality standpoint and like always just like love sitting with the girls in elementary school and just had guy friends, but just like resonated with women more. I just started just pushing it further and further and further down. So moving into when I was 25, which was when I had this like aha moment when I couldn't do it

anymore. I was in a very toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with a woman. I dated women until I was 25 and it was so painful for me to lie any longer what made the relationship toxic uh there was a lot of just like things said to me like i would try and leave and it's just like if you don't know that this is happiness right now then you're never going to be happy and i was like oh okay great whatever you say like this must be it because i'm trying so hard to fit into this like box when you're having sex with someone i've never asked this question like box. When you're having sex with someone, I've never asked this question on air. If we're having sex with someone and it's not the right gender that you should be having sex with, what does that look like?

That's a great question because I would have to say that it's different for everyone. For me, like I enjoyed having sex with women. Like I did and like, but I resonate more having that male partnership. I always like wanted to have like that man beside me who was just supporting me. And so my my good friend, she's always like, Paul, you're bisexual. And I was like, well, we can talk about that. But like in this day and age, we still have to fit into a box. Right.

So that's like another conversation, a whole nother podcast. But it sounds like it's not about the sex it's more about the partnership that you were that you were missing so it's more of like the emotional thing i would say emotional connection emotional connections but there's a physical connection to it as well you know and just being in it with a person you know like i i just have to say that when i spend time with someone and I care about them, that's what matters most. So do you find yourself still attracted to some women or is it only men? I get attracted to energy.

I was in New York last week and I was going to rumble boxing. And this woman walks in and she's strong and powerful. And I was like, who are you? And I was like, Oh, hi, Richard. I just saw a girl. And he was just like, don't even talk to me about this. But that's not like, it's, it's not a thing. So before we get into that, let's talk about candles. I am obsessed with this new partner for the skinny confidential him and her show. And that is because I have been using these candles for years. Okay. They are called Capri Blue. Now, if you're just starting with Capri Blue candles, you want to start with the volcano. I've told you guys this, the scents are all insane, but I feel like the volcano breaks the ice. The smell of the volcano is iconic. Okay.

They're going to make your house feel like the most cozy situation ever. I mean, light them in the morning, light them at night. I light them when I burn my oils in the morning, listening to Bossa Nova, making maybe a Gigi waffle. You can wind down with them at night with some wine, maybe a little woo, whatever gets you going. I really think that a candle creates a vibe. I'm all about a vibe. I think that I'm all about good energy. You guys know this. So anyway, start with the volcano candle. It's going to have notes of tropical fruits and sugared citrus. Okay, it's so familiar and inviting and fresh and powerful. And what I love about this brand is it comes in different aesthetics. So you can go with something like the blue signature jar, which is going to be blue,

or you can go white. I actually have both just because I think the blue and the white looks cute together. They also have like silver tins. They have all these different colored tins that you can pick from. So you can basically match with your home decor. There's nothing worse than having a really great smelling candle and having an ugly aesthetic on the outside, you know? So here's the scoop with Capri Blue.

They're premium home fragrances, and they also have beauty care, which is fun. All their products are made in the United States, and their candles are all natural soy wax blended formula. It's been fine-tuned to give the ultimate fragrance experience. I actually just gifted Jordan, hopefully she's not listening, a bunch of their candles and it's the perfect bridal gift or housewarming gift or even bachelorette gift. Go to capri-blue.com slash skinny for 20% off your entire order. Okay. Pick up the volcano. Let me know what you think. Okay. So at 25, you have this epiphany. What does that look like? Are you still overweight?

Yeah. So I'm 75 pounds overweight and gaining, gaining, gaining, because what I'm doing is I'm falling into the cycle, right? Of eating to suppress my emotions, pushing them down and then feeling like crap about myself. And the other form of drug that was, I loved was shopping. So I would go and shop, spend a bunch of money, buy some fancy shoes because shoes always fit, right? Shoes always fit. And I have like an amazing shoe collection, obsessed with shoes still to this day. But at that point, here I am shopping, eating, shopping, eating, And I'm like, something's got to give. It's feeling not right.

