The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast - Amanda Kloots On How To Turn Pain Into Purpose, Heal After Loss, & Build Unshakable Resilience

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

#967: Join us as we sit down with Amanda Kloots – health, fitness, and lifestyle authority who has evolved into a multi-platform Emmy-nominated host and actress. A leading voice in the health, fitness, and wellness industry, Amanada is entering a career-defining year. In this episode, Amanda opens up about healing after loss, the reality of grieving a loved one, how her early career on Broadway shaped her resilience,  and the personal practices that have carried her forward through life's most difficult moments.   To Watch the Show click HERE   For Detailed Show Notes visit TheBossticks.com   To connect with Amanda Kloots click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE   To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE   Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE   Head to our ShopMy page HERE and LTK page HERE to find all of the products mentioned in each episode.   Get your burning questions featured on the show! Leave the Him & Her Show a voicemail at [phone].   To shop Proper visit https://go.shopmy.us/p-55462693.    This Episode is sponsored by The Skinny Confidential  Shop the limited edition Eden Rock x The Skinny Confidential collab at https://boutique.oetkerhotels.com and at http://shopskinnyconfidential.com. While supplies last.    This episode is sponsored by FRE Try FRE Nicotine Pouches today at http://FREpouch.com and use code"SKINNY" for 25% off for NEW customers only. WARNING: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.   This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp Sign up and get 10% off at http://BetterHelp.com/skinny.   This episode is sponsored by Nutrafol Whether you're gifting to yourself or a loved one, take hair growth off of the to-do list. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering 25% off the Fullest Hair Kit — that's supplements plus their hair serum duo — and free self-care gifts when you visit http://Nutrafol.com.   This episode is sponsored by Xyzal Visit http://xyzal.com for more information.   This episode is sponsored by Running Point Watch Running Point S2, Now. Only on Netflix.   This episode is sponsored by Beekeeper's Naturals Go to http://beekeepersnaturals.com/SKINNY or enter code SKINNY to get 20% off your order.   This episode is sponsored by The RealReal Get $25 off your first purchase when you go to http://TheRealReal.com/skinny. Produced by Dear Media

Welcome to the Bostics, starring Lauren Bostic and Michael Bostic. Together, they are the Bostics. Amanda Coutts. So many of you know her. She's a health, fitness, and lifestyle authority who has really successfully evolved into a multi-platform host and actress. You also may remember her as a presence during COVID. The challenges that she experienced with her husband's COVID-19 illness and passing

was something that she opened up about. And in this episode, we talk about loss and she's open and she's raw with her grief. And we talk about dating after loss. And we discuss how she's mothered through it all. Amanda is warm, engaging and has a really unique way about opening up about grief. With that, Amanda, welcome to the Bostics. Well, you have built quite the community. Thank you. It's impressive how you've built. It seems to me that it was like seamless and natural and not like strategically built. Does that make sense? Yeah. And you're right. It wasn't. And that's I think like what continues to surprise me actually in a weird way. But it was very, very natural and felt just like even back like I consider building that community starting like with my fitness business. That was when like everything kind of just started like. My first understanding of what community is was back in those days. You started in fitness, right? I started in Broadway, like performing Broadway.

We knew that. We knew that. Yes. Tell me about starting in Broadway. Broadway seems very intense. I was 18 years old. I moved to New York City, and my mom and dad let me. I was going to a school, two-year conservatory with no college degree, and I just was like,

I'm going to do this. And two days before I graduated, I booked the national tour of 42nd Street, and I was on my way. Broadway is absolutely amazing. I did it for 16 years. It teaches you so much about yourself, going for your dreams, believing in yourself, who you are. It's like lessons upon lessons, resilience. It taught me resilience, dedication. you know, just saying yes instead of no, just constantly telling yourself,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, because everyone else is telling you no. It's a lot, you know, but it's wonderful. I'm grateful. When you show up on an audition and then you actually get it, because a lot of people don't even obviously make it to Broadway. Yeah. That's not even a hair of the work that goes into what you have to do to then perform, correct? Oh, yes, yeah, because, well, I mean, if you're doing a Broadway show, you, first of

the audition, it can be like a month long. It can be like six auditions before you actually hear anything, callbacks and callbacks and callbacks. And so by the time you get the audition or get the call that you got the job, you're literally like screaming. You know what I mean? That you have as an actor, as a performer in New York, you have stability, you have insurance, you have a nice paycheck. You feel like you can breathe again. And nowadays, it's very hard to even keep a Broadway show open, so you don't even know how long that's going to last, but you're so excited just to have that stability in your life again. But then, yes, yeah, you go into rehearsals, sometimes you go to workshops first, then rehearsals, then an out-of-town tryout, then coming back to

Broadway. I mean, it can be a year before you even make it to your Broadway opening night. So what were you doing to support yourself when you're dealing with all, when you're waiting that whole period? That's a long time to wait. Oh, I mean, you name it. I did it. I was a spray-tan artist. I danced at bar mitzvahs. I dressed up like princesses. I danced on boxes. You're a good princess. Thank you.

I just am very tall. I'm a very tall princess. I danced on boxes at corporate events in different kinds of costumes. I mean, you name it. I did it. I found fitness, though, was kind of like, once I started teaching fitness, I was like, okay, this is my through line

to keep myself alive in between and out of shows. what's so interesting to me is when we were researching for this show, your name comes up with someone who has a lot of grit and you're so inspirational to so many people. But it seems to me that a lot of that foundation comes from the Broadway experience. Feels like that taught you like a lot of different things. Yeah, for sure, work ethic, you guys. I mean, you know, when you're in such a competitive job, you are going to these auditions, everyone, looks like you. Everyone's talented. Everyone deserves the job. And you're up against sometimes, you know, with Rockets, I was up against a thousand girls for 12 spots on the line that year.

