The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - #99: Sex With Emily - The Foundation For Great Sex, Self Love, Masturbation, Foreplay, Porn Vs. Unhealthy Porn, and What Kills Sex Drive

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

On this episode we sit down with Emily Morse. Emily is a sex and relationship expert, Doctor of Human Sexuality, and creator and host of the iTunes top-rated podcast Sex With Emily. On this episode we discuss the foundation for great sex, self love and masturbation, foreplay, communicating with your partner properly, the difference between men and women in the bedroom and what kills sex drive. We also dive into jealousy, porn vs unhealthy porn, the most common issues with bad sex, and sex toys in the bedroom.    To connect with Emily click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE This episode is brought to you by WOO FOR PLAY  Even Better Sex. Imagine That. WOO FOR PLAY is the all natural and organic coconut love oil that is changing the way we have sex. With only 4 all natural ingredients WOO is the perfect personal lubricant to spice up your sex life.  All Him & Her Listeners will receive 20% off your entire order plus free shipping when using promo code SKINNY at checkout. Go to www.wooforplay.com to buy today now. 

The following podcast is a Bostick Media Production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostick are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the Skinny Confidential, him and her.

Aha! I see a couple crow's feet. Well, you have been a crow for a long time. Are you using your Dr. Dennis Crow syrup? I have been every night. Let's step it up a notch. Hey now. Hey guys.

Happy Tuesday. Thank you for tuning into the Skinny Confidential, him and her show. Today we have a guest who's been at the top of your request list for a long time and that guest is emily morse from the popular podcast sex with emily on this episode we discuss the foundation of great sex self-love masturbation how to communicate with your partner for better sex, foreplay, the difference between men and women in the bedroom, porn, sex toys, and the most common issues with bad sex. Wow, that's a mouthful. Very sexual show. Wow. You can say that again. Okay, so for those of you who are new to the show, I am Lauren Everts. I created the blog, The Skinny Confidential, eight years ago while attending San Diego State. The goal was to create an online community that was super nonjudgmental, kind of a place for everyone to share their tips and tricks. On the blog,

we talk about everything from facial massage to sex to the importance of wearing sunscreen into business tips. The Skinny Confidential is a YouTube channel, podcast, blog, and book now. And I am Michael Bostic. I'm an entrepreneur, investor, business operator. I specialize in business development and direct-to-consumer sales. Over the last 10 years, I have developed, helped to develop, and manage multiple business in the online space. Okay, so what's been going on with you? Because I didn't see you this weekend. Day 31, still sober. Thanks for all the support, everyone out there that's been going on with you? Because I didn't see you this weekend. Day 31, still sober. Thanks for all the support, everyone out there that's been rooting for me and sending me words of encouragement.

You have an advent calendar for how many days you've been sober. I feel like you like open something in the morning. I did not realize how unclear I was until I like completely cleared up. That sounds so weird on the show, but okay. No, I'm telling you, I'm like, I like week three, I stopped thinking about it altogether. Like wasn't, you know, didn't really want to party. Didn't want to go out. Didn't care about my social life anymore. Sounds, it sounds bad, but I was just like super, like not, I was just not missing alcohol at all. And then this last 10 days, I've been hyper-focused in the groove, like working a ton, but not

working, not working in a way where you're like slaving away and you're super tired and exhausted, like working in a way where I'm super motivated because I'm hyper-focused right now. You're hyper. Yeah, I'm hyper. Like right now, you know, what time is it? We're recording this intro. It's 11 o'clock at night.

He just asked me if I wanted to drive to LA. Yeah yeah we've got to go to la tomorrow and at midnight yeah and i said i'll drive that's a three-hour drive yeah but it's no big deal for me because i'm just like in the in the groove and i figured like maybe i'd sleep until like seven tomorrow as i get a little extra sleep i'm on this whole thing you know i'm gonna sprinkle something really fucked up into your tea tonight like maybe maybe a little magnesium with some CBD oil. Well, now I'm not going to have any tea. So, tricked jokes on you. I am really proud of you for being sober for 31 days. It's a big accomplishment.

45 to go. 45 to go? Yeah. Really? Yeah, but you know what? At this point, it's... Wait, we're going wine tasting in March. Well, it looks like I'll be having some apple cider or something because I'm not doing it.

All right. Well, we'll see about that see you are a bad influence I mean a glass of rosé here and there at this point I'm not missing it like I said and I'm feeling good you know so I want to stay on it okay well I was not sober this weekend I went up to LA with

Jordan, Faye, Mimi your mom, the crew Tara couldn't go our our other sister, because she was working an event. Because she's smart. No, we had a really, really good time, actually. We drove up after I had a work meeting on Friday night until like midnight. And then we woke up at six in the morning and drove up to LA. We did like a girls thing. And first we went to a wedding dress store, Galeana Laval. I hope I'm saying that right.

I'm probably not. Probably not. Probably never. I don't think you've ever pronounced the name correctly ever. All right. Well, that's the song that never ends. We went to Galeana Laval.

I think that's not how you say it, but whatever. Stop saying it. You don't know how to say it. I just like to say it. I was with Wesson today and he goes, you know those things, the guill guillotines i'm like you mean a guillotine all right well you know you don't know what that is either you're like one of those people that

pronounces quesadilla quesadilla no i'm not that bad well i am so we went to that store we tried on dresses jordan found a super cute hot suit for her rehearsal party. And then we went to another place to try on dresses, didn't find anything. And then we went to the Ivy and had the best lunch ever for like a hundred hours. It was what I call a leisurely lunch. I got off my phone. I was super present and we drank champagne and ate guacamole and pizza and pasta and cookies and everything we could shove in our face. And then we went back to your- Skinny Confidential Exposed. Yeah, that was Skinny Confidential Exposed. Then we went back to our house and your mom bought us these little naked men, like these tiny little naked men. I don't want to know anything going on.

Actually, you know what? This whole episode, I don't want to bring my mom or any of my family members up at all. And as a matter of fact, if any of our family members are listening right now, let's tune it out. Godparents, dads, moms, cousins, whoever it is. I want you to actually turn this episode off because we're not going to be able to communicate in the same way after you hear this episode. So just get out. Listen, don't look at those things and say, oh, you know, Michael's just joking. Just literally just do yourself a favor and just Brad. And this is mostly you, Brad. Brad, turn it down. Turn it. No, not down. Turn it off. Move on. This is not the episode for you. Don't laugh and giggle and still listen. There's plenty

of other audio entertainment out there. This is not it. Okay. So your mom bought us these like little men that were in Speedos. Some were naked. Didn't we just say we're not going to do this? No, we are. And so what you do is you hang them off your cocktail. So we were all hanging them off our cocktail. And your mom gave me the one that was named Brad, which was really creepy because that's my dad's name. Anyway, after that, we went to the Beverly Hills Hotel.

So we just continued the leisurely party. And I'm really hungover, it's Monday so I'm not drinking for a while well really wish I was there looks like I missed out I could have hung you off my drink naked so we're gonna be driving up to LA tomorrow not tonight hate to break it to you honey and we're going up to work in LA all week and then we are super excited because we have the opportunity to be the keynote speakers at the good fest next saturday next well this upcoming saturday so we're speaking on business and branding and wellness and we're just really really excited to meet a bunch of you guys and have a drink or in michael's case a topo chico or perrier well they have topo chico

i'll bring you one i got you the lime flavor the other day and you didn't say thank you. So we'll be speaking. And when Lauren and I speak, I think we like to do Q&A a lot. So who knows? We're going to cover all sorts of topics, anything. Who knows? Maybe after this podcast, there'll be a lot of sex questions. I hope they're for you.