So the second I got out of the relationship, in two weeks, 20 pounds fell off of me. Because I just spoke my truth. Now that's energy. If energy does not lie, you got rid of that toxic waste. Well, let's break it down a little bit. So you spoke your truth. But is there actions that you'd like, is it's when you get out of the relationship, is it, does it enable you to start taking actions to start losing the weight or is the weight just magically fall off? The first 20 pounds is definitely emotional weight.

Okay. Um, and this is my story. It might resonate with you. You know, I don't know if that speaks to you or not, but for me it, it just like, oh, finally, you're honoring you. And like, you can pull this back to anything. And this is what I work with a lot on a lot of my clients is just like talking about what's your truth? And I was so scared to say, my name is Paul Fishman and I'm gay, you know, like, and I kid you not, like, I was the most scared out of everyone. Because when i came out to my best friend she was like okay well what's for dinner and i was like no i fought this for 25 years come on like give me a little bit and she was like paul like we've just been waiting

and i'm like okay like people knew people knew you know so which is fine you know like uh it's part if i hadn't experienced that hadn't have pushed everything aside i wouldn't be able to help people see that they're worth having exactly what they want, whatever that is. And I'm looking at you right now and you're so like you're skinny, like you're built. How did you, you know, put implement systems into your life to lose the weight? Was there something that just really worked? Tell us your secrets, Paul. Okay, I'm going to tell you my secrets. And so the first thing that I just started going to the gym,

but I had to step through my fear because like walking to the gym, and I don't know if you can relate to this, can be like so scary because there's so many people around you who you think know what they're doing. But everyone's experiencing that, right? So here I am, like I walk into the gym, I start lifting weights, and it didn't really work for me I I did it because I had to and and then I found spin and it was a community it was a place for me to be alone in the dark 45 minutes just to like live live for me and I love music I have my got my bachelor's degree in songwriting so I'm all

about like performance and singing and and so along with the community and all that stuff it like turned into this beautiful thing so that's where I lost most of the rest of the weight and this was all when I was living in New York City and did you change your eating or is this just exercise at that point it was just exercise but But like, I was like, crazy exercise. And you know how when you start on like a new like weight loss, or you can lose weight really quickly, because you're just like working out and your body's like, Oh, finally, we're moving. And, and then you start paying attention that you hit a plateau, right? And then you can't lose the weight anymore. And then I have to start looking.

What do you think has kept the weight off? Well, I've really been able to find out what works for me. I'm a huge, huge believer in intuitive eating. And I also not to what's intuitive. So intuitive eating is just like, listening to your body. Like, you know, when you reach for something, like if I were to reach for these GG sprinkles right over there, I'd be like, Oh, no, there's gluten and gluten doesn't make me feel good. But like a lot of people are used to feeling bad and the bad is the new normal, right? That you're constantly bloated. I have so many people who are just like, Oh, I, I started listening to my body and now I don't feel bloated, but I didn't know that I was bloated because that's how I always felt. It's easier said than done. You know, like I've been on this journey for eight years now. And, but ever since I was a little kid,

like my mom took me off of gluten when I was 10. So it was way country before it was cool. Like being gluten free at a 10 year old, like don't even talk to me about it. Like there was one type of bread and it was disgusting. What do you think triggers, you know, you mentioned that you got, you were addicted to, or somewhat addicted to shopping. Like, what do you think triggers, you know, you mentioned that you got, you were addicted to, or somewhat addicted to shopping. What do you think the trigger was for that? Because I'm thinking that, you know, I think a lot of people struggle with that. And it's something that's less talked about than typical addictions, right? Like drug alcohol abuse.

But that is a real problem that a lot of people run into where they're over shopping or maybe they get bored and they don't do, they start shopping or they don't know what they should be doing. So they start shopping. Have you ever been addicted to shopping? Probably. Because I think maybe. Maybe, maybe not. I don't do they start shopping or they don't know um what they should be doing to start shopping have you ever been addicted to shopping probably i think maybe maybe maybe but but what do you think was the emotional trigger for shopping well like i kind of dug into it a little bit i was talking about how when i would eat all the food that wasn't good for me and binge on that i would feel so horrible that i would go out and i would shop so it's like you can think of it as energy was like a reward thing it was not a reward it was just like a numbing you know just like you drink alcohol just like you do drugs just like any other addiction it's it's a way to numb yourself so i'm out and i get this high from

like shopping and buying a new pair of shoes and it feels so amazing i'm like oh yes i want this all the time. And then it's just like, and then the regret hits and you have it and then the money's gone. And then you don't wear the shoes for three months. And it's just like, Oh, why did I even do this to myself? And then it's like the ongoing cycle. So it's really like, if you think of it as energy, right? So there's a missing piece, there's a void that I was trying to fill. And really that void was self-love. I didn't love myself enough to know that I was worth not shopping, to know that I was worth eating the way that my body wanted to, to know that I was worth those things.