I mean, like it is, you just, yeah, it's dedication. Like I said, you have to believe in yourself. I got to a point where I learned, I had to walk into an audition with blinders on and realized I can only be me. I can go in. I can do the best things that I can do. Blinders on. Try not to look or focus on anybody else because that just takes away the attention I need to put in on myself. You kind of really have to be a little bit selfish. You know what I mean? You have to really like what matters. What do I, what do I need to focus? What do I need to learn? How can I improve? How can I improve? How can I do improve? How can I do better? All the time. It's constant. You also can't be late because the show. Oh, no. You can't be late. Maybe I should go back and take a Broadway class.

You know, it's so funny. My late husband, we did our last show together, Bullets Over Broadway. And that man was always late. And there were like a few times that he was just a little too late and he wasn't allowed to do the show. Because if you miss that half hour call, the understudy, it's all in fairness, right?

Like there's somebody that's waiting there being told you're on. And so, poor neck, he just, he was always just a little late. I think like, I don't, it's hard for me as somebody who's on time to understand the concept of being late.

Do not get on your high horse right now. You are not. the most on time person either. It's almost harder to be late than on time for me. Okay. It would stress me out too much. You were late to the gym the last three weeks every day. Who do I drive to the gym with? Me.

But you can't. You have to be able to blame yourself and take accountability. No, but it's, you know, I will watch her sometimes because we obviously do this together. Yes. We're learning to take separate vehicles now. I was here in my office waiting. To avoid divorce. But I will

watch her start to get get ready or and watch the time she thinks is appropriate to start getting ready. I'm like, this is never like there's no way there's enough time for this. I have ADHD, but I don't want it to become my full identity. So I won't go into it that much. But I do think I have ADHD. What are your signs? Aries Gemini.

Okay. What's your sign? I'm a Pisces, but my sister is an Aquarius and she is very much like you. ADHD. I'm sitting there being like, oh, but if I tell her, she's going to yell. at me and she's going to say she's going to be ready. And then she's always like a half hour to an hour late. Yeah, somehow it's like I like turn into the bad guy for just wanting to be on time for people. And I just, it's a real mind. It's like a mind. You should look at your own examine your own life because

you're attracted to it. Okay. At what point did you meet Nick on Broadway? We met doing the reading for bullets over Broadway. So talk about a journey to a Broadway show. A reading is a reading of the script with hired actors to see if the show was even going to work out. A lot of times they'll invite producers and people that will invest in the show. Luckily, this show was already getting a lot of attention and Woody Allen was involved, of course, and Susan Stroman was directing, and there was a big producer involved. So we met at that reading. So yeah. Love at first sight. No, no. I was married and he was dating somebody and I was happily married at the time. So no, we were just friends. Yeah. I mean, barely really even

talked that whole week that we did the reading because I was in the ensemble and he was a lead. And not that we don't intermix, but it was, there's not a lot of time to mingle. It's like, you're there to work and then you leave. You better watch out if I decide to go on Broadway. I do have quite the Broadway singing voice. So you better watch out. Well, she believes so. Oh, I think so. I'll show you off air. I love it. Okay, please. I wish I still had mine. You know, it's a muscle, the voice. It is a muscle. You lose it over time. And I luckily just did a show this past January, you guys, after not performing for 12 years in like a theater space.

And I took voice lessons here to prepare myself because I was like, I just want to like make sure that this comes back. And it did. It's a muscle. It comes back. But. So at what point, how do you guys start dating? If you're married and he's in a relationship, what does that look like? So I unfortunately started to go through a separation with my ex-husband and then, turned that turned into a divorce and as that was falling apart nick and i just became like good friends like after the show we were always you know hanging out with the whole cast a lot of times after a broadway show it's 1045 and a lot of people especially if the cast is young they're like where are we going you know you go to a bar and so i think nick kind of saw that i was down and we just started

chatting one night and became like really good friends and he could relate to my experience and so I kind of just blurted everything out and we just, you know, got close from that. And then I, I remember being like, oh, no, like, I think I'm starting to like this guy and like in the midst of my divorce. So it was a little sticky, but it ended up working out and being great. So that was good. It seems like if you're on set with people like that and you are single or you want to date, like it seems like you get close really fast. That's why we do the show together. I'm like, I'm here. I'm right here. I know you're there. Yeah, don't do separate shows, guys, with other people. No, it is very hard, you guys. I will say, like, Broadway, performing, I think, you know, even Hollywood film and TV, it's tough. You're around really talented, attractive people.

On Broadway, you know, I'm in the ensemble. You're wearing less than nothing. You're in these cute little flirty outfits. And, you know, you're spending a way too much. much time together. And because you're in this environment, like day one, you're like, oh, hello, day two, I'm sitting on your lap in a scene and, you know, we're just like hanging out and I'm like combing your hair. Like it's, and it's normal. It's intimate. And the thing is, is it's normal. And every, you could be happily married and a cast member sees me on your lap and

nobody thinks anything of it because it's whatever is everybody's doing. So it's, it can be, it can be very incestuous. Well, I imagine if you're the partner that's not involved, even if you say you're comfortable and you try to be comfortable, like that, it takes a toll. It's hard. It's really hard. What would you do if you saw me in my Broadway debut singing on someone's lap?

Would you be okay with that? I don't think so. Really? I think we'll just fast track it to like, let's just, we know where this is going to go. Really? You wouldn't like that. Some good looking dude out there, better voice than me. Yeah.