I'll be like a Dr. Oz type character. Speaking of sex, before we get into it, Michael has some news. And I feel like this news is super fitting for this episode in particular. So first, let me give you guys the backstory. Michael and his partners have a new product. It's a product that was completely inspired by you guys. Completely. Completely from the blog. So a few years ago, I did a blog post on the Skinny Confidential about using coconut oil as

lube. If you're a ride or die, you know what I'm talking about. So I had hundreds of messages and DMs and emails about how much better sex was after using it. The blog post I did went viral and you can read it on the site. If you go to the Skinny Confidential and search coconut lube, maybe you guys will remember it. It's kind of a TBT. So like I said, the post went viral. A bunch of my guy friends came to me and talked to me about how insane their sex life was after incorporating coconut oil in bed. This is a very true story. Weston, Michael's partner, and also one of our best friends came to us and said he loved it so much, but he wasn't a fan of digging his fingers in the glass jar. As you can imagine, that's not very great. And he thought the product was missing

something. So he, he then said to us, he's like, wait, let's create the perfect lube. So Michael and him have put their heads together and created Woo. Woo was an all natural organic lube with only four ingredients to make sex even better. Yes. And trust me, it is better. Can you not say that with a smile? Lauren, you can, you can attest to it. You know it. The ingredients are simple and straight to the point. It has unrefined coconut oil in it. It has vanilla essence for a better scent. It has organic beeswax for better consistency, and it even has stevia for a better taste. So yes, you can put it in your mouth. It's edible. I had to consider all the people that like

to go into the oral department. Yeah. Listen, it's like cupcakes. It does taste like cupcakes. Yeah, it's good. It smells like cupcakes. The whole situation. I sent some to some of my buddies and they're like, this tastes like cupcakes. I was like, it's true. You can thank me later. So the product Woo for Play is perfect for spicing up the bedroom. I mean, of course you guys know we've tested it like a million times, like a billion times. And I can tell you our sex life was immediately enhanced. I feel like adding Woo to the bedroom just adds more intimacy. it's better sex and it's obviously more fun don't you think honey obviously having a lot of fun it was important for us to not let the bedroom ever get stale and to always add new things into our routine so that's why we feel like woo is perfect it enhances the whole experience it's exciting you can use it for sex or massage and

what i like about it too is if you want to give a massage and go into sex, it's supernatural and normal and not some weird chemical. It's not like those other gross lubes with the chemicals that make your body all sticky and nasty and gross. You can literally just use it for a massage. I mean, no one wants to rub some gross lube all over their body. Can you imagine? No, it's like, no. Woo for play is great for the single girl who wants to kick it up a notch, but it's also ideal for the woman who's been in a relationship for a while and wants to add some sass to her sex life. Regardless, it's a win-win. I just feel like who doesn't want to have better sex? Anyway, I thought this was a perfect episode to talk about

Michael's new product because sex with Emily, right? It's also Valentine's day around the corner. And I promise you your significant other will be very much into better sex on Valentine's day. Men are really hard to shop for on Valentine's day, but at the end of the day, all they want is better sex. So this is the perfect gift. So slip him some woo with a little love note and get ready for some fun in bed you can order woo for play online at www.wooforplay.com and all tsc readers will receive 20 off your first order and free shipping just use, P-L-A-Y.com, and use code skinny for 20% off. All right. What's your tip of the week? My tip of the week is obviously to use and to try Woo. Why wouldn't it be? It's the sex episode,

Valentine's Day leading up. In all seriousness though, we have really put a lot of thought into this brand. And I think it's an amazing product. As some of you guys know, like this is what we do. We develop products and brands. And I think this is going to be an amazing product line. We're starting initially with the Woo. But we think this brand is going to really grow. And it really is an amazing product to try.

And, you know And for the women out there looking for something for Valentine's Day, listen, as a man, enough. We're going to have to go out. We're going to have to do some big dinner. We're going to get the wine. We're going to get the flowers. We're going to get the chocolates. Listen, it's a lot of effort on our end. And most of the time we fuck it up and we get nervous. And at the end, we really, after all this effort, we really- Just want, after all this effort, we really just want a cupcake blowjob. I don't want to just say we want one thing, but it's an important part of the equation on that night. And so, you know, spice it up a little bit,

bring this in the bedroom. I promise your men will thank you men right into me and thank me later. I noted. So since we're talking about sex so much this episode, I actually want to talk about confidence and being sure of yourself. So like I said, this episode's all about sex and I just think that confidence is super important in general, but I also think it's important in the bedroom.

So lately I've been hanging out on the Skinny Confidential Facebook group and I see that there's a common theme of some girls asking about relationships and sex. And I think when it comes to this subject, my advice would be lead with confidence. I talk about this on the blog a lot. You guys are all badass, and I think that should shine through in the workplace, the home, and in the bedroom. So throw on some sexy lingerie, get into some sexual self-care, the home, and in the bedroom. So throw on some sexy laundry, get into some sexual self-care, light candles, and don't be afraid to spice it up. I'm super excited for Michael's new product because it empowers women to change the conversation around sex. The girl has it on her terms. She brings the lube into the bed. There's nothing wrong

with feeling confident and secure in the bedroom. Do you lead with confidence, not insecurity. You're the creator of your own future and you guys can spice up your sex life in a lot of fun ways. Don't wait for your significant other to do it. I like to do little spicy, fun, sassy things for Michael all the time. And if Michael's lucky, maybe I'll do a little twirl and a thong tonight. A little twirly twirl. I think our energy needs to completely reflect confidence and we really need to do us and do us on our own terms. And that also includes the bedroom. There's no reason to feel insecure about sex at all. We're all human beings. A lot of us are having sex. Lead like a badass. Agree.

Emily Morse is a sex and relationship expert, doctor of human sexuality, and creator and host of the iTunes top-rated podcast, Sex with Emily, which has helped millions of people achieve the love life they desire. Recently, Esquire magazine named Sex with Emily as one of the top 12 sex podcasts, and Morse has been voted the number one dating and sex expert to follow on Twitter. Thanks to her educated and friendly approach, Emily has proven to be the go-to expert for

all things sex and relationships. Emily, welcome to the show. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. Okay, Emily, give us a little bit of background and how you got into talking about sex to so many people. Okay. Well, I started a podcast in my living room 12, almost 13 years ago in San Francisco. And it was because I came out of the documentary film world. So I worked in politics and then I did this documentary about San Francisco politics. And I realized after that, I just love talking to people. I love interviewing people and people always, you know, opened up and were comfortable with me. And I realized, okay, for my next, you know, being artists that you,

if you're going to delve into something, it has to be something that you're super passionate about and that you want to learn about as well. It's not just like, I'm doing this for hire, at least for me being an artist. And I was like, I've always been excited, but yet confounded and confused at the time around like, how do you have great sex? Like, what does that even mean? I mean, I was having sex, but I felt, you know, I'm possibly an overachiever. I am an overachiever. But when people were saying last night was the best sex of my life, I was like, really, what does that mean? Like, I want to have the best sex of my life. So I just started asking, invited friends over to my house. Like literally the first podcast was like, really, what does that mean? Like, I want to have the best sex in my life. So I just started asking, invited friends over to my house. Like literally the first podcast was

like gay, straight, married, dating, dating online, like asking them like what, and the show is about dating, sex, relationships, marriage, love. But at the beginning it was like, how do you have great sex? What does that mean to you? And so that's really where it started. And I realized like those layers, there's so many layers to what makes great sex and great relationships my other big thing was my again it started out as like I was not the expert it was more like and also how do you stay in a long-term relationship and keep sex interesting it seems like it's not working for anybody if we know that half of the people after the marriages end in divorce and and the other half people

are together aren't that happy or they're not having amazing sex. I just wanted to figure out all of that. So it started out just reading every book I could get my hands on and interviewing people. And then I went back to school and I got my doctorate in human sexuality a few years later. But really it just started from this drive I had. And I figured if I invited people onto my show and they told their real stories

and it eventually became experts and all that stuff, I thought we could all learn from each other rather than just reading a textbook, hearing real stories, how people got from like meh sex to like amazing sex. And what's the first layer of going to meh to amazing? You said there's lots of layers. I almost wanted to dissect that. There's so many layers. Yeah.