So what's the healthy balance now when you, like, say you want to go shopping now to reward yourself or to get something new and nice. Like what is the thought process now that you've kind of put the shopping addiction behind you, but you, you know, you're still obviously going to shop once in a while. That's a great question. Um, so I got rid of bargaining in my head. Like if I do this, I can buy this, you know, I just want to go out and be like, okay, if I want these things, does it make sense for my budget? Does it make sense for me as does it make sense for me as a human do I really need a seventh pair of Gucci sneakers? Yes, but no you know like

It's a thing I get it, but I'm no I guess I guess I like what you're touching on where you're getting rid of bargain I actually want you to touch on a little bit more because I think a lot of people Run through that practice when they're in multiple things, right? Not just with shopping. Like with food, like you say, I worked out this morning, so I deserve this piece of chocolate cake. So how would you coach someone through bargaining in your head? And a lot of the time it's, it's not the, it's, it's not, how do I say this? It's not the right justification. It's really not a good bargain. It just,

you're giving yourself reasons to do bad behavior. Yeah. All right. Well, I want to tell you a story actually about a client of mine. So my client, she came to me and she had already gone through a weight loss journey, but she hit a plateau, right? And we were just recently talking about this. Now she was in the cycle where she wanted to go work out, but the only way she would go to work out is to know that she was like having like brunch or something afterwards. So she's like, I'm going to work out so I can do this. And then the cycle would go through and she'd be like, oh, but the only way I'm going to work out also is if I go buy a new workout clothes.

So she'd buy the workout clothes, go to the workout so that she could have the food. And it was this ongoing cycle. Right. And I don't know if you can relate to that, but there's always a cycle. And when we broke through it She realized that she didn't need to buy the new workout clothes like she already had 70 pairs of Lululemon leggings Like let's be real. That's all you need I mean you really only need like three she was trying to create a trigger point to get her to go work out and it was And it became an unhealthy trigger point. Yep

So if someone's out there and they're listening in there, they're're bargaining with themselves all the time, what are three tips that they could do? Three tips that they could do is just start to notice the bargaining, notice that, that they're doing that, breathe through it and just take a step back. Those all kind of fall into one major thing, which is noticing. And like I touched on before with my clients, the big focus is allowing them to know that they're worth noticing their patterns. With your clients, what do you see as something that people keep coming to you for? Like you're starting to maybe notice something that's happening over and over again. Maybe it's from social media. Maybe it's something that's really relevant to 2018.

Is there something that you're starting to be like, whoa, a it's something that's really relevant to 2018. Is there something that you're starting to be like, Whoa, a lot of people are coming to me for this. A lot of people are coming to me to cope and deal with anxiety, being anxious to leave the house, or just anxiety within building a business because I'm doing all of those things. And I'm able to support people on that journey. It's really just like noticing. And that's what we work on. So when someone comes to you with anxiety, you just give them the tools on how to love themselves to start with

and use that as the foundation. And you see that that really helps. Yeah. And I love what you said about foundation, because what I've noticed in just the health and wellness space in general is that if we have a crummy foundation, meaning we don't love ourselves, if we're doing something for the wrong reasons, like let's say, like my client,

you're going to the gym so that you can go to brunch. You're going to the gym because you bought clothes. That's a crummy foundation. You're going to the gym because you want a man to fall in love with you or you think once you have a flat tummy that someone's finally going to come along and love you but real talk like you need to love yourself first and that's

the foundation we're building and like those are temporary motivators right yeah because as soon as say you say you're doing something like you're doing something to get somebody to fall and then they do once you've got them then you can go back to bad behavior right and that's normally it's it's a yo-yo pattern of you know whether it's lose weight and gain it back lose gain it back all because like you're doing it for the wrong reasons what are some morning routines that we can adapt that help set the foundation of the day in the tone of the day to make it just a good day with good energy. So this is something that morning routine is really huge for me, especially with my people who are dealing with anxiety. Get real specific with your morning routine. I like to know, like, I want to know, you know, like what cream are you using in your coffee?