And you're just singing into each other's eyes every night. be like, hey, let's just fast track this to the end and call it a day. Wow, I learned something new about you. It's tough. It's tough. What I don't understand is sometimes, like, you get these couples and they're like, they're in porn, one of them. And the guys like, or the girls like, yeah, I'm good with that. I'm like, that's.

Lauren's a little different than Broadway. Well, actually, I don't know. I would hope so. I mean, I think. No, but they're like, yeah, this is going to work out. I'm like, this ain't going to work out in the long run. This is not possible. I don't know how comfortable you are.

It's, listen, I, it's worse, I think, on tour. I did three national tours and tour is very hard because you're away from your home. You're away from your family. You're not in real life. And when I was going through my divorce, my ex-husband was on a tour. I was on Broadway. We were not seeing each other. He's with his cast.

I'm with my cast. It's tough. It's really like you have to be strong and really trust your person. Yeah. And if a relationship is already struggling and you put distance. Like I was saying like in the future if my daughter's ever dated, someone. Yeah. And he's being a shithead. I'm gonna be like, we're gonna take a long trip away. He plans us out. He already has this plan out. No, because you, because there's something about

traveling a far distance that makes the person, you like, it kind of diminishes your care for, I don't know, it's made that something the right way. But you know what I mean? Like, you get over a breakup faster when you travel when if you're lingering in the same city. Your dad took you away from me and you still came back. So what happened is there? But you didn't know what I was doing when I was away. I was feeling all right. I was feeling all right too. I had my own stuff going on. But but the point, actually, that's a true story. When he did that, like, you you just get over things way faster. Where if you're like wallowing in the same city and you're around.

Yeah. Take yourself out of your environment. Yeah. So how did your love story with Nick evolve? Slowly over these conversations. We just kind of became really close with these intimate conversations about where my life was going. And he became, you know, it's funny, you guys. I've noticed this in both of the big traumatic things in my life.

Like when you're going through something really hard, you, And I've heard a lot of people say this actually, but I'm going to make a general statement, but, you know, keep in mind. You end up trusting or depending on people that you barely know. Yeah. And for some reason, you don't want to talk to your best friend. You talk to the new neighbor that you just met down the street who all of a sudden is becoming your new best friend because she wants to hear your traumas. And that was Nick. He was there for me. And he just wanted to talk and he let me cry on his shoulder. And he, was just a really great supportive friend. And I just started trusting him. And then we just really kind of started falling in love with each other. And when did you guys end up getting married? We got married in September of 2017. So three years after Bullets Over Broadway ended.

And you said Elvis came in June 2019. Yes. So he came about two years later. Yes. Okay. And so when you guys have a baby, he obviously was, it seems from your book was ecstatic. What was that like? Yeah. Nick always wanted to be a father since he was 10. He really was hoping for a little girl. So it was a very funny gender reveal that we had

when it was a little boy. Did he not know? He didn't know. And he was in shock. He just like, his face dropped. He just really thought he was having a girl. But then, of course, he got on board. And it was wonderful. I mean, I mean, it was like, you know, we, it's that new. parent trauma for sure. We didn't know what to do. Elvis is crying and we're fighting and, you know, we're trying to just survive. But it still was, you know, those early parent days of just trying to figure it out. And then I had a baby in January 2020 and literally the month after COVID happened. March. March, COVID happened. Yeah. Well, it was announced, right? It was going on probably in January, February. So when that gets announced, what were you guys just doing what everyone else was doing? What was your

pandemic life. Yeah, we were. We were already living here. We had moved here the September, September of 2019. So Elvis was only three months old. And we were living at my friend's guest house. And we just started hearing about like COVID. But we had to fly back to New York City to pack up our apartment officially in New York. So March, the first week of March, we flew back with Elvis. And then that's when, if you guys remember, that like second week of March, New York City started shutting down, like day by day by day. The world started like getting very scary. You were glued to the news.

We flew back on St. Patrick's Day of 2020. And JFK was empty. Empty. Yeah, March, the reason I remembered is I was doing a deal and it closed literally the day before the pandemic was announced. And right after that shit. the fan. Yeah. We're here in LA. And everything, I mean, I think people that were in L.A. or San Francisco or New York, the big cities, because now we're in office. Like, yeah. That was a totally

different experience than a lot of other places, at least in the U.S., because the big cities just fully, like, became ghost towns. Yeah. When I, I was in New York for 9-11 and then for COVID. And when you see New York City shut down, you know something's up, you know what I mean? because like New Yorkers don't care. And those two times, like when New York is a ghost town, it's scary. It really, and I remember leaving L.A. that day, driving to JFK with Elvis in the car and Nick beside me and just seeing like the empty streets. And it was like, this is really scary.

What's so crazy to me about your story with your book and your story in general is that you look at you and Nick and you guys look so young and it's you almost think like when when the pandemic was happening it's almost like that's you're not who I would pick to end up in the hospital it's like it's you guys look so young and like it's it's confusing yeah I agree with you I still think it's confusing I look so healthy I know he was he was completely healthy I know it's so weird that sometimes I have to like remind myself that that that has to like That's how weird it is that that whole thing. I mean, like, it is like when I go back into my phone and look at photos or if, you know, photos come up on your phone, it takes my breath away sometimes. I'm like, how, like, it just doesn't feel real. You know what I mean? So for the audience, it's unfamiliar with your story. Nick ended up passing away. Yeah. Terrible. What was that like when you were going through the process? Because if people remember, they also, when people are getting medical care, they would isolate the families. Yeah. From. the person. Were you guys able to be with each other? Yes. Yes, you were. Yeah. Well, thank God. So Nick

was COVID positive, but then he got over COVID and he was COVID negative. But what COVID did to his lungs and the pneumonia that was in his body was so bad that that's what kind of started everything. It was actually April 10th that I got the phone call that he spiked a fever and he had to, he was dead on the table. They had to resuscitate him and his life is minute to minute. At the that point in time, though, he was already COVID-negative. He was supposed to be taken off the ventilator and sent to rehab and come home in like six days. And then said, I got a phone call that he died. So it was, it was a complete and utter shock, obviously. And it just spiraled. It just spiraled from there. And he never could, you know, days in the ICU, I had to fight to get into the hospital every day.