I feel like the most important thing with sex is communication. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more that you get comfortable talking about sex, the better sex you're going to have. So then the communication layers is a lot of it is we, I mean, there's so many layers here because we could say, yeah, talk about it. But for a lot of, I'm going to say women especially, but also men, we don't even know what we like. So if a guy says, hey babe, like does this feel good? Does that feel good? Or what do you want to try? We might not even know because we didn't even do our work to figure out what makes us feel good. We don't spend nearly enough time self-loving with masturbation and spending time like, how do I feel good?

What are the moves? What can what can I do with my hands, fingers, toys, um, to, to really realize our full pleasure potential. And so I think that a lot of women are socialized to believe that someday my prince will come. And so will I, meaning a man will ride up on a white horse and he's going to have all the answers to unlock my sexuality. There's a vibrator hanging off the tail. Literally. Like lube on the back of the horse, right? He's got everything.

And because I don't know, I mean, I didn't get a secret manual. I always thought that men were shipped off to some school, like in some private school somewhere where they were learning all the secrets to my body because I didn't know. It's more trial by error. Right. Exactly. Well, now that's the truth is, and then we'd also have to figure it out together. So I think the first thing is really taking the time

to like get into masturbation. It's not dirty. It's not wrong. There's a lot of women who are like kind of, I wouldn't know where to start. And I talk a lot about that on my show and it's Sex with Emily on my podcast. We've got so much information about how to like start

if you're beginning mindful masturbation. There's a lot of layers to it. So that's kind of the's kind of where does someone start if they want to start masturbating okay so if you've like someone who's never masturbated say say there's someone that's listening that's afraid but curious where would you how would you guide them through it okay I would say the first thing would be to draw a bath for yourself and put some bubbles in it, play your favorite music, turn your phone off or put it in the next room, light some candles. So it's really about the senses because what happens for women a lot is that we are unable to get in the mood for sex. We're unable to even orgasm because we're in our head. We're either thinking about our to-do list,

we're thinking what we didn't finish, we're worrying about how our body looks. What Instagram filter should I use? What Instagram filter? Exactly. Like, shit, was that the right one? Did I get enough likes? How can I, like, be having sex right now

when my mind is awash in the million things? And so how do we, like, quite... So when you're practicing, you know, this masturbation practice, which is fun, by the way, once you do it, you'll be like, how did I never not? You want to engage all the senses because that's the way you can kind of anchor into being present and being mindful and not being distracted. So you build an environment, you construct an environment that just makes you feel calm and in your body.

So you take a bath. You've got like the candles, you've got the music and you just start settling into, you know, to get out of the bath, get in your bed, have the music going, the candles, the scents,

lock the doors if you have roommates and you just start touching your body, like really like light touch with your fingers, you know, use some lube or massage oils and just start like, how does it feel

when I touch my nipples? Like what, how does it feel when I like on my inner thighs and you just don't go right for your clitoris and start, you know, you know, you work through it. You foreplay yourself. You foreplay yourself.

You tease yourself and you turn yourself on. And then you start exploring. You mean the clitoris is where the magic happens. The only reason why we have the clitoris, the only reason it exists is for female pleasure. There are 8,000 nerve endings in it. The penis has 4,000. That's it? We have 8,000 and you only have four? Always just half as good. The women just trump the men, right? Everywhere we go now. And so, and the thing is, it's not just the button. It's a little like, so first of all, you want to tease

into it and you don't want to like go right into rubbing it. You want to like use lube. Lube is like your best friend. Lube is so underrated. And you just start putting a few drops on your hand when you start masturbating on your fingers, make sure they're clean. And you just start lightly like rubbing around that area, start touching it, like feeling what, because women, if you put a hundred women in a room and they were all masturbating, think about that for a minute, and they were all touching themselves, they would all be doing something different. Like someone might be moving in circles. Someone might be tapping. Someone might use fingers inside.

And you don't know until you try because I could give you all these, you know, again, on the website and my show, I've got tips to get started because you just might not know. So here's some hand motions. You can use some finger motions and just start seeing what makes you feel good and brings you to orgasm or even just gets you turned on. And it's not, and also the clitoris is not just the button. There's legs that extend inside of you.

There's like a clitoral legs. It kind of looks like this, like a wishbone. Are you taking notes on this? Yeah. We'll talk after. I'm figuring out. I gotta look for the legs i have legs it's behind your like your labia so sometimes for women it's like when you're turned on you'll

realize that the the clitoris starts to engorge and then all those nerve endings like inside of your your vulva and behind your like labia like your lips those that's where there's also energy and there's also nerve endings so just start playing around and seeing like oh this feels good that you know i don't like that or i didn't know my nipples could get so turned you know aroused by me touching them so it's like really just playing and it's a process it's not like one and done it's going to take you it's a lifetime i feel like a lot of guys if they're listening need to understand it's not one and done right well i also think a lot of girls if they're listening, need to understand it's not one and done. Right. Well, I also think a lot of girls, if they're listening, you need to understand like what

you're basically saying is a lot of this stuff needs to be figured out before you can communicate to the partner in your life. Because, you know, like you use the example of a hundred women in a room. How the hell is a guy supposed to know which variation of that hundred you are if you don't communicate with them? And this is why my heart goes out to men because it's in for many ways. But I feel like we expect you to know. and how the hell are you supposed to know? Because what if your last partner wanted fingers and wanted toys? And this one's like, if you touch, if you put your

fingers inside me right now, it's going to hurt. I'm mind blown. But the good news is that for a guy, what you really have to do then is to, is to just pay attention. Cause a woman will give you signs and clues about what is feeling good. She'll be like, is her breath quickening? Or is she saying, ouch, everything is clues with the women we're giving. Maybe we could get like some kind of map, you know? No, really? Like I've got maps. I bring you my book. I told my assistant, she just dropped stuff off. I don't know if I, my book, I'll get, I'll get it to you guys. But it's like, it's really just, um, and so for men it's really just like schematics you know but for women yeah men they're not mind readers we want them to be so badly i know maybe i should

keep you i should keep you around all the time see well we're fine i'm right over in the corner i give clues all the time yeah you do being clues everywhere about everything okay right right exactly like how did you not get that and then we think we've had these conversations with our partners and we didn't because we said it once that's not a conversation and we're like why didn't you do this so yes so it's part male it's men paying attention and it's also women having the confidence to say you know what if you move to the left if you move to the right like this or showing them with their hands or using your hands and don't be afraid during intercourse since you know women need the reason why only 30 percent of women orgasm during intercourse is because they require more clitoral

stimulation than the penis can provide so you you need it like for women it's whether it's your partner's hands your hands a vibrator it just you got to get in there and do it so you can also you know show your partner or whatever what feels good but that is what's going to help women have that orgasm they can have a g-spot orgasm but for many women when they're clitoris when they're aroused and they can have a clitoral orgasm sometimes it's easier to have other kinds of orgasms and just to be aroused so that's why foreplay is amazing because for women, we're not ready for penetration right away often. Like we really, if you put that time in, like turning her on, teasing her, oral, playing, kissing, I mean, making out is one of the first thing that goes. Men get so lazy with

making out. Oh my God. Can you write a book called men are lazy when it comes to making out? Yes. And like, please, they get so lazy. It's like, they just want to like roll you over and stick it in. And we're like, what? Like,

I didn't even know you got home and you have a boner and I'm not ready for sex. So right. And so, but they don't write. We're like, what? We misread the clue.