Listen, you got it. So I wake up and my cell phone does not leave the bedside table. I use it as my alarm. It doesn't leave the bedside table i use it as my alarm it doesn't leave the bedside table like i go and then i immediately go to the to the bathroom uh scrape my tongue because by by it's disgusting that bacteria on your tongue oh my god i don't trip every day now yeah i love a tongue scraper it's so good and then brush my teeth and then i immediately go and i drink a big glass of water because that resets you know your your digestive system and then I'm really into matcha so I'll make a matcha latte and I actually make my own vanilla flavored

coconut oil I mean I could probably just use some woo in there but you could you could use some yeah but you know I I make my own what was that video you sent me when we were traveling and I was I had a couple drinks but I remember laughing at you sent me when we were traveling in LA? I had a couple of drinks, but I remember laughing. You sent me a video. So I'm a big fan of you guys. So I bought the eye mask that you use. How good is it? Do you like it or no?

It's really good. I have to tell you. Some people don't like it, but some people, I love it. I personally really enjoy it. However, my husband thinks it looks like a tiny little bra. It does, but do you know what I mean? Like it doesn't scrape your eyes. Yeah that company should give you it's also really good if you want to have sex with an eye mask on that company needs to give me some stock all right yeah i feel like

everyone's using that eye mask now so okay so you you're making your coffee you make your vanilla coconut oil so my vanilla coconut oil and then i mix uh mix it with my matcha because i actually can't do coffee. Coffee just makes me go crazy. The caffeine is way too much. So I'll do my matcha. And now that I have the ability to not run out the door because I used to have to be out the door by 530 in the morning to go teach my spin classes. Now that I'm free of that life, I'm able to just sit and I always I go back to my bathroom mirror and I have a mantra that's up on my mirror and it goes like this. So you you have to look at yourself in the mirror and it's I give myself permission to be OK with where I am. I honor the journey and know that I am doing my best.

I love and accept you. I love and accept best. I love and accept you. I love and accept you. I love and accept you. Did you make that up? Yeah, it just came to me. So, I mean, it's based on these principles of just self-love, permission, but have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror

and actually said those words? Like even just I love and accept you. No, but you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to write out a mantra on Michael's mirror that says I am obsessed with Lauren. I am obsessed with Lauren. I am obsessed with Lauren. I feel like that's like, what's that horror movie where if you say the name

three times, they come up and stab you in the back? Yeah, good. You better do it or she's going to stab you. Ego stroking. I love ego stroking. Lauren, you might have a little bit too much self-love. No. No, that movie was Candyman. The movie was Candyman. ego stroking i love ego you might have a little bit too much self-love no but uh that no that movie was candy man the movie was candy man um there's one thing that i really like that you

talk about and it's the toxicity of blaming right where like you you you'll do something and you'll justify it by blaming somebody else's behavior or something that happened to you. Like my biggest thing is I really have a hard time and I get in trouble with this a lot where people will say, well, he has this because of this, or she has this because of that. And I really like to me, like say you're complaining about somebody that had a really great upbringing, right? Like, you know, silver spoon upbringing, and you're sitting there as an individual and you're complaining about it. And you're saying the reason that that, that you're not as far along in this wagon trouble is because maybe you didn't have those same opportunities. I fully get that. And there's a lot of truth to it, but my whole thing is it doesn't help the individual that's

complaining and blaming in any kind of way. It just holds them back further. So what I always try to tell people is there's always going to be somebody further along. There's always going to be somebody that's got a better start, but there's also people that have much worse starts. Right. And, and, and so the, the reason I like that you talk about this is that blame game doesn't get you anywhere. It actually holds you back and hinders you. And I'd like you to touch on a little bit more. Blame is a very interesting thing. And what I love to instill in just everyone who is a part of my community is that instead of pointing your finger, what if you can point your finger back at yourself and say, what can I do differently? And maybe there was nothing you could do differently.