I mean, they didn't let me in for a very long time. But because he wasn't on a COVID floor and because I was being tested and because he was still COVID negative, that's where I was let in once in a blue moon for, you know, every day was different. Some days I was let in for an hour. Some days I was let in for 45 minutes. The first time I was ever let in was to sign papers that he could die because his leg was being amputated. So that's the only reason why I was led into the hospital that day. Why did they need to amputate his leg? When they put him on the machine to save his life after April 10th when he died on the table, it's a machine called ECMO, and it runs your heart and lungs.

And it's put into your body by four large canyels, which are huge tubes that, you know, connect the device to your arteries. It was unfortunately put in the wrong way, and it caused a blood clot. And the blood clot caused him to lose his right leg. Let's take a quick break to talk about beekeepers naturals. One of our favorite companies, we've had Carly, the founder of Beekeepers Naturals, on this. this show multiple times, and that is because we love the products that they are creating over at Beekeepers Natural, specifically the propolis ingredients they're using. And here's why, if you're a parent or you're working a large organization or you're around people all the time, especially these days,

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You can't call like your best friend and say, what's your tip on this? There's no manual for this. And then you have your husband in ICU and you can barely even go in and see. him. Yes. And you have this newborn at home. This is like, it's, it's such unique circumstances. How were you able to even compartmentalize when you were back home? It was, it was really a weird, first of all, I think I'm lucky I have a weird compartmentalized brain. I can do that very easily. Sometimes it scares me how much I can do it. I will just say that I, when I would leave the hospital, it was the hardest thing in the entire world because I would look at my husband. He was in a coma and I knew

the second I left his side, no one would be there by him, you know what I mean? No one, except a nurse coming in a check or whatever, but he was laying in a room completely silent. I requested music to be played at 24-7, but like he was alone. But I was still breastfeeding at the time. So I was under, you know, those limitations. And I had to get back to my son. And I would literally look at my husband and have to like just turn around, get in my car and just be like flip a switch and I walk into the house and go, hi Elvis, how are, and like completely switch into mom mode and be smiling and happy. And I felt bipolar. I really did. I remember literally driving up Laurel Canyon Boulevard being like, okay, here we go, flip the switch. Like bipolarness comes now. Let's go. It was, I don't. I don't. I don't.

I don't know. I think when you're under that much, like, trauma, you just do things that are superhuman. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Had you ever experienced any significant trauma before that? No. No. I mean, this is, this is, it's so many different layers. It's not like one thing. There's so much, there's so much going on. Yeah. At what point did you decide to turn to social media for like some kind of outlet? that was pretty early on because Nick was in the ICU on a ventilator and in a medically induced coma. And I had, I had a small little Instagram following from my fitness business. And so I felt like, and I was going live every day teaching fitness, like 20 minute fitness classes for everybody just to like, yeah. Yeah. Well, it was just, it was helping me too. You know what I mean?

So many people were doing that. Like live painting class, like anything. And so I, I was going live every day and I wasn't, like, I felt like I wasn't being honest. Like I was teaching this 20 minute fitness class and my husband was laying in an ICU bed. So I finally just decided like, I think it's important to talk about that my husband who had no symptoms is in the ICU and just tested positive for COVID and he's 41 and he's a perfectly healthy man. And so everybody just needs to kind of check in and be safe because like we were doing everything we were supposed to be doing, isolating. not going anywhere and this still happened. It was weird. It almost sounds like there was like a little bit of like guilt associated with it.

Yeah, because. Like doing the class, like doing the classes. Like you weren't supposed to be doing that because he was there, but he were doing it also to stay sane in a way. Yes. I have a hard time. I'm a very transparent person. I'll tell you anything you want to know maybe to a full,

you know what I mean? To not the best ability. Like I just, I'm an open book. And so I did feel like I kind of, A, I had a responsibility, but also like I didn't want to be two-faced, you know what I mean? Like if something's going on in my life, I can't also just like, hi everybody, let's go, 20-minute fitness class. And then, you know what I mean?

This huge thing was happening on the other side. I don't know. I just, I felt like I had a responsibility to say what was going on. What shocked you about sharing? I think the community. This is where I, guys, it was like the most beautiful, prize in the entire world. Every single day, there would be more people, more people and more people that were supporting me and my husband, his family, my family. It became like what I called an army. And to this day, they're still behind me. And I mean, support me, pray for Elvis and I, like, it's so beautiful. But they were a lifeline, you know? It's like, who wants to be a millionaire? We were stuck in a little cabin by ourselves.

Nobody could visit us. I mean, you all remember how you couldn't see anybody. It was like insanely, you were just alone. And then I had this huge online community that as soon as I would press live, it was like a flood of support. And it wasn't until after Nick passed away and I was doing a therapy. session and I was like, I felt really weird about even confessing this, but I was like, you know, there were days that I did not want to go live at 3 p.m. and sing, but I forced myself to because I would feel better after like singing his song and like going live. And I don't know why.