You did. If there was a clue, but no, but the thing was, here's the other thing. I mean, God, you guys, you can reel me in. Cause I could go the whole clue. If there was a clue. But no, the thing was, here's the other thing. I mean, God, you guys, you can reel me in because I could go off on a million things here. But men and women get aroused very, arousal and desire, very different for men.

Like you walk in, you see your wife, you're like, oh my God, she looks so amazing. And you're ready to go. And you're like, but I was just doing this filter. I'm still filtering my Instagram and I'm so not ready for sex. And so it's very confusing, right? Cause you're like, but, but I want, and so what women require is this foreplay thing. And I can explain to you ways that you could get her in the, but women require at least 15 to 20 minutes and it doesn't necessarily have to be, um, all touching and kissing. Although that's great. It could be like in the morning when you left, you're like,

tonight, you know, I'm going to do this thing to you. I'm excited to bake out tonight. It's not like showing up to like a sports match and being like, let's get it done. Like good game. Like that's not, that's not the right way to do it. Right. You can start planting seeds throughout the day, but there's definitely like something to connecting before you just stick it in. Cause 99.9% of women are not, we're not wet. We're not turned down. We're not even thinking about sex. So like, if you think of it in. Because 99.9% of women are not, we're not wet. We're not turned on. We're not even thinking about sex. So like if you think of it this way, women are slow cookers. And men are frying pans.

So we're like slowly getting turned on and aroused. And you're already aroused. So we got to kind of, and it sucks, right? What's the universe doing to us that we're so different that way? But if you figure out that formula about like, oh, this is what's going to work, you guys can find your own. So what's some practical, so to kind of, I don't want to say dumb it down, but to give some practical advice to a young woman or man in their relationship and they want to start being very intimate. What is the, what's the first step

to get on the same page? Because, you know, if we're frying pans and what was the other example? Slow cookers. I'm a crock pot. Okay. Then like over days you need to season. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

You're like a, like a, like a stew. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you, how do you get them on the same page so that they can, they can be intimate together successfully?

Um, well I think it comes down to, I mean, I mean, and again, you guys, everything I'm saying is not every woman, every man. Yeah. I'm just talking over 13 years, all the emails and tech people I've talked to and to, I mean, understand, I mean, and again, you guys, everything I'm saying is not every woman, every man.

Yeah. I'm just talking over 13 years, all the emails and tech people I've talked to. And this is what it comes down to is that, um, I think it comes down to like a connect. And sometimes it could just be like you walk in the door and you hold it. You,

you like embrace and you hug and you look into each other's eyes. Maybe you make out a bit. And how was your day? Cause we, we crave, we all crave intimacy. And I think for a lot of women, we want to be seen. We want to feel adored and cherished and tell her how beautiful she looks. If you really feel that when you see her every second, every second, like I always tell men like compliment her 10 times a day. And they're

like 10 times. I'm like, if you do it once, we're happy. Right? So if I can get scared, you do it once. Right? That's another thing they're lazy about. The compliments. I need compliments. Maybe I'll set some alarms. Do it. I'm serious. I'm serious too. I feel like that would work for you. And you can be like, babe, I was thinking about how hot you looked like last night. Our sex last night was so amazing. And tonight I'm just going to like, it's your night. I'm going to massage you. I'm going to. So those are some things like the compliments and then just feeling connected before you even jump into it. Another great thing is, so stress, anxiety is, is probably one of the biggest killers of our sex drive because we're all just freaking stressed out, distracted. And so I think massage is a great way to get us both in our, to get us all in our bodies to kind of release the tensions of the day

and kind of get you more in your body, more in the mood and releases that tension. So if you came home and like gave her a massage, use some sensual like massage, or it doesn't have to be like an hour massage. It could be like, babe, lay down. I'm going to get your feet here. I'm going to massage your feet or your shoulders. Cause then you're like, and then you're getting into your body or even vice versa for like a wife or girlfriend that's husband stressed. Are you leaving yeah this is a little clue that this is a men we need massage too but it's a great way to be like you know and even to take sex off the table and say you know what let's not tonight we're just gonna connect we're gonna massage we're gonna make out we're gonna oral sex foreplay for couples who feel like their sex life has been strained because of this you could just kind of let's get to know each other again like let's

tease let's play let's make out let's play with some toys or do something different. But that's, those are just some ways to kind of get grounded and connected and just to, yeah, to turn you on because, because the way that men, like I said, they get aroused, you'll get aroused by looking, but for women, it's our, our mind. So when your brain gets on board for sex, like our body can follow. And so what I mean by that is like, um, if we're not already thinking sexy thoughts, like, so for women, when you're masturbating or the more that you masturbate and the more you think about sex, the more sex you're going to want to have. So for women, it's also on you.

It's not just your guy. So that's why the practice of masturbating, whenever it feels right, a few times a week, um, even once a week, you'll start thinking about it. Um, let's talk about masturbation a little bit. A lot of girls get pissed off and insecure if they're guys masturbating without them. What do you, what would you say to them? That's a great, that's, I would say for the record, just so you know, I'm, I'm, I think men should masturbate. Absolutely. Go do your, well, I want, because we get, there's questions. I'm a fan of the masturbation there's questions that come in like

even girls will reach out to me and say like yo my husband or my boyfriend was masturbating like what do you think of that i'm like i think like any guy that says they're not is probably lying to preserve your feelings so healthy but it's good for them absolutely men need that release i mean men they masturbate it's like separate has nothing to do with your partner men were masturbating before they met you they're going to masturbate in a relationship women should always continue to masturbate and they'll they'll continue to do it has nothing to do with his feelings for you if he's watching porn with a blonde and you're a brunette it doesn't mean he wants to break up with you and date someone else it's just it's it's just their imagination it's really like a release of when does it get unhealthy

super healthy so that's a good point so that of course like When does it get unhealthy? It's super healthy. So that's a good point. So that, of course, like anything, it can get unhealthy. Here's when you know you have like a problem with that or if it's an addiction or if you're addicted to porn is when you, it just, you can't, there's consequences. So you can no longer get turned on without watching porn. You can't leave your house because all you're doing is watching porn and you lose your job. Or you have to keep watching porn

that keeps raising the bar to certain levels of stimuli that keeps getting so not realistic to what's going to happen in your real life. And you realize that your ability to be attracted with your partner and to have actual sex with a person is compromised because of all the porn in your head. to have actual sex with a person is compromised because

of all the porn in your head. So I think it's a good experiment for men and for women to kind of sometimes not watch porn and use your imagination or just focus on your body. Unhealthy for like, let's just use, stay on the example of the guy watching porn. What is unhealthy for a woman's viewpoint on that? Like at what point is it like if you're getting jealous or if you're getting insecure? Great. You talked to him. So a lot of, and I was that woman when I was 24, I, I was dating a guy and he was really into porn and he was watching it. I remember seeing what he watched. It was like this woman with like large fake breasts and she was blonde and I'm brunette. She was big and tall. And I, and I'm thinking, and at the time I thought,

wow, this is like the amazing sex. felt so connected it was this intimate relationship and I felt so jealous and I really did not and I think a lot of women relate to this I was like it's so confusing to me when we're having this amazing sex how could you possibly want to do that it felt like it was cheating and so what I have to say to that is that the truth is it has it's really separate from you that it's complete. It actually makes your sex life better for a lot of times when men have that release and you feel like you need it for stress. I mean, for me, like a lot of times it's not even like it's, it's even for mental clarity. I know that sounds weird.