Like, let's say like you got into an altercation or someone was yelling at you or you, you know, someone was just a troll on Instagram. It's just like, I've had those moments where I'm like, okay, I can emotionally react right now. Or I can, you know, go do a little bit of research, pull a Chelsea Handler on them, you know, go in and say, hey, you know, like I got some hate on Instagram a while ago, because I posted like, you eat whatever you want. I got some like major like vegan, like hatred coming my way. And then I, I like slipped into her DMS. And I was like, hey, it looks like you're struggling with something, you know, like, let's talk about that. Like, how can I help you? And she was like, thank you for coming towards my hate with love. Like, even though I'm just frustrated, because I see you with this influence and, and I said, well, yes, I do have an influence. And she said, I wish you would talk about veganism more. And I said, okay, that was a part of my life and I dabble here and there, but

like, I'm just coming from a place of love. Robert Green, one of Michael's favorite authors, I love him too, um, said that if you are going to respond in an emotional way, you should step back and give it a day. And I do that with everything, with my email, with my text message. If I'm upset about something, I just step back and it gives you so much more perspective. Or my dad, my dad also says, Gary, if you're listening, he says when you, and this is more to marriage advice, but he said, when you absolutely positively, without a doubt, have to say something, don't. I always laugh about that one. You love that one.

What is the difference between men and women when it comes to self-love? Women, I mean, the difference is women are ready to do the work. And a lot of men don't even, the concept of self-love in itself, because we have this this we're moving towards this kind of freedom in society where we can talk openly about this but it's just like men have this idea and this is very generalized so it's not everyone uh have this idea that like they have to be just like in charge and be the money maker or whatever that concept of masculinity is. And my few male clients, I have to break through that shell before I'm able to actually get them to understand that self-love is just like actually investing in themselves.

I had one client who was like, man, just investing in your program made me feel like I was worth it because men not only are like, you know, known to be like the breadwinners, but they have to sacrifice. Like why do men have to sacrifice everything that they want? It's like, my dad always says I would have been a ceramicist. I would have made pottery if it, if it weren't for you kids. And I'm like, okay, well, a, that doesn't make me feel good. And B like, go fucking do that then. Like, and make me a vase because I need one. I'd like one too.

Bubble gum pink, please. Yes, please. Same. I want to talk about social media and how that is affecting self-love because I can imagine that you get a lot of people that have anxiety maybe because of social media. You know, it's really, really interesting being a self-love coach with my primary business on social media. You know, it's really, really interesting being a self-love coach with my primary business on social media. So it's this constant thing I'm telling my clients, all right, ditch the cell phone, set a timer, all of this. And they're like, but I found you on

Instagram and I want to watch your stories. You uplift me. And I'm like, okay, well, what if I'm not there? You know? So, but with regards to social media in itself is it even real like what's real and that's what I'm trying to create in my community is like IRL stuff in real life stuff like how can we connect you know like that's why when someone DMs me if I have the time I'll send them a like a video message because I love that and it's just a way for me to connect on a deeper level so I think knowing noticing that social media is causing the anxiety, once again, noticing what's going on. Being aware.

Being aware. It's the first step. You've done a really good job at, I think, self-promoting yourself and being entrepreneurial and being a hustler. If there's someone listening that has an idea, because I mean, a self-love coach, I think is a really, it's a niche, right? If they, if someone's listening, they have an idea to create a niche, where would you recommend they start? What are some systems that you used to get this business up and running and gain the

traction that it's gained? Yeah, that's a great question. Well, actually I like to do what you guys always say, which is just launch now and modify later. Uh, I was not ready to be a self-love coach when I launched my program, but it was so necessary. I just had to do it because I am very, very good at overplanning myself out of business. And I think that's what we see a lot. People are just saying, well, I've got to get, you know, I have to get all the automations. I have to get all of the apps.