And he's like, you don't know why. It's like, it's community, Amanda. He was like, everybody goes through things better in a community instead of alone. This is also really weird, but, and I'm sure you already know this, but singing the vibration and your throat is really good for your like chakra. Yes. Charveen came on our podcast and said humming is one of the most therapeutic things you can do. So you mix that with the community. That must have been really cathartic for you. Yes.

And there is also another thing where if you are really anxious, if you hum, it's impossible to hum a song and think at the same time of your anxious thought or something like that. So it's, it is like, first of all, music is so healing. I'm such a believer in music and sound and instruments and voice. So, so grateful to that. But then, yes, like having an army from around the world, like I would wake up to people, you know, all over the world saying that they're singing with me, praying for me. I mean, helping me with medical advice, you know, telling me to call this doctor, that doctor, this, you know, it was insane. It was so. amazing, forever grateful. I think even people who didn't know you personally, like even, you know, I saw from afar what's going on. You want to like support you even though you don't know you. Does that make sense? There was something about you that was like everyone wanted to support you. Tell us about the singing. You mentioned it a little bit, but what actually happened with that? If someone doesn't know. Yes. Okay. So this is a good, it was a good story. So we were

FaceTiming Nick. My best friend was over. We were FaceTiming Nick because at that point they weren't allowing me into the hospital. And but they would allow, you know, the nurses were being so sweet face timing. A lot of people were doing this with their person. I said to Nick over the face time. I was like, we got to play a song. Like what song would be a good idea to sing? And we've picked an Elvis Presley song. And the nurse was like, oh my gosh, his numbers are getting better. So like when you're in the ICU especially, if you're in the hospital too, but the ICU, like it is a numbers game and you start to learn these numbers like they are your best friend's telephone number when you were five years old you know what I mean like you just know like if it's this it means good if it's this it means bad if it's this he needs more medicine if it's that you know it's terrible so she's like his numbers are getting better keep singing and we are singing at the top of our lungs over this face time and then I got on alive and I told this story and I said tomorrow can everybody get on this live at 3 p.m. and all sing this Elvis Presley song and maybe it'll help Nick from afar like the vibration, the singing, the energy. He's a singer. He loves music.

Like, let's just send all that good energy to him. Priscilla, Presley DM'd me. She was on the live. I mean, I was freaking out. So the next day, I was like, we got to do this again. And I was like, But Nick is a singer. He loves music. He writes his own music. And he just released this song called Live Your Life. And I was like, instead of singing Elvis Presley's song, let's sing this song that nobody knows. It's my husband's song called Live Your Life. Please join me. And they did. And then everyone sang that song for 95 days straight. It was playing on the radio when he died. People were singing it all over the world. Nick's dream was to be. be a rock star and you guys he died July 5th a rock star that's an amazing story so when he dies what I mean I mean imagine there's a million things going through your mind but where do you immediately go to you start to think about your son you sort of like how do you start to think about moving forward you know immediately I just felt like I failed I will say like it was such a battle I felt like Nick and his head doctor and I were in like a war together and

And when I finally conceded that his body was being completely run on machines and that his mother and I looked at each other and we were just like, it's not him anymore. It's a shell of a human being. And I think this is time. It just felt like failure. It was really, it was really hard. But, sorry, I make it emotional. I think back in those days, it's just day by day. I mean, it's still so fresh six years later.

And you're with his mother, too. I mean, that's even... Yeah, his mom was here still. My whole family was here. I remember just, like, taking a lot of walks, sleeping a lot. Thank God for Elvis, you know, you guys. He saved me on a daily basis. He still does.

But he's, it was so helpful to have, like, somebody I had to take care of because it took, I couldn't be selfish. I had to, you know, support him. I'd feed him. I had to like put him to bed. I had to, you know, I had to do all their thing for him. Did it also feel like maybe you also had a piece of your husband with him? Yes, not right away, but eventually yes, a thousand percent. And now even, like he's so much like Nick, it's so wonderful. I'm so, I feel all the time so lucky.

Terrible. What made you decide to write this book about your experience? I didn't. It was a happenstance. Lisa Sharky, who is at Harper Collins,

reached out to me, and she had met me before. It was like, you should write a book. And I was like, what? I don't, I didn't even write a diary, you guys. Like, I was not, I'm not a writer. I don't journal. And I said her, I don't know. And she was like, you should write this down. And she's like, this is a good story. You're going to want

this written down. And I said to her, let me think about it. I said, my sister is a writer. She's an amazing writer. And she has been with me. Maybe we could do it together. And Lisa really championed me and my sister to do it. And I'm very, very, very grateful for her. It was an incredibly hard thing to do, but I'm so grateful. I have this now for Elvis especially. There's just things and details on that book that I would never remember today. You know what I mean? But having to do it right away after losing Nick, everything was so fresh that it just like flooded out. And it ended up being, honestly, the first thing I did for myself therapy-wise, I didn't even realize I was doing it. You know what I mean? That I was helping myself cope.

but it was very, very helpful. And now it's like one of the something I tell any, any widow or widow or anyone I meet, I'm like, just start writing. Like, even if it means nothing, even if you don't even ever want to publish anything, just write. Like, write down what's in your head. It helps so much to like understand and process the information, you know? When you have gone through all of this grief and you write this book about it and then also

I know that you speak about it a lot, how do you kind of zes? zip up because I think people obviously want to come and share their story, which can be overwhelming because you're dealing with your own thing. Actually, it's the exact opposite. I love talking grief. And who would have ever thought? But I love connecting with people on their grief. It is so comforting. Have you ever talked to David Kessler? Yes, I've met him. I met him at a party, and we had a brief little chat. He's amazing. And we need to. chat more. He, he and I, yes, very much connected. And I, but I'll tell you what, guys, I instantly connect to any kind of widow or widower, obviously. It's like a pain that you never

want to have to know. But once you know it, it's, it's like an instant, like, it's like, I can't not talk to you. It's like I have to, like, you just understand. someone instantly. And I really love hearing people's stories. It helps me so much. A lot of people can't talk a grief because it brings up a lot of emotions and it does. But for me, it's just comforting. It's healing. I find it nice to know that somebody understands my pain and that we have a mutual understanding of life and the appreciation of life and death. What do you think the biggest thing you've learned from grief is that you were not aware of prior? Yeah, that grief, two things.