No, you ejaculate, you have clarity. That makes total sense. Yeah. It's like, and I think a lot of men, like, I think it's unhealthy if men are suppressing that. Yes. Right. Like then, and then they're going wanting or there's, you know, they're not clear in the head or there's a million reasons why. I mean, it's a natural men are suppressing that. Yes. Right? And then they're going wanting or they're not clear in the head.

There's a million reasons why. I mean, it's a natural function of the human body. It's for the prostate. For men, it's really, and for women, it's good for your skin. It's good for menstrual cramps. It's good for confidence in the bedroom. It raises your, like you get the dopamine from orgasm and serotonin. I mean, it's healthy for men and women all the time.

And so for women who are jealous, it's almost just more like an understanding, letting, you know, definitely talking about it together and saying like, I'm uncomfortable with this, but just really getting to that point that it's not against you. It's not anything that he's doing to, to spite you. And I feel like for men who are hiding it, um, you got to bring it up again and just say, I'm still doing it. And here's why. And a lot of couples run into problems by hiding it, right? Yeah, you shouldn't be hiding any of this stuff. If you're in a relationship, you got to just have a better understanding about it. And it's going to take maybe one or two or three conversations or maybe several to get over it, to get comfortable with it.

And also, I think it's great for couples to, I love mutual masturbation. So we're talking about how do you guide your partner. Mutual masturbation is an excellent tool, if you will. I hate using the word tool when it comes up, but it is. It's a great tool for couples to be like, oh, there's a lot of female-friendly porn. You're like, let's watch it together. And when we're watching together, we can talk about like what turns you on, what doesn't, would we want to try that move one day? So that's what's great for porn. But mutual masturbation is when you're both actually doing what you do

it's very intimate but then you're like it's hot right to kind of watch your partner do it but then also it's it's really informative because you're like oh i didn't know that he put his hand all the way up and down and holds on to his balls or does this thing over the tip and you're like oh that's what he does that makes our life so much easier and vice versa vice versa she's spinning in circles and tapping and using her finger and loop. Oh, I'm going to do that with my tongue or my fingers or my penis. So, and it's hot. So to me, if you're uncomfortable talking about it,

there's just all these little hacks, sex hacks, if you will. You've talked to so many, I mean, 13 years of doing this now. 5,000 podcasts. Holy shit. Wow. You've talked to so many people. And I'm assuming at some point you start to see a lot of common issue when people come to you and say, hey, we need some advice or we're having some issues. What do you see as the most common issue where problems start to occur?

The most common questions? Questions or issues with couples or issues with individuals where it's like, okay, I've seen this so many times now. Okay. I would say the biggest issues are mismatched libidos. You want sex more than your partner does. And then it flips sometimes your relationships. Sometimes you want more than, you know, it flips back and forth. So I think the communication around like, when are we going to have sex? How often are we going to have sex? So that's a big one. And what is your answer to that? What's normal? Like what's a normal amount to be having sex?

You know what? I don't love putting a number on it because then people feel like I'm not normal or, you know, but I would say the average what I hear is like once a week feels really good for couples. But it has to feel, if it feels great, you know, twice a month for you guys and you truly are both super happy with it, you're both down, that's fine. I'm not going to tell you you should add a few more times. So it's kind of like you do you. Yeah. You do both of you.

Yeah. Because if one isn't happy, then you've got to compromise. You've got to say, okay, I get it. Twice doesn't work, but where are we going to find that third time? Well, you get up early. I get up later. Then you're like, you know what? Saturday nights is our night that we're going to have sex.

And you schedule sex. Now, before everyone freaks out. That's the least unsexy, you know, it's most like the least sexy thing you've ever heard. It's sexier than not having sex at all in my opinion. Exactly. Yeah. If you've got to schedule it, schedule it. Right. So for a lot of couples, we can put it in pink. Right. Exactly. We'll have the assistant schedule it. Yeah, exactly. Why not? Because that also really helps with women because if you know that you're having sex on Saturday night, then all week long, you're like, you start to like think about it. I might shave. Maybe I'll put on deodorant.

And you'll make, right. You'll shave. You'll get the manicure pedicure. You'll wear that sexy lingerie shoved in the back of the drawer that you've been waiting for forever that makes you feel good. Not your partner, but that the stuff that makes you feel sexiest. And then when you're getting ready on Saturday, yeah, you take that bath. You do all those things that make you dance around your room naked. You're looking in the mirror. You're, you're, you're just sexist top of mind. So then when it's happening that night,

you're like, I'm ready for this. I'm excited. You're in the mood. I think it's genius. I think that's super smart. How important is intimacy when you're, if you had a pie as a couple, how important is it? Is it half? Is it a third? Is it different? It's the umbrella. Like it's literally the circle around the circle. It's the, it's the, it's the border of the pie because intimacy is without intimacy. I feel like we don't really have a real connection with our partner. Intimacy is the act of really being seen, feeling safe, being comfortable. And intimacy also, how it can physically manifest is it can just be holding hands. It can be kissing.

It can be looking into each other's eyes during sex. And so I feel like for a lot of couples couples when that intimate connection is gone and you're just like doing the jackhammer and rolling over falling asleep like to me that's not intimate it's sex but it's not intimate so I think you know couples crave certain amounts over different times but I feel like you know especially when you get women get pregnant or you have kids and it's like the intimacy is one of the first thing that that goes and I'm like, well, even if you can't have sex, you can cuddle and the cat that's intimate. You can like, you know, hold hands, you can massage. Like those are intimate acts as well. So I think it's really important to constantly be working on enhancing your intimacy. There's a, as you were talking, there was something

that I remembered, um, that I wanted to ask you about. And it's been in my mind. We, we have, I won't say their names on the show, but we have a couple that we're friends with, really, really good friends. And they have some issues sometimes. But what I see, and I don't want to throw anybody under the bus, but the woman, they're clearly frustrated with their sexual life together.