I have to make sure I have to read all of the books. But all that time that you've spent researching how other people did it, because right? Like I'm not going to be able to do it the exact same way that you guys are. You're not going to be able to do it the same way I am. And that's the beauty of being a human with individual ideas. So it's just like jumping in and knowing that it's not going to be the same that it was like, you didn't know two years ago that podcasting was going to be huge for you guys. You just like started it and have fun. It's just, it's the same. I, right now I do one-on-one coaching. Who knows within three months, it might just be group coaching. Who knows? If you look at the progression of things, right? Like this is what I, this is why I will say

launch fast and adjust because you can overthink and over plan yourself out of business. And a lot of people don't realize that like if you're say you wanted to be a blogger and you've been sitting there and this is going to discourage a lot of people, honestly. And it's, it's, but it's, it's coming from a truthful place. You want it to be a blogger and you've been thinking about launching a blog year goes by. Okay. Now it's maybe thinking about in 2015, then it's 2016. Now it's 2017. Now it's 2018. You're still like, Oh, I'm going to do it. 2019. Honestly, if you're trying to launch a blog now, there's opportunity, but it's so difficult. Now

there's so much competition that you literally all that time you spent thinking you could have been writing and talking about your process, doing the blog. Let's talk about this. Cause I completely disagree with you. Let me finish. So it's, there's still opportunity and you could still shine on online. I'm not saying you can't, but let me finish. So there's still opportunity and you could still shine online. I'm not saying you can't, but I'm saying all of that time thinking about and waiting for it to be perfect. You're just letting more and more people jump into the space. If we would have waited and waited for this podcast to be perfect and tears like you can

see now podcasting is, of course, that's where the Dear Media opportunity is. It's like it's a really it's the space blowing up. It's emerging. But if we would have been sitting around waiting for that perfect launch, we would never be where we're at. And I, so I always tell people like, if you have an idea, even if it's just a whim, just go and adjust as you go. You're not going to have a million customers the first day anyway.

So you have time. Right. I agree with everything you're saying, but I don't think it's too saturated. I'm not saying it's too saturated. I'm saying you've, I'm saying it's, you're letting other people come into the space. I'm saying it's a lot more competitive than it was and you and you wait around you know i've seen so many times where people tell me an idea and i'm like okay you're launching you're launching and then all of a sudden i see that idea pop up somewhere else and i see

someone just pretty much out execute them right outwork them they out hustled them and that's what i caution people against like don't give your competition the opportunity to do it before you do yeah especially if you have the idea today. If someone's an entrepreneurial, uh, if someone's an entrepreneur and they're listening, what are three tips that you would have for them? Go with your gut, you know, to trust that intuition. You, the first thing that comes to your mind more often than not, is the thing that you'll regret not doing if you don't do it. If you have a partner or a significant other, like include them in the business, not in the sense of having to merge them,

but like talk to them about it. They know you better than sometimes you know yourself. So really get them involved and also celebrate everything. Like, because it's so easy to focus on the negative. Like, oh my gosh, I had a client call and they said no. Or, oh wow, I have 20 other clients that I'm working with right now. That's good advice. We need to celebrate more.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree with all of that. But I also like, I like the yin and the yang. And I also think that you should be cognitive and aware of some of the negative stuff because that makes you better. Like if you're, say you're a writer or a podcaster or a video influencer, whatever, or even if you have a product-based business, seeing where customers or consumers are unhappy and there's trolls obviously that you can

ignore, but then where it's actual constructive criticism, paying attention to that. That's what I think make business thrive. Loving the business, being passionate, but also being aware like, okay, how do I improve? So while we're on the hustling subject, I want to tell the audience how you pitched yourself to us, because I found it so unique. It was, I mean, just everything about it. It was quick. It was efficient. It was to the point. It was good energy. And we just wanted you on the show immediately. We said, literally watch a video. He said, yep. Yeah. Give us like all the details of that. Okay. Well, well i just always love video like what i said and that's like another thing like if you're trying to get in touch with

someone send them a video that's great advice you guys i'm giving that away for free like you're welcome that's the jam that's the gem so i created a 90 second video with a 60 second pitch and used like my really fun editing skills and just you know said said what it was i was like watch this and then get to know the person that you're talking to like i could have easily made like a run of the mill just like blank canvas and sent it out but like i said your names and i said lauren if you're walking on the treadmill or michael if you're sitting at your desk like knowing you guys so and then you're like at your desk, like knowing you guys. So, and then you're like, Oh, he knows. And I think you said yes, even before you heard my pitch, I was just like, it was just really personalized. And I think it's a really smart approach for anything and