I think the first thing I probably thought right away is this is going to be hard, but I'll be better in a year. And I think grief taught me that I'll never be better. I'm just going to live with it. Maybe you intuitively knew, though, that to get through it, you had to tell yourself that. Maybe, or maybe it's something we're told. Right. and you think that you're just believing it because it's what you're told.

And I don't even know when you're told that. But I think there's like a weird timeline that people put on you with grief that like, well, it's been a year. It's almost like it's framed as like it's something you heal from like a wound. Like it closes up and goes away, but it doesn't. Yeah. I think that's a really good way to put it. And I think I even thought that. So I think that's the first thing that grief taught.

me that it's it's it's it's something I live with and then I think the other thing is how much it changes every single part of you and it's okay because it's made me a better person it's made me love differently and live differently and cherish things differently but I would have never expected that either. You know, I just, I, it, it changes you big time. I think something that's so inspiring about you is you could have just kind of retreated and, and laid around and, you know, really, you were a victim. Like, you could have really, you know, just stopped everything you were doing. And you did it. You really pushed forward. I mean, to me, like I, you seem like you went and you just made this gorgeous career after that he would probably be so proud of. Was that something that you

were sort of thrown into? Is it something that you wanted to do? Did it help you get over the grief? Yes, to all of those things. It's funny. I will say there's, there's days where I'm like, gosh, why did I just lay there? You could have. I could have. It's so justifiable. And sometimes I even wonder, like, why? Why do you hustle so hard? Like, what? take a second. It's never been me. If I look back at Amanda at 18 years old or even 16 years old, I'm just, I've never been that person. You keep moving. It's just, I keep moving. And I think it's a defense mechanism. I think it's a coping mechanism for sure. I also think that I, I am just, I've learned to be resilient and I, I appreciate and like being resilient. I love being creative. I also

love putting pain into purpose. And so I think that that's the other big thing that I've learned is like, okay, I have this pain. I'm living with it. Now I have to make something of it. Like I have to do something to be better is, I think, my just in who I am. It's really very inspiring. When you started doing the talk after and putting yourself out there like that, what was that like? You know, you guys, I watched a clip on Instagram today of Savannah Gunthery coming back on the Today Show. It's hard. And I was like, wow, no one understands how hard what that woman just did is. Like the pep talk, she probably had to give herself in the mirror before she walked out on national television.

I understood it instantly. And that I think the talk was a natural progression for me. I really think. And it gave me such a family when I had none. And again, it was still the height of COVID. We were kind of all just at our homes. And it gave me such a wonderful, fun place to go to every day. I got to get into a costume.

I got to get my hair done, like my wig. And I got to go to my live Broadway show. It was like I was back on Broadway. And I was talking to five gorgeous women who made me laugh. And we didn't have an audience yet because everything was still, you know, zoomed and all the things. But it gave me a home. However, I was in the height of my grief. I was like three months out.

I don't know how I did that, to be honest. I really, I don't know. That's that carpentatementalizing, I guess, in me. But it did save me. And it was really hard. I mean, there were days when I was sobbing up until I would walk out on stage. But, or sobbing. I mean, early talk episodes, I cry a lot in almost every episode.

I was raw. It was very, very raw. Where are you at today? What does your life look like today? Okay. So life today is pretty good, I will say. It's six years. And I've done so much work.

I saw a few guys, that I finally feel like I have a grip on grief, on what it's taught me, how I know that it will forever keep teaching me things and how I have to keep moving forward. I have to keep healing and I have to keep striving for that. Very grateful for Elvis and our relationship. We have such a strong bond. I have a great group of friends and a huge, a huge support system here in Los Angeles, thank God. And a community of people that still support and love us. So it's been a journey, but it's good. This episode is brought to you by Zizal. I am so allergic to cats. The worst. And I use Zizal

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Eden Rock St. Bart's times the Skinny Confidential. This collaboration has been years in the making. I have been going to Eden Rock Properties for a very long time, and I fell in love with the way that they thought about branding. Every single detail, they don't miss anything. It's such an experience. and when I thought about what brand I wanted to collaborate with, Eden Rock immediately came to mind. So we went down to St. Barts and we sat with their team and we conceptualized what this collaboration would look like.

And so it's here. After a year and a half, it is live. The Eden Rock St. Bart's Times Skinny Confidential Red Ice Roller. It's in their signature red. It has a gorgeous, like, look at this. Ah, silver roller. It's so beautiful. it's very summer, you know. I could see this in an ice bucket while you're on the beach, enjoying some rosé or a margarita, goes right in the ice. And then we also launched mouth tape. So it's red too. So you're going to get those red lips, very summer-esque. And again, it's in the Eden Rock St. Barts branding. And then we launched facial towels. Everything is limited addition. It's very exclusive. Once it's gone, it's gone. And these facial towels are plastic

free. They don't have any formaldehyde in them. And they're so adorable to throw in your beach bag. I use them to wipe my kids' hands. I use them after an oil cleanse. This collection is so major. I'm so excited about it. And it's so fun to see the Skinny Confidential come to life in red. You can shop our collaboration at the link in the show notes or on shopskinnyconfidential.com. And if you're at the Eden Rock St. Bart's property, you can also shop at the Eden Rock St. Bart's Boutique and the spa. Eden Rock, St. Bartz, wherever you are. Not to get into the specifics of your dating life, but we had a woman come on who's also a widow. Yeah.