And what I see is that frustration's manifesting itself where the woman is constantly berating the man about how he can't perform or how he can't. But they do it in front of, like, we'll be at dinner and it'll happen. My stomach hurts from this. I know. For me, I don't want to say, I stay out of it because it's super uncomfortable hearing that with your friend. And then for the woman, but as a man, I'm looking at it because I know a lot of, some women get frustrated and that's their go-to is to kind of like attack but what it does is now having private conversations with him he's like listen like i'm fully just like defeated now like i don't want to

do this and then he ends up going somewhere else yeah of course he goes somewhere else so how do you how do you what would you tell a woman who's like she's very frustrated how do you communicate with a man to not make him feel bad but to get get him back in the headspace of like, okay, I'm going to get intimate again. Right. Wow. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like contempt to me. Like, right. She's full contempt. Yeah. And contempt. So do you guys know about the Gottman study? There's this guy, um, John Gottman, and he did these studies around sex and couples, and he could, he could predict looking at couples. He's been doing these studies over 20 years. He could look at a couple for like five minutes and tell whether predict their, their, um, predict the possibility, probability of their divorce rate. And contempt is one of the big number one factors when you are,

when you are, you know, making your partner feel bad, you're berating them, you have resentments and they build up over time that shows up as contempt. And that's just really ugly and angry and being like, you never do this. You never do that you never do that and it's really hard to to kind of have a healthy relationship through that so i would say you gotta just and if they are loving they want to make this work they've since split of course i telling you it's if she's berating him not only in the bedroom but in the public yeah i'm trying to caution women and men that may be frustrated how to resolve that before it gets to that point. Because I know a lot of people get frustrated and they're, you know, they're upset and their instincts like, you know, this is not on me. This is on you. And they're,

you know what I mean? Okay. I got it. So is it the fact that he wasn't staying hard or he was ejaculating too quickly? No, it's that I think they just stopped being intimate together, but it's not that they weren't intimate and other, like not to throw people under the bus, but it's since split, but it's not that he weren't intimate and other like not to throw people into this but it's since split but it's not that he wasn't an intimate person it's just they start to look for other places and you're looking at a partner you say you know this person is making me feel terrible and it's making me feel like i can't do this so you know you're still sexual person yeah so i basically the question i'm trying to get to is how do you caution a couple to not get to that point i i would say that sex has to be a top priority.

You have to prioritize sex in your relationship like you do. Like if you're in a relationship and you're talking about all these things that are important to you, maybe you're leading towards marriage. You talk about, you know, your financial plans. You talk about, are we going to, if we have children, what religion are we going to raise them? Are we going to live in the city or country? And what kind of, how we are going to prioritize our sex life.

We can't ever put it on the back burner. We have to have a healthy communication about it and it has to just always be top of mind. So there will be no, if couples start talking about sex right away, there won't be this like month that goes by where you don't have sex because you're constantly talking about it. So in the moment, if you're having sex and something's doesn't go right or, or there's something you want more, you really just have to start like, babe, last night's sex, you know, I love. You got to be also really careful because you can be very hurtful to your partner if you talk about sex in a way that's blaming, shaming, judgmental. You, you, you, you never do this. You never do that. And you have to just reframe it like, babe, I like the compliment sandwich approach.

So tell me all about this. And you have to just reframe it like, babe, I like the compliment sandwich approach. So, God, I love you. Tell me all about this. Okay. I really, like, are, okay, let's give me an example of something you'd want to try in the bedroom that wasn't working out. Okay. So, say, say that. Let's do this for you guys.

Legit. Like, legit? Oh, I think you, I'm going to give this to you. What's the question? Okay. How she's going to say, how she's going to deliver some sex, how she's going to let you know what she really is requiring, right we're talking about communication i think for us like our biggest issue that we'll run into is that we're both extremely type a and extremely busy

and i think everyone's busy but for us we have you know she's doing her thing i'm doing my thing and then it's like trying to build build build build i get it we have a good sex life but it could be always be better right always that's what's amazing about sex is why i've never done because it's always getting and it's sometimes it's like getting on the same page where it's like oh shit are you doing blog posts or am i working on something and it's like what we also have a problem too where he wakes up super early and i go to bed super late how do you find time right it's we travel a lot together and like the like i always think when we travel it's like boom yeah it's like different areas but but i think that would be the biggest issue that we would face is that okay people are we get busy and there's different schedules and it's like different areas but but i think that would be the biggest issue that we

would face is that okay people are we get busy and there's different schedules and it's like like if i'm in the mood or and she's not or she's in the mood and i'm not it's like getting on the same page and figuring that out whether it's scheduling or not i like that idea probably the biggest issue i think it's like i think it's then it's it's scheduling it and it's also compromising so you might be a little tired or you might like i'm not ready for bed yet maybe you go in right before he's falling asleep and you're like and then some mornings when you're going to bed later you just know what i can ask you now okay the phone in the bed and the working in the bed see i mean it's so easy to do but it's so i think that the the the bedroom should be for

sleeping and sex bingo and i think you remove the television, plug in your phones outside. It's all true. He's so proud of this. Yeah. No, I have a problem shutting it off. Listen, I'm not going to gloat because that's not the way that I'm going to. But you're gloating.

That's not my compliment sandwich. Right, right. But, yeah. What's the compliment sandwich? Okay, here's the compliment sandwich. You're like, okay, so let's say you want to kiss more, right? We've already talked about that.

So let's say. Totally. Let's up the kissing. She's like, babe, God, I love the sex that we're having and I feel like, you know, um, I love how you, uh, touch me. I don't know. What do you love? What are the things you tell me? What's something that you love that he does sexually? Oh, let's make it real. Um, or in general, I, I really enjoy doggy style. That's awesome.

So, babe, when we do doggy style, it's so hot. Like you grab my ass and I get really turned on. And you know what would be awesome? Like if before we did that, like making out with you and like looking into your eyes and like when you suck on my lips, like that would be so. You get to balance it out. Yeah. You know, you got to balance it out. It would be really hot to do that too. Like that would even make that doggy style go to the next level.

So let's try some of that. Yeah. For us, it's like just keep enhancing the situation, keeping it consistent because like obviously you're not together with someone this long without having good chemistry and good sex. But it's continuing to have that and continuing to like as lives get busier, as there's kids coming in the equation. Make it a priority.

Yeah, to make it a priority. Always a priority. Like you are both so – like you want to go to the gym for a while, you're like, I gotta go. You guys know, well, I'm not feeling, you know, you really like, we're not feeling connected, babe. What do you think it is? God, we haven't had sex since Saturday. Let's figure this out. What can we do this week to make sure we feel connected? So that's the compliment sandwich. Yeah. The compliment sandwich is like, I loved last night. It was amazing. I love doggy style. It would really be fun if we could kind of make out, um, beforehand and that would be great. And then I feel like, and then, and then you'd end it. So

the middle part, the first part is the positive. The middle part is the constructive criticism. And the third part is another reinforcement. So, yeah. And so I feel like, um, if we, if we were able to make out next time, having sex, a few kisses, like, I feel like it would be next level pleasure for both of us. Love it. When is it time to for both of us love it when is it time to not for us but when is it time for like let's use that couple that i talked about earlier when is it time to pull the plug like there's got to be some people that there's there's no sexual chemistry right like we've all been in well i don't want to speak for everybody but you get you get with someone sexually and there's just like it's the umbrella there's no electricity right like in my you can't create that like no matter what like in the past, if I'm with somebody,

like sometimes there's just nothing there. Like you think there's going to be, and then it happens and there's like, eh, like this is not. Right. So what do you tell people? Like people that there's no electricity, but they respect each other. They love each other personally. They're trying to stay together as a couple, but they're just, it's not happening in the bedroom. I got to be honest with you. There's a few things that I think are not flexible that I like state as like a certain, as a rule, because it can be damaging because people are like, no, that's not how we are. However, if you never ever had chemistry at the beginning, you didn't even have it for a second, but you were best friends and we tried to make it work. You can't go, you can't build it.