getting in touch with anyone, even if you're not pitching yourself for media, just like even looking for a job or trying to get a job or whatever. Like, it's just a really smart pitch because it was, it was so personal. Like, personal like okay this person actually cares put some time into it they're not just some pr publicist that's out pitching everybody there's a lot of celebrities that will use their likeness to get bloggers to do things by sitting on a couch and saying hi lauren i want to tell you about my new product launch but you can tell that the celebrity has said 80 other names before you right so like while it feels personalized it's actually not personalized if that makes sense and I think nowadays people are getting a little bit lazy like PR people reach out and you can tell they just

switch the name out what you did right is you told those little anecdotes about Lauren you're walking on the treadmill like things like that was so personal. When I launch a product, I want to be able to do things like that. I think it was so creative and it feels actually personalized as opposed to fake personalization. You know what I mean? A hundred percent. Okay. So, um, I kind of want to create my own morning mirror mantra with you. And I want you to walk me through how I can do it, but also walk the audience through how they can do it at home on their own. Right. So a mirror mantra is something that can be big, something that can be small. Like I said before, my mirror mantra is all about just like the baseline is giving yourself permission so my question to you Lauren would be like what's something that you want or you you just like deeply know that needs to be part of your life that you don't have yet uh it could be it could

be something that is material it could just be something that you want to find out from within yourself can it be business or personal? I feel like I need to. Okay. I feel like I need a personal, like a personalized one and a business one. Okay. They don't think they can intersect? Well, it just really depends because the energy that you put in is the energy you're going to receive.

So it, I don't think that they will, but just like you, it's crazy. The things that you put that you put into the world, how you'll get them back. Like if you ask for it, it will happen. And it's just owning your power. I want to be able to be more present in, in the present and not always look to the future. I think sometimes we're, and Michael and I are both like this. We're always like looking what's next, what's next, what's next. And I think that it's gotten me this far with my business and it's been something that's been a really powerful tool, but now I think it's hindering me. Um, we have so many successful people come on the show and say the reason that they started a business or whatever it is, is to prove something.

And so many of them say that it's gotten them this far. But then it's almost the thing that gets you that far. You have to like rework it as you get older, if that makes sense. Oh, yeah, totally. So mine would probably be to be more in the now. And I think that that can relate to my business and my personal life. What's coming to me is just, I give myself permission to celebrate the now, you know? So instead of just because, and you're not alone in this, like 80% of the day statistically is spent either, uh, with worrying about what happened in the past or anxiety about the future.

Only 20% is present. So like you can even get 25%, 30%. And being present. That's going to be really, really powerful for you. So I would just throw something in just like saying what you want. I want to be present. Or if you're looking at yourself in the mirror, you are present. Because you're speaking to yourself. I like it.

Yeah, it's easy. So if someone wants to create a mirror message at home, what are the steps? So the steps are, so you can actually go to my website, paulfishman.love. And there, if you sign up for my email newsletter,

you actually will get a mirror mantra that can start you off. And that is just very, very simple. Like I love and accept you because it has to start with acceptance. So you can get that. And then from there, And that is just very, very simple. Like I love and accept you because it has to start with acceptance. So you can get that. And then from there, I just really, really recommend writing down what it is you want. Like what's your why for living?

Really? Like what's your why? The why is so important. The why. I just wrote a blog post on that last night. I love it. The why is the foundation. Yeah. And if the foundation is broken or the why is someone else's why, like for the first 25 years of my life, my why was my parents and my girlfriends

and everyone else's why my boss's why it wasn't my why. And the second it was my why everything flipped. How is working with your significant other? Cause that can present some challenges in itself. Yeah. So, uh, Richard is my biggest teacher. He would say, Paul, you preemptively like quit all of your jobs. Like this is not sustainable yet. And I'm like, well, I'm being called to do this full time. So I just have to do it. And he will always be like, he's a tourist. So he'll always be like the bull. He'll always be like, he needs that security, that stability. And he always has to be planned. And I'm like, what's a plan? Let's just go. Let's just do it.

Sounds familiar. Yeah. Are you a bull? I like a plan. You do like a plan. You know, then there's that saying, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. Exactly. How are you supposed to plan?