And she said that she started dating. You have to give her credit for who this is. It was boss. Yeah. And she was just on. She was saying that there was like this weird kind of like shame or guilt that was put on her, especially from other people. On women, specifically, on widows. Yeah.

And, you know, she's young still. You're young still. And she's like, well, you know, what am I supposed to do? you just sit there and be alone forever? So how do you think about it? It is absolutely true. I did get a lot of hate and a lot of shame for when I started dating again. A lot of support too, but it's there.

And you know, you guys understand this. Like when you're in the public eye and there's like one out of 100 comments that it's negative, like that's the one you really. Our ratio might be a little different than one out of a hundred, if we're being honest. You know what I mean. And I'll tell you what changed. it though. I was so frustrated that I ended up getting on an Instagram live with a fellow

widower who I met through the community of being a widow and widower. And I got on live right away and I just faced it. And I was like, you want to know what the face of dating again after being a widow or widower looks like. You want to judge us. Let's have a real conversation. And let's talk about this. And let's put it out. there so that everyone that's shaming us and sitting on their couch and judging us from moving on or moving forward or loving again or trying again can see how hard and what it actually really looks like because it's not putting on your cute little dress and being excited about your date. Ooh, yay.

It's the exact opposite. You're sobbing to and from the date. You can't decide if you should wear your wedding ring or not. You feel guilty. You feel judged. You feel horrible. I had a panic attack after my first first. I couldn't even drive home.

my girlfriend had to calm me down in the car and come get me. I couldn't drive home. And yet people are going, oh, are you pregnant again or you're dating again? I'm like, what? You have no idea how hard this is. Where do you think the judgment comes from? Is it like their own insecurities? And what's the expectation of you?

I mean, because like for me, like I guess like I think more logically, it doesn't compute that you would just sit around and be alone forever. I mean, you have a ton of your life in front of you. Well, you know, to each his own, every, you know, some people can't or don't even want him try again or move forward, which is, which is their path and their story. I knew when, I knew when Nick passed away, I would want to try to love again. I knew he would want me to try to love again. I would want the same for him. So when I was ready, I didn't feel any of that guilt or shame, but I don't know. People are very judgey, as you know, as you guys know. And,

and I always, I kind of feel like I'm the person, like, if you don't, if you can't walk in shoes then you can't judge what I'm doing you know what I mean like you want to spend a day in my shoes please sure come come over put them on see what it's like no I mean like we joke with each other to say if something happened it's not a it's not a good joke but we were saying oh like you'd have to be alone but like if you're really if I'm being honest and you're and you care about the person something happened to me I wouldn't want Lauren especially with the kid to just be alone like I want I would personally want her to be able to continue to live a happy full life right yeah so it's To me, it makes a ton of sense.

And I imagine your late husband would want you to find happiness again. Oh, yeah, for sure. Nick was a lover. I mean, he loved me more than anything in the world and Elvis. But he would have, I mean, if he could have spoke when he died, he would have totally said, like, Amanda, you better. His mother did, which was the sweetest thing in the entire world. His mom, before he died, pulled me aside.

It was like, you need to find love again. Don't you ever think that we would not want you to be happy and marry somebody again. And I was just like, at the time, I was like, Leslie Don't it. She was like, no, you listen to me. And I was like, wow, you know, she was amazing. You're also working on this looks like a very cool brand called Proper. Tell us about that. This seems really amazing and positive.

It is. Thank you. You know, I obviously have been in fitness and wellness. for so long now. You know, you get to a point where you're influencing a bunch of other products and supplements all the time and I was and I'm a single mom and I'm running around and you're trying to be healthy. And I just wanted to create something that was easy and efficient and good for people that gave them some hope in their day that was affordable. And, made sense that was made from whole food derived, you know, ingredients that was good for you. And so

along came proper. And I started it with five different supplements that you can, it's one scoop in your water or smoothie a day. And it's just, it's for that person that just needs to do one thing to make them feel good about themselves that day. In my opinion, I think we're a little bit oversaturated with what we're being told to do. And, you know, you get on any kind of social media platform and everyone's like, you need this and you need this and you need this. And I think we've stopped listening to what we need. You know what I mean? Like if you really tune in and like, what does Amanda need? You know what I mean? Oh, I'm not, I'm not eating great right now because I'm traveling a lot. I need daily greens. You know what I mean? You might not need daily greens.

Maybe you're eating great right now. Do you know what I mean? Well, I've probably used a cup of greens. But you know what I mean? It's like instead of listening to what our body needs and really being in tune with what I need in that day, we're just being told you need greens. Maybe you do. It's a hard thing to, you know, some of the, you know, the ratio of one out of 100 critics of this show will say like there's so much. Because imagine, like you talk to a lot of different people and experts and they're coming on and they say, you need this supplement or that or I'm looking at fiber. I'm looking at protein. And they ask how we decipher.

and I think, one, you have the conversation. There's a lot of different perspectives. But then really, it's like listening to yourself and figuring out what works for you. What I was trying to tell people is like, if you listen to all a thousand of these episodes, which would be crazy, by the way. Like, you should not be doing every single thing that every single person recommends. You've got to step back and see what works for me, what makes me feel good. What do I need?