But if you had it and it was amazing and then it's gone because you didn't focus, prioritize, you had children, you traveled a lot away from each other, you can tap back into it. Okay. So what if someone's doing these positions like missionary doggy style, like all, all the different positions, how can you spice each of these positions up? You know, I know a lot of girls like to be on top because they're getting their clitoris stimulated. What are things that people can do to add in or just like fun, easy, quick tips? That's a great question. That's a great question. So I would say so for woman on top, for example. Yeah, woman on top.

Let's do that. So for woman on top, I think it's great to – there's different variations of the position of ways you can move and stuff like with you. But I think that women kind of know – let's add some things you could add to it accoutrement so let's say there is a vibrator that you could put on your you know you could use a penis ring like a i think i bring you guys one i love a vibrator in the bed and michael doesn't care but i know some men get mad though i think there's a lot of men that get mad about that what can you tell them i never understood that i just look as it's helping me out couples vibrator that you wear during intercourse and it's by remote control it's called the sink by we vibe and you actually wear it we've tried this do you know what she did she put it on backwards

one time this is this is the better one ours is like no this is the one from what's the one you she put one on backwards one time and it almost broke me right i put this part and i was it was really hurting and I was like, you already have, I wanted to know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have the old one of this. Maybe that's too much information.

this one is why it's their best is it's controlled by an app, the WeConnect app, so you could control it if you wanted to on your phone or by a remote, but also it bends to your body now so it won't slip out.

You can move the problem. That's what I was going to say, the problem. It slipped out. So this one is so much better because it will not first it almost broke me and then it was so now like but i think she just needs this is such a nice gift thank you so much you're so welcome and i brought you guys some massage candles and some lubes i love it but um so so i think like using first of all lube lube lube everyone should use lube every time they have sex use a few drops

um of lube because it just like warms you up our clitoris isn't self-lubricating either. So when you're on top, you can use a toy. You can, a lot of women like nipple stimulation. Like nipple orgasms are super, are like the second most common type of orgasm or third. But women don't even know they can get there. So play with your breasts. Like have them like use nipple clamps.

Dress up in like costumes or something. Like I feel like when we wear something that makes us feel sexy or role playing, that can be, you know, really fun too for, for any kind of position. Um, what are some other hacks? Okay. So for doggy style, you love doggy style. There's something called the doggy style strap by sport sheets. What's that? Okay. I have to come to my office because I've got this massive sex toy closet that's like, oh. So you put it around her body so you can kind of position her so your arms aren't getting

as tired and you're not like just standing in this awkward position, but you can truly like- Traction. Traction. And you can pull her in as tight as you want. You can kind of drive it. Sometimes I'll pull the hips. And then there's a vibrator on it too.

And the inside, if you want, that can also be like on your clitoris that sounds amazing right so these are so yeah there's a there's a g-spot link i feel like i need to just like blog about this and be like yo everyone needs to get all their girlfriends doggy styles or doggy styles no listen sweetie i i'm we will drop off stuff if you guys want to try it and talk about it we I love bringing pleasure products people because it's just like, if this could be the, because it's also every single person like go easy on yourself. If you're with someone over, it could be three months, three years, 30 years, your sex life

is going to get stale if you do the same thing over and over and over again. So adding in some little things like, you know, dripping massage oil on each other from the candle, which feels amazing or using toys it's just something different it's new and different and different sensations and you're doing it together so your adrenaline is rising because it's like fun and connective what would you tell women with men that are uncomfortable with sex toys because that's been coming up this is a question we've gotten asked myself i look at it as like wow if anything's going to help and it's going to make her experience better, like better. It's like, it's like, you've always been like that too.

Since we first started dating. But a lot of men like think it's like an attack on their masculinity or. No, it's nothing to do with the guy. Yeah. The guys, guys think that, um, and this is funny cause I, like I said, I've been doing this for a while and people at the beginning, I feel like sex toys are much more commonplace now. Thank God. But I feel like the main argument here is like, it should be a natural orgasm or my penis should be able to do it. There's something wrong. Men feel inferior. They feel like I am letting you down. You need something else. My penis isn't enough. And when men feel inferiority complex

around their penis in any way, it's literally like they're so emasculated and they feel like the toy could replace them or it's better than them it's just think of it as like it's like an ice cream sundae like you get an ice cream sundae it could be great just you know you could put some chocolate sauce i'd love some pomegranate seeds too but then you're like oh tonight pomegranate seeds and sprinkles that was that was still dessert but it was a little bit pieces yeah right so you're like the viper just think of it as like your new best friend it's almost like having a threesome and you don't have to do all the work okay speaking

of threesomes we got questions about this what's your take on that okay oh yeah i'll tell you but there was one more thing i was gonna say about the toys oh is it that i just want to tell guys like oh here's the thing vibrations also feel great for men so you take a little clitoral vibe or the this we vibe when i gave you the sink you could use this in your hand and rub it over as a hand job helper. You could just use this on your clitoris. You could use it around his shaft, his balls on a lighter setting. And men are like, whoa. Do you want me to do that after this podcast? Like right now? Maybe not. My next meeting, give me, plug me in and I'll just be on your shaft. You could wear this in one room and you guys could be long distance and you using their

app that connects this, you could control it and you could be like, babe, wear that tonight. How's that for a hot foreplay or hot connection when you're out of town? I feel like men need to get more creative. No, there's so many ways. I could go forever. Everybody. I just, I think the reason we wanted to have you, we wanted to do this for a long time

is because it's still, even in 2017, 18, it's still so taboo with so many people and really like, I time is because it's still even in 2017 18 yeah it's still so taboo with so many people and really like i don't think it's tab it's i know none of us do not in la and yeah but but a lot of the three of us yeah but it's still like i want people to be comfortable with this because i think you know when you talk about cheating you're talking about strays or you talk about a relationship going bad like sexuality is really it's it's it's a focal point of a lot of these issues exactly it is sex is almost everything when sex is a problem in the relationship it's like 70 of the problem but when of your issues or 80 they say but when you're not having a problem with sex it's like takes up five percent of your time it's not even a big thing because you're connected but when sex is a problem

it's a problem i can tell like you can't if she starts to get angry or i'm like shit we better like have sex because she's gonna be no i like have i i'm i it's a problem. I can tell like, you can't have, if she starts to get angry or I'm like, shit, we better like have sex because she's going to be, no, I like have, I'm, I'm, I,

it's like the gem. I need clarity. Right. Exactly. And I'm like, fine to say that. I think that women should be more open

about saying that and being like, no, this is what I want. This is what I need. Right. What I want, I'm glad you said that

because what I so badly want for women is to just take control of your sexuality and do not care that your partner's going to judge you or if I show up with the condoms or if I get on top because I know that feels better that he's going to think I'm too experienced or too slutty and I should just lay back and let him figure it out. No, men get to talk about it all the time. Why can't we talk

about it? Take control of your sex life. Women, you guys, we have such capacity for pleasure and most of us never tap into it in a lifetime. So that's why this masturbation thing is great because starting out you're like, oh, I had an orgasm. You might realize if you continue with it, you could have crazy orgasms and sensations. Maybe like the back of your neck could give you an orgasm. I'm telling you, there's a rod in his bones we don't even know how to discover. So I just want to empower women that it's 2018 and this is the year for you just to like take control of your pleasure. Let your freak flag fly guys. And if they judge you, if a guy makes you feel bad,

not your man. Next. You say next. He's not your guy. Okay. Questions about threesomes. What's your thought on that? And what's your thought on, is it something you can do if you're not in a relationship? If you're in a relationship, is there no normal? Absolutely. Okay. So threesomes are the number one fantasy for men and for women and one of the top questions i get asked you said the top questions like how do we do it so my rules around threesomes are you always want to use protection condoms like if it's a guy with two women um change condoms and you know change condoms in the middle they can't even multitask what do you mean you can't even scratch they can't scratch their head and be on the phone

you might have to help them. I get it. Right. And some guys are like, I can barely handle one. I don't know how to handle two. Um, but, but for threesome, you want to make sure you have, you know, if you're in a relationship, there's different ways to talk. First of all, threesomes can be really healthy, but again, that's all about communication. You have to talk ahead of time. Like what, let's say you're a couple and you want to bring in a third. Cause that's what I get. Do you guys get asked that a lot? Is that what you're. I'm referring to more like everyone in my secret Facebook group has so many questions

about threesomes. Oh my God. If you want me to come in and. Yeah. You should come in. Totally. Yeah. Pop right in.