Like tomorrow? It's just like, who knows? I completely agree with you. We're best friends. But I think sometimes I think there's a healthy balance between both. Absolutely. You can't, yes, you can over plan, of course, and be living too far in the future. But at the same time, not having a plan or some type of structure could also take you the other direction.

Are you like trying to give me hints over here? I'm just saying I agree with you that I'm a little bit turbo, but I also think that there's a middle ground here. So when you guys work together, what does that look like? Is there fights? So primarily, like the biggest fights

that we've gotten into are always about money and it's always about like, you spent what on that, Paul? And I'm like, yeah, I did. But you know, it was a valuable investment. And what is it?

So what would a valuable, like when you talk, what's a valuable investment? I mean, like a huge closet to display all my shoes. No, I did buy that. And he was like, you what? Why? Anyway, but like, you know, hiring a coach for myself, you know, that was a really beautiful investment that I didn't include him in and it blew up in my face.

So that's what went back to my advice of just communicating. Like, because that's a big thing for me too, is just saying like, this is what I want. Like we live in San Diego right now. And I was like, Richard, I want to move to LA. This is what I want. This is when it's going to happen. Tell me how much money I need to make, to make you feel comfortable doing that. And he was like, it's going to be a big number. I was like, game on. Let's do it. Come move to LA. You'll be our neighbor.

We're moving up here too. I mean, yeah, I'm just great. I'm into it. Okay, awesome. Okay, so if someone is interested in checking out your coaching, pimp yourself out. Tell us all about it. Yeah, so my coaching is a transformational program called the Self Love Diet. And it's a three tiered program and the three tiers are within the name. So the first tier of the program, we're working on self and self is individuality. So in this day and age, sometimes you might think, who the fuck am I? I don't even know. Like, what happens if everything went away? Who am I as an individual without the career that I define myself with, my family, my friends? Who is the real me?

So I help everyone who comes into my program figure out who they are, what really serves them. And then the next tier, we're working on loving that individual who might be newly discovered. So it's all about getting devoted to that individual. And then the third tier is all about diet, but it's not the diet that you're thinking of. Because if you look in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the secondary definition of diet is habitual nourishment. So I'm giving my clients the tools to learn how to habitually nourish the devotion to their individuality. And it's really beautiful. It's very, very simple. But the explosive results that I've seen with all of my clients, it just blows my mind, the breakthroughs of just finding out who they are.

Because then you can immediately drop the things that aren't serving you. And so like me, dropping, being in a relationship with a woman, dropping, not going to the gym, dropping all of these other things helps me radiate here and be authentic and be vulnerable and be courageous and speak my truth. And every single one of my clients learns how to speak their truth and not be scared to do that. I love it. What's your Instagram handle so we can all go follow you. Everyone needs more self-love. Even me, Michael. I don't know about you. Well, you know, I think you have a lot of self-care in your life.

A lot of self-care. And self-care is different than self-love because if you are giving yourself like a facial, but you're thinking I'm doing this so that I'll have better skin so no one is going to judge me, that's negative talk. So when you're giving yourself a facial, it's like I'm doing this for me. I love myself. I love that I'm going to have like bright, dewy,wy puffy whatever skin that I do it because I love how it feels I love to I love to do my self-care, you know this. Oh, yeah, you went to Moe too. She told me

You should get a little bit more husband love Lauren. That's what you need more of Yeah, maybe you should do a coach coaching session called husband love Yeah, you know what my that my goal and dream is to work with more men and to work in relationship I I see myself growing into this like corporate type of structure where I'm walking into big companies and being like teaching everyone how to live a more positive life what's your instagram handle it's at paul fishman my first name paul last name fish like the things that swim in the sea, man, like me. I love it.

Thank you so much for coming on. You guys will leave his info in the show notes. Thanks, Paul. Thank you. Hey, guys, don't forget to check out the new podcast site over at tscpodcast.com. All of the show notes from this episode and all of our other episodes can be found there. It's a really awesome resource that highlights all of the great people we have talked to, all the different books and resources they have recommended,

as well as services, as well as all the things that we have recommended. It also has a section for new listeners trying to get caught up to speed. So check it out, tscpodcast.com. We also have an Instagram, if that's easier for you, more of your cup of tea, at tscpodcast. Check both of those out, and we will be back Friday.