There's a lot of people that come on and it sounds great, but I'm like, I can't, I can only do so much. Yes. I created this, you guys. I'm going to use my sister as an example. My sister lives in Houston and she has three kids. She is an Uber driver to all of their activities and sports and everything. She lives out of her car. She's barely at home.

They eat a lot of fast food because she has kids and she's constantly driving from here to there and everywhere. She doesn't take care of herself. She doesn't eat properly. She doesn't have the time. And I created these supplements for that woman. That woman that just needs to go, I'm going to be in my car all day. I'm going to go a scoop of greens.

I'm going to put it in my water bottle, and at least I did that. Or I need extra energy today, and I don't want to drink another cup of coffee. I'm going to grab my energy boost, put it in my water, and it's going to make me feel better. And I'm making a better choice than what I could possibly do for myself that day. And it's not $150. It's $28. It's less than a dollar, a scoop. I think that's so nice not to be overwhelmed.

Yes. There's so many people, you're right. you go on Instagram and all those girls shaking on their vibrating plate. And wearing the mask. You're one of those. No, no. I have something to say. I have something to say about that.

Everyone's shaking on the vibrating plate. But then I talked to my girl who does my lymphatic drainage. Yes. And shout out to Irina in Austin. And she said, she goes, you have to open your lymphatic system before you shake on the plate because or else you're just shaking fluid around your body. Oh, interesting. So you go on.

My point is you go on, you see everyone doing something. You think you have to do it. And you buy the plate. No one's even telling you that it's not even doing anything if you don't open your lymphatic system. Yes. So it is important, I think, to really dive into what you're doing and make sure you take a look at it before just doing. But here's the thing. We all know what to do.

I look at all of these things as things to further enhance the things you should be. Like you're probably getting proper sleep. You should be doing something for your mind. You should be moving your body. You should be having good. Yeah. Right. Like we know.

The other stuff is like in addition to. But if you're not doing some of those things or all of those things, like, you know, shaking on a plate's not going to save you. You know what, though, I will say is that we are lucky to live in these big cities, right? Austin, L.A., New York City. We have a little bit more availability, obviously, and a little bit more awareness, right? You guys, so I'm from Ohio, and the man that helped me create proper Ben Bennett, he's also from Ohio and raised by a single mom. And we bonded over this, the fact that, like, my mom,

God love her, I love you mom, so much. But she wakes up. The first thing that she does is drink coffee. Doesn't drink an ounce of water. Doesn't eat breakfast. What's with that generation doing that? I don't know. They love to just put the coffee down the throat.

Could we have an electrolyte first? Yeah. By 3 p.m. She has a headache. She's tired. Her bones hurt. She doesn't know. And I go, Mom,

have you drank water today? Amanda, I had coffee. That's not water, mom. There's water in the coffee from her perspective, right? I'm saying this because you said, we know what to do. My mom, whose daughter is in fitness and wellness, still doesn't listen to me. She doesn't do what she's supposed to do. It's like why I created this, because it's like, just do that bed.

Just put the scoop in your water. if that's the best thing you can do for yourself. Is she doing it now? She's touch when I'm home. Our parents' generation, where I'm empathetic, because my parents, same way, I think my dad's, he's turning 82 and he finally

started drinking a glass of water. Like, finally after all this time. But, like, they were the most commercialized, mass marketed generation in the history of time, right? Like, they got very few channels, right? There was a few channels on television that pushed all the same.

It's why when you go and look at the 90s and 80s, It's so nostalgic. Everybody had the same thing and ate the same food because you went to the same stores. Now we have so much information and so much abundance of choice. But that generation was taught, this is how you practice medicine. This are the cleaning products you use. This is the food you eat. And there was just like pushed down their throats from basically the late 60s to the early 2000s.

And so, you know, a lot of them were sold like for the longest time I had to argue with my dad. He was like, diet Coke is good for you. It's like, you know, he would literally tell me it's better for you. And I look back at it now. I'm like, that's insane. But if you look at the information they were being fed. Yeah. Also the medicine, they were prescribed, the practice of it.

And so I'm empathetic to them now because that's just what they had. Same. I agree with you. My dad eats Oreos for breakfast. And, you know, we do our best. I try to help. But, like, I understand. My grandpa lived till 97 years old and he ate a bowl of ice cream every single night.

And no one was going to tell him not to. I heard that's actually good for you. I did too recently, and I'm very happy about that. You know, like, we recently had RFK Jr. on the show and that was received all sorts of different feedback, right? I can imagine. But one of the things that I think is very interesting is that the tobacco companies took over big food in the 60s.

Like, basically, when we started pushing cigarettes out, those companies said, what are we going to do to keep people? And they bought into that process. So it was processed food, addictive food, and all that. And that's, like, what our parents had to. come up with. And so there was a lot of forces, I think, working against them to provide unhealthy habits that I think now this generation is starting to recognize and hopefully turn around. But, you know, they were at the mercy of a lot of that. Agreed. And I think that that is a really

good point. And I always tell people like if they say like, what can I do? Like, you know, what's an easy thing I can do? I'm always like, hydrate. Drink more water. Move your body. Sleep and stay away from processed foods. I'm drinking proper's watermelon berry and it's delicious. It's daily electrolytes and trace minerals. Definitely try that one. Congratulations on everything you have going on.

You also have a children's book that I'm so excited to read. Tell me your dreams. Tell me your dreams. I like that title. Thank you. My kids. You brought me that. And if you have not read Amanda's book, Live Your Life, it's a really good book. And where can we find you? Where can we say hi?

Only on Instagram pretty much, guys. I'm technically challenged and that's where I put everything at Amanda Kludes. Thank you so much for coming on the show.