I'm not, I'm not allowed in. It's women only. No, it's women only. And it's 25,000 women. And a lot of them have been talking about threesomes. And I think that's something that no one talks about. And I just. What are they asking? They're asking when is it appropriate? How do you do it? When

you're in a relationship or not? Um, both. Okay. It's been both questions. Okay. Yeah. I would say the thing about threesomes is, um, let's say you're not in a relationship. So what they call is like a third, here's the most ideal, I think threesome scenarios when you're all unattached, maybe you're none of you are really together, but you all meet at a party or your friends and there's even apps for this now if you really wanted to find a third and so there's that's kind of eradicates like the you still might have jealousy but if it's a couple bringing in a unicorn which is like the third that's like a whole nother thing because you've got to really that would be tough talk ahead of time and any scenario you got to be like are we having penetrative sex? Is anyone sleeping over?

Are we cuddling? What's off limits for you? Which seems really not sexy, but these are the kind of things that you need to talk about. And so, and the thing about it, once you get into a threesome situation, you'll kind of realize it's like a dance. And so you just, it's not like you do this position, then I flip you over, then we both give them a blowjob. It's really not that linear, but you're going to know in the moment if you're all paying attention and touch like,

like what to do, but you, you want to make sure that it's, you feel safe. There are people that you know, um, you have discussed ahead of time, what feels good to you, what doesn't. And the second things don't feel right. It's okay to say, no, I don't want to continue. It's all communication is what you go. Oh my God. Literally that is literally the umbrella of everything I do. Because when you ask the biggest questions earlier, it's mismatched libidos, but it's also how do I get my partner to do blank? Or how do I get them to stop doing blank? We just don't know any of it. But as you said, it sounds unsexy to plan it through and think of it.

But I think a lot of people jump into it. And all of a sudden, there's maybe a new feeling. They're a couple, and then there's the guys or the new girls develop feelings for the guy or vice versa. It's like this whole problem because nobody thought it through. So when a couple – so, yeah, I was going to say there's a whole set of rules for couples bringing in a third, and they have to talk about it ahead of time. Like who's – you have to both meet them. Go to dinner first. Meet for drinks first.

Don't have the threesome that night. See if this is someone you really jive with. And then you guys discuss on your own, will there be penetration? Is she sleeping over? Am I comfortable if you make out with her? What if in the moment I change my mind and I actually want to make out with her? It's so complicated.

I'm too tired. This is so busy. It's like that's so many different things. We could do like a whole episode. We could do a whole episode. I have three tips, true. Last question to end it off. Three tips for good oral sex, blowjobs, and what's the right word to call it?

Cunnilingus. Cunnilingus, okay. Oh my God, three for each? Sure. Okay, so for women, I think going down on a guide, the number one thing is enthusiasm. That you really just want to be into it. You want to be focused.

It's the most delicious ice cream cone you've ever had, and you don't want to miss a drop like you are into it you want to be doing it and i know for women like ew but i don't like it and that's like a whole nother i could keep going on that i've talked about this forever but really just enthusiasm i think for men too like if she just looks like she's like bored tears and not excited that doesn't turn you on no it's terrible well and then you feel like it's yeah yeah i don't think i have that problem. No, you don't have that problem. But I've passed lives.

So I think enthusiasm, and I think that also it has to do with pressure. Like you have to make sure that you use your mouth and your hands. Like your hands are your new best friend. Like every blowjob was like an infant handjob. It's like that song. Orphan handjob, right? A blowjob was an orphan. So use your hands.

They can twist around because women are like, I can't get it all the way in or my mouth gets tired. Not if you use your hands right. So you want it to be wet. Use a lot of lube. Use your hands for enough pressure and technique. And so it's enthusiasm. A little ball tickle.

Ball tickle. Lightly starting with the balls. And then I would just say make sure it's wet enough. Wet. You don't want to be like hurting them with friction. And what about guys for girls? Go slow. You always want to go slow. You want to, you maybe use your fingers and hands. Let's see my three things for men would be to, I think my number one sex tip for men across the board is to

go five times slower than you think with everything. With undressing her, with making out. Five times? Yeah. Well, or three. Okay. But I think like for men, you got to go higher sometimes because they don't get what it means. Like, so yeah, a little bit slower. Three times slower, whatever works. And I think that you want to tease. So build her up. Don't go right for the clitoris

because for a lot of women when they're not turned on yet, if you go right for her hotspot, it kind of can even hurt. So I think like teasing around her like inner thighs, even around her whole pelvic area, her pubic mound, like you're just playing with it and tickling it. So tease and then move into it and then practice with different tongue strokes. So again, lighter, use like a flat tongue. You might want to go up and down or side to side, but just pay attention to how she's reacting to that and how she's feeling and then i would also say um what else like i guess you could use your use your fingers but only if like

maybe some toys oh toys are always huge for all sex i love it because you could use a toy inside of her maybe like an insertion toy if you're also you know using your mouth and i just think toys are yeah i don't know how well men can multitask just educated it's already plugged in and ready to go okay thank you that was amazing oh so fun you'll have to come back on and we'll have to do like a niche one yeah thank you so much thank you for the toys too my scented massage candle make sure you read the instructions lauren on how to i'm gonna show you use that one i bought you some other stuff too so i'm gonna pour this all over your ass tonight oh i bought you some thanks emily okay you're going to pour this all over your ass tonight. Oh, I bought you some loops too. Thanks, Emily.

Okay, you're welcome. Thanks. Wait, just a few things before you take off. Do you guys want a short email from me? Tipsy Thursday is a quick email with loads of value that includes five tips from me. I'm super excited for this week's Tipsy Thursday because it is all about sexual wellness. It'll also include my favorite song of the week, my favorite show, and my favorite book. It's a super short, tiny little aperitif for you.

To check it out, just go to theskinnyconfidential.com and click Lauren Everett's and then subscribe. Super easy. Drop your email in and you will get the next one. Enjoy this one. It's very sexy. Secondly, giveaway time. To win a TSC meal plan. Simply tell me your favorite part of this episode on my latest Instagram. And lastly, as always, if you rate and review the podcast, please, please, please screenshot it and email it to asklaurenattheskinnyconfidential.com and we will send you my five top secret beauty hacks straight to your inbox. Thank you guys so much for listening. We will see you next Tuesday. This episode was brought to you by Woo for Play. Woo for Play is an all natural organic coconut love oil. This personal lubricant is perfect for Valentine's